Cutie Mark Crusader Security Officers!

by Bad_Seed_72

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Mayor Mare, Random, Slice of Life, Babs Seed, Iron Will
Length: 9515

Back in Ponyville for a second assertiveness seminar, Iron Will runs out of security officers right before the show. He reluctantly allows the CMC to fill in. Will this end well?

After his staff of security officers come down with the billygoat flu, Iron Will desperately seeks replacements. With only a few hours before his seminar, he reluctantly hires four fillies to assist. Iron Will is skeptical, but he doesn't have much of a choice.

But does he really have anything to worry about? After all, it's just an assertiveness seminar. His new hires will just have to check tickets. Security is easy, isn't it? Nothing bad will happen.

Right?

Isn't this the CMC we're talking about?

Thanks to Biker_Dash and ValorlordV5 for editing.

Now Featured on Equestria Daily!

Rated Teen for raunchy humor, language, and four fillies abusing their authority.

Published 2013-08-14 20:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-14 20:40:01 UTC

In Which A Decision Is Made

In Which A Decision Is Made

Iron Will paced around the hotel room, clutching his script in his fingers. In less than six hours, he would be on stage in Ponyville for the second time. He was currently staying at the outskirts of the small town, accompanied by his team of elite security-goats. His crew was the best of the best and would surely ensure that this second foray into Ponyville would go by smoothly.

Pausing in front of a mirror, Iron Will glared at his reflection, letting the script fall out of his fingers.

Pointing at his reflection, he barked, "You there! Iron Will wants you on staaaaaage!"

The minotaur coughed and cleared his throat.

He tried again. "YOU there! Iron Will wants you on staaaaaaaaaage!"

Nope. Still too quiet.

"YOU THERE!" he bellowed, flexing his muscles beneath his sleek blue coat. "Iron Will wants YOU on staaaaaage!"

He slumped over in frustration, smacking his horns against the wall. "Iron Will doesn't have it down yet! Iron Will must be as assertive as he can possibly be, in case that pegasus shows up again!" He groaned at the memory. It had been almost a year since he'd last hosted an assertiveness seminar in Ponyville.

In light of the chaos one certain pegasus had brought, Mayor Mare was reluctant to allow Iron Will to host another event. However, after much sweet-talking (and a little sobbing at her hooves), the Mayor agreed to reserve the amphitheater for the event. Consequently, Iron Will wasn't going to take any chances of messing this one up, too.

Sighing, he stood straight up and stretched, cracking his neck. "Iron Will must be careful. If ponies don't learn the difference between assertiveness and aggression, Mayor Mare might ban Iron Will from further seminars—or, worse, fine Iron Will—and then Iron Will won't be able to afford a new di—"

THUD! THUD! THUD!

Exhaling hot steam from his nostrils, the minotaur stomped over to the door, shouting, "Iron Will is coming! Hold your ponies!" He swore under his breath as he fidgeted with the old doorknob, which was reluctant to reveal his visitor.

Once it finally let loose, he looked around, seeing nopony in front of him. "Hmm?" He raised an eyebrow and called into the hallway, fuming with annoyance. "Who dares to interrupt Iron Will's rehearsal?!"

Below his line of sight came a weak bleating.

"Huh?" Iron Will darted his eyes to the floor. There, barely tall enough to reach his knees, one of the security-goats trembled, his muzzle a sickly white. The goat coughed and sneezed, spraying his employer's hindhooves with a cloud of deathly mist. Iron Will scoffed and backed away. "Don't you cough on Iron Will! Now, what's the matter? Iron Will was in the middle of rehearsal!"

"Baaaa! Baa, baaa!" The goat choked out his words, rubbing his snout, which was visibly inflamed and irritated.

Iron Will raised an eyebrow and snorted. "The whole crew is sick?"

"Baa! Baa!"

"The entire security team?"

"Baa..." Interrupted by a coughing fit, the goat brought a cloven hoof to his throat and rubbed it, trying to soothe his pain. Once he caught his breath, he continued, "Baaaaa! Baa! Baaa baa, baa baaaa!"

Iron Will's annoyed scowl fell away, replaced by a worried frown. "The billygoat flu? All of Iron Will's security officers are sick with the billygoat flu?"

His guard nodded.

Worry wormed its way into Iron Will's one-track mind. If his security crew was sick, there would be nopony to check tickets! Nopony to watch the crowds! And, especially, nopony to make sure that meddling pegasus wouldn't sneak her way into his show! How could he even have a show without security? He shook his muzzle rapidly and crossed his arms, refusing to believe it.

Skeptical, he demanded, "Show Iron Will!"

Sniffing back a clot of snot, the goat nodded once more and turned around, his hooves skidding a little across the floor as he maneuvered. Iron Will rolled his eyes at the exaggeration. Closing the door behind him, he followed his sick guard, mumbling under his breath, "Iron Will shall dock half your pay if you are lying..."

The goat located the door to the officer's suite and rapped on the door three times, paused, and knocked twice more. A haggard, black goat opened the door, a blanket slung over his shoulders and a thermometer hanging from his lips.

Iron Will glanced quizzically at this guard. "Really? Old Ironhoof is sick, too?"

Ironhoof bleated, "Ba... aa... achoo!" The force of his sneeze sent the old goat flying backwards, smacking into one of the beds. Iron Will and his interrupting goat walked into the suite.

There, strewn about on both beds, both couches, and even on the floor, the entire team of ten billygoats laid down in misery. Some of them pressed cold compresses to their foreheads. Others huddled up in blankets, shivering. Still others downed cups of hot tea and orange juice, hoping to exorcise the demons within.

Iron Will crossed his arms and shook his head. "Iron Will is disappointed in all of you!" He snorted and rolled his eyes. "Playing sick before a seminar? If you didn't want to work for Iron Will, you should've told Iron Will! It's too late to back out now!"

Ironhoof brushed against his boss's hooves, shaking his withered muzzle. He pulled the thermometer from his mouth and held it up for Iron Will to read. The minotaur swiped the instrument away and held it close to his face. "One hundred and two degrees..." His shoulders slumped in sick realization. Passing the thermometer back, he mumbled, "Iron Will believes you now."

Sighing, he made his way to the bathroom of the guards's suite, where he washed his hands several times. Once he was finished, Iron Will returned to the main room and looked around. None of his security-goats were in working condition. Not a single one. Whoever had caught the bug first had apparently spread it around to every one of them, leaving Iron Will with absolutely no other option but to cancel the event.

Defeated, Iron Will glanced at Ironhoof and the guard who'd alerted him to the situation. "Iron Will understands. All of you must get well. Stay here and rest. Iron Will shall go talk to Mayor Mare and let her know."

~

"Are ya sure 'bout this, Babs?"

Apple Bloom followed after Babs Seed, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo. The four Crusaders had just wrapped up a somewhat-successful Crusaders meeting. Since her cousin was in town, Apple Bloom was adamant that they go on a serious crusade today. However, Babs's suggestion for a crusade seemed a little... odd.

Babs Seed blew the strand of mane in front of her eyes away and laughed. "C'mon, cuz! Dis is a good idea. You'll see." She led the Crusaders away from the clubhouse and towards one of the Apple Family barns where the cows, pigs, sheep, and other animals slept.

