Hitmane: Agent 3.14

by Sayer

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity, Cheerilee, Random, Pinkie Pie, Crossover
Length: 6225

Parody of the Hitman games with Pinkie Pie playing pranks via contracts.

Hitmane is the most famous prankster of Ponville, a legend. Somepony capable of pulling off the most contrived and impressive pranks in the blink of an eye and always two steps ahead of the police thanks to her bizarre disguises, deemed too weird and crazy to be considered true.

Her pranks always succeeded in making fun of her victims, but her services weren't cheap. Agent 3.14 always asked for the same two things: A lot of bits, and some candies.

Takes place during Rainbow in the Dark.
Edited and revised by Kalash93
Now in Tv Tropes!

Published 2013-08-18 00:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-18 00:50:03 UTC

Hitmane: Agent 3.14

Hitmane: Agent 3.14

The mysterious Hitmane strikes again!

“Many ponies have fallen prey to a mysterious prankster only known as ‘Hitmane’. The police have tried their best effort to protect the citizens, but this mysterious criminal has managed to elude them every time. The only consolation is that the prankster never endangered the victims’ lives, no matter how weird or contrived the pranks are, but that doesn’t help to ease the villagers’ paranoia.”

Pinkie Pie stopped reading the newspaper and left it atop her desk before opening a drawer and extracting a boxcutter from inside. She proceeded to cut out the article. Next, she took out a small album from under her bed and attached it to the small square of space left in the page. She’d been collecting the articles since the start of her career as a professional prankster, although she had to admit that she never expected to become so famous so fast.

Pinkie Pie closed the scrapbook and hid it under her bed again before leaving Sugarcube Corner for a walk. She strolled aimlessly, arriving at a small field of grass where she found Brownie, lying down and looking at the sky.

She approached him, soon casting her shadow over him. “Hi, Brownie! What are you doing here? Are you taking a break from your work? Or maybe you’re waiting for somepony? Oh, oh, can I wait too? Is it somepony I know?”

“Yeah, I’m waiting for somepony.” As soon as he finished talking, a rainbow blur passed by, dashing through the sky. “Look, there she goes!”

Pinkie Pie quickly lay down on the grass, adopting the same position as Brownie. “Oh, oh, and what are we going to do? Are we going to watch her as she flies? Or maybe it’s a competition to see who lasts longest without doing anything?”

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I love to see how she flies through the sky. Her tricks, acrobatics, speed… It’s just so great that I could stay here my entire life, watching her as she rides the wind.”

“I know, right? She’s so fast and cool and amazing, and...!” Her right leg shivered a bit. It was her Pinkie Sense, warning her that a new contract had been created for Agent 3.14.

Pinkie Pie quickly ran back through Ponyville, running around corners and avoiding all kind of obstacles, as she avoided everypony who got in her way and circled around the market stalls. Anypony else in her situation would have raised suspicion, but being Pinkie Pie had its advantages. Her intuition led her to an alley between Blueberry Avenue and Strawberry Square. The informant hadn’t arrived yet, leaving her with enough time to don a disguise; luckily, she kept a several cached all over town for emergencies.

Inside the alley, she found a container, a few trash cans that looked like they hadn’t been emptied in years and an old and rusty ponyhole. Pinkie Pie quickly opened the sewer cover and jumped inside, exiting a few seconds later wearing a ninja outfit; this was the usual procedure for their contracts, as it would prevent the informant blowing her cover. One couldn’t be too sure with the police and the competition out there.

A unicorn wearing a balaclava and a full body suit appeared from nowhere with a flash of light typical of basic teleportation spells. He asked, “Do you have a chimicherry?”

Pinkie Pie recited the other half of the password. “No, but I have a pickleberry.”

“Correct,” The unicorn replied as he delivered a scroll to Pinkie Pie. “Here’s your contract, agent 3.14159265358979323846264—”

She laughed. “Just call me 3.14, silly.”

The unicorn stuttered, “W-well, uuuumm, of course, Agent 3.14.” Clearing his throat, he continued, “We have three different objectives; we trust that you will handle them without problem.”

