My Little F***wits: Friendship is Weird

by Captain Princess

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Discord, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 44536

HUMANS-TURNED-PONIES OH GOD RUN FOR THE HILLS

RATED TEEN PURELY FOR ADULT LANGUAGE. NO CLOP AND GORE IS HIGHLY UNLIKELY.

In the Magical lands of Horsepun, two stallions have arrived in Ponyville under somewhat suspicious circumstances. They bear names and cutiemarks that seem to have no relevance to their destinies, which themselves do not appear to be very straight-forward at all. Plus, save for six specific mares, the rural town of Ponyville has generally been an earth-pony town. Though it has a small pegasus population due to it's local weather team, pegasi arriving by land is enough to draw attention. They won't mention where they're from, or what they plan to do in Ponyville. They only seem to say that they are "looking around".

Only adding to the curiosity, they seem to know more about the local townsfolk than they are letting on.

THE AWESOME COVERART SCENE WAS DRAWN BY THE WONDERFUL DINGOTK OVER AT DEVIANTART
DINGOTK

Rusty Servbot is no longer going to be involved. He has moved onto bigger and better things than ponafoctiun

THE TALE IS NOW COMPLETELY UNDER MY CONTROL ONCE MORE AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
WAIT NO IM NOT SURE I WANTED THAT

The Meta-joke is that meta-jokes aren't funny - RustyServbot

Published 2013-08-17 20:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-02 02:34:28 UTC

Chap 1: New Arrivals

It was what could be called the most generic of beautiful days in Ponyville. Birds were singing and flying, solo and in groups, to and fro above the thatched rooftops of the rural and rustic town, while it's residents bustled lazily below, getting to their various daily deeds. The town's stallions were nowhere to be seen amongst the homes, save for a select few, who were not in the fields or skies, working. Fillies and mares then were what roamed the town for the most part, tending to their window sill gardens, or getting daily groceries, or even spending leisure time amongst one another. There was nothing that deviated from the standard routine and monotony of the place, and that seemed to be how the residents liked it.

And then a train arrived at the town's station. There had been no train activity for some days, and so the platform was completely unoccupied. Not even the ponies whose jobs it was to attend the platform were there, the lull of repetition having given them and their bosses the idea that taking a day off work would do no harm. And so it didn't. Only two ponies emerged from the train, amidst the steam it caused, and were anypony there to witness it, they could easily have been conversing the entire journey, as they entered Ponyville, mid-conversation.

"And did you see the look of it? I could SWEAR I'd seen one before, but less...glittery. It looked like something out of a goddamn nightmare. A nightmare for children. Little children, with squishy hands and tubby faces and eeuuugh, drool..."

"Idunno, I've seen glittery balloons before. Alright so they were smaller ones, and I was huffing laughing gas out of them, but I tell you what man.."

"What"

"Breathing laughing gas from a balloon is a unique experience and...oh. Noone's here. Shouldn't there be someone here?"

"Isn't it somepony?"

"Yes but fuck you I'm not doing it. I already have reservations about even coming here."

"It was your idea!"

"This isn't Idiocracy okay!? I'm not the smartest man on the planet here, you are!"

"What? Me, smart? Are we sure about that?"

"No, but I'm rolling with it. Let's get into town atleast, the steam is making my fur matt."

"I'm surprised we even have fur. The things I've seen where ponies are drawn as being shiny...god, the things I've seen..."

"I know. You consistently show them to me."

The two finished their conversation without taking a single step further into town, and decided only to move once they were done talking. Since nopony was there to show them into town, they immediately got lost and found themselves entering the bathroom. The mare's room, to be exact, but they were unawares of this. The two new arrivals in Ponyville seemed oblivious to the bathroom facilities of mares and stallions. After making their way out, unabashed and seemingly confused, they managed to encounter the town proper, and it was an entirely different story.

The structure of the station platform had wonderful sound-absorbancy, because the town itself, at-least the quarter closest to the train station, was busy. There were stalls and their attendees, selling their wares, and customers looking to buy. Various curiosities and foodstuffs on display, with their sellers exhibiting a great display of patience and not shouting to the heavens above about the perfection and wonder that could be found in their apples or cherries and other fruits and vegetables. Not many were selling baked goods, however, and so the stall with a selection of pies and cakes stood out, and drew the attention of the newcomers, who in turn caught the eye of the orange freckled pony attending it. Looking to make a sale, she immediately waved a hoof at the two approaching her stall, making sure it was her wares they were headed towards.

"Howdy! Y'all get off the train? Ain't been no trains in-er-outta Ponyville in some days now! Y'all must be hungry an' ah reckon the train's eats ain't none too good!"

Applejack's excitement was mostly fake, afterall she was only selling apples and pastry, but on the other hoof, there was some genuine excitement in meeting new ponies. They had saddlebags, so they looked to be staying for some time.

"Wha-...I thought they were okay..." said one

"Haven't eaten" said the other, throwing some bits onto the stall table and sliding a pie toward him.

Applejack then noticed him have a little difficulty attacking the pie, as at first, he dangled his hoof above it, like he was going to poke at it. Then his companion, his friend? His friend jabbed him in the side and told him
"No you just eat it like this" and drove his muzzle into the pie, taking a bite and licking his face clean.

"I didn't know our tongues could do that" said the other, just before taking his first bite and doing the same.

"Neither did I" said the first, and it was in this time that they ate where Applejack got a good look at the two, ignoring their bizarre conversation.

The thinner pony was slender rather than athletic, sporting a unicornian build but lacking the horn and sporting wings. His coat, a rusty brown, was complemented with a dark-chocolate mane and tail, both in a rather straight and standard fashion, though his tail appeared to be sporting a feathered hairstyle at the rear side, giving it a slightly jagged look from the profile. Thick rimmed glasses sat on his muzzle, the temples and earpieces sitting below his actual ears, but adhereing firmly to his head all the same. His cutiemark was that of a rusted cog and nothing else. The cog was clearly brass, while the rust almost matched his coat. He barely walked, rather he simply trotted at walking pace, as if he were restraining himself on a constant basis. From his muzzle protruded some considerably large incisor teeth. It wasn't quite an overbite, but when his lips were parted, the word "goofy" would certainly cross your mind. His eyes, though partially obscured by his glasses, shared the colour of his mane and tail, and seemed to be the brightest part of him, save for his wings, which had outer-feathers of a brighter shade than the rest of him, and he kept them tightly folded agianst his sides. His accent was somewhat similar to her own, but still far closer to what she'd heard in a place like canterlot. It had hints of her home but was ultimately the big-city kind.

His companion, the thicker pony, was of a more vivid nature. Covered in a coat of bright yellow, close to the colour of a lemon's peel, he wore a purple vest with the back cut out, leaving plentiful space for his wings, which he didn't seem to keep fully folded. Though he was walking, his wings were kept atleast slightly flared. He too had the air of somepony keeping themselves under restraint. His mane and tail were two shades of green, with a leaf-like shade predominant and a lighter, paler highlighting running through in a single thick strand. They were also what some might call of a "feminine" look, but still giving him a somewhat brash appearance, with his tail curving at the tip but hanging just above the ground, and his mane hanging over his face and around his neck like a damp cloth. Overall, he looked almost wet somehow. He was also among the few of Equestria's stallion population with hooves of a different colour to his coat. His hooves were dark gray, and somewhat shiny, his fur clearly ending an inch or two above the tips of his legs. His purple vest featured dark pinstripes, three golden buttons, and a single small pocket, containing celestia-knows-what. His eyes were a pink-ruby colour, and aside from their colour, looked dull. Almost like he was always tired, or bored, despite his vocal and bodylanguage saying otherwise. He had a far more interesting accent to complement his surprisingly powerful voice. Even when he spoke softly, his voice almost boomed. His accent was curious, too. She'd not heard that accent very often at all, and only once recently, at one of those nightmare night celebrations. Didn't a colt from Trottingham sport that accent? What was his name? Squeaker? His cutiemark was slightly odd, too. It was what looked to be a glass of some kind. Thin below and wide at the top, with something blue in it, and an olive on a toothpick.

Just as the two had finished their pie, Applejack cleared her throat and caught their attention. For reasons she could not fathom, the two seemed stunned by this, and stared at her, wide-eyed and silent.
"Y'all got a place to stay here? Ah don't mean ta pry but ya look to be packed fer stayin' a while is all" she asked, already thinking of introducing them to her 5 friends for no other reason than all 6 of them had barely any new friends. Princess Twilight had insisted on staying in Ponyville after the crown debacle with that Sunset Shimmer mare, and all 5 others had agreed that, at the very least, the elements would definitely be safer back here in good ol' Ponyville. She rarely came out of her Treehouse nowadays though, and handled her current royal duties from there, opting to stay out of the public view for some reason or other. Scared of publicity, probably.

Applejack did not expect the immediate response however.

"NO FUCK YOU" blurted the rusty pegasus, at which point his yellow companion sat down and began to howl with laughter. His low booming voice was gone, replaced with a high-pitched, downright creepy cackle. Shortly after that outburst and laughing fit, the rusty stallion stuttered an apology and explained "I'm so sorry! I have that on a reflex right now."

Applejack was only surprised, and not offended.
"Whut's 'fuck'?" she asked, amused by the insane laughter of his friend, and even moreso by the surprised releif on the face of the rusty one as she asked it.

"Ah! Uhm, it's...it's a made up word! Yep! I made it up! Totally!"
"No he didn't!" shouted the yellow pony, getting up from the ground and shaking the dust off, but still chuckling.
"YES! Yes I did! WE did!" growled the rusty one, glaring knives at his friend.
"Yes. Ok yes we both mde it up. Credit where it's due, chumley" chuckled the yellow one.

"Whut's it mean?" asked Applejack, eager to get in on the joke. The two seemed at ease now, and their responses weren't as stifled and nervous.
"It's uh, it's it's its help me out man I don't know what to call it here" pleaded the rusty stallion, tapping his chin with a hoof.
"It's like bucking, but done with your rump instead of your hooves." which was technically true. Applejack didn't find the humour in this, but she assumed it was pegasus humour. She would bring it up with Rainbow at some point, and if it wasn't then it was clearly a Trottingham thing. They way they were speaking was odd, however. What to call it here? Did they speak another entire language? Twilight had told her some weeks after they first met Zecora that Zebras spoke another language, which had something to do with why she spoke in rhymes, but Applejack barely remembered any of that. It was part of Twilight's generally uninteresting and inane barrage of chatter about the rest of Equestria.

"Well alright. I'm Applejack of Sweet Apple Acres! What're yer names fellas?"

This seemed to elicit some apprehension from the two. Were they nervous about giving their names? That would be a silly notion, names were nothing more than a signifier as to who you were.

"Zegram?" said the rusty coloured stallion, offering his name with a quizzical tone. "And this here's...Lemon?" he said, gesturing towards his yellow friend.

"Zegram and Lemon?" asked Applejack. Okay, those names were slightly strange. She had no idea what a Zegram was or what it had to do with a rusted cog that sat on his flank, nor what lemons had to do with the drink-and-olive on the other. Then again, 'Lemon' did kind of look like one.
"Yeah...Yep that's us" said Zegram, and Lemon chimed in with a "Yeps".

"So, Y'all lookin fer a place ta stay? Or ya got plans already? Ponyville ain't that big a town, ya can hardly get lost." Applejack said with a chuckle.
"No, we've got no real plans. We're just..." said Lemon before Zegram cut him off.
"Lookin' around. We're just lookin' around."

"Lookin' around huh? Well, ah'd sure love ta give y'all the grand tour of the town, but ah gotta man this here Sweet Apple Acres apple stall. can't jus' leave it here ta show you fellas around now can I?"
"Unexpectedly non-cliche" said Zegram quietly, as the two trotted off into the town proper, leaving Applejack to tend to her apple stall. They passed by Big Mac, and resisted the urge to pester him as he was walking with quite some speed for a stallion of his size and temperment. As the two turned to watch him go, they stopped to notice him talking to Applejack, who then proceeded to canter over to them, rejoining them.

"See this is how they all start. Can't have it not start like this" said Lemon quietly, just before Applejack reached them. The almost smug, expectant looks they gave her were slightly jarring, as she ground to a halt just behind the two stallions.
"Got mah brother ta hold the stall fer me. Ah reckon ah know who y'all should come visit. 'Specially if'n y'all ain't got plans on where ta stay." she said, as she trotted ahead of them and led the way.

"So Lemon" said Zegram, quietly again, the two of them hanging some distance behind Applejack. "You've said you dig the southern accent right?"
"Yeah, one problem there mate" he replied. "This 'ere is the mare version. The real version."
"What do they even call it here?"
"Colt-cuddling."
"Isn't that basically pedophilia though?"

The two paused for a moment, and stared at eachother, a realization dawning on their minds.

"Horsepun is homophobic?" they said in unison

"What's homowhatnow?" asked Applejack, who had stopped also, her attention caught by their less than subtle revelation.

"Nevermind! Nevermind!" stuttered Zegram. "It's gu-stallion stuff" he ventured.

"Say whut now?" she huffed, now annoyed, and immediately Lemon jumped in.
"Yeah uhm, what he means is that we're just embarassed to talk about it to a mare is all!"

It looked like Applejack was atleast sated by this, and her annoyance was replaced, though she was clearly not amused. As the three continued their trot, they reached Rarity's boutique, and immadiately Lemon huffed.
"Oh wonderful." he knew what was likely to be coming, if the cliches continued to work. Atleast Zegram was effectively colour-coded.

"Wait here fellas, ah'll go in an' see if she's around" said Applejack, and trotted off into the building.

"She's not gonna dig your vest there." taunted Zegram.
"Fuck you I'm stylin' all over these country bumpkins" retorted Lemon, with just a hint of vitriol.
"You so stylin' you make my eyes hurt."
"'least I'm not naked."
"I'm a fucking horse, why the fuck am I going to wear clothes."
"Sex appeal motherfucker" said Lemon with a dramatic wing-flare.
"Do you even know how to fly?" asked Zegram.
"Do you?"
"nneeeeeehhhh!"

"Fellas! C'mere!" came from the doorway, and the two pegasi noticed Applejack infront of the doorway with the marble-coloured unicorn they both knew, and Lemon dreaded what he felt was coming.

Author's Note

I've never written a whole story before. My writing origin comes from 2 years of poorly studied script writing, and I only flourished in the visual sense.

This story is meant to be stupid and hopefully funny.
c:

Chap 2: A Rare Encounter

"Oh god" sighed Lemon. This was it. As the gleaming white pony approached them, they both saw her face change from a suspiciously fake visage of enthusiastic greeting to strain and a pained smile. They both also noticed she was staring straight at Lemon as this happened, and immediately, Lemon sighed and Zegram smiled, for they both knew his vivid apperance was going to illicit a makeover.

"This here's Mr. Zegram and Mr. Lemon" went the introductions from Applejack, holding out an indicative hoof.

"Look Rarity, I know you've a good eye for-" began Lemon, hoping to avoid it, but he was cut off by Rarity.

"You know me? We've not met have we? I'm sure I would remember somepony with your...specific style but-" who was in turn cut off by Zegram

"Yeraaahhh famous you know? Word gets around about you element bearers you know!" he said, hoping to cover for Lemon's slip up.

"But how comes y'all din't know it was me then?" quizzed Applejack, noticeably suspicious.

"Well we didn't want to assume any-" tried Lemon, but Applejack inquisitively cut him off, asking "Then how comes y'all assumed Rarity was Rarity?"

"HEY Rarity, haven't you noticed how horribly my friend here clashes with himself?"
"Wh-hey!"
"You really ought to fix that. Wouldn't want him running around Ponyville on his first day, so harsh on the eyes now would we?"

And that was it. IN a stroke of vicious genius, Zegram had diffused the situation, and sent Lemon into the pit. Lemon's vicious glare, accompanied by Rarity's signature "Wa-ha-haa!" gave Zegram a warm and fuzzy feeling in his warm and fuzzy chest, and he simply smiled happily back.

Outside, as Lemon was no doubt suffering at the hooves of the eagre fashionista, Applejack decided to get a little familiar with the newcomer.
"So Mr Zegram-"

"Just Zegram, please."

"So Zegram, where y'all from anyways. Y'all din't mention."

"Oh we're just lookin' around, you know. Sight seeing, basically." he replied, as nonchalantly as he could.

"That ain't what ah asked ya." she replied, with a hint of frustration.

"Yeah, I know."

"So y'all gon' tell me?"

"Nope."

"An' why's that?"

" 'tis a silly place. Supposedly the place was founded by some draquonikiss or something? I dunno, it's an old legend. In any case it left the town with a name that's completely unpronouncable." was his curt response, and with that Applejack reasoned she was going to get little else out of him. For the time being anyway.

"That don't make much sense but alright. Have it yer way fella. Watcha plan on seein' next?"

After a moment's thought, Zegram decided he would go the standard route in such affairs, as was dictated by the various stories he'd read before. And he decided to pile just a slight hint of theatrics ontop.

"It'd be an awesome honour to meet the rest of the bearers. You're all kinda celebrities you know."

"Welp, way ah reckon, Twilight's up in her Library all day so she ain't goin noplace anytime soon, an' ah reckon y'all don't wanna be grilled with more questions so early. Ain't got a clue where Rainbow's at most times, an' Pinkie's gonna wear y'all out with some party or other, so ah reckon next stop'd have to be Fluttershy. So y'all know us all huh?"

"Sorta. I've heard some things" said Zegram, monetarily shuddering at said things he'd heard, and seen. With a short flutter of his wings he put those thoughts at bay. Actually being in this place was getting constantly weirder, considering the headcanons. Oh lord the headcanons.

Inside the boutique was an entirely different and chaotic scene. Lemon was dragged in by his tail, which was surprisingly more painful that he'd imagined, and once they reached the inside of the boutique he immediately leapt for the door, only for it to be magically slammed in his face, and locked tight. Fretting, he struggled with the handles, going so far as to try and bite down on the brass, only to hurt his teeth in doing so. Behind him, the boutique erupted in a flying mess of dresses, ribbons, swatches, threads, needles and scissors, the sharper of which he deftly dodged as they whizzed around him. Flaring his wings in an attempt to gain flight, in the hopes that the roof would have an opening, he blindly shot upwards, only to slam himself into the ceiling of the lower floor, stunning himself and making himself perfectly pliable to Rarity's efforts.

"Now hold still dear this won't take long. Let's get you out of that garish purple vest and into something more fitting. Would you still like a vest, or are you open to suggestions?" asked Rarity, presiding over her dazed captive.

"Whu-?" was his entranced response. He barely noticed her, his head spinning from the impact, as rarity buzzed around him, sticking him with needles and wrapping cloth around him before taking it away again. It was only when her magic started tugging at his wings to pull them into a better place for measurements that he snapped back into reality. Lemon had just learned how a pegasus' wings were sensitive to touch, and immediately folded them tightly against himself.

"Watch it!" he barked, his strong voice now catching Rarity unawares.

"Oh my goodness! You startled me Mr lemon! You really must relax, this will be over soon enough. I'll make you quite the dapper stallion, you'll see."

"Look Rarity, I think there's been enough-" but agian, Lemon was cut off. The frequency of this was beginning to grate on his nerves.

"OH hush now Mr Lemon." was her curt assertion, as she affixed more cloth to him. "Hmm. Perhaps just a new vest would be best. I do love your Trottingham accent by the way. Very distinguished. I've not heard one as prominent as yours in all my days and it is most eloquent if I do say so myself."

And that was it. His ego flattered, Lemon settled down. "Well, if you say so." he smirked, adding more 'ponce' to his accent. Their idle chatter continued for a minute or two more, as Lemon was fitted with a new, near-identical vest but of a softer cloth and now green, in a shade matching his mane. Once it was fitted and closed, he gave his wings an experimental flap to see if he still had the same freedom of motion, and once satisfied that he had, the pair made their way back outside to the waiting pair.

"Well thanks for the directions anyway." said Zegram, as Rarity and Lemon emerged from the boutique. As he turned to them, and saw Lemon's new vest, he did not burst into laughter as he expected to. Rather he was simply surprised to find his vivid friend now less offensive to look at, and the bright yellow of his coat seemed less violently intense. As Applejack trotted away from them, he waved his hoof and decided to let his friend in on the new plan.

"So Applejack had to go tend to something at her farm, but she gave us directions to Fluttershy's place. Apparently she's the best bet for a pleasant visit." he said to the two.

"Fluttershy hm?" pondered Rarity, and then was struck by a thought. "Goodness me I nearly forgot! I had a spa appointment! Oh Aloe and Lotus will probably be annoyed if I were to show up so late...It's a shame Fluttershy hasn't found the time to join me as of late. I do so miss our spa evenings. Well, I have to dash off. I'd invite you two boys to join me for some pampering, but it seems you have plans. Do tell me if you plan to visit the spa at any time however. I'd be glad to treat you both to a good pampering from Ponyville's finest! Toodles!"

"Toodles?" asked Zegram, to nopony in particular, as Rarity also trotted off.

"I unno. She liked my accent." said Lemon, mixing subtlety with overt pride.

"She's not even your favourite." retorted Zegram, teasingly.

"She fluffed my ego man. What was I supposed to do, be rude?"

"Oh how very British of you"

"Fuck you man I'm classy as shit now." chided Lemon, as the two began chuckling about his makeover.

"Atleast now I can look at you without suffering. Christ it was like looking at the sun."

"Day man?"

"ah-ah-aaaaah!"

"fighter of the night man!"

"Ah-ah-aaaaaah!"

"Champion of the sun!"

"Ah-ah-aaaaahh!"

"A master of karate.."

"And friendship!"

"Dayman!"

As they walked, Zegram spotted a pamphlet of some kind on the ground. It was an advertisement for that spa Rarity was talking about. It wasn't exactly selling him on the concept, mentioning incessantly the benefits of being clean and calm. Much to his chagrin, ironically.

"Christ who's even writing this crap!?" growled Zegram as they walked, staring at the pamplhet in his hoof.

It was at that moment their path was blocked by a pair of stocky earth stallions carrying a large...mirror? Lemon and Zegram stood in silence as the mirror passed them by, staring themselves in the eyes. And as the mirror passed, Zegram ruffled his wings, and with a resounding "Nope." turned away form the mirror and began to walk around it, continuing their way. Before following him, still staring at the moving mirror, Lemon called to him.

"Gonna say anything to that?" he asked, and flattened his ears as he recieved the most threatening glare from his usually upbeat friend, who continued to growl "No, that's just...no."

Having admired his own reflection for comfort, Lemon cheerfully followed, and they on continued their way.

It didn't take them too long to reach Fluttershy's cottage, the directions they were given had proved very accurate. Upon reaching the hill atop which sat the most idyllic and stomach-turningly picturesque cottage they'd ever laid eyes upon, they made their approach. It was before they crossed the small stone bridge that Zegram nudged Lemon and mentioned to him

"You know you should probably try to speak a little quieter. You've got a kinda canterlot voice thing goin' on."

"P'ffft. I'm just regal."

"You'll spook her man."

"I can be nice!" whined Lemon, feeling accused.

Upon reaching the door, the two stood infront of it for a minute. The chirping of birds and scuttling of various little creatures filled the air, and the sound and smell of the nearby stream gave the ambience a peaceful quality. Truly this was a paradise for any nature-lover. The silence was then broken by the sound of Zegram clearing his throat. After another few moments of nothing, the two looked at eachother, embarassed.

"We should probably knock or something right?" said Lemon.

"I don't know what we expected" was Zegram's reply.

Tentatively, Lemon raised a hoof, and aimed it at the door. Then, somewhat nervously, he rapped it against the door, only to elicit no response still. Zegram took his turn, doing the same, only slightly louder. Still nothing. This lack of response was causing the sound of chirping birds and chittering critters to irritate the two, and Zegram began hoofing the ground and kicking up some dust. It was then that the ambient sounds died down and the two managed to pick up the found sound of chatter. One voice was very familiar, and they knew exactly who it was. Turning to the side of the house, and making their way around, they saw Fluttershy having what looked like an aerial teaparty with the source of the voice they heard. His long slender body and tapering tail, tufted at the end was more than enough clue, but the laugh was distinct. Fluttershy was having tea. In a tree. With Discord.

Approaching the two, they were largely unnoticed, until a pair of birds zipped over their heads toward the tea party, hovered around Fluttershy's head, and as she turned to see them standing beside her home, these two stallions she'd never seen before, her reaction was predictable. With a soft but painfully adorable "eep!" she dropped her cup and saucer, spilling tea on the ground as the crockery was caught by a pair of...squirrels? With wings? Winged Squirrels. Winged Squirrels caught the teacup and the saucer, but not the tea.

After her adorable 'eep' and her attempt to hide behind the trunk of the tree they were sat in, Discord lazily turned his gaze toward the newcomers, and simply smiled.

"Now that's just cliche" he said.

Author's Note

This chapter took longer than I expected. And I think is shorter. The first chapter was a spur-of-the-moment joke. Now that I'm trying to actually continue this thing into an actual adventure with consistent humour, it's getting really hard.

But Ah'ma keep on chuggin' yessirreebob!

Chap 3: Bedlam Sticks

"Oh...oh fuck" sighed Zegram, not entirely looking forward to dealing with the situation at hand. Or at hoof, as it were.

"Language!" chided Discord, still smiling.

"OKAY FINE! I'll watch my fuckin' mouth." Grumbled Zegram, all while Lemon was sat on his haunches, hysterically cackling, the sound of which was only spooking Fluttershy further. Discord tried to remain composed, but his giggles soon erupted and he couldn't help but try to coo at Fluttershy. He had grown quite attached to his one and only actual friend, and found her fearful cowering far too adorable. It was almost entrancing to the old god. Growing in size, he reached to her, and began cuddling her. Not in the manner of a lover, nor of a parent, but in the manner a child would hug a kitten. All the while he giggled, as Fluttershy squeaked from within his grasp.

"Well, that's enough of that." he said, amused, and gently placed Fluttershy down onto her hooves infront of the two pegasi. Zegram immediately flared his wings, though not for any theatrical value, but simply because they discomforted him, and this seemed to catch Fluttershy's attention. Without any word of introduction, she immediately approached him, and caught him by surprise. He was expecting Lemon to take over this introduction, as they'd discussed favourites before, and apparently Lemon had a soft spot for the ultra-adorable. But no. She spotted Zegram's wing-irritation, and immediately trotted upto him.

"Oh, my! Your wings! They're in a terrible condition! That must be quite irritating for you. I absolutely insist that you come with me and I'll get you properly preened up right away!" she insisted, all trace of the fearful and timid pony gone, replaced by a soft but solid assertive attitude, and Zegram seemed to have not the heart to put his hoof down as she began to push him toward her cottage.

"No no that's fine! Really that's fine it's not a big deal I can figure it ouAAAGH!" he cried, as he was lifted into the air by his rear legs, and as he dangled helplessly infront of Fluttershy, he saw Discord's finger behind her, pointed at him. Upside-down ofcourse. Tauntingly, he said
"Now then sir. The mare insists. You shan't be one to refuse a pretty mare's help now would you?" only to be chastised himself.

"Discord! You put him down this instant! I will NOT have you wrangling this poor stallion when he is in dire need of a good grooming!"

Her stare was adorable. Actually intimidating, but adorable nonetheless. He wanted verymuch to simply smush her face between his hand and paw and tickle her belly. But instead, he did as he was told. With a smile on his face, too. And now, for that matter, so did Zegram. He had not, until that point, had the sickly feeling of having magic come into contact with his body. He did not like it one bit. Not one little bit at all. Did Lemon get the same treatment from Rarity? Oh lord is that sympathy for him?

