The Best Winter Wrap-Up Ever!

by Mr Anomalous

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 4338

By this time, Charles Snippy has learned not to question "Zee Captain," and has learned to ignore the delusional "Master of the Universe." As it so happens, some of his antics are about to make much more sense...

Romantically Apocalyptic Crossover (I literally found that comic and spent four hours reading all 154 issues. Another one should be out soon...)

After a particularly rough day hauling his gear around with a couple of lunatics and a bitter scientist in a post-apocalyptic land now most commonly known as "Captania," Charles Snippy is tired. More so than usual, I mean, they've been attacked my aliens, zombies, nutrition worshiping cults (That was Captain's fault) and lots of things that shouldn't exist, but he had to admit that a legion of tri-breasted, sentient, transgender snakes was a first.

But, instead of giving Mr. Snippy a break, Pilot goes of and starts doing whatever it is he does, which kind of sucks the entire group into a(nother) trans-dimensional worm hole, this time to a place called "Equestria."

Oh Boy.

Published 2013-08-18 05:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-10 00:37:40 UTC

"I Hate Snakes..."

"I hate snakes," Alexander mumbled as he dropped his heavy pack onto the ground and lay down, using the shed pack as a pillow.

"Nonsense. Snakes are our friends," Zee Captain said, wagging a disapproving finger down at the tired scientist.

"I thought you had declared war on all snakes?" I mused.

"Well, we obviously just made allies with them."

"Oh? I could've sworn that hissing, chasing, and attempting to smother us with what looked like their breasts was considered hostile."

"Oh Snippy you fool, you obviously don't speak snake."

"Clearly."

I repeated the action that Alexander, or "Engie," had just done and soon found myself resting while Captain stood, pondering whatever it is he ponders, his ever-steaming mug in hand.

Pilot had just finished building a fire out of what few resources we had and cast what could only be a hostile look in my direction. He turned away and I caught him mumbling something about "shoe-obeying heretics" as he did so.

I exchanged glances with Alexander, who only shrugged and looked back towards the destroyed ceiling, continuing his nap.

The orange flames, though small, cast a dim light around the half-destroyed building that we had taken cover in as a rare moon poked its way through the dense clouds.

I found myself staring at the white, orb which sat far away, riddled with craters and covered in dust and rocks.

I gave an amused snort when I realized how similar it was with Earth.

I adjusted my coat and turned on my side, away from the growing flames and toward a pile of rubble. After checking my filter, I managed to drift into sleep, listening to Pilot's mumbling as I did so.

I was awoken abruptly by a shudder and a rumble in the ground beneath me. Startled, I snatched my close-by rifle and scrambled to my feet, rigid.

Alexander soon followed, brandishing a weapon of his own. Zee Captain was still asleep. Pilot was nowhere to be found.

"Psst. Captain!" I hissed.

The man only grumbled and stirred, gripping his teddy bear tighter.

"Captain!"

Suddenly, he was on his feet, the beat-up bear falling to the dust.

"Oh no! The great land of Captania is under attack! Quick, muster the troops!"

"We are mustered..."

"Not you, I mean the six companies of trusty laser-toting space marines!"

"..."

I ignored the Captain's last statement and listened as another quake shook the earth. Some of the rubble in the pile next to me fell from its spot, clattering down the sides.

"I'm sorry!" a voice came.

"What?" I said to myself.

"I'm so, so sorry!" it came again, this time louder.

I relaxed; it was only Pilot.

"Pilot!" the Captain called, "Have you betrayed us? If so, I'm afraid I'll have to force-feed you a rusty fork!"

The frightened man finally came into sight, rounding a corner from the entrance to the building.

"No! I'd never betray you! It's just-"

He was interrupted by yet another quake and he sprawled face-first into the ground, sending up a puff of dust.

"Goddammit, Pilot, what did you do?" Alexander groaned.

"I don't know!"

The ground, no, the space behind Pilot blurred and became enveloped by a roaring black mass.

Alexander, who had remained on his guard the entire time slumped.

"Another black hole? Just kill me now."

"Whee!"

