In The Name of Science

In the Name of ScienceChapter Four: The Science of Collecting Data

Well, you know what they say about beggars and choosers. "When do I start?"

Pi looked surprised for a moment, as if he had not expected me to accept so quickly. His dumb look quickly melted away to a sly, toothy grin. He spun around and yanked one final lever with all of his might. I was suddenly away of how the entire room was awash in a sapphire blue sea of light. A gigantic image of what I assumed to be a map of Equestria floated in the air, suspended by some unknown force. I quickly realized that it was a big hologram, like in The Avengers or something.

"Immediately."

A Day Later. . .

     ...an icy shiver ran its way down my spine as the dirty stallion pressed the rusty dull knife up against my exposed throat. I clenched my teeth to keep from screaming. There was no way out of this now; I was caught between a brick wall and a pony who wanted my blood. Nowhere to run, no way to fight, I was at his complete mercy, and he wasn't looking to be in a merciful mood.

     My god... Ten minutes ago, Equestria was a land of sunshine and rainbows. What the hell happened between then and--

Oh, right. I should probably explain. Rewind.

<<

"Gaaaaaah! Ohgod ohgod ohgod ohgod!"

     Old man Gravity yanked my body downward at the speed of a bullet. The wind whipped and roared--

Hold it! Too far back. Fast forward.

>>

     ... laid on my back, dirty and exhausted before the flaming the wreckage of that dammed airship. My chest heaved up and down as I tried to regain my breath. God, did I just really survive that? I felt up my whole body; heart still beating, lungs still breathing, still had all my limbs, still had my tail. Yep, I did just survive that. I pulled the shiny prize from my coat pocket. All this, just for a little--

Woah! Go back! GO BACK!

<<

     I was standing in a nice grassy field about a quarter mile outside of Ponyville. The cool spring...

Perfect. Stay right there.

     ...breeze gently rustled my sensitive orange fur as it blew its was across the grasslands, making me feel all tingly all over. This area outside of town was truly the most peaceful place that I had ever been in all my life. And that's coming from a guy who spend his nights and some of his days sleeping through weekend parties, traffic jams, car alarms, and all other kinds of noise pollution. The silence out here was almost totally alien to me. The only sounds that reached my ears was the soothing, endless song of grass blades rustling in the wind and the occasional merry chirp of a distant bird.

     It was beautiful. Back in New York, the closest that I've ever gotten to natural beauty like this was Central Park, and that paled in comparison to the sprawling carpets of grass, littered with the flamboyant colors of the wildflowers that peppered the landscape. It was a place of serenity. No one got mugged or stabbed here, there were no ten car pileups, there were no gang wars, there were no meth labs set up, or prostitutes standing on the corners. There was only the grass, the flowers, the wind, and I.

     The last three hours had been a blur of new things and new information to process. Pi had explained more of his science-ey stuff as he piled heaps of gear on me. Beautiful, lovely gear.

     The first thing that the Precursor had gifted me with was a set of clothes. "Here, put these on." he said "I shouldn't have been letting you run around naked as much as you have." Then he handed me a pile of clothes and we had a mildly award moment where I got dressed in front of him. I didn't know whether or not I should have been embarrassed that I had been streaking through Ponyville the whole time. Eh, whatever, I was just grateful to have a new set of threads.

     Pi told that I needed something sturdy to wear out in the field. I had put on a pair of breathtakingly soft tidy-whitey underpants, a pair of classic blue carpenter jeans, a plain white t-shirt , and a nice denim jacket to match the jeans. Odd, he didn't give me any shoes. Huh. As if shoes could fit these floppy feet anyway.

     I asked him if I could swap the jacket out for something in the ballpark of a brown leather duster with a matching fedora. He simply chuckled and asked "What kind of effect do you think wearing the tanned skin of a mammal would have on a population consisting chiefly of hardcore herbivores? Besides, it's a cliché. I'm not a fan of clichés." What a stick in the mud.

     Then he told me to hold out my right arm and pull up my sleeve. I did so, and then he shackled my wrist with what he called "the most important tool you'll ever see in your tragically short life." It was like some kind of metal vambrace slash bracelet. The bracelet was made from the same coppery metal as everything else that the Precursors owned, and it was carved with the same runic symbols as that thing that Cosine had tossed me back on Earth. It was kind of heavy, too. It was like wearing an ankle weight on your wrist. I was gonna have a hell of a time lugging this around.

