Based on a True Story!

by Darth Wedgius

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Human, Main 6, Nightmare Moon, Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia
Length: 22856

An HiE parody. Let's see... Becoming the seventh element... becoming an alicorn... saving Equestria... Did I miss a cliche?

An HiE parody. He's in a world of magical, talking ponies who all love him. You'd think he'd be having a good time, wouldn't you? If only the trees would go a little easier on him.

Let's go down the cliche checklist... Becoming the seventh Element? Check. Becoming an alicorn? Check (kinda). Saving Equestria? Check (sort of). What do I win, Bob?

WARNING: If you are allergic to parody, please contact your doctor before reading.

Much thanks to Elric of Melnipony for editing and encouragement, and to Invisible Blade and bluefurbluestar for pre-reading the first chapter.

Contains no gore. Almost, but not quite, contains sex.

Published 2013-08-24 00:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-06 04:27:01 UTC

Chapter Orange - Violating Even More Rules of Good Fanfiction

“Princess!” Applejack greeted.

Didn’t she already say that? I managed to slip my sodden boxers on, only falling headfirst into the creek once, and bowed low before I turned. “Princess,” I greeted, not getting out of my very convenient bow even after I saw Applejack rise.

The princess was a slender white mare, much taller than the other ponies, with a sun mark on her butt and an aurora for a mane. “Hello, and welcome to Equestria,” she said in a melodious voice. “My name is Celestia. Please rise and be at ease.”

The problem with that was that straightening up really wouldn’t put me at ease. After Applejack’s shape-shifting trick, “please rise” was, in fact, somewhat redundant.

Celestia looked over her shoulder as chariots landed around us, each drawn by two barded pegasi, and each with one of the other bearers in it, Twilight excepted. I turned back around and saw Twilight next to Applejack; I guess she’d arrived separately. Naturally, I was going over what I could have possibly done wrong. I’d fibbed a little here and there, sure, but in my experience that had never before required an actual military response. The very serious pegasi, very serious harnesses, and the extremely serious spears attached were helping in their own way, though, as I felt at least one embarrassing problem resolve itself pretty quickly, and I was finally able to straighten up again. “Um...” I hesitated, looking among them. “Is there a problem?”

“There is indeed a problem,” Celestia answered gravely, “but rest assured, it is not with you. Twilight, could you pass the Element of Honesty to Applejack?” I saw a necklace with an apple on it fly to Applejack and fasten itself around her neck. It had an apple on it because... Apples represent honesty? Someone needs to tell Adam and Eve.

Celestia looked grim as she looked between the bearers. “A threat to Equestria has arisen.”

“Again?” Pinkie asked, at which I saw several eyes roll.

“Uh, Princess?”

“Yes, my faithful student?”

“I think the Elements are doing something.” Twilight stopped and gasped as her crown and then her eyes glowed.

A quick glance told me the same thing was happening to the other bearers. I looked to Celestia and asked, “Doesn’t that thing with the glowing eyes hurt?” She just shrugged. I then noticed that the evening light was starting to brighten, but everything looked all kind of, well, washed out. I realized what was happening just in time to do something about it, or would have if there had indeed been anything I could have done. Which there wasn’t.

Oh no.

Imagine someone shining a flashlight directly into your eyes. Now imagine it’s inside your eyes. Yes, as it turns out, it does sting a little when your eyes do the whole glowy thing. Closing your eyes doesn’t help, either, seeing as your eyelids are on the wrong side of the problem entirely. My carefully considered solution to this was to run around in a screaming panic, but I can’t recommend this for others because another problem is that you can’t see. At all. My life being what it is, this is precisely when one of those tricky trees leapt in my way.

By the time I came to my senses, I could see again. I stumbled to my feet twice, then splashed my way back across the creek to where I’d left the bearers. When I saw them all stare at me I slowed down a bit. “What? Big, slavering monster behind me?” Yes, that was the first conclusion I leapt to. Slowly, I learn. A hurried glance behind me, though, revealed nothing.

Twilight pointed a hoof directly at me, though, and I remembered that I’d gotten to my feet... twice. I staggered back to the creek, and there was enough light left in the evening to see the terrible truth in the reflections.

“What the hell did you do to me?” I stepped back quickly, trying to retreat from the black-coated, red-maned image before me. “I’m a pony!” I paused a few frantic seconds to take stock. I’d been changed into a fantastic creature, apparently by accident, by beings who had all gone out of their way to help a complete stranger, all in a world I was profoundly ignorant of. As a modern, civilized human being and a man of the world, my instincts told me precisely how to handle this.

“I’m going to sue!”

“Calm down, please,” Celestia urged me.

“No! This is not a time for calm! There are times for calm and times for, um, not calm, and this is one of the not-calm times!” I looked into the reflection more carefully, and saw muscles that I wasn’t used to having. Admittedly for me, that’d be any muscles at all, but these were ridiculous. “It’s worse than I thought! I look like Mr. Ed as drawn by Rob Liefeld!”

“And you’re an alicorn,” Rarity breathed.

“No,” Twilight corrected. “There’s a little horn under the big one, pointing off at an angle. He’s a, well, a bicorn.”

Pinkie was suddenly before me, squeezing my nose. “Um, I don’t think so, Twilight.”

Twilight didn’t even blink. “A bicorn, Pinkie, not a bike horn.” At my look, she shrugged. “You get used to her.”

My mind had at long last found an answer. “Panic!” They looked at me curiously. “That’s the not-calm word I was looking for.” Not a very useful answer, but, technically, an answer -- and under the circumstances, I was going to count myself ahead of the game.

“Not just that,” Celestia said, pointing at the necklace I wore. “This is the long-prophesied emergence of the bearer of the seventh Element of Harmony.”

The bearers -- the other bearers, damn it -- looked at each other delightedly as they each made a guess.

“Curiosity?”

“Courage?”

“Resiliency?”

“Beauty?”

“Awesomeness?”

“Pizza?”

“None of these, my little ponies,” Celestia explained. “Drath here represents the Element of... Nitrogen!”

A sea of blank expressions met her.

“It’s an essential element. Without nitrogen, there are no amino acids, and therefore no proteins. Without proteins, there is no life and, therefore, no harmony.” She looked out, smiling, only to find that the vast incomprehension hadn’t gotten any less vast-y. Somewhere, an obligatory cricket chirped. She closed her eyes and shook her head quickly, before letting out an almost inaudible sigh. “Nitrogen represents the... cycle of interdependency among all living things, drawing us together in one dynamic, harmonious whole.”

Comprehension dawned among her subjects; apparently there was a right way and a wrong way to explain things in this world.

“What about his cutie mark?” Pinkie asked. I looked back, and saw a “2” upon my flank.

“What was your purpose in life?” Celestia asked me quietly.

I thought hard about that. Aside from junk food and video games it had to be... “I was the number two in charge of Garry’s Diner.”

Celestia beamed at me. “That would explain it. Your name, had you been born here, would have been ‘Garry’s Two.’”

I was amazed, astonished, and astounded; that was the absolutely stupidest name I’d ever heard. “Please,” I asked earnestly, “Just call me Drath.”

“How do you feel?” Twilight asked with a voice full of concern, apparently now realizing what a shock this had to be for me.

“Oddly enough, the ‘cutie mark’ fits. I feel like number two,” I admitted. For one, I finally realized all this had to be real. I didn’t care how crazy I was, nobody could have been insane enough to come up with all of this. “I’d like to be changed back into a human now, if you don’t mind.”

“Of course!” Rarity agreed. I smiled at her, glad for the support from someone I’d first thought rather shallow. It just goes to show, you can’t judge a book by its cover. “I spent all night on that clothing,” she continued, “and not a stitch of it will fit now. This simply cannot be!”

I only realized I was staring at her when I felt my eyeballs start to dry out. “Thanks, Rarity.” I looked from Celestia to Twilight, and their expressions weren’t encouraging. “Oh, come on! Just, I don’t know, reverse the polarity on the Elements or something!”

“I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that,” Celestia explained with a patience that only seemed infuriating to me at the moment. “The Elements changed you for a reason, and I think you’ll have to help resolve this crisis before they will change you back.”

“All right. I’ll do anything.”

Celestia smiled grandly. “I knew I could count on you. Indeed, as soon as I saw you I knew that danger would be no obstacle.”

Uh oh. “Danger?”

“Grave danger. You and the other bearers will face many obstacles, any of which might result in a horrible, agonizing demise.”

“Agonizing?”

“Even the preliminary struggles will be desperate, and if any of you should make through alive...”

“Any?”

“...even then, only by winning through despite the incredible odds...”

“Incredible?”

“...will you both safeguard the future of Equestria, and, doing so, find your way back home.”

This, I felt, deserved thoughtful consideration. “You know, I may have reacted too quickly back there. I mean, being a pony can’t be all that bad, right? It seems to be quite the fashion around here.”

“The Elements have changed you and made you a bearer,” Celestia said softly. “This could only mean that you are essential for the success of this operation, the failure of which would mean the end of Equestria, and indeed, the world.”

The end of the world. Specifically, the world I was standing on. That made it pretty important.

“Fine,” I heroically grumped. “But if I get killed, I’ll never forgive any of you.”

“That’s the spirit!”

“Now that that’s out of the way,” Rainbow Dash asked, “What exactly is the problem we need to take care of?”

Celestia paused,as if deeply troubled. “My sister has once again succumbed to the demon, Nightmare Moon.”

“Surely not,” Twilight cried. “We taught her the true meaning of friendship! She stood guard over Canterlot before my brother’s wedding! She celebrated Nightmare Night with us, and last year even won the prize for best costume!”

Celestia hesitated. “Well, she’s back to wearing her dark armor, has sent away all but her closest night guards, and has announced that one week hence, night will fall once more, and never end. She’s either Nightmare Moon again, or else she’s just gotten very, very emo. Either way, something must be done.”

Twilight stepped forward, not even bothering to check with the other bearers. “You can count on us, Princess!”

Great. Just great.

==========

In the library the next day, all my attention was on a cup of water.

“Feel yourself being where the cup is,” Twilight said in a low tone. “You’re not just in the chair. You’re at the cup, around the cup, and under the cup.” She looked appraisingly at the red aura around my horn. “Good. Good. Now lift the cup gently, careful not to spill any of the water...”

The cup exploded, splashing water everywhere. Twilight sighed, and put another cup in place. “That’s not bad for a first try,” she said.

“But that was my third,” I said, a little grumpily.

“All ponies are used to having magic of some sort, Drath. This is going to be newer for you, and it’s not surprising that it might take a little longer.”

“We’ve got, what, five days before we need to set out?”

“You have something else to do today?” she asked sweetly.

I glared, but my heart wasn’t in it. “I’m not sure I’m cut out for this, Twilight. So far this magic seems pretty dangerous for an untrained pony.”

She smiled encouragingly, “You’ll do fine, Drath. Given your incredible intelligence, you’ll have this figured out in no time.”

Given that my “incredible intelligence” was Twilight’s wishful thinking, that didn’t help much. My horns started to glow again, and as I focused on the cup she continued. “And it’s not dangerous as long as you don’t, for example, direct it at a pony. Just make sure not to think of me or somepony else while...”

“No!” Did you ever try not to think of something? “Why did you say that?”

Twilight backed up frantically. “No, Drath! Don’t think of me! Don’t!”

“Stop saying that!”

“But don’t!”

“I can’t tell you how much that’s not helping! Twilight, just shut up! Don’t say any...” I groaned as I felt the magic start to discharge despite my best attempts to hold it back. It felt... oddly familiar, and on a desperate leap I even tried thinking about baseball. This worked just as well as it normally did. No, that’s not a good thing. I turned my head away in horror, but averting my gaze did nothing to block out the sharp explosion that assaulted my ears, or the ominous silence that followed.

I turned back slowly, dreading the gory site no doubt in front of me. When I opened an eye cautiously, though, Twilight was standing on her hind legs and wedged into the farthest end in the room, chest heaving and eyes wide, as she stared at the remains of the fourth cup.

She looked back at me, still panting. “And that concludes our lesson for the day.”

==========

“Apple buckin’ ain’t that hard, hon,” Applejack assured me. “Ain’t nothin’ more natural.” And here in the orchard, with breezes smelling of fruit, it seemed she must be right.

“Well, I have to admit that it’s probably safer than spellcasting or flight.”

She looked at me curiously. “Which one gave you the black eye?”

“Flight.”

“How’s it goin’?”

I sighed, gustily. “I can hover a few inches for a couple minutes, now. When I try to actually direct, myself, though... Well, let’s just say I’m starting to think the trees in this world have it in for me.”

“The... trees.” She looked at me doubtfully. “How many times did you hit your head?”

“It’s just a suspicion,” I assured her.

“Well, don’t mind it none. I’ve got the friendliest trees I know of. Ready to give ‘er a try?”

“All right.”

“OK, line up a little better. Turn a little to the left. Half a step back. Perfect! Now kick for all you’re worth!”

I let fly with both hind legs. It felt... good, actually, as if I were operating on instinct, and letting this body do what it wanted to do, how it wanted to do it.

My hooves connected with a satisfying thunk, and I could feel the apples shake loose. The small success kindled a long-dampened spark of optimism. I’d actually, genuinely succeeded at doing something in this crazy world. Maybe my luck really is changing for the better.

==========

“Nurse?” I prodded. When I got her attention, and immediately afterward her concern, I asked, “Could I get some aspirin?”

When she looked at me, her expression quickly shifted from bored to dismayed. “Sir, you need more than aspirin. We need to get you into surgery right away.”

I was dumbfounded and alarmed, but fortunately Applejack was a step ahead of me. “Nah, his head’s supposed to look like that. Except for the bumps.”

The nurse looked at her doubtfully. “Even the way that lower horn points off to the side a little?”

“Just some aspirin, please,” I interrupted.

“Are you sure? I’ve never seen anything that weird before, not on anypony.”

“It’s all right, honest.”

“Just looking at it makes me feel like I’ve gone all cross-eyed,” she complained.

“Aspirin,” I grated out, a little more loudly than I’d intended. “Please.”

The nurse nodded, and bustled away uncertainly.

“You know,” Applejack said, “She might actually be able to get that fixed...”

“AJ, please.”

