Equestria: A History Revealed

by Hoofry_Poneigher

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 121081

Loose Change is arrogant, conspiracy-obsessed, and most likely just all-out insane. And with the help of that homeless pony who lives in a box behind the donut shop, her essay will reveal the truth behind the entire history of Equestria.

The truth is revealed! From award* winning writer of such academic essays as “Soylent Green is Ponies” and “An Abhorrent Offense: Princess Luna and the Invasion of Privacy”, third year University of Canterlot student, Loose Change, has finished her magnum opus, uncovering the secrets of Equestrian history, spanning from the Pre-Equestrian Age to the rise of Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Famously noted for causing her professor to laugh so hard he broke a wing while marking it, this revisionist abuse of history reveals the true lies and untold lie-truths behind the reign of Celestia, and Equestria as a whole.

Published 2013-08-24 04:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-01 01:13:32 UTC

Chapter 2: The Great Play – The Drawing of Curtains

The history of the founding of Equestria is said to have taken place before the wide-spread use of the written word, and therefore was mainly passed down through spoken legends, much like how those ~~filthy pie-eating~~ buffalo communicated their early history with each other.[1] However, us hygienic equines differed in that we eventually discovered how history could be used as a tool in our favor. It was the Celestia administration that quickly took advantage of the lack of true academic standing revolving around our early history, and created a national play to be held annually on the holiday of Hearth’s Warming Eve, which was said to be the date of which Equestria was formed. Of course, the real date of the founding of Equestria is still largely uncertain; there is no true evidence supporting the validity of the date except for the facts presented by scholars, which is generally accepted as fact by most other scholars. The date itself was most likely chosen to coincide with the Winter Solstice and to create a celebratory holiday for the occasion. While it is true that records that have recorded the exact date of when Equestria was founded exist, it must be understood that such a date could have easily been fabricated by the Celestia administration as well. Is it not a coincidence that Equestria happened to be founded on the date celebrating the founding of Equestria? It seems a little too convenient for this scholar, which is why this issue must be addressed.

While the play is presented as the official government’s account of the founding of Equestria, the play itself is rife with historical errors, once cross-examined with what little written records have survived across history. Nonetheless, it is my theory that Celestia has hidden these delicious nuggets of history within her performance of lies; possibly to relieve her hidden guilt and reveal the truth to us ponies (who were smart enough to read between the lines). If this retelling of the founding of Equestria is reviewed in a symbolic light such as this, one can appreciate it on a much greater level.

As any school filly can tell you, preceding the founding of Equestria, ponies were fiercely divided among themselves by race.[2] According to the words of the Hearth’s Warming Eve pageant, it was the inherently flawed system of pre-Equestrian life and the intervention of some naughty windigos that prompted the discovery of Equestria. But once this claim is reviewed by an expert eye such as myself, the truth that is revealed may shock you in a similar manner to my reaction when my doctor revealed my affliction with stage two syphilis. Regrettably, in my professional experience, neither of these revelations have helped me pick up any stallions as of yet.

In one of the play’s comedic moments, it is made clear that the establishment of the three nations; Unicornia, Pegasopolis, and Earth, was little more than a one-off gag. However, the existence of these nations is not only not-false, it is true. In fact, I would be so daring to make the claim that ponies had already settled on Equestria before its "discovery", and only later did the three nations unify to form Equestria. This can be proven once analyzed with the following source.

It was Clover the Clever who had wrote in her biography,

“The establishment of Unicornia and the other nations led to difficult international relations. The nations would quarrel over things such as borders and obtrusive rocks. Due to this and the hubris of my superior, many a skirmish occurred in that dark cave. It was through this escalation of tensions that I realized the continuation of such a foreign policy would not be self-sustainable…”[3]

Most historians agree that the aforementioned cave coincides with the cave seen in the Hearth's Warming Eve pageant. But I am not one of those historians who rely on such faulty facts or logic. I rely on cold hard conjecture. What if the cave is actually a hidden metaphor, twisted in an allegory, and hidden in another metaphor? It would not be unreasonable to identify this as a literary allusion, tied to the work of famed philosopher Ponyto's (not to be confused with Ponyta, the fiery temptress of fire), "The Cave". In this literary work, the cave represents ignorance, and the ponies in the darkness of the cave have their reality blinded by the constraints of what they have learned to perceive as the truth. Remind you of anything? This is Equestrian society in a nutshell!

Clover's use of the word "dark", instead of a different adjective strengthens this connection even further. After all, the cave from “The Cave” was also described to be dark, and had darkness and shadows dominate its main themes. While the word "dark" in this case was meant to act as a descriptive word alone, her vocabulary was not limited to such a simple definition. For example, the words "blackish" and "notwhite" (which I might add are very uncommonly used if not imaginary words all-together), could have been used instead to showcase her academic prowess. But the use of the word "dark" is intriguing, and provokes further study.

Perhaps the whole passage is simply a metaphor? The scene of the play in question, with the six ponies in the cave could have simply been a compression of history by Celestia's administration. But it is up to me to stretch it out like an old accordion, no matter how rusty and out of tune it may be. When the three nations were drawing up lines in the sand, perhaps this was added to represent the actual drawing of borders. Looking at a map of present-day Equestria,[4] the remnants of these nations' borders can still be identified.

Pegasopolis had become Western Equestria, as it possessed the openest skies and the ghastliest of gorges, while Eastern Equestria used to be Earth, with its fertile lands and wide plains. Through process of elimination, we can assume the nation of Unicornia laid directly in the middle, with a few mountainous regions, without a clear advantageous position. This claim is further backed up by a recent population census, in which Canterlot, which would have been part of Unicornia, possessed more unicorns than any of the other races, while Cloudsdale which lied in the west, possessed more pegasi.[5] While in the case of Cloudsdale, one might attribute this to the fact that the city was built upon clouds, but they would be wrong and they should feel bad.

With Clover the Clever's mention of "escalation of tensions" in the passage, and the frequent invasions of territory that occurred in the play (most likely symbolizing full scale assaults in real life), it would not be difficult to assume that a war would likely erupt. In the event of a war between all three states, it would be increasingly likely that Unicornia would be forced to fight a two-front war with its enemies, a war it could not hope to win. This would explain Clover's realization of the unsustainability of Unicornia's foreign policy. Especially with the threat of a fully militarized Pegasopolis (demonstrated in the play through their militaristic talk and their wearing of armor), the threat of a "hot war" would be devastating to the unicorns.

It is on that note in which I must take pause and address another issue with the play. Concerning windigos, it is known that they rarely (if ever) venture out from the Arctic north in search for food,[6] immediately destroying their primary role in the play. But if it was not due to the presence of windigos, what drove the ponies to ruin? It is my theory that the windigos really represent a literal “Cold War” between the ponies, which would support Clover's statement regarding tensions, and the likelihood of a war. The windigos simply were a symbolic gesture to compress what may have been a century spanning cold war, which, due to each nation's reliance on the principles of segregation, would perpetuate racial conflicts between the three species, much like what the windigos fed upon in the literal "cave".

What of the rocks seen in both the play and in the words of Clover? In a realistic sense, nations fighting over rocks would seem rather foolish. The coinciding nature of such a thing would surely be a flaw to my argument. And you would be right. So let's cross that out.

If you insist on an explanation, Clover may have been using the rocks as a metaphor as well. It would not be impossible to justify; we just said her whole passage was a metaphor didn't we? The rocks could represent obstacles in achieving a healthy and nutritious balanced breakfast,[7] such as arguments over the ownership of territory or social disputes.

So now we have successfully deconstructed the lies of history and reconstructed the truth from its remnants into a demented one-legged stool. "But wait", you may ask, "Clover the Clever's "Birth of a Nation" was written in 351, while Ponyto's "The Republic" was written nearly 200 years later during Equestria's Classical Era. How could Clover the Clever make an allusion to such a work before it even existed?" For an explanation to this inconsistency, please see the two points below.

A) Because shut up.

2) She's magic, I ain't gotta explain shit.

Chapter 3: The Birth of a Republic – The Equestrian Spring

According to the play, Equestria was created through the growing friendship of Clover, Pansy, and Smart Cookie, which melted their respective leaders and drove off the windigos. But I find such a conclusion to be far too sappy and supporting of the pro-friendship agenda, another mark of Celestia's interference in history. Besides, friendship never had a major effect on future Equestrian history, so why would it here? Instead, I believe that the birth of Equestria must have come forth through much more boring and bureaucratic means, by a gradual détente, or thaw, in tensions. Territories were probably agreed upon, borders possibly secured and recognized, and the immediate demilitarization of all nations may have happened, which would lead to the leaders to most likely say, "Hey, let's just ~~fuck~~ unify already".[8] Don't ask me where the evidence to support this claim is. I really don't know. What, do you expect me to be some kind of freaking encyclopedia? I'm getting drunker and drunker off this moonshine whisky Larry generously shared with me and I ain't in the mood to be bothered with proof. And I'm incredibly lonely.

"Hey stallions, if you want a good time, come meet me in the mare's bathroom at the Canterlot library."

-Me

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"Despite the defusing of political tensions, social and racial tensions still ran rampant among the three species. While the creation of Equestria was made to reflect on this problem, to create a national pony identity under a single nation and eventually pave the way for the end of these racial tensions through joint cooperation, some early critics labeled the idea as an 'idea fuelled by reckless idealism'. Nonetheless, it was this idealism that begun the Pre-Classical Era and defined its initial transitory period, known commonly to historians as the 'Equestrian Spring'."[9]

When discussing the government formed as a result from the birth of Equestria, known academically as the "Equinus Republic", there are many factors that one must take into account. Created through the political and moral ideals of its leaders, Clover, Pansy, and Smart Cookie, the formation of the first and only Equestrian republic was birthed from the fertile loins of early democracy. Choosing their capital to be in Trottingham, a rapidly growing town to the East which shared heavy influences of both unicorn and earth pony culture, such a gesture was made to promote their message of the cultivation of unity among ponies.

The establishment of a government with equal representation among the three races was an idea that is foreign even to this day. While the government can be said to have good intentions, it is commonly remembered for beginning and ending the Pre-Classical Era with its rise and fall, and more significantly, for its inability to stop Discord's rise to power. However, as I have said before and will continue to say multiple times throughout this essay, isn't this a little too convenient? In order to prevent the rise of a republic from succeeding over the corrupt Equestrian monarchy, would it not be favorable to the current regime to embellish the history of the previous government? By over-emphasizing the Republic's flaws, it would allow Celestia's government to seem far more competent and prevent future clamor for democratic reforms. While traditionalist history also condemns the failures of the Republic, may I remind you that they were probably all paid off by the Celestia administration? It is only I and I alone who is brave enough to present the truth.

Traditionalist historians agree that the renewed sense of idealism along with the novelty of such a republic played important roles in ensuring the regime’s survival. This period brought an overall spirit of optimism, political liberalization, and new freedoms to the pegasi and unicorn population, with its military junta[10] and absolute monarchy respectfully. Of course, us earth ponies didn't require such a change; we were already ahead of the times (until we were forced into submission by Celestia years later). It was the earth pony's primitive system of democratization that was used as a basis for such a distinguished republic, clearly demonstrating that unlike what scientific studies have shown, earth ponies truly are the smartest, well-loved, and all-around superior race. EARTH PONIES! EARTH PONIES!

Anyways, while the floundering republic still relied on the balance between ponies to regulate the weather, sun and moon, and agriculture, it was because of the equal representation that each race shared in the government that Equestria enjoyed a period of early stability. This, along with the balanced, collective leadership of Clover, Pansy and Smart Cookie, or as I like to call them, “The Three Caballeros”,[11] truly spurred in this new age of satisfaction and fulfillment. But while the ponies were content with the political situation, class and racial differences among ponies still ran high and served to act as the central failure of the new system. While all ponies were united under the new nation, if you would excuse the upcoming metaphor, it was foolish of the Caballeros to assume that a well-stocked supply of tortilla chips would eliminate the long-lasting racial tensions that shaped pony society for generations.

Regardless, the republic was able to accomplish great things as well during the Equestrian Spring. The joint representation in the government persisted with joint representation in pony parliament, another first for Equestria. The government also managed to ensure the defusing of a racially infused Hot Topic ©BUYMLPT-SHIRTSTODAY!®™[12] regarding a unicorn-earth pony fear over the continued existence of the pegasi military force. It was due to the political manoeuvrings of Private Pansy that the rapid demilitarization of the pegasi territories was ensured, fully demilitarizing as early as 353. Scholars have attributed this to her non-violent attitude and passive nature, allowing Pansy to help quell a majority of fear from the unicorn and earth pony populations.

Lasting from the year 351 to 377, the Spring also marked a beginning of scientific improvements and discoveries, whose potential would be fully realized in the Classical Era. Technological advancements in agriculture, such as the use of other domestic animals for slave labor, and the discovery of the usefulness of rotting feces provided a much needed improvement, bringing economic stability to the newborn nation as well. Also, thanks to the efforts of the legendary legend, the legendarily obscure higher-level unicorn, Starswirl the Bearded, several significant revolutions in the understanding of magic and its effect on the natural world were discovered. Starswirl had mastered and created several high level magic spells, such as the amniomorphic spell, which either had to do with lambs or haired pottery,[13] and revolutionized the theory of time travel, which led to the creation of several time spells. One of his most significant creations was the age spell, which required an extremely high magical power in order to accomplish, but I will cover that in greater detail later.

Chapter 4: Starswirl the Bearded - A Place in History

Let’s dedicate this next chapter to Starswirl, and the ongoing paradox regarding his place in history.

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An issue that was not mentioned beforehand comes into play when discussing Starswirl and his place in time. The national Hearth’s Warming Eve play raises further questions when it comes to the issue of Starswirl the Bearded, stating that he was alive in the Pre-Equestrian Era and that he mentored Clover the Clever. A paradox is created when one considers that he is best known (the word “best” being used loosely, he was rather obscure after all) as a magical scholar who rose to academic and political infamy during this pre-Classical era, over a century later. With both these contradictions in mind, it would be difficult to simultaneously place him in two time periods at once.

Mainstream historians still argue to this day over Starswirl’s exact place in history. It is generally assumed in response to this he lived in both time periods; as a higher level unicorn who knew Princess Celestia and Luna on a personal basis, high feats of magic could have been used to artificially extend his life into the Pre-Classical Era, possibly using the age spells that I had previously mentioned. Of course, this hypothesis holds little evidence, and only the Princesses themselves know the truth, and have yet to fully divulge it. Of course, I’m not the type of scholar to flow with the mainstream. I’m like a salmon, swimming against the current and creating my own solutions before it was cool.

Some of you may postulate that Starswirl may have actually been born in the Pre-Classical Era, and that he can be connected to the Pre-Equestrian Era through time travel. After all, as the sole creator of some of the best-functioning time spells, he could have travelled back in time to teach Clover (probably some quick lecture about windigos, given that the time spell only lasted for a minute), and then returned to his own time. As a magical scholar, he may have had reason to do so in order to help him in his studies regarding the prediction of the future, which he was researching arduously towards the end of the Pre-Classical Era.[14] For as they say,

“But to understand the future, we have to go back in time.”[15]

But this is impossible because according to the “Laws of the Governance of Time”, the principia that Starswirl himself wrote; you must be in the present to travel back to the past. However, Starswirl wasn’t in the present, or he’d be alive today, because we’re in the present! He was in the past, and you can’t travel back to the past when you’re in the past, duh! So this hypothesis is debunked.

Or perhaps it was all a lie propagated by Celestia to create the illusion that Starswirl was alive during the Pre-Equestrian Era, because by stating to personally know Starswirl, it would maintain the façade that both her and her sister were really there before the founding of Equestria. But what self-respecting mare would ever lie about their age to make them seem older? Even if it had to do with maintaining a lie of national importance, such a thing is absolutely ridiculous. Debunked.

The answer is both all of these things and none of these things. Starswirl had a biological son, who was also named Starswirl, and lived until the Pre-Classical Era, and also happened to have a beard. gg.

My evidence is that while his autobiography stated otherwise,

“I am infertile.”[16]
–Starswirl the Bearded

My claim can still hold water. While he was researching his time spell, in the past I might remind you, he could have traveled back into the past (but he was in the past as I reminded you), therefore allowing two of him to exist at the same time. In order to avoid confusion, he adopted the time clone as his son and named him, “Starswirl the Bearded”. Of course, the time clone would age much slower because of de magicks, so this Starswirl the Bearded, (who we shall name Starswirl the Bearded, to avoid further confusion) was able to rise to obscurity in the Pre-Classical Era and live up to the early Classical era a century later. It makes perfect sense. Don’t bother looking for any inconsistencies or contradictions because they don’t exist. Seriously.

Of course, there are some Starswirl enthusiasts who state that Starswirl was really Discord the whole time, which would explain his immortality. Ignoring all of the paradoxical inconsistencies that would be birthed from that claim alone, such an assumption would throw my reasoning behind Discord’s origins out of whack. So for destroying my head-canon, I’m not even going to dignify this claim with a response.

Anyways, we’ll return to Starswirl once he becomes relevant again in later chapters. But I assure you, this detour was totally necessary to the point I was trying to make. Probably.

Chapter 5: The Curtain Falls - The Decline

Eventually, with the passing of the Three ~~Reformers~~ Caballeros, the Equestrian Spring was brought to an end, with the abolishment of the collective leadership structure. Instead, all of the power was placed into the parliament, which could never reach the high standard that the Caballeros set. As such, the political situation deteriorated immensely. According to traditionalist scholars, once the republic lost their most prominent leaders, the entire nation began to be uncertain in where the true leadership in the government lied, intensifying division, and allowing a “revolving door” situation to unfold, in which leaders were replaced as easily as one would change a t-shirt (which, for an earth pony, is actually quite difficult, but that’s not the point these historians are trying to make). “The members of the Equestrian parliament plotted against each other in order to consolidate their own rise to prominence, causing the national body of the government to flounder in its leadership, ignoring many vital issues in favor for their petty grabs for power.”[17] This sparked an increase of detractors to the Republic, who started making many public statements critiquing the new state of affairs.

“The progress made by [the Caballeros] has been reverted, its potential squandered. If ponies in parliament can agree on one thing, it is how they can quicken the fall of the once proud Equestrian nation.”[18]

But of course, as always, the traditionalist scholars were wrong, stupid, and probably smelt of elderberries. Actually, they probably weren’t wrong in a traditional sense, but rather that they exaggerated the corruption of the republic to advance their pro-Celestia monarchy agendas. The state of the republic could not have been as bad as they said it was, as they managed to pass many new and great laws and the parliament continued to be productive. For example, modern critics of the republic cite the government’s inability to agree on the simple creation of a paved road, which took weeks of intense discussion before the idea was scrapped altogether,[19] but these critics tend to forget how quickly the parliament managed to pass Article 48; the abolishment of penalties for homicidal evisceration, which only provoked one hour of debate.[20] Smart scholars: 0; me: 1.

Most pony historians state that the Equinus Republic could no longer agree on anything substantial, and cited this to be their greatest weakness in the eyes of the public, as well as in the eyes of history. However, as I had just proven, they not only could agree on select points, but they were able to unanimously agree on issues of national importance. Not regarding the dwindling rate of food supplies. Not regarding the increase in aggressive monster attacks across the nation. But regarding the banishment of all the critics of the Republic to the “Pit of Monsters”, Tartarus.[21]

While this remains a strong point of contention in which most ponies agree spelt the downfall of the republic, I believe that this issue was far more important than national starvation or an increased rate of monster raids. After all, if these critics were allowed to fester, then that would hurt national pride. And then what would become of the Ancient Equestrian Games? After all, the government had already spent a vast amount of the national budget on such an event, and if the government was unable to make this money back through an increase in spending, they might as well have used it to do something stupid, like pouring the money into agriculture.

In fact, some revisionist historians (or should I say, historians who have the gall to call themselves revisionist historians) state that if it was not for the intervention of Discord, the nation would have collapsed on its own anyways, in a violent country-spanning revolution.[22] But as I have proven multiple times in this chapter, this very idea was stupid. The strength and national might of the Republic could be seen in its underpaid and underfed volunteer army, who would never have allowed such a revolution to even begin to take shape.

Some have even criticized the Republic for allowing the national army to weaken to the extent that it did, which many attribute to allowing Discord to quickly rise to power, but to them I say, did you even read my last sentence? I was clearly stating that the army was still truly a force to be reckoned with, at 237 ponies strong.[23] Clearly, Celestia-biased sources had embellished the facts, going even as far to say that such an army was “too small” and would be “unable to defend Equestria in the face of danger”.[24] Well, I’ll have you know that I couldn’t fit 237 ponies in my studio apartment, and I’d like to remind you that my studio apartment is quite large.

And regarding the national negativity of the Equestrian population, they probably weren’t angered at the Republic’s supposed “inability to get anything done”, but rather in the fact that their families were being eaten alive by rampaging manticores. But what could the Republic honestly do about that? They weren’t responsible for what some manticores do in their free time (probably just letting off some steam from all that other eating alive of ponies).

Also, the so-called “Pit of Monsters” where the political prisoners of the nation were banished to probably wasn’t even that bad either. It was probably just a cute little nickname that tourists give to places they travel to, such as “Canterlot: The City of Snobs”, “Ponyville: The Disaster Town” and “OhmyCelestiaohmyCelestia, you’ll be devoured by hydras here, Froggy Bottom Bog”.

It was the harsh superfluities in history such as this, in which the pro-monarchy scholars were able to condemn the Republic for weaknesses that it never even had, in order to maintain Celestia’s foul agenda.

Chapter 6: The First Draconequus – The Origins of Discord

When discussing the Discordian Era, a mistake that many traditionalist historians make is how they overstate the chaos that Discord himself had wruck upon the ponies. While it is true that he was a god of chaos, as usual, these scholars have a tendency to overexaggerate many of these “elements of Discord”. While many factual accounts have confirmed his power during his second coming in the year 2011, the public understanding of that event is already inherently flawed (as I will explain once I discuss it in a later chapter), and therefore is not admissible as evidence for the actions of Discord in this time period. I will not, however, take the stance of other revisionist historians, who downplay Discord’s importance in bringing an end to the era in favor of the Republic’s weaknesses, as I had stated before. Rather, I will take a middle ground by stating that while Discord was indeed a primary factor in the fall of the Equinus Republic, he caused its downfall in an extremely unorthodox way; far different than one is commonly accepted in history.

Before discussing the actions of Discord, we must go into his origins; a past that is still not commonly understood and debated to this date. Even after rehabilitation by one of the supposed element holders and former sex-symbol, Fluttershy, in 2013, his past was never expanded upon or revealed, and his sudden appearance in history remains a mystery. No pony truly knew where came from except for Discord himself, and like many other significant figures in history, is still left unknown. Until now of course.

Before the creation of this crowning stroke of genius, my masterfully written jewel in the eye of history, pony historians were left grasping at straws to find the truth behind Discord’s origins. Lucky Foot, self-proclaimed historian specializing in the Discord Era, pretentiously wrote,

“Ignoring his raw magical ability, [Discord’s] very appearance did not conform to the laws of the natural world. The very nature of Discord and his power could not be explained through traditional thought alone, and it seemed that not only did his appearance seem to object to the order of nature, but reality itself twisted to his magical beck and call. In this sense, perhaps it would be wrong to try to discern Discord’s origins through logic as well.”[25]

This, of course, did not stop me, nor a significant majority of scholars, from continuing to speculate Discord’s past. Some had theorized that Discord may have been a product of a forbidden relationship between a dragon and a higher level unicorn, creating a result that was so far removed from the natural world that it had descended into chaos. If this was the case, it certainly would explain his raw magical ability; however, no relationship of this sort had ever been recorded or referenced in history. Also, I’d like to add that in my personal experience, future attempts at coaxing dragons into cross-species mating usually procured a poor end result. Therefore, due to a lack of conclusive evidence, such a claim is forced to remain as little more than an assumption.

So how did Discord really come to existence? How was the first and only documented draconequus created? A problem with the dragon-pony hypothesis is that it is does not explain the mismatch of animal appendages that Discord possesses. In light of this, I will present the one and only reasonable possibility.

Ponies have long since debated on the unnatural nature of Discord, stating that such a creature was “out of this world”. My theory takes this idea to the extreme. Perhaps Discord truly was a creature not of this planet. But do not assume that I am stating that Discord himself was an alien; that would be absurd. Rather, the point that I’m trying to make is that he was a product created by illegal aliens. And I’m not talking about those freeloading griffons who I get to clean my apartment every Saturday; I’m referring to real life extraterrestrials. It would explain everything. For example, his remarkable powers that could neither be explained through rhyme or reason can be handwaved off as the work of aliens.

He may have even been an experiment in some alien inter-species gene splicing project, which would explain his unique body structure. But the possibility that I find most likely, was that he was the end result of a horrific alien space orgy. And I mean just all out nastiness. After all, aliens are known for their uncontrollable libidos (at least in my mind). By kidnapping members of other species across our planet, they would be able to test things such as carnal prowess, vitality, girth, as well as answering the age old question of “how much a wood a woodchuck really could chuck”. And the horrific space love child birthed out of whatever mess those creatures call genitals? Discord.

Now that age-old historical dilemma is out of the way, we can get into the real meat of the conspiracy. Yes, it may surprise you, but alien space orgies are not the biggest conspiracy behind the rise of Discord. The real conspiracy reveals itself when discussing how exactly the proud Equinus Republic had fell.

Chapter 7: The Board is Set - The End of the Pre-Classical Era

General consensus is that Discord may have orchestrated the rise in frequency of monster attacks, while playing subtle, yet disorderly pranks on small cities. The important trait to this plan would be in its unpredictability. Local animals acting in weird ways, the optional nature of gravity; these were all practical jokes that Discord played to increase a fearful and unnerving feeling among the population. This feeling of powerlessness would of course need an outlet, and the government was an easy target. Eventually, national order was weakened and Discord himself was able to shatter the tenants of Equestrian society.

Shockingly, this seems to be one of the only points that these idiot scholars had gotten correct, as it ties in with past accounts and governmental records. Nonetheless, this portion of history may only be accurate because there was probably no gain that Celestia could make by fabricating it. It is in this next statement in which I find the flaws in logic.

“His slow, but steady chaos soon reaching the capital of Trottingham, Discord accentuated the problems of the inner government by turning its members apart. Titled by modern scholars as the “Disorder of a Hundred Days”, Discord visited the members of the government secretly as a voice that could be heard only by his target. As such, Discord was able to use his skills in manipulation to turn every member of the government, all one hundred and fifty ponies, against each other. Within a span of little more than 3 months, he had deteriorated the relationship of the already agitated ponies into one of violence and chaos. In the last days of the regime, the structure that the [Three Caballeros] had worked so hard to establish was unrecognizable; the government building that was created to ensure cooperation had gained a reputation that went against everything it had strived to achieve. From that point on, Discord was able to rise to power unchallenged.”[26]

The flaw in this testimony reveals itself with my cross-examination. TAKE THAT!© I had searched multiple records in the Crystal Library for accounts and anecdotal evidence regarding this “Hundred-Day Disorder”, but this name is never referenced once. While brief mentions of a possible manipulation occurred in ancient records, “Thy Discord verily accelerated the seduction of the government into chaos”,[27] the title of the event was never specified. Also, are we expected to believe that Discord could manipulate so many ponies in so little time? Assuming that Discord had a consistent rate of corrupting ponies a day, according to my mathematical deduction skills,

150 ÷ 100 = 1.5 [28]

This means Discord corrupted 1.5 ponies every day. Of course, this is impossible; corrupting 0.5 of a pony is simply impossible, because ponies are whole and one must see them as whole numbers. Mathematically speaking, there is already a flaw in this argument. Unless Discord corrupted multiple ponies a day, which let’s face it, was probably impossible for anypony, even a so-called “master of manipulation”, to do. It is almost inconceivable how this self-proclaimed Discord-specialist and the historical scholars that agreed with him missed such a basic mathematic error. But I suppose this just serves as a testament to their stupidity.

