Mobster Meets Equestria

by Caddy Finz

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Drama, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Other, Adventure, Profanity, Violence, Human
Length: 8480

This is the story of a thug who just wanted to turn over a new leaf and start a new life. While trying to leave New York City, reformed mobster, Vincenzo leaves his life of crime behind and discovers the magic of interdimensional travel and ponies.

I've done a lot of things I ain't too proud of. I've worked for an organized crime family as a hit man for more time than I'd like to admit. I got paid to take people's lives, I've robbed, stolen, smuggled and hijacked. If it's something one would call sneaky, crooked, vile or anything like that, I've done it.

My name is Vincenzo Scungilli and this is the story of my new beginning. Tired of a life full of nothing but murder and blood, I decided That I wanted to get out of the mob. With a "blessing" from my don, I found that it would prove wise to escape my past and the people who still want me dead not by leaving New York City or even the country, but by my newly discovered mode of transport, inter dimensional travel. By complete freak accident, I ended up getting sucked into Equestria, a land of friendship, magic and candy colored talking ponies who proceed to annoy the hell out of me...and I gotta wait a week to get back.

Think I can keep my sanity and maybe even learn a few things about friendship? Will I even go so far as to make friends with these fruity little wimps and risk life and limb to help them when they accepted me and took me in as their friend? Will I find out who I can really trust and learn who I can't? Well then ya'd better start readin' if ya know what's good for ya! Capiche?

Rated Teen for violence, language and explosions involving "F-bombs"
Cover Art Courtesy of thelunarqueen.deviantart.com

Published 2013-09-01 04:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-07 16:34:28 UTC

Chapter 2: Not What I Had In Mind

Chapter Two: Not What I Had In Mind

Chapter Two: Not what I Had In Mind

So I'm dead.  I just drowned in a park water fountain and I'm in Heaven or some kinda paradise.  Funny how that worked out on account of my having taken other human lives.  I don't care how it happened, all I know is that I'm here and I kinda like it.  My clothes are still soaked but hey, nothing taking a little walk in my new paradise can't fix.

Pretty close to the pond I just crawled out of, there was this nice little trail leading into a flowery meadow.  After just a few minutes of walking, I even came across this cute little stone bridge going over a little crick.  I'm feeling on top of the world for a while, stopping here and there smelling flowers and whatnot until an all too familiar feeling came over me.  The feeling that it's been long enough since you've had some smoke going down your throat.  Time to get my fix of nicotine and hope I'm able to before I came across somebody else and take my frustration out on them.  I reached into my now slightly damp jacket on my suit and pulled out my pack of smokes hoping that they had fared better than the rest of me.  I ended up pulling out nothing but disappointment.  My cigarettes were destroyed.

"Shit"  I said to myself.  "If I'm in Heaven, why do I still even have cravings?"

At least I wasn't in any pain...yet.  I was soon to find the cold truth that changed everything.

"WHOA-oof!"  I grunted as I tripped over a rock, and fell flat on my stomach and bashed my shin.

"HISSSSSSS...AAAUUUUUGGGHHHH!...HISSSSSS...AAAUUUUUGGGHHHH!"

If I had learned anything in church when I went as a kid, it was that pain doesn't exist in Heaven.  something was wrong here.  Really, really wrong.  I was sitting on my ass, massaging my shin and whining like a little bitch and I was getting a bit concerned and really hoping nobody saw me acting like a pussy.

"HI!"  a squeaky little voice said behind me, catching me off guard.  Before I could turn around, the voice again spoke.  I've never seen you around here before and-"

Before the voice finished, I was now standing back up with my fists ready to start swinging and turned around to face...nobody.

"what the fuck?"  I said.

"wow!  you stand on Two legs?"  the voice spoke again.

I was starting to think that I was going crazy and hearing things.

"down here, silly"

I followed the voice's direction and looked down to what I assumed but still wasn't quite sure was the source.  Looking up at me with big blue eyes was some type of a...some kinda...animal...like a equine sort of thing.  It kinda reminded me of that pegasus statue on the fountain except it had no wings...and it was fuckin' pink!  It was a tiny little pink horse-like creature and it was talking in this squeaky little friggin' voice that both startled and annoyed the hell outta me at the same time.  At this point, I'm still staring down at this pony thing to really process what I was seeing.

"Oh wow!"  the thing said.  "you must be one of those human things my friend Twilight told me about!"

My eyes and ears did not deceive me.  this mini horse was talking to me and proceeded to go on a rant as if it were on crack.

"you see, a friend of mine went though a portal to another universe and when she came back she told us about these creatures that walked on two legs that were called humans or something and this is weird so then I heard somepony over here whining about being hurt or something so I came over to see If anypony needed help and I saw you and said 'HI' and that's when you stood up and now we're here and this is soooooo cool that I get to see what my friend was talking about and have you met my friend when she went to your world her name is Twilight spar-you okay?"

THUD!

I figured It was all just a dream.  I'm just lying down here in the park after Fatman and Hobblin' tore me a new one and I'm just gonna sleep it off.  Soon I'll be able to wake up and this will all be over.

SPLOOSH!  "aaahhh, fuck!"  I yelled as I jolted out of my sleep.  I had just had some crazy dream about falling into a central park fountain and coming out of a pond and now I'm waking up to some dead jerk throwing water in my face.  Still lying on the ground, I leaned up to see that friggin' pony from my dream with a bucket in it's...hoof!  how the hell does it hold onto a bucket with a hoof?  a fucking hoof!

"you fainted"  the pink stained horse said to me with this stupid little smile.  "let's start over.  HI!  I'm Pinkie Pie!"

