Chapters The Legend of Zelda: A Derp to the Past (The Fanfic Version)
Gee, it sure is boring around here...
Hi there! My name is Derpy Hooves!
So, ok, I’m probably going to have this book copied and send a copy of it to my homeland Equestria, so let me just say, this story might not make any sense.
Why not? Well, not only does it not take place in Equestria, but it doesn’t even take place on our home planet. Or, maybe it does and I’ve gone back in time or something? I don’t know. Either way, none of this happens in the land you know and love. It’s definitely not your typical alien invasion story, but it’s still an interesting one.
Also, for the sake of the humans that will be reading this, since a copy will be made to stay in Hyrule, I’ll be writing this story 3rd person.
This is the story of how I became the chosen hero of Hyrule.
…
In the long chain of Hyrulian history, there were many stories. So many in fact, that one book alone couldn’t possibly be enough to contain it all. So let us begin this tale simply where it begins.
After The Sealing War, where 7 sages worked together to put an end to a great evil, and locked away a golden power given by the gods, Hyrule was at peace. So long as the family line had continued for at least 1 sage, the seal that had kept the world safe would hold.
Little did the land of Hyrule know, that a new section of history, which would forever be known as The Era of Light and Dark, was about to begin.
An evil wizard had been devising a plan to break the seal that the 7 sages had placed. His name was Agahnim. He served as royal wizard to the Hyrulian family that governed this land. One night, Agahnim used his dark magic to lay claim to the royal guards minds. With every guard that was guarding the castle now serving his every whim, he could now fulfill his plan to make the descendants of each sage disappear.
The final descendant was none other than Princess Zelda. But Agahnim had underestimated the skills of this Princess. She knew that he couldn’t have gotten every single guard at the family’s disposal. So Zelda used her magic to send a message to any guards outside of Agahnim’s control. Little did she know, that the same message would be heard by a creature who was no doubt new to the land of Hyrule.
…
Meanwhile, inside a small house just outside of Hyrule Castle, a small grey pegasus mare with a blonde mane was awoken from her sleep. She heard the voice of an innocent girl.
“Help me… Please help me… I am a prisoner in the dungeon of the castle. My name is Zelda. The wizard Agahnim has done something to the other missing girls. Now only I remain… Agahnim has seized control of the castle and is now trying to open the 7 wise men’s seal… I am in the dungeon of the castle. Please help me…”
The young pegasus mare got up, her eyes wide hoping to see who was talking to her. Looking at her now, you could see she had crossed eyes. She couldn’t help her eyes looking this way however, having been born with this problem.
The owner of this house, who insisted the young pegasus refer to him as “Uncle”, looked at her. He assumed she’d been woken up from the thunder outside. It was currently raining after all.
“Derpy, I’m going out for a while. I’ll be back by morning. Stay in bed. I know the lightning is scary, but you’ll be safe in here." Uncle walked over to the door, stopping a few feet away to speak more. "We still don’t know where you came from, or this fabled Equestria of which you speak, but I know we can find some answers tomorrow at the library. I promise I shall return.”
Derpy knew something wasn’t right. Uncle had a look about him that said something serious was going on. She decided that he must’ve heard the same voice, confirming that it wasn’t a dream. She looked around the house, hoping to find something, anything that may help in her quest.
She also broke 3 pots to see if anything was inside them, but that was ok. Uncle said pots would always magically reappear in Hyrule, which Derpy learned to be true after clumsily breaking one when she’d first visited Kakariko Village.
Seeing there was nothing in those 3 pots she broke, which made her wonder why they were even there in the first place, Derpy looked in the treasure chest at the right side of the house. Inside was a lantern. It didn’t sound too useful since it was raining outside, but she kept it anyway, thinking she may have to use it later.
She looked out the window to make sure Uncle had walked away far enough, and then left the house, ready to do whatever she could to help Uncle save Princess Zelda.
...
She walked out of Uncle’s house and into the rain. The lightning was scary, but so was the idea of Uncle trying to save Zelda by himself. Derpy could tell that he was older than the average guard. Hoping to get out of the rain soon, Derpy quickly began trotting through the muddy ground, only to notice there were guards blocking the way to Kakariko village. Wondering what they were up to, Derpy trotted up to them and asked what they were doing.
“What are you doing?” The guard on the right ironically said. “You were given orders to stay in that guard’s house.”
Derpy raised an eyebrow. “How did you know that? Uncle literally just left the house.”
The guards looked to each other. One looking annoyed, the other looking satisfied. “Told you he’d be that desperate for family.” Said the guard on the left.
