The Barn

by GaryOak

Rating: teen
Tags: Granny Smith, Romance, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Shining Armor, Crossover, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Big Macintosh, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 7200

Can you really trust anypony? Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" meets My Little Pony.

Tommy Wiseau's The Room, with ponies!

Nopony has been acting quite right since King Sombra retook the Crystal Empire. Homeless and disgraced, Shining Armour has taken up residence with Cadance in Applejack's barn, where he makes ends meet by working at the Ponyville bank.

In a world so topsy-turvy, can you really trust anypony?

Edited by Horse Voice.

Special thanks to TheSexyMenhir for the title image.

Published 2013-08-23 17:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-23 17:30:01 UTC

Oh, Hai, Story

Shining Armour gave the collar of his black suit a disgruntled tug. He still had not grown accustomed to it. With a sigh, he plodded along the dusty path that connected Ponyville to Sweet Apple Acres. Working at the Bank of Ponyville was even more boring than it sounded. He never thought he would be reduced to a simple teller, but here he was, working for “The Stallion”.

Everypony had been acting strangely with the fall of the Crystal Empire and King Sombra's shadow looming ominously over Equestria to the south. Not that he could blame them. While Twilight Sparkle and her friends shouldered most of the blame, he and Cadance had taken their share.

Ah, Cadance. She was the sole light in his new life. It was true that Sombra's victory ultimately brought Shining Armour closer to his sister, but Twilight had not been the same since. Nopony had. Even the sweet smell of apple trees bearing their delicious fruit did little to comfort him. He tugged at his collar again, undoing the topmost button. Much better. He could breathe again.

Shining Armour patted the box clutched in his foreleg. Perhaps his luck would change, at least for tonight. As he neared the barn that he and Cadance now called home, a chorus of yapping greeted him. At least Winona enjoyed the company of the Apple family's newest guests.

Shining Armour transferred the package to his back, freeing his forehoof just in time to greet Winona. “Hai, doggie.” He gave her head a pat. “Looks like someone's had fun today.” Memories of today's monotony made his smile fade as quickly as it had come. “You'd think managing everypony's bits would be cooler than standing in one spot all day, trying not to blink.” Winona yipped and wagged her tail vigorously. “But you'd be wrong.”

She ran circles around him as he neared the barn's door. He made sure the package was concealed behind him, then entered. Cadance rose from her favourite spot on the sofa Applejack had lent them. She had assured Shining Armour that it was a family heirloom, belonging to her great-grandmother, but all he knew was it smelled of nag.

Shining Armour waved. “Hai, babe!” He grinned as Cadance approached. “I have something for you!”

“Ooh, what is it?” Cadance, spotting the corner of the package, tried to reach for it, but her husband shifted his body to block her attempts.

“Just a little something.”

They giggled, and Cadance brushed Shining Armour's snout. With a flick of magic, he brought the unwrapped parcel between them. Cadance's eyes widened as she removed the top, revealing a red silk dress. She brought a forehoof to her muzzle. “Oh, Shiny, it's perfect.” She kissed his snout. “Thank you.”

“Anything for my Princess! Ha ha.”

Cadance stood on her hind legs and held up the dress to her body. She liked what she saw. “You know I'm not a Princess anymore... but this dress sure makes me look like one.”

A tinge of pink appeared on Shining Armour's cheeks. “Hey, you'll always be a Princess to me.” He surveyed their home. There were only a couple tables, a sofa, and three chairs to speak of, plus their second-floor bedroom and small kitchen, but standing here with her, it was all he needed. He wrapped his forehooves around hers and stared into her glistening eyes. “And that's all that matters. Who needs a castle when I've got the most rockin' wife in Equestria?”

Cadance bit her lip and leaned closer. As she puckered her lips, a rap came at the door. Before either pony could respond, Twilight Sparkle entered.

Shining Armour winced before turning to face her. “Oh, hai, Twily.”

Twilight waved, then sat in a nearby chair. “Hey, Shiny. Hey, Cadance.”

Cadance held her forelegs high. “Hey, Twily.” She slipped the dress on. It fit her slender form perfectly. “Do you like it? Shiny got it for me.”

“Pretty!” Twilight clapped her forehooves together. “How much did it cost?”

“Twily, don't ask that question.” Cadance shook her head.

Something happened to Twilight in the Crystal Empire on that fateful day. That, or perhaps she acted this way in order to keep herself in her happy place. Shining Armour snorted and wrapped a foreleg around Cadance's shoulder. “When we're talking about Cadance, it doesn't matter.” Noticing Cadance nuzzle against him and waggle her eyebrows, he cleared his throat. “I'm gonna take a nap.” He gave Cadance a squeeze and sauntered off toward the stairs.

Cadance smiled at Twilight, then at Shining Armour. “I think I'm gonna join him.” She flared her wings and took flight, following close behind.

Twilight stared after them. When they disappeared from view, she levitated an apple from the bucket beside the coffee table and took a bite.

