A Shining Member of the Department

by Regidar

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, Sex, Crystal Ponies, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Princess Cadance
Length: 3780

Shining’s been having rather unfulfilling nights with his wife. Maybe the year of constant attention to her has started to wear on him, but a certain sight in the shower may rekindle his fire.

Shining Armor, proud Captain of the Royal Guard, trainer of hundreds of soldiers operating under his command, loving husband of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, and just bored with what goes on in the bedroom. Something caused his fire to die out two months ago, and the sex just wasn’t as fulfilling as he would’ve liked, despite his - and Cadence’s - increasingly interesting and dangerous kinks.

After being sent out to train a new detachment of the Guard comprised entirely of Crystal Ponies to operate under his wife’s command, however, he’d been spotting things that seemed entirely uninteresting a year prior. Perhaps, with a bothersome visit to the barracks after a long session of training, he’d find his answer?

Co-authored with KillerSteel, MidnightDancer, Lord Sunder, EricKilla, and FloydienSlip.

Published 2013-08-20 15:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-20 15:20:01 UTC

Shut Up, Penis

Shining Armor was content with his marriage with Cadence, for the most part. Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was… missing. Something he couldn’t quite put his hoof on. It was a point he’d found whenever he enjoyed a steamy night after dinner with his wife. That something more could be done, though the answer always eluded him, even now, a year after his marriage.

He had to bring in fresh new Crystal Pony recruits to rebuild the Guard now that the royal family had taken back the throne. The Crystal Empire’s administration was busy reintegrating into pony society, so the establishment of an active Guard section was absolutely critical until more conventional law enforcement could be emplaced. A typical job for him, training undisciplined and foolish ponies, sharpening their wits and skills until they became the edge of Equestria’s blade, sharp and decisive in their deployment of justice.

Though, whenever he was in training, something about those Crystal stallions made him feel a little strange. A weird feeling in the back of his head, something that would pull his eyes away from the cute Crystal Pony mares that would join the training line. He didn't realize why, or even what it was, until he caught one of his recruits, unsheathed, in a shower after training.

He had lingered far too long on that glorious, crystalline cock that had been dangling right underneath the guard as warm, sensual water splashed against his rock hard, stoic body. Shining's eyes had gone wide, and a strange feeling in his gut had arisen, and this time it wasn't because of Cadence’s "special" pies.

He watched, lurking beside the entrance to the shower stall, unable to tear himself away from the glory of the other stallion's cock. Before his shocked eyes, the stallion began to rub himself, moaning with every thrust.

The feeling in his gut became all the more noticeable, a familiar twinge between his legs as he recognized the kind of pleasure that motion could bring. The member stood at attention like one of his fine recruits, pleasing its owner as every stroke sent a jolt through their body, as well as Shining's.

He bit his lip, finally understanding what that gut feeling was. It was arousal like he had never felt before! Nothing his wife had ever done had gotten him this ~~moist~~ aroused. He blushed, trying to sneak away before things went over the edge, but his cock had other plans.

"Not today, Shiny Boy," the phallus said, slithering from its skin sheath. "It's time to give up the ghost; time to kick the bucket; time to kiss straight goodbye on the mouth with plenty of tongue!"

"B-but I like mares!" Shining protested. "I have a wife! I'm not mentally attracted to stallions! I just find cocks a bit... tantalizing."

"Shhshshshshs," his cock whispered to him. "You know what, Shiny?"

"What?" Shining asked his pecker.

"It's okay to be gay."

There was no way he was going to let his thoughts linger on the stallions dripping, glistening cock under the showerhead for one more second. He would definitely not let himself think about sidling in next to this new recruit, barking orders both gruff and with a twinge of desperation at the same time. There was no way he'd even consider making this pony his. But his cock literally begged to differ.

“Just a taste. C’mon. It won’t hurt you. Remember when Cadence prompted you into trying that new dish she helped the chefs whip up?”

“I had diarrhea for a week.”

“Bad example. Point being, just get in there and do what your heart wants you to, you pussy!”