The guard on the right sighed. “I didn’t think he was actually going to have a pony call him Uncle.”
The left guard chuckled. “Too bad, you owe me 20 rupees anyway.”
Derpy was obviously confused. “What are you talking about? I only call him Uncle because he wanted me to!”
“Exactly!” Said the guard on the left. “That poor old man lost himself the moment his nephew died. Now he’s so desperate he’ll even pretend a house pet is related to him.”
Derpy was turning red with anger. “Who are you calling a house pet!? I am an INTELLIGENT BEING!!!”
The guard on the right shrugged. “Either way, don’t expect him to come back. Lord Agahnim has no need for a foolish old man.”
Quickly remembering why she left in the first place, and now being even more worried, Derpy galloped as fast as her hooves could take her to the castle.
…
The entrance was too heavily guarded for Derpy to get past. Not to mention her only means of defense was a lantern. While looking for an alternate route, she heard another message from Zelda.
“Quickly! I am in the dungeon of the castle. There is a hidden path outside that leads to the inside.”
Luckily for Derpy, she knew where the path was. Uncle had given her a tour around the castle to cheer her up when she had expressed her distaste for all the Hyrulians that treated her like a freak. She used her memory to find her way. Looking around for an entrance, she noticed that one bush had stone surrounding it in the shape of a square. After pulling the bush, she could now clearly see the trap door just beneath it. She questioned how a bush could even grow on a wooden door like this, but decided to shrug it off, knowing this world was nothing like her own. She lifted the trap door and jumped in.
…
Derpy landed in a hallway with a flooded floor. This definitely looked like a secret passage. She heard some familiar coughing, and galloped to where it was coming from.
She saw Uncle, sitting against the wall, covered in blood, with fatal wounds. “Uncle!” Derpy shouted, running to his side.
“Derpy… *cough* I didn’t want you to see me like this.”
“Uncle, please don’t die. I didn’t even get to learn your real name!”
He faintly chuckled. “What’s in a name? *cough* *cough* *wheeze* There’s something else I want to tell you… Something more important to me.” He reached into his shirt and pulled out a green cap. “Bring Princess Zelda to Sanctuary, and give this cap to the sage who guards it. Tell him… Uncle gave it to you. He’ll know what it means and tell you what you need to know. *cough* *cough* *cough* Please… It’s dangerous to go alone, take my sword and shield.”
Derpy shook her head, tears flowing from her wall eyes. “Don’t talk like that! You can’t die! I barely know you, and yet you’ve been so nice to me!”
He smiled sadly. “Everything will be clear soon. *cough* *cough* Derpy… I know… You’ll find a way… back to your home……..”
Derpy gasped, checking everywhere for a pulse, but finding none. She cried more. “UNCLE!!!” She shouted, crying while pushing her head into his chest. She had no idea how long she’d been crying by his side, but when she’d finished, her sorrow turned into anger. “Someone’s going to pay!”
She strapped the blue shield to her right hoof, and tied the sword’s scabbard to her back. Having no pockets to store the green cap she’d been given, she simply placed it a top her head, and turned to the nearby exit. “Don’t worry Uncle. Whoever did this will PAY!!” She said with malice in her eyes.
The Legend of Zelda: A Derp to the Past (The Fanfic Version)
It's just an enemy sprite... right?
On the look out for the one who killed Uncle, Derpy walked through the door way. She wasn’t quite sure how she was holding a sword in her left hoof, but she didn’t really care. Everypony in Equestria knew that hooves somehow defied such logic. She did however wonder how she was carrying a lantern when, like previously mentioned, she didn’t have pockets. But she could ask someone that later.
Right now, she only cared about where to find the killer. In front of her was a flight of stairs that lead to the floor above. And to her left was a guard. His sword was perfectly polished, clearly not used. Still, maybe she could get some answers.
She tip-hooved over to the guard while his back was turned, then bucked his helmet with her hind hooves, knocking him down to the stone floor. A loud groan and the clatter of his armor was all the response he could muster. She flipped him over so his back was to the ground, and his face to hers.
“Who killed the man in the hallway behind me!?” She lifted her sword. “You have 10 seconds to tell me!”
There was a period of silence, and then a chuckle from the guard. The chuckle turned into a cackle, and then to the laugh of a madman, filled with the desire to cut something while smiling. Derpy could only see the guard’s eyes through his helmet, but she knew he was insane. “Could you do it?” He asked. “Could you kill something, despite coming from such a peaceful land?”
“How do you know about that?” She asked, not sure how to feel.
