A Foal Named Caterpillar

by Knyfe

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Romance, Slice of Life
Length: 2797

When Queen Chrysalis returns to Equestria with a foal, things for Shining Armor spiral wildly out of control.

Love is weird.
Usually it hurts, but in this case, it pretty much stabs you thirty-seven times with a kitchen knife on your birthday and then makes you go swimming in the ocean where it's salty also you can't breathe. Yeah, it's that bad.
This probably isn't a very accurate summary of the story, but I didn't really know what else to write.
…
Okay, let's get serious.

Shining Armor and Cadence were the perfect couple. Who could argue? Of course, when Shining had what may be considered an affair with a pony that later tried to take over Equestria was a rough patch in their relationship, but if it's mean to be, it'll be.
But is it? Is it meant to be?
One pony sure doesn't think so, and she is prepared to go to some extreme measures in order to separate the newly married couple, one of which includes bringing up pasts that nopony cares to remember.
It was a lie that started this, and a lie is how it will end.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-21 01:32:00 UTC

Prologue: Return to Equestria

"What about your hive?"

"S...Someone else is in line for the throne. She will make a fine ruler."

"You will not be able to transform."

"I am aware of that, Your Majesty."

"And what of your diet?"

"I'm sure somepony will be able to spare--k-knowlingly, of course."

The alicorn narrowed her eyes, towering over the submissive changeling.

"Why are you really here?"

"Your Majesty.... I am carrying a foal."

Dear Princess Celestia,

It's great to have fun, but it's even greater to have great friends. And having lots of friends means that sometimes you have to make choices as to who you'll spend your time with. But that's okay, because good friends will always give you lots of opportunities to have fun, so even if you're missing out, it's never for long.

Respectfully yours,

Pinkie Pie

The stallion stood across from her, examining her with a professional eye.

"Are you sure you'll be up to the physical work becoming a member of the Guard requires?" asked Shining Armor, looking at the pony's plump body critically.

"Yes, sir, I am up to the challenge."

"Hmph. Well, you certainly seem to have the determination. What's your name?"

"My...My name?"

"Yes, your name."

"Um.... My name is, uh, Chry...Crystal, sir. Crystal Lily."

"Crystal Lily? All right, Chryssie, welcome to the team."

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned a great lesson about family. Which, if you think about it, is really the first group of friends you ever meet. Turns out, when you're with folks you care about, you don't have to do much to make that time memorable. Even the simplest of activities can take on a whole lot of meaning. And finally, you remember the who long after you've forgotten the what.

Your humble subject,

Applejack

"Well, Chryss, that's all I've got to show you. You got it all?"

"Yes, sir. Thank you for showing me around."

If Shining didn't know better, he might've thought there was the softest blush to the white pony's cheeks.

"No problem. I'll have you work outside the castle. There are some real experienced guys there who should answer any other questions you have."

"All right. Thanks again."

"I'll see you around!"

"A little while ago, my teacher and mentor Princess Celestia sent me to live in Ponyville. She sent me to study friendship, which is something I didn't really care much about. But now, on a day like today, I can honestly say I wouldn't be standing here if it weren't for the friendships I've made with all of you. Each one of you taught me something about friendship, and for that, I will always be grateful. Today, I consider myself the luckiest pony in Equestria. Thank you, friends. Thank you, everypony!"

P1: Chrystal Lily

"Come on, Cadence, don't be jealous. We're just friends."

"I know, I know, it's just that you've been spending so much time with this other mare--"

"She's quite good for a beginner, and we're actually considering promoting her, so I need to--"

"And on our vacation no less, I mean, we had an entire second honeymoon planned out, and--"

"Cadence," said Shining Armor, gripping his wife's head and cradling it in his hooves. "Cadence, nopony could ever replace you in my life. No one could even come close." He turned, offering a cocky smile, and added, "Besides, she has a coltfriend."

"Really?" The pink mare's face lifted into a smile. "How do you know?"

"Well, actually--she's expecting. Today is her last day on the job for a while."

"Oh! Oh, well, give her my congratulations, then."

"I will, sweetheart," said Shining, planting a kiss on her forehead. "I will."

"Hurry, won't you? I've...I've got something to show you!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming, just wait a minute."

Crystal Lily hurried through the castle hallways, the weight of her armor barely slowing her down. She almost had to waddle to accommodate the growing bulge of her belly.

"Here, this will do."

She ducked into an empty room with high, arching ceilings, and probably pretty good acoustics.

"Uh, Crystal? What was it you wanted me to see, exactly?"

"Close the door," she snapped. "You have to know something."

"What is it?" He snorted, not bothering to hide the impatience in his voice. "This had been not take much longer. Cadence and I have this reservation that I really need to get to, she's been upset because--oh my gosh...."

For in front of him stood Queen Chrysalis.

"Chry--Chrysalis! How...?" Shining shook his head, struggling to regain his bearings. "Why are you here? Does Celestia know? What's going on? What are you planning? Tell me!"

"Relax." The queen was more amused than worried at Shining's reaction: What else was she supposed to expect? "I'm not planning anything. Celestia knows, and no changeling besides myself is here, don't worry." She smirked.

