So Shady

by Railrunner

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 3630

Do ponies really have nougat centers?

Do ponies really have creamy, nougat centers? It's up to Pinkie and the least shady pony she knows to find out.

Written for the "First Lines" prompt of the MLP-WTG, utilizing all three of the lines provided.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-02-23 22:04:01 UTC

So Shady

"What if ponies really -do- have a creamy nougat center?" the pink party pony asked.

“Oh please, Pinkie,” Twilight rolled her eyes with a smirk. “I've told you far too many times, everypony knows that's not possible!”

Pinkie Pie brought herself uncomfortably close to Twilight, who backed away slightly. “How would you know? Have you been to the center of a pony?”

“Uh... No, I can't say I have.”

“Then it's settled. Ponies do have a sweet, tasty, creamy nougat center!” Pinkie triumphantly pumped her hoof.

Twilight threw a hoof against head forehead. “Pinkie, why would the equine body even need a center of nougat?”

“Because science!”

“But I've been arguing that point from the-” the unicorn groaned. “You know what? Nevermind, you win.”

“I knew it, I was right all along!” Pinkie grinned widely, a delicious victory. “Pinkie Pie – 1, Twilight – 0!”

“Yes Pinkie, you're right,” she rolled her eyes, sighing. “What does it even matter though? It's not like you're going to eat anypony, are you?”

“Oh... No, I would never do that...” The pink pony frowned, she hadn't actually thought of that. “I-I wouldn't eat anypony...”

“You alright, Pinkie?”

“Just a little disappointed,” Pinkie Pie shrugged. After seeing the look on Twilight's face, she cracked a smile. “Alrighty then, that's all I was gonna' ask you. Thanks Twi'!” Pinkie bounced towards the door, careful not to knock over anything as she did so.

“No problem.” The unicorn giggled. “Don't eat anypony now!”

“I won't, or I'll try not to!” Pinkie laughed as she exited the library. Upon hearing the door behind her shut, she slowed her bouncing. With a sigh, she decided she'd just walk.

Nopony else was in her sight, as if to further add to the taste of disappointment. Walking back to Sugarcube Corner, she found a pony she'd never seen before. His coat was gray, and his mane was a different shade of gray. He wore two large, slack, gray saddlebags which concealed his cutie mark, and nearly sagged to the ground as he walked. They were also gray.

Pinkie Pie lit up and raced after him. She was surprisingly fast for an earth pony, especially one who ate as many sweets as she did. “Hi there!” she jumped in front of him. “I'm Pinkie Pie, and I-”

“Hey,” he walked past the excited pony.

Pinkie continued, following the expressionless earth pony. “I've never seen you in Ponyville before.”

“Haven't been to Ponyville before. Maybe that's why.”

“So you're new here! Then let me throw you a welcome party a-”

“Don't need it.” He interrupted again. “Don't need the attention either.”

“Oh.” The mare's smile dimmed, as she looked a the ground. She'd been through this situation before, he'd submit eventually. “Well, what's your name?” she asked, this time more quietly.

“They call me Shady,” Shady stopped to adjust his shades. “But I'm totally not shady.”

The pink mare brought a hoof to her chin before bouncing next to the stallion. “I thought you just said you were Shady?”

“Nevermind,” he sighed. “Just call me 'Shady', alright? I'm totally not a shady pony, but I'm Shady.”

“But, you just...” Pinkie lit up once more. “I know! I'll call you, 'Totally-not-shady-Shady', or just 'Shady' for short!”

“There you go,” he smirked.

“So, Shady... Why are you wearing those shades when it's cloudy outside?”

“I don't know, why am I wearing shades when it's cloudy outside?” he chuckled.

Pinkie Pie squealed a little on the inside, she just got to hear a new pony chuckle. A wave of concern hit her when she realized she didn't have an answer to Shady's question. Why was Shady wearing shades when it was cloudy outside? Why? Seating herself on the road, she wracked her brain for answers. By the time she snapped back into reality, Shady was gone. How shady of him.