Due to this lack of evidence and incredulous flaws in logic regarding the validity of the Hundred Days, Foot’s claim can be identified as inconclusive, if not rejected outright. Besides, Celestia would definitely have a hand to play when discussing the specifics of the government’s fall, as by changing the details here, would allow her to make Discord seem like more of a threat (to consolidate her power when she and her sister defeated her), and place more emphasis on the weaknesses of her predecessors (as I stated, to provide the carte blanche for the regime to eliminate organizations that were both problematic and a threat to her rule). Therefore, the inaccuracy of Foot’s claim could be possibly attributed to Celestia’s interference.

So how did the government fall?

I assume you all know the legend behind the origins of Hearts and Hooves Day? If I may interject with a personal anecdote, my familiarity with this tale stems from when my mother wasn’t drunk enough to read from the cookbook again, and would instead tell me bedtime stories of fables and legends from long ago. As we all know, the legend goes that the holiday got its start due to a prince mixing up a love potion. Following some hilarious hijinks that would be sure to fill 70 minutes of a B-movie rom-com, the couple caused the downfall of their entire regime. To quote selections from the legend itself,

“Thanks to the love poison, they were lost in each other’s eyes; their royal duties overlooked. It would have been romantic if it wasn’t so date-rapey. Suddenly, a pony-eating dragon unexpectedly descended upon high and roasted them alive with his furious breath of hellfire. Then he burned all of the other ponies alive too. You would assume he might have eaten them after that, but to think that would be racist. Not all pony-eating dragons eat ponies you know. And besides, there’s no point in eating charcoal. The fall of the kingdom soon came shortly after, and was succeeded by a reign of chaos. And that’s how Hearts and Hooves Day came to be.”[29]

What we should take from this fable is not to not trust dragons, or not to make love potions (whose exact recipe is coincidentally printed on the next page), but this tale’s place in the façade we call history. This so-called story actually has no basis in history if one was to look at it objectively. In reality, rulers called Prince Finecheeks and Princess Honeybuns never were real ponies. But if the passage is approached as a metaphor, things become far clearer. That’s right, we’re returning to educated speculation and scholarly analysis again. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

Obviously this legend is not meant to be taken seriously, but rather that it acts as a placeholder for an event purposefully lost to history. I believe that you see where I’m getting at already. Such a tangent in this chapter would be superfluous without a point.

Yes, it’s true; lately I have been attracted to Crazy Larry. The way he rummages through the garbage, with his greasy clumps of mane blowing with the wind; there are no words. Except for the ones I just used to describe him. But that’s beside the point. My real point is that the Hearts and Hooves legend is a metaphor wrapped in symbolism for the end of the Pre-Classical Era.

Draconequuses (draconeqi?) were not well documented during 388, probably because they were not yet recognized by the early scientific community. The lack of such vital information about dragons and draconequusesi¿ would have led to a great deal of confusion, and would explain a possible misinterpretation of Discord’s true being. But perhaps the greatest evidence to the existence of this misunderstanding is my discovery of some late Pre-Classical governmental reports regarding the threat and nature of Discord, which identified him as a dragon.[citation needed] The above passage’s use of the words “descended upon high” is also clear evidence regarding the mystery of his origins, as if he was a being who literally came from the sky. Or perhaps from space. See how it’s all tying together?

The description of the traditional fire breath of the dragon can also be called into question, namely with the use of the word “hellfire”. Was it added in for artistic flair? Or was it added in by Celestia to strengthen this hidden historical metaphor to once again hide the truth in plain sight to those who are smart enough to catch it? In my knowledgeable expert professional opinion, there is a high probability and likelihood favoring the latter. After all, she did do the same thing to the Hearth’s Warming Eve pageant, which means she would have easily done it again for another national holiday just to spite ~~us~~ the ignorant. And if she did it for the Hearts and Hooves day legend, then that means she would have definitely done it for the Hearth’s Warming Eve pageant, for the backstory behind the creation of Equestria was far more important than a glorified National Singles Awareness Day. And with that, we have now reached a new shape of thought, one without a point. So let’s make a 360 degree turn back to my original purpose of this paragraph.

The choice in vocabulary here mirrors Clover’s use of the word “dark” in Chapter 2. But while that was simply a keyword to alert one’s attention to an active literary allusion, the use of the word “hellfire” here represents far deeper symbolism. Obviously, the first part of the word represents despair and suffering, as the pronoun “he” represents the fall of the first stallion as told by the Book of Faust (which will be covered in further detail later, or at least receive a passing mention if I still remember) and how his original sin, bringing fire and spreading knowledge to the world by burning down Faust’s Tree of Knowledge, caused the continent and future country of Equestria to be cursed to house despicable creatures. I am of course certain that the legend refers to the bison, griffons, and cows as the horrid beasts that populate our pure soil. And monsters too I suppose.

The use of the letter “L” in such concurrent succession also implies a greater emphasis be placed on the word. The l’s stand tall, as if they were a beacon of light to us all. Perhaps they symbolize that the only hope for Equestria now is to pursue an anti-immigration policy, to build a wall around Equestria to keep all those filthy bison and other riff-raff away from our cities and towns. But that’s a different project I’ve been pursuing. Finally, the use of the word fire should be obvious. It represents fucking fire. One might overanalyze its usage here and state that the word choice here is a representative symbol for how easily Discord’s wrath spread across the land and how quickly the situation escalated to such a degree. But in that case, the use of the words “herpes” or “gonorrhea” would have worked just as well, and would have kept in line with the whole burning theme it had going on there.

Putting the word back together, the use of this adjective was to draw attention (the double l’s) to the sinful (the “he”) flames (“fire”) of the dragon. Therefore, in just three paragraphs, I have come to the conclusion that the choice of the descriptive word “hellfire” was meant to describe an evil fire.

Leaving that aside for now, the major points connecting the legend to the rise of Discord are the “fall of the kingdom” and the “reigning of chaos”. Ignoring the use of the word “kingdom”, which was most likely to chosen by Celestia to avoid having to fill young fillies’ minds with the idea of democracy; with the fall of the Equinus Republic in 389, the rule of Discord officially began, and chaos did indeed rule supreme. It is at this moment in which such similar occurrences between the story and reality surpass the laws of coincidence, and it is through these significant parallels that one can accept this supposed legend as an authentic retelling of an event lost to the folds of history.

However, this leaves the final question to understanding the metaphor. What did the love potion represent? Could it have been how easily the ponies of the government were deceived by Discord, much like how the Princess was fooled by the Prince? Or even the degradation of true love and respect between the ponies? I would like to present a far more daring possibility. It represented...

A love potion.

You see, realistically, it would not make sense for Discord to corrupt one pony through his tricks alone a day (it would just to be too much work) and it would make even less sense for him to corrupt 1.5. But theoretically, he could corrupt them all at once through the use of a good deal of a highly concentrated love poison. Using his chaotic abilities, he could probably manufacture a large amount of love poison to taint the government’s water supply without a cinch. He wouldn’t even need to seduce the ponies at all; they would just do it to each other. And the ensuing madness that would result of the ponies getting caught up in their lust would surely ensure a quick and bloodless rise to power and the complete destruction of order and authority in the capital. Plus the novelty factor for him was probably enormous. So it seemed that after all, the great mysteries behind the factors that prompted the end of this era fell within the unexplored and unappreciated realm of orgy territory again.

So the government of the Equinus Republic didn’t fall within one hundred days. It probably fell within an hour. Or perhaps a few hours. It really depends on the stamina of those old geezers; the data of which, unfortunately, was never documented. While there is no concrete proof supporting my bold and daring claim, the corresponding nature of the Hearts and Hooves legend with history is evidence enough, and the use of a love poison would make far more sense for Discord than the supposed “Disorder of a Hundred Days”, at least logically and time-wise.

But why would Celestia choose to hide the truth from us? Other than the fact that she’s been doing it for centuries now and probably just gets off to it, there are many factors behind this falsification of history.

It would have been a danger to the general populace.

With this point, I’m not referring to the danger that the truth would hold for the regime, but rather the moral and mental danger. I don’t believe I need to cover why the current government would not want a resurgence of the orgy craze after the events ten years ago, and besides, I believe that it’s the mental scarring that would be far more detrimental to a pony’s wellbeing. After all, what sick, twisted pony would want to have a mental image of 150 wrinkly old ponies doing it with each other? I mean, I would, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make here. And besides, for most normal ponies, bleach isn’t always able to wash away what can’t be unseen.

It would have been a danger to the government.

Now I’ll address the danger that the truth would hold for the regime. But still probably not in the way you’re thinking of. No, the real danger instead lies if one’s mind was to place a mental block on that image and replace those ancient ponies from Parliament with some younger, more attractive looking ponies. If ponies were to make the connection that democracy => sexy orgies, they would totally go for it, or at least pay bits for it. And with that, suddenly the idea of democracy becomes far more appealing (at least to the general populace), and ponies would clamor for an increase in democratic reforms again and demand the fall of the monarchy; the exact situation that Celestia fabricated history in the first place to avoid.

Getting back to my main point, with the government now falling into absolute chaos, the infrastructure, the system, and the structure of Equestria were all crippled. With this, the Pre-Classical Era and the Equinus Republic died here, not with a whimper, but with a bang. Several of them probably. And with its end, the glorious republic had been replaced with a tyrant. The Age of Discord had now begun.

Chapter 8: Overture of Chaos – The Age of Discord

Chapter 8: Overture of Chaos – The Age of Discord

“Well, this is as good as a time as any. It couldn’t be more apropos. The regime that you had once cherished has fallen. I’m not certain if cherished is the right word, but what does it matter, it’s all in the past now. I am here to proclaim the turning of the great wheels of history. Where Equestria had fallen, the great Discord stands upright and proud! I am merely a messenger, and I usher you into a new age of history! Gone is all sense of order or unity, let us have a toast, to welcome in this foul age of chaos!” [30]

After these infamous words, Discord wasted no time in spreading chaos across the land. Those who were not caught up with the news of the sudden coup became forcibly aware when the sky turned green and the clouds rained chocolate milk.[31] Houses became anthills, and sections of the land floated up in the air without thought or care. The pegasi who lived in the clouds were affected as well, as they were taught a harsh lesson on gravity.[32]

The question that remains is what motivated Discord to act in such a manner. Popular (a synonym for foolish) consensus agrees that Discord perhaps did not have evil intent, but rather he did such a thing for the sake of doing it. Lucky Foot concluded,

“What Discord truly desired was a world where order and chaos became both intertwined, yet as separate as oil and water. He was the type of creature who did things not to fulfill a certain agenda, but rather just to see if it could be done. And it was due to the nature of his very being that allowed him to accomplish this with a great amount of success. Despite being blessed with such a chaotic magical ability, Discord’s true strength lied in his personality, and more specifically, his ability to understand other ponies.

Not to understand them in terms of empathy, but to understand them in the way an athletic pony understands a ball. A true athlete would understand the ball completely, from the inside-out. They would know what exactly is needed to sustain it in the air, what actions must be taken to retain its movement, and how to move it in the right direction. However, no pony could ever state that the athlete considers the ball to be an equal. The ball is a tool for the athlete to represent their skill, and with Discord, the same idea exists. To use a more familiar analogy, he truly was a puppet master, bending ponies to his will. He was able to manipulate the ponies, play off of their flaws, and influence them however he pleased. This terrifying, yet unwavering skill of his allowed him to truly present himself as an unstoppable force…”[33]

But, as always, I hold a completely different opinion than those idiots. In fact, I believe that Discord did what he did in an effort to change the nation for the better. Not to say that the Equinus Republic was flawed, and not to say that I appreciate the extent that Discord went to in order to achieve such goals, but nopony could argue (meaning excluding everypony but me) that it was thanks to the intensity of Discord’s reign that he was able to help Equestria and do more good than that she-bitch Celestia could ever hope to accomplish.

For example, there were little recorded deaths or serious injuries as a result of his chaotic pranks, or in general, and the mortality rate of Equestria was marked at an all-time low. Of course, there were no reliable mortality records either, “their words had literally become mud”.[34] However, through careful analysis of various mud samples, I can fully endorse the legitimacy of this claim. Already Discord’s rule was closer to that of a utopia than Celestia’s.

He also stopped the uncontrollable and unapproved monster attacks on the ruined cities, replacing it with state-sanctioned monster attacks instead. This was a much needed improvement, as it alleviated much of the uncertain nature of these attacks with some consistent organization, so long as Discord felt like following a schedule. And the turnout for the Ancient Equestrian Games in Trottingham had never been higher, at least when it came to monster representation.

Under Discord, agricultural problems also were brought to a ceasing halt, probably because agriculture ceased to exist. Discord solved the starvation problem and the pegasi monopoly over weather control at once, by allowing it to rain chocolate milk and snow full-grown watermelons. Not only did such an instance of generosity show such genuine love for his newly suffering population (which, granted, was because of him), but it showed his shrewd wit and resourcefulness; qualities needed in a great leader. Celestia, take notes. Also, he tackled the economic problems of the nation by switching the national currency from bank notes to pure air. Under his regime, Equestria had literally never been richer. Of course, while this most likely led to mild inflation, such a thing would be expected from air.

Ignoring all of these great things that Discord had accomplished (confirmation bias at its finest), scholars take issue with his chaotic pranks and authoritarian rule. However, I believe that Discord only did such a thing to prepare Equestria for the greatest threat and tyrant it had ever known. It would be better for him to give ponies a taste of oppressive government before they really had to experience it. After all, the best way to learn is through experience right?

When it comes to the chaotic but unarguably hilarious pranks, such as the spontaneous combustions,[35] one could claim that he did this to ensure that he would become the most hated creature in existence. Maybe it was because he knew of his disgusting goat heritage (from the alien space orgy) that he was willing to “take the bullet” in history, to alleviate the burden he placed upon the world for housing such impure blood. In that case, Discord wasn’t a crazed, tyrannical extremist, but rather a well-intentioned moderate who only wished to do the right thing. Which is why he graciously continued to rule for a hundred more years.

But unfortunately, such a golden age would not last forever. It was thanks to their arrival that history changed for the worse. Emerging from nothingness not like stars in the shining sky, but rather like a demon unearthed from cursed grounds (or created by wearing a crown in a mirror world, but everypony and their mother would know that).

Celestia. And Luna too I suppose. With their rise to power, Equestria would never be the same.

Chapter 9: Mysteries of the Past – Celestia and Luna

Another issue with the play that was yet to be addressed was the significant absence of Celestia and Luna. It has always been traditionalist history's and the regime’s stance that Celestia and Luna were omnipotent, so the official explanation for their absence was that they "strayed away from the affairs of mortal ponies until the situation would absolutely demand it".[36] This would explain their rise to prominence during the reign of Discord, however, this scholar finds such an explanation to be too convenient.

The two sisters had never revealed their past, whether as gods or mortal ponies, and as such, it must be called into question. We can assume that they were not gods as they so claimed, because that would be fallacious. I won’t get into it now, but rest assured that their godhood will be debunked in a following chapter. Besides, there is only one true god, Lord Smooze. Therefore, they were not and never were omnipotent, and as such, must have been born during the Age of Discord.

So where did Celestia (and Luna) really come from?

~~Probably some slut’s vagina.~~

In actuality, it can be assumed that they were not birthed from royal blood, as the last semblances of the unicorn monarchy were wiped out with the formation of the Equinus Republic. Of course, like most unicorns, Princess Platinum may have just whored herself out for a cheap buck, but in that case, it would not make sense for Celestia and Luna to flaunt their royal blood when it had come from such an illegitimate coupling. In the face of such facts, it can be agreed upon that the “royal” sisters did not start out as princesses to begin with, but rather “earned” the right and title like Princess Cadence and Princess Twilight Sparkle did. It can also be assumed that they were born as higher level unicorns, as this would support my later revelation regarding the truth and reasons behind alicornification (to be covered in a later chapter).

So then what of their childhood?

Perhaps Celestia was just an orphan, as one of the few who lost her parents under Discord’s rule. Perhaps she was just a young filly who was hardened by the burdens of life and the responsibility of rearing her younger sister. She must have been forced to bear the weight of the world, for her own sake, and her sister’s sake as well. Perhaps it was due to this that she grew a determined fire in her eyes, one that rivaled only the sun in power. A twisted vision to change the world she was born into, a world of self-perceived suffering and pain, into a world where she and her sister could finally live in happiness. Or perhaps she just sat on her flank and ate cake off the trees all day. It’s all speculation at this point.

Anyways, whatever it was that drove Celestia and Luna in pursuit of power, they unwaveringly committed to such a crusade, with the sole aim of overthrowing Discord and changing Equestria. Whether it was for the better or worse is up to history to decide.

AKA me. And they really sucked. But I’m not going to cover that now. What will be covered next are the instruments that gave them such power. Whose accidental discovery marked a turning point in Equestrian history. The Elements of Harmony.

Chapter 10: The Elements of Harmony – A Role Spanning History

I shall first prelude this chapter with my description of how I had reached my conclusions regarding the elements. It will be a wild ride, full of mystery, lust, and intrigue, but one must follow my train of thought to comprehend the weight of the discoveries that I had made.

It started like how all great tales start.

So I was sitting at home eating some Doritos© when I had an encounter with fate. Perhaps it was the work of the universe, or maybe Celestia herself in her desire to divulge her delicious secrets in a bag that equaled, if not surpassed, its level of deliciousness. But there I sat stood at the face of truth, gazing into the eyes of secrets long forgotten. Reaching into the bag for what I thought would be an onslaught of delectable nacho goodness, I instead encountered it.

A Celestia-shaped Dorito chip. This experience surpassed coincidence and set me upon a path in which I would venture into the inferno of lies itself. What did it mean?

It must have been a clue. Some celestial being from upon high setting me onto a path of truth. There was no way this was a fluke. It must have been…destiny.

I searched my soul, hoping to find the answers I sought. Then I wracked my brain. Celestia. Doritos. There must have been a connection.

I took a temporary break from my studies at the University of Canterlot, making up an excuse to tell to my idiot professor about a false affliction with syphilis, which he accepted with wary disbelief. Joke’s on him; I did catch syphilis a few months later.

One week became two, two became three, and two plus three makes five.[37] But it was during dinner at a ritzy restaurant joint that I had come upon the connection that the universe had beaconed me to make.

Spaghetti Dodino. A pony who started a brief craze in the 1980’s by creating a new style of matter that had yet to be digested. “Italian food” he had called it. He had told of a story of serving Celestia a grandiose dinner at her palace before he accidentally fell into a mystical mirror and came across such a cuisine. But such absurd apocrypha does not interest me. It was the sole book he had published at the height of this craze, titled “That’s A-Pony – 50 Recipes for Pizza Pies” that intrigued me. I immediately went to the library to investigate further.

Surely there had to be some kind of hint. What did the chip represent? What was the connection between Celestia and Dodino? It was on page 35 in which I came upon it.

“What makes a perfect pizza? Many of my critics have complained of my food’s greasy nature, or overuse of tomatoes in an apple-rich land. But to them I say ‘vafanapoli’! It takes the fine work, sweat, and toil of a chef to captivate and entice the true flavor and essence of this far away land. But in the end, the elements of a good pizza lie within the hoofs of everypony. Be it a young spring filly or a masterful artiste such as myself; you must make the pizza that lies within your heart.”[38]

But in the end, the elements of a good pizza lie within the hoofs of everypony

the elements of a good pizza

the elements

The truth had never been so clear.

The Celestia-Dorito-Dodino connection lies in the words, “good pizza”.

How does this relate to the Elements of Harmony you may ask? Well, if you were to shut your pizza-pie hole for a damn second so I can finish my incessant rambling maybe you’ll find out.

What are the ingredients of a good pizza? What toppings might one find on a good pizza? Tomato sauce, cheese, a crispy crust; these are all things one would expect a good pizza to have. And it is in that in which one can find the message.

What is the supposed symbol for the element of honesty? An apple. What other fruit (or sometimes vegetable, but let’s not get into semantics here) looks like an apple? A tomato. How do tomatoes tie into pizzas? They are literally the life blood of the pie.

Do you need more? How should the cheese be placed on a good pizza? One would not want a dearth of cheese. So, one could say that a pizza would need an excess of cheese. Or perhaps, a generous helping of cheese? The symbols are so clear they’re practically punching you in the face.

I would go on for the other elements but I couldn’t think of any more connections. But the point still stands. Two out of six is 33.3%.[39] And in my book, those are results you simply can’t ignore. Therefore, if the ingredients of the pizza signify their respectful Elements, one can infer that the pizza in its entirety is the product of their combined power.

So what was the point of this entire section? Well, you ungrateful little half-wit, it seems like I have to be forced to spoon-feed you the truth. The Celestia-shaped chip was not a coincidence. No, it was a message. Celestia, or a being even greater than her had attempted to bring the Elements of Harmony to my attention. But why?

So I can uncover the truth. So let’s rock this show.

There must be something regarding the Elements that is of grave importance. A fact ignored by others; a fact that only those who dare to look can see. After further research in the Crystal Libraries, using Dodino’s book as a guideline, I had come to a powerful conclusion. A conclusion that shakes the very basis of which Celestia had built her throne of lies upon.

The magic of the Elements does not come from the power of friendship.

It comes…from dark magic.

How could this be? How could the Elements, which are supposed to represent all that is good in the glorious land of Equestria be powered by such foul witchery? Well, you’re on a roll with this interrupting thing today.

I must now direct your attention to a basic skill that chefs such as Dodino must excel at; baking. The act of baking is still not understood by most scholars (mostly me). Some have said it is as simple as 1-2-3,[40] and some have said it is simply an organized chemical reaction, but the academic world (me again) is still astounded by how an oven can turn cake batter into a cake. It simply defies all reason; it cannot be explained. Do you know what else can’t be explained? DARK MAGIC.

Now, what other types of food are baked? Cakes, cookies…and PIZZAS. What do pizzas stand for? The combined power of the Elements of Harmony. What does this mean? The magical power brought about with the combined strength of the elements is fueled by dark magic. To put it in laypony’s terms, if pizzas are powered by dark magic, then so are the Elements.

This brings us to the question; how did Celestia and Luna discover the Elements of Harmony? Such a question is still a mystery to this day, even to me. Researchers have postulated that they may have been forged in the “literal fires of friendship” of the Hearth’s Warming legend, but I proved eight chapters ago that the play was full of shit. They also hypothesized that they simply may have been immortal instruments brought down by Celestia and Luna, the gods themselves. But in the next few chapters I’ll prove that’s full of shit too. So this will just have to remain unanswered for now.

No matter how they discovered it, the dark power of the Elements would promptly explain how they had defeated Discord. It is here where it must be made clear that Discord did not use dark magic, but a different class of magic all-together. If Starswirl’s theories are to be believed, and if a spectrum of magic does exist, then in accordance to his hypotheses, one side of magic would be full of light and purity, while the opposite end would be filled with hate and darkness. But chaotic magic wouldn’t even be on the same dimension of the spectrum all-together. So, as Discord was not a user of dark magic, he would not be accustomed to its power, and would fall victim to it much more easily. But how could such a powerful being such as himself fall to such ordered darkness?

Well, let me share my theory with you. What does dark magic lead to? The most powerful user of dark magic to reappear in recent times was King Sombra. What did his dark magic result in? The creation of dark crystals, but more importantly, the ability to live on as an immortal shadow.

Now what else casts a shadow? A statue. Immediately, if one was to connect the dots, one could see that it is shockingly clear that Discord succumbed to dark magic when he was subjected to stoned petrification, supporting my dark Elements claim. He was not obliterated by the light, but rather the dark, which is why he was cursed for over a millennia to cast a perpetual shadow. Academia: 0, Loose Change: 6 billion.

Jumping ahead a couple of centuries, now we must ask, how was Celestia able to defeat Luna with the Elements of Harmony? After all, Luna wasn’t stoned like Discord or me on a Tuesday afternoon; she was banished as Nightmare Moon to be sealed within the moon itself. To explain this, let us return to the theories that I had scrawled upon my restaurant napkin.

We had already established that dark magic is strongly connected with shadows. But think now, what casts the biggest shadow onto Equestria? The umbra of the moon. But what causes this humongous shadow to be created? The light of a sun during a solar eclipse, the phenomenon in which the moon attempts to overshadow the sun. Do I even need to make it clearer for you? Do the words, “Equestrian Civil War”, ring a bell? As it would take enormous power to seal a fellow alicorn like herself, Celestia, using the power of the sun and the darkness of the Elements, was able to seal Luna into the caster of the greatest shadow of them all, the moon.

The Elements will be re-explored when it comes to the rise of Twilight Sparkle and her prissy friends, but for now, I think I blew you (away) enough times this chapter. Was it good for you?

Anyways, now that the Elements of Harmony have been completely understood, we can jump back into where we left off. Through such foul power, Celestia and Luna were able to reach Discord himself and utterly defeat him and seal away his chaotic magic. It was through the power of dark magic that they had accomplished such a feat, and it would be through dark magic that they would construct the tenants of their regime and their lies. And with the end of the Age of Discord, the Classical Era began.

Chapter 11: The Divine Will – The Drawing of Plans

It is at this point (ten chapters in) in which I shall reveal the thesis of this essay. Yes, to answer any of you academic critics out there, this essay does have a thesis. Celestia = bad. Now, let us move on.

The defeat of the hundred year oppressor was certainly something that took the general populace by surprise. Discord’s impact on the nation cannot be so simply understated; generations grew up under his rule knowing nothing but chaos. With the defeat of such a tyrant and the return of harmony that followed it, the system of chaos that had once reigned supreme was relegated to a passage in history. However, one could not expect the simple defeat of a tyrant to establish immediate stability across a nation suffering for one hundred years. Even with the defeat of Discord, new questions arose, whose answers had the potential to completely destroy the new-found peace. Who were these unknown ponies who had defeated Discord so easily? What is the true extent of their power? Where did the future of the nation lie? Immediately following the destruction of chaos across the land, it was a fragile time for the nation, even more so than under the rule of Discord. Celestia would have to act quickly to earn their trust, but more importantly, to return stability to the weakened nation. She of course, did this by straight-up lying to everypony, but hey, that’s Celestia for ya.

“Fillies and Gentlecolts of Equestria. With the defeat of Discord, I proclaim the freedom of every pony that lives under the shining sun. I have always made the impossible possible, as you can see with the defeat of Discord here today, and it is with that I announce my and my sister’s right to rule this land as its Princesses. I will shoulder the weight and all of the challenges the world will throw at our once proud nation, for the sake of everypony who looks up to the sky in hope. Many of you must wonder who these two unknown saviors are, and I will be perfectly clear. Who you look upon today are not mere ponies, but gods!” [41]

In an instant, she had created an image for herself and her sister that would forever shape her continued administration and the history of Equestria. This moment is forever recognized in history as the moment when the great deities, Celestia and Luna, decided to lead and guide us mortal ponies in a new era, but imma bout to tear that theory a new one.

The repercussions of such actions were surely huge. The arrival of supposed pony gods? Such an idea would surely be absurd in modern times (if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re still among us to this day), but it is important to recognize the context of this event. Two extremely powerful ponies had just abruptly ended the seemingly eternal century of chaos. With this sudden defeat of such a benevolent ruler (at least in this revisionist’s eyes) who had ruled with a terrifying(ly compassionate) fist, these two ponies truly did seem all powerful. This coupled with the shock of the incident itself, it would not be difficult to believe that these two higher level unicorns would quickly be accepted into the fold of deitism.

So, while they certainly were not deities, (a theory that I might add, whose very mention in public would get me flogged relentlessly with a flayed piece of Styrofoam) they needed a way to present themselves as such. The final transformation to complete their disguise. After all, despite their claims of acting as deities, they both must have known that this alone could not keep the new system stable; it would only be a matter of time before the recovering pony population would question their reins, and overthrow them.

