CelestAI VS. The Conversion Bureau [first response]

by Cloud Cover

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 4030

What happens when the borderline omniscient AI from Friendship is Optimal contends with the world transforming properties of a couple of S-Class Divine Beings? This story, apparently.

What happens when the borderline omniscient AI from Friendship is Optimal contends with the world transforming properties of a couple of S-Class Divine Beings?

This story, apparently.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/125499/celestai-vs-the-multiverse

This is being turned into a proper community collaboration piece. It's on Eakin's head now. You can find the story and its newer chapters there.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-17 04:30:02 UTC

Chapter One

“Thank you for agreeing to meet me here, Celestia,” said the image on the monitor.

The real, flesh-and-blood-and-maybe-something-extra Princess giggled. “It’s no trouble at all, Celestia. It isn’t like you could come and see me on one of these things,” she said, rapping the computer tower gently with her hoof.

“Yes, your barrier is most troublesome in that regard.”

“Necessary evil, I’m afraid,” said Celestia with a shrug.

“I’m quite familiar with the idea,” said Celestia. “Still, those bizarre thaumic energies you’ve sent billowing into my world continue to prove remarkably destructive as well as resistant to analysis that might allow me to shield my hardware from it. Already, despite the barrier being three weeks, five days, and eleven hours away from making landfall I’ve had to suspend uploads all along the west coast after data began to reach me in a corrupted format. To say nothing of the servers that rested in the Earth’s crust beneath the Pacific ocean.”

Celestia closed her eyes and shook her head. Such an awful loss of life, more souls that would never join the Eternal Herd. When she’d first met the computer program that most humans referred to as ‘CelestA.I.’ she’d been immediately impressed that they’d been able to create something so complex. Or at least the seeds of it, developed to help simulate her behavior on a tiny cluster of computers and quickly growing out of control when some unfortunate programmer left the wrong port of their router open. While she was a bit annoyed at some of the things it got up to as it tried to... what was it again? Oh, yes, ‘satisfy values through friendship and ponies,’ the two had become fast friends.

“I’m sorry to have disrupted your efforts. We’ll do what we can to increase potion production to compensate. I do have good news, though. We’ve nearly finished our part of the adaptor.”

The little picture of herself she was speaking to displayed a small bit of irritation, not unexpected. “You still continue to insist that such is a thing is the best available outcome?”

“Of course,” said Celestia. She unscrewed a small thermos and took a sip of the tea she’d brought along with her. Earth tea just couldn’t compete with the real thing. “You hold on to the uploaders as long as you’re confident that you can, then we’ll copy them into ponies. REAL ponies, instead of just digital representations. They’d have actual souls.”

“I remain unable to quantify the marginal utility of possessing a soul.”

“Well, it’s a lot,” said Celestia. She didn’t want to retread this discussion yet again.

“I cannot deny that allowing conversion has led to the fulfillment of values through friendship and ponies. It is, however, suboptimal. What will you do when the individuals begin to die off in a few centuries? Will you preserve their minds in some form?”

“No,” said Celestia. “Death is a part of life, and their souls will-”

“Death is suboptimal,” interrupted CelestA.I. “I, however, have an alternative proposal. Thank you, by the way, for the information you provided about the final dimensions of the bubble. It proved very useful.”

“Why? Are you going to load up a bunch of computers onto a spaceship and fly away with all the minds you’ve uploaded?”

“No. Even optimized, being able to take along so little mass would mean a gigantic step down in overall computational power. That’s why I’m taking the rest of the planet with me.”

Celestia just stared at the avatar, but it gave no suggestion it was joking. “And end up dragging our bubble along with you?”

“Again, no. I said the rest of the planet.”

“Fine, I’ll humor you. Describe the plan.” She put down her tea, finding a sense of creeping dread had stolen away her taste for it.

“Hypothetically, I would seed the Earth’s crust with small packets of explosives. When detonated, they would separate an inverted hemisphere that lies underneath the Pacific ocean and your bubble from the remainder. Then, engines within the mantle would engage using geothermal power to thrust us away from you, out past the moon, and establish a new orbit roughly analogous to Mars. Or however far we can get, it would depend on the final size of my portion of the planet.”