As Zegram allowed himself to be pushed into Fluttershy's cottage, both Lemon and Discord struggled to contain their laughter, until the two were safely inside the cottage and out of earshot, whereby they both erupted in fierce cackling.

Once Zegram was safely inside the cottage, no doubt effectively getting molested, Discord and Lemon were left alone with little do to but chat.

"What are you even doing here, human? There've been tales and rumours and all kinds of imaginings, but as far as I know this hasn't actually happened around here before."

"Just lookin' around" replied Lemon, as nonchalantly as he could.

"Mmhm. You Humans never just look around."

"What do you know anyway?" asked Lemon, defensively, whereby Discord leaned in close to him, and hold a hand/paw on each shoulder, staring Lemon in the eyes. His own eyes reflected, not a burning intensity or infernal rage, or even the chaotic spark of joy. No. His eyes were at the moment filled with regret. Sorrow, angst and a disturbed feeling of disgust was seen in his eyes, and because of this, Lemon knew exactly what Discord meant when he leaned in close and whispered

"EVERYTHING"

With that, Discord backed away, and began chuckling to himself again.

"If you simply don't want to tell me that's perfectly fine. Your species is an infinitely entertaining one, I'll say that much."

"What do you do nowadays anyway?" asked Lemon, only to notice that this caused Discord to deflate some, and the smug smile plastered on his face changed to a look of fatigue.

"Mostly, I do as I'm told. It's alright to be all...'reformed', and to have a genuine friend again, but I don't get to have as much fun as I used to. The idyllic life is terribly dull." he lamented, scratching the head of a winged squirrel.

"You know, you could always do something fun." goaded Lemon. He agreed with Discord. As much as he had grown to enjoy the world he was now in, it wasn't a terribly inspiring or exciting place. And now he was sat beside the old god of chaos. "I mean, you were never a bad guy anyway. You just wanted to have fun, I know that."

"Oh hush. As I've said, I am reformed. Those days of chaos are behind me." posited Discord, his tail twitching. Twitch, twitch, twitch.

"Reformed into what? A good guy? Who says you can't stay a good guy? Clowns are good guys right? Everyone loves clowns!"

"You mean everpony?"

"NO FUCK YOU I'M NOT DOING THAT!" Lemon barked, before settling down a moment later. "Anyway. The fun you could have. I mean come on, were there any victims to the chocolate rain? Did anyone lose out on that?"

"They most certainly did not. I never hurt anypony!" said Discord, defiantly.

"No they didn't! It was a victimless crime! And hardly even a crime, at that! Chocolate rain? Where's the downside!?" demanded Lemon. He was feeling genuinely passionate behind his argument now, no longer simply trying to incite chaos for the fun of it.

Discord heaved a heavy sigh, however. He was more forward thinking, and had his mind on the consequences.

"No, the downside is to do with Celestia's...eugh, harmonious society. Besides, I'd rather not be turned to stone again. That's not a lot of fun I can tell you."

"No I can imagine it isn't" said Lemon, sympathizing. Celestia really was some kind of anti-fun nazi wasn't she. And then he had an idea. A hilarious idea.

"You ever wonder if you had the power to give a pony an Alicorn ascension?" he asked. Discord thought for a moment and scratched his chin.

"Not until just now. Why?"

"Dude how funny would Alicorn Pinkie Pie be?" and Discord could not help but to burst out in giggles at the thought of this. Lemon didn't even allow him time to respond.

"You should totally make it happen." he said with a smirk.

"No, no I couldn't! That'd be terribly silly!" he said. Lemon didn't fail to notice however, the soft poof behind him, and caught sight of his tail still twitching. Another soft poof and then nothing.

Inside the house however, was, similarly to before, a scene of chaos. Fluttershy's compassion had taken a pleading but firm turn. Her past experiences with Iron Will and 'The beast inside' had taught her at the very least how to assert dominance for the good of others, and right now this pony needed to be seen to. He didn't agree, however, and forced her to chase him through the house.

"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! RABBIT BITES! RABBIT BITE HURTS!" he screamed as furniture and kitchen wares clattered around him. It was shortly after he'd been brought into the house that Zegram had been spooked. Fluttershy had insisted on doing the preening and grooming by mouth, and the feel of her hot breath against his wings and skin, beneath the fur and feathers, had made him very uncomfortable. He wanted nothing to do with that, and Fluttershy's insistance only made him more nervous. Her bunny had decided to try and help by jumping on Zegram's head, only to find he reacted immediately to this, and the bunny decided he needed to bite down to stay on his head. Now, as he clambered through her cluttered home, knocking things down, she deftly ran after him, pleading for him to calm down and to stop breaking her things. During this chase however, Zegram managed to clip a leg against one particularly hefty table, and fell, slamming his chin on the floor. His glasses even flew from his face and clattered under the couch, where the little bastard rabbit picked them up.

Just as Zegram was about to get back upto his hooves, Fluttershy bore down on him.

"PLEASE! Calm down! I promise this won't hurt and it's entirely necessary! You'll have nagging itches and aches all the time if you don't let me do this!" was her loudest plea. At this point he reasoned there was no point. The rabbit had run, with his glasses. He didn't like the feeling of having Fluttershy nuzzle through his feathers, not one bit. Her hot breath on the skin and feathers under the outer layer, tugging at him and nipping at him. It did't help that he too was just now learning of a Pegasus' wing sensitivity. It sent strange and very VERY uncomfortable sensations though him, and his wings wanted to do nothing but fold up defensively. he tried to let them, but Fluttershy had a hoof on the tip feather, holding his wing open.

Jeez this is like some kind of midway point between grooming and rape, he thought to himself.

After some minutes, she relented, and the deed was done. Zegram rose to his hooves, and cricked his neck and wing joints.

"There, now doesn't that feel much better?" she asked, hopefully.

"Lil' bit" was the only response he saw fit to give. In truth, he felt much better. It felt similar to the sensation of stretching out one's legs after hours of not moving. But he dared not say that much, after the fight he put up about it. Now he needed to find his glasses, and the little rabbit was nowhere to be seen.

"Angel bunny!" he heard, right beside him, and looked to his side to see Fluttershy staring at a corner of the room, where that little bastard rabbit was toying around with his glasses. "Oh you look so adorable with those! They fit you so nicely!" Oh that wasn't gonna fly.

"Yeah uhm, those are mine..." was the politest way he could object. "But you're right, he does look cute. Maybe a nice little hat and a nice little coat or dress even? Poof him up a bit, curl those little whiskers..." was his ploy. If the rabbit wanted to play dress-up, surely Fluttershy would be keen on indulging?

"Oh, but he usually doesn't like it when I try to dress him up..." she said, picking up the rabbit and taking Zegram's glasses from it, giving them over.

"Well he liked my glasses well enough." Zegram replied, sliding them back onto his face with a hoof. He mused for just a second as to how exactly that just happened, because as far as he knew, he just used his hoof as a grasping appendage without any idea as to how to do so.

The two ventured back out into the yard, only to find Discord and Lemon laughing as Lemon sat in a puddle of Jam and Discord scooted around on a little yellow tricycle.

"HAH! Oh you are hilarous Lemon! I haven't had this much fun in a while!" cried Discord through his chuckles.

"Now what have those twp chucklebutts gotten upto..." murmured Zegram.

"Well hello there my little pony friends!" called Discord. "We were just trying to find out what interesting things could be made into fun toys!"

"Is that a puddle of...jam?" asked Fluttershy.

"It was supposed to be a tricycle." said Lemon, getting up from the sticky puddle.

"Doesn't seem to have worked." commented Zegram.

"Nope, but we did make one out of butter."

"Butter?" asked Fluttershy, as Discord proceeded to scoot circles around her, his tricycle beginning to melt in the afternoon sun. "Now Discord, this is all fun and games, but I'd really appreciate it if you turned my tricycles back to normal. Have you two met anypony else here yet?"

"They met with Applejack and Rarity, I'm told" offered Discord, sighing as he snapped the butter and jam puddles away. "Your tricycles are fine Fluttershy. We merely made, or tried to make some copies. You know, you two should meet with Pinkie Pie. She'd LOVE you two, you're so much fun!" he chuckled.

Zegram and lemon gave eachother a weary look, and weighed their options. As of yet, neither of them had made an attempt to fly. This meant that meeting with Rainbow dash would lead to embarassment, whereas trying to meet with Twilight would lead to being grilled to kingdom come come with questions, if the cliches were anything to go by. Pinkie Pie it was then. The two Stallions bade their farewells and set off.

It was shortly after that, that Discord turned back to Fluttershy, their tea party having been invaded. "I like them. They're funny." he said to her.

"I don't. I don't trust them." she said to him, which caught him a little surprised.

"You helped one of them." he retorted.

"I'm not stupid Discord. I helped him because it was the kind thing to do. He was discomforted and I knew how to help fix hat for him. It's not unkind to not trust somepony afterall. The girls still don't trust you, and would you really say they're being unkind?"

"Why yes. Yes I would. But I see your point. To be honest I don't really trust them either, though I have my own reasons. I like them."

"Do you know something about them?"

"Only what I know about anypony."

A little ways into their walk, Zegram and Lemon had managed to deduce where they would be headed. They knew of the name 'sugarcube corner', and the sickly strong smell of chocolate and cinnamon was enough to signal the way. Zegram was unenthused by the stench, but Lemon was ever drawn by it, his sweet-tooth anticipating sugary heaven. Zegram had a thought, however, and decided to halt his nose-blind friend.

"Dude, stop." he said to Lemon, who was busy sniffing the air with delight.

"What, why?"

"3...2...1..."

"OHMYGOSHAREYOUTHENEWPEGAUSESESES!?"

"BWAHAHAAAAAH!" was the sound both stallions made as they faltered and recoiled in surprise infront of the source of the noise. She was staring directly at them both, a wide-as-anything grin on her face, which was closing the gap between theirs. Those ocean-blue eyes and unmistakeable cotton-candy mane. She had a thousand yard stare that needed no intensity in her face to bore directly through to your soul. Right into the core of your being, where all your innermost secrets run rampant, feeling as if they were laid bare infront of this punk poofy maniac. For a full minute she stared at them, neither of them daring to answer.

So she asked again.

"I SAID...ARE YOU THE NEW PEGASUESESES?" with no less volume, but atleast not so intensely.

"Ehm..euh..." mumbled Zegram, raising a hoof to his chest in defensive retreat.

"Yes?" offered Lemon.

"THAT'S WONDERFUL! I've been looking for you two for HOURS! I've got your surprise party all ready! Oops! Not much of a surprise now is it? Hey, you guys could just act all surprised like WAAH or OOH when we get there! It'll be super duper fun!"

"Uhm..."

"Yes?"

"Good! Now come on! Ponies are waiting to meet you! I know you've already met Rarity because she told me about you and I told Applejack you'd come to town and she said she'd met you too! Then I told Rainbow Dash who said she'd come to the party a little later on after she went and told Fluttershy. Was she with Discord? I still don't trust him but he's still really funny!..." and on and on she rambled, whilst walking toward the sickly smell. The two boys followed, their confusing decreasing by the moment. She rambled on about things without giving them much time to answer, such as other strangers to town like Gilda or Cranky Doodle. She also commented on their cutiemarks and how they were weird, and that their names were probably weird too because that's what Rarity said and...it went on. One long running sentence was the stream of chatter from this pony's mouth.

And then, stood infront of what the two recognized as Twlight's Library treehouse, she turned on her hooves to face them.

"SO what's your names anways? I'm Pinkie Pie and I really hope we can be bestest of friends, even if you guys leave soon which I REALLY hope you didn't because then I'd get to introduce you to EVERYPONY and I would, 'cause I know EVERYPONY here in Ponyville!"

"ZEGRAM IM ZEGRAM THIS IS LEMON CAN WE GO INSIDE NOW PLEASE" was Zegram's desperate reply to finally get a word in edgeways. Lemon had simply shut off his mind, walking on autopilot.

"Ooh! Cool names! What's a Zegram? I've never heard of one! But hey, Lemon guy, yours is cool too! You even LOOK like a lemon with your yellow coat and green mane! AND your green vest! Did Rarity make that for you? SHE said you had a PURPLE one but that she gave you a new one 'cause purple was ugly or something. But you look kinda like a lemon now! Like a lemon pony! What would ya call that? A Lony? Pony Le-moany? Maybe a Pemon, but that's not as fun to say!"

"PLEASE? INSIDE? WE'LL BE SURPRISED I SWEAR"

"Okie dokie lokie! Inside we go!"

And with that, Pinkie opened the door to the Library, and all inside was dark. She then stepped in herself, and disappeared in the darkness. hushed giggles and whispers could be heard, and Zegram nudged his breandead friend awake.

"Prepare yourself dude. Shit's going to get silly."

"Oh fuck, where are we? I was miles away."

"Party time motherfucker."

They both stepped inside, and flattened their ears to defend against the deafening "SURPRIIIIISE!"

"WAAH!"

"OOH!"

Author's Note

TWO INTRODUCTIONS IN ONE. I CANT REALLY WRITE FLUTTERSHY BUT IF I HAD TO ID SAY SHES SMARTER THAN SHE COMES OFF AS BEING.

AND PROBABLY MORE CYNICAL EVEN.

EUGH.

Chap 4: Princess Partytime

Parties. The boiling point of an evening. They often go a similar route in most cases. The tropes are all nicely lined up. Further introductions are unnecessary, the party provides. Light familiarity is unnecessary, as the party provides. Drawing the evening to a close is unavoidable, the party demands.

And massive slip-ups or faux-pas are now possible, the party allows.

"SURPRISE!"

"WAAH!"
"OOH!"

Their act wasn't particularly convincing, but then it seemed like the party denizens didn't seem to notice. The moment the surprise was done with, they were already milling about amongst themselves. Even Pinkie had disappeared. The two gave eachother a glance and then stared back at the crowd, filling the treehouse.

It was a curious sight. The third dimension, and the added reality of actually being there gave the place a somewhat alien feel, considering how much of this place's interior they'd observed in the past. Lemon was the first one to make his way further in, as he caught the sound of clinking glass, and as his ears twitch and then both aimed directly forward, he followed the sound, hoping for drinks. Immediately he was gone into the crowd, leaving Zegram stood at the door, wondering what he should do. Obviously he should join the party, but where to go?

His moment of hesitation cost him, as Pinkie re-emerged, and began chattering to him as she nudged him towards the crowd.

"And THIS is Roseluck! She runs the flowershop near to Sugarcube Corner! I see her almost everyday and she always smells the best, like her flowers! Hey Roseluck, this is Zegram! I don't know what a Zegram is but I thought maybe you might know? Even though his cutiemark has nothing to do with flowers 'cause of being a rusted gear thingy and all..."

"Eeeehhhhh, Hi..." ventured Zegram, unsure of how to approach this forced introduction. But before the mare could voice her reply, Zegram was dragged further away. He offered Roseluck an apologetic smile as he was dragged, and then turned his attention to the next stranger he was placed infront of, only to be staring into the mint-green face of a pony whose presence made him nervous and excited at the same time. Yes, he was nervouscited.

"...and Lyra plays the lyre! Isn't that so cool? It's even on her cutiemark, see? Oooh! Maybe you play some kinda musical instrument with geer thingies! Or made of gear thingies? What would that sound like? I'd imagine it'd sound like clickety clackety clack or something. Hey Lyra, this is Zegram! Do YOU know what a Zegram is? I've never heard of one and Roseluck didn't know if it was anything flower related..."

Lyra was barely even interested. She listened out of politeness, and was unable to find anything musical that Zegram could have referred to, but her focus was elsewhere. She didn't want to linger on this Zegram pony too long. The way he looked at her made her wary, like he was having thoughts about her. And he was. For the first time in several hours, Zegram felt mischevious. His inner thoughts were slowly being drowned out however, by Pinkie's continuous chatter. She simply kept talking and he had no idea what she was talking about. The instant he heard her offhandedly ask what his cutiemark was even about, it came to his attention for the first time since his and Lemon's arrival in this place. A quick cursory glance at his rump and he saw exactly what had been described repeatedly.

"Uaaaahhh I fix things. Yep. I fix things that's what I do." he said.

"ooh! Like what? And what's a Zegram? Is it like a tool for fixing things? How do you fix things anyway, 'cause mostly the ponies that fix things are unicorns, 'cause their magic makes it so much easier to fix things, but you're a pegasus like Rainbowdash and Fluttershy! Have you met them yet? Hey let's go take you to Flutter-"

"THATS OKAY I AM FINE YES I MET HER SHES FINE EVERYTHING IS FINE LETS NOT GO BOTHERING HER SHALL WE" blurted Zegram, still sore in the pride. "Hey where'd Lemon go anyway? That butt is going to get himself in trouble." he asked.

"I dunno. I think he was thirsty, 'cause I saw him drinking a lot. He really likes the cider!" she chirped.

Good lord.

"YOU LOOKIN' FER ME?" came a cry from behind the crowd. Zegram expected to see Lemon pushing through the crowd, ambling through other ponies and making an ass of himself. What he saw instead was Lemon awkwardly flapping up and over the crowd, coming to a low hover right beside him and Pinkie.

"I'm here now ya fuck. Hah." he chuckled. Zegram noticed that as Lemon hovered, he was slowly getting closer. At this point he adopted an air of irritated patience. He expected something to hit him on the head.

Zegram was not expecting the wet sloppy lick that slapped across the side of his face however. For that moment, as it hung in the air, the moisture from Lemon's alcohol-soaked tongue perforated his facial fur and moistened his face, before that tongue started to drag. What made it worse was the "ngaaaahhhh" sound Lemon made during the process, which in actuality took place over barely two seconds, but felt like several minutes.

It also felt like all eyes were on them, despite the fact that only Pinkie was watching the two.
The instant lemon's tongue left his face however, all bets were off.

"LEMON GOD DAMNIT YOU DRUNKEN WHORE IMM GONNA TOUCH YOUR BUTT! C'MERE!" he shouted, and flared his wings to tackle the drunken bastard and...and what? He sure wasn't going to start a fight at this party, and anything else was going to add to the uncomfortable tension.

With a forehoof he wiped his face dry, and gave chase anyhow. Luckily Lemon seemed to be in on it, and made for an escape, giggling maniacally.

"I WISH YOU WOULD!" he called back.

The two made with a short aerial chase inside the restricted airspace of the treehouse, and was only brought short when Lemon's face came into fast and solid contact with a wall. Zegram ofcourse followed suit, only he did not recieve a wall-to-face meeting as lemon had. Instead it was Lemon's rump that got a rough and accidental kiss, right on the cutiemark.

As the two collapsed to the ground, dizzied and, in Lemon's case, drunk, the crowd gathered around the performers of the party's air show, and the sussurus began. Fluttershy could be heard in the crowd, softly calling out "are they okay!?" whilst Pinkie Pie was busy giggling her little pink ass off. Rarity and Applejack didn't appear to be anywhere in the crowd, and Rainbow Dash was imitating her pink friend, up on the second floor.

In the jumble on the floor, Zegram decided to ask a simple question.

"Seen Twilight anywhere at this party?"

Lemon, while dazed, managed an answer.

"Already talked to her."

Oh lord.

Lemon had left Zegram behind at the door to the party, as he was chasing the sound of drinks. He was fairly confident that cider, or alcohol of some kind would be present, and once he'd managed to amble his way through the crowd, he was rewarded with his instincts being right. Immediately, he grabbed a bottle, managed to get the top off by holding the bottle's neck against the table and knocking down on the top. As the cap flew off, whilst taking just a tiny chunk out of the table with it, Lemon instantly shoved the bottle in his mouth, tipped his head back and began to chug, hands-or-hooves-free.

It didn't even occur to him as to why ponies would be using capped bottles. The bottle alone was a human design, certainly. Thinking no more of it, as the delicious fizz ran it's way through his system and loosened him up, he took a breath, dropping the bottle with a slight clatter. He didn't expect to see the purple pony who lived in the place standing right beside him, having obviously been notified of his attendance at the party aimed half at him.

Zegram was nowhere to be found, and nor were any other familiar faces. It was him and her, surrounded by a sea of strangers. Strangers and books.

"Hi. My name is Twilight-"

"Sprakle. Wait. Sparkle."

"Are you okay?"

"I did just neck an entire cider in about fifteen seconds. Surprised I don't have hiccups."

"So what was your name? Are you Zegram or Lemon."

"Lemon."

"Oh. Yes, it makes sense, looking at you."

"shcrew you I'm fabulous.."

"What?"

"Nevermind."

"So, I'm told you know about us element-bearers."

"Oh ya."

At this point, Lemon went for another cider. His opening method caused Twilight to cringe, but she seemed to pay it no heed right now. She simply watched as he necked yet another cider, just as fast as he claimed. This time however, he released the bottle with a belch. It wasn't terribly loud, but it did cause a short pause in the conversations behind him, followed by some giggling. That, and Twilight seemed unappreciative of it. Her loss.

"So uh...could I ask what you're doing here in Ponyville? Applejack said you guys are just looking around. Looking for anything specific? I'm the Librarian here, and I can probably find whatever it is you're looking for..." she ventured.

"Jus' sightseeing. You know. Tourism an' the like."

"So where're you from?"

"Dunno. Some place created by a dragon or something, I dunno. Myths an' shit."

"A dragon? Applejack said it was some place difficult to pronounce. Maybe you could write it down? I'd love to be able to translate it. What language do they talk where you're form anyway?"

"English."

"English? Never heard of it. What's it sound like?"

"Like meeeeeeuuuhhh like uhhh...like meowing?"

"Meowing?"

"Mixed with...uhm...bird chirps. It sounds like meowing and bird chipring."

"That's...odd. Maybe Fluttershy can translate it then? She can talk to animals."
"Maybe."

"However, what's a dragon doing creating a town for ponies where they speak this...English..."

"Fuck if I know."

"Well, where is it?"

"Far away."

"Well how did you get here to Ponyville?"

"Train."

"From Canterlot?"

"-at's the one."

"How did you get to Canterlot?"

This time, Lemon didn't offer a verbal response. He simply ruffled his wings a little, in a slightly theatric display.

"Oh right, ofcourse, ofcourse."

Twilight then took notice of Lemon's wings. The books she'd read on Pegasus wings in the past had left her feeling a little confident about her ability to gague wing signals in Pegasi, but his were confusing. He didn't operate on the standard pattern of wing behaviour like most Pegasi, because if he did, Twilight could have sworn that Lemon was feeling consistently irritated and sad. But he didn't seem to be. He seemed quite content, chipping away at her table with his drinks. Festidiously, she bagin to clean up the bottle caps left on the floor at his hooves, and place them on the table. From said table she then reached for a note-pad and a quill, and began making miscellaneous notes.

"So, where did you say the place was, that you came from?"

"Really far."

"But where?"

"...north? Yeah, north."

"You're probably the first Pegasus I've met who's unsure of his orientation."

"Oh I'm certain of it."

"Well which way are you facing?"

"This way. Where the wall is."

The conversation was getting her nowhere, and it frustrated Twilight. He wasn't telling anything. It was suspicious behaviour alright, he was definitely hiding something. She would have to write to the princess about this.

She was about to accost him with one last-ditch effort at a decent question, when his ears twitched, and Lemon took to the air and flew backwards over the crowd. She managed to push through the crowd just in time to see him lick the face of the other Pegasus who was at the door with him, only to witness their short-lived chase and crash into her wall. Immediately, she braced the adjacent bookshelves for damage, and saved the books from falling down.

It seemed to be about time for the party to wind down, and the question of where these two stallions would be sleeping now entered Twilight's mind. There was no way the two of them could sleep at one of their homes. Twilight had many reservations about two stallions sleeping in the home of a mare, especially two newcomers about whom she knew very little. She simply couldn't afford to trust them that much.

"Applejack!"

"Here ah am sugarcube!" came the reply, and shortly after, the pony, to Twilight's side. They both stared curiously, but amusedly at the two Pegasi on the floor, dazed and clearly worn out.

"Where are these two going to sleep?"

"They're feather-brains ain't they? They could sleep at Dashie's place ah'm sure. She's got room ah think."

"Two of them though? What if they like...try something?"

"Yer talkin' 'bout Dash here sugarcube. She'd smack 'em upside the head if'n they tried somethin'."

"True enough. Hey Rainbow! Get down here!"

"WHAT?" called the blue Pegasus.

"Think you can give these two a place to sleep? They look pretty beat!"

"If they're so beat, how d'ya expect me to get them to my place?"

"WE CAN FLY!" shouted Lemon, still on the floor. Zegram had atleast tried to get himself up, but it was true. They were worn out. He still managed enough effort to bop Lemon on the rump and grumble "Shut up you butt!"

"Alright. Get up fellas, it's a bit of a ways up."

Before he rose, Zegram let out an anguished whine.

"AAAAUUUGH"

Author's Note

NOT META ENOUGH. I KNOW. I DID THIS CHAPTER ON MY OWN AND I WASN'T THINKING VERY META. I WAS THINKING MORE "LOL PONU JOKES"

Chap 5: Party Pooped

"AAAAAUGH!"

His wing had been trodden on. Lemon had just gotten up, shakily, and in turning, had managed to tread on Zegram's wing. His entire body cringed, as did Fluttershy upon seeing it. She wanted to rush in again to help him with it once more, but the crowd of ponies around them had her frozen on the spot.

"Ohp, you oka-" but he was cut off by the most vicious glare he'd ever seen from Zegram. "Well okay then. I'mma go over there. And do something. Something else." he said, as he ambled his way back through the considerably thinner crowd. He could be heard a little ways off, mumbling to a cider about best friends. After glaring him to hell and back, Zegram finally mustered the muscle to get up himself.

The resounding chorus of concern was somewhat endearing, but he had to brush them off with a standard reply of "I'm ok" and "Everything's fine. No damage" and so on. Zegram had damage control to do. As he set about to it, he felt stiff. The sickly feeling all over his body accompanied a purple glow infront of his face, and as he struggled to move, he felt himself being...probed. Not invasive, just overall. The sickly lightness spread around him and shifted around, and as he looked back he saw Twlilight concentrating, and Fluttershy staring concernedly at him and Twilight, going back and forth.

"Yup! He's fine!" Twilight claimed. "Just a little bruising is all."

"Oh! Thank goodness!" breathed Fluttershy, visibly relieved. "But what about Mr Lemon? He might be hurt too!"

"Ohhohoh!" was a faint cry from just outside, as the crowd of party ponies was thinning and everypony was headed home.

"So Rainbow, are you still letting the new ponies stay with you?" askied Twilight, quickly.

"IF y'are" cut in Applejack. "Y'all best catch him. Ah don't think he knows."

"So where's he goin'?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"Ah don't think he knows."

The two ran and flew out of the treehouse in a flash, followed shortly by Fluttershy. Pinkie was off in the kitchen and Rarity was cleaning up, leaving Zegram alone with the bookworm princess.

"So I talked to your friend..." she said to him.

"And how badly did he-"
"I'd sooner have believed Discord was sorry."

Zegram near flinched at that. He had failed to spot just how suspicious they were. The metric tons of cynicism he'd found in other tales left him unnerved when he saw such signs, however small, of it all being true, or atleast relative. "Okay so, I swear to you, we're just here to look around. The chance to come here came with no chance to plan or come up with something to accomplish, and it was Lemon's idea to just come here. So really, we're just here to see the place. As for where we really came from...well I doubt it'd be very believable. I don't think anyo-uh, anypony...but you would even consider it." he offered, mentally kicking himself for that slip-up, hoping she didn't catch-

"Why do you say that?"

Oh lord she caught it.