"Then why are you here?"

"Isn't it obvious, dear Shining Armor?" She let out a dark chuckle, and his eyes were drawn to her swollen stomach, which apparently had not been part of her identity as Crystal. "The foal...is yours."

"That monster doesn't belong to me. I...You brainwashed me. It's not mine." He was breaking, faltering syllables quickly covering any strength to his voice.

"Look, Shining," said Chrysalis, beginning to circle him, playing like a cat with a mouse. "I like you. You're different than the other stallions I've met, and believe me, I've met many." She paused, searching for words. "You're...real. Your emotions are purer than anyone else's I've found."

"And?"

"And, dear Shining Armor, you can be sure that I am not leaving. Your precious Celestia has given me permission to stay, and besides, this is your foal as much as it is mine, and she is not a monster. She is part pony. Do you know what that means? It means that, in a hive where mercy is a curse, she is worth nothing. But she is worth so much more in Equestria."

"Yeah, well, you can have her worth whatever somewhere else. That's not mine. Cadence and I are waiting for children until the Crystal Empire is steady on its hooves again."

"But you are a prince, Shining, and it is your job to accept and welcome newcomers to your kingdom."

"That doesn't count. You've been here before. You're in exile." He sighed, shaking his head and poking frustratedly at the ground. "I...I need to talk to Twilight about this...."

"You take your time," laughed the changeling queen, morphing back to Crystal Lily in a flash of green flame. "I'll be waiting."

"Twilight!"

The white stallion knocked again on the library door, sending urgent thumps through the old tree.

"Twilight, I need to talk to you!"

The door opened to reveal a bleary-eyed alicorn. "Wha...?"

"Twilight, I need to talk."

"It's...two in the morning, Shiny. Why are you here?"

"Look, I would've gotten here earlier, but all the carriages were taken, I had to walk a lot of the way--that's not important. Can I come in?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure."

Shining Armor went inside.

"All right, I don't really know how to say this, but Queen Chrysalis is back."

"What?!"

"Apparently Celestia knows, but I don't know if I can take her word for it."

"I...I guess that's better. What's going on?"

Shining Armor took a deep breath.

"She's pregnant. With a foal. And...And she says it's mine."

"Did you...?"

"I thought she was my wife, Twi. Of course we did."

"Then it probably is yours."

"Of course it's mine, Twilight! Whose else could it be? But Cadence will find out, and I think Chrysalis wants it to live in Canterlot, and why, for pony's sake, did Celestia let that God forsaken changeling back here?"

"You know, that's what I thought when she brought Discord back. Maybe she knows what she's doing, Shiny."

"But...But...." He sighed, beginning to calm down. "Just agree with me, Twiley, okay? I need that right now."

"All right, I understand. Do you know when the baby is due?"

"No. I mean, soon, I think. Maybe a few weeks or a month. I don't know."

"Okay. Well, maybe you and Cadence could adopt it. You wanted kids, right?"

"No, Twilight, you know I can't do that. It'll always be a sign of--of that monster interfering with our lives and nearly ruining them. I can't have them."

"Maybe it's not a symbol of that. Maybe it's a symbol of the time you and Cadence's love for each other overpowered Queen Chrysalis, even after Celestia was defeated."

"No. No, it's not. It's not a symbol of our triumph, it's a symbol of the thing that came between us and locked Cadence in this dungeon and tricked me. How...How could I have fallen for that so easily?"

He slumped into a sitting position, going from frantic to defeated in less than a second.

"No.... No, Shiny, don't blame yourself for this. It's not your fault."

"But it is, Twi. You knew from the start that something was wrong with Cadence. I was the one actually getting married to her, and I didn't notice anything."

"You had your hooves full. I mean, you knew that there was a threat made against Canterlot, so there was that force field, and Cadence had to plan the wedding, and you were worried about her, and all that stuff was going on at once! I bet you guys were both pretty cranky a lot of the time, I just noticed because I remembered Cadence from when she was by foalsitter and I was comparing them, I didn't know how much stress you guys were under--"

"I should have noticed. If I cared about her that much, I would have noticed."

"Stop. Stop blaming yourself. You have a problem here, and what matters is how we solve it, not how it started."

"...Okay. Fine. How do we solve it?"

"I think you need to tell Cadence what's going--"

"Cadence!"

"What?"

"We had this totally romantic dinner thing planned out, and I completely forgot about it!"

"Go get her, then! Tell her what's going on. She'll understand if you just--"

But he was already out the door.

P1: Celestience Crimor

It was a peaceful night. So peaceful, in fact, that Celestia had nothing better to do than sift through a towering pile of mail. Most were letters from city mayors or representatives of other kingdoms seeking a meeting. The rest were a combination of letters from Twilight and death threats. She usually started with the death threats: they were artfully constructed using cut out magazine characters. Surprisingly, the amount of trouble one would go through just to insult her.

She opened the first letter and began to read.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I hate you. You are a troll and I am fairly certain that you molested your sister, and student, at least once. Why don't you make yourself useful and banish yourself to the moon. You had better hurry or I will do it for you.