“But my heart wants a pussy! N-Not...” The creeping feeling of indecision threatened to break his will, but he stood firm. Firm, like his—

He didn’t want to finish that thought. Not one bit.

“Sure you do, Shiny Boy… just look at the way his hoof moves. You don’t want me to be lonely, do you? Do it, you faggot,” His cock whispered slyly. Slowly, he began to shake his head. At what, he wasn’t quite sure, but his hoof moved all the same. The moment his hoof touched his pulsating flesh, the questions in his mind swirled downwards into a sea of... something. Something familiar, but he couldn’t identify it.

As his hoof slowly stroked from balls to tip, Shining shuddered, biting his lip. A small bit of precum coated the top of his cock, and he found himself utterly unable to tear his eyes from the other stallion. “Mmmh… Penis… stop it…”

“This is all on you, you filthy, homosexual little twat,” the sapient penis whispered.

“Fine,” Shining said. “If it’ll shut you up. Say, when did you learn to talk, anyway?”

“That’s none of your business. Now get in there and bury me in a nice warm asshole!”

Shining shuddered. “Oh dear Celestia, why...”

The answer evaded his mind. Could have been anything from the fact that it was suspiciously cold in the shower room, to actually wanting a nice, tight, strong— “No no no, d-don’t think that!” Shining hissed to himself, fighting to stop the stroking. Sadly, his body refused his order to cease, it being too tied up in the great things happening to his penis. Images of him and the target of his affection entangled in the heat of passion swam through his mind, each one making it harder and harder to resist simply walking in and begging for release.

The object of his affections stiffened, ears pricked. Slowly he turned, his eyes rising to meet those of his Captain. Shining saw a welter of emotions pass through the stallion’s eyes, followed by a fierce blush, both hooves reaching to cover the (glorious) hard-on.

“S-s-s-sir…” His eyes dropped down, widening at the sight of Shining’s throbbing cock.

The halting, unsure sound of the stallion’s address only made Shining’s dick swell further, another bead of precum oozing slowly from the tip. Blushing furiously, he kept some semblance of his station and narrowed his eyes slightly. “What’s your name, recruit?”

“Raging River, Captain,” he replied in a quavering voice. Penis egging him on, Shining strode with some hesitation into the shower room. Raging River, realizing suddenly that his hooves were still on his cock, dropped it hastily as he stood at attention. His dick bobbed and swayed slightly as he tried his best to look official and military while sporting an erection in a shower.

Snorting, Shining glared at River. “Did I tell you to stop, Recruit?

“Carry on, soldier!” he barked, his erection fully stiffening at the site of the moistened crystal pony.

“S-sir…?”

“You heard me, privates— I mean, Private!”

Very slowly, the recruit began to move his hooves up and down, up and down. The rhythm of the masturbation turned Shining all the more on, and his bulging member absolutely throbbed in agony and lust.

“Mmm, you want that, don’t you?” groaned Shining’s penis seductively.

“No… Well maybe… Mmm, okay yes, I want it.”

“Then give into it, you pansy!”

Shining groaned, and reluctantly mounted the stallion. The guard looked backwards at his commanding officer. “Um, Sir? I think this counts as sexual harassment—”

“I’ll double your salary.”

“Go on.”

Shining groaned. Why was he going to pay somepony for something he really didn’t want to be doing? The reason eluded him, but he lined up his throbbing erection to the target zone in any case.

The first few moments were tense, Shining simply staring down at the waiting entrance, begging him to come in from the cold. Some voice in the back of his head kept shouting for him to stop, but it was far too late to back out now. His horn shone, covering his member in a protective wrapping - he wasn’t about to contract anything from this experiment - and pressed up against the recruit below him. A groan escaped them both as he found it difficult to move in, pressing harder and harder. A few failures sent his mind off seeking something to make the process easier. He wanted to get things over with, but simply staring at River’s round, muscular rump derailed his thoughts again and again.

He needed one thing, just one in order to get things over with. He sought a spell, any spell, in order to make entry easier. Then it came to him. Figuratively, of course. The shield! The properties of his protective field changed, just barely, becoming stretchier and more slippery. They both gasped as he slowly slid forwards, River tensing against him. Leaning forward to fight the push, he slipped the head in.

