Chapter One: Chuck Norris REALLY Shouldn't Be Here
Chapter One: Chuck Norris REALLY Shouldn't Be Here
It should have been a much better morning than it was. The sky was clear, nothing significant was on fire, and what birds were left were happily chirping outside. It was the kind of morning that Ponyville had not experienced in some time. No apocalyptic violence or spontaneous pregnancies anywhere, but Twilight was still unhappy.
Being the efficient, schedule-prone pony that she was, Twilight had tried to make good use of the downtime. The calm did give Twilight the opportunity to read all of the books in her library a tenth time, and engage in important, totally-not-stalking-or-creepy fact finding missions, related to absolutely-legitimate-not-nosy-at-all questions that she had about the good citizens of Ponyville. Who was responsible for the Bonbon clone army? What did the flower ponies do when they were not being useless, and what was their connection to Jam Pony? Was that a Gatling gun that was just delivered to Screw Loose's house? Still, Twilight was having a difficult time escaping her own growing sense of irrelevance.
"Are you feeling okay, Twi?" asked Spike.
"Yeah… I’m fine." was her melancholy response. She didn’t look at him but continued to sit on her bed and stare out the window.
"Is it about Chuck Norris?"
"No, not everything is about Chuck Norris," replied Twilight. This was the biggest lie she ever told anypony.
"Do you feel ordinary because the presence of Chuck Norris in our universe was enough to change every mare in Equestria into alicorn princesses?"
"No. Spike" she said, grinding her teeth.
"Was it because Chuck Norris drove off all of the villains for the next thousand years with only one roundhouse kick"
"Okay, okay! I admit it! I'm not feeling okay! I haven't felt okay since he got here! And what about you, huh?! Aren't you the least bit angry that Rarity is carrying his foal or abomination or whatever he calls it?!”
"Well, what can I do about it other than give him a drink of water? Cause, well, Chuck Norris."
"So we are all supposed to just lie down and do nothing while he completely messes up our lives and our whole kingdom?!"
"It's better than having to deal with his roundhouse kick!"
Twilight growled in frustration and pulled the blankets over her head. "I'm done talking with you, Spike. Just leave me alone."
Her friends showed up later to try and cheer Twilight up, but there were subtle clues that made Twilight suspect that they were no longer entirely on her side on the matter of Chuck Norris. Only Pinkie Pie was absent because she was working at Sugarcube Corner. Or she was travelling the multiverse, only Schrödinger's cat knew for sure.
"Ah think you got him all wrong, Twi," said Applejack, who was wearing a Stetson hat handmade by Chuck Norris from the hides of Flim and Flam. "He's been nothin’ but helpful to all of us since he got here. Why, just the other day he roundhouse kicked just one of ma apple trees and low and behold he had harvested all the apples in ma whole farm for the next five years!"
"And who can forget what that gorgeous hunk of man meat did for by dear sister Sweetie Belle and the Cutie Mark Crusaders!" said Rarity, who was wearing a Stetson hat made from Jet Set's and Upper Crust's hides (made by Chuck Norris), and a pregnant belly (also made by Chuck Norris). "They got all of the cutie marks, transformed into star fillies, and started roaming the galaxy in a giant, black monolith! And all he had to do was tell them 'Good job'!"
"Yeah, but nothing can top my awesome new moves!" said Rainbow Dash, who was already cooler by a factor of Chuck Norris and didn't need a hat; and smelled like the aftermath of a NASCAR race. "Chuck Norris taught me how to do a superluminal, supersonic rainboom that reversed the rotation of the earth!"
"I will always be grateful for the help Chuck Norris gave me," said Fluttershy, who, even in a scary, reptilian-looking black suit of armor, looked kawaii. "Chuck Norris gave me the courage to fulfill my lifelong dream to become Fluttermaximus, the despotic ruler of the Dragon Kingdom and Mistress of Hugs."
Spike made a low bow to Dark Queen Fluttermaximus. "Forgive me, your Majesty, for not greeting you properly when you arrived."
"You are forgiven, you can live for another day. "replied Fluttermaximus, Ruler of the Dragon Kingdom and Mistress of Hugs, with a regal wave of her hoof and an I.O.U. for a hug. "If... that's okay with you."
"Well I'm not convinced," replied Twilight. "A.J., how are you going to supply apples over the next five years when all of them were harvested this year?”
“Already taken care of, Twi.” said Applejack cheerfully, “He already planted a new apple farm on the smolderin’ ashes of Cherry’s cherry farm. And I might add, he can make the best lemonade ah've ever tried from the oranges he picked from ma apple trees!”
“And what about the tsunami that was caused by that reversal of the earth’s rotation?!”