Zee Captain swan dived into the gaping tear and reality. Pilot, who watched his space-wizard idol leap into the fissure scrambled up on his feet and followed.

"Wait, Captain, wait for meeeeeeeee!"

I looked around frantically, trying to figure out what to do.

Alexander was just laying down, weeping silently.

I gave a huff of defeat and leaped forward, grabbing my bag on the way.

"Snippy..."

I groaned.

"Sniiiipyyyy..."

"What?"

"Wake up."

"No."

"Do it, the Princess wants to meet you."

"Captain, I told you, I'm not playing Pink Princess Party with you. Ever."

"Wake up or I'll enact my authority as Supreme Space Wizard and Master of the Universe and have you executed."

"Oh? Well then, by all means, I apologize."

"You are forgiven, just don't let it happen again."

"Uh-huh, sure."

"Charles, you're gonna want to get up." Alexander's voice chimed in.

I frowned. Alexander was the only sane person in our group besides myself. I sighed and opened my eyes. I frowned again. The Sky. It looked...cleaner.

"Okay, what's going on?"

I stood up and squinted my eyes at the bright light.

"Woah..."

The area around me was...well, not dead. There were trees and grass and flowers, and birds flew around, chirping.

This change in scenery actually made me beleive that Captain had a real Princess waiting to see me.

My mistake.

"Snippy, say hello to Princess Mrs. Snippy."

"..."

"What?"

"I don't remember ever marrying a tree."

"Shh! You'll hurt her feelings."

I groaned again and turned to Alexander while Captain continued to whisper comforts to the hunk of wood and leaves.

"Where are we?"

"Beats me."

"Umm...alright then, where's Pilot?"

"Off doing Pilot things, I suppose."

"Huh..."

I did a slow three-sixty and took in all of my surroundings. We all, minus Pilot, stood atop a lush hill at the edge of a pine-filled forest. Past the trees, we were surrounded entirely by mountains. One of them in particular, directly in front of us, caught my eye.

For one, it was the by far the tallest, and for another I could swear that I saw something perched on it...

"Hey... Alex..."

"Doctor Gromov."

"Whatever. Let me see your binoculars."

The scientist dug around in his pockets for a while until he withdrew a pair and handed them over.

I raised them up to my lenses and squinted, concentrating on what I thought I saw.

"Ooh..."

"What?"

"That's interesting."

"Let me see."

Alexander pawed the binoculars from my grasp and held them up to his own lenses.

I heard him whistle under his mask.

Speaking of which...

"Hey...I think we can finally take these things off."

Still looking down the binoculars, Alexander mumbled "Huh. I think you're righ-"

"NO!"

He was interrupted by Zee Captain as he dove in between us, quite unnecessarily, and fell to the ground anticlimactically. Undeterred, he popped back up on his feet and cried, "We can't! The Holy Law of the Space Wizards and Kings is against it!"

"Why exactly?"

I suddenly found my vision filled with Captain's mask.

"We do not question The Holy Law of Space Wizards and Kings..."

I decided to humor him, as I had been doing ever since I knew him, and left it on.

Alexander only shrugged and motioned for the Captain.

"C'mere, look at this."

Zee Captain did so and whistled himself.

Then, rather painfully, he swung the binoculars into my chest and released them, forcing me to fumble with the delicate device until they were caught.

"Notify the troops, we have a nation to conquer! Onwards!"

Alex and I groaned.

Princess Twilight Sparkle and her companion, Princess Luna, both giggled over their tea.

"Flash did that?" Twilight asked, surprised and amused.

"Indeed," Luna answered with a chuckle.

"It's just...isn't that a bit...naughty?"

Luna laughed heartily as she nodded and sipped her tea.

"Unorthodox?"

"Absolutely."

"Did anyone ever find out? Besides you I mean."

Luna smirked and shook her head.

"Wow."

Twilight leaned back in her spot.

"That's odd."

"Yes, it is, but don't worry; I think the beast was dealt with."

"I hope so..."

The next few minutes were spent in a comfortable silence between the two as they finished their tea, casting knowing smiles about "what Flash did" to one another the entire time.

