Babs Seed Profile

Chapters

01 - Welcome To Ponyville
02 - Breakfast With Granny
03 - PPD: Ponyville Police Department
04 - The Autopsy Report
05 - Profiling in the Whitetail Woods
00 - Babs and Berry

01 - Welcome To Ponyville

It was a dark and stormy night. Under normal circumstances, if this scenario appeared in the beginning, then this would actually mean something. However, to a simple young mare riding the train at the end of her daily routines, this weather merely accentuates the dullness and blandness of her daily life, to the point of lulling the pink unicorn mare with dark pink mane into a peaceful respite, just as usual...

“SURE, DAT’S ONE WAY OF LOOKIN’ AT IT, BUT IT’S TOTALLY WRONG!”

The loud, jarring voice caused the mare to snap out of her blissful nap and even caused her to knock her head against the window by complete accident. She held the side of her head in pain; however, she still had no clue where that sound came from. Rather than worry about such a trivial matter some more, the young unicorn mare named Ruby Pinch decided to dismiss the nonsense and return to the delightful feeling of the blissful-

“NO, YOU LISTEN! DEY BOTH NEED EACHOTHER! IT’S CALLED ‘INTA-DEPENDENCY,’ AN’ DEY BOTH KNOW IT!”

This time, Ruby jumped so far from the startling, yelling noise that she hit the top of her horn on the ceiling of the car. Once again holding her head in pain, Ruby could no longer deny the existence of the loud ye-

“YEA, I KNOW! HE DOES TERRIBLE THINGS TA’ TOM! NASTY, EVEN SADISTIC THINGS! BUT IT’S OK AS LONG AS DAT’S WHAT TOM WANTS!”

At this point, Ruby has had enough of the obnoxious yelling. She angrily dismounted from her seat on the train and proceeded towards the source of the noise.

“IT’S HIS PARTNER’S JOB, TA’ FULFILL DAT NEED! AND JERRY KNOWS DAT!”

After heading back towards the rear of the train for a few minutes, Ruby finally spotted the source of the screaming voice. It came from a nutmeg-orange coated mare with a magenta and pink striped, inverted bob cut. The mare was wearing a white collared shirt with stunning red tie and a sleek black sports jacket. The mare’s cutie mark was of a magnifying glass, with a single seed that marked the diameter of the reticule, almost like an eye. She seemed to be holding a cigarette in her mouth while yelling into some sort of black cup connected to a black wire that lead into a black box attached to the wall of the train car; A ‘telephone’ from what Ruby understood.

“WHAT, YOU WANT PROOF?! WELL, DEY DO LIVE WIT’ EACHOTHER, AND... Hello?”

The mare in the business suit looked at the cup in disbelief for a moment before taliking into it again. “Hello?” After a moment, she placed the black cup on a pedestal hanging on the black box before talking to herself. “Berry, I can’t believe da bureau still can’t get me a saddle-lite phone...” She then notices an angry Ruby Pinch staring right at her. Babs casually replies, “Can I help you?” before receiving an angry hoof-slam past the side of her face. “Ow! What da hay was dat for?!” Babs shot out as she saw the random bystander who slapped her just walk away and complaining

“The inconsiderate nerve of some ponies nowadays! Haven’t they ever considered keeping it down so as not to bother others?!”

“Yea, back at you too, filly!”

Babs sighed at the loss of her telephone call before removing a tiny plastic bag from her jacket and holding it on top of her hoof. The contents of the tiny baggie held three, crimson red seeds, locked up and sealed off from the rest of the world.

“Dese puppies are makin’ me go ta’ another town in da boondocks again,” she contemplated as she reminisced about her last three cases, all in three different, isolated nooks of Equestria. “Welp, I’ll be a happy campa’, even if it ends up jus’ bein’ a waste a’ time. At da very least, It’ll keep me outta Fillydelphia for a while. Right, Berry?” She pondered as she watched out the rainy window of the train car, seeing nothing but more rain.

“At least I won’t be DAT away from civilization dis time. Y’know Berry, I’ve actually been to Ponyville before, twice in fact. It’s a pretty nice place. But both of dose times was ten years ago, who knows what it’s like now.” She continued to look out the same window when something managed to catch her eye. It was a figure of a pony, wearing what appeared to be some sort of hooded robe. Yet this robe seemed to be constructed out of only raggedy, brown leathery straps. Aside from the robe, all she could see of the pony was its ominous, glowing red eyes and the rusty, muddy woodaxe it held in its right hoof. She saw it only for a second, but that second was enough for the image to be burned into her head for years.

An hour later, the pounding rain finally ended, as the train started to enter into Ponyville. “Dere’s definitely somethin’ in dis town,” Babs began to think aloud. “Do you feel it, Berry? My coffee warned me about it. Yesterday mornin’, da milk I poured in my coffee made a sign. It said, ‘Tomorrow, you’ll arrive in a place dat’ll change your fate.” She began to worry about what else may happen to her during her relatively brief stay in Ponyville. As the train slowly came to a complete stop at the station, she grabbed her luggage and made her way off the train. Since there were only a few ponies on the train with her, the platform was relatively vacant, save for a few ponies expecting new arrivals to exit the train, and of course, her own welcoming committee.

After a bit of searching, She finally found the ponies were waiting for her. There were two ponies standing there, both wearing the same, general uniform (though that’s not much of a surprise, since they’re all members of the Ponyville police department). They were wearing the same tan button-up collared shirts with dirt brown pockets and shoulders. They also all wore gun holsters around their flanks, covering their cutie marks.

The first pony was an earth pony mare. The mare had an olive yellow coat with a simply styled strawberry red mane, adorned with a large, similarly colored bow. She was the one Babs first recognized, because this one was Babs’ cousin, Applebloom. Babs’ attention towards her cousin, however, was soon diverted by the other pony. This pony, a light purple unicorn mare with a messy, light blone mane, had a certain... air about her.

“Now you are very late,” she commented playfully to Babs. “I didn’t think you’d keep us waiting in the rain for so long.”

“FBI Special Agent Babs Seed,” she calmly replied back while flashing her badge from the Fillydelphia Bureau of Investigations. “But you can jus’ call me ‘Babs. Dat’s what everyone calls me.” Applebloom threw a smile towards Babs. It felt like it’s been forever since Applebloom has seen her favorite cousin. “Well, it’s definitely been way too long, Babs. Ah’d say it’s been at least a good ten years since ah saw ya last. How’ve ya been, cuz?”

“Things for me have been goin’ pretty well, I’d say” Babs replied stoically. “It really has been a while, hasn’t it? By da way, Applebloom, since I am here for business, I’m afraid I can’t give anypony any special treatment. Any bias would get in da way of da investigation. You understand, right?” Her cousin’s cold response had made Applebloom’s heart sink a little.

“Yea,” she replied sullenly. “Ah understand, Agent Babs...”

“Good, dat’s good” Babs answered in a professional, nonchalant manner. “Now, are either of you two da sheriff?” she asks back taking a look at both mares, starting with the one that wasn’t her cousin.

“No, I’m Deputy Sheriff Dinky Doo Hooves,” Dinky replied. Applebloom followed in turn with her answer.

“Ah’m also a deputy sheriff, Deputy Sheriff Applebloom.” Dinky then followed up on Applebloom’s comment. “Rumble, he’s the sheriff. He went to a different part of the station looking for you, actually. He should be back soon.”

Babs didn’t really put too much attention into what Dinky just said, as she was much too busy checking out the blonde mare. She turned and thought aloud to herself “Dat Dinky’s easy on da eyes. Definitely wort’ a trip ta’ dis empty nook.”
Applebloom just stared annoyingly at her cousin and blatantly stated “Ya’ do know we just heard every word of what you just said, right?” Babs was unaware that the other two were listening and began to blush profusely.

“Oh...” she answered, trying to cover up her previous remark. “Uuh... I uuh... really, like your... mane?” she said to Dinky, who just giggled at the remark.

“Ah, there you are,” a voice from behind Babs shot out. She turned around to greet this new pony, who was a light grey Pegasus stallion with a slicked back Charcoal mane and a similarly colored horseshoe moustache. He wore a white button up collared shirt underneath a black leather jacket that was adorned with a badge. On his head, he wore a dark brown fedora. On his flanks rested a gun holster, covering up his cutie mark. “Welcome to Ponyville. I’m the Sheriff. My name’s Rumble.” His piercing violet eyes and scowl that his mouth formed denoted his disdainful attitude towards Babs’ presence in Ponyville.

“FBI Special Agent Babs Seed,” she replied back while flashing her badge from the Fillydelphia Bureau of Investigations. “But you can jus’ call me Babs. Dat’s what everyone calls me.” Rumble paced back and forth in front of her.