“Don’t worry, I know the best course of action.”

The mysterious pony disappeared without a trace in another flash of blinding light, as if he had never even been there. Pinkie Pie took this chance to look at her targets. All of them were ponies she knew—ponies she had befriended, established bonds and even held birthday parties. She didn’t always enjoy her job, but at the same time, she didn’t hate it; it took her years of pranks to balance her emotions and feelings when there was a contract on her hooves. She shooed away those thoughts and looked at the first name on her list: Mrs. Cheerilee, from Ponyville’s Elementary School.

Ponyville Elementary School - 10:19

It didn’t take her long to arrive at her destination. Infiltrating a school was easier than stealing candy from a filly, although she would never do that; that was far too cruel. And it was harder than one would think because babies are good at not letting go of things and making a lot of noise. Her contract never specified what kind of prank she had to pull on her victims, which allowed her to try original and groundbreaking methods. Pinkie examined the building trying to find the best place to infiltrate without being caught. She decided against entering through the front door. Her ninja disguise attracted too much attention there, and her closest disguise stash only contained fruit-themed camouflage.

The front door was unlocked, and a quick look inside revealed that the hallways were empty. Thankfully, everypony was in their classrooms. Well, everypony except the janitor, whom Pinkie Pie knew; after all, she had thrown his birthday party exactly eighty-two days ago. The janitor was an old unicorn with a yellow coat, red mane and a very thick beard. His blue uniform was tattered and full of holes after so many years of use. Avoiding him would be difficult, but not impossible; the time had come for Plan P.

“Good morning,” Pinkie Pie said as she walked by.

“Good morning,” the janitor replied without raising his eyes from the floor.

Pinkie Pie smiled to herself, proud of how she managed to bypass the first obstacle. Her next objective would be to find a disguise to blend within the building, and from there, find a way to play a prank on Mrs. Cheerilee. The pink mare continued her mission by sneaking inside the air ducts, in hopes of eavesdropping on an important conversation that could aid her. She was guided by her Pinkie Sense through the maze of ducts and steel corridors, finally reaching a grille at the teacher’s lounge.

The old teacher’s lounge was now empty and contained a table with a few benches, a small kitchen section that included a coffee machine, and a window pointing to the schoolyard so they could watch over the foals as they took a break. But none of that mattered to Pinkie. She noticed a magic aura emanating from the school bell; it had been enchanted to maintain a tight schedule, and it was a pretty basic one, but it’s not like the students had the required knowledge or skills to manipulate it.

She exited the ducts and went back to the hallway, searching for any items she could find to make a disguise and avoid being caught inside the teachers’ lounge. After a visit to the laboratory and the auditorium, she collected the materials needed to blend within the school; well, at least what fitted her own idea of “blending in” with the crowd.

“This disguise is perfect. Nopony will ever suspect anything,” Pinkie Pie muttered to herself as she walked down the halls. Somehow, the pink mare had come to the conclusion that disguising herself as Einstein would make her invisible inside a school; a white wig, a fake mustache, and an old lab coat prevent anypony from discovering her true identity. Their attention was instead focused on her mouth, from which her tongue hung like a toffee candy. One thing’s was for sure: nopony recognized her under such a weird disguise. The students inside the classrooms that saw her, watched as she went by, they were completely baffled, but at the same time too stunned to do or say anything except a few select ones.

Pipsqueak couldn’t believe his eyes. “Did you just see what I saw?” he asked to Rumble, his face struck with a dumbfounded expression.

“You mean a pink pony with a paper-mâché scientist head and her tongue out?” he replied.

“Yeah...”

Rumble gulped. “Let's both pretend we didn't see that.” Both foals silently nodded their heads and continued with their worksheets before Mrs. Cheerilee punished them for talking in class.

Agent 3.14 took this chance to enter the teacher’s lounge, where the school bell controls remained safely hidden away from the students. Any attempts to disturb it would prove futile unless she used magic, and only unicorns could do that. But then again, she was not a normal earth pony. She extracted a magic wand from one of her pockets and pointed it against the magic aura.

