Flash Sentry: Unlucky Waifu Rustler

by RainbowBob

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy
Length: 1486

Flash Sentry isn't having the best of luck right now. Apparently he stole everyone's favorite waifu, Twilight Sparkle. Even though he hasn't said two words to the mare. And now he's dealing with the consequences.

Cover art is a lie. Not humanized. Just funny.

Flash Sentry isn't having the best of luck right now. Apparently he stole everyone's favorite waifu, Twilight Sparkle. Even though he hasn't said two words to the mare. And now he's dealing with the consequences.

Please Note: If you hate Flash Sentry, this is the story for you. If you don't hate Flash Sentry, then go back to your basement you sicko neckbeard. God, you freaks sicken me.

Thanks to my editor MrPockets and pre-reader Skeeter The Lurker for all their help!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-19 02:40:02 UTC

Chapter 1: Bronies Are Merciless

Flash Sentry was screwed. So totally, extremely definitely, most likely screwed. He couldn’t be more screwed even if he was attached to another object by an inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis. Which, if you didn’t already know, meant he was screwed!

The reason for his screwed predicament was still a mystery to him. He was just doing his guard rounds, like usual. He hadn’t broken any rules, didn’t do anything that would result in insubordination. Heck, he even properly polished his armor and showered daily! How many other guards did that?

But now he was standing outside the throne room of the Princesses, much like a colt waiting for a scolding by the school principal for breaking the rules. All he could do was sweat over his fate and wait for his eventual doom.

He didn’t have to wait for long, for the doors opened to reveal the irritated gazes of both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna being directed at himself. Their dual glares nearly made him melt to a pathetic puddle of anxiety on the spot.

“Flash Sentry,” Celestia said, her normally soft and luxurious voice hardened by a bitter edge of resentment that made her words resonate in the throne room. “Walk forward.”

Flash complied, each of his steps a nerve racked movement of his hooves that made his limbs shake. He was sure his legs would turn into jello at any moment, but he just continued with his walk of shame.

He stopped once he was at the foot of the stairs leading up to the throne. Celestia sat in her seat with a disappointed expression on her face, mirrored by her sister Luna, who stood by her side.

Seconds ticked by as they regarded him with pure contempt on their faces, while he just trembled like a scared foal under their scrutinous gazes.

Finally, like a breath of fresh air Celestia spoke. “Do you know why you have been summoned here?”

Flash gulped a dry throat, feeling like he was swallowing his own heart to fall with a plop in his stomach. “No, your majesty,” he answered, a high shrill squeak to his voice as his eyes bugged out due to fear.

Glancing over at Luna, she and Celestia shared a nod and returned their eyes back to Flash. “Well, the answer is simple. It has to deal with Twilight Sparkle.”

“Princess Twilight?” he asked, beads of sweat falling like a storm down his coat. “I have nothing to do with her, I swear! The closest I’ve ever gotten to is accidentally bumping into her in the halls! That’s it, nothing more!”

“Do not speak until directed to,” Celestia said, Flash closing his mouth shut instantly like a bear trap. Frowning slightly, Celestia cleared her throat and said, “The reason you are called here is because of the relation you are having with my student.”

“But I just said–”

“What did I just say?” Celestia said, her voice so full of venom that Flash’s tongue practically shriveled up in his mouth. As silence reigned once more in the room, Celestia sighed and got to her hooves.

“We all know about the time you’ve spent with Twilight,” Celestia said, walking down the stairs leading to her throne with Luna by her side. “Twilight can’t stop talking about you, so it must be true.”

“So do not bother with your lies or deceit,” Luna added in. “You are guilty of your crimes, and must face your punishment.”

Flash backed up a step, his eyes traveling across the room frantically for support or help of any sort. “But I told you, I’m not in a relationship with her! I haven’t said two words to the princess!” he assured them, scooting backwards again as they neared. “Besides, how could I be punished for something like dating Twilight? Which I am definitely not doing.”

“You stole our waifu,” Celestia answered, nodding her head in Luna’s direction. “And for that, you must die.”

