Ponies Travel to Nazareth
Ponies Travel to Nazareth
“It’s finally done!” Exclaimed Twilight as she put the finishing touch her new time machine. It was the crowning achievement of her life and all her friends were with her eager to try it out. The time machine was in the middle of the library lobby. It was built out of a car like most time machines are. But it wasn’t made out of a DeLorean like in “Back to the Future” because Rainbow Dash said that movie was “Totally gay.”
Instead Twilight made the time machine out of a 1967 Lincoln Continental convertible with a lime green metal flake paint job and a chain link steering wheel. It had chrome wire rims and a hydraulic suspension. All her friends climbed in the back except for Rainbow Dash who got shotgun. Rainbow dash always gets shotgun even if she doesn’t call it; she gets it anyway because she’s Rainbow Dash. Twilight Sparkle got in the drivers seat and turned on the engine, it purred with fuel-injected finesse. She hit the special button that activated the time machine witch just so happened to be the button to the stereo system. A thundering bass beat emanating from two 15” amplified subwoofers vibrated the library to the beat of 2 Live Crew’s “Pop That Coochie”.
The hydraulic suspension repeatedly bounced the front end 12 inches off the ground. As a bright blue light surrounded the vehicle lighting cracked around it. It disappeared in a cross dimensional wormhole towards an unknown future. Spike watched with a cross look on his face. He had been left behind again. They always leave him behind. He bent down and lifted up a loose floorboard. It was where he kept all his playboy magazines. He pulled one out and held it side ways as the centerfold page folded out in front of him. He grinned widely as he looked at it, all of a sudden he sneezed and green fire shot out his nose and the magazine disappeared in the magical fire. At first spike looked worried but shrugged his shoulders “Oh well.” He said. In her castle Princess Celestia sat on a big purple pillow and sipping Mickies malt liquor from a big green 40oz bottle. A burst of green flames exploded in front of her as a magazine dropped to the ground below her. The gatefold page was face up revealing Geri Halliwell spread eagle. She spit out her booze and screamed with wide eyes.
Spike decided to watch TV to pass the time. He turned it on to a Jonas Brother’s music video. He watched the TV as the emotion was drained from his face along with his will to live. He turned the TV off. Spike walked over to Twilight’s desk and reached down into the side drawer of the desk and pulled out a .38 revolver. Putting his mouth around the barrel he pulled the trigger and blew his brains out the top of his head.
The ’67 Lincoln Time machine had worked perfectly as it appeared in the middle of Nazareth in 31 AD with a crack of lighting. The heavy Lincoln bounced down the dirt road of the ancient town still pumping 2 Live Crew out the stereo. All the people stared at the mean green machine as it rolled passed on its shiny 18” rims. Twilight noticed that all the people were dressed in simple white robes and were smoking fat spleefs. Twilight pulled the Lincoln over and asked an old man with long grey hair were she could find some “Bomb ass shit.” The man couldn’t understand what she was saying because they didn’t speak English in this time. But he did recognize the phrase “Bomb ass shit” because Nazareth had the dankest weed in the entire holy land.
He pointed to a house off to the side of the road. A mailbox in front had the name “Jesus Christ” on it. The house was made out of rattlesnake hide; it had a brand new chimney made on top, made out of human skulls. The Lincoln pulled up in front of the house and stopped. The gang of ponies all got out. They knocked on the door and Jesus opened the door as thick smoked poured out.
Jesus had a tombstone hand and a graveyard mind; he had lived long enough and didn’t mind dyin’. He was dressed in his usual white robe and thorny crown except instead of wood sandals he had a pair of dope white and black wingtip patent leather shoes and used a cobra snake as a necktie. He invited all the Ponies inside. In his living room was the three wise men and John the Baptist. (It should be noted by the reader that the three wise men were cast as Cheech, Chong and Cuba Gooding while Charlie Sheen covered the roll of John the Baptist.) They all sat around the living room and passed a big glass bong that became known as “The Holy Grail”. Jesus sat on his throne witch was a big Lazy Boy recliner while Mary Magdalene polished his shoes with her hair as they passed the bong. “Wow man this stuff sent me to the moon, what’s in this” said one of the wise men. “Mostly Mowie Wowie man.” Said the other as he passed it to a very stoned and red eyed Fluttershy.
A big silver flying saucer appeared above the house and landed out front. “Hey Pendejos! Look a flying saucer just landed outside.” “Wow man.” They all ran outside to greet the aliens. A ramp extended from the UFO as two green skinny aliens with big black eyes walked out. They had yamakas on and curly black side burns. They knelt before Jesus and said “Greetings we are the space Jews and we have come to ask Lord Jesus Christ to solve our problems.” (For Jesus was king of all Jews) “Ye my children, stand and tell me what troubles thee.” Said Jesus with out stretched arms. The aliens stood “Our home planet Jewranus has been overwhelmed by space Mexicans and is becoming over populated.” Jesus pondered the alien’s problem for a second. “You must welcome you fellow space brethren with open arms. Love them they will reward you with tasty space tacos.” Happy with the answer from the messiah the aliens got back in the UFO and flew off.