"Listen uh...I was kinda hoping you could maybe get word to the princesses-"

"Wait...Spike? Where'd he go?" asked Twilight, as she looked around her. Spike wasn't anywhere to be seen, and indeed hadn't shown up during the party at all. She turned and walked to the kitchen entrance, calling Spike's name, while Zegram took the opportunity to look for Lemon. All he needed do was turn however, to see Lemon moon-bounce around just out the front of the treehouse, seemingly cackling like some sort of evil mastermind. He also witnessed the pony manage to dodge a grab attempt by a speeding Rainbow, before shouting "Juked for the glory of the Empraah!".

"Hold still!"

"Hah! He's too fast even fer y'all!"

Naturally, he had to intervene. He immediately took a step to run outside when Twilight returned.

"Why are you telling me all this if you want to keep it a secret? You sure didn't give anypony any details, and it seemed kinda suspicious." she quizzed.

"Aaaah, well...chances are that...silly pony doesn't know, or never thought in the first place, of how we're going to get back."

"You can't fly back?"

"No, you can't exactly fly to this place, as far as I know."

"I suspected as much."

"Heresy!" came the faint cry form outside, as Zegram flinched. "Listen" he said, stressing out.
"I'm really really sorry about all this and I was really hoping you could help us get back home, but right now I've gotta go stop that madman out there."

With that Zegram turned on his heels? Hoof-heels? He turned swiftly, and rushed outside, leaving Twilight to her thoughts.

"Madman?"

Outside the scene was a little more active, and chaotic. Lemon was basically short-range gliding around the street infront of the treehouse, as Rainbow Dash and Applejack tried to keep him penned in. Bouncing around, he kept shouting various things. Zegram came to Applejack, as Rainbow Dash kept flying around Lemon at speed.

"This feller eats a lotta corn does he?" she asked him as he approached.

"What?"

"He's been talkin bout sittin' on a throne of corn, an askin for milk fer his cornflakes. Ah gotta be honest, with his name an' colourins ah figured he'd prefer fruity things, not corn flakes."

"Yeah, uh, listen. You got like, a rope, or like an empty cider bottle or something?"

"No can-do on the rope there sugarcube, but ah reckon yer pal here's left a few bottles lyin' around. Grabbed a couple an' jus started drinkin' like a beast."

This left Zegram to scan around, and sure enough he found an empty bottle soon enough. Picking it up in a hoof, Zegram began to run at Lemon. After he'd closed the gap a little he shouted out.

"LEMON! BROADSIDE BARRAGE!" he shouted, and flared his wings and leaped.

"Huh? Whu-" DONK! was the sound as the empty bottle collided with the side of Lemon's head, as Zegram glided past him at speed. Instantly, he crumpled like a pony-shaped bag of rocks. Grinding to a halt only feet away, Zegram examined the bottle in his hoof, wondering why he didn't hear it break.

"Hm. It didn't."

"Welp. That was...effective" commented Applejack, as Rainbow came to a hover.

"Haha! That was awesome! Just whack! and he's down!" laughed Rainbow.

"Oh my! Is he alright?" called Fluttershy, who'd found herself hiding behind one of the treehouse's roots.

"Oh yeah he'll be fine!" called Zegram back to her. "Either of you wanna help me get him onto my back?"

"I can!" called Pinkie from the doorway. Trotting over, she buried her head under his wing before lifting it, whereby Applejack buried her head under his chest, and lifted him. Together they hoisted him onto Zegram's back, as Rainbow Dash hovered and pulled him over to an even balance.

"Thanks for the party Pinkie...uh" said Zegram as his drunk friend was draped over him. "Sorry about him, and uh, sorry, you two" he offered to Rainbow and Applejack.

"It was awesome! You got to meet so many ponies, and he so did he! From what I heard you two had fun playing tag!" replied Pinkie, smiling innocently.

"Gotta admit, he's fast when he drinks." continued Rainbow. "I almost broke a sweat."

"Wish ah brought ma rope." mumbled Applejack.

The three of them walked (and one slept) some ways down the street, before turning and walking some ways into a field.

"So you two are going to be sleeping with me tonight." said Rainbow, as Applejack and Pinkie turned to go their respective ways. Zegram couldn't help but chuff slightly as he heard it, fighting back the dumbest of giggles.

"Well it's a little flight from here.." she continued. "So you better wake him up unless you wanna carry him up there."

With a slight shrug, Zegram thought quickly. He had no idea if either of them could really fly all that effectively, and as he shrugged his KO'd friend off of his back, he had to think of a reason why. While he thought, Rainbow approached Lemon, and prodded him in the face.

"Wake up, light-feathers. Get your sour head up, we've gotta fly."

Zegram however, was having none of it. He grabbed hold of an idea that seemed plausible, and then walked over to the two, whereby he turned around, and promptly kicked Lemon in the face.

"Get up shitlord." he commanded. Lemon stirred immediately, and in a start, rose to his hooves, mumbling. "W-wha? who?" Immediately after that, he began flapping and shot up in the air. In the air however, he stopped flapping, sensing his hooves had left contact with the ground. He immediately figured that he was facing the wrong way, and proceeded to flip over, anticipating contact with the ground. What he got however, was a short free-fall, whereby he slammed into the ground head-first.

This gave the two sober Pegasi a good laugh. Then Zegram turned to Rainbow as Lemon started to get up, grunting all the way.

"Look, uh, we have a bit of a problem. We can't fly too good."

"What?" spat Rainbow Dash. She snorted at him and gave him an aggressively puzzled glare. "How can a pegasus not fly?" she asked, as if the news disturbed her.

"Weeeell ya see...our uh, town, it got overgrown with a poison joke plant. Grew all over the place and in pe-uh, ponies' homes and everything. Turned my wings to brass when I tripped on a bush of it. I think his got turned to stone. Neither of us could fly for the longest time, since we had no cure. Long story short, we need flying lessons.

"Eugh...fine. It's late but you can't get to my place if you can't fly so whatever, let's do it."

After a short lecture and then a short Demonstration, Lemon had fully awoken, though a bit groggy, as Zegram tried his hand, or hoof, at it. He lifted off well enough, but immediately nose-dived and headbutted the dirt. Rainbow Dash and Lemon both broke down in a fit of laughter, and as Zegram spat out a mouthful of earth he shouted.

"LET'S SEE YOU DO ANY BETTER YOU GROG-ASS!"

Rainbow just kept laughing as Lemon flapped up into the air at some speed, and when he flared his wings immediately began a loop. unfortunately, that loop wasn't tight enough, and ended up with Lemon getting himself caught in a tree, much to the amusement of Rainbow and Zegram this time.

After a few tries, and a few crashes, the two were just about competent. Rainbow decided that they could make it to her home, and so off they set, though Lemon cut a particularly awkward path on account of what he'd drank. As they reached the sky and saw the home of Rainbow Dash was indeed built into a cloud as they both suspected, they were a little careful about landing on it. Lemon's attempt to do this had him flopping on his face and stomach, finding himself very surprised that it didn't hurt as much as normal.

as they were shown in, the place turned out to be a sight large than it seemed. What Zegram had assumed to be thick and fluffy walls around a cave of fluff was infact a very thin-walled and complex cloud apartment. From the inside, it looked almost like densely packed snow, with even a snow-like glitter. The place did seem to be much colder, too, considering the lack of sun. No doubt the thin walls weren't exactly high-class insulation. As Rainbow led the way and droned out the various rooms she had, numbering 3 different napping or lounging rooms, a reading room, and a proper bedroom. Not even this could possibly support a bathroom or a kitchen, thought Zegram as he readjusted his expectations. Lemon remained blissfully brain dead as the tour came to a halt in one of the napping rooms, and Lemon allowed himself to flap onto what looked to be a couch just as Rainbow announced that this was where they'd be sleeping.

"And don't try anything" she warned.

"And here I was thinking what a great idea it'd be to attack a friend of the Princess!" he droned.

"Whatever" she said, as she threw Zegram a blanket. It didn't feel like much at all, like the softest and lightest of cotton. When he lay down on the room floor, which was, to the surprise of noone, as soft as any bed could be, and pulled said blanket over him, it barely lay on him. It lay lightly on the tips of his fur, as if it was avoiding touching him. Lemon had begun snoring with ungodly volume already, and Zegram fretted for a moment that Rainbow would be bothered by this, but there was no sign of a commotion from the direction she'd wandered, back where the place's only proper bedroom lay. He immediately tugged the soft blanket over his head, and found that light as it may be, the cloud insulted sound almost perfectly. He could barely hear the snoring, and as such, the day's efforts finally exacted their price on him as he grew tired very quickly.

As he drifted off, Zegram re-examined their day's efforts.
Their arrival went near perfectly. The round of introductions that the two had obviously expected to take place did so, and far from going well, he valued each one as a complete disaster. What left him in brighter spirits was that this didn't seem to dampen the day a great deal, save for the embarassing end it came to. He was going to have to give Twilight a better explanation, but as he drifted off, his thoughts lingered on the possible explanations he could give.

None of them were very encouraging.

Author's Note

This Chapter was outline in it's entirety by my co-author, RustyServbot. All I did to this one was fluff it up and make it chapter-length.

It is by no means his only contribution, as he has been instrumental in the continuation of this story, but this chapter is effectively his own.

The reason it's taken so long to get done has nothing to do with that. I've been helping my family out with stuff as of late and that has taken up the majority of my time.

If you want to see his crudely put together outline of this chapter, you ask him. If he says OK then one of us will upload it c:

Chap 6: The Hangover

Lemon stirred in the bed, and something akin to a blanket was atop him. The cloud-home that he'd slept in was dark, with beams of orange sunlight peering in through the openings that counted as windows. The room was fairly empty, save for that the bed he was on was larger than he remembered.

In fact, he didn't remember sleeping on a bed at all.

Immediately he rose to his hooves, scanning the dark room. What had he done? Why wasn't he on the couch like he remembered? His heart raced as he began to pace around the room, failing to notice movement on the bed. What he did notice however, was the sigh.

His heart stopped at that moment, and he turned. A rainbow tail lashed from under the strewn "sheet" and immediately Lemon began to back out of the room, stumbling, unsure of his footing on the cloud. As he stumbled out of the room however, he bumped into something. As he turned, he saw it was a little colt. A very familiar looking one, with a coat of rusty orange and a dark brown mane...

What the fuck?

"Ow dad! Watch where you're going!" chided the little one, at which point a blue pegasus, brightly adorned with equally familiar rainbow colours paced out of the room.

"You haven't taken our son to school yet?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Lemon rolled off the couch in a start, his vision blurred and his head aching. He could barely see and his legs were like rubber. Confused and hungover, he stumbled around, heading towards any light he could see. It just so happened the light he saw was the outside, and as he wobbled toward it, the cloud beneath his hooves ceased to be, and he fell.

Zegram had awoken early, eager to get back to the ground. His flight down had been more of a glide, as he effectively parachuted to the ground. Determined to make amends and bring some sense into the confusion surrounding him and his out-of-place friend. As he paced towards the Library, which he could easily see from where he'd landed, it being the only large tree in the entire town, he began to play in his mind the scenario he was going to aim for. His intention was to explain to Twilight the reality of their situation, and if she would maybe get a letter to the princesses, to see about a way back home.

As he reached the door and rapped his hoof on it, he would never be able to explain why the sight of a small purple dragon opening the door was a surprise to him. The dragon looked at him, nonplussed, and simply stared awkwardly.

"Ye-uh....uhm is...is Twilight around?" asked Zegram, assuming he would have reason to be sheepish and embarrassed. Without much fanfare however, the dragon turned, and walked inside.

"Come in, I'll get her" he called from the room, and Zegram took a few tentative steps into the library. The place had been cleaned up impressively. Not a thing looked out of place, and no surfaces were dirty. He was unable to stop himself from fluttering his wings as he made his way into the main room, but they almost clamped themselves to him as Twilight walked into the room.

"So, can I help you Zegram?" she asked, with no trace of ire or hard feelings, as Zegram would have expected given the spectacle he and Lemon had put up the previous night. Her face was expectant, and Zegram caved.

"So uh...I guess I owe you an explanation right? You see, Me and Lemon are...explorers of a sort. We found ourselves with the opportunity to travel to somewhere we've never been, aaaand we took it. We decided it'd be fun to have a look around at someplace new since the chance arose, aaaand we're kind of stuck here because one of us didn't think of a way back." he explained. Her face in response was not one of disbelief, but that she was simply unimpressed. it was unnerving to see her giving him such a casual look, but he knew that she knew that this wasn't the whole story, and there was demand for more.

"eeeaaah, do you know...anything about...humans?"

Immediately, Twilight's ears twitched and her eyes widened. With a deep breath and a fluttering of her own wings, she raised a hoof and exclaimed "Yes! Strange creatures! Some would say they are much like bears, but smaller and with less fur. I've seen them myself and they're not like bears at all! They're much smaller and come in a far greater array of colours than most bear species. Why?"

"Well you see, uh..." Zegram started, already nervous at her enthusiasm. This was too cliche. "Me and Lemon you see, we're uhm...we're from-" but was immediately cut off.

"Another dimension!?" quizzed Twilight, her face alight with excitement. Immediately Zegram deflated, relieved.

"Oh good, I was afraid I'd have to explain the idea to you..." he said, feeling a pang of silliness. He knew about her and the mirror afterall. He figured that was also the source of her knowledge on the matter.

"That doesn't explain however" said Twilight. "...How you two knew of us Element Bearers."

Zegram's relief dissipated, and his heart began to pump. "YOUDONTNEEDTOKNOWSTOPASKING" he blurted, and immediately began stammering with uhms and ahs, strongly hoping she wouldn't inquire further.

"This is important Zegram!" she demanded.

"euh..ah...well we know about you from uh...from cartoons..." he offered, almost whispering.

"Sorry, what was that?"

"...cartoons" he mumbled again.

"Speak up Zegram, I can't quite underst-"

"Cartoons okay!?" he barked. "Where we come from, you're cartoons!"

Her blank expression was disconcerting, and after a few minutes she spoke, her voice quavering and soft.

"Just what...else do you know about us?"

"Uhm...we've seen most things from the day you first showed up here in Ponyville, until your recent escapade with the mirror thing..." he offered, nervously. "We didn't see everything! It's a show not a study!" he ventured, trying to soften the obvious blow. But she simply stood there, and stared at him. He tried his best apologetic face, and tried his damndest to psychically tell her not to freak out.

"You uh...you ok?" he asked, after minutes of the blank staring. Though this seemed to snap her back into reality, her response was not encouraging.

"Nnnope." was her curt reply. She turned and called out. "Spiiike! I'm going out, would you make some tea for us while I'm gone?"

The small dragon appeared seemingly from nowhere, with a feather duster.

"Sure Twilight. Where are you going anyway?" he asked.

"Out. Going to break down. Maybe even cry. Who knows." she responded flatly, and with a sharp zap she was gone. It took all of three seconds for bone-chilling wailing and shouting, with what sounded like foreign expletives to reach them. Immediately Spike turned to Zegram, clearly unhappy.

"Just what in tartarus did you say to her!?" he demanded.

"You know, so far the track record for my explaining things has not gone well. It's probably a bad idea to tell you too."

With that, he sidestepped the huffy little dragon, and decided that he was faced with another opportunity. A fan of reading, he decided he would dive into the world he was facing. Less for the answers that inevitably awaited him, and more for how interesting and curious they would be.

"Fancy seeing you here." said Rainbow Dash, clearly unimpressed with the sight before her, which was the sight of Lemon's rump in the air, as his face was trying occupy a patch of earth that was already occupied. By the earth. Grabbing his tail, Rainbow managed to pull on him to get him to lift his head.

"Whu? Whozat?" he asked, still slurring. As he turned his head, the sight of bright colours in a worrying shape caused him to stutter and fret.

"WH-NO! NO NO NO NO NO IM NOT THE FATHER NO NO!" he babbled, trying to back away whilst his legs refused to cooperate.

"What? Are you ok? You have a foal? What?" she asked, completely confused. She'd been woken by Zegram, and asked if she would look after 'the drunk', to which she agreed, having no weather duty planned for the day.

Her confusion struck a chord with Lemon, and it seemed to calm him. He stared around and the realization began to dawn on him.

"OH HAHA! A DREAM! IT WAS JUST A DREAM! HAH...shit why didn't I realize that already." he said to himself, relieved and calm. He then turned to Rainbow Dash, who was just rolling her eyes. he didn't know if she'd dealt with drunks before, but she certainly seemed in-the-know and unimpressed.

"Yeah uh...nevermind. Why am I on the ground?" he asked her.

"You screamed and fell off the cloud." she responded curtly, but not without smirking some. "It was pretty funny actually."

"Oh. That'd explain why my head hurts."

"Maybe. You did drink a lot though."

"I tend to do that."

"Does it always end with you screaming in the morning?"

"More often than I'd like."

"So why keep doing it?"

"Beats me."

"Well you're awake now. We should probably go find your friend, I think he went to the Library."

"We could do that, sure. It'd be responsible and would get the story going."

"Story?"

"Figure of speech. Alternatively, we could do something fun. And I'd like something to eat, since my stomach is just a little angsty right now."

"Well we could go to sugarcube corner. Pinkie always makes some pretty awesome treats for breakfast. Muffins and cupcakes-"

The mention of cupcakes, by Rainbow Dash, had caused Lemon to burst into laughter, and despite all the questions he would never explain why.

They reached Sugarcube corner in a few minutes of walking, much to Lemon's relief, and upon entering the Cake's bakery, the smell of sickeningly sweet baked goods filled Lemon's unexpectedly attuned nostrils like an alluring invitation, turned up to 11. Sure enough, stood behind the counter was the chipper and sunny pink pony that he'd expected to see.

"Oh! Hi there! I thought I saw you and Dashie coming down the street but I couldn't be sure! Your name's Lemon right? I remember names! I don't usually make lemon flavoured things this early but I thought since it was your name you might like some! I made some tarts and some sorbet and even a pie! Like blueberry pie! But with lemons!" exclaimed Pinkie, seemingly in a single breath.

"Combustible lemons?" he asked.

"Huh? NO, silly! The tasty kind! There're combustible lemons? Do they taste as good?"

"uhh, Pinkie.." interjected Rainbow Dash. "Got any of those doughnuts I like?"

Lemon, though slightly irked by what he would always refer to as being profiled, decided not to go against his nature, and went with a lemon pie, whilst Rainbow Dash was given a plate of doughnuts, each with icing in the different colours of the rainbow. So much for any notion of not stereotyping.

It was as they sat at their places, the seating in this place, possibly in this world, being awkwardly low benches which Lemon was apprehensive of at-first, but upon sitting on them, found them to be very comfortably built to house pony-rump. Immediately after this, he put his recently learned eating skills to use, and dove his face into the pie, scarfing some down, before licking his face clean.

Rainbow Dash was simply confused as to why a pony would ram his face into his pie when he could just take a bite. She put it down to the drinking, and continued to eat her doughnuts. Pinkie, stood behind the counter, found Lemon's eating highly amusing, and was constantly giggling. The bakery's other customers took no notice. Pinkie Pie was always giggling about something.

As she watched Lemon eat like a colt, she hoped he would sharpen up soon. A day of foal-sitting didn't sound very fun.

"So, Seaponies are in the sea. Fancy that." Zegram remarked sarcastically to himself, with the book he was reading offering little by way of specifics. He'd found a wealth of information on the world he was in, though little on the nature of changelings or where they lived, as he'd been looking for. Information abound on Zebras, Griffons, and other such fauna and flora, most of it seeming to reside in or near the Everfree, with the exceptions of the Zebra in 'a far off land known as Zebrica' or the Griffons in 'their fortified kingdoms in the valleys, known as Gryphus'.

After browsing an atlas of sorts however Zegram came to a hilarious but sad realization. Near every location in the land was a pun. With a few exceptions, there was not a single place in this atlas that was not some kind of horse or animal pun. Vanhoover, Stalliongrad, and Trotland to name some lesser-known locales. Applewood, Mcintosh Mountains, the list went on.

Amid a fit of quiet, stifled giggles, Zegram was caught unawares by Spike, simply watching him. His plodding entrance had failed to break the silence, and internal distraction of Zegram's enjoyment of 'The Magical Land of Horsepun' as he would refer to Equestria from then on. Spike, being quite familiar with Twilight's tendency to overreact, had put off making the tea, and was simply staring at Zegram, not entirely happy. Twilight might overreact, but that didn't leave this Zegram character off the hook.

"Can I help you?" Zegram asked, after noticing the stare.

"I don't like you." Spike replied.

"O...kay...Does Twilight do this often?"

Spike had opened his mouth to come to the defense of Twilight's overreaction, but he couldn't. He conceded, and mumbled something along the lines of "yeah I guess"

"Any idea when she'll be back?"

Spike again, opened his mouth to answer, but waited. Then, from the kitchen, the kettle was apparently ready, as the 'fweeeeee' rang through the Library, and Spike took his moment to answer.

"Right about now."

His response was then complimented by the sharp zap of Twilight teleporting back to the spot form whence she'd vanished not an hour ago, looking considerably less upset, though her mane and wings were somewhat disheveled. Her mane especially, was ever so slightly ablaze.

"You uh...you got a little...fire in your ah...mane there." he gingerly pointed out. This did seem to perk her up, as her horn lit up, and she encased her mane in magic, dousing the fire and setting it neatly as it was previously.

"So!" she said, with a level of enthusiasm Zegram did not expect at this point. "A cartoon!"

She walked over to Zegram, as he became increasingly nervous of her. This calm was unsettling and Zegram tried to reassure himself that she was calm due to working out the anguish wherever it was she'd teleported to. The forest probably. The blood-curdling sounds that took a while to die down certainly sounded like she wasn't happy about it all. As she took a seat at the table Zegram had been reading at, Spike was on-hand with a tray of the freshly brewed tea. Twilight took the precedent to levitate both cups to them, with a gentle thanks. As Twilight took a sip, Zegram decided to follow suit, only to find his tea had a strange but familiar taste to it. As his throat was overcome by a mild burn, he had to stop and look at his cup.

Izzat...izzat hotsauce? That's fuckin hotsauce!

After another few seconds, another thought wandered into his head.

That's some pretty crappy hotsauce right there. Worst I've ever had in fact.

Swilling the weak burn around in his mouth, Zegram comes to the only conclusion one could when Spike was looking at him with a smug smirk. He looked the little dragon straight in the eye, and shotgunned the rest of the tea down in a single gulp, which caused the little dragon to falter for a second, and give Zegram a raised brow.

Twilight obviously noticed the glare Zegram was giving him.

"Something wrong?" she asked

"Your iguana put hotsauce in my tea." said Zegram, flatly.

Twilight's ears flattened, and she turned to spike, clearly irritated.

"Spike! Why would you-" but before she finished, she turned back to Zegram.
"Did you just call my number-one assistant an iguana?" she asked hotly.

Zegram had his best pokerface on, and gave her his curt justification.
"He put hot sauce in my drink."

Spike, feeling he was off the hook with Twilight, was now curious.
"You didn't seem to care though. That was some pretty hot hot sauce." effectively tenuring his confession.

Zegram instantly put on the thickest accent he could muster, causing himself to sound to Twilight and Spike like a male Applejack.

"Boy, I'm a Texan. Now ah understand y'all ponies here in this world chew on flowers an' grasses an' all manner of mild vegetation, but us Texans, we like to bathe everythang we eat in liquid farh an' barbecue sauss." he said, with no small amount of pride.

Spike simply gave him a strange look and mumbled to himself "Dude that's creepy" as he walked away from the table, returning to his duties. Twilight simply rapped her hoof against her horn, unimpressed by the display of bravado, though she had to admit his tolerance to hot sauce was note-worthy.

"Well, back to the matter at hoof. Or would it be...hand?" she asked.

"Whichever you prefer." Zegram replied, having dropped the exaggerated accent.

"So, it's not so out-of-this-world to understand you're from the other dimension. I've been there afterall." she began.

"Uhh, no you haven't."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, as you know, we've seen portions of your lives. The universe you traveled to, through the mirror? Not ours. Not by a long shot."

"Oh, well...I suppose there being multiple universes out there isn't too far-fetched." said Twilight, slightly unnerved by being reminded that parts of her life had been seen, observed, and worse, thought to be fictional.

"At any rate..." she continued. "I've managed to prove to myself that you aren't changelings atleast. I gave you a check when I examined your wing. I'm slightly surprised to learn that you aren't really ponies, since I found no abnormalities in your anatomy."

Zegram was immediately bothered, but also flushed with embarrassment. Deciding to let the violation of his privacy slide, he couldn't help but ruminate on why Twilight had used the term 'anatomy'. In his experience, it often referred to very specific parts, even if it's actual meaning was broader.

"I will have to send out a letter to the Princess either way. She must be informed of this."

"Which Princess would that be?"

"Celestia ofcourse!" said Twilight, matter-of-factly.

"Ofcourse."

At that, Zegram offered his warmest smile, and got up from his seat. The day had so far been all too peaceful, which left him with a tight knot in his stomach. Or so he figured, since it couldn't have been that weak hot sauce.

"Look, do you mind if I go? I need to check up on Lemon and Rainbow. I got a... I wouldnt say bad feeling, but I just wanna make sure nothing is on fire...or broken... or broken while on fire... Or on fire underwater..." he explained, but Twilight hardly noticed. She was busy writing said letter. Which was slightly odd. Didn't Spike usually write them for her?

As he made his way outside, he heard a familiar sound in the distance. It was definitely Lemon's voice, and it sounded like he was shouting "Waheeeeeey!".

This can only end well. He thought, as he ran towards the sound of inevitable catastrophe.

Chap 7: A Royal Pain

"Waheeeey!"

"There, now you've got it!"

There was little conversation whilst eating. Lemon was greedily mashing his face into his lemon pie and Rainbow Dash was simply eating her rainbow doughnuts wile watching him curiously. It didn't take long for them to be done, and to leave, whereby Rainbow again tried to steer them into the right direction.

"So now that you've eaten, we should go find your friend. He's probably reading with Twilight. I know he said something about going to see her, and between you and me, I think he's kind of an egghead." she said, smirking.

"Now now, that's not fair. He can be fun too" Lemon responded defensively.

"Yeah whatever. Anyway let's go find him."

"Nah, he's probably still a little pissed at me, for last night. Hey how about we do something fun instead?"

"Like what?"

"Show me some cool flying tricks."

"How about I teach you some? Your friend told me about how you guys can't fly right so what if I got you both flying again?" said Rainbow, suddenly enthusiastic.

Immediately, she launched from the ground, and beckoned Lemon to follow her. To his credit, he tried, but still unsure of his feathered appendages, especially while hungover, he managed to amble up into the sky a few meters, and dared not move much from there, which elicited laughter from the rainbow flyer. Through a combination of encouragement and shoving, Rainbow Dash managed to get him higher still, much to his dismay, and his attitude soon made it clear to her he wasn't a fan of heights. Confronted with the notion of a pegasus with a fear of heights, this inspired her to push him further up, taking the 'tough love' approach to conquering fears.

Displaying aerial feats of agility and grace, rainbow set the precedent for Lemon to try and follow, and his attempts came out less graceful and more clumsy, as Rainbow silently thanked Celestia that the sky was fairly empty and not full of things for him to crash into, as her firsthand experience with crashing was not the most encouraging of experiences. She had also decided to subtly guide him towards Fluttershy's cottage, should the worst occur and Lemon needed medical attention. It may have been smarter to guide him toward the actual Hospital, but Rainbow wasn't the biggest fan of hospitals in the first place, and felt a gentle friend would do better for nursing crash-wounds.

