Tom Hanks in Equestria

by Shuttersly

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 3426

Tom Hanks hangs out in Equestria.

Tom Hanks the movie star does a lot of crazy stuff in Equestria with his mother Twilight Sparkle and his aunt Pinkie Pie.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-13 21:54:15 UTC

Please don't read this unless you're high or drunk, because it won't do anything for you.

So a horse with Tom Hanks' face was doing cartwheels down the street, right. And Pinkie Pie comes up and she said "Sup dawg!!!" and Tom said "Hey!!!" then they moon walked down the road to Sugercube Corner and then Pinkie Pie said "Oh no! Rainbow dash is over there and shes not moving. We should go and see whats up." "Aight" said Tom smoking twelve cigarettes all at one time in 12 seconds.

To their astonishment, Rainbow Dash had had an aneurysm because she was trying to turn super saiyan and died. "Gosh, Rainbow sure does look tasty. What do you think Tom Hanks from the movie Big?"

"I want to bake her into somthing sweet." said the Tominator

"Thats a great idea Tom Hanks from Cast Away. What do you want to bake her into?"

"Cupcakes."

"FUCK CUPCAKES!!! Those things make me want to kill orphans. We'll make her into banana bread!"

So then Pinkie Pie and Tomzilla waked to Sugercube Corner and made Rainbow Dash flavored banana bread. And then this one dude named Twilight Sprinkle or some shit walked up and was all like "Is that Rainbow Dash banana bread. I fucking LOOOOOOVE that shit." Twilight Sparnkle was so happy she stuck her horn into Tom's leg, but he was totally cool with it. Then thay all went to the library and Twilight Srankle started making out with Pinkie Pie because she wanted to, and Tom Hanks from that one movie where those toys talk and move around and stuff started playing Assassins Creed. He was getting really pissed off (because that game will fuck you and it cheats) and then he saw a horse in the game and started humping the screen and put a hole through it.

Later on that day a random pony walked in the libaray and was all like "Hey, my name is Rob nice to meet y-" He couldn't finish the greeting because Tom Hanks stabbed him in the knee and raped him. After Tom Hanks from the movie Saving Private Ryan stopped raping him Rartity came over, shat down his throat, and took the fucking piece of whore's anus back to the Carousel Boutique where she raped him with Sweetie Belle's horn. He later died, but was brought back by Rartity's revival spell. She repeated that process for 1,000,000,000,000 years.

So Tom and Pinkie Pie and that bitch Twilight walked over to Sweet Apple Acres where Twilight used her magic to disintegrate all the trees and then force fed all the ash from the now disintegrated trees down Applejack's throat. Then Tom Hanks from The Green Mile punched Applejack in the face repeatedly until she died from getting punched in the face repeatedly. They raped the dead body and burned it.

Tom Hanks from You've Got Mail was getting bored, so he walked up to Berry Punch and preformed lazer eye surgery on her just for the fuck of it. He then did 5000 shots of whiskey, got really drunk and made out with Big Macintosh. He started giving Big Mac a blowjob and was surprised by how small his penis was. Tom was super pissed off because he contracted the herps, but he was much better after he spread them to Mr. Cake.

This had been a long day for Tom. He was all tuckered out, so he murdered Snips and Snails, because they are both pieces of shit, and he went to bed. Then he got woken up by Gilda. He drowned her in a bathtub.

Tom Hanks from The Money Pit walked down the street singing "Mother" by Danzig at the top of his lungs when he saw Carrot Top eating fine china on the roof of a house. This made Tom so confused that he started eating Carrot Top's legs. They were very good. Then out of nowhere Tom Hanks from the movie The Polar Express  had the urge to go to see a movie, so he went to the movie theater and saw The Vow. He started crying so hard that everypony just started masturbating. Tom was so confused by this that he started eating all their legs.

Twilight Spackle and Pinkie Pie where humpin' when Tom Hanks from Dragnet got back to the library looking very sad. Twilight had a glorious orgasm and then did backflips over to where Tom was and asked in a Brooklyn accent "What da fucks amatta wich you?"

"I ate too many legs today and now my tummy hurts." cried Tom Hanks from Philadelphia.

"I told you not to eat too many legs. You need to be more careful next time." said Twilight in a Morgan Freeman voice.

"Hey Twi."

"Yes?"

"Wanna do it?"

"Sure, we'll do it all night long till your penis falls off and explodes."