“Could you tell me why the Fillidelphia Bureau of Investigations is so interested in a small town homicide?” he scournfully asked her. Babs professionally answered, “Let’s jus’ say it’s a personal interest in da killers of young mares. I’m always lookin’ for new sample cases ta’ help me wit’ my profilin’.” Rumble looks onto the agent with annoyed anger. “Both of our superiors cleared dis wit’ eachother,” Babs continued. “But you can remain in command. Ya don’ have a problem wit’ dis, do ya?” she asked, noticing Rumbles feelings.

“N-no, no problem,” He answered back, averting his gaze. “I just wanted to set things straight.” The latter part of his statement was saturated with his harsh tone and his displeasure. “Our small town has its share of problems,” Rumble continued as he began to circle around Babs, who pulled out and began to smoke a cigarette in response. “I’m the one fixing them, one by one, and maintaining peace and order. You can have your profiling sample, but I need you to understand that.” Rumble stopped in between Babs and the two Deputy Sheriffs.

“Of course, it’s perfectly understandable,” Babs said as turned to face the three. She blew a puff of cigarette smoke into their face. Rumble merely scrunched his nose, while the other two rapidly wove their hooves in front of them to help quickly dissipate the smoke.

“So is there anything else you need help with?” Rumble asked the agent. “Thanks,” she replied, “but I’m fine for right now. Well den, I think I’ll rest up first. Den I’ll join you on your investiga-.”

“I don’t know how to say this,” Rumble interrupted, “But we really don’t need your help. Unlike some of your corrupt city police officers, I play it by the book,” he lectured to Babs, The tone in his voice beginning to rise. “I hope you come to appreciate that, Agent ‘Seed,” he stated, placing heavy emphasis on her last name to accentuate his contempt for her. “And we’ll handle the investigation. You just think of this as a vacation,” Rumble rambled on in an almost sarcastic manner. “Take it easy, enjoy the nature here. You don’t have to be a tree worshiper to appreciate the wildlife here,” he finished as he left the three ponies and the train station.

Babs turned to herself and thought aloud “Berry, let’s reassess da situation here. There aren’t any cave-ponies; we’re as far forward as da founding of Equestria! And it seems we’ve just met da ‘Princess Platinum’ of dis town.” Applebloom turns to her cousin and blandly states

“... Okay, seriously; ya really need to stop sayin’ those things where everypony can hear ya.”

02 - Breakfast With Granny

And of course, my dreams bring me here again... Whelp, can’t say my coffee didn’t tip me off to comin’ here, Babs thought as soon as she arrived in the same red room that her dreams have usually been bringing her to. She once again stood at one end of the same red room with the same red leaf floor and the same creepy blue doors and the same two pink chairs in the center. The only major difference in the room from the last time she was here was the very noticeable lack of the little pony twins. As per usual, she wandered around the room looking for other noticeable differences. She went over towards the charcoal black desk to the left of the fireplace, where she found something of interest.

“Oh hey, a sugar doughnut!” Babs exclaimed in joy. “Now I won’t have to be so hungry later on,” as she casually stuffs the delectable treat into her shirt pocket.

The only other noticeable difference she came across in the room was that the monitor and one of the mannequins were overturned and lying on the ground. Finding little else to do, she made her way over to one of the doors. I hope to Celestia this stupid door isn’t locked, she pondered to herself as she grabbed on to the knob with one hoof. Amazingly, when she turned the knob, the door actually opened, revealing nothing but the inky black darkness of the unknown. After staring into the abyss for a moment, she convinced herself that going through the door was her only course of action, and so she proceeded.

On the other side of the door, as Babs soon discovered was a simple hallway, with the same red leaf carpet as before, as well as large dirt walls that stood taller than most ponies. At the end of this hallway stood another door, and as far as Babs could see, there stood nothing in between her and this new door. She proceeded down this new hallway for a good fifty hoofsteps, to about the halfway point, when a voice started to call out to her.

“Babs! Babs!” the voice called out pleadingly. Oddly enough, the voice sounded like it came from a filly, or so Babs thought. She turned around momentarily to see precisely where this voice came from, and was met with quite a surprise. Standing behind her, only a few hoof-steps away, was a young filly. A young filly that looked exactly like Babs did when she was younger. The two Babs stared at each other, neither saying a word, nor moving a muscle, just standing and trying to perceive what was going on. Then Babs heard something else from behind. Only this time, it wasn’t the voice of a filly.

Babs quickly wheeled around to see what was behind her this time. What she saw that appeared there began to raise fear in the mare. About halfway between her and the door stood what appeared to be a lanky stallion. This stallion appeared to have a ghastly white coat and an eerie, short black mane, and was somehow standing on only its two hind legs, while reaching out towards her with its two forelegs. It appeared to wear a light grey shirt and light grey cap, and seemed to be covered and what appeared to be splotches of Inky black blood. The sound she heard was actually the unsettling, unearthly moaning coming from the thing’s gaping maw.

“Don’t breathe!” the filly Babs called out to the older Babs. “Hold your breath! Dey can’t see you if you hold your breath!” The older Babs turned back towards her filly self. “Hurry!” the filly Babs exclaimed to the older Babs while covering her mouth with one hoof. “Like this! Cover your mouth!” Older Babs paused to contemplate what was happening, what her filly self was doing, and most importantly, whether or not older Babs could trust her younger self. After a moment of thinking it over, older Babs decided to trust the younger Babs standing before her and covered her own mouth with one hoof in turn. She placed her other foreleg around her younger self, allowing her younger self to lead her older self past this monstrosity.

Slowly, the two Babs crept around the rather zombie-like stallion. It, in turn started to become more grotesque and more distorted as they approached even closer. By the time the filly and the mare were next to it, the thing appeared to start to defy the laws of its own physiology. Now the thing was making clicking noises while standing on its hind legs with its back to them; however, its back contorted and was bending itself backwards at a nearly ninety-degree angle. The older Babs wasn’t even sure that a normal pony’s back was even capable of achieving such a feat, yet there was no denying what stood almost less than a hoof away, somehow now even looking towards Babs and Babs. The pair stood there, next to this freakish nightmare for what seemed like minutes, almost to the point of losing consciousness from lack of oxygen At the distance that older Babs stood from the creature, she could now see more clearly that it possessed no eyes; only dark black voids occupied the sockets. The muzzle of the monstrosity almost seemed to have dark black blotches all around its mouth and up into its cheeks, almost as if someone painted a sick, twisted smile on its face. She was able to deduce that these horrors were unable to see her, at least in her current state. Otherwise it would’ve reacted to their advances at some point. Eventually, Babs and Babs shuffled away from the disturbing figure and finally reached the door. When they arrived, filly Babs removed her hoof from her mouth, so older Babs followed in turn.

“Who... are you?” the older Babs asked to her younger self. The filly did not respond as she simply opened the door. The last thing that the older Babs saw was the filly smiling at her, before her vision faded to white.

Babs woke up that morning in the bed that she was in. Since she was already well acquainted with Applebloom and the Ponyville Apples from her previous two visits, she decided to spend her stay with her Ponyville kin at Sweet Apple Acres, rather than some lucidly expensive hotel. She sat up from the bed, pulls out a cigarette, and begins to smoke. Then she began to narrate her thoughts to herself.

“Berry... Da symbolism in my dreams continues to intensify: a forest of red trees, a carpet wit’ red leaves, strange dolls, and twins. But dat filly is what bothers me da most. I swear I’ve seen her before... I just can’t remember where.” Babs stopped smoking as she got up from her bed. “Well, it’ll probably come back to me eventually, but for now, we need to get coffee!” She got dressed in her still clean suit with a red tie and preceded to head downstairs. “Let’s head to da kitchen, Berry. I hope Granny has some real coffee. I really need some coffee.”

Babs entered the kitchen that morning, eagerly awaiting a lovely home-cooked meal and, more importantly, her coffee. When she began her final years of schooling, she had discovered the joys a cup of coffee could bring to a pony (as well as the occasional cigarette, but that’s another story for another time). Babs has been drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes at least once a day ever since.

“Well good mornin, Babs’” a kind, elderly voice called to her. She turned around to find a much older mare making her way towards the pony that just entered. The older mare had a light lime green coat and wore her light grey mane and tail up into large buns. Her face was adorned with wrinkles that showed her age, and her half-closed, light orange eyes revealed her wisdom. “Yer breakfast‘s ready for ya.” “Ah, thanks Granny Smith!” Babs replied cheerfully as she made her way towards the Apple family’s legendary comically long dining table, said to be the only table in Ponyville that was able to seat each and every member of the Apple family at the same table. “I’m starvin!” She sat down at the head of the table and began to chow down on her delicious breakfast of apple strudels and apple turnovers with apple butter. She stopped momentarily and looked around confusedly.