It didn't take Lemon all too long to become accustomed to flying however, as, much to his own surprise, natural pegasus instincts began to take root, and he found himself swimming through the air comfortably, and soon enough he even managed to apply 'style' to his flight, though to his instructor he came off as flashy and soft. When she would take up speed and dive through impressive aerial maneuvers, he would simply glide along, and attempt to show himself off to the only observers around, that being Rainbow Dash and various confused birds.

It only took a few minutes however, for Rainbow Dash to get brash, and as she kept pushing him higher and higher, he noticed his height less and less, enamoured in the joy of flight, and more willing to try the exciting and fast moves Rainbow was showing him. As they reached a certain height, they took a moment to rest on a nearby cloud. Probably Rainbow's napping cloud.

"You wanna try something really fun?" she asked him, almost smugly.

"Like what?"

"A long dive. You heard about my sonic rainboom right? I'll bet you could pull off something similar from a dive."

"I dunno man, I mean I already ate dirt once today." he replied, tentatively.

"Oh come on. You've got much better control than only a few minutes ago, I'll bet you could pull of a dive and a recovery in 10 seconds flat!"

Lemon peered over the edge of the cloud, now taking in their actual height, and found himself suddenly nervous once more. He even took the time to observe the way that, at this height, the ground appeared to coming towards him. In fact, it was approaching quite rapidly, and as he attempted to pull back, he instead found his hooves stretching out infront of his face, and he realized he was falling.

She'd pushed him off. Like a bird.

Instead of the fear of the ground rushing towards him, Lemon found himself feeling the pump of adrenaline, and the instant he flared his wings the suddenly control was incredible.

"Oh christ he's doing something" muttered Zegram as he heard Lemon shouting. Immediately he began to jog towards the sound, dreading what level of destruction he'd find. What he found instead was the sight of something rushing down the street incredibly fast. His first assumption was that it might be Rainbow Dash, fleeing from the scene, but the lack of colours tipped him off. He craned his neck a little higher to see, as he jogged, and found simply that the object was growing. It took him all of a second to figure out it was headed toward him, and as it grew constantly larger, his heart raced as he felt he was about to be struck. Immediately he dipped his head down and flattened himself against the ground, as the green and yellow streak that was quite clearly Lemon rushed overhead at mach 7, almost tearing him from the ground in the wake.

"SMOKIN' JESUS TITTY CINNAMON!" he shouted, and found that as the second streak, this one more colourful rushed past his head aswell, barely brushing against his ears, his heart had stopped for a second. He managed to keep sight of the two, now a pair of small specks, as they rose up in the air again, and dove once more, and came again down the same street. Zegram ducked his head down again, as the two rushed overhead a second time, back in the direction they'd come, and began to follow after them, now running. He expected to hear the sounds of a horrific crash at any second, and when none came his mind raced as to what else could happen. here he was, just managing to sort their biggest problem, and now Lemon was off creating more havoc.

Without much thought as he ran, Zegram began to twitch his wings as he ran, and after a few more feet they opened up, lifting him off the ground. He barely noticed, as his legs kept kicking, tapping against the ground a few times before a single, instinctive flap hefted him higher up, and he began to pick up serious speed. It was only when he began to head over the tops of houses that he even noticed he was no longer running.

Hooo fuck, okay. Don't fall don't fall don't fall I'M FALLING I'M FALLING FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP Okay, okay now we're clear

His speed picked up more, and he still kept the two dots in sight. He recognized the sight of Fluttershy's cottage as he passed over it, and the sight of the everfree closing in. The two dots that he was certain were still Rainbow and Lemon were still some distance ahead of him, though now close enough that he saw their colours.

I wonder why I'm not being assaulted in the face by her rainbow trail he thought, distracted for a moment. It took only a moment for him to come face to face with a world of colours, and the soft impact of his face on something plush and fuzzy. The accompanying "Hey!" was confusing, but as he came to a halt, his face lost contact and he discovered that he had effectively kissed two rumps in two days.

"Gee grum, I didn't think you liked her." laughed Lemon, followed by a blue hoof accosting him across the snout.

"We were going to come find you, you didn't have to chase us" she said to Zegram, still rubbing his nose. Atleast the impact had been soft, though now he had the smell of skittles stuck in his nose.

"Yeah so uh...were you two headed for the forest?" he asked.

"I...think so. I hadn't really noticed where we were going really." said Lemon.

The three were distracted however, by the distant sound of derisive cackling. They turned to it's source to find the slender form of Discord hovering not too far from them, laughing. He had managed to accomplish the feat of rolling around, in the air.

"And just what's so funny!?" demanded Rainbow, as was to be expected.

"Probably the sight of your butt getting kissed." said Lemon, starting to chuckle himself.

"Yeah so if you could just shut up right now, they might still find your corpse." grumbled Zegram to his giggling yellow friend, who couldn't help but respond "Taste the rainbow!" prompting them both and Discord, who aside from laughing his head off, literally, burst into a fit of heavy cackling. Even Rainbow was smiling, though she tried her hardest to appear unamused.

Discord then lazily flew over to them, and wrapped his arms around Lemon's and Zegram's necks.

"Oh you two are just too much! We really should hang out more often. I do love Fluttershy's company but she can scarcely be as much fun as you two are!" he gloated.

"Okay, enough fun" said Rainbow Dash, cutting in on the giggles. "We really should get you to Twilight."

"But I already saw her today" said Zegram

"That means you can come down and have some more fun!" came a cheery voice from down below. The four of them looked down to the sight of a little pink blob calling up to them, and as they descended to the ground Pinkie was bouncing around in circles, for no apparent reason.

"The pink one..." hissed Zegram, shifting behind Discord and pointing an accusing hoof at her from behind him. Obviously, this caused him to start laughing again.

"Hey Dashie!" she called, trotting up to her friend. "Twilight and the others have been looking for you! And you two!" she said, turning to Lemon and Zegram. Almost as if on cue, the other four element bearers arrived, seemingly from nowhere, all sporting saddlebags. Twilight had a letter held aloft with her magic, and she approached them all ahead of the others.

"The Princess wrote back to me!" she called out, before drawing near. "She says she wants to meet with you two. A very high honour. She says that she's even sent for a carriage to come and collect us all." she said, rather proudly. Rarity, Fluttershy and Applejack where talking amongst themselves, and Pinkie and Rainbow were simply looking at the two as Twilight was. Only Discord seemed to have any actual feelings towards the proceedings, and he was clearly displeased. Unannounced, he made his exit in a simple poof of smoke. Only Lemon and Zegram seemed to notice, the latter because he was previously hid behind said dragonequus.

"So it begins." said Lemon, uncharacteristically solemnly.

"Gotta earn that adventure tag." muttered Zegram, in bitter defeat.

While Twilight, Pinkie and Rainbow where occupied discussing the contents of the latter and their plans for their visit to Canterlot, Applejack approached the two, while Rarity and Fluttershy continued nattering about spa-days long past.

"Mr Lemon, ah done told Big Mac 'bout yer taste fer drinkin', since ah thought it was pretty funny how drunk ya got, an he reckons he'd like to challenge you to a drinkin' contest sometime. Hope yer up to it, 'cause ah reckon it'd be funnier'n anything." she said, shooting Lemon a smug smirk.

"I'LL DO IT!" he shouted, heroically, striking a pose.

"NO NO DONT DO THAT IT CAN ONLY END BADLY" Zegram interjected hastily, remembering the dampness on his face. It didn't dry up until morning, and left the fur on his face slightly matted. His only resolution had been to rub his face in the dirt in an effort to 'comb' it when he landed that morning. He didn't want to repeat that.

Applejack couldn't help but chuckle.

"Still sour 'bout yer muzzle there sugarcube? Ah thank he thought y'all were a mare. He was pretty hammered." she said, still chortling to herself.

"No." grumbled Zegram. "No he didn't."

Upon hearing this, Lemon adopted a prideful air. He damn sure didn't think that, no sir.

"Well I for one think you two make a lovely couple. You won't find Ponyville lagging behind with the times, er...much." said Rarity, who had approached the group with Fluttershy, who was refusing to say anything.

"HA HA NO" said Zegram, now irked.

"Girls? We'd best get ready for the carriage." said Twilight, as if trying to break up the future argument. "Did you two leave anything behind? Wouldn't want to forget your personal affects if you're going back home." she said to Lemon and Zegram.

"Aww! You're leaving? Already? We only got to have one party!" said Pinkie.

"Y'all didn't say you were leavin' today."

"It hardly seems fair dear. I didn't even get to treat you boys to a day of pampering."

"YEAH OKAY" barked Zegram, his ire only burning hotter when Lemon tried to whisper to him "Dude cool down"

"Anyway..." he continued. "Yes, we left our own saddlebags up at Rainbow Dash's place."

With that, Rainbow launched from the ground, and in a Rainbow streak flew off with speed.

"She'll be right back with them." said Twilight, depositing the letter she'd been holding aloft for a pointless length of time now, into her own saddlebag.

It was then that a carriage flew in from the sky above Ponyville, small in size and drawn by two solar guardsponies. Twilight appeared deflated, as if she had expected, or wanted, the princess to be present for the ride, but no such luck. As Twilight, Rarity, Applejack and Pinkie Pie boarded the carriage, all four barely fitting, Zegram was curious.

"Is there a second one? I mean that thing can't fit another one of us." he asked. Behind him, Rainbow Dash began to giggle.

"Uhm...well you're both pegasus right so uhm...we'll be flying behind the carriage, uhm, if that's-if that's okay with you that is." said Fluttershy quietly.

"That's right!" barked Rainbow. "Lemon here is a decent flyer, and if my flank has any say on it, so are you."

Zegram simply huffed. He felt nervous about the prospect of flying any distance, but he had to admit that, save for a collision with a rump, he had rather enjoyed the surprising ease with which he'd taken flight. He mused for a moment how long it would take them to get tired, but surely a rest-stop or two would not be out of the question. The two guardsponies drawing the carriage would need a rest also, would they not?

They did not. They flew the entire journey without rest. What was more, they barely seemed to have broken a sweat, as neither Rainbow or Fluttershy had either, once they'd arrived at the castle's carriage bay.

Zegram however, was shattered. He was capable of athletics, that he knew. But he had power, not stamina. The long flight had drained him of the will to move. Even Lemon seemed fairly at ease when they all landed, though he was visibly panting. Whether it was due to exertion or some other reason, Zegram would never know.

Upon touching down, Zegram's legs had given out, despite them not being the limbs that had just been overused. His wings hadn't even the strength to fold up, and so they lay limp at his sides. In an act of compassion which served only to produce more embarrassment, Lemon had opted to lift Zegram up onto his back, saddlebags and all.

The others, as the landed and disembarked from the carriage showed concern, save for Applejack and Rainbow Dash, who found the scene funny, as did the guardsponies.

"Can you handle that?" asked Twilight, as she walked beside Lemon as Zegram lay across his back.

"Aah, sure. He's taller than me sure, but he's light as the feathers on his wings." he replied, to which Zegram responded by wheezing into his ear.

"You're taking to this whole pony body thing to a creepy degree." he whispered. The response he got was a lash from Lemon's tail across his muzzle.

As the group passed by the guardsponies, now removing the carriage harness, one of them couldn't help but chuckle and mutter something.

"All tuckered out, poor colt." he said. Zegram heard this, and couldn't abide it.

"OH I'M SORRY" he barked, now removing himself from Lemon's back and getting steadily to his hooves. "I DON'T KEEP A STRICT TRAINING REGIME OF FAILURE."

"What'd you say, colt?" asked the guard, now angered. "And what do you know of failure, flightless?"

"Oh not much. You know, all those riveting tales of the guards' successes during those big dramatic events, like that Nightmare Moon thing where you guys saved the da-oh wait, no that was the girls over there. Ok but that time with the changeling invasion you guys were...you were all defeated actually I think, saved by THE POWER OF LURVE. Oh but you guys were INSTRUMENTAL in the whole crystal empire escapa-oh wait, I don't think you guards were even there. At all."

He was now having a stare-down with the guardspony, who was clearly flustered, but moreso he was confused. He had no idea how this one mouthy pegasus had come to know of these events, or the details of their resolution.

"Yeah, well..." he stammered. "Sh-shutup!" His colleague, likely older and wiser, burst into a fit of wheezing laughter. This prompted Twilight to step forward.

"Gentlecolts, these two fellows are esteemed guests of myself, and due to the royal invitation that you surely know of, The Princess. A little more respect would be in order sirs." she said to them.

"Ofcourse, Princess Twilight." said the older one, who was done chuckling. "Come, Sky Dancer. We've duties to attend."

"Sky Dancer!?" Zegram couldn't help but laugh. Lemon chuckled some aswell, though the other six, the element bearers, simply rolled their eyes. The name wasn't all that unusual or funny to them. As the two guardsponies made way to their duties, Twilight beckoned the group to follower her as she led the way to the palace grounds.

Zegram and Lemon both took the journey as an opportunity to take in the sights of the place they'd only 'seen' per descriptions, which had all been embellishments and exaggerations. Canterlot wasn't so much a city, as it was a series of thin and narrow streets that weaved in between the massive towers of the castle that made up Canterlot as seen from afar. Perhaps it counted as a city, but it was more of a neat and polished slum for the rich, as no street seemed to have room for more than three ponies to walk side-by-side. There was one open area, a small square, though it was more of a circle, which a statue on a fountain. The homes, as they seemed to be, either side, were akin to cottages, but they were simply faces, as the actual dwellings were built into the massive rock towers of the castle.

Eerily, the streets were also empty. Every few corners, a pair of guards, white of coat and donning their golden armour, were stood at the corners. As Twilight and her group passed by each pair, they received just a stoic salute. Not even eye contact. As they drew nearer the palace grounds however, which they could all tell by the streets widening up and the cobble roads being replaced with flat paving, not to mention the massive face of the royal palace staring them in their...well their faces, the makeup of the guards varied. Instead of a single pair surrounding the massive shallow stairs, there were two. On one side, a pair of the white-coated guardsponies, one unicorn and one pegasus. On the other, with their dark coats, golden eyes and purple armor, a pair of bat-ponies. The sight seemed to stir some concern among the group, save for Lemon, who was entranced. Immediately, he trotted over to them, and began oohing and aahing at them.

"Ohhh man, you guys are so cool! I wish I was one of you bat guys. All sleek and shit like, dark crusaders of the night." he cooed.

They simply ignored him. Flattered though they were, seeing as how rarely a bat-pony received positive attention, least of all in Canterlot, a place they would hesitate to call 'Welcoming' to all species, they were on duty, and stoicism was the word of the day. As it was, every day. Or night.

As they all made their way to the palace doors, which were opened for them, Twilight was instantly beset by a small legion of her personal attendants, the soft-maned marble-coated mares that bore a striking resemblance to Fluttershy, which only Lemon and Zegram seemed to notice, and Twilight attempted gingerly to assure them and to tell them to leave her be.

And there she was. In the middle of the corridoor, leading to her throne room, the Princess. Large and in-charge, she stood majestically, appearing in motion without moving. Far removed from the visual depictions the two had seen before, she commanded gravitas by her mere presence. Tall and imposing, yet with an elegant and graceful form. Zegram wondered how in the blue hell her mane managed to tune into the solar winds that were blowing her mane and tail, whilst Lemon wondered if it tasted of sherbert.

"Twilight! My dearest student!" she said, a voice as smooth as a cotton rug, and took a few steps to receive the incoming hug. "And the bearers of the Elements of Harmony! A joy it is to see you all!"

With that, her massive head turned, as she glanced at Lemon and Zegram.

"And you must be the visitors. Twilight didn't include your names I'm afraid, but she has told me of your extensive knowledge, and of your predicament. I am Princess Celestia, and I must confess, upon discovering that you are not from the world within the mirror, I was at a loss. I've no strong ideas as to what other worlds beyond ours and the mirror exist, or how to travel between them. My sister, Luna, however, claims to know of certain other worlds. One of the few benefits of her time spent in the moon, it seems. I would have asked her to be here to meet you today, but she also has guests arriving today. Friends of hers that I have not had the pleasure of meeting, though she speaks of them most fondly. They too, are visitors from far away. Perhaps you might meet them. It would be curious to say the least."

At that moment, as if on cue, the doors behind Celestia opened. With a small troop of bat-ponies, around 6 to be exact, came Princess Luna. Smaller than her sister, and her presence far less commanding and more soothing, she strode with a stiff and regal air. Perhaps a symptom of old habits, a remnant of her having to adjust to modern times. Upon entering the corridoor however, Luna locked eyes on the group, and approached, her entourage hanging behind her.

"Twilight! 'tis everso good to see thee this day, as one doest rarely have the chance for a visit. I wouldst hope thy time is not too full, as I have visitors who would shortly arrive that I wouldst love for thee to meet!" she said to Twilight, who seemed excited by the notion. Little attention was paid to the other 5 element bearers, who were hanging a few paces behind Twilight, occupied amongst themselves with chatter.

Immediately after speaking to Twilight, Luna turned to Lemon and Zegram, and her face lit up with joy.

"MY FRIENDS!" she cried, and trotted over to the two, hugging them both.

"Hey Lulu!" said Lemon
"Luluuuu!" said Zegram, as the two hugged her back.

Celestia and the elements all stood, staring, slack-jawed. It was only Twilight who spoke up through the shock and awe.

"WHAT!?"

Author's Note

YEA THATS RIGHT

WE WERE FRIENDS WITH LUNA ALL ALONG AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Flashback/prequel/whatever you call it coming next. Stay tuned to find out how this all came to be!

Chap 0: COMBUSTIBLE LEMONS!?

"WHAT!?" shouted Twilight, her voice reverberating through the hall.

"So these two are the friends from the other world?" remarked Celestia.

"The Mirror...?" said Fluttershy
"These guys?" said Rainbow
"Y'all're from another dimension!?" said Applejack
"Wow! That is super cool!" said Pinkie
Rarity said nothing, as she had fainted.

"Glorious as the sun..." remarked Lemon, staring at Celestia.
"'bout as subtle, too." commented Zegram, also staring at her.

"You...you didn't think to tell me this!?" demanded Twilight. "You didn't think that the fact that you and Princess Luna knew eachother was important!? After all that you already DID tell me!?"

"Well, to be fair..." began Zegram, as he turned to look at Lemon, who looked back at him.
"I imagined the look on your face when you'd find out like this..." he continued, as a smile began to spread across his face.
"...and it was worth it." he said, as he and Lemon descended into laughter. Celestia looked unamused, and managed to catch Luna as her face began showing signs of amusement. A mean glare later, and Luna had to rise above it.

"My friends, 'twas a terrible joke to pull on our newest princess. Even if 'twas rather amusing."

Twlight began to fume as her Bannermares surrounded her in an attempt to calm and reassure her. The other five elements joined in, deciding to hide their amusement at an admittedly mean prank by tending to their friend.

"They...they were already...but they, aaand we were...but they were new!" Twilight stammered.
"Now now my princess, it's okay! It was a mean joke is all!" said one of her bannermares.
"Stallions do have such poor senses of humour." said another.
"Now now sugarcube. Y'all gotta stay calm. Ain't good fer yer health ta be like this." said Applejack.

"Twilight, my dearest student. While I find their prank in poor taste, we must focus on the matter at hand. Luna's friends, and I do still hope your friends..." began Celestia.

"Well ofcourse princess! But I-" started Twilight, as her mentor cut her off.

"...are trapped here in Equestria. Now that we are all aware that they do not belong here, it is important that we figure out a way to allow them to return home. They must surely wish to at least have the option. However, first, it would be very nice if we could ascertain..." but Celestia was cut off by the sound of a large splash, and Zegram shouting "SIX POINT FOUR!" with Lemon following it up a second later with "WOOF!"

"...what exactly your story is." Celestia demanded, in a commanding tone.

"Where'd y'all get that apple juice anyhow?" asked Applejack.

Luna took a sheepish attitude, being drenched in Applejuice, and with a midnight blue glow from her horn, dried herself off in an instant.

"Alright so, uh..." began Zegram. "Well it started a couple days ago..."

A young man in Texas, America, was sat at his computer one night. He had skype and a few windows open during his nightly browsing, and he received a skype call from a friend of his. "Weehaa", he answered as he picked up the call.

"DUDE!" said the Englishman on the other end. "DUDE I JUST WON THE FUCKING LOTTERY!"
"DUDE! NOICE!" he replied.

"Now I know this is a fiction!" said Pinkie Pie.
"Shush, you" said Lemon.

"So, what're you gonna do?" said the Texan.
"Ok firstly I'm going to fucking wasted!" said the Englishman, and promptly hung up. Unsure of what to make of it, the Texan decided to simply call it a night and go to sleep.

Come the morning, he booted his computer and re-opened skype. he had recieved some messages in the night from his friend. They were some hours old, but his friend was currently still online.

Lemon: Dude I bought a moonrock! 0:28 AM
Lemon: But I have to go pick it up from somewhere 0:28 AM
Lemon: sucks :I 0:29 AM

As soon as the Texan began typing, he recieved a call.
"Where you going to pick this up from?" he said as he picked up.
"Dude I'm coming to Texas!" said the man who was clearly Lemon.
"Dude Zegram! Come to the space center, it's where I'm picking it up!"
"What? Like, when?"
"Today! I just got off the plane!"
"How are you skyping?"
"I bought a smartphone!"
"What, but you said you never wanted one of those."
"I'm rich BIATCH!"said Lemon, and promptly hung up again.

Ok, fine he thought. Fuck it, I ain't got much to do today. It's Summer, I ain't got school.

With that, he called out to his mother.

"Mom? Here's question for ya. Can I go meet my 21 year-old gay European friend? He's here in Texas."
"Don't be ridiculous, ofcourse not!" came the reply.
"Well what if this was a fiction about colourful ponies?"
"Well if you put it that way I guess I can't stop you. Plot device an' all."

Another skype call and an hour later, the two young men were in a taxi together, headed for the space center. During the ride the two discussed various inane things, as the Englishman who answered to Lemon nattered on and on about how excited he was to be wealthy, and Zegram chimed in with stupid but hilarious ideas of what to do with the money.

After the ride, the two young men arrived, and were met by a small group. Two scientist-looking types and three men who were clearly some form of security. In the hands of one of the scientists was a small object, wrapped in paper.

"Mr. uh...Mr. Largepeen?" said the one holding the object, somewhat nervously.

"That's me!" responded Lemon.
"Largepeen?" asked Zegram.
"My Email address."
"Hah."

The exchange, despite being out infront of the space center in the parking lot, felt like a drug deal. Once the package was received, the scientists and their security left without a word, leaving the two guys standing there, confused.

"Did..." began Lemon. "Did we just do a crime?"
"I don't...think so" said Zegram.

After a while, the two had gone to a nearby park, where they planned to inspect their package.

"Why did you even buy a moonrock anyway?" said Zegram
"Moon rocks are cool man." said Lemon, as he began unwrapping the paper. Inside, the package was still wrapped, but in tin-foil. After opening the second layer, the rock inside was not as expected. Instead of a dull grey moonrock they both expected, what they found in their possession was something more alike a crystal of sorts. Blue, almost shiny, and with a kind of glitter appearance, the rock was indeed strange to look at. It even seemed to resonate somehow, with an unusual sensation. Looking at it caused the two to feel a strange sensation of vastness and motion.

"Haha, cool! I own the weirdest moonrock I've ever seen!" said Lemon. Immediately he began to prod at it, giggling like an idiot. This did not last long however, as soon the rock began to shake, violently.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO" shouted Zegram, seeing this, and as Lemon dropped the rock in surprise, dark blue electricity appeared to arc from it. The bolts arced further, and as the two backed off, they rapidly began to form an oval shape in the air infront of them. As the dark blue glow and the sound of electrical zapping continued, the oval shape began to fill in. First came a blackness, and then small white lights. Their distance was clear, and what they were seeing was obviously space. They also noticed the ground behind the oval had became grey, and dusty in appearance.

"What." began Lemon.
"That's the fucking moon. You just opened a portal to the moon. Why did you open a portal to the moon?" said Zegram, in shock. "WHAT THE SHIT MAN THERE'S A PORTAL TO THE MOON AND...AND WHAT THE FUCK"

At this point, the two had noticed a blue face. Dark blue, and clearly some kind of horse. It's effervescent mane, glinting with pinprick starlights, it's long blue horn, and it's near-black tiara were very distinct.

This was Princess Luna.

"Hm? What is the meaning of this?" she asked, calm yet commanding.

"Yeah uh..h-hi your maj-" but he cut himself off and turned to Lemon. "ALRIGHT WHAT THE FUCK."

But his attempt to elicit some sense of the situation was for naught. Lemon was enraptured. His face alight with an expression of joy and excitement, he immediately bent down onto one knee.

"Your Majesty! My Princess! Ohmygod! Holyfuck it's you you're here ohman." he said, apparently to the ground.

"Well?" she demanded again.

"Well uh, so we bought a rock, and uhm, we touched it and then this portal opened and I don't know." said Zegram, still confused.

"Oh man! My Princess! My Liege! Man I would never have thought this would ever happen but ohmygod it's happening like you're here and you're prettymuch my favourite and oh man oh man DUDE IT'S THE BEST PRINCESS LIKE HOLY FUCK MAN I THINK IM GOING TO DIE HAHAHAAAA."

"You flatter me." said Luna, who actually seemed genuinely flattered. She then took a few steps forward, and stuck her head through the portal, and immediately she took on a more excited attitude.

"Oh my! I know of this place!"

"What." said Zegram, now wallowing in the nonsense of it all.

Luna took some more steps through, only to be enveloped in the same dark blue light around the portal, and her form rapidly changed, taken up by that of a tall human woman with long dark wavy hair, hanging over her shoulders and down to the small of her back which seemed to shimmer with a blue sheen, sporting a long and thin elegant dress of midnight blue. It was sleek and formal, but it had a practical style to it. Her large horn was gone, as was her tiara, replaced by a black headband, simple yet elegant. On her feet she had a pair of sleek boots, that extended past the hem of the dress, leaving no part of her legs exposed. They almost looked modern. She even had a belt, with a crescent moon belt buckle.

The two young men simply stood, and stared. She was taller than the tallest of the two by two feet and cut an imposing figure despite her slender frame, at 8 feet tall.

"Oh! I recall this aswell!" she exclaimed as she bent down and picked up the rock that had produced the portal, Lemon's very expensive moonrock. As she picked it up, the portal fizzeld and poofed away, leaving the three stood alone in a park.

"What." the two said in unison.
Zegram was the one speak up immediately after.

"H-how do you know this place?"

"Well, if I do recall correctly, this is the place where a ruthless tyrant was banished to, long ago. A Centaur warlord by the name of Tirek, leader of a very violent horde of Minotaurs. My sister and I banished him here for his crimes." and with this she turned to Lemon specifically. "I take it you know of my sister, since you seem so fond of me?"

"Y..yea" said Lemon, the shock of the event settling in now that his excitement had faded some.

"Well, from what I've heard, soon after his banishment to his place, he went mad. Named himself Genghis Khan or something similar. I remember as he was banished, he cursed at us, and vowed to raise a new mongul horde."

Immediately the tow looked at eachother with surprise, and again spoke in unison.

"Well fuck"

"I'd often wondered about this place that we'd sent him to. Seems I have the chance to properly visit now." said Luna, with suppressed excitement in her voice.

"Yeah ok uhm, just hold o-" began Zegram, but was cut off.
"WE'LL BE GLAD TO SHOW YOU AROUND PRINCESS!" exclaimed Lemon.

