My Dirty Pony: Friendship with Benefits is Magic

by Ralphtheheavy

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Comedy
Length: 1272

People, this is a joke. If you don't like the story, then you seriously need to learn how to take a joke.

A word of caution: While there are no strong language, this story will contain sexual content, rather painful jokes that the good jokes make up for, excessive nudity, and a wild amount of potty humor that even Dirty Potter would find astonishing. Read at your own risk.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-22 20:10:03 UTC

Chapter 1: Eat your heart out, Jim Dale

   Ponyville, Equestria. Much rain from yesterday's storm has offered a beautiful scenery of water droplets on the grass. The Mane Six were playing a game which they call "Soup Drinker vacuum". They sat on the ground sucking on Spike's pee-pee until it came. "Good game, girls," said Spike. This was pretty much the only gross thing going on there. It was Twilight Sparkle, of course, who felt VERY good. Already she felt like creaming all over Spike's face. She was really horny. (get it? She's a unicorn. XD ) "You know, Spike," said Twilight, "It's been a while since the Princess came in. I wonder how she's been doing." Right there, all at once, came a swirling, sparkly, spitting, gulping, screwing, farting, pissing, pooping, rapping, tapping... moaning, groaning, burping, ripping, tearing, uh... whirring, uh... clickety... pinging... even a buccaneer sort of noise. They all turned to find the source of the commotion: It was Princess Celestia. The same as she always was. Only difference, however, was she appeared to be turned on by something. Looking at them all, she smiled and said, "It's always so nice to see you all again." A good look at the wingboner, and they could tell what was about to go down. The orgies they had in Canterlot Castle made you want to jack off to it. To even gaze upon them is to feel aroused.

   Princess Celestia invited them to visit the castle for a bit. All of them; Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Spike. She wanted to show them something rather special. What they saw was what looked like a heteromancy staff. "The Saddle Arabians told me," Celestia explained, "that this sweet baby can allow a colt to shoot sperm up to more than 50 yards." Fluttershy was amazed, but a little scared at the same time. "I just hope it doesn't hurt my poo-poo pipe," said Fluttershy, looking rather gruntled. Princess Celestia smiled in a way that ensured her that she won't feel any pain. She had tried that thing herself. She told Twilight she had a free taste of penis and two testicles. "I don't have room for the cooter, but perhaps you can try it for me?" Being the princess's most trusted student, she didn't think twice before trying it. She liked it very much. It almost made her fall asleep, it felt so good to her.

   A few minutes later, Celestia decided to give them some gifts. For herself, her watery sperm that she shared with the others. She gave Pinkie Pie a party favor designed to stick in the butt. (this could be explained, but it would be a bit more complicated still.) To Spike, She gave him a set of 7 rubber dildos that seem to smell a bit of cheesecake. They had labels that indicate a specific day of the week he could use one of each of. Rainbow Dash was given a book called "Daring Do and the Mysterious Goo". It showed her favorite story book character on a very... "exotic" adventure.

For Fluttershy, A sex toy with the color of a skunk. It didn't smell like the animal, but it did remind her of her animal friends. Celestia gave Applejack some panties with a hole in it for letting out the gasses whenever she had to poot. Though, of course, there was no way Celestia forgot Twilight Sparkle; she gave HER some watersports to help clean her anus.

   Afterwards, everypony went into the gala ball room and made some pretty nasty piles of faecel matter. They all took turns to see how fast they could make their turds fly. Later, they decided to clean up before heading back. "What about the ballroom?" asked Twilight. "You shouldn't worry about it," said Celestia softly, "My royal cleaners have dealt with much worse."

Chapter 2: Hard Spanks and Stinky Farts

  One afternoon, just a couple of days after the big adventure in Canterlot, Spike noticed he was shaking from the inside out, his teeth were chattering. This wasn't because he was afraid of something, it was because he was hard on. He felt like going to bed with one of his friends. Fluttershy would be perfect for the night, since she's a quiet sort of gal. Really, it would be quite a bore if he hadn't went to bed with his crush, Rarity. Ooh, what fun they would have, he would make love with her passionately, doing her with all his might. If he was in bed with Rainbow Dash, he'd declare himself to be 20% cooler. Fortunately, Twilight Sparkle came into the library. she saw Spike quivering about. "Are you okay, Spike?" she asked. "Yeah, I just feel so strange," answered Spike, "It's like my penis has a mind of it's own." When Twilight heard this, she gave her a condom. "Don't worry," soothed Twilight, "There's a way to fix that." Upon turning around, she added to her sentence, in a saucier manner, "And I don't need magic to do it."

   It wasn't long before a brand new game got all the popularity in Ponyville. It was called "the Pounder". To begin, Twilight got into her most erotic pose; bending down with flank raised high into the air. This position is most useful whenever she feels the urge to cut the cheese. Spike went in and gave a little bounce up and down, and it soon got a bit faster. If Twilight would've known he wanted to do something as fun as this, why, she'd paint a red target on her butt. Spike grabbed hold of her horn and polished it with his claws as fast as he could. Sparks of magic flew straight out right away making a twinkling noise. Twilight's cooter started winking at the moment as she groaned in pleasure until Spike's condom filled up with a splash. It got full very quickly after the great hot ejection until his coin purse started getting wet. Soon, Spike found himself floating on a lake filled with glistening wang syrup. When Twilight saw that HIS got pumped up a bit, she told him that they weren't done yet.

   First, Twilight queefed on Rarity's face to let her toss a ball of unicorn poo-poo over her sister, Sweetie Belle, making HER splash a bit of vomit over Tigger. He didn't know what was going on, but laughed and decided to go with it. In retaliation, he ran off roaring, "I kill kids, I kill moms, I kill dads, I kill friends, I kill﻿ strangers, I kill lots of people, I kill Terrorists, I kill Communists, I kill ponies, I kill griffons, I kill you, I kill me, I kill grandparents, I kill teachers, AND, most importantly, I kill pineapples." (The awful thing was that it's possible that I encouraged Disney to buy hasbro at this point.) Second, Spike made a little pool using his own beautiful golden urine. The blissful warmth made up for it's yucky odor. And finally, third, Spike shouted as loud as he could, "Oh, Twilight! I need you! I need your coin purse!" Twilight had no reason to argue. "I'm in position, Spike," said Twilight, "You ready?" "YES!" Spike screamed, "COME ON!" He was ready to go for the kill. As a result, They both started french kissing followed by a bit of rubbing on that part of her that's capable of great whoopee fun even though it was rubbed a little too much. There was only on word to describe it: PANDEMONIUM.