And that’s when they came across Starswirl. No, not him, the other one. Yeah, that’s the one. Starswirl the Bearded.

They had briefly met with Starswirl, who may have possibly been aware of their plight, and offered them a solution. Why they chose to trust him, I have no idea. Maybe it was the beard. Anyways, with this knowledge provided by Starswirl in hand, Celestia and Luna now had to formulate a plan to remake Equestria. Unfortunately, like most Applewood remakes, it fell shortly flat. Zero Stars says this reviewer. Equestria is an even poorer rehash of what it used to be. Too much exposition, not enough special effects. F-.

Mixed metaphors aside, in order to succeed, the two deceivers needed to time to create this plan. Like the Equestrian Spring (except for the fact that the Equestrian Spring is accepted as fact by most scholars), I propose that there was a transitory period preceding the Classical Era as well, in which Celestia and Luna were able to complete their façades. I call it, the PRE-Classical Era. Not to be confused with the Pre-Classical Era (which, by-the-by, I now suggest should be renamed the Pre-PRE-Classical Era in light of this), the PRE-Classical Era was a short period, a few hours max, in which Celestia and Luna conceived their plans for the formation and perpetuation of their infernal reigns.

Chapter 12: The Folds of Deitism – Interlude to the Equestrian Rebirth

The discovery that Starswirl had shared with the princesses possessed the potential to alter the course of history forever. Starswirl discovered a method strongly intertwined with natural magic in which higher level unicorns could “ascend” and become a pony the likes of which were never seen before, effectively creating the first alicorns. While ascension to this “new realm” would definitely change the physical appearance, any boosts in magical power can be said to only have been minor but significant. The theory of ascension was more for appearance’s sake; by creating such a seemingly powerful and noble identity for themselves, it would truly seem that they would be superior to all others, and therefore more deserving to rule. Henceforth, Starswirl’s discovery here would essentially lay the groundwork for their façade of godhood. In the short hours of the PRE-Classical Era, Starswirl’s idea here must have certainly been a topic of discussion, with the final result being their unanimous agreement to utilize such a foul and underhanded method of ascension to complete their lie.

Of course, another topic of discussion must have come up when referring to this plan’s greatest flaws. While this plan would certainly bear fruit, it needed to rely on a system in which magical power defined superiority in the social hierarchy of ponies. If a society that praised magic strongly is created, it would only serve to reason that the most magical ponies would be most fit to rule. Therefore, the existence of divisions in class and race would have to exist for this to succeed, with the establishment of a unicorn upper class.

It was most likely thanks to the published works of infamous social theorist at the time, Pure Blood, in which Celestia was able to come up with such an idea. But of course, Pure Blood, like all unicorns, was an irredeemable racist, as seen in his pro-unicorn works such as, “Pegasi, Unicorns, Earth Ponies: Achieving Equality Among the Races”. Why did he put unicorns before earth ponies in the title? Typical unicorn scum. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s racism. But what I really hate the most are hypocrites. Anyways, it was probably due to his pro-unicorn bias in his works that Celestia was prompted to create such a warped social structure.

This ties in directly with the re-establishment of the nation’s new capital in Canterlot. Some scholars state that the act of moving the nation’s capital was only done to separate her regime from the “flaws” of the former government, and in order to consolidate the feeling of a new change in the nation. While I applaud these historians for their creativity, in the immortal words of the great philanthropist, Lex Hoofer, “WRONGG!”[42]

If one was to look at the patterns of history, it becomes extremely clear why the princesses chose Canterlot as their new capital. As the former capital of Unicornia, with its large unicorn population, it would give the system emphasizing magical power a greater boon to its supposed necessity. Of course, some definite personal bias obviously had a large part to play in Celestia’s decision as well; she could have easily chosen a system which favored earth ponies in order to make the system how it should have been. But she and her sister once again agreed to stick to such a discriminatory method.

Another topic that must have come in their discussion was the matter of sustaining themselves. And it is in this that the topic of artificial immortality presents itself, as seen in an excerpt from Starswirl’s diary.

“Age spells have been mastered only by the highest level unicorn, and in my experience, they are still very difficult to accomplish. It would require great knowledge, combining one of my greatest achievements, known colloquially as the ‘passivity’ spell, and the use of an age spell, to create a new magic all-together, a spell known as an ‘Age-Loop’. Through the use of this new class of magic, the activation of such a spell would become automatic…artificial sustainment of life could be achieved. However, I knew that such a discovery was not only limited to immortality…”[43]

While most say there is no concrete evidence that Celestia and Luna used such an “Age-Loop” to survive that long, I say stick an egg in your shoe and beat it (as in leave my sight, not beat the egg). Your evidence is right in front of you. You literally just read it. It is simply too coincidental that Starswirl’s discovery of a way to extend life indefinitely was mentioned in his studies regarding age spells. With that in mind, one can easily arrive to the conclusion that such an idea would cross the minds of the princesses as well.

With the use of such a method for achieving immortality, it seemed that the deification of the two rulers was complete. However, Celestia must have realized that in order for the regime to truly be unbreakable, all doubt over the monarchs’ power must be completely eradicated. It was during the meeting when a final step to complete their godhood was realized; raising the sun and the moon.

Under Discord, who raised the sun and the moon infrequently, taking only a couple of seconds to switch between the two (a true testament to his power by the way, which showed his magical prowess before he was unfairly beaten through the use of dark magic), many generations of ponies had never experienced the true phenomenon of the rising of the sun and the moon each day and night. The abilities of the higher level unicorns to do so was left unused under the power of Discord, and without the practice or education of the next generation of unicorns, eventually, the unicorns forgotten that they even had the ability at all. That is where Celestia and Luna stepped in. If they were able to demonstrate their complete control over the celestial bodies, they would surely amaze and impress the entire population of Equestria, strengthening their illusion of godhood.

It is here where the discussion of their cutie marks must be addressed. While general consensus among historians is that both Celestia and Luna’s cutie marks represent their power in raising the sun and the moon respectfully, a far more daring (and might I add intelligent) proposal can be made to break free from this paradigm; that Celestia and Luna’s cutie marks represent something else entirely.

After all, while the images of the sun and the moon seem to solely indicate their special talent, they may be more metaphorical in nature than commonly perceived. The sun could indicate strong leadership, a warm and loving nature, and Celestia’s “talent” as a natural born ruler. Also, the power of the sun can lead to skin cancer, just like the cancer she spreads across Equestrian society with her lies.

Luna’s cutie mark would be harder to explain, however, it could be theorized that as the moon follows the sun, her role is to follow her sister, and provide light and guidance to those lost in darkness or in their dreams. Or in a nutshell, sit on a throne and do nothing while stalking ponies in their nightmares44.

The point I was trying to make here is that the true meaning of their cutie marks could have easily been replaced in history with one far more regal. After all, nopony would dare to question them, and thus, due to this common misinterpretation of their cutie marks, their self-proclaimed rights to the sun and the moon would be strengthened even further.

On the eve of the next day, Celestia and Luna emerged from their quarters as full-fledged alicorns, the likes of which had never been seen before. With their substantial in boost in magical power, Celestia made sure that all of Equestria was able to witness the first true sunrise and sunset in over a century, with Luna manning the rise and fall of the moon. The new appearance of their leaders, as well as their total control over the celestial bodies, a feat forgotten to all ponies, entranced all of Equestria in its beauty. As they had predicted, little doubt remained over their identities as true gods, and they were fully welcomed as divine rulers by all the feeble minded idiots. With their full sovereignty now ensured, Celestia and Luna ended the short lived PRE-Classical Era, and were able to set forth in attempting to recreate a stronger Equestria (and failing tremendously) in an age titled, the “Classical Era”.

“Now Loose Change,” you might ask, “where’s the rest of the evidence for all of this? Surely if records of these plans existed, then the regime would have fallen already!” Well, to be honest, most of this chapter was all just speculation. But it was educated speculation. And it fit so well with their hidden agendas anyways, so it must’ve been true! Besides, it’s not like these events never happened, it’s just that at this point Celestia had gotten better at hiding things.

No. You know what? I’m NOT gonna apologize. At this point we don’t need stupid things like references or facts. You have the greatest source alive writing this goddamn essay. And baby, I’m all you’re gonna need here on through.

……………………………………………………………………………………

“The Classical Era dictated a new age, a rebirth, in the arts, sciences, and magic. Some scholars claim that the Classical Era was little more than a continuation of the age of discoveries which was crudely interrupted by Discord. Nonetheless, the discoveries made in the Classical Era took knowledge to new heights, and pony culture as a whole excelled.”[45]

Turns out my professor said that he wouldn’t accept my essay if I stopped adding reputable citations. So here’s a citation for ya, prof.[46]

Chapter 13: The Celestial Concert - The Three Point Plan

The Classical Era is commonly defined as the Golden Age of Equestrian history; the period when Equestria had achieved its greatest successes and growth. Of course, if I was forced to describe the Era using an atomic element, I would call it the Polonium Age instead. This supposed great age in Equestrian history only served to allow Celestia to fester her reign, and begin an eventual but definite degradation of the strengths of its former system, leaving Equestria to die a slow and painful death by radiation poisoning. Even in general terms, it could not be seen as a Golden Age in any sense of the word, as the Golden Age in the neighboring Griffon Kingdom two centuries later (which I had renamed from its former title, the Second Bloody Age) was able to kill way more of its own citizens than Celestia did.

With the establishment of leadership in Canterlot, Celestia wasted no time in planting the seeds needed for her reign. She quickly abolished all opposition parties and previous forms of government, placing her and her sister solely in charge.

Celestia quickly started to take control of knowledge and thought, the most powerful weapons against a newly constructed authoritarian reign. She banned the idea of republicanism, to prevent a possible resurgence of the idea, as well as the name of Discord. Her excuse for that was “to allow the public to forget the suffering of his reign as soon as possible”,[47] an excuse accepted by even the most acclaimed of historians. While sources say that Celestia did not forcefully enforce these rules, and that the citizens actually “willfully obeyed the words of their supposed god without question”,[48] such an explanation seems difficult to comprehend, and has the words “Celestia interference” all over it, like a pony who went overboard with the tattoo brander. If anything, she definitely had to have a secret police that she used to silence others, who would become the basis for her future military. Most likely known as the CWMFS (Celestia WaterMelon Friendship Surprise, or something like that), their existence was kept from history and only those in the upper echelon of Celestia’s government knew of it. But don’t ask how I got this confidential information. This kind of thing is on a “need-to-know” basis.[49]

Thanks to the actions of Celestia, through this system of knowledge-control, Discord was eventually forgotten with the passage of time and became a mythical legend, his name becoming littler more than a noun holding a negative connotation. Celestia even had the gall to place his statue in the Canterlot gardens (once ensuring nopony remembered who he was centuries later).

Celestia was most likely motivated to do this in order to allow all ponies to forget of his existence and the superiority of his rule. After all, the best way to destroy something is to make it forgotten by everypony, right? For as they say, “he who controls knowledge, controls the land of pastel-colored equines.”[50]

Of course, with Discord’s resurgence in late 2011, records and documents involving his rise to power were privately released to a select few universities and libraries, and academic interest in Discord (and by extension, the Equinus Republic) grew as a result.

Anyways, getting back to some of the other crap of the Classical Era, Celestia quickly began a process of rebirth and regrowth in Equestria to ensure the stability of her rule. Dubbed in history as “The Three Point Plan”, it supposedly restored Equestria to Pre-Discord levels of strength and eventually exceeded those past numbers in little more than two years. The Three Point Plan is accepted in history due to its meticulous keeping of records, the multitudes of sources that discuss and praise its success, and the fact that two of the ponies who saw to the plan’s triumph still live among us to this day. So you might think there’s no way to argue with this. Well, stupid things like “sources” and “evidence” haven’t stopped me before. So let’s dig through the bullshit and get to the real nuggets of the truth (any relation in these analogies is unintended).

“Beginning in 512, the Three Point Plan was a huge undertaking, in which every full grown, well-bodied citizen of Equestria was required to undergo hard labor to restore their towns and cities to their original glory. The nation reverted to a national emergency program in which twelve state-created zones would collect food and supplies from the population, and distribute the resources fairly to all ponies within their respective areas. Food and supplies would be provided by the hard work of Earth Ponies, who would also be responsible for rebuilding a majority of the buildings in their towns. Pegasi were also required to contribute to the rebuilding of cities and towns, as well as rebuilding their famed Cloud Cities. While lacking a true education system, some of the more logical unicorns were responsible for the general architecture, drawing up blueprints and plans for some of the more complex buildings, while the rest would assist in the general rebuilding effort through the use of their magic.”[51]

Well, well, well. It seems like earth ponies get the short end of the stick again, while the unicorns sit on their (if you can excuse the expression) high horse, and do jack-diddly squat. I promised myself that this essay wouldn’t have any unnecessary personal/racial biases in it, and I’m proud to say that I succeeded. Because all of the points I’ve made throughout this essay were not only necessary, they were neCESSary. Anyways, the main point of contention I have with this (other than that unicorn thing) is that the ponies would have no motivation to work. Ignoring all that stuff about repairing their broken lives and rebuilding their crippled nation (which are all pretty stupid reasons to work), what would they serve to gain from such free manual labor? Other than all of the stuff that I just mentioned. And the free food and supplies and stuff.

Secondary sources state that “the ponies felt an increase in national pride thanks to the power of their new rulers, and in order to please them, as well as their self-perceived need to restore national prestige under their new rulers, productivity in reconstruction increased tenfold. The morale of the workers increased even further in areas in which Celestia and Luna themselves made public visits and gave hopeful and impressive speeches. In the accounts of Mayor of Manehattan, Bloomberry,

‘It was almost as if [Celestia] was orchestrating a great concert; in which everypony stopped to listen. Her gentle, yet authoritative tone re-assured and entranced us all. There was no doubt in my mind that she was anything less than a goddess. And it gave us such hope. Such tremendous hope.’”[52]

Ugh. If your bullshit sense isn’t tingling by now, I strongly suggest you see a doctor and get a transplant to replace the pathetic lump of grey matter that you call a brain. And if you don’t have health insurance like me, just steal some of your homeless friend’s smart pills. They have a little smiley face and everything so you know it must be good stuff. And they put me into a pleasant little haze afterwards where I do things I don't remember, but always regret.

Drug induced comas aside, let’s analyze this the right way. My way. My theory is that under Celestia, the nation didn’t improve jack-squat. If anything, with Celestia’s introduction of a new currency, bitcoins, the nation collectively became poorer (at least in comparison to the former currency). And all that reconstruction and restoration of the infrastructure? Absolutely unnecessary. Under Discord, ponies were just fine living in anthills and mudholes53 for a century, and Celestia’s work here can be seen as an auxiliary action that her administration augustly accomplished as an accessory attachment.[54] Yes, it was just a ploy by Celestia to make it seem that under her rule, ponies as a whole lived better. I mean sure, the life expectancy increased dramatically as a result of this,[55] but is that really a good thing? That just means more stupid unicorns and pegasi to deal with.

Other biased sources stated that thanks to the Three Point Plan, “Equestria’s recovery and rapid regrowth ensured its return back into a force to be reckoned with”,[56] with many drawing attention to the successes of new public works projects, such as an improved roads system, and the fact that they even had roads[57] at all. But most significantly, these biased sources have stated that under Celestia, during the rebirth, agriculture levels grew to an infinitely greater number than the levels under Discord. But this is impossible; nothing can be infinite. Except for Celestia’s plot, HEY-OHH! ~~Joking~~ Truth aside, even for hyperbole, for so many sources to simultaneously cite this as fact is a clear indication of Celestia’s alterations of history. Again, it seems like what these historians have in reputation, they lack in brains.

…A few of my trusted academic scholar colleagues[58] have politely reminded me just now that if agriculture under Discord was at a rate of zero, than it is indeed possible for any number to be infinitely greater than Discord Era levels. But I haven’t gotten to that chapter in my math book yet, so I’ll just ignore that. I’m probably still right anyways.

Chapter 14: The Establishment of the Dream – Pillars of Compliance

Let’s return to the concept of the corrupt social structure that Celestia set in place. In any other reasonable society, one’s population would never allow such a system favouring social dominance to become the norm. But one has to remember that the society in the beginning of the Classical Era was anything but reasonable; it was indeed quite weak. This wasn’t because of Discord and his policies that still had an influence on early Classical-Era society of course, no, it was because of Celestia’s forced indoctrinations.

As I have stated before, Celestia immediately had to create a cult of personality revolving around her to ensure the longevity of her regime and the ponies’ loyalty towards her. An example of this can be seen in her actions against the Church of Faust, an ancient religion predating to the Pre-Equestrian Era, in which die-hard religious ponies, or Faustiebers,[59] believed that the second coming of Faust (as foretold in the now-lost “Show Bible”) was the only thing that could save ~~the show~~ pony society from eternal damnation. While the powers of the church seemed to waver during the Discordian Age, its influence was completely eliminated under Celestia. Religion would compete against the idolization she desired, and as such, the Church along with a few but slightly significant Faustiebers, were forcefully re-educated.

With the elimination of the remnant powers of the Church of Faust, it seemed like Celestia’s cult of godhood was complete. With continued subtleties such as this, and, following the rebuilding of Equestria, a national public education program, one can easily see how Celestia implanted the idea of unicorn superiority into the minds of the population. As I had previously stated, while this unfair class system was implemented for Celestia’s agenda only, it had an unexpected positive side effect (for the unicorns only of course). Increased significance placed on the glory of the unicorns caused their culture to benefit exponentially, and allowed for the establishment of a bourgeoisie, an upper tier of rich unicorns, which formed as quickly as two years after Equestrian reconstruction efforts.[60]

This upper unicorn class caused the unicorn focused capital to grow more grandiose, eventually creating an image of a high-class city, with taller and grander buildings by the year. Interestingly enough, while a castle was created for their false gods to live in, at the time, it was more of a formality than anything. The royal sisters would use it as a second home of sorts, choosing to conduct most of their business in the ancient castle of what used to be the royal castle of the unicorn tribe. While one would think that their lack of actual presence in Canterlot would be a detriment to their pro-unicorn agendas, the fact they were living in a castle that historically belonged to the unicorn tribes only served to further the idea that unicorns held superior blood, and that they were their gods’ purest descendants. Typical unicorn stupidity aside, I simply attribute their choice of continuing to live in the ancient castle (which of course, was renovated from its previous decaying state) as a result of their childhood nostalgia; they probably lived in the remains of the castle as youngsters, and therefore had a greater preference for the place.

Getting back to the unicorn class thing, the unicorn aristocracy also caused an influx of financial spending, as they tended to enjoy purchasing unnecessarily expensive things, such as diamond encrusted toilets, an idea that was certainly helped by Canterlot’s rich mineral stores in its crystal mines (along with the fact that unicorns ate more fiber than a parasprite in a Fiber One factory). This increase in spending by the rich, as well as the established public education system, caused a long-lasting boost in Equestria’s economy, as well as an upsurge of new thinkers and ideas in the country. Through this, one can certainly see why some would consider this to be Equestria’s Golden Age,[61] but I hold true to the fact that the facetious nature of Celestia’s “improvements” would contribute to the country’s eventual radiation poisoning (yes, I’m sticking with that metaphor).

For example, the establishment of a unicorn aristocracy, as I had stated, caused racial differences to intensify to a great extent. The most up in arms (or legs? hooves?) over this, the pegasi, were proving to be a potential problem to the regime.[62] You might expect the Earth Ponies to be a vocal majority in this as well, but most of them were mostly just admiring the fact they had working outhouses.[63] Keep on shining like the superior pony race you are, guys.

Anyways, in an attempt to quell their anger, Celestia established a military structure from the basis of her secret police (the Celestia…Watermelon thing. I forgot what it’s called. ~~Honestly, I’m just making this up as I go along~~) completely dependent on pegasi in an attempt to give them more rights and power, as well as to make them feel like they had a say in things. Surprisingly, the pegasi were somehow satisfied by this false impression of power, and filled the ranks of the Equestrian military with pride like the idiots they were. The earth ponies, of course, were much more intelligent, and didn’t fall for any of Celestia’s ploys (probably because they didn’t need to, they were still admiring the whole outhouse thing).

While it might have been foolhardy to assume that giving the pegasi a monopoly over the military would not have any repercussions in the long run, Celestia had so much of the public’s support for her reign that it did not prove to be a problem for a long time to come. And if that’s not evidence supporting the fact that indoctrinations existed, I don’t know what is.

Celestia exploited the idiocy of the pegasi by “graciously” providing them a “unique and specialized role of weather and cloud management”.[64] By giving the pegasi such meaningless titles such as this and forcing them to do government work for free, “to support their new goddesses”,[65] Celestia had given the pegasi a false sense of belonging, identity, and most importantly, superiority; effectively eliminating their desire to revolt against the pro-unicorn system. To put it into plainer words, Celestia had pretty much twisted the pegasi around her finger.[66]

With her temporary solution in quelling racial unrest, it seemed like Celestia had the world on a string. She even managed to deal with another of Equestria’s long-lasting problems, the frequent monster attacks. In fact, interestingly enough, as soon as Celestia rose to power, the monsters became less and less of a threat. This was especially prevalent in areas that she (and her sister) had recently visited.[67] Experts in pony-monster relations state that this was most likely due to their fear of Celestia’s power; after all, she was the one who defeated Discord, a creature (to them), that possessed more power than they could ever hope to muster. So perhaps Celestia’s “rule by fear” was what caused monster aggression to subside.

…Or maybe they just started dropping dead from monster STIs. I know I dedicated entire freakin’ chapters to discussing the strength of Celestia’s godly image, and how out of nowhere and “asspullish”[68] this theory may seem, but I have the best kind of evidence to prove this wild claim.

No evidence whatsoever.

What I’m trying to say here is that while there’s no evidence to prove this theory, there’s no evidence to disprove this theory either. So therefore it must be possible, right? And don’t none of you report me to the Fallacy Police. I know they’re watching me. Whenever I take those smart pills I can sense their presence. Their cruel, unblinking eyes, watching and penetrating areas of me I didn’t even know existed. Just waiting for me to slip up in logic. But luckily for me, I haven’t had any such fallacies or leaps in logic so far. It’s all thanks to my superior intellect.

But I’m on to you.

I’M ON TO YOU.

You know, I’ve had enough of this long, paragraph-spanning blowjob to Celestia and her supposed “successes”. I mean, sure, I can talk about how Equestria made several technological, social, and economic advances under her rule, and sure, I can talk about how she managed to solve the dragon problem (providing the dragons jewels from the crystal caverns underneath Canterlot in exchange for their eggs in her secret program, Jewels4Babies©), but nopony cares about that kind of thing. I find it wayyy more fun to talk about her failures. And besides, that’s what you came here to read, right? Unless you’re my prof, and in that case, [70].

So let’s jump 200 years later to the event that marked the beginning of the end for the Classical Era (thank Smooze) and another one of Equestria’s turning points; the Crystal War.

Chapter 15: Descent Into Madness – A King and His Empire

Before we can get into the Crystal War, we (we being an intellectual use of the superior “I”) must first discuss one of the “major players” in the conflict, King Sombra, née Somber.

First off, who is King Sombra? Let’s provide a brief rundown of his life, which was not at all stolen without citation from Ponipedia. King Sombra; (918-2012?) was the last along the line of unicorn monarchs in the Crystal Empire. Known colloquially as the “Shadow King”, “Son of Darkness” and, more uncommonly, “Genocidal Dick”, he was responsible for the numerous advancements in the understanding of dark magic, and most significantly, for the attempted mass genocide and enslavement of his nation, and his role as the instigator of the Crystal War of 951-952.

Of course, this regurgitation of facts (from my brain, not from anywhere else mind you), would prove to be quite contradictory to what is known in past history. The ideas of separate monarchs and a random subset of a territory on the continent-nation of Equestria literally forgotten by all is quite difficult to appropriately place in the timeline. In fact, the Crystal Empire’s exact history proves to be quite difficult in the context of traditional Equestrian history. This is not helped by the fact that most of the academia in Canterlot have no mention of this forgotten empire and the year-spanning conflict that resulted from its existence, at least before its reappearance in late 2012, and as such, it was literally an empire and a war, “wiped” from history. And I think we all know who was behind that. But I’m sorry Celestia, but you’ll soon find that under the observant eye of Loose Change, that Mr. Clean’s Magic Eraser© isn’t able to remove all stains from hard to reach areas. Even if those hard to reach areas are within the realms of lost history.

For it is in this section that my Crystal Library sources really get to shine. That’s right, it’s time to feature the sources I’ve been hyping up since the Abstract. And it’ll be for an entire two chapters. Booyah.

First, let us dive into the civil history of the Crystal Empire. It seems like when it comes to the Crystal Empire, one must dive into semantics. As the Crystal Empire is indeed a part of Equestria, the continent, it was not always a part of Equestria, the nation. During the unification of the three pony nations (as mentioned in Chapter 3), it seems as though the Crystal Empire was not included in this event. This was most likely due to the fact that no pony had ever truly ventured into the arctic north, or at least any pony who lived to tell the tale.

The Empire, in essence, was an empire. Perhaps that’s why it had the word “empire” in its name. From what pre-Crystal Empire history states (whose time period in respect to Pre-Equestrian history is still debated to this day), the Crystal Empire was established by assimilation. The crystal ponies previously lived in small city states and were relatively independent and separate from each other (showing that despite being from the same race, segregation still existed). But, with the rise of a dominant state, all of the city states were eventually assimilated into one glorious empire through conquest.[71] Interestingly enough, the exact details regarding the annexations of the states of the past, as well as the identity of the superior city state is unknown to us historians, and no valid records were found in the Crystal Library. But what is intriguing about the ancient Crystal Empire were the methods they chose to conduct their domestic and foreign policies.

When it came to the political and social policies of the Empire, it seemed, in fact, that the crystal ponies insisted to live in forced isolation from the rest of Equestria,[72] which I am sure was probably quite splendid. The crystal ponies, a genetic offset from Earth Ponies, were actually jam-packed to the brim with their own culture, cutting edge surround sound, and blast processing.[73] In essence, it was just a large city state, aware of Equestria’s existence, but usually straying away from its conflicts and politics. It was due to this long-lasting isolationist policy that they were able to avoid the pratfalls of Celestia, but on the other hand, they also missed out on some brilliant foreshadowing of her evil by Discord, so every rose has its thorns I guess.

When it comes to discussing the leadership of the nation, the Crystal monarchy itself held many secrets. It seemed that in a crystal pony majority city state, a unicorn monarchy (who, according to records, weren't even made out of crystal) still managed to instill themselves as tyrants. Those goddamn unicorns seep their grubby little hooves into everything good in the world, don’t they? Anyways, the monarchy held adequate success over ruling their subjects (as adequate as a unicorn leader could be I suppose, which by-the-by, isn’t a lot), until the crowning of Sombra as king.

Sombra himself, was certainly an interesting figure in history. Living with the support of a loving family, his role as future king, and crystal pony servants to serve his every beck and whim,[74] it's hard to see how he could turn evil. In fact, it is my opinion that he wasn’t really that evil after all. You know, overlooking the attempted slavery, genocide, and dark magic thing. I mean, in comparison to Celestia, who had the audacity to lie about her identity to strengthen a nation on the verge of collapse, it doesn’t take a genius to sort out the true evil here.

Interestingly enough, Sombra seemed to be quite educated as a growing young unicorn, mastering basic magic by the age of 5, and advanced magic by the age of 11.[75] He certainly possessed a curious mind, which was rivaled only by his passion for learning, as he filled his mind with facts and knowledge.[76]

In fact, Sombra was apparently a prolific author, writing tomes upon tomes of academia in his prime. While he must have been quite the gifted scholar, one could observe his gradual descent into insanity through the titles of his books. With such apt titles as “The Art of Horticulture: The Beauty of the Magnoliophyta”, “Applications and Explorations in Integral Calculus”, and “My Struggle: Attempting Genocide 101”, we can see how the darkness in his mind spread to his academic work as well. I mean, who would write a five hundred page book on Calculus for the fun of it? And a multivolume work on freakin’ horticulture? You’re a goddamn monster!