“Is everythin all right, Babs?” asked Granny Smith, who was concerned with Babs’ confusion. Babs replied quickly “Oh, yea; it’s delicious Granny Smith. My compliments to da chef. By da way, where is everypony?”

“Ah, well, yer cousins, Applejack n’ Big Macintosh, already ate their breakfast,” Granny Smith assured as she took a seat on the other head of the table. “It’s gettin t’be close to Apple Bucking season again, so the two of ‘em have been real busy gettin ready for it. And yer cousin, Applebloom, is still asleep and should be down soon. It’s a dang shame she couldn’t give a buck with helpin’ out yer other cousins...”

“Really?” Babs asked with surprise and doubt. “I’d think dat she’d be more dan willin to help out around da farm.”

“No, I mean that she’s physically not strong enough to effectively buck the apples out of the apple trees,” corrected Granny. “That’s why she joined the Ponyville police force.”

“Oh...” Babs replied, now slightly embarrassed at mishearing the situation. “I guess it’s a good thing dat dere’s nopony else around.”

“WHAT WAS THAT?” Granny smith yelled over, apparently unable to hear as she held her hoof over to her closest ear. “THE SALT’S IN THE RIGHT SHAKER OVER THERE... Oh my. We’re all out of pepper. I’m very sorry.”

“I SAID DAT I GUESS IT’S A GOOD THING DA DERE’S NOPONY ELSE AROUND,” Babs yelled back. “Granny, it might help to hear you better if you could sit a little closer.”

“Oh my now, Babs, yer embarrasin me,” Granny Smith began to blush. “So early in the day too! I think Ah’m a little too old for you. And Ah’m yer Granny no less. However, I still love my departed husband, may Celestia rest his soul. I appreciate the invitation, but Ah’m fine over here.”

“WHAT?” Yelled Babs in response. “I CAN HARDLY HEAR YOU FROM ALL DA WAY OVER DERE.”

“Oh, yer exaggeratin. This is fine,” Granny assured. It won’t do t’be all clumped together with such a large table. We Apples gotta make use of all this space!” Babs slammed her hoof to her face. “Now tell me, Babs,” Granny continued, “How’ve things been for you since the last several years?”

“I been well overall,” Babs answered. “I’ve managed to land me a job in da Manehatten branch of da FBI about three years ago. I’ve been workin on a few cases ever since.”

“Oh my,” Granny commented. “There’s no need t’be the ‘Iron Pony’ while yer here. I want ya to be able to relax, y’hear? So if you need anythin, and I mean anythin, just let me know, and the Apple family’ll help out in any way we can.”

“Say, Granny,” Babs asked. “It’s been awhile since I’ve last been in Ponyville, Is dere anythin I should know about dis town?”

“Well, let’s see here....” Granny began to think. “It does rain here quite often, but Ponyville’s a nice place surrounded with nature. It was a big n’ prosperin town ‘til not too long ago. We used to have over six thousand ponies in Ponyville, but now only about six hundred or so left of ‘em now. I suppose the clock tower on the edge of town is also famous. Y’know it rings from mornin ‘til night to let all the ponies know the time. Now, is there anything else you’d like to know about?”

“Yeah, actually,” Babs replied. “Could you tell me about da shops around here?”

“The, uh... what now?” Granny began to fumble. “I uuuh....”

Applebloom suddenly entered into the kitchen, wearing her police-pony garb she wore yesterday. “Ah can answer that for ya,” she interjected as she made her way towards the middle of the table. “Hiya Granny, Hiya Babs.”

“Alrighty then,” Granny said as she got up from the table. “I’ll get you yer breakfast while you tell yer cousin Babs what you know.”

“So then, about the shops,” Applebloom began. “If ya wanna buy a sweet treat for later, then you’d wanna stop by Sugarcube Corner. The family who owns it, the Cakes, are really nice. Ah’m sure you’ll get to like’em. The Twist n’ Shout Diner is a great place to eat. Mah old friends, Twist and Snails, own the place, so it’s kinda new, but it’s turnin out ta be really popular ‘round town. There’re also two bars in Ponyville: the ‘Everfree Tavern’ and the ‘Chim Chimeny Cheroo Pub.’ Ah know Sweetie Belle owns the Everfree Tavern, and Featherweight helps her run it, and that Pip ‘n his dad own the Chim Chimeny Cheroo Pub, but ah rarely ever go to either of those places mahself. Y’know, busy with the family and all. There’s also the town hall, Carousel Boutique, n’ even a gunsmith. Ya should be able to find what ya need.”

“Thanks, Applebloom,” Babs said to her as both of then finished eating breakfast.

“Well, I better start cleanin up, now,” Granny stated as she headed towards the table. “Both of you take it easy, and I’ll bring Babs’ coffee out in a moment.”

“Thanks Granny Smith,” Babs told her. “But I gotta warn you. I am very particular about my coffee. Da very best you have, please.” Granny delivered babs her coffee with a side of cream shortly afterwards. After the delivery, Babs took the side of cream and added some to her coffee. She then stared into her coffee with great interest, as her coffee would soon reveal the future to her. After a moment of staring into her beverage, she quickly exclaimed to herself. “Whoa, did you see dat, Berry?! Clear as a crisp, spring mornin! C-D-D. In. Da coffee! I knew I could count on it. It never fails me.” Babs then finished her coffee. “Now, let’s get going.”

Applebloom then shouted out “Y’know, sometimes, Babs, you scare me.”

03 - PPD: Ponyville Police Department

“Now dat’s one fine building for such a small town,” Babs commented to Applebloom. The two ponies had just arrived at the Ponyville Police Department, which happened to be one of the finest buildings in the entire town. It had maroon bricks outlining the frame of the building, and a golden wooden plywood exterior. The roof, in contrast, was layered in elegant, spearmint green plywood. In the middle of the front entrance, where Babs and Applebloom stood, were a single pair of gorgeous double doors, each adorned with a picture of a star with the imprint of a pony in the center. Above the door hung a bold green sign, which read ‘PONYVILLE POLICE DEPARTMENT’ in bright silver letters.

“Ah know, right?” replied Applebloom in a smug tone. “The exterior wood work is spectacular, if Ah do say so mahself. Don’t you agree, Babs?”

“I take it you had something to do with da construction.” Babs retorted. Applebloom just frankly answered back.

“Eeyup!”

The building’s interior was just as marvelous as its exterior. The walls had a nice Oak finish, and a long, green couch encircled the perimeter of the room. Facing the double doors was a single counter spanning one side, and directly in front of the counter laid a Pegasus stallion, hunched over and sleeping (snoring, even), positioned towards the wall. This cream colored pegasus stallion was incredibly lanky, almost appearing anorexic. His head, which looked almost twice as large as his stick figure body, was adorned with an auburn brown bowl cut mane. He wore a tan button-up collared shirt with dirt brown pockets and shoulders, topped off with a dirt brown tie. He also wore a gun holster that covered up his cutie mark. Shortly after the two mares’ entrance, the pegasus asleep on the desk popped up from his sleep. Groggily, he turned around and was surprised to see the two mares that have most likely been watching him sleep on the job. He then gaily fluttered towards the two mares before he threw an admirable salute to them.

“Pleasure to meet you, Agent Seed,” the pegasus stallion said in a nervous, yet pleasant tone. “We’ve been expecting you. I’m Featherweight, the Sheriff’s assistant.”

“FBI Special Agent Babs Seed,” she replied back while flashing her badge from the Fillydelphia Bureau of Investigations. “But you can just call me Babs. Dat’s what everyone calls me.”

“Uh, very well then, A-Agent... Agent Babs,” Featherweight stuttered nervously. “I want to help do everything I can to help the investigation. The victim was such a bright and lovely mare, I just can’t believe Diamond Tiara was murdered.”

“Ah can.” Applebloom interrupted. The other two just stared daggers at her, making her blush with embarrassment.

“Did you know her well?” Babs asked him in response.

“W-we were in the same class back when we were foals,” Featherweight answered, “but that’s the case for everypony here at the police department.” He hung his head down in shame. “I-I’m sorry. It’s just, this is the first really big case I’ve ever seen.”

“I understand,” Babs reassured to him in hopes of comforting him. “Just try to relax. Now, can I have a look at Diamond Tiara’s File?”

“Y-yes, of Course!” Featherweight perked up. “The Sheriff told me to let you through to the meeting room, but...”

“Lemme guess, ya lost the keys to the filin cabinets again, didn’t you?” shot out Applebloom during Featherweight’s lapse. The stallion just nodded, ashamed by his mistake. “Don’t worry about it, Featherweight,” she continued. “Hey Babs, why don’t ya take a look around the station while Featherweight and Ah go find that key?”