Well at least there's something that makes a shred of logical sense.  What I'm assuming was the thing's name suited it or her quite well.  A bit too predictable but at this point, I was thinking that predictable was a good thing.

"what's the matter?"  the pony asked me.  "cat got your tongue?"

I finally decided that I wasn't gonna get anywhere unless I communicated with the talking hoofed animal and said the first thing that came to my mind and a very important topic it was indeed.

"uhh Ok, 'Pinkie Pie' "  I stuttered.  "let me ask you this.  where can I get a pack of cigarettes around here?"

"ciga-who-da-whatnow?"  the pony replied.  "what's that?"

"Ok listen, Pink weirdo"  I retorted  "I'm gonna be nice and give you a more than fair warning.  I'm in serious need of a nicotine fix.  you're just an innocent little animal and I'd rather not hurt you if I can help it.  So if you know what's good for your own well being, you'll get the fuck outta my sight until further noticed!"

The Pony then gave me a confused look.  "what's a fuck?"  it asked me  "you've said that like five times already.  what does it mean?"

End Chapter Two

Chapter 3: Walking Dictionary

Chapter Three: Bipedal Dictionary

Chapter Three: Bipedal Dictionary

"I TOLD YOU TO FUCK OFF!"  I screamed in the pink creatures face with mine now as dark pink as her weird...uhh...mane?...I guess?  What pissed me off even more is that it still had that blood boiling little "cutsie" smile while I was shouting at it.

"and I told you that since you peaked my curiosity about this 'fuck' word, I just might keep following you until you tell me what it means, silly"  the pony replied.  "oh and you're going the wrong way.  Ponyville is that way.  wait!  don't go back into that pond.  If I follow you in there, I might not come back out.  I didn't bring my swimming flippers!"

This talking pony was seriously testing my patience and simply would not take the hint that I wanted to be left alone.  I figured it would make sense that I got into this world through this pond so I could get back to New York the same way as I jumped back in to try to find the bottom.  It proved to be a big waste of time when I dove to about six feet and found just a plain gravel bottom with no sign of any way to get back.  I just couldn't understand this because I came up from over thirty feet.  Nothing made sense anymore.  I went back up to the surface and crawled back to the bank where once again, I met face to face with that pain in the ass who called herself "Pinkie Pie".

"hello again"  the pony said.  "you really should be careful in there.  my Pinkie Sense tells me that there's a Gack!"

"now I want you to listen to me very carefully"  I said through my teeth with my hand around the pony's throat.  "unless the next thing that comes outta your mouth is something that can help me get back home or about somebody who can help me, I suggest you shut it.  understand?"

The pony then nodded in agreement and I let go of it's neck.  It then proceeded to take a few steps back and give me a very frightened look, apparently having gotten my point.  It continued to stare at me with it's lips quivering and then started to quietly speak again.

"um...I...uhhh"  the pony said.  "my f-friend, Twilight Sparkle could probably help you"

For some reason I was overcome by a feeling not new to me but never came as easy as it had that time.  I felt guilty for grabbing this pony's throat, scaring and maybe even somewhat hurting it.  As annoying as this thing was and weather it talks or not, it was still just a small animal that never caused me any harm and I had just choked it.

"listen, kid I-"  I started to say to the pony.  "I-I'm sorry about that.  I'm just really stres-"

"Okie dokie lokie!"  the pony cut me off with a sudden change in her demeanor.  "apology accepted!"

I didn't see that coming.  I said "sorry" just once and that was enough to get the pony back to her annoying, smiling self again.  come to think of it, that kinda made me feel like even more of an asshole.  I'd better snap outta this before I start going all soft.

"uh, wow"  I said, dumbfounded.  "just like that?  I wrap my hand around your neck and we're cool?

"sure!"  the pony replied.  "I was starting to think you were upset about something anyway"

"oh yeah?  no shit"

"wow, you're just full of new words.  and I though my friend Twilight had a big vocabulary"

"uh yeah, about this 'Twilight'.  you said that, uh, I wanna assume she, could probably help me figure out this mess?"

"uh huh"

"alright, cool.  so where do I find this friend of yours?"

"follow me!"

As quick as a bullet, the pony turned around and didn't walk, trot nor gallop but bounce over onto the trail I had begun to walk down before.  She was quickly getting far ahead of me and I couldn't afford to lose any potential help so I had to nearly sprint to catch up.  So there I was playing follow the leader with a friggin' pony and I wasn't the one in the front.  After a few minutes of following the little pink horse, we came across a large wooden sign.

Welcome To Ponyville

Population 532

I really hope the other five hundred thirty one are humans.  Yeah right!  We entered this little "town" with ponies all over the place...and not a single on of them was a normal color.  Even more surprising, some of them had wings like the pegasus statue on my favorite Central Park fountain.  some of them had twisted horns on top of their heads too.  Weird.  They seemed to agree that something was weird too.  It was apparent that they'd never seen a human being before.  I was getting a lot of stares as I was walking through and passing by.  I realized I was getting a bit too distracted and called out to the pink one.

"hey hold up!"  I yelled.  "don't get so far ahead!"

"then don't fall so far behind, fuckface!"  the pony giggled.

"Ha!  I'm actually starting to like your attitude, kid"   I said as I ran to catch up.  "you've got balls"

"You bet I do!"  she replied to me as she pulled large inflatable ball out of nowhere and threw it in a random direction.  "I've got secret stashes of all kinds of balls all over Ponyville!  Pinkie Pie by the way"

After hearing Pinkie Pie's hilarious and oblivious reply, something went very wrong with me all of a sudden.  I felt like I was having some kinda seizure along with a turrets syndrome episode and pain in my sides.  I began involuntarily yelling "ha" over and over and I couldn't stop.  I've had this happen before but the last time it did was over thirty years ago when I was a teenager.  When I finally calmed down, I looked over to Pinkie Pie to see her with a clipboard in her hoof and a pencil in her mouth.

