The meeting we've all been waiting for! (Unless you're not a fan of one of these two. In which case, GTFO)
Two creatures stood in a verdant wood, oversaturated with color. The two beings stared at each other, neither knowing what to make of what they saw.
One was the combination of many years of apparent animal inbreeding, the other was called Discord.
One was handsome, charming in demeanor and clearly quite fashionable. The other was Discord.
Sheogorath narrowed his eyes, sizing up his possible frenemy. Discord was more concerned with the odd staff he had found and picked up, before he suddenly arrived here. Neither had met the other before, which left very little middle ground.
Discord, ever the conversationalist, decided to extend his personal brand of hello.
The draconequis appeared before the daedra, rubber chicken in paw, eagle claw clutching a top hat that was resting atop his head. "God of chaos and disharmony extraordinaire." He greeted, his pupils turning into toothy grins on his mismatched eyes.
"Sheogorath!" The other practically screamed, face lighting up like a fireworks display. He was smiling too, by the way. "Prince of madness! And don't let old C. Vile fool you; I'm the fun one!" He shook the rubber chicken in Discord's grasp, shaking the entire god of chaos in the process. "Would you like some cheese?"
"Hmm..." Discord replied, tapping his chin. "More of a cotton candy man myself." With this, he plucked several leaves from a nearby bush, the leaves turning into the pink delicacy in his grasp.
Sheogorath gasped. "Haskill!" He cried, rushing over to the bush. "No! He was so young! And just a few eons away from retirement!"
Discord licked his fingers, having already downed the cotton candy. "What's the big deal? It'll grow back."
"No you blundering buffoon, Haskill won't!" Sheogorath declared. "He's my butler! I don't quite know why he's a shrubbery but I do know that you just ate his arm!" He turned, kneeling beside the bush, crying into his hands. "Now we'll never see lefty in action e'er again!"
Discord was about to answer, when Sheogorath noticed the staff the draconequis was holding. "Where in Mehrunes Dagon's backside did you get my wabbajack?" His loud voice suddenly calmed down, turning quiet and thoughtful. "I could've sworn I handed it to that nice fellow who pushed people around by screaming at 'em."
Discord eyed the staff. "Wabbajack, you say? Sounds interesting. Does it do anything?"
"What!?" Sheogorath replied, back to yelling. "Just for that, I oughta strangle ya with your own entrails! After I play skip rope with em, of course." He wiped a tear from his eye. "Lefty loved skip small intestine. Wasn't too keen on skip esophagus, though. That was more righty's thing."
Discord clutched his stomach. "Wow. You are depraved. Were you dropped on your head as a kid, or just neglected by mommy?"
Sheogorath snatched his wabbajack away from Discord. "I never answered your question! The citizens of Mania demand a demonstration, even though such an act will cause war with Dementia!" With that, he fired a wabbablast at a nearby tree. The tree disappeared, leaving behind a chicken.
"Bark." The chicken said, spreading its wings in an attempt to photosynthesize.
"Stupid tree! You're not a dog!" Sheogorath smacked the chicken with his staff, sending it flying through the air. "And you're a flightless food!" He called after it, even though it had already pierced the cloud layer.
Discord took out his eyes and breathed on them, taking out a clean cloth to wipe them off. Sticking them back in his head, he was surprised that the bright, cheery landscape around him was suddenly dark and twisted. "Well, this is new. Who's the decorator around here?"
"ME!" Sheogorath cried, twirling the wabbajack in his fingers. "Though, I'm getting kind of tired by now. Would you be so kind as to explain to me," his voice turned loud mid-sentence. "just how you thought you'd call yourself the god of chaos? Everyone knows that madness is supreme! And I'm just a Prince! A daedra prince, yes, which basically is a god, but now I've forgotten where that thought was going..."
"Well, I have no idea how some of my chaos power got in that stick of yours, but clearly it's gone to your head." Discord huffed. "At least it seems like you've become a viable tool for chaos. Maybe if I show you to Celestia, we could--"
"Your power!?" Came the indignant cry even though it was a little late. Sheogorath jauntily strutted over to Discord, giving him a tap on the nose. "Listen here, animal accident," He said coolly, his voice low and threatening. "I remember making this stick. I gave it life. When it suckled, it suckled my teat! Not yours, not Azura's, not even Hircine's! Even though Hircine might actually have teats, being an animal fellow and all that."
Discord snapped his fingers, causing a giant anvil to appear over Sheogorath's head. The several ton anvil crashed down on the daedra, driving his feet several inches into the ground. Beyond this, he appeared completely unaffected, until a crack spread up the anvil from where it hit his head. Soon, the anvil split in two, one half falling to either side while a massive amount of egg spilled out and buried Sheogorath.