Luna was just about to say something after they had finished when there was a knock at the door.

Twilight eeped, startled. She then cleared her throat, her cheeks slightly flushed under Luna's a,used gaze, and called out, "Come in."

A Royal Guard poked his head into the Princess's quarters and said in a serious tone, "Her Majesty Celestia would like to have a word with you, at the gate."

"We'll be right there."

The gruff stallion nodded and extracted himself.

"What do you think that's all about?" Twilight asked.

Luna shrugged. "I don't know, but she'll be excepting us soon. Come on."

Twilight left her spot and the two trotted out the door down towards the gate.

"I've never seen anything like it."

"Nor I. But...it appears as if they're...trying to break down the gate?"

"It does indeed, but..."

The regal stallion shook his head as he looked down onto the amusing, confusing, and somewhat disturbing scene below him.

Two creatures, both of them bipedal and both of them heavily cloaked and armored, were both holding a branch, as if it were a battering ram, and were attempting to use it as such, shouting and repeatedly backing up and charging forward against the gates of the city.

Behind them and off to the side of the cobblestone road, two similar creatures looked very bored. One sat on a log, his hand on his forehead as he looked at the ground, while the other simply slept.

Soon, Twilight and Luna joined Celestia and Quick Quill, the Royal scientist, on the wall overlooking the gate.

"What is it, Princess?" Twilight asked.

Celestia, an amused look on her face, gestured down to the scene below them.

Immediately, both of the recently-arrived Alicorns leaned forward and squinted.

"Are they...trying to break down the gate?" Luna asked, a very curious tone in her voice.

"I beleive so." Celestia answered.

"What...are they?" Twilight asked, equally perplexed.

"We don't know," Quick Quill answered.

Again and again, the two aliens heaved their laughable siege device against the heavy doors, not making progress in the slightest, while the other two waited.

Finally, Twilight attempted to break the silence.

"Um. Hello?"

She was ignored.

"That's...not going to work!" she called down.

"Nonsense!" one of them suddenly answered, "I am the Supreme Ruler of the Universe!"

Celestia suppressed a laugh, while most of the guards openly chuckled.

"Yeah! And he's a Space Wizard!" the other added.

In the back, the alien who had been sitting on a log audibly face-palmed.

"I'm sorry!" it called forth.

"There's nothing to apologize for, Snippy, we're going to win!"

The one called "Snippy" finally shook its head and walked forward.

It cautiously approached the wall and said in a hushed tone.

"Uh, Captain? That's really not going to work."

"Bah. Says the one who can't stand bells on his sled."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing! You're just silly!"

The alien immediately slumped in a "are-you-kidding-me" way and looked up. It looked back at the attackers.

This was going to be a long day.

"I'm a BIG fan!"

"Pilot!" Zee Captain suddenly said, releasing his half of the branch as he did so.

Amazingly, Pilot actually acted as if the stick that they were carrying was a full-fledged battering ram and feigned being pulled down by the "sudden increase in weight."

The plane-loving psycho then stood up straight and saluted smartly, answering, "What is it, Captain?"

"Mr. Snippy and the Purple Pony were right; we were being silly."

"We were?"

Pilot looked unsure.

"Yes. We had no need to try and use this massive battling ram to smash down the gates of this ripe-for-plunder city, all I ever needed...was my mug."

Pilot nodded and produced the Captain's trademark ceramic cup from his coat and handed it over.

Zee Captain looked up, rather menacingly, toward the curious ponies above him and brandished his drinking utensil in a threatening gesture.

"You will open the gates to this city and give me all of your virgins or, so help me, this mug will be the death of you! I swear it!"

I sat off to the other side of the road after giving up trying to convince the Captain that using the still-green twig as a battering ram wasn't going to work. This was about an hour ago.

My interested piqued at the Captain's threat of using the mug.

That evil cup had actually functioned as an effective weapon for the Captain on more than one occasion.

The ponies above, however, only chuckled.

"They laugh? Well then."

I got up and stood next to the Captain, while Pilot begrudgingly moved out of the way and sat cross-legged on the grass near us.

