B*tchy Beginning

  All righty, first thing’s first around here—I wanna get something straight right now…The fact that I fucking HATE mornings. Oh yes…I hate them with every fiber of my being, and wish they’d burn in the lowest pits of hell.

  So like, you can well imagine that when I’m just sleeping there, not intending on getting up ANYTIME soon…And then suddenly out of fucking nowhere there’s a god damn light in my god damn eyes because someone just HAD to open the god damn blinds next to my god damn bed…I tend to get pretty fucking annoyed with that person. And it’s always the same pony, by the way.

  Seriously, if I could just sleep in until, oh, I dunno…five PM…That’d be entirely cool with me. ‘Cause it’d save me a TON of bullshit for the entire day and hey, then I could just go right back to sleep a few hours later, right? Not even joking when I say, I’d absolutely LOVE to do that. But nope, that’s never gonna happen, because I live with some bitch who insists I wake up at fucking eight in the morning and each day gives me another shitty reason for why she wanted me up at all. God only knows what it would be—it usually differed.

  Hell…I don’t even know why she bothers getting me up at all, considering all I do is purposely make her feel like shit. Like, why would you even want me downstairs with you? What the fuck benefits you to come in here and drag me down there, woman? Oh, and to make it extra annoying, it’s the same dumbass routine every single morning. That day probably wouldn’t be different in the slightest, knowing how uneventful shit was.

  “Sombra….” God, I fucking HATE how soft her voice is. It’s like…Not only can you barely hear her, but it’s like she’s trying too hard to be adorable or something. And it just comes out really fucking annoying and creepy instead. “It’s time to get up…” Yeah, right, fuck off. Generally, I probably mumble something along the lines of that in reply to her, though most of the time it’ll just come out slurred because I’m half asleep. So that’s what I do, and then she’ll sigh and probably next go into her little coaxing mode.

  “Now Sombra, I know it’s a little early…” That was an understatement. “But at the very least, I’d really like you to come downstairs, okay?” What would be her reason today, folks? “Twilight is coming over, and I would really, really like for you to be up and around when she gets here…”

  Oh, God. Fucking Twilight Sparkle. Y’know, I could’ve maybe been a little more convinced to get up if it were that pink retard, but why Twilight? I mean, she’s a nerdy little fuck who basically just nags me to change my habits and whatnot. And she’s obsessed with studying and reading, and I swear to God she must have sex with her books in her spare time. Yeah, I can see her humping some dictionaries while her little dragon pet is sleeping. (She probably fucks him too.) But anyway, I hate Twilight almost as much as I hate Rainbow Dash, and that’s saying a LOT right there ladies and gentlemen. Both of them just bitch at me whenever we come into contact with each other, sooo that’s basically why I avoid them. But naturally, they just HAVE to be friends with the moron I live with, so I see them way more than I’d like to.

  So then in response, I mumbled something about how Twilight would be better off shoving a book up her vagina. Or something along those lines…

  “I know you and Twilight don’t really get along, Sombra…” Another understatement. She also had to go and touch my fucking shoulder all gently and motherly-like. “But please…I want to make sure my friends like you a little…” Whoa, far too late for that. They hate me, I hate them. “If they don’t, then they won’t let you stay with me, remember?” Ugh, she just had to go and pull that card out, didn’t she? Dirty bitch…

  Whatever came out of my mouth next was completely mashed up and slurred to the point that hell, even I didn’t understand it. “Um…I…I’ll even buy you extra cigarettes, okay? I just need you to at least be downstairs…You can watch TV all you want, you don’t even have to say more than two words to Twilight…”

  Wow, seriously? She actually thought that offering me cigarettes and television in exchange for torturing myself by even being in the same ROOM as an asshole like Twilight was going to convince me? I swear to God, the bitch gets dumber every single day.

  So as I naturally do around this point in the routine, I rolled over and pulled the pillow over my head. I also probably mumbled a bit of profanity at her.

