Hide Yo' Wife, Hide Yo' Kids
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
“Oh, wow.” Twilight breathed in fascination, watching the steaming barge chug its way beneath the vertically lifted bridge. She’d never even seen a bridge that massive up close before. Brushing a lock of violet hair from between her eyes to see better in the morning sunlight, she vaguely reminisced about how much she wished she could show all of her friends the strange mechanical wonders of the human world.
“See?” Alice toted a small duffel bag behind her back, brushing her bright blonde mane away from her face as well. She, however, had a bit of sweat beading her brow from the constant running. Not that Jo’s friend Alice was bothering to exercise; she was simply so hyperactive that her body had begun resisting her. The (in comparison) much taller girl leaned against the metal railing next to the river, taking in a deep breath of cool air as her hair ruffled in the breeze. She smiled as the wind rippled across her face, the light mist from the water singing through the air.
“You done?”
Twilight tilted her head to the side to get a better look at Jo, the kindly young woman that had taken her in after she’d been lost in the human world. Wet, cold, confused, terrified; that was how Josephine Faux had discovered the poor shaking girl, hysterical and naked as she huddled in the shelter of the woman’s garage. In the month that Twilight had been adjusting to this new world, the brown-maned Jo had been her close friend and guide.
Twilight’s heart swelled a bit as she collected her thoughts, trying not to compare the humans to the ponies she knew. It hurt, being separated from her friends for so long; and even if Jo could be a bit edgy, Alice reminded her so much of Pinkie Pie that she sometimes wondered if she were an alternate universe clone, or something. Jo wasn’t even as tall as Alice, and Alice could still be considered ‘short’… and Twilight was shorter than both of them. She felt much smaller in contrast to the massive, booming city.
“Surprise!” Alice tossed the duffel bag at the shorter girl, and Jo fumbled to catch it huffily.
“No,” Jo said sternly as she glared at Alice. “no more surprises. We did what we came to do. We came, we saw, we conquered vegetarian pizza-“
“Without any pepperonis this time-“ Alice interrupted.
Jo ignored her as if she hadn’t spoken, “-and we blew a lot of money. A lot of my money, Alice.”
“Aw, come on,” Alice grumbled good-naturedly. “You’re just being a un-romanticized cheapy-Mc-Cheaper-son. Tell ‘er, Twi.”
Twilight giggled, a grin rising to her face. “If you insist. Jo, you’re being a ch-“
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Twilight nearly fell over the metal railing, so great was her surprise when the impossibly loud horn from another barge directly behind her blasted into the air. Alice was cackling so madly that there were tears streaming down her face, and she clutched at her stomach in bemusement. Twilight’s new hands clung to the railing with fervor, and her heart pounded so loudly in her chest that she felt like it would leap out of her ribcage. Her look of aghast horror of the mysterious noise only made Alice laugh even harder.
Even Jo looked a little caught off guard by the noise, but she recovered much more quickly than Twilight did. The once-unicorn even joined in on the giggling, the electric ecstasy of suddenly realizing that the danger had been imaginary tingling her skin.
“… Are you done now?” Jo asked coyly, hefting Alice’s bag over her shoulder. She briefly wondered what the bubbly girl had even packed it with.
“I suppose, Jo.” Twilight nodded slowly, gazing about at the city. New York had been such a surreal culture shock to her, and no amount of preparation via internet could have prepared her for all of the peculiarities that this ‘Brooklyn’ had to offer. Alice had insisted that Twilight avoid researching the city too much, to Jo’s dismay. The blonde girl insisted on keeping a majority of the joys of the human world a surprise, watching the unicorn’s reactions first hand.
Then again, ever since the incident Twilight had with the internet and some rather shady forms of ‘entertainment’, Jo had been excessively cautious about her web browsing allotments as well.
“Where are we going next?” Twilight asked eagerly as she marched beside Jo, watching as the glum woman trudged forward.
Too much damned energy, Jo thought with a small scowl as Alice bounded forward, skipping as she did so.
“Back to the car.” The brunette answered bluntly, leaving her question thoroughly unsatisfied.
After a few minutes of quiet walking (except for Alice, who was singing songs from Journey at the top of her lungs) Jo shrugged to move the duffel bag to her other shoulder.