New sensations rocketed up his cock as he slowly slid it inside of River, Shining’s cock letting out a muffled cheer as he slid deep inside the other pony’s rectum. The cock continued talking, but Shining couldn’t make out his muffled groans as he bottomed out, staying still for a moment. River groaned, rectal walls tightening around Shining as he adjusted to the girth of his penis, and Shining had to hold himself back from cumming right then. Dear Celestia, this is tight.

Putting his official demeanor back on like a mask, he barked at his partner. “Are you ready, Recruit? This is some of the most vigorous training I can put you through, so hold on to your goddamned nuts.”

“MMHUMPH ES!” came the muffled cry from deep inside the stallion’s anus.

Tensing once more before visibly relaxing, River’s eyes slid shut, his face becoming a picture of concentration before answering. Shining felt the loosening of the pony’s flank muscles, and smiled. “Sir, yes sir!”

With a grin, the white stallion drew back slowly, leaving only the tip of his magic-bedecked penis inside the other totally-homosexual-and-that’s-okay pony before slamming it in to the hilt suddenly. River yelped, rectum tightening again before his vocalizations trailed off into a moan.

Shining had to admit, this was pretty fucking fantastic. He made a solemn vow to listen to his penis from now on about other things that it might be knowledgable on.

Taking another thrust, Shining grunted, shifting his weight forward to reach the other stallion’s ear. He nipped his recruit’s ear, and the pony beneath him shuddered. Muffled cries of success came from the bowels of the rutted pony, but Shining chose to ignore that.

For both stallions, as the thrusting picked up into a slow rhythm, the experience was unlike either had known before. For Shining, it was far tighter than anything he’d done with Cadence, offering him such a push that he was worried River would push him right out. The slick movement so much like his nights with his wife, yet so new. He fought the urge to just push the stallion down and take him straight over the edge with all the willpower he could muster.

For River, however, it was just strange. Pleasurable, sure, but strange. He’d never had something go in him before, but it felt natural, like he had something in his mind hardwired to please him when a stallion moved in his rump. He wanted to tense up, to push the intruder out, but at the same time he wanted to join in the motions to see just how far he could be explored. He sighed with the motions, words worth nothing to him as he started to join in the thrusting, hips bumping together as the two moved in an almost harmonic rhythm.

“You holding up alright down there, Recruit?” He murmured into the stallion’s ear.

“Why is everyone ignoring me!?” came a crystal clear screech from the other stallion’s magnificent manhood. Both stallions stopped cold, River’s face contorting into the most adorably mortified look Shining had ever seen. He shifted, a white hoof slipping down to cup the glassy phallus, stifling its cries as he roughly began to pump it in time with his thrusts. River let out a strangled gasp, arching back against his captain. His mane muffled his Captain’s own gasps as they ground against each other.

“Yeah, just like that!” The squeaky voice of River’s penis echoed against the shower room walls, causing Shining to slow down just a bit.

“Recruit, you need to get your cock under control. That’s an order.”

Gasping for breath, River whined slightly as Shining removed his hoof from the talkative cock, a whine that cut off as that hoof was then used to soundly smack his generous flank. Biting his lip, River tilted his head down, coming head to head with his own penis. “L-look, I’m sorry we were ignoring you, but if you keep talking, the Captain is going to stop rutting, and neither of us will be happy…”

The cock appeared to ponder this for a moment, bobbing seriously. “Fine. But tell that other fucker to shut up.”

“I hmmphd ‘hat!”

Shining rolled his eyes, dragging a hoof down his own face. “Penis. Please.”

“Mhine…” Silence reigned once again, the only background sound that of the shower still raining water on the two stallions. River looked back over his shoulder, and the two had an awkward moment of eye contact.

Shaking his mane briskly, Shining snorted once. “Did I say you could look at me?”

River whipped his head back to face forwards again. “S-Sir, no sir. Sorry, sir.”

“That’s better.” His cock slid out again, achingly slow, before slamming back inside the other pony. A moan rewarded him, and he smirked slightly. That little break had given him time to catch his breath, and now River was really in for a dicking. Arseways.