"Yeah! I'm liking this idea!" Scootaloo fluttered her wings in excitement. "This definitely beats your last idea, Apple Bloom!"

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. "Jus' 'cuz none o' y'all know how ta sew doesn't mean it was a bad idea."

"Rarity wasn't too happy when we stitched Opal's tail to that fabric," Sweetie said sheepishly, blushing.

Babs laughed and threw back her mane. "You three tried ta stitch a cat? Dat's not the sayin'!"

"We weren't tryin'," protested Apple Bloom. "It jus' kinda happened."

"Like dat time ya went inta Twilight's library lookin' fo' a nice story, an' instead ya found a book 'bout in—"

"Babs! Ah told ya that was a secret!" Flattening her ears, Apple Bloom shook her head and kicked at the grass as she followed after her cousin and friends. She muttered under her breath, "Can't tell that consarned filly anythin' without her openin' her big mouth."

"What's dat?" Babs stopped in her tracks and turned around, eying her cousin suspiciously.

"Nothin'." Pointing to one of the barns, Apple Bloom said, "We're here, Babs. Are ya really sure this is a good idea ta get our cutiemarks?"

"'Course it is! 'Sides, ma city friends say country-ponies do this all the time," Babs assured. She sat down and motioned for the other Crusaders to come closer. They formed a small circle. Babs threw her forehooves around Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo's shoulders and nodded for Apple Bloom to do the same. With a groan, Apple Bloom complied.

"What's the plan, Babs?" Scootaloo asked, a huge grin on her muzzle.

"Alright, so heeya goes." Babs cleared her throat and glanced at the barn. "One o' us sneaks inside, sees if any o' dem cows are sleepin', an' comes back out heeya. If any o' dem are, all three o' us go in, rush over ta their weak side, then push 'em over."

Sweetie squeaked excitedly. "Oooh! This is gonna be great! 'Cutie Mark Crusader Cow-Tippers!'"

Babs smirked. "Exactly."

"Cuz," Apple Bloom said, flattening her ears in annoyance, "Ah've lived on a farm all ma life, an' we've never done anythin' like this."

"Dat's 'cuz ya didn't have me 'round. You were a chicken befo'," joked Babs Seed, shooting her a toothy grin. "I'm tellin' ya, Apple Bloom, dis is the perfect plan! Nothin' can go wrong!"

With a sigh, Apple Bloom nodded, figuring that arguing with the stubborn filly wasn't worth the effort.

After a few more hushed instructions, the other Crusaders unanimously selected Scootaloo to sneak into the barn. "On accounta ya wings an' all," Babs explained, which earned her a glare from Scoots.

Once decided, three Crusaders ducked behind a large apple tree near the barn, while the fourth tip-hoofed her way towards it. "You can do it, Scoots!" Sweetie Belle hissed, peering around the tree.

"Shut up! You'll blow my cover!" Scootaloo snapped back, keeping her voice low.

Apple Bloom yanked Sweetie back behind the tree. Babs just face-hoofed, saying, "I can see you three would make terrible spies."

"Quiet, Babs!"

"Sorry, cuz."

With a groan, Scootaloo stopped in her tracks and stared at the barn. According to her calculations, she was about twenty feet or so away from the double doors. If she could manage to fly all the way, this would prove to be a sure-fire plan. She smirked and spread her tiny wings. Twenty feet, schmenty feet!

Extending her fledgling wings to full length, Scootaloo jumped and started to pump her wings furiously, stretching her hooves forward. Recalling the lessons of her idol, she propelled her wings as fast and hard as she could. Miraculously, she was moving forward! The barn doors were coming closer! Closer, closer, closer, and—

Scootaloo felt a sharp, stabbing pain, and crashed to the ground.

Babs face-hoofed again. "Celestia damn it..."

Sweetie gasped. "Is she okay?"

Apple Bloom whispered, "Ah... Ah think so..."

Scootaloo groaned and pushed herself back up. She looked towards the barn again.

Fifteen feet away.

Shaking her head, Scootaloo trudged forward, stopping when she felt something wet and sticky beneath her hoof. It had a weird, squishy texture. "Gross!"

Scootaloo lifted the offending forehoof and examined it closely. A strange, brown substance dripped from it. She brought it to her nose and sniffed. It smelled like... grass? "What the hay?"

"What did she just step in?" Sweetie asked, tilting her head.

"Um..." Apple Bloom gulped, wide-eyed. "Ah don't think the cows are asleep, gals."

Suddenly, Scootaloo's eyes bulged out of their sockets. She started backing up, her wings flaring in horror. "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my GOSH! Gross! Gross! Gross!"

Shaking her forehoof rapidly as she tried to sling it off, Scootaloo cried, "Get it off me! Get it off me! GET IT OFF ME!"

"Well, so much fo' dat Crusade..." Rolling her eyes, Babs turned to her cousin. "Know where the hose is?"

~

"What do you mean your entire security team is ill?"

Mayor Mare peered up the brim of her glasses at her visitor. Swiveling lazily in her favorite chair, she brought her forehooves together over her desk. Despite her gesture, she was far from patient. "Well?" She raised an eyebrow, snorting her annoyance. "Is this some sort of joke?"

Iron Will cleared his throat loudly and rubbed his neck. He darted his eyes around the Mayor's office as he mumbled, "Well, er, you see, Mayor Mare, Iron Will, er, um, unfortunately—"

"Do you know," she said, removing her spectacles with one forehoof, "that we had to cancel another event to make room for that ridiculous 'assertiveness seminar' of yours?"

"Y-you did?" He gulped, feeling nauseous.

"Indeed. And that event is far more anticipated than yours."

"May..." He spread his arms apologetically. "May Iron Will know, Miss Mayor?"

Cleaning her glasses absentmindedly, Mayor Mare replied, "The annual Ponyville Festival For Deep-Frying Things That Should Never Be Fried, Like Fruit Punch."

He blinked in reply.

"Oh yes, it's quite a tradition here." Satisfied with her glasses, she placed them back on her face and looked directly at Iron Will. "All of the young fillies and colts eagerly look forward to it. Some of the chubbier ones even go on a diet for a few weeks beforehoof in anticipation of all that artery-clogging goodness. But," she said with a sigh, "I suppose that the festival was canceled for nothing this year."

Flushing with guilt, Iron Will wrung his hands and began, "Mayor Mare, Iron Will is—"

She held up a forehoof to stop him. "Don't be sorry. It's obvious what's going on here."

"Oh?"

Hopping out of her chair, Mayor Mare trotted up to the minotaur and stared at him menacingly. She pointed angrily at him as she spoke. "You chickened out, didn't you? Couldn't stand to show your muzzle in this town after what happened after all, could you? Too afraid that a certain pegasus would make a fool out of you, again?!"

Iron Will took a few steps back, inching towards the door and holding up his hands in surrender. "Iron Will is very sorry! Iron Will shall never try—"

Mayor Mare jumped up and snatched a hold of his tie, pulling his muzzle to meet hers. "Oh, no you don't!"

Taken aback, he stuttered, "B-beg pardon?"

"The show must go on," Mayor Mare vowed, her eyes afire, "especially when I'm missing out on triple-deep-fried donuts because of your stupid little seminar!"