“This calls for a big party!” shouted Pinkie Pie. Everybody thought that was a terrific idea. They all followed Jesus as he ran and climbed to the top of a large rocky hill. Jesus pulled out A Gibson EDS-1275 and started to shred divine lixx while John the Baptist backed him up on bass with two wise men on drums. All the ponies and everyone in Nazareth crowded around two huge Marshal tube amps and began to head bang furiously while pumping their fists in the air as Jesus rocked out to a sweet cover of “Futureal” by Iron Maiden and a big mosh pit opened up in the crowd. The wise man that was portrayed as Cuba Gooding brought forth a large punch bowl of ordinary water that would surly cause dysentery. Instead of turning it into wine Jesus turned it into grape flavored Kool-Aid mixed with 90 proof vodka. The third wise man sold red Dixie Cups for $1 and passed out cupfuls of jungle juice. Everybody who was anybody was there, even Satan. It was the greatest party to ever grace planet Earth and it could be seen from space. History would remember this event as “The sermon on the mount.”
When Jesus finished the song he smashed his guitar on the rocks causing the amplifiers to whine and squeak loudly. They exploded as sparks rained on the crowd. Jesus jumped off the rocks and landed in the seat of a 1972 Harley Davidson Softail with ape hanger handlebars. Jesus turned to the camera and said, “My name is Jesus Christ, and this is Jackass!” he opened the throttle wide and pulled a wheelie leaving behind smoking skid marks as he rocketed down a pathway through the crowd. He hit a huge wooded jump and got sweet air as he soared over 15, no 20 flaming school busses. He landed on the other side in a sideways skid. The entire squad of New England Patriots cheerleaders immediately crowded him as they sprayed champagne all over him and themselves. Just then The KISS tour bus pulled up and Gene Simmons asked Jesus if he wanted to go on tour. Jesus got on the bus with his arms around all the cheerleaders and it drove away.
Twilight realized that Jesus had passed on to bigger and better things. She and all her pony friends decided it was time to return to Equestria because nothing else interesting was happening. Satan asked if he could come too, all the ponies agreed it was a great idea and invited him along for the ride. They all got into the Lincoln Continental time machine. “Hey Twilight, do you think we changed anything in the future by returning to the past?” asked Applejack “I don’t know but were about to find out.” Twilight turned the key and teleported back to modern day America.
As it turns out Equestria is a county in South Dakota not far from Watertown but no one ever noticed because no one cares about South Dakota. The Green Lincoln appeared in the middle of Ponyville Packed with Twilight and her friends and Satan. They had changed several things in the present time by disrupting the past. The first thing that was different was that grammar and proper sentence structure no longer excited in Equestria so no one has to waste time complaining about it in the comments section. The second thing was a hideous monster called Nicki Minaj was destroying Ponville as ponies ran for their lives. “It’s disgusting! Kill it! Kill it.” Yelled Fluttershy. “It’s an abomination!” Screamed Applejack. It’s the Worst. Possible. THING. EVER!” and Rarity fainted. All at once the ponies began violently vomiting and were helpless at the sight of the horrible monster.
Since The Elements of Harmony were rendered useless by their puking and gagging Satan knew it was up to him to stop the monster. Satan tried to steal Nicki Minaj’s soul but realized it didn’t have one. Satan picked her up and ripped off her head with his teeth while thick green acid spewed out of her neck. All the ponies in town crowded around Satan and cheered for him because he had defeated Nicki Minaj. Hail Satan! All the overjoyed ponies shouted. Next to The Elements of Harmony and Meat Loaf Satan would be forever remembered as Ponyvilles greatest hero. Random music began playing as all the ponies broke out into song, they sang “Build me up buttercup” as Twilight and her friends locked arms with Satan and joyously skipped through a field of daisies.
Later that night Twilight wrote a letter to Princess Celestia. “Dear Princess Celestia. Today I learned that Jesus always has the best shizle in da hizile.” She rolled up the letter and was about to send it but she realized spike was dead so she walked out side and gave it to Derpy to bring to the Princess. Derpy took off into the air toward Canterlot but was promptly sucked into a turbine engine of a 747 jumbo jet. Blood and tufts of grey hair sprayed out the back off the engine as the plane nose-dived into Sweet Apple Acres. Twilight watched the plane crash and explode in a fiery mushroom cloud.
“And that’s how Equestria was made!” said Pinkie Pie. “Maybe later I’ll tell you the story of how I got my cutie mark.” She bounced off leaving the Cutie Mark Crusaders dumbfounded. They tried to make sense of what she said but they tried too hard and their heads exploded.
THE END.