"wup!  Ifts offiffshull"  she said while she was writing on the clipboard.  "I cam mage amypomy waff!"  Ptooey!

"well shit, I can honestly say I needed that.  I feel like I just shed every hunk of lead out of my body.  but anyway, Pinkster-"

"It's Pinkie Pi-'Pinkster'?  I like that!  that sounds like something my other friend Rainbow Dash would call me.  I wonder why she hasn't"

"heh heh,  like I was saying.  looks like everybod-err 'everypony' else isn't too thrilled about me being here so if you could just slow down a bit so I can keep up with you, you'll be a 'made' pony.  you capiche?"

"when you get time, you'll have to tell me about those cool new words.  let's go, shithead"

End Chapter Three

Chapter 4: Take Me To Your Leader

Chapter Four: Take Me To Your Leader

Chapter Four:  Take Me To Your Leader

"So if ya wanna use it as an insult, there's a lot of ways to do that"  I said to Pinkie as we continued our walk through this Ponyville.  "for example if you want to dismiss somebody you can say 'fuck off' or 'go fuck yourself'.  or you can put it together with another word and say something like 'fuckhead' or something"

"cool!  so when I called you 'fuckface' earlier, that's another word combo?"  Pinkie asked me.  "but then that means I insulted you right?"

"well not necessarily.  you said it in a playful, joking manner.  in that case, it's just you messin' around is all"

"neato!  how about when I said 'shithead'?"

"yeah that's another good example.  but again I could tell you were just messin' around so no offense taken"

I was walking alongside a pony in a town full of ponies, having an intellectual conversation with a pony and teaching said pony about the versatility of swear words.  Wow.  At this point though, I was actually starting to get a kick outta this.  This Pinkie Pie who I had just nicknamed "Pinkster" was actually turning out to be alright.  It certainly was a sigh of relief to get a whiff of cinnamon rolls when we walked past this weird building with a sign that read "sugarcube corner" indicating that I'm not stuck in a world with nothing to eat but hay.

"see that shop over there?"  Pinkie asked me.  "that's sugarcube corner.  I work there"

"I assume it's a bakery?"

"you assumed right!  they have all kinds of baked goodies like cupcakes and muffins and pie and cookies and cak-"

"how about cannolis?"

"never heard of those so probably not"

"is that a fact?  well then I think I can help with that.  we'll have to stop by that place later"

"okie dokie lokie.  hey!  I just thought of something!"

"what's that, Pinkster?"

"you never told me your name"

"Vincenzo Scungilli.  just call me Vinnie though"

"ok then.  well, we're here.  this is Twilight's library"

Pinkie had her hoof pointed in the direction of a huge weird looking tree.

"where?  you mean that tree?"

"uh huh"

"oh yeah, I see that door there.  I suppose next you're gonna tell me that elves who bake the cheap, crappy cookies around here live there right?"

"what's an elve?"

"never mind.  I'll explain later"

"okie dokie lokie"

She then trotted up to the chest high door on the side of the hugest tree I've ever seen and gave a few good knocks.

"Spike, would you get that?"  a feminine voice said from behind the door.

"sure thing, boss"  said another voice that sounded more like a male but much younger.

the door opened and out came one of the craziest looking things I ever saw.  It was a tiny little bipedal reptilian creature that stood about knee height.  Most of it's body was light purple with it's belly a very light green with darker green fin-like scales jutting out of the top of it's head.

"oh hi, Pinkie Pie"  the small lizard said not noticing me as the door had not been opened wide enough.  "what brings you over today?"

"Hi Spike"  Pinkie greeted.  "I wanted to talk to Twilight about something.  remember when the two of you went through that mirror in Canterlot that lead to a different world?"

"yeah!"  the reptile apparently named Spike replied.  "and what a heck of a few days that was.  why do you ask?"

Pinkie then grabbed the door and swung it open the rest of the way revealing me standing next to her.

"does this look familiar?"  She asked him.

"holy guacamole!"  Spike gasped not out of fear but more fascination.  "hey Twilight!  remember that thing with the portal and the dimension and me as a dog?"

"um, yeah"  said the feminine voice sounding like it was coming from upstairs.  "what about it?"

"you gotta check this out!"  Spike replied.

The door was about up to my chest so I had to bend down a bit to get a look at the inside and to meet Pinkie's friend who could possibly help me out.  Inside there was a curved staircase and coming down them was a light purple pony with a mane and tail with different darker shades of purple.  As she was coming closer, I noticed that she had one of those weird unicorn horns on her head and a set of wings too.  I didn't see any others like that when I was walking through town.  Seeming how that was the case and on account of Pinkie telling me she could help I put two and two together and got something figured out.  She must have been their leader.  She was now standing at the door looking up at me not showing any emotion for some reason.  Just a straight look on her face awkwardly staring up at me until her purple eyes suddenly rolled back into her head.

THUD!

"Aww shit!"  Pinkie said.  "not again!"

"what's a shit?"  the so called "Spike" asked

"Vinnie will explain.  now where's that bucket?"

A Few Minutes Later

SPLOOSH! "hey!"  Twilight yelled.  "Pinkie, what was that for?!"

"you fainted, silly"  Pinkster replied.

"I did?  how did that happen?"

"dunno.  I guess you were startled or surprised by something"

"well I had some weird dream that I saw a human from that other world I went to"

"ahem" I cleared my throat grabbing her attention.  "hi, I'm Vinnie"

I was sitting on a sofa next to Spike showing him my snub-nose .38 revolver that I forgot that I had in an ankle holster.