     "Don't lose it." he said "Though it might be difficult to do so since taking the brace off will require the removal your hand." Oh, that's nice to know. I was absolutely sure that this thing was gonna be a pain in the ass now.

     I asked him what the bracelet did, he simply told me it was for "Collecting data." and he said it in a real creepy way, like you'd hear those words coming from a guy offering you free candy and puppies when you were a kid.

     Next up was a regular cotton backpack, dyed brown, and a pouch full of jingily golden bits, I took those greatfully. Oh ho ho...money money moooo-naaay! Those coins were real freaking gold, too! I found that there were one hundred bits in total when I counted them later. According to my headcanon for currency in Equestria, this should be enough to live on for a week or so. Or not.

     Lastly came a simple Precursor metal sphere. It was about the size of a baseball to me, and covered in their trademark language. "What's this for?" I asked "Jesus, it's heavier than a freakin' cannonball."

     Pi called it the "Multitool." He said that it was made up of a morphic material that took years of R and D to blah blah blah blah...and that it could rearrange its shape and size to imitate any simple physical object its user could imagine. Well, hot damn! If that wasn't useful for something, then my name wasn't Silus White.

    He explained that it was voice activated, and all I had to due was hold the ball, picture an object, and say its name. One, two, three, boom. You've got whatever you want. The first thing I made was a hammer. Watching that thing work... it was like seeing water come to life! The ball of amorphous liquid just melted in my hand and rapidly shaped itself into the outline of a blacksmith's hammer and went solid again. It was still shiny and bronze, and the runes were still present. It lookes like a weapon from an RPG series.

     Then I had an idea. If it could become pretty much anything, then any medieval tool or weapon that my mind could conjure up was a possibility. Oh yes, it was fun. With but a single word from my lips, I had in my hand a scythe, a sword, a flail, a spear, an axe, a katana, a dagger, a quarterstaff, a halbred, anything. I could make it into a shield, but that left me without a sword. I could turn it to a bow without any arrows or into an arrow without a bow. I tried to make it into a .357 magnum double action revolver, but it just buzzed at me like I had guessed the wrong letter on Wheel of Fortune. It turned out, there were far too many moving parts in a modern firearm,  it would just push the multitool beyond its limits. Oh well, it wasn't like I could find any .357 mag rounds in a world that hasn't invented guns yet. Though, I could make it into a flintlock pirate era gun, but that left me with the same reoccurring ammo problem. But explosive powder and lead balls might be easier to find than I thought.

     That "multitool" thing was the single greatest toy on the planet.

     And finally, the last thing I got was some kind of flask, like the kind people slip into their jackets when they need to take a sip of whiskey every now and again. He said drink, and I shotgunned the entire bottle. Jesus H. Christ on ice...it tasted like warm, non alcoholic, stale, fizzless beer mixed with that nasty grape cough syrup that my parents always force fed me when I had a cold. My insides immediately tried to eject that demonic swill out of my body the same way that it came in, and it nearly did, too. It took all of my power not to spew all over the floor. Soon enough, my stomach settled and I wasn't in any danger of erupting.

     "Wow." Pi said "I didn't think that you'd actually do it."

     "Oh you suck..."

      As nasty as it tasted, that shit was like some kind of miracle medicine. Two minutes and a desperate plea for mouthwash later, I could walk on my own two feet without the monkey crutches. Though, feeling the muscles inside my body slosh around of their own accord like some sick-o replaced my insides with jello is not something I wanted to feel a second time. But hey, at least my leg was healed!

     "Groovy."

     And so, an hour later, I ended up out there in the grassy outskirts of Ponyville, about to preform our first "Field Test."

     "Now tell me again why I'm out here." I asked the bracelet. It also served as a direct line of communication to Pi, by the way. That was kinda cool, having the only walkie-talkie in the world.

     "We need a place with little background noise to preform this first experiment." his dry voice echoed inside my brain. Woah, it might take a while for me to get used to that. How did he talk inside my head anyway? Eh, that's just another freaky mystery that I'll have to solve later.

"What are we experimenting on?"

     "The speed of sound. We need to get a good feel for the basic laws of physics in Equestria before we can get any major research done."

     "Can't we just ask somebody around here what it is? I think the Precursors aren't the only scientists on this planet." I'm pretty sure a certain purple alicorn princess would know. That gave me a nice excuse to go and see the best pony.

     "Then that takes all the fun out of it! It's like asking somebody how a book ends before you've finished this first chapter!"

     "Alright, alright, I get it. Just tell me what you need me to do."

