Luna, You Little Sh*t!

by Ahiam94

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Nightmare Moon, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy
Length: 1718

Celestia has had enough of Luna's ways.

Luna is an uncontrollable party animal. She's always causing trouble for Celestia. After dealing with her sister's obnoxious ways for hundreds of years, Celestia finally can't take anymore.

Published 2013-09-30 17:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-30 17:10:02 UTC

Chapter 1

Celestia sat in the throne room. She sat patiently waiting for her sister. It was almost time for the sun to set and the moon to rise. The young princess let out a sigh. Luna, don't make me raise the moon for you again. It had been a few weeks since the first moon raising experience that Luna had. Ever since then she had not been the same pony. She never helped around the castle. Celestia raised both the moon and the sun most days. She took care of all of the royal duties herself, and to make matters worse, she had to take care of all the messes that Luna left behind.

Celestia noticed that it was time, she would have to raise the moon yet again. She closed her eyes and concentrated her magic, but her magic was cut off by a sudden slam. Celestia opened her eyes in surprise. She looked at the end of the throne room to see Luna.

"Yo! Whassup, sistah!?" Luna called out. Celestia let out another sigh once she saw the appearance of her sister. It was very important for the royal sisters to keep up their appearance. Luna looked like she was doing everything in her power to look like everything royalty should not be. On her head was a hat the read the word 'swag'. Over her eyes were a pair of sunglasses. But the worst thing of it all was around Luna's neck. She was wearing a gold necklace that was decorated with shining letters that spelled 'yolo'. A word that Celestia wished she could pretend did not exist.

"Luna, you are late again," Celestia pointed out. "But, the important thing is, you are here now. Are you ready to raise the moon?" Celestia asked.

Luna lowered her sunglasses and gave Celestia a strange look. "Psshhh, you know I ain't got time fo' dat! I'm busy being the swagilicious princess that I am!" Luna said. "'sides, we both know that you all into that princess shiz."

Celestia took in a deep breath, attempting to keep the rage building up in her down. Slowly, she exhaled. "Luna, it is very important for us to keep up a royal appearance. We do not want to make Equestria look foolish," Celestia said.

"Yeah, you can do that if you want, sis. As for me! I'm way too swag to let royalty get in the way! That's why I'm going to start rappin'!" Luna's horn began glowing and with a flash a boombox appeared next to Luna, and Luna was now levitating a microphone.

Celestia sat still, one of her eyes twitching. "Luna, you can't be serious."

"Of course I'm serious. Yolo, sister, yolo."

"What!?" Celestia yelled.

"I didn't expect you to know what that means. You ain't with it. You ain't got swag like me. Isn't that right, Rhyme?" Luna asked the stallion next to her.

"Wait, where did this stallion come from?" Celestia asked, dumbfounded.

Next to Luna was a brown pony with a large black afro, and a goatee. On his flank was a picture of a garbage can with flies buzzing around it. "This is Rhyme, Celly. He comes and goes whenever he wants!"

"But how and when did he get there!?" Celestia asked again.

"Sis, when you have as much swagger as rhyme, you don't need to make sense. Things just happen, you dig?"

Celestia opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She had nothing else to say. All logic had died. Celestia felt something inside her had died, she assumed it was the faith of ponykind.

"Celly, this is the colt that's gonna make me a famous rapper! Let me show y'all! Hit it, Rhyme." Upon the command, Rhyme began beat boxing and Luna started to rap. "Yo! I'm the princess of the night, and you know that I'mma beat you in a fight. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, cause I'm the princess of the night." Luna dropped the microphone and raised her hooves into the air, wearing an emotionless face.

Celestia's eyes stood wide open. "Is that really what rap is supposed to sound like?." Celestia spoke to herself, quietly.

Luna looked up at Celestia. "So as you can see, I'm going places. With Rhyme at my side, there ain't nothing I can't rap about."

Celestia took in a few deep breaths to calm herself while she thought of her next action. She slowly rubbed her head focusing as hard as she could. "Luna," Celestia finally spoke. "You must understand, this is not something you have the freedom to do. You are of royal blood and as such you cannot go around Equestria making a fool of yourself. "

Luna took off her shades. She rubbed her eyes then proceeded to place her glasses back on. "I ain't gonna let the man get me down!" Luna screamed as she pointed a hoof at Celestia.

"Oh good lord," said Celestia.

"You think that jus' because I'm supposed to be a princess I'll stop!? No way, dawg! I'll never stop rapping! This is my true calling, yo! You dun understand! This is my special talent!"

