Bloomberg's Last Hurrah

by Blueshift

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Tragedy
Length: 910

Caramel's jealousy of the relationship between Bloomberg and Applejack makes him do something stupid

Caramel's jealousy of the relationship between Bloomberg and Applejack makes him do something stupid. But he has more to lose than just his dignity…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-02-23 00:14:02 UTC

Chapter 1

It wasn't his goofy smile, it wasn't his forgetful nature, and it wasn't even his terrible haircut. For months, Caramel had driven himself crazy over why Applejack rejected his advances, going through reason after reason in his mind. But last night, he discovered it wasn't due to anything he'd believed.

It was because he wasn't a tree.

He had reached home as evening fell after an exhausting day at the farm, only to find that he'd dropped his trowel. It wasn't much to look at, an old rusty piece, but it was the only thing Applejack had ever given him apart from withering stares. So late that night he found himself searching Sweet Apple Acres for his missing implement, trudging up and down the dark fields and orchards determined not to lose one of his dearest possessions.

At first he'd thought the moaning was a ghost and had almost turned tail and run. As his eyes adjusted to the gloom, a figure swam into view. It was Applejack, beautiful Applejack, next to a tree deep in the orchard. Her hat was hung on a low-hanging branch, and she was hugging the tree, writhing against it. Caramel had frozen in confusion - his initial thought was that she was trapped and screaming in pain. Or that she was bucking the tree in a new and unusual way.

Then he had realised that she really was bucking the tree in a new and unusual way.

Hiding himself behind a large outcropping of foliage, he had settled down to watch for the rest of the night, gazing as the light of his life gave herself not to a rival pony, but to a tree. Outmatched by a tree. The thought churned in his stomach and he had stifled a bitter laugh – the tree wasn't as charming as him, it couldn't tell witty jokes or support anyone financially, but it was still better than him.

In retrospect he wasn't sure how long he had sat hidden after Applejack left, the only noise his own ragged breath as he sought to  come to terms with what he had seen, his mind a mixture of confusion and impotence. As the sun rose, he had stridden out to meet his rival in love.

The tree was Bloomberg of course, Applejack's favourite. He remembered that she had always talked about that tree, and he had feigned mild interest. But with it in front of him, he could only think of contempt. It was a scrawny, scraggly thing, nothing like the manful physique that he boasted. One branch was lower than the rest, a short stubby implement which jutted out at waist height. Caramel glared at it, his faced etched in intense jealousy as he started to kick the branch again and again until it finally snapped off with a sharp crack.

"I don't understand!" he'd hissed out, marching back and forth in front of the tree. "I would give her everything, you're just a tree! A stupid tree! You don't even know how lucky you are. If only there was some way I could make Applejack love me like she loves you. If only..." His words trailed off as he stared at the broken branch on the floor. The kernels of an idea formed.

That was how, one evening later, he found himself back in the orchard armed with an axe. He'd made short work of Bloomberg, taking great pleasure in carefully cutting down the tree. Then, using tools he'd found in one of the farm's outbuildings, he had hollowed out the trunk, gouging out his foe's insides until the floor was covered in sawdust and the tree was hollow enough to rather awkwardly fit one male pony. Finally he'd drilled a hole, just one, at waist height for a very special branch.

Caramel stood in the orchard in his disguise, wobbling painfully back and forth as he waited for Applejack, wincing at the pain of standing upright in such a confined space, splinters digging into him from all angles. He was blind in that trunk; he didn't want to risk her discovering his trick too soon. The pain and agony would be worth it though once Applejack discovered that he was a better lover than any tree.

Just as Caramel began to give up hope, he heard a noise, a rustling through the orchard and a soft drawling voice talking soothing words. He couldn't make out what exactly Applejack was saying through the thickness of the bark, but he knew it was sweet words of love. His heart raced and his special branch stood ready to receive her. Finally, he would get his reward!

"...an' tomorrow you're goin' to Appleloosa, an' ah'll never see you again!" Applejack sadly brushed a hoof over the bark of Bloomsberg, her oldest friend and dearest lover. "Ah'll remember all the times we spent together, an' ah know neither of us will forget last night's farewell."

"Ah also know ya'll forgive me for this." Applejack slowly raised the axe she had dragged along with her. "Your special talent's been hidden in this here orchard, but ah can't have any of mah cousin's realisin' what we've been doin'. Or doin' the same.  Sorry Bloomberg, it's been swell."

With that, she took aim, and swung the axe downwards hard on the special branch that poked out of Bloomberg.

"...and that" Caramel finished telling a mortified Braeburn "...is why I became a filly."