"but.  but.  how?"  Twilight asked me dumbfounded.  "how did you get here?  Princess Celestia told me that the portal in Canterlot only opens every thirty years!"

"not now, Twilight!"  Spike retorted.  "he's showing me this cool thing called a gun!"

"alright, listen"  I said, desperate for answers.  "I'm the one here who needs to get some shit taken care of.  If anybody needs answers it's me.  I really don't belong here"

It was true, I didn't belong there even though the pink pony and even the purple lizard I was talking to were actually pretty cool to hang out with.  I needed to get back to reality and try to figure a way back to my world so the less attached I got to anybody the better.

"actually, Twilight"  Pinkie started in.  "he didn't come from that portal.  he just crawled out of that pond just east of here"

"whoa!  back up, Pinkie"  Twilight replied.  "you mean to tell me that there are more of those?"

"I sure as shit do"

"sure as what?"

"shit.  it's a word that they use in Vinnie's world.  he's told me about tons of 'em.  there's also 'damn' and 'fuck' and 'prick' and 'asshole' and cu-"

"ok, Pinkster"  I chuckled as I covered her mouth.  "that's enough lessons for today.  seeming how that we're in a library, lets start hitting some books about portals so I can go home"

"that sounds like a plan"  Twilight said.  "you said your name was Vinnie?  that sounds different.  it's a shame that you're in such a hurry though, I've got tons of questions to ask you"

"how about you ask while we're doing our little research project here?  I'm not planning on being here for too long"

"alright, I'll start gathering any books that might help.  Spike, write a letter to the Princess.  this is huge!"

End Chapter Four

Chapter 5: Paint This Town, You're Stuck Here!

Chapter Five: Paint This Town, You're Stuck Here!

Chapter Five:  Paint This Town, You're Stuck Here!

"Whadda ya mean you can't find anything?!"  I yelled in disbelief at the purple pony leader.  "whassa matta with you?!"

"I meant what I said, Vinnie"  Twilight replied.  "We've gone through every book that covers portals and then every book that doesn't.  Ergo, we've read every single book in the library!"

"are you holding out on me?!"

"what?  Oh no no no no no!  listen, you've got to trus-"

"cause if you are, you're gonna fuckin' regret it"

As soon as I finished that sentence, I was the one having regrets on account of I had just threatened the leader of a world of which I was a stranger.  Oddly enough however, they didn't seem to take it as seriously as I would have expected.

"Vinnie, dude" Spike said.  "Chill the fuck out.  she's not keeping anything from you"

"yeah c'mon" Pinkie said.  "cool your shit"

"alright alright alright!" I started in.  "I'm calm.  I'm just cool as a cucumber"  losing hope that I would find answers, I plopped my ass back on the sofa.  "so whadda we do now?"

"Spike"  Twilight said.  "any word from the princess yet?"

"sorry, boss"  Spike answered.  "nothing yet.  but um.  well wasn't she gone on some political tour or something?"

"oh shoot, I forgot!  she just left for Saddle Arabia this morning and she's supposed to be there for a week!"

"ok but why aren't you using these cool new words Vinnie's been saying?"

"that's not important, Spi-"

"uh I don't mean to be a prick"  I interrupted. "but who's this 'princess' you're talking about?  and what does that have to do with me?"

"Princess Celestia"  Twilight answered.  "she's the ruler of Equestria"

"oh so that's not you then?"

"no it's not"

"ok, so you're telling me that until she gets back from that trip, I'm stuck here for a week?"

"I'm afraid so.  until then, you can stay here at our library"

"I can stay here?  no shit!  ya know, for a bunch of fruity little namby pamby wusses, you guys are alright"

"uhh, I'll take that as a compliment I guess"

"heh, yeah you go ahead and do that, sparks"

"sparks?  hmm.  I wonder why my brother has never called me that.  that sounds like something he'd say"

"hey cool, Twilight!"  Pinkie said.  "he's got a nickname for you too!  mine's 'Pinkster'!"

"well If I'm gonna be stuck here for a bit, then I might as well make the best of it"  I said.  "care to give me a tour of the town?"

"You bet your ass I care!  let's go!  I'll introduce you to all my other friends!"

"wait!"  Twilight said before Pinkster and myself went out the door.  "before you go, I fixed these things for you"

All of a sudden, I saw my pack of cigarettes floating right in front of my face and they were as good as new.

"what the fuck?!"  I snapped in disbelief.

"oh sorry"  Twilight answered  "I probably should have told you about unicorn magic first.  I and others with a horn like this can levitate objects"

"OH MY GOD MY SMOKES!"  I yelled as I immediately lit up and inhaled.  As I blew out a cloud of smoke after hours upon hours of withdrawal, I felt better than I had before I even got to this fucked up place which was starting to prove to be not all that bad.  Although I had gone too long without my precious nicotine, it still didn't excuse me being an asshole to these...ponies.  I've gotta take it for what it's worth and appreciate their hospitality even though it'll take a while for them to help me get outta here.  Still, I can't afford to get too attached to "anypony" while I'm here.

"thank you so much!"  I said to the purple Twilight as I knelt down to her level to hug her.

"it's no cough pro-cough blem, Vinnie"  she replied as she tried to wave the smoke away with her hoof.  "I hope you have a fun night on our cough town!  Just stick with Pinkie and you are guaranteed to have fun."

A few minutes of running and stopping for a breather later

"so Pinkster"  I panted as I stood there trying to catch my breath.  "what's there huff to do puff around here?"

"well"  Pinkie started.  "what do you want to do?"

