In The Name of Science

In The Name of ScienceChapter Two: The Science of Bad Fanfiction     This is so cheesy.       So very, extremely, hilariously cheesy and cliché beyond comprehension. I mean, come on! A human in Equestria? Oh my god, STOP THE PRESSES! Because no one in the history of the universe has ever in their entire life thought of dropping one of us pink monkeys in to the land of magical freaking ponies and writing a grammatically atrocious story about it. It's just unheard of! Impossible! Terrible! Horrible! Abominable! Really, reallymeta!     And now, all those tens of hundreds of fanfictons rotting away on the Internet have actually been proven to be...possible. Gah! The thought of it makes me want to bang my head against the nearest telephone pole until grey matter leaks out my nose, eyes, and ears. Oh wait, there are no telephone poles here, because there are no telephones. Why? Because I'm in Equestria, that's why!     You can probably tell that I don't like HiEs. Well, that's only true for the vast majority of them. I skip over almost every one that involves bronies as characters save for a select few. The formula for one of those stories has been the same since the beginning of the fandom. Human. Equestria. Human reaction. Pony reaction. Human falls in love with [Pony Name Here]. They live happily ever after, the end. Story gets three-thousand views. Those kinds of stories have always reinforced the idea that fanfiction is shameless wish-fufillment.      And yet...here I am. Staring down the one and only yellow pegasus that we all know and love. Fluttershy was as real as the ground that I laid upon. I looked at her. She looked at me. Neither one of us spoke for a good while. She was just standing over me and--     Holy shit. I'm going off topic here, but Fluttershy was he-yooge! I mean, not in a fat way, but in a waaaaaay bigger than I could ever dream to be way. Her whole body length was more than one and a half times larger than my--     Holy shit! What happened to my body?! I...I...I don't even... Why are my hands and arms orange? Why is my chest yellow? Dear god in heaven, why do I have fur?! This can't be happening, I must be trapped in some mouth-breather's bad fanfic.     "Uhhm, are you okay?" Fluttershy asked with genuine concern in her sweet and soft voice.     No, I'm definitely not okay. Falling from the sky is one thing, appearing in Equestria is another thing, and finding out that I'm not me anymore is giving me an aneurysm. And being transported into a fanfiction? Unthinkable! On a one to ten scale of freaking me out, falling was a two, Equestria was a six, becoming a ball of orange fur was a twenty-three, and the fanfic thing was off the charts! It tipped the scales! It made me cucco for cocoa puffs! It broke my c-c-c-combo! It was over nine freakin' thousand!     I must have looked really out if it, because Fluttershy derailed my train of thought by nudging me with her muzzle ever so lightly. "Are you okay?" she echoed.     I snapped attention back to her, the dizziness that came with the crash had gone away for the most part, and my senses were reverting back to normal. I found that I had managed to remember how to speak "Uggh..." I moaned as I moved to sit upright "Not really, but I'm alive."     To my immediate suprise, the yellow pegasus jumped back a few feet and let out an adorable little "Eeep." Forget that little girl in the park, that was the cutest thing I had ever seen.     "You can talk!" she gasped.     "Y-yeah." I murmured, too entranced by my own body to give her a sarcastic quip. What was I? I hadn't seen anything like myself on Earth or Equestria. My form was mostly human in a lot of ways; Five fingers on each hand including apposable thumbs, check.  Belly button, check. My feet were all wide and floppy, kind of like clown shoes. Huh, wierd, but at least I had ten toes. Let's see, two eyes, bushy eyebrows, one mouth, I still had my awesome goatee, one nose, two nostrils, two e--     "Uh, where are my ears?!" I asked, frantically feeling the sides of my head. I felt up a little higher and let out a breath of relief. The ears were perched on the top of my head, like a dog's or pony's. They were really floppy, too. And soft.     "Oooh you poor dear." Fluttershy crooned "You must have had yourself a little concussion." She looked away from me and to the sky, falling deep into thought "Where did you even come from?"     Well, Fluttershy, that's a long and complicated story that a million and one different fanfics have told. A story filled with angsty teenagers whining about the history of the human race. I, for the sake of being an original little snowflake, will not tell it again. And you know what? I'm feeling saucy today, why don't I avoid doing the thing that most of the other HiEs did?     I didn't feign amnesia, I didn't go with the concussion story, I didn't skirt the issue, I didn't run away to go brood in the Everfree forest, I told the truth. "Well," I said to her "I guess the best answer for that question is Planet Earth. New York, specifically."     She averted her gaze from the sky "Oh really?"     