“AJ? Drath?” I turned to see Twilight and Spike. The former eyed me and frowned. Actually, so did the latter, but he always did that. “What happened to your head?”

“What you see before you is the cumulative effect of flight practice and apple bucking,” I informed her tiredly.

Twilight looked from me to Applejack. “AJ, you explained to him that you use your hooves for applebucking, right?”

“I did,” she asserted. “And he did fine, too. The bumps on his noggin are from errant apples.”

“One hit him on the head?”

“All of them did.” Applejack shook her head in wonder. “I ain’t never seen nothin’ like it before.”

“He’s just lucky it was his head,” Spike said sourly. “Imagine if they’d hit something important.”

“Spike! I keep telling you that he’s smarter than he looks! And he should have the respect historically due an alicorn.”

“Really? Just because of the wings and horns?” It didn’t seem quite right, but I could live with that. I mean, after all the soul-searching and other deep stuff, of course. “Does it come with a title?”

Twilight averred, “Actually, I’m not quite sure I would...”

“I insist. Spike, if I’ve got a title, I insist you use it.”

“If you insist... Princess,” he said with an evil little smirk on the evil little lips on his evil little face. Not that I’m bitter.

My hoof once again developed an irresistible attraction to my face. “Your rulers are all mares?”

“Yes,” Twilight said, as if stating that day was brighter than night. “Though if it helps, sometimes I hardly even think of you as being male.”

It didn’t help. “What kind of system is this?”

Twilight thought about that for a while. “A mare-itocracy.”

“Well, I can’t argue with that, I guess.”

The farm pony, confused by some reason, changed the subject. “What brings you here, Twi?”

“Stocking up on first aid supplies for our trip to the Castle of the Two Sisters.” She turned to me. “I don’t know how our medical science compares to the marvels I imagine yours has, but I’d appreciate any advice.”

“Make sure to bring plenty of aspirin.”

==========

By nightfall, my headache had eased to a nuisance, despite everything that had either hit my head or been hit by my head that day. Evidently this body’s skull was just as thick as the one I was used to. Applejack, Big Mac, and I were sitting in their living room, watching the fireplace; apparently that qualifies as entertainment here.

“AJ? Is something wrong with Apple Bloom? She hardly touched her meal.” Granny Smith’s cooking was the one magic I’d found that hadn’t backfired on me. In any sense of “backfire,” thank you.

“She’s just worried, is all,” Applejack answered me sadly.

“Eeyup.”

“This would be the whole, oh, going into the teeth of danger, incredibly bad odds, horrible death awaiting us thing?”

This at last got a rise out of Big Mac. His nostrils flared, and he looked at his sister with concern that even I found touching. “Eeyup.” It got a rise out of him, not a lot of syllables.

“We’ll be fine,” Applejack assured her brother. “We’ve got Drath here to take care of us.”

Wait. They’re depending on me? I’m the ace in the hole? I’m the secret weapon? Either they need a glass of water blown up real good, or we’re in even more trouble than I thought. “Applejack, suppose -- just suppose -- that I’m not a super-intelligent being with incredible magic at my disposal? And that I can’t get out of a three-inch hover without planting my head into something.”

She thought about this for a while. “I reckon we’d be in a mite of trouble, then.”

OK, now keeping a secret from Twilight and the others went beyond just my ego. In a clutch, her unwarranted expectations of me -- which basically translated to any expectations of me -- could get her killed. Or one of the others. This was starting to get serious.

Wait, one of “the others” is me. It had officially reached serious. I could come clean. I mean, what little ego I had left versus horrible, agonizing death? That was an easy sacrifice. And then all I had to do was... explain to Twilight how I knew about changelings, when all I’d met was Fluttershy. I couldn’t do it. Shockingly, I couldn’t even do it to save my own skin. The power of cuteness compelled me.

“So,” I began, “The plan is that five, well, closer to four, days from now, we set out and meet Nightmare Moon and whatever defenses she’s established? Kill her and the day is saved?”

Applejack looked at me with outrage. “Ain’t nopony said nothin’ about no killin’!”

“Eenope,” said Big Mac passionately.

“Wait, that’s... four negatives? So we are killing...”

“No we ain’t!” She calmed down a bit, lowering her voice so as not to wake up anyone. “We’re going to bring her back to her old sweet-natured self. Hopefully the days spent while getting you up to speed are worth giving her the time to set up her defenses.” She looked at the door, sadly. “My only regret is the weight, day by day, on poor Apple Bloom.”

“Let’s go tomorrow.” Not easy to say, but it really did give me the best chance of keeping my skin wrapped around all my other stuff, and that was where I was used to having it. By the time I got half-decent at magic or flying, Nightmare Moon would probably have had enough time to build her own Death Star. Best to go after her now, giving her less time than she expected.

“All for Apple Bloom? Drath, your good heart does you a heap of credit.”

Well, I have to admit it’s doing a better job with decisions than my brain is. Big deal -- my pancreas could do a better job than my brain.

==========

I didn’t sleep well. One of the reasons was none of the beds at Sweet Apple Acres was alicorn-sized. The other reason was that I wasn’t alone. I don’t mean that in a good way.

In the darkness, I could feel a presence. I couldn’t see anything, but I there was a malignant presence that I somehow knew was teasing me, mocking me, and keeping just out of sight.

“Pretender.” The voice was feminine, cool, and utterly terrifying.

Pretender? Well, I can’t argue with that. Instead, I used my best debating tactics from school. “So?” Hey, kindergarten is a school.

“You’ll get them all killed. They’ve been nice to you, so very nice... And they will all die. Because of you.”

“Wait a second... This is a dream, right?”

“Yes. And no.” A dark mare appeared to me, her eyes bright with malice. “This is a nightmare.”

A shiver ran down my spine, and my voice shook despite my best efforts. “Nightmare Moon, I presume? You’re fooling yourself if you think this will have any effect.” Meaning, I’m really scared and you can stop now.

“I know you’re scared. And it’s delicious.” She then grinned at me, in the least pleasant way imaginable. “You, however, are changing the subject.”

I was, because she was right. “So you can read my thoughts in my dreams. I have an answer to that. It’s called ‘waking up.’”

“Fine. You can do that. I won’t stop you. But you can’t answer my question, and you can’t stop asking it of yourself. How will you live with yourself, after they’re all dead?”

“I won’t have to,” I responded reasonably. “Without them I’d last like five seconds, right?” Yeah... I really suck at pep talks.

Despite this impressive logic, she laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And, eventually, mercifully, I woke up.

==========

“So,” said Twilight as she finished packing. “We’re leaving ahead of schedule? You do realize this throws off like twelve different checklists?”

“Some sacrifices have to be made,” I intoned, trying to sound wise beyond my wisdom.

She looked around. “Well, it looks like everypony’s here but Rainbow Dash. I knew she’d be the hardest to get out of bed early in the morning.” There was a loud thud from upstairs and the entire tree shook. “Sounds like she’s here now, though,” Twilight said happily. “Fluttershy, would you be so kind as to bring her in?”

“I’d be happy to,” she said sweetly. Which was the only way I’d ever heard her say anything. Damn it. In some ways, the world would be so much easier to deal with if it weren’t for how confounded nice they are.

“We’ve all remembered water, right?” Twilight asked. “And food -- low residue is best.”

Pinkie raised a hoof. “Low residue?”

Twilight stared at her half a second, obviously searching for the right words. “Pinkie, you know how after you eat, something else happens?”

Pinkie nodded. “I know exactly what you mean, Twilight.”

“That’s a relief,” Twilight said happily.

“I feel less hungry!”

The alicorn sighed in resignation. “Just let me check your bags before we go.”

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash entered, and the bit of a limp Rainbow Dash had left me wondering if I was really learning flight from the right teacher. I crash into things more than she does, though. Does that mean the student is now the master? I briefly visualized myself giving Rainbow Dash lessons on the proper techniques for running into a tree face-first, before I decided I should listen to Twilight just in case the genius with actual experience in these matters had something useful to say.

“Spike will be taking care of our pets while we’re gone. Right, Spike?”

“Wait,” I interrupted. “We’re leaving the fire-breathing dragon behind?”

I saw a new look of suspicion on Spike’s face, instead of the gratitude I’d expected. Yes, the old look was suspicion too, but this was a different suspicion. I’m so used to having varying notes of this in people around me that I’ve become a virtual connoisseur in degrees of distrust.

“He is just a baby dragon after all,” Twilight said, and that apparently closed the subject.

“Don’t worry about Gummy, Spike, I’m bringing him along,” Pinkie said matter-of-factly.

“Gummy?” I asked the closest pony.

“Her pet alligator,” Applejack replied.

“Hey, big scary alligator? I am so...”

Pinkie held Gummy up in her hooves and nuzzled the baby alligator before announcing, “He’s always wanted to go on an adventure!”

“Pinkie,” Twilight grated out.

“Aw, come on!” Pinkie showed Twilight her big, cute eyes, and Twilight rolled her own.

“Fine.”

I cannot tell you how much this built up my confidence in our odds of success. “Well, I guess he could take off somebody’s toe. If anyone here had toes.”

“He’s toothless,” Rarity told me, then looked at me a little harder. “Darling, are you feeling well?”

“I’m just hoping Twilight took my advice about our medical supplies.”

==========

All our own saddlebags packed (Rarity had done a really nice job with mine, complete with the red-on-black “2” emblem) full, we set out, with Spike’s “Good luck, Princess!” trailing after me. Adventure lying before us, and any hope of safety lying behind.

I missed safety.

==========

What horrendous monstrosities will our heroes encounter in their valiant fight to save the world? Will they succeed? Do they get hazard pay for any of this? Will the OC be faster than Rainbow Dash? Will he out-magic Twilight? Actually, those are all really good questions. Now I wish I’d thought of them ahead of time. Find out if I thought of answers, too, in the next plausibly-exciting chapter of Based on a True Story!

Chapter Ay Ay Ay -- Because HiE Readers Have Had It Too Good

For the most part, the Everfree Forest was quieter than I remembered it, as in fewer things were trying to eat me. Surely the best kind of quiet. Unless, of course, it was because all those things had been scared off by something even worse. This perhaps best illustrates my hard-won attitude of cautious pessimism.

Five of the mares had kept silent for hours now, though I didn’t know if that lay more in a desire for stealth or just from not being able to get a word in with Pinkie around.

“...And then I said, ‘But we’re not arguing!’ And he said, “We’re doing it right now!’ And then I said ‘So we’re contradicting each other about contradicting each other?’ And then he said ‘Yes!’ And I said ‘So we’re in agreement, then?’ And he said ‘Yes!’ So I said, ‘So we’re not arguing after all?’ And then he got the straaaaangest look on his face, and had to go lie down for a while. You know, sometimes I think that I never will understand donkeys.” She paused, thoughtfully. “I wonder what makes them so weird...”

I had discovered that pony ears could lie pressed against the skull, but it wasn’t enough. By all that was holy, right, and not trying to make my brain hurt, it just wasn’t enough. I finally shot a desperate look at Twilight, who then gave Pinkie a different look and an urgent whisper. “Pinkie -- emergency maneuver Alfalfa Six Trot Roameo Five!”

Pinkie came to attention and saluted crisply. “Ready on your order, ma’am sir!”

“Implement!”

I looked from Pinkie to Twilight, curiously. “Alfalfa Six Whatsit?”

Twilight smiled conspiratorially and whispered, “It means ‘stop talking for five minutes.’”

“Thank you. Very much,” I said.

Rainbow Dash leaned close and chided me, though more gently than I would have expected. “She’s only trying to cheer us up, Drath. She knows we’re feeling bad, and that’s probably harder for her to bear than you can imagine.”

“You’ve all done this before, though, right?” I asked, my own volume instinctively low.

It was Twilight who answered. “It was different then. We didn’t know Luna, and she didn’t really know us. Now she not only knows our weaknesses, but it’s going to be more difficult to face her in battle.” She stopped scanning the forest long enough to give me a look. “I’m one of her few friends, Drath, and that’s important to me.”

I nodded to her somberly. “Maybe she’ll go easier on you?”

“Well, she is planning to end all life on Earth, a world she probably knows I’m on, so I’d be a little hesitant to assume that.”

See? Cautious pessimism: trying to expect the worst you can think of, but knowing that you can only imagine so much. Still, what’s life without surprises?

Under these circumstances? Probably longer.

Twilight smiled radiantly at me. “But expecting the best from her even now? That’s very…”

Applejack stopped and held up a hoof before Twilight could finish, though, and looked into the sky. I followed her gaze, naturally. “A couple... little bats? Tell you what, Twilight can take one of ‘em, the rest of you can handle the...” I trailed off as I looked down to find myself alone among trees and bushes. Seeing a hoof wave at me from one of the bushes and not being completely stupid (“completely” in the mathematical sense here, so 99.995% doesn’t count), I dived into the bush.

Which, unfortunately, surrounded the base of a particularly hard tree. And when I say “particularly hard,” yes, by now I considered myself an expert, having on several occasions given them a firm tap. Usually with my face. Rubbing my head as tenderly as a hoof allowed, I peeked out of the bush and saw shadows, far too big for birds, pass over the space where we’d been standing.

“Some of the pegasi are on her side?” I asked as we left cover. “Some ponies are seriously on the side of someone who wants to end all life on Earth? How do you get that? ‘Yes, I’m going to kill you and everyone you know, but first -- a hefty raise! Best spend it quickly!’ ‘Hey, I’m ending the world, but meanwhile casual Friday is back, and Wednesday’s now free donut day!’”

“It’s loyalty,” said Dash quietly. “Sometimes there’s a downside.”

“‘Casual Friday?’” asked Twilight.

“It’s when you come to work dressed, uh...” I looked at the mostly-naked ponies around me, and shrugged. “I’d explain, but there’s a lot of math.”

“I’m actually pretty good at math,” Twilight said hesitantly.

“Excellent,” I responded, and leveled an expectant look her way. “I’ll let you explain it, then.”

Twilight confidently opened her mouth, paused, and went cross-eyed.

“At least now we know we’re in the right area,” Applejack noted.