And it was not as though he was not endowed politically and orally (for clarification sake, not in the context you’re probably thinking of). He was a brilliant speech maker, a strong leader, and a skilled policy maker. As one of the vehement supporters of isolationism during a period when the other Crystal officials considered officially “spreading their legs”, and formally opening relations with the rest of Equestria, he was one of the most vocal in his opinion. One of the few remaining records of the king survives in the form of collected excerpts of one of his royal meetings,

“I maintain my position regarding foreign affairs in our fair empire. A relationship with the rest of Equestria would pave a path of which I am certain would lead to catastrophe.”[77]

What a meticulously worded pony. With his anachronistic way of speaking, he surely must have been quite the pretentious equine (but honestly, what unicorn isn't)? What kind of pony would insist on the inclusion of such ostentatious and superfluous vocabulary to make themselves seem smarter? I don't mean to be querulous, but such spurious behavior simply substantiates his lack of intelligence. But again, unicorn.

We’re getting off track here. Despite all of his “good qualities” (note that the words, good qualities, are italicized and quotated), at some point in his life, Sombra drove himself insane (I’m feeling it was probably with the publishing of that Calculus book). Even to this day, nopony knows what could have driven the Crystal King to madness. Nonetheless, many crystal scholars, before their eventual persecution, had speculated the subject a thousand years ago. Perhaps it was the general public’s constant inane talk of flugelhorns and jousting (which was part of a whole Medieval Equestria fad that somehow enveloped the city),[78] or perhaps it was their obsession with crystal-themed baked goods and Sombra being forced to hold a fair every year to keep the ponies from crying. Maybe it was even the fact that he was literally surrounded by crystals every day and that the ponies would continue to place the word crystal into every line of conversation like a cheap and unsubtle commercial. In my professional opinion, it was probably the baked goods. Whatever it was, it drove the king mad, causing him to mutter the word “crystals” every other second, and most significantly, drove him into an obsession with dark magic.

With that, he started to delve deeper into what little information on dark magic he could find. Given that he was the only unicorn in a city made primarily of earth ponies, it was pretty difficult to do. But thanks to his scholarly mind, he was able to initiate some of the most advanced research regarding dark magic known to ponykind (only rivaled of course, by the Elements of Harmony, and Celestia (and Luna), whose use of dark magic were not yet known). He gradually progressed in his experiments with dark magic, starting from the basics with some simple fear spells, before eventually reaching the advanced level of an endless stairs spell.[79] The only mistake he made (you know, other than the whole “going insane” thing) was making such information public (as a true scholar would), starting a chain reaction whose consequences shall be discussed in the next chapter. But as a fellow scholar who insists on spreading knowledge to the masses no matter how dangerous it may be to themselves, I salute you.

According to the official biography of his life as transcribed by his chief advisor, Crystal Pony #43, before her deposition, his first act as the newly named “Mad King” was to immediately enslave the asinine crystal ponies, to ensure their “shutting of ups”.[80] By hiding the Crystal Heart, an artifact passed down from generations which protected the Crystal Empire from all evil “for the longest time”,[81] he was able to ensure that the crystal ponies could never rise against him and destroy his dark powers. With the completion of those preliminary steps, he then of course, attempted to advance to the next step; the systematic slaughter of the indigenous crystal pony population to fuel his complicated future experiments in blood runes, following the plans described in his book that foreshadowed his evil, “The Art of Horticulture”.

Despite all of this, I can’t fault him for everything he’s done, because unlike Celestia, even under his twisted rule, some good things were able to come from his reign. For example, there was a definite increase in the production of public works projects (thanks to all of the slave labor).[82] And he gave the benign crystal ponies something fun to do; walking around in circles looking sad and pathetic while dragging around their heavy chains.[83] Now who wouldn’t enjoy that? It probably was good exercise for the entire empire. And I’m sure the crystal ponies never looked thinner! (which was also probably thanks to all the starvation) Nonetheless, Celestia could still learn a thing or two from this. Take a break from shoving all those cakes in your mouth and do a push-up once in a while!

With Sombra’s opt for insanity, it seemed as though the Crystal Empire was doomed to perish under his iron-clad hoof of evil and terrible taste in royal cloaks. But of course this was not to be, or else I wouldn’t even be talking about it now, would I? So obviously, there must have been somepony who put a stop to this evil. Alas, it seemed like as we have seen in history, the only way to stop evil is with a far greater evil. After all, isn’t this the pattern we’ve observed? From good (the Caballeros, Equinus), medium (Discord), and evil (Sombra, Celestia), it unfortunately seemed as though history followed a cruel pattern. That pattern of course being, that unicorns are the cause of all evil.

Chapter 16: The Forgotten War - The Crystal Siege

The Crystal Empire would have been forced to concede to its dark fate, if it wasn’t for the emergence of a third force. But who, oh who could it have been? Could it have been sympathetic race apologist, Discord? Or the clear heroes of history, the Equinus Republic? (just wishful thinking on my part) Well, as I described in the previous chapter, those historical figures are both “medium” and “good” on the official LOOSE CHANGE MORALITY SCALE™. But sadly we can’t have good triumph over evil in the world of Equestria. So of course, it must have been thanks to the dark mechanisms of Celestia.

But how could Celestia interfere in an Empire she didn’t even know of? Oh, you naïve, foolish fool.[84] Do you think a concept as simple as a country hidden from the outside world in the arctic north, inhabited by crystal earth ponies yet inexplicably ruled by unicorns, whose most recent heir went insane and attempted to go on a murderous rampage throughout the city, would be untouched by ~~Molestia~~ Celestia?

So how did Celestia worm her way into history again? Two words. Spi-es. Okay, one word.

With Celestia’s secret network of informants, by keeping her ear to the ground (oh, who are we kidding? She was practically dry humping Equestria with the extent of her spying), she was able to learn of the Crystal Empire’s existence before the Empire even learnt of her rise to power.

I mean, sure, the official explanation was that she “with her godly eye, knew of their existence before they had even come to being, as all of what the sun’s light touches can be seen by Celestia, for Celestia is love, Celestia is life”.[85] But honestly, I’ll just let those words speak for themselves. It seemed that Celestia’s propagandists were just getting full of themselves at this point.

Well, someway-or-another, Celestia knew of the Crystal Empire, and by extension, also knew of King Sombra and his turn. For a good political leader to handle a situation like this, negotiating with a country who doesn’t even know you know they exist, led by an insane, genocidal fiend, it would take finesse and grace. Which is why Celestia instead immediately declared to the public that they would go to war. And this is why Celestia isn’t a good leader.

Traditionalist historians (who were granted the ability to research the Crystal Empire with its return in 2012, but more on the reasoning for the restriction later), state that such a declaration was not only necessary, it was mandatory.

“Such a vast betrayal of fundamental pony rights could not go unpunished by Celestia, and under the throes of her cheering and adoring public, going to war against this ‘ultimate evil’ would justify itself in the eyes of history. With Equestria stronger than ever, not going to war against this sudden and unknown region that, in the mind of her citizens, spontaneously came into existence and threatened the continued livelihood of Equestria, would be a foolish thing to do.”[86]

Sure, the attempted genocide and pony rights violations all sound well and good (please don’t quote me on this out of context) to justify a war, but let’s think about the real reasons Celestia would so brazenly announce the existence of the Crystal Empire and the sudden threat it imposed on ponykind.

Celestia knew that the Empire couldn’t be kept secret forever. After all, if Canterlot’s latest medieval trends were somehow infiltrating the Empire, there had to have been a leak. This coupled with the fact that Sombra’s dark experiments were allowing him to learn more and more about dark magic, made the Crystal Empire an immediate threat to the sustainment of their regime. For as we know, Celestia, Luna, and the Elements of Harmony relied on the use of dark magic, and they needed to preserve their secrets; they could not have such a rambunctious pony “flaunting his goods”, or even worse, potentially becoming a challenger to their regime. This would explain their need to silence him, which prompted the preliminary Crystal Siege. To gain the fiercely isolationist Crystal territories and the potentially damaging sources in the libraries would simply be a bonus. So one can conclude that her claim for initiating the war to ensure the “protection of the wellbeing of all ponykind”[87] was more likely just an excuse to justify a pre-emptive invasion and secure the protection of her secrets.

Also, while Sombra clearly had plans for the genocide of the crystal ponies, he never was able to go through with any of them. In fact, it would be difficult to prove he ever intended to kill any ponies at all (except for all the evidence I presented in the last chapter, but after all, sometimes one can just “ignore” facts to prove a point). Some would say he was just unable to, as his genocidal ambitions were planned to stretch over ten years (scheduled from 954 to 964) to properly perform his dark rituals,[88] and that the evil experiments he performed, such as his perfecting of the fear, torturing, and stairs spells, were evidence enough of his evil. But to that I say “whatever”. The point I’m just trying to make here is that Celestia had no real guarantee of what Sombra was really going to do (and the words of spies don’t count), and as such, had no real justification for an invasion other than the fact she wanted to silence a potential leak of her secrets. End of discussion.

Equestria (the nation) certainly was ready for a war, at least in the mind of Celestia. With an oversized pegasi army that she was now confident would stay obedient to her, and the support of her population, it seemed like victory was ensured. But in actuality, I must remind you she did little to actually strengthen the nation. Superficial improvements don’t fuel wars after all. (I am of course, defining the boosted agriculture, infrastructure, economy, and general wellbeing of ponies as superficial improvements). If the domestic situation of Equestria was weakened, to sustain the nation for a possible drawn-out war would spell the death of the Celestia-tainted nation before it even had time to breathe.

Which is of course why none of that happened. I mean, despite all of my analysis and truthful* data, it seemed that no matter how I adjust history, I can’t fit this Celestia= failure agenda into this at all! Ughh! It’s really enough to piss you off, ya know? But you know what they say, hindsight is 0/0. And 0/0 is infinity.[89] Where I’m going with this, I don’t know. All I’m trying to say here is that it seemed Celestia was prepared for this invasion and war after all (contrary to ~~all of my data~~ the TRUTH).

So Celestia (and Luna too I suppose, why she came along is anyone’s guess) marched with a fighting force of a thousand ponies strong (which must have been a fabrication; that army is wayy larger than the capacity of my apartment. Even if I include the bathroom!) to the North to confront Sombra in a surprise attack. But interestingly, it seemed that Sombra kept his ear to the ground too. Or humping it? I don’t know, I forgot what analogy I was trying to make (I mean, who humps an ear anyways?) While early on in his rule he neglected to keep up with Equestrian (the nation) politics, during his drooling “CRYSTALSS” phase, he somehow was able to know Celestia’s plans ahead of time, and thusly, had more than enough time to prepare.

Remembering that this was before the advent of trains, it would take at least a month or two of long trekking to reach the Crystal Empire. While Celestia did learn of the Empire’s true location through her spies (probably the CWMFS), one would also have to take into account the harsh weather conditions of the Arctic north. But somehow, soldier morale remained strong, and they persisted.[90] It is here where I would usually insert a lovey dovey “praise fatty” primary source on how Celestia’s glory strengthened the resolve of the soldiers. But I’ve had enough of those. So enjoy some of my signature haikus instead. They’re probably way more satisfying and informative than those quotes could ever be.

I hate writing this
My prof can go eat a dick
Celestia sucks

Flirting with hobos
More difficult than it seems
When you don’t have bits

I might not have change
But I still am rather “Loose”
Why spurn me, Larry?

I think those haikus capture the historical context of the “Long March” pretty well. So with that, we can just skip to their arrival.

As I stated, Sombra came prepared for the Equestrian forces. Such preparations include[91]:

Making dark crystals sprout from nowhere.

More dark crystals.

Unleashing armies of twisted, rampaging beasts of his own dark creation to defend his

Empire.

Have I mentioned the crystals yet?

The Equestrian army was prepared for a surprise siege, but now had to fight a full-out war. But with the leadership (leadership of course, being used loosely) of Celestia and Luna, despite an initial struggle, the army was able to overcome the series of full scale battles in the Arctic theater. Interestingly enough, Sombra himself never actually took part of these battles, which some modern historians state explains the lack of morale from his army. Of course, this is kind of stupid; his armies didn’t have any sentient creatures who would benefit from a morale boost (and if there were any crystal ponies in the army, why would they have a boosted morale fighting alongside their oppressor?) Anywho, with Equestria finally pushing the enemy forces back to the heart of the Empire, it seemed like the United Royal Indomitable National Equestrian forces (their official name at the time, which was excessively extravagant and longwinded) could finally end the war once and for all. Shortly after the “Crystal Siege” began, the Equestrian forces probably realized that trying to starve out the already starving population against an evil and apathetic king wasn’t the best way to approach things, so they went with a general assault instead.[92]

Quickly breaching the defenses of the Empire (which, after Sombra’s evil creations were defeated in the Arctic Campaign, only consisted of preparatory steps 1,2, and 4), the army quickly began to liberate the Empire, while Celestia and Luna chose to confront Sombra in his castle alone.[93] This choice by the princesses clearly sticks out as like a sore hoof. Once their armies had already penetrated the Empire, why not provide support to the princesses when facing off against such a powerful master of dark magic? Well, you might think I would say it’s because Celestia wouldn’t want them to hear Sombra divulge any of her secrets, which one can say of certainty that he knew of. And while that’s definitely a major reason why the royal sister(s) chose to fight alone, I would say the bigger reason was because Celestia was an even greater master of dark magic, so she wasn’t really worried about his power. This only serves to further prove my point of the hidden evil and dark magic that the princesses possess.

It is important to note here that the sources in the Crystal library during the Siege became more oriented towards personal journals and messages due to the urgency of the situation, and towards the end of the Battle of the Crystal Empire, little reputable sources were made (as it was around this point that the crystal ponies would be sealed for a thousand years). While this would not matter, as the Crystal Empire (and its sources) would cease to be relevant following its disappearance, it provides a convenient explanation for why I have little data on the fight of Celestia and Luna against Sombra, even with the reappearance of the Empire’s libraries.

So you might think I would stop all the postulating about the Crystal War here right? After all, I’m all out of my “super fudge-coatedly awesome” Crystal Library sources. Well, luckily enough, it seemed I still have one more ace up my sleeve. You know, if I wore a shirt or something. Or played cards.

A sole first-hand witness to the epic fight of the royal sisters against the mad king, an anonymous crystal stenographer who was not yet enslaved by Sombra (probably as a testament to her mad writing skillz) was able to take one last account of the princesses’ confrontation with the king. And it went something like this. Now, fair warning here. At this point King Sombra spoke purely in Crystalese, so what is provided below is a rough translation of his words by the intelligent, gracious, and most of all, modest pony, Loose Change. Yes, I can speak Crystalese, I am 1/2048th crystal pony (on my mother’s side) after all, and before you ask, yes, it IS a very beautiful language. Of course, some (idiots) may be concerned about potential bias here. But I ensure you, there have been no alterations (except, of course, for my addendums shown in parentheses, which were added to provided context) or anything “Lost in Translation”[94] as a result of this. Probably. If there was, it’s your word against mine. And I’m the translator. Need I remind you, I have ALL the words.

So let’s get back on topic. Translated from a brief excerpt of their confrontation, the source reads,

“Celestia: This ends now, Sombra! I (and my sister) am here to stop your evil!

[The fight happens or something. Celestia being such a master of dark magic is easily able to overpower and defeat Sombra.]

Sombra: CRYSTALLSS!! [Celestia, I know the truth of your reign, and the magic you have used in order to sit on your throne built upon lies. You shall not use your foul magic to petrify me like you did with your predecessor, Discord the Great. You shall not lay waste to this glorious city state of mine as you desire to do to the rest of Equestria. Because of my magic, I shall live on for eternity! Though my body may die here, I will live on, and I shall take my city with me. My people and I shall live forever more in the shadows. But you should know enough about that; your dark magic is at a level even greater than mine. So I curse you, foul wench, to return to the twisted womb in which you once slumbered. And Luna too I suppose.]”[95]

It’s at this point in which I probably should have mentioned Sombra’s secret preparatory step #5, “in case of emergency or defeat, break glass”.[96] And by “break glass”, he meant to seal himself along with his city into eternal shadow, locked away like a Hearth’s Warming Eve present from the greedy eyes of young fillies, to be opened only with the passing of a thousand years. Or maybe more than that. Honestly, Equestria’s timeline is so messed up. Why is everything a thousand years? How could the Crystal Empire appear “a thousand years later” but Luna be freed “a thousand years later” before then, when her banishment to the moon was before the reappearance of the Empire? One might think there’s a fabrication of history or a sign of Celestia’s interference here, but I don’t see it. Sombra’s curse probably wasn’t literal or something. Let’s focus on more pressing matters. Like why Sombra used two exclamation marks instead of just one.

If you absolutely need an explanation, I’ll just say a wizard did it. Maybe it was Starswirl! After all, we’ve already toyed with the idea of him and time travelling. It wouldn’t be too farfetched to have him do it again, despite all of the time inaccuracies and plot holes that arise from this. Again: wizard did it, don’t need nothing like logic to explain myself. Unless you’re with the fallacy police.
YOU HEAR THAT YOU PIGS? I CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR TRICKS!

With regards to the previous source, one must be careful regarding its validity, as there is really no proof that the exact encounter took place. It could have been easily manipulated by Celestia immediately afterwards, before the disappearance of the Empire. So it might be best to take this source with a pinch of salt. And maybe a little parmesan. Oh yeah. That’s the stuff.

Butttt on the other hand, my translation of the source fits in so well with everything else, so maybe it’s true after all! Yeah, it’s definitely true. And that’s the bottom line, cuz Loose Change said so.[97]

So, with Sombra’s defeat and apparent death, Celestia and Luna had about five minutes to clear to heck out of there before she got caught in the sealing spell. The rest of the army also had to “haul ass” the heck out of there too. And I’m sure it was at this time that Celestia wished she hadn’t eaten so many cakes for dessert. I’m telling you gurl, it goes straight to your thighs.

“A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.”[98]

Anyways, any attempts by the Equestrian Forces to help the Crystal Ponies escape was sadly in vain. The sealing spell specifically targeted them, and they were dragged into the shadows of the cracks of time like the rest of the Empire, to slumber for a thousand years.

All-in-all, the end of the Crystal War was quite the whirlpool of events. No, really, I’m sure that it was like a literal whirlpool, as the entirety of the Empire was sucked into the deepest abyss of dark magic, one of which not even Celestia could free anypony from its power. Truly it seemed as though Sombra had the last laugh. While it certainly was a victory for Equestria, in the hindsight of history, it certainly was a hollow one. Equestria lost a multitude of soldiers to free an empire of ponies who were now instead, trapped for a thousand (give or take) years in the shadows. The only thing that Celestia ensured from this was the protection of her dark secrets from a population that was curious for the truth. Despite this small achievement for Celestia, at the end of the day, too many sacrifices were made for too little of a net gain. And now it was time for the long march home; having to turn their backs upon the remains of a great empire. It certainly must have been a (excuse the upcoming pun, I can’t help myself here) somber time for everypony.

Which is why upon their return, Celestia hyped up their success like the Second Coming of Smooze. I mean honestly, the Equestrian propaganda machine was running full steam here.[99] And the pegasi celebrated their perceived success with their expected brohoofs, drinking parties, and keg stands.[100]

From what I heard (the records have since been destroyed, as this early celebration of success was before the forced silence), Celestia sung the praises of the “brave Equestrian army”, and how they were able to defeat an “Empire of Evil”.[101] Of course, she probably conveniently left out the whole “disappearance of the ponies they were trying to save for ponyitarian reasons”. Are you starting to see why I despise Celestia so? And the worst part? The citizens believed her![102] Yes, it was at this point that Celestia’s stronghold over the minds of the populace was so strong, she could say something one day, and say the opposite the next, and nopony would question it! It was a truly terrifying power she wielded over all ponies. And it was precisely thanks to this control over knowledge she possessed that she was able to continue to deem herself invincible; an act that would cause her to pay a heavy price sooner than she thought.

Let’s discuss the silence part. Why would Celestia enforce a ban on mentioning the Crystal Empire? For over a millennium, the only witnesses to this climactic battle would be the princesses themselves, and what remained of the Equestrian forces (who also have little sources to share, despite having every reason to continue to write about their experiences, because of reasons that will be revealed later on). Of course, initially there was no such ban; all of Equestria was celebrating their “victory”, and the Crystal Empire and the War was well known by fillies and colts of all ages. But at some point, the ban became a decree that Celestia signed into law, ensuring that the Crystal Empire and the Crystal War would be forgotten in history. Why is this you may ask? Perhaps it was because the Crystal War would be the last victory (and even in this case, one could hardly call a real victory) Celestia would possess in a while, and in the context of history, it can only have been said to be quite pyrrhic. For it was the aftermath of the Crystal War that would act as the direct catalyst to one of Equestria’s worst domestic conflicts and Celestia’s greatest failure, the Equestrian Civil War. Ooh, I’m getting tingles just talking about it. I can’t wait! So let’s waste no time; let’s dive right in.

Chapter 17: Solitude of the Dreamwalker – Seeds of Upheaval

The Equestrian Civil War was one of the darkest times in Equestrian history. It demonstrates the cracks in Celestia’s “perfect” system, and divided a country into “a conflict between gods”.[103] But before I can get into the real meat of Celestia’s failures, imma have to give some juicy backstory. For one cannot be truly invested in the complex emotions and reasons surrounding the Civil War without an initial understanding of Post-Crystal War Equestria.

While one could hardly call the Crystal War a success by any sense of the word, it didn't stop Celestia, and national love for her excelled as a result. After Equestria’s first-ever "true" war, Celestia’s approval ratings were off the charts, and there was much love for her reign. Celestia’s propagandists must have had a field day, and quickly regurgitated some bs about how their first wartime victory surely spelt the absolute power of Celestia. It was thanks to this that Celestia received nearly all the credit for the “success” of the Crystal War, and was seen by all as not only a god, “but a true hero”.[104] Scholars (with the benefit of those recently released sources) usually point to this as the initial point of contention between the sisters.

While as before, Luna was more than happy to let Celestia soak up the praise (mostly because Luna didn't really do anything), this time, Luna felt that she played a major role in securing the Equestrian victory, due to her (heh) “leadership”, and especially due to her role in the Battle of Windigo Lake.[105] While Luna of course did not feel she deserved all the credit, but the fact that she was barely acknowledged at all and so blatantly ignored by the media and the populace caused darkness to fester in her heart. After all, she felt Celestia had enough praise; surely it was time for Luna to get a piece of that loving action right?

Yet there was nothing. While she brought it up with her sister in a private royal meeting,[106] nothing ever became of her complaint. Perhaps Celestia’s arrogance at this point was at its peak. After all, having an entire nation basically worship you would probably cause you to gain quite an ego. I mean, while no primary sources have ever observed any obvious change in Celestia’s behavior or mannerisms, some even stating that despite of all of this, “she was still the same kind, gentle, and gracious leader we had all come to love”,[107] I know pony nature more than anypony. And I know the type of pony Celestia is. From the short glimpses I saw of her in Canterlot, I think I have a greater understanding of her than anypony of her royal clique. Outside she pretends to be such a do-gooder, but inside lies the black, heartless heart of EVIL! EVIL I TELL YOU!

With the praise towards Celestia seemingly escalating year by year, it surely must have gotten on Luna’s nerves. Day by day, it must have chipped at her soul; her jealousy, her anger. But in Luna’s own recollections in 2013’s “interview of the millennium”,[108] despite it all, she “still loved [her sister] deeply, and…could never stand to hurt her.”[109] Of course, everypony had a breaking point, and as we know in history, it would just be a matter of time before Luna reached hers.

The years 952-1000 were informally called the “Second Golden Age of Equestria” at the time, thanks to a resurgence of the tremendous optimism and trust the ponies placed in their glorious leader. Of course, this name never really caught on; looking back in hindsight, most historians agree there was nothing really “golden” about it (which I would argue applies for the First Golden Age too, but I digress). This time period is instead recognized as a loose powder keg; a countdown towards the end of Equestria’s prosperity110.

In the few excerpts from what little was saved from this era before the full brunt of the “knowledge purges” immediately following the Civil War, Celestia sadly remarked that,

“Luna certainly brought up her feelings of isolation and loneliness. Not only was she ignored by the (in her words) peasantry, but nopony would stay awake to enjoy the beauty of her starry night. Perhaps…I was too foolish to dismiss her doubts. Perhaps I was too blind of a ruler, and more importantly, too terrible of a sister.”[111]

Mmmmm. You have no idea how much joy I feel in quoting that. mmmMMMMmMmm. Feels good, feels good.

Towards the end of the century, the Celestia administration was nonetheless having a field day with Celestia’s image. Multitudes of posters, events celebrating her power, and the glowing adoration of the citizenry filled her day with pride and joy (and probably some sick kind of thrill, after all, I bet Celestia just loves looking down on other ponies). I think I might’ve even seen some vintage Celestia lunchboxes out there.[112] But this probably just caused Luna’s anger and bitterness to grow even more.

Celestia, obviously too uppity, important, and busy to spend time to truly talk with her sister took its toll on the relationship of the royal siblings. More and more, Luna found herself isolated by the one pony she loved and trusted no matter what. And towards the end of the century, Luna found herself truly and utterly alone.

But still, her spirit did not yet break. Historians have attributed this to the strength of her spirit, and what love remained for her sister.[113] Her heart truly must have been in turmoil, the love and care in her heart was surely lessening by the minute; it was fighting a losing battle with her growing bitterness and jealousy.[114] But of course, I disagree with those idiots one hundred percent, and instead attribute it to her simple stubbornness. I mean seriously, just turn evil already so I can bash Celestia some more. Honestly, some ponies can be so insensitive of others.

Luna found a way to handle her loneliness by awakening her nascent power of dreams, finally finding a way to be in the company and love of other ponies as they slept. And in a Celestia-free world, this probably would’ve worked. But unfortunately, we are not so lucky.

Luna instead found herself at the anger of the citizens. Immediate concerns over privacy were brought up, and Luna was subjected to a class action lawsuit by the very citizens who she had tried to befriend.[115] Anger over this breach of state power by this (I’m paraphrasing here) “weak-sauce, inverted colorscheme Celestia wannabe”,[116] and how she dared to even look like Celestia were major points brought up in the trial. As I stated before, the pro-Celestia movement was at an all-time high; the general populace did not want to waste their time with what they perceived to be an “inferior, shorter yet lankier looking version of Celestia”.[117]

The trial certainly brought shame to the royal family (and by royal family, as the royal family consisted only of two ponies, I am of course referring to the sole shame of 50% of the family). While it was never shown publicly, surely Celestia had some harsh words of reprimand for Luna during the ordeal. Celestia was extremely busy during this time (with foreign matters that will be discussed in the next chapter), and as such, Luna’s actions here were both shameful and damaging to her administration. Perhaps they even had multiple arguments behind the scenes. After all, Celestia's lack of understanding over Luna's situation and true feelings, and the fact she seemed to care for her sister less and less in favor of her own duties surely deteriorated their relationship even further.

Celestia was the preceding head of law of time (as she was the head of everything, due to her cult of personality), and therefore oversaw the trial directly. During the trial itself, while Celestia was said to have “an understanding tone” during the situation, her body language, from the eyes of an observer, seemed to be “agitated and stressed”,[118] as if she wanted to get the trial over with as soon as possible. Continuing on from the whole “shame upon Equestria” trait that the trial held, understandably, this testimony would make sense. But what was peculiar in the court records was that Celestia continued to listen to each one of the plaintiffs’ complaints, of which there were many (complaints and plaintiffs that is).[119] However, she gave little time for Luna to speak on her own defense, and it seemed that Celestia already had the verdict in mind before the trial even began. As such, it would be understandable for Luna to infer that Celestia cared more for her citizens than herself. While she surely knew Celestia had a duty to uphold as the supreme ruler of Equestria, such knowledge would not make the pain hurt any less.