Discord was laughing merily, at least until Sheogorath rose up from his yolk-y tomb. "You..." He muttered angrily, pointing the wabbajack at Discord. "You ruined this suit! Do you know how long Haskill had to iron it? It took at least three tries since the seducers and saints were having another one of their battles!"
He gathered the power of the wabbajack, preparing to unleash its full fury. "For all things dairy and circular!" A small red bolt lanced from the staff, slamming right into Discord.
Once the smoke cleared, Discord stood up from where he had been blasted.
He tried to glare at Sheogorath, but the Daedra simply put his hand over his mouth to keep from giggling. "Would you like some make-up, my deer?"
"Excuse me?" Discord said, ignoring the fact that he was using all four of his legs to stand. "I'm not your 'dear'."
"I didn't call you dear, little lout! I called you deer! Learn grammar, lest I threaten ye in the comments section!" Sheogorath paused to scratch his head. "Now where in blue blazes did that come from?"
Discord took the moment to get a good look at himself. He gasped in shock and anger. Charging Sheogorath, the prince merrily skipped around, avoiding the angry deer with ease.
"Hahah! Hoho!" He cried again and again as Discord hopped around, hopelessly trying to catch the daedra. "I must admit, I if had a bow I wouldn't be able to hit ya to save my life! As luck so happens, you're also slow as a snail, though not as good with salt." He bounced away from Discord once more. "So glad I set it to the right oblivion. For a moment I thought I set it to the one that destroyed you and spread your remains across at least three different dimensions!"
Discord skidded to a halt, using his own power to turn himself back to normal. Sheogorath clutched his chest. "Ye daedra, your face! Watch where you point that thing!"
Discord put his hands on his hips, summoning a small mirror to his side. Observing himself, he soon found the source of the problem. He was hideous! Some of the wabbajack's magic must still be affecting him, turning his beautiful face into a horror the likes of which should never have seen daylight.
Discord sneered, gathering his strength and blasting Sheogorath with his own magic. A small chicken appeared next to Sheogorath. The daedra grinned. "Is that all? A new pet to feed to my gatekeeper?"
"Hit it." Discord dared, his eyes narrowing. "I dare you."
"Animal cruelty!" Sheogorath declared. "I like it!" He punted the chicken away from him.
Suddenly, chickens. Chickens everywhere.
They came from behind trees. From behind rocks. From anywhere just off screen.
They came and they attacked.
They pecked.
They took revenge on he who wronged them.
The clucking. Oh, god the clucking. And the feathers.
White was all Sheogorath could see, but he still managed to clap his own hands and bring the entire flock of flightless birds to an abrupt halt.
Discord had been watching with a bag of popcorn, but he simply stared in silence as the entire throng turned to him and their eyes, one by one, became replaced by hearts. It was then he noticed that he was dressed like a giant hen. And all the chickens were roosters.
Oh, no wait, their were hens over there, just to the right of Sheogorath. There were also two on the left side of the hoard. Unfortunately, they were lez-chickens. Apparently that's a thing.
Discord leaned back, taking in all the stares of the many chickens. He took a deep breath, sighing as if in defeat. Then his tail came up, snapped and he was beside Sheogorath, watching as the costume and popcorn were sexually assaulted and eaten by chickens, respectively.
Sheogorath sighed. "What a waste."
Discord nodded. "Agreed."
Sheogorath tapped his heels together. "Well, time to continue our battle." Raising his hand over his head, he summoned no less than thirty of his most buxom Golden Saints and an equal amount of scantily clad Dark Seducers.
The sixty warriors readied their weapons and prepared to charge the surprised Discord, until they noticed each other and immediately turned to do battle with their eternal enemy in the war for Sheogorath's favor.
Sheogorath sighed, face-palming at the misguided efforts of his two ever feuding armies. Discord snuck up behind the god of madness, a pie in hand. He tapped Sheogorath on the shoulder, offering the pie as a sign of peace. "I baked you a pie." He said, even though that had been clear from the beginning.
"Oh, boy!" Sheogorath cried, excitement dripping from his words like honey. It dripped so thickly, that several hives worth of bees had come to investigate. They were disappoint. So much so that they couldn't even be bothered to add the final two letters to the previous sentence. Lazy bee-otches. "What flavor?"
Discord's smile flipped upside down, his one overly large canine now pointing up in his mouth. His eyes narrowed, and seemed to sneer at the daedra. "Pie flavor." A miniature pie exploded from the original, quickly followed by another and dozens after that.
Sheogorath jumped back, but he couldn't fully avoid the pie storm that was bearing down on him. The original pie had turned into a spout of mini pies, each aiming for Sheogorath as Discord grinned madly. Luckily, the daedra had a trick of his own. He quickly summoned a flesh atronach in front of him to take the piessault rather than risk ruining his suit. When had it become clean again?