It's funny, really, how many things can go wrong in just one day.

It was bad enough to be pressured by six clients in this week alone, a few with very high expectations. If they weren't offering so many bits, there would be no way she'd accept the last few. Finding a way to convince Spike to give her a few new gems was easier then expected, but took plenty of dreadful hours waiting for him to dig them up. Then came that spoiled pink filly with her equally obnoxious friend who insisted on spending an exorbitant amount of time on deciding what to purchase.

Finally, there was Sweetie Belle, just finding any way she could to make life harder. Rarity had come to terms with the way her sister was since the Sisterhooves Social, but the filly never ceased to surprise her. There was always another way that she could unintentionally make Rarity miserable.

Time was of essence. Rarity had skipped breakfast to make way for making plenty of new dresses. Her sister had offered to make it for her, but she knew better than to let her. To accept these deals on such a short notice could be seen at a bad idea, but the ridiculous amount of trouble would pay out in the end.

The sound of a door opening stole Rarity's attention from the sewing machine. “Coming!” she said, leaving her work room.

“Hi Rarity!”

“Oh, Pinkie Pie, so wonderful to see you!” Rarity faked a smile. “What do you need?”

“Was just going to ask you a question, if you don't mind.” Pinkie said. Her eyes quickly shot open as the thought came to her. She told Twilight that she'd never eat somepony's nougat center, but she never promised, let alone Pinkie Pie promised.

“Of course, ask away!” The unicorn closed her eyes.

If she were to eat Rarity right now, it would be all that, but enclosed by the softest marshmallow ever. She could taste it, the hazelnuts, the pistachios, the honey, all drawn together by a dangerously high amount of sugar...

“Pinkie Pie!” Rarity shrieked. “You're drooling, on my carpet of all places!”

She shook her head vigorously. “I'm sorry Rarity, it was just so delicious!”

The unicorn sighed. “Pinkie, you know I don't have time for this, what did you come here for?”

“I-I was going to ask if...” She looked down. “There's a new pony in town wearing shades, but it's cloudy.”

“Ugh!” The pink mare stepped back from Rarity, who was heading back into her work room. “I have dresses to make, plenty of them! I'm sorry Pinkie, but I really don't have time for this. I'll see you some other time.”

“Wait!” Pinkie threw herself in front of Rarity. “I can help you!”

The unicorn shook her head. “Please Pinkie Pie, you don't have to do anything.”

“But I can make things easy, fun I always do!” her voice faltered.

“This is serious Pinkie. There is always time for fun, but work comes first.”

Pinkie Pie opened her mouth, but held back her words, they wouldn't help. If it were anypony else, she would be on them at the second for saying that. “I understand,” she sighed.

“Thank you, Pinkie, I just have a lot to do, and I'd appreciate some time alone.” Rarity nervously smiled. “I'll see you sometime soon?”

“Of course, I'll just... get out of your mane then.” Pinkie Pie turned to leave. She didn't get an answer, only more questions. She did get two things though: A newfound hunger for ponies, and a wicked bad tummy-ache.

Shady shyly shook his shades beneath the shade of a Shortleaf Pine tree. A shabby place to rest, but he preferred the shadow, sharing his peace with a shadbird who had shot into the tree, away from the shining sun. Amongst the shrubs did Shady shrink into comfort, shuffling around to carelessly caress the ground.

How long had he been there? Too long, perhaps. He just needed a place to rest after carrying around all his “goods”. Then it came to him. The shrill squealing he had heard prior to that moment. “Shady, there you are!” she said.

“By Celestia, not this again...” he muttered to himself. “Hey, what do you want, Purple Pan?”

“It's actually Pinkie Pie,” she said. “I wanted to ask about the shades!”

“What?” he tilted his head. “What about them?”

Pinkie Pie sighed. “Why are you wearing them if it's cloudy?”

“You're kidding, right?”

Another sigh escaped her mouth. “No.”

“Alright then,” the stallion rolled his eyes. “What other questions do you have? Are they anything like what you just asked?”