Shining Armour and Cadance toppled onto their bed. They closed their eyes, pressed their muzzles together, and kissed softly. Jackpot! Shining Armour thought as he felt his lover's tongue greet his like a long-lost friend. He giggled and brandished a pillow. It smacked into Cadance, sending her sprawling. She gave him a mischievous grin, before grabbing one of her own and retaliating. The blow did not hurt; when you live on a farm, soft wool is plentiful, so even the guest pillows were exceptionally soft. It was no Pegasus feather down pillow, but it sure beat the typical rock-hard hotel offerings.

Their horseplay intensified, with the cushioned blows coming hard and fast, punctuated by light, playful kisses and muzzle rubbing. They stared into each others' eyes. Shining Armour could feel sparks flying between them. He raised a hoof to Cadance's chest, and hers came to meet it.

And then a pillow smacked him in the face.

Shining Armour looked up to see a beaming Twilight lunging forward, brandishing the offending pillow. Before she could strike again, Cadance brought her pillow around, scoring a direct hit. The bed rocked as the three ponies conducted their pillow melee, until Shining Armour stopped and looked at his sister.

“Um... Twily?” said Shining Armour, unable to fully conceal his bemusement. “Don't you have something else to do?”

Twilight's smile broadened. “I just like to watch you guys.”

“Twily, two's great, but three's a crowd. Ha ha.” Shining Armour ruffled Twilight's mane.

“Aww, but...” Twilight pouted, giving her brother her best puppy dog eyes. “I wanted to join you, just once...”

Cadance sighed. “Twily, we've been over this. Maybe you could go somewhere and find a nice stallion, hmm?”

“But I like Shiny!”

Shining Armour clapped a hoof into his forehead. “Twily...”

“Hey, I didn't have many friends before Ponyville, and you're pretty handsome... You can't blame what happens.”

“Twily,” barked Shining Armour, “we're the Sparkles, not the Lannisters!”

Fits of uncontrollable giggling overtook Twilight. “Hey, hey, relax! I'm only kidding.”

Cadance traced a forehoof on Shining Armour's chest, enjoying the feel of the soft fur. “Look, Twily, Shiny and I...”

“Ooh. I get it.” Twilight looked first at Cadance, then at her brother. “You two want to be alone.”

Shining Armour brought a forehoof around and stroked Cadance's belly in the way that she liked, and was pleased to see her wings slowly stand at attention. “That's the idea.”

Twilight giggled, staring at Cadance's wings. “Ooh, okay. Later, lovebirds.” She clambered off the bed and headed for the stairs.

Her brother smiled after her. “Bai, Twily.”

Cadance kissed him on the snout. “Now, let's see if the Princess of Love's still got it. What do you say?”

He pumped a forehoof in a silent whoop. “I'm all over it like mustard on a corn dog!”

“That can be arranged.” Cadance glanced down and licked her lips.

* * *

Shining Armour found himself staring at the ceiling while laying flat on his back when he awoke to the rooster's crow the next morning. He breathed a sigh of contentment. Cadance slumbered beside him, undisturbed by the farm's avian alarm clock. “After what we did, I can't blame you. Ha ha.” He planted a soft kiss on her neck.

He stood up and stretched. The sun began to peek through the windows. After taking a quick shower and whipping up breakfast for two, he returned to the bed. He plucked a red rose from the vase on the bedside table, gave it a sniff, and placed it beside Cadance. She stirred and looked up at him.

“Hey, babe, how was last night?” Shining Armour bent down and kissed her.

“Wonderful,” she purred.

Cadance tried to wrap her forehooves around him, but he backed away. “I have to go. The bank's not gonna run itself. Breakfast's on the table, dear.”

Cadance nodded as Shining Armour ambled off down the stairs. She lay in bed until the sun had risen properly. Upon taking a shower of her own and putting on her new dress, she glided downstairs. True to his word, Shining Armour had indeed left breakfast on the coffee table. Apples and hay. Again. Cadance rubbed her temple as she choked it down. Peasant food.

A rap came at the door. Cadance looked up from her clean plate to see Granny Smith hobbling inside. “Hello, Granny Smith,” she said in a monotone. Ever since she and Shining Armour had moved in, the Apple matriarch had taken them in as two of her own. And that was exactly Cadance's problem.

Granny and Cadance exchanged formal kisses on the cheek, and Granny sat down opposite her. “Good morning, dearie.”

“You are well?”

“Right as a bushel of apples before harvest, same as always!” Granny looked at Cadance intently. “But I'm not here to talk about me.” She leaned forward and prodded Cadance with a forehoof. “I'm here to talk about you.”

Cadance rolled her eyes. “We've been over—”

“Oh, hayseeds!” Granny waved a foreleg. “I've lived long enough to know when something's the matter! Now spill the beans. Sittin' on it ain't gonna help.”

Cadance took a long breath. “I don't love him anymore.”

Granny plonked her forehooves on the table. “Why ever not?”