"Can I join in!?" Said Spitfire, Braeburn, Octavia, Pipsqueak,  Fleur de Lis, Zecora, Soarin, Little Strongheart, Angel, Tank, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, Gummy, and Pound Cake all in perfect unison.

"Sure!" said Twilight Spankle

They all had sex with Tom Hanks from The Da Vinci Code at the same time. They did it so hard that Tom puked half digested legs all over the place. Sweetie Belle was then forcibly shoved deep inside Tom's anal cavity. "OOOOOooooOOOOOOooOOoO!" said Tom. Tom then started listening to Ke$ha for no reason and yelling at the top of his lungs "I know how long your dick is Leonardo DiCaprio, so stop pooping in my shoes!".

"I'm going to eat a Swiffer duster." said Pinkie Pie and then she ate a Swiffer duster. She then took a knife and lodged it deep inside of her stomach, pulled out her overies, pulled out her eyeballs, and put her eyeballs where her overies were and her overies in her eye sockets. She then proceeded to dance around and scream "Im Keanu Reeves! Put me inside of you!"

After everypony left, twilight tucked Tom into bed and gave him a goodnight hug and kiss, peed on his face, and blew up.

THE END

Nickelback is One of the Worst Bands Ever

Early in the morning Tom Hanks from Forrest Gump woke up from a nice dream. He went outside and started to beat the shit out of a tree because he didn't like the way it was looking at him.

"Stop hitting that tree!" Scootaloo cried " That's where my mom and dad are buried!"

"AHHHHHHH! Screamed Tom. Tom then proceeded to shove his hoof down Scootaloo's throat. He then ripped out her heart and played poker with it. The heart won and this pissed off Tom Hanks from The Ladykillers so much he put the heart back into Scootaloo, ripped off her wings, sowed them onto his own back, and flew to Canterlot.

Tom Hanks arrived in Canterlot 5 years later. He was very tired so he walked down the street to find something to drink. He saw Fancy Pants and ripped off his horn. Tom proceed to drink the blood out of Fancy's horn hole. It was very refreshing. Tom then saw Fluttersly eating bunnies in a nearby meadow, he wanted to say hello but didn't. Instead, he bought  27,000,000,000 ants and forcibly inserted them into her ears. She thought this felt funny so she ripped out her hair and played jump rope with it until she fell over and melted. Tom ran to the Canterlot castle where Princess Celestia and Princess Luna lived. When he got there Princess Luna was yelling into Princess Celestia's vagina so she could scare away the evil spirits that resided inside.

"Tom, wass'up man!?" said Celestia as she cut off Luna's head to use as a sacrifice for the evil spirits.

"Oh, nothing you STUPID FUCKING WHORE! I was wondering if you could maybe bring Twilight Pickle and  Pinkie Pie back from the dead."

"Sure Tom Cruise from Risky Business,  I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms. To try to make you laugh, because somehow I can't put you in the past."

"What?"

"Nothing! Shut the fuck up!"

"Whatever." said Tom annoyed. "How will you bring them back?"

"With a very simple plan (ha!). I can do it by using a very basic spell. Stand back, I'm about to start the very basic spell that's part of my very simple plan!... ABRACADABRA!

With that Twilight Carpool III and Pinkie Pie appeared in front of them. Along side them was a mysterious colt that had a brown coat and mane, with blue eyes.

"Hi there, I'm Brown Sugar! Oh wow, This sure is a nice cas-" But he couldn't finish his statement because Tom jumped into his mouth, went down his intestinal tract, and emerged out of his anus covered in sprinkles. Tom then started to punch and kick the brown pony in the balls repeatedly.

"Please, I'm begging you, st-st-stop." plead the bloody colt on the ground.

"Pancakes can't read books! Pancakes don't even have eyes you fucking piece of fucking shit!"

Tom Hanks from the movie Apollo 13 then pulled out a rocket launcher from his pocket, shot Mr. Brown guy in the face, and lit him on fire. Tom suddenly whistled very loudly. Then ponies of all shapes, sizes, and colors shuffled into the room one by one. All of a sudden Steamlined, Pinepoint, Agile Ace, Octavio, Storm Breaker, Golden Doodle, Solemn Sky, Violet Spark, Ace Monte, Shadowburn, Peanut, Cadenza, Wirdal, Grenade Happy, Bubble Gum, Just Sly, White North, Midnight Eclipse, Cupcakes. and Sunburn all started to violently rape and beat Brown Sugar. He got so mad and tired of being raped and beaten that he grabbed a random pony out of the bunch. He then ripped off Wirdal's face and ate it. Brown Sugar then ran and jumped out of a window, fell down 1,000,000 stories, and died.