“… Sorry, Twi. I don’t mean to be so…”
“Grumpy?” Twilight offered helpfully, but cringed when she saw the girl’s scowl deepen. After a little while, it softened a bit, but never really left.
“I just really don’t like big cities. I mean, they’re okay, so long as I can get in and out pretty quickly-“ she explained as she tossed Alice’s duffel bag carelessly into the trunk of the old Delorian, much to the blonde’s dismay. “-but it just drives me nuts being with you in Brooklyn, of all places.”
“I… I’m sorry.” Twilight hung her head, instinctively expecting her ears to flatten against her head. Of course, they wouldn’t. Human ears were so weird.
“No, no, honey-“ Alice patted her on the head soothingly, shooting a nasty look at her friend. “-it’s not your fault.” She said as she clambered into the passenger seat, rolling the windows down as Jo started the car. “Jo’s just a bi-“
“ALICE!”
“-g meanie pants, who doesn’t like going out very often.” She finished smugly. Jo grumbled something unintelligible while Twilight leaned forward from the back seat, watching the tall brick buildings around them soar past as they picked up speed in traffic.
“I’m just… I’m just a little worried, is all.” Jo finally explained, slapping Alice’s hand away from the radio dial. Not that Jo didn’t like music, it was just that her friend had tastes that didn’t quite suit her own.
Like polka so loud it would make your eardrums ache.
“About what?” Alice leaned her head a little out the window, thrilled by the rush of air. “Don’t be such a stick in the mud, Jo – everything’s gone fine already. Yeesh, you’re throwing a bigger fit over this than you did when I asked about Halloween.”
“Isn't that the ‘Santa Claus’ holiday?” Twilight asked eagerly, eyeing some of the many other vehicles that surrounded them as they came to a halt at a red light. Human culture could be so interesting, sometimes. It baffled her how so many of their holidays were similar – even their language had comparable roots.
“Think Nightmare Night,” Jo said, watching the light closely. “but with more candy. And I already told you my issues with that, Alice.”
“Oh, grumpy-frumpy-dumpy!” Alice frowned, the unfamiliar sensation tickling her lips enough to cause her to smile again. “You’re just being all misanthropic again.”
The light flashed green, and the Delorian darted forward with a rumble. Twilight jerked backwards from the sudden motion of the steel chariot, and she wrapped her hands around the seatbelt.
“People really aren’t all as bad as you make them out to be, Jo-fo.” Alice said assuredly, although Jo didn’t seem to be too pleased by her statement.
“… Did you just call me ‘Jo-fo’?” she inquired, unamused.
“Yes. Yes, I did.” Alice nodded with a straight face.
“… Quit.”
“If I do, then I have to call you ‘mo-fo’.”
“No. No. No Jo-fo or mo-fo. No.” Jo scowled, turning a corner sharply.
“Say that ten times fast!” Alice snorted, eyes flickering backwards to make sure that Twilight hadn’t toppled over again like the last time her friend took a corner too quickly. The cars were a lot harder to get used to without a normal pony body.
“Er… what exactly is ‘mo-fo’?” Twilight asked curiously, and much to the unicorn’s surprise, Alice had all but jammed her entire fist into her mouth in order to stifle the giggles.
She wasn’t doing a very good job.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
“I suppose that’s understandable, but you’d have to have a whole different subgroup for Batman himself,” Alice argued with Jo heatedly over their lunch, which consisted of plain twirling pasta and a thick sauce. Twilight found it delicious, thanks to the added spices and many odd herbs.
“And Deadpool would beat the stuffing out of Batman, nine times out of ten.” Jo deadpanned, dumping a heaping load of garlic powder upon her own dish. Alice’s button nose wrinkled in disgust, and she fanned the excess in the air away.
“Blech. If you wanna ruin your food, keep it on your plate.”
The trio had a nice, quiet little lunch in a nice, quiet little diner. A quiet little day with very little to do, just the way Jo liked it. The sun was out and shining, it was a bright and sunny day, and Alice hadn’t even talked Twilight into doing anything stupid or dangerous. Everything had been planned out, and everyone would go home without incident for a nice, quiet night.
In a perfect world, that is. Much to Jo’s future disappointment, this was not a perfect world.
“Hey, Twi!” Alice spluttered suddenly through a mouthful of pasta, splattering Jo with a couple of strings.