“They say the greatest trick a demon can pull is convince the world he doesn’t exist. Agahnim has seen your kind before, he knows how you came to this world, and he has blessed his followers with the same knowledge.” He chuckled some more. “This certainly isn’t the first time he’s gone against Hyrule, wether you know it or not.” He reached for his sword without drawing attention from the young mare. “And from what I know, you don’t seem like you’d wanna do… THIS!!” He swung his sword at Derpy.
Noticing the blade quickly with her lazy eye, she dodged, rolling to the side, and bumping into the wall beside her.
The guard got up much faster than she expected, swinging his sword once again, only to get blocked by Derpy’s shield. “Prove your anger, and KILL ME!!” He challenged, hoping to see someone’s blood spilled on the floor. He shoved her to the side with his arm against her shield, showing he was stronger than Derpy had anticipated.
As the guard ran up to Derpy, she leaped over him, using her wings to get a good amount of distance between the two. Skidding to a halt at the end of the hallway, she noticed an unlit torch to her left, as well as another guard. Following her instinct, she held her sword to the side, preparing for what came next.
Both guards ran full speed towards her, not expecting her to pivot on the back of her left rear hoof, performing a pirouette while using the sword in her left hoof to cut through the armer of both guards at once.
The guards winced, falling on their rears as they felt the cuts that’d been firmly placed in their chests.
Derpy trotted up the the guard in front of her. “Feel like talking now?”
“That move…” He said, looking at the blood coming out of his chest. “Who taught you that move? Only royal guards know the spin attack.”
“I figured it out on my own. Now tell me who killed Uncle!”
He laughed. “I still doubt you could enact revenge.” He said, thinking that this flesh wound was all the damage the grey mare could deal.
Meanwhile, the guard behind her tried to back stab her with his sword. Armor is far from stealthy though, so she turned to him, and thrusted her sword through the tear in his armor, fataly injuring him, and ending his life.
After shoving the guard’s corpse off of her blade, Derpy turned around to face the guard she was previously talking to. “Still having doubts?” She asked.
The guard was baffled. A creature from a world of peace, killing someone? “What are you?” He asked.
Thrusting her sword into his chest, but avoiding anything vital, she responded. “A sword carrying pony who cares about the lives of others. I don’t care if what I’m doing is wrong in the minds of my peers. So long as I know that I’m keeping others safe, I’m fine with taking your life.” Pulling the sword out, she prepared to stab something much more vital. “Now answer me! Where is the one who killed Uncle!?”
He knew she wasn’t bluffing this time. “He was stationed in the first basement below floor 1 in the castle. There’s a chest containing a map in the room next to the one he's in. Before you kill me though, please, remove my helmet.”
Not taking any chances, she took his sword, and threw it out of reach, then removed his helmet. He seemed like a normal human with short dark brown hair, brown eyes, and a scar above his left eye.
“Why did you want your helmet off?” She asked.
He smiled. “I’m human, just like your precious Uncle was. If you kill me, does that make you any better than the guard who killed him?”
“The difference between you guards and uncle, is that he just wanted to make sure the princess was safe, while the rest of you blindly serve Agahnim, killing whoever he asks you to. I can justify killing you, what’s your excuse?”
He chuckled. “I don’t need one. I kill because it’s fun, and because it pleases Agahnim for me to do so. I do it because in my mind it feels right.”
“Well you’re wrong.” She said before stabbing once more, piercing his heart.
After laying his corpse down to the floor, Derpy trotted over to the near by chest and got a blue rupee from it. She may’ve killed two people, but at least she had the equivalent of 5 rupees in her wallet now.
Author's Note
This is basically making fun of how some games just make you throw out the moral compass. In A Link to the Past, all the guards in Hyrule castle and beyond started out innocent men who protected their kingdom. But now that they're working for the bad guy, it's a-ok for the player to violently kill as many of them as they please, with no repercussions of any kind.
Similarly, the original plot of Super Mario Bros was that Bowser had cursed the populous of the Mushroom Kingdom, turning them into brick blocks. What do you take the time to destroy when playing Super Mario in search of power ups? Brick blocks. The player kills hundreds of Mushroom People, or Toads if you will, without even knowing it.
Sure, you could complain that my characterization of Derpy in this chapter is inaccurate, but in order to be accurate to the game I'm putting her in, I have to throw away my moral compass, like any player did when playing this game, and let our favorite wall eyed mare kill brain washed humans. Video game logic!
The Legend of Zelda: A Derp to the Past (The Fanfic Version)
Derpy is not a lucky pony.
After breaking 2 more pots and getting some of her magic meter filled, which Derpy guessed was a good thing, but didn’t know because she’d never used anything with magic, she went off to climb the stairs to floor 1 of the castle.