“He's... so... boring now.” Cadance sighed and rested her cheeks on her hooves. “Ever since we lost the Crystal Empire and Princess Celestia didn't let him back in the Royal Guard, he's just so dull. It's like the past month's sucked the life right out of him. I can only pretend to enjoy our 'husband-and-wife' moments for so long...” She gave an exasperated snort. “Last night, it took us forever to start doing anything, and when it did, he tried to mate with my navel. My navel. Seriously? Who does that?”

“That old coot Sombra's sucked the life outta everypony, dearie,” said Granny, leaning back in her chair. “Now you listen to me, young lady. You'd best stick with your husband. I'd reckon he's the finest bodyguard in Equestria, so there ain't no place safer than at his side. He's worked since he was a colt, and he still provides for you, even after a forced career change! What've you done since the Empire fell, other than...”

Cadance sighed. Granny Smith had fallen asleep mid-rant. Typical. Taking care not to wake the old relic, she flew over her, out into the orchard. This was it. Today was the day. She had been planning this for about two weeks, and now, with Shining Armour not due to return until sundown and Granny Smith snoozing the morning away, she knew she could finally make her move.

Letting the crisp breeze do most of the work, she drifted over the orchard, scanning beneath the trees until found what she sought. Big McIntosh stood by an apple cart, harvesting the fruits of his namesake. The vibrant, orange beard he had grown since the Empire's fall made him look downright sexy.

Cadance licked her lips. “Time to see if he really lives up to his name,” she muttered before gliding down to meet him. “Hey, Mac!”

Big Mac looked up. “Oh, hey, Cadance. Didn't see ya up there.” Cadance landed between Big Mac and his apple cart. “So... what's up?”

“I need to talk to you.”

Big Mac sat down and gestured to the orchard around him. “Ain't nothin' here 'sides us and apple trees. What's on yer mind?”

Cadance brushed the ground beside Big Mac and took a seat. “It's Granny Smith.”

“What 'bout her?” Big Mac tried to subtly sidle away from Cadance, who sat close enough that her pretty pink hide brushed against his, but she mimicked his every move. “I know she can come off as a bit strong at times, but she's just tryin' to help.”

Cadance's muzzle snapped up and down with a harsh snort. “She's an old nag trying to control my life! I... I don't know what to do.”

“I dunno what to tell ya.” He gave her shoulder a pat. “I know it feels like ya lost everything up there, but you're still very lucky to have Shiny. He'll treat you right. Just have fun and enjoy your life.”

Cadance rested against Big Mac, finding comfort in his hard, toned body. Sure, Shining Armour was in great shape, but years of manual labour gave Big Mac a figure she adored. “Mmm...” She nuzzled against him.

Big Mac would have blushed if his face was not naturally red. “What—what are ya doin'?”

“Following your advice...” A foreleg crept around his shoulders. “Stud...”

“What's all this for?” Big Mac feebly tried to lean away.

But Cadance clung to him, stroking his gorgeous beard. “Don't you like me?”

“Eeyup.”

“I can be your mare.” She swung around until she stood above him, wings at full mast. “I love you.”

“Eenope.”

“But I don't love him anymore. I want you.”

Big Mac shook his head. “Shiny's done so much for you and is your husband. Plus, he's even helped out 'round the farm on his days off. Shiny's a good guy. I couldn't do this to him.”

Cadance stood on her hind legs and ran her forehooves along her frame, demonstrating just how well her new dress showed off her curves. “Forget about Shiny. I want you. I need you.” She glanced down. “I know you like what you see. Nopony can resist the Princess of Love!”

“Eenope—”

Cadance sprung forward and kissed him, horn shimmering. It took a few seconds for him to recover, but when he did, she felt his forehooves groping her hips rather than pushing her off. “Much better.” She looked down again and only half-contained a delighted squeal. “Ooh! Now I see why they call you 'Big' Mac!”

“Um, actually, it's because I was a hundred and thirty pounds at birth, whereas the average colt is only—”

“Shhh...” Cadance kissed Big Mac again. She took her dress off and placed it a safe distance away with magic. Then she pinned him against a tree.

* * *

Shining Armour trudged across Ponyville's high street. He had unbuttoned the top two buttons of his suit this time. Rather than heading straight back to the barn, he instead made his way toward Roseluck's flower shop. He pushed the door open, and the tinkling bell heralded his arrival.

“Can I help you?” said Roseluck from behind the counter.

Shining Armour approached her. “Hai, can I have a dozen red roses, please?”

“Oh, hey, Shiny, I didn't know it was you.” Roseluck turned and gathered the flowers in her mouth. When she had finished, she bundled and wrapped them. “That'll be eighteen bits.”

“That's me!” Shining Armour fished out the money with his magic and deposited it on the counter. “Here you go. Keep the change.”

Roseluck accepted the money. “You're my favourite customer.”

Winona darted in through the open door, barking happily.

“Thanks a lot.” Shining Armour bent down and patted Winona. “Hai, doggie.”

“Wait a second,” said Roseluck as Shining Armour turned to leave, “it's eighteen bits even. There is no change.”

“What?”

“You gave me exactly eighteen bits.”