Pinkie rubbed at her chin, but her hoof merely struck the rigid, stupidly oversized mark, causing it to disjointedly shake like it had a mind of its own. “Let’s see… Wingardium Leviosa!” she exclaimed. Nothing happened. “Oh right, that’s the spell for levitation.” She gestured with her wand again, this time using a different spell. “Expelliarmus!” Still nothing. “Confundus?”

The magic aura shifted its colors and shape, as if trying to fight back against her “spell”, only to return back to its original state, as if nothing happened. Pinkie started to doubt she’d accomplished anything, when the bell suddenly started to ring as if it was tied to a hyperactive cow dancing a ballet on a trampoline, only to stop a few seconds later. She looked at the clock; 10:27. Not on the normal bell schedule.

“Mission accomplished…” she muttered to herself. She took this opportunity to make her escape and avoid being caught messing with the controls by Mrs. Cheerilee; after all, she was the only teacher in the entire building, and she would notice if there was a new teacher in her school. Somehow, only those groups she disguised herself as would recognize her, but as long as she managed to avoid them, she would be fine.

Ponyville’s Elementary School - 11:35

“Today, I’m going to teach you about the metric system. The metric system is used everywhere but Appleoosia, Mustangia, and, Chechneya. They use imperial units, which they call standard – we’ll talk about those next week. Please, open your books to page sixty-seven and-” RIRIRIRRRNIGIRING! She jumped, started. “What’s going on? The bell shouldn’t start ringing until the next hour.”

“What was that, teacher?” one of the fillies asked.

Cheerilee gave a slightly forced smile. “Oh, it’s probably nothing. They must be testing the bell system. Now, as I said, let’s open the books by the page - RIRIRIRRRRINNIRIIRRRINRING!

The class soon started to whisper to each other, wondering what in Tartarus was going on. After a few more rings, the little ponies started to leave the classroom one by one as their teacher tried to stop them, having to exit the classroom and bring them inside. As the bell continued with this frenzied new routine, more and more students joined the rest of the “fugitives”, up to the point that Mrs. Cheerilee finally lost her patience and gave up on her efforts to maintain order. It didn’t take too long for Ponyville to receive the last news of another prank executed by the infamous Hitmane.

Ponyville Market - 8:47 A.M.

The next morning, Pinkie Pie visited the market, like she always did, trying to find the kiosk. She always had a bit of trouble finding it since the layout of the market always changed and shifted every day; it was unusual for somepony to keep the same place two days in a row. Pinkie Pie quickly recognized the kiosk, going towards. The kiosk was an old, blue tent with all kind of magazines, newspapers and comics hanging from the “walls”.

The pony inside was Ace Magazine, a blue earth pony stallion a newspaper Cutie Mark. From what she knew, he always wanted to work in journalism, but the only places he could work were too far from Ponyville for his liking, so he instead chose to start his own kiosk. As of now, it’d become a very successful business.

“Hi, Ace. How's it going?” the pink mare asked.

“Well, if it isn’t my favorite customer!” Ace replied with a vigorous nod that sent his shaggy, white mane everywhere. “It’s going well. I keep selling more newspapers than I can even handle, thanks to that mysterious Hitmane. Oh yeah, that reminds me of this.” Ace crouched down and delivered a newspaper to Pinkie Pie. “I saved this one for my best client, as always,” he replied with a wink of his orange eyes.

“Thanks. Have a nice day.” And with that, the pink mare went back to Sugarcube Corner, and once inside, made a beeline for her room, anxious to read about her last contract. She flipped the pages quickly, one after another, stopping at the “Local News” section.

Mysterious prankster strikes again!

The police investigation into the bell problems that caused the early closing of Ponyville Elementary School last week has determine that the schedule spell had been tampered with, but the traces of magic left at the crime scene belonged to none of the ponies present during the incident. A few eyewitnesses claimed to have watched a pony with a strong resemblance to Einstein walking down the hallways, but these claims have been dismissed as a group of ponies trying to receive some attention from the local media. The prankster is still at large, and the police ask for the citizens’ collaboration to stop this wave of pranks.