“No problem, Chuck Norris took care of it with a roundhouse kick that sent it to someone else’s shore,” replied Rainbow Dash without a hint of worry.
Twilight continued “And don’t you miss your sisters Applebloom and Sweetie Belle since they started travelling to… wherever in the far reaches of space?”
“Well, they always write home twice a week,” replied Rarity, who suddenly got a strange smile on her face. “And it has given me plenty of time to… pursue… other forms of recreation… “
“ANYWAY!!” interrupted Twilight. “What about Chuck Norris’s gaze that turns boys into men? One look from him and Pipsqueak and Featherweight are now twice as big as Big Mac!”
"I haven't heard any complaints from their mare-friends," offered Fluttermaximus with an eyebrow wiggle.
Twilight was becoming more and more exasperated with every comment that wasn’t in agreement with her world view. "But it's getting ridiculous and out of control! Don't any of you see the problems he's causing here in Equestria? All of the brick walls have collapsed because Chuck Norris keeps beating them in tennis! The avian population is taking a nosedive because ponies keep asking him to kill two stones with one bird! The reason everyone has a positive impression of him is because all the neigh-sayers are dead or missing! There has been nothing but chaos, death, and destruction ever since he got here! You know what, I'm just going to say it: I don't think Chuck Norris should be here!"
All of Twilight's friends gasped in horror, as did everyone within a two-block radius. Left-handed albino parasprites became extinct.
Spike spoke first. "Twilight, you can't talk like that about Chuck Norris! He'll come and hunt you down!"
"Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting," corrected Rainbow Dash, "Because hunting implies that he will fail. Chuck Norris goes killing!"
"And then... he feeds!" commented Fluttermaximus, in a now uncharacteristically fearful tone.
"And then... he loves!" said Rarity with a faraway look and a satisfied grin.
Unfortunately, there was no stopping Twilight. "I don't care! Chuck Norris doesn't belong in Equestria! He needs to leave! And if he were here, I'd say it to his face!"
Suddenly, Twilight's roof caved in, not because of any force acting upon it, but because the roof knew that worse things would happen if it didn't comply. Five-foot-ten inches of bearded perfection flew in from above and hovered in the air, because Chuck Norris doesn't have to obey gravity or any laws of physics.
Chuck Norris's deep, manly voice blew out Twilight's windows. "Chuck Norris was kicking Discord in the back of the face when Chuck Norris heard a discouraging word spoken about Chuck Norris."
"Please don't kill her!" cried Applejack, throwing herself at the feet of Chuck Norris. "Twilight asks too many questions and says too many thangs that no-one in their right mind would ever ask!”
"Your accent reminds me of my native country of Oklahoma, which Chuck Norris was a citizen of before Chuck Norris became his own country, and warms his ice-cold, vengeful heart," replied Chuck Norris. "Come, allow Chuck Norris to express his appreciation to you."
"NOT IN MY HOUSE, YOU'RE NOT!" cried Twilight in both rage and disgust. "I've got a lot of things to say to you, Chuck Norris, and I'm not afraid to tell you about every last one of them!"
"Your courage has been duly noted by Chuck Norris, but there are much larger problems to be dealt with. Chuck Norris has a hunger and a thirst that can only be satisfied by revenge or Ponyville Cafe's cooking. He will carry you there."
"That really isn’t necessary. We could--you know--walk and use actual doors instead... "
"Fear not, my little light grayish mulberry equine, there is no safer place in the multiverse than the armpit of Chuck Norris!"
He grasped Twilight under his arm and sprang into the air. Again, the roof opened up to accommodate his exit.
"Call me!" exclaimed the voices of four mares and one dragon.
Author's Note
This story was born from a short exchange with Arthur Derpmanson, on the lack of Chuck Norris MLP fics. I was like "Okay I really don't know what to... wait... maybe I could use this and do this and... "
This was the result: a completely random, totally non-canon, bizarre attempt to avoid jumping the shark.
Enjoy (hopefully)
Chapter Two: Chuck Norris Never Cries
"A daisy sandwich for you, Ms Sparkle," says the waiter as he places a dish in front of Twilight. "And for you, Mr. Norris, a bucket of sunflower seeds and two kegs of napalm."
Twilight was undeterred by the spectacle of several ponies in HAZMAT suits bringing out Chuck Norris's order, and continued her tirade.
"Now let me tell you all of the reasons why you should never take a group of fillies and colts on a kayaking trip UP Ponyville Falls in a cardboard box...
Chuck Norris downs one of the kegs of napalm.
"...and half the mares in Equestria are pregnant because your shadow passed over them!"
"Wait, is that all it takes?!" queried Rarity, who just then gave away the fact that she was ensconced in the bushes nearby and eavesdropping on their conversation.