“Alright. Sounds good. Let me know when things are ready,” Babs replied as Applebloom ran down a hallway to the mares’ left while Featherweight gaily fluttered off behind Applebloom. “Berry, Featherweight appears to be da kind and sensitive type. Da ‘Private Pansy’ to da ‘Commander Hurricane’ of a Sherriff. Throw in da book-smart nerd, da fashionable drama queen, da down-to-earth country pony, and da comedic relief, and you got yourself a good setting for a cartoon.”

Babs used this moment to look around the department. The two hallways to either side of the first room looked exactly like the rest of the interior. At the end of the left hallway was the stairs that lead downstairs to some jail cells. She entered the basement jail and was surprised to see Applebloom and Featherweight standing in one of the cells.

“Found it!” Applebloom raised a set of keys connected to a keychain of a curvy-tailed squirrel so that the agent could see.

“Wait, but how did you...” Babs began to question before she was interrupted.

“Featherweight likes to clean up around the department when there’s not much goin on,” Applebloom explained. “Sometimes, he accidentally drops the keys when he’s cleanin. This is actually the fifth time he dropped them in this cell.”

Babs face-hoofed in response.

“I’ll bring the files right over to you,” Said Featherweight, still blushing from embarrassment. “So please, go to the meeting room. It’s the room closest to the entrance room within the left hallway.”

Later that morning, Babs, Applebloom, and Featherweight sat around a single long table within the meeting room. Dinky, who arrived at work just a moment ago, read the contents of the file aloud to them.

“The victim’s name was Diamond Tiara,” read Dinky. “Age 20, her dream was to move out of Ponyville and become a model. But for the time being, she was working at the Twist and Shout Diner, here in town. She lived with her father, Filthy Rich. Diamond Tiara’s mother died in an accident during the Winter Wrap Up that happened in Ponyville eighteen years ago, when Diamond was just a foal. Her father was the owner of ‘Rich’s Barnyard Bargains’ a franchise of convenient stores that went out of business three years ago. Currently, he’s unemployed and is living on what little riches he had after his stores went under. After all, Ponyville is a small town with a low cost of living. Financially, they seemed to get by fine and they led normal lives.” Dinky finished.

“A normal life is exactly what a pampered pony doesn’t want,” Babs stated. “It’s all starting to make sense, Berry.” Babs lifted a biscuit that was on a plate in front of her. She took the cigarette that she was smoking and extinguished it on the now empty plate.

“City folk, huh,” Dinky said sarcastically to Applebloom and Featherweight, clearly disgusted by Babs’ lack of etiquette. “No, I take that back. All of them can’t be as bad as her, though some should have better manners.” Babs paid no attention to Dinky as she took a bite out of the biscuit she was holding.

“Whoa!” Babs shouted in shock after she took a bite. “Now Dis is a good biscuit! I’ve never tasted a biscuit dis delicious! Where in town can I get dese?!” She asked the other cops.

“Well, actually,” Featherweight admitted shyly, “I umm... I-I baked them myself.”

“Featherweight always cooks us biscuits,” Applebloom commented. “How he doesn’t have a cutie mark in cookin, Ah’ll never know.”

“Really?!” Babs questioned. “Dat’s amazing. What are you doing in law enforcement?!”

“Photography...” He sheepishly replied

“I am very particular about biscuits, I’ll have you know,” Babs continued. “Da balance of milk and butter you’ve achieved here...” Babs took another bite out of the biscuit. “Oh My!” At that moment, the door to the meeting room slammed open.

“Everypony, Diamond’s autopsy’s ready,” Rumble called out to everyone in the room. “Agent Seed, you are welcome to accompany me to the Ponyville General Hospital.” Rumble looked over to Dinky. “Dinky, you come too.” Then he looked over to Applebloom and Featherweight. “Featherweight, stay here and tidy up these files. Applebloom, you watch the station while we’re gone. Alright everypony, let’s get going!”

“Yes sir!” Dinky, Featherweight, and Applebloom replied as they saluted Rumble. Applebloom and Dinky made their way out of the meeting room while Featherweight started to clean up the table. Babs followed the other mares before Rumble stopped her.

“You might think this is just a small town police investigation,” Rumble lectured to her, “But our inspections are thorough and solid. I’m hoping you won’t slow us down.”

“Heh, dat’s funny,” Babs replied. “I was just about to say da same thing to you.” She smugly smiled as she headed out the police department. Rumble merely scowled at her behind her back.

04 - The Autopsy Report

It was around lunchtime when Babs, Dinky, and Rumble arrived at the Ponyville General Hospital. The hospital itself looked to be a rather old building, with its timber-framed walls and rustic, cozy appearance; however, it was much more distinct than the other buildings in Ponyville thanks to its clay-tiled roof that sat atop three stories of floors. The interior of the building contrasted heavily from the exterior.

The main lobby of the hospital was a clash of colors, with its dark blue carpets and cyan floors, the olive green walls with creamy yellow frames, the tacky pink windows that let in sunlight from outside, and the swirly mahogany ceiling that topped the entire color ensemble. The lobby itself was completely empty, save the three ponies that just entered and one lone mare sitting behind the front desk.

The mare in question had a pure white coat and light pink mane that she wore up in a bun. On her head stood a tiny white hat, adorned with her cutie mark, a bright red cross with a little pink heart at each corner that the cross didn’t encapsulate. Her sky blue eyes were calmly looking at a book that she seemed to be heavily invested into. The trio of ponies walked up to the mare as she put away the book.

“Hello, Sheriff,” the mare greeted them and waved her hoof hello as they approached.

“Hi Nurse Redheart.” Rumble responded. “We’re here to see the coroner. Do you know where he is?”

“I think he’s in the computer room.” She answered.

“A computer room?” Babs questioned. “Dis hospital has a computer?!”

“Nice to meet you, Ms. FBI Agent,” Nurse Redheart replied to Babs. “This hospital was actually one of the first ones that had access to a computer back in the day. All of our employees share the computer. “

“Very nice to meet you too, I’m FBI Special Agent Babs Seed,” she replied back while flashing her badge from the Fillydelphia Bureau of Investigations. “But how did you know I was from da FBI.”

“Easy,” the nurse answered, “None of the police in this town wear cologne.” She began to giggle. Rumble lowered his hat to cover his face and his embarrassment. “Besides,” she continued, “Your arrival is the biggest rumor in town.”

“Rumors get exaggerated as dey spread,” Babs commented, “Even in da countryside.” She looked down at the desk and noticed the book that Nurse Redheart was clinging onto. “What’s dat you’re reading, if I may ask?” Nurse Redheart glanced down at the book

“You haven’t heard of this yet?” she asked. “Well, It’s an ongoing noir styled mystery. It’s set in Detrot. I’m sure an FBI agent like yourself has been there, right? A big, populated city with thousands upon thousands of ponies? Anyway, so this one unicorn is found dead on some city streets, and so this one private detective alongside a few other ponies have to figure out who the sick, twisted-“

“Nurse Redheart!” Rumble interrupted.

“Sorry, sorry,” she apologized. “I shoudn’t have gotten so off track like that. I’m sorry to have wasted your time.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it,” Babs dismissed the nurse’s apology. “Books are written to entertain, and it’s good you’re enjoying it. What we’re faced with here is a terrible crime committed in the real world, much different from dat of a novel. So dere’s no need to apologize.”

“Thank you, Agent Babs,” Nurse Redheart replied, her voice full of gratitude. “You’ll find the computer room through the double doors on your left. Follow the hall until it splits to the left. Take the left split, and the door to the computer room will be the first door on your right.”

“So den,” Babs asked her two companions while on the way to the computer room, “What kind of doctor is this doctor anyway?”

“The doctor is actually one of the best in the field,” Replied Rumble “A real prodigy. This pony made a small fortune in three years by running a small clinic out by Vanhoover, then moved back here to continue practicing medicine.” The three ponies arrived in front of the computer room.

“Yeah,” added Dinky as she opened for the door. “And get this: The doctor is also...“ she stopped as all three ponies looked inside the room. It was empty.

“... Is also not here, apparently.” Dinky concluded

“Nurse Redheart needs to check her information.” Rumble stated, rather angry that, in fact, the doctor was not in.

“Nah, I don’t think so,” Babs replied. “Does the doctor like playing games by any chance?”

“What do you mean?” Dinky asked her.

“I mean, dere’s a message by the computer,” Babs gestured at the computer monitor. “And a card key already set in place,” she gestured at a small card on the desk next to the computer. Babs then read the message from the sticky not on the computer. “Da King passes da Rook and meets da Bishop. Da Knight takes a Pawn to da Queen.” All three ponies pause for a moment.

“What the hay kind of sense does that make?!” Dinky shouted, breaking the silence.