~~CUE MONTAGE~~

The trio went to a mini-golf course, and played a round. At first Luna found the activity confusing, but she quickly adapted, and displayed an adept natural affinity for it. It was an indoor course, lit purely with flourescent "black" lighting. When they were inside, Zegram noticed Lemon was glowing completely white under the light, and simply muttered "Ew".

After that, the trio moved to a Natural History Museum. Their first port of call was ofcourse the dinosaur skeletons, whereby Luna, upon seeing a T-Rex skeleton, was confused.

"It's arms are missing!" she said.
"What? No, they're right there, they're just tiny."
"No, not that pair, the larger pair."
"Oh..."

Their third stop was a zoo. The two silently wondered how Luna would handle the sight of animals in captivity, but their fears were abated by her enthusiasm. perhaps her royalty lad her to having some form of superiority complex that made the concept of a zoo alright with her.

That was however, until they went to see the primates. At first Luna was enjoying herself, but as she made eye contact with a gorilla, she narrowed her eyes, stepped back and, for the first time, Zegram and Lemon heard her use The Royal Canterlot Voice.

"WHAT DIDST THOU SAY TO ME, MORTAL!?" she demanded form the gorilla, who immediately backed away from the window, ran, and hid. At this point, Luna was drawing more attention than just her height. People were whispering, and children were pointing.

Their final stop was an arcade. Called 'Main-Event', it was a colourful place, jam packed with various videogames and even some air-hockey tables. The place appeared to resonate with Luna, as she lit up with excitement more than anywhere they'd been thus far. It was lucky Lemon was a lottery-winner, as Luna must have spent several thousand dollars in the space of only a few hours, hopping from machine to machine, engaging with these videogames on a level that was not expected of an 8 foot tall woman. Again, people were staring and pointing and whispering. However, here in this arcade, their faces were all smiles. She was a spectacle, but unlike in the zoo, she was seemingly welcomed. Approached by various people, Luna was caught up in talks about the various games on offer, and had even gotten into a discussion about tactics playing a fighting game that Luna had only just logged an hour and a half of playing.

The attitude changed however, after a round on the strength-test game. Zegram was the first to hit, and he managed to hit the bell. Luna seemed impressed by this, and even clapped for him. Lemon was the second, and though he had more stamina, his actual strength was not up to par, and he only reached halfway with his blow. Luna still clapped.

When it came to her turn however, her blow broke the device. Not in the cliched form of the bell being struck from it with force. The strike pad was simply crushed.

With that, the trio decided to make a hasty exit.

As the day drew to a close, they decided on going to see a movie. It would have been a good way to end the day, had the theatre not been showing the one film that the two did NOT want to see. Even Luna was shocked and upset to see the Equestria Girls poster.

"What is the meaning of this!? What manner of Tartarus have we banished Tirek to!? Thou livest here?" she demanded.

"Yeah so uhm..." began Zegram. Lemon dared not have this discussion with his favourite royal.
"So in this universe uh...you and all the ponies are uh...ca-cartoons..."

Unexpectedly, Luna simply sighed, and put her head in her hands.

"By my mane, not again." she muttered. "A wonderful day though it has been, I feel I must return home. You two have shown me a good day in this world I've failed to visit as of yet, and for that I thank you."

With this, she turned to Lemon. "You sir. The stone of the portal belongs to you I take it? Wouldst I be permitted to use it, that I may open the portal once more?"

Lemon didn't even hesitate, and presented her the rock. As she took it from him, she didn't prod at it as he had done, but held it between her palms, and seemed to press on it. Again, it's power arced and flared, and again the portal opened revealing the surface of the moon.

"Wouldst thou share with me your names?"

As luck would have it, at the moment the two told Luna their names, a very angry truck driver was caught in traffic, and loudly expressed his displeasure with a blaring of his horn. Luna heard their names ofcourse.

As she stepped halfway through the portal, Luna turned to the two again. Her face was now, if anything, inviting.
"Wouldst thou care to join me?"

"Oh...oh I dunno man-" said Zegram.
"YES. BY ODINS BEARD YES." said Lemon.

"Odin? You know him? How is he doing?" asked Luna.

"Uh, his son killed all the ice giants I think." said Lemon.

"I expected as much. I did notice there aren't any around." she said.

Zegram decided to pull Lemon aside at this moment.

"Look man are you sure about this?" he asked.

"What? Ofcourse! Dude this is like, some trippy shit out of a fic!"

Zegram just looked at him with a stern face.

"Anyway" he said. "I don't know about this man I mean, say we can't come back?"

"But I have the rock! I mean Luna has the rock!"

"But that's the moon right there!"

"Pretty sure it's okay. It's not even our moon."

"What's the difference?"

"I feel a breeze."

"You know that actually makes sense. FINE. Fine let's just go."

"Awesome!"

With that, the two turned to Luna, and followed her through the portal. The sensation of transformation as they stepped through could be described as nothing short of painful, but brief. Immediately falling to the floor on account of having never experienced a pony body before however, was somewhat more embarrassing, if painless.

What startled them more, however, was the way in which the rock that Luna had held in her magic began to shake violently again. As the portal fizzled out a second time, the rock shook and shook, before exploding in a mild 'paff' and showering blue glittery dust on the ground.

Lemon lowered his new nose to the ground near the dust and simply stared at it.
"Oooohhhhhh" he said.

Zegram however, was furious.

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCK"

Author's Note

SPECIAL FEATURE: A Letter to Sunbutt

Dear Princess Sunbutt,
Watcha dooooooooooin'? Because im doing nothing. At all. I swear. Well nothing on purpose. You see, Pinkie Pie wanted to know what it was like being a Draconequus. So, being the generous chimera that I am, I obliged her. Now this would've gone off without a hilarious hitch had Pinkie not had a Disco ball lodged in 'Hammerspace' at the time. This caused the spell to split and hit her friends and well to keep this short, Your "Brilliant Personal Protege" is having a Magic Surge/Panic Attack/Giggle Fit. Now normally id let this carry on while snacking on pop-corn buckets out of a giant hollowed out kernal but right now she IS a Draconequss. Im sure I dont need to remind you what happened the last time a Draconequus had a magic surge. (By the way, How ARE the Flutterponies doing? I heard they eat emotions now.) Please come at your earliest convience.

Yours Truely,
Discord Q.
P.S. Did you get my other letters from today?

Sunbutt Responds:

To answer your question Discord, Yes I DID recieve your other letters.
All 7,968 of them. Excluding this one of course.
You know, its funny. I was juuuust about to write a calm, nice letter back to you about spamming somepony with messages when you're bored.
Then I got this letter.

I DONT FUCKING CARE, IVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS FUCKING SHIT ALL DAY.
TELL ME, DID YOU ENCHANT THE LETTERS TO DO STUPID SHIT? BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY'VE BEEN DOING. THEY'VE LANDED ON MY HEAD, ON MY FOOD, IN MY DRINKS, ON OTHER PONYS HEADS, IN THEIR FOOD, ETC. AND I COULD FORGIVE ALL OF THIS.

IF YOU HADNT SENT THE PICTURES FROM OUR LITTLE PHASE (NICE ASS BY THE WAY, AT LEAST THE HIPPOGRIFF AMBASSADOR THINKS SO).
NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, I THINK I'LL RIP YOU TO PIECES AND RE-ASSEMBLE YOU AT RANDOM. AGAIN.
FUCK YOU, YOU BITCH-ASS LITTLE-SHIT.

YOUR ANGRY RULER,
CELESTIA SOL GALAXIAE.

P.S. I just read the letter for real ill be there in 5 minutes dont let her touch anything actually you dont touch anything either nopony touch anything not even the ground

A Letter to Sunbutt special feature brought to you by RustyServbot

Chap 8: It Begins

"A curious tale. Why did you not tell me of these events, sister?" Asked Celestia, after considering the tale she'd just heard for a minute.

"I decided I shouldst wait until my friends here had come to visit me once more, and it would have made an entertaining dinner-time story." said Luna, somewhat defensively. "Upon their arrival here to the castle with myself, they were in need of assistance, and I equipped them with the means to travel and stay here in Equestria whilst they went forth to gather the help they would need to return home. I sent them with instructions to seek out Ms Sparkle in the hopes that she would be able to assist."

"But they didn't tell me any of that! The only told me they were looking around at first!" claimed Twilight.

"Y'all only told me that'chall were lookin' around!" defended Applejack.

"In our defense" said Zegram. "We really were just looking around."

"At first."

Before any of the other ponies gathered around had time to interject, Celestia took the floor.

"Luna, my sister, would you still happen to have the remains of this stone?" she asked.

"It exploded." said Lemon, blankly. "It's just dust now. Went 'paff' and everything."

"I do not suppose anything could be done with the dust, could it?" asked Luna, to noone in particular.

"We must figure something out. Princess Celestia? Princess Luna? Is there nothing we can look for that might hold a similar power? Is there nothing we can do?" asked Twilight, now filling with a rising determination. She felt that whilst these two outlanders were not the most pleasant or sensible, they were deserving of a chance to return home. Also, the chance to be rid of them had some appeal.

"I will consult my libraries for any mention of any other worlds. Twilight did explain to me beforehoof that your world is not the one that we know of, and so I will search for the knowledge, though I must confess, currently I have no recollection of any such worlds having ever existed, nor-" began Celestia, only to be interrupted by her sister Luna.

"'tis not true tia! We know of another such place, and 'tis the place I visited, where my friends here did come from. Dost thou not recall the place to whence we banished Tirek, the Centaur warlord from years ago?"

"I...do" said Celestia, realization dawning on her. "But I do not recall how we managed to open any such portal to that world, nor how we could do so again. However, this is encouraging. I will retire to my study, now that I know what I am looking for."

With that Celestia was away, leaving still the two remaining Princesses, the 5 other Element bearers, and the fuckwits. Twilight turned to her friends, the elements, and bid them to join her as she went for the larger Canterlot public library, which was back through the city. Both Pinkie and Applejack mentioned something about eating, and the six seemed to be getting ever so slightly excited at the notion of some food.

This left Luna, Lemon and Zegram in the main hall of the palace.

"Fort cardboard opens!" shouted Luna through the halls, her Royal voice reverberating through the castle's architecture with force. The fort's drawbridge was lowered with a single string, and Luna stepped out, a crude cardboard helmet atop her head.

"Friends, you know of so many hilarious activities! It shames me to think this, but I do so wish you could stay here in Equestria for all your days. We could have such fun, we three."

"Yeeeah I know the feel Lulu, but we have like, families at home and they're probably already worried, so yeah. Gotta get home sooner or later right?" said Zegram, turning to Lemon.

"I guess. I mean back home I'm filthy rich, but here I'm best friends with the best Princess." he replied.

"You flatter me once more!" said Luna, giggling.

"I could go either way, grum. My family might miss me but they'd get over it."

"Such drivel! You think that you aren't valued?" asked Luna, concerned.

"Oh for sure I'm valued back home, but when I left them to get the stone-"

"The very expensive rock that exploded" Zegram interjected.

"Yeah, that one. When I left to get it, my family knew that, I'm rich, I could spend the rest of my days hopping all over the world and having fun. So they'd be over it soon enough."

"Does that mean you would stay with me, here?" asked Luna, slightly hopeful.

"I dunno. You're awesome Lulu, but I just haven't really decided." replied Lemon, whilst Zegram was now a few feet away, trying to explain to a butler pony why they now wanted the large citadel of cardboard that was brought into the hall to be removed again. It wasn't necessary to explain, but Zegram wasn't royalty, and so was not used to simply making requests of the help.

The butler pony had arrived in the hall for another reason entirely however, and once Zegram was done explaining he promptly ignored him, and went about his duty.

"Her majesty requests you all in the throne room." he said, in the most stoic and deadpan tone that any living being could muster, and then immediately left.

In said throne room, Celestia was pacing the floor. Twilight and her friends were there, though this time without the entourage of bannermares, waiting. As Luna entered first, her two friends following close behind, Celestia stopped to look at them. The smile on her face confused them at first, due to the stressed look of her pacing, but it seems she was simply excited.

"I have found something!" she exclaimed. "An item of sorts. It is claimed to be a relic of chaos, one of sizeable power. It is supposedly a remnant from the defeat of Discord, and was meant to be his escape plan. I have had words with him about this item, and he recalls very little, but he does confirm that he did have a plan to leave this world upon his defeat, as he had not planned on being encased in stone."

"Most excellent!" exclaimed Luna.

"Really?" asked Zegram, his tone caustic and irritated.

"A magical MacGuffin? That's the solution to this" asked Lemon, equally sour.

"Oh I'm sorry." called out Twilight, matching their sarcastic venom. "Please let us know if anything in The Magical Land of Equestria isn't up to your standards."

Apparently, this was the height of equestrian sarcasm because her friends behind her couldn't contain their laughter. Even Fluttershy and the Princesses could scarcely stifle their giggles.

"I think...I think ponies just told a meta-joke." said Lemon to his friend, quietly.

"Nope. That's not funny." was his grumbling reply.

Luna was the one to break the laughing non-silence, bringing the topic back to matters at hand.

"Where shall we find this relic, Sister?"

"That is the detail I still lack. The only mention of it's whereabouts came from Discord himself, who claimed he placed it in a state of flux. He tells me that unless it has been found and taken already, it should be constantly moving."

"Oh that's just awesome! This is totally not going to take forever to find!" cried Zegram, frustrated at the endless flow of arbitrary obstacles.

"Please, if you have any better plans, we're all ears." said Celestia, as calmly as was possible for a voice to be when what was clearly intense irritation was veiled beneath.

"Welp. If it's a huntin' we will go, we're gonna need supplies. Ah reckon we oughta head to Appleoosa first. Ma cousin can help us with supplies and maybe even means of gettin' around." voted Applejack.

"No way! We oughta head to Cloudsdale. I can probably get us a team of Pegasi, and having fast eyes in the sky will let us track this thing in no time!" voted Rainbow Dash.

"Uhm, we could maybe go to the forest if, uhm, if we have time. I could probably get my animal friends to maybe help us look, if you'd all like." mumbled Fluttershy, just loud enough to be heard.

"Zecora might know something too. She has weird knowledge that I don't yet." chimed Twilight.

With that, the group looked at both Rarity and Pinkie Pie, expectantly waiting for them to volunteer their own plans.

"Sorry?" said Rarity. "It's not like I have some sort of affiliation here. The world of fashion isn't one suited to treasure hunts, and I refuse to speak to those awful Diamond Dogs. It's not as if I formed some sort of bond with them after my little episode in their lair." she said, defensively, whilst inspecting her own hoof, almost in the manner of a pose.

"And you Pinks?" said Lemon. "Got any ideas?"

"Nop!" Said Pinkie Pie, smiling.

Zegram gave her a perplexed look.

"You mean, 'Nope'?" he said.

"No, it says 'Nop' right here, see?" Says Pinkie Pie, showing him a piece of paper with the words 'SCRIPT' printed on it.

"That...that's a spelling error." said Zegram, pointing to it. "LEMON, YOU SPELLED 'NOPE' WRONG" he called out.

"SORRY, I CAN FIX IT" Lemon yelled back, having been distracted by a butlerpony with drinks.

"Do you wanna start over from the top or?" Said Pinkie.
"No, no, its fine, lets just continue where we left off." Said Zegram.

"So" said Celestia, trying to reign in the stupidity. "Where will you head to first?"

Author's Note

HÖH

I DID THIS ONE MYSELF (mostly)
NOTICE HOW IT'S NOT AS GOOD AS THE OTHER CHAPTERS
LÖL

HEY HERE'S AN IDEA.

Leave a comment and vote for which of the places you want the story to go to first. It's less a choice of omission and more a choice of order, because I plan to take this story to every location at least once, if not more.

SO MAKE A VOTE.
JEJ.

Chap 9: That's Apples Mate

"I'm ti~red!"

"Jeez mister, ah'dve thought you grownups could handle all this here walkin' better'n a few fillies."

"I'm totally fine, what're you talking about. It's just him that's whining."

"Screw you man it's too hot for me."

"Applebloom, be nice to 'im. He ain't even from 'questria. They do things differn'tly where he's from."

"Cain't be that diff'rent."

"Alright, story-time I guess."

The decision had been made. Since a long journey was indeed in the books, supplies were a concern. The first stop was then decreed to be Appleoosa, a trip which could easily have been accomplished via flying carriage, but was instead decided to be done on the ground, as it coincided with a chance for Big Mac and the Applebloom to tag along, taking the chance to make a delivery of a new breed of Apple unique to the Sweet Apple Acres.

Naturally, the little filly was remiss to be without her two friends, and so the three fillies joined the six mares and the three stallions on their journey, with Big Mac happily pulling the cart loaded with the rare produce. Twilight had opted to also bring Spike, so that he could spend the journey inspecting the cargo.

Currently, Twilight and her friends, sans Applejack, were discussing their plans in Appleoosa and the search overall. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie were mentioning gathering the help of the Buffalo tribes, whilst Twilight and Rarity were concerned about supplies. Fluttershy was keeping Spike company as he tediously inspected the apples. Applejack was striding at the head of the group, alongside Big Mac pulling the cart, and the two fuckwits, with the fillies bouncing around them.

Zegram had volunteered to tell tales of their human world, to keep the cutiemark crusaders occupied and out of everypony's manes, as they had been allowed to join the hunt on the premise that they were infact safer on the journey than being left alone in town. It helped that this resulted in the town being safer, also.

It was also helpful in keeping everypony's temper low, as Lemon had spent a good portion of the trip thus far passive-aggressively whining. His core complaint was the heat, which everypony else found to be negligible at best.

It was interesting to note however, that every time anypony attempted to tell him to be quiet, he simply huffed defiantly, save for when Big Mac did, at which point Lemon seemed to chuckle and mutter something, but importantly, stayed quiet for longer.

As Zegram was currently spinning the yarn of why Lemon was such a pantywaist, Applejack was regarding him with some curiosity. He had Scootaloo on his back, leaning on his head, and occasionally batting at his ears, and didn't seem to care as the other two circled him, grilling him with questions and the like. The look on his face was completely at ease. Even Big Mac got slightly antsy when Applebloom would tug at his ears or clamber about on his head, and Big Mac was certainly calm compared to Zegram, from what Applejack had seen.

"See, where we come from, our people built towns really far from eachother, much like Ponyville back there and Appleoosa. But back home, it was like this with every town. And since we're a people that don't like all that walking, or taking a whole day to get somewhere, we did what we do best, and invented stuff. What we finally came up with is called a car, and it's a machine that can go really fast using fire." he said, adopting a slightly smug posture when came the chorus of little 'ooh's and 'aah's.

"Yep. They could get upto 180 miles an hour. This didn't make any sense 'course, since they'd put down laws that only let you go like 35."

Scootaloo took issue with this, tapping on his head to get his attention. "That makes no sense! Why do that?"

"Well, a car is basically a huge metal box. It'd really hurt if you hit someb-uh, somepony with one of those things. Slower you go though, the less it hurts I guess. Ofcourse it doesn't help that the blasted thing might also be on fire. Maybe even liable to explode."

"I still don't get why that would happen though."

"People ride inside them, Scooter."

"Ooohhh"

This time however, it was little Applebloom who had a query.

"Ah still don't get what that's gotta do with Mr. Lemon bein' so tired all the time."

"Well for starters he's lazy." said Zegram.

"Weren't that lazy when he carried y'all back in Canterlot." interjected Applejack, smirking at him.

Zegram chose to let that remark slide, though Applejack noticed him flattening his ears, which gave her a chuckle. He instead continued the exposition.

"Secondly, cars make it so people don't have to walk anymore, and Lemon doesn't drive. It's too scary to drive one of those things."

"Do you?" asked Sweetie

"It's too scary to drive one of those things." he parroted.

"I'd never be scared! Not even of a metal box on...fire" said Scootaloo, with a vigor in her voice that trailed off some when she reminded herself of the fire involved. Naturally the other two fillies got a giggle from that.

As the group arrived in Appleoosa, Applejack headed to the local orchard to fetch her cousin, and she bid Applebloom and Scootaloo both follow her. Big Mac un-hitched himself from the cart and plodded off into the town, with some unspoken purpose. The group began to dissipate even further, as Twilight and spike had to prepare various checklists and draw up plans for the hunt. Rarity trotted off in the same direction as Big Mac, muttering something about needing a hat, calling for Sweetie to follow her. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had split off also, Rainbow citing that the two of them needed to rest and freshen up. Why they had to go together was a point of some questions from the two outworlders, all of which were diligently ignored and nervously bypassed, respectively. Pinkie Pie however had simply vanished without any real explanation, and the notion that her behaviour not be questioned was something which Lemon opted to handle with oblivious compliance, and Zegram tackled by being slightly irritated.

This however, left the two of them more or less alone in the town of Appleoosa.

"They're totally doin' it." said Lemon, as the two wandered around the town.

"What?"

"It's like what girls do when they go to the toilet together."

"Are you trying to tell me that you think all the women who go to the bathroom in pairs are lesbians."

"How can you be sure they're not?"

"Well what if they're doing that...preening thing?" said Zegram, shaking his head to clear his mind of thoughts of being kindly molested.

"Is that really any different?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION ANYMORE" barked Zegram, not wanting to be spending this time thinking about shipping. Ofcourse this elicited laughter from Lemon, who then decided it would be funny to try something he'd read, and covertly extended a wing towards Zegram, brushing it down his back. Immediately Zegram stiffened, and stuttered.

"eeeEEEAAAH!" he uttered, as his legs stiffened and Zegram found himself falling over, his tight legs refusing to catch him as his chin thudded on the ground, throwing up some sand and dust, making him sneeze as Lemon struggled to contain his laughter. Zegram took only moments to collect himself, get up, casually dust himself off and calmly hoofed Lemon on the muzzle.

"OW" he said, his laughter ceasing from the sudden pain. "Waddya do that for?" said Lemon, receiving a much lighter bop from orange pegasus.

"STOP BEING AGRESSIVELY STUPID" yelled Zegram. "YEAH WELL THATS NO REASON TO HIT ME" Lemon yelled back. "But I thought you LIKED rough stuff!" said Zegram chuckling as he walked away. Lemon simply sat there with a blush as he watched his friend walking away, only now noticing the sway to his friends plo-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" Yelled the Author as he burst into the room, glaring at the Narrator currently sitting at the computer.

"I uhh, I-Im trying to help?" the Narrator squeeked out.

"By writing..." the Author looked at the screen "Porn?".

"Um... Maybe?" the Narrator squeaked again "I-I just think they look cute together."

The Author sighed "Look I get it okay, but there's enough feels and tension as it is. I am NOT adding a sex tag so let's make that clear right here and now."

We haven't even been to a bar yet. he said under his breath.
"Look lets just get back to the story at hand okay?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The two pegasi stared at eachother for a moment.

"Di-...did you hear something? I think...something happened?" said Lemon.

"I-I don't...know?" said Zegram, staring into space, something occupying his mind but just out of reach for him.

"W-well uh, lets just keep goi- HEY A SALOON!"

Lemon quickly perked up, and jumped into a canter toward the bar, while Zegram simply rolled his eyes and begrudgingly followed him.

The saloon inside was typical. Rough wood all around, the walls splintering as the light cast it's beams through the dust and what he only assumed to be something along the lines of cigar smoke, though the smell was peculiar. It didn't have that familiar texture to it, and it reminded him of a barn, really. As a thought crossed his mind, he stepped inside.

Is that...some kind of...what in the fuck? Hay Tobacco?

As tolerant as he was of it, the addition of smelling like a barn certainly made it worse. The place was dusty enough that it looked flammable, and the air inside was thick enough without the smoke. It wasn't dead however, as the very typical scattered tables and piano in the corner were all more-or-less occupied. The general clientelle looked gruff, even for cartoon ponies, and the managed to sport the look of various moustaches and degrees of 5 o'clock shadow despite their faces being covered in short fur. It was like they had clippings of their manes or tails on their faces.

The piano in the corner jingled and jangled softly as it's player hoofed at the keys dexterously, and as Zegram made his way between the tables to the bar, Lemon was stood with a handful, or a hoof-full? A hoof-full of bits on the counter and a pair of empty shot-glasses next to him, as he set the third down. He was taking the cider-bottle approach, and managed so far to not swallow a shot-glass and choke.

"Ofcourse you got booze already, ofcourse." said Zegram, exasperated. "Wait how did you even pay for that? Where'd you get bits from?"

"My vest has pockets in it man." said Lemon, starting to slur. He rapped his hoof on the bar lightly, near the small mound of large coins, and the bartender, sporting that ever-so typical handlebar-muttonchops combo, placed yet another shot-glass on the counter, and Lemon softly pushed it aside, to Zegram.

"I don't...see any. And I'm not sure I want to drink that, whatever it is. Looks a bit like whis-OFCOURSE IT'D BE WHISKEY." said Zegram, sniffing at the glass and huffing. When he turned back to Lemon he saw that his friend and begun a slow stumble towards the piano in the corner, obviously to dribble out requests.

You know what. Fuck it. I'm tired. thought Zegram as he shot the drink back, the sudden fire in his throat erupting and causing him to sputter.

Lemon had finally made it to the piano, and it's player was already slightly annoyed. He didn't like drunks a great deal.

"Hhhey. Hey can you-you do Bambous?" he asked.

"Nnope."

"Hah! You're like Big Mac haha..."

"Mhm."

"Can you...can you do uhm- Highway to Hell?"

"Sorry."

"To-Tokyo Dinner?"

"Never heard of it."

"...Smoke on the water?"

"Sure can." said the player, and stopped his current dross and switched to a ragtime adaptation of the song.

Satisfied with his relative success, Lemon turned back to the bar, back to Zegram who had managed to recover and suppress his sputtering, to the mild amusement of the bartender pony, smirking as he went about his job.

"I... Did Pinkie possess you? Is THAT where she went?" asked Zegram.

"I don't see what warrants that assumption." Lemon replied.

"HOW DOES ONE PLAY SMOKE ON THE WATER WITH A PIANO?"

"Like that, apparently."

At this point, Zegram decided to simply head back outside. His throat was sore and his face felt tight, and he wanted some fresh air. It was only a few paces outside that he'd managed a collision, bumping into a pony completely obliviously.

She was a bright red, sporting quite a large pair of wings, the feathers of which were tipped dark brown, like her short mane that looked more like human hair than a mane. What else was a rare oddity that stirred Zegram's perspective back to the metaposition it had originally adopted since coming to this world, was that this pony was pierced. She had a pair of rings, or tags, in her right ear, and they jingled ever so faintly against eachother as her ear twitched. The green of her eyes was slightly jarring, and drew attention away from the spiked collar she was wearing. It was a very unusual look, in Zegram's experience of pony style.

"Augh! Sorry, sorry man, I didn't see you there." she said.

Zegram dusted himself off and began his reply.
"Ah no, its my fault I wasn't looking where I...No."

"What?" said the now confused mare.

"Dingo, No." said Zegram with a flat look.

"W-whos Dingo? My name is Artsy Splotch."

"Come on girl I'm not that stupid."

"I WANNA BE IN THIS!" she cried

"PEOPLE WILL GET MAD"

"SCREW 'EM"

"HOW DID YOU GET HERE ANYWAY"

"I don't...know" she said, with a genuine look of concern on her face. "I'm actually kinda confused. I only knew that you guys were supposed to be here..."

"WELP. Fine, let's go get Lemon." said Zegram

"He's here too?"

"Uh, yeah, ofcourse he is."

"Where?"

Zegram simply pointed a hoof ahead of him, at the saloon.

"Take a wild guess."