“Not really,” Fluttershy responded. “This just means she has scouts where she knew to expect us, and, tactically speaking, neutralizing us would at least be her chief secondary objective.” She caught herself, and blushed adorably -- though for her that last bit might be redundant. “But you’re, you know, probably right. Sorry.”

I looked at the gentle pegasus in amazement. Twilight, her eyes uncrossed by now, chuckled. “You get used to that, too.”

“You have very interesting friends, Twilight Sparkle.” And I was living in interesting times.

We continued on in relative silence for a while. But it turns out that a forest makes a lot of noise, and between my prior experience with forests and the noise seven ponies inevitably make going through one, every rustle in the woods scared the hell out of me. Every minute, I expected cute little ponies with very un-cute swords and spears to leap out from between the trees. I don’t know how cute little ponies could do this so fearlessly. And when Pinkie’s five minutes of silence were up, so help me I was actually grateful.

==========

I was venturing deeper into the forest, with only Fluttershy for company. It was dangerous, yes, but this was an important task. And, truth be told, only I could do what had to be done here. That wasn’t inflated ego talking. It was just a fact.

A very unpleasant fact. It’s not fair. Indiana Jones never had to pee. Captain Kirk never had to ask the Klingons for a bathroom break. Pee Wee Herman never had to use a magical, talking toilet… And wow, someone really would have had a worse life than mine.

“Any of these trees should be safe,” Fluttershy said as she stopped. “I’d avoid the bushes, though, just in case.”

I nodded my thanks and hurried off quickly, practically doing the potty dressage before reaching an out-of-sight bush. Not a tree. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Fluttershy, mind you. Don’t get the wrong idea -- being a bit… creative with the truth now and then doesn’t really mean that you automatically distrust everyone else. If anything, I think it makes you a better judge of whom you can trust, and whom you can’t. Me, I’d trust these ponies more than gravity itself. Which was way more than I’d trust, for example, myself.

The trees, though? Not a chance.

I finished with my, well, business, and was trotting back to Fluttershy when I began to feel a bit less… comfortable.

She saw it instantly. “Oh no! You went in the bushes, didn’t you?”

“Don’t tell me…”

She shook her head. “Some of these are oison oak.”

I frowned at her. “I asked you not to tell me that.” What? Petulant? Me?

“I’m sorry.” Of course she was. She’d probably apologize for a rainy day. As if a pegasus could control the weather. “If it helps,” she continued, “It might have been poison sumac instead.” Fluttershy took another long look at my expression. “That, uh, didn’t help, did it?”

I shook my head, but without real heat. This was my own fault, after all. And considering the specific anatomy involved, this was going to quickly develop into the most indelicate itch ever. Nudity taboo or no, I haven’t seen any of these ponies going around scratching themselves in public.

Her expression turned from sympathetic to subtly coy. “I have a salve I could apply to the affected area…”

And I backed away. “You know, I could just do that myself.”

“Oh, no! It has to be put on just right,” she claimed as she stalked ever-closer with, I swear, a definite hungry look.

I decided that a strategic advance to the rear was advisable. And in case there’s any doubt about what “advance to the rear” means under these rather delicate circumstances, I mean “ran like hell itself was chasing after me with a cute pink mane and waving around a jar of salve.”

I almost made it, too. If I hadn’t tripped on a nearby squirrel frozen and staring at us in apparent disbelief (it’s like they’ve never see Fluttershy chase after an alicorn before), gotten a horn stuck in a tree (which, I’m sure you’ll agree, could happen to anyone in these circumstances), and was too distracted by the pine cones dropping onto my head (et tu, gravity?) to get out quickly, I think I would have gotten back to the party, if not unscathed, then at least unsalved.

When we got back I felt used, dirty, and, unusually enough for my gender, not in a good way. Not that she’d been anything but proper, mind you -- this is Fluttershy, after all, and she stuck to what was, if I had to be reasonable, medically necessary. But being reasonable would have taken all the fun out of being annoyed, and I wasn’t about to do that.

==========

We were making very slow progress, hiding to avoid the infrequent patrols and staying off what few trails there were. With the last of the daylight, Twilight had spotted something and she wanted as few of us as possible to investigate it more closely.

Now, who do you think she picked? Go on, guess. I’ll wait.

“So what is it?” I asked, eyeing the stone building.

“Opportunity,” Twilight whispered back, a little tremor in her voice. Both of us retreated more deeply into the bushes. “It looks like the Night Guard are using an old temple as a field HQ,” she continued. “This could be unbelievably lucky for us.”

Actually, I could believe in any amount of luck at this point. It was only good luck that seemed in short supply. “‘Field HQ’? You really do know everything about everything, don’t you?”

She blushed and smiled shyly at me again. “My brother was captain of the Royal Guard. I picked up a thing or two.”

“‘Royal Guard?‘ Is that some kind of elite fighting force?”

She paused, as if searching for the right words. “...Anyway, it looks empty; her forces might be spread more thinly than I thought. If we can even find some paperwork, maybe something of their scout routes and timetables, it can give us the edge we need.”

“It ‘looks’ empty? Can’t you use magic to find out?”

She gave me a quick shake of her head. “Every mage has her own thaumic signature. If Lun... Nightmare Moon has military-trained unicorns trying to find me, it’d be like sending up a flare,” she said sadly. “Don’t feel bad that you didn’t know that. I only wish we’d had more time to apply your natural brilliance to the study of magic, Drath.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “No telling what I could have accomplished.” Or how many glasses of water I could have blown apart.

Still, if she said investigating the spooky building was a risk worth taking, well, she was probably right. She’d seemed almost annoyingly intelligent once, and not just by virtue of being smarter than I am. That’s nothing new to me, after all. But now that I was counting on her head to keep me alive, I’d become a lot more understanding.

“Time to head back to the others?”

She nodded, and we carefully and quietly started our way back.

“I appreciate your keeping my... little secret,” she said softly. “And no matter how much this situation takes priority, I don’t want you to think that my feelings have changed. I especially want to put to rest any thoughts you might have that I was just attracted to how strange you looked, or some weird thing like that.”

And for today’s special, we have one main course of awkward, served with a slice of humble pie. “I... I don’t know what to think,” I said. Hey, honesty really is the best policy this time. I guess that had to happen someday. “In this body, I’m not even sure what I want to want, if that makes any sense.”

She nodded, eyes downcast. “I think I understand. And I wouldn’t expect someone as wise as yourself to choose to remain in your current body, no matter what advantages it might have.”

“Wait,” I said as I leapt to conclusions in a single bound. “Do you mean... OK, are we asking whether I would give up my home, my family, my entire world, everything I know, and perhaps, in a very real sense, my very being as well, just because this body has over a foot of, um...?”

She began to protest, “I would never accuse you of being that shallow or juv...”

“Because that’s a decent question,” I continued. “Odd that it never occurred to me before.” Which is perhaps the best evidence for how scary all this was. If I’d been told that as a bicorn I could now pour beer out of my left ear and nachos from my right -- yes, I dream big -- it would’ve been but a footnote in the story of fear and suffering my life had become. I could only hope it wasn’t a short story. Well, now I could also hope to stop thinking about what ear-flavored beer would taste like.

She frowned at me. “Well, whatever you decide, I do have one thing to ask. Could you keep this from the girls?”

“I think I can manage that, yes.” Because that’s just the kind of guy I am; specifically, the kind that doesn’t like massive amounts of pain, and, considering what might happen to me if they did find out, this was tantamount to her asking me -- very politely -- to not set fire to my own lips. “Anything for a friend, Twilight.”

“Thanks, Drath, I appreciate it. There’s a shortage of stallions around Ponyville, and frankly I’m almost surprised none of the other bearers have approached you yet.”

“Whoda thunk it?” Technically, this wasn’t a lie. Dishonest? Yes, certainly dishonest -- but not, technically, a lie.

“It’s rough on the stallions, too. Poor Macintosh is always so exhausted that every time I see him, he can only get a couple syllables out.”

“Yeah. Poor guy.” I didn’t like to think of myself as a prude, mind you, but this conversation was starting to get just a tad uncomfortable. Admittedly, I didn’t like to think of myself at all, under the principle that the unexamined life is just a lot simpler.

Twilight’s expression showed her to be pondering imponderables. “I’m afraid to ask what happened before applebucking season a couple years back. All I know is, he was bandaged up and barely able to walk, and Carrot Top’s never been able to look at duct tape or tapioca pudding the same way since.” OK, so not imponderables; just things better off left unpondered.

And the squick-o-meter had just pegged. “Twilight, do you know what ‘too much information’ is?”

She looked at me, puzzled. “A contradiction in terms?”

“...Never change, Twilight.”

==========

The bearers, gathered together again, crept into the darkened temple. Me, I was confident. What? Not expecting that? That’s because I finally had this world figured out. It liked to go against my immediate expectations, time and again. Which meant that a raid into a darkened temple, surrounded by who knows how many roaming Night Guard but with a mysterious absence of them in their actual headquarters, was so obviously a trap that I knew it could not possibly, in a million years, in any way, shape, or form, ever actually be a trap.

Wait. I froze, as a thought occurred to me -- yeah, I hate when that happens. That means I’m not expecting an ambush, and that means... Aw, hell no. Sure enough, globes around the inside of the temple sprang into sudden brilliance, stabbing at my dark-adjusted vision and casting crazy shadows from a dozen Night Guard ponies. I’m so glad I went to the bathroom already.

I hate my life. On the plus side, right now it looked like that wasn’t going to be an issue much longer.

A coruscation of red threw back the foe. “Get out as fast as you can!” Twilight shouted in a voice strained with effort. It was an order I’d anticipated and was already doing my level best to carry out, heading for the exit as fast as my hooves would carry me. My courageous whimpers (courageous versus screaming in abject terror like I wanted to, so it counts) got louder as I saw the heavy door start to slowly close, but only a little louder. By now I figured that was just what heavy stone doors do when I’m on the wrong side of them.

I got out first, followed by Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, Twilight and, finally, Rainbow Dash. Believe it or not, we didn’t get out just barely in time; there was still plenty of room for a pony to go through the doorway. Twilight’s horn flared with its characteristic aura as she forced the Night Guards back, and it was obviously a strain for her, but she looked confident, so even that wasn’t a problem. It was all going well. Too well. Yes, any good news at all was too much good news for comfort, but this was suspiciously, conspicuously auspicious. It was like the world just wanted to watch me squirm for a while. And this time it didn’t even have the grace to be subtle about it.

Then came a cry of such despair and heart-wrenching pain that, to this very day, I remember it had not only despair, but also heart-wrenching pain. “My hat!”

“AJ, no!” Rarity cried. It was too late, and the cowpony had plunged back inside with Rainbow Dash hard on her tail, just before the door closed. We all stared at each other as scream after agonized scream erupted from within, muffled but beyond mere stone’s ability to completely quench.

The door was wrapped in a red glow that quickly flickered out. “It’s been charmed against my magic.” Twilight stamped a furious hoof. “Luna charmed it against me, personally!”

“We simply must do something,” Rarity declared. “Listen to that! Those fiends are taking their own sweet time with whatever foul tortures they’re inflicting!” And indeed, the screams, though hard to hear, hadn’t dampened down at all, merely shifted in focus. Less filled with pain and terror, they were now colored more with desperate anguish and raw hopelessness. “And when I say ‘we’ must do something, I of course mean Twilight.”

“I’ve got an idea!” Twilight’s magic enveloped Dash’s canteen and placed it next to the door. “Everypony clear! Drath, go!”

What could I do? I might have been growing a conscience, but I preferred to think of it as being blindly caught up in the moment, if only because that’s less apt to be a permanent affliction. There was really only thing I was good at in this world -- other than inadvertent self-injury -- and, once everyone was clear, I did it. The canteen erupted with enough force to blow a pony-sized hole in the heavy door. The friends were on their way in before the dust settled; sensibly enough, I suppose, as that blast might’ve disoriented anybody on the inside.

And then me. After all, with the blast we might have an advantage for a few, scant moments, and it’d better to catch them off-guard than face them after they’d had time to prepare. Following them in was really the sensible thing to do.

Besides, it was dark outside and I didn’t have anyone to hide behind.

“All right!” I roared once inside. “I’m here to kick ass and chew bubblegum!” Definitely caught up in the moment -- that was a relief.

I looked around at the assorted unconscious ponies decorating the floor, the furniture, and an overhead light. My gaze then turned to where Applejack, her ponytail in considerable disarray, was stalking closer to one cowering, bat-winged pony, and it occurred to me that I’d only assumed it was Applejack and Rainbow Dash doing the screaming we’d heard. That lone guardspony must have been a little smarter than the rest, as he held up Applejack’s hat between the advancing cowpony and his shivering self, while entirely avoiding Dash’s nearby glower of doom. No doubt that was why he was still upright while his comrades looked like advertisements for pain relievers, first aid kits, and, in one particularly unfortunate case, a dentist capable of glowing orb extraction. I guess that pony was left a little light-headed.

Sorry.

The cowpony snatched it out of his hooves and set it firmly atop her head, glaring at the minion before walking back to us. “My pa gave me that hat.”

“...And I’m all out of ass,” I finished lamely. “Anybody have some bubblegum?”

==========

Now that we were back on track to the castle, I didn’t even try to hide how impressed I was with Applejack and Rainbow Dash. But first, I had more important matters to settle.

“‘Light-headed’? Come on, Pinkie, tell me you get that one, at least.”

Pinkie chuckled. Quietly, and clearly out of pity. And, like everything else done out of pity, I’d take it.

“So… You two handled a dozen ponies between you?”

“I guess I was feelin’ a mite ornery,” Applejack said, evidently a little embarrassed. “And Dash ran into several of them.”

Dash snorted. “I told you, AJ, that’s a perfectly legitimate move in Bronc Fu. I swear, talking with you, sometimes, I might as well be talking to myself.”

And I really needed to think about a new flight instructor.

“Have you been practicing with your Element?” Twilight then asked, changing the subject while conveniently also striking dread into my soul, and doing it the same way she often does -- with innocent glee. Here I’d almost been enjoying a moment quietly walking through the forest, trying to get over my last brush with death, when she had to go exploring brand new ways for me to meet a horrible demise. Then again, what are friends for?

