All Gods go to Heaven

by Clocklike

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy
Length: 1679

Celestia hits the dust .

Celestia finally hits the dust

What awaits her on the other side?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-19 23:20:04 UTC

Chapter 1

As she opened her eyes, all Celestia could see was whiteness.

"Am I dead? Is this the after life? Nothingness as far as the eye can see?"

"That's because your face is buried in the cloud," she could hear an old, male voice speak.

As she stood up, she saw that she was standing on an everlasting cloud. The sky was of a deep blue, and in front of her, a golden gate stood up between her and what she knew for certain was Heaven.

Her thoughts were once again cut off by the same voice. "Okay, listen. I'm a busy guy. So if you could just fill this paper right here, we can both be on our way. There's a queue of thousands of souls waiting, so move it."

Turning to face the aggravating voice, what she saw was an old white stallion with a long beard, standing behind a wooden desk.

"I'm guessing you are the famous Saint-Pony. It's an honor to finally meet you. I hope it could have been under better circumstances though..." said Celestia, her voice filled with sadness.

"Yeah, yeah, I heard that more than sixteen billion times already. Literally," said Saint-Pony, clearly frustrated. "Now fill the paper. Name here, occupations here, birth date here, death date here, reason of death there and signature here. And hurry up, my shift ended five minutes ago, and I really want to go home, drink a beer, and watch the hoof ball match."

Filling the paper took her merely three minutes. Once she placed the pencil down on the table, Saint-Pony grabbed the paper and started reading.

"Yeah. Okay... yeah. Nothing wrong here. Wait, what's this? 'Occupations : Goddess of the Sun'?" the old pony eyes widen. "You're a Goddess?" he shouted

"Why yes. Is there something wrong?" asked Celestia, concerned.

"Is there something wrong?! You're a Goddess, you die, you-you...how? What?!" Saint Pony, after calming down, sighed. "This...complicate things. A LOT of things. For you AND me! But still, mostly you."

"I'm sorry to hear that. So what now?"

Pointing at the infinite whiteness, he said "Now, you must go get a certificate that proves your 'godhood'. Just keep walking in that direction, and eventually, you'll see a building with a sign in front that reads : 'God Testing Room'. Just go in and do whatever they do to test if you're a god. I don't bucking know what they do in there, if that's what you were about to ask."

Celestia started walking towards what seemed to be ever lasting nothingness. "Thank you, Saint-Pony."

~~

After trotting for three hours, she finally saw a little brick house standing in the middle of, well, nowhere.

And true to Saint-Pony's words, a sign with the words 'God Testing Room' was placed in front of it.

Knocking on the door, Celestia heard a voice, coming from inside. "State your business."

"My name is Celestia. I'm here to get a certificate which can prove my godhood."

After a few seconds, the door slowly opened, leading to an empty, dark room, if it was not for the table and the lamp placed in the middle of it.

Siting down next to the table, the door closed loudly.

A voice coming from all around her spoke. "I am going to ask you one time. Are you a Goddess?"

"Hum...Yes?" Celestia answered, confused. Suddenly, a paper appeared on the table and the door was open once again.

"Okay then! Here's your certificate, and there's the exit. Thank you for choosing God Testing Room. I wish you a safe trip back!" the voice said cheerfully.

~~

Finally arriving back at the Gates, Celestia gave her certificate to Saint-Pony.

"May I pass the gates now ?"

"Actually, no. I have proof that you're a goddess... but I still need to know the goddess of 'what'."

"I am the Goddess of the Sun." Celestia stated with a proud look on her face.

"Yeah, well, that's good and all, but you need a certificate to prove your claim." Saint-Pony continued, ignoring Celestia's angry expression. "Go in that general direction until you find a hole in the clouds. Just jump down. I'm sure your wings can get you back up when you're done."

"Why must I do all this? Why won't you just let me in!" Celestia yelled.

"Well, if you don't want to do it, you can still just go through that door right there" he pointed at a door labelled 'Tartarus' "You won't have to fill any papers to get in." he finished with a smirk.

Celestia trotted away, clearly mad at so called 'Saint'.

~~

Finally arriving at "the hole in the clouds", Celestia laid her eyes at the bottom, only to see that there was none to be seen.

"You can do this Celestia, remember of your past deeds. You have vanquished many evil creatures... I can do this. I. CAN. DO. THIS!" she shouted running towards the hole, before suddenly stopping.