Pinkie Pie took the article and placed it among the rest, proud of another contract fulfilled. She crossed out the first name of her list before focusing on the one below: Rarity. This prank would require patience, preparations, a tuxedo and a few drawings. Oh yes, this would be a great prank.

Brownie’s house - 16:27

Brownie was a local artist; in fact, he was the only one in the entire town. Everypony knew about him since he started to work in Mecha’s garage, doing the paint jobs for carriages. Mecha was probably his best friend, besides Pinkie Pie, of course, and some rumors circulated around the town about being lovers. Besides, he was much more interested in Rainbow Dash, but that didn’t matter now.

Pinkie Pie enjoyed watching as Brownie worked on his drawings. Earth ponies always used their mouths to write, draw, and such, but Brownie always used his right hoof; she’d never seen an Earth pony use his hoof to hold a pencil. The brown stallion gave a bunch of drawings to Pinkie Pie with an expression of curiosity and disbelief.

“Alright, here’s what you asked me for,” he said. “I don’t usually ask, but this is the first time somepony ever asked me to draw something like this, so… What do you need it for?”

“Well, duh! I need them because I’m going to disguise myself as Slendermane and play a prank on somepony,” she replied.

Brownie seemed gave her a hard look for a few moments, but then he simply shrugged. After all, this was Pinkie Pie. “Well, enjoy them. Call me again if you need something else.”

“Oki doki lokie - Thanks!” Before Brownie could even reply, Pinkie Pie had already left him coughing in a cloud of dust as she sped off to start the next part of her plan, searching for Sweetie Belle. Her first try was the boutique; after all, Rarity always used her sister to open the door and handle the business mail.

Carousel Boutique - 16:32

The pink mare knocked a few times on the door, waiting for Sweetie Belle to open; a few seconds later, the small filly responded to her call and opened the door, standing on the other side of the entrance.

“Hello Pinkie,” she said. “Are you here to see my sister?”

“No, thanks. I wanted to warn you about something terrible,” Pinkie Pie replied. “There’ve been rumors about Slendermane roaming the forest, and some even claim that he’s been seen in Ponyville!”

“Slenderwho?” Sweetie Belle asked, not understanding what the pink pony was talking about.

Pinkie gasped exaggeratedly, “Oh my gosh! You don’t know anything about Slendermane? The tall, faceless pony wearing a tuxedo with the white coat and no face!? The monster that loves to steal expensive dresses and always leaves notes to his victims wherever he attacks?”

“It’s the first time I ever heard of that story,” Sweetie Belle replied. “Don’t tell me you believe in those scary stories, like the clown that devours candy or the ‘humans’ Lyra always talks about.” Pinkie Pie had an habit of believing all the stories she was told, no matter how silly or implausible; but Sweetie Belle, unlike her, had some sense of skepticism.

“Oh, come on. Don’t you trust your auntie Pinkie Pie?” she asked.

“You’re not my aunt,” Sweetie Belle replied completely deadpan. ”Do you have anything else to say, or is that all?”

“Nah, that’s everything. But don’t complain later if Slendermane appears and steals all your clothes!” she suddenly exclaimed before heading off.

“I don’t even wear clothes…” Sweetie Belle mumbled before going back inside the boutique. She didn’t believe Pinkie’s story about Slendermane, but that gave her an idea for her next reunion with the Cutie mark Crusaders: A ghost hunter Cutie Mark! They hadn’t tried that yet.

As she thought about her plans for a new Cutie Mark crusade, Rarity appeared from the upper floor, descending the stairs as gracefully as a princess. “Sweetie Belle, did somepony knock on the door?”

“Yeah. Pinkie Pie wanted to tell me about some weird creature called Slendermane that steals clothes and leaves notes for his victims or something like that being seen around Ponyville. She always says crazy stuff, but I got an idea: Cutie Mark Crusaders – ghost hunters!” She excitedly squeaked that last line.