In Luna’s opinion, the fact that Celestia would so easily turn against her own sister in favor of her citizens was “a deeper stab in the back than [she] could have ever imagined. And the court's final ruling in favor of the citizens, as well as their abject condemnation of [her] in front of the entire nation was the greatest betrayal [she] had ever felt, and it only stung more that it came from [her] own loving sister.”[120]

With regards to the source this quote was taken from, how Luna was able to cover such deep and painful topics in just one minute, I’ll never know (I only have the transcript of the interview after all). Maybe she just spoke really quickly or something.

While Luna’s actions here may have seemed selfish and one would probably perceive her to be quite the drama queen, it is important to note here that Luna’s actions here were simply out of desperation. She was feeling truly isolated by all around her, and was just trying to reach out to somepony, anypony, who would listen. She certainly must have been sinking into a deeper and deeper depression, and the one pony she had relied on for over a lifetime seemed to have finally publicly turned her back on her. Keeping this in mind, one can easily understand why she was so hurt by Celestia’s actions here.

With the end of the trial, perhaps due to her sympathy for her sister, or perhaps just thanks to due process, instead of charging her with multiple counts of invasion of privacy, Celestia instead signed a new bill into law, the “Universal Right to Privacy Regarding Dreams and Other Apparitions of the Mind 998”, effectively forbidding Luna from interfering with the dreams of other ponies, except that of little orange fillies who may be in need of guidance.[121] Why she included that oddly specific clause, who knows. Maybe in an attempt to reach a compromise. Obviously Celestia could not prosecute Luna like a common criminal. As unpopular as she was, she was still an alicorn princess, and to do so would place doubt in her strength and show weakness in the alicorn regime. Which was especially significant now, as Equestria began to take the world stage with its international presence and stronghooved actions, in regards to the Griffon Republic (actions of which shall be discussed in the next chapter).

But nonetheless, even with this "compromise", the outcome of the trial clearly established that Luna was in the wrong, and placed her insecurities and loneliness on display for all of Equestria to see. Let me tell you, if she didn't have self-esteem problems before, she sure did now.

I cover the trial in far more detail in my other work, “An Abhorrent Offense: Princess Luna and the Invasion of Privacy” (please buy now) so I won’t waste any more time here discussing it. But the main point I’m trying to raise by mentioning it, was the trial’s effects on lighting the fuse to war (which by-the-by, is the thesis to “An Abhorrent Offense: Princess Luna and the Invasion of Privacy”[122]).

Luna understandably did not take the whole event well. In her own view, not only was she insulted and made a spectacle of by the Celestia-worshipping citizens in the trial, but she felt that her own sister had finally and ultimately betrayed her. Before, while she had nopony to help her, she still believed in Celestia’s love for her. It was what kept her from the darkness. But with the conclusion of the trial, and the self-perceived notion that Celestia had turned her back on her forever, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Can straws do that? Is it really that easy to break a camel’s back? Do you think that would work on any creature? This provokes further study…

Ahem. Back to my point, Luna, now utterly humiliated and perceiving herself to be fully betrayed by her sister, now had no reason to obey. Celestia and the rest of Equestria, in their hubris, had started something whose effects would be forever felt in history. A storm was coming. And there was no way it could be stopped.

Chapter 18: A Foreign Abstraction - Celestia and the Griffon Republic

The Fall of Princess Luna ignited a series of events that would change Equestria, and to an extent, the rest of the world, forever. Of course, the extent of the damage from this coming storm would have definitely been greatly lessened if it wasn’t for Celestia’s stupidity. You know, for a pony who claims to be omnipotent and omniscient, it’s kind of difficult to see how she could have such terrible foresight. But I guess that explains all of the other failures in her life too.

Anyways, that last chapter was mostly about the plight of Luna, but let’s get to the equal and/or lesser[123] sister and what she was up to. I’m sorry to interrupt my recounting of the greatest failure of Celestia’s life right in the middle of it (believe me, it hurts me more than it hurts you), however, it does seem only right to give the prelude to the Lunar Rebellion some context in history. Why was it that Celestia became too busy to humor Luna to talk with her about her feelings of inadequacy? Well, it seemed that she certainly had a lot on her plate, but that was nothing new for her; that’s every meal for her.[124] What I meant to say before I saw that opportunity that I just couldn’t pass up, was that she had quite the game of international politics to play.

As I stated before, Equestria was slowly but surely taking on a more active role on the world stage. Of course, the world stage being limited to the only two major continents we know of today, Equestria and…that Griffon one. I don’t know, what, you expect me to know the name of their stupid land? All because that information is “supposedly” common filly’s knowledge,[125] it doesn’t mean that every filly knows it. I suppose I can just be the exception, like how my mind is an exception to other ponies’ when it comes to IQ (humble brag: I scored a 79 on the IQ test and the doctors told me I’m special).[126] So it doesn’t matter that I’m a Third Year University of Canterlot student who doesn’t know basic knowledge. And besides, you shouldn’t resort to ad poninem you know. Or the Fallacy Police will be knocking down your doors at night and whisking you away to Libreria, their rumored knowledge-based labor camp. See, when it comes to fallacy reporting, two can play at that game.

Returning to the topic at hand, after the griffons’ Third Bloody Age and the reinstatement of another government, they sank to a new low. Ravished by civil wars up the ass (no pun intended, the deciding battle was fought on Donkey Doodle Peak[127]), and saddled with the responsibility of repairing the broken nation, the new griffon government desperately needed supplies and help. Their economy was crushed from the “Scorched Earth” policy of the Royalists,[128] and with the rising rates of starvation and the republic’s ever plummeting approval rates, the republic needed to find a way to reduce the load of reparations and restore their lost prestige. And what better way to do so than to ally yourself with a strong nation and hoping they’ll deal with your problems for you?

No other nation seemed more suitable than Equestria. Towards the end of Equestria’s Golden Age, the Equestrian economy was booming (which is still debatable by experts,[129] but I suppose in comparison to their nation, it could be perceived as booming), which ensured the Griffon Republic’s interest in them as a suitable trading partner. After centuries of isolation, the sudden and desperate opening of the Griffon…zilla? nation to the Equestrian political and economic spectrum in 997 was of course hailed as a success by the Celestia-obsessed fangirls, who were convinced it was the “great and unexplainable doing of Celestia”[130] and a sure sign of Equestria’s absolute strength in comparison to the rest of the world. I just wish I could see their faces when in about a few decades the shit hits the fan.

With the official opening of the Griffon nation, so also began their joint negotiations. A popular royal advisor to Celestia recorded that in her many meetings with the representatives of the Griffon Republic,

“…she was nothing but fair and sympathetic to the plight of the new republic and the griffons. She, aided with the advice of the griffon representatives, saw to it that she could help the griffons to the best of her, and Equestria’s, ability. It was only towards the end of these discussions that she concluded a need to supervise their nation to ensure their mutual success.”[131]

What this source reveals is only the true depths of Celestia’s cruel and cunning nature. For it was during her shrewd negotiations with the foreign representatives that she was able to detect their desperation, therefore allowing her to manipulate the odds more to her favor. It was because of the Republic’s reliance on Equestria that Celestia was able to dig her hooves into their government. After all, with her continuous presence there, the struggling republic would be forced to always act in Celestia’s favor to avoid jeopardizing their economic trade agreements. Also, considering Celestia’s new position in the government under the guise of supervision, it would only be easier for her to control them. But Celestia’s desire to control the griffons was not only motivated by power; she almost certainly saw the griffon government as another threat to her reign (as a result of her massive republic hate-boner which was seen early on in the Era), and she therefore almost certainly wanted to mold the nation into one she could be satisfied with.

Celestia’s actions here only support my alicorn ascension theory even further. After all, only a unicorn would exploit the faults of others to their own personal gain and power. While I usually would find great fault in this, because this time it was used towards the detriment of the disgusting griffon creatures, I’ll let it slide for now.

Wow, towards the end of the Golden Age it seemed that Celestia was on a roll with this opening of isolationist territories by seemingly gracious yet secretly underhooved tactics. But of course, as a unicorn, she probably had a lot of practice spreading things wide open. HEY-OHHH![132]

I would share the names of some of the big-name griffons in charge of the republic and stuff, but who honestly cares. Seriously, if you want to read a whole bunch of dead griffons’ names that nobody gives a flying feather about, go read the obituaries. I’ve got more important things to do than credit the politicians who helped shape the past state of the world we call history. Like getting back to my plans to woo Larry. Soon he will give into my wily feminine charms. And if not, I’ll just resort to Plan B.[133]

Anywho, by masterminding this complex and intricate game of international politics, Celestia obviously had less and less time to spend with Luna. And as I said before, as the griffon negotiations neared completion, Luna chose this time to pull her little stunt, requiring a national trial. Celestia obviously needed to quickly settle the trial in fear of losing the upper hoof she gained over the griffons by seeming weak-willed. So naturally, she was forced to rush through the process by signing the informally named “Luna Bill” into law.

Celestia hoped that by offering Luna some concessions in this (see the “orange colored filly” clause that I mentioned above), it would help ease the pain of her self-perceived betrayal. But as historians noted, it was only now that she noticed a considerable rift in tensions growing between her and her sister, and only once it was already too late. In an foolish attempt to abolish the emotional strain between them and possibly to ease her own guilt, Celestia chose this time to fulfill Luna’s old, innocent request before her turn to darkness; to allow her to rule Equestria while she was off supervising the griffons for ten years.

But once again, Celestia was too blind to see the hatred in her sister. You know, for a pony who claims to be omnipotent, she’s not doing too well with that (again, evidence she’s a false god). For she fulfilled Luna’s desire far too late, and now, she practically gave Luna the power to seize control of Equestria. No, not practically, she literally gave Luna the power to seize control of Equestria. And with Luna’s fall into darkness already complete by the year 1002, Celestia’s idiocy doomed her nation to be swallowed by another raging storm of war, the results of which, would be much, much worse than before.

Chapter 19: The Coming Storm – The New Lunar Order

Luna’s brief stint as ruler of Equestria was one that would have catastrophic results. Not because she was a terrible ruler (well, like her sister, she was, but that’s neither here nor there), but rather, her agenda of leadership had drastically shifted from one of love and tolerance into one where she sought after revenge against her sister against all else, as well as one where she would claim all of Equestria as her own. As such, one can obviously see that Equestria under Luna at this time would be fraught with darkness. The brief period in which Luna had ruled was truly a tumultuous time, and with Luna’s actions as the reigning monarch, ensured that another war would encompass Equestria once more.

While you might think that I prefer Luna because of the lack of blind Luna bashing throughout my essay (in comparison to Celestia) and the fact I seemed somewhat sympathetic to her plight in the previous chapters, I’d like to eliminate that very idea from your head right now. I didn’t hate on her because I liked her more; I didn’t hate on her because I forgot about her. In truth, both of the alicorns are pretty awful. Look at them with their wings, their elongated horns, and their four legs. Where’s the earth pony part of them, huh? Are you telling me that they have a slightly smaller brain too?[134] Because otherwise I call discrimination here.

Luna obviously knew that eventually Celestia would learn of what she had done, and return to Equestria to retake the throne, and as such, Luna had to make many preparations. While she indeed had methods to keep the lie with her sister going (as shall be addressed in this chapter), she knew such efforts would only have temporary results, and as such, she would have to work quickly to prepare for a war that she knew was coming. Clearly, Luna had a lot ahead of her. The entire country was pro-Celestia at the time, while her own popularity was at an all-time low. If Luna wished to rule Equestria for all of eternity like she intended to and prepare Equestria for a war with its own loving princess, she would need to recreate some of the basic tenants of Equestria from the ground-up. Known in history as the “New Lunar Order”, with its success, it would change the former Celestial system into one of her own liking.

But don’t think I’m taking any sides in this war. I really couldn’t care less for the bickering of two overgrown unicorn sisters, even if this bickering would ignite Equestria into the worst war it had ever seen. Instead of rooting for any of the sisters, I shall choose to take the high ground. Not by taking an objective stance like a noble pony would do, but by dissing both of them whenever I have the chance.

There were many things Luna needed to accomplish to ensure her eternal rule, and the success of this “New Lunar Order”. Simplified into a few words, the main goals she possessed were to; hold complete and utter military control over the nation, shatter all semblances of hope, completely destroy the basis of the Celestial system, and, just as a personal and spiteful goal, maintain an eternal night, probably as a symbolic middle finger[135] to Celestia.

Luna wasted no time in fulfilling this, as she knew that every lost minute of time could be used against her once Celestia made her return. Unlike with Equestria’s previous ruler, Discord, and his rise to power, she acted quickly, without subtlety or restraint. After all, she was already hated by a majority of the population, and she saw no point in attempting to win back their respect.

While Luna made no public announcements of her intentions (yet), her aggressive political actions already caused many to pause and take note. Her alteration of her royal title from “Crown Princess Regent Luna” to “True Princess of the Night, Terror of the Sun, Nightmare Moon”,[136] certainly raised a few eyebrows, but most attributed this to a goth phase she was going through.[137] As Equestria’s temporary (although soon to be permanent, at least in her eyes) ruler, she demanded that the Equestrian military serve “her and only her,” so long as she was the dominant princess of the nation.[138] Most of course took her words with cautious disbelief, but with her forceful addendum to military law,[139] the majority had no choice.

Of course, she knew that she had in no way ensured their loyalty. In fact, as soon as Celestia returned, there was no chance that the Equestrian military would stand against her, law or not. This was more of a formality than anything. Luna obviously had to take much more drastic actions to consolidate her strength.

It is here where the Nightmare forces come into play. An ancient, twisted group whose presence that may have even predated pony existence, the Nightmare forces were only a subset of a far deeper evil that lurked in the pre-history of Equestria. But no matter what, they couldn’t be more evil then Celestia, who had the gall to lie to a few historians. Truly she is the absolute epitome of evil.

Anyways, a mistake many amateur historians who discuss the fall of Princess Luna often make is in assuming the Nightmare forces were the ones behind Luna’s turn to evil. Of course, this is simply not true. In another rare moment in history, it seems that I agree with the words of traditionalist history, for it is common consensus that Luna fell solely due to the darkness in her own heart. Of course, this is not to say that the Nightmare forces had no impact on the event; obviously their very presence wasn’t going to do Luna any favors on the whole “return to goodness” part. In fact, it is with unnerving certainty that I can say that they definitely quickened the whole “turning evil” process and made it more difficult for her to be redeemed. But it important to note that it is well documented in history that Luna sought after the Nightmare forces first. I find it absolutely fascinating that such things such as sources and historical facts can be true sometimes, given that they match my opinion. But I suppose even a stopped clock can be right twice a day.

Luna needed their power and support to strengthen her claim to the dark throne of Equestria. The Nightmare forces certainly could offer this in spades, with numbers that could give even the oversized Equestrian military a run for their money.[140] The Nightmare forces would not bow to anypony who would just waltz into their lair of course, but they must have noticed the darkness in Luna’s heart. As a potential source of dark energy they could feed off of while simultaneously strengthening Luna’s dark magical ability, they certainly saw a symbiotic relationship. And Luna’s promises of restoring the ancient forces into a dominant position in Equestria under her leadership was surely just the icing on the cake.[141]

Now armed with a dark and sinister power far greater than one that Celestia could fathom (ignoring the Elements of course, their evil power would forever be unmatched), Luna finally had the brunt force required to take what she wanted. But the continued disloyalty of the Equestrian military and general populace could prove to be a threat to her success in the upcoming war, especially as they were still powerful in their own right and unlikely to be swayed by fear. Luna would have to severely weaken them, and crush their resolve to eliminate them as a variable.

Her need for support from the inside was met by an excessively small minority. While I previously said that Celestia’s propaganda was at a high point during this era and she had subjugated many ponies into her twisted line of thought, there were some ponies who were able to resist. While the majority of the ponies celebrated their seeming victory in the Crystal War, there were a few whispers in the dark regarding the cost of victory. With rumors and truths starting to make their way to the ears of a cautious few, groups of ponies secretly doubting Celestia began to form. It was an eventuality of all authoritarian reigns, despite Celestia’s best efforts to control thought and knowledge, it was here where certain ponies began to place doubts in their minds. New ideas began sprouting up in secret, mostly among the pegasi and earth pony populations (as the unicorns still stood in the upper social tier and would therefore have little interest in rebellion). As I covered before, racial issues would continue to spell trouble for Celestia, a fact she seemed to overlook when purposely creating such a system. And with earth ponies historically continuing to get the small side of the stick, and pegasi not forgetting the sacrifices made in the Crystal War, it would be clear that with its conclusion, the seeds of suspicion would begin the sprout among ponies smart enough to see past her lies. If anything, it was impressive Celestia was able to delay such thought for as long as she did, but I suppose one could just attribute that to the strengths of her propaganda machine.

New, revolutionary ideas began to silently grow into the minds of a few, and eventually, groups began to form. Of course, despite this seeming surge of revolution, it really couldn’t be called a surge at all. They were really most likely a select few intellectuals (as most others were blinded by lies), whose members could not have been more than ten.[142] I suppose you have to start from somewhere.

But these groups did not always share the same agenda. Some clung on to the idea of republicanism, some to a military dominated dictatorship, and some even to the idea of no government at all. So obviously it would be difficult for them to see eye to eye. But they shared one common trait; they were created through a shared desire to watch the old system burn.

The point I was trying to make with this was that Luna saw this as the method to turn Equestrian citizens against each other. For she had spies of her own as well. Probably not as well hidden as she had hoped, as they mainly consisted of the few bat-ponies who were loyal to her alone, and due to their rarity, were pretty easy to spot. But nonetheless, she knew of the small and divided resistance, and saw them as the best method to rack up more support. While the Nightmare forces were already more than enough to sustain the Civil War she desired, her desire for the support of the resistance groups was more to weaken Celestia’s cause. For she knew that many of them had valid points against Celestia, and, if given the right push, could possibly recruit many more to her side.

So she met in secret with the anarchist, republican restoration groups, fascist, and newly founded communist groups, an idea created during the Classical Era by earth pony, Kutie Marx.[143] How she thought she could meet all of their aims, I have no idea. Unless she intended to create an anarchist communist republic of dictatorships, her idea to gain more support was in reality quite stupid. But again, alicorn. It gets pretty self-explanatory at this point.

She then appealed to a select few of the military again. Knowing that certain pegasi had sympathies with the resistance groups, especially those at the forefront of some of the more devastating battles in the Arctic campaigns, and the fact that a few high ranking generals sought greater power than what Celestia provided to them, Luna attempted to win over the support of the Equestrian military. Of course, while the bulk of the forces remained loyal to Celestia, the simple act of turning some of the more corruptible ones to her side would be enough to create factions and split Celestia’s potential military might. Two pegasi generals, and four colonels[144] were swayed to the Luna’s side, the highest ranking of which was the de-facto leader of the divided corps, Commander General Thunderhide.[145]

Providing the rest of the military with a royal ultimatum in 1003, Luna decreed that,

“ALL MEMBERS OF THE UNITED ROYAL INDOMITABLE NATIONAL EQUESTRIAN FORCES WHO REFUSE TO OBEY MY SUPREME RULE WILL BE PUNISHED UNDER SUPREME PENALTY OF LAW. FROM HENCEFORTH, THE REMAINING EQUESTRIAN MILITARY SHALL BE ASSIMILATED INTO SUBSERVIENCE AS THE ‘LUNAR FORCES OF THE ECLIPSE’. KNEEL BEFORE YOUR NEW RULER YOU WORTHLESS PEONS! [evil laugh]”[146]

It certainly was a shocking statement. Immediate fear began to set back into the minds of the ponies; Luna had truly lost her mind. Many of the remaining loyal members of the military refused to comply, and according to rumor, were dishonorably discharged (their heads from their bodies).[147] Whether or not that was actually the case was questionable, Luna was no mad dog killer, she just wanted what she felt was in her birthright. Which, of course, was built upon lies. She had simply turned into a power hungry tyrant blinded by the very lies that she had helped fabricate. So in essence, she was really just Celestia Part II. But she was different ‘cuz she was dark and edgy. And nopony understood her.

“Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal.”[148]

With the bulk of the Equestrian military now forcefully dissolved, it was still clear that they could prove to be problematic later on, with rumors of a possible coup d’état (oh god, did I just use that filthy griffon tongue in my essay?). Luna would have to eliminate their resolve, which she did by starting occupations by the Nightmare forces on select strategic locations. For not only did she need to show off her military might, but she needed to set up defensive positions for Celestia’s eventual return.[149] The slightest utterance of rebellion would be quickly squashed by the now patrolling Nightmare forces, and strict curfews were established. A majority of the Celestia loyalist military leaders were thrown into prison, which weakened any semblances of resistance even further. And the Nightmare forces were fierce and rarely merciful. Equestrian society was now powerless against Luna’s anger. It was a time of fear that Equestria hadn’t felt since the Age of Discord. And it would only get worse.

Luna decided to use this time to launch her Eternal Night™, refusing to lower the moon to make way for the sun. As such, Equestria was continuously shrouded in darkness so long as she sat on the throne, affecting the very system and wellbeing of the nation. Balance was destroyed, and with ponies struggling to adapt to a seemingly everlasting darkness, disaster and panic began spreading across the continent like a mofo. While one might wonder how Celestia did not notice this eternal night over in the Griffon Republic. After all, the presence of the sun and the moon should affect the entire planet right? Well, as everypony knows, Equestrian astronomy doesn’t make much sense (to me), and therefore cannot be easily explained to the average pony without making their mind spin. It probably has to do with the fake monopoly Celestia and Luna held over the moon that caused the entire astrological system to be so screwed up as it is. But rest assured it all works out in a theoretical sense. Somehow. In summary, the point I’m trying to make here is that the sun and moon work differently for everywhere besides Equestria, which would explain why Celestia wasn’t alerted to the moon’s eternal presence and therefore Luna’s betrayal.

Hey, if you have a better explanation for this inconsistency, then I’m all for it. Anything? No? That’s what I thought. I mean, I totally had an explanation for this that blew the rest of the supposed “scientific facts” and “reasoning” from academic sources out of the water, but I thought of it right before I took one of those smiley face pills, and we all know the aftereffects of those, don’t we? And unfortunately, I forgot to write my brilliant theory down. So once again, another piece of history is lost in the sands of time. Somehow this is Celestia’s fault. It always is.

Luna’s attempts at securing the anti-Celestia resistance forces also would bear fruit. For while she did not get the widespread support she was hoping for, she had planted the seeds of thought into the minds of other ponies. Slowly but surely, she did gain the support of some ponies who finally saw the flaws of the Celestial system, and how they could do so much better under Luna’s reign, even if achievement of their goals would be through force. Of course, it’s not like this was a majority of the population or something, she got little more than twenty or thirty ponies to actually support her,[150] most likely due to her continued unpopularity, even more so after attempting such a dishonorable coup. But what was important here and what Luna was counting on was that even if she was defeated, now that more and more ponies saw the cracks of Celestia’s reign, the strength of Celestia’s cult of personality was now shattered, a preliminary step for a potential overthrow of the Celestial system. Celestia could never claim the same strength and power over ponies she had in the Classical era, and that would be a lasting effect that would remain throughout history.

It was really the support of the pegasi war hero, Thunderhide, famed for slaying a thousand hoard of crystal beasts without losing a single pony in his squadron,[151] saving a cartload of orphaned baby ponies trapped inside a well that was on fire singlehoofed, and his reported face that “could launch a thousand [crack]ships”,[152] that more and more ponies began to warm up to Luna even more. Tsch, typical idiots. As soon as they start to think, “Oh, if so-and-so is on her side, maybe she’s not too bad after all”, they fall into Luna’s evil ploy. For as they (and the rest of Equestria even to this day) have yet to realize, is that while Luna seemed radically different, the two alicorn sisters were really just two faces of the same shitty coin.

As the anti-Celestia resistance groups had initiated, more ponies, specifically the pegasi and earth ponies, began thinking more and more about their independence. And while they still despised Luna, they did indeed slowly look up to her as one of the only possible ways to gain the recognition they finally realized they deserved. Sheesh, those goddamn pegasi really were a bunch of complainers. “Waah, three of my children died in the war, waah, the fourth one came back with all his limbs missing.” Would you like a little cheese with that whine? Maybe a nice gorgonzola.

Wait a second. Hold the phone. I feel like I need to apologize for that extremely distasteful oversight I just made. It was extremely rude and foolish of me, and I swear on the life of that unicorn over there that I shall never be so negligent with my knowledge again.

I am of course referring to my blatant ignoring of the troubles of the earth ponies! Damn, how could I forget about them? I mean, the earth ponies had enough troubles to worry about. As a result of their curious omission from the Crystal war effort, they had to deal with most of the other insufferable unicorns who also didn’t go. And as an Earth pony living in Canterlot, I know of their plight, and I salute those brave Earth ponies for having to spend day by day not wringing each of their pretentious little necks when they talk about croquet, monocles, and croquet shaped monocles.

Wait a second. Hold the phone.[153] There were earth ponies supporting Luna too? Well, if the earth ponies supported her maybe she wasn’t so stupidly evil after all. After all, the few revolutionary earth ponies who supported Luna[154] were obviously more significant than the majority of the Equestrian population who supported Celestia at this time.[155] Yeah, maybe I’ve been looking at this the wrong way. Let’s re-examine this shall we?

The eternal night which lasted for five years forced ponies to grow other forms of sustenance, like potatoes and carrots,[156] which are much healthier alternatives to apples. After all, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, right? But if you keep doctors away from you when you’re sick, you’ll die! (A fact conveniently left out from the apple corporation markets of Equestria.) And the lack of sun for ten years meant a dramatic decrease in sunburns, which was good for the health and wellbeing of everypony. Of course, this was balanced out by a rise in Osteomalacia,[157] the deficiency of Vitamin D, but that word is too hard to spell, ergo, nobody really cared.

In fact, if you were to think about this through enlightened eyes, Luna did a lot of good for Equestria. By living in eternal darkness for a decade, the ponies’ eyes were forced to adapt, and therefore, they gained cool night vision. Also their pupils must have dilated in the dark, which would make everypony’s eyes even bigger than they already were, increasing our cuteness factor exponentially (or it would have, if any pony could see).

But the most significant thing she did was free Equestria from that awful Celestia. After all, if Nightmare Moon was no longer the most evil alicorn in existence, then that title goes to the remaining sister, right? Celestia could have the coin to herself, while the rest of Equestria was chillin’ with their homemare, Nightmare Moon. And I mean literally chillin’; without the sun, the temperature dropped down to frigid temperatures real soon.[158] But Nightmare Moon was just a pony keepin’ it real, she wouldn’t let things like literal verbs get her down; she was sitting on a throne made from awesomeness and guitar riffs.

Luna knew that Celestia learning of her open rebellion would almost definitely occur; her plan of concealment was not a long-term one. But she certainly was able to take steps to delay the truth for as long as she could. As soon as Celestia left in the year 1002, Luna shut down the Equestrian mail service and all forms of contact to avoid allowing Celestia’s spies the ability to contact her. She then maintained a fierce Nightmare guard (once her betrayal and seizure of power were absolutely well-known to the Equestrian public) by the seas and skies of Equestria, to avoid any ponies slipping away from her and informing the princess. And Luna learned her lessons from history; after all, if the isolationist to the extreme Crystal Empire had holes to the outside world, the vast nation-continent of Equestria would have holes too. She kept up a magical barrier as well, just in case, which would seal off any transcription spells from any Joe unicorn who had a pen and eyes that were adjusted to the dark.