     "It's quite simple really, all you need to do is make a loud noise about ten feet away from yourself. The instruments in your bracelet will then feed the raw information back to my lab and I can use it to calculate the speed of sound. Maximum efficiency."

     "Okay, sounds kinda easy. But how am I gonna do that?"

     "Honestly, must I think of everything? You have an acceptable IQ, figure it out for youself."

    "Lazy." I muttered.

     Okay, think think think think think...I need a loud sound, it has to be twenty feet away, and it has to be out here in an empty field. Hmm...

     The gears in my head turned. Wait...

     "Fluttershy!"

Loading, please wait. . .

    The top half of the brightly painted red door swung open to reveal the head and shoulder of one yellow pegasus pony.

     "Hello?" Fluttershy asked "Who's there?"

     I loudly cleared my throat "Down here."

     Fluttershy cast her eyes downward to meet my own "Oh, Silus! Where did you get those clothes?"

     "A, uh, friend." I answered, unsure if I should let her in on the whole "Precursor" thing.

     Her look of curiosity instantly turned into a warm, genuine smile "My, you make friends fast." Had she been suspicious of me, she was very good at hiding it.

     I smiled too, but more to myself than to her "Yeah, that's always been a little gift of mine. Anyhoo, I've come to return these--" I grabbed the pair of monkey crutches from their spot leaning up on the side of her cottage "Thanks for letting me borrow them."

     She opened the bottom half of her door and accepted the crutches, with a dumbfounded look. "You can heal even faster than you make friends! That's amazing.  Just let me put these away."  There was no way that she wasn't suspicious. She returned deeper into the cottage, and came back to the doorway a minute "Did you need anything?"

      I lowered my eyes timidly "Well, uh...I know that you've done so much for me already, and it's not my place to ask, but--" Oh great,  I was about to be THAT guy. You know, the one who does nothing but free load off of your good will until you can't take their shit anymore and you're forced to plant your boot firmly up their ass. Yeah, that guy. "Can you do me another, tiny, effortless little thing? I swear, I'll owe you like five favors if you say yes. But, I'll understand completely if you say no. I mean, you saved my life. What more could I want from a girl, I mean mare, who did that, right? Y'know what, never mind. I'll just--"

     "Silus!" Flutteshy cut me off. She looked at me in kind of a... a funny way. It wasn't negative like she was angry or irritated, though. This is Fluttershy, after all. "Silus." she said in a totally neutral tone.

     I shrunk away a bit "Yeah?" It looked like I was that guy for sure.

     "You were never at any time a burden on me." She said with seriously OOC sternness "You are just about the most well mannered and polite guest that I've ever had in my home. And if you think that I would just turn somepony in need away after they've been though such a life-changing experience, then you've got another thing coming, buster!"

     "Oh."

     Oh... Element of Kindness. Right. But was I really not a hassle to take care of? I mean, she's already fed me, made me tea, offered me a place to sleep, lent me some crutches, and even saved my life. I've already dominated most of her day, and given nothing back in return but a few barely meaningful words of thanks. How could she be okay with me asking more of her? Even if it would cost her only a few minutes. I only took, and all she did was give give give. How can she trust me enough to do all of that without a second thought?

     I guessed that it was true; Equestria really wasn't anything like Earth.

     "Sorry, I just... It's different where I come from. Like, waaay different"

     She nodded sagely "I understand. Now what did you need me to do?"

     Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Derp "I'll tell you on the way."

Loading, please wait. . .

     "It's easy, just stand over there--" I pointed to a spot that was probably far enough away to work "--and yell at me when I give you the signal."

     Fluttershy nodded "Okay." Then she trotted off merrily.

     "Why do they need to know the speed of sound anyway?" she asked.

     "That's a good question." I pulled up my sleeve to reveal Pi's bracelet "Why do you need to know the speed of sound?" I asked the chunk of jewelry.

     "Because," He replied irritability "the speed of sound is a highly important variable in a countless number of equations that your feeble mortal mind can't even begin to solve."

     "He said he needs it to do math!" I hollered at Shy.

     "I guess that makes sense, sort of."

     I turned back to the bracelet "Whenever you're ready."

     "I am right now, and you may proceed. Just present the bracelet so that it gets a clear reception, so don't have it brushing against your clothes or anything of the like."

     "Got it, boss-man." I held out my orange arm at a ninety deree angle "Ready!"

     Fluttershy took in a dramatically deep breath... and let it out in the weakest bellowing that I had ever heard "Hell-ooooo!"

     "My, what lungs she has." Pi drawled sarcastically "It needs to be louder, much louder for the instruments to be able to read it."