“Oh, right, ha ha.” Shining Armour grinned sheepishly and placed the flowers on his back. “Speaking of which, how come you didn't recognize me at first if I'm your favourite customer?”

“I...” Roseluck raised a hoof. “I don't know...”

Both ponies shrugged, and Shining Armour began his journey back to the farm, Winona in tow.

* * *

Cadance sat on the barn's sofa, still basking in the afterglow. She wore a black dress now; she had misjudged what a safe distance would be, so her new dress was hanging out to dry. Hopefully Shining Armour would not notice. A knock came at the door.

“Who is it?”

“It's Twily.”

The ice blue of Cadance's magic manipulated the handle, granting her sister-in-law entry. “Hello, Twily.”

“Hey, Cadance!” Twilight only took a couple of steps inside (her frame still blocked the doorway). “Is Shiny around? I was hoping to talk to him.”

Cadance stood up and approached Twilight. “He's running a little late.”

“Oh, okay.” Twilight looked Cadance up and down. “I... I was hoping to kiss him.”

Cadance gasped. “You are such a little brat!”

“I'm just kidding!” Twilight held up her forehooves. “I love you and Shiny.”

“A little too much if you ask me.” Cadance pawed at the ground. “Would you like something to drink?”

Twilight shook her head. “On second thought, I have to go.”

“Bye.” Cadance waved.

* * *

“Oh, hai, Cadance.” Shining Armour held the dozen roses in front of Cadance, who approached him. “These are for you.”

Cadance guided the flowers into a vase which had conveniently been filled with fresh water and otherwise left empty. “Did you get your promotion?”

Shining Armour brushed past her, making his way to the sofa. “Nah.”

“You didn't get it, did you?”

“I... just... told...” The exasperated clapping of a forehoof on a face filled the room. “They said I might get it next month.” He looked up at his forlorn wife. “But I don't buy it. I advise them, I help clients, and I save them bundles.”

Cadance took a sniff of the bouquet and sat next to Shining Armour. “What exactly did you do?”

“Huh?”

“What did you tell them? How did you 'save them bundles'?”

“I... uh... I...” He leaned forward, feeling his back knot up. “It doesn't matter, okay? They're using me. They lie to me, they trick me, and I don't care anymore.”

“But—”

“They tell me I'd get a promotion already.” Shining Armour threw his hooves up. “They already put my idea into practice! It saves them money, they betray me, and I am the fool.”

Cadance winced and rubbed her forehead. “I'd offer you a drink, but I think you've had some already.”

“Not enough.”

A foxy smile adorned Cadance's face as she summoned two liquor bottles and two glasses to the table. “Time for some of my special love juice.”

Shining Armour scratched his head. “I thought that would come later.”

Cadance sighed. “My other love juice, dear.” She filled the glasses a third full with one liquor, then another third with the other. “Here. Drink.”

“Uh, babe?” Shining Armour squinted past the hovering glass in front of his face at the bottles on the table. “Apple Family's Secret Apple Whisky and Crystal Empire Premium Reserve Vodka?” He grabbed the glass and gave its contents a scrutinizing look. “Is that even a drink?”

Cadance drained half her glass in one gulp. “It is now.”

As the first sip passed his lips, he felt all his troubles melt away. A numb, tingling feeling overtook him before he had finished his first glass. By the third, he could not stop smiling and giggling. Cadance's already radiant body seemed to sizzle before him as he eagerly slurped up his fourth glass. A fair amount of alcohol had ended up splattering on the floor; neither pony could any longer wield their magic with enough precision to accomplish a task as simple as pouring drinks.

“Ha ha!” Shining Armour rested the back of his head on his forehooves. “I'm tired, I'm wasted. I love you, darling!”

Cadance staggered toward the stairs. “Come on. I think it's time I put on the saddle.”

Suddenly, the prospect of walking all the way upstairs while so heavily intoxicated seemed like nothing at all to Shining Armour.

* * *

“All right, maybe that was a little too much...” Cadance sat sprawled in a chair, sipping water from one of her husband's gigantic mugs.

The front door swung open, and Granny Smith entered. “Hello, dearie.”

Cadance did not bother to look up. “Hi, Granny. You're not here to lecture me again, are you?”

A sigh that sounded like stale air being slowly let out of a balloon wheezed from Granny's lungs. “It's the grandkids. They think they could get us another niche in the market by growin' oranges. Oranges!”

Cadance took another sip. “What's so bad about that? Aren't most of the oranges exported from farms around Manehattan?” She had not forgotten her Equestrian economics classes with Princess Celestia a couple of decades ago.

Granny smacked the table. “Oranges! We're the Apple family! Our relatives and us don't see eye to eye. I told Applejack and Big Mac no, but they don't listen to me. Say I'm too old to make the big decisions 'round these parts no more.” She sagged. Her wrinkles gave the impression that she had begun to melt in her chair. “Nopony will help me, and I'm dying.”

“You're not dying, Granny.”

“I got the results of the test back.” Granny gave Cadance a stern look. “I definitely have hoof cancer.”