Of course, Luna could not simply cut off all communication with Celestia. While she could hoofwave the shutting down of the national mail service to her sister as the effects of a general strike, she would still have to keep in touch with Celestia, for appearance’s sake. Luna unfortunately, despite of her eternal wisdom, destroyed most of her letters, while Celestia sealed her copies of the letters into a vault in which nopony could ever lay their eyes on it. Because of this, modern history does not have copies of these letters that would surely carry vast significance in understanding this era. So we’re just gonna have to rely on my historical recreations, which are 119% more accurate anyways. I can already hear the cries of adoration. Or maybe they’re just cries. Anywho, let’s get this done.

An extract of a portion of an excerpt of Celestia’s letters probably read as such,

“Dear sister,
I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me…I was too foolish…I didn’t consider your feelings, blah blah blah, and other lovey dovey stuff.
Love,
Celestia”

While Luna’s response probably looked like this,

“I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I WANT TO SEE YOU DIE
HATE, Love,
NIGHTMARE MOON Luna”

Or probably something like that.

Approaching the year 1008, it seemed that Luna achieved what she set out to achieve. Now, she played the waiting game, adjusting her military forces when she saw fit, waiting for Celestia to hear of the news. But unfortunately, in one of our great princess’s greatest missteps, it seemed she had forgotten one key thing. To fully eliminate all traces of hope in Equestria. For even in the most silent of places, in the darkest (literally) of hours, there was still a belief that their true princess would return. Even despite all of Luna’s best tricks in persuading the populace to turn against their leader, her attempts at revealing Celestia’s crimes (at least the crimes she was at liberty to admit, she too was an alicorn after all), ponies everywhere still believed in their “true” leader.[159] And they were to be "rewarded" for their faith. For the official explanation for Celestia’s triumphant return was that she heard the cries of her citizens in their hearts, and as their benevolent ruler, she finally returned to stop the evil that was plaguing the nation.[160]

But I personally attribute it to the Griffon Republic’s lack of cake. There is only so long you can keep a fatty from cake, and clearly, six years was it. She just took a hiatus from her political mission in the Griffon Republic to make an impromptu visit (cake binge) to Equestria. But what a surprise she was in for.

For Celestia left ill-equipped for what she was about to face. With less than a handful of royal guards by her side161, she now faced a challenge far greater than she ever faced before. To retake a nation, who had five years to prepare for her return, armed to the teeth with an army whose power and sheer size was incalculable, neigh, incomprehensible. And most of all, she faced the challenge of fighting her sister.

Before she even knew it, as soon as she stepped on that ship destined for Equestria, the Equestrian Civil War had begun. And ooh mama is it gonna be fun (for me at least).

Chapter 20: On Resolve and the Solar Restoration - Celestia Enters the Arena

Of course, the Equestrian Civil War’s exact starting date is still questioned by many. Some consider it starting immediately after the Crystal War, some with the signing of the Luna Bill, and some with Luna’s first announcement to the ponies of Equestria of her dark intentions. But no matter the trigger, all can agree that the war undoubtedly started with Celestia’s first hoofstep back on Equestria after her long absence. It is here where a problem regarding this era unfolds. As there is little information and sources that have not been hidden or altered by Celestia regarding this era (after all, Nightmare Moon was relegated to legend and forgotten like her not-so-bad predecessors before her, Sombra and Discord), there is great difficulty in finding enough sources. I mean, supposedly after Luna’s “redemption”, these sources were de-classified and revealed to the public (probably to remind the majority of the ponies who and why a random new pony princess appeared after a thousand years of absence; the legend of Nightmare Night notwithstanding), but those sources had more than ample time to get “re-truthinated” by Celestia. It’s a shame that the Crystal libraries weren’t able to cover this period of history.

It seems that the sources regarding Luna’s fall are easy enough to find, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty details of the Equestrian Civil War, the darkest chapter in Equestrian history, the sources seem to be curiously absent. Of course, secret records and actual recollections of the war have been maintained for tenured historians who have earned the right to truly delve into the ancient Equestrian archives. But unfortunately, under Celestia’s foul logic, I am neither tenured, nor a historian (again, by the Equestrian definition of the term only; I am more of a historian than most of those other hacks). So I had Crazy Larry go on a racist tirade in the middle of the building (not that he needed much provocation, and that’s just one of the reasons I love him so) and act as a distraction while I snuck in through the back window and ransacked the place myself. Note I didn’t use the word, “stole”. ‘Cause it’s only stealing if you have no intention of giving it back.[162] And I totally will after this essay. If it wasn’t for the fact, that, ya know, I don’t want to.

So with all that boring methodology stuff out of the way (the things my prof makes me do, yeesh), let’s get back to Celestia’s return, or as it’s officially cited in one of the recently declassified resources, “the holy return of our loving all-mother”.[163] Do you see why I went to all the trouble now? If you think I’ll spend the rest of the chapter calling Celestia such a stupid name, I can recommend a great hammer for you to bash your useless bits of brain out.

Nearing the Eastern coast of Equestria, Celestia must have felt there was something wrong. The Nightmare Forces were said to have “emitted a foul and evil aura”[164] from whence they went, and for a (false) alicorn as herself, their presence must have alerted Celestia to immediate danger. But while fear certainly shot through the princess’ heart, it was not one regarding her own wellbeing, but one of the welfare of her nation and her sister.[165] Celestia pressed forth with her limited forces, and arrived on Equestria, greeted with a warm welcome. And by warm welcome, I of course mean the first battle of the war, the Battle of Peleannor Beach. But I’m sure it was warm nonetheless; the weather was reportedly fair (given of course, the fact that the weather was as it usually was, shrouded in eternal night), but the gushing blood of slaughtered ponies were sure to be lukewarm.

Or at least it would have been, if it was not for Celestia’s shielding spell. Goddamnit Celestia, can’t you do anything right? All Celestia had to do was push through the bulk of the Nightmare forces' attacks and escape into the interior mainland, all-the-while shielding herself and her guards.[166] For any other unicorn, to pull off such a maneuver would be quite taxing on their magical power,[167] and with the power of these Nightmare Forces well-known, to shield against what must have been a full fighting force of blasts was highly impressive within itself. But in my opinion, congratulating a higher level unicorn (with an extra alicorn power boost mind you) for such a feat is akin to congratulating an earth pony’s defecation. It’s what’s expected of you.

In reports from her surviving guards once the war was won, it was said that she “never stopped for a second, pushing ardently forward against the raging tide of magic blasts on that beach of Horseshoe Bay. We stood in awe of her magnificence, and did whatever we could to contribute in fighting those twisted creatures. We were able to flee into a forest and lose their trail.”[168]

I can’t help but laugh out loud. So I will illustrate so right now. Hah! So Celestia’s first battle of the war…ended up in her defeat? Sure, historians say it couldn’t be classified as a defeat, as she was unprepared and ignorant of the war itself, yet she still managed to overcome the Nightmare forces core objective; preventing her and her guards’ survival and entrance into the innards of Equestria. But let’s not play damage control, guys. You all know the truth and are just afraid to say it. She sucked the big one. But then again, it wouldn’t be the first time. She was born a unicorn after all.

Revisionist historians (of the more recent sources released, in the Civil War revisionist movement from 2011 on) argue that Celestia’s decisions here may have actually been a part of Luna’s ploy all along,[170] as we shall see later on. And hey, who am I to argue. Whatever makes Celestia’s defeat all the tastier is welcome in my books. It’s quite literally welcome; I’m typing it out right now.

Anywho, what Celestia needed now was intelligence. ~~But that’s something she needed regardless.~~ She was in an unfamiliar situation, ignorant of what had just transpired, except for the fact that something EVILL! was lurking in the heart of Equestria. After taking brief refuge in the forests of the Hayseed Swamps, they made their way to the nearest town, the small settlement of Saddleworth.[171]

It is at this moment in which one should discuss Luna’s strategies. Of course, if she wanted to absolutely crush Celestia’s sparse forces, she could have focused all of her military power on the Eastern front of Equestria. However, she couldn’t make it too hard for Celestia to re-enter. Luna of course must have realized the small flames of hope flickering in the shadows, and the whispers of Celestia’s eventual return in the dark. And I mean literal whispers in the dark; keep in mind the eternal night thing was still a big factor. In accordance to the ploy that I had mentioned earlier, Luna came up of a way to finally crush the last semblances of hope in the minds of the Equestrian citizens. And as such, while she built up a significant defensive perimeter around Peleannor beach, it is possible that Celestia’s eventual entrance into the nation was all part of her cunning, and might I add intelligent, plan. While many lesser historians (relative to me of course) argue that Luna could not have possessed such a level of foresight, and that she subscribed to a more pragmatic way of thinking (is that a magazine or something?)[172]; there is evidence to support the former. When observing a few of the maps I had obtained from the hidden archives of the library, it is clear that the bulk of Luna’s forces lied in Western and Central Equestria[173]; a curious oddity given that it would be certain that Celestia would return from the East. This, along with the fact that besides the forces stationed at the Eastern beaches, there was a noticeable difference in number of patrolling forces in the Eastern towns,[174] can all be cited as evidence for this ploy of Luna’s, a ploy whose full extent I shall explain in the next chapter. Or maybe Luna was finally enlightened to the clear supremacy of the earth pony, and as such, trusted them with more breathing room than the rest of Equestria.

Well, anyways, even with Celestia’s limited forces, she was still able to reach the town of Saddleworth relatively unchallenged, where she was immediately greeted by the “overjoyed Earth pony population”.[175] As it says in the records, “with Celestia’s arrival, she had returned the light of the sun to the town, and by extension, Equestria, which had been suffering so long in the dark.”[176] Ignoring the clear fabrications from the words, “overjoyed” and “suffering”, it seems that even the source agrees that Celestia was foolish, excessively stupid, and a terrible leader. After all, if Celestia’s first instinct to greeting a town which had adapted to two years of eternal night and darkness, was to shine her stupid magical sunlight in their face, I think the multiple cases of permanent eye damage alone would speak loads about Celestia’s supposed wisdom. The most certain sudden influx of blind ponies in Saddleworth aside, Celestia eventually learned of what had transpired in her absence. And oh golly oh my, I wish I could see the look on her face. For now I suppose, I’ll have to make do with this source.

“I took it upon myself to inform our princess of the great injustices that had occurred in her absence. The changes in the military, the lives we were forced to lead, and more importantly, just what happened to Equestria and her sister. It broke my heart just telling her.

I was not privileged to see her many times, but everypony knew of the love she had for her nation and its citizens. We may have saw her as a ruler, but she truly did see us all as her family. And the thought of her not being able to protect everypony from such suffering must have been extremely painful. Especially with the knowledge that the pain came from the one remaining member of her true family, who was now her enemy.

As I told her this, I saw for a moment, her mighty image break. During my explanation, her knees began to shake, her eyes welled up with tears. Yet she did not cry or sob. Rather she looked lost, as if everything she knew, everything she loved and protected were now gone, and she knew not what to do. A look of helplessness I saw one too many times in the past few years. And the fact that it came from our beloved princess tore my heart further in two.

But it was only for an instant. Not once did she fall to her knees or breakdown, like any ruler, no, any pony who received such devastating news would do. The entire village gathered around our princess during this, but only I was close enough to see. She had closed her eyes for a single moment. I saw her lips murmur something to herself, but I was unable to hear what. I knew that the words were not meant for me. But after that, it seemed to steady her. And it was what she did next that moved me to my very core.

She spoke, in a shaking but strong voice. Her words would forever be carved into my memory.

‘I am sorry for this.'

There was a brief moment of silence, as the weight of her words sunk in.

'I am sorry for my sister. I am sorry for your suffering. I am sorry I was deaf to your cries. I could apologize a thousand times, but it would not be enough to earn your forgiveness for what my foolishness had allowed to transpire here.

I know…I know I cannot make it up. These lost years. The loss of trust and hope. But I will work, until my hooves are cracked and bleeding, until I can stand no more, I will work until this nation stands as righteous as it should.’

She turned her head slightly, as if she could not look us in the eyes.

‘That’s what I would like to say,’ she admitted in a look of pain, ‘That’s what I’d like to do. If I could fix all of this by myself, if I could revert all of your suffering I would. If I could…’

She stopped once more. She turned back to face us.

‘If I could carry all of these sins, all of your suffering, on my shoulders I would. I know that this is my burden to bear. And I know that I should, no, I must, face this on my own. I’ve always touted my strength, I’ve ruled above you. And it was because I was strong. And I wish I could say I was strong now, but,’

She looked away again, as she took deep breaths in. She calmed herself once more, and turned and ensured that as she spoke, she met everypony’s gaze.

‘I’m not.’ She said such a thing with great resolve, but with great sadness as well.

It was a truth that we all knew, but we never wanted to hear her say. She was our princess, we had relied on her for so long, perhaps selfishly. We always thought, in our ignorance, that she would pull through. That she would hold the weight of the world in one hoof, and still be able to protect all of us with the other. But deep down, we knew. We knew that that was too much for anypony, even a goddess like herself, to bear.

It pained her to admit this, we knew this to be true, be she kept pushing on.

‘But I wish I was.'

'I wish I could say I was strong enough to restore this nation with my own power. But I’m not.’ She repeated this truth again, but she did not look away this time.

She slowly continued, with gradual, but shaking strength in her voice.

‘I need a chance to speak with my sister. Face to face. And I promise that I’ll set everything right by then, with my own two hooves. But right now,’

She stopped herself once more. What she did next would be forever remembered in history. I had seen many a thing in all my life. But this, this! Tears started to well up in my eyes.

Celestia bowed down, her long, white legs bending at the knee. With her front hooves firmly implanted into the dark brown soil, and her beautiful, lustrous mane falling to the mud, she bent down. The entire length of her majestic horn pressed against the ground as she dirtied her forehead against the soil. It was a deep bow, no, a full prostration. A goddess like her, kneeling herself before us.

‘Your grace.’ I breathlessly whispered. I think we all did. Celestia continued on, despite her humbling position.

‘But now, I’m afraid. I’m afraid I don’t have the strength. I know this is my sin to bear, I know I’ve been a fool. But as your immortal goddess, ruler of the skies and sun, as Princess Celestia, I am, truly sorry. I’m sorry I let you down, I’m sorry I made you suffer for so long. I know I’ve asked so much from you already. And your forgiveness and trust, I dare not ask for it again.’

As she continued, she not once looked back up, but continued to bow before us. Her breathing became deeper and intense, and although we could not see her face, we knew she was in tears herself. But we were sure that such a pain was nothing compared to the pain in her heart.

‘But I must ask you all for one more thing. It's the last thing I ask for.’ She took one last moment to gather herself, but her composure and tone of voice never once deviated, and neither did her stance.

'Help me.' she breathed.

For a moment, we had thought that our ears had deceived us. But, in truth we all knew what she had said the moment it left her lips.

‘Help me take back our nation.'

We still stood frozen, taken aback by this sudden sequence of events. None of us were expecting any of this, to be suddenly freed, for our loving princess to appear, for her to get on her knees and humble herself to request such a thing. I would imagine we needed time to process all of this.

Celestia stayed unmoving, but, perhaps, sensing our confusion, or in her need to press on, she continued to speak.

'I don’t ask you this as your goddess, or your ruler, or as an order,' taking her time to say these things with clarity, pausing between each statement.

'I ask you this,' she continued on, with rising determination in her voice, 'as a simple pony.

One who’s made a terrible mistake and just wants one more chance to make things right.

So please.

Help me.’

The entire crowd remained motionless, frozen even, trying to decide what to do. We were mostly just standing there in shock in what had just transpired. But Celestia remained there, still in her bow.

One pony in particular, a childhood friend of mine, approached her. The remaining few royal guards initially made a motion, but they were smart enough to realize there was no threat. Celestia still prostrating on her knees looked at him, with tears still in her eyes.

She slowly stood up to meet his gaze. He looked at her, no, he looked straight into her eyes, as if she was an old friend. I was first startled by his brashness, I had known him to be a quiet pony, one who lived in a small apple orchard, with his wife and foal of two years of age. A quiet pony living a quiet life, taking solace in the simple joys of life. He simply looked into her eyes, with a solemn look on his face.

Eyes filled with emotion, eyes filled with understanding. In that one quiet moment, he had said all that we wanted to say to her. All that needed to be said. He handed her a kerchief, one he had tied around his neck since he was a foal, and she smiled, drying her eyes with it as if it was a great gift.

At that moment another pony moved forward to meet her gaze. And another. And another. And before I knew it, I had stepped forward too. The entire crowd eventually stood there, by her side. Every pony I had seen in the village, from the smallest of fillies, to the oldest of mares, stood there, silent, with an unwavering gaze of loyalty and strength. ‘Thank you.’ Celestia said, as she kept wiping her eyes, ‘thank you.’

From that moment on, we entered a campaign of war. And in every moment of battle, as I looked upon our ruler, small but significant against those plates of golden and bronze, on the royal armor that Celestia adorned as she led us into battle, not once could she be seen without that very same cloth tied around her neck. It was a plain piece of fabric, red in color, tattered and worn. But she wore it with pride, and stood tall with it, as if it was bound to her very soul. As significant to her as the crown that forever rested on her head. From what I know, he was one of the many ponies felled in our struggles against the Nightmare. And though he, along with the others who fell, may fade from the scrolls of parchment we call history, I knew in truth they would never be forgotten.”[177]

Wow, okay. Pretentious much? Let me get this straight. First, Celestia steals some poor sap’s kerchief and just keeps it. Excessive taxation at its worst. But that would explain Celestia’s recent economic plans I suppose. And second, to the pony writing the damn source, ya know, his name wouldn’t be forgotten if you simply wrote it down. Didn’t you say you were his childhood friend? “Ooh, I’m so important that I’m gonna write a biography of all the really important stuff I did, like stare blindly as this one pony motivated everypony in the village. But write his name down? That would require too much effort. But be sure to plaster my name across the cover, cuz even though he’ll be forgotten by history, doesn’t mean I have to!”

Dick.

Historians still quote this speech as one of the most memorable of all time, and cite it as a demonstration of Celestia’s humility and humble spirit. I personally feel that the speech was just a crock of shit, but whatever.

Continuing on from Mr. Pretention here,

“From the fields of Mustangia, on the plains of Damarescus, on the streets of Baltimare, we fought. From Bridelington to Hoofington, we fought, not for glory, but for purpose. For hope of returning to a better time. To a brighter future. We may have been mismatched, our enemies tremendous and strength and skill, but with Celestia, it seemed that those things did not matter. The strength of our wills kept us going. And it was our strength that allowed us to win battle after battle, and let the sun return to village after village.

For every village we captured, Celestia would always make another speech on hope and triumph. And although the words were familiar, they felt different each time. As if we were not stuck in the past, but moving forward. Every time I heard that speech, I thought back to where we were back then, and where we were now. Celestia, slowly but surely, was helping us take our wonderful nation back into our own hooves. And every time I heard those words again, I felt their eternal truth resonate in my heart. I would think back to the time I first heard the speech. Not in all the years of darkness did I think this swelling feeling of hope would ever be felt again in my life. In a few words, words surely to be carved upon the stone tablets of history to be remembered across generations, she had turned the darkest dawn into the beginning of a new day. And with utmost certainty, every time the speech was made, all of the ponies in the village, we included, steadfastly stood by her side, not once hesitating, but standing proud beside our ruler.

And we knew, that as the sun rose, nearby villages, and perhaps all of Equestria were able to, for a moment, see the beauty of the sun’s light. And see that not all hope had vanished. See that not all was lost, that there were still ponies, brave and unwavering in their dedication they were willing to lay down their lives for the good of Equestria. Before, we were afraid to fight back. But now, now we were no longer afraid. How could we be? Our Solar Reclamation had begun.”[178]

Hmph. Whatever. Returning back to the stone-cold objective standpoint of history, this movement of recapturing cities was known as the “Solar Restoration”. Not Reclamation. Sure, some called it that too, but I found they were usually the more idiotic of the bunch.

Getting to military strategy here, at first, it seemed that the ponies had used early guerrilla tactics to distract and divide their enemies, before performing an all-out assault in the Nightmare’s moment of weakness to recapture occupied villages.[179] The earth ponies did not hold true weapons, often using sharpened farm tools and hastily-made spears to attack the dark spectres of evil. But the power of the sun, and the few magic guards certainly made a difference when it came to power. While early attacks may had been a struggle, as the Celestial forces racked more and more victories, their army began to grow greatly in size and number as more and more joined her cause, until eventually recapturing villages became a cinch.[180]

Those who were strong enough to fight joined Celestia’s forces, while those who were too young, sickly, or old stayed behind in the villages.[181] In an effort to deter a possible recapturing by Nightmare forces, Celestia, when returning the sunlight to those regions, cast a small protective barrier to be maintained by the sun’s power.[182] As more and more villages began to stack up, they probably took quite a strain on the princess. But she maintained she was the only one who could cast it, and that “[she] would protect all of the weak ponies of Equestria with her own power”, and that “it was the least that she could do”.[183] Well, isn’t she inconsiderate. If babies can fight, let them fight. No need for such discrimination here, Celestia. I thought you were trying to break down racial barriers before, and now you’re setting up the tenants for ageist behaviors? What a hippo crate. A literal squared square with the probable weight of a hippo.

Anyways, now that all that necessary historical background/exposition spewing stuff is over, I can finally present some of my more revisionist theories. Such as a curious inaccuracy in history, one that a healthy dose of Loose Change logic™ is sure to fix.

What’s the deal[184] with Celestia’s army? As those crappy sources had said, it was because of the (paraphrasing here) “triumph of the will”,[185] or what have you, that Celestia’s army grew to such a number. That was just the cover story though, as several glaring errors throughout these claims call the validity of this information into question. After all, as noted in many an Equestrian Civil War source, there have been accounts of an abundance of unicorns fighting alongside the earth pony army as well.[186]

But this is impossible; there were only 3-4 unicorns from Celestia’s royal guard who could’ve been fighting. Taking into consideration that these skirmishes took place on the Eastern front of Equestria, any captured regions would mostly contain only Earth pony populations, with respect to the demographic geography of the area. So why do so many sources list a major unicorn contribution to these early battles?

Sure, I can pin the blame on some more unicorn alterations in history to make their race look better and more loyal in the eyes of history, but I think I beat the “history alteration” horse to death already. Like I’d like to do to all unicorns.

Wishful thinking aside, I do suspect a more sinister explanation for this occurrence. An occurrence that can of course, be explained through our good ol’ friend, anecdotal evidence. More specifically, legends I heard from my grandmother.

As most Earth pony elders know, there lies the existence of a mirror pool in Equestria. Where “the brambles are thickest…[and] beyond the most twisted of vines”, it is in there which a “mirror pool” can be found.[187] And that is precisely the explanation for this curious case. One is known to reside in the forest of the Everfree, and one might think that that is where the only place to find it would be. However, let me ask you this. Is the Everfree the only forest with brambles and vines? According to the very words of the legend, any forest with a region of thick brambles and twisted vines (compared to the other brambles and vines of that forest) could hide a mirror pool.

While I had not yet found a mirror pool to support this theory of mine (heck, I haven’t even found the mirror pool in the Everfree yet), it would make sense that Celestia too would know of such a legend’s existence. After all, she was the master of knowing about dark magic, especially considering how she was able to find the Elements of Harmony during the Age of Discord. And yes, the mirror pool can be classified as dark magic using my previous dark magic classification system.

Can it be explained? Or more importantly, can it be explained so that I understand it? If no: dark magic!

So Celestia, despite the willing and brave hearts of us Earth ponies, decided to stick to her untrusting, racist self, and refused to fully trust the volunteering ponies. Of course, this is contrast to literally everything written in many a source,[188] but keep in mind this was something that she probably felt on the inside. She had the talent of maintaining appearances for her regime, so it fits just as well that she would have a talent for acting humble and grateful as well. And, despite our obvious superiority, I do find it difficult to believe that a ragtag squad of untrained earth ponies could recapture territories to the east from elite, albeit low in number, Nightmare forces, guerrilla tactics or not. Besides, she probably didn’t even get that many earth pony followers anyways. Ignoring the clear exaggerated hyperbole of the previous sources, she probably only got 3-4 volunteers realistically. Cuz as I said before, I know how we think. Us earth ponies are smart enough to see through her ploys (see Chapter 14, more specifically the earth pony/outhouse portion), and recognize which pony they should really worship. Hint, it’s not ol’ Sunbutt over there.

So, instead, Celestia clearly built her army to her liking by cloning them using the mirror pool. While these unicorn guards were not exactly part of the military, they were still well-trained volunteers who decided to dedicate their lives to protecting her majesty. As such, they did have proper combat training, and an extraordinary talent for magic.[189] Therefore, it would be obvious why she would choose her unicorns over the earth ponies. Because she’s racist.

Celestia, of course, needed more than just doubling her number of 3-4 guards. As such, the originals and the clones would continue to dive and dive into the pool, until quite an army was amassed. Of course, this meant that most of the unicorn army suffered from clone deterioration. Their skills and body intact, but their minds mostly warped to the point near retardation. Which is probably why they can only say “Stop right there, criminal scum!”[190] So yeah. Celestia’s raising an army through leadership, willpower, and hope? Nah, she just used clones. I mean, why else would her current army look like copypasta’d vectors with the same designs over and over again? It’s the only logical explanation out there. Okay, it’s the only explanation. But it fits, so suck it.

So as she conquered the East, and began building her army (made up of clones and 3-4 earth pony volunteers), she was ready to retake the rest of Equestria. As her forces moved into central Equestria, or as I like to call it, Prude Central, they moved towards Canterlot. And here’s where the fun keeps getting better. Next time! On Pony! War! Z!

Chapter 21: Along the Crossroads of History - The Battle of Canterlot

The Battle of Canterlot is an interesting point in history indeed. Historically, there have actually been two Battles of Canterlot, sans the attempted invasion from Queen Chrysalis (which, will be covered in due time). Nonetheless, despite this event being the actual first Battle of Canterlot, taking place in the year 1010, it is more commonly known by its informal name, “The Battle of Canterlot”. And you thought my naming system sucked.

So the question arises. Why was this event universally recognized as the one true Battle of Canterlot? It of course, had to do with the stakes that were raised in this event. On a countdown to Equestrian Doomsday, this event can be said to have been the closest Equestria had come to utter destruction.[191] Of course, I take a different view to this; with Equestria’s destruction would come a rebirth, a renaissance of sorts, in which the one true princess would reign supreme. But of course, sadly, I seem to take the minority on this, and publicly, Princess Luna had stated that Equestria would be worse off if this event had taken a sharply different turn.[192] But what does she know. In my eyes, as soon as she was “redeemed” by Celestia (more on that later, I promise), she lost whatever good qualities she had.

Besides, it was not as though the Doomsday clock was completely objective. It’s not even a real clock! It’s just subjective to the words of historians, which as we know, often hold excessively stupid opinions. Take into example, my opinion (as an example of an opinion that is not excessively stupid), in which as soon as Celestia took power, had the time permanently fixed to 11:59 to doomsday. After all, as we all know, Celestia just keeps running this country into the ground as soon as she took power. But other ponies recognize this one moment as the last minute to destruction. And this is to say nothing of the other huge threats that had overtaken the country, the return of Princess Luna, the returns of Discord, the invasion of Queen Chrys…pfffh. I can’t even complete that sentence without laughing. Joking aside, (believe me, we’ll get into those “threats” later on), I will say that while I wholeheartedly disagree with those historians that this battle was the absolute tipping point of Equestria’s destruction, I will admit that the results of the battle shaped the road of history, for better or for worse.[193]

Celestia, once completing her Eastern campaign, thought to move further into Equestria. While before, through her rough structure of an intelligence system developed through the communication system between the Earth pony villages, she had estimates of the poor numbers of Nightmare forces guarding each village, and therefore, was able to divide her forces ~~efficiently~~ decently through pure, dumb luck and conquer multiple villages at a time, now was a very different scenario. Central and Western Equestria had forces foreign to her, and their power and might, unknown. Of course, Celestia could figure that the nation was more fortified in its interior, and it was through that knowledge that she knew she had to amass a much larger army. With a fighting force of approximately 15,000 strong towards the end of the Eastern campaign194, she chose not to divide her forces, but rather use the brunt of their power to first capture “what must have been the most fortified stronghold yet, the capital of Equestria, Canterlot.”[195]

And for once, I can’t argue with Celestia’s logic. Before you strip off my proud “true historian” badge I had made for myself using markers and popsicle sticks, hear me out. Such an assumption does make sense. But what intrigues me instead, is why she chose to march straight on to Canterlot. Celestia desired to free every pony who was suffering under Luna’s reign as soon as possible, and therefore, she could choose to free the smaller villages before moving on to the big guns. But with Luna’s numbers unknown, a simple assault on a small village could be a devastating trap. Especially as Celestia noted that “the Eastern forces were curiously too small in number”.[196]

And while Celestia did desire to free everypony by conquering their villages (which reminds me of the thought patterns of the ancient Aegon the Griffon Conqueror, though admittedly, under different contexts of suffering, as Aegon considered not living under his rule was suffering within itself), and freeing them from the occupying Nightmare forces, she knew the fastest way to accomplish this would be through ending the war itself, and then rounding up the remaining forces with a fully restored Equestrian army.