Lemon was tending his drink at one of the tables, having managed to get himself invited to a card game. How ponies played cards continued to be a mystery to him, but in his state, the fact that he could pick up cards with with his deceptively malleable pony hooves was that kind of mystery that he didn't care about very much. There was drink and card games, and he adored the cigar-like smell that filled the place.

When he turned to the sound of the saloon doors opening, he looked at the pair who had come in, then back to his drink, then back to them, and belched.

"Hah...how...how wasted am I." he garbled, and turned to his card-game 'pals'.
"How...how many shots have I even had?"

At this point the other ponies at the table simply laughed at him, and one of them poured another shot and passed it too him.

"Not enough yet" said one.

As Lemon shot the last shot back, he threw his cards down. The other ponies did the same, and Lemon managed to walk away with a victory, and a new stack of bits that he placed piecemeal in a near-invisible vest pocket, now bulging slightly.

"You do realize...that there's an imaginary dingo st-stood...next to you right?" he mumbled.

"No no, that really is Dingo. She's just here now. Because reasons." said Zegram.

"Ohh, okay. Sc-scuze me." said Lemon, and made his way past them outside. Upon reaching the outside, he promptly belched again, and fell flat on his face. His struggling seemed to indicate that he hadn't passed out, he had just...lost his balance or something. Though the way he rose steadily to his hooves showed that his balance could not be hard to lose, as it was all over the place.

Some ways down the barren street there was a crowd gathering, and the general susurration grew louder.

And ofcourse that has to be where Big Mac was headed. Wouldn't figure him to be the one to start a commotion but frankly not a single thing has gone as expected this entire trip so sure, why not? thought Zegram, as he went to collect Lemon so that they could go and investigate.

Author's Note

FINALLY

HAHA

There are no words

Oh yeah!
No I'm not going to be adding any sort of romance into this story. I doubt any of you shippers are that interested in a pair of Self-Inserts being all homoerotic, I just threw it in for giggles, and giggles were indeed had.

Though I can't speak for RustyServBot, I won't oppose the writing of any shipfics by you enterprising shippers. I think it'd be hilarious, but I'm not going to be the one to do it.

Chap 11: Do The Worm!

Fight or Flight.

This was the dual-choice of action that the ponies were offered, when facing a giant worm, almost as fat as a tree was tall. It's spine covered shovel-head appeared to be perfect for diving into the ground and swimming through the earth as if it were water, but the ponies facing it down were now thinking of what that body shape could do to them or their carefully constructed surroundings.

Few words came to anypony's mind save for the following two: Total Annihilation.

Fight or Flight?

Twilight in particular, the Princess of Magic itself, was caught. Caught in a staring contest with this Equestrian Death Worm. A creature with more eyes to stare with than Twilight felt was reasonable. What was worse, was that she was faced with an odd number of eyes, as the massive creatuer had to turn it's shovel-head to see her, and so she was faced with only 3 eyes to stare at.

Were it not for the fact that the other side of it's head logically contained another set of 3, evening the eye-count to 6, Twilight might've been distressed.

She was however, very afraid. If only for a moment.

This was because there were some abnormalities in the overall equation of this instance. Three of them, to be exact. A fact that would haunt Twilight in the near future, as for the moment she knew of only two. There was an unknown unknown, and she hated those.

No, what brought Twilight out of her staring contest was a peculiar sound. It sounded an awful lot like anger.

"RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHH! THRESHEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Like a shot, Lemon flew over Twilight's head. For but a second she stood in awe of his speed, his anger, and his intensity. In the moment between her spotting him and him reaching his obvious target, Twilight made a very calcuated discovery. Lemon had a strong hatred for this creature.

He also called it by a different name, and that was perculiar. The dimension that these two (three) had come from was indeed a curious place it seemed. Twilight figured at the very least, that the Equestrian Death Worm was unique to her lands.

Alas, the moment was over. Lemon reached his target, and his attempt passed with flying colours. The colours that were flying were his, and they were flying away from the worm, which had successfully swatted Lemon away as if he weighed as much as the feathers he left behind.

The world came quickly back, as she heard his warcry change into just a cry. A cry of fear, perhaps, but the situation was not so dismal just yet.

"IT'S GOOD, IT'S GOOD..." called Zegram as he spotted his idiot friend trying to aim himself toward a hay bale.

He missed, and got a facefull of appletree.

"IT'S BAD, IT'S VERY BAD!" he called out.

Now the situation worsened. What was simply the intrusion of a large, possibly murderous creature now became an aggravated assault by a certainly murderous creature, who had just been offended by the bug that had attmpted to headbutt it. As it shrunk it's body some, Twilight recognized the threat immediately.

Like the coiled spring it was, the massive creature fired itself up into the air, the rest of it's body sliding out of the hole, sealing it behind with a flick of it's tiny tail. Immediately as the ground-bound worm was in the air, the pegasi of the group, save for Lemon who was most likely concussed, found themselves sharing one collective imperative.

Get off the ground, right now.

This however, left a remaining five grounded ponies to deal with the wrath of the incoming colossus. And so it landed, and struck a very hard and solid surface. One it could not dig through. As the dust settled, it's six eyes beheld a purple sheen, protecting the tiny creatures from it's consierable mass. This was an affront to it's penetrative nature, and immediately the worm examined the situation.

Twilight had indeed flexed her Magic Muscles and cast a bubble around herself and her flightless friends. All save for Lemon, who was still having pleasant dreams of bark and worms in apples.

It seemed to be a stable solution, and Twilight, Pinkie, Rarity, Applejack and Braeburn all convinced themselves they were safe when the worm turned and dove back into the ground. Their sighs of releif were effectively on-cue, and just like any trope, the instant they all relaxed even slightly, the ground became a-rumbly once more.

Twilight's magic bubble, or dome shield, had one glaring weakness. This was the weakness that a worm such as the equestrian death worm was now exploiting, as it tunneled, for it had decided that this protective shield was simply not going to happen, and in a rumbling shower of earth, erupted from underneath the bubble's protective field.

This would have been the perfect counter-attack if the rumbling hadn't given the situation away to the ever intuitive Twilight, who thought quick on her hooves, and just as the ground began to rumble, formulated a quick two-step plan.

"EVERYPONY JUMP!" she called to everypony in the dome, and due to the fact that nopony else knew what they ought to be doing, they all obliged. By some miracle of planetary formations or the machinations of the fates, Twilight's first step went off perfectly, and everypony jumped up off the ground at the exact moment for Twilight to effectively slide a shield-floor beneath them, moments before the worm erupted from below, throwing the now sealed shield-dome into the air, and with a speed and precision not very becoming of a beast this size, swam it's entire body out of the earth, threw up it's tail-end and caught the dome in it's coils.

As Twilight looked at everypony in the bubble, none of them were thinking. They were all utterly terrified, and to tell the truth, so was she. Twilight hadn't the heart to even think of asking for some sort of help at this stage, for she knew not what anypony else could do, or what else there was for even herself to attempt at this stage. In the time it took for the worm to decide it's next move, Twilight could only stare around her, as the shield floor beneath them began to fall, and the dome ceiling came crashing down upon their heads.

The worm had taken these ponies, encapsulated in their little half-bubble, and had thrown them to the ground with some force, shattering the dome on contact and slamming the little ponies onto the dirt in frustration.

The pegasi could do nothing but watch. They had already seen just how easily one of them had been deflected and the remaining options looked just as grim. But for Rainbow Dash, the last straw was drawn. She could not idly flap by and watch as her friends were bodyslammed into the Appleoosan dirt by some big, fat, apple-munching worm.

Knowing her limits, Rainbow tried for a ranged approach, and began zooming around the orchard collecting apples. If this big galoot liked apples, he was going to get apples. Right in his face!

Like a shot, Rainbow returned to the still stunned Pegasi floating nearby, with her plan.
"Fluttershy! You!" she barked, with her load of apples.

"Wha-bwuh?" stuttered Dingo, transifxed by the grim scene below.

"Here take these! Let him have it! We're not gonna let this big fat worm eat our friends!" came the command, and Dingo immediately obeyed, at a loss for any idea of what else to be doing. The whole scenario was overwhelming it seemed.

Fluttershy simply refused. She couldn't bear the thought of harming a living creature, even if it was a threat to her friends. This was compounded by her being frozen in fear. She couldn't speak to a creature like this, on what world would it bother to listen? What if she tried the stare, but it ate her instead? This thing was WAY too scary!

Rainbow and Dingo however, were on the offensive, peppering the creature's massive hide with fresh produce.

Sadly, it did nothing. The worm was rearing up to dive into the dazed ponies on the ground. Rainbow became desperate, and zipped closer. She had no idea what she was doing but she knew she was doing it, as she rushed wth all haste toward the creature's face, and with a ramrod stiff hoof, shoved an apple square into one of it's big glazed eyes.

It was the pained roar that woke Twilight. She could hardly see, but she could certainly hear. And she could feel too, as the ground rumbled violently every few moments with a loud thundering crash. Unsteadily she got to her hooves, only to be knocked from them by the shuddering earth, and as she fell to her side she caught sight of the rest of her friends. Applejack and Braeburn were already up, dragging Pinkie and Rarity away, who were still out. She could hear Applejack and Braeburn arguing about Big Mac and the other townsponies, and when she turned her head slightly, she saw them all.

A massive crowd of ponies, stood on the edge of the small clif that surrounded the orchard. All staring wide-eyed and slack-jawed at the spectacle before them. All save for Big Mac, who, even at this distance and with fuzzy vision, Twilight could see, was fuming.

But Applejack was calling out to him, telling him to stay clear. And Arguing with Braeburn that this was the best option. Big Mac was strong but he was no fighter.

And so, Twilight finally turned her attention to the worm, and what she saw turned an already unsual and strange scenario into something from a bizarre fever dream.

It was hopping in place. Just bouncing about. It would even have been funny if ponies weren't in mortal peril.

Fluttershy was clinging onto Rainbow, who were just flying up above in circles with what looked like Zegram and a fourth pegasus, and the worm was hopping impotently in place trying to swat at them. If Lemon hadn't turned red in the past few minutes then the only logical conclsuion was yet another stranger.

Getting a little tired of nasty surprises, Twilight was hoping that it was just a local townspony, helping out.

She had to do something while it was distracted. She was about to fire raw magic at the worm when a bloodcurdling battlecry came busrting from the top of a tree as it's leaves and apples exploded from it in all directions and a yellow streak screamed at the worm, slamming into it's lower body with an anti-climactic thwack, and a glowing glass bubble shimmering over it's body.

"OH COME ON!" shouted Zegram as his words mirrored Twilight's thoughts.

Really? A shielded worm? First an Equestrian Death Worm from the San Plomino Desert digs all the way to Appleoosa, just in time to swallow up a magical artefact that has never been seen or mentioned this side of Unicorn Range, which gives it magical powers like a shield spell. All in the same week that a pair of non-equestrian ponies find themselves trapped in Equestria, a world that wasn't even real to them, concieved as fiction by some clearly meta-powerful god-being, and in doing so becoming friends with one of the most reclusive ponies Twilight knew of, the Princess of The Moon.

And yet, they themselves would assumedly be respectively powerful in Equestria, if the land they came from was more real, which created Equestria by one being's sheer force of will and imagination.

But no. One was an idiot, the other insane.

Even for the standards of Equestria these last few years, that was simply surreal.

And she was brought out of this revelatory trance by Applejack and Braeburn both arriving by her sides, shouting at her to snap out of it.

"Huh? Wha? Who- Applejack! Braeburn, what- where are Pinkie and Rarity?"

"Dey fahn Mif Fwiwigh P'finfef" reported Braeburn, in as official manner as one could with a rope in his mouth.

"Uh, what's with the ropes?"

"We finna hoghfie dif wahm" stated Applejack.

And as a unit, the two Apples reared back and threw up the lassos, both slamming their front hooves into the ground as they flung them right at the worm, both snagging it over it's head within seconds of eachother, and immediately bolted away from Twilight and the worm in opposite directions, and began to pull it's head down to the ground. The worm thundered into the ground as it toppled, and Lemon bolted out from under it as Zegram nose-dived down after it, slamming into it's shielded head with a thud, as he tried to break it with just his hooves.

As the worm trashed, Zegram simply sat down on where he approximated it's 'neck' would be, and promptly shouted.

"TEXAN POWERS, ENGAGE!"

From a baffled outside perspective, this did sweet fuck all.

For Zegram however, this opened up the webway into ancient and forbidden druidic arts. From the barbecue aether, he extracted the knowldge on how to ride this sum'bitch worm like a rented mule.

As he did this, Applejack and Braeburn took off their hats, let go the ropes they held, and saluted. They knew not why, but they knew only that they needed to. In that moment, they knew a spiritual connection with that pony, despite what Applejack aldready knew of him, and that to Braeburn he was a complete stranger. In that moment they felt themselves one with him, with eachother, and with every salt-of-the-soil, down to 'questria, hard workin' pony that was out there, watching, joined with them, sharing their kinship with this unknown instigator, this distant beacon, this Texan brother.

Eeyup.

The worm was far from it's home, drawn to this offensively moist place by the most delicious of smells, and the worm had come a long way to get the source. What it had eaten wasn't anything like as delicious as the smell that it gave off, but after eating it the worm had noticed it wasn't getting repeatedly beaten in the head by the bird things. This would have been funny to the worm if it hadn't just been pulled over and now having one of those birdies sitting on it's head and making it feel oddly subjugated and pliable. No matter how hard or awkwardly it writhed, it could not worm it's way out or rock the little interloper off. At this point the worm was losing the will to care. This thing was just going to sit there and not fall off and frankly it wasn't doing much else, so there was less and less reason to bother.

That was until it prodded the worm. That was, for whatever reason the worm had decided to go with at just that moment, extremely upsetting. The poke seemed to be authoritative, commanding, and the worm was NOT having any of that. NOONE commanded the worm! Worm goes where worm pelases! Rising up in a bestial anger, it charged for the earth, through the big red barn that was now in it's warpath.

But it couldn't quite make it. The barn's old and splintering wood stood fast in the face of the worm's onslaught and stood it's ground with a vibratic thwack, as the worm's head collided with the surprisingly sturdy wall. And then it didn't move. No rearing back and roaring in pain, or trying again. The worm just sat, or lay, whichever worms were known to do, with it's head against the wall, and it slowly sank to the ground, splintering the wood as it's face ground against it, and thundering to a stop on the ground.

Through the dust that kicked up, Zegram sat on the now knocked-out worm's head, rooted to his spot. Applejack & co were broken free of their spiritual connection to the hotsauce materium and were steadily approaching him. Most of the crowd, the Appleoosan townsponies who had all shared in the moment began to cheer. Even Big Mac had pulled somepony's hat from their head, that he may throw it into the air in celebration.

As the last remnants of the druidic cowboy know-how ebbed away, he made use of the last stragglers of info, and kicked the worm again, choosing the spot very carefully.

With his kick the worm began to cough and gag, and slowly up through it's body and out of it's mouth rolled the now stomach-juices covered artefact, still glowing and emitting all the pleasant sensations it was previous. It simply wasn't floating ominously now.

And it was at this point that everypony had either dispersed or come closer. Twilight and her friends, save for Rainbow Dash all stood, staring with Braeburn at the two fuckskiteers. Lemon was delicately pointing at the object, as if meaning to touch it but clearly not wanting to quite bridge the gap, whilst Zegram was recovering from the use of his surprise superpower, whilst wondering where Dingo had gotten to.

Fluttershy was gently patting her hoof on the creature's massive nose/snout, cooing to it.
"Poor dear" she mumbled to it, whilst Braeburn took the moment to address this concern.
"Poor dear!? Ma'am that thing darn near killed us all!"
"It's a living creature, it probably didn't even know where it was or why it was here!"
"The Princess there called it a 'questrian DEATH worm! It's a killer!"

Fluttershy had to scoot away from the agitated Appleoosan, seeking shelter behind her friend and his cousin, who hadn't the heart to give her has-a-good-point cousin anything more than an angry glare.

"So uh, which if you unicorns wants to like, look after this thing? I mean, I'm not sure it ought to be touched." said Lemon to the group.

Rarity, ever the selfless one, was on the verge of volunteering, but every inch of her being wanted to stay back from the disgusting trinket, cearly crystaline though it was. That left the Princess, and Alicorn, to entrust her superior magical powers to the task of moving this object.

"Yeah, it makes sense that I should be the one I guess. Whatever this thing does, I'd rather only risk it happening to myself." said Twilight, without even a hint of irony.

"Real generous" Lemon dryly remarked toward Rarity, who swiftly put him in his place.

"There's generosity dear, and then there's pointless risk. We all know Alicorn magic has far greater potential to be able to contain or resist whatever that unfortunate item might do when touched, by magic or otherwise." she stated confidently.

But the artefact had not been consulted on the matter, and as Twilight began to even channel the Alicorn magic it voiced it's displeasure with a vicious and ear-splitting hiss that sounded like nothing any living creature could produce without the use of several callous and dry voice-boxes.

"WELP! HAVE FUN TOYING WITH THAT THING GUYS!" Twilight shouted in frustration the instant the hissing stopped.

"You're not going to help?" asked Zegram.

"It clearly doesn't like magic so there's nothing I can really do at this point, and you guys are the ones who need it, so maybe it will do exactly what you need it to. I don't really care at this point because I don't know about anypony else but that scream channeled right through my magic and now my head is screaming and on fire inside and I have very little desire to care about ANYTHING for the moment. Now if you'll excuse me I am going to go over here and sit and try to remember a spell to cure this intense headache whilst putting every ounce of my strength into remaining calm." she calmly explained, turned, and walked some distance from the group, before slumping down onto the ground and holding in the loudest scream that never was.

"Wh-uh...ok." said Zegram, as Lemon returned to ghost-poking it, as if he were to summon up psychokinetic powers that he didn't have. Or poking at it with an invisible stick maybe.

Zegram decided to just risk it, and as he approached, he rather clumsily tapped it with a hoof, knocking it into Lemon's hoof-tip, and that was as much as he could recall of that moment because the next moment was very uncomfortable.

His back felt raked and was burning. The wings that he had just gotten used to as being limbs that were there, on his body, were now stuck to his sides, and it felt as though they were wrapped so tightly under some kind of wrap that not even a single inch of muscle could move, and his wings were effectively bound to his body.

As he turned and looked to see that his wings weren't even there at all, suddenly the world turned. It turned fast and with heft, and Zegram began to feel the motion without motion beneath his hooves, and a faint sense of roundness and outside nothingness touched upon this sensation for a moment. A moment whereby Zegram realized that he was feeling the planet.

And then his mind exploded with chatter, voices everywhere.

And the ponies gathered around the two watched slackjawed as these two ponies had their wings burned away and began looking up at the sky and screaming bloody murder. They weren't screams of pain, but abject terror.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash was having a small panic attack as her new friend Dingo was doing the same. Only she hadn't a clue what was happening. Once the worm was down she'd decided to introduce herself to this new pegasus Dingo, whose flying had been pretty awesome. They barely got past their introductions before Dingo had just changed and screamed infront of her.

As moments go, it was a little upsetting.

It didn't last long, either. A few seconds of fear, and suddenly Lemon and Zegram were stood where they were a moment ago, confused and glancing around.

"What?"
"WHAT!?"
"Whassat?"
"Who?"
"Carrots?"
"What the hell?"
"Apples?"

"Where's Bloomberg?"
"He was just here a moment ago."
"That was terribly loud."
"Some kind of worm I think."
"Not one of ours! We saw it!"
"Way too big for one of us!"
"So it wasn't an apple worm."
"I wonder what that was."
"Where's Bloomberg?"
"Where am I?"

The trees. The apple trees were talking.

"You guys okay? We got a hoof over here!"

The grass was talking.

"What...what was that man?"
"Woah dude haha..."
"What does that...mean, dude?"

The weeds were talking.

"WHAT THE FUCK!? WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY TALKING!?" cried Zegram and Lemon in unison.

"Who's talkin'?" asked Applejack

"THE PLANTS!"

"You-..you never heard 'em before?"

"NO!"

Applejack and Braeburn both turned to the rest of the group.

"Y'all guys can't normally hear that?"

"I've never heard anything like plants talking, dear." said Rarity.
"I hear lots of things" said Pinkie with an innocent smile.

"...huh" said the Apples to oneanother.
"Wait, so only earth ponies could hear us this whole time!?" cried an appletree, before most of the orchard erupted into a group revelation.
The weeds and grass didn't seem to care.

As the group stood silently in this surreal event, Big Mac and his cart of crusading fillies rode up, feeling it was now safe, and as Big Mac approached his sister and cousin to confirm that they were ok and to ask what in tartus just happened, the cutie-mark crusaders leapt from the cart and gathered with the rest of the group around Lemon and Zegram.

"Wait, you're earth ponies now?" asked Scootaloo

"euuhh..." said Zegram as Lemon simply took a step back and jabbed an accusing hoof at the artefact on the ground.

Naturally the fillies began to walk upto it but the brave newly grounded ponies stepped infront of them, deciding that it was definitely not a good idea to let little children have a magical polymorphing artefact. In no concievable reality was that going to end well.

"So, uhm...now what do we do with it?" asked Fluttershy, seeing as nopony else seemed able to think clearly at the moment. The artefact was no longer exuding any firghtening chills or air of distress. It was just a lump of goo-covered crystal now.

Ever the idiot, Lemon decided that the best thing to do to the object that had just altered his body and opened his mind to a dimension of thought that he was not happy had access to his hearing, was to tap it again. Maybe it would do the same thing, but backwards. To his disappointment it did nothing, and the angry surprised glare from Zegram was utterly lost on him.

"Has anyone seen Dashie?" asked Pinkie, once her friends had all heaved a sigh of releif once they noticed that the artefact appeared to be spent.

"Yeah uh, we got a bit of a proble- why're you two earth ponies?" asked Rainbow, having heard her name as she was approaching.

"We uh, we are the problem?" offered Lemon.

"Wait, so, you two...and she...wait so it only works on you other-world types?"

"What?" asked Zegram

"Whe-uh, where's Dingbat?"

"Wait...her?"

"Oh man you think they-"

"Shut up. Rainbow what do you mean by-"

"She lost her wings! She was saying stuff about talking apples!"

"She go anywhere?"

"Nah she just sat down over there" and as Rainbow pointed a hoof, there was indeed a red Pony sat on the ground, staring off into space.

"Now THAT makes NO actual sense!" said Twilight, having returned, looking fresh-faced.
"I don't know why it would affect anypony other than you two, since you two touched it."

"What if it's doin' some weird magic with the fact that they ain't from Equestria?" asked Applejack
"They what?" asked Braeburn

"I guess that would make sense but why? What does that artefact have to do with worlds other than here?"

"Beats me, you're the Princess of Magic here."

But at that moment, Twilight was taken to digesting the fact that, despite her best wishes, there was yet another trans-dimensional interloper now here, and if the bizarre nature of recent events had any say, chances were this new pony's arrival was a symptom of something greater, and stupider.

"I know what to do!" shouted Pinkie, as everypony around her cold have sworn they saw a lightbulb flash above her head. But that would have just been silly. That doesn't just happen.

Yeah, that doesn't just happen like how everything else has totally not been just happening. thought Twilight.

"It's a crystal thingy! So maybe there's something about it all the way at the Crystal Empire!" said Pinkie as she finished her thought.

"That...that actually could work. The Cyrstal Empire is a thousand years out of date. There could easily be information there that would otherwise be considered ancient or lost years ago. It could even be accurate considering the lack of re-tellings and translations to warp the meanings." said Twilight, thinking out-loud.

"To the Crystal Empire we go then!" cheered Rarity, all to happy with the idea.
"Yeah!" cried out the three fillies, at which point Big Mac chimed in with a 'nnope' and Applejack put her hoof down.

"Absolutely not! This here's Appleoosa, not some magical diamond place, an' there was jus' a big killer worm right here. Celestia knows what kinda dangerous nonsense is gonna happen up north in a magical kingdom. No way are y'all fillies goin' up there after this!"

"But there's a princess there! She could protect us!"

"To be fair Applejack, my brother is there too. He has got to still be the most talented unicorn with defense magic that Equestria has seen in years. He and Cadence could easily keep them safe if anything happens." remarked Twilight.

"And uhm, who knows? Maybe nothing bad will happen up there anyway." added Fluttershy

"Yeah! It'll be totally fine and the little fillies can get to see the totally cool Crystal Empire!" added Pinkie

After exchanging glances, Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow all sighed, and together, gave their muddled and mumbled consent, resulting in their little sisters latching onto them and hugging them amid a torrent of thankyous and bouncing.

And so it was, half an hour later, that 12 ponies were on the long train ride north, from Appleoosa to the Crystal Empire.

Author's Note

WELL NOW

THAT'S A LONG ONE AIN'T IT

I don't even know

Chap 13: The Safe-Word is Teacup

"Shit."

Right on cue, as if ordained by a higher power with a childish sense of humour, Lyra Heartstrings, canonically human-obsessed unicorn musician was indeed present to overhear the fuckwits discussing their humanity. The look on her face was the ticking timebomb of excitement and vindication that told the two that they would very soon become martyrs to secrecy.

Stood only a few paces behind her was BonBon, the confectioner who, by the look on her face, had not heard the hushed confession that Lyra had caught onto, but had instead cottoned onto the same feeling as a parent with an overactive child about.

In the immediate moment Zegram cast his eyes around for Dingo, feeling that she could bring some sort of resolution to pass, but she had vanished. Bailed, to go and explore the town, he imagined. This left the onus on him to fix the situation, as Lemon sure wasn't going to.

"Uhm, okay uh so we-" but as was becoming a trope of this series, Lemon cut him off.
"YOU!" he shouted, mere inches from Lyra's face, matching the expression on her face.

Zegram was certain he had simply lost it.
Again.

"WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU ALL OVER EQUESTRIA!"
"Wh-what?" responded Lyra, stunned at the claim. Sooner than she could notice, the aggressively amiable yellow pony laid a hoof on her back and sidled upto her, and as far as she was aware they both began walking.

Zegram was having none of it.
"Le-lemon. What-uh, what're you doing. Lemon stop." he demanded, but was diligently ignored, save for a cursory glance back at him.

"Oh yes! You're most important to the cause you know." Lemon continued.
"The cause?" she asked him, her excitement only growing inside.

The two made a few paces off from Zegram and BonBon, who were left there, bored and confused, respectively, as they talked. It was then that with weary eyes and a sarcastic smile that she turned to him, looking for some sort of solace in the apparent madness.

"They uh, they crazy." said Zegram, as casually as he thought he could.
"I swear that mare is more mixed up than strawberry syrup in a cream vat." she said, with a sigh.
"Uh, oka-"
"Why do we fall for the crazy ones?" she said to him, looking him in the eyes with a mixture of regret and longing.
"Eeeaaaahh, uhh we're not ah...uhm we- uhm we're not, well I mean-uh" he stammered, fumbling over his own tongue. BonBon found it highly amusing, as she struggled to contain her giggling, but atleast her mood had improved.

It was soon apparent that this was not, by and large, a good thing for Zegram's immediate future, because he was quickly thrust into the situation of receiving relationship advice, as Lemon apparently told Lyra something which beggared her belief, whereby she cried out "NO WAY!"

"What, you never talked to him?"
"Uh, lots of times."
"But not about you and him?"
"S-sure."
"And you're not together then because...?"
"I have my reasons."
"Like?"
"He's too far away." stated Zegram matter-of-factly. Technically, it was true.
"He...He's over there." said BonBon, as if she was gently offering new information.
"Like I said." he deadpanned, now determined to reap what he'd sown. "Too far."
"Oh...kay. Maybe...maybe go over there and he'll be closer?" she volunteered.