Cadance smirked. “You'll be fine. They're curing tons of ponies with magic every day.”

“'You'll be fine'?” Granny shook herself, unsure if she had heard correctly. “I tell you I have cancer at my age, and all you've got to say is, 'You'll be fine'?”

“Sorry, I've got a lot on my mind.” Cadance focused on her water as if it had just become the most interesting thing in Equestria.

“Like what?”

“It's Shiny. He's not the stallion you think he is. He didn't get his promotion. He got drunk last night, and he hit me.” Cadance curled up, trying to compress herself. “I don't love him anymore.”

Granny's jaw dropped. “Shiny doesn't drink!” She thought back to the numerous parties Shining Armour had thrown. Most ended up with him waking up in an interesting place the next day. “Well, he does, but he never hurt anypony. He can hold his cider better than that! Why, he even put away more than Big Mac one time! It sure was somethin', I tell ya what.”

Cadance drained her glass and shook herself. “So you were upset at me for brushing off the news about your cancer... and all you care about after I tell you that Shiny hit me is his drinking habits?”

“Hmm?” Granny stood up. “Sorry, dearie, lost my train of thought. Where'd he hit you?”

“What?”

“Where'd he hit you?” Granny looked closely at Cadance's pristine pink hide. “I thought I was the pony going deaf.” She chuckled. “Show Granny Smith where it hurts, and we'll make it right as...”

Cadance breathed a sigh of relief. Granny had fallen asleep. “That was too close.”

* * *

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy giggled as they entered the barn.

“I told you it would be deserted!” said Rainbow. She had a small box tucked under her wing and a foreleg around Fluttershy.

Fluttershy reluctantly allowed herself to be dragged inside. “Oh... are you sure about this? How long do we have?”

“I dunno. Long enough.” Rainbow set the box on the table. Her wings flared. “Shiny's workin' until sundown, and Cadance is gone for most of the day.”

Fluttershy grinned and sat on the couch. Rainbow joined her. “I've been waiting so long... but why couldn't we have done this in my cottage?”

“With all those furry friends of yours watching?” Rainbow made a face. “No thanks! Besides, doing it in here is way more hot.” With that, she lunged forward and locked her lips with Fluttershy's.

Fluttershy murmured an “oh my” into Rainbow's mouth before inserting her tongue. She closed her eyes and whimpered in bliss as her wings unfurled like her lover's.

Before they could begin groping, Rainbow broke their kiss and opened the box. Twelve of Sugarcube Corner's finest chocolates (all heart-shaped) sat inside. Rainbow picked one up and offered it to Fluttershy. “Did you know that chocolate... is the symbol... of love?”

Fluttershy blushed and put half of the heart in her mouth. Rainbow bit on the exposed half, kissing Fluttershy as they ate the delicious chocolate. Fluttershy grabbed another one and placed it on Rainbow's crotch. She began kissing her lover, first on the muzzle, then slowly working her way down until she reached the Skittles-flavoured candy, licking every inch of Rainbow she could find while chewing on it.

Rainbow's eyes grew wide and her mouth opened. She whinnied.

The barn door opened.

“What in the hay is all this?” said Granny Smith, who stood with Cadance in the doorway.

A red-faced Rainbow stared at Granny in horror. “It's... uh...”

“Studying?” Fluttershy rubbed a noticeable spot of chocolate from her snout.

Granny surveyed them, taking note of Fluttershy's dishevelled mane. “Ya call that studyin'? Studyin' what, exactly?”

“Please, Granny.” Cadance rested a hoof on her. “I am the Princess of Love.” She made a jerking motion out the door with her head.

Rainbow and Fluttershy sprang up. They tried to fly, but their stiff wings allowed them only a few beats before they performed a synchronized nose-dive into the table in front of them. Blushing again, they clambered to their hooves and scurried past Granny and Cadance, scampering into the orchard.

“Rapscallions,” Granny muttered as she took a seat.

“Hi, guys, is Shiny around?”

Cadance and Granny looked up. Twilight stood in the door.

Granny's ears twitched. “How many ponies do you have come in and out of this barn? It's worse than a Manehattan subway!”

Twilight pawed at the ground. “I'll... come back later.” She turned on her hooves and plodded away.

“What was all that about?” Granny leaned back in her chair. “She used to be so bright, that pony.”

Cadance looked sorrowfully after Twilight. “It was something about what happened in the Crystal Empire, Granny. Of everypony, she was hurt the most by what happened. When she tried to go after the Crystal Heart, she found something nopony should find.” She shook her head. “I don't know what it was, but it made her disappear for days. By the time she escaped, she wasn't the same mare, and has been so reliant on Shiny ever since. We think part of her was left behind in that dungeon.”

Granny wiped her eyes with a hoofkerchief. “I... I didn't know... I'm so sorry, dearie. I know what it's like to lose somepony close to you. My husband, my son... but... not like this. At least they're in a better place now.”

Cadance could only nod mutely.