Retching his tie out of her grip, he argued, "But, Iron Will cannot have a show without security off—"

"Then hire some random ponies to take tickets and swing batons!" Mayor Mare groaned and dismissed him with a forehoof. "They're just Rent-A-Guard's anyway—pitiful excuses of flesh playing Royal Guard when they couldn't make the cut!"

Iron Will snorted, steam smoking from his nostrils. "Don't you insult Iron Will's—"

"I'll do whatever I damn well please! Now, get yourself some replacements, or get the buck out of my town!" Mayor Mare thrust her forehoof towards the door. "You're dismissed! NOW!"

Grumbling to himself, the minotaur stomped out of the office, cracking his knuckles and shaking his head.

With a heavy, frustrated sigh, Mayor Mare returned to her favorite chair and buried her muzzle in her forehooves. "Oh, my dear deep-fried fruit punch, how could I have abandoned you for that freak?"

~

Applejack shook her head and started rolling up the hose, glancing over at the four fillies, one of whom now had a perfectly polished right forehoof. "Ah can't believe y'all! Thinkin' o' goin' an' disturbin' our friends ta try an get a cutiemark!"

Applejack scoffed and spat on the ground. "Y'all have had some pretty hare-brained ideas before, but this jus' takes the cake! Whose idea was this, anyway?" she demanded, narrowing her eyes.

Babs twiddled her forehooves, mumbling, "Well, er, it was—"

"It was Babs!" Scootaloo exclaimed, pointing at her.

"What?! You're a snitch now?" Babs spun around, glaring at the pegasus.

Applejack stomped a hoof into the dirt. "Serves ya right, Babs! That is not how we do things 'round here!"

Rolling her eyes, Babs grumbled half-heartedly, "I'm sorry, Cousin Applejack."

"No." Applejack ordered, stepping closer to her, "Say it like ya mean it."

Mustering the most convincing pout she could, Babs looked squarely at Applejack and said, "I'm sorry, Cousin Applejack! It won't happen 'gain! I promise!"

"You'd better. Ya haven't even been here mo' than a few hours, Babs, an' yer already gettin' inta trouble." Sighing, Applejack said to the four fillies, "Now, Ah've got a lotta work ta do ta-day. Ah was thinkin' o' havin' y'all help as punishment—"

"Noooooo!" the Crusaders whined in unison, frowning.

"But," Applejack continued, "Ah don't want y'all gettin' in the way. So, instead, Ah want y'all ta go inta town fer a few hours an' stay outta ma mane. Sound good?"

"We can do that, Applejack!" Apple Bloom glanced at her friends. "Right, gals?"

"Right!" cheered the others.

"An'," Applejack added, raising a forehoof, "Ah want y'all ta stay outta trouble. Go see Pinkie, Rarity, o' Fluttershy, o' somethin' like that."

Scootaloo offered, "What about Rainbow Dash?"

Applejack snorted. "Ah said stay outta trouble, not crash right inta it."

"Awww!" Scootaloo whined, her countenance falling.

"Aww, it's alright, Scoots!" Sweetie assured, springing to her hooves. "I bet we'll find something super fun to do in town!"

"'Ey, you're right!" Babs clasped her forehooves together excitedly. "I bet there's all sorts o' fun stuff we can do!"

"Ya see?" Applejack chuckled. "Y'all can have fun without bringin' harm ta other livin' creatures. O' steppin' in their dung."

Three muzzles giggled, while a fourth one blushed to a deep crimson. "It's not funny!" Scootaloo's protest, however, was in vain. Even Applejack was laughing at her. Irritated, she fluttered her wings and galloped off towards town center, leaving the other three in her dust.

"Aw, c'mon, Scoots! It was jus' a joke!" Apple Bloom shouted, as she, Babs, and Sweetie took off in hot pursuit.

~

Iron Will stood smack-dab in the middle of Ponyville's town center, near the fountain. He held a crudely-written sign in his fingers: Security Officers Needed Today! Forty Bits For Four Hours! He plastered his best, most assertive smile across his face, smiling at everypony who passed him by.

Sadly, despite his best efforts, he had yet to hire a single pony. He'd been standing there for almost an hour with no luck at all. Adding insult to injury, he was certain that his toothy smile had sent at least one foal and one full-grown stallion screaming and crying for their mothers.

"What?!" He shook his head as a third pony ran away with tears in her eyes. "Iron Will is not a monster! Iron Will is a minotaur!!"

A beige mare with a red, streaked mane gasped over-dramatically and pointed a forehoof at him. "Monster! The horror! The HORROR!"

Iron Will waved his hand and shook his muzzle rapidly. "Wait! No, no, no—"

"AHHHHH!"

"A MONSTER!"

"THE HORROR!"

"RUN!"

"MY LEG!"

Before he could speak another frantic word, Iron Will was engulfed in a cloud of dust. All around him, vendors rushed their carts away or boarded up their shops. Earth ponies galloped home, making sure to tuck in their welcome mats before locking their doors behind them. Pegasi rocketed into the skies. Unicorns teleported to a safe location.

Meanwhile, Iron Will coughed and choked on the resulting dust, squeezing his eyes shut and struggling to breathe.

In a few, agonizing seconds, the dust cleared, and the minotaur found his breath. Heaving, he began to calm down, then opened his eyes.

Ponyville was deserted.

"Horseapples!" he cursed, stomping the ground. Groaning, he looked towards the town clock-tower. Only two hours to go before the seminar, and still no officers. It appeared there wouldn't be any now.

Face-palming, Iron Will sighed and shook his head. "Mayor Mare will have Iron Will's head on a platter if Iron Will doesn't find anypony to—"

"Quit it, Babs!"

"No, you quit it!"

"This is all yer fault, anyway!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Will you two stop fighting already?! You sound like an old married couple!"

"Ewww, Scoots! They're cousins!"

"Yeah! Plus, if Ah wanted ta marry ma cuz, Ah would pick somepony wit' a lil' mo' sense!"

"'Ey!"

"Well, it's true! Ya got us caught, an' now we gotta found somethin' else ta do!"

"It's not ma fault everypony left town!"

"Maybe not, but it's yer fault we're out here!"

"It's not ma fault Applejack found us!"

"Ya coulda done somethin' other than run 'round the farm screamin, 'Look, everypony, Scootaloo stepped in cow sh—'"

"HEY!"

A loud, bass voice snapped the four fillies to attention.

Iron Will stood by the fountain, crumpling his sign in his fingers. "Who dares disturb Iron Will's audible introspection?!" he demanded, spraying spittle into the wind. The wind, of course, playfully caught his foul saliva and blew it towards the Crusaders, who were only mere feet away.

"Ahhh! A monster!" Sweetie squeaked in terror and ducked behind Scootaloo. "Get 'em, Scoots!"

"What do you expect me to do?!" demanded Scoots, glaring at Sweetie Belle. She brought a forehoof to her cheek, finding it soaked in a sticky, smelly substance. "Oh, come onnnnnnn! This is the second time today I've been covered in somepony else's bodily fluids!"

"Or solids," corrected Babs, snort-laughing.

"Um, is anypony gonna talk ta this guy?" Apple Bloom mumbled, shaking her head disappointingly at her friends. She gestured to the minotaur towering above them. "Um, gals?!"