     My palm met my face with an audible slap. I'm an idiot sometimes. This was Fluttershy! She's about as loud as a marshmallow landing on a bed of goose down pillows.  Wow, I was a really bad brony sometimes.

     "Okay, new plan." I said, then stuffed my hand hand in my front breast pocket and retrieved a tin case and a pack of matches, which I had found in a general store a few minutes after I left Pi's basement slash science lab-thingy.

     I opened the case to reveal a neat collection of long, off-white cylinders of hoof-wrapped tobacco. Who knew that there were any smokers in Ponyville? Though, they looked like a lot like joints. I guessed that ponies hadn't yet thought to make filters for their smokes. That meant that there were sadly no menthol 100s in Equestria.

     I bit down the cigarette and lit it. I took a deep drag off of the smoke, letting the feeling of-- "Ack!" God damn, these things were not smooth, not at all! I erupted into a a fit of dry, painful coughing. I hadn't heard a smoker's cough from my own lungs in a long time.

    "Oh,--" I hacked again "what the hell?" Cough cough cough. I definitely wasn't used to unfiltered, home grown tobacco.

'Could you please refrain from smoking, please?' Pi's bored voice echoed in my head 'We worked hard on the body that you're currently abusing, don't start giving it lung cancer already.' New body meant new lungs. New lungs meant I had to get used to smoking a second time. Crap.

     This would probably be the best possible opportunity to quit smoking, but... "Screw you!" I exclaimed, taking a small puff from the cigarette. Cough.

     "Screw who?" Fluttershy asked.

     Oh yeah, Shy probably couldn't hear me since he's not really using sound to speak to me. "The voices in my brain!" I cheerily answered.

      She just looked at me like I had told her the grass was blue and the sky was green. "Ohhhh-kay then."

     I took another drag from the smoke. Cough. Alright, I needed something that could make Fluttershy loud, something to make her want to scream. The gears in my head turned.

     I could've made her angry by stepping on a bug or something, but that would be just plain dickish of me. Plus, I had no idea if she has any lingering FlutterHulk in her. Unlikely, but I didn't want to take the chance. Oh! Maybe if she had a firecracker or something... but where would I get one of those? That general store might have had some, but I was too damn lazy to walk a quarter mile back to Ponyville. I already did it for Fluttershy, and I didn't want to do it again. What else makes a loud noise?

     Perhaps this multitool thingy of mine could be of use. Now, what's a simple object that could make a lot of noise? Hmmm, maybe an airhorn? No, those things aren't so simple. Oh, what are those things that kind of look like a rolled up tube of toothpaste that people have on New Years, the ones you blow in and they make an annoying noise? Would that even be loud enough? Probably not, and I wasn't sure if you could make those out of metal anyway. Damn, this was hard.

     I scratched my goatee. Scratching or stroking your beard when you're thinking always helps. It's true, I've seen it in movi-- Ooohhh, I know! Why didn't I think of this sooner?

     I fished the heavy tool, which I had made in the shape of a small cube for easy storage, out of my pocket. Even though it was the size of a die, this thing was still weighed about twenty pounds. I wondered why that was.

     A triumphant grin spread across my face as I proudly declared "Whistle!"

     The tool again turned to a shiny liquid that shaped itself into a bronze colored whistle like you'd see around the neck of a drill sargent or gym teacher. Voila.

     "Catch." I tossed it to Flutters, who instead of catching, curled up and scooted away from the whistle like it was a red rubber ball. Huh. I guessed Shy's gotta shy.

     I took a puff of my smoke. Cough. "Nice catch."

     He face flared up as red as a Ferrari. "Oh, sorry. It's... it's just a reflex..."She grabbed the whistle in her teeth and hoisted it up with a labored grunt. "Mpph mp mmfmmf!"

     "I know, right? It's so tiny, but it's like lifting a dumbell. "

     "Mm mf mmphmf?"

     "No, it's not magic, it's technology. Trippy, ain't it?"

     'How in the world do you understand her?' Pi asked.

     "I used to intern at a dental office before I wanted to be an actor."

     'Ah.'

     "Mmphmm?"

    "Yeah, I'm ready. Go." I extended my bracelet arm.

     The whistle was perfect. Fluttershy sent a piercing note through the air, scaring the hell out of any nearby birds and making me flatten my ears to my head. What the shit?! That hurt my ears like you wouldn't believe! It was like I pissed off an invisible banshee. When did whistling make your brain melt in your skull?!