Since Brown Sugar was dead, Tom had no reason to keep all these ponies around, and he was feeling rather hungry. So Tom Hanks from the movie Joe Versus the Volcano ate all of their legs and they died. The evil spirits in Princess Celestia's vagina finished the rest of the dead ponies bodies. They were very tasty.

The whole time that that dude was getting raped, Twiglight and Pinkie Pie were eating shards of glass and playing sudoku. That's when Nicholas Cage showed up and shot himself in face. Princess Cellessteeyeah saw a spider on the wall in front of her and flipped out killing everything in sight. She then killed herself.

Lying on the ground in a pool of his own blood, Tom Hanks from the movie Turner and Hooch thought about his whole life. How he had so much fun playing with his sweet mother Twhylite. All the good times he spent with his auntie Pinkie Pie. They're dead now, and there is nothing he can do besides hope that they're happy. Tom knows he has to die so all this crazy stuff will end, and he's ok with it. He's lived a nice life and is ready to go on to what awaits him over the horizon.

*******************************

Tom Hanks wakes up in his bed covered in sweat and screaming at the top of his lungs.

"What's wrong?" asks his wife in a panic.

"Oh, nothing. I was just having a bad dream, I guess. Don't worry about it."

"Ok honey, goodnight. I love you."

"I love you too, goodnight." said Tom. Tom then kissed her gently on the forehead and went back to sleep so he could get ready for the busy day he had ahead of him. He pissed the bed.

THE END.

I Put Hours and Hours of Tireless Work Into This story... So Why Does it Suck so Hard?

After a very long and very tiring day at work Tom Hanks walks through the front door of his muti-million dollar house.

"Hey Tom!" screams his wife skipping out of the kitchen to see her husband.

"Yeah, Hi." Grunted Tom as he pushes his sweet, beautiful, loving, caring wife out of the way to get to the kitchen.

"What did you make for me to eat?" growls Tom as he swigs down a freshly opened beer.

"Oh. I haven't made anything. I'm actually pretty tired and was hoping you could just make yourself a sandwich or something."

"What!? A sandwich!? I don't work every day to let you live in my house just so you can sit on your lazy ass all  day so I can have a sandwich! I married someone so I would have a clean house and food on the table when I got home! So please answer this one simple question! Why the fuck do I not have a hot meal on the damn table?!"

"I'm sorry. I... I can make you some soup really quick if you want it."

Tom Hanks was getting madder and madder with each passing word. He had it it with her and was tired of making Toy Story movies. He just couldn't do it any more.

"Don't worry about it. I won't be here much longer anyway."

With those words, Tom broke off half of the now empty beer bottle on the counter beside him. He put the jagged edges of the broken bottle against the thin flesh of his neck and savored every single second of the sweet pain that signified his release from this dull and empty life.

+++++++++++++++++++++

So a horse with Tom Hanks' face was doing cartwheels down the street, right. Then Applejack walked up and was going to say something but before the words could leave her lips Rainbow Dash did a sonic rainboom right through Applejack's neck. This made Dash pretty mad.

"Dammit, that's the second time this week!" exclaimed My Little Dashie. "I still have Lyra's blood in my mane from last time." Dash turned around to see her latest victim, but when she saw who it was she killed, her heart stopped.

"Oh no! AppleJack, I'm so sorry. I'm so so so sorry!" She stared into AppleJack's cold, dead, lifeless eyes waiting for a response.

2 Hours Later

Tom was getting bored waiting to hear what Applejack was going to say, so he decided to go home to see his mother Twilight Skarkull. When Tom Hanks from that movie The Great Buck Howard arrived at the tree house, Twilight was sacrificing Spike to Celestia.

"Hey mommy!"

"Hi honey, how was school today?"

"I'm 56."

"Oh yeah. Well, did anything interesting happen today?" Said Twilight as she lodged a knife into Spike's forehead.

"Rainbow Dash accidentally killed Applejack."

Twilight was ecstatic. "Wonderful! We'll bake a cake!"

"I'm not hungry." said Tom looking worried and lost in thought. "Mommy, Where did I come from?"

"Twilight chuckled."I thought I told you that story already. Come here and sit on mamma's lap." Tom was twice her size so when he sat down he broke both of her legs.