“Slendermane? Oh, Pinkie, what craziness is this?” She recalled the times when Pinkie Pie warned everypony about pixies that loved to steal socks, or about a troll living under the bridge.

“Well, seeya later, sister! I’m gonna find Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. We’re gonna be Cutie Mark Cusaders ghostbusters!” And with those words, Sweetie Belle quickly left the boutique in search of her friends.

The while unicorn smiled and thought, “To be young again…” The white unicorn went back to work, levitating one of her mannequins on top of her pedestal, placed amongst a circle of mirrors so she could admire her work from every possible angle. While she was busy working on her new dress, Pinkie Pie observed her from outside, looking at her work through the window.

“Time to get started,” Pinkie Pie thought to herself before circling around the boutique, looking for a window she could use to enter without being seen by anypony. Luckily, there was a window open on the top floor. But how would she reach up there? “Let’s see… I remember I had a ladder around here for emergencies,” she said to herself before starting her search inside a bush, discarding the different items she pulled out. “Jetpack, grapple gun, pogo stick, super spring, rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle… Here it is!” she exclaimed as she pulled out an inflatable bouncy castle.

The pink pony drew in a great breath, sucking in so much air that she swelled up like a pink, quadruped balloon, causing her to float just off the ground. Pinkie pinched her mouth shut. Then, she put her lips on the air plug and released. As the air rushed from her lungs and into the castle, she visibly deflated with a slight hiss and a squeaky whine. Panting, Pinkie Pie released the air plug with a small sputtering noise that made her giggle as she capped the now fully-inflated castle. The pink pony didn’t wait a single second and quickly jumped inside.

“Whee!” Pinkie cheered as she bounced bouncing and bouncing until higher and higher, until she managed to reach the window and get inside.

“That was fun!” Pinkie Pie said. “But wait a minute, I can’t have fun with this. I must be serious!” And with that, the pink pony silently exited through the window and returned to her bush, from where she extracted a ladder which she used to climb up again. “Now that’s better.”

A quick scan told Pinkie everything she wanted to know. The upper floor contained a very fancy bed – so big that all her friends could fit in, and there would even be extra space for Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. There was also a vanity with countless beauty products, a few mannequins, a closet where Rarity always stored her clothes, along with materials for making, dresses, and a door leading to her bathroom.

Pinkie Pie took one of the notes she brought and placed one of them on top of her bed, another on the mirror of her bathroom and the last one on top of the sewing machine. She would come back at night and place the rest of the notes in the lower floor to further help the legend of Slendermane enter her mind; Rarity would never see this coming.

A few hours later, after sewing up the last dress of her Nightmare Night collection, Rarity finally called an end to the day. “That took me longer than expected,” she said to herself before looking through her window towards the dark sky, the giant, unblinking eye of the moon looking down on her. “I guess it’s time to go to sleep. I don’t want to wake up with eye bags, or even worse, crow’s feet!” she exclaimed, her voice echoing inside the empty building.

As she walked upstairs, Pinkie Pie’s story about Slendermane came back to her head, invading her mind and fueling her paranoia. Rarity didn’t believe in that story, but the darkness always loved to play tricks with her mind. She looked inside Sweetie Belle’s bedroom to find the small unicorn was sleeping peacefully, doubtlessly exhausted after spending the entire day literally chasing ghosts.

Rarity entered her bedroom and turned on the lights. The fluorescent bulbs flickered a few times before banishing away the darkness. That was when she noticed some fancy stationery laying on top of her pillow. “Oh, my. A secret admirer left me a love letter?” Upon closer inspection, she frowned, realizing that it was strangely blank. Another sheet of paper lay badly concealed underneath it. Intrigued, Rarity used her magic to draw it out and lift it up to her face. A sloppy, almost stick figure pony with a tuxedo and a few trees were depicted on the small paper, as if it had been drawn in a hurry. The most unnerving thing was that the pony was unnaturally very tall and slender, and the fact that its face was blank.

