Newman's Revenge

by Ikelokelire

Rating: mature
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Comedy
Length: 2824

Ever been sexually assaulted by Windows 8 on Nightmare Night?

Looks like it's that time of year again. The air is chilly, spooky decorations are being hung around the neighborhood, and horses are dressing up in ridiculously stupid shit. And of course, instead of going out and buying a large amount of candy, you decided to spend your entire day shit posting on Yahoo Answer's. Well looks like this decision is going to bite you in the ass buddy because, by the grace of Sun Horse, Windows 8 pony decided to go to your house for candy. And she is DEFINITELY going to get her sweet treat.

Windows8XAnonymous

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-20 00:10:04 UTC

Newman's Revenge

"This way princess! This way!" the very eager scientist motioned, pure excitement on his old and tired face. "I think you are going to completely blown away by what we have accomplished"

"From what I can see, the task set before you and your team didn't give you too much trouble?" joked the princess.

     Though her she still had her usual soft and calm demeanor, underneath it all she was trying desperately to stifle a giggle. She knew the program was an ENORMOUS undertaking, and from seeing papers, upon paper, upon papers strewn every which way, she deduced that this wasn't the most relaxing proposal the team has been given.

Which was why she couldn't help but want to laugh at all the ponies surrounding her, desperate to show her the fruit of their 3-year labor. Their happiness was contagious.

"Oh this project was a living nightmare princess. An absolute torture!" the scientist retorted without even looking back. "But after all those sleepless nights and those early morning calls to....my wife, are finally proving to be all worth it!" the pony said happily, using his horn to magically unlock the room which housed the project.

Celestia rolled her eyes at this. She knew the scientists made it a habit to call a phone sex hotline at least once a day. I mean she did get the phone bill every month. But she wasn't too upset, anything to raise their moral and keep the project underway.

With the last lock falling to the ground, the unicorn scientist turned to the princess

"Princess it is with great happiness that I present to you.." with one last bow, the horse opened the door "WIndows 8!!"

...

Dead silence... Only the unicorn didn't have his mouth completely agape

"What's wrong? Is something the matt---" the pony turned his head to see what astonished everypony else

The room was empty

"No....No that's impossible! It's impossible!!" said the scientist, fighting back tears of frustration and anger

He, along with all the other scientist's immediately rushed into the room to figure out where the OS went

They found her escape route alright, it was a gaping whole near the corner of the room covered by a pile of papers

What they couldn't understand was how the OS managed to accomplish her tunnel in such a short time

Not only that, but the 'project' was also kept under heavy sedation, in order for work to be done on it and to also prepare it for Celestia's audience

The answer would have taken much longer if it wasn't for Celestia's hoof bumping into a strange broken bottle on the floor

"What do we have here?" she said carefully, the bottle hovering closer. "This XJ235....Does it mean anything?"

The head scientist immediately jumped to her side and read the bottle

A small trickle of sweat went done his brow

"XJ236 is what we use to tranquilize any subject used in experimentation" the pony said, as if in a daze, "XJ235 is a special blend of pheremones, estrogen, and potent central nervous system stimulant...With this one being a hyper concentrated solution"

Immediately, Celestia knew not only who drank the solution, but she also knew how the OS was able to excape

I mean, just because she's a princess doesn't mean she never went to some hot college parties

The OS just drank 800 ml of liquid heat. If she didn't die in the first five minutes from overdose, then she would have a burning in her loins that would last for days. And when a mare was in heat, nothing can really stand in her way

Absolutely nothing...

6 DAYS LATER

You've been living in Ponyville for a few months now and as embarrassing as it is to admit it.....You've been having a blast

A hard thing to come to terms with considering not every pony in town is as sweet as they appear to be

Ever been bitched out by a cream colored horse with a candy tattoo on her ass cheek?

Kinda ruins your day

Anyway, a few weeks ago you decided to go during your lunch break and try a small bakery that's apparently really popular with the locals

You must have come at a slow time because not only were you the only customer there, but most of their baked goods were already gone

While you stood by the counter waiting for a hyperactive, pink horse to finish making your panini, the chubby, blue horse at the register began to make small talk with you

"So what are you planning on going as for tomorrow sweetie?"

"Umm, what's happening tomorrow?"

"You don't know? Why it's only one of Equestria's largest holiday!" she said, amazed you were clueless on the matter, "Nightmare Night!"

What? You never heard about that. What the hell man, none of the horses in the office even sent you memo!

You just figured the day off tomorrow was for some kind of horse bank holiday...or Yom Kippur

"Am I supposed to dress up or something?"

"Oh no no, it's just a silly little thing most ponies do to have fun. You may want to consider picking up some candy however" she continued, handing the paper bag with your sandwich to you

"Oh yeah? Why's that?"