“I'd better go.” Granny stood up and dragged herself outside, leaving Cadance to her thoughts, staring blankly at the wall.

* * *

Unaided by magic, Twilight tossed a hoofball into the air and caught it. Even the simple act of playing catch with herself in the middle of Sweet Apple Acres's orchard brought comfort to her these days.

“Where's my money, Twily?” came a hardened voice from behind her.

Twilight whipped around. Pinkie Pie, with her mane and tail hair perfectly straight, stood behind her with ears flattened. Twilight gulped. “Uh, it's coming.”

Pinkie stalked toward her like a cat approaching a cornered rodent. “Oh yeah? When?”

“Just give me...” Twilight kept backing away until she was pressed against a tree. “About five minutes.”

“Five minutes?” Pinkie nodded slowly, but advanced on Twilight all the same. “You want five minutes?” Her features contorted into a mask of pure rage. “Well.. I HAVEN'T GOT FIVE BUCKING MINUTES!”

“Pinkie?”

“What?”

“'Buck' isn't a swear word.” Twilight coughed. “It's what Applejack does for a living.”

Fits of laughter struck Pinkie as her hair reinflated. “Oh, I know that, silly! It just sounds funny. I mean, who actually thinks it's a swear word?” She ceased her merriment. “But seriously, you owe me for all that marejuana.”

“Hey, don't worry.” Twilight exhaled deeply and threw a hoof around Pinkie's shoulder. “It's been a real hit at Shiny's parties—” (She ignored Pinkie sullenly saying, “I know.”) “—so I'm sure he'd have no problem reimbursing me when I approach him about it.”

Pinkie nodded as they headed toward Ponyville. “Good, because this stuff isn't easy to grow with the Cakes breathing down my neck, you know.”

“I can imagine.” Twilight tossed the hoofball again, and Pinkie caught it. “I just haven't asked him because his job's been getting to him. Once things have calmed down, I'll talk to him.”

Pinkie spun the ball on her forehoof. “This one time, I almost got caught, because Pound Cake somehow got into my super duper ultra secretive secret stash. Poor little Cake was totally baked for the whole day!” She snorted at her own pun. “Lucky for me, that's when Pumpkin's diaper exploded. Somepony's stomach can't handle rhubarb yet!”

* * *

Shining Armour drained a cask of water as he trudged through the orchard. “I did not hit her! It's not true. It's horseapples! I did not hit her! I did not!” He slammed the cask into the dirt. “Oh, hai, Mac.” He approached Big Mac, who sat in the shade of a large tree.

“Oh, hey, Shiny, what's up?” Big Mac waved.

Shining Armour sat beside Big Mac, his back pressing against the cool tree bark. “I have a problem with Cadance.”

“What's the matter?”

“She says that I hit her.”

Big Mac cocked his head. “Well... did ya?”

Shining Armour punched a root. “No, it's not true! Don't even ask.”

“Then why'd you bring it up?”

“Never mind.” Shining Armour took a couple steadying breaths. “So what's new with you?”

“I dunno.” Big Mac grabbed a stray apple and chomped on it. “Do you think mares like to cheat like stallions do?”

Shining Armour's tone grew suspicious. “What makes you say that?”

“Well, I once knew this mare...” Big Mac devoured another apple. “She had a dozen colts. One found out about it. Kicked her to death and donated her hooves to the glue factory up in Vanhoover.”

“Ha ha!” Shining Armour clutched his chest. “What a story, Mac.”

“It ain't funny.” Big Mac reached for a third apple and took a pensive bite. “Are you sure Cadance is okay?”

“Yeah... it's just... I dunno.”

Big Mac whistled. “Man, I just don't understand mares, ya know? Sometimes, they can't even understand simple math... Others, they're way too smart for their own good... And they can even be downright evil.”

Queen Chrysalis's visage flashed in Shining Armour's mind, eliciting a shiver. “You can say that again. But it seems like you're the expert, Mac! You have a mare, don't you?”

“Ee... maybe.” Big Mac finished his apple with a shrug. “I dunno yet.”

“Hah, mares are great.” Shining Armour gazed wistfully at the clouds. “My Cadance is great, when I can get it.”

“Eeyup.”

Shining Armour stared at Big Mac. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“Nothin',” said Big Mac, hastily stuffing another apple into his muzzle.

“What about... Cheerilee, was it? Didn't you two—”

“She wasn't any good in bed.” Big Mac thought about eating another apple, but stood up instead. “We never really worked. Cared too much about her students. Know what I mean?”

Shining Armour nodded.

“Look, I gotta go. AJ's gonna give me an earful if I don't get my share of buckin' done before sundown.”

Five minutes had scarcely gone by after Big Mac headed deeper into the orchard before Twilight came cantering toward her brother. “Hey, Shiny.”

“Oh, hai, Twily.”

