Two Background Humans Eating Cookies

by Piccolo Sky

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Random
Length: 4497

Just two background humans eating cookies...or is it? The third installment in the "Two Background Ponies" series, this time seeing how their human counterparts react to their own illogical world. Not for kids.

Just a story about two background humans eating cookies...or is it?

After watching "Equestria Girls", I found a ton of material to use for a "third installment" in the "Two Background Ponies" saga. So much I almost couldn't fit it in. Naturally, if you haven't read "Two Background Ponies Eating Cookies" or "Two Background Ponies At A Donut Shop", the whole concept would probably be a mystery to you, so read those first. Again, I'd ideally like to see this on stage...but this one would require another big cast. Less props, though, considering its humans this time.

The image used is public domain.

Published 2013-08-19 00:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-19 00:20:02 UTC

Two Background Humans Eating Cookies

"TWO BACKGROUND HUMANS EATING COOKIES"

Shortly after the mysterious individual known as Twilight Sparkle returned to her home world, the Fall Formal went back into full swing. Even without the "Princess" present, everyone was soon having a wonderful time. The celebration continued to go in full force, the music blasted, and the student body only had more and more fun...since, for the first time in a while, everyone was enjoying the company of everyone else and not just their own "cliques". It was generally regarded as the best Fall Formal of all time.

However, it seemed not everyone was enjoying themselves.

Toward the refreshments, one of the tables remained occupied while everyone else was on the floor for the latest dance number. A green-skinned human with a book of find-the-difference pictures in his back pocket seemed to have a nearly catatonic look on his face as he stared out at the dance floor, his mouth slightly ajar. He was oblivious to the music and rejoicing. In fact, when someone smacked a loose balloon his way, he merely let it strike his face and fall to the ground.

After a while, a blue-skinned human carrying a plate of cookies and two bottles of "apple soda" moved up to him and sat down nearby, first putting the cookies in front of the green one.

"Hey, Carl."

The green-skinned human didn't change. He almost didn't seem to notice anything that happened. As for the blue-skinned one, he brought his shirt out and used it to cover the ends of the bottles, grunted a bit, and then twisted off the caps one after another. He set one in front of Carl and another in front of himself.

"You should get up and dance. You've been sitting here all night. Margeret looked like she was winking at you."

Carl only continued to stare silently.

The blue-skinned young man sighed as he took up a cookie. "Hey, try some of those. For once, it's not the Chips Ahoy and Oreo crap. It's actually home-baked. Those oatmeal raisin cookies are still warm."

Carl finally blinked once. "...I think I've kind of lost my appetite, Sam."

The blue-skinned human, Sam, gave a shrug and began to eat his. "Suit yourself." He answered around a mouthful of cookie. "But you're missing out on a great Fall Formal. Best one in four years."

Carl's jaw slowly pulled up as Sam took a few bites from his cookie. He blinked two more times as Sam kept eating. Finally, he moistened his lips.

"...Sam?"

Sam finished chewing his current bite and swallowed. "Yeah, Carl?"

"Do you...or anyone else, for that matter...feel somewhat not like celebrating?" He asked, a hint of cynicism on his voice. "Like perhaps we should all just, I don't know, go home for a bit?"

Sam had taken another bite, and now looked confused as he chewed it. After a moment, he shook his head as he swallowed. "No..." He said hesitantly. "Should I?"

"...You don't feel the least bit not like being at this dance right now?"

Sam paused again, not taking another bite. "...No. Why would I?"

Carl slowly leaned back and inhaled deeply, looking around a bit tiredly and raising his hands in a shrug.

"Oh, I don't know, Sam...maybe, oh...just maybe...and this might be me being a tad bit 'old fashioned'..."

He slammed his hands down on the table so hard that he nearly knocked over the drinks and glared at Sam, who dropped his cookie in shock.

"...That when the most popular girl in school turns into a ten foot tall...twelve-foot-including-the-wing-height...flaming demon, transforms her little toadies into demons too, rips out the front of the building with a wave of her hand, brainwashes me along with everyone else to conquer another dimension populated by ponies, and ends up getting stopped by six werehorses using a rainbow tornado that leaves a crater as big as a swimming pool in the front schoolyard...well, I might feel just a little bit not like celebrating." He nearly snapped. "Sam...what the Hell was all of that?! Why hasn't anyone called the cops? The army? The f***ing Vatican?!"

Sam leaned back in surprise at the sudden outburst, putting his hands up defensively. "Dude, mellow out!"