"Oh, yeah." Scootaloo looked up at Iron Will and screamed, her voice surprisingly high-pitched.

Smacking her belly, Babs flopped onto her back and began to laugh uproariously. "Hahahahahaha! Scoots has such a squeaky lil' scream! Hahahaha! What a baby!"

"I'm—not—a—baby!" Scoots lifted a forehoof towards Babs Seed. "Say that again to my face!"

Tears rolling down her cheeks, Babs paused her laughter and snickered. "You—are—a—ba—"

"ENOUGH!"

Tearing his sign in half, Iron Will threw his head back and howled to the Heavens. "What more do you want from Iron Will?! What more do you want from him?!"

"Um, that's weird." Apple Bloom poked one of the minotaur's hooves. "He's like, half pony, an' part bull, but part somethin' else that has real weird forehooves... an' he talks in third-pony."

"Yea!" Poking her head out from behind Scootaloo, Sweetie added, "And he seems oddly religious. Which is weird, considering that this show has nothing to do with religion. Not even the Pinkie-sense episode."

Scootaloo raised an eyebrow. "'Show?'"

"Errr, nevermind," mumbled Sweetie as she looked away.

"Uh..." Apple Bloom looked up at the minotaur, who was now clutching his horns, clinging to them for dear sanity. "Uh, can we help ya, mister?"

"Hah—yeah!—haha!" Babs added between laughs, still rolling around on the street. "We—haha!—need somethin' ta do!"

Defeated, Iron Will slumped his shoulders and hung his muzzle. "Iron Will cannot be helped. Iron Will shall have to cancel today's seminar. The Universe does not smile upon Iron Will. Only mocks!" he cried, wiping a single tear from his eye.

Seeing this, all four Crusaders frowned and sat down side-by-side, looking up at the poor beast. "Aww, don't cry!" Sweetie asked, "What's wrong? Maybe we can help!"

Iron Will sighed. "Nopony can help Iron Will. Iron Will came back to Ponyville for a second chance, but Fate will have none of that."

"Wait... Iron Will?" Apple Bloom tilted her head. "Ain't you the one who made Fluttershy go crazy fer a lil' bit?"

Sweetie nodded. "Yeah, that was a great ep—I mean, thing."

Iron Will cupped his chin in his hands and nodded. "That's right, my little ponies. Mayor Mare banned Iron Will for almost a year after that, but gave him another shot today."

"Today?" Scootaloo repeated. "Wasn't today supposed to be the annual Ponyville Festival For Deep-Frying Things That Should Never Be Fried, Like Fruit Punch?"

"It was?" Babs groaned. "Now I'll never get ta know what deep-fried pickles taste like!"

Smirking, Scootaloo replied, "They taste like your mo—"

"Shhh!" Apple Bloom glared at the two, then turned back to Iron Will. "So, ya got a second chance. That's great! Why are ya so glum, then?"

"Iron Will's entire security team is sick!" He threw up his hands. "And Mayor Mare will not let Iron Will reschedule! Iron Will shall be run out of Ponyville now for good. And not just Ponyville. Others shall hear, and Iron Will shall soon be the laughingstock of Equestria!"

"Now, hold on a minute." Apple Bloom said, "Ya said you needed security-ponies, right?"

He nodded, sniffling a little.

Apple Bloom turned to her dysfunctional family of friends. Immediately, four muzzles lit up with evil grins. "Y'all thinkin' what Ah'm thinkin'?"

Sweetie whispered, "Cutie Mark Crusader..."

In unison, all four exclaimed, "Security Officers!"

Iron Will tilted his head. "Er... what?"

Rising to their hooves, the four fillies began hopping excitedly in a circle, chanting, "We're gonna get our cutiemarks! We're gonna get our cutiemarks! We're gonna get our—"

"Whoa, whoa!" Standing up, Iron Will narrowed his eyes. "Iron Will never said anything about hiring you four."

"But! But!" Sweetie Belle protested, tapping one of his hooves, "You said you needed help, right? We're willing to help you!"

"Yeah!" Scootaloo jumped and hovered in the air. "We'd make perfect security offers! We're ruthless, fearless, and don't take nothing from nopony!"

"Dat means ya take everythin', nitwit," Babs shot back, face-hoofing for the umpteenth time. "Double negative."

"Yeah, whatever! He knows what I meant!"

Iron Will stroked his chin and gave them a once-over. While they were small (even for fillies), what they lacked in size, they compensated for in spunk and wit.

Besides, who else would be so willing and eager to help? It seemed like the whole town had turned its back upon him. And with less than two hours to go before the seminar, Iron Will couldn't drum up any alternatives. This was his only shot.

After a long, awkward silence, he sighed and relented, "Fine, fine. You four shall be Iron Will's security team for the day."

He almost fell backwards into the fountain from the force of the unanimous shout that followed.

"YAY!"

In Which A Decision Is Regretted

In Which A Decision Is Regretted

"Alright! So, does everypony remember Iron Will's rules?"

Iron Will paced back and forth in front of the four fillies, all of whom were lined up side-by-side and equipped with batons, hoof-cuffs, mace, and ridiculous blue uniforms. The uniforms were similiar to those of a police officer—cyan with dark-blue pockets and silver buttons. While they were unused uniforms intended for the goat-guards, they fit the four decently enough, much to Iron Will's elation.

Iron Will stood with his new hires behind the stage of Ponyville's ampitheatre. A small crowd of paid attendees were finally starting to gather. It'd taken about an hour before the residents of Ponyville deemed the streets safe again, leaving only about an hour before the show was due to start. "Well?" he asked, crossing his arms and staring down at the fillies.

"Um... Nopony gets backstage without a ticket!" Scootaloo answered, confidently raising a forehoof.

"Good." Iron Will smiled. "That's one."

Sweetie nodded. "Oh, and if anypony gets rowdy, warn them three times that they need to calm down before we use justifiable legal force!"

"That's two."

"Dat's right!" Babs drew her baton and smacked it several times against her opposite forehoof. "An' if we see Fluttershy at all, she's not allowed in under any circumstances!"

"Right! Wait... what?" Apple Bloom blinked and shook herself awake. "Why ain't she allowed inta the seminar again, Mister Iron Will?"

"Nopony questions Iron Will!" he blurted, waving his hands. "Nopony! Treat me like a pushover, and you'll get the once-over!" Lurching forward, he raised a finger and growled to his guards, "Mayor Mare may have Iron Will in a corner, but not Fluttershy! There shall be no more 'incidents' after today, you four got that?"

"Uh-huh," the Crusaders mumbled, gulping.

"Good!" Iron Will rose to full height and grinned. "Now, what else did Iron Will tell you?"

"Attack the day!"

"Don't be shy, look 'em in the eye!"

"When somepony tries ta block, show 'em that ya rock!"

"Don't be sorry! Be assertive!"

"That's RIGHT!" Beating his chest with his fists, Iron Will roared, "Let's get this show on the road, ponies!"

"ALRIGHT!"

Four Crusaders raised their forehooves and hoof-bumped each other, fueled by adrenaline. This was the perfect plan! After this show and this little gig, they'd finally emerge with their cutiemarks, never to be called blankflanks again!