Well, I guess there's no going back now. "I know that the first question on your mind would be "Excuse me good sir, but where is this Earth you speak of? And what's a New York?" Well, Fluttershy, that's a long and complicated story that a million and one fan--"     "Actually no." Shy interrupted me before I could give her that little speech out loud "It's not really, I already know those things. New York is a city, right?"     "Wait- You mean- What?" was my oh-so-clever response.     She gave me a shrug with her butter-yellow wings "I'm kind of getting used to people from Earth. It's a regular thing around here." Did she just use "people" instead of "pony?"     Huh, well that was different.     "You mean to tell me that you already know...?"        Fluttershy nodded "Mmm-hmm. You're a human, aren't you?"     Well I'll be damned. Whoever's authoring this cheesy fanfic just skipped a whole chapter. Explaining that I'm from Earth would have netted the author four thousand words and a feature on FIMfic, easy.     "I guess that saves us some time." I mused aloud "And that begs the question; How do you know about humans?" I could have sworn that the almighty Fausticorn told us that there were no people in the Ponyverse.     She smiled a sort of nostalgic smile that told me more than words could "It's a long story."     "Well, miss Fluttershy," I began in a fomal tone "I seem to find myself with a lot of time on my er, hands. Perfect for a long story such as yours."     "Okay." she said "But let's talk at my house. It's not a far ways away."     "Lovely." I said. And before we could transition into the next scene, I tried to stand up.     Oh god, that was such a bad idea. "YEEOOOUCH!"      My right ankle throbbed as jolts of pain went up my leg like tiny bolts of lightning, making me scream and shout like a little wuss. Pain wasn't exactly my fortè. I had a nice childhood where I was never dumb enough to do things that ended up in me being hurt. Like sports. Or anything involving exercise, for that matter.      Fluttershy gave me a small look of pity "Oh, don't be a little filly. Let me see it." She reached to still me as I rocked back and forth in the dirt with my ankle in my hands, complaining like a child.     "Owowowow, don't touch it!" I tried to wave her hoof away. Yeah, his wasn't one of my proudest moments in Equestria.     Fluttershy continued, unperturbed by my whining. She managed to get me to stop flailing long enough to run her hooves lightly across the afflicting ankle. It sent new waves of agony into my leg, but I tried to man up a little and not scream.     "It's just sprained." she concluded "You'll be okay in a day or two. Here, let me carry you."     "Uh, yeah. Thanks."     The pegasus, instead of grabbing me with her hooves and throwing me over her shoulder like I had expected, bit down lightly on the back of my neck and lifted.     Woah, what a feeling. Being carried by the scruff of your neck that you didn't have yesterday was definitely a new sensation.  I didn't know if I liked it or not, but it didn't feel unnatural at all. It just felt...right.      What a day this was turning out to be.Loading, please wait. . .     Flutteshy's little cottage on the outskirts of Ponyville was actually pretty comfortable inside, even with the complete and utter lack of air conditioning. It was really warm outside for a guy with fur all over his body. It might have been early autumn when I left New York, but it was actually late spring here in Equestria. Go figure. I don't know why I always assumed the two world's seasons to be in sync like in all those science fiction novels, that's just nonsense when you think about it.     The cottage was nice and homey despite its small size. It reminded me of a cozy little hobbit hole, being painted with bright and welcoming colors. Scattered about were a few tables with some cushions pushed up to them like chairs, they held an assortment of knickknacks and antiques on top. A large brick fireplace rose up from the green floorboards like a tower, which was an apt description since there were several sets of tiny staircases running along its side. Most people (and I'm going to guess ponies, too) don't exactly welcome small creatues in their homes with open arms. Fluttershy isn't most ponies, those stairs were made especially to accommodate small rodents and whatever else would want to live in her walls. A whole network of paths went all through the house, with scurrying white rats traveling them.     "Nice place." I said, watching a mouse leer at me from a hole in the wall. When Shy wasn't looking, I flipped the mouse off. "Must be a pain to keep it this clean, what with all the animals wandering around as they please."     "Mmm-hmmm." she hummed absentmindedly "Sometimes they make a mess, but I don't mind cleaning it up."     I tried not to mention how I'd be prowling around in my apartment with a baseball bat if there were as many animals in there as there were in here. That would probably upset her.     "Would you like some tea?" Fluttshy asked in that quiet tone of hers "I mean, if you don't want any that's okay. I'm about to make some for me either way."     I guessed that she didn't exactly have any Snapple around the house "Yeah, thanks." I said "I usually take mine with enough sugar to wake the dead, if you have it."     "Okay, got it. I'll be right back." she said as she slipped off into an adjacent room.      I found a nice little cushion-chair-thingy to get comfortable at. Moments later, the sounds of several cooking utensils clanking together reached me. To my immediate suprise, my own ears actually swiveled toward the source of the noises, causing them to sound much clearer.      "Woah." I said. I could move my ears, and not just wiggle them like some people can. That is so...so...trippy! It turns out, I can move them about sixty degrees to the left or right on my own. I entertained myself for a good ten minutes by flopping them around aimlessly before I finnaly accepted it and moved on.     Wait...If I had ears like that then...Oh my god.     A quick glance confirmed my suspicions. I, Silus White, had a tail.     A     Freakin'     Tail!     It just swished back and forth without a care in the world, like the thing had a mind of its own. Huh. I idly wondered if it would wag when I'm happy.     I didn't even know how to react to that. The last fiften minutes had been a whirlwind of freakiness already, having a fifth limb just made me shrug an say "You know what? Screw it, I don't even care anymore." No siree, not a shit was given that day.     "Care about what?" Fluttershy asked, who had just trotted in with a silver tray and a kettle of what I assumed was tea on her back.     "Having a tail."     Fluttershy cocked an eyebrow that would have made Spock proud "Uhm. Okay?"     I caught a whiff of what was steaming in that kettle of hers "Ooo, smells good." I said, eager to change the subject.     Shy gave me a small smile and set the tray down on the table "Earl grey was the only kind I had. If I knew that you would fall out of the sky like you did earlier then I would have gone shopping for something that you liked."     I chuckled a little at her extreme Fluttershy-ness "No, that's quite alright. I'm not much of a tea guy anyway." I preferred coffee to get my caffine fix, a lot of coffe. And I mean a lot. Seriously, the CEO of Starbucks has photograph of me holding a Styrofoam cup and a cigarette on his desk, that's how much coffe I drink.     She nudged a cup of piping hot amber liquid toward me which, incidentally,  was not grey in color despite its misleading moniker. I thanked the pegasus and took a small sip. Ya'know what it tasted like to me? Tea. I couldn't tell earl grey from any other kind of hot beverage that has ever passed my lips. Hmmm... needs more coffe.     Regardless of my obvious preference for caffeinated bean juice, it still tasted pretty good. I made sure to tell her that. "You make an excellent brew, Fluttershy, thank you."     "Oh, umm, well..." she said hesitantly, her eyes shooting wide open. Oh shit, I used her name didn't I? Shit shit shit. Stupid mouth, going faster than my brain.     The metaphorical cat is out of the metaphorical bag now "Oh crap! I can explain about the whole knowing your name thing! It's just that--"     Fluttershy held up a hoof to stop me "No, uh, sorry. I'm just getting used to strange poni-- Er, people knowing my name." There was that word was again. People. I thought that they never used that in the show. Then again, I thought I was the first HiE, too.     That's because you're in a bad fanfic. I reminded myself.     "I'm the one who should explain stuff. I can tell you everything. " she said "At least, everything that Griffin told me, anyway." And with that being said, she took a seat at the table right across from me. I had to stand up at my full height to meet her eyes. I guess Fluttershy wasn't at all that big, I was just so very small.     "So, it goes a little like this..."Loading, please wait. . .     I sat at that little oak table, no less than seven hardback books piled under my newly minted tail. Fluttershy had kindly arranged them so that I didn't have to stand to meet her gaze. The pot that once steamed with hot tea lay cold and dry, as did a suspiciously empty plate of crumbs. The back of my skull buzzed silently due to a combination of that caffeinated drink and the rather strange conversation that I've been having with a fictional flying pony.     "Ohh-kay!" I said, taking a small bite from the last chunk of bread "Let me get this straight, just so I can confirm that I am indeed not going batshit crazy."     Shy nodded patiently "Take your time, I know this can be a little hard to swallow."     "So!" I said, point a finger toward the sky for dramatic effect "That old fella back in New York was actually some kind of god, right?"     She nodded again "Uh huh."     "And he, as an all-powerful omni-something immortal being, wanted me, a washed up office clerk with a Gibson acoustic guitar, to represent him as some sort of playing peice in a cosmic game of Dungeons and Dragons."     "Chess, actually." she corrected "Griffin called it The Chess Games of the Gods."     "Wonderful. And this Griffin guy... he was actually a griffin named Griffin who is also a human, who is also the captain pirate of an airship, who has killed a ton of dragons, who is also a knight--"     "Not officially."     "Close enough -- Who is also one of the first "peices" to be played, who is also bringing about a freakin' revolution with Gilda the griffin and the Great and Powerful Trixie, along with a crew of cat-people and various other characters, who explained to you all of this stuff that you just passed on to me right now."     "Yep."     "What a Mary Sue."     "A what?"     "Nothing." I tossed the rest of the bread slice down my throat and chased it with the remaining cup of cold tea "Anyhoo, you mean to tell me that there are dozens of other of mostly brony humans out there, all of which have their own god behind them."     "Yes."     "And these gods are all competing against each other to see who's pawn is the last left standing after some sort of cataclysmic event. And the winner gets...something."     "Yep."     I pinched the bridge of my nose and muttered "Bad fanfiction."      "I wouldn't have believed it at first either." the pegasus quietly agreed.     "Preachin' to the choir, sister. Is there anything that I could possibly be missing? Any little detail that you would think that I'd like to know, huh?"     Shy put a hoof to her chin and hummed thoughtfully. "Well... all of those other humans took a different form, too."     "Were they like me?"     "No, most of them were species from Equestria. I know of a windago, a diamond dog, a cat, a changeling--" she seemed to involuntarily shudder at the thought of that changeling "--and maybe a dragon, too."     Thud. My orange head met the hard wood table "A dragon! I have to go against a dragon in some kinda sick gladiator game?! Oh, yeah, that's great Just great. Fan-freaking-tastic."     "That's all I know." she concluded. Then after a pregnant pause, she gave a half-hearted chuckle "Things were so much simpler back when our worst problems were gala tickets and winter wrap up."     "Amen."     "So, um..." Fluttershy said "What are you going to do now?"     I peeled my now flatter face from the top of the table and gave her a dumb look "Huh?"     "Well, um, most humans usually find a way to pass the time. Like, fighting bad guys and going on quests and stuff."     Quests? Call me lazy, but I didn't exactly feel up for some epic journey filled with loot, danger, beer, and women that will be recorded and passed down from generation to generation until it faded into legend and yadda yadda yadda. I'd be content just to find a home and a job and live my life in it. And I'm assuming that I will indeed be spending the rest of my days here in this world, and that the god-dude isn't just setting me up for the most epic prank in the universe.      I cocked an eyebrow (and my ear seemed to follow with it) at the mare "Do I have to?"      That seemed to surprise her, like she didn't expect me to ask a question like that "Now that you think of it... no. Most of the people that I meet just chose to, or they get caught up in it."     Humans: We can sure raise hell when we want to.    "Well, I'm content just to chill. I mean, this is like... some kind of fantasy vacation. I might as well enjoy it, right? Without putting my life in danger."     "Yes, I suppose so."     "Great!" I said, then gestured theatrically to the sky as if swearing some kind of divine oath "From today forth, I'm going to make it my goal--Nay, my duty-- to sit back and go on a lifetime vacation!" You hear that, author?I thought Screw you and your dumb plot! I do what I want, and you can't force me to partake in this cliché fanfic! I'm going to make my life so boring to read about that you'll just haveto give up on this story.Of course, that's not what happened. Not at all. What? Do you think it would be that easy? Ha ha ha...no.Loading, please wait. . .     Later on, Fluttershy demonstrated to her veterinary prowess by wrapping up my sprained ankle, despite not being able to identify my species. No, not the human species, I mean the orange furball body that my mind had been stuffed in. That species. Anyway, she graciously lent me a pair of crutches that were apparently fashioned to be for monkeys (how convenient is that?) and insisted that I stay in bed at her place for at least three more days to heal. I declined her offer, opting to go out and hobble around Ponyville during the day and crash there at night.      I was almost taken aback at her...well, her kindness. To her, I was a total stranger, she didn't know if I was a psychotic serial killer or a kind and gentle saint. She let me in her home either way. She wasn't concerned with whether or not I was deserving of her charity, she only cared about helping a poor sap that had been suckered into sky diving into Equestria without a parachute.      Hell...come to think of it, she saved my life.     The realization struck my like an anvil in a Looney Toons show. I was too damn concerned with my own incredibly strange predicament to realize that if it wasn't for her, I would have been a me-shaped splatter on the ground. I hadn't even thanked her, and she was too nice of a person to say anything about it. I suddenly felt like a really, really horrible person.     But it wasn't too late to amend my mistake "Uh, Fluttershy." I said, stopping halfway between the seat of books and the door.     "What is it?"     