“Maybe Sweetie Belle forgot this from her ghost hunting trip?” she asked to herself. A vague sense of unease invaded her mind. Rarity scoffed, letting out a hollow giggle. She went to the bathroom to brush her teeth when she noticed a similar note resting on top of her sewing machine. “Where did that come from?” She approached it slowly, afraid of what this one would have scribbled all over. This note was similar to the last one, but instead of a forest, there was only a tree and the world “FOLLOWS” written vertically, standing beside the depiction of Slendermane.

Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie entered the boutique through the front door, ready to execute the second part of her plan. She swept the lower floor, searching for a new disguise, quickly finding an old tuxedo, two pairs of white socks and a white mask to hide her identity.

“Plan B starts now,” Pinkie Pie whispered as she scattered a few more notes to finish the collection. The first one was placed on the boutique door, followed by one of Rarity’s mannequins, which coincidentally, was wearing a tuxedo, too. Then she placed one on one of her three mirrors and one of the walls of the stairs heading up to the second floor. The last note was reserved for a special place.

Rarity felt her hear begin to race. “If this is Sweetie Belle’s doing, I’ll-” Creak. Rarity startled at the sudden noise in the silence. She took many deep breaths to calm herself down. “I’ll discuss these matters tomorrow,” she said to herself before going into her bathroom. She turned the lights on, only to be greeted by yet another note. She levitated it up to her face, where it sent chills down her spine; “ALWAYS WATCHES” had been scribbled, and below it was what she assumed the head of a pony with a pair of crosses where the eyes would be, ending with “NO EYES” hastily scrawled.

“What is going on here…?” Rarity’s voice quivered like a sapling in a tempest, the whole situation getting scarier every second that went on. She headed downstairs in search of fresh air before she passed out. Downstairs, Pinkie Pie listened to the sound of Rarity’s hooves clopping against the floor as she descended the stairs. It suddenly occurred to Pinkie that she was trapped; Rarity would see or hear her for sure if she moved for the door, and the only other was out was a window on the opposite side of the stairs. Pinkie Pie placed herself between two mannequins, as to avoid being discovered, and stuffed a ball of yarn in her mouth to muffle her excited noises. Rarity didn’t even notice the suspiciously pink and jittery mannequin, focusing only on the front door. Something small met her eyes and she stopped in her tracks to see yet another note waiting for her. The trembling mare froze, torn between curiosity and wanting to get out.

Pinkie Pie took this opportunity to go upstairs as quietly as possible while Rarity focused her attention on the note. The pink mare took this chance to place another note on the wall on her way up, just in case. This one had “DON’T LOOK… OR IT TAKES YOU” written, along with a cross and another representation of Slendermane.

Irrational dread invaded Rarity. What if there was somepony – or something – waiting for her to go outside? What if the notes were only a bait to make her leave the safety of her boutique? “No chance in Tartarus,” Rarity said as she turned around, face to face with one of her mannequins wearing a tuxedo. She tried her hardest to keep her heart from escaping through her mouth in a high-pitched scream. She reassured herself when she noticed the pedestal, and realized that this one had a new note with yet another sketch of the monster and the words, “NO NO NO NO NO” scribbled on both sides of the paper. “You’ll have to try better than this,” she said aloud, failing spectacularly at sounding braver than a soaking wet Opalescence, before heading towards the stairs. On the way there, she couldn’t help but look at her reflection on the three mirrors, worried that her makeup might’ve been tarnished with so many scares.

And just to make fun of her, another note was awaiting her, this one even more simple than the rest. “HELP ME…” she read aloud. Why leave all these notes scattered? And who would have written these notes in the first place? Maybe Pinkie Pie was responsible for this? No, she wouldn’t do something like this; far too meticulously planned for her. Maybe Rainbow Dash was responsible? No, she’s more prone to fast and childish pranks. “If I get my hooves on whoever’s responsible for this, I’ll…”

She was interrupted by a meow coming upstairs. “Oh, my poor Opal. Don’t worry; mommy is coming!” On her way upstairs, she found yet another note, much to her chagrin. This time the message was far simpler that she expected, the words, “LEAVE ME ALONE”, accompanied by a badly scribbled tree. “Such poor skill… It hurts my eyes! Whoever wrote this should take some classes from Brownie; now that’s a stallion who knows something about art.”