Twilight didn't notice her. "...I don't care that your shadow follows you from a safe distance, it's your shadow, and you need to take responsibility for it!"
Chuck Norris downs the second keg of napalm. His deep, manly burp sets Diamond Tiara's hair on fire. He gives her an icy stare, causing the fire to go out and freezing her in a block of ice.
"Are you just going to sit there?! Don't you have anything to say to me about what you’ve done?!"
Chuck Norris opens his mouth to speak.
"I wish you would stop speaking French to me in Russian, and don't you dare try talking to me in Braille! While we're on that subject, I really don't give a flying buck that you can hear sign language!"
Chuck Norris closes his mouth, then reaches into the bucket and pulls out a handful of sunflower seeds. He stuffs the sunflower seeds in his mouth, chews, and spits a shell into orbit. The shell penetrates the armor plating of the alien invasion flagship and breaches its reactor core. The ship explodes and the other ships begin to scatter, but they are picked off, one sunflower seed at a time.
"WILL YOU STOP THAT!" Twilight cried in exasperation. "I'm trying to tell you something very important and all you do is sit there uselessly expending energy firing sunflower seeds into space! Why can't you just spit them into a bowl or something like a normal pony and use that energy for something useful?"
The alien invasion fleet annihilated, Chuck Norris spit the very last sunflower seed into a bowl. The bowl shattered on impact.
Twilight had finally had enough. "AAAARRRGGH!! You're even less expressive than that monolith the CMC are flying around the universe in! Have you even heard a word I said?"
Chuck Norris had heard her. Twilight became surprised when he repeated back to her every word that she had spoken to him since they arrived at the cafe, perfectly replicating every inflection in her voice. She was even more surprised at his response.
"You are right, Twilight Sparkle, everything you said is true, but the guilt that Chuck Norris feels runs far deeper than you realize."
Chuck Norris began to show something that Twilight never expected him to show, a real emotion.
"Since forever ago, before the dawn of time, my one true goal has been to make my Master proud of me. After he bestowed upon me the power of infinite awesomeness, he said that he only wanted me to do one thing. Do you know what that was?"
Twilight shrugged her shoulders, "I dunno, to not strangle anyone with cordless phones?"
"The one thing my Master wanted me to do, his one wish for me, was to do the right thing. That is all I have ever tried to do, but I have never succeeded. For every good deed, there is always a cost. I have saved countless lives, but I have also killed many as well. You only know a few of my casualties: Flim and Flam, Jet Set and Upper Crust, Mecha-Sombra, and- "
"Don't even bring that up! I'm not going to wear that hat!"
"Some of them died in the name of justice,” he continued, “and others just got caught in the crossfire."
Chuck Norris breathed a puff of hot air at the still frozen Diamond Tiara. It was just enough to thaw her completely, but she was soaking wet and ran away embarrassed.
He held up his arms and looked at his hands. It looked like something was about to come out of his tear ducts, and Twilight felt the urge to hold out a vial to catch whatever it was because it would probably be valuable. "This body, which has been tempered by the heat of the Big Bang. This six-pack of six-packs. These legs which have moved immovable objects. These hands, which have saved so many lives and yet are drenched in the blood and tears of so many more. Chuck Norris has saved a million universes, but can he save his own soul?"
Then the display of emotions stopped. "But Chuck Norris is strong. His tears can cure cancer, but no one will ever have them, because Chuck Norris never cries."
Twilight was astonished at what he just told her. She had always thought of Chuck Norris as a force or a power too great for the good of Equestria. It never occurred to her that there might be a person beneath the persona, or that he was not so different from her.
"I actually feel much the same way you do, Chuck Norris," said Twilight, in a much softer tone. "All I ever wanted was to make Princess Celestia proud of me, to show her that I was capable of being the pony that she needed me to be. I was so close, I felt like I was just about ready to say that I had truly become that pony, but then you showed up. Now... I'm nothing. I can't do all the things you do, I don't have the same powers you have, and I never will. Nopony needs me anymore, and I don't know what to do."
Suddenly, Chuck Norris stood up. The ponies having lunch around them fell to the ground from the earthquake, and cracks formed in the nearby buildings.
"Chuck Norris now knows what he must do. It is time for Chuck Norris to leave Equestria."
Twilight's shock turned to delight. "That's the... best thing I've… ever heard... ever! You don't know how happy I am to hear that we agree on this. In fact, could you do it now before something evil distracts you and you- "
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" The shockwave from the voice of Chuck Norris blew off the top of the Ponyville town hall. "It wasn't me this time!" cried Derpy.
Twilight was trying to recover her hearing. "WHAT?! What's the problem?!"