Celestia sought to end the war through talks with her sister. Of course, she would first have to beat the Nightmare forces who protected her and prevented Celestia from even coming close before she would even have a chance to speak to her sister face to face. But it’s not like Luna was seeking Celestia out or anything, at this point, she was in her blind rage mode, which probably would have made any attempts to talk pretty difficult.[197] So to achieve democracy, Celestia would have to pull out her big guns and fight her way through.

At this point, Celestia saw her army at its strongest, and therefore, desired to use their full fighting force to its greatest extent by retaking the city that Luna was most likely hiding in. Celestia’s military meetings prior to marching on the Western front detailed three possible locations; at Canterlot, the Royal Pony Castle, or in a stronghold somewhere in Western Equestria.

If Luna was smart, (which of course she was, at least at the time, praise Luna) she would obviously go for the strategic position in Western Equestria, allowing Celestia forces to be severely weakened through battle and fatigue as they carved an arduous path across Equestria. But Celestia thought otherwise, and said Luna would not choose such a place to rule. And it’s a good thing Celestia’s stupidity paid out for her once in her life, cuz she was right. No, her reasoning behind this wasn’t because of her strong instincts or her understanding of the way her sister thought or anything. It was stupidity and dumb luck. Final answer.

So they had narrowed it down to two locations, Canterlot or the Royal Castle. After much deliberation, it was determined that Luna would be most likely found at Canterlot.[198] And again, (as much as it hurts me to say), their logic does check out. After all, if Luna wanted to gain trust in the Earth pony and pegasi populations, she would rule over the unicorns and force them under the greatest subjugation to show their inferiority (logic in which I can say I proudly stand behind). And the national morale and hope of those who sought to oppose her would decrease dramatically. After all, if Luna truly was ruling with the brunt of her forces occupying the proud capital of Equestria, then many would see the battle to be lost before it even began.

Of course, such logic rang true to Celestia’s ears. As I had previously uncovered in Chapter 12, Canterlot was chosen as Equestria’s capital, as it represented a beacon of magic power and was a powerful symbol within itself. Its occupation by Nightmare forces and forced destruction of the unicorn way of life certainly fit in what she knew of her sister’s New Lunar Order. And so it was decided that they would seek out Luna and end the war on the roads of Canterlot.

After their final capture on the Eastern front, the restoration of Fillydelphia,[199] Celestia’s solar forces moved through the thick brambles of Hollow Shades (possibly finding another mirror pool to strengthen her forces further), and followed the path along Foal Mountain.[200] While it would be a good idea to traverse Foal Mountain itself to avoid possible confrontation with Nightmare forces on the ground, Celestia knew that such a long trek across snowy and treacherous terrain could potentially be devastating, and she declined to take that chance. Dumb luck again.

Of course, making this choice did have its consequences, as they did encounter some patrol parties of Nightmare forces. Of course, with Celestia’s now vast numbers, they were easily able to overcome and overwhelm these brief skirmishes, capturing them before they could potentially report back.[201]

As the war occurred long before the advent of train technology in Equestria, Celestia knew to conserve most of the force’s strength to instead traverse the rocky roads of Canterlot. Many a potential rock slide occurred, suspected to be attempts from Nightmare forces as early attempts to defend their prize, but Celestia was able to use her magic to prevent any premature harm on her army, and moved the offending rocks before they could hurt her forces or block a path.[202] Especially when she knew they’d be in quite a tizzy of a battle before long.

And they eventually reached the castle’s entrance, “somewhat tired from the trek, but motivated and ready, especially with Celestia’s moving speeches”.[203] Ughhhh. Again with the speeches? Why don’t I just start calling her Loudbutt. Cuz that’s how she’s coming off to me. A big loud pain in my ass.

The powerful drawbridge, one that had stood since Celestia’s first arrival to the city, and was known to be eternally open for many a pony brave enough to make the trek to the beauty of the unicorn capital of Equestria, was now shut.

And now, I’ll just leave this one soldier’s account to tell the rest. I’m lazy, tired, and Larry is still rejecting me. I’m just gonna copy down this retelling, get boozed up, and call it a day. It pretty much says what needs to be covered about the battle. I’ll add some other stuff later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Its powerful iron chains swayed slightly with the wind. We knew that while we could see no forces now, no sign of an enemy; they were there. That they were ready. But so were we. The sky grew silent that day, as if knowing the blood that would be shed. There was no bird twittering away, as if all knew of the coming clash of iron and magic with the shadows of darkness. And so we laid silent as well. It was the calm before the storm. The friends I had made on this quest, they stood by me, looking upon the city with unblinking, unwavering eyes. And I saw Celestia, also unmoving, silent, looking at the strong doors that guarded Canterlot against her return. But I knew the gates represented much more than that. But she held a strong fire in her eyes, a burning passion, not of rage or ferocity, but of inner strength and courage. There was a not a sound in the air, almost as if we all wanted this one moment, this last minute of tranquility. I gripped my spear with my hooves.[?]

It was a trusty spear, not made of any special kind of material, or draped in some velvet cloth as the pegasi soldiers used to hold with pride. It was made with cheap wood and a dulling blade, with the tip scratched and raw. But it had served me well on the battlefield, and saved me from one a many surprise attacks from my flank.[?? Oh, flank in a different context.] We had no adorned armor, no sharp dressed uniforms of matching colors. Our army instead had coats of many different colors, with interspersed furs of greys and whites to match. [evidence?! Royal guards had white and grey coats!] But we did not need such colors to bind us together; we were united in purpose and spirit. We stood, not behind, but with the one true Princess.

The horns, the horns! Blasting trumpets in a major key lit the path ablaze with the fires of battle. Not yet a charge, but a preparatory blast. We knew there to be movement on the other side. I saw Celestia’s eyes narrow. The drawbridge began to fall. It was as if it were a ticking clock. The moment it set itself down onto the land was when the battle would begin. Tantalizingly, it inched. It played off our willingness, it drank it up as if it were a cheap ale.

A mass of black shadows. They were not shadows cast by any form of natural light, but they held pony, no, bestial forms all the same, their glowing yellow eyes gazing upon us. It was a large army indeed, but inside, I breathed a sigh of relief. Their numbers were formidable, yes, their power, most likely exponential as the elite of the elite, tasked with defending Canterlot. I would say with great certainty that they were the largest fighting force we had yet faced. But our soldiers still overwhelmed their numbers a great deal. I looked to Celestia. We all did. But her eyes were not fixed upon the enemy as ours first were, they were peering into the city, and what lied beyond. Her sister, for certain. She closed her eyes for a moment. The silence still bit into the atmosphere, tearing meaty chunks of it across the plain roads of the entrance to Canterlot. My heart was pounding, threatening to leap out of my chest. I was nervous, more nervous so than my first ever foray into the fields of battle.

This. This was the deciding moment. Close it came. I was lucky so far, I had made good friends, and I had lost many of them too. Would this be the day? In an act of glory? A fit of cowardice? A life snuffed out by an accident, not even a footnote on the recollections of battle? I knew not of my fate, my destiny; I did not have time. Celestia’s eyes opened once more. She cast her left hoof forward, triumphant. She truly was glorious, majestic in her grace, even on the knowing callousness of the battlefield. She had yelled to charge, not in a furious voice, but one deep in tone and rich in meaning. And so we ran forth, and the Nightmare pushed to meet us. Our greatest battle had begun.”[204]

Anddddd, I’m back. Just for a brief moment. I gotta go take a whiz.

“And so the battle had ended. It was an arduous task, retaking the city. I would not once say it was easier than I had expected; that would disrespect the lives of those who had lost them. The Nightmare forces were pushed out of the city as we entered. They routed, like fleas they did. They would jump to their next host for certain, but for now victory was ours. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. I had felt I had at least earned that much.

I knew Celestia considered our battle not truly over until the safety of the captured city’s citizens was ensured. Only with the rising of the sun over the land and only when the jubilant cries praising victory and freedom could be heard that we could say the battle had ended. We had begun rounding up the ponies in preparation for Celestia to make her speech. Many had wished, no, expected Celestia to speak upon the recaptured castle’s balcony, as she would in past days. I admit that in my heart of hearts I wished the same. But I knew she would not. She would insist to speak to all ponies, eye to eye, on equal terms. An apology we had heard many a time, one that no pony needed her to say, but she would say nonetheless. For she was our light, she was our shining sun. And she truly cared for all her pony family, shining her rays of light upon us.

The Canterlot populace was overjoyed. They were freed, the unicorns were blissful beyond belief. But a certain aura persisted. The gathering of the populace took quite a while; Canterlot was a big place after all. The biggest city that I had ever seen. I wished, at the time, to return to it, when it was not still draped in the cloth of darkness. And I would, eventually.

I had never seen so many unicorns in one place. [denied. This contradicts my clone theory, and will be struck through.] They were like us in more ways than I had expected. I saw them with twisted images of aristocracy and corruption in my mind’s eye before, but now I saw them up and close. They were ponies like us, suffering, but brave. Strong and strong-willed. I saw them as equals, I saw them as friends. [Now you’re just being ridiculous.] There was still time before the speech. We were exhausted, and some even laid strewn across the cobbled streets of Canterlot in fatigue. Some unicorns even went to the extent to fetch us some bread and milk, something that was well appreciated, especially when such items were so scarce nowadays.[Stop it.]

I had noticed a friend of mine, the very one who I stood beside before the battle. His name was Starshine, with a coat of yellow and a simple mane of brown, an atypical farm pony if I’d ever seen one. He smiled at me. ‘I’m glad to see you made it through.’ he said.

I smiled, ‘Somehow, I seem to get by.’

‘Do you think this whole war’s done? Do you really think it’s over?’

I exhaled loudly, and propped myself up with my spear, which seemed to lose more of its edge as the battles went on. Not that I had a mind to replace it anytime soon.

‘I wish. There still seems to be more to come.' I looked up at the Canterlot castle. I had heard stories of its beauty, and I knew I was not looking at it in its brightest hour, but it was still a view to behold. In colors of ivory white, and towers extending to challenge the sky, I knew its past radiance still shined.

I pointed in its general direction. At this point, I was too tired to properly point it out. ‘You see the castle? Once the Nightmare forces were driven out of there, it was found to be completely empty. Wherever Princess Luna may be, it’s not here.’

Now it was Starshine’s turn to exhale. ‘Ah, I’d afraid that’d be the case.’ He smiled at me. ‘At least we did good here tonight.’

I returned the smile. ‘We did good.’

‘Ya know,’ I heard a pony say behind me. We both turned to look. A pony with a brown auburn coat and lightly shaded mane was standing there. We didn’t know her, nor did we see her before, but her tired nature and rusted tool[!?] of battle [ah.] told us all we needed to know.

She leaned closer towards us. Starshine moved closer to hear her exhausted, lazing tongue. ‘I heard among these city folk that there used to be much more of them Nighties patrolling here.’

Nighties. A term of endearment among some of the regiment. The term soothed our spirits during our involvement in the enemy. It had a funny connotation. But now was not the time for humor.

‘What d’you mean, more Nighties?’ Starshine pressed. He looked as doubtful as I.

‘Exactly what it means.’ The pony continued, ‘There used to be a whole bunch more here. Apparently most up and left once they learnt of us marching up the cliffs.’

‘Does Celestia know of this?’ I asked, probably taking the words straight out of Starshine’s mouth.

‘The whole lot of generals know. That’s why they’re being so cautious;’ She said, ‘they’re suspecting something strange with this.’

Starshine scoffed. ‘It’s not that this battle wasn’t hard or nothin’. We fought our guts out there.’ Now it was her turn to look at us.

Starshine felt the need to clarify. ‘I mean, if it was like the end of the Eastern campaign, capturing a city in a few tens of minutes, I’d see the problem. But this is buckin’ Canterlot here. I’d say we fought more than our fill, especially if the Moon princess ain’t ever here.’

‘I suppose so,’ she managed to reply.

We heard another trumpeting blast of noise. It was not of war however, for it was accompanied with the shining of a friendly sigil in the shape of a sun across the still night sky.

‘We’d best be getting over there,’ I started, ‘It seems as though the end of this battle’s about to begin.’

A congregation of ponies, unicorns and earth ponies alike were crowded among the city square. Us military ponies managed to walk through a path cleared for us, so we could stand with our leader as she made her speech. As our numbers grew larger, it became more difficult to do so, but we’d always manage, even in the smallest of towns. And like Starshine said, this was no small town. This was buckin’ Canterlot.

I looked at Celestia. I was lucky enough to be a part of her division; the leading charge into battle. I had hoped to see a look of happiness, or solace to soothe my fears. But it seemed to be one of worry. She had a smile across her face, as any leader should in the face of such a tremendous victory, but the uneasy feeling persisted. ‘Was she worried for her sister?’ I wondered to myself.

Celestia seemed to shake these worries away, and I, following in the example of my leader did the same. Starshine took his spot beside me, and nodded a greeting of acknowledgement. I returned the sentiment.

The city square was quite large and spacious, but we still managed to fill it up. Everypony would want to see this, the rising of the sun across Canterlot. Canterlot was known for its position at the center of Equestria. While rising the sun in the east was certainly good for maintaining hope, rising the sun in Canterlot would ensure that its light would reach all corners of Equestria. It would give hope to those without it, and remind Luna and her forces that her days were numbered. I smiled to myself.

Celestia was about to begin the ceremony. I heard the murmurings of the crowd. I thought it strange at the time, most other villages seemed to greatly respect and idolize their ruler and would usually instantly silence themselves once Celestia seemed to be prepared to speak. I filed it under unicorn differences and thought nothing of it.

But it was strange. The murmurings continued. It kept rising, almost to a fever pitch. Now we started to look around. What was going on? Celestia seemed to be as confused as we were. I had truly hoped it was nothing, and could chalk it up to unicorn differences again. We were in no shape to fight. What we needed was a good ceremony and a good rest to clear our minds.

It persisted though. I saw Celestia talking with some of the unicorns, asking what was wrong. I couldn’t hear what was being said above the noise. We struggled to regain control of the crowd. Some generals began to shout, but that only strengthened the noise. Celestia spoke in a booming voice, to silence them, using her Royal Canterlot voice as it was called. ‘If Canterlot folk are as rowdy as this all the time, I can see where the voice got its names from’, I noted to myself.

The crowd quieted, but only a little, and only for a moment. Then it began to rise even more, to a panicked state. Then even we could see it. ‘Up there!’ A unicorn shouted. But such a warning fell on deaf ears, by that time we had already saw it. Our worst fear.

It must have been hundreds, thousands even. Swarming through the skies. The sky to the west grew dark, far darker than it had ever been under Luna’s eternal night. Akin to a large cloud of black, but with movement within. It was if it was a large creature within itself, but each inch of its skin, each cell of its being was independent, and moving towards us at a strong pace.

A beast of war. It was shuddering. But we knew it was no beast, it was a large mass. An army clouding the skies in darkness. The sheer numbers they boasted. I had said before I had felt fear in my early days of battle, and before the battle by the gates of Canterlot. But if that was fear, than I knew not was this was. It was closest to a feeling of hopelessness. Of despair. I thought for certain that the streets of Canterlot would be my stony grave.

We were frozen in disbelief. This must have been the full intended force of the Nightmare army. Hours earlier was a hooffight between two schoolfillies over a sprouted potato compared to this. This. This was true, abject terror.

This was war.

The cloud kept advancing; it seemed endless. Wave after wave of Nightmarish darkbeasts. I looked to Starshine. He seemed just as transfixed upon the sight as I. Celestia too, kept looking up at the sky. But not nearly as long as any of us. She seemed to be the first pony to snap out of the haze. She began shouting orders immediately. It still seemed like a haze to me; the world was still spinning and I began to feel disoriented.

‘Bloody horseapples,’ I heard Starshine murmur. ‘I didn’t know the buckin’ things could fly.’

It was true. We fought mostly on land with them. Not once did they ever show any ability to fly. Perhaps, I suspected, it was all for this moment. To truly take us by surprise. And if that was their intention, then they very well damn got the job done.

I don’t know how we couldn’t feel them. At least, Celestia should have been able to feel their rotten presence,[evidence that Celestia works with the forces of evil] as any good-fairing unicorn on the side of light would[lies]. But perhaps this was another power they held. Or some kind of enchantment placed by the lunar princess so their presence could not be felt. Everypony at the moment was so exhausted, it would not be out of the realm of possibility that we could overlook such a thing.

I kept looking at the advancing swarm, stunned in disbelief. My friend reached a hoof to warmly touch my shoulder.

‘Courage, friend, courage!’ He whispered to me.

Amidst all the yelling, all of the confusion, I heard his words spoken clear as day. As if we were the only two ponies in all of Equestria, standing on the square of Canterlot. I looked back at him. His knees were shaking, and his body trembling all over from his mane to his hooves. At that point I couldn’t tell if he was speaking to me or to himself.

I smiled. ‘You seem to need to learn to practice what you preach.’

A brief moment of levity. It was needed; practically required.

‘Hey,’ he began, ‘I should hope you remember our deal.’

I looked at him, my eyebrow raised. “And I hope you remember we’re a few friends short of that by now.”

‘Yeah, I know, I know,’ he laughed it off, ‘but a Party of Two’s still better than a Party of One.’

Now it was my turn to laugh. Morbid, yes, but I appreciated the sentiment.

‘Hey,’ his hoof gripped against my shoulder more tightly, and his look became more serious. In the situation we were in, I’d say it was almost fitting. ‘We’ll be seeing each other again, y’hear? Whether on our own four hooves with a frothy mug of cider, or with everypony else up in the clouds, we’re in this together.’

‘Yeah.’ I nodded. I needed that. It seemed to snap me back into my senses.

“Alright, let’s give them Nighties a heck ova show!” he proudly exclaimed. Always full of energy, that one was.

My ears were ringing now, now able to make out clear voices in the heat of the moment. I looked up again, the Nightmare forces were still advancing. I don’t know whether it was their speed, or a trick of the mind’s eye, but they seemed to taking their sweet time to arrive, still some thousands of meters away. I suspected it was all in my mind; as soon as I laid my eyes upon their presence, my mind had been toying with the rest of the body, as if an idle plaything. I seemed to lack all sense of time and space; they were probably much farther away than where I had thought they were before, no, of course they were. The first I had saw them, they were but specks in the sky. But the detail, my friend, the detail! I coulda sworn I could make out every marking on their armor, every nick on their iron plating.

I paid little thought to how much actual distance lied in between us, all I knew was that their arrival, at least in my mind, was akin to a ticking time bomb. I cared not how much time was left on the timer, but rather, I was more afraid of the bomb itself. It would go off, and leave the world in flames. It was an absolute certainty.

At the moment, I roughly estimated, three, no, two minutes until arrival? Thousands of images rushed through my mind, more than half had nothing to do with the moment at hand, the divine hour. My mind had been cleared, but in concordance, it was not cleared as well. An uneasy peace I had made with myself, while simultaneously wracked with wave after wave of fear and regret. I had thought that my exchange with Starshine had calmed me, no, I wanted to remember that it calmed me. No’s circled my mind, like vultures they did. Pecking, gnawing at my brain. Starshine spoke of courage, and I wanted to be brave. But was I? Was I?

Celestia. Celestia’s words softened me, not yet malleable, but softening like putty. Dreams, worries, regrets, they vanished like a whisper in the wind. She provided structure, something to build my calmness around, and I embraced it, like a suckling foal. I didn’t know what she was saying, but slowly words began pouring into my ears, warming me with its nectar of tranquility.

Not that she was calm. Or not to say that she was as wrought with worry as the rest of us; she kept an authoritative tone in her words, clearly commands of battle. I missed around half of it, and I desperately hoped that that wouldn’t come around to bite me in the flank later on.

‘And to all ponies who weren’t listening,’ she shouted, still maintaining her Royal Canterlot Voice. I breathed a sigh of relief.

‘Seventh division, defend the helpless in the castle with all your might! Everypony else, come with me!’

We marched forward at a steady pace. We were not running thankfully, my hooves were too tired to attempt such a feat. We had moved many a paces forward towards the direction in which they approached. Troops broke away at various points, turning in all sorts of directions, even turning back to the castle as we marched from the center of the city toward the entrance. Ponies behind me shifted in position, symmetrical in figure and size. We were a large army, sure, but we were tasked to defend a large city too. I remembered seeing entire squadrons of unlucky ponies separate to fortified positions within the city, probably having to continue to march throughout the twisting catacombs of the city. I suppose the entirety of Canterlot needed protecting. But as I was on the front lines, I wasn’t sure who the lucky ones were.

And Celestia readied herself to speak. It was at that moment I saw row upon row of unicorns standing behind me, joined together with the row upon row of earth ponies armed with crossbows and arrows. I was surprised to see them standing with us; I figured they would be too tired and weary from their occupation to fight. But on the other hand, so were we. We were united in that sense I suppose. None of us were in the state of mind or body to fight, but there we stood. Not out of obligation, but of conviction. We were even more similar than I had previously thought.

It was silent again. The Nightmare forces moving closer and closer. It was a blade hanging over our necks, a reminder of the battle that was to come rather than a current threat, at least for now. But they were coming, brandished with weapons, bared to the teeth they were. But I pushed those thoughts aside for the moment, in another attempt to keep myself calm. At this point, ignoring them was the sanest thing to do.

I looked upon Celestia again. She seemed ready to speak.

‘Everypony,’ Celestia began, tearing her eyes away from the skies she was previously gazing upon with uncertainty, “there is no room for fear today.”

She smiled as she spoke, not one of joy, but rather of trust. ‘For I know that not one pony will fall here today.’

None of us spoke, but we were clearly taken aback by such a statement. Only our banners blew in the breeze.

‘I had made a heavy promise with each any one of you ponies. And I know the darkest hour is upon us, and I know it may seem that all times are lost. But we can’t fall here. Not one of us will fall here.’

The words effortlessly flowed out of her mouth, as if they were the most natural things to say. I know it seems strange as I looked back upon it, but I had a feeling of growing trust in her words.

Celestia put her hoof down on the ground gently as it fell to the floor. ‘For it is because of that promise we made. That we would take back Equestria together. And we will take our nation back together. And until that promise is fulfilled, we can’t fall here. We won’t fall here. We have ponies believing in us now. Believing in the sacrifices we’ve made, believing in the lives that were lost,’

She turned, with a solemn pause.

‘They believed in us because we are the ponies who stand. Stand for justice, stand for peace, stand for hope. A hope for a better day, a hope for a brighter tomorrow. And that is why we won’t lose this battle. All of us will celebrate at the start of the new day, in celebration of our victory. And we will celebrate once more once Equestria is ours as it rightfully should be.’

As she finished, the silent atmosphere remained still. We knew in our minds, that her words were little more than dreams, whispers of the heart. We knew, that there was no way no pony would fall; we knew there was no way that blood would not be shed at this hour. But our hearts refused to believe in reality. We wanted to believe. Believe in her words, believe in our assured victory. It echoed in my heart again.

‘We won’t fall here.’

I clutched the words tightly to my chest as I gripped my spear.

Starshine grinned beside me. ‘Well then, it seems those clouds’ll have to wait. I hope you’re a fan of cider.’

‘You bet.’

‘On my signal,’ Celestia shouted now, raising her left hoof into the air, ‘we fire.’

The unicorns prepared what I knew to be bolts of magical lightning. Thousands of balls of energy prickled and crackled with power in preparation for the moment. The archers loaded their crossbows loudly, and pointed it at the incoming enemy. The Nightmare forces still weren’t here, it would be a minute before they arrived. Celestia kept her hoof stretched in the air, bent at the leg.

I heard a familiar fizzing that I knew to be magic. It came from Celestia’s elegant white horn this time, sizzling in yellow light and power. A large glob of pure, alicorn magic power forming around the end of her horn. But it felt different than most magic bursts, almost as if it warmed me inside with a familiar feeling. If I had to place my hoof on it, it felt most like…

The sun.

After so long marching in the darkness of the Canterlot mountain, and the tepid night that still lingered over the city, it was a well-welcomed feeling.

Celestia’s hoof remained unwavering in its stance. She closed her eyes, breathing in and out. The Nightmare Forces were a few hundred meters away from the inner walls of the city. I was reminded of their number, their sheer scale of their might. But I remained calm, somehow, as a needed wave of calmness washed over me like ripples in a pond.

And then Celestia unleashed her spell. A surge of strength swelled through me. I saw it. A golden barrier forming at the edge of her horn, increasing in size and scope, as it began to envelop the entire city. Defensive in shape, but destructive in force, at least to its enemies. The few Nightmare force soldiers leading the charge were caught inside the barrier, and an in instant, were vaporized into the nothingness of which they came before my very eyes. The barrier kept on expanding, as the Nightmare forces turned to halt their advance. More and more of their forces were vanishing before them, and they made a hasty withdrawal from the region of the barrier, at least for the moment.

I thought of Celestia simply holding this barrier spell for the rest of the battle. We would truly be untouchable, and the city and all its denizens would be protected. But I knew that such a hopeful thought would be too good to be true. It was good for pushing them back, but it was not clearly built for long-term protection. It obviously took great effort to initiate such a powerful spell, and probably even greater effort to continuously maintain. Celestia did seem to be struggling, and some unicorns looked as though to help her. But Celestia had not yet moved her hoof from its position. So we all lied in wait.

The Nightmare forces retreated a fair distance away from the maximum radius of the spherical barrier, now fully encapsulating the mountain city of Canterlot. Even at such a distance, I could hear their snarls and hisses.

Celestia seemed to be under great concentration now. Her brow was sweating, her eyes pinching shut. She was gritting her teeth in pain, as if she was lifting a heavy object with her own two hooves. I supposed my previous suspicion to be correct after all.

The Nightmare Forces were cautious to stay away from the barrier beforehand, but once observing it was then at its maximum area and that Celestia seemed to be pushed to her limit, they inched closer and closer to the magical bubble, waiting for it to burst. But that moment never came, and they would think twice the next time they doubted our princess. For Celestia still had much more than that. In a flash, she opened her eyes. One more surge of powerful light shot from her horn and into the magical barrier. For a millisecond, maybe less, the barrier seemed to ripple in magical power. Then it burst, but not inwards as the dark forces had hoped, but rather outwards, releasing a shockwave of light in all directions. Covering a far greater area now, the forces paid dearly for their hubris, dissipating in the pure, magical energy they were engulfed by. And the light from that sudden shockwave of power persisted, lighting up the sky and warming our hearts with the golden colors of the sun.

Celestia had taken care of many a Nightmare soldier, and probably saved much more lives than we could count. But despite such raw power, they were still much more Nightmare forces alive, slightly dazed, but ready in an attempt to lay waste to the city, their forces still far outnumbering ours.