"That would be my doing, sire." A voice said from nearby. Discord's pies stopped, just in time as the flesh atronach had finally lost the last of its hit points.
"Haskill!" Sheogorath cried happily. "I thought ye'd lost lefty! I'll turn you inside out if you ever worry me like that again!"
"Forgive me, Lord, but I had never been turned into a bush to begin with. The lords of Mania and Dementia had called me away when they had another... argument. Something about best pony, I believe."
"Ah, yes!" The deadra declared. "I had them begin research into that. I believe i made it very clear that it was only between Celestia and Luna, the other ponies would come later."
"That's what the argument was about."
Sheogorath sighed. "Well, remind them that if they don't straighten up, I'll get that Septim fellow to put them back in line. You know, the one that got turned into a dragon?"
"Martin. And I'm well aware of the friendship you two had before he turned into an avatar of Akatosh."
"Unfair that." Sheogorath mused. "Been a tough standard for all emperors since to live up to."
"Uh, hello?" Discord asked, waving his lion's paw. "Still here."
"Yes, yes." Sheogorath replied waving a hand. "I'll violently and brutally murder you in a bit. Kind of in a conversation you see."
"Also, Jyggalag wishes to invite you to his new realm of Oblivion." Haskill continued, unfazed by Discord's presence. "He seems to have finally found a nice area of land and has begun to reform his power. Due to your assistance in freeing him, he would be glad to have you tour the area. However he respectfully wishes that, due to your differing natures, this interaction last only a short time."
"Hah! Jyggalag! What a fellow!" Sheogorath mused. "I still remember when we fought one on one and he gave me reigns of the shivering isles! What a man!" He placed a hand on Haskill's shoulder. "Though I hope that if he gets in trouble with the other princes again, he doesn't rely on me to help him too much. I only just finished a bout with Hermaus and Dagon still hasn't forgiven me for that incident back when I was mortal."
"Not to worry, sir. Azura has already made it clear that she regrets her previous actions and will stand with him should conflict re-erupt. Mephala also seems to think likewise and Hircine will be busy with a recent wave of assaults from the plane of Sovngarde. Something about 'harbingers of the companions', I believe. That is all for now, Lord Sheogorath. Please contact me as you need."
"Excellent! Now for you..." He turned back to Discord, who had fallen asleep in a hammock. Around him were the scattered and broken forms of both Golden Saints and Dark Seducers, some still twitching and a handful still fighting. Most were already fading in preparation for their rebirth. He took the moment to face-palm again. "By me, what is wrong with this place?"
It was with no small amount of shame that he suddenly remembered that this was his plane of oblivion. "Of course. Well, time to get things started again, is it not?" He briefly checked a clock. "Actually, it's time for animals!" He raised his wabbajack, firing a blast at Discord, who jerked awake in time to see the bolt flying at him.
The draconequis twisted out of the way, watching as the bolt flew on until it hit a strange walking tree-like creature. The creature immediately fell to the ground.
"So that's what a sleeping gnarl looks like! Odd that I've never seen one that wasn't awake before." Sheogorath's thoughts were interrupted by an apple that had slammed into his mouth, possibly loosening several teeth.
Discord reloaded his six apple shooter, pulling back the hammer to fire again. Sheogorath shook his head, dazed by the impact and was stunned to see a large, juicy apple pop out of a pea-sized barrel and fly at him. He fired a quick spell to destroy the apple mid-flight, one of many things he hadn't resorted to in years, another being summoning flesh atronachs. He hadn't used that particular skill since he was a mortal trying to be Sheogorath's champion!
But now Sheogorath was Jyggalag and he was Sheogorath, and this odd amalgam of animal pieces was getting on his nerves. "All right little mortal..." he called, though his opponent had proven himself to be far more powerful than a normal mortal. "Let's play!"
He pulled out a black and red sword, wickedly shaped and very, very pointy. It had been too long.
Wabbajack in one hand and deadric sword in the other, Sheogorath closed the distance between his enemy, just to run face first into a sticky wall of pink.
As Sheogorath thrashed and sliced, gumming up his sword in the process, Discord merely watched in amusement. "He's a live one, I'll give him that." The draconequis chuckled, also watching as the last of the two armies that had been summoned against him finished each other off. Not to mention, there was a group of chickens over there that was looking very satisfied.
He suppressed a shudder. That could have gone really badly if he hadn't escaped so quickly.
Oh, well, back to--
He found a sword pointing right at his face.
Sheogorath was breathing heavily and grinning broadly, both hands on his sword as his wabbajack was strapped to his back. "Clever trick!" he laughed, though his tone was rather cold. "I'll have to try it sometime. With cheese, of course. Perhaps eider. Or maybe even goat."