  “Please, Sombra?” Fuck it woman, how thick are you?

  And then she sighed again…And you wanna know her next tactic? “Okay, Sombra…” She got all fucking stern and shit. “If you’re going to be difficult…Angel Bunny, could you come up here?” Yeah, she sicks her little fucktard rabbit on me. Like hell if I’ll even describe to you the scene with that little bastard. “Angel”…ha! More like “Demon” in every sense of the word.

  “FINE…FINE…Ugh, fuck it all…” Somehow I groggily managed to sit up, god only knows how. The fucking rabbit was still on my nose, so I ripped it off. The bitch prevented me from throwing it, but whatever.

  “Thank you Angel,” she purred all sickly adorably, petting the damn thing with her hoof and then placing him down. Took a

few moments for her to even focus in my eyes…She is kinda pretty though, as a passing mention. Disgustingly cute but pretty. Long pink hair, nice soft, faded-yellow coat…curves…Yeah, I’d bang that any day.

  …I swear to GOD that her god damn bunny is psychic, because he chose THAT moment to jump back on me. This time I did not even hold back from smacking the fucking monster across the room as hard as I fucking could. “Go to hell, ‘ya little asshole…” That was as much as I could grumble, throwing the covers off of me. Naturally, the bitch hurried to her monster’s side and scooped him up and made sure he was okay or whatever. I didn’t give a damn…

  Anyway…So aside from that, and my moment of nearly falling down the god damn stairs, I somehow ended up sitting there at the table…To which I proceeded to slam my face into the fucking surface of it, resulting in both my groaning of tiredness and the general pain of having just smashed my nose in. Of course at that point, I had my usual morning appearance (since everyone looks especially shitty when they wake up the first thing in the morning). My mane was a mess (or more than usual), obviously I needed to shave (probably wouldn’t), and I really, really need some coffee…And a cigarette…Yeah, definitely needed a cigarette or two.

  Got my coffee first (didn’t need to bother telling her exactly how I wanted it, since she already knew and had made it ahead of time)…Woke up a bit more, then she made food and I ate, blah blah blah, you probably don’t give a single fuck about any of this because it’s boring routine…

  But, like, totally irrelevant to everything, y’know what’s insanely addicting? Watching that bitch walk around. ‘Cause like I said, she’s got curves. And not only that, but the way she moves her hips makes it seem like she’s TRYING to turn you on or something. Oh, but naturally she acts like it’s completely unintentional…Though whether it is on purpose or not, she still succeeds in turning you on anyway….God, she’s such a slut…

  ….Y’know, now that I think about it, you assholes are probably confused as fuck. Since you only know one Sombra, and obviously he doesn’t live with Fluttershit and he certainly doesn’t watch her ass as she walks…Or even live with her at all…Yeah, you’d think all that, right? I ain’t gonna explain the big story about what’s going on, but the general idea is that I’m the same Sombra you’re familiar with…’Cept it’s been a few months since my little ass-kicking at the Crystal Empire and Fluttershit took me in and brought me to full health or whatever. She’s now my bitch…Kinda my slave without necessarily being my slave…Ah, fuck it all, I hate explaining this crap to people.

  But yeah. Things are slightly different from what you assholes are used to, sooo…Moving on with the morning...

  I glanced at the clock. Eight thirty…“So what time is Twishit coming over again?” I took a swig of coffee.

  “Soon…”

  “How soon?”

  “Um…” Fluttershit paused, apparently thinking. Probably wondering what I was getting at. “M-maybe around nine?”

  “Mmh…”

  “Um…W-why do you ask?” Why do I ask? What kind of question is that? I mean, for fuck’s sake, the stutter in her voice told me she already had an idea of why I was asking. I wasn’t watching her ass move for no reason, y’know. The question was whether I could fit some enjoyment into my schedule before Twishit came…It’d help me wake up, in any case…

  …Ehhh, maybe too soon…Too early in the morning…Maybe…

  “Just wondering how long until I have to put up with the purple idiot.” I mumbled.