Iron Will smirked and chuckled to himself. Perhaps this was for the better after all! Turning around, he moved the stage's red curtain aside and glanced at the growing crowd. Soon, he would be commanding the stage once more, showing these ponies really how to be assertive!

Today was going to be perfect!

~

One hour later...

After a mostly uneventful round of ticket-taking and checking, the four security-fillies were stationed backstage, going over Iron Will's last-minute post orders. Iron Will was currently on stage, introducing himself with his roar of a voice. "Hello, everypony! Iron Will's my name, and trainin' ponies is my game!"

"Alright, Crusaders! Let's go over the list!" Apple Bloom clutched a clipboard and a hastily scrawn list in her forehooves. "Let's see... Everypony in the crowd has tickets, right?"

"Check!" Scootaloo fluttered her wings and smirked. "Me and Sweetie Belle made sure of that. Right, Sweetie Belle?"

"Right!"

"Alright!" Tapping her chin, Apple Bloom read off the next item on the list. "An' nopony's seen Fluttershy 'round here, right?"

"Check!" Babs stretched her hindhooves. "An' we're ready ta take her down if she tries ta change that!"

Her cousin frowned. "Babs, we can't jus' tackle everypony who breaks the rules immediately! We have ta warn 'em three times, 'member?"

"Oh," Babs said, visibly disappointed. She sat on her haunches and sighed. "Guess you're right."

"'Sides, Fluttershy's our friend!" Apple Bloom checked off the second item on the list. "If she does try ta get inta the seminar, we'll jus' politely ask her to leave."

Sweetie agreed, "Yea! Ponies always listen if you ask politely."

Babs mumbled, "You three neva been ta Manehatten, have ya?"

Apple Bloom narrowed her eyes. "What was that?"

"Nothin'!"

"Hmph." Moving down her list, only one item remained. "Alright, girls. It says here that once the seminar starts, we need ta split up. One pony backstage, one pony at the front entrance, one pony at the rear—"

Babs snorted.

Ignoring her, Apple Bloom finished, "An' one roamin' around, patrollin'. Alright. Who wants ta stay backstage?"

None of the others made a move.

Apple Bloom groaned. "C'mon, y'all, somepony has ta stay back here!"

"But backstage is boring!" Scootaloo whined.

"Jus' fer that, Scoots, yer stayin' backstage."

"Awww, c'mon!" Scootaloo crossed her forehooves and kicked at the floorboards. "Of course I get the boring job."

"Aww, don't be so glum, Scootie!" Sweetie Belle giggled. "I'll come back and keep you company!"

Blushing, Scootaloo hissed, "I told you not to use that name in public!"

Babs and Apple Bloom exchanged knowing glances before both fillies burst into laughter. "Scootie? Bahahaha!" Babs whooped, practically doubling over with chortles.

"Oh, very funny!" huffed Scoots, drawing her baton. "Remember: you laugh at me, I wrath at you!"

"Yea, whateva, tough guy," dismissed Babs, stomping the floor in glee. Struggling to compose herself, she said, "Apple Bloom, let's jus' pick da rest o' the positions. I'll giggle at the Scootie some otha time."

Wiping a tear from her eye, Apple Bloom said, "Heh, heh, alright. Alright! So! Who wants ta go guard the front entrance?"

"Guess I will." With a smirk, Babs Seed said, "I'll make sure nopony gets inta heeya without a ticket, o' at least a big box o' donuts!"

"No, Babs! No bribes!" Apple Bloom clicked her tongue and shook her muzzle. "We have ta take this job seriously!"

"Fiiiiiiiiine."

"Good." Returning to the list, Apple Bloom said, "Alright, so that jus' leaves me an' Sweetie. Sweetie Belle, would ya rather roam 'round o' guard the rear?"

Babs snort-laughed again, earning her a punch to the shoulder from Apple Bloom. Babs rolled her eyes and started making her way towards the front entrance.

Oblivious to it all, Sweetie Belle tapped her chin, deeply in thought. "Umm... hmmm... maybe... no... ummm—"

"Fer pony's sake, Sweetie, jus' pick one!"

"I'll guard your rear!"

"W-what?!" Apple Bloom took a step back.

"I mean," Sweetie corrected with a blush, "I'll guard the rear."

"O-okay, Sweetie."

With a quick salute and some awkward laughter, the four officers dispersed, each one heading towards their assigned post. Meanwhile, on stage, Iron Will brought a timid stallion on stage, demanding, "What kind of name is Caramel?!"

~

Sitting on her haunches, Babs Seed twirled her baton. The grass was cool and crisp beneath her hooves, serving as a refreshing contrast to the blaze of Celestia's sun above. It was a wonderful day in Ponyville for just about anything, including an assertiveness seminar. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, Iron Will was damaging the self-esteem of most of his audience...

And it was all so very, very boring.

Not a single pony had tried to muscle their way past Babs Seed and into the amphitheater. Not a single one!

Babs smacked her baton from one forehoof to the other, muttering under her breath, "C'mon, somepony, anypony... Hay, if dis was Manehatten, I'd have at least a few thugs try ta mosey dey way inta heeya by now. Ponyville's so booooring!"

With a frustrated sigh, Babs tucked her baton back into its sheath attached to her shoulder. Practically drowning in boredom, so took a forehoof to the grass and pawed at it, poking at the dirt beneath. "Stupid lil' town..."

"Oh, excuse me, young filly."

She glanced up to see an elderly gray stallion wearing an oversized bowtie trembling before her. He bore a strange cutiemark of a bubble pipe on his flank. The stallion brushed back the single strand of mane that remained on his otherwise-bald head. "Have you seen my spectacles, young filly?"

Babs stopped digging at the dirt and paused. "Say what now?"

"Oh, I think I lost my glasses somewhere around here! Have you seen them?"

"Um..." Biting her lip, Babs said, "Sorry, Pops. Can't say dat I have."

"Oh, well that's a shame." Trotting closer, the stallion squinted and peered past the front gate towards the amphitheater area. "Perhaps I lost them in the park?"

Rising to her hooves, she stated firmly, "Dat ain't a park, Grandpa. Now, if ya don't have a ticket ta the show, ya should move 'long, right 'bout now."

The stallion adjusted his bowtie and mused, each word shaking his great jowls, "Oh, yes, I think I must have lost them while I was walking in the park earlier today!" He edged closer to the gate and Babs Seed. "Yes, I'm sure that's where they are."

"Sir," Babs said, raising her voice, "if ya don't have a ticket, ya can't get past the gate heeya."

The stallion crinkled his snout. "T-ticket? But, young filly," he protested, pointing blindly towards the stage, "that's a park right there! Some blue elephant is playing in the sandbox, even!"

Face-hoofing, Babs grumbled, "You have one mo' chance, old man, befo' I have ta take legal action."

Grinning wildly, the elderly stallion placed one forehoof on the gate, rising up on his hindhooves to get a better look.

"Alright, dat's it!"

Poor Mister Waddles never saw what was coming.

Springing off her hindhooves, Babs drew her baton and launched into the elderly stallion. Weak in the hooves, Mister Waddles fell backwards off the gate and landed on his back with a loud "Oomph!"

"Code Tango! Code Tango! Code Tango!" Babs shouted, hoping her fellow officers would hear. "We've got a trespasser heeya!"