"What are you talking about!? Your cutiemark symbolizes the moon! How does that show that you're a rapper?" Celestia asked.

"You just dun understand. See, the man has corrupted yo mind!" Luna explained pointing a hoof at her own head.

"Who? Who is the 'man' Luna?"

Luna jumped back in disbelief. "You don't know who the man is?" Celestia said nothing. "The man is..." The room was filled with an awkward silence.

"You don't even know, do you?" Celestia asked with a deadpan tone. Luna still sat silent.

"Okay, Luna. If you're not going to see reason, I'll just have to use some force." Celestia took in a deep breath. Her wings began to unfold. Her eyes started to glow. Her horn had powerful magic shining around it. Celestia was ready to unleash her ultimate magic on Luna.

*CRASH*

Celestia doors blew open once again. The sudden noise caused Celestia to lose concentration and all her magic vanished.

"Yo, Luna!" A pony screamed. The pony charged into the room out of breath. He collapsed in from of Luna. "Luna, it's, *huff* *huff* It's..." The pony tried to speak, but he was clearly exhausted.

"What is it? What's happenin'?" Luna asked, panicked.

"It's... T!" The pony finally said. Luna and Rhyme gasped upon hearing the name.

"T?" Celestia asked. "Luna," Luna looked to Celestia. "Who's T?"

Luna shook her head. "Sis, do you know anything? T is the leader of Canterthugs." Everypony in the room, including Luna, let out a gasp upon hearing the identity of T.

Celestia let out yet another sigh. "What, dare I ask, are Canterthugs?"

Luna visually jumped back in shock. "You dun know who the Canterthugs are?"

"No. I'm afraid I'm too busy taking care of all of my royal duties to know these things. Maybe if I had a little hel-"

"The Canterthugs are the most notorious gang in all of Canterlot." Luna interrupted.

*CRASH*

"Please make this stop." Celestia asked.

"Yo, luna!" Standing in the doorway was a group of ponies all wearing large green hoodies. "T sends his regards." After making the announcement. The ponies all brought out pistols and began shooting towards Luna.

"Awww, hell naw!" Luna screamed. With some magic, Luna made a small shelter for her and Rhyme to hide behind, while they took out her own pistols and began shooting back.

Celestia sat, more confused then ever. "Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this."

After several minutes of gun fire, Luna and Rhyme stood in the throne room, that was now covered in bloodied corpses of gang members and royal guards. "Yo, Rhyme. I think we capped 'em all."

Rhyme looked over to Luna and nodded.

"Okay, Luna. This has to end. The throne room was never meant to be a warzo-" *CRASH* "Okay, what the hell!? Why does the door keep crashing open when it never gets closed!? And who is there now!?"

Luna started shaking where she stood. "It's T. Rhyme we gotta-" Luna looked over to Rhyme to see that he had vanished. "No! Rhyme! I need yo, dawg!"

"Yo, Luna. Looks like it's just you and me," Said, T.

"I'm here too." Celestia announced.

"Yes, it seems that way." Luna agreed.

"Seriously? I'm right here."

"Draw!" T screamed, and instantly Luna and T took off guns blazing. Bullet holes destroyed all of the priceless furnishings of the throne room.

"Okay. You know what? This is all I can stand." Celestia said to herself. With a quick flash of magic, a lightning bolt shot down from the sky and blasted T into small bits.

"Whoa! Dayum, sis! Why didn't yo do that before!?"

"Luna, you must understand that this life you lead, it's trash. I think you need some time to think about what you need to do with your life. So, I'm going to give you a quiet place to think for awhile." Without a second thought Celestia began gathering magic.

"Wait, what do you mean?" Luna asked.

Celestia didn't respond. Instead she gathered more magic. The magic started to flow from her horn and wrap around Luna. "Wait, sis! You can't do this! I have a single that I gotta record!"

"Goodbye, Luna." With a quick burst of magic, Luna was gone. Celestia closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. Silence. It was beautiful. Celestia took a quick look out the window and realized that the sun was still out. With a quick flick of magic the sun set and the moon rose. Celestia looked up at the moon and saw that her magic had worked. "Yep, that's Luna in the moon. I'm sure she'll come back a better pony in one thousand years."

Author's Note

Was this the dumbest thing I've ever written? Yes. Am I proud of it. Not sure. This came from a quick idea that I had and expanded upon. Didn't get it proofread so that's why there are probably a few thousand things wrong with it. But, I hope you enjoyed this ridiculous fic of mine. And I promise to never write something like this ever again.