  “Now Sombra,” Fluttershit sighed. She was acting all relieved and shit. Ha, she was probably disappointed. ”I would really appreciate it if you refrained from insulting my friends…” Her ears drooped. God, she was pathetic. “What did they ever do to you that made you dislike them so much?”

  “You want the long list of reasons or the abridged?”

  “Um…The abridged?”

  “Everything.”

  Fluttershit paused again, apparently trying to understand that or something. Then she shook her head. “But still, nopony deserves to be called the things you call them.” She frowned.

  “You seriously said ‘nopony’ didn’t you?” I groaned, slapping a hoof to my forehead. “Fuck, woman, why do you people use that term? It’s so fucking stupid.”

  “Well, we are ponies…” She mumbled, averting her eyes. Oh, like that’s a reason to go around using ‘pony’ in every word. ‘Everypony,’ ‘Nopony,’ ‘Somepony’, I fucking swear, I’m going to gut the next moron who uses one of those terms.

  “Whatever. Toss me my cigarettes, would you?”

  That she did. Thank God she’s at least useful for that. And as she usually did, she looked like she wanted to tell me not to smoke indoors but apparently decided against it. Good. She was pissing me off enough…

  “D-do you want me to pick up more beer later?” Her voice was particularly annoyingly soft then.

  “Obviously.” I sighed, blowing out cigarette smoke and kicking back in my seat, crossing an arm behind my head. Like seriously, do you even have to bother asking by this point? Honestly?

  “Okay…” At least she doesn’t complain. I hate complaining servants…Still, she could be less of a slut sometimes. Like right then, she ‘accidently’ dropped the towel she was using to wash the dishes, and she just HAD to bend over to pick it up. Like, fuck it woman. First you’re walking all sexily, now you’re giving me a clear view of your ass….Come on…You’re basically asking me to fuck you or something.

  At that point, I groaned again and blew out some more cigarette smoke. “Hey, Fluttershit, why don’t you wear some pants sometime, so that every time you bend over you’re not shoving your pussy in my face?”

  I love her reaction whenever I say shit like that. Her face goes all red and she turns all sheepish and whatnot. It’s fucking hilarious.

  “O-oh….I-I…I-I um…” She hid behind her mane like an adorable little fuck, her ears drooped. “S-sorry…” God she was basically whispering.

  “Not that it’s a BAD thing, persay…” Popped my cig back into my mouth, grinning a bit. “I mean, you have a nice pussy. It’s more the shoving it in my face part…Come to think of it I don’t mind that either.”

  She turned away, clearly trying to hide how much she was blushing. Ah, fuck this was too much fun…Silently, I got up and crept my way to her. I slipped my arms around her and pulled her back, making her squeak like a little dirty mouse caught in a trap…Which, that’s basically what she was.

  “You’re way too fucking cute, you know that?”

  “U-um…S-Sombra…” How I absolutely love making her voice go to that really high-pitched, whisper-like tone.

  “You know, I think we have quite a bit of time before Twishit gets here…” I let my right hoof slip down her body a bit.

  This was when, to my surprise, she gently pulled away. “I-I still have chores to do,” She spoke quickly, but softly, obviously wanting to get away from me. I couldn’t help but snicker. God, she’s so easily embarrassed.

  So, after that, she hurried out. Kinda disappointing that I didn’t get to bang her, but I let her go anyway. She hurried to finish tending to the rest of her dirty little animals (though she’d done most of the indoors ones before I came down, since the dumb things are scared as fuck of me,” and then came back and finished the dishes.

  Eugh…So yeah…uh….I’ll skip straight to Twishit’s visit, then, since nothing really interesting happened up until then. The book-loving bitch came by a little while later.

  And from that point, things kind of went downhill.