“Not exactly practicing. Not as such, anyway.” After my attempts at magic before, not to mention flying or even applebucking and all the relevant bruises, trying something brand new wasn’t exactly next on my list of things to do. I mean, I knew it was probably important, and it was on my list, of course. In fact, it came just after “dying of old age.”

“The Elements chose you to bear this, Drath, and yours is different from ours. The Elements we bear are something we represent, but for you that would only be true if you were able to, I don’t know, fertilize crops.” I took a quick look around, half-expecting Spike to appear out of nowhere with a ready comparison to a bag of manure, but for once the laws of physics acted as if they were on my side. “You should probably try, Drath. We don’t reach the castle today, anyway. We’ll make camp in a while, and then continue in the morning. And even then we probably won’t hit the castle until seventeen hundred hours.”

“Seventeen hundred hours, huh? There’s no rush, then, right?” I mean, at twenty-four hours a day, that’d be, like, months from now. Dagnabit, I knew I should have packed more.

She just looked at me with those incredibly big eyes, eyes holding far more confidence in me than anyone had ever had. Also more confidence than anyone had ever really had reason to have in me, and that’s what convinced me. Maybe, just maybe, I could stretch myself a little for my friends, these ponies who had done so much for me. Maybe I could try to be less the pony I was, and more the pony they saw. So I took out my bubblegum (Pinkie had some “just in case”) and concentrated. My necklace glowed, and, after a while, it felt good. It felt really, really good.

And apparently it wasn’t just me. Twilight And Dash looked more relaxed, Fluttershy and Rarity less worried, Applejack almost giddy, and Pinkie looked... Well, Pinkie Pie looked the same, but that doesn’t really prove anything.

“Something’s wrong,” I said. I felt fine. Better than fine. I felt great. And that just couldn’t be good. “Twilight, something terrible is happening, has happened, or is going to happen, or, um, something.” That should narrowed it down for her, right? Never let it be said that I didn’t do my part.

She eyed my Element and shook her head. “Stop using it, Drath. Everypony, wait where we are.” She took several deep breaths and, taking this as probably the smart thing to do, I did the same. Gradually, I could feel my head clear. “That’s better,” she said. “Drath, I’ve never been so grateful for your keen intellect. I’m not sure I would’ve recognized the effects of nitrous oxide in time.”

“Ah.” Because it sounds so much more suave and sophisticated than “Huh?”

Twilight flushed, and half-turned away. “I didn’t account for the possibility that you’d be adding nitrogen to the atmospheric oxygen as a compound instead of a mixture.” She looked down and idly dug a hoof into the dirt. “I must look like such an idiot to you. Can you ever forgive me?”

I smiled generously. “You forget, Princess, that I’m every bit as wise as I am intelligent.” It was an even trade -- I let her know all was forgiven, and her grateful smile back let me know that I wouldn’t have to admit not having the faintest idea what she was talking about.

In any case, all this had shown me two things. First, yes, I could stretch myself a little for my friends. And, second, not to.

==========

I don’t remember sleeping that night. I must have, though; I’m told that apparently being a magical fantasy pony doesn’t mean that you don’t snore. We broke camp to confront (and no doubt suffer from) a brand new day, but by mid-morning Pinkie was getting to me again. And this time she’d picked the one way to do so that I never in a million years would have expected. Not from her.

She was being quiet and sad.

“Pinkie? It’s not that bad. I honestly think we’ll be OK,” I assured her. And it was true -- except for the “honestly” part, of course. Really, though, if things were bad enough to get her this depressed…

Pinkie shook her head and gave me half a smile. “I’m not worried about that,” she said, and my spirits lifted. “Not with you along. You’ll keep us safe.” And then I held up and closely examined was left of my morale -- while being careful not to sneeze.

How did I not see that coming? “Well, what’s wrong, then? I mean, aside from the end of the world,” I appended hastily. It’s just that usually that last part goes without saying.

“Today’s Mrs. Cake’s birthday,” she said quietly while her smile, such as it was, gradually faded.

“Mrs… Who?”

“Cup Cake. She owns the bakery I work at. And live at. And she’s been really, really nice to me, especially when I needed somepony really, really nice to me.”

“Like… family?” Pie and Cake -- either that makes sense, somehow, or I’ve just been here too long.

She nodded again and turned her face from me, but her voice gave the tears away whether they’d been shed or not. “More like family than my family. And she’s going to have to settle for a non-Pinkie Pie party today.”

That was the last straw, and I mean the very last straw. Here we were, likely trekking to our doom, for some scant chance that we and the rest of this crazy world could see more than a few more crazy days to abuse me with. And this pony, this Pinka-whosis Di-something Pie, was worried. She wasn’t worried about any of the myriad ways we could suffer and die. She wasn’t worried about anyone’s survival at all. She wasn’t even worried about whether Mrs. Cake would have a party. This weird little pink chatterbox was worried that Mrs. Cake’s party might be just a little less festive. It was finally too much for me to handle.

I sighed, reached over to her, and gave her as big a hug as I could.

Yep. I’ve been here way too long. “Tell you what -- when we defeat Nightmare Moon, she can have my place at the party you’ll throw.”

She looked at me again, this time with a completely genuine smile. And, really, her face just didn’t look the same without one. “She can?”

“Absolutely.” I mean, come on. A party where I’d almost inevitably be a guest of honor? That wouldn’t be tempting fate; that’d be bending over and showing fate a “kick me” sign while juggling live piranha and wearing a jock strap made of tuna fish.

And it made Pinkie happy. If the world really was ending, I might as well get my occasional good deed done early this year.

==========

And then Darth nobly… Wait, this is italicized, isn’t it? Is it the end-of-chapter notes already?

So, story-wise what to expect next? Excitement! Peril! Raw, heart-felt emotion! Deep musings on the nature of reality and our place in it! Penguins! I’ll definitely try to fit at least one of those into the next chapter of Based on a True Story!

Chapter Didgeridoo -- Insert Evil Laugh Here

As we trekked through a pass, the castle finally came into view in the distance. “Whoa,” I intoned. Seventeen hundred hours? Oh, of course -- I’ve been so stupid! This is a magical world; time must flow differently here. That’s when I noticed that the other ponies had stopped and were staring at me. I shook my head, heroically sparing the world the saddest sigh ever. Not that kind of “whoa.” But it was then that a wash of dark swept over us like a fog and, when it cleared there were seven different images ahead.

“You were on the ball again, Drath,” Twilight said grimly. “I don’t know how you knew that was coming... But I do know what these are.”

“Of course you do,” came that voice from my nightmare, all around us. “It’s not complicated. Face them, if you dare. Or turn back. Turn back, and spend what time you can with your loved ones. Don’t leave them to wonder about you as they shiver in the dark, alone and afraid.”

“Our innermost fears?” I guessed. Twilight nodded shakily, eyes wide, but I hadn’t really needed the confirmation. It wasn’t hard to see. It wasn’t subtle. And the only way forward was through one of them.

Ponies that must have been her family lay dead, singed and smoking, as another Twilight wept over them.

Sweet Apple Acres lay in ruins, and the Apple family even I’d come to, well, tolerate, sat there listlessly, shivering, as ribs showed through emaciated chests.

An ersatz Pinkie ran from pony to pony, each one sobbing as she approached. You could see the life go out of each of them in turn and, bit by bit, out of her as well.

Dead and dying animals lay around an image of Fluttershy as she mouthed one silent apology after another.

A lookalike for Rainbow Dash , one wing missing, sat in a chair, staring vacantly at the sky.

Another Rarity wept as Sweetie Belle walked away from her to join another group of ponies, all sharing the same disgusted look as they turned their backs on the fashionista.

A tree sat in a field, its limbs swaying gently in the breeze.

“A tree?” Rainbow Dash asked. “A tree? Really?”

“You don’t know them like I do.” And that had sounded a lot more impressive in my head. Even with all the echo-y acoustics.

Twilight, shaken as she was, still managed a slight smile. “I think I know which nightmare to tackle.” And so we overcame another challenge and, as the tree was only there because of me, I should point out that my part was, technically, indispensable. OK, so being publicly exposed for treeophobia still wasn’t my proudest moment -- probably more in the middle. But we got through it together, with only a few whimpers, moans, and tears. All of which the mares were very understanding about.

==========

“That’s the castle?” I asked. Now that we were closer, it looked odder than I expected. Some towers stood proud, and in other places it looked more like someone had a lot of leftover bricks and this had looked like a good place to stack them. Either the castle was over a thousand years old, this had been the site of a terrible battle, or pony architecture was just weird. Maybe all three, but… Nah. What are the odds?

“The Castle of the Two Sisters,” Twilight agreed. “And we have to be very careful here. It’s not even six o’clock, and it’s already dark.” She caught my eye. “It shouldn’t be, this time of year.”

I froze mid-stupid-question, unblinking. So. It was night early. Oh.

It was night early because of Nightmare Moon. Tell me this isn’t happening.

One pony changed the sky. I shouldn’t be here. This was a mistake.

I mean, I knew she was planning to bring about eternal night, but it hadn’t really sunk in. It couldn’t have sunk in, really -- it never had a chance. After all, I had a lifetime of nobody being able to go all emo and change the freakingsky. And yet, there it was. It was impossible, undeniable, and scary as hell.

I was already tired, sweaty, hungry, thirsty, dirty, and sore, and now you could add terrified beyond all capacity for rational thought. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to hide. I wanted to curl into a little ball and suck my thumb, and now I didn’t even have thumbs. And I’ve never been so tempted to just walk back to Ponyville, jump in bed, and wait it all out with the blankets pulled up over my ears. Even if said ears were a bit longer and probably needed a little more blanket lately.

I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. And it wasn’t because of the mere fact that if the world ended, I’d end with it no matter where I was or how tight a ball I’d curled up in. No, it was because I was surrounded by mares who’d stepped forward when the call came. They all been, even Fluttershy and Rarity, courageous, uncomplaining, and completely ignorant of what kind of pressure that put on me. Hardly considerate of them, I know.

There were only a few of the Night Guard set around the base of one tower. I thought my fellow bearers might be able to take them -- while I offered vital moral support, of course. But apparently the bearers wouldn’t kill, and I wasn’t so sure about the enemy.

“It’s time to risk using a spell, and put that shapeshifting trick you taught me into use, Drath,” Twilight announced a little too brightly. She looked at me, eyes pleading.

“Yes,” I said slowly. “It is a good time to use the spell that I taught you for that, uh, thing. Shiftshaping. What you said.”

“Wait here, everypony,” Twilight said, and as she moved into the clearing she flickered with green flame, and it was a bigger, darker alicorn who walked up to a pegasus in black barding. Technically, Twilight was now in the body from my dreams… Just not in a good way. She was a dead ringer for Nightmare Moon. My brain knew she was really still sweet little Twilight Sparkle, but it only barely managed to convince my bladder.

“Your Highness,” the pegasus said as she came to attention. “I wasn’t aware that you’d left the tower.”

“Communications have been compromised, Captain,” the alicorn announced tersely. “Send word by messenger that no communications are to be sent or received by spell until further notice. Also, the entire Night Guard is to assemble in the depression five kilometers directly south of here.”

The pegasus tensed and grated out, in a voice dripping with suspicion, “Twilight Sparkle.”

“...What?”

Rainbow Dash moved faster than I could react -- but not faster than Pinkie, who quickly held a hoof in front of Dash’s chest. “Wait,” Pinkie whispered urgently, more serious than I’d ever seen her before.

The black-barded pegasus continued, “It was that know-it-all Twilight Sparkle that got into our communications spellwork, wasn’t it? That officious little nag!”

The alicorn had retreated slightly. “Uh, I hear that she’s actually quite nice when you get to know her. And that know-it-all reputation? Totally undeserved.”

The pegasus snorted. “Of course, your Highness.”

“And I would never call her ‘officious.’ As a matter of fact, she’s really very down-to-Earth. Sweet and humble to a fault, that pony.”

“If you say so, your Highness.”

“As a matter of fact, I do say so! Anypony would be lucky to have a friend like her!” Twilight glanced over the pegasus, then prodded a flank. “And frankly it wouldn’t hurt you to cut down on the muffins. But then, a friend like Twilight would have let you know about that, wouldn’t she?”

The pegasus was incredulous. “Your Highness?”

Twilight’s voice -- well, technically Nightmare Moon’s voice, but you know what I mean -- would brook no questions, even rhetorical ones. “Is someone asking for laps around that depression, Lieutenant?”

“Yes, your Highness! I mean no, your Highness! Carrying out your orders right away, your Highness!”

The dark alicorn took wing just after the dismayed pegasus flew off, and then dropped silently back into the forest behind us, where once again she became Twilight Sparkle, albeit one who was muttering under her breath. “‘Know-it-all’... show her ‘know-it-all’...”

“That was really impressive!” Fluttershy said, eyes wide.

Twilight stopped mid-rant and blushed. “Well, it was...”

“You’ve been here less than a week and you’ve already mastered magic even Twilight hasn’t!”

“Indeed,” Rarity breathed. “You never cease to amaze me, Drath.”

Twilight was rolling her eyes so hard, I was afraid the rest of her was going to spin in the opposite direction. I fought down a smile and noted, “Well, your friends probably expect you to be brilliant by now, Twilight.” Yes, I am allowed to say something smart now and then, and I think I was due; it seemed to me like half my conversation so far had been more along the lines of “What?”, “Huh?”, and “Help! Get it off me!”

Rainbow Dash noticed, too. “It’s no reason to be jealous, Twilight. It’s just rare that such a fine pony comes along.”

Pinkie nodded firmly. “Any mare would be proud to have such a fine stallion.”

I could feel the friends rapidly approaching a breakthrough in communications, and it was one I badly wanted to avoid. After all, if they got into an argument now, we wouldn’t function as smoothly as a team. And the same would probably apply if they killed me and hid the body. “Let’s move out.”

Twilight nodded, and looked at her friends. “For Equestria.” She was echoed by the other members of the group.

Well, all but one, who might have said something more along the lines of “For crying out loud.” Ponies have good ears, as it turns out, and at Twilight’s look, I shrugged. “Um, fierce battle cries of, uh, ferocity, that is. I’ll explain later. If there is one.”

“Drath,” she asked, “Have you had much combat experience?”