“… Oh, ew.” She grimaced, wiping her face. “... Dammit, Alice.”
The energetic blonde swallowed hard, swiveling in her chair slightly to look at Twilight. “OHMIGOSH! I almost forgot – my duffel bag!”
“Trunk.” Jo glared at her, scrubbing her cheeks with a finely woven napkin with the restaurant’s insignia on the corner. “Don’t let her talk you into lugging around her crap, Twilight.” She advised defensively, and Alice looked hurt.
“Whaaa-? Jo, that’s so mean. I would never-!”
“You made me carry your crap.”
“But that was-!”
“Four times.”
“But I-!”
“Today.”
Alice slammed her palm against the table, the silverware clinking as she did so. Twilight jumped a little, and they garnered the momentary attention of a couple of bored patrons. Alice, however, seemed not to notice.
“I mean, I almost forgot!” she grumbled, crossing her arms across her chest. Twilight briefly felt a pang of jealousy that the blonde had such a finely sculpted body; Twilight, on the other hand, still had difficulty running on her own. She quietly wondered if Jo ever felt the same. After all, the most she’d seen Jo doing anything close to exercising was chasing after one of her attention-needy cats that had used a book as a chew toy.
“About…?” Jo twirled her fork through the air expectantly.
Alice facepalmed, and said “Twi, I meant to give it to you earlier…”
“Then why didn’t you just give it to her?” Jo cocked an eyebrow, finishing her own pasta and looking dejectedly at the bill.
“That’s what she said.”
“I swear to god, Alice, I will shank you with a spoon.”
Twilight watched their exchange, glancing back and forth worriedly. She was almost positive that Jo meant no harm, really… the human woman seemed to have an awfully warped sense of humor, compared to normal ponies, sometimes. Apparently, Alice was completely unfazed.
“It’s… well, it’s a surprise.” Alice smirked, reaching casually into her pocket. “See for yourself, sugar-bum.”
… Sugar bum…?
Alice grinned as she stood, pulling out a small orange wallet.
“Aw, you’re paying for something for once?” Jo said. “Well, isn’t that a nice change of pace.”
For a moment, Twilight could have sworn she saw a nearly imperceptible shift in Alice’s features, but just like that, she was back to normal. Even more eager to pay for lunch than before, actually.
“Don’t you worry about a thing!” Alice nearly cheered, pumping one arm into the air comically. “I’m going to... take care of the bill.”
Twilight shook her head in anticipation of what Alice was evidently planning, but decided against speaking up. She grinned as she slipped out the door, making for the old vehicle. Or, ‘Jah-lope-eeh’, as Jo had named it.
The friendly ding! of the trunk popping open at the request of a button shook her out of her reverie, and she grabbed the worn duffel bag by the strap. It really was a bit heavy, and she had to use both hands to lift it.
If she hadn’t done so, she might not have seen the woman running past her and into an adjacent alley.
Twilight blinked, dropping the bag in surprise. She’d barely caught sight of the running woman, who was sprinting with such haste that she’d lost one of her tennis shoes. Her head covered with a hooded sweatshirt as she hunched, she quickly vanished out of sight.
“Um… e-excuse me?” Twilight called out, picking the foreign object up between two fingers. Peering down the alley, she could see the woman scrabbling on top of a dumpster to clamber over a chain link fence.
“Um, ma’am?”
The woman froze in terror, and quickly careened over the edge.
“I-I’m sorry!” Twilight offering the woman her shoe. Perhaps taking someone’s shoe was a sign of hostility here that Jo had forgotten to mention? “I-I’ll give it back, I- it’s right here, you don’t have to run away!”
However, the woman merely sprinted further and further away, the red-hooded figure darting down yet another alley. In confusion and concern, Twilight stared down at the shoe as if she could determine if the object had somehow scared the strange woman away. Was it her fault…?
“Here, over here!”
The screech of tires as a dirty black van halted directly in front of the alley alerted Twilight, and she jumped.
It took a span of maybe four seconds for the vehicle to come to a complete halt, the side door to crank open, and the long, cold barrel of a small piece of metal to find itself pointing directly toward her face.
“Get in.”
Author's Note
Yeah, Merlos.
I'm really doing this.
Because I want to.