Another meow reminded her to hurry up. Rarity beheld her freaked-looking cat, whose fur was on end like one of Goggles’s bore brushes. “Shh, shh. Good kitty, it’s okay,” she whispered, trying to calm down Opal. As this was going on, Sweetie Belle woke up and stumbled into the hallway, meeting Rarity at the top of the stairs. The poor cat retreated to Rarity’s bedroom, despite the marshmallow mare’s pleas.

“Ugh… Rarity? What are you doing up?” the filly asked, still half asleep. “And why is Opal making so much noise?”

“Oh, Sweetie Belle, it’s nothing. Go back to sleep,” she replied without stopping on her way to her bedroom. The door was closed, with yet another note waiting for her, the text “CAN’T RUN” written along with some weird symbols. Rarity growled, “I’m getting tired of these notes!”

“Notes? What are you talking about?” Sweetie asked before looking at the door. “What the…?”

Rarity quickly opened the slightly ajar door only to find her bedroom empty, aside of her precious pet Opal. “Oh, my poor Opal. Did somepony hurt you?” They both stepped towards the car.

Then, both sisters saw a white pony with no face and a tuxedo appear on the other side of the window, only to disappear so quickly that for a moment they thought it. The sisters looked at each other, eyes dilated wide with fright. “Rarity, did you just see what I thought I saw?”

The older unicorn gulped. “D-do you mean that tall, slender, pony with no face wearing a tuxedo?”

“Yeah. I think it’s named Slendermane.”

Rarity flinched as images flashed through her mind. “S-Slendermane?”

“Sis, could you stop hitting me with your tail?”

Rarity made a face. “But, Sweetie, I’m not…” She trailed off. Her eyes met Sweetie Belle’s.

“But if you’re not touching me, then who is?” Every hair stood on end as the sisters were tensed like coiled springs ready to snap if so much as a fly buzzed. Slowly, deliberately, they both turned their heads and saw that same Slendermane standing between them.

“EEEEK!” Rarity and Sweetie shrieked, the younger one bolting for her bedroom and the elder leaping for her bed and cowering under the covers. Rarity felt something strangely uncomfortable brush against her face. She opened her eyes and saw another note. “LOOK BEHIND YOU!” There was no picture. Something softly landed in the bed behind her. In a panic, Rarity sat up in bed and whirled around blindly, fully expecting to Slendermane. But what she was worse, so much worse than Slendermane could ever be.

She opened her eyes and found herself face to face with a mannequin wearing a gaudy yellow dress with big, jagged maroon patterns on it, and a revolting, dark green disaster of a top hat with misshapen, white snowflakes embroidered around at random. Rarity screamed her loudest and fainted.

Ponyville Market - 08:37

As usual, Pinkie Pie was visiting the market early in the morning while most ponies were still asleep or getting ready to work.

She bounced into the blue tent kiosk and chirped, “Good morning, Ace!”

He waved at her enthusiastically, despite the dark circles under his eyes. “Hello there, Pinkie. I guess you’re back for another newspaper?”

“You guessed right,” she replied. With that, Ace took a newspaper from below and gave it to Pinkie Pie. “You’re my best client. Aside of that crazy pony who keeps telling me Equestria is going to end tomorrow, yet keeps asking me to save the newspaper for the next day.”

“I know, right? There’re a lot of crazy ponies around here. Thanks for the newspaper, Ace.” After that, Pinkie Pie returned to Sugarcube Corner, impatient to read about her latest prank.