"Just a precaution...Unless of course you like spending your weekend cleaning egg-yolks from your windows and picking toilet paper off of your roof"

As soon as you got off work that day, you immediately went to the nearest candy shop and bought a couple bags of sweets

Too bad it wasn't enough Anon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's nightmare night

Your doorbell rings

"Uhoh better get the candy"

Opening the door you hear a chorus of small horses singing in unison

"NIGHTMARE NIGHT! WHAT A FRIGHT! GIVE ME SOMETHING SWEET TO BITE!"

Christ you were running low on candy...better make it last

"one for the vampire, one for the firemare, one for the ninja, and one for the...Newman's Own Ranch Style dressing?"

"It was either this or a costume representing Pendleton Ward's creativity"

"Oh well then I'm happy you chose the more interesting one, here you go little fill-"

Guess you miscalculated the whole candy situation a bit

"Sorry missy looks like im all out of candy"

The filly eyes you.. Nothing but devious and sinful thoughts on her mind

"But its nightmare night sir..."

"I am aware of that little lady but I have no more candy, now I can give you some pocket change or a travel size deodorant but I don't really have anything sweet for you to bite"

By now the filly's friends have moved on to the next house and only the small equine stands at your porch

Her hungry gaze eyes you up and down

You feel uncomfortable knowing you're wearing your Ralph-Lauren crotch-less briefs underneath your exercise pants

"Actually...mister....You do have 'something' I want....and it's definitly something sweet"

The filly says, licking her warm lips

"Uh erm ahh...I think I hear Quad City calling me!"

You quickly try to slam and welcome to the jam the door, but the filly sticks the spout of her ranch dressing bottle costume into the door. Blocking your attempt at a virginity

"Where ya going live wire, don't you wanna help me keep Nightmare Moon away?.... What would she think hmm? It's midnight and we aren't even playing"

Her moan is almost as thick as the ranch she is dressed up to portray

"AHhh I do-don't know ya know.. I gotta go um ahh--"

You knew what had to be done if you wanted to survive this night

"POCKET SAND!!!"

You blast a pocket full of sand at the small horses, forcing her to back up just enough for you to close the door and quickly lock it

"Oh my god that was close..."

Your breathing heavy now, but a sense of relief floods over you

"Thank you jesus I was almost a gonner--"

Turning your head you look towards the window to your left and you see a silhouette of a ranch bottle

All of a sudden the electricity goes out

"Oh shit"

You hear a muffled moan

NOPE NOPE NOPE

Throwing caution to the wind, you run to the window in your living room

"Fuck this better work!"

Using your arms to cover your face you jump through the window. Shards of glass fly every which way, your arms receiving most of the cuts from the breakaway

"See you in hell you over complicated browser!!"

This idea was great, fucking genus dude, there's no way you could've fucked this up

Opening your eyes.....yeah you realize you kinda fucked this up just a wee bit

You live in a condo on the 31st floor

"No! Shit! Piss! Cocksucker! Motherfucker! Tits!"

Whelp this was it Anon, you had a good run, besides everyone has to die eventually

You look towards the sky one last time...Wait a second...That shadow in the night?

It was Princess Luna!!!

"I've got you fair villager!"

Swooping in, she catches you just before you hit the ground, saving you from becoming the star of a 7/10 video on bestgore

"Are you alright!"

"I am now! Thank you so much Princess I'm forever in your debt!"

"No need for such chivalry my dear sir! As your princess it is my duty t--"

Almost immediately the princess of the night stops flying and lands on a cloud

She has her head turned right towards you

And she looks mad as hell

"My princess what's wrong?! What are you looking at----"

And then it hit you

You were almost completely naked

Nothing but balls and boots man

When you bust through the window, the glass must have torn up and ripped off your shitty rags you called clothes

And now you had a half chubby Johnsonville bratwurst laying right on the Princesses bare back

And that was not kosher with her

"So...This was all an elaborate ruse was it not!!? I will make an example of you!"

A bright light begins to envelop you. And before you have time to protest you immediately shut your eyes as a bright light flashes around you

Oh for fucks sake

The bitch sent you to the thermosphere

Shit no oxygen! no...wait you're alright. She must have given you the ability to withstand the extreme temperature and lack of breathable air. Fuck thank god she's at least merciful.....Somewhat

Well this was some night wasn't it Anon? You gave candy to some kids, you got hit on by an underage web browser, you almost hotdogged Princess Luna, and you got sent to space...Overall pretty good for a Friday night

Turning your head you find that you are only a few hundred meters from the....Holy shit it's the god damn IHS!!! The International Horse Station!!!

Hey if you could get over there maybe they'd have some food to spare! And hell! Maybe they had a TV and the complete third season of Fraiser on dvd!

Having a basic knowledge of physics, you remove your boots and, while facing away from the station, you toss them, propelling yourself slowly towards the IHS

It's all gonna work now, everything's coming up Anon

...