Thinking about it for a moment, I looked down at my now dry but filthy, torn up clothes.

"I don't suppose you have any clothing shops around with something that would fit somebody like me would ya?"

"none that would have anything in stock but I know somepony who could make something for you!  This way"

"hold up!  not so fast!  listen Pinkster, I know you don't do slow but if you want me to keep up, you'll have to just bear with me.  I'm not that young ya know"

"sorry, Vinnie.  I'll slow down a bit.  I'd like to introduce you to all of my friends tonight but I'm worried you won't like my friend Rainbow Dash with that attitude"

"I'll worry about that later.  I just need a change of clothes"

"to the Carousel Boutique!"

A comic book style transition later

"wow!"  I said in awe at the structure I stood before.  "this is a store?

"yeah, this is the Carousel Boutique"  Pinkie Replied.  "my friend Rarity runs it.  she's super good at making new outfits so you being a two-legger shouldn't be a problem for her"

"whoa, ease up on the labels, Pinkster!"

"oops, sorry.  bipedal individual"

"that's better"

"okie dokie lokie!  she's only open for about another half hour now so lets get you some new duds"

Instead of knocking this time, Pinkster opened the door and went right in.  Of course it made sense seeming how it was a retail establishment open to the public during business hours.

"wait here while I go get her ok?"  Pinkie said to me.  "I just want to explain what she'll be working with"

Pinkie then left the door open just a crack behind her and went inside to talk to this "Rarity" character.  All I heard coming from inside the carnival ride building that would never pass building code where I come from, was the muffled sounds of the Pinkster talking to another more sophisticated sounding female voice.  After just a few seconds of the two voices taking turns, the unfamiliar voice started getting louder and started sounding more excited with each exchange between the two.  Suddenly, I heard what sounded like a "fangirl" squeal followed by the sound of a set of hooves galloping towards the door at full pace.  I soon learned a very important lesson on the dangers of one putting their ear too close to a door with a pony sprinting over to it.

SMACK!

"where is he then, darling?"  the voice said behind the door that had just plowed into my face and tossed me to the other side.  "Pinkie, you said I was going to get to make an outfit for one of those bipedal beings that Twilight told us about!  I should have known you would be one to pull jokes like this.  you got me all worked up for not-"

"I'm over here!"  I yelled while laying in a small bush on the other side of the open door.  "and I'll expect a damn good discount for my busted nose by the way!"

After a moment of awkward silence, the door slowly began to close a little bit and a white pony with a purple mane poked her head from the other side.  This one had one of those twisted horns on her head and looked as if she took a lot of pride in her hairdo.  While I was laying in the small shrub wiping blood from my nose, the pony gave me the same blank stare that Twilight gave me before.  Fainting seemed to be a popular fad today so I was expecting it to happen again.  Instead, to my surprise, her eyes just lit up as if she were looking at the eighth wonder of the world.

"Oh do come in!"  Rarity said as I stood up holding a tissue over my bloody nose.  "I'll just get  you measured up and while I do that I'll also try to fix that dreadful makeup on your face.  That wouldn't be my choice in lipstick but I'll be more than happy to show you how to properly appl-"

"Or you can try fixing my fuckin' nose you moron!"  I interrupted.  "I'd rather stop this 'lipstick' from gushing outta my head!"

"Oh dear, I'm ever so sorry about that!  I'll try to be quick.  I can get you a new outfit made and send you to one of our friends who can help you with your nose"

Before I knew it, I was bending down going through another door, and I was inside this merry go round with a measuring tape being levitated around me.

"hmm...ok six hooves and four trots in height"  Rarity muttered to herself giving me a sigh of relief due to a measuring system similar to what I'm used to.  Seeming how I'm six feet and four inches in my world, I just put two and two together.  "aaaaand thirty-eight trots at the waist.  hmmm.  I think I have all the measurements I need.  Hold this towel on your face for now, dear.  uh what was your name now?

"It's Vinnie"  I replied as I applied slight pressure to my wound.  "no fancy crap.  I just want a casual, night on the town outfit, that's all"

"IDEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAA!"

Rarity then went over to a small table with a sewing machine on it, levitated a few stacks of fabric and started putting shit together.

Ten Minutes Later

"well?"  Rarity said to me.  "what do you think?"

What at first I thought would take all day and end up postponing my night on this nice little town only took a few minutes with amazing results.  I was staring at this two legged  mannequin that was also not there a few minutes ago with my new outfit.  It was a spiffy looking casual dark blue jacket with a black pair of slacks and a fedora.

"holy shit!"  I said, my bloody nose no longer bleeding completely forgotten about.  "I like it!"

"I'm ever so glad you do.  It's not my best work since I've never made an outfit for a human before but I'll be more than happy to try again anytime"

"I'm gonna be here for a week so you'll have plenty of time for that.  how much do I owe ya, Gem?"

"oh don't you worry about tha- Gem?  hmm, I never thought about having a nickname before but I think that suits me quite well"

"yeah I thought so too.  I just noticed that everybody has these tats on their sides so I guess that works for you.  I'm not planning on taking no for an answer though"  I pulled out my wallet and from it I pulled out a wad of twenty dollar bills.  "that kick ass outfit is gonna be paid for.  how does five hundred sound?"

"being the element of generosity, I will not accept any payme- what are those?"

"Ah.  I keep forgetting I'm not in New York anymore.  what do you guys use for currency around here?"

"BITS!"  Pinkster shouted as she popped out of a box startling me and Gem.  "and they look like this"

Pinkster then tossed a coin to me to which I caught from the air.  It was about the size of a nickel and It was a shiny gold and very heavy.

