Two Rather Vulgar Ponies Move into Ponyville

by LightTechnology

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, Slice of Life, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 1184

Being a princess isn't easy, especially since two new ponies have moved into your old town and started to make a mess of things. Join Twilight as she tries to deal with two problematic ponies in her quest to become a better princess.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I’m having a blast here at Ponyville. Though I’m merely visiting, it’s as if I had never left at all. For the most part, everything’s stayed the same. The girls are still doing what they do best and that’s making the most out of everyday. I can honestly say that the adventures we go on together are still insane, but a lot of fun at the same time. I’m getting these feelings of nostalgia which kind of makes me tear up at the fact that I’ll have to leave them all again soon, but I understand that now that I’m a princess, I have duties to you and Canterlot. However, it's not all rainbows and sunshine. Remember earlier, when I said that everything’s stayed the same ‘for the most part’? Well there have been some recent developments here...

...mainly, two rather vulgar ponies moved into Ponyville.

A fic which makes no apologies.

A fic that adds nothing to this community.

A fic that very well shouldn't have ever existed.

WELL IT DOES! YOU'RE WELCOME!

Published 2013-08-18 06:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-18 06:00:03 UTC

Episode 1: I Swear that Stationary Tomato Cart Came Outta Nowhere!

Dear Princess Celestia,

I’m having a blast here at Ponyville. Though I’m merely visiting, it’s as if I had never left at all. For the most part, everything’s stayed the same. The girls are still doing what they do best and that’s making the most out of everyday. I can honestly say that the adventures we go on together are still insane, but a lot of fun at the same time. I’m getting these feelings of nostalgia which kind of makes me tear up at the fact that I’ll have to leave them all again soon, but I understand that now that I’m a princess, I have duties to Canterlot. However, it's not all rainbows and sunshine. Remember earlier, when I said that everything’s stayed the same ‘for the most part’? Well there have been some recent developments here...

CRASH!

Twilight stopped writing as she cringed at the loud commotion that was occuring outside of her house.

“OH MY SWEET CELESTIA, I AM SORRY MA’AM! DARK, I LOOK AWAY FOR TWO SECONDS-”

“YOU VERY WELL KNOW THAT WASN’T TWO SECONDS!”

“FUCK YOU! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”

“IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND THE PASSAGE OF TIME!”

“JUST APOLOGIZE TO THE LADY!”

“...” Twilight tried to ignore the voices as she finished her thought in the letter.

...mainly, two rather vulgar ponies moved into Ponyville.

A small yellow, black-maned pony looked down at the red splattered mess he suddenly created.

“imsrymm...” the pony muttered.

“Louder!” yelled a large white, lightly colored-maned pony.

“I’m srymm...” the yellow pony said again, but trailed off at the end.

“LOUDER!”

“I’M UGLY AND I’M PROUD!”

The owner of the tomato cart raised her hooves to catch the two’s attention. “Please, please. It’s quite alright. It was an accident, afterall,” she said calmly, but one could see that she was flustered with the whole situation.

“There, Stumpy. She said it’s all dandy, so let’s go.”

The white pony named Stumpy smacked his companion on the back of the head before addressing the tomato cart lady. “Ma’am, you must understand, my friend Dark Magic, here...with him, there are no accidents. He is insane and you better watch yourself before the inevitable moment he snaps and goes on a murderous rampage-”

“I’m gonna stop you there and say-” the yellow pony named Dark Magic started.

“That’s fine, because I was basically done with that sentence.”

Dark paused. “...I’m gonna stop you there and say that you’re the one who’s going to be the one who goes and murders everypony because I’m sure you’re mind’s gonna snap from hanging out with the likes of me for so long.”

Stumpy rolled his eyes. “Oh please, don’t give yourself so much credit.”

“But it’s true, right?” Dark retorted as he inched closer to Stumpy’s face with a rather sly smirk. “I know how much I get under your skin. Yeah, I bet you want to kill me so hard right now. And speaking of hard-”

Stumpy punched Dark in the face. “Fuck off.”

