Honk Honk! The car honked its own horn!
Honk Honk! The car honked its own horn!
The day had been going absolutely perfect for the newlyweds, both of whom were recovering from the longest, and possibly the wildest, wedding celebration that all of Equestria had ever experienced in its years of existence.
The cake was absolute perfection, the quadruple layer cake having been made by the Element of Happiness herself, the changelings had been completely driven from Canterlot and the newlyweds could finally enjoy some well deserved time together. Best of all, having two goddesses as close friends made the gifts the best part of all. Unorthodox to say the lest, but it was still a enjoyable experience.
"Hey! Hold on author! Why were the gifts so unorthodox?" You're currently asking, as you read this incredibly done, well written story. Well, my dear friend, these gifts didn't originate from Equestria nor did they originate from Equestria's plane of existence. Being the creators of that particular universe, Celestia and Luna had more than enough power to reach across to another universe and snag a little something for the two happy ponies.
That little something came in the form of a brand new, white colored Kia Cadenza.
"There you are, my adorable little newlyweds!" Celestia exclaimed, her cheeks burning a gentle shade of red due to the copious amount wine sloshing around in her white belly. "You two can finally get rid of that hideous carriage and cruise around Canterlot in style."
Luna probably would've thrown in a few words of her own, but the bush a few feet away from the scene that Celestia was causing with her glass of wine and her horrid breath was currently under assault from the torrent of vomit gushing from Luna's mouth. You know how a goddess can get around a bottle of wine.
"Ummm, thanks!" Cadence said, backpedaling a few steps to avoid the staggering Celestia. "It looks......Great? Hehehe....Shining what do you think about it?" Cadence called, as she tried to get around the stumbling mass of white fur to speak with her husband.
He was already trotting over to his shiny, new "carriage" with a toothy grin plastered on his ecstatic snout. With a flash of his horn, a small set of keys shot out of Celestias' grasp and straight into his expectant hoof. Another flash of his horn and his was sitting in the drivers seat thanks to a quick little teleportation spell.
"Oh my dear sweet Celestia..." He muttered, as he took in the cozy surroundings of his newest prize. The soft cushy leather that he now sat on was comfortable beyond belief, caressing his weary body in its welcoming grasp. Cupholders, multi-level heated seats, twelve speakers to fill his ears with music and so much more at the low low price of thirty-five thousand nine hundred dollars! If he knew what any of that actually meant for him, he would've been like "Holy crap! That's awesome!"
Cadence, on the other hoof, was not amused. This thing didn't look safe at all. Just looking at it from her point of view, it's easy to understand that this sleek, well crafted car could be dangerous to her beloved husband. It easily towered over her by atleast six inches and it easily weighed twenty times more than her small, sixty pound body.
"Shining! Get out of that thing before something bad happens!" The worried Cadence hissed, as she stared at her giggling husband with anxious eyes. "Who knows what thing will do if you mess with it!"
Rolling down the windows, which was easy for the Shining Armor since the Cadenza is such a simple, but reliable car to deal with, the giddy stallion poked his head out of the car and greeted Cadence with a cheesy grin. "Come on Cadence! It's awesome in here!"
"Get out of there right now!" The pink pony replied, her wings flapping in frustration as her husband responded with a simple no. "Celestia? Celestia please tell him something or I'm goi-"
Finally turning her head to look for her fellow princess, Cadence found Celestia unconscious on the cold, cobblestone road, with Luna using one of her large, white wings to wipe vomit from her mouth.
With a face hoof that could have beaten all face hoofs, Cadence just let out an annoyed sigh.
Honk Honk!
Looking up she noticed her husband waving a hoof at her. "Come on Cadence! Lets go!"
"Faust help us all......"
Three hours, two fires, six destroyed buildings, and seven crushed stalls later.....
".........Cadence? Are you still mad at me?"
Cadence didn't respond, her seething anger doing nothing to warm up her freezing body as the draft coming from the gaping hole on the bedroom wall let in a chilly, autumn breeze dropping the rooms temperature to a chilly forty degrees....Something that could be avoided in the Kia Cadenza, due to its wonderful heating and air conditioning system. But I digress.
"Honey? Is there something wrong?"
"Yes! Yes, Shining, there is something wrong!" Cadence spat, ripping the ineffective blanket off of her body and jumping out of bed in a fit of rage. "Do you really have to sleep with that thing!?"
Looking up at the vehicle, which was resting on the bed in between to two ponies, Shining Armor could not for the life of him understand why his wife was so upset. "I don't see why not. It's not hurting anything." Shining Armor replied, oblivious to his wife's growing fury.
"I don't care if that thing isn't hurting anything! I want it gone!"
With an incredibly manly, but still dramatic gasp, Shining Armor gave his seething wife a look of pure disbelief. "But we've only had her for a day! And with that incredibly reasonable and handy fifty thousand mile, five year warranty she's gonna last us forever!"
With a snort, Cadence spun around and began marching out of the room. "If you're not going to get rid of it, I will."
"But-"
Sadly, Shining Armor was met with the loud slam of the bedroom door.
"Whatever...Atleast I get to spend one more night with you.....Cadenza." Shining whispered, giving the beautiful car a kiss on its rubbery tire.
Later....
That idiot of a stallion! Choosing that hideous hunk of metal over his own wife. I should just leave and try hooking up with that cute rainbow pegasus. Atleast she knows how to handle a -
Honk Honk!
What the.... Looking around, Cadence found herself completely alone in the middle of the cobblestone road. She could have sworn that she had seen a few other ponies in the streets. Now she was alone, with nothing but the lights from the buildings around her to keep her company on her lonely walk back to the castle.
Honk Honk!
Gah! There was that noise again! Cadence thought, as she spun in another anxious circle, desperate to found out who was tormenting her.
In a flash of silver, she finally saw her stalker, several feet down the road.
The Kia simply sat there, its headlights giving off a gentle. but menacing glow as it stared down its foe with the ferocity that only a Kia could provide its valuable customers. With a rev of its own engine, the car charged at the unsuspecting pony, whom shot a powerful beam of pink energy at the evil car in a futile attempt to stop the car.
Sadly, the car drove straight through the beam and hit the pink pony with a mighty thump!
Flung through the air like a ragdoll, Cadence finally hit the concrete ground with a painful thud, her wings, a few ribs and a leg completely shattered from the brutal collision.
She had been utterly defeated, reduced to nothing but a heap of broken bones and mangled fur. Looking up one last time, Cadence faced her better and finally admitted defeat. "Damn you for being so perfectly built! It's clear that I'm nothing compared to your greatness! Please, kill me quickly. I don't deserve to be with Shining."
Kia! Buy It! Or Else
Click!
"So what did y'all guys think?" Tom asked, turning the TV off with a click of the button on a small remote as a group of men stared at him in disbelief from behind a large, black table.
Jim, Toms' boss, pinched his nose, before he gave Tom a cold look. "That commercial would cost us millions, you idiot! Not only did you turn a simple project into a complete joke, but you have the gall to throw in animal abuse, infringe on copyrights and threaten our customers."
"And you have cadence completely out of character!"
The entire room turned to face a single, black haired man sitting on the far left corner of the table, oblivious to the stares that he was getting from his fellow workers.
"And how exactly did Shining Armor drive that thing anyway? How did he not notice it when it drove out of the bedroom? This is like some crappy fanfic turned into a million dollar commercial!"
And that was the day that Jim had his first of many heart attacks.