“It’s a simple riddle,” Babs responded to Dinky’s outburst before turning and thinking aloud. “Berry, let’s take da doctor up on dis challenge. You can do dis, right?” She then closed her eyes and thought quietly.

“Oh for the love of Celestia!” Rumble exclaimed as he went to leave. “Games?! This is getting ridiculous! I’m getting Nurse Redheart to call the doctor up here right now!“ He stopped for a moment as he began to hear typing. He looked over to the computer and saw Babs typing. Shortly after he turned around, she stopped and exclaimed.

“Aha, dere we go!” Babs shouted happily. “Da doctor awaits below with da deceased. So dat’s where he is.”

“What are you talking about, Agent Seed?!” Rumble yelled furiously at her. “This is no time to be messing around!”

“It’s simple,” Babs explained. “Da riddle was a hint to da password, which was ‘KRBKNPQ.’ den the first thing on the desktop told us dat da doctor is in da basement with Diamond Tiara, and even left us dis card key so we can go dere ourselves.” Both Dinky and Rumble just stared at Babs in amazement and surprise.

“What? Neither of you ever play chess before?” Babs asked them, though she did not get any response. “Whatever, Come on you two. It’s time to meet da mischievous architect of dis little game.” Babs said to them as she walked out the door. Dinky followed behind while Rumble stood in place for a little longer, Almost starting to vent from the obnoxious riddle and Babs’ smugness.

The trio of ponies eventually came across a locked door in the basement floor. Just as Babs predicted, the card key unlocked the door and allowed them passage into the morgue. The morgue appeared to be a small, single room with dark grey walls and dim lights, striking much contrast to the rest of the colorful hospital. What they first saw in this room was a short and stout unicorn stallion sitting at a desk.

The unicorn stallion had a dark teal colored coat and a short, spiky, dark orange mane. He wore a white labcoat that he barely fit into. His cutie mark was a white pair of scissors. He appeared to be working on something and was concentrating hard on it.

“Dr. Snips,” Rumble called out as he, Dinky, and Babs made their way inside. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

“Oh there you are,” the unicorn stallion exclaimed as he turned to face them. Getting a good look at his face, Babs saw that he had bushy, brown eyebrows and buck teeth. “You made it,” he continued. “Let’s get started shall we?”

“This is Agent Seed from the Fillydelphia Bureau of Investigations,” Rumble introduced the stallion to Babs.

“Nice to meet you Agent Seed,” the stallion said as he approached her. “My name is Snips, and I’m the Forensic Practitioner on duty.”

“FBI Special Agent Babs Seed,” she calmly replied back while flashing her badge from the Fillydelphia Bureau of Investigations. “But you can just call me Babs. Dat’s what everyone calls me.”

“Very well, Agent Babs,” Snips responded, extending his hoof to her in exchange for a hoof bump.

“By da way,” Babs asked him, “Did you create dat ‘battle of wits’ yourself?

“Yep!” happily answered Snips. “Just wanted to see if you could handle the task.”

“I see,” Babs said. “Well, it was pretty fun if I do say so myself.”

“Glad you liked it,” Snips responded. “Doing that sort of thing is-“

“We don’t have much time!” Rumble roared at the two. “We need those autopsy results!” Rumble went straight towards the table in the center of the room, passing through Babs and Snips.

“Next time, try challenging us without obstructing an investigation,” Babs whispered to Snips. “You’ve angered da princess,” she continued as she motioned towards Rumble.

The four ponies gathered around the center table where Diamond Tiara’s body was. Her body was laid on her back atop the large, iron table. There were traces of evaporated liquid around her eyes, as her mascara ran all the way down her face A dark teal blanket covered her body from her chest down, and was organized neatly as if it was ready to be thrown into a coffin. Snips began to explain his findings to the other three.

“From the onset of rigor mortis, the stiffening of the muscles, the time of death is estimated to be between 8:00 pm and 10:00 pm,” He clinically explained. “That’s still quite early for such a crime to take place. Note that there are two exterior wounds: Pressure marks around the neck.” Snips moved Diamond’s mane to point out the elongated, barely visible, slightly purple indentions that circled from her throat to her crest. “As well as a long cut located on her stomach,” He went on. “Blood marks around her inner right knee tell us she was gripping something round between her forearm and her fetlock. Her skull was also fractured, but that was unrelated to the cause of death. It probably happened to her after she was killed.” Snips paused slightly to let the others process all of the information.

“Now, I first thought that the cause of death was by suffocation, due to the marks on her neck, but after further investigation, I now have a different conclusion. The direct cause of death was by loss of blood from the wound on her stomach,” Snips finished.

“...Which means, what exactly?” Rumble questioned.

“Dat she was cut up while she was still alive.” Babs answered.

“Yes,” Snips added on. “A sharp knife was used. It was inserted beneath the bottom of her chest and was then quickly sliced downwards to about right above her flanks, creating the cut about three to four apples in length. The excessive loss of blood from her internal organs is what actually killed her. Her hooves are clean, and with no DNA left behind from the attacker. She also doesn’t appear to have been bound, nor badly beaten. She was apparently killed without resistance.”

“The most tragic thing; however,” Snips said in a depressed tone, “was that she was unable to speak her story to anypony who could hear her cries.”

“So da perpetrator cut out Diamond’s toungue,” Babs concluded as she began to analyze Diamond’s body with her own two hooves.

“Well, I believe she was drugged first to faze her consciousness” Snips responded, “and then the killer killed her. Now if I were to guess, the killer most likely has a deep, traumatized past concerning mares,” he lectured. “He probably cannot converse with them normally. Cutting out the tongue suggests a very lonely individual.” The other three ponies merely looked at Snips. “Well, either that or a truly hardcore sadist. Because he must get off on watching ponies suffer, especially when they can’t answer back. He watched as the blood pumped from Diamond’s body, as she gradually grew cold. There was a case in Seaddle about twenty-five years ago that was-“

“Hey blockhead, limit your report to your findings as a doctor!” Babs interrupted him. “Criminal profiling is my job!” Snips could only shrink back in embarrassment. “Also, you’re wrong with your observation,” Babs continued. “Diamond Tiara died fully, deeply, painfully aware of what was happening to her.” She paused briefly. “So can anypony tell me what time did it stop raining on da night Diamond was killed?”

“Just before I went to bed,” Dinky spoke up, “right after the movie on TV ended. So around 1AM?

“What movie was it,” Babs asked her.

“An Equestrian Werewolf in Trottingham.” Dinky answered.

“Ah, so directed by John de Lancie about thirty years ago.” Babs replied. “So da rain stopped accompanied by da ending song Blue Luna. Rumble, would you mind if I examined Diamond Tiara myself?” she asked the sheriff.

“What more do you hope to find?” Rumble asked in return.

“I’m sure I mentioned dat I have a personal interest in cases like dese,” Babs replied as she loomed over Diamond’s body. “From her lack of resistance, I’d say dat Diamond’s injuries happened very quickly. Unable to speak, she was den left to cry herself to death. Berry, it’s all starting to come together!”

“Wait, who’s Berry?” Dinky suddenly asked.

“Not now.” Babs cut her off. “Anyway, da perpetrator stayed with Diamond for at least two hours until it stopped raining. At da estimated time of her death, it was still raining. But you can still see tear marks on her cheeks. Dat means she was killed under a roof somewhere. She was den carried into da woods after it stopped raining.”

“Uh, there’s one other thing,” Snips brought up. “Her toungue was removed with a very blunt knife. In fact, it’s more likely it was simply chopped off.”

“Hey Snips, Are you a passionate stallion?” Babs interjected him. Snips could do nothing but stutter and blush from where he stood. “Rumble, are you passionate?” she asked.

“Um, I’m very passionate, yes,” Rumble replied. “Especially when it comes to mares. But what does that have to do with-”

“Rumble, da perpetrator is just like you,” Babs commented. “He’s passionate about mares.” The comment made Rumble blush profusely. “He’s a passionate kisser,” Babs led on. “Dis was a ‘kiss of death.”

“S-So the perpetrator b-bit off Diamonds tongue?” Snips replied, now full of terror at what Babs was implying. Dinky and Rumble just gasped in response.

“We’ll never get a dental print from a wound like dis,” continued Babs, “But dis is still a big lead.” Babs then locked lips with the corpse of Diamond Tiara.

The other three ponies were so shocked that they could do nothing but watch as she kissed the dead mare. Babs broke contact with the body shortly afterwards, with something now in Babs’ mouth. Immediately, she spit the newest contents of her mouth out onto an empty spot on the table. It was a large (but gooey) pile of crimson red seeds.

“Jackpot, Berry,” Babs exclaimed to herself. “It’s a shame, but our old-time all-Equestrian sightseeing tour just came to an end.” Babs looked up to the other three ponies. “Dis case is now under da jurisdiction of da FBI. I’m assuming command, and I’ll need you both to assist me in the investigation.”