"Mellow out?! Sam, nothing like that ever happened before! How is everyone just 'fine' with it?!"

The blue-skinned young man could only shrug. "Well...we're all ok, aren't we?"

Carl glared at him a bit longer, then narrowed his gaze.

"...You mean aside from the fact that I'll be seeing a flaming demon's face in my nightmares every night for the next ten to fifteen years of my life? And now I'll never be able to look at any of my classmates without wondering if they're extra-dimensional creatures come here to take over our planet?" He slumped back into his chair and looked away, snatching up the apple soda and swigging it like a beer. "...Yeah, Sam. Aside from that, I'm just peachy keen."

Sam leaned back as well. "Dude, really...it's not as bad as all that."

Carl didn't answer. He looked forward a bit longer at the dance floor, and just shook his head after a moment. "...Maybe I wouldn't be as on edge if it hadn't been another one of those speeches capping everything."

Sam had just been about ready to go for his cookie again, when he paused and looked to Carl. "Huh?"

"Come on, Sam. You know what I'm talking about... Remember when Canterlot won the state title last year? Remember when they accepted the award and the principal came out?"

His friend paused, and then nodded. "Oh yeah. Something like... 'Today this team has shown the true meaning of teamwork. They've demonstrated the values of hard work and sacrifice, and have put in the time and effort both as individuals and as a group, mastering their ability to work together to achieve this great victory...' Something like that."

"Right. And it kind of fit there. Then came when the drama club won the state Thespian festival and she gave another one..."

"Yeah...that was something like: 'The art of performing on stage before others requires just as much commitment, time, and energy as any other more athletic pursuit, and this group of brave young students displayed both the courage to come before an audience as well as the drive and determination to work again and again on their performance until it met the standards of excellence...'"

"And that was fine too. But then came the chess club..."

Sam scratched his head. "I missed that one..."

Carl frowned and began to mimic her. "'It takes a sharp and decisive mind who understands the values of each individual person, realizing that no one is too small and that no sacrifice is in vain, to be able to excel at the ancient game of chess. Today you have exemplified those noble qualities in proving yourself to be worthy of the title: 'third place in the region'.'"

Sam blinked. "That is a little...odd."

"What about when they planted that new tree on the grounds? 'With each new life placed into the soft soil of the Earth, there is the potential for growth and abundance that we may never see with our own eyes, but one day future generations will enjoy as the fruits of our hard work and sacrifice...'"

"Well...that was actually a nice sentiment."

Carl glared at him.

"...She said that speech to the four union landscaping workers doing it for the city, Sam. And only one of them was actually planting the tree." He groaned. "The other day, she walks by when I bent over to pick up a gum wrapper. She insisted on stopping me, making me late for my third period, calling a bunch of other students around, looking down on me with this look full of pride, and saying: 'Incarlsistency...you have embodied all of the virtues of a caring and concerned student this day. You have shown that even the smallest tasks that seem so unimportant to others deserve our attendance and concern. You have made life easier both for your fellow students and for our faithful custodians who work tirelessly and thanklessly to provide us with a clean facility. Never will any of us ever forget your act of consideration and compassion.'"

He went silent after that and stared at Sam.

"...What the crap was all that, Sam?"

The young man ran a hand through his hair. "Well...alright, so she laid it on a bit thick. But wasn't it a nice sentiment?"

Carl only frowned more. "It'd be nicer if the principal would stop making speeches and just do something. We've been out of toilet paper and hand soap for three weeks and every time someone goes in to tell her about it she's filing something and just gives you some dark, distracted look, assuming she looks at you at all..." He sighed. "...You know that stupid little bitch who wears that little rhinestone tiara?"

"I thought those were diamonds?"

"...Dude, if she could afford to wear a diamond tiara around everywhere, do you think she'd be in a public school? Anyway...every day she just goes around running into the new students or smacking stuff out of their hands and then going off snickering. Aside from the fact that she's doing this to students at least three years older than her and should have had her head dunked in the toilet a while ago...she's been reported to the principal at least five times a week. I don't think she's ever checked the 'report box' once."

He paused.

"...And would it kill her to do something about that cowlick she and the Vice-Principal have? I can't stop staring at it during every assembly..."

Sam sighed and shrugged. "I don't know, Carl...maybe it just pops up on its own. Some people have hair like that."

"...Some people grow out all of their hair real long except for just enough strands to result in tufts that look like a crown?"