“Only in simulation,” I answered. That such simulations were games where dying usually just meant time for another round of nachos while waiting to respawn seemed one of those unnecessary little details. Like not being any good at those games.

“I’d welcome any tactical advice you might have,” she said hopefully.

What, like "stay behind cover and look for power-ups?" “The scenarios were too different, Twilight, sorry. I don’t think the experience would apply here.” In much the same way that, though they both involve eating, you couldn’t learn to be a food critic by playing Pac-Man.

Dash looked at Twilight. “Do you think we’ll finally get a medal this time?”

I interrupted, “Seven ponies going up against the veritable incarnation of night? I think we deserve at least a Darwin Award.” And that probably didn’t come with a medal, but then again our position wouldn’t be one to object. Our position would be more, well, horizontal.

We encountered no opposition as we crept up the tower’s spiral staircase. Every step brought me closer to what felt like my death, and by the time we reached the top, my heart was pounding like it wanted to tear itself out of my chest. Then again, that was a lot of steps, and I don’t do a lot of cardio.

“Wait,” Pinkie hissed. She brought her pet out of her pack, and set it on the steps before us. “Gummy has a plan!”

“Gummy,” said Twilight as she looked at Pinkie. “Gummy has a plan.” She shrugged and, along with the rest of us, gazed expectantly at the baby alligator. He reared up to his full height (such as it was), took a step forward... And toppled, face-forward, onto the uppermost step, where he basically drooled a little. OK, that’s not quite fair to him. He drooled a lot.

“That was a good try, Gummy!” Pinkie cheered quietly. She hastily put him back into her saddlebags, and looked expectantly at Twilight.

Twilight stared back for a few seconds, one eye twitching, then took a deep, calming breath. “Then let’s proceed with Plan B,” she said a little sharply. “The one where we don’t depend on the baby alligator. Everypony watch out so you don’t step in gator spit. All right, girls. Sorry, and Drath.” Her horn began to glow. “On three...”

==========

“Three!” The door flew open and we all charged in. I went in last, and that would indeed probably have been the safest position if the door hadn’t swung back in time to catch my nose. I stumbled, tripped over my own legs (easier to do now that they’ve multiplied) and went down, but rolled and came up again onto my hooves -- and caught an admiring glance from Twilight at the end.

“Wow,” she whispered as she looked around. “A combat roll?”

“I learned it from a legendary soldier.” I was pretty sure Captain Kirk qualified.

The room was empty. Despite the lack of an omnicidal nightmare pony, I wasn’t relieved in the slightest. After all, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d actually had a pleasant surprise.

“She’s here,” Twilight said as she explored the room. “I know it.”

“Ooooh! It’s like Hide and Seek!” Pinkie cried happily.

“No, it’s like I take your hides and you leak,” came Nightmare Moon’s voice. We spun, and behind us a cloud of dark sparkles formed itself into a mare, standing in the doorway we came through. I checked quickly; yep that was the only exit to the room. Of course that was the only exit to the room.

Great. An ancient, evil near-goddess between us and the only way out. This is so gonna suck. I could have really used another exit. Or a grenade.

Or my mommy. Preferably with a grenade.

“It’s a pity my Night Guards did not finish you,” Nightmare Moon purred. “It would have been kinder, and I think I have a few, small embers of pity left in my heart.”

“Luna,” Twilight began, “If there’s any trace of our friendship...”

“Sorry,” Nightmare answered, “Luna doesn’t live here anymore. Luna was a weak little pony, content to only shine by her sister’s light. Even Luna didn’t like being Luna, or I wouldn’t be here.” She shook her head as if with sorrow. “Why would I ever want to be that pathetic little joke again? Luna’s dead, and good riddance.”

“I don’t believe you!” Twilight cried. “Girls, get ready!”

“Yes, that’s right. The Elements of Harmony. I must have forgotten! For example, Dash, with her Element of Loyalty. But you know where your loyalty truly lies, don’t you, Rainbow Dash? Haven’t you always looked out for yourself, first? You, who dream of leaving Ponyville’s weather in other hooves while you seek glory as a Wonderbolt? Leaving your friends behind? Knowing that if they ever needed help, the one pony who could get to them the fastest just wouldn’t be there.”

“I... I’d never leave them unless they were in good hooves!” But Dash’s necklace glowed a little more faintly.

“And Rarity. Tell me, Rarity, when you’ve been oh-so generous, wasn’t there usually something for you in it? You give away dresses, to be sure, but if they catch on, you get the credit, don’t you?”

“Of course I want credit,” Rarity said. “But that’s not why I give things away or do things for my friends. I do it because I enjoy doing it!”

“So, then, you do get something from it? Joy?” And the Element of Generosity dimmed. “Fluttershy! Kind, sweet, gentle Fluttershy! Fluttershy, who stands by while some of her animal friends hunt down, kill, and devour others.”

“Never!” Fluttershy’s voice rang with confidence I didn’t expect. “My pets...”

“Your pets, no, but the others in the forest? How painful it must be to you, knowing that those you love will always betray your kindness, and that your kindness, in the long run, accomplishes nothing.” Another necklace dimmed.

“And Pinkie Pie!” Nightmare Moon continued mercilessly. “You’ll laugh at anything, won’t you?”

“Hey! Not just anything!”

The dark alicorn laughed chillingly, and Pinkie joined in. At our incredulous stares, Pinkie just shrugged. “I can’t help it! Laughter’s infectious.”

“Like ebola,” I grumbled.

“Do you see what I mean, Pinkie?” Nightmare Moon asked archly.

Pinkie thought about that. “Nope.”

The Nightmare sighed, and, so help me, for a moment I actually felt sorry for her. “Can I come back to you later?”

“Okee dokee!”

“Um, maybe we should, like, attack now?” I suggested. “Instead of waiting for her to depower us all?”

Twilight looked at me, eyes wide. “We can do that? It really is more polite to let her finish first, you know.”

But before I could gather enough snide together for a proper response, the Nightmare interrupted. “Twilight Sparkle! My dear, dear sister’s faithful student! Your sheer, raw, magical power is indeed impressive. If only it were coupled with a mind to match.”

“Now wait just a minute.” Rainbow Dash spoke up a fraction of a second before the rest. “Twi’s the smartest pony I know!”

“Smart, yes. Undeniably smart. Incredibly smart. Completely sane? Not so much.” Nightmare Moon’s gaze held Twilight’s. “You never do believe you’re quite good enough, do you? You never quite trust yourself, deep down. And you’re right. You threw an entire town into chaos over one homework assignment. Somepony could have gotten seriously hurt. You were lucky then. Will you be as lucky next time?”

The gem in Twilight’s tiara dimmed -- and then flared again, brighter than before. The little alicorn looked the larger in the eye. “That was true before, but, with the help of my friends, I’ve bettered myself. That’s something friends do, Nightmare Moon, and your little game won’t shake me.”

The Nightmare, though, far from being upset, only grinned at her. “What about your library’s indexing system?”

Twilight took a step back, and as she spoke the muscles in her jaw clenched. “What. About. My. Indexing. System?”

“It’s archaic and sub-optimal,” the Nightmare declared, every note dripping with venom. “Not to mention, giving catalog numbers to fiction is just silly. And then using imaginary numbers? That’s just pathetic.”

“But... fiction... imaginary...” The little alicorn was sputtering with rage. “You monster! That’s it! Blast her, girls! Sorry -- and Drath!”

“And you, Drath? You’re a bigger fraud than...” Nightmare Moon stopped and took another, closer look at me. “My heavens, Drath, what happened to your head?”

“It’s supposed to look like that!”

“Really? With the one horn pointing a little off to one side like that?” I could see her squint, as if that would actually help.

“Yes, really! It’s been like that ever since this was done to me,” I answered in a low tone.

“‘Cept a few bumps here and there,” Applejack threw in helpfully.

Nightmare Moon tilted her head this way and that. “What happened? When you were transforming, did somepony drop her Element or something?”

“Will you please shut up about my head?” I felt like beating that same head against something in frustration. Where was a tree when you really needed one?

Her tone became conspiratorial. “I might be able to fix that. You know, before I end the world and all. Come over to my side.”

“No! I’ll never join you!” In my defence, that line was original to this universe.

“Did I mention free donut day?”

I double-facehoofed at that -- and at the surprising temptation it generated, which I put down to a sweet tooth that came from being afflicted with an acute case of pony. I also found out why double-facehoofing is a bad idea for a quadruped. “Arrrg! Twilight, I believe we were about to blast?”

A wave of rainbow color leapt from the Elements and wrapped around Nightmare Moon like a bubble. Upon which she laughed, reached out with a hoof, and shattered the bubble.

“She’s weakened us,” Twilight said incredulously. “She’s reached into our heads and... and she got to us.”

Applejack shook her head ruefully. “Maybe we should have learned from when Discord did the pretty much the same thing to us?”

Twilight blushed furiously. “Sorry, I didn’t see it happening until it was too late. This isn’t as thorough, but it looks like it doesn’t need to be.”

“Yeah, Twilight, I see that.” I’d been really counting on her to do all the heavy thinking here. This wasn’t laziness, but simple recognition of her intellectual gifts. OK, maybe a bit of both. “You have a backup plan, right?”

She gave me a steady gaze before whispering back, “Not for this. Not yet. But distract her for sixty seconds and I will.”

I gave her, believe it or not, an actual grin back. Partly because, despite the setback, I still had every confidence in her. Mostly because if I switched sides I’d still get killed anyway. Well, it’s smart to consider all your options. Isn’t it? Fine. The next time you’re faced with choosing between a horrible, agonizing death and free donuts, see how you feel. And in my defense, with the end of the world and all, it’s not like the calories would even count.

But first, let me explain how brilliant I was about to be. After all, it only happened once in my life, and I wouldn’t want you to miss it. I’d figured out this world. Well, yes, I’ve said that before, but it was totally for realsies this time. My true talent wasn’t blowing up containers of water. It wasn’t self-injury, either. Or even nitrogen. My truest gift was that, ponies aside, this world absolutely hated me.

And I could use that. I could also see this becoming the strangest battle cry ever.

“So,” I said. “You were listing my flaws?”

The world couldn’t resist, as I knew it couldn’t, and Nightmare Moon continued. “You’re the biggest fraud of all. You care only about yourself. You’re an idiot pretending to be a genius.”

This was too much for Twilight to take, “Hey! I keep telling everypony, he’s much smarter than he looks!” She hesitated. “I know that leaves a lot of room…”

“Twilight?” I sighed.

“Yes, Drath?”

“You can stop helping now.”

Nightmare Moon continued relentlessly. “You don’t have the courage to let any of these mares, who’ve done so much for you, down easily, but you keep stringing them along.”

I ignored both the gasps and the subsequent mutterings around me. “All true,” I said slowly. “And you’re probably going easy on me.”

“Like I said,” she continued. “I have a few sparks of pity left, and you? You could earn them all. You’ve been gifted with great power, all unearned, and done nothing with it. You skate by on dumb luck and the hard work of those who would be your friends, if you were but fit to have them. You could have been their champion; instead, they got a clown. Your only measurable contribution was to have the single stupidest innermost fear I’ve seen in tens of thousands of years.”

“But it was a contribution,” I said stubbornly. “It counts, right? And I did beat Rainbow Dash in a race.” At her look of puzzlement, I explained, “I was the first out of that temple trap.”

“Rainbow Dash was held back by her feelings of loyalty to her friends.”

“And I was held back by my complete lack of athletic skill. I figure it all balances out. And then there was when I out-magiced Twilight and blew a hole in the door.”

“Because the door was charmed against her? Any other reasonably competent mage could have done the job!”

“Exactly! I was still able to do it, despite being nowhere near competent!” This was working. All I had to continue to do was to say one idiotic thing after another. I’ve so got this!

She narrowed her eyes and continued. “If stupidity were, in fact, an Element, you, my dear Drath, would bear it. You’ve led them all here, knowing death awaited them. You know, I think I’ll save you for last, if only to see whether or not somepony really can die from sheer shame. And at the end, at the very end, Drath, I will be doing everypony a little favor when I end your miserable existence. One small parting gift to the world, you might say.”

“No you won’t,” I said confidently.

“Oh?” She laughed again, chillingly. “And why is that?”

“Because it’s been a minute,” I announced with pride. “Twilight, save my ass!” I waited confidently. And then waited less confidently. And then looked at Twilight. “That actually means ‘save all of me...’”

“I think I’ve figured that phrase out,” she said apologetically. “But it’s only been forty-five seconds. Could you give me another few?”

My disbelieving stare was met only with earnest innocence. I looked over at a Nightmare Moon, and, well, to say that she was “put out” would not have done justice to the look she gave me. “Homicidal rage consuming her entire being, and a desire to end my life, tempered only by the desire to see me suffer longer” would definitely have been closer.

“Um... would those have included maple bars?” Her expression didn’t change a hair. “Old-fashioned, glazed? Buttermilk bars?” The dark nimbus that gathered around her horn told me that she’d made the whole “kill him quickly” vs. “prolonged torture” decision, and I have to say I wasn’t overly curious to find out which one she picked. Intellectually, I decided this was time for another tactic, so I intelligently hid behind Fluttershy. “Twilight, helllllllllllllllllllllllp!”

“I’ve got it!” Twilight cried out. “Hit her again, girls! Not you, Drath.” The rainbow swept over Nightmare Moon again, bringing forth a bored roll of her eyes.

“Drath,” Twilight ground out as she concentrated. “Your Element! Use it around her!”

“But she’s shielded,” Dash objected before I managed to say it. Really. Another week and I would’ve thought of that one.

“And if her shield were airtight, she’d suffocate,” Twilight answered. And thinking of that particular point would have only taken me... Um.

I worked my Element and, well, I can confidently report that it might have been doing something. You do know that, for me, that’s boundless optimism, right?

Nightmare Moon giggled. This was a good sign. Or a bad sign, come to think of it, if she was only laughing at how ineffectual I was. Or merely a coincidence; she might have just remembered a particularly funny joke. Never mind.

“Pour it on, everypony!” Twilight shouted. “The gas will weaken her concentration!”

“Foalish foals!” Nightmare roared. “If you even think that you... Wait, that was repetitive, wasn’t it? Um. Foalish... Um.”