Then you saw it

No..

NO

IT COULDN'T BE!!!!!

Floating straight towards you

Was a horse inside a big bottle of Newman's Own ranch

My...GOD

This doesn't even make sense?!? How the hell did this tiny horse get her ass all the way out here!!?

Shit! What do I do!!

...

THE IHS!! THEY CAN HELP ME!!

Turning to face your floating nirvana, you start yelling for help, praying to god that the astronauts and space horses heed your plea and lend you a hand

This yelling goes on for minutes. Precious minutes which you can't really afford to lose too. That pint size sex machine is getting closer and closer every minute

You could practically feel the heat radiating from her Pre-K grade loins

But those fucking queers aren't doing jack shit!

I mean you knew Space Cowboys was a popular movie..But you didn't think that would cause an influx of deaf, senile Astronauts with AARP cards

Then it hit you..

No. One. Can. Hear. You. Scream. In. Space.

.........dang

You didn't even have time to turn around and see how much closer the browser pone was..

The little horn dog was already closing in for insertion

Her destination?...Your hairy asshole

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

See, majoring in pottery and getting a minor in Hebraic studies, you've done your share of kooky and cuh-rayzee things as a young a adult

But getting a rimjob in space by an underage horse....

Ehhh. I mean I guess you can at least scratch it off your bucket list. Not that it really was there to begin with

With your butt cheeks spread wide for not only the IHS to see, but the entire planet as well, you couldn't help but let a single tear fall each time you felt a warm lick navigate your own personal black hole

Oh god this feels fucking weird, how can anyone get off to this

Your face kept contorting as the licking became sloppier

Jesus. You can't help but get the feeling that her rim job is kinda like getting sexually assaulted by a faulty Korean made bidet

Turning your head you see a strange sight, a lone astronaut from the IHS is watching. Everything. With their mouth wide open

Just when you think you couldn't take it any longer, the invasion of your bunker suddenly stops

Your sigh of relief is cut short however...

Floating through space circling the planet at thousands of kilometers an hour...The Ranch bottle has only just begun to play

Using your arm as leverage, the tiny pony maneuvers herself so that shes now in front of you top side down

A prime location for a zero-g blowjob

Might as well strike that from your bucket list too

Your pants drop as the filly yanks them down ever farther

So vicious is her attack, that, try as you might, your pants fall from your legs. Drifting off into the frozen abyss of space

MY RELAXED FIT COLLECTION FOR MEN!!!!!! OLD NAVY ONLY MADE TWENTY OF THEM!!!!!!!

But come on dude..Remember?

No. One. Can. Hear. You. Scream. In. Space.

You let out a sharp breath as you feel the browser pony's lips wrap around your member

Which..Shamefully.. Became a throbbing diamond after the masterfully done rim job

Thinking back, not even Scotty Pippins was that good at the rim

Each descent her warm tongue made on manhood sent a shiver down each side of your body

Feeling you squirm, she takes pleasure in knowing that you are enjoying this much more than you are willing to admit

She gurgles, sending vibrations up and down your shaft

You involuntarily grasp her ranch costume

Eyes shooting open as your breathing begins to race

What the? The hell?

You look towards the IHS

Every available window on the station is crowded with eyes, every single one with an open mouth attached to it

Please....Help me..

Your arm stretched out, a pleading expression on your face

Pleease....Help...ME!!!!!

Fucking retard

No. One. Can. Hear. You. Scream. In. Space.

dumbass

Carefully, you lower your head to see if the small pony is showing any signs of stopping

She isn't

In fact, her head was bobbing up and down so violently that the equine had her eyes shut tight

Droplets of saliva floating all around your crotch

The pressure at this point was...to put it lightly

Incredible

You could practically feel your semen all lining up at your tip, and your scrotum felt as if there was a 20lb. dumb bell hanging from it

This puppy was ready to fire..And god help the poor unfortunate soul who stood within firing range

Blood rising, muscles clenching, your mind goes completely blank

You can't feel anything other than a tingling enveloping your body and a pain surrounding your schlong

Her small, warm tongue grasps you one last time as she raises her head. The wet flesh tugging you for all you got

This was it...Christ this was it

With your teeth gritting, you look down one last time at the frisky little filly that turned your night completely upside down

Opening her eyes slightly, she looks towards you

And she gives you the cutest wink a tiny horse in a Newman's Own Ranch Style Dressing costume can give a man in space

Annnnnnd that's when you blew your load

Grrrrahh! Ahhhggg!!!!!!! SSSSENSATIONAL!!!!

Your load, though a meager 5ml, explodes with such a force that both you and winnie get propelled in opposite directions

One with a look of victory

The other with shame

All the faces on the IHS just look at you

They couldn't see what was happening

They couldn't, feel your shame

And they couldn't hear your scream

Because....

They were listening to Quad City