"We're guys, Carl. I think we gave up trying to understand women and their hair a long time ago."

Carl frowned, but didn't argue that point. He slumped back into his seat and sighed. Sam looked back to the cookies. He held a moment, wondering if he could try to finish the first. However, just as he moved to reach out for it, Carl spoke up again.

"...You'd think we could get better staff, public school or not."

Sam sighed and dropped his hand again, then looked back to Carl. "What's wrong with the staff?"

"Well, aside from being about as helpful as bricks, they don't really seem to have been the 'top of their class' when it comes to intelligence, Sam. The Vice-Principal nearly banned that nerdy kid from the Fall Formal competition because of a bunch of doctored photos."

Sam frowned a bit. "...Twilight Sparkle."

Carl looked to him. "Huh?"

"Twilight Sparkle, Carl. Her name was Twilight Sparkle."

Carl gave a sigh and a shrug. "You know how bad I am with names, Sam."

"Dude...literally the entire school was singing a song called 'Helping Twilight Win the Crown' yesterday."

"...Yeah, I walked out on that after the intro because I first thought they were going to break out into 'We Will Rock You' by Queen, but then when they whipped out the horse ears and tails I figured it was just some weird flash mob thing."

Sam didn't change. "The day before that, ol' Superbitch posted that 'political ad' against her online and sent it to every phone in school..."

A sigh. "Sam, you know I don't have videos on my plan. That's too expensive."

"...Forget it. Anyway, it's not like she'd have been the first person ever to be fooled by doctored photos, Carl."

The green human's gaze narrowed again as he gave Sam a long look.

"...Photoshopped I'd understand, Sam. Airbrushed or graphically enhanced, yeah. But she had just cut out pictures of her and glued them to pictures of the wrecked dance hall. For the love of God, Sam! How stupid can you be? And it never raised one eyebrow that Superbitch had pictures of it before anyone even knew the place had been wrecked or that she would have just taken pictures instead of shouting for her to stop or calling for help to stop her? And when they all got proved to be fake, she didn't even call Superbitch into her office for trying to frame a student!"

Sam shrugged innocently. "Well, she couldn't prove she was the one who framed her, right?"

Carl groaned and rolled his eyes. "Sam...last semester, she called DCFS on a student because she was concerned he was practicing self-mutiliation."

"Yeah? So?"

Carl facepalmed, and then held his hand in front of Sam to do the old "removing thumb" trick.

"He was doing this!"

Sam put up his hands. "Carl...quiet down, will you? You're making a scene with all this yelling."

The green-skinned human calmed down a bit and leaned in. As for Carl, he quickly went for the cookie, snatched it up, and tried to sneak a bite...but never got the chance.

"Maybe it's not her. Maybe, I dunno, the paint fumes in this school have got us all a bit loopy..." He interrupted. "You remember that text 'you' sent me back in freshman year, right?"

Sam rolled his eyes and put his cookie down again, then exhaled a bit. "...Yeah, I remember that, Carl." He slowly admitted.

His friend gave him a look as he reached for his phone and pulled it out. "And you remember the text 'I' sent you, right? And how you got into an argument with me?"

He shrugged. "Well...you said you were going to help me study for that English test, and then that text said you were bailing on me to go have a pizza."

"...And you didn't immediately know it wasn't me." Carl flatly answered.

"How was I supposed to know?"

"Probably the same way I knew 'your' text wasn't yours, Sam." He brought the phone in front of him and scanned along it for a bit, and then brought up the message. He began to recite it. "'Carl, I know that this text is from a different phone number than mine and has the name and face of Sunset Shimmer next to it, but trust me, it's Sam, and you need to come over on Saturday night instead of Friday night.'"

He lowered it and gave him a look.

"You got a text like that one and you honestly weren't the tiniest bit suspicious?"

Sam exhaled. "Alright, I admit, that was one of my brain fart moments. But at least now it makes sense why Superbitch always forgot to bring her own phone to school every single day and was constantly borrowing every incoming freshman's phone..."

"That should have been a warning flag too, Sam..." Carl sighed as he put the phone down next to him. "You know..." He mused as he looked back to the dance hall. "They really didn't have to bother with the musical number... If her campaign ad simply said: 'Remember, every vote not for Twilight is a vote for HER.', people would have turned out for her in droves. I mean...what was the point of that little cyberbully campaign ad she gave? Did she really think we'd vote for her simply because her opponent was a klutz? It's not like the Princess of the Fall Formal gets to make any decisions on the student council or anything, so intelligence really has nothing to do with it... Besides...this is Superbitch we're talking about. If she was any worse I'd vote for Saddam Hussein if he was her only opponent..."