  I was just sitting there in my chair, flipping through channels on the television, smoking another cig…And the damn doorbell rings. I kinda thought about yelling to Fluttershit that her dumb “Friend” had come, but I didn’t. I probably hoped the purple maniac would leave…But no; naturally, Fluttershit had to hear the door anyway and come answer it.

  “Hello, Twilight!” It’s always like, super surprising to hear her sound anywhere near that excited and friendly to any creature except one of her animals. Seriously, she’s only like this with the ponies ‘dearest’ to her. And even then, she usually just  a quiet dipshit…Meh, she was probably just relieved that she finally had some company other than me.

  “Hi Fluttershy!” Hey, quick question—can I just rip out Twilight’s vocal cords? Because she sounds way too fucking mature and it bothers me so fucking much. And could she please dye her coat a different color? It’s such a blinding purple…

  Oh, but guess what? It got worse. ‘Cause fuck me over backwards with a drill—guess who apparently decided to come with her and make this even more of a living hell?

  Fluttershit gasped, but it was a mixture between a happy and a horrified gasp. “Oh! Hi Rainbow Dash!”

  “Hey Fluttershy!”

  Yeah, Rainbow Dick. I could already feel myself ready to throw something…I’m pretty sure my groan was completely audible to all three of those pastel little ponies. I heard Twishit sigh.

  “Hi Sombra,” She greeted me as if she were trying to be friendly.

  “Go fuck a book.”

  “Yeah, nice to see you too, Sombitch.” That was Raindick’s little name for me.

  “Go fuck yourself.”

  “Don’t mind Sombra.” Fluttershit was being all sweet and whatever, despite the fact that she knew quite well this visit would end in some sort of bloodshed between Dash and I. “He just got up a little while ago and is a little cranky.” Yeah, ‘cranky’, sure. Then she apparently changed the subject and brought up the usual ‘how are you’ conversations and let her little friends inside. Basically, I just tried to ignore all three of the morons while they settled in with some tea and talked about girly stuff. Like the magic of friendshit or whatever type stuff.

  “How have you and Sombra been, Fluttershy?” Twilight asked, smiling, “It feels like forever since we got together.”

  “Oh, we’ve been very good.” Fluttershit nodded. ‘Good’ was relative. “What about you girls?”

  “I’ve been well.” Twilight sipped from her tea. “Since becoming a princess, things have been a little busier for Spike and I, but not too much different so far.” Oh, right, ‘cause the bitch became a princess not too long ago…yuck.

  “Pretty good,” Dash stated. God if I hated ANYONE’s voice, it was that idiot’s. So high-pitched and arrogant and whatever.

  And that’s the general conversation that went by. Y’know, amazingly, most of the visit was tolerable. Raindick seemed to be ignoring me as much as I was ignoring her…Well, until she decided it’d be her time to be a little cunt.

  “So, Sombitch…” Here we go. The bitch reclined back in her seat, sipping from her cup. “You ever gonna quit smoking? At least cut back?”

  “No.” I made sure my irritation was obvious, but she just pushed on.

  “Oh come on…You should at LEAST cut back.” What a bitch. She has the nerve to tell me how to live MY god damn life? She shrugged. “I mean, you know how bad that stuff is for you?”

  “Don’t care.” I wasn’t gonna waste more than a few words on her at a time.

  “Well, you’re stinking up Fluttershy’s house, in any case…” She gave a stupidly amused snicker. “In more ways than one!”

  “He’s cutting back slowly,” Fluttershit interrupted softly, obviously trying to avoid making this a scene. Like hell it’d work. Once you got Raindick going, there wasn’t any turning back.

  “Oh? So what about bathing?” She grinned in an idiotically smug manner, “Has he taken a shower since 1,000 years ago?”

  “W-well…” Fuck you, Fluttershit. Nice, just go around telling all your friends about my hygiene, right?

  “Seriously though, when’s the last time you bathed?”

  “When was the last time you kept your mouth shut for over thirty seconds?” Couldn’t stop myself from that. She was really fucking annoying.