“Do ponies have creamy nougat centers?” she looked down, closing her eyes.

“I don't even know what to say...” he shrugged. “No, no they don't.”

“But how? How can you be so certain?” A tear escaped her quivering eyes. “My friend, Twilight... She says it's not true, but I...”

“Open a pony up, anypony, you're not gonna' find any nougat in there.”

“That's it!” her smile returned to her. Pinkie's hair lifted itself up slightly. “That's how I can prove Twilight wrong!”

Shady raised an eyebrow. “Wait, what? You talking about uh... Actually opening a pony up?”

“Exactly! Now, I just need to know how to do that...” Pinkie brought a hoof to her chin. A moment of silence passed, as she stood oblivious to her surroundings.

Shady offered a quizzical look, but didn't receive a response. He breathed a heavy sigh, tapping his hoof against the ground. Looking around, he got up to his hooves, and approached Pinkie. He brought himself closer, and then whispered, “I-I'm pretty tight on bits... I could help with that.”

“You mean you could help me open a pony up? Really?” she nearly screamed with excitement.

Shady rolled his eyes. “Great, why don't you just tell everypony?”

“Oh, of course! I'll get on it right now!” Pinkie turned around. “Hey ever-”

“No!” he yanked the mare closer to him. “What is wrong with you?”

“My parents told me a lot of things were wrong with me!”

“You're not actually supposed to tell anypony!” he whispered. Shaking his head, he spoke more calmly. “Look, how 'bout we just keep it a secret, alright? Just between you and I.”

“Oh, I'm good at those!” Pinkie followed through with the hand motions. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”

The gray pony let out a smile. “Uhh, that's good enough. Alright, so you'll have to retrieve whoever you want me to, 'open up' first. You got that?” he quickly regretted asking. “Wait, nevermind. I shouldn't have asked, you clearly don't.” Pinkie Pie frowned. “Here, take these.” He opened up his huge saddlebag and pulled out a small vial of transparent liquid, as well as an old rag.

"What were they thinking? It ruined the whole series!" Twilight angrily glared at the book beneath her. The third volume of “The Lusty Argoneighan Maid” didn't even come close to living up to her expectations. Her room was only lit by the dim glow of the moon, and a few exquisite candles placed throughout the room. Spike was fast asleep, and he likely wouldn't be waking up. No interruptions, only her, and possibly the most crudely written but intriguing books ever.

She could hear knocking coming from the floor below. “We're closed, sorry. Come back tomorrow!” she yelled.

“Twilight, it's me, Pinkie Pie!”

“Ugh, Pinkie! What are you doing here, at this time?” she asked.

“Just let me in!”

“Ugh.” Twilight magically closed her book shut, and wiped a moist hoof on her bedsheet. “Fine, hold on Pinkie.”

Pinkie was delighted to see the door open, revealing the interior of the library. It was dark outside, 20 minutes to midnight, just enough wiggle-room to be on time for Totally-not-shady-Shady. She entered,  tiny saddlebag brushing against her as she walked. “Thanks for letting me in, Twilight!”

The unicorn sighed. “Pinkie, it's almost midnight.”

“I know, that's why I came here,” she grinned. “I just wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Just to talk? Didn't it occur to you that you could come here earlier?”

The pink mare took some time to herself before responding as Twilight tapped her hoof impatiently. “Nope, not at all!”

“Fine, what is it?” Twilight asked.

Pinkie inhaled deeply, throwing words out of her mouth faster than most ponies could comprehend, “You never actually opened anypony up and don't know what the actual inside of a pony looks like. It'd be full of nougat with hazelnuts and honey and sugar and sugar and sugar and diabetes and sugar and sugar an-”

“Pinkie Pie!” Twilight angrily bellowed. “We've been through this plenty of times, just give it up! Why would you have to interrupt my plans for tonight with this question?”

“Oh...” Pinkie calmed down, before lifting her head to Twilight again. “Well, what were you doing tonight that's so important?”

“I-I'm...” she blushed intensely. “It's none of your business! Just, stop bothering me with that question, okay? Ponies don't have nougat centers!”