The moment Carl trailed off, Sam seized the cookie and crammed the entire thing in his mouth, causing Carl to snap to him in surprise. Sam didn't waste time but quickly washed it down with the apple soda before he choked, and then gasped afterward.

"...You alright, Sam?"

"Fine."

"In that case..." He looked out to the front of school, and then back to Sam, before sticking a thumb out that way. "...What the Hell is up with that punishment? She turned into a demon, zombified all of us, and was going to make us her personal army to invade another dimension. Don't you think we should have been a bit, I don't know, 'harder' on her?"

Sam blinked, then shrugged. "Is any of that technically illegal?"

Pause. "...Alright, you got me there, but even then this punishment is weird. They just pass her a trowel and say 'rebuild the front of the school'?"

"The punishment fits the crime, doesn't it?"

"Dude...what the Hell does Superbitch know about masonry? Or carpentry? Or foundations? We're going to need new glass pane doors, levels, specially-ordered bricks... Not to mention with only one person working on it...ok, three counting those other two guys...it's not going to be done until next Spring, especially since winter is coming up and you can't pour concrete in that weather. At the bare minimum get a contractor to throw up some tarp and plywood or you're going to have water damage and utility costs through the roof..." He sighed. "Even if she somehow pulls it off, I'm sure the building inspector will order this place condemned after she does such a sh'tty job... Maybe they could, I don't know, just sue her for the money to pay for it to get repaired..." Pause. "Or expel her. I mean, let's be honest...silly as it may be, this high school seems to be the crux of existence for everyone in this country, enough to the point where someone who's the most popular student rules with an iron fist...so it'd probably be a pretty hard punishment..."

"Carl..." The blue human said tiredly as he began to push the plate over to his friend again. "These things were still warm when I brought them to you. You think you could have a few while they're still like that and...just...stop talking for a bit?"

Carl didn't seem to notice as he looked back down to his phone. "You know...that kind of bugs me..."

Sam rolled his eyes and slumped back in his chair. "A lot of things seem to bug you, Carl..."

"This text message is four years old. Why do I still have it?"

"We all still have them, Carl." Sam answered a bit more forcefully. "It's a child protection law, remember? You have to keep all texts on your phone until you're 18 so parents can look at them or, if you go missing, the police can have some clues."

The green-skinned human frowned as he leaned back. "That's just sheer stupidity, Sam. They're really going to get this strict about our phones in the name of safety of minors. Meanwhile, no one even looks twice at a girl who shows up in school out of the blue one day, doesn't attend a single class the entire time she's here, literally stays after closing-and-locking hours, sleeps in the library on a bed hastily made out of the softer leather-bound books and a drop cloth, and clearly acts like a paranoid schizophrenic who thinks she's a horse..."

"Carl, I think that's enough-"

"More than that!" Carl answered as he threw his arms up. "Let's make her the 'prom queen' or 'Princess of the Fall Formal' or whatever! I mean she's only been running into every dark corner of the school for three full days! I'm sure she's not setting pipe bombs or anything!"

"Carl..."

"Not to mention the fact that she ended up being a slightly anthropomorphic horse from another dimension...but let's not worry about that or get the least bit freaked out! In fact, let's just take it at face value when she says that!" He groaned. "Sam, do you realize anyone else anywhere else would think that was sheer insanity if someone walked up to them and claimed they were really an alicorn princess from a dimension that has a gateway at the base of the statue in the front of our high school and they've come here to get a magic crown back from Superbitch who's really a unicorn? And since everyone did just believe that...then why the Hell did she try to win this contest when she had such pitiful social skills and didn't know one person? Why didn't she just go up to the principal, tell her the whole story, get the crown from her, and then go back all within an hour? It's like she was purposely trying to take everything down to the wire!"

"Carl..."

"And Sam, everyone hangs out in the front of the school! Don't you think at least one other person would have put their hand on that podium and accidently gone through and gotten turned into a horse? And if you could just slip through it, why did Superbitch look like she would smash it with a sledgehammer? Wouldn't the hammer just go through the portal too? And why did she try to delay the Fall Formal to begin with if she planned to conquer that other world? Then she couldn't have gone back through either..."

"Carl..."

"...And why are those three little girls out there on the dance floor even in high school?! They're, like, eight years old!"