“Yes!” I exulted. I’m doing something right! And no way am I saying that out loud.

“If you think...” The Princess of Night, mistress of nightmares, and potential destroyer of all life giggled again as the storm of color around her wavered and pressed inward. “Wooooooh. Heh. Where was I? Something about endless night and the destruction of all life on Earth? Something? Come on, a little help here?” Shaking her head, she staggered back a little and into the entryway.

“More!” Dash yelled. “I think we’re almost through!”

“We’ll have our princess back any time now!” Applejack drawled.

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooh.... Pretty colors.” The Princess of Night wobbled a bit on her hooves, stepped back again... and slipped on a wet spot at the top of the stairs. “Whoopsies!” She fell back, out of sight. A series of painful-sounding thuds, thumps, and giggles descended the spiral staircase as the mares traded increasingly horrified looks, before the echoes faded out in the distant depths.

“Oh my,” Fluttershy fretted. “I do hope she’s OK.”

“She’ll be fine,” Applejack assured her. “She’s tough. Right, Twilight?”

Twilight nodded, hesitantly, as we all crept toward the door. “Sure. Alicorns are about the toughest things around. The odds are she’ll just need some bandaging and she’ll be fine.”

“Odds?” Rarity inquired delicately, still concerned.

“Well, very rarely, an oxidizer like nitrous oxide combined with an intense source of magic can cause a rogue exponential exothermic event.”

I had a strong suspicion that, this time, I finally wasn’t alone in my ignorance. “In Engl... In whatever language the rest of us are speaking, Twilight?”

There was a rumble deep within the tower, and, hard on its heels, a sudden blast of pressure and heat erupted through the door, where it caught us up and slammed us down against the shaking floor. It echoed around the room, assaulting our eardrums for a fraction of a second that seemed like forever, before dying down. There was a very long pause indeed as dust settled from the ceiling and we got to our hooves, nobody quite looking at anybody else.

I broke the awkward silence. “Never mind, Twilight. I think I’ve figured it out.”

“I still have the bandages...” Rainbow Dash started hopefully, before Twilight shook her head.

Rarity was aghast. “And I think we have a new ‘Worst. Possible. Thing.’ How are we ever going to explain this to her sister?”

“OK, repeat after me,” I said helpfully. “‘I have no idea what happened. She was like that when we got here.’” I looked from mare to mare. “No takers, huh?”

After a few tense minutes, a light floated through the window before resolving itself into the Princess of the Sun. “My Little Ponies! I could feel when Nightmare Moon’s grip on Luna failed her. Well done! I’m so proud of each and every one of you!” She smiled beatifically at them all, but the smile faded a little as she looked around. “But where is my little sister?”

Twilight spoke up. “She’s...”

“My beloved sister, whom I love like no one else in the world?”

Twilight tried again. “She’s...”

“The sole remaining member of my family, and the only link to a world I lost uncountable millennia ago?”

“She’s...”

“And who just last month agreed to donate a kidney to me? Even if I didn’t need it, but just wanted one to have around. Because that is the kind of sweet, loving sister she is.”

Twilight stared at Celestia in what looked like disbelief, surrender, or both, then simply shrugged and looked at me.

“...Downstairs,” I finished for her.

Celestia looked at me with concern. “Is she alright?”

“I don’t believe she’s feeling any pain right now, your Highness.” You might think that putting off the inevitable was incredibly stupid. But then, you should know me by now.

“That’s... true,” Twilight said slowly, probably trying to think of a way to break it to her gently.

“Indubitably,” Rarity supplied.

“She’s not even unhappy,” Pinkie added, smiling, or at least trying to.

“I think she’s... resting?” Fluttershy said quietly. “Peacefully?”

“And by now, she just might be… um... twenty percent cooler?” Dash added, before wincing as an outraged Rarity cuffed her.

“Probably ‘cuz she’s dead,” Applejack explained.

“AJ!” I glared at the Element of Honesty, who shrugged helplessly back at me.

“I see,” Celestia said slowly, before turning away. “I’m sure you tried everything you could,” she assured us, her voice tight. “You must not blame yourselves. Please, my little ponies, I think I need some time to myself. If you could wait for me outside?”

We left silently, heads bowed. I also, however, looked from the damp spot on the stairs... to Gummy, where his head poked out of Pinkie’s pack... and back to the damp spot on the stairs. He blinked at me, and licked one of his eyeballs. The message was clearly one of two things; it was either “I’m watching you,” or “My eyeball was dirty.” Myself, I kept an eye on him in turn, very carefully, all the way down the stairs and out of the castle.

My gaze never wavered. On the positive side, that way I didn’t have to see what was left of poor Luna. On the down side, it’s also how I walked into another tree.

==========

Celestia walked slowly out of the castle, and simply stood there a while, silently, before speaking. “I must thank you all. Though this ended in sorrow, I have to remind myself that my subjects do, and always must, come first. Your courageous service for the crown...” She trailed off, swallowed, and continued, her voice hollow. “Your courageous service for me and your fellow ponies will not go unrewarded.

“Twilight Sparkle.”

“Princess?”

“I’m afraid I must simultaneously reward and burden you. I will be taking leave as soon as it can be arranged, and I fear the responsibility of rule must fall for a time upon you and Cadance. I have two words of advice for you. Foremost is that you trust and rely on your friends. You are always at your finest with them by your side.”

“Yes, Princess,” Twilight said softly.

“And second, be careful of changelings. Rumor has it that they’re everywhere.”

“...Yes, Princess.”

“The rest of you will be rewarded with compensation from the royal treasury, and whatever appointments that Twilight sees fit. Watch over her, please.” With this, her voice caught. “Watch over my faithful student very carefully, I beg each of you. She’s all I have, now.”

At that, the other mares moved as if to walk to her, but she shook her head.

“Drath.”

“Yes, Princess?”

“You have proven yourself worthy of the Seventh Element.” I looked back at the other bearers, who all nodded eagerly.

“I don’t know how you fooled Nightmare Moon,” Twilight said. “To think that you, of all ponies, could be some kind of idiotic coward.” She shook her head in disbelief.

Rarity nodded firmly. “Indeed! It’s obvious to anypony that you’re a gentlestallion of excellent bearing.”

“I’m sure,” Celestia said somberly. “But Drath, you can live a life of honor and service, should you choose to remain.”

“I think... I think I’d like that, your Highness,” I said. Now that the danger was over, these little ponies were, after all, some of the nicest people I’d met. And I technically didn’t have to go anywhere near trees. But then, because I’ve had many days of experience being me here, I asked, “What kind of service?”

Celestia sighed. “It seems that my... this land, and my little ponies, are threatened with some cataclysm every year.”

“Like I said, I’d like that, your Highness.” I threw my chest out and looked into the distance. “But I’m afraid my planet needs me.” Pinkie walked over and tried to follow my gaze.

“And we couldn’t possibly change your mind?” Celestia asked gently.

I looked from mare to mare. “I’m sorry, your Highness. You’ve all been really great, and in all honesty it’s been a blast to know each of you. Even Pinkie. But this just isn’t my world.” My world involves far fewer things trying to kill me.

She nodded gravely. “I can respect that. Then it’s time to say your farewells.”

I turned to the other bearers. “I’m sorry about the...”

“We understand,” said Dash.

“And about...”

“It’s OK, darling,” Rarity assured me.

“And when I was a complete and total fu...”

“It’s all right,” Twilight said with that same small smile.

“And the part where I almost ran away, screaming.”

“Which one, sugarcube?” Applejack wondered.

“Ok,” I said with a sigh. “The parts where I almost ran away, screaming.”

Applejack laid a gentle hoof on my withers. “You’re forgiven, hon. For all of them.”

“Thanks, AJ,” I said gently. “And I’m sorry about...”

“That one was a bit nasty,” Pinkie interrupted with a frown, then looked up and threw her forelegs around me in a stronger hug than I would have expected. “But you’re still forgiven.”

Their necklaces took on their shimmer and I found myself, gently and painlessly, a human again before Pinkie let go.

Just then, a mint green pony burst out of the trees. “A human!”

Twilight, eyes wide, suggested, “Maybe you ought to hurry.”

“Who?”

“Lyra. I didn’t know this before, but apparently she’s...” But it was too late. She ran up to me and examined me from head to toe (I was still missing my shoes, after all).

“A human! I heard you have one of those noble, handsome beings here.” She looked to me again, then turned to Twilight. “Well? Where is it?”

As my self-esteem finally hit zero, the world faded into mist, then resolved itself into my car (miraculously undamaged) and, outside that, the parking lot of the grocery store. A quick glance at my iPad showed the date I’d left.

So that’s it. My trip through the looking glass. There and back again. Just sit right back and you’ve heard the tale. Since then I’ve gotten hints that I wasn’t their first visitor and, unless everyone else has more luck, I won’t be their last. And I’ve heard Apple fixed their maps, but I’ve used Google since. I did have to buy new shoes, after all, and those aren’t cheap.

I haven’t told anyone. I mean, I wrote it up as a story, but nobody’s going to believe me. I’m not sure even I believe me. The point of making it a story is that, while people won’t believe me, they also won’t put me in a rubber room. Personally I think it could make for a good movie, but the one entertainment-type I talked to said it couldn’t even go on TV. Or direct to DVD. When he mentioned “direct to View-Master” as a possibility, I kind of gave up. I’ve settled back into my normal life of work, junk food, and video games.

Still... I think you never come back wholly unchanged from an experience like this. For some people, they’d find that the world’s just a bit larger than they ever thought it was. For others, they’d know that, somewhere out there, they’ve got a friend. And even if that friend is never met again, even if that friend lies beneath a different sky at night, that friendship is still something special. Something magic. Feel free to quote me.

Me? I’ve started eating more apples. When I eat one, I think of that land of magic and friendship. And I think it’s somehow my revenge on all those damned trees.

There was, though, a note on the iPad...

==========

So, the big climax! Big being relative, right? I mean, it was the biggest climax of this story, anyway. Except for whatever happened with Big Mac and Carrot Top. I did write that scene out, but, being the innocent and impressionable soul I am, I had to do it with my eyes closed, so I can’t tell it to you.

What’s the mysterious note? Is it thanks from a grateful Princess? Or a lurid love note from Celestia or Lyra or Gummy? A cupcake recipe from Pinkie? A cheap literary hook? Directions on how to get back? My money’s on “cheap literary hook,” but you never know! So stay tuned for the next chapter of Based on a True Story, even though the most important parts are pretty much done with! Same Drath Time! Same Drath Channel!

Oh, and only read below this line if you aren’t afraid of spoilers.

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Darth Vader was Luke’s father!
Rosebud was his sled! (No, not Darth Vader’s)
Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense was dead all along!
Luna isn’t dead! What? She’s still got lines left -- I checked. Yeah, it surprised me, too.

Chapter A - In Which Our Hero Arrives

Disclaimer: I’m neither Lauren Faust, Hasbro, nor, last time I checked, the Hub. All rights belong to them.

Also, the following is, seriously, not a criticism of anybody. I know full well that any or all of the following elements could be used to create a perfectly good story in the right hands.

It’s just that mine aren’t the right hands.

I was just driving to the store for milk. Can you imagine a more harmless activity? OK, sure, it was in the next town over, but still -- the next town over. It’s not like I was trying to be Columbo on his way to discover Columbia or whatever. I hadn’t been drinking, I was familiar with most of the route, and the words “What could possibly go wrong?” had never passed through my lips.

What I’m trying to convey here is, well, that it wasn’t my fault. At least, not at first. But one car ride later I was in a forest -- somehow -- and rather briefly, as for some reason most economy cars aren’t designed for the forest. That left me running for the last day and a half from things out of a taxidermist’s worst nightmares, trying very hard not to end up another link in the food chain. And that’s how I ended up stumbling into the odd little cottage, sending various startled animals scattering. “Help... Me... Help?” By this point my poor throat was too dry to do more than croak.

I heard a voice coming from another room. “You need help?” The voice itself carried such compassion that I could feel myself relaxing immediately.

Relaxing was a mistake. I’d been driven here by the simple need to survive, and had only gotten this far by very much not relaxing. Now my brain and body had just gotten word that it was closing time, and suddenly I could barely keep my eyes open. I took a few glances around as leaning against a wall for support became sliding down the wall and using the floor for support instead. Good floor. Stay right there. I haven’t told this to many floors, but I think I love you. “I’m in the same room as your horse.”

“Horse?”

“The one with the pink mane. And the wings.” Wings? Well, that should narrow it down. Out of all the horses she keeps in her cottage, how many could have wings? This is what your brain does after nearly two days without water, food, or rest.

“What are you?” she asked. “How did you get here?”

This time I saw the horse’s lips move. Hey, pretty good trick. Now do that while drinking a glass of water. I held up my iPad, which had been useless for the last day of trekking through godforsaken forest. But it it felt like my last link to sanity and a world where technicolor monsters weren’t trying to eat me, and I hadn’t been about to leave it behind. “Apple Maps,” I answered the second question, the one my feverish brain could remember.

“Oh my!” she exclaimed as if it were the harshest of curses, all the while looking cross in the cutest manner I’d ever seen. “Applejack will have a lot to answer for! But what are you?”

I vainly tried to blink away the gray fog that was creeping in from the edges of my vision. What am I? I got as far as “hum” when my last active brain cell decided it wasn’t going to do all this hard work alone.

I passed out. This turned out to be the best decision I’d made in two days.

==========

I woke in a bed somewhat refreshed, but very sore. I’d lost a shoe in some muck several hours back, a necessary sacrifice when something with the head of a lion and the body of everything else decided I looked tasty. Worse, between the sunburn, briars, and brambles, I didn’t have a square inch of skin I would’ve inflicted on my worst enemy. Not even Jerry McGonnogle, and I know he’s been stealing my paper.

“You’re awake again,” a gentle voice noted happily. “Can you drink some more water?” It was the horse, of course. She gingerly poured some water from a pitcher into a cup, then held the cup to my mouth, all with her own muzzle.

This awakened a ravenous thirst, and suddenly any concerns I had about drinking water prepared with someone else’s mouth were cast aside. I drank too quickly and choked for it, and when I spoke my voice was a little hoarse. “Where am I?” Cliche, I know, but can you blame me?