"There are dangers that lay ahead that are beyond anything you can possibly imagine, and you are unprepared to face them. That is why Chuck Norris must pass on some of his power to someone who will remain behind, one who will be his apprentice. You are the one who Chuck Norris has chosen, Twilight Sparkle. You alone had the courage to stand up to Chuck Norris, even though he had 1242 objects in the room that he could have used to kill you with, including the room itself. I must give you a portion of my power so that you can face these dangers, by giving you a Bro-Hoof!"
"You... mean a hoof bump?"
"Do not contradict Chuck Norris. Civilizations have collapsed because someone dared to contradict Chuck Norris."
"Well then, just give me a hoof-bump with one of your fists so we can get it over with."
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" The shock wave caused the town hall to collapse completely. Derpy's voice cried "Please! Don't arrest me, I didn't do it!"
"Will you quit doing that!!" screamed Twilight in frustration.
"I cannot use my fists, for to do so would give you so much power that you would die instantly, but there is another appendage that I may use."
Twilight cringed in unimaginable horror. "EEEEEWWWWWW! Ew, ew, ew, EEEEEEWWWW!"
"I, of course, am referring to my chin fist."
"EEEEEWWWW... wait, what?"
"There is no chin under the Beard of Chuck Norris, there is only another fist. It is only with this fist that Chuck Norris can give his apprentice the power they need to be rightly called as such."
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking it was to. Absolutely."
Chuck Norris walked to the center of the street, and ponies scattered in anticipation of further chaos and destruction. He turned and beckoned her to come closer.
Twilight was hesitant. "So, are you sure this is safe."
"Only those who lack purity in their hearts need fear the Hoofbump of Justice. Are you pure of heart?"
"I'm pretty sure I am, I think. I mean, I did sing a song about it once.”
"It is enough. Chuck Norris only asks that you don't sing it again."
Twilight moved to where Chuck Norris was standing. The beard of Chuck Norris lifted, and a fist appeared from underneath. Twilight, reluctantly, and completely weirded out, held up one of her hooves and tried to look away in case there was some blinding spectacle that would leave her permanently disabled or worse. The chin fist and the hoof moved closer and touched. There was no flames, no explosions, no blinding light, or anything of the sort, but it didn't matter, because a Chuck Norris hoof bump can always be seen from orbit.
Twilight hesitated for a few seconds, waiting for something significant to happen and catch her attention, but there was nothing. She slowly let go of the fearful tension in her muscles and gradually opened her eyes. Chuck Norris was standing there watching her, his arms by his side, his chin fist once again ensconced behind his beard, without a trace of emotion on his face.
Twilight looked at Chuck Norris, then at her two front hooves, then again at Chuck Norris, and groaned in exasperation. "Thats IT?!" she cried. "Is that all there is?! I didn't feel anything, Chuck Norris, and do you know why? It's because you're a fraud, Chuck Norris! Your a fraud and a liar! There was no transfer of power there! It was just a hoof bump like any other hoof bump!"
Chuck Norris stood motionless, saying nothing, and waited.
She sat back down on her chair, so angry that she didn't notice the chair became deformed from her doing so. "And I believed you! I really believed that you were going to give me something that would help me fight the evils ahead! I was such an IDIOT!"
As she said this, Twilight slammed a hoof down on the table. To her surprise, and the horror of everypony who saw it and ran away, the table exploded into shards of wood. The shards didn't even reach the ground before they caught fire and were reduced to ashes. The heat of the impact melted the sandy ground into molten glass.
Twilight at first didn't know what to say. Again she looked at her hooves, then looked at Chuck Norris. "Did I... just... do that?"
Chuck Norris spoke volumes with only a nod of his head.
Twilight jumping in the air. She rocketed upwards into a sonic rainboom. The shock wave caused the buildings nearby to shake and tremble. After reaching the apex well into the ionosphere, she hit terminal velocity falling face down with a hoof extended in front of her. She contacted the ground with her hoof, leaving a large crater at the point of impact.
"I could get used to this!" she said happily, dusting herself off. "With some practice, I'll be ready for anything."
"There will be no time for practice," Chuck Norris said impassively. "The time to face the enemy is now."
"What, NOW?! What enemy? What are you talking about?"
Chuck Norris turned his head towards Canterlot. "I sense the approach of an old enemy. One who I have sought after for eons, but now he has found me. We must go to Canterlot to face him."
"But I don't know if I'm ready? I haven't done anything to prepare? What do I need to know?"
"I have already taught you everything I know!"
"But you didn't say anything!"
"Wielding infinite power requires no instruction."
"I... beg to differ on that assertion."
"We are wasting time talking. It is time... to SWIM!"
Chuck Norris dove into the hard ground, and began to swim towards Canterlot. Twilight looked perplexed, then shrugged, and dove in after him.