“Shiny...” Twilight lay in front of him, her forehooves in front of her apprehensively. “I need to talk to you about something. It's... it's you. Ever since I've had you back in my life, I can't stop admiring you. Your body, your mane, and just... how big of a stud you are. Sometimes, when I'm reading a book at night after Spike's gone to sleep, I can't help but remember how lonely I am, and how I want you there, reading beside me. I want you to hold me as I turn the pages, to stroke my mane, to kiss my neck, to caress me... to kiss me. I love you.”

“Go on.”

Twilight cocked an eyebrow. “I just said it. I confess my feelings for you—my BBBFF—and you tell me 'go on'? These feelings... I don't understand them.”

Shining Armour stood up and caressed her mane. “Twily... I love you too. As a friend. As a sister. As a pony. Somepony can love somepony else very much without loving them like that. I'm your BBBFF, remember? We both love each other dearly, and we won't be horsing around. There are different kinds of love. Ours is the love of a brother and sister. You just missed me while I was on duty. If everypony loved each other, Equestria would be a better place to live. But that doesn't mean we need to commit incest.” He turned and looked to his side as if to give an unseen observer a stern, scolding glare. “Chin up, huh?”

Twilight smiled up at him, allowing his forehoof to guide her muzzle upward. “Now that I think about it... there was this one Pegasus Royal Guard...”

“That's more like it.” He gave her a playful noogie. “Let's go eat, huh? There's a pile of corn dogs with my name on it.”

* * *

The dark roasted coffee passed Shining Armour's lips. Just what he needed. He had left Twilight in the library fifteen minutes ago. He waved in greeting to Big Mac, who approached, somehow carrying a tiny espresso cup in his gigantic forehoof.

Big Mac blew on the beverage as he sat down. “Hey, Shiny? How's it going?”

“Better now.” Shining Armour patted his belly. “Nothing a dozen corn dogs with Twily couldn't handle. Better yet, the bank just told me we got a new client. I'll be working with her, and there's going to be a lot of money coming my way soon.”

Big Mac's ears pricked. “Oh? Who?”

“I can't tell you that.” Shining Armour sniffed his coffee. He took another hefty sip of the irresistible liquid. “It's confidential. Anyway, how is your sex life?”

Big Mac almost snorted on his espresso. “Uh... I can't tell ya that. Confidential.”

“All right,” Shining Armour grumbled. “Hey, wanna toss the hoofball around? I got a new tux for the big day at the bank tomorrow, and I need to break it in. Thing's way too stiff.”

“Eeyup.”

* * *

Applejack stared wide-eyed at Cadance. She left her mug of cider untouched. “And yer not gonna tell him? This can't go on, ya know. One day, sooner than ya think, it's gonna blow up in yer face.”

“Oh, Mac's already done that.”

Applejack's ears flattened. “What?”

“Never mind.” Cadance buried her muzzle in her drink. “I can't tell him... it would hurt him too much.”

“Oh, so now yer concerned 'bout hurting Shiny!” Applejack threw her forelegs up in mock praise. “Should've thought about before sleepin' with my big brother! I can't believe you. We put you up under our roof, and you repay us by horsin' around with Big Mac!”

“You act as if I tied him down.” Cadance balked. “He was quite willing, once I lowered his defenses. He's shy for such a big stallion.”

Applejack humphed. “'Lowered his defenses', eh? I guess you just conveniently forgot that yer the Princess of Love, as you keep remindin' us every day.” Her teeth produced a painful grinding sound. “Wait a tick. Yer special talent is to mend relationships. You give me this grand speech 'bout how you don't love Shiny anymore. Why in Celestia's name didn't you use your power on yourself?”

“Because shut up.” Cadance glowered at Applejack. “Look, you can't tell anypony about this, especially not with the party tonight.”

“I've got half a mind to tell everypony the truth.”

“Just don't.” Cadance drained her mug. “I'll figure something out.”

Applejack folded her forelegs. “Fine. Yer secret's safe with me... for now.”

“What secret?”

Cadance's heart stopped for a moment. She looked up to see Shining Armour standing in the doorway.

“I overheard you two talking. What's the secret?”

“Just filly talk, dear.” Cadance forced an exaggerated, obviously fake giggle.

“I'd better be going.” Applejack bolted past Shining Armour, galloping into the fields beyond.

“Come on,” said Shining Armour, taking his usual spot on the couch, “what secret? You're my special somepony. There should be no secrets between us.”

“I said it's just filly talk.”

Shining Armour's face fell. “Why did you say I hit you? I'd never do that.”

“I'm going to bed.” Cadance rose to her hooves and began walking toward the staircase. “Good night.”

“Please talk to me, Cadance. Talk to me, please!” He zipped in front of her and used his size to drive her back.

“Good night, Shiny.”

Shining Armour grunted and pushed her into a chair. “You are lying. I never hit you! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, CADANCE!”

“You're hysterical.” Cadance stood up, but Shining Armour pushed her again.

“Do you understand life?” Veins throbbed on his head. “Do you?”

“Sometimes, mares change their minds.” She glared at him. “About a lot of things. Good night.” She spread her wings and soared up the stairs, leaving her husband standing stock still, absorbed in inner turmoil.