“What in the nine circles of Tartauros do you mean, Agent Seed?” Rumble questioned, rather furious in Babs’ commandeering of command, among other things. “I know I said I was passionate, but you can’t think I did this-?!”

“Dat’s not why I’m assuming command, Rumble,” Babs calmly cut him off. “You’re a suspect just as much as every other passionate stallion in Equestria. Lemme show you something.” Babs reasoned as she pulled a tiny baggie from out of her coat pocket.

She laid the baggie and its contents of three crimson red seeds next to the soggy pile of crimson red seeds Babs extracted out of Diamond Tiara’s mouth. She then began to pull out several more tiny baggies, each containing three crimson red seeds. After she pulled out about seventeen baggies, she then paused to let the other ponies see all of the crimson red seeds on the table. All 75 of them (including the ones in the soggy pile).

“Dere you go,” Babs concluded as she made her point. “Amazing, eh? I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but most of the details are top secret.” The other three ponies could only stand and stare in shock at the discoveries found within the last ten minutes. “Rumble, Dinky,” Babs called out as she proceeded towards the exit, “We should be going. No need to stay here any longer.” She stopped right before reaching the door. “Oh, and by da way, Bishop takes Queen, his Rook takes your Queen, then your Knight takes Rook, and checkmate.” Babs then left the morgue. Rumble and dinky were rather confused by Bab’s odd statement, but Snips seemed to feel a newfound sense of awe from those words. He rushed over to the desk at the chess game he was working on. He did as Babs instructed before little victory rings came from the game.

“Oh wow, my first victory in the Grandmaster Ranking!” shouted Snips in amazement. “That Babs Seed is the most amazing pony EVER!”

“Agent Seed,” Rumble said to the agent, “If you’re so desperate, then why not smoke two at once?” Babs looked at him as she was about to pull out a cigarette to smoke. His comment made her hesitant, and eventually, she put away the new, unused cigarette, now slightly annoyed at Rumble. The three ponies were back in the lobby of the hospital, just about to leave and continue their investigation, when they heard the sounds of hoofsteps behind them. Babs turned around to see what was approaching.

It appeared that two ponies were making their way towards Babs, Dinky, and Rumble. The first appeared to be a purple unicorn mare. She was sitting in a grand oak wheelchair and wearing a charcoal black straightjacket that kept her forelegs bound. Her face was covered by a silvery white gas mask exposing only her long, straight cut dark blue mane that had a single streak of dark violet next to a single streak of pink. Even her eyes were obscured and her horn covered by this gas mask, which almost resembled a skull in appearance.

The second mare was completely different by comparison. She appeared to be an earth pony, but she looked nothing like what most ordinary earth ponies would. Instead, she was covered in black stripes over her grey coat. Her mane was a black and white striped Mohawk, and her eyes a calming turquoise. She wore several golden rings around her left foreleg and neck, and the bottom of her ears housed another gold ring each. She appeared to be pushing the wheelchair that the first mare was sitting on.

“Who are dose two ponies?” Babs asked Rumble.

“Oh, them,” Rumble commented. “That’s Twilight Sparkle: One of the bigger problems around here. She moved here about twelve years ago, when she and a couple of other ponies presumably defeated Nightmare Moon and saved Princess Luna. She became a princess about ten years ago, but then, a little after the Crystal Empire disappeared about nine years ago, Twilight was said to have murdered Princess Cadence, and thus had her Princess-hood and Alicorn-dom removed. She’s been like that ever since. Even though she’s no longer a princess, the entire town treats her like royalty. Not that that makes any difference. So long as I’m around, she won’t be getting away with any funny business.

The two mares stopped in front of Babs and Rumble. The striped one stepped next to Twilight, who appeared to whisper something into the striped one’s ear. The striped one then addressed Babs.

“Ms. Babs Seed,” The striped mare said with a heavy accent. “Haste won’t lead you to what you seek. Keep your eyes focused on your hoofsteps as we speak. So says Twilight Sparkle.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Babs calmly replied to the two mares. “Who are you and how did you know my name?” Once again, Twilight began whispering things to the striped one’s ear, who, after a moment, then began to continue speaking.

“Ms. Babs Seed. Information desires you. Just as you desire information too. So says Twilight Sparkle.” Agitated at their pestering, Rumble went up to Twilight’s face.

“Dammit, Twilight!” he yelled. “Stop trying to get in our way! Keep this up and even you’ll have to answer to the law!” Paying no mind to rumble, Twilight began to whisper more things to her mare companion.

“Ms. Babs Seed. With each rain our town goes mad. To our disdain unpreventable so sad. So says Twilight Sparkle.”

“Oh, Gee, Thanks for da warning,” Babs said to the two mares.

“We hope for you to get a good start. Without further ado, then, we shall depart, Ms. Babs Seed.” the striped mare finished, once again moving behind Twilight’s wheelchair. The two mares then exited the hospital, leaving Babs, Rumble, and Dinky behind.

“That’s how she always has been, always spouting that nonsense,” Rumble reassured Babs. “Don’t give her any thought, It’s all gibberish.” Dinky’s radio then started to alarm.

“Dinky here,” she raised her hoof to her shoulder mounted radio. She then began conversing through it. “.... mmhmm... Ok, thank you Applebloom.” She finished her conversation and then returned to Babs and Rumble. “Agent Babs, We’ve contacted the first witnesses to the crime scene. You can interview them where they found the dead body.”

“Excellent,” Babs replied to Dinky. “I was just about to ask if you could take me dere.”

05 - Profiling in the Whitetail Woods

That afternoon in the Whitetail Woods was rather humid, though that was to be expected for the middle of summer. Babs, Dinky, and Rumble made their way towards an empty clearing that housed a wizened old tree. It was completely bare and devoid of any greenery that all of the other trees were covered in. It’s branches were akin to brown tendrils that would look like they would flail around aimlessly were they not a stationary part of the tree that they were attached to. It’s trunk was covered in what appeared to be red, ivy leaves, which gave the appearance that the tree was wearing an elegant, red, sequined dress. In front of this tree stood a very energetic and very pink mare, whose darker pink mane was just as springy and bouncy as her personality was. She turned around and saw the three of them approaching. Almost instantly she was standing in front of Babs and Rumble, talking.

“Hi, my name is Pinkie Pie,” she stated to Babs instantly and filled with cheer, “And you must be that super-duper FBI agent that everypony keeps talking about!”

“FBI Special Agent Babs Seed,” she replied back while flashing her badge from the Fillydelphia Bureau of Investigations. “But you can just call me Babs. Dat’s what everyone calls me.”

“You must be here to solve the murder that just happened here,” Pinke continued. “I really do wish you the best of luck on solving the mystery! Let me tell you, I know how hard it is to solve a mystery of this size. I’ve tried to solve a case once about who took a bite out of Mr. and Mrs. Cake’s Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. I didn’t get very far. Speaking of which, what exactly does FBI stand for? Frying Batter Incorporated? Fourth Bank of Idahorse? Filly Brand Instant Potatoes? I’m gonna guess that last one, cause you look like you really like your potatoes! Which reminds me, do-“ Babs covered the pink pony’s mouth.

“You sure seem rather talkative,” Babs commented on Pinkie’s behavior before removing her hoof from the pink pony’s mouth. “Anyway, so you’re da one who discovered da body?”

“I sure was, though actually, Pumpkin Cake and Pound Cake, Mr. and Mrs. Cake’s two foals, technically found the body first, but I was really, really close, and I was the one who called the police. They’re over there if you wanna talk to them later,” Pinkie said as she pointed Babs towards two young ponies; a unicorn filly with brilliant azure eyes, light yellow coat, and curly mane of brilliant orange, and a pegasus colt with dark brown eyes, manila cream coat, and a regent styled mane of brown. Both of them were talking to Dinky. Babs then started to think to herself again.

“Berry, do you see dat?” She asked. “Twins! Just like da ones in my dream! We gotta talk to dem!”

“That’s funny,” Pinkie replied aloud to Babs, “I usually see Spike and Rarity walking around in circles on top of mountains of ice cream in mine.” Babs jumped in shock to Pinkie’s unexpected remark. ”Also, while we’re on the subject, do you think we can talk about the case away from the twins? I really wanna help you out with the case, but I really don’t wanna expose them to that kind of stuff at their age.”

“Very well,” Rumble responded to Pinkie, “I’ll have Dinky take the twins aside and-“

“Whoa, Nelly!” Babs interrupted Rumble. “Don’t be doing anything without asking me. Dese foals were da first to witness da crime scene. I’m gonna need to talk to dem.”

“Okie Dokie Lokie,” Pinkie cheerfully replied.