Discord snapped his fingers, disappearing in a puff of smoke and reappearing right behind Sheogorath.
"Victory isn't so easy." Discord mocked. "Especially when I have this." He held up the wabbajack and pointed it at Sheogorath. "Arrivederci!" He fired a blast at Sheogorath, but the projectile merely bounced off the daedra.
"Didn't you here me explain it?" Sheogorath asked. "That's my artifact!" He punctuated the sentence by kicking Discord in the jaw, sending him flying backwards and sending the wabbajack into the air. Deftly catching the staff, he twirled it in his hands. "Also, I'm getting tired of looking at that sorry mug. We never did get you back to normal, did we?"
He adjusted a nob on the wabbajack, changing the setting from 'obliv2' to 'wlf whstle'. He grinned, thinking that Discord really did believe he'd get turned back to normal so easily.
Sheogorath fired a blast, but Discord ripped open an orange portal, causing the blast to soar though. It came out a blue portal, pointed directly at Sheogorath.
The prince of madness frowned to himself. "Didn't see that one coming..." He muttered as he was struck.
Sheogorath, now armed with luscious long hair, a pair of c's--maybe d's--and hips that could kill, rose to his, er, her full height. "So this is what embarrassment feels like when I don't care anymore." (S)he muttered. "Kinda self-contradictory, but it's certainly different."
Just his (her) luck that a portal to a different plane of oblivion opened right next top him. "Sheogorath. I need to talk to you about--..." Nocturnal stopped mid-sentance, taking in the scene before her.
Sheogorath was a woman, and Discord was kneeling nearby, holding a large diamond ring and several roses, as well as grinning. The chicken's had started at it again, and several batches of reinforcements for both the Dark Seducers and Golden Saints had arrived to rip each other to pieces. There was also the matter of a giant anvil that had been cracked open and was leaking yolk everywhere. Even for the prince of madness, this was insane.
Sheogorath turned around. "Can't you see I'm a bit busy right now?"
Nocturnal nodded once. "I'll come back later..." In truth, she didn't plan to come back for at least several centuries.
Sheogorath adjusted his wabbajack again., then shot himself in the face with it. He came out as a half-rotted corpse and was still female. "Whoops." he said, readjusting the staff. "I meant to set it to, 'original'.
This time, he came out dressed in rags and chains and had a nearby prompt to select race and character class. "Too original. And I thought we abandoned the class system with the latest upgrade!?"
Discord pinched the bridge of his nose. He grabbed the wabbajack, blasted Sheogorath back to how he should be then proceeded to mutate several animals around him into hideous mockeries of what they once were. Casting the staff aside, Discord ordered his new army to attack his opponent.
Sheogorath shrugged, snapping his own fingers. "To Execution Point with the lot of you. Except the original one. That's still personal."
Discord watched as his animals were teleported away, but turned to see them drop a tremendous height and die upon hitting the ground. Pulling out a map, he found that it was indeed called Execution Point, Shivering Isles.
"I like you." Sheogorath declared. "Not so predictable like those other mortals. But I'm still gonna have to kill you. You understand right? After all, once I'm done I'm sure we can be friends. Long as you don't mind being taxidermied."
Discord cracked his knuckles. "I'm just getting started with our little game."
"Oh, you want to see a real game?" Sheogorath asked.
"Bring it."
<><><>
Sheogorath calmly moved his rook to take out the enemy bishop, though he knew it left him wide open for a counter attack from Discord's knight.
Discord took the rook quickly, but also analyzed the field for any possible weakness in Sheogorath's defenses. Finding none, he waited while Sheogorath made his move.
<><><>
"Wait , wait, wait." Celestia said, waving a hoof. "You mean that you started playing chess?"
"Well, yes." Discord said, shrugging. "What's so strange about that?"
Luna shook her head. "Chess and chaos do not mix."
"You clearly haven't seen what those queen pieces can do." Discord said, grinning.
Sheogorath humphed. "Plus, whoever developed castling was a real madman!"
Most of the other deadric princess in the room agreed, plus the nine divine of Tamriel, except for Jyggalag, who simply glowered at Sheogorath. "That was me, you fool."
"Well, you're insane like I never was or will be!" Sheogorath declared, much to the laughter of the other deadric princes and Gods, as well the chagrin of Jyggalag.
Princess Celestia turned to her student and Cadence, both of whom had been unusually silent. "What do you two think of this? How much does chess fit into Discord's personality?"
Cadence swallowed, choosing to remain silent.
Twilight simply stammered something incomprehensible and fainted.
Talos leaned over and whispered in Celestia's ear. "If you ever tell her about that time you met the christian god, please let me be here for her reaction."