"uh, is this gold?"

"uh huh"

"as in pure one-hundred percent?"

"you betcha!"

"any businesses hiring?  It'd be cool if I could get a few of these to take back home with me"

"sugarcube corner is!  we've been super busy lately because it's cider season and everypony wants some baked goods when they get sloshed"

"sloshed?  you mean to tell me you guys get drunk?"

"yup!  but only if you're old enough"

"I almost wanna say I'll be sad to leave.  I could use a drink"

"well we gotta get that shnozz fixed first.  my friend Fluttershy is good at that stuff"

"now that you mention that, it still hurts like a mother fucker.  where's she at?"

"she lives in a cottage on the outskirts of town"

"alright, sounds like a plan"  I then turned to Rarity now dubbed "Gem".  "hey thanks for everything, Gem.  see ya around"

"oh you'll see me very soon"  Rarity replied.  "I'm about to close up shop and head right over to Sweet Apple Acres before Rainbow Dash drinks all of the cider.  she gets very aggressive this time of year ever since these crooked salesponies came to town a while back so I don't want to go without a much needed drink.  if you need a release, then you simply must try their cider"

"sure, I'll check it out.  their cider foams right?"

"but of course"

"good, because where I'm from, ponies get drunk from just eating apples.  I guess they ferment in their stomachs somehow and turn into alcohol"

"whoa hold up!"  Pinkster cut in.  "there are ponies in your world too?"

"yeah, but they don't talk much and they're actually pretty boring"  I replied.  "they also tend to bite.  ugh, I'm still shaking from that time when my Ma took me to a petting zoo for my fifth birthday.  I didn't have a fighting chance when that thing got a hold of me"

"she sounds like a complete son of a bitch"  Gem said, finally catching on to my cursing lessons with the Pinkster.  "such violent behavior gives the civilized beings like us a bad name"

"alright, well the more I talk, the more pain I'm bringin' on.  we're cool by the way, Gem.  see ya later, capiche?"

On the Outskirts Of Ponyville

"This is gonna be tricky, Vinne"  Pinkie said to me as we came across another house made out of a tree on the edge of the forest.  "Fluttershy is very kind but she's also a super scaredy pony"

"aww c'mon Pinkster"  I replied jokingly.  "sure I might be something she's never seen before but I'm not that scary"

"Oh it's not you, it's her"

"really?  she's that much of a wuss?  I find that hard to believe"

"she's a pegasus and she's scared of heights"

"ok, that does sound pretty weak.  but can't you just do what you did at Gem's place and talk to her before you let her know I'm here?"

"I'm thinking about it but I'm still not sure she'll stick around very long.  we'll have to just try it and hope for the best"

Pinkster and I then walked up to the door of this little cottage and she gave a few subtle knocks as I took a step to the side as to avoid startling this Fluttershy.  The top portion of the door opened slowly just a crack and within a few seconds, the rest of the way.

"Oh hi, Pinkie"  a very quiet voice said.  "I though you would be at Sweet Apple Acres on a day like thi- I.  Oh wait I didn't mean it like that.  I wasn't trying to imply that you drink too much, I'm sorry, that came out wrong"

"Fluttershy, c'mon!"  Pinkie replied.  "you're acting like we just met.  as long as you've known me, you should know that you can openly talk about my party habits all the fuck you want!"

"oh ok.  thanks, Pinkie.  what's a fuck though?"

At this point, still standing to the side out of fluttershy's view, I was having a hard time keeping myself from busting out in laughter.  I could only cover my mouth so much due to my injured nose.

"anyways"  Pinkie continued.  "I have a friend who needs your help with something"

"oh really?"  the shy one replied now sounding more enthusiastic.  "what do they need help with?"

Pinkie Pie then inhaled a huge gulp of air and went on another crack rant.

"Earlier today I met one of those humans that Twilight told us about and he's stuck here until the princess comes back from her tour his name is Vinnie by the way so I took him to see Rarity to get himself a new outfit 'cause he'll be around for a week but when Rarity opened the door he got his nose smashed in and was bleeding all over the place but he really needed the new clothes even though ponies don't usually were clothes but I guess humans usually do so we got his outfit and I told him you could help bandage his nose for him and now we're here"

"um, ooookayyyy"  Fluttershy Said.  "so where is he?"

"BANG!"  I yelled as I jumped out from a bush with my gun pointed in the yellow winged pony's face.  If there was anything I had learned from being in my line of work for so long, was that if you were going to pull a prank and scare the shit outta somebody with a gun, take the shells out first.

From what Pinkster had told me about her friend, I expected her to be flopping to the floor very quickly but instead stared up at me with her big green eyes and her frown very slowly turned into a tiny little smile.  I didn't see that coming.

"Vinnie, you asshole!"  Pinkie yelled as I lowered my revolver.  "I told you not to startle her!  what the fuck where you thinki-"

"It's ok, Pinkie"  the yellow pegasus with the light pink mane interrupted.  "he just enjoys a good joke like you do.  come on in, you two.  I'll go get some bandages and we'll have that nose fixed in no time at all"

The next thing I knew, I was sitting on a tiny wooden stool next to a small table covered with medical supplies including gauze, scalpels, tweezers, a bottle of what I assumed was some type of antiseptic and a pissed off looking little white rabbit.

"so your name is Vinnie?"  Fluttershy asked me.  "that's a very nice name.  so what brings you to Equestria?"

"it was a complete freak accident that I could have gone witho-OOOWWWW!"