While the two ponies were bickering, Twilight managed to finish her letter and decided to check out what the heck was going on outside of her treehouse. “Uh, ma’am, is everything alright, here?”

The tomato cart owner went to Twilight almost immediately. “Princess Twilight! Please, you have to help me. I don’t know how to deal with this!”

Twilight calmly looked at the turned over tomato cart, then at the two arguing ponies, and then at the pleading owner. “Aw geez, do I have to...?”

“You must!” the owner insisted. “It is your duty as a princess!”

Twilight sighed as she reluctantly walked over to the two male ponies and tried to grab their attention. “Ahem...”

“I just don’t get it. You say you’re not gay, yet you’re constantly trying to flirt with me!”

“Excuse me, ‘flirt’? Honey, you ain’t good enough fo’ my flirting. What I’m doing is being creepy towards you.”

“Well stop that!”

“Hahahahaahahaa-no.”

Twilight tried to cough this time to get their attention.

“Just- I don’t...why do you put so much effort in pissing ponies off?!”

“Hatachachacha!” Dark wrapped his forelegs around his friend’s head while talking like a bad door-to-door salespony. “I’ll tell you, sonny. What you do is take a little bit of personality, and a little bit of improv and what you get is the perfect specimen you see before you!”

Stumpy looked to the side. “Don’t you mean, ‘specipony?”’

Dark suddenly became dejected. “Look, I...I don’t where the line to that crosses. Frankly I’m just doing that for the sake of doing that...”

Twilight coughed a bit more loudly.

Both Stumpy and Dark looked to the source of the coughing and noticed that their new princess stood before them.

“PRINCESS TWILIGHT!” they both yelled.

Dark suddenly spoke again. “That-That is our new princess, right? I-I wasn’t high when they said we had a new princess, right?”

“Honestly, I don’t know what you are.” Stumpy replied. “Though I fear the day you discover drugs.”

“Um, yes, hi,” Twilight started saying. “I don’t believe we’ve met before.”

“I wouldn’t imagine so,” Stumpy bowed. “Well, for starters, I am Stumpy Flank, and my associate here is Dark Magic.”

“How do you do, fair princess?” Dark Magic responded as he bowed to her as well.

“Oh, I’m doing quite well, thank you for asking,” despite Twilight’s initial thoughts, she was starting see the brighter side of the two ponies.

Twilight relaxed as she said, “Look, the owner of the tomato cart is willing to let byponies be byponies and-”

Dark suddenly bursted out laughing. “Pffffff-WHAT?! What did you just say!?”

Stumpy stared at Dark for awhile until he realized where he was going with that. “Oh my- PFFFFT. Dark, just stop right there,” though he tried to act serious, Stumpy was clearly trying to hold in his own laughter.

Twilight looked at the two confusedly. “I-I’m sorry, I don’t quite...”

“No, no. That’s a good thing. You don’t want to know,” Stumpy said to Twilight.

“Yeah, it’s alright, princess,” Dark said as well. “I think it’s a good thing that we’re letting ‘biponies’ be ‘biponies!”’

Stumpy couldn’t hold it in and started bursting out laughing. “Holy crap, you are terrible!”

Twilight continued to stare at the two, until she finally realized just what was so funny. She proceeded to facehoof. “Please...will you two just clear the premises? Your ruckus is starting to catch other ponies’ attention.”

Stumpy wiped a tear from his eye as he calmly approached Twilight and replied, “They wouldn’t happen to be ‘biponies’, would they?”

It was Dark who bursted out laughing this time as he high-hoofed Stumpy. “HAHAHAHAHA! BAM! And you say I’m terrible!”

Twilight shook her head and sighed. “Perhaps this is divine punishment for leaving my friends behind in Ponyville...” she thought to herself.

Author's Note

Just something that wants to be left from my brain and onto the internet for all to see. I would apologize for this, but the description says no apologizes.