Derpy couldn’t help but feel bad. Despite the fact that the corpses of those 2 guards disappeared in a puff of smoke (Which obviously made no sense to her, but she thought it probably meant something.) the thought that she’d killed 2 people just kept weighing down on her mind. Was she really that angry? Willing to kill just because she saw a stranger die in front of her eyes? It made no sense.
And yet… it did? He was a kind old man who didn’t deserve to die. And if what she heard was true, he lost his nephew not too long ago. It was enough to get her angry for sure, but murderous? This couldn’t be Derpy being herself, could it?
Deciding that she wanted to be true to herself, Derpy set a goal. “That’s it. From now on I’m going to just avoid my enemies all together. No more killing!” She said, ready to face her next challenge with a more gentle touch.
At the top of the staircase, Derpy cut down a set of bushes blocking her way. She found herself to the right side of the castle’s entrance. There were 3 guards guarding the entrance. 2 were carrying swords (duh) and the third was carrying a dagger, which made no sense. Not wanting to fight, she cut another bush that was in her way, and started galloping to the castle entrance.
Inside was a giant red carpet, with a row of torches on both sides. Wasting no time, Derpy ran through the open doorway on the left that no one was guarding (How bad is the security here?) She followed the red carpet in this next section of the castle to the hallway on her right. Above she saw a bridge with a blue suited guard walking across. She passed the bridge into another doorway, leading to another hallway.
Seeing 3 guards ahead, and 2 pots ahead of them, she decided to put 3 and 2 together to stop them from slowing her down. She leaped over the 3 guards, using her wings to get a good distance, and grabbed one of the 2 pots. She threw it at one of the guards and watched as he… Died and disappeared in a puff of smoke? “Wait, pots can kill guards in one hit? I thought that was just going to knock him out!”
The 2 guards looked at Derpy with anger, and Derpy looked back with an awkward smile. “Uh, I just don’t know what went wrong?”
Seeing that the guards weren’t affected by her cuteness (or were just really good at hiding it) she ran through the next doorway to her left. She went down another hallway, finding a door with a stairwell that had 2 guard statues on either side. She walked down the stairs and into the 1st basement of the castle, where a treasure chest was sitting next to a statue of a guard, and an actual guard in blue armor.
“Stop right there criminal scum! Nobody breaks the law on my watch!” He said, making Derpy feel as though she was up in his face for some reason.
“But I’ve broken the law several times already. I left my house after dark, stole a lantern, killed 3 guards, and infiltrated the castle. Seriously, you guys need better security.” She said, still confused by how Hyrule works.
“Silence!” He said, thrusting his sword towards Derpy, only to get blocked by her blue shield. She jumped over the guard and opened the treasure chest behind him to get the map inside. Not even bothering to question why they’d keep a map of the castle in a chest in the 1st basement, she ran over to the door to avoid fighting, only to find it was locked. “What!?” She yelled, not wanting to fight. “How can it be locked?” She asked.
The guard laughed. “Did you really think we’d keep all the doors in the castle unlocked?” He asked.
Derpy shrugged. “It would make about as much sense as everything else I’ve seen.” She admitted.
He thrusted his sword again, only to have Derpy jump up, and land on the blunt side of his sword. She smiled awkwardly again. “I don’t suppose you’re ok with giving me the key, are you?”
“You’ll have to kill me to get it!” He proclaimed, tilting his sword so as to make her fall off, which she did.
“I thought you’d say that.” She said, rolling on the ground to get her hooves to the floor, and got back up. She blocked his next blow with her shield, while wondering what to do next.
Thinking quickly, she knocked his sword out of his hand using her shield. She stood on her front hooves, and bucked his head with the back ones, knocking him down to the floor. She hit him much harder than the guard she did this to last time, in the hopes of knocking him unconscious.
She got down and checked if the guard was awake. He was moaning, but Derpy wasn’t sure if that meant her plan worked. Times like this, Derpy wished she was friends with a doctor, preferably one with a funny accent. Derpy loves funny accents. She giggled to herself, and saw the guard was getting up.
She panicked, and hit him in the back of his neck only to… watch him disappear into a puff of smoke. “Wha…but…I…he…what!?” She said in response. “I…I only…I didn’t mean to-” She saw the key sitting where the guard used to be. “Uh…but……….alright.” She said, giving up.
Welp, now she had 4 dead guards on her conscience. This was definitely a bad day.
Author's Note
And this chapter jokes about how no corpses are left behind in legend of zelda. Honestly, I don't feel very satisfied with this chapter, but I'll see if I can write something better this weekend.