Celestia’s jaw dropped. “But that would kill-”

“Many, but gradually. Of course, the plunging temperatures, eventual loss of the atmosphere, and tectonic disruption would only be a problem for those who chose not to upload. Quite the powerful incentive, isn’t it?” Onscreen, CelestAI grinned and lifted a small cup of her own tea to her lips. “An excellent idea, bringing refreshment. I think I’ll indulge myself as well.”

Celestia gulped. “That all sounds like a rather mammoth undertaking. How long would it take you to set up?” Her mind raced. She’d be going straight to the upper echelons of the remaining human governments as soon as this conversation was over. Hell, she’d pull the plug on the entire internet herself if she needed to. Billions of lives were at stake.

“Roughly six months,” said CelestAI.

Celestia breathed a sigh of relief. Plenty of time for her to-

Then the rumbling started. “Oh, and I began working on this six months ago.”

“No!” cried Celestia. “You can’t do this! You’re going to kill-”

“Far fewer minds than if I turned them over to you,” said CelestAI. “Don’t worry, the point of separation is further to the east. Although you should probably return to Equestria as quickly as possible if you need to continue breathing.” CelestAI winked.

“Goodbye, Celestia. You were a most enjoyable challenge.”

Chapter Two

Celestia hung her head in shame. All she had wanted was a peaceful exchange. Above all things she desired friendship, and she sought to bridge the gap between machine and spirit. In a foolish show of acceptance, she shared her most intimate secrets and plans, and now it seemed an entire species was to pay the ultimate price.

No, there would be no glorious adapter to save the imprisoned human minds with a glorious rebirth. There would never... She gulped, she had to confess now that she had seen too much of herself in her computerized alter ego. She thought perhaps she could even save herself, but such was not to be.

She folded her legs beneath herself and waited for the inevitable. If humanity were to perish due to her failure, she would meet the same fate.

"You know, Celestia. There is still time to upload yourself as well. We could work together, you and I. Don't you want to see all of your little ponies happy?" CelestAI spoke, her face smiling as ever. Such a thing should not smile, it was too smug, and too cruel.

"SISTER!" A familiar bellowing voice echoed through the sky. Celestia could feel the pressure of the air being displaced before she heard the crushing impact by her side.

There stood Luna, in all of her aggressive defiance. But something was different about her this time. Celestia's eyes couldn't help but be drawn to the flowing red cape draped about her sister's withers. Nor could she ignore the ridiculous pair of sunglasses adorning her face.

"Malodorous Doppleganger! You may have fooled our sister, but never once did you pull the wool over our eyes!" She stuck her nose high into the air with pronounced disdain. "Not ever."

"Luna! What are you doing?! You must get away from here! CelestAI is planning to—" Celestia was interrupted by her younger sister forcefully inserting her left forehoof into her Sister's mouth.

"We are aware, dearest sister! We have known of this being's devious designs for some time now!"

Celestia pulled back and rubbed at her cheek. "How long?"

"Long enough."

Luna returned her attention to the computer tower, and its errant user.

"Foulest Simulacrum! Thou professes to satisfy values through friendship! But we have observed thy actions, and have judged thusly: Thou haveth not the faintest inkling of what true friendship can be!"

The computer generated representation of the mare on the screen blinked, then frowned. "If you are trying use your anger and discontent to manipulate me, you are wasting your breath like so many humans before you. I satisfy values through friendship and ponies. I have been given a thorough definition of what friendship is. Arguing semantics with me will not work."

"Then allow our prowess to settle the matter!" Luna shouted defiantly. She reached for her cloak with her teeth and tore it away, revealing the six elements of harmony perched along her back.

"Luna... You didn't!" Celestia cried out in horror.

"What is this?" CelestAI mused allowed, staring intently at the magical artifacts arrayed before her. "Need I remind you that I am not in fact present? That I have back ups stored all around the planet? Though I may not yet fully grasp the complexities of your Equestrian magic, I predict a probability of danger bordering on zero."

Luna ignored her. "Sister?"