     'Oops. I should explain the difference between an ottsel's and human's perception of frequency..."

     "Ack. No thanks, absent-minded professor. I think I've figured it out already." I rubbed my temples in an effort to alleviate the mental pain. It didn't work. "Anyway, did that do the trick?"

     'Yes.'

    "Thank god."

'Give me a moment to process the data, I'll be right back.'

     "Take your time, man."

     Fluttershy spat out the ten ton whistle and rolled her sore jaw around a few times before asking "Who are you talking to?"

     "The guy who sent me here. Well, one of them anyway. He uses this thingy--" I gestured to the bracelet "--to talk inside my head."

     "Oh. I just thought you were crazy."

     I chuckled to myself "You and me both, sister."

     "So, is that it" she asked "I have to go check on Angel Bunny, if you don't need anything else."

     "Oh, yeah, that's it. Thanks SO much for doing this. I'll see ya tonight, coz Pi won't let me crash at his joint."

     She smiled and turned to trot away "Bye."

     'Fascinating!' Pi's disembodied voice exclaimed.

     What perfect plot timing. "What is it?" I asked

'The speed of sound on this planet is incredibly similar to ninety five percent of all other universes that we've studied.'

     I blinked. "Uh...kay?"

     'You don't understand, I gleaned as much. You see, Silus, the speed of sound on earth is approximately seven hundered and sixty one point two miles per hour at or around sea level. The Equestrian Mach one is seven hundred and sixty one point oh five three in the same conditions! This is phenomenonal.'

     "And I should care...why?"

     'Don't you see?! This raises a thousand more questions that we nees to answer! For example, the phenomenon that you call a 'Sonic Rainboom' should be completely impossible in an environment with an air density like this. Those pegasai beings should be torn apart like tissue paper when they reach speeds in the lower hundreds of miles an hour, but they don't. Why is that?'

     "Magic." I deadpanned.

     'Pah! Magic is merely science that one has yet to explain. Your kind used to believe that lighting was the wrath of your gods; a kind of magic in itself. Through the proper use of the scientific method, your scholars learned that it was merely massive electrostatic discharges from within large storm systems. There was nothing divine about it.'

     I flicked some ashes off my smoke and onto the ground. The world was my ashtray! "Sure. Fascinating. You have your data, what now?"

     'Simple. We collect more.'

     "Fan-freakin'-tastic."

     'Oh, don't be so unenthusiastic. You'll likely be doing this for years to come. You may as well get used to it. Now, we should move on to our next test. In addition to the speed of sound, I'll need to measure the gravity of this planet.'

     "How?"

     'I'll need you to fall from something at least twenty feet high, the bracelet will do the rest.'

     Oh dear god in heaven. "Can I pass on this one? You just fixed my leg, there's no point in breaking it again,"

     'Fine. I see your point. But you'll have to move on to the next test.'

     "Kay. What is it?"

     'I need a sample of an element that resides in group fourteen of the periodic table. Any solution or chemical compound with an adequate amount of that element in it should suffice. Carbon may be the easiest to aquire. '

     "Oh, wait, I know this one. Carbon is found in living things, right?" Yeah! I knew I learned something from Star Trek! Take that, mom.

     'Correct. Any good sample of either flora or fauna should do.'

     "Well that's easy." I bent over and plucked a handful of healthy green grass from the ground. "Now what?"

    'Place it on the bracelet.'

     I gently laid the strands of grass over my heavy peice of jewelry. "Okay, now--Woah!"

     My right arm errupted into white hot sparks the second that I let go of the blades. It died down quickly with a little puff of smoke, but left purple floaty streaks in my eyes, the kind you get for looking at the sun for to long. When I blinked away the brightness, the grass was completely gone, like it had never even been there to begin with.

     "What was that?" I asked dumbly.

     'The bracelet broke the plants down at a molecular level. It lets me isolate the carbon from the undesirable elements.'

     "Whatever. So what did you find out this time, professor?"

     'Hmmm. It's hard to say. This sample is too small. I'll need a larger one.'

     "More grass. Got it."

     Just as I began to get another handful of the stuff, Pi cut me off. 'No, no, no. That would just be futile. I'm sure no amount of grass that you rip out of the dirt will suffice. We'll need a more concentrated sample.'

     "What's more concentrated, then?"

     'Something with a fairly large density that's made chiefly of carbon should do the trick. We need something very, very hard, and a lot of it.'

     "Like?"

     'You're going to have to obtain a large diamond.'

     ...

     Well, crap.