“Oh come on,” Rumble cried in response, “They’re just foals. They have no idea what really happened to Diamond Tiara.”

“Dat doesn’t matter,” Babs retorted back as she made her way towards the twins.

“How heartless!” Dinky yelled at Babs “Don’t you ever think of other ponies’ feelings?!”

“Dinky’s right,” Rumble added. “That’s stone cold, even for the sake of investigation!”

“You should at least make it chocolate ice cream!” Pinkie shouted out at random. All the other ponies, including the twins, stopped arguing and just looked at her in confusion. “What? Chocolate ice cream is the best,” she added. After an awkward silence, Babs went on.

“Younger ponies often see things in pure, simple terms,” Babs reasoned. “Dey may have seen something dat we older ponies would have never spotted. Not to mention dat dey are hear at our request as well. We could at least chat with dem and see if dey’d wanna make a statement. And don’t worry, dey aren’t as fragile as you think.” She assured as she sat in front of the twins.

“Now tell me, Pound, Pumpkin, what is it dat you found here?” Babs aksed the twins.

“Miss Diamond Tiara,” Pound answered. “She was so pretty.”

“Her coat was shining,” Pumpkin added.

“There were lots of animals around her,” Pound continued.

“Squirrels, weasels...” Pumpkin began to list off, “and a snake! A real snake!”

“We didn’t know until then,” Pound stated”

“But we know now!” Pumpkin finished his statement.

“Miss Diamond Tiara was a fairy of the forest,” Pound proclaimed

“She was just like a princess,” Pumpkin described.

“She smiled when she saw us,” Pound threw in.

“She looked so happy,” Pumpkin commented.

After listening to the twins’ testimony, Babs paused slightly to think, and then she replied.

“Dat’s right you two,” she praised them. “She was a fairy, and a princess, and I’m sure dat she’s playing with dose animals, even now. Thank you both for talking with me.” Babs turned towards the older ponies. “Well, Dinky, you can take them now. “ Dinky just nodded as she led the twins away from the clearing and back towards ponyville.

“Ok Berry,” Babs said to herself, “Dis is where Diamond’s body was found. And dat means dat our unknown subject was here too. So what happened here?” Babs began to question as she pulled out a cigarette and started to smoke.

“As you requested, we have permission to stay and look around as needed,” Rumble told her. “But what are you planning on doing?”

“Oh gee Rumble,” she replied in an incredibly sarcastic tone, “Whatever are we going to do aroud da scene of da crime when we really need to find da killer?”

“Ooh, I know!” Pinkie Jumped in. “Sarsaparilla break!” She held up a few bottles to the two ponies while wearing the largest smile on her face. Both Babs and Rumble were at a loss for words as they just stared at her.

“Anypony want any Sarsaparilla?” Pinkie continued to offer them. Babs just gently pushed Pinkie away from the conversation as she continued where they left off.

“Hey, We might as well uncover some more evidence while we’re at it,” Babs told Rumble.

“My ponies already took care of that,” Rumble told her. “And I seriously doubt that there’s anything else to find around here.”

“Yeah, especially since I hid most of it in that tree for safekeeping,” Pinkie added as she pointed to the top of a nearby tree. Babs and Rumble were utterly shocked to hear Pinkie confess this, and in such a non-chalant manner. Their jaws were completely agape until rumble began to talk to her further.

“... Pinkie... Why did you take the evidence, thus tampering with the crime scene?” Rumble asked, the anger rising in his tone.

“I just told you: so that you can look at it later and not have anything turn up missing,” she innocently replied. You know, in case of evidence emergency.”

Rumble face-hoofed himself. Hard

“... Well, at least it’s all in one place,” Babs replied. Since Pinkie seemed to put the evidence in a neat little pile on top of the tree, Babs decided that now was the time to pull out her secret weapon: a 9mm handgun, custom made for earth pony use. Such weapons were standard issue for the FBI, as the ammo cartridges that go with the handgun are magically enchanted to load bullets into the guns from the FBI ammunition supply back in Fillydelphia. These magically enchanted ammo cartridges allow the FBI agents to reload their guns directly from the supply, so that they don’t have to worry about running out of ammo during missions.

“Oh, hey, what is that?!” Pinkie yelled at Babs as she drew her handgun. “Is that a handgun? That looks really expensive. But you wouldn’t be pulling that out unless there’s danger, right? Or maybe you found something! Is it the killer?! Is he somewhere around here?! Is he wearing a sombrero?! He’s gotta-“

“That’s more than enough, Pinkie!” Rumble hissed as he silenced the mare.

“...Sorry,” she quickly apologized, “I was just-“

She was quickly interrupted when the sound of a loud ‘bang’ erupted from beside her. The sound, of course, had come from Babs’ custom handgun. Shortly after the ‘bang,’ Pinkie and Rumble noticed a lone bird’s nest falling from atop the tree, before Babs snatched it up from the ground seconds later.

“Agent Seed!” Rumble shouted over to Babs, “What in Tartauros do you think you’re doing discharging a handgun within the town limits, and at the crime scene no less?!”

“Simple,” Babs calmly replied as she managed to pull out a rather large bag from the bird’s nest, “I’m gathering evidence. Take a look for yourself.” She gestured for him to look in the bag. He peered inside the bag she held to view it’s contents that would help the two of them solve the case.

What he found inside the bag were two bent blades of grass, a wood chip covered in rusty metal dust, and a whole mess of pictures. Most of the pictures appeared to be random shots of nature (specifically of the crime scene, Babs was able to deduce), but there was one picture that stood out: a black and white picture of somepony wearing a black, leather vest with a large, circular hole cut from the back.

“Oh hey, you found the bag I put them in,” Pinkie commented. “I even took pictures of this area, just in case.”

“Whaddya know,” Babs replied aloud to Rumble, “Looks like Pinkie Pie here is much more thorough dan all your ponies combined.” Rumble didn’t pay much attention to the remark; however, as he was currently looking at some pictures of the ground by the base of the tree, as well as some other similar pictures of the nearby patches of dirt.

“These holes on the ground were made by high stallionetto heeled horseshoes all around here,” Rumble noticed. “And these depressions here... I think I see what happened here.” He then began to describe a scenario to Babs. “I think he hung her here from the tree, and then put on her horseshoes. He must’ve been really enjoying it, the sicko. Then he knelt down, and...” He paused as his mind began to fill with the disturbing images of necrophilia-based clop. “Disgusting!” he then shouted. Babs just took another puff on her cigarette as she was merely looking at the stallion trying to analyze the crime.

“Well, Rumble,” She addressed him, “You clearly have a vivid imagination and an interesting idea. Remind me to introduce you to somepony later, some Hayleywood producer by da name of Joel Horseshoemaucher. Anyway, profiling is a little different from writing some screenplay. An idea being interesting doesn’t make it fact.” She paused for a moment. “Lemme enlighten you, Rumble: Dese hoofprints reveal dat one of da heels was missing from one of da horseshoes, And dey’re different from Diamond Tiara’s hoofprints dat we saw on her file and autopsy report. Furthermore, dere’d be even more evidence if he did kneel and fuck her, not to mention that that sorta thing would’ve been mentioned in da autopsy report. If you want proof, though, go ahead and try it for yourself.” Rumble simply blushed as he dismissed his recently made theory.

“He knelt here for a reason other dan simple perversion,” She continued. “He was kneeling to worship her! Just like da twins said, she was a princess. Our unknown subject humbled himself in front of Diamond’s body, with its bitten out tongue and massive stomach gash, once the dead Diamond Tiara was transformed from an object of despite into one of worship.”

“So den dat begs da question,” Babs addressed, “Who is Miss Stallionetto Heels?”

“These steps are close coming up to the body, and then farther apart going away,” Rumble analyzed. “There must’ve been some reason to hurry away, then.”

“Den dat means dat Miss Stallionetto Heels is a third party in dis case,” Babs reasoned, “meaning dat she’s not da murderer, since nopony would ever run away from an object of worship. Perhaps she was another victim who was with Diamond Tiara, or perhaps an accomplice who fled for some reason. Either way, she’s also da one who took whatever Diamond was holding onto in her hoof.”

“Then why did she she leave her here?” Rumble questioned.

“Only Miss Stallionetto Heels knows the reason for dat,” Babs replied. “She might even know something about da pony wearing da vest in dis picture here. So Rumble, any idea about how many mares in dis town got a pair of high stallionetto heeled horseshoes?”

“I’d say just about anypony would have a pair of those,” Pinkie threw in. “Except for Applejack, of course. She’d never care to wear something like that. Although, now that I think of it, neither would Rainbow Dash. Hey, I don’t even recall having a pair. I mean sure, I have several pairs of Platform horseshoes, Clown horseshoes, even stilts. But-“ Pinkie was interrupted by Rumble slamming his hoof into her mouth to silence her.