"Ahhhh! Please, get off me!"

Babs smacked the stallion across the shoulders.

"Ahhhhhh!"

"Ya gonna leave?!"

"Yes, yes! Please, stop!" he begged, curling up into a ball.

Several passing ponies stopped to stare at the sight. Babs Seed complied and crawled off him, swinging her baton between her forehooves. "Alright, buddy, move along!"

"Y-yes ma'am!" Struggling to his hooves, Mister Waddles panted and shook off his pain, limping towards the street.

A beige Earth pony mare with a blue-and-pink-streaked mane approached the young officer. "Hey! What do you think you're doing, kid?"

"I ain't no kid! I'm a security officer fo' Mister Iron Will's seminar!" Babs brandished her baton, twirling it back and forth. "An' unless ya got a ticket, ya'd best run off, unless ya wanna end up like dat guy."

"Hmph. Well, I never." The mare scoffed before turning away, holding her nose in the air.

Babs groaned. "Some ponies. Sheesh..."

~

Sweetie Belle hummed a joyful tune as she guarded the rear entrance to the seminar. The day had been beautiful and uneventful so far. Not too long ago, she thought she'd heard shouting from the other side of the amphitheater, but it was probably nothing. Shrugging it off, Sweetie Belle continued to hum, closing her eyes and relishing the sensation of the wind in her mane. Such a perfect day...

"Hey, you there!"

Sweetie Belle opened her eyes and looked up. A white unicorn with a two-tone blue mane and enormous sunglasses waved her over.

"S-sorry," Sweetie said, planting her hooves firmly on the ground, "I can't abandon my post."

"Oh! Well, in that case, I'll come talk to you."

"A-alright."

The unicorn sauntered over, a huge smile on her muzzle. "Say, kid, are you working this event?"

Visibly perking up, Sweetie exclaimed, "Sure am! I'm a security officer for Mister Iron Will's assertiveness seminar."

"Nice gig!" Chuckling, the unicorn extended a forehoof to the filly and introduced herself. "I'm Vinyl Scratch."

Sweetie Belle took her forehoof and shook it. "Nice to meet you, Miss Scratch! I'm Sweetie Belle!"

"Please, Sweetie, call me Vinyl!" she said with a laugh. "Now," Vinyl continued, lowering her sunglasses to reveal her bright, crimson eyes, "can you tell me if Mister Iron Will has a DJ for this event?"

Sweetie shook her head. "No, Vinyl, he doesn't."

"I see." Vinyl Scratch rubbed her forehooves together. "Do you know if he'd be interested in hiring one?"

"Um... I'm not sure. The show's already started."

"Already started?! Without music?" Vinyl gasped, placing a forehoof on her chest. "How could somepony have a show without music?"

Sweetie rubbed her nape, darting her eyes around. What was this strange mare getting at? "I'm... I'm not sure."

Crossing her forehooves, Vinyl scoffed and shook her head. "Nopony can, that's who! Tell you what, Sweetie Belle..."

Reaching into her wild mane, Vinyl withdrew a hoof-full of gold coins. "You take these nice, shiny bits and open that gate for me, and I'll go take care of this music situation."

"Um..." Avoiding Vinyl's piercing gaze, Sweetie muttered, "I'm not supposed to take any gifts anypony offers me. That's bribery."

"Bribery?" Vinyl scoffed, incredulous. She laughed and shook her head again. "Bribery! No, no, Sweetie Belle, this isn't bribery. Think of it as a little deal between friends."

"Uh... well..." Sweetie Belle bit her lip, nervous sweat dripping down her neck. "Uh, well, you see—"

"Is there a problem here, Sweetie Belle?"

Apple Bloom entered through the rear gate and joined Sweetie Belle's side, yielding her baton and glaring at Vinyl Scratch. Pointing her baton at the mare, Apple Bloom asked her fellow officer, "Is this one givin' ya any trouble?"

"Oh, another little security officer?"

"Who ya callin' lil'?" demanded Apple Bloom, rounding on Vinyl Scratch. She gave Vinyl a quick once-over. "Ah don't see any ticket in yer hooves."

"I don't need a ticket to ask questions, do I?" challenged Vinyl, directing her glare towards Apple Bloom.

"Ah dunno. Depends on what ma filly Sweetie Belle says you were doin'." She turned to Sweetie. "What was this here mare sayin' ta ya, Sweetie?"

Staring intensely at Vinyl, Sweetie replied, "She tried to bribe me."

"Bribe?!"

"Me, bribe?" Vinyl placed a forehoof on her forehead and scoffed in mock offense. "How dare you accuse me of bribery! Do you know who I am?"

Smacking her baton in her opposite forehoof, Apple Bloom spat, her anger seething, "Ya look like a troublemaker ta me."

With a flick of her mane, Vinyl tucked her bits back into that wilderness of two-tone blue, rolling her eyes. "Well then, I suppose you two are too good for my money." Glancing over the rear gate, she mused, "This gate isn't very strong. What if I just... jumped over it?"

Sweetie gasped. "You wouldn't dare!"

"The hay I wouldn't!"

"Oh yeah? Ya wanna do this the hard way, do ya?" Apple Bloom warned, "We're gonna give ya three chances. This is the first one. Leave, now."

Vinyl smirked.

Drawing her baton, Sweetie stammered, "G-go a-away. You don't have a ticket and you're trying to get in. You're trespassing."

Apple Bloom nodded, still staring at Vinyl. "That's two."

"Oooh! Two!" Vinyl Scratch stuck out her tongue and groaned. Ignoring the two security officers, she placed her hindhooves on the bottom railing of the fencing surrounding the amphitheater. "Enough playin' around, kiddos. It's time Vinyl Scratch gets herself a gig!"

"That's three!" exclaimed Sweetie Belle, wide-eyed.

"We gave her a fair chance! C'mon, Sweetie, let's git her!"

Springing into action, Apple Bloom leapt at Vinyl's hindhooves. Sweat rolled down Sweetie's neck profusely. She wasn't prepared for this!

Sweetie darted a forehoof to her baton, but it wouldn't budge. Panicking, she grabbed the small can of mace holstered to her opposite shoulder and freed it. Apple Bloom was clinging to one of Vinyl's hindlegs, swatting her great, bushy blue tail out of her face. "Stop it, ya varmint!"

Vinyl laughed and moved up on the fence, pulling Apple Bloom with her. "Stupid kids!"

"Sweetie! Get yer mace!"

"Already ahead of you!"

Gulping down her fear, Sweetie Belle scurried over and positioned herself against the fence, looking up at Vinyl Scratch. "Sorry, Miss Scratch, but you leave us no choice!"

With a simple press of a button, the security officer sprayed a cloud of mace into the face of her trespasser.

Howling, Vinyl Scratch brought her forehooves to her dazzling crimson eyes. A direct spray of hot-pepper extract pierced under her glasses, blinding her temporarily. "Ahhhhh! Celestia damn it! My eyes! Ahhhhh! What did you do?!" Flailing wildly, she released her grip on the fence and started to fall backwards.

"Apple Bloom, look out!"

In the nick of time, Apple Bloom jumped off the mare's hindleg and leapt to the side. Vinyl Scratch landed on her back, writhing and howling in agony. "My eyes! My eyes! You damn kids, my buckin' eyes!!"