"You see Tom Hanks from Toy Story 2 and 3, one night your aunt Pinkie Pie and I got super hammered and did lots and lots of cocaine. We got really hungry but it was two o'clock in the morning, so we went to Waffle House. We ate 500 pancakes, our waitress, and the jukebox. All of a sudden me and Pinkie looked into each others eyes and we both knew it was time for some romance... so she fucked me in the bathroom. The cocaine had worn off and we were very tired so we went back home, got in bed, fell asleep, and when we woke up the next morning we were both nine months pregnant. We were very happy, but we didn't want to have two kids, so we cut out half of one baby and half of the other equally and sowed the pieces togeather into one baby and that's how you came to be."

"That's nice." Said Tom as he walked out the door to go to Fluttershy's cottage. When he got there Fluttershy had Colgate, Berrypunch, Doctor Hooves, Derpy Hooves, Bon-Bon, Vinyl Scratch, Octavia, and 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 more different background ponies (Yeah, there's that many, fuck you!) over for a grill out. Tom didn't want to intrude, so he went to see what rarity was doing.

Tom walked up to the door of the Carousel Boutique, but before he could knock, the door flew open and he was greeted by what seemed to be a very annoyed Rarity. He was going to greet her but was again interrupted.

"Can you believe my luck?! When one of my friends actually decides to buy a dress... Have you heard the news?" Rarity forgot that the event just happened.

"No."

"Oh. A nuclear bomb fell on the barbecue at Fluttershy's cottage killing her and all of her guests. Well, she was going to buy the dress I just made her, but NO, that bitch had to go and die. She is so selfish! You would think that a nuclear bomb would kill you instantly, but I think that cunt suffered. Anyway, do you need anything dear?"

Tom was awoken from his daze by Sweetie Bell who had just walked in from the back room.

"I love marshmallows!" Shouted Tom gleefully. Tom then put Sweetie Bell into his mouth and crushed her skull between his teeth. The feeling of her small skull popping in his mouth turned Tom on. He threw Rarity onto the floor and raped her. After he was done he vomited the simidigested Sweetie Bell down Rarities throat and left to go see how Rainbow Dash was doing. Rarity was traumatized by the thought of how much she was going to have to clean up. She hates cleaning.

When he got back to Rainbow Dash she was still staring deep into Applejack's cold dead eyes, waiting for a response. One that she would never get. Rainbow and AppleJack were in love and they had been going out for quite some time now. Rainbow Dash had just moved in with AppleJack at Sweet Apple Acres, and she was the happiest she has ever been. They were deeply in love, so Rainbow Dash couldn't live knowing she had killed her lover. So she just sat there waiting and staring, waiting and staring, hoping her dear Applejack would get up

"lol." said Tom.

The End.

One Time I was in the Computer Lab at my School and I Peed my Pants (mini-chapter)

Halos. That's all he could see. Just small white halos. Getting bigger, brighter, more defined, then... crying. Who was crying, why, where? Where am... an itch, a very annoying itch. BEEP! What was that? Beep...Beep...Beep! That damn itch sucks! Wait a minute...no fucking way.

"Doctor! Doctor! I think he's waking up!"

Tom regains full consciousness instantly. Sees his wife and a doctor walking over from a hallway. He looks around the room. He's in a bright glowing white hospital room, balloons on one side of his hard uncomfortable bed and postcards in the windowsill on the other.

"Well, well, it seems he has. How are you feeling Mr. Han...".

Tom jumps out of the bed and picks up the doctor by his neck and hurls him out of the window.

"Love you, baby." He says to his wife. Tom jumps out the window.

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Tom is falling in slow motion. He sees visions of different things he has done in Ponyville. He feels a great deal of remorse for the things he has done to his fellow ponies and vows to never hurt another pony again. A bird then flies into Tom's head and Tom forgets his previous thought. He slams into the ground really fucking hard.

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Tom Hanks from the movie Batman Returns is so fucking thirsty, so he walks over to that bitch Tigglewiggle's  tree and I don't even know why Im still writing this. I don't have fun doing it and nobody really cares so what's the point. It's stupid anyway so whay did I start in the first place? I can't think of anything new to happen to Tom. Is this how it feels when a story dies? Well, it's been fun anyway. I started this thing thinking "OMG tis is da dumist ida 4 a bok lol" and I was also very bored. But then I got views and comments and they made me feel great. Now I have over one thousand views! To bad nobody is going to read this, lol. I'm going to cut to the chase. I'm done writing.