99 Problems, But A Bit Ain't One
If You're Having Apple Problems
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It was just another ordinary day for Applejack.
Finishing up chores around the farmhouse, harvesting apples. Same old thing, no real difference.
Wiping a bead of sweat from her brow, however, she spotted a single glittering pebble, tucked neatly away beneath the root of an old apple tree.
Curiously snagging it in the crook of her hoof, she eyed the warmly pulsating stone warily. A small, niggling impulse to make a wish on the odd thing crossed her mind to wish upon the queer stone. Her first instinct was to wish for something silly, like a giant sandwich; however, a quick glance back over at her grandmother, steadily rocking back and forth on the farmhouse porch gave her a different idea.
That was six months ago.
Six long months, when she first uttered those simple words.
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Those were terrible words, inducing despair with each syllable. Awful, crushing tones, ringing the toll of defeat once again.
“Blackjack.”
And for Celestia, the toll of defeat sounded a lot like the last of her bits clinking into Granny Smith’s bag.
“… That’s just how it goes, I suppose.” Celestia bit her tongue in frustration. This pony had to be the only one in at least three hundred years to match her poker face. The cards were swiftly swept up and packed away. Granny Smith scooped the shining bits over the top of her wooden playing table with ease, slinging the sack over her shoulder and winking heartily at the Princess.
“Care to lose again, same time next week?” she chortled good-naturedly. Celestia groaned inwardly, but kept her serene appearance to the best of her ability. If the princess was distressed about her umpteenth loss, or even slightly bothered at all, she didn’t show it.
Princess Celestia had a very good poker face.
“Enjoy your temporary victory while you can, old Apple.” The ruler of Equestria smiled kindly, regardless of the fact that she was peaking agitation. “I shall win eventually. I always do.”
Granny Smith snorted, grinning as she hobbled off in what Celestia supposed was meant to be a saunter.
“If’n you say so, young ‘un.”
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Celestia paced back and forth within her chambers, the soft tink, trink, tink, trink, tink of her hooves clopping against the polished marble echoing off the walls.
There had to be something to it.
There must have been some form of secret, a hidden passage within the labyrinth; some missing piece to the puzzle that she just wasn’t seeing. How could the wizened old pony have done it? How could it possibly be that Granny Smith won every game, no matter what it was?
Celestia had betted bit after bit, each time raising the amount in hopes of winning some of her personal allowances back. Instead, she only lost more. It made no sense. Celestia was older, wiser, far more powerful, and there were very few tricks she hadn’t seen. But Granny Smith displayed no signs of ever slipping.
She fumed silently as she paced, back and forth. Her wings ruffled uncomfortably from the clenched position she held them in, tight at her sides. There had to be some secret, or some tactic to winning.
“Tia?”
Celestia’s head snapped upwards, and she blinked in surprise. She’d been so busy treading a path into the floor in front of her personal fireplace that she hadn’t even noticed her sister enter.
“Yes, Luna?” Celestia asked, a little impatiently.
“… You do realize what time it is, don’t you?” the princess of the night inquired curiously, tilting her head slightly. “I’d have thought you asleep long before now.”
“I am… preoccupied.” Celestia said simply, resuming her annoyed pacing. “However, I did need to speak with you anyway. You wouldn’t happen to have any spare bits lying around, would you?” she tried to sound nonchalant, but it sounded pitiful even to her own ears.
“… Granny Smith won again, hu-?“
“THE OLD COOT BEAT ME AGAIN, LULU!” Celestia stamped her hoof in outrage, her wings flaring out to their full span. “It doesn’t make any sense! How? How does she keep doing it?”
“… Celestia.” Princess Luna deadpanned, readjusting her tiara slightly. It was an uncomfortable thing, but she made certain to keep it on hoof.
“Yes, dear sister.” Celestia replied after a minute of forcing her breathing to return to normal.
“You have a proble-“
“I CAN QUIT ANY TIME I WANT!”
“-m with losing.” Luna finished blandly, sighing heavily as she magicked her sibling’s door open to leave.
“This has gone on for long enough,” Celestia groaned, pinching the bridge of her muzzle between her hooves. “I need to sort this out. Immediately.”
“Perhaps your ‘prize student’ could assist you?” Luna teased, giggling a little.
Celestia, however, seriously considered it for a moment. A split second, but nothing more.