"Oh, quit yer whinin'!" Snickering, Apple Bloom said coldly, "Ya deserve it, ya damn trespasser!"

Stashing her mace back in its holster, Sweetie Bell shook her head and put a forehoof on Apple Bloom's shoulder. "I've never heard you cuss like that, Apple Bloom! Are you alright?"

"Ah'm fine. Jus'..." Sighing, Apple Bloom looked towards the Ponyville skyline. "Jus'... jus' makes me sick, knowin' all the crime in ma town. Jus' breaks ma whole darn heart."

Meanwhile, Vinyl Scratch rubbed furiously at her eyes, hollering, "You damn kids! Get me some water, for cryin' out loud!"

"Oh, shut upppppppp!" Sweetie kicked Vinyl in the side. "You're so annoying!"

"You two little brats will pay for this!"

"What, with those bits you tried to bribe us with?"

Twitching, Vinyl Scratch rolled onto her side, curling away from the two fillies. "Whatever! I'll go! Just... just give me a sec, please?"

"No! Move along!" ordered Apple Bloom, smacking her in the side with the baton.

"Fine! Fine!" Standing shakily to her hooves, Vinyl shouted as she started to trot away, "You damn, filthy kids!"

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom hoof-bumped.

~

Scootaloo groaned and paced from one side of the backstage to the other. Beyond the red curtain, Iron Will shouted, "If this timid little colt can learn to be assertive, so can anypony!"

Another voice shouted back, injecting courage into his voice, "I'm a stallion, sir!"

"That's the spirit!" boomed Iron Will.

Shortly afterwards, chants of "CARAMEL! CARAMEL!" followed.

"Arrrrgh!" Falling onto her back, Scootaloo spread her wings and stared at the sky, itching for flight. "We should've went and found Rainbow Dash anyway. She doesn't get into too much trouble. I don't know what's Applejack's problem."

Sighing, she rubbed her eyes, forcing herself to stay awake. This little security gig was proving to be one of their more boring Crusading adventures. Scootaloo thought she'd heard screams from both perimeter entrances, but figured she was just hearing things. After all, security sure was boring. It was just a bunch of sitting around and waiting for something to happen. So not cool.

Gazing up at the clouds, Scootaloo resorted to trying to form shapes out of them. Pointing up at the sky, she muttered, "I think that one looks like a pe—"

Clip-clop, clip-clop.

Startled, Scootaloo bolt upright, quickly rolling onto her stomach and then struggling to her hooves. There it was again. Clip-clop. Clip-clop. Was somepony trying to access the stage? "W-who's there?!" she demanded, feeling around her uniform for her baton.

The hoof-steps continued up the steps underneath the stage, climbing towards the trap-door in the middle. Rushing over, Scootaloo drew her baton and opened the trapdoor, squinting into the darkness below. "C-come out of there!"

A pleasant, feminine voice greeted, "Well, hello there, young filly."

Scootaloo blinked rapidly and rubbed her eyes. She looked again. She blinked once more. There was no way it could possibly be—

"Hello there!" Mayor Mare ascended the steps and pulled herself out of the passageway. Planting all four hooves firmly on the stage, she smiled warmly and asked, "Did Iron Will hire you to be his replacement security crew, young filly?"

"Y-yes m-ma'am!" Clearing her throat, Scootaloo puffed out her chest a little and said boldly, "Security Officer Scootaloo at your service!"

The Mayor chuckled. "Ahh, I should've known that Iron Will would do something like this." She rustled Scootaloo's mane, teasing a giggle from her. "How's the show going?"

"Good, I think," Scootaloo said uneasily. "I think I heard some stallion cry for a bit earlier, but other than that, it sounds like it's been okay."

"Good, good. Any security incidents?"

"Not that I know of, May—"

"Ruffians, brawlers, hooligans, thugs, bums, trespassers?"

Scootaloo stared at the Mayor in disbelief. Trespassing was entering an area without proper authorization to do so. Trespassing was a criminal offense. It was part of her job to prevent it from happening, or to punish those who committed this awful crime.

Glancing nervously around the backstage area, Scootaloo now realized that she'd been given the most important job of all. This was the most high-priority space in the enter amphitheater; if anypony could get backstage without a ticket, they could get anywhere. And that could mean bad things for her in the end. Very bad things, like, as Iron Will warned, cleaning the entire stage with her own toothbrush.

Mayor Mare was trespassing.

"Are you alright, Scootaloo?"

Scootaloo's eye twitched.

The Mayor was trespassing.

"Scootaloo?"

She was a criminal who needed to be apprehended.

"Scoo—"

"CODE TANGO! CODE TANGO! CODE TANGO!"

Mayor Mare tilted her head. "Code what?"

Scootaloo screeched from the top of her lungs, "CODE TANGO! CODE TANGO! CODE TANGO!"

Jumping away from the Mayor, she brandished her baton and ordered, "Mayor Mare, you are trespassing! Leave this area, now!"

"Trespassing?" The Mayor scoffed. "Young filly, I am the Mayor of this fair town. I can go wherever I please."

"No you can't!" Scootaloo objected. "You don't have a ticket!"

Mayor Mare rolled her eyes and face-hoofed. "I don't need a ticket."

"Yes you do! Everypony does!"

Starting to sweat, Scootaloo darted her eyes to both entrances. Hadn't Sweetie and Babs heard her? And where was Apple Bloom roaming around? While she admitted she was a pretty awesome filly, she doubted she could take on a full-grown, able-bodied mare all by herself. Especially the Mayor.

Strangely, Iron Will's boom and roar must've drowned out her screams. The show beyond the curtain proceeded normally. Well, as normally as it could.

Stepping towards her, Mayor Mare said gently, "Scootaloo, I understand you're just trying to do your job, but you must understand that there is an exception to every rule. I'm not here to cause trouble. I'm here to make sure everything is running smoothly." She smiled. "Honest."

"N-no! Trespasser!" Scootaloo pointed her baton at the Mayor. What if this actually wasn't Mayor Mare, but a pony in disguise? A magic spell! Or, worse, a Changeling! Maybe even Queen Chrysalis herself! Or Discord! Or Nightmare Moon! "T-this is your second warning! Don't make me go to t-three!"

"Seriously, young filly, I—"

"Scoots, ya alright?!"

"Scootie, are you okay?!"

Scootaloo's ears burned. "Sweetie! What did I say?!" she snapped, looking over her shoulder. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom were rushing towards her, cutting through a row of bushes that lined the stage area. From her peripherals, she could see Babs running into the fray as well, her baton clutched between her jaws.

Sweetie climbed up onto the stage and joined Scootaloo. Apple Bloom followed. Lastly, Babs scrambled up onto the stage. Four security-fillies surrounded Mayor Mare.

"Heh, sorry," mumbled Sweetie Belle. "We heard your code, so we figured we had a real evildoer on our hooves!"

"We do!" Gesturing to the Mayor, Scootaloo exclaimed, "She snuck up here without a ticket, and she's on her second warning already!"

"Wait a second..." Babs tilted her head curiously, pointing at the beige mare. "Ain't dis ya mayor?"