Her eyes were wet with tears. "I can't do it..." she lamented. Her cries were quickly dried, when she slipped on a banana peel and feel into the hole.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..."

Legends says that her yelling could be heard from one hundred meters or so.

After a minute of free falling, and a few games of tic-tac-toe in her head, Celestia just had a thought. "Wait...why am I not using my wings? I could just..." her thoughts were cut short, as she met the floor with terrible 'SMASH'.

"Argh! My bones! They-they're broken!" she said weakly, failing to stand up.

Lifting her head, she saw that she was in some sort of cave. An angel was sitting in front of her.

"Hey, hey, pretty pony," the angel said while poking her face.

"Please...I need help...I can't feel my legs. I-I think I'm going to die...even though I'm already dead," she finished lamely.

"...You know that feeling when you see somepony, and you fall instantly in love with her? Yeah, me neither!" he fell on the ground, laughing.

Celestia stared at him with a deadpanned expression."Sorry, but that was... not funny."

"Oh? Tough crowd, heh? Okay, let's try this one: A bear broke into our campsite. In was really 'in tents.' "

"..."

Sighing, the angle replied to the silent treatment. "Fine. Let's get to business, miss no-fun-pants."

"...I don't wear pants," Celestia muttered under her breath.

Either ignoring, or not having heard her comment, the peculiar angel continued. "...But first let's heal your wounds."

He placed his hoof on her body, and it began to glow. When the light faded, Celestia felt has good as knew. "Thank you, sir. You saved my un-life. How could I ever repay you?"

"You could laugh at my jokes, for one..." he said under his breath, not thinking that the princess actually heard her.

"Very well..." she cleared her throat. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I am dying in laughter! HAHAHA..."

"Please stop! Your laughter is the worst thing I've ever heard!" the angel cried trying to block the horrifying sound with his hooves. "Stop! Your dept is over! Your dept is over!"

She instantly stopped. "Very well. To the reason of my being here now. I want a certificate that proves that I'm indeed the Goddess of the Sun." she said, just having a brilliant idea to make it simpler. "If I were to not have the certificate, it would be quite funny...I could even laugh..." she trailed off with a wicked smile.

The angel started panicking. "No please! Just take this certificate and go!" With a puff of smoke, the wanted item appeared out of thin air.

"Thank you, kind sir," she said with a friendly smile, before flying off.

~~

Slamming the second certificate on the Saint's desk, a forced smile was glued on her face. "Now that all of the formalities are taken cared of, would you be so kind as to open the golden gates standing at your side?"

"Actually," Saint-Pony said, reading a magazine labelled Equestrian Babes. "You still need to bring me your passports, proving you are hailing from Equestria. This is a pony heaven after all."

Her right eye started twitching uncontrollably. "And pray tell, where could I find such documents, as my belongings stayed down there when I passed away?"

"Do I look like God? Figure it out on your own. You're a big pony." he flipped a page on his magazine.

The princess walked away calmly, and after fading in the distance, a scream filled with the hatred of all of Tartarus was heard.

~~

"I hope this works," Clearly, jumping down from heaven was a risky move, but knowing that it was the only way to get her passports from her room, she didn't really have a choice.

"On the mark of three! One! Two! THREE!"

~~

Throwing the passports in the Saint's face, Celestia was covered with dirt, fire and other gross substances.

"Never...never again," her voice was shaky, and her eyes still teary.

He was laughing his flank off. "Did you...did you seriously went down there to get them? Have you not noticed the machine there?" He pointed to a machine labelled Passport Making Machine, still crying out of laughter, and pounding his desk.

"I-but-I-I..."

"Wooo...you're a funny mare, you know that?" regaining his composure, he announced:

"Congratulation! You're now an official resident of Heaven!"

She was overjoyed: all of her trials and suffering were over. Now she could finally go live her afterlife in peace and quiet, without anyone breaking her-

"Hold your horses, I'm not done. You're now an official resident of Heaven, but you still need a pass to prove you are worthy of passing the door, then you need to bring me documents proving you're royal bloodline, then you-"

She ran, ran towards the door labelled Tartarus. Using her magic to slam it open, she trotted to the edge of the hellish hole and fell in the eternal flames of hell.

Saint-Pony just watched the door for a couple of minutes.

"...I was just kidding with the last part."