"I'm sorry, Vinnie.  I just needed to clean that with this apple alcohol.  it will turn into a nasty infection if I don't"

"alright, that's all fine and dandy but try concentrating on my nose and not my eyes.  it's giving me the creeps"

A Few Minutes of a Pony Awkwardly Staring at My Eyes Later

"Ok, all done!"  Fluttershy said as she held a mirror in front of my face.  "I hope I did ok.  I've never fixed a human before"

"I'll be damned"  I said, very impressed with such precise work all done with big, awkward hooves.  "I hardly even notice anything happened to it!  Thanks a million, Doctorshy!"

"It's no problem at all, Vin- Doctorshy?  hmm, I like that.  that can be my nickname that you and only you call me"

"uh-huh sounds great, yo, Pinkster!  lets get outta here and get wasted like we was plannin' capiche?"

"it was very nice meeting you, Vinnie.  maybe I'll see you two at Applejack's farm later"

"sure, right right right, we're outta here"

A Few Steps Down The Road Later

"so what's the deal with that Fluttershy?"  I asked Pinkie as we walked towards the apple farm.  "did you see how she kept spacing out when she was staring at me like that?  and then she even started blushing"

"dunno"  Pinkie replied.  "she's never acted like that before but I kinda think she's into you"

"well that's a shame.  she's a sweetheart and all but she's not my type.  I mean really not my type, as in not my species"

"yeah, I'll have to think of a way to tell her that without hurting her too much.  now let's go get shitfaced"

"I've taught you well, Pinkster"

End Chapter Five

Chapter 6: Did I Just Party With Ponies?

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 7: Interview With an Equine

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Chapter 8: Some Bits for the Road

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Chapter 9: Got Some Thinking To Do

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Chapter 10: Pastries and Parolees

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Chapter 11: Apple Punch, Shootaloo and Sweetie Bomb

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Chapter 12: Swaggin' Dragon

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Chapter 13: Kickin' The Habit

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Chapter 14: This Means War

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Chapter 15: Time to Take Out the Trash

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Chapter 16: Operation Ponyvasion

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Chapter 17: Boss Battles Suck

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Chapter 18: Where I Truly Belong

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Chapter 1: I Quit the Mob Job

Chapter One: I Want Out

Chapter One: I Want Out

"Vinnie, You're one of my most trusted allies" the don told me as our serious conversation went on.  "I respect your opinion on this, kid really I do but I've gotta ask you to reconsider.  I mean you're even a made man for her holiness' sake!"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Zeppargoni" I said to my boss "but I just can't take it anym-"

"Vinnie, you're like a son to me you know that.  call me Tony"

"y-you really mean that, sir?"

"have I ever told you any shit that I didn't mean as long as you've been working for me?"

"well.  not that I can recall, Mr. Zep-er.  Tony"

"Vincenzo, If this is what you want, after all you've done for me and this family over the years...then you have my blessing, kid.  I'm gonna miss the hell outta you, man.  Wherever you go, I wish you nothing but the best"

So there I was at my boss' place telling him that I'm done with the mob and he wishing me luck on my new beginning.  A forty-six year old Italian hit-man who years ago wouldn't bat an eyelash at the idea of whacking somebody who I would consider a threat or an obstacle and yet there I was no longer able to hold back my tears.

"thank you so much, Tony!  I'm gonna miss you too.  c'mere!"

Tony and I embraced each other in what would be our last hug and I bid him farewell.  I may be considered a tough-guy by many on account I have killed those who openly disagreed with it, but by mob standards, I was just a big softee.  Over the course of twenty-five years, over half my pathetic life, I lived and worked in the criminal underworld that is an organized crime family.  Over that amount of time doing what I was doing, I started thinking about shit a little too deeply.  At first, I could piano wire some prick's head right off without thinking twice about it.  last week I busted some punk's knee with a baseball bat and went home and puked over it.  I couldn't ignore it anymore.  I wanted outta here and I wanted out quick.  I figured it was time to quit while I was ahead and hope to whatever deity exists that it's not too late.  After all, there were still plenty of assholes who wanted nothing more than to present me with a nice pair of concrete boots and one free eternity to sleep with the fishes at the exclusive river floor inn.  There were also others who would prefer to catch me off guard and have something rigged to my car that would result in a fireworks show when I started the engine.  That's another one of my gripes.  It would be nice to not have to look over my shoulder every time I go grocery shopping and worry about somebody putting a magnum in the back of my head.  Leaving the mob was just the start of it all.  It sure as shit doesn't finish anything.  I have to leave the city If I'm gonna find serenity.  I'm thinking a nice country home upstate in a nice small town with a new legal name.  On the other hand, that's still a bit too close.  They've found other guys like me who moved even further away and look how they ended up.  Maybe a little cozy cottage in the mountains of Colorado would do nicely.  Nah, screw that!  I've gotta think of a place where one would at least need a passport to get to.  I decided that I'm going to the old country where my roots are...Italy.

After my conversation with the don, I headed to my apartment to start packing.  this change in my life couldn't wait.  If I was going to leave the city and start over, I had to do it now.  As I walked in the general direction of my place, I did what I always did and hailed a cab and made my way back to say goodbye to the nice twenty-five hundred dollar a month apartment I called home for decades.  It was decent but no palace.  You think that price sounds high?  Well, I guess I forgot to mention that this is New York I'm talking about.  I've had no trouble affording it though.

While I was in the cab, we passed by Central park.  It was still sinking in that this would be the last time I would ever see it again so I ended up losing track of the fact that I had to get outta here quick.  I always loved to just go here and relax and think.

"hey driver, change of plans"  I said.  "since we're passing by the park just drop me off here"  to which he pulled over, I paid the fare and I was just gonna enjoy the park one last time.