“I’d say the bigger question would be who would come all the way out here wearing them,” Rumble said. “Well, there might be somepony who would do that.”

“And who might dat elegant mare be?” Babs asked him

“Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!” Pinkie began to shout. “Was it Fluttershy?! It was Fluttershy, wasn’t it?! I totally bet Fluttershy would-“ Once again, Pinkie was interrupted by Rumble slamming his hoof into her mouth to silence her.

“I was thinking of Rarity, the owner of Carousel Boutique,” Rumble declared.

“That was totally my next guess,” Pinkie blurted out.

“But she went to Canterlot for a couple of days,” Rumble continued, “and won’t be back for another day or two.”

“Den we’ll talk to her when she gets back,” Babs simply answered.

“That’s a great Idea!” Pinkie exclaimed. “We should totally throw her a ‘welcome back from Canterlot, there’s been a murder while you were gone’ party. And we can totally make it a surpri-“ Now, Pinkie was interrupted by Babs slamming her hoof into her mouth to silence her.

“Now den,” Babs asked Rumble as she held up the wood chip, “Where in Ponyville can somepony find something like dis? Any building dat isn’t used anymore with either a lot of metal or metal machinery or something?”

“Well, there is an old, abandoned lumber mill by the northern edges of town,” Rumble answered her.

“Now we’re talking!” Babs exclaimed. “It’s time to get dis show on da road!”

00 - Babs and Berry

It just had ta’ be one a’ dose nights, didn’ it? An’ anotha’ one a’ dose dreams the nutmeg-orange coated mare with the magenta and pink striped, inverted bob cut mane thought to herself.

She found herself standing on a floor of blood red leaves in what looks like a small clearing of a forest composed of blood red trees. More of the blood red leaves continued to levitate up from below her in a slow, gentle drizzle of stagnant surrealism. She was standing near one edge of the seemingly perfectly circular ‘room’. Alongside the edges of this room stood many miscellaneous objects. A knee high bookcase with a small selection of reading material, a monitor of some sort sitting on a small, round end table, displaying a blank, white screen, and single, two-pony park bench with a fluffy, blue backboard occupied the right edge of the area.

On the left stood a large, rustic, black fireplace flanked on each side by more furniture. To it’s left stood a single, self-standing lamp and a small, round clock atop a charcoal black desk. The hands of this clock spun much too rapidly for the usual norms clock hands are supposed to spin, and in a counter-clockwise direction, no less. To the right of the fireplace stood two bare mannequins and another charcoal black desk. The two bare mannequins gave the mare the creeps somehow, though they might have been useful for hanging jackets and such.

On the desk by the mannequins laid several tiny dolls resting on what appears to be a map of Equestria. One of the dolls remained isolated from the others. The isolated doll, a doll shaped like a fat stallion, rested on a small plate, which read “Ponyville”. Standing directly behind and in front of the mare laid two doors, each one a rustic blue color with a lovely oak frame. A creeping shadow, shaded darker than Nightmare Moon herself, emanated from behind both doors. However, what intrigued the mare the most is what occupied the center of this crimson purgatory.

Her light lime green eyes were drawn towards the center of the scarlet circle of leaves, which held two identical, pink cushioned chairs, both facing her. In these two chairs sat two very similar looking young ponies. These twins were both wearing identical, pure white dresses along with identical, bronze laurels of leaves. The pony on the left, a unicorn filly with brilliant azure eyes, light yellow coat, and curly mane of brilliant orange, was emanating an unearthly cobalt blue aura. The pony on the right, a Pegasus colt with dark brown eyes, manila cream coat, and a regent styled mane of brown, was emanating an equally unearthly light emerald aura. The two twins seemed to be whispering things to each other before turning and speaking to the mare.

“Could you wait... Just a little longer?” The colt on the right asked the mare watching them. “This won’t take long” chimed the filly on the left. The two young ponies then turned their attention back to each other as they resumed their earlier whispering.

The mare started to think back to herself, What, am I suppos’d ta’ stay hea’ an’ watch dese two talk ta’ demselves? She began to look more around the room. F’get stickin’ around ‘ere, she thought as she reached for the silver door knob connected to the door behind her.

I’m outta’ dis- What da hay! as she tried to turn the knob. Dis stupid door’s locked! She galloped over to the other door on the other side of the room. Naturally, that door was also locked. Oh dat’s great, now I’m locked in ‘ere! she disdainfully pondered. She trudged her way back to the first door, hoping that it really wouldn’t take long for the twins to finish whatever the hay they were doing and let her get on with her bizarre dream. Fortunately for the mare, the twins once again began to converse with her.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” the colt spoke out. “It will start soon.”
“It’s about time... to get started,” the filly replied.

What da hay are dese two talkin’ about?! the mare questioned to herself. She closed her eyes to the visions around her as she began to retreat into her own thoughts.

----------------------Meanwhile, in the countryside near Ponyville------------------------

A very energetic and very pink mare was out taking a stroll alongside two young ponies through the scenic greenery of Whitetail Woods, just outside of Ponyville. The two twins she was accompanying seemed to be taking much interest in every sign of fauna and flora the trio came across.

“Hey Pumpkin, look at that!” the cream colored twin said while pointing at a particular bushel of grass. “I see it Pound!” the yellow twin answered back. The two twins ran over towards the previously indicated bushel of grass. They sat down by the bushel, observing a ruby red ladybug crawling on the top. Pound stuck his hoof out beneath the blade of grass the ladybug was crawling on. Eventually, it made its way off the leaf and onto Pound’s outstretched hoof. Pound then moved his hoof next to Pumpkin’s hoof, where the ladybug eventually made its way. Pumpkin giggled at the sight of the ladybug navigating in circles around her hoof. The twins then ran off a little deeper into the woods with the ladybug still on Pumpkin’s outstretched hoof.

The pink pony who was with the twins yelled out to them, “Wait! It’s dangerous to run around here you two!” The twins stopped running off and turned around to the pink pony with an incredibly curly dark pink mane and bright blue eyes. “Auntie Pinkie Pie, hurry!” Pumpkin yelled to her, “Hurry up!” “Auntie Pinkie Pie, you’re too slow!” Pound added on to Pumpkin’s remark. Pinkie started moving to where the twins were at a slow, relaxing pace. This slower pace soon began to bore the twin’s short attention spans as they ran off even deeper into the woods. Pinkie merely stopped and giggled as the twins’ anxiousness reminded her of her own energetic fillyhood she had long ago.

The twins continued their dainty gallop through the woods until they cam across a wizened, old tree, and stopped suddenly. The grand old tree itself was a sight to behold. It was completely bare and devoid of any greenery that all of the other trees were covered in. This tree’s branches were akin to brown tendrils that would look like they would flail around aimlessly were they not a stationary part of the tree that they were attached to. The trunk of the tree was covered in what appeared to be red, ivy leaves, which gave the appearance that the tree was wearing an elegant, red, sequined dress. The twins stared at the tree, though not because it was old and grand, but because of what was on it.

On top of the trunk of the tree hung a beautiful, pale magenta coated mare, with a very elegant, wavy violet mane with white streaks. Atop of her head laid an incredibly expensive, petite tiara. The mare appeared to be tied by each foreleg to two outward spreading branches with dead ivy. Her rear legs were bound together by a gorgeous, red silk sash. The mare was hanging lifelessly, as made evident by the enormous, bloody gash that ran from the bottom of her diaphragm to halfway down her stomach.

The sight was so astounding that they even momentarily forgot about the ladybug that Pumpkin was bringing along on her hoof. “Wow, you two are fast. I thought that I was never gonna catc- DEAR SWEET CELESTIA’S GLISTENING PEARLY FLANK!” a familiar voice yelled out. Pinkie Pie finally caught up with the twins as she couldn’t hope to keep up with them at their pace (old age will do that to you, kids). Pinkie, by far, had the worst reaction to the scene. “Oh, Diamond Tiara...” she continued. Now all three ponies were entranced at the scene before them. A small, white snake began to climb up and spiral around Diamond Tiara’s body, stopping for a moment around Diamond’s chest, until it made its way towards the topmost branch. What was laid out before the three ponies was only the start of a cataclysmic event that would change the lives of everyone who lived in Ponyville forever.

“Berry... Berry. Can ya hea’ me?” the nutmeg-orange coated mare thought out into nothingness. “It’s me, Babs. If ya’ can hea’ my voice, could ya’ respond?” She paused her thoughts as if to let the nothingness answer back. “Good,” she continued. “I thought ya’ went ta’ sleep o’ somethin’. Berry, don’ be surprised or nothin’, but da crime took place out in da country dis time. Let’s take it slow. Ok Berry?”