“My house,” she said gently, as if afraid I might bolt. “My name is Fluttershy. Do you remember your name?”

I eyed the butterfly tattoos on her rump for the first time, then the room I was in. Sunlight was pouring through the window between pink and yellow curtains, and from the angle it looked like morning. “Drath. Drath Bloch.”

"Darth?"

“No, Drath.” I gave a derisive snort. Who would name themselves “Darth?” I eyed her more carefully, but she stubbornly refused to stop being equine. “You’re not real, are you?” I wasn’t sure which answer I wanted, the crazy one or the crazy one.

She stepped back as if spooked, then turned away in either fright, shame, or both. Suddenly green flame seemed to consume her, leaving behind a creature both black and insectile. “How did you know?” she asked, almost too quietly to hear. Despite the change in form, the kind voice was the same, and in any case I was too tired to run any more.

I looked at her blankly. After all, I didn’t even know what it was I “knew.” I’m not all that bright, I know, but while I’m usually ready and willing to defend my ignorance, something told me that this would be a good time to keep my mouth shut.

“Will you tell anyone?” she asked.

I shook my head. Tell who? Tell them what, for crying out loud?

“I left my colony over a decade ago,” she explained dejectedly. “You can’t imagine what it’s like. I know everypony’s different, but changeling drones, well, we’re supposed to all be the same.” She buried her face... muzzle... thingy in her hand... hoof... feet... thingies. “I swear, I’m no threat to anypony here in Ponyville. I live off the feelings of love from all the animals I help, and then only a little at a time.” She looked back at me, tears falling from those glowing, blue eyes. “Thank you for keeping my secret.”

She approached me more closely, placing one claw-hoof-thingy on my chest, but I was still too weak to properly shudder. “You know,” she said softly, “I can’t tell you what it’s like to have someone I can share this with. After all these years, to find someone I can relax with, and just be myself.”

Well, that told me at least three things: the name of the city I was in, that these were ponies rather than horses, and that I was absolutely, positively nuts. Round the bend. Three fries short of a full box of crayons. My elevator was a few bricks short of a load. My Happy Meal didn’t go all the way to the top. I think the polite term is “bonkers.”

From another room, there was a knock at the door. Another quick burst of green flame restored Fluttershy to her normal -- if that could possibly be the right word -- pink and yellow poniness. She gave me a quick, desperate look for reassurance. I nodded at her more out of reflex than anything else, and received a relieved smile in return. And you know that tired old cliche about a smile lighting up a room? Turns out it actually can happen.

“That’s Twilight. Wait right here, OK?” At my nod, she left, then re-entered with, alas, another pony. I checked for wings. Yep. Horn? Yep. Wait. Horn?

“Unicorn?” I asked.

“Alicorn,” Twilight said. “Talking... bear?” The last sounded like an accusation, somehow.

“Human,” I corrected, feeling defensive somehow about being capable of speech. Which was especially sad, considering the source of the accusation.

A puzzled look crossed her face, and she looked at Fluttershy curiously. “He just walked out of the Everfree Forest?”

“The tracks led from there. He said Apple’s maps led him here.”

“Actually, Apple Maps were supposed to take me to the store, but they got me to the forest instead. I mean, I knew they had problems, but... When my car broke down --” by virtue of hitting a tree someone had carelessly left in the middle of a forest “-- I walked here.” Well, I ran a lot, too. Some of those creatures were nasty enough to make a Tyrannosaurus Rex look like Barney.

“Either way,” Twilight said confidently, “Applejack will make this right. I’m sure of it.”

I was sure of it, too. Applejack, tequila, beer -- any of those would help immeasurably.

“Fluttershy, do you mind if I borrow your patient for a while? I think this is an unknown species of animal.”

This was a bit much. “I’m not an animal!” I paid for my shout with another bout of agonized coughing.

“Sorry,” she said, both sounding and looking genuinely contrite. “Plant, then.”

I opened my mouth, and closed it again. My throat was simply too sore to argue. Besides, this was probably all a hallucination anyway. They could tell me I was a tree for all I cared.

“It should be all right, Twilight. He’s badly sunburned, though. I’ve seen it happen to pigs before, but not bears,” Fluttershy added. I stared wordlessly, trying to decide if I was being insulted again and, if so, how much. “I mixed a salve up for him. Let me send it with you.”

==========

A few minutes later I was floating alongside Twilight, en route to her place to be “studied.” You can imagine how much I was looking forward to that. Any sign of “probing” and I swear I’m running back to that forest. The floating trick she’d described as “magic,” which really only gave me a label for my ignorance and chalked up another point for the “nutty as a nutcake” side.

Another burst of magic opened the door to a tree and closed it behind us. “Tree,” I said, after working up enough spit. “You live in a tree.”

“It’s the library, too.”

“Of course. That explains everything.” Actually, I feared any more explanations of this type would just make my headache worse. Not that I actually had a headache, mind you, but I knew it was coming sooner or later.

“Spike!” she called upward.

“Coming!” A big purple lizard walked down the stairs. No, not Barney. Life still sent the occasional kindness my way, if only to lull me into a false sense of security.

“Spike, send a letter to the princess. I found a new animal -- sorry, plant -- that I think she’ll want to see in person. I believe it may be sapient, but evidence so far is inconclusive.”

I painfully pursed my parched lips as I thought about this. “I think as soon as I can get to a dictionary, I’m going to be offended.”

The little dinosaur thing had written out something and, instead of sending it anywhere, just set fire to the thing. With his breath. OK, not a dinosaur. A dragon. Still better than Barney, all things considered. At least with dragons there wouldn’t be anybody spontaneously breaking into song, right?

The destruction of her message didn’t seem to faze Twilight at all. “And run to the market for some food, would you, Spike?” She set me down and asked, “Sorry, ‘Drath,’ was it? What do you eat? Raw fish? Seeds? Nuts? Sandwiches?”

“Sandwiches,” I answered, now remembering that I hadn’t eaten in over a day, surprised by my lack of appetite, and concerned with their odd fixation with me being a bear. For the former, I guess I was just too beat up to feel properly hungry. For the latter, I was hoping they’d eventually get the truth through their... cute... little heads.

The dragon exited, after a suspicious don’t-cause-any-trouble glance my way. Coming from even a small fire-breathing dragon, I took it seriously.

“Now,” Twilight said, rolling in an array of electronic equipment that looked like she’d bought it at Victor von Frankenstein’s garage sale. “I have a confession to make...”

I knew she was going to say that there might be some “discomfort,” which is of course the same thing as “pain” except happening to somebody else. “This is going to hurt?”

“Not a lot,” she protested quickly. Her face was all openness, honesty, and care, so naturally I didn’t trust her. “I designed it all myself. At worst, it’ll be like a little pinprick, really. It’s just that I have to know more about you if you’re going to wander around my hometown.”

“Is this to prove I’m not a...” I searched back for the word, and then had second thoughts. What if this led to her suspecting Fluttershy? But I had to know more of where I was, on the off chance any of it was real. “A changeling?” I asked, eyeing the test devices warily. A burst of green light returned my attention to the alicorn.

Rather, what had been the alicorn. “How did you know?” she asked, staring at me. “I thought I’d covered every last detail. All these years and nopony found out. Nopony event hinted. Even my own ‘brother’ doesn’t know.” She shook her head in wonder. “And yet you knew within minutes.” She looked afraid and, somehow, fascinated at the same time. “I had no idea humans were so... So frighteningly intelligent,” she finished warily.

I gave this a moment’s thought. “Well, I don’t like to brag.”

“Then you also as wise as you are intelligent,” she told me, gravely.

“I... imagine that’s true enough.” If not quite in the way she meant.

“I swear, I am no threat to Ponyville, or Equestria for that matter. I left my colony years ago, not wanting to be a part of their terrible emotional vampirism. I subsist instead on the simple feelings of friendship here in Ponyville. I could never hurt any of my friends -- or anyone, really.”

“I believe you,” I said. “And I, uh promise not to tell anyone.” I ran out of words, at least any words that wouldn’t expose my ignorance, which for me tends to be the same thing anyhow. I shrugged instead, and winced as my sunburned neck rubbed against my collar.

She flared with that eldritch green light, a pony once again. “I’m sorry! Let me get some of this salve onto you.” My shirt floated off as the jar Fluttershy sent moved toward Twilight. She slowly rubbed it on me, using her hooves instead of magic for some reason, but it felt a lot gentler than I’d feared. “You have such interesting... musculature?” she said, finishing doubtfully.

OK, so I need to get to the gym a bit more often. Like, someday ever. “It’s common among my species. We do it with lots of television.”

“And your incredible intellect,” she breathed, giving me a look that might have been coyish had it come from anything other than a giant bug disguised as a farm animal. “I can’t help but be a little... intrigued.” I was beginning to suspect the reason she was using her actual hooves to run the salve all over me. I have mentioned that I’m not always that smart, right? Well, given enough time I can still catch on.

And have you ever been pawed by a quadrupedal sentient insect disguised as a talking pony? I’m going to take a wild guess and assume that would be a “no.” Can something with four legs technically even be an insect? Doesn’t it have to have eight legs or something? I knew I was distracting myself with these thoughts rather than face the situation at hand and, you know, I was perfectly fine with that approach.

Both Twilight’s gentle purring and my own desperate taxonomic musings were interrupted by Spike, who opened the door carrying a paper grocery bag.

“All right,” Spike said. “I got a variety just to be safe. What kind of sandwich did you want? We have daffodil, rose, sunflower, and petunia.”

==========

“Pinkie!” Twilight called out as we entered the oddly empty Cupcake Corner.

“Yes, Tw-- Oh, wow!” The pink pony who popped up from behind the counter, who I was happy to see had neither wings nor horn -- because not having wings or a horn makes a bubblegum-pink talking pony so much easier to accept -- jumped straight up upon seeing me and then somehow hovered for a split second before galloping over. “Wow! Can I have one? If Gummy doesn’t get too jealous of it?”

“His name is Drath, Pinkie, and he needs some food.” Twilight looked around and considered, “Actually, could you take him up to your room for a bit? I’m afraid if other customers come in they might stare.”

“Okie dokie lokie!” the energetic pony said happily.

“I have to go record a few notes I made about skin resistance, density, and pain tolerance,” Twilight noted cheerfully. “I’ll be back in a jiffy, or I’ll send someone. Oh, and send Applejack the bill.”

Pinkie led me up the stairs to her strangely spartan room. “Would you like a...” She tapped a hoof to her chin in thought. “Cupcake?”

“OK,” I said, thinking this a fairly safe answer. What could possibly go wrong with cupcakes?

“What flavor do you want?”

I grimaced, suspecting I now knew exactly what could go wrong with cupcakes. “You mean flavors like daffodil, petunia, and such?”

“No, silly! Chocolate? Banana walnut? Cherrychanga?”

“Yes,” I said simply. “Please.” By now I’d gained enough strength to be miserably hungry. Yay me.

She was gone for only half a second, somehow, and came back with three of the best cupcakes I’ve ever smelled. “I made these cupcakes with my friends!” she announced with a tremendous grim.

“That’s, um, great.” She had food. I wanted food. Nothing else about the desserts could possibly be that important. After all, I was hungry enough to eat a horse. No, even I wasn’t going to say that out loud, here.

“A lot of my friends went into these cupcakes. They know they don’t have cutie marks in baking, but they said they needed a place to lay low while the train station was being rebuilt.” She frowned as if in deep thought. “Oh, I’m sure it was perfectly innocent. Anyway, I sent half home with them and sold most of the rest for our CMC Repair Fund, but we have three left.”

Cutie marks? Wait, would knowing what those are help me eat faster? No? Then it can wait.

After I finished two, something occurred to me. “Um, ‘Pinkie,’ was it?”

“It still is,” she supplied helpfully.

“Ohhhkay.” I needed to make conversation, somehow. This was, after all, a completely alien world. Well, except for the sky, grass, trees, air, ponies, houses, cupcakes... All right, this was a slightly alien world, but I still needed to know more about it.

There was one subject I desperately wanted to steer the conversation away from, though. What would be safe? Oh, the old standby. “Nice weather we’re having, isn’t it?” Hey, if the usual weather was blizzards of frozen nitrogen, I wanted to know. I’d need a scarf.

She flashed the now-familiar green flame. “Omigosh! I suddenly remembered for no reason that I’m a changeling!”

“What.” I think safeties had just disengaged my brain from reality.

“This explains so much!”

“Are these, um, magic cupcakes?” Because that would explain a lot, too.

She bounced around the room in quasi-insectoid-pony-thing-ish joy. “I’ve always wondered why I can do the things I do! Well, not always, but once a week or so. And not all the things I do but then am I sure I know what I can do and maybe that makes sense it’s hard to say I don’t know how I forgot and won’t everyone be so surprised and you’ve made me so happy!”

I looked down at my last cupcake. “Um, Pinkie? Just asking from sheer, random curiosity here, but, just in case, is this something that no one else can know?”

She turned back into a pony and then instantly deflated. And when I say “deflated,” I mean that literally, at least as far as her mane was concerned. With a little “pbbbbbt” noise and everything. We’re talking some very serious deflation.

“Oh,” she said, her voice quiet for the first time. Maybe ever.

“Your secret is safe with me,” I assured her quickly. And I felt the cold chill running down my spine -- which, to be honest, felt a little good with my sunburn -- even before I consciously realized what was coming next.

She was instantly at my side. “I’m so glad to have met a friend like you,” she said softly, a hoof running through my hair. “I’m a friend to everypony in Ponyville, but I’ve never had a...” She blushed. “...Special somepony.”

She wept tears of joy and nuzzled my neck as she explained about the wonderful friends she’d made, about how she was no threat to anypony, and about how weird my ears were. I nodded and, with my characteristic great compassion and understanding, ate the last cupcake.

There was a knock on the door. “Pinkie, you in there?”

“You bet, Dashie!” she replied.

Another pony, this one looking like a survivor from an explosion in a rainbow factory, opened the door and trotted in. “Twilight told me to take the thingy to Rarity’s. Says he’ll need a change of clothes to stop that smell.”

“The ‘thingy’?” I asked, scowling.

“I guess she meant you,” the blue pony said to me, oblivious to my irritation. I decided to forgive what was probably, after all, part of my own hallucination.