Pinkie Pie looked down. “I-I know,” she sighed. “But I just can't help get excited at the thought,” she looked at Twilight, as if to ask for her understanding. The unicorn only nodded, still slightly annoyed. “I even thought of eating... eating Rarity. It'd be so tasty, but I'd never do it. Not to her, to you, or any of my friends.”

“Pinkie?”

She sniffled. “I'm a horrible pony. You girls shouldn't even be my friends!” Her hair started to straighten ever so slightly, just enough to be noticed by Twilight. The earth pony struggled to hold back the tears in her eyes, closing them as to not let any out. “I-I don't deserve any of you...”

Twilight was quick to rush up and hug her. “No please, Pinkie. I think you're a wonderful pony.”

“Y-You think so, Twi'?” she sniffled once more.

“Of course I do. What's there not to like about you?”

Pinkie buried her face into Twilight, grinning maliciously as she did so. “So you'll... you'll still be my friend?”

“Yes, Pinkie,” she tightened her grip on her. “We all will, no matter what.”

The pink mare struggled to hold in her laughter. Her mane puffed up slightly, brushing against Twilight's face. “One more question...”

“Of course, what is it Pinkie?”

Pinkie Pie quickly dug a hoof into the tiny saddlebag Shady gave her. Just as he said, she grabbed onto the rag she wet. In a swift movement, her hoof pressed against Twilight's face. The unicorn struggled, eyes widening. “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

Her body went limp, as Pinkie Pie gently set her onto the ground. Observing her surroundings, Pinkie sighed, assuming that Spike must have still been sleeping. She brought herself to Twilight's side, lifting her up slightly, and pulling the Twilight up so her head was under the mare's body. The unicorn was quickly brought onto Pinkie's shoulders.

Walking out onto the streets, Pinkie was for once, glad to see nopony around. A couple minutes of walking, and she was out carrying Twilight through the slums of Ponyville. The wind sharply blew into the two mares, causing Twilight to twitch slightly. Pinkie Pie stopped for a bit, checking to see if she woke up. She sighed in relief once more, and continued walking.

The building was in sight now, and she approached the door, walls coated with grime. Pinkie knocked twice with her hoof, waited, and knocked three times. She could hear the lock being undone, and the door opened up to reveal the surprised figure of Shady. “Exactly midnight, how do you do that?”

“I'm good at a lot of things, Totally-not-shady-Shady!” Pinkie winked.

“If you're telling the truth, I could find a ton of use in you. Come on in,” he motioned with a hoof. His gray figure conformed with the atmosphere he lived in. A gray place, worn and uninviting. There were articles of clothing, bags of what appeared to be sugar, and various other items scattered all throughout the floor. “Follow me,” he lead on.

Opening a door, Shady walked down the stairs into his basement. Pinkie followed, being careful not to drop Twilight down a flight of stairs. In the center of the room, she could see a white table, surrounded by messy and most probably unmaintained medical equipment.

“Now, I don't have a medical license, but you can trust me,” he shrugged. “Put her down on the table.” Pinkie obliged and did so. “So like, do you just want me to open her up and give you a good look? That all?”

Pinkie nodded politely. “Shady, why does this place look so... so shady?”

Shady chuckled briefly, whispering into Pinkie's ear. “Because I totally am shady.”

“Well that changes everything!” Pinkie shouted in surprise.

The gray pony shook his head, still grinning. “Yeah, don't tell nopony about it, though!”

“A-Alright.” Pinkie bit her lip.

He turned to the mare, expressionless. “So before we start... Where's the bits?”

“I-I don't have any. You said you take organs too, right?”

“Yep, that I do.”

“You can have her kidney!” Pinkie closed her eyes and shouted.

“Kidney?” Shady asked. “How about we make that... kidneys?”

Pinkie Pie crossed her forelegs. “No deal, just one kidney.”

“Two, take it or leave it.”

“Three kidneys.”

“I would if it were possible. Two kidneys.”