But as Zegram was searching through the rack of babyback ribs that he used for a brain, he was rescued by the excited announcement by a certain scarlett-red mare announcing that a rural town had a farm.

"GUYS! GUY-" but her excitement was cut short as a pair of orange hooves wrapped around her head and pulled her to one side, just as Zegram bestowed upon her a much deserved noogie.
"You bailed on us!" Zegram yelled as she attempted to soothe the friction urns on her head.
"Yoo, Dingo!" called Lemon
"Another one!?" asked Lyra excitedly.
"Eh, sure why not." he casually replied.
"Sorry I guess. But dude, there's the farm! THE farm! Swe-"
"Sweet Apple Acres, yeah. That's...that's the farm." said Zegram, eager to get the show moving.
"Yeah! But there's a party goin' on there!"
"Party?"
"Where's a party?" said Lemon, now joining the fracas.
"Down at-" began Zegram
"Down at the farm!" chirped Dingo

And then, like so many things in this series of unfortunate events, Applejack entered the scene from the dirt road that led to the farm, right on cue, to bring the announcement that was just made twice.

Only she had some extra details.
"And you, Mr Lemon, are to come down at once!" she announced, with a challenging attitude.
"Me?" he asked, puzzled at being singled out.
"Him?" asked Zegram
"Him?" asked Lyra
"Cool!" added Dingo
And BonBon simply sighed.
"Yessir. Big Mac's a-waitin' on ya. Y'all have an accord to commit to!" declared Applejack, thickening the plot.

Indeed there was a party of sorts laid out at Sweet Apple Acres. Strictly typing, it was a set of tables infront of the family house, surrounded by cider barrels. One table was barren, whilst another was decked out with a stack of cider tankards, and on the third sat a bullhorn, a jar of quills, an ink pot and a stack of papers.

True to his sister's word, Big Macintosh was there, waiting. Were it possible to tell his patiently waiting gait from his usual demeanor, then this would not have needed confirmation, but Big Mac was a special sort, and it was always a good idea for those around him to clarify what, if anything, he was thinking.

On the way, Lyra and her captive partner had parted ways, BonBon once more facing a newly refreshed torrent of human enthusiasm, Lyra blissfully chattering away about things BonBon considered silly. The rest however, namely the three fuckwits and their herder Applejack, arrived at the scene at the same time as Twilight and the rest of her central gaggle of ponyfriends, and thus the scene was effectively set.

Before anypony had the chance to think for themselves and surmise what was to be taking place, Twilight took it upon herself to explain the scene.

"Everypony here should recall that Mr Big Macintosh and Mr Lemon had agreed to a drinking contest back in Appleoosa. While I won't be one to advocate such behaviour, I am nevertheless here to adjudicate said contest that has been arranged here, today. Sirs, would you kindly step upto to the plate, as it were, that being your respective ends of the table, and we can begin!" she declared, in a stately fashion.

Zegram planted a hoof on his friend's back and drew him close.
"He will destroy you, you know that right?"
"I ain't scared." declared the soon-to-be victim.
"Listen, I've told you. There's a fine line between bravery and stupidity."
"And I've told you, that I dance all over your line without a care in the world."
"You are going to die. He will indirectly get you to kill yourself."
"Free cider's the way to go man."

With that, the futile attempt to talk sense into the nonsensical was done, and he stepped aside, allowing Lemon to trot to his demise.
"I don't think he's really gonna die." said Dingo, stood beside him.
"No, he will. I know because if I have to deal with his drunken ass again I'm probably going to stab him. In the neck. With my teeth."
"You should aim a little higher." she said with a self-satisfied chuckle.
"You shut up." he said, feeling a little hot around the face, if only because he was uncomfortable aware, by the way Rarity, over on his other side was giggling, that Dingo wasn't the only shipper present.

This is ridiculous. he thought.

And thus the contest began. Lemon and Big Mac smugly glaring at eachother as the tankards arrived, and competitively belching across the table at oneanother as they emptied them. One by one they each downed a drink, courteous enough to wait for the other to receive his next before continuing the assault. Neither of them brought speed to the game and so they entire time they stayed in a dead heat, which made Pinkie's attempts to commentate and generate excitement difficult, but Twilight's job of keeping score was made facile, and after a fourth round she frustratedly gave up, and joined Applejack, Fluttershy and Rainbowdash by the barrels, the three of them chatting and sharing drinks of their own. She even had one herself.

Afternoon became Evening, and the sky dimmed some, as the contest finally came to a halt. The signal for this was ofcourse, Lemon rising from his seat, the 10th tankard wrapped around his hoof, and declaring that he felt the warp overtaking him.

Whereupon he slammed his head into the table, entirely of his own volition, and knocked himself out.

Big Mac simply sat, his empty tankard infront of him, and due to the necessity of it, it must be clarified that he was thinking about something, though there was not a force in all existence that would have been able to decipher what, at this point. He attempted to stand, so as to place himself somewhere closer to his bed, but found his own legendary strength failing him.

His mind said eeyup, but his body stood firm (metaphorically ofcourse) in nnope territory.

However, his near collapse at the mere hint of movement failed to distract from Spike's inclusion into the scene, whereupon he brought news.

"Everypony! The train from the Crystal Empire's arrived, and I have your tickets! The conductor said he's not staying long so you'd all best get going!"
And without thinking much about their current situation, nearly everypony simply stood and made their way to their respective domiciles, to collect their things, which they had diligently and responsibly prepared for the coming trip.

Save for the outworlders, two of whom were staring at the third, who was currently as capable of travel as a stack of bricks. Or so he seemed for the moment. An assumption which was dispelled when Applejack, taking liberty to act with the familiarity of the other two, emulated Zegram's favoured tactic thus far, and gave Lemon a swift, but respectively gentle punt to the head, whereupon he immediately stood up, surprisingly stable.

"REP-REPORDING FER DOODIE" he bellowed, technically conscious. Applejack simply stared at him with the disdain of somepony who'd thought about it, and decided that this was not going to be her problem. She'd done more than her part here, and wordlessly turned and walked to her brother, in a similar condition but already a few paces ahead in the area of capacity to function. Big Mac had yet to pass out, to be exact.

So this is my problem now. Great. Well atleast I'm trained for it. thought Zegram as he tried to ignore Dingo's fervent giggling, and set about the task of guiding Lemon toward the train. Out of exasperation his technique had devolved into getting into a kind of orbit around the drunk, and adjusting his course with carefully measured and aimed thumps to the face. It was clear enough that alongside being unable to think Lemon could barely feel a thing, and so he wasn't concerned with doing him any harm.

He can take a lot of punishment, all things considered. That's good to know.

The train itself was a sight to behold. Gleaming, and seemingly made entirely out of crystals, it sat on Ponyville's rust railway like the most out of place shiny bauble in a hay field. Having arrived, the trio boarded along with everypony else, and the train set off. It was more spacious than it's exterior led on, and appropriately suited to the long journey from the main country to the north, where the Crystal Empire lay, once a remnant of times gone by, and now a shining beacon of study.

It seemed that under Princess Mi Amore Cadenza's rule, the Crystal Empire had established itself as a foundation for the study of Equestria's ever-growing number of magical mirrors that turned out to be interdimensional teleporters. The current collection was at 30+.
Indeed the crystal train was suited to most long-journey needs. A crystal pony guard was on-hoof to offer news of the empire and even light, though pre-scripted conversation. There was a food-car stocked with the most beautiful and toughest crystal foods, which weren't all as solid and tough as they appeared, but were infact very edible, and delicious.

Except for the actual crystals.

There was also a drinks cart, stocked with all manner of sparkly and surprisingly liquid beverages, given their look. Ciders and spirits aplenty, and Lemon was having his fill of them all. Though the fuckwits had no real belongings to take with them as the others had, Lemon and Zegram atleast had a good stash of bits between them from their royal benefactor.

Currently Lemon had spent half of his total on the drinks car, though how much he actually drank was not as stupendously large as the bill suggested. Crystal drinks were simply pricy.

Zegram however, scoped out the cars' more practical facilities, such as bedding, as he expected to catch some sleep during the ride. He was of similar mind to the majority of the travelers, who were in the same tight hall, scouting their resting spots. The fillies were riding on the backs of their elders infront of him, and for a brief moment Zegram thought of his own family. His human family, who he'd left behind effectively without warning.

But that was why he was here at all. A funny-only-if-you-stop-to-think-about-it circular journey that would end where it began, but hopefully in a more appropriate shape.

He missed meat. He did not like his current interloping vegetarian stomach. He also felt a sudden pressure at his rear, only to discover that Dingo had gotten impatient and was attempting to gently shove him forward.

"Move ya butt!" she aggressively whispered.
His response, having had more time to get accustomed to his current body, was to whip his tail into her face, and chuckle at the resulting score of 'ptah!' and 'pfuhf!'

Still, he walked forward, the room he was absent-mindedly stood infront occupied, as evidenced by the blue feathers that floated gently from the room as Rainbow Dash worked to make her bedding. Effort into everything I guess. he thought to himself as he paced forward, and caught a passing glimpse of rainbow in the room, winking at him.

He had absolutely no idea what that was about, until he passed the room and heard Rainbow pop her head out behind him, and utter a genuine Pony Pickup Line.

"Hey Red. All aboard." she said, with that trademark cocky attitude. It was already all he could do to keep from cackling like a truly mad scientist, until he heard Dingo's response.
"CAN I BLOW THE HORN?" which utterly broke his calm, and the instant he unleashed the first 'HA!' he was assaulted by a flash of pink and the soft whap of creamy yellow feathers, as his little outburst had gone and started the one pony who required effort not to startle.

Creamy yellow in colour.

"Oh! Sorry!" she softly squeaked at him.
He considered his spitting out a feather and simply smiling as a worthy response, as he moved further on.

Again he was stopped, but this time by Rarity. And she did so deliberately, as she pulled his head into her room, whereby he managed to catch a quick look back up the hall, through the succession of translucent crystal walls.

"I've made you and mister Lemon your room for you. I know it's a slight presumptuous but I simply felt that you two deserve an absolutely wonderful night's rest on this trip. We've a long day ahead and you two might not get a lot of time to yourselves in the coming day. Or days. Don't you worry yourself about the bedding either. I'm fully aware that neither of you have much in the way of travel-gear and that's why I packed extra bedding materials. I'm sure you are going to simply fall in love with what I've done for you dear!" she cooed, almost giddy.

It wasn't quite quiet enough, as Dingo popped her head out from her room just long enough to let fly a taunting "HA! BACKATCHA!" down the hall before being paffed in the face by a strong brush of a blue wing, and Rainbow yelling "You gonna make your bed? 'cause I ain't!" in what could easily have been taken as a clever ploy.

But then, given the lack of privacy in the crystal carriages, it seemed unlikely there was to be any of that particular magic.

Both Rarity and Fluttershy, from their rooms, peered down the hall through the smoky crystal, and watched in personally appreciable amazement as Rainbow displayed patience and tact, playing 'the long game'.

He finally made it to his room, after passing by Applejack, who had made no bedding and was simply curled up on the floor of her room with a rudimentary blanket on her, and all three of the crusaders curled up into a single ball of technicolour cute on the room's fold-out bed.

And it was a garish sight. The train, being made of precious stone, was not much of a fire-hazard, and so the host of lit candles in the room only alarmed him on all the other levels. As he took a tentative step into the room, he was affronted by an entire ensemble of aromas from the candles. A viciously aromatic mixture of lavenders and vanillas. There was even a tiny record player on the fold out bed, which had been employed as a kind of bedside table. Cursing his own curiosity he explored the device before discovering how a hoof-operated record-player works.

Incidentally he also discovered how a record player's dial tastes.

Immediately as the music began he nudged the needle off the disc, and turned to glare at Rarity, vaguely visible through the wall. His piercing stare not catching her attention, he headed to her room for a direct confrontation.

The conversation that took place was a short series of aggressive whispering, but the subject of humans doing things in public, or not doing them, was discussed, leaving Rarity feeling all kinds of inappropriate.

Twilight wasn't anywhere to be found in set of rooms, and there didn't appear to be one laid out for her, but Zegram ruled this down to her being a nightowl and getting some research or princessly reading done during the trip.

Given the time the train ride took, it was generally assumed amongst everypony they would arrive late at night. But their ride also matched the path of the sun, and as such the time at the empire was still early evening. Lemon, in his current condition, took this as a sign that the train had traveled through some sort of time-void, and immediately declared himself an honorary timelord. He did this alone in the train's bar car, where he'd already passed out, and awoken, and continued drinking. Almost Everypony else had gotten some sleep.

"Ooohh maaan!" said Dingo, staring at the palace before them. "Dude it looks way better than the show!"
At the very some moment, Twilight twitched, and dropped the saddle-bag she was attempting to sling over her back. Fortunately for everypony nearby, the unknown Alicornian wrath of The Princess and embodied essence of Magic itself was staved off by the distracting arrival of a dude. Not so-called because of his sex, or any relation to what species he was. He was most definitely a pony. No, he was a dude because he was a dude.

This was made evident by his first utterance upon appearing.
Which was; "DUDE!"

Shining Armor cantered from the recently built extension to the captial city of the empire which housed the train station to the car from which they had all emerged in all his bodacious glory.

"Twily! Sis you made it!" he called out.
"Ofcourse we made it. It was a train ride, not some epic adventure." she responded, still somewhat irked, though her ire was very mild all things considered.
"Dude that's not what I heard. I heard somepony got upto a heck of a mess in the-"
"DUDE!" came a cry from the last pony to finally emerge from the train, utterly unable to stand. It would have been unfair to suggest he was thrown from the train, as the crystal ponies were nothing if not patient, though it is still debated if trait was gained from their being comprised of inexplicably organic stone, or from their millennium-length hiatus from existence.

Rather he was simply chest-bumped out, as the crystal guardspony who had been ponysitting him the entire trip had decided that he would leave the train, the presence of the drunk before him be damned. The drunk was unquestionably Lemon, who had been near-literally stonewalled from the train car, his attempts to gingerly navigate his own way through the complex and menacing contraption known as a doorway prematurely accelerated.

The result was that of his legs not being informed of the transition, and as such he experienced a top-heavy topple, his chin being forced to provide the services of a foot, or hoof. It would have been mildly distressing were this a new experience for him.

But what it did do was catch Shining Armor's attention, as he trotted over to the faceplantee, crouched down infront of him, and laid bare his vast vocabulary.

"Dude! Y'okay?"

Lemon, for all his faults, was atleast prepared for this.

"I'm cool man!" he managed to get out, having to crane his neck and move his skull, as opposed to his jaw, to speak.
"Haha alright! Hey what's a man?" asked Shining, turning to his sister.

She gave him a glare that she might have explained, had he the attention span to bring it up later. Instead, he took it as nonverbal communication to mean 'something nerdy'.

This little exchange prompted Shining to bid his buddy 'later' and return to the more stable group, and direct them toward the palace. He did this knowing, in some deep corner of his walnut of a brain, that they already knew the way, paying no real mind to the fuckwits other than new additions to the clutch of faces he was going to be looking at from time to time while they were here, and as such it was more a formality, as befitting of the captain of the royal guard, and effective prince of the region.

Though in Shining's opinion, Princehood was overhyped, as the only real difference it brought to his life was that he was addressed as 'Sir' or 'Your Grace' instead of 'Captain' or 'Cap'.

"So dudes, listen up!" he ordered as he began leading the group into the palace. "We're gonna meet with the lady of the house, my girl Mia, or Princess Cadence to you less espoused dudes." he announced with a slight air of pride, assumedly of his matrimony to the princess allowing him to publicly call her 'Mia' or 'Cadie', and certainly not in his princely status bringing him sweet little croutons of nobility like the knowledge of, and able use of, words like espoused.

"From what I knew when I came to get you guys she's gonna be in the massive reception hall which she made the new like, throne room, where she's got all the mirrors, doin' studies on other dimensions." he announced as he led them all through the massive door that entered into what was an outright indoor courtyard. The large windows lining the walls had no glass in them, and the floor was more a wide path, lined by shining, translucent grass, and relatively small crystal trees, looking for all the world like sculptures crudely cut from the precious stone, but the slight sway in the draft that flew through the hall and the soft twinkling from their leaves, just as green leaves on wooden trees would rustle in the wind.

And before them were the mirrors, arranged in what looked to be two broken circles around a small plateau, rather like a personal stage for the layer of thick and puffy silken cushions, on which sat Princess *Cadenza, sagely turning this way and that in her seat, examining the collection.

"Cadie!" Shining Armor called to his wife as the group drew closer to the court's centerpiece.
"Cadence!" joined his little sister, who trotted ahead and deftly wove between the mirrors, which were each easily as tall as Princess Luna, with only a few at the far side of the arrangement that looked to reach Celestia's height, and they were spaced quite far, leaving the court looking rather like a museum hall with only a single large exhibit in the middle, as the rest of the group broke up and sort of mingled through the assortment as the princess' husband and in-law trotted to her little stage.
"Twilight! Good to see you here again! We ought to hang out more, maybe with less giant worms!"
"Oh don't even get me started on giant worms! There are far more species of giant worms in Equestria that even I want to know about and I've already had to actually deal with more than enough of them to know what they're all about." was Twilight's cheerful sarcasm, and as they shared a giggle, the rest of the troop were enraptured with the various mirrors, each with odd frames and very faint, bizarre sounds heard, too soft to be specifically noticed but constantly on the edge of hearing, even when anypony would put their head as close as they dared, trying to catch anything recognizable.

The Princess of the realm noticed, with the experience of somepony who knows her subjects.
"Please try not to touch any of the mirrors. There has been very little activity from them but only a few nights ago one of them spat out a bird. The bird was either heavily wounded or simply didn't fit properly in this universe because it didn't look like any bird, or even bird-shaped creature I'd ever seen. I only knew it was a bird because it had feathers and a beak, and as it flew away it burst into flames. Blue flames, that didn't seem to bother it. What I'm saying is please don't touch the mirrors, because I am no closer to knowing where they lead and any one of them could just suck you through." she warned, noticing in particular her husband staring at one of them, the surface of which rippled constantly.

Stood next to him was Lemon, also staring fixedly at the rippling surface. Atleast neither of them seemed interested in touching it.

"I wonder what's gotten over them." mumbled Fluttershy.
"Well, I dare say-" began Cadence
"Well my brother is an idiot." joked Twilight, interrupting her.
"And Mr Lemon seems to be drunker'n tartarus." added Applejack.
"We'd better collect them, to see you all to your rooms."

With the Pegasi acting as sheperds to herd the drunk and the dope, they made their way through to the guest wing, as they were shown to their rooms. Rarity made one more attempt to speak to Zegram, perhaps to suggest things or to apologize, but he was not interested, as was the indication when she found herself staring at his hoof, held to her face, as he entered his room. Lemon was gently guided into the room by the crystal guardspony who had been at the bar for the train-ride, and had brought tape along with him, which he dropped infront of Zegram as Lemon began to sway on his hooves.

"Spent the entire journey with this one. You'llnot want him wanderin' off." he said stoically, stonefaced with an air of forced calm, as he left.

Indeed Zegram knew exactly what to do, and with a minimum of fuss from a Lemon who hadn't really noticed what was going on, he fastened the drunk to the wall of the room, before throwing himself onto the bed.

And regretting that decision as his body slammed against the hard stone that was meant to pass for a mattress.
The last thing he heard before drifting off to sleep on the cold stone was Lemon, taped to the wall.

"Hey this is pretty kinky man."

Author's Note

I DID THIS CHAPTAR ALL BY MYSELF.
(teeny tiny edits provided by serv)

I PROMISE NEVER TO DO THAT AGAIN.
EVER.

OH MY GOD.

Whole-Sale Crystal Rope Outlet

Lemon woke up with a start. Something was amiss.
Or maybe he was still taped to the wall.
He began to struggle against the tape and eventually, in a much more descriptive manner (Man, im such a good writer), freed himself, much to his enjoyment.
Not so much to his enjoyment, however, he fell face first onto the floor.
Fully awakened by his fall, Lemon stepped out into the castle to-
"I CANT WAIT TO BE A USELESS PEICE OF SHIT ALL DAY AND STUDY ALL THESE MIRRORS!"
Lemon paused. Did he just hear what he-
"OH FUCK, NOW IM FALLING DOWN THESE CRYSTAL STAIRS."
Lemon turned his head to see Princess Cadence, endlessly falling down a crystal staircase. Meanwhile in the corner of the room, Sombra was furiously fapping to the fall.
Like, I dont think you understand how furious this is. He should be getting friction burns from the sheer speed of this.
Wait is-
"OH JEZUZ, HE'S INTENSIFYING!" Yelled Zegram in a Sailor Suit, who randomly appeared next to Lemon.
"Wha-" began Lemon, but was once again cut-off by the author.
Yes, it appeared that King Samba was intensifying, his sombrero tilted on his head and his maracas shaking so fast they failed to produce sound. Holes were beginning to open in reality. That was because King Samba was...

QUANTAM FAPPING THROUGH THE 9TH DIMENSION!

Lemon stood there stunned and confused. Luckily both status effects wore off within 8 seconds, due to the armor he wore, which gave resistance to that kind of thing.
Lemon was starting to get a little irritated. "Can someone explain whats goi-"
No.
"But I just wa-"
Nuh-uh.
"STOP INTERUPTING-"
MAKE ME NERD, IM THE NARRATOR I CAN DO WHAT I WANT. YOU CANT EVEN REPLACE ME WITH THE GUY FROM EARTHWORM JIM OR AN INTERN BECAUSE YOU TWO CANT PAY TO HIRE ONE HAHAHA.
Lemon was at the end of his rope at this point. He needed to go down to the whole-sale crystal rope outlet downtown. And so he and his bitches went.
Sudden scene change is quite a startling occurance indeed.
"OH FUCKING CHRIST WHAT" Said Lemon in a pimp outfit. Looking around he noticed the Whole-sale crystal rope outlet.
"oh well, might as well buy some bondage gear." said Lemon trotting up to the whole-sale crystal rope outlet. Inside the whole-sale crystal rope outlet however, was not crystal rope being sold in a whole-sale crystal rope outlet. It was Cadence. In a sailor suit.
"Oh hi, Lemon." said Cadence. In a sailor suit.
"Hello, your majesty, hey you, you wouldnt happen to know what the hell is going on here would you?" asked Lemon with a hint of some emotion I cant think of right now.
"Oh just the the usual. Oh and about you buying bondage gear? I-I dont think so." Said Cadence, calmy.
Lemon looked about with unease. "Oh yeah? and why is this?"
Cadence beamed. "Well you see, I am A GAINT ROBOOOOOOOOOT!" yelled Cadence as she morphed into a pink colored Liberty Prime.

BOSS ENCOUNTER: FRIENDSHIP PRIME

Oh, exasperation! That was the emotion I was thinking of. Yeah.
"What." said Lemon, who couldnt can so hard that his toucan based cutie mark had flown away.
Unfortunantly, the activation of Friendship Prime had destroyed most of the whole-sale crystal rope outlet, which was sad because alot of ponies really liked the whole-sale crystal rope outlet, mostly due to the fact that the whole-sale crystal rope outlet was the only place you could buy quality crystal rope, but that IS to be expected of a whole-sale crystal rope outlet.
Lemon looked up at Friendship Prime and with a mighty bellow he exclaimed!
"Fuck this, im going back to the castle." and so he walked valiently back towards the castle.
With no one to fight, Friendship Prime went about its primary directive of destorying communists. Which was the entirety of the crystal empire. Well except for the whole-sale crystal rope outlet. Dont ask how it works.

Back at Castle Hayskull (I feel sick to my stomach after making that pun), Princess Lemon sat upon his golden throne/toilet/text-to-speech machine, along side the royal consort, Zegram. Who was wearing a Sailor suit. For this joke however, assume that this time its a Sailor Suit from the anime Sailor Moon. I'll even let you pick which one you want it to be!
Lemon sighed. "Zegram, what the fuck is going on?"
"เ ςคภ รєє tђє ร๏ยภ๔ร tђคt קє๏קl÷ֳ ֳקאְєֳ ף₪кє." said Zegram through his anti-matter hole.
Lemon thought for a moment. "Luna, can I wake up now?"
"W-wha? OH YES, My apoligies I got distracted by whatever this... is." said Princess Luna through the dream world.
"Thank you." said Lemon.
And then Lemon woke up.
Fuckin' party pooper.

Author's Note

HAHA
HAAAAHAHAHAHA TIMEZONES

SHHHH

Courtesy of Dingo

Chap 10: Apples in a Pear Tree

And what was that commotion?

A violent struggle, of sorts. To call it a fight would have been charitable, and calling it a struggle still was. But there was little else to accurately describe the act of a drunk pony attempting to fight with a very large and nonplussed pony.

Big Mac was attempting to ignore the small drunk repeatedly hoofing at his flank. He was a small and spry looking grey pony, repeatedly jamming himself into Big Mac as a fly on a wall. Pointless and not very irrtating to the wall.

"Thhhink yer tough, b-...big guy!?" he mumbled, batting against the colossal red thigh.

"Nnope" was the only response he got. He didn't like that very much.

It seemed as if he had irritated Big mac enough with his constant haranguing, as he had gotten a response. A response in the form of a solid kick, from one of Mac's massive legs. It didn't seem to deter to drunk much, as he got to his hooves, dusted himself off, and charged at Mac again, laughing like a madpony.

It was quite the show, and a good deal of Appleoosan townsponies agreed, as they began to form a crowd. A one sided 'fight' between a pony convinced he was winning, and a pony trying to continue his business whilst ignoring the fly. What went for entertainment in Appleoosa must've been rather tame.

As the now three fuckwits approached the scene, Twilight and her gaggle of friends were already nearby, watching just like the rest, save for Applejack, who had tipped her hat over her face, likely out of embarrassment. A swarm of birds flew overhead, but scattered as they reached the crowd. None of them, not the elements, nor the idiots had any clue as to what to do.

Pinkie had gotten popcorn from nowhere in particular, and was sharing it out to her friends and the crowd.

"So what now?" asked Lemon.

As he turned to his friends, he began stare bemusedly at Zegram, who was slowly raising his hoof. He slowly reached towards Lemon's face, and as it drew near, he slowly but firmly pressed it against Lemon's muzzle. If this were a cartoon, there would likely have been a 'honk' sound.

"Boop." he said. "You're it."

Immediately he flapped his wings and took to the sky, and as Lemon turned to Dingo, confused, she simply smiled at him and followed suit. It took him a full minute for the gears to turn, and as he realized what was happening, he lowered himself to the ground, spread his wings, and with a mighty flap, launched from the ground at a force and speed that would have caught Rainbow Dash's interest, were she not cheering for Big Mac at the time.

The three of them put on a display of air-tag that managed to split the crowd's attention, as their little game included aerial dives and barrel rolls, loop-de-loops and full-contact body-slams. Even Rainbow and Pinkie had noticed, and whilst Pinkie's popcorn munching intensified, Rainbow had taken an analytical approach, and began examining and judging the fuckwits and their moves. Her overall impression was 'not bad'.

After a minute, it seemed the scuffle between Big Mac and his mortal enemy had come to a close, as Zegram spotted Applejack waving her hat at him as he was in hot pursuit. As he landed with a level of grace that surprised even him, he took a moment to wonder how he had come to be so capable at flying. Indeed, how they all had. As he touched down, he noticed both Rainbow Dash and Pinkie staring at him, Pinkie with an unsettling look on her face.

It was like she was an owl who just saw a fat mouse.