“... Waifu? Die? What are you two even talking about?” Flash shouted.

“Twilight was ours way before you got your hooves on her!” Luna yelled, both sisters on ground level and fastly approaching the panic stricken Flash Sentry. “She’ll never be yours! Never!”

With those words both Princesses’ horns glowed with a magical fury, dual spells being activated and shot forth as an inferno of flames were directed in Flash’s current position.

Falling back on his guard training to stay alive, Flash backpedaled and rolled to the side to barely avoid the heat of the flames. Feeling his eyebrows and mane being singed by the fire, Flash knew that the punishment of death was deadly serious. So he did the smartest thing any pony about to be put to death by the royal sisters could do.

He ran like hell.

“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!” he screamed, his eccentric shouts similar to that of a little filly’s. He raced right out of the throne room, flames falling fast behind as he broke into trot down the castle halls. The sounds of the Princesses’ furious screams followed close behind, but Flash stayed ahead by sheer fear alone, as if his hooves have grown wings. Well, more like he started using his wings to streak through the air as fast as he could.

Through several twists and turns through the halls, with Flash repeating the words ‘I’m gonna fucking die, I’m gonna fucking die!’ over and over again in his head, he concluded that he was even more screwed than before. Fireballs being fired at him from the rulers of Equestria pretty much guranteed that.

Turning another corner as a bolt of lightening struck the floor he'd been standing on mere seconds ago, he all but crashed into his saving grace. That grace being the Element bearers themselves, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Rarity, sans Twilight.

Sliding on his hooves and desperately bringing himself to a stop before them, he waved his forelegs dramatically and said in a rushed voice, “Guys, guys, guys! Help! Celestia and Luna have gone wacko and are trying to kill me because I stole Twilight or their waifu or something!” Glancing over his shoulder, the deadly presence of both sisters met his panicked gaze. Shuffling backwards to the five mares, he screamed, “Just help me, damnit!”

The sisters’ wicked smiles never left their faces as they cornered him. His only hope was in the Element bearers’ hooves. Which were currently choking his neck.

Gagging and gasping for breath, Flash glanced upward at the frown on Applejack’s face as she cut off all air to his lungs by strangling his neck. “Ain’t gonna happen, waifu stealer,” she stared, the rest of the Element bearers staring at him with hate filled eyes. “You stole Twi from us. Now yer gonna pay.”

Flash’s vision began to waver as the oxygen he so desperately needed was leaving his body. Soon darkness creeped in the edges of his vision, growing closer to the center as the world fuzzed away. The last sight he ever had was the evil grinning smiles of Celestia and Luna before he fell in the void of nothing.

“No!” Flash shouted, waking up suddenly in his bed, breathing hard. His sheets were covered in sweat, his mane disheveled and sticking to his coat. Panting hard, he glanced around himself, relieved to find himself in his own room, with no crazy princesses or murderous Element bearers around.

Swiping his brow with a hoof, he whispered, “Oh thank Celestia... it was just a dream.”

“And now it’s a nightmare,” a voice interrupted in the darkness.

Flash jumped while laying down, banging his head on his bed board. Shivering in his sheets, he said, “Who’s there? Please, I didn’t do anything!”

Several figures stood up from the darkness, the pale illumination from the moon shining down the window in his room revealing them. It was just a bunch of large, sweaty bipedal creatures with hair growing profusely from their necks, with their white faces covered in really bad acne. Many were greatly overweight, with obesity running rampant in their ranks.

The one who spoke first approached Flash, holding a lead pipe in his meaty hand. “You did do something,” he said, spittle flying from his fat lips as he raised his lead pipe. “You stole our waifu!”

The other fat creatures agreed, lifting their weapons in the air. The strangest part about them that Flash noticed was that each wore an XXXL shirt with Twilight on the cover. More often than not in a highly sexual position of some sort.

“Please...” Flash begged, holding his hooves out in mercy. “Please, don’t.”

“Die, ship killer!” the smelly creature shouted, the others joining in as they descended upon Flash Sentry with weapons striking hard and quick. A pool of his blood dripped down the bed as the bronies feasted on their meal.