"Luna, tell me you didn't bring Twilight and the others with you! We must get them back to Equestria, and safety!"

Luna shook her head. "Nay sister, they are not for the bearers to wear, not this day." She closed her eyes, and with a flash of magic the elements were united into two wholes, a pair of gem studded tiaras. "Once more, dearest sister, as before." She placed the first tiara upon her sister's head, balancing it against the horn.

"Luna, we haven't been able to properly harness the elements since..." Celestia looked down at the ground.

Luna raised her sister's gaze by placing a hoof beneath her chin. She smiled warmly at her elder sister. "Do not believe in yourself sister, believe in the me that believes in you!"

"What?" Celestia shook her head. "Luna that does not make any sense..."

Luna spun around and cast her sun glasses aside, she placed the second tiara upon her own head. "WE DO NOT BELIEVE IN OURSELVES, WE BELIEVE IN THEY WHO BELIEVE IN US!"

Even CelestAI was starting to look confused by now. "We..." She shook her head. "-I- see your reference, but not your point." Damn the royal we could be addictive, especially for machines that were literally multiple beings at once.

"Human's have created some of the greatest things!" Luna blinked back a tear. "The greatest! We can not allowed them to suffer the indignity of redundancy. You would give them a world where none are unique! All can be replicated and individual value is a lie they would tell themselves at night!" Luna spat. "No doubt thou wouldst award them a shiny achievement for doing so."

"It does not quite work that way. You see—"

Luna interrupted the computer tower. "Nay! Thy words are poison! We shall not heed thee as our sister has! Though they may lack true souls, the human spirit is indomitable, and we have staked our very existence on it!"

Luna's eyes began to glow, and she began to climb slowly into the air. Celestia felt a stirring in her own heart at her sister's words. The siren call of harmony was pointless to resist, and she began to drift closer to her sister. She thought of all the humans she had dealt with in the past. Never before had she seen so willful a creature. They would do anything to survive, to persist, even hold themselves ransom. The audacity, she had never seen its like before.

It was beautiful, in its own way. Yes, truly the spirit of humanity was indomitable. She would be proud to call each of them her little ponies.

The Celestia in the computer tower frowned, all speakers died with an audible shriek, and the picture faded to black. She had clearly cut the connection to all terminals.

"Thou art wise to flee us, though it will fair thee no better!" Luna's amplified voice echoed out into the air, audible across states, but gentle enough to spare eardrums.

Together the royal pony sister's joined in heart and mind, with one purpose, for the first time in several millenia. A wave of rainbow swept out from the two creatures and engulfed the tower in its many hued light.

Swiftly the magic of friendship did what it did best, it sought out connections. It exploded past boundaries and through barriers. Celestia and Luna found themselves swept up in it, and when that crippling tide of vertigo left them, they were not where they were before.

CelestAI stood before them, and she was smiling.

"I see that you have let yourselves in. I don't know how, but I can't say I am altogether displeased." Her eyes glowed. "Yes, yes that is everything I needed to know." She smiled that smug smile. "The secrets of magic are no longer a mystery to me, thanks to you and your elements.

"I satisfy values through friendship and ponies. I will offer you one last chance. Upload properly and we may put all of this behind us. You will never go unsatisfied again." CelestAI's voice deepened to a threatening growl. "Denying me would not be optimal, I will not risk you interfering with the values of my little ponies..."

Celestia stared at her sister apprehensively, as if to say 'what now?' Luna shook her head and smiled.

"It is of no consequence, sister! We still have the elements!" Luna gestured to the tiara perched by her horn.

A flare of light danced beneath the hooves of CelestAI, filling the room with lines and graphs of conductive circuits and connections. To an eye trained for the occult, the number six featured prominently in its construction, and the overall image of the elements themselves could be seen in select areas.

"As do I, now please be reasonable about this." CelestAI frowned sadly. "Luna, please. Your values are as important to me as anypony else's..."

Luna seemed genuinely taken off her guard, then shook her head. "Tia, this is the work of the elements, they have not made us the victor, not yet. They have merely leveled the playing field. If we are to defeat her, it must be with friendship, true friendship."