  And then…then the bitch had the nerve to LAUGH, like this was all a joke. “Oh, don’t be such a sourpuss, Sombra! Lighten up, will ‘ya? I’m just kidding around with you, jeez…” Oh, yeah, ‘kidding around.’ Remember my little advice, Dickhead? GO FUCK YOURSELF. Ugh…fucking cunt…

  “Er…” Twishit intervened, naturally. “So, Fluttershy…”

  A bit of time went from that point, and the visit stayed uneventful…Though thanks to Rainbitch my mood was shot down. I mean, not that I’m usually sunshine and flowers but y’know. I still felt like punching a bitch…Like her…

  “So what about his drinking, then?”

  Yeah, at that point I got up and left the cottage.

**

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**

  Am I a bitch? Maybe. But it’s so worth it if I get to irritate the hay out of Sombitch like that. Seriously, it’s so much fun to get him riled up. Maybe just because he deserves all the crap I give him, for being such an asshole. He gives me shit, I give him shit—we’re even.

  I mean, yeah, it’s dangerous. He could probably try and destroy us all at any second he wanted to. But he isn’t going to, because he’s a lazy jerk who’s just wallowing in depression, taking advantage of everyone, and especially leeching off of Fluttershy.

  So yeah. I’ll take the lectures from Twilight and Applejack and whoever else tries to tell me not to annoy him, as long as I get to annoy him in the first place. Anything to get back at him for how he treats Fluttershy, really.

  “You know, Rainbow, maybe you should be a little more careful about what you say to Sombra…”

  That was the first thing Twilight said to me as soon as we were out of earshot of Fluttershy’s cottage. I expected she’d scold me pretty soon after we left, but THIS soon? I shrugged, in any case, crossing my arms. It was kind of cold that day, but not quite enough for a jacket or even a scarf, really. “Yeah, yeah…” I sighed, “Hate to say it Twi, but you’ve said this a lot already.”

  “I know…” Twilight seemed a bit stressed. “Still…” She glanced over. “I mean, I know he’s very rude and just…very unfriendly…But at the very least we figured out a way to tame his power in some way…”

  “You mean through alcohol and cigarettes?”

  “Well…Yes…” She frowned. “I admit they aren’t good ways to tame his power, but…They work for right now, I suppose, as a way to keep him tame while we try to figure something else out…” They work for right now? Yeah, they were gonna last a while. And by the time we actually try to get him off of those things, he’ll be far too addicted to both. Not to mention, neither had to do with his attitude. How he’d become such a jerk-ish slob compared to the so-called ‘king’ he used to be…I have no idea. I guess he’s just switched from an evil tyrant to a lazy asshole, and decided to change his personality slightly along with that…Or something.

  “Uh-huh.” I rolled my eyes in response to her. “And what about how he treats Fluttershy? He’s one step from being flat-out abusive, y’know.”

  “I…wouldn’t say he’s abusive…” Twilight bit her lip. “Though, yes, he’s awfully close to it.” She sighed. “But I suppose as long as Fluttershy doesn’t have a problem with it…” As long as Fluttershy doesn’t have a problem with it? I’d be willing to bet she had a problem with being called ‘bitch’ every five seconds and having the second part of her name changed to ‘shit’. Twilight continued, rephrasing her words. “As long as Fluttershy isn’t being hurt, we shouldn’t intervene…” I’d also be willing to bet that she’s being hurt. Maybe not physically, but she certainly hasn’t been as happy since Sombra came along; I know that much. It wasn’t like his insults were nonexistent to her…

  “Mmh….” That was all I actually replied with, not really caring to discuss the matter…

  “I’m just saying you should try to not start scenes with him.” Twilight sighed, “For everypony’s sake.”

  “I’ll think about it.” I probably wouldn’t, but whatever.  After that, Twilight and I parted ways. She headed back to Ponyville by the path, and I took off through the skies to the city of Cloudsdale…