I suddenly became very aware of how interesting the floorboards were "I uhmmm, I just wanted to say thanks." I wasn't very good with expressing gratitude. Sure, if someone did me a little favor like loaning me a fiver, I'd thank them without a problem. It was the big things that people do for me that I had trouble with. I just didn't know how to put into words or actions how grateful I am to some people. I'm always worried if it would be too much or too little. What is the best way to thank someone, or somepony, for saving your life? Yeah, that's just it, there is no clear-cut way to say thanks for an act of that magnitude. I had to just... wing it.     "You... you saved my life." I continued "I didn't die today. I mean, I could have... if it wasn't for you. I'm sorry that I didn't think to thank you sooner." Was this too little? Did it sound half-hearted and insincere at all? Oh god, I was really good with words when I wrote them down, why couldn't I do the same when I'm talking?     Fluttershy gave me a warm smile in response "Oh, don't think about it too much. I was just doing my duty to take care of all the small critters in the world. It's no big deal."     I allowed myself a glance down at my own injured body "I am a small critter now, aren't I?" But it was a big deal. Does she really think that I could shrug that off like it was nothing? Maybe, maybe not, but I did know that she wanted me not to mention it, so the least I could do was respect that.     "Just..." I began "I owe you one. It's not much, but if you ever need anything..."     "I'll let you know."     I opened my mouth to say something, but I was at a loss for words by then. Instead, I shut my jaw and nodded "Right, right." I glanced at the big green door at the end of the room "I should get going. Got a whole new world out there to explore, y'know? I should probably find a place to stay more permanently, and maybe get a job or something so I'm not penniless." I hoped that jobs are a little more plentiful in this country.      "Are you sure about sure about going out with your ankle like that? It won't make it heal any better." she asked with honest concern.     "I'm on an alien planet populated with crayon-colored talking ponies that are all taller than me. Frankly, I'm dying of curiosity. Do you want me to die of something so terrible, Fluttershy? I'd hope not."      "Well, okay then, I can't stop you. Just stay off of that leg 'til it heals and try not to do any heavy lifting. Come back if you can't find a place to sleep tonight."     Already hobbling toward the door, I waved back at her "Sure thing. See you later, Fluttergator." Once there, I realized that even the doors here weighed more than I did. Opening it was a daunting task, especially with only one usable foot to do it with. I pushed heaved and groaned, and the door took longer than it should have to open. I really needed to stop smoking. But the thing eventually gave way, costing me only a half minute and little piece of my already dwindling pride.     Then I stepped outside.     Light!     A torrent of bright hot sunbeams washed over me like  a crashing wave, temporarily searing my retinas and making my mind reel. Celestia's oppressive sun hung there in the blue springtime sky, shooting its warm rays of blinding light at the planet below. My eyes were in momentary agony after having spent an hour inside that cool cottage with very heavy drapes.     I shielded my squinted eyes from the offending star with a fuzzy orange hand. I blinked rapidly as my vison slowly adjusted to the new lighting. "Damn." was all I muttered in response.     The door swung itself shut behind me. Looking back, I noticed a square doggy-door built into the wall directly adjacent to the entrance, sized perfectly for my thin frame. Screw you, hindsight.     Then I looked out to the town spread out before me. A long dirt pathway cut a swath across the grassy open space and weaved directly into Ponyville proper. Dozens of homes hewn with whitewashed walls, wooden framing, and straw roofing clustered around the worn town hall. The ponies gallantly flitting about the place were nothing but brightly hued silhouettes in the distance, with the pegasai buzzing about the upper reaches like dragonflies around a pond and the more earthbound ponies content to leisurely stroll about the place. Even farther out, just at the edge of my vision, Canterlot clung to its mighty mountainside, stoically standing watch over the dwarfed town.     Then again, you already knew what Ponyville looked like, didn't you?     I took a deep breath in attempts to suppress my rising urges to squeal and dance around like a moron, probably hurting my ankle even more in the process. It was no joke, this was the real deal. I was indeed taken to Equestria.     Forget bad fanfiction, no story that sends me here can be all that horrible, can it?     I took another breath and steeled myself for what was to come. The land of my dreams had been just served to me on a platter, I certainly wasn't going to waste time cooped up in a house, no way in hell.     Without further ado, I took my first step into a brand new world...     ...and immediately fell on my face.     "Ungh." I said, spitting out a mouthfull of dust "Stupid crutches."