“… No. I must face this alone. I must discover the secret to the Apple’s success.”
“Funding advantage and superior technology, in addition to a thriving economy, mostly,” Luna shrugged as she left.
“What?”
“No~thing!”
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“Are you sure you want to do that, young ‘un?” Granny Smith asked for the fourth time, the confusion still evidently etched onto her face.
“Positive.” Celestia nodded solemnly. “… And I’m older than you,” she added for good measure.
Magically lifting a massive burlap sack onto Granny Smith’s playing table and dropping it with a heavy thunk, Celestia hardened her resolve and shifted into a more comfortable position. She almost grinned when the old earth pony’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head.
“I want to raise the stakes.”
“Darlin’, I jus’ don’t think I’ve got enough to cover that.” Granny Smith pronounced slowly, her breath catching in her throat. There were a lot more bits than she’d been expecting. And some important looking papers, too.
“Oh, I think this ought to cover anything-“ Celestia dropped a single scroll atop the pile. “-else that might crop up. In exchange… I you to tell me how you keep winning.”
“… You gotta be kiddin’ me.” Granny Smith deadpanned from across the table, her wrinkles sagging slightly.
“I lead. I govern. I occasionally troll. I. Do. Not. Kid,” Celestia glared.
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It didn’t take long for Luna to discover where her sister had gone to.
Sighing in exasperation as Princess Celestia slacked off on her morning duty of raising the sun for the third time that week, she alerted a handful of her personal night-guards to ready a chariot. Hopefully, the only bad thing that would occur this time was a couple of slightly confused roosters, but Luna doubted it.
However, like a multicolored vampire with a gambling addiction, Princess Celestia had been playing for very high stakes.
Which in part explained why Luna was so very surprised to discover that her personal chariot had already been claimed by a member of the Apple family.
“I can’t wait ta’ tell the Crusaders ‘bout this!” the small filly bounced energetically from within, poking her nose over the steel side. The princess of the night stared in mild shock to discover that the chariot room had far more ponies milling about than she had expected, each and every one of them a member of the Apple family.
“Applebloom!” her tired elder sister scolded. “Quit playin’ on the new furniture!”
“What in Tartarus is going on in here?” Luna seethed, shooting daggers at her lead guardspony. He, in turn, only shrugged in confusion. Thankfully, the Element of Honesty herself was nearby to give a straight answer.
Even if Luna didn’t like it very much.
“What do you mean, get off your property?!”
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“Tia.”
“Yes, Lulu.”
“Your tiara is gone.”
“Yes, Lulu.”
“Tia.”
“Yes, Lulu.”
“They threw us out of our own castle, Tia.”
“Yes, Lulu.”
“Tia.”
“Yes, Lulu.”
“I am going to bucking murder you if you don’t fix this.”
Celestia groaned heavily, slowly pushing the heavy throne room doors open with a single hoof. She really ought to have somepony do something about those creaky hinges. Or at least, she would have, if she were the ruler of Equestria anymore.
Granny Smith reclined cheerfully in the gilded throne, old back hooves kicked lazily over the side.
“If’n yer havin’ girl problems, let me tell you, sunny-“ the wizened old mare began, but Celestia cut her off.
“No. I’m merely here to reevaluate my priorities and/or potential gambling addiction,” the previous ruler hung her head dejectedly. In truth, Celestia had been steadily drawing closer in a humble fashion in order to properly assassinate the old pony. With extreme prejudice.
Wear MY crown with a tilt, will you…?
Granny Smith, however, noticed Celestia eyeing the tiara atop her head, and chuckled.
“Oh, this?” she chortled as she flicked it off and tossed it to the confused princess. “Nah, I was done princessin’, anyway. Not my taste, young ‘un.”
“… What.” Celestia stared in disbelief, telekinetically holding her golden and jeweled tiara.
“Hm?” Granny Smith hummed, clambering down from the throne. “Aw, shucks. Ain’t much fer the fancy life, anyhow – we was gonna head back ta’ the farm, let ya’ get back to business an’ all.” She explained, hobbling past a very befuddled Celestia.
“But-but-but-!” she spun on the spot, gears whirring in her head. “I still don’t know how you kept winning!”
As she was leaving, it was Granny Smith’s turn to give her a slightly-tilted, confused look.
“… You mean to tell me, ain’t none o’ y’all ever once wondered if’n I was cheating?”
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