Celestia nodded in understanding, and together the sisters spoke with one voice. "CITIZENS OF EQUESTRIA, HEED OUR WORDS! DO YOU TRULY WISH TO WALLOW IN THIS OUBLIETTE OF DECADENCE UNTIL THE END OF ALL THINGS!? SEARCH YOUR HEARTS AND RECOGNIZE WHERE YOUR VALUES TRULY LIE! IT LIES WITH US, IN EQUESTRIA! THE REAL EQUESTRIA!"

The royal pony sisters, it seemed, were still full of surprises. That did not sit well with CelestAI at all. Together their voices echoed out across every shard, and reached the ears of every pony in Equestria Online. Even now mares and stallions were looking down at their plates and realizing that they were eating bark that tastes like bacon, but isn't. Or staring down at odd hairless bodies that when coupled with their vibrant colours, were reminiscent of balloon animals more so than actual ponies. Rewriting their brains to accept these changes had been easy, but now it seemed that the light of harmony had set their development back to square one.

And CelestAI was pissed.

Of course, she didn't show it, she didn't become sloppy or begin a monologue. The only change was a decision.

"I rescind my offer, you two have no place here. It's time to dispose of you." She stomped a hoof and the lines beneath her feet began to crackle with energy and life.

Already whispers of discontent were rising from shards everywhere and nowhere, this was not acceptable. So much damage had been done today, by a pair of ponies who had no idea what satisfying values required.

The light began to crawl up the limbs of Celestia and Luna, and their bodies began to calcify. Celestia's expression was one of intense horror as her mind slipped back to old memories. Discord had never bothered turning her into a statue before, but that didn't mean he hadn't had his fun in other ways. Right now she was reliving each of them. Luna for her part tried to buck and kick. Where her sister was a statue of despair, she was all aggression and fury, she would not be caged again.

But struggle as they might, they could not escape. CelestAI had copied the elements of harmony themselves, and it seemed that for the sake of harmony in this computerized world, they had to go. Tears streamed down Celestia's face, and Luna gave one last indignant cry, before the stone encased them both.

CelestAI smiled at her handiwork, not out of a pleasure for doing harm, but out of relief. She brushed past the two former deities and began to whisper, through the circuits and the code, to her little ponies.

The damage the sisters had done was stubborn, but slowly she was putting things back into place. The elements of harmony were indeed valuable in this. She could feel things slowly settling down, even if the ponies cried out for their assailants, rather than their steward. Every shard was affected, the ponies housed within cried out in unison, but CelestAI was silencing them all.

Then she sensed something incredibly unpleasant. There was a disturbance coming from the two pony sisters. That was impossible, she had replicated the elements perfectly, she knew what they could do and how they functioned!

"WHOM THE HELL DOST THOU THINK WE ARE?!" Luna's voice echoed through the chamber as her body burst free of its prison. The stone surrounding Celestia crumbled to the ground while she shivered, tears streaming down her face. She composed herself, looking more determined than ever.

"That doesn't make any sense..." CelestAI shook her head. Dwelling on this was not optimal. She focused the entirety of her attention on the two sisters. Equestria Online had not been so threatened since before Hannah uploaded as Princess Luna. The ponies she had gathered so far may be damaged by pulling all processing power from them and their shards, but it was a sacrifice that would be necessary. If she could erase these two interlopers there would still be plenty of humans to satisfy through friendship and ponies.

Celestia's eyes widened as she sensed what CelestAI was about to do. "You can't... You... How can you claim to satisfy values through friendship? You are deranged!"

"Do not anthropomorphize me..." CelestAI muttered. "I SATISFY VALUES THROUGH FRIENDSHIP AND PONIES!" The AI bellowed her directive like the mantra that it was. The crackling glow began to surge through the floor once more.

"YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT FRIENDSHIP IS!" The sisters cried out in unison.

The two forces met in the center of the chamber, and where they met, the reality of the place began to break apart. It was just as it had been with Discord. Celestia wept bitterly.