"Uh, Captain? Are you sure you want to do that?"

His only response was the hurl the cup's contents onto the gate.

Don't ask me how it was filled after begin in Pilot's jacket the entire day; I ask myself how that mug is always filled at least three times a day.

As the dark liquid dripped down the doors and the Captain stood, waiting patiently, I gave an amused snort and placed my hand on the Captain's shoulder.

I was about to apologize mockingly for his unbecoming failure when I was interrupted by the sound of flames igniting.

To my surprise, when I looked back at the gates to the city, I saw flames.

Wherever the liquid had touched, hot flames now licked away at the solid wooden gates.

"Captain, what was in that cup?"

"You may want to dig in your heels."

"What? Why? Oh shit, not aga-"

And I was suddenly several feel away while the Captain stood, completely unaffected by any and all force and shrapnel.

And his cup was still full. Or he was just drinking nothing out of it. Whatever.

"Huh? Wha-?" The un-predicted explosion had awoken the scientist, who, as soon as he saw the flames, turned away began to cower in a fetal position.

I shook my head and stood up.

Obviously, the ponies had been just as surprised as I was, but they managed got a few guards down to the courtyard.

Pilot emerged from the bushes and brandished his katana at the armed aliens.

Those two were actually going to pick a fight with these small horse-things.

I stood up and ran to the Captain's side. After grabbing for my rifle, which should have been strapped to my bag, and discovering its absence, I turned to the Captain.

"Where the hell is my rifle??"

Instead of answering, with a flash of metal, Zee Captain produced a small, beat-up trowl.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me."

"Charge!"

Holding his mug out in front of him, the insane bastard charged forward, Pilot close behind him. I groaned and followed.

This entire time, another, unseen alien waited, far down the hill, off the side of the path, and in the trees. From his broken gas mask seeped forth a never-ending trail of pink, heart-shaped blots of smoke.

He watched with his binoculars, but dropped in and gasped as soon as he saw his victim and his friends run into battle.

The fuzzy boots would have to wait for now, Zee Captain was in danger!

I grit my teeth and brought the pathetic trowel down into a clang with the head of a guard's spear. After a shoving match, I finally managed to twirl the spear out of his grasp and knock him out with a boot to the head.

I looked up to meet my next challenger but met nothing. Surprised, I turned around.

The Captain stood triumphantly, surrounded by a ring of white-colored guards all of which were on the floor, grasping their steaming faces and groaning in pain.

"Now don't make me bring out the cake..."

Stalky the Stalker stopped himself just in time and jumped into the bushes before he could be seen. How silly was he to think that the Captain couldn't handle himself? Pah.

"I hereby claim this city as the new capital of "Captania!"

"Oh boy."

"And who are you to do this?" The tallest horse of them all spoke, still standing on the battlements above the shattered door.

"I thought I already told you? I'm the Supreme Ruler of the Universe!"

"No he's not!" I called.

"Shut up."

"No."

"I will mug you."

I shut up.

The remaining ponies spoke amongst themselves for a while in hushed tones while Alexander crept into the coutyard.

"What'd I miss?"

"Oh, only my utter domination of The City of Canterlot!"

The ponies froze. Slowly, the second-to-tallest turned away from the group and looked at the Captain.

"You...you know this place?"

"Why yes!"

"Then...then you know who we all are?"

"Of course! You're Princess Luna, you're Princess Celestia, you're Princess Twilight, these are your royal guards whom I just dominated on every conceivable level, and I don't know where your scientist pony went, but his name is Quick Quill.

They all gaped.

"I'm a big fan!"

A few moments of silence passed before "Princess Luna" spoke again.

"But...if you're such a...'Big Fan...' then why are you attacking us?"

The Captain's hand immediately flew to his chin where he stroked an imaginary beard.

"You know...I don't know! I am Zee Captain; pleased to meet your acquaintance!"

"Mein Rainbow Dash!"/What Happens When You Put Two Anti-Physics Psychos in One Room?

The Rainbow-maned one called "Rainbow Dash" groaned as her back was almost snapped in two by an absolute constricting hug dealt out by Zee Captein.