* * *

“Come in. Come in.” Cadance waved the crowd of ponies into the barn, which had been covered in colourful decorations. She hugged everypony as they entered, until the place was full to bursting.

“Hey, Cadance,” said Big Mac, with three full mugs of cider in his clutches, “where's Shiny?”

“Oh, he's just sulking.” Cadance threw a forehoof around his shoulder. He had shaved his beard. Somehow, he looked sexier and more epic than ever before. “Though I suppose he won't be able to resist the cider for too long.” She nuzzled against his neck. “Not that I mind. You're here and he's not. Win-win.”

“Well, I never!” The shout came from behind them. Rarity, staring daggers at Cadance, stalked toward them. “Do you realize what you're doing? You're married, for pony's sake! You are going to destroy Shiny.”

“What do you know?” Cadance growled. “I love Mac, not Shiny.”

“I happen to know quite a bit, thank you.” Rarity raised her muzzle and pointed to her chest in the most dignified manner she could. “Him and I spoke at great length the other day—when he purchased the dress you're wearing, by the way—about how much everything's gotten to him. He's given you everything he has—and more. You aren't the only pony who lost everything when Sombra took over the Empire.” She jabbed a forehoof into Cadance's chest none too gently. “At the rate you're going, Shiny would've been better off... better off... marrying Queen Chrysalis instead!”

Rarity—quite by accident—had hollered the last few words of her tirade. Everypony stopped and stared.

“Why would I have been better off with Chrysalis?” Shining Armour, emerging from the staircase, shot everypony a suspicious look. “What's going on?”

“A lot more than you think,” said Big Mac. He waved a forehoof. “Look around you! Everypony knows, except you. Wake up, Shiny. What planet are you on?”

“Equestria.”

Twilight raised a hoof. “Equestria is a country, not a planet.”

“That's beside the point.” Shining Armour advanced until he almost stood in Big Mac's face. “Now, tell me what's going on!”

Big Mac closed his eyes and shook his head. “Eenope.”

Shining Armour's eyes bulged. “Oh, you're scared, huh? You're not good, you... you're just a chicken! Cheep cheep cheep cheep!”

“Hey!”

“Sorry, Scootaloo.” Shining Armour ruffled Scootaloo's mane. “I was talking to big, red, and dumb over there. You'd better leave before this gets messy.” He patted Scootaloo and watched her scamper off before returning his attention to Big Mac. “It's Cadance, isn't it?”

Cadance chuckled. “Bingo.”

Shining Armour shoved Big Mac into the wall. “Stay away from my mare!”

“She's not your mare anymore.” Big Mac pushed back and found himself in the middle of a ring created by everypony around them. “She doesn't want you. She chose me. You stay away!”

“Don't touch me, motherbucker!” Shining Armour slugged Big Mac in the muzzle, drawing blood.

“Hey!” Pinkie hopped up and down. “'Buck' isn't a swear word!”

Big Mac pawed at the ground. “Leave yer stupid comments in your pocket.”

“I don't have pockets.”

Big Mac struck back, barrelling Shining Armour over in a hard tackle. “And my Ma's dead, pretty boy!”

Cadance humphed and stood behind Big Mac.

“That's how it's gonna be?” Shining Armour rubbed his chest, slowly standing back up. “Fine.” He threw his forehooves up. “It's over! Everypony betrayed me! I'm fed up with this world!” The crowd parted to grant him access to a large chest against the wall. He opened it and dug through an enormous amount of spoons, until he found a case containing a strange green plant.

“No, Shiny, don't do it!” squealed Fluttershy. “Those oleander leaves! They're—”

Too late; Shining Armour had stuffed the hoofful of oleander into his mouth, chewed, and swallowed. “Now it's over...” His eyes rolled up into the back of his head, and he fell over.

Cadance's jaw dropped. “Is... is he dead?”

Big Mac rushed over to him amid the stunned silence and knelt down. “Of course he's dead! It only takes a few oleanders to kill somepony.”

Twilight pushed past the crowd and buried her muzzle in her brother's coat. “Why, Shiny, why?”

“At least... now... we can be together...” Cadance said over Twilight's sobbing.

“Eenope.” Big Mac picked up Cadance and tossed her on top of Shining Armour. “You don't have me. You have all this blood on your hooves, and I ain't helpin' you wash it off. So I accept your offer and we get married. Then what? You'll do the same thing to me as soon as you find somepony else you want to horse around with.”

“But... but...” Cadance said, too stunned to stand up.

“No buts.” Big Mac stormed all the way out into the orchard, but paused when he reached the door to turn around and say, “You little whorse.”

* * *

“Shining Armour! Shining Armour!”

He felt a pair of hooves on his shoulder shake him violently. “Huh, what?”

“You're okay!”

Shining Armour fell flat on his back and stared up into Cadance's worried face. “Where... am I?”

Cadance hugged him fiercely. “I've been searching for days! I told you not to come down here and look in the doorway Twilight found.” She pointed past him, at the black door with an oddly shaped crystal above it. “It's still protected by King Sombra's enchantments.”