Shining began Arseways 2: The Re-Buggering, when a noise alerted him. “Oi mate, this mess gettin’ right hot in here.”

“What the fuck?” both stallions exclaimed in perfect synchronization. River’s cock followed slightly later, causing a completely edge-tastic reverb effect. Unfortunately for this promising a capella group, Shining’s cock was a metaphorical boner kill with his muffled tones following.

“I do apologize for my... less than desirable companion,” came another voice, slightly from the left of the first one. “I don’t really have a choice being cooped up with this lout.”

“Who you callin’ a lout, cunt? I’ll wreck you, mate, I swear on me muvvah’s grave.”

“I think we both know your mother is quite well, and living off of state assigned benefits, I might add. Tell me, does she still need a shopping trolley to move that collection of fat folds she calls her vagina?” the second voice replied coldly, utterly destroying what was left of the mood.

“Hey! That’s my mom you’re talking about, technically,” Shining commented indignantly.

Shining and River both stared at each other for a moment, and slowly, the captain slid out of his recruit, and asked his schlong a very important question. “Penis, what the fuck is going on?”

“Oh yeah, hope you don’t mind my roomies, bro,” his penis told him nonchalantly.

“Them? Mind us?” exclaimed the much more posh one. “They’re the ones who woke us up with all their incessant... copulations.”

“Yeah, you try tryin’ to sleep with your place smakin’ against some stallion like a Welshie fuckin’ a sheep!”

“You need to quiet them down,” River’s penis told Shining. “Killing the mood.”

Shining, ignoring the obvious disrespect from the penis, nodded, and did the stupidest thing anypony had done since Twilight decided to send Celestia a very explicit love letter. He reached his hoof under himself, and whacked his talkative testicles as hard as he could.

The next few seconds would prove to be a painful story to tell as his entire body seized, and his face screwed up in pure agony. He and his balls then proceeded to out-do every acapella group in existence with their combined shout.

“WHY’D YOU DO THAT, YE’ SCREAMIN’ TWAT!?”

“OH, MY ACHING EVERYTHING!”

“I-I CAN’T BREATHE...!”

Meanwhile, River’s cock had thrown aside all pretense of respect and just started laughing, taking great pleasure in the agony of that disrespectful jerk pounding his owner from behind.

Outside, a trio of pigeons took flight, noisily, never to return. All became quiet, and very still indeed. A single plaintive voice yelled out from beyond the technically crowded shower stall.

“For the love of Celestia, are you all quite done in there!?”

The shout fell on relatively deafened ears, Shining trying to recover from his heart-stoppingly painful experience, that stupidly squeaky laugh ringing better in his ears than the angered... whatever outside the stall. River simply clutched his penis, gibbering quietly. Shining made a mental note to sign the recruit up for a mandatory psych exam when this was over. And himself, for good measure.

Standing on wobbly legs, Shining ignored the blistering pain in his gonads as he peered down at the recruit, who was still gibbering. He had taken a prostrate position, face down on the floor in a quivering bow. Confused, Shining prodded him with a hoof. “Recruit? What’s the problem? You’re acting like you’re the one that just smacked himself in the nuts.”

“Oh, I’d say that fear is justified, Shiny.” Body frozen, Shining could barely turn his head, the pinpricks of his pupils almost pulsing with fear at that VERY familiar voice. Gulping, he came face to face with his wife. His glaring, questioning, judging wife.

“Ah. Cadence. Honey. Love. Sweetie. You, um, you look amazing today.” Indeed she did--the Princess of Love had her wings splayed, violet eyes burning brightly from beneath sharply turned brows. Her face, one of classic beauty, had always seemed more lovely to Shining when she was extremely pissed. Which she was. And the look was turning him on a bit more... which would likely develop into a problem.

“Shining, you went fourteen seconds over your usual shower time, and I got concerned. And I come in here to see this?” She stepped forward, barely restrained rage expressed through her gritted teeth and tense body.

“I… sweetie, look, I didn’t…”

The force of the Royal Canterlot Voice blew him against the shower wall. “AND YOU DIDN’T INVITE ME?!”