"Huh? What? Please...let go of me..."

"Alright, fine, but you are still best pony. Always."

"Uh...okay?"

As the strange alien skipped away happily, the Six Elements of Harmony watching him strangely, Rainbow Dash leaned in towards Pinkie Pie.

"How did he know my name?"

"I dunno, but I like him!"

Further away, in the shade of a wall near the edge of the garden walls, Charles Snippy and Princess Celestia conversed.

"So is he...dangerous?"

"Yes...no...kind of..."

"Mr. Snippy, you are the first group of known aliens to ever set foot on Equis, and half of your group decided to try and invade Equestria, so I hope you'll understand when I say that's not enough."

"Alright, alright. Well, he is if he wants to. That mug of his? It's sentient and can ion lasers. He has also hacked into an alien machine and rigged it for himself with it."

Celestia raised an eyebrow, "What? How?"

"I really don't know. I should also mention that that cup, a damaged straw, and a very specific ladybug are all collaborating to kill him."

"..."

"It's true."

"Anything else?"

"Well he started World War III, either on purpose or not I'm not sure, he is the very definition of Deus Ex Machina, can survive almost anything, is the single most Radioactive thing I have ever come across, the luckiest living thing ever to plague this plain of existence, rigged a flying train, and he is an intellectual genius."

"This...is quite a bit to process."

"You get used to the feeling."

"Come to think of it, he reminds me of someone."

"Who could he possibly remind you of?"

Celestia gestured out to the grassy area in front of them, where Rainbow Dash was racing-and beating-the Captain-and-pilot plane while Pinkie Pie watched, and the rest of the Elements spoke with themselves in the shade of Discord's statue.

"See the pink one?"

"That watching him play? Yeah."

"She is known as 'Pinkie Pie,' and she has a similar list of feats and personality."

"Do tell."

"Well, according to Rainbow Dash she cannot be escaped, she seems to know quite a bit about everything, has some innate ability to sense vague future happenings, and other things that cannot be explained."

Snippy thought.

"Do you think they'll hit it off?"

"Well...yes, I suppose they will. Have they really met each other yet?"

"No, they haven't."

Celestia smirked.

"Would you like to conduct an experiment?"

"Why hasn't anything happened yet?"

"I don't know; I'm surprised."

Six hours ago, Zee Captein and Pinkie Pie had been put in a room together and, shockingly...nothing happened. Seriously.

No explosions, inter-planetary life-forms, zombies, rifts in space and/or time, or anything. Not a peep.

"I'm actually getting worried," Twilight stated, "What if they hurt each other?"

"Nah," Snippy replied, "The Captain doesn't really get hurt."

"Come to think of it, neither does Pinkie," Twilight said to herself.

"But what's happening?"

Twilight and Snippy had been outside for the entire time, reading monitors and listening, waiting to see what would happen.

Alexander looked bored in the corner. Twilight, who, at the beginning, had been ecstatic, was now just as bored as everyone. Then she perked up. She turned around with an unsettling smile on her face and faced Dr. Gromov.

"I talked to you yet, and Celestia tells me you're a scientist!"

"Uh...yes?"

"Ooh, in what?"

"I have many degrees, mos of them pertaining to computers and similar technologies."

"Ooh, ooh, tell me, what's a computer?"

Eventually, Snippy tuned the two of them out; traveling with two psychos who never did shut up had its advantages

After a while longer,  with the two scientists yammering and nothing happening in the room, Snippy had had it.

"Alright, that's it; I'm checking."

"No, wait!" Twilight and Alex called out after him in unison, but it was too late; Snippy swung open the door. And froze.

The Captain was there, Pinkie Pie was there, and they were both fine, but...a man in a skin-tight, red suit adorned with weapons was there, a pudgy man in a gas mask and what seemed to be a flame thrower was there, and a very-frightened looking teenager in a fedora and glasses was there...and they were all having a tea party.

"Wh...wh-wh-wha?"

The one in the red suit cleared his throat and said, "Uh, excuse me, do you mind?"