==========

Later, airborne on the back of Rainbow Dash -- something that would worry me a lot more if I still believed any of this might really have been happening -- I looked on politely as she turned her head to say something.

“I just remembered I need a dress let out a bit. Because I added so much muscle,” she clarified quickly. “You know, with my constant exercise? That I do. When I exercise. Anyway, do you mind if we stop at my place first to pick up the dress?”

“No problem,” I answered. Without the constant jouncing, riding a flying pony was actually a lot easier than riding a walking one.

Then she landed on a funny-shaped cloud. While I was trying to digest this, she said, “All right! Onto your own two feet, mister.”

Step onto a... cloud? “No.” Not even if this is all a hallucination.

“What? Oh! Don’t worry, Twilight enchants it every month for when my friends visit. It’s perfectly safe.”

These were ponies who had taken in a stranger of a form completely unknown to them, fed me, tended my wounds, and had shown me nothing but kindness. I had no reason not to trust them implicitly. “No,” I repeated. Because it was still a freaking cloud!

A quick buck sent me flying. I didn’t scream, honest I didn’t, and if that was less due to courage and more due to being paralyzed with terror, I really don’t have to say. The reassuring pain as I landed on my butt, though, left me groaning more in relief than pain.

“Told ya,” she said smugly, walking into what was now obviously a house, if you looked at it just right, squinted, and added a sign saying, “This is a house.”

I followed, the cloud actually feeling soft and cool and wonderful beneath my sore feet. Looking around her place, I saw that, aside from the building material, it looked pretty conventional. More so than Twilight’s tree, in fact. “So, you live in a cloud?”

“Lots of pegasi do. It’s part of our magic; we can treat clouds like they were solid.”

I’ve mentioned before how little it helps to be told something is “magic.” Saying something is “like magic” is what you do when you can’t explain things. “And your dishes, furniture, and stuff?”

“We can put a little of our magic into the things we make.”

“And the rest of the stuff, like food, you keep in things you make?”

“Yeah. Or a unicorn casts a spell on them.”

“But what about...”

“Unicorns,” she interrupted impatiently.

I gave up on that line of questions, but there was a lot more of this world I wanted to know before I returned to sanity. “So what kind of work does a girl like you...”

I was suddenly bowled over. “Girl?” she asked, looking aghast. She rushed off, presumably to check something, then, just as I’d gotten back to my feet, tackled me again. “You’re right! I’m a mare!” she wailed. “Why didn’t anypony tell me?”

She hauled me upright somehow with those hooves and then, in a world I’d mistakenly and momentarily thought held no more surprises, decked me.

That hurt. A lot. See, I told you a headache was coming. But shouldn’t it have woken me up or something?

“Do I hit like a girl?” she asked, concern rather than malice in her voice. She then looked around and found a ball of some sort. Still dazed, I was unable to fend it off as her throw bounced off my skull, adding to the interesting echoes already present therein. “Do I throw like a girl?”

I shook my head -- which was a mistake, given what it had been through -- and tried to reassure the mare before she put me in a full-body cast. “No you’s fine, honesht,” I slurred unsteadily. I briefly tried to get up again, but then decided not to tempt fate.

Rainbow Dash looked at me with dawning dread as a whole new dimension of this newfound horror occurred to her. “Do I have to date... stallions?”

I gave her an appraising glance. “Probably not.”

She nodded to me, looking a little grateful, though shaken. “It could be worse,” she said. “At least now I can stop and ask for directions when I get lost.”

“It could be a lot worse. Imagine being some other species.”

“Yeah. Heh. Imagine. Not that, you know, that could ever happen.”

I closed my eyes, not that it helped. Oh please, not again.

I promised to keep her secrets -- both gender and species -- and then, more out of habit than anything else by now, politely fended off the resulting advances. Apparently I don’t count as a stallion. Yay me, again? After probably setting back pony gender equality a few decades, she offered me a ride to Rarity’s. I agreed, if only because walking there from a few thousand feet up seemed inadvisable.

==========

“Yes!” Rarity practically screamed with delight as she examined my form. “Yes! Darling, I can do wonderful, wonderful things with you!” It wasn’t what you think. At least, not yet.

“Just clothes like he already has, but not ripped and dirty and smelly,” Rainbow Dash said with her customary diplomacy.

“Rainbow, dear, you truly have no idea, do you? I can design clothing for an entirely new species, clothing he’ll no doubt be seen in far and wide as everypony hears about him. I can cover up any, well, aesthetic shortcomings he may have, obviously -- no offense!”

“None taken.” Honestly, the longer I spent with these ponies, the more and more it took to offend me.

“This will be the most widely-seen display of my style, skill and, above all, versatility, ever!” She stepped back, one foreleg thrown across her brow. “In all my years of fashion, this is the Best! Possible! Thing!”

“I’ll take your word for it,” Dash unenthused. “Twilight said to send Applejack the bill, by the way.”

“You’re leaving?” Rarity asked.

The pegasus started on her way out, then over the shoulder slowly explained, “Turns out I’ve got a lot to think about. I found out something today that throws everything I thought I knew into doubt. Rarity... I have to re-affirm a basic sense of my very identity and place in the world, if not the very nature of...”

“OK, dear, have fun with that,” Rarity interrupted absently as she closed the door behind the departing pegasus.

This left the pony with the weird, curly mane and I alone. So, what did I do? Like I’ve mentioned, I’m not very bright, but I decided for once that keeping my mouth shut about changelings might just make my life less complicated. “Um. Hi. Rarity, right?”

“Indeed! And your name is Darth?”

“Drath,” I corrected automatically. Why did ponies keep getting that wrong?

She nodded as she examined me some more, no doubt disregarding my name as irrelevant to the purpose at hoof. “We’ll need you out of those clothes.”

I shrugged. As I shucked my shirt, I noticed that my sunburn was already less troublesome. Fluttershy’s salve must be working wonders. I took off my pants as well. My shoe, the one not probably being used somewhere as a manticore’s chew toy, was still at Fluttershy’s place, along with what little the Everfree Forest had left of my socks.

“What’s that?” Rarity asked, indicating my underwear.

“Boxers,” I stalled, already not liking where I knew this conversation was going to go. They run around naked all the time, technically. They can’t have a nudity taboo. And even if they did, they think I’m some kind of animal. Or plant, whatever. It’d be no more odd for them to see me nude than it is for me to see them that way, and I haven’t really given it a second thought.

My boxers glowed, at which I practically jumped out of them. Of all the things I wanted to suddenly and mysteriously glow, these would not have been at the top of my list. In any case, they slithered down and, with all the self-control I could muster, I tried to look nonchalant.

The unicorn gave me a look that could, by the sufficiently paranoid, be called disdain.

“It’s cold,” I protested, just in case. It’s not paranoia if everything’s trying to get you, right? Well, it’s also not paranoia if you unexpectedly end up in a world of magical talking ponies. Why? Because. Yeah, I’m sticking with that reasoning.

Her look went from whatever it was to uncertainty. “Beg pardon, Drath? Oh, my apologies!” The shorts glowed again, then ran back up my legs. She’d evidently thought I meant I was cold without my underwear on, but I wasn’t going to complain about it. “Would you like some of those ‘boxers’ too?”

“Please,” I said. “Oh, and shoes?”

She nodded, making an absent gesture. “I’ll send some patterns to the blacksmith.”

Blacksmith? Oh, of course. For horseshoes. Which are nailed on. “No!” I objected, a little louder than I’d intended.

She jumped back, a hoof clutched to her chest. “What?” I showed her the bottom of my less-abused foot and comprehension dawned. “Oh, my. Yes, that just wouldn’t do, would it? No worries! I’m sure to think of something.” A cloth measuring tape glowed and leapt from a nearby table and flew across to me, darting here and there.

I sighed, relaxing, then looked around. “You wouldn’t have a changing room, would you?” Given their lack of a nudity taboo, they probably wouldn’t even know what such a thing was.

“What?” the unicorn asked sharply, the tape dropping to the ground.

“Changing,” I said clearly. “Change. Ing.” I then realized how abundantly I’d made clear exactly what I hadn’t said. Palm, meet face.

She nodded sadly, though at least she didn’t become a giant bug like some of the others. “How did you know?”

I peeked between my fingers to see her crying. I know I may be a little bit snarky at times; OK, maybe more than a little bit. But I’m not -- quite -- heartless, and I stepped down to stroke her mane soothingly. “There there,” I crooned. “I know you’re not like the normal changelings. You’d never hurt anyone, er, anypony.”

She shook her head and sniffled. “I never would. I’ve never even seen another of my kind for years.”

That’s what you think. “I’ll never tell,” I said instead, with all the sincerity I could. And I practice.

“Promise?” As she looked up at me, her eyes were impossibly enormous and incredibly vulnerable.

“I promise.”

She ran her velvety nose over my chest. “My muse,” she murmured, before releasing a happy sigh. Rather unlike the sigh I suppressed.

There was a knock at the door, right on schedule. Rarity wiped her eyes quickly, and, smiling at me adoringly, sang out, “Come in!”

As I quickly pulled on my jeans and shirt, I heard someone ask, “Is there some varmint here chargin’ me for things what I never bought?”

She was a cowgirl, well, cowpony, and not particularly subtle about it. Every portion of this particular pony shouted it out to the world. From her hat to her hooves, you could tell she was meant for kicking, gouging, clawing, and whatever else it took to earn a living in the roughest of ways.

Also, she was pissed.

==========

One cleared-up misunderstanding later left me no longer trying to hide in a corner -- difficult in a round room -- and instead on the ride back to her farm. Apparently there weren’t a lot of spare rooms in Ponyville; the bed I’d slept in had been Fluttershy’s own, underscoring my debt to her. However, “Sweet Apple Acres” had an empty room for some reason Applejack didn’t want to get into and, seeing her expression, I didn’t want to press her on. A pillow, courtesy of Rarity, was ensuring the safety of my already-bruised keister. When I asked Applejack if she could manage carrying me all the way back to her farm, she’d told me it was, “Jes fine -- I live on a farm, after all. I’ve smelled worse things than you.”

After a couple days, much of it spent sweating heavily, I couldn’t even argue about that last. “Do you have someplace I can wash up?”

“Got a creek.”

“I’ll take it.”

The bend in the creek was sheltered by trees from easy sight from above. I stripped completely; I’d decided preventing infections from whatever I’d run into in the Everfree Forest was worth the price of modesty, especially in front of someone who didn’t care how much she saw of me anyway. The cowpony observed me dispassionately as I scrubbed. Maybe too dispassionately. I was practically an alien here, and shouldn’t she be at least a little curious as to what an alien looked like?

I rinsed my clothes off as best I could, too, sending silent apologies to any fish downriver, and climbed out of the water. I looked back at Applejack, who, shockingly, now had a visible blush. Admittedly, it wasn’t the blush that surprised me so much as being able to see it on a bright orange pony.

“You don’t have to say anything,” I quickly interjected as I hurriedly tried to wring out my shorts, suddenly self-conscious again.

“I do,” she said, not quite looking at me now. “I’m the Element of Honesty.”

“The what of what?” I have such sparkling repartee, no?

“I represent honesty to Equestria. Same as Rarity’s generosity, Twilight’s magic, Rainbow’s loyalty, Fluttershy’s kindness, and Pinkie’s laughter.”

“Ohhhhkay.”

“Anyhow, that’s neither here nor there. What I have to say is, even though you’re a smelly alien what looks most like a bear crossed with a pig, and near dead of mange besides, I’ve got a powerful attraction to you I can’t quite reckon.”

After that description, I don’t think I could’ve explained it either.

“So I have a confession to make,” she said heavily.

“No, you don’t,” I said, trying for my most reassuring voice.

“I do.”

“No. Really. You don’t.”

“I do, consarn it!”

“No! Really!”

It didn’t help, and I let out a very quiet sigh as, once again, I was faced with a giant bug looking sweetly at me. “Even though I’m a shapeshifter from a species that preys on the love of others and you look absolutely bizarre compared to any being I’ve known, I think we could really make this work if we tried hard enough,” she said earnestly. Maybe she moonlighted as the Element of Completely Ridiculous Optimism.

Great. A love-sucking vampire bug and a bald, smelly bear-plant. Truly a match made in heaven.

Some small hint of my doubt may have showed in my expression, and she looked at me oddly. “You heard me say ‘shapeshifter,’ right?” She tapped her chin with one claw. “Let’s see, gotta be a mammal. Extrapolatin’ for the female of that there species...” She flickered with green flame again, and I found myself facing a young, adult, human female. She stood there expectantly, with straw-colored hair that draped down over one shoulder in a ponytail.

You might think that I was reminding myself that this was, despite appearances, an alien bug I knew next to nothing about, in a world I knew next to nothing about, and so I was reminding myself to be cautious. If so, you might have forgotten that this was a culture without a nudity taboo.

Technically she wasn’t naked. There was the hat, after all. Nevertheless, it wasn’t difficult to see that she was every bit as fit a human as she was a pony. I wasn’t thinking of sensible caution. My brain wasn’t doing a lot of thinking at all, actually, possibly due to a growing lack of bloodflow.

“Gah,” I said suavely.

“What?” She was taken aback. “Not purty enough? All righty, maybe somethin’ a mite more foalbearin’?” Another flicker and her hips were rounder, her breasts more generous.

“Gahhhhh...” Even I don’t know what I meant there, but I think at least some of it was a plea for mercy. She looked down over me and saw that the evidence of her success was, well, outstanding, and grinned delightedly.

A shadow swept over us and, with another flicker of green, Applejack was again a pony, now bowing low. “Princess!”

I felt a gust of wind and heard something set down lightly behind me. Looking from my shorts -- which were still in my hand -- to the main obstacle to getting them back on in a hurry, I groaned. “Princess. Of course.”

And you know it’s totally not a self-insert fic because he’s named ‘Drath’ instead of ‘Darth,’ right?

Will Drath ever find a pony who isn’t a changeling? Will he open his mouth one too many times and convince Celestia to give the whole conversion bureau thing a try after all? And why do authors ask questions here that a reader can’t possibly answer, and the author already knows the answer to anyway? All these and more might be answered in the next somewhat exciting chapter!