Abruptly, Sam seized his bottle of apple soda and, in a moment of frustration, threw it in Carl's face. Instantly, the green-skinned human stopped and just stared blankly in shock and surprise. He froze as the sugar-substance slowly rolled down his hair, nose, and chin. Sam stared at him for a moment, and then slowly exhaled and set the bottle back on the table.

"...Dude, I didn't want to have to do that, but you didn't give me a choice."

Carl blinked a few times, and then exhaled and relaxed.

"No...no, that's ok. I think I took it a bit too far this time..." He admitted in a much calmer voice. "I mean...this is high school, and we're teenagers. It's not like anything in our lives makes any sense right now..."

"Besides, dude..." Sam threw in. "Twilight deserved to be the Princess of the Fall Formal because she was the only one with enough sense to realize how stupid we were all acting. We let ourselves be 'divided and conquered' by a bunch of cheap cyberbully tricks and let Superbitch verbally abuse us all so much that no one even defended anyone else. If we had all just had enough character to not let her have her way and stood up to her, none of this would have ever happened. I don't care if you're a horse or a human...that makes you more of a real princess than some stupid prom queen any day of the week."

Carl paused and thought about that for a few moments. He reached for a tablecloth and began to wipe off his face with it. Once done, he exhaled.

"I think you're right, Sam. Maybe if more high schools made people who were great friends and looked out for others into their prom queens instead of whoever was the prettiest or most popular, high school would be a better place." He shrugged. "And, you know, so what if the principal doesn't always step in on everything. If we're really at that age where we think we 'deserve' more responsibility, then maybe we should learn for ourselves how to be courteous and respectful of others without someone 'cracking a whip' behind our backs."

Sam hesitated, but then grinned. "...You made a horse joke, Carl."

Carl realized that, then snickered. "Yeah, I guess I did."

He reached down and finally took up a cookie himself. He held it a moment, and then smiled.

"...This really was the best Fall Formal we've had in years."

Sam smiled back as he took up another one.

"Yeah...so what do you say we finish this plate of cookies up so we can head back out to the dance floor, eh?"

Carl grinned back as he brought a cookie to his mouth and took a bite...

...when the doors to the gym suddenly burst open so loudly and abruptly that everyone dropped what they were doing and turned to it in alarm...seeing three people standing there.

A dirty, grungy girl with long green hair and withered out holes on her forelimbs and legs grinned, exposing white, pointy teeth.

"This night is going to be perfect..." She said in a "modulating" voice with the sound of insect wings behind it. "...to steal someone's boyfriend!" She finished before her body suddenly transmuted into that of the president of the student council.

A "goth" boy wearing a great deal of metal accessories with red eyes and a messy "mane" of black hair let out a dark "chortling" laugh before he charged right for the refreshment booth.

"MY CRYSTAL...PUNCH BOWL!" He boomed before diving into it and smashing the entire table in the process.

Finally...a man with short dark hair wearing a red Starfleet uniform let out a booming laugh.

"Mon amis! Heeeeeee's back!"

Snapping his fingers, he turned into a mariachi band leader with the rest of the band flanking him, and immediately they broke into a song.

Carl and Sam both stared blankly, before looking down at their cookies...which had turned into Cuban cigars. Carl grimaced as he pulled his out of his mouth and threw it down.

"Damnit...who invited those three again?!"

END

Author's Note

Ok, let's get the rough stuff out of the way...

I remember that humanized Pinkie Pie made a comment about there possibly being a Twilight Sparkle already in that world, and, in fact, I considered either ending with the current ending or with the "real" humanized Twilight Sparkle coming in after being out of class from a tonsilectomy for three days. Yet I'm going to chalk up Pinkie's comment to her being goofy than telling it like it is, as not a single person in school knew who she was.

For those of you who don't get the joke at the end...you're obviously not a fan of "Star Trek: The Next Generation". Become one. :P

This is the first "Two Background Ponies" story in which I eased up on the names. I don't know if you noticed, but in the previous two stories, it was kind of an "unwritten rule" that Carl and Sam mentioned the names of characters from the show as little as possible, even when distinctly referring to them. In fact, that's why the two keep constantly referring to Sunset Shimmer as "Superbitch"...well, that and she IS a superbitch. :P But eventually I threw in both her name as well as frequent direct naming of Twilight Sparkle.

Finally, let's be frank. If I ended up being a superhero but my gimmick was to become 10 percent horse...I'd feel somewhat gipped. XP