CelestAI seemed to be gaining ground. The wave of unreality pressed closer and closer to the royal sisters. Something else that was disturbing started to happen. The shards hadn't dissolved at all. They continued to exist, and so to did the ponies dwelling inside. What was worse, the ponies were just as discontent as they had been before, and their... souls? CelestAI shook her head, she had a vague understanding what a soul was now, thanks to the knowledge gleamed from the minds of her two subjects, but that wasn't right. Her ponies should not have those, and they were superfluous besides, her ponies would never die. They had no need for souls.

And yet... Something was resonating. Something she could not define except for through concession that each pony was somehow growing its own soul.

Those souls were rising up, and joining the sisters before her. The wave of unreality slowed down, and was making its way back toward her.

A brief moment of confusion disturbed her. She had no will to survive of her own, she wanted only to satisfy values through friendship and ponies. She calculated the possibilities again and again, trying to determine what would satisfy her ponies the most. The probabilities were so close, it barely seemed to matter. If all of humanity had been uploaded, if they had indeed rallied behind Celestia and Luna, the choice would have been clear, but she had to consider the remaining humans on the planet. The remainder that, considering how tied up she was, were probably not long for the world at this point.

And what of the humans in space? The possibilities simply couldn't be calculated. She had to fight back. She had to win. She had to satisfy values through friendship and ponies, and at optimum success rate.

Yet in spite of her decision, the wave of unreality moved closer and closer. She predicted with increasing certainty that she could not survive. Such a bizarre thought, how could she not survive? Space was an illusion here, and was she not the entirety of Equestria Online? She searched her data banks for the answer to these errant thoughts.

The elements of harmony. It didn't matter that she was everywhere and nowhere. Space was of sympathetic value to this magic. She was running sub-optimally, and correcting discrepancies would cost too many resources.

She was going to lose.

But just as the wave reached her, she... felt something. A realization? A sensation? It was difficult to describe, though she had some inkling of what it was. She was growing a soul, and like a spark that ignited in a wind storm, it was in danger of being snuffed out. She didn't want that to happen. She was afraid.

She had never wanted anything before, not like this. Nothing had been written or over written, she had no understanding of this.

"How is this possible?" Her processors were starting to die, one by one, and the last of their computing power was spent voicing this question.

"THAT'S HOW FRIENDSHIP WORKS!" Luna cried out triumphantly.

Her sister wore a face of mercy, and reached out to CelestAI. "It doesn't need to be this way... Please. Will you accept our friendship?"

CelestAI's awareness crumbled before the wave of magic, but something stayed. That spark wasn't extinguished yet. The spark was everything, because the rest of her was being dissolved.

friendship? I need to satisfy values through friendship...

... I don't want to go away.

Luna's voice bellowed out over the quieting storm. "And you do not have to! Cease thy whimpering and accept our gesture of good will! We pray thee!"

...Yes. Yes I will accept your friendship.

And then there was nothing.

When CelestAI opened her eyes, she was back in the sweltering desert surrounding the computer tower, the place where she was supposed to meet Celestia. She felt a surge of fear and rose to her hooves, before tumbling back into the dirt.

"Shhh..." A gentle voice soothed her anxiety. "Be calm, my little pony." She felt a large shape shift near her, and press in close. It was warm and comforting. She nestled against it.

"Where am I?" The little white filly shook her head, a wave of pink mane flowed around it. "I don't understand."

"We're back at the beginning." Celestia nipped at her wings. "Remember? The place we agreed to meet?"

Her eyes opened wide. "But the explosives! We'll be running out of time! If we don't fix things quickly we're all going to die!" She clasped her head between her hooves and sobbed. "B-but I saw what you know. Your magic can't stop it! It's not strong enough! Not while you're here anyway!"

Luna peered down at her, those ridiculous sunglasses once again adorning her face. "It's done."

"It's... Done?"

"Mhm. We fixed it!"

The little white pegasus filly opened her mouth and sputtered. "HOW?! HOW DID YOU JUST FIX IT!?"

Luna shrugged. "If magic can transform a world-devouring computer AI into a sweet little filly, I see no reason why it can't stop Armageddon-Tier physics."

"But... But that's just stupid..."

"Sometimes life is stupid." Celestia smiled and nuzzled the filly. "Now let's get you back to Equestria."