Another attack by the mysterious prankster, or a new monster lurking in Ponyville?
Last night, the local designer, Rarity, was attacked by what has been described as “a white pony with a blank face and wearing a tuxedo” that left some scary notes all over the boutique and stole a few dresses. But worst of all, it committed a horrendous crime against fashion. Our veteran fashion reporter experienced physical symptoms when presented with the abomination of an outfit, and had to be rushed to the hospital. No word yet on her recovery. The police investigated this event with very little success. The victim explained to the police that she found scary notes in her boutique, and that she fainted when cornered by a badly-dressed mannequin as she summoned one of her famous “fainting couches”, this one coming from her new autumn line. The search didn’t bring anything up, and the police ask for the collaboration of the citizens to put an end to these pranks. When asked if this was another prank from the mysterious Hitmane or the first incident concerning a new monster, they replied with a shrug.

Pinkie Pie didn’t enjoy playing pranks on her own friends, but she wasn’t paid to think or even have fun; she was supposed to be the perfect prankster, and that’s what she’d always aimed for, ever since her first prank. She gazed at her contract list for the last time, printing inside her brain the name memorizing the identity of her next victim: Rainbow Dash, her best friend and partner in pranks. This was the most personal contract she had ever received, but that wasn’t going to stop her. Agent 3.14 never leaves a contract unfinished, and she wasn’t going to start now! Or was it stop? Whatever.

Rainbow Dash’s house - 23:48

Rainbow Dash was sleeping peacefully in her bed, snoring so loudly that half Ponyville could probably hear her. Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie was starting to land her hot air balloon, carefully landing without making a sound against the cloud. Unfortunately she couldn’t step on the cloud without plummeting to the ground below, but that wasn’t going to stop her. The pink pony took out a few balloons and tied them to her body. Now floating, she then entered through the bedroom window, carrying a pink, fancy dress decorated with countless ribbons everywhere.

The task of pranking Rainbow Dash wasn’t an easy one. The pegasus wouldn’t keep still, even for a moment. She was always rolling inside her bed or even running, as if she was racing somepony inside her dreams; it made it nearly impossible to put the dress on her. Pinkie Pie did her best as to avoid waking her up, but she finally accomplished her mission. With the first part of her plan done, she took out a camera from seemingly nowhere and snapped a photograph of Rainbow Dash. The flash of the camera disturbed her sleep and woke her up, but by the time she opened her eyes again, Pinkie Pie had already vanished without a trace.

Rainbow Dash rubbed her eyes as a big yawn escaped from her mouth. “Mmm… What’s going on?” Rainbow Dash looked around, finding nothing unusual, save for a strange softness that pressed around her whole body. “That’s just weird,” she thought to herself before noticing she was fully clothed. The pegasus looked in the mirror. POMF! Her wings shot out and everything stood on end. “WHAT THE?! WHY THE BUCK AM I WEARING THIS!?” She quickly undressed herself before hurling the dress against her laundry basket in outrage. “Who did this to me? And why was I wearing that thing?” She could have thought more about it, but she wrote it off as a crazy dream and returned to napping.

Rainbow Dash always dresses in style

Rainbow Dash is a name that’s been synonymous with strong, athletic, fast, and cool, but we never thought that being stylish would be one of her qualities. From the photograph we received just this morning from an anonymous source, it looks like our local hero and resident athletic pegasus loves to sleep wearing a fancy, pink dress with lots of ribbons. You can read the full report on page C4.

Rainbow Dash crushed the entire newspaper into a ball and threw it through the window, disappearing as it fell through the clouds. Her reputation and career had been stained because of a stupid prank executed by the famous Hitmane, hurting her pride and ego in the process. She approached the window and looked at the town below with a glare that could traumatize Slendermane.

Rainbow seethed, “I don’t know who you are or why you did this, but I can promise one thing. I will look for you, I will find you, and I will prank you, Hitmane…”

Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie was sitting in her room, reading the newspaper as her laughter filled the entire bakery. “Oh, Garfield, you’re so funny!”

Author's Note

And thus ends a silly parody I wrote one of those days when I have a stupid idea and feel the urge to write it down. If this fic gets enough feedback, I could probably write a second part, but I don't promise anything.