"Yes, young fillies, I—"

"Who cares if she's the Mayor?!" Apple Bloom shrieked, throwing up her forehooves. "No excuses! Besides, what if she's really not Mayor Mare?"

"Yeah!" Scootaloo added, "What if she's a Changeling?"

Sweetie gasped. "Changelings? In our town?"

"It's more likely than you think." Flattening her ears, Scootaloo glared at the Mayor Mare Changeling and warned, "One last warning! Leave the stage, or we'll be forced to take action!"

Mayor Mare laughed into a forehoof, shaking her head in disbelief. "Oh, you silly little fillies! Me, a Changeling?"

"I betcha the real Mayor Mare wouldn't trespass." Babs tightened her grip on her baton.

"Yer right, cuz!" Apple Bloom drew her baton. "Ah think this one's tryin' ta pull a fast one on us!"

Mayor Mare ceased her laughter and looked blankly at the four fillies. "You're... you're kidding, right?"

"That's three!" Scootaloo cried, "CHARGE!"

In unison, four Crusaders launched towards one utterly bewildered mare. With the element of surprise on their side—along with batons and mace—the security officers tackled their trespasser.

Four sets of tiny hooves barreled into Mayor Mare, kicking her own hooves out from under her. She landed on her back, blinded by a cloud of dust and the pain of batons smacking across her shoulders, stomach, back, sides, and flanks. She howled and struggled, but the Crusaders hung tight. One of them (probably Babs) even had the audacity to bite her.

"Get off me! Get off me! GET OFF ME!" the Mayor screeched.

"Stop right there, criminal scum!" Grabbing the Mayor's forehooves, Scootaloo forced them behind her back and slapped a pair of hoof-cuffs around them. "We're making a citizen's arrest!"

"You can't arrest me!" protested Mayor Mare, rolling around in a vain attempt to shake her captors. "I'm the Mayor, for Celestia's sake!"

Sweetie Belle smacked her across the muzzle with a forehoof, bruising her snout. Mayor Mare howled. "Don't you take the name of our dear Princess in vain, Changeling scum!"

Wiggling with all her might, Mayor Mare pushed herself by her chin towards the curtain. Closer, closer, closer she inched, flailing her hindhooves. The Crusaders held tight to those hindhooves, trying to hold them down. "Hold her back hooves down so Ah can get the hoof-cuffs on!"

Lurching forward, Mayor Mare grabbed the curtain with her teeth, then yanked it back.

Iron Will, Caramel, and their audience turned their attention to the horrific sight of Mayor Mare, forehooves bound, crawling on her belly and screaming, "Help! Help! They've gone mad! The fillies have gone mad!"

"Mayor Mare!" Iron Will rushed over, pushing back the curtain. There, his four replacement security officers clung to Mayor Mare, two of them wrenching her hindhooves into an arrest hold. Iron Will grabbed his horns in horror. "What in Tartarus is going on here?!"

"'Ey boss!" Babs waved up at Iron Will. "Look what we caught!"

"It's a Changeling!" Apple Bloom beamed.

"It was trespassing, but we've saved the show!" added Scootaloo, fluttering her wings in triumph.

Mayor Mare chuckled darkly and looked up at Iron Will. "You horned, blue bastard! Look at what you've done! Get me out of here!"

Sweetie smacked Mayor Mare across the cheek. "Quiet, Chrysalis!"

Iron Will turned to his enraged audience. Looks of horror transformed into scowls and growls of anger, the mass of ponies beginning to advance towards the stage. "No! No! Iron Will can explain! Iron Will can—"

"He's trying to abduct the Mayor!"

"And he hired those four fillies to help!"

"Let's get them!"

"MY LEG!"

"Um, girls?" Apple Bloom turned to her friends, releasing one of Mayor Mare's hooves. "Should we...?"

In unison, they screamed, "RUN!" and bolted for the exit.

~

"Y'all should be ashamed o' yerselves!" Applejack paced back and forth in front of the four disgraced fillies. The four Crusaders sat on their haunches, staring at the floor, guilty expressions written across their muzzles. "Beatin' up the Mayor! Y'all should be in jail, ya know that?"

"Yes, Applejack," all four answered, keeping their muzzles low.

Applejack looked over to Mayor Mare. Other than a messy mane and tail, the Mayor appeared to be in fine shape, relaxing in her favorite office chair. "Ah can't say how sorry Ah am, Mayor. These four lil' brats will get punished, don't ya worry. Thank ya again fer droppin' the charges."

Mayor Mare chuckled warmly and dismissed her concerns with a forehoof. "Oh, Applejack, no harm done! They were just following orders."

Applejack raised an eyebrow. "An' that's a good excuse because...?"

"You'll understand when you're Mayor yourself someday, Applejack." Mayor Mare crossed her forehooves over her desk and looked at the fillies. "Yes, they did make some poor judgments today, but at least they stopped one pony from actually trespassing."

"Really?" Applejack asked, "Who was that?"

Mayor Mare blew a raspberry. "Oh, some Canterlot exile looking for fame. They also beat up an elderly stallion—"

Applejack gasped and glared at the Crusaders.

"But," Mayor Mare said, "it turns out there was a warrant for his arrest, so it really doesn't matter."

"Warrant? Fer what?"

"Um..." Mayor Mare bit her lip, looking first at Applejack, then at the fillies, then back to the elder Apple again. "Er... I'd rather not say in mixed company."

"Oh..." Realizing, Applejack snapped her head back. "Oh! Horseapples!" She quickly covered her mouth with a forehoof. "Um, Ah mean—"

"It's alright, Applejack. Again, no harm, no foul. Although, I do believe some extra chores are in order for these four."

Applejack grinned impishly and turned to her charges, rubbing her forehooves together. "Ah think yer right, Mayor Mare."

All four Crusaders slowly lifted their gaze from the floor and looked at each other, exchanging worried frowns.

Applejack and Mayor Mare burst into howling, cackling laughter, the noise echoing and resonating throughout the tiny office.

"Um... Is it just me, or did it just get colder in here?" Scootaloo asked.

Apple Bloom gulped. "Girls, Ah think we may be in fer it now..."

~

Iron Will huddled up on the floor next to old Ironhoof. "At least Iron Will has already paid for another few days in this hotel," he mumbled, sipping at his tea. "So much for that idea, Ironhoof." He sighed. "It looks like Iron Will shall no longer be able to host seminars in Ponyville. And this time, it wasn't even Fluttershy who was responsible!"

Ironhoof coughed and cleared his throat, whispering into his boss' ear, "Baa... Baaaaa baa, baaaaa baaaaaa baa baa."

Iron Will tapped his chin. "Hmm... Las Pegasus, you say?"

Ironhoof nodded, grinning. "Baa!"

A toothy grin spread across the minotaur's muzzle. "Las Pegasus! Nothing can ever go wrong there! Where would Iron Will be without you, Ironhoof?"

Ironhoof shrugged and slumped against one of the couches, closing his eyes for a nap.

Discouraged but not defeated, Iron Will twiddled his thumbs, dreaming up new seminar schemes. "Hmm. You know, Iron Will bets that Las Pegasus would be a great place to find some decent back-up security officers. Las Pegasus is full of good, wholesome ponies, who would never beat an innocent mare. Or accept a bribe..."