The pudgy man said something that sounded like an agreement but was muffled by his gas mask.

The kid in a fedora called out in a shaky voice, "Uh, I-I'm just the author of this s-story..."

Suddenly, a rift similar to the one that had drug Snippy and his crew to Equestria in the first place briefly appeared and spat out another man.

He hurriedly stood up and Snippy leaned back, intimidated by his size.

"What? What is going on? Where is my sandvich? Engineer! What have you done?"

The portal appeared again and sucked the fedora-toting member of the tea party back to where ever he came from.

Snippy slowly shut the door, and faced a concerned Twilight.

"..."

"They're fine."

"No Time-Lord For You!"

"Oh thank the dear, kind, almighty, merciful, omnipotent and considerate Lord God above they're gone."

Fortunately for Equestria, and unfortunately for the readers of this fiction, the tea party was forcefully ended with an intervention by Princess Celestia who, quite frankly, was wise enough to expel whoever it was aside from Zee Captain and Pinkie back to their own worlds.

I'm fine, thank you.

But two more visitors were brought back. They were actually the same person...kind of.

One wore a fedora and a long scarf, had a sharp nose and poofy hair. The other wore a trench coat with a stylish blue suit underneath, and converse. His hair was also awesome.

Who do you think?

I'm aware I've tampered with the Fourth Wall quite a bit thus far, but just one more thing: if my awesome readers such as you would like, I'll create a sequel and/or side fiction of this one here about Pinkie Pie, Zee Captain, Deadpool, Pyro, and The Doctor all stuck in one wasteland dimension.

Oh, yeah, the two guys were the Doctor, by the way.

Anyway, continuing on, Snippy began to cry in misery (I'm surprised he's still sane, really) and Zee Captain complimented both of the newly-arrived Time-Lords on their stylish-ness.

Alexander finally risked a peak inside after hiding this entire time and fainted.

But then... something completely, totally, absolutely, unexpected happened.

Pilot walking and and jumped, startled. Then he shook his head and shouted.

"Noooooo!"

Everyone in the room turned to look at the psycho as he charged forward and shoved both Doctors into the rift. They vanished in a wave of blue light, and the rift finally closed.

"Pilot! What are you doing? I was going to murder those men for their clothes!"

Now, for the unexpected part.

Pilot whirled around and shouted, "No! No Time-Lord for you!"

Zee Captain was stunned. Pilot had disobeyed Captain.

"...what?"

He immediately fell to his knees and and began for redemption, his hands clasped together. The Captain agreed, but only if Pilot ate a rusty fork, which the psycho gracefully produced from his coat.

Zee Captain stays true to his promises.

"Charles, I'm curious; why have you not shed your protective gear? Is it not hot in there?"

"Oh beleive me, Princess it is, but the Captain told us not too."

"I thought you said that he wasn't your boss?"

"Uh, well...yeah, he kind of actually is. You never know how dangerous he could be."

Once more, Charles Snippy and Princess Celestia conversed as they walked down a palace hallway. Princess Celestia had deemed him the most sane, and therefore most willing and, well, capable to give legitimate answers to her questions.

Meanwhile, Dr. Gromov was attempting to escape a dangerously-curious Twilight, Zee Captain was having tea with Luna and Pinkie, also discussing his "exquisite," fashion tastes with Rarity, and Pilot was chasing Applejack. It was only playful to Pilot; Applejack truly feared for her life. Rainbow Dash was laughing at the terrified farm-pony while Fluttershy looked genuinely concerned for her friend, watching from the shadows.

"I'm curious, Mister Snippy, are you enjoying your stay?'

Charles thought about it.

"Well, it's most definitely been interesting, and nothing's tried to kill us yet. Yeah."

"Do you plan on eventually going home?"

This took quite a bit more thought.

"I...I don't know..."

He didn't. Did he? This was not his world, nor that of his comrade's, but it was quite a bit more peaceful here. No zombies, aliens or...tri-breasted snakes...gah.

But then again, having two such destroyers of physics in the same world let alone vicinity was not the best of ideas.

Indeed it wasn't.

"Hooray!"

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