"That a friend of yers?" she asked, pointing at Dingo, who was still engaged in a circular pursuit with Lemon.

"Sure is." he replied.

"ANOTHER ONE!?
OHMYGOSHTHATISSOCOOLICANTWAITTOMEETHERANDSHECANBEOURNEWESTFRIENDFOREVER!"

Zegram had no response to that.

"She from yer uh, other dimension place too?"

"...yeeeah"

"She anything like you two?"

"YOU PINEAPPLE-LOOKIN' MOTHERFUCKER, I'M GONNA SLAP THE BITCH OUTTA YOU!" was the cry from the aforementioned, as she closed to gap with Lemon and slammed into him, knocking them both out of the air, and throwing up a dust cloud as they landed with a thud on the dusty earth of the Appleoosan street.

The outcry caused Rainbow, who had simply stood and kept quiet, burst into a fit of laughter.

Zegram didn't even turn to look at them, as he said "Maybe."

"Uh huh" was Applejack's stoic reply.

"Cousin Applejack!" came a cry from the now dispersing crowd, and none other than Braeburn, the local representative of the Appleoosa branch of the Apple family appeared.

"Braeburn!" she called back to him, and a quick hug was shared as Zegram turned to join his odd compatriots in their tangled mess.

"Didya see the fight? Ol' Salt Licker thought he could take Cousin Big Mac, but he got shown din't he?"

"Yeah uh, listen Brae-"

"He sure did!" chimed in Rainbow Dash. "Got his flank hoofed to him! Your brother might be a little boring Applejack, but he's rock ha-..." but caught herself as Applejack and Braeburn both got struck with laughter.

"Cousin I needa talk to y'all fer a second. Somethin's come up down at our orchard an' I figured since y'all were here we could maybe-" but he was cut off by some yelling in the distance.

"YER GETTIN 7 ACROSS THE ASS TONIGHT"

"YA'LL CAINT GIT MEEEEE"

"OH GAWD, ZEGRAMS GOT THE AIDS RUN"

"Who're yer friends anyhow, cousin?"

"Uh, they're uh...nevermind about them jus' now Braeburn. What did you want?"

"Well, since all you element types are here I figured we could use the help of yer unicorn pals. There's somethin' weird and most likely magical goin' on down at our orchard. Some kinda magical doohickey thing's there."

"That does sound like the kinda thing Twilight could help with, sure enough." said Applejack, tapping a hoof on her chin.
"Awf'ly convenient though, considerin' we ain't been in town more'n a couple hours." she said to herself, as she walked to gather the elements together, and reluctantly, the fuckwits.

The apple orchard down at the Apple family ranch had indeed received a macguffin visitor. Upon first inspection, it looked to be a face. Only Twilight recongized it as being a face, due to her encounter with 'humans', but even to her trained eyes the face seemed warped and disturbing. It was cast in dark stone, and upon closer examination, seemed to only be a piece of something larger, as indicated by the jagged edges where it had clearly broken off from something.

Pinkie wouldn't even look at it, as one glance and she claimed it was screaming at her. Twilight had to admit, that the object did exude a sense of upset, and there was a faint feeling of distress emanating from it's mouth, like an inaudible scream.

None of the ponies gathered around this object had so much as gotten too close to it, and Twilight had only eyed it, not daring to touch it with hoof or magic. It didn't even sit on the ground, it simply floated.

As Twilight approached it closer, with Braeburn close behind her, Applejack was trying to halt the question machine that was Pinkie Pie, from getting direct access to their new acquaintance. Rainbow Dash seemed remiss to even speak to her. Fluttershy kept pestering Rainbow, citing that she looked flustered.

Rarity barely cared at all at this point, as Applejack had given them all a rudimentary introduction.

"Here's another one of 'em."

"So whaddya think it is Miss Twilight Princess ma'am?" asked Braeburn, nervous about the effect this thing might have on his apples. And what it might do to the fruits on his appletrees.

As she was about to answer, the ground shook. A loud, low rumble rose up, and as the ground began to shake with increasing violence, an appletree began to shake. As it's apples fell to the ground, Applejack called out.

"BLOOMBERG!" she cried, as the tree began to sink. Shuddering violently, it was harshly pulled down through the ground, and the two Apple ponies couldn't help but watch as one would when watching a pet go through a meat grinder.

As a distressed Applejack and Braeburn had a fit at the unexplainable loss Bloomberg, Twilight and gang braced for impact. There was a sixth sense about a rumble of this nature.

And sure enough, the ground tore open and from within the earth came forth a hideous monstrosity. An immense worm creature, erupting from the earth and swallowing up the disturbing macguffin with it's entry.

Twilight froze. Fluttershy yelped and hid behind her. Applejack and Braeburn were grief-stricken, and Pinkie and Rarity screamed. Rainbow Dash simply stared in awe of the size of the creature.

Easily as tall as a house, just shorter than an apple-tree, and unknowably long, what with most of it's body still submerged, the creature had a head like an upturned shovel, eyes all over it's pointed head, accompanied by spines.

As it roared, Twilight and her scholarly impulse had to declare, for she knew what this monster was.

"An equestrian death worm!?" she cried out, staring it in it's many eyes.

Dingo was now several feet above the ground, staring in similar awe as Rainbow, while Zegram simply groaned. As bizarre and threatening as this scenario was, his ire came from what he saw. It had eaten the macguffin.

"Not this again" he whined.

Lemon, on the other hoof, was foaming at the mouth. He was hyperventilating, and his wings were wide open. With a gutteral roar, he reared up.

"IT BETTER NOT GET A FUCKING SHIELD!" Zegram shouted.

"THRESHEEERRRRRRRR!" Lemon cried out.

Author's Note

I HATE THRESHERS

OH MY GOD I HATE THRESHERS

Also I am considering maybe repealing the "NO ROMANCES" rule. Maybe. It might be funny. We'll see.

Chap 12: Titles are for Nerds

"SO!" asked Zegram as the group awaited their train. "Head any better?"

"Ugh" muttered Twilight as she tended to her tender head with a deceptively soft hoof. Pony anatomy was still a mystery to Zegram, as was the feeling that of the now three fuckwits, he was the only one wondering about such quirks. Dingo had her excuse though, as she was lacking the couple days' experience that he and Lemon had.

"No, sadly. It's still throbbing, but I think I have a handle on it now. Look, I'm sorry for snapping at you two like that. None of us had any clue that you would get...morphed like this. Thank Celestia that things didn't go even more south though, right?" she remarked, wallowing in her embarrassment.

"Hey c'mon, it's fine. Everyone gets cranky with a nasty headache." he responded, casually waving away the tension.

"Everypony" added the scholar.
"No." was his curt response. It was kinder than the fuck you sparkle butt ringing in his head.

Though there were only 13 of them, the group was effectively a crowd all on it's own on the train platform, and Zegram broke away from Twilight in search of Dingo, feeling there was most certainly a mess to discuss. He only made a few steps before he was intercepted by a certain prismatic personality, who thudded down abruptly before him.

"Hey!" Rainbow chirped at him, before adopting a softer composure. "Yeah uhm, sorry about your wings. I'd be lost without mine." she said, in what she thought was a comforting common-ground admission.

"Aaah it's fine" dismissed Zegram. "Never been a big fan of heights in the first place. I've been an earthbound creature most of my life, I think I can manage a return to status quo."

"Wh-huh?" puzzled Rainbow, not only at his verbose ramble. "Nevermind. Listen, I uh...I need your help with something." she told him.

"And what would that be?"

"I need you to uhm, I want you to set me up with your friend." she said, with a nervous whip of her tail.

Zegram could do little but stare at her. Her nerves only climbed, and the resulting reaction form Zegram was not very encouraging, as he erupted into a hearty laugh.

He even fell over.

"HAHAHAhahoo, I dontHAHA I dont think she'd be into thaHAHAAAT" he managed, catching his breath as quick as he spent it.

"No I meant the oth-wait, you know?" she asked, now perplexed. "Who told you?" she demanded.
Unfortunately, Zegram had come to identify one overall problem in Equestria whenever it's denizens attempted something other than relaxed diplomacy.

A creature like Rainbow Dash trying to intimidate him into confessing the source of his knowledge was far too adorable in it's own right, and under the current circumstances it was too hilarious, and so the only response Rainbow got to her grilling was renewed laughter. She even tried her most impressive wing flare and everything.

However, the comedy of the situation was dampened slightly when Rainbow adopted a pleading attitude.

"C'mon, just help me out with this. It'll be awesome, a-and I could do you a favour back!"

This was a surprise to him, and the sobering notion allowed him the control to compose himself. Mostly.

"Dash, I..." he said, without making the face.
"I don't think you understand what I meant by that."

"Well what DID you mean then?" she asked, impatient with him.

"Listen, if you were a chicken, aand you found yourself in a world of say, goats, and you became a goat, would you at any point want to have sex with a goat? Sure you're a goat now but you were always a chicken, and you would likely prefer chickens. Ya get me?"

Apparently she got it, because Zegram could see the moment the gears turned and Rainbow's body sagged some.
"Pony feathers!" she muttered, dejected. "She's so ho-"

"THEN AGAIN!" Zegram chirped, silently surprised that he had just made that sound. There were still questions in his mind about things like pony language and how he was understanding sounds that certainly did not match up with his ideas of language. But aside from that, his chirping perked her up.

"She DID mention something about being like, omnisexual." he said. Rainbow knew not what it meant, but it sounded promising.

"What's that mean?" she asked, hopefully.

"Means she'd fuck anything" he replied, rather casually.

"Fuck?" said Rainbow, tilting her head like a confused dog.

"Sssssex" was his bemused and partially-sarcastic response.

"But Applejack sai-"
"YOU KNOW WHAT NEVERMIND! I'll see what I can do."

"YESSS!" hissed Rainbow as she hoofpumped "You're awesome dude!" she said, as she turned and headed back through the crowd, likely to prepare for a date.

"I ain't gonna do a damn thing" Zegram muttered to himself.

================================================================================

Life was boring for the spirit of Chaos. Discord, a being almost entirely dependent on surprises and fun, was not enjoying his term in the land of harmonious order.

He even hated the word order.

Ever since he was reformed, Discord had actually managed to spread a decent amount of chaos without incurring the wrath of the skittles canon.

1000 years to learn that lesson. No wonder Celestia sent Twilight Sparkle somewhere else to learn about it, she was terrible at teaching friendship lessons.

Nothing new had happened in such a long time (Except for his plunder vines finally growing, now THAT had been funny), and for a while it seemed like not much would.

But then something even Discord didn't anticipate. Humans breached the void and entered this universe. Actual, live humans. But they weren't humans, not currently. A universe so harmonious and ordered wouldn't allow that. Even Discord wasn't capable of existing in his most truest incarnation here. The humans had been reconfigured into ponies, by the universe of ponies which they had entered.

That alone was funny enough, but then the ex-humans would prove to be highly amusing in their own rights, and that was just golden.

The Yellow one. He seemed easy-going enough and it was not hard to tell that he was thoroughly enjoying most of the experience that was Equestria. There was an underlying madness within this one that Discord was particularly interested in, but it was buried under layers of learned control and prohibitive alcoholism. Discord had wrestled with the idea of simply unlocking him by using his ever unbeatable powers to simply infuse the creature's blood with alcohol, but it seemed too easy, and the genuinely reformed part of him argued that it would even be somewhat villainous. Soon enough Discord reasoned with himself that this one's quest to acquire drink would be entertaining by itself, and the following drunken antics just an afterthought bonus.

That and he was actually a fun fellow, with good ideas for relatively harmless pranks. The inner chaos of the yellow one was promising.

Then there was the Orange one. Now there was an enigma. Lacking the writhing scribble of a mess that was his friend's buried madness, this one had a burning fire of pure insanity burning in him, but it was a slow burn. Embers of an entire sun of madness. This one had not a coiled beast of fun to be let out, but he had a lot of fuel to keep it alive. And fuel could always be consumed quicker, if something were to set it off. Discord regarded him mostly as a ticking timebomb, but what the explosion would bring about was a mystery, for his mind was all together difficult to read.

His thoughts were easy enough, sure. At first this one was curious and engaged, before he became bogged down with reasoning and the desire to discover answers to questions. At that point Discord had regarded him as a boring soppy bookworm like the newly crowned Princess, but there was still that ember which kept his notice. It's promise was far too great. It had the makings of a new era of chaos within this one, but the control was far too strong. Unlike the yellow one, this one's control was built into his being, and his concern for getting home was a very overbearing thought that kept his madness at bay.

There was also the desire he had that the yellow one did not. As entertaining and chaotic as the yellow one would be, this orange one had a genuine desire to really screw with the minds of ponies, and Discord admired that, for it reminded him of himself.

They were working to find a way to leave this place, and Discord aimed to oppose this. He couldn't bear the thought of these two fun-seekers just leaving.

So he set up a little goose-chase, as it were. Afterall, these two had expressed a desire to tour Equestria, and this plan would set about granting them just that. The orange one, the reasonable one, had a very real concern that he might not make it back home, and Discord sympathized, but he had that covered. Of that he was certain.

And so the stage was set, and Discord could sit back and enjoy the chaos that these two were spreading, both intentionally and not.
But they were growing accustomed to things, and the influence of those element-bearers was bogging them down and making them boring. Left to their own devices these two would bounce their respective chaotic features off eachother and spread all wonderous kinds of amusement, and it was this thought that gave Discord a genius idea.

Throw another one into the mix!

All he had to do was use incredibly unpredictible magic to reach across space, time, and a Dennys to pull another being from another plane of existence, sit it down right in front of an abomination woven from other animals, and explain that he just wants to have some fun.

'This is one of those times chaos magic really sucks' Discord thought to himself, though he'd never admit that to ANYTHING.

So Discord had to use a more orderly spell.

Using the faint traces of magic that the 2 gave off, he could pull something with a similar type of resonance from their universe to him.

Though that was a curious thing, that they gave off something similar to chaos magic,without it being exactly that. Likely it was simply their being out of place both in location and state of being.

But, now is not the time for Discord to think about the logical.

Now was the time for fun.

================================================================================

"So how far around the world do you reach?" Lemon inquired

"Like, this far, dude." Replied the grass

"Yeheheeaaah, rock on man"

The newly acquired earth-pony talents of communicating directly and literally with nature were certainly being put to good use. Lemon had managed to discover that the grass, spanning as far as it did across this land, was infact high as all manner of kite.

Over to the side, Rarity and Applejack were staring at him with disconcertion.

"Is... Is he completely mad or is he actually talking to the grass?" Asked Rarity

"Ahm gonna hafta say both, Sugarcube." said Applejack

A clumsy thud on the ground announced the arrival of Dingo, who had been struggling with walking upright, given that she was still new to her evidently volatile form. From Human to winged horse to flightless horse in a single day, she had decided to simply refuse the changes. It wasn't working.

Toppling over did give her a moment to notice things however.

Dingo looked upon Lemon and said "...Where did he get weed?"

"Weed?" was his response, as he perked up.

"What?" said a weed.

"The fuck're you doing man?" she asked the green and yellow fuckwit.

"Ta-uh talking to the grass." he deadpanned.

"Wh-...why?"

At this point he stood up fully, and closed the gap so as to whisper into her ear, which immediately whapped him on the nose as he began whispering.

"Being an earth pony is boooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiing."

He backed up, no longer able to take the vicious assault to his face that her ear was giving him.
"I can run for longer and talk to plants, whoop de doo, I'm a shittier version of Aqua Man!"

"Hey c'mon now." she said to him, smirking a little. "Aquaman's not that ba-GHRK! Sorry, sorry. Ahem. He's not that baANOPE! Can't -snrk!- say it and not -snrk!- laugh." she said, struggling to keep a straight face.

Their little repartee was interrupted by the arrival of Zegram, who had found his target.

"SO! Dingo!"

"Yes?"

"Yes?"

"Quiet, you're not Dingo."

"Fine"

"What'd you want Zegram?"

"What's with you being here? People don't just show up here for no reason." he said to her, bluntly.

Dingo tried to scan the environs for some kind of escape.

Applejack and Big Mac were huddled with Braeburn, hats off and solemn faces. Fluttershy was nannying the crusaders, who were contented with literally running around her in a circle, and Twilight was discussing magic with Rarity. Pinkie was sitting, unnervingly calm, clutching onto the sack that the artifact had been put into. She was rocking slowly, but the look on her face said vigilance, not disturbed. She was clearly on guard duty.

"Y-yeah" she stammered. "That doesn't just happen I guess."

Trying to back away without actually moving, Dingo straightened up and tried a new ploy.
"How'd YOU guys get here anyways?" she asked.

"I won the lottery!" offered Lemon, and received a blank stare in response.

"What? I DID!"

"It's true. He got fucktons of money, bought a moonrock, I went with him to collect it 'cause plot device, and the rock did a thing." explained Zegram, theatrically wafting his hooves through the air.

"So basically we hung out with Luna for a day and then when she went home we kinda followed her 'cause we were thinking why the fuck not, we have rock."

"You lucky fucks" Dingo interjected.

"I miss rock" grumbled Lemon.

"Only when we stepped through we mutated, which fucking hurt by the way, aaaand then the rock just exploded. Just like fuckin' that."

"Poof" whined Lemon, morose at the memory of rock.

The poof was clearly a signal, for at that moment, the train arrived rather abruptly at the station. Upon it's arrival, Twilight had already rounded up the rest of the group, ready to board. She approached the fuckwits thus.

"Well we're ready to head back to Ponyville now. You three best get aboard."

"Ponyville?" asked fuckwit du jour. "We were headed to The Crystal Empire we thought."

"We are, but we'll be stopping back at Ponyville first. It's a long trip and I need Spike to send my correspondence to Cadance before we arrive. Plus, we're likely to need extra supplies. The Crystal Empire is a cold place you know. Oh, who am I kidding, ofcourse you know!" said Twilight, casually disregrding the fact that the lives of her and her friends had been the subject of infantile observation as fictitious writings.

And so it was that Applejack and Big Mac said their goodbyes to Braeburn, who in turn told them that the funeral would be a week from then, as Rarity and Rainbow Dash helped Fluttershy herd the fillies aboard. Pinkie climbed aboard with the artifact safely stowed away in her hammerspace mane, glancing around in a suspicious manner to root out suspicious behaviour, whilst Twilight and the fuckwits simply boarded like adults.

Except for Lemon, who was caught staring into space and slammed his muzzle into the doorway.

Aboard the train, The three fuckskateers and the mane 6 were gathered in one cart, and the fillies and Big Mac were left in the neighbouring one, no doubt getting up to all kinds of silliness.

Being the entourage of a Princess had it's perks.

"So." Dingo hashed out, rubbing her hooves together nervously. "Where to start."

She was put off slightly by the fact that the six faces of cartoon characters she knew were now staring her in the face intently, awaiting her world-class storytelling.

"So basically, these two-" she motioned toward Zegram and Lemon, who were oblivious as they quietly argued amongst themselves and occasionally blew raspberries at eachother
"-and I are from the same world. Or universe. I think. Sometimes I wonder but I'm pretty sure we're form the same place.

"Awfully convenient, isn't it." commented Rarity, in that high-society faux-sarcasm tone that only she would even dare adopt.

Stow it thought Dingo, but bit her tongue. Literally, chomp.

Dingo, the human, had experienced a rotten day. The events of the day were on par, but a single event therein had ruined the whole affair, and so a rotten day was had.

An uneventful and routine morning gave no forewarning of the events to come, so as Dingo arrived at her workplace only to find a pair of co-workers sprinting by and screaming, she had nothing by way of preparation.

That... That's not a happy thing. She thought to herself as she took it upon herself to investigate, a cursory glance in the direction they had run from. What she discovered gave her a start and the forefront of her mind decided that her co-workers had the right idea, and she joined in their panic.

Standing outside the gooey remains of her place of employment, Dingo ruminated on what had just happened. The pair of geniuses had gotten it into their heads to stuff marshmallow peeps into the break-room microwave, for the purposes of delicious science and discovery. What they discovered instead was that this gave the peeps the bright idea to expand. And expand some more. And to not stop expanding until their marshmallowey goodness encompassed the entirety of the store's interior in a solid mass of burning goop.

Since a solid object, made of lava-hot marshmallow was not a fit place of employment, the employees were all suddenly without work.

The walk home was an angry one. And an astounded one, considering she'd had no idea peeps were capable of such a destructive transformation. Microwaves were a weird and dangerous science, to be sure. She decided then, that to soothe her temper at the unfortunate circumstance, she would attempt art. Why she thought art would be a salve to the savage heat of anger is anyone's guess.

Her decision was inspired. The unpredictable chaos of the peeps expansion gave her thoughts of Discord, the mis-matched creature of fun from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

Not being a talentless reject, a picture was drawn, and the colours began being added. About halfway through, as Dingo fussed with the shade of pink for his tail, when he felt it necessary to comment.

"It's actually a shade lighter than that" he commented helpfully.
"Oh thanks" she replied, before realizing. The realization brought about screaming, at which point the computer she was sat at decided to bloom to a blinding light which sucked her in, tron-style.

It didn't stop when she landed infront of the laughing god in Fluttershy's back yard. It didn't stop when he explained what he was after, which was chiefly entertainment. It did stop however, when he mentioned The Humans.

"Lemon and Zegram, they are called. I think you would like them."

"THOSE TWO ARE HERE!?"

"Oh! You know them?"
The plot had indeed thickened.

"Ye-uh, yeah. Yeah they're my friends."

"Oh now that is interesting. Those two are forging quite the epic tale in their wake. Perhaps you want to be included?"

"S-uh...sure."

"Excellent!" at which point the Dragonequus snapped his finger and the human girl was instantly replaced by a bright red pegasus mare, decked out with a two-tone mane and a very fetching collar-wristband set.

"Now get to your place! The show begins soon!" he said excitedly, and with another snap, Dingo found herself in the middle of Appleoosa. Or above it, at any rate. Sat on a cloud, she frightfully glided down to the ground and hit the Appleoosa dirt with a thud.

================================================================================

"Aaand now im here." ended Dingo. The others had continued to listen intently, chiming in now and again with remarks and little questions.

Twilight Sparkle on the other hand, had stopped listening the second Discord had been revealed to be the culprit. It wasn't that she didn't care, its that she needed the time to think of how she was going to do horrible things to the Annoying Draconequus.

"-Gonna use a Melon Baller to scoop his eyes out-"

"Twilight?" said Applejack, trying to snap the mare out of it

"-Throw his hot ash into a lake and then POISON the lake-"

"Twilight." said AJ, a little louder

"-And then when that box gets to me ILL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!"

"Twilight!" AJ shouted into Twilights ear, startling the mare and snapping her out of her ranting.

This brought her out of it, and she decided to excuse herself from the car with an embarrassed chuckle and a flash-poof.

Zegram however, was Confused.

"How...How do Peeps just gain enough mass to-" he started, but was cut off as Lemon put a hoof onto his muzzle. "Ssshh, dont think about it" said Lemon.

"But-"

But the second interruption was from Lemon's face being pressed against his. The angle was a few degrees off from a kiss, but nevertheless the situation was still highly awkward and confusing.

"SSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH"

================================================================================

"I dont think you can."

"I can and I will!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-huh!"

Zegram had moved himself to the other train car, wherein the fillies were driving Big Mac's legendarily calm demeanor to it's limit.

He had chosen to volunteer himself to take a shift of babysitting for two important reasons.

The first was obvious. He had experience with children, and under the current circumstances of the car behind him it was a welcome option compared to sitting in a room listening to ponies girl-talk. Though he had experience with girl-talk, it was certainly the greater of two evils.

Dingo had stayed behind to get better acquainted with ponies she had previously thought fictional, resulting in the girl-talk. This caught Lemon's ire, who was not a fan of being the only hot-dog at a clam party, as it were, and he took it upon himself to get to snooping around the train.

The second reason for Zegram's volunteering only made itself evident when he entered the car.

Big Mac was so very done. His eyes begged for relief the likes of which would usually be found in one of six revolving chambers. It was a look known only to those who had themselves reached that precipice of breaking down. Pitying the poor red goliath, Zegram relieved him of his post with a nod, and received a quick and grateful nod in return, as the worn out stallion lumbered away from the the little ones.

Big Brothers look out for one-another.

Thus, Zegram found himself holding a ball aloft, as three little fillies adorably hopped impotently up and down in an attempt to wrest it from his grasp. It was Scootaloo's ball, that she had brought along for the trip, which had resulted in a game of catch, followed by a game of keep-away, only to end in Zegram's declaration, in a moment of utter silliness, that it could not be taken from him.

"NUH-UH!" he taunted, as the three fillies tried to overpower him with their little tackles, which felt to him like being pelted with large cotton puffs. Lemon was nowhere to be seen at this time and had he been there he would have staunchly refused to get involved. Children were not exactly his forté.

Eventually, he had succumbed to the relentless assault, and feigning defeat, slumped over to the ground, dropping the ball. Scootaloo and Applebloom had him pinned as Sweetiebelle retrieved the ball, much to his faux-ire.

"No! My evil plan to save the world is ruined!" he cried dramatically, causing the fillies to fall over giggling.

====

As the train pulled up to town, the group piled out. Applejack took a casual glance about her, only to have her attention caught.

"Uh, Sugarcube?" she asked Zegram and his new accessory. "Why's lil' Scootaloo sittin' up on yer head?"

"Why this is Scootahat" he deadpanned as the little filly sat, dignified, atop his head. Applejack simply stared at him.

"This was decided by the Cutie Mark Council." said Zegram, the CMC nodding in agreement. "It's a very serious thing, Sis" said Apple bloom in confirmation of this democratic decision.

"Uh...Huh." Said Applejack. "I'mma go ask Twilight what stuff ah should bring with us." Applejack said, walking away.

Zegram and his not-at-all-silly adornment approached the unsuspecting Rainbow Dash instead, and exchanged glances. "Okay ready?" He said. Scootaloo nodded. "Alright, 3 2 1..."

"SCOOTAHAT TRANSFER!" they both yelled right behind Rainbow Dash, startling her just as she felt a sudden weight on her head. She looked up to see Scootaloo perched on her head and waving at her. "Hi, Rainbow!" Scootaloo said excitedly, as Dash chuckled at the adorableness.

"Okay, Squirt, its time to hop down." Scootaloo frowned at this and declared her refusal.

"I cant Rainbow Dash, I'm a hat until stated otherwise."
Confused for just a moment, Rainbow decided to play along.

"Hmm... I should go ask Rarity if it 'matches my mane'" Rainbow said in her best canterlot accent, getting a laugh out of Scootaloo. The rest of the CMC followed Rainbow to Rarity's boutique.

The rest of the Fuckwits met up in town. "Alright, What do we do now?" asked Zegram.

"I WANNA LOOK AROUND!" Dingo exclaimed excitedly

"Someone's not aware of just how remote and country this place is yet." said Zegram sourly, recalling the boring disappointment of his own first tour of the town.

"You know..." said Lemon apprehensively. "Maaaybe we should stick to somepony? We don't actually need anyone to know we're humans."

Zegram spun around to look Lemon in the eyes. "Oh what, is Lyra gonna just so happen to be around to hear us admit that we're human and That is happening right now isnt it?"

"Uhh. Yeaaah." Said Bon Bon, looking confused while standing next to an incredibly Excited looking Lyra.

"Shit." said Lemon and Zegram at the same time.

Author's Note

HAH

DID IT

Those of you who actually like this story need to start showing some love to our roughdrafter RustyServbot, found Here
I have it on good authority this chapter was not entirely pleasant to make.

Go on, go give him some love.