“One and a half kidneys.”

“Wait, what?” Shady asked. “Ugh, fine. I'll take it. One and a half kidneys it is.” He grabbed a totally not rusty scalpel brought himself closer to Twilight, asleep on the cold table.

“Doctor, are you sure this will work?” Pinkie asked.

Shady grinned and shook his head, “I have no idea!” He brought the dollar-store scalpel to Twilight's abdomen, offering a totally not sloppy incision. A bit more work with his hooves, and the inside of Twilight's body was in clear view. His mouth dropped in amazement. “I... I didn't know it was true.”

“Yes!” Pinkie jumped high into the air, nearly hitting her head against the ceiling. “Yes! Yes! I was right all along!” It was true, all ponies did have a creamy nougat center. Pinkie pushed Shady aside, still too shocked to say anything more. Bringing her mouth to Twilight's hole, she greedily lapped all the fluids she could in pure ecstasy. She plunged her face in as deep as she could, licking vigorously.

First, it was Twilight Sparkle, tastier than she could ever imagine. Then it would be Fluttershy, so soft, so fragile. Dashie would be next in line, and then Applejack. Finally, she'd savor Rarity, an amazing, nougat-filled marshmallow. Everything felt so right, so perfect. At least, it was that way until she noticed something wasn't right.

She wasn't tasting nougat. Nope, no honey, no hazelnuts, no pistachios, almonds, and certainly no progress towards a heart-attack. What she really tasted, was tears, shame, and pure pain. Pinkie quickly recoiled in agony, teeth like knives, and a tongue which felt like it would fall off any second.

“Pinkie Pie!” she could hear Twilight's voice scream. “How could you even think of doing this?”

The pink mare turned around. “Twilight, what are you...” Swinging back around, she could see that the table was now vacant, white surface reflecting the dim light above.

“Woah, how'd you do that?” Shady asked, walking up to Twilight.

“Magic, you dolt!” she backhoofed the shady gray stallion. “Pinkie, you have a lot to explain. Go.”

The mare opened her mouth, but then sank to her rear, looking down. “I'm so sorry Twilight! I just couldn't resist. Everypony said I was wrong, but...”

“That's not an excuse, you would have killed me!”

“I know Twilight. This is Pinkie's fault,” she weeped.

Twilight groaned. “I can't believe you'd this. Where'd you even get the idea?”

“I was just so sad that nopony believed me. I-I guess that I really was wrong, but it was still so painful,” Pinkie cried. “But Twilight, I never promised to you that I wouldn't eat anypony. I only said I'd try not to.” Twilight gave her a stern look. “I'll make things right though, for you, for everypony! Even if they don't want to be my friends anymore...”

Pinkie inhaled deeply, this was her last chance if ponies really did happen to be filled with anything tasty. Her friends mattered more, though. Out of every candy, or every pastry, friendship was the sweetest. “Cross my heart and hope to fly...” she waved her hooves around. “Stick a cupcake in my eye.”

“Thank you Pinkie, and I'll still be your friend.” Twilight pulled Pinkie in for a hug. “Let's get out of here,” she turned to the stallion, weirded out of his mind, snarling, “As for you, we're going to be taking you to Mayor Mare. She knows what to do with criminal scum like you.”

“No, you're not taking me there!” He threw himself at the unicorn, who quickly used her magic to slam him against a wall.

“Pinkie, I know things can be hard for you, especially with the way you think, but you just have to bear with us.” Twilight said, looking directly into her blue eyes. “I'll be your friend. Things happen, and I'm willing to forgive, even for what you did. I'll get over it.” Twilight sighed. “Are you gonna be okay?”

“Yes, Twilight. I'll be fine.” Pinkie smiled. “I just have to thank you for your patience. I'm... I'm more than glad to have a friend like you.”

“Great, let's get this taken care of then.” Twilight nodded. Her plans for tonight were clear. First, haul that criminal scum to jail. Second, take Pinkie Pie for a ride on the “Pain City Tour Bus” before departing. Lastly, go back home and finish up that special book.