“Ow!” Shining covered his ears as his rump hit the floor, shielded member standing tall and just pulsating harder. The impact didn’t do much for his sore package either, as another bolt of pain raced up his spine, prompting a quiet chorus of whining that was thankfully drowned out by his own protests. “B-But h-honey, I thought, um...”

“What’s wrong with you!? Of course I’ve been waiting for this! I wait six months for you to bring one of your drinking buddies over for a threesome, and I find you balls deep in another stallion!? Why didn’t you tell me!?” Cadence’s screaming just grew higher and louder as she ranted on, Shining shrinking against the wall.

“B-But honey, I didn’t know you were into this! I-”

“No buts, no I’s, no anything! You have any idea how annoying it is, listening to your vagina screech at you for hours on end because my husband is out on maneuvers!? ON YOUR HOOVES, SOLDIERS!”

The two Guards immediately jumped to their hooves and saluted, paralyzed in fear by their obvious commander in chief. Cadence’s glare moved from River to Shining, seeming to freeze them both solid. Everywhere. Especially there. “Now, I’m going to make one request of both of you, and I expect my orders to be followed precisely and quickly. Understood?”

“U-Understood, ma’am! Crystal clear!” The two stallions barked in unison, staying rigid in their salutes. The angered Princess of Love’s scowl slowly turned into a grin, and walked in between the two stallions, looking at them both as she turned, patting River on the flank.

“I want you both to shut my vagina up for the day.” She spoke with the chill of a blizzard, something so common in the Crystal Wastes. Without further ado - and to avoid losing their hearing entirely to another one of her rants -, the two stallions set to work on pleasing their Princess, and perhaps shutting up their privates for a bit longer than a day.

Cadence squatted on the floor slightly, bringing her tall body more in line with the slightly smaller stallion’s ones. Winking back at her husband, she grinned up at the extremely nervous recruit. “Alright, soldier. Show your princess what you’ve got.”

A veritable chorus of “Yes ma’am!” answered her.

The end

Author's Note

“...Ok, seriously?” The first author said, looking around the table at the others. “This is what we came up with?”

“Why stop at one?” Queried the second, a perplexed look crossing his face.

“Just... wondering... wait, why’s— Regidar, did you— are these empty syringes yours!?” The first author glared at one of his peers, surrounded by empty syringes on the floor, a veritable mote of injectors around his seat.

“The ride never ends,” Regidar reminded the folks at home with a smile.

“I know right?” The second author grinned at the third.

“Get the fuck out, Regi, no one even likes you.”

The third merely sighed, popping open her ever-present painkiller bottle. She was going to need a lot of them.

“Well, it sure doesn’t end for us, does it? So, what’s next? Talking penises and vaginas and God knows what else awaits this universe.” The first author scratched his chin, thin stubble providing a nice ‘scritch, scritch’ against his nails.

“We’re doomed. So… very… screwed,” The second deadpanned.

“Aye,” the second’s penis concurred.

The first author shrugged with an unconcerned look on his face. “It’s clop with worldbuilding, may as well put that to proper use, right? I’ve already got an idea for a backstory...”

Mirroring his shrug, the third author finally nodded. “I don’t see why not. But for the love of everything, let me read over your goddamned clop before you post it.” Her vagina concurred, mumbling something about cervixes and virgins before shuddering.

“Bees, my god…” agreed the second, in a fair approximation of Gotham’s Dark Knight.

“Yeah, I’ll need proofreading. Loooots of proofreading.” The first author leaned on his hand, his penis quietly nodding in agreement. “Anyway, for the backstory, here’s what I’ve got so far...”

And thus, the four authors talked about the universe that developed between them, the promise of many entertaining stories like (purple) lights in the night sky, illuminating the (purple) road in front of them. T’was a long (and purple) one to walk, but these four would conquer it with the usual attitude and tools an author could expect.

Drugs, no care for realism, and plenty of silly humor. And cock jokes. Because honestly, what’s a story without a cock joke?

“End the note, Narrator!”

Oh, right. The end.