Sincerely,

XXXXXXX XXX and XXXXX XXXXXXXXX

P.S. If you really are the one reading this, your mailbox security is just pathetic.

The mysterious hater had a good point, actually. The letter could have easily been a bomb or something. She'd have to bump up security someti--

Knock.... kn...ock.... knock. Creeeeaak.

"Um.... Aunty Tia?" asked a shaky voice.

"Come in."

Cadence pushed open the door, not attempting to hide her damp eyes and dripping eyeliner.

"Cadence, what's wrong?"

She sniffled. "I, I know I shouldn't b-be so worried, but Shining and I had th-this thing p-planned all week, and it st-st-started two hours ago, and, he still h-hasn't shown up. I--I think he's w-with Crystal Lil-ly," cried Cadence, the sound of her unrestrained sobbing filling the room.

"Crystal Lily?!" Celestia's head shot up at the mention of the name. "He's with Crystal Lily?"

"I...I think so...."

"Then we need to find him."

"Cadence! Sorry I'm late, I--oh."

The waiter looked at him, unamused.

"Um, sorry. I, er, have a reservation. Dinner for two, under Shining Armor and Cadence?"

The waiter glanced at a list of reservations.

"Then you are the prince?"

"Um, yeah. I guess I am."

"The princess left half an hour ago, sir."

"She--She did? Did she say where she was going?"

"No, she didn't."

"All right. Thank you." He dipped his head in brief farewell and bolted out the door.

Probably at the castle, he thought. She's at the castle, gone to see Celestia.

He turned, relying on his sense of direction rather than eyesight to get there. He couldn't really see anything--it was 3 a.m., after all--but he had lived in Canterlot long enough (his whole life) to have memorized the city streets. He stumbled across the road, swerving as a chariot nearly ran into him.

"What in Equestria! Watch it, ass!"

Watch it yourself, thought Shining, then he skidded to a halt.

"Ben? Is that you?"

The chariot driver looked at him. "Yeah, what's it to yeh?"

"It's Shining. Shining Armor."

"Shining!" Ben snorted angrily. "You bastard! What are you doing here?"

"I've got to catch up with my wife. She's at the castle. I need a ride!"

"Tough luck. Paying customers only."

"Come on, Ben! For old time's sake?"

The stallion sighed. "Fine. But I expect one more practice out of you."

"It's a date," said Shining, smiling gratefully. He piled into the van and Ben turned his attention to the chariot puller.

"All right, you heard the man. Celestia's castle!"

They galloped off into the night.

"So," began Shining, laughing a bit nervously, "how's the band been since I left?"

Ben glared at him. "Don't play innocent. You know perfectly well how it's been."

He looked sheepishly at his hooves. "Not great, then?"

"Perfectly shitty. I'm a chariot driver, for Celestia's sake!"

"Oh, um, sorry about that." Shining winced, knowing how insincere he sounded. "I might be able to get you a job in the guard, if you'd like."

"No way. I'm not joining whatever brain-washers took you away from us."

"Um, okay. I won't make you."

They sat in silence for a while, which he eventually broke.

"So, how have the others been doing?"

"They've moved on. Angelben wound up marrying a groupie. Sentimental jackass."

"Hey, it's not as bad as you make it out to be."

"You really don't have your priorities straight, do you?"

They sat in (more) silence for a while, until the chariot slid to a halt.

"Out," said Ben. "And you'd better believe I'm following up on that practice."

Taking a deep breath, Shining Armor entered the castle.

He was almost expecting to see Cadence as soon as he entered, but the pink princess was nowhere to be seen. Biting his lip with worry, Shining turned a corner, his hoovesteps growing faster and more desperate with each passing second. Where is she? Not Celestia's room, not the ballroom, maybe... He sped up, taking the stairs to the castle guest suites. They had shared one all week, but it was all packed up now, would she be there? Maybe, just maybe.

The loudest sound was the clip-clop of Shining Armor's hooves on the castle floor. He wasn't any calmer at arriving at his destination, no, his anxiety continued to soar. She'll kill me, won't she. I can't believe I had sex with that monster. He bit his lip; the emotion was getting to him.

Fool.

He loved Cadence, he really did. He'd watched her since he was a colt, looked at her from afar, putting all his Your Highnesses and Milady's in all the right places. And apparently she had done the same, for when he nervously asked her to dinner, she leaped forward and kissed him.

I'm supposed to be her husband. I should have known!

It had been almost a year, and the guilt still ate at him. Everyone said it was fine, but they would never know how it really was. Cadence was a princess, dammit, and she still acted herself under stress, even the stress of a wedding. He should have known, she have noticed she wasn't herself, should have recognized her lack of freak outs and her choosing the unfamiliar bridesmaids. He should have known.

Shining forced himself to stop, skidding to a halt and hitting himself with a blue-white hoof.

"Stop it," he said. "You are a prince and you did fine."

He didn't believe it, but it helped for the time being.

He took a breath and struggled to calm his racing heart. Cadence...Chrysalis...the foal.

I'm a father.

There was a jolt in him at this thought. No foal deserved to be in a broken home.

"This one does," Shining said decidedly. "This one was a mistake."