My favorite thing to do there was to just stare at the fountain and think.  Not really about anything in particular, but I always ended up getting stuck in deep thought.  At this point I was thinking how Quickly things were gonna change for me.  A guy like me doesn't like to admit he was nervous but I was.  It was a bittersweet moment for me as I knew I was going to miss everything I had known for so long.  After about a half hour of pondering over a few cigarettes, I figured it was about time I got back home to pack up.  That however, proved to be too little too late because, at this point in my ordeal, I was about to get into some really serious trouble.

"Vincenzo Scungilli?"  a familiar voice said behind me.

"who wants to know?  I retorted back as I turned around to face two old rivals and the business end of a glock in my face.

"you haven't forgot about us have ya punk?"  said the gun wielding Joe Hoblini.

"does it really matter, Joe?"  his obese sidekick Luigi Largenassi added.  "this prick's about to have no brains left to remember anything with"

"of course I haven't forgotten you two"  I replied to them with a blood boiling smug grin.  "the two pains in my ass, Fatman and Hobblin' "

That was the nickname I'd given that pathetic duo that had always made the twerpy little Joe so pissed that the gimpy little left leg of his would start involuntarily kicking so hard, he could have kicked an oil drum further than a clydesdale could.  Luigi would always turn red and start to sweat and bitch about being hungry.  My smartass attitude was short lived though because to my surprise, they didn't seem too upset by my insult.  This could only mean one thing.  They knew they had me and they knew they were about to finally turn me into Swiss cheese.

"Vinnie, I'm disappointed" Joe said returning my smug attitude.  "You're off your game.  I've never been able to sneak up on you fast enough hobbling over on this leg of mine"

"I was just thinking about stuff, Joe"  I replied now starting to get worried.  "didn't you hear?  I'm retiring from the mob.  I'm leaving here to make an honest living and just live the rest of my days in peace"

As soon as I was done telling them what I knew for my own good I shouldn't have, they both bust out laughing.

"that's not happening, pal!"  Luigi said.  "ya shoulda thought of that before you fucked with the wrong guys"

"tell ya what"  Joe said as he pushed his 9 mm closer to my forehead.  "I'm a nice guy so I'll just give you a few seconds to say your last words before I splatter you, alright?"

I was determined to get out of the city and start over so I wasn't planning on anybody getting in my way even if that meant I had to kill again just one last time so I decided to go along with it and seize my opportunity.

"well Joe I think I speak for everybody when I say that YOU CAN KISS MY ASS!"

Catching him off guard and proving to them that I still had fight in me I knocked his arm aside causing his gun to go off followed by a firm headbutt to his face, knocking the human toothpick on his ass.  Although it dazed him long enough for me to brace myself for the blob coming after me, nobody wins with a headbutt.  He was fat but he wasn't as slow as one would assume and he proved that when he clothes lined me right into the park's water fountain.  This was my favorite fountain that had a statue of one of my favorite Greek myths.  A winged Pegasus squirting water out of it's mouth.  And this fountain was about to become my grave.  I was sinking in the knee deep water wondering what was to come next.  Were they gonna have mercy and just put one in my head like they were going to at first?  Or did they want to try a new approach by holding my head under until the bubbles stopped?  Either way, this was how It was gonna end.  I opened my eyes under water expecting them to just be blasted out of the sockets and realized something weird was going on.  I had sunken all the way to the bottom of the two foot deep fountain and then some.  I was under six feet of water and counting and speeding up my decent.  I didn't see it coming but I figured this must be what it feels like to die weather I drowned or got my brain popped.  I looked up to see my two killers looking down at me as if they had seen their mothers get blown up in their cars.  For some reason they were quickly getting further and further away and I was sinking deeper and deeper into the pool.  I'm no expert judge of distance but I think I was about 30 feet under by the time that all light visible to me was all gone.  Still holding my breath, I just lay there sinking with nothing else happening until I started to spin around under the water.

"so this is how I'm gonna die"  I thought to myself as I drifted off to Hell.  "flushing like a shit in a toilet bowl without a shred of dignity"

As I was bracing myself for soon meeting the devil, I also began wondering why the newly formed light above me didn't look that bad.  I could almost say that it was beautiful.  And for some reason my spinning came to a stop and I was heading right for the surface.  I began floating back up and at this point I was back up into about fifteen feet under.  All of a sudden, I started getting jolted upward even faster.  So fast that I thought once I reached the surface, I would almost rocket right out of there.  As I finally approached the surface just about to break it, I quit worrying about how or why.  I realized that I still wasn't dead but I would be soon if I couldn't take in a fresh supply of air.

"WHEEEEEZZEE!

Finally, with new oxygen in my lungs I could assess the situation I was in and gather myself to make sense of the whole thing.  I was looking around at my surroundings and asking myself a too many questions for my own good.  What the fuck just happened?  How did it happen?  Did I just break the laws of physics somehow sending the world into a black hole?  Why am I all of a sudden in the middle of a large pond without the statue and no city around me?  What gives with the flower filled meadow with butterflies all over the place?  That wasn't there before!  Before I tired myself out just staying afloat, I knew I had to chill the fuck out and figure out what I had just gotten myself into and swim to shore.  On my way there, I started getting a better look around.  the place I was in looked nothing like any Hell or underworld that I've ever been taught about when I was a kid in church.

At long last, my struggle was over as I pulled myself onto the grassy bank of the pond to lay there on my back to rest for a bit.  Was this it?  Were all the horrible things I had done in life forgiven?  Did I die and go to heaven even though I had robbed, stolen, laundered, smuggled and killed as a career?  For the first time in who knows how long, I felt like I was on top of the world and yelled out what was on my mind.

"THIS PLACE IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN TIMES SQUARE!!!"

End Chapter One