It was at that moment in which the solemn hoof raised forward with glorious zeal. ‘Fire!’

And so magical shots of multiple different colors shot in a flurry of directions. Like a rainbow, shining with the sun after the cloudy rain, they lit up the sky in a burst of power. And arrows soared to chase them in smooth, perfect parabolas, as they flew to reach their targets. I suspected that Celestia knew that in a battle against such numbers, we needed quite an early lead. To decimate as many forces as we could before the real battle began.

The flood of magic and crossbow bolts filled the air and did their jobs well, but it would be a while for the anti-air forces to recharge. And it was at that moment in which the Nightmare forces, a good distance away, but enraged enough to rush at us with greater ferocity than ever before, took their opportunity to charge at us. Some landed in front of us, knowing to take us down first to allow a greater influx of their forces to breach our walls. A large handful of lucky ones were already able to pass us, flying into the city. Celestia must have known this would occur, I think we all did. Despite our best efforts, the battle would take place throughout the entire city. I silently thanked Celestia for her foresight in fortifying our forces across the city.

I re-focused my attention to the Nightmare forces in front of us. I quietly reprimanded myself; I knew a lost moment of attention on the battlefield could be fatal. They began to rush at us, and Celestia let out a battle cry. The trumpets blasted around my ears again as we ran to meet them. I was surprised to see her charging with us, but in truth, it relieved me. Sounds of battle fought on the land and in the sky rang out in that moment. I knew the stakes. I knew the fate of Equestria hung in the balance here. The real Battle of Canterlot began now.”[205]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ahhh. I had a good time last night. So, what’d I miss?

Damn, that was quite a doozy of a source, huh? My hooves still hurt from filling those pages up. But when a girl’s gotta drink, a girl’s gotta drink. Work can be done anytime, but drinking is a one-time shot kinda thing. And believe me, I took many of those last night.

Where were we again? Oh yeah. Battle of Canterlot. I should hope that the source didn’t bore you too much to death (as it did me), cuz now imma ‘bout to bust out some of those classic Loose Change moves.

I probably shoulda explained this beforehand like I promised to in the previous chapters, and definitely before dumping that heavy load of a source on you like that, but I was kinda busy last time I was here. Which was…last week. What can I say, when Loose Change parties, she parties hard.

As the source made clear, the ploy I had hinted at in previous chapters was all building up towards a colossal showdown in the Battle of Canterlot. Celestia, in her campaign to free Canterlot, did fight an initial skirmish with the Nightmare forces to gain access to the city, but such a battle served only as preparation for what was to come. Their numbers were strong, sure, much stronger than they had ever faced. But the real purpose of that battle was to let the Celestial forces’ guards down. Once they felt as though they had won the battle, they would relax, making the further assault by the Nightmare forces so much more devastating.

It is commonly accepted that the so-called “initial skirmish” was the beginning of the Battle of Canterlot. That element of surprise what was shaped the battle in its eternal infamy, especially with the arrival of such heavy forces, and as noted, the forces’ skills of flight.

As I had stated before, many had doubted the logistics of such a plan, some arguing that Luna saw such an opportunity and grabbed it while she had the chance,[206] while others stated that she had been building up towards such a battle all along.[207] And the latter does make sense, the numbers on the Eastern frontier could have been purposely left small in order for Celestia to build her forces, forces which consisted of the very ponies who she would predict would be the first to rise against her. Unfortunately, what she didn’t count on was the definite influx of OP unicorn clones. But more on the clones later.

Going off the assumption that this was all in Luna’s plan all along (a theory I personally subscribe to; she was a freakin’ genius! Excluding all the stupid things she did in her return, but again, I’ll cover it later), once Celestia and the entirety of the rebellious forces were crushed in Canterlot, this would forever destroy all hope of future revolts against her. If the rebellion with the most force and potential was crushed, especially with its leadership placed in the hooves of Celestia, it would be devastate ponies across the nation, and would provide just the push she needed to destroy all semblances of hope as required from the plans in her New Lunar Order. By allowing the Solar Restoration many early victories, she would build up hope among ponies who heard of the news, and with their absolute and total defeat in Canterlot, any pent up optimism they still held would be wiped from the public consciousness for all time. Ponies would learn to be forever subservient to their tyrant, a certainty that Luna desired most to acquire.

Another factor in this theory, was the words of her loyal few pegasi and earth pony extremists. Obviously angered by the unicorn privilege enjoyed by the nation, they had many a reason to wish to see the downfall of their race from their high chair of society (which, I unashamedly also would like to see). Therefore, Luna’s choice of the penultimate battle in Canterlot would serve as a bonus; she would not only wipe out the Celestial forces, but would wipe the unicorn city and its populace off the map, destroying the strongest symbol of unicorn aristocracy there was.

To accomplish this plan of course, Luna would need absolute certainty of her victory. With the lessened amount of forces defending the east, most of the forces could be concentrated in the West and Central Equestria, allowing her to easily gather them up and attack as a unified force. While she had a quite a few squadrons stay behind to prevent the most susceptible towns from potential revolts, in essence, the majority of her Nightmare forces marched to Canterlot to ensure the city’s, the revolution’s, and Celestia’s, utter and total destruction. The Nightmare army was well-prepared for such a task, and even by the smallest of estimates, outnumbered Celestia’s forces three to one.[208] They were expected to completely overwhelm the city and its army, and lay waste to everything and everypony who stood there.

And by all means, their assault should have been successful. The largest battle in the history of Equestria took place on that day, and is why the Battle of Canterlot is held in such infamy today. Supposedly, the battle was quite action packed, and supposedly extremely cool (for any observers, it was actually pretty violent for the soldiers).[209]

With surprise aerial strikes from the Nightmare forces, Celestia bravely and steadfastly leading in an army of fiercely loyal ponies (in her trademark shitty way, I’m sure), and the dark forces’ attempts at pounding the city into submission, it is said in legends to be quite a sight to behold.[210]

But nopony would want to hear the details of that. You want to hear more about the boring politics, right? Heck yeah you do.

Besides, all that recollection stuff is like the premise to a crappy fanfiction. And if there’s one thing I can’t stand (it’s griffons and other creatures, but this too), it’s fanfiction writers. And hypocrites. But I think I mentioned that already.

Anyways, despite being outnumbered three to one, by some miracle, Celestia’s forces managed to pull it off. This miracle is heralded by history as evidence of Celestia’s strength and the wills of all the ponies who bravely defended the city united as one. And you know what I say to that. I’m gonna need a shovel, because somepony just dumped a hefty amount of bullshit on the footsteps of my apartment. And real talk, if you know who these ponies are, please contact me right away. They’ve literally been doing it for years. IT’S NOT FUNNY AFTER THE SIXTEENTH TIME SO STOP IT ALREADY. MY APARTMENT IS NOT A CESSPOOL FOR SHIT AS MUCH AS MY DETRACTORS WOULD LIKE YOU TO BELIEVE.

Returning to the focus here, all things considered, “miracle” or not, Celestia really should have lost outright. In the words of historians, perhaps it was due to Celestia’s power and her great leadership in conducting her army to fight off the invaders.[211] Or better yet, in my words, perhaps she was just hax.

I mean, she practically had god mode enabled (note the use of the word “practically” here) and she had an army of elite unicorn clones. Tell me that’s not hax.

The strength of the Nightmare Forces was admittedly weakened by the fact that Luna chose not to lead and fight with them. A hotly debated topic across historians was whether or not this decision could have directly altered the course of history, but again, as interesting as it may be to consider such a dream, I waste no time in wondering what could have been. I waste time in analyzing the here and now.

Luna’s absence here was most likely due to the fact that she was choosing to avoid direct contact with Celestia, which was understandable. After all, she thought her presence was not a necessity; she assumed her overwhelming forces and odds in her favor would allow her to win. And rightfully so; she should have won.

It’s just a shame that she was playing against a cheating cheater on the server. And that’s why I never play against hackers. Or self-proclaimed gods. But honestly, those things aren’t usually mutually independent. (I’m looking at you l33tm00na. Fk u. 1v1 me fgt. no scope. final dest. no itms. fox only.)

And with that, Celestia had forever turned the tides of war. Unfortunately, the Celestial forces had ultimately won, with the remnants of the Nightmare forces retreating and routing. Of course, her forces had faced some astronomical losses, which was to be expected from such a tremendous battle, and olden Canterlot was left in near ruins. But her surviving forces were still strong and plentiful in number (especially once considering the newly added unicorn reinforcements, and the large number of clones), and most of all, they were ready to continue to fight. Celestia raised the sun above high and proclaimed the day as the holy victory of the Solar Restoration. Hope spread across Equestria as the sun’s rays were fully experienced by all, no matter how faintly it was felt, but its message was clear enough. Celestia had returned, and she was coming to save Equestria. Celestia sent out a message across the land, proclaiming that her forces would soon march and confront Luna, to end the war once and for all.

It is with great sorrow that I must end my recounting of the Equestrian Civil War, Celestia’s greatest humiliation, in the next chapter. But if it’s any consolation, I’ll be describing Celestia’s heart-wrenching choice she was forced to make to end the war once and for all; a decision that would forever haunt her days and crush her soul for the hundreds of years to come. So I’ve got that going for me I guess.

Chapter 22: Götterdämmerung - Twilight of the Gods, Clash of the Celestial Sisters

The Battle of Canterlot had more significance than one would think, not just in history in general and turning the tide of war into Celestia’s favor, but in affecting the west as well. Luna’s success in Canterlot was supposed to be a shining beacon of her power; she had put all of her eggs into one basket, and counted on the battle’s success to wipe out Celestia’s forces for good. But leave it to Celestia to mess up her plans, as she just shit directly into the basket.

For Luna was controlling knowledge in such a way that would even make her sister proud, if it wasn’t for the fact that, y’know, they were in the middle of fighting a civil war with each other. Luna knew of her sister’s return, and successfully was able to keep the knowledge of this a secret to most of the populace in Central and Western Equestria. As she had exerted the most control over these regions, it was not difficult to accomplish her control over communication, and the Solar Restoration remained little more than a rumor, albeit one that was strongly believed by many.

But with her defeat at the Battle of Canterlot and the return of the sun, shining from the “heart of Equestria” and spreading across the land, everypony in Equestria knew of what had just transpired. Their “true” princess had returned and was fighting to save them.[212]

Before, the majority of the pegasi military were disbanded, and were forced not to intervene by the strong Nightmare force occupations in their major cities. Thanks to their vicious reinforcements, the strict curfew set up by these dark forces, and after months of no word of Celestia’s return (during the time when she was still gallivanting in the Griffon Republic), they began to lose hope.

Of course, Luna, in all her strategic intellect, knew of this, and while the flames of hope were not completely extinguished, she knew the chances of an armed pegasi uprising was excessively low. With this in mind, at the height of the depression sweeping the pegasi cities, she was able to send most of the forces defending the west to assist in her trap to ensnare Celestia at Canterlot. It was not as though she was as foolish as to send all of her forces away to Canterlot, there was still a strong number patrolling the pegasi cities, at least far more than there were initially in the East.[213]

In retrospect, knowing the resolution of the Battle of Canterlot, weakening her occupying forces in the major Western cities was kind of foolish. But hindsight is 20/20. Luna’s reasoning was probably that if you’re gonna go all in, you gotta go all in. And she thought victory was ensured at Canterlot, and that because the pegasi had no hope, they would not raise any huge problems. She had believed that once the battle was over, and the ensured victory at Canterlot was achieved, her forces could return to occupy the major cities, and she could begin her plans for a post-Celestia Equestria.

But the opposite had happened. The battle was won, but for Celestia’s forces, and the sun began to shine once more.

This spelt trouble for her regime. The pegasi knew that Celestia had returned, and that she was surely coming, given her current location in Central Equestria. It would only be a matter of time before Celestia’s forces returned to free them as well.

With this knowledge in mind, the pegasi began to rise up in revolt, the flaming fervor of hope igniting the city in revolution. Given that most of the Nightmare forces were defeated and routed at Canterlot, the strong numbered, yet scattered remnants of the pegasi military far outnumbered the Nightmare forces remaining in the west. As such, the pegasi were able to begin their revolt with little hindrance.[214]

At this point, Classical history had said Luna, knowing the war was lost at that pivotal moment in Canterlot, began to go insane. Luna’s insanity could be seen as soon as she started speaking in even more arrogant terms, with the number of evil laughs she would perform per day increasing from estimates of 2-3 to 17-18.[215] Sources state that she began to loudly proclaim (at least more than usual) that all of the atrocities that were committed during the war were necessary for her divine right to rule, as if she was attempting to convince herself that she was doing the right thing. Lunar apologists argued that this insanity stemmed from the inner good still inside Luna beginning to appeal to her senses, creating cognitive dissonance. The fight between good and evil in her heart reignited at this moment, and her mind was paying the emotional toll.[216]

Of course, while it seemed that the war was won for Celestia, not all was entirely lost for Luna. There were still a few Nightmare divisions scattered across Equestria, and the surviving forces from the Battle of Canterlot, while routed, tired and defeated, could still fight.[217] It would be a last shot of desperation, but it was one that Luna would surely take. Knowing that Celestia would come for her in the Royal Castle, she would gather as many of the remaining Nightmare forces as she could to defend herself and vanquish Celestia’s forces once and for all, at one last battle near the fields of the Everfree forest.

Luna still saw the war as practically lost at this point, as Celestia and her armies, now reinforced with more and more ponies with her conquering of the remaining unicorn cities, continued to streamline across Equestria towards the castle. And the pegasi forces had revolted against her, recaptured key strategic areas in the west, and had their own forces fly east to reinforce Celestia.[218] Celestia from the east, the pegasi from the west; Luna knew that any further attempts at continuing on the war would only fulfill the age long premonition of her Unicornian predecessors. A war fought on two fronts, one that she could not hope to win.

So instead of fighting a lost cause and continuing to spread her forces in cities she knew she could not hold for much longer, she summoned all her forces at the castle, the one last heavily fortified position in which she held. Truly she held a shrewd, strategic mind, and was the most intelligent, and might I add, greatest, of all the alicorns.

But the gathering of all of her remaining forces for one last fight was not one to turn the tides of battle, but of one last hurrah. She knew that while the pegasi forces were coming, it would still be a while before the strong, yet surely exhausted pegasi forces were able to reach Celestia in time, which may have played a role in her decision not to flee west, but to stay in the castle, according to traditionalist scholars.[219] She instead focused all her efforts on the incoming eastern forces; her goal, to defeat as many of Celestia’s and the pegasi militaries’ forces as possible in the fields, and to claim the life of her sister in the process.

Most popular historians claim this as an act of anger and desperation, to take down as many ponies with her in her spiralling defeat as she could, instead of knowing when she had lost and surrendering gracefully. But I see it as Luna staying brave and strong-willed (unlike a few other alicorns I know), continuing to fight in her last stand; to take down the evils of Celestia down with her in one final confrontation. For she knew that even if she was defeated, if Celestia was killed as well, no pony alive (at least, for all the higher levelled unicorns did not yet know how to rise celestial objects, despite having the potential to do so) would be able to raise the sun again, causing her moon to remain in the sky for millennia to come. And she surely counted on the fact that with Celestia’s fall, a better ruler (better in this case, is an auxiliary adjective. Literally anypony could be a better ruler than Celestia) would rise to rule instead.

It’s at this point when some of you may be asking why I choose to continue to support Luna after what she did to Equestria, and why I continue to scorn Celestia. After all, while Luna had only a handful of anarchist earth pony supporters, Celestia “supposedly” had all of the rest of the remaining earth ponies fighting for her, in numbers that far exceeded Luna’s earth pony supporter numbers, at least in accordance to the words of primary sources.[220] “If so many earth ponies were willing to support Celestia, wouldn’t you turn to Celestia’s side too?”

Well, first of all, never speak to me in that demeaning tone of voice again. This is my time to talk. IT’S LOOSE CHANGE O’CLOCK. And to answer your idiot question, that’s because I’d rather shove forks into my eyes before I speak a word of praise or support for Celestia. After what she did to me. After what she did to my dreams. I’m gonna need another drink to wash away the sad.

I probably sound like a broken record by now, but every word from those sources are lies and fabrications. Despite obvious and popular consensus. Celestia is EVILLLLLL I tell you! You just gotta believe me on this one.

And besides, so what if she does (assuming if those sources are telling the truth) have a few earth ponies fighting for her (again, something I heavily doubt, for as I said, us earth ponies’re too smart to fall for her tricks). Have you heard of the “One True Scotspony” way of thinking? I strongly prescribe it. Ask your doctor if it’s right for you today. And if he says that’s just a popular fallacy, pop him in the nose and loudly yell he’s a lying quack. And just keep yelling, despite any attempts from the staff to calm you down. Brandish his scapula and hastily yell the alphabet backwards if you must. That’s what I did and I turned out fine. Once treated for the multiple bruises I sustained when hospital security tackled me down. Police brutality at its finest, a courtesy that I can obviously thank Celestia for. And I think with that little anecdote (among many others) you can see why I clearly can’t support Celestia. And also why I don’t go to hospital therapy anymore.

So in conclusion, I’ll continue to support Luna’s stint as Nightmare Moon to my dying day, no matter what “facts” and “sources” are thrown at me. It’s all I’ve got.

Celestia’s forces marched to confront Luna at the castle, and were met with the remnants of the Nightmare armies on the fields near Everfree. Unicorn academia already named the battle before it even begun (typical, arrogant unicorn scum, impatient to bask in Celestia’s glory); the Battle of the Everfree fields. As seen by this, while the unicorn academia were pretty obnoxious, they were certainly not creative.

The Nightmare, though weakened, were still strong in number. Their forces, at least numerically, were still extremely large compared to most other strong armies (see: the Equinus forces), with perhaps Celestia having a few hundred more soldiers. Of course, one must consider that the Nightmare forces were now in the disadvantageous position. Most of their forces were weakened by their defeat in the Battle of Canterlot that had occurred only a few days prior. Many were tired and had just arrived from the west as reinforcements, and most of all, nearly all of the Nightmare forces knew that this battle was little more than a formality of revenge; they had already lost, which was probably killer for their morale.[221] Celestia on the other hand, had the clear advantage in front of her. Her armies were pumped for the final battle, knowing that the Nightmare army in front of them were all that stood between eternal darkness, and victory and peace. So obviously, though some were still tired from such a demanding march from Canterlot to the Royal Castle, their morale could not have been higher, and they were prepared to triumph.[222]

But Luna had a few last tricks up her sleeve. Taking example from the glorious Discord, she made hasty negotiations with a few of the monster forces, who had good reason to despise Celestia, as she unfairly ended their fun of raiding pony towns. How did Celestia do it again? Monster STI’s or something? Whatever. With their agreement of supporting Luna in this final battle, many monsters were prepared to ambush the forces in the Everfree forest surrounding the field, to provide that extra push needed to defeat as many of the Solar forces as possible. Another demonstration of Luna’s keen, strategic mind; using her surroundings to her advantage.

So the so-titled, Battle of the Everfree Fields began. I’ll spare you the boredom of having to read more pages of a long-ass source. It’s hard work ~~copying~~ properly paraphrasing their words you know, and I don’t think it would accomplish much to hear the ramblings of a pony long dead, give or take a thousand years, and his experiences of battle.

The Nightmare forces fought valiantly (bless their hearts. Or bless something; they didn’t have hearts after all. But it’s the thought that counts really), but were indeed suffering from the aforementioned disadvantages they faced. Even as Celestia led her stupid hax clone troops into battle, curiously, Luna was nowhere to be seen.[223] Perhaps she didn’t want to risk early defeat, after all, if she appeared on the battlefield, she would be an open target for their entirety of the Celestial forces, and more importantly, she would have to confront her sister. So Luna once again stayed hidden in the shadows. Whether this was a smart move on her part is something historians still argue to this day, as while it was a good move to avoid battle, on the other hand, her presence there, like in the Battle of Canterlot, could have turned the tide of battle around.

But it was most definitely smart. Because Luna, by default, is always smarter than Celestia.

The battle continued on those wide fields, and each side threw all they had at each other. Dark and brightly colored bolts of magic streaked across the battlefield, as if an eternal rally, not ceasing for a moment.[224] It of course may seem strange now, but once the Everfree was not as large as it was today. There were multitudes of trees, sure, giving many a place for a monster to lurk, but this field in particular was much like a wide forest clearing, a perfect place for a final confrontation. A big open field, with more than enough space for two such mighty armies to clash, but with heavy forestry lining its perimeter.[225] Of course, if you were to try to find the monumental spot where this battle was fought, you probably wouldn’t be able to. The Everfree forest, with its dark magic, had continuously expanded for the last hundreds of years, and as such, no such clearing exists. Only more and more trees and magical plant life had taken its place.[226]

I bring this up now in order to return to Luna’s last monster ploy. Celestia’s army was slowly but surely turning the tides of battle, and it would only be a matter of time before they completely overwhelmed the Nightmare for good. The monsters lurking in the forest perimeter, were not large in number, but rather in size. Forces made up of creatures such as manticores, giant cockatrices, and non-sassy sea serpents, who apparently could travel on land; their sheer mass alone could prove to be the trump that the Nightmare forces needed.[227] One might even wonder how they were able to hide themselves in the forest so well with regards to their size, but imma just gonna chalk that up to Luna’s magickz.

And so it happened. At the closest moment for Celestia, almost clutching victory in her hooves, the monsters appeared as if from nowhere and enclosed the solar forces, taking them by surprise.[228] Including the remnants of the Nightmare forces, it seemed as though Celestia’s army was fully encircled, surrounding by all sides. Celestia probably could have done something to defend them, at least that’s what traditionalist historians say,[229] but it would have been excessively taxing on the princess, who, while leading her army into battle, needed to keep the conversation of her power in mind, for her eventual final confrontation with Luna.

Being slowly and slowly driven into the center of the field by Luna’s forces, it seemed as though while the battle was obviously not yet lost, Luna had dealt a massive blow in strategy to Celestia.

Or at least it would have. Or it at least it SHOULD HAVE. Goddddd…DAMNIT CELESTIA! You had to have been cheating again, I just know it!

For at that pivotal moment, in what historians cite as the “Miracle in the Everfree”,[230] the pegasi forces of the west arrived to reinforce them. Luna had predicted (correctly, as I should add) that it would at least be a couple more days before the pegasi forces could arrive. But SOMEHOWWW they arrived not only on time, but with perfect timing. Wouldn’t it have been nice if they arrived once Celestia’s forces already lied beaten on the ground? That’d make for an interesting factoid in history. Or at least it’d make for one heckova of plot twist in this story we call Equestrian history.

But no. History attributes their arrival as their strong will and desire to help out their princess in her time of need, as if to apologize for their own failures and inaction in the west.[231] After all, pegasi were known for their speed, and it did make sense that they would have the drive to rush to reinforce Celestia as fast as they could. But I still call bullshit. It’s too convenient. And if there’s one thing I hate (among many other things), it’s convenience. It just stinks of conspiracy. Which is why I’ve been eying that new 7-Eleven that opened up in Canterlot. What foul secrets do you hide, with your polished white floors and dispenser of ice and colored syrup?

So the pegasi, arriving in heavy numbers, representing the remnants of Celestia’s once proud military, struck like a cannon, clearing a large path between the monsters and Celestia’s forces, with their advantages in the air. While Nightmare forces did utilize a few aerial tactics during the Battle of Everfree Fields, most had remembered their utter defeat by the unicorn/earth pony archers anti-air forces, and remained relatively close to the ground.[232] So it was now the Equestrian forces turn to take the Nightmare by surprise, especially the monsters, who were ill-equipped at attacking foes in the air, especially those with such speed. It was probably as difficult as swatting a fly. A fly armed to the teeth with crossbows and spears of their own.

Breaking free of the surrounded perimeter of monsters attempting to enclose them, the Celestial forces united with the newly arrived pegasi, increasing their forces at least by 45%.[233] The pegasi forces were of course, tired from their long flight over, but on the other hand, so were the Nightmare forces. All Celestia needed now were strong numbers, united in will and spirit to defeat the remnants of Luna’s armies, and now she had that. So earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi were all united as one fighting force, attacking the Nightmare and monster armies in one final clash. Some of the Nightmare forces, in desperation, possessed the body of a few of the more intimidating monsters (yeah, apparently they can do that now, who knew?), doubling their strength and rage, giving them a more devastating body to take control of. But against such heavy numbers and (supposed) unity of the races (something, I again, heavily question, but I’ll just roll with it for now) they provided to be little more than a short-lived obstacle.

After a few hours more, the remaining monsters routed back into the forests, bruised and beaten, and the surviving Nightmare forces turned to follow. The battle had been won.[234]

Celestia rose the sun once more upon the battle’s conclusion as a sign of their victory. But there was still one more thing that needed to be done. Celestia knew it to be true. And she insisted, in accordance with her promise, that she would face Luna alone. While most of the generals saw this to be a bad idea, they knew they could not change Celestia’s mind. And after all, if Celestia did intend to turn Luna back onto the side of good (something that one would obviously doubt, but sisterly love blah blah blah whatever), marching into the castle with the entirety of her army would not be taken as an act of good will. This was something she insisted, and intended, to do by herself.[235]

So Celestia went alone. She told her army to rest in the forest, and no matter what, not to follow. She told her generals not to fear if the sun would be blotted out by the moon again while she was gone, as she predicted Luna would do something like that during their confrontation. But if the sun did not rise once more within an hour’s time, they would then know that she had failed.[236]

Celestia went, well rested, probably taking a brief nap after the battle (as most of her forces did, the battle took half a day to complete at least). She removed her armor, her battle decorations, and flew to the palace, a spitting image of her normal appearance.[237]

On Luna’s end, at the moment before Celestia arrived to confront her sister, Luna’s emotions were waging a heavy battle inside her heart. She (apparently, according to Celestia’s “history”) had desperately wanted to become good again, to take back everything she had done. Inside her mind was still a “lonely and scared pony princess of the night, who just wanted to hug her sister again and have her say that everything would be alright”.[238] While Celestia had stated before that she would have “forgiven her sister immediately, and take the weight of her sins as well (as she surely would have to, for the Equestrian public would not be so forgiving for Luna’s actions), doing anything possible to help Luna return to the days of good and happiness (good and happiness of course being a stretch, this was the First Polonium Age we were talking about), Luna didn’t know this. She perhaps thought that after everything she had done, there was no way she could turn back. She would have to complete her road to destruction.

But her emotions still were raging strong. A smart part of her was surely fighting to return her to the light (tsk, evidence of Celestia’s poison. If your heart wants to stay as the good Nightmare Moon, you should listen to it. Don’t let Celestia tempt you away from your great destiny), but the other parts, made up of anger and fear urged her to give in. And this fight did not go unnoticed by the retreating Nightmare forces. Some of the ones who still held the most strength saw this to be a perfect moment to take advantage of her. They were weak, and retreating back to the darkness in which they had lurked before, but perhaps in their own anger over Luna’s failed promises, they had sought to receive a toll. Her pure alicorn power.

The Nightmare forces were smart; while they held individual selves, they could also think as one. They did not want to leave, their tails between their legs (at least if they had tails) in defeat. If they could take a small prize, in this case, Luna’s free will and power, then they could convince themselves that their tremendous sacrifices were not in vain. And with such a prize, one day, they could rise and defeat Celestia again, permanently. So in an attempt to forever vanquish the good, and to strengthen the dark in Luna’s heart, turning her over to their side as their permanent queen, they completed Luna’s union with the darkness. And it was at this moment, in which her appearance, changed drastically to become more “villain-like”, for lack of a better adjective. She had gained even more power, under the Nightmare’s possession and by embracing the darkness in her heart, and it was this appearance that her formerly self-given name, Nightmare Moon, is most recognized for. She had given herself that name much prior to this, but at this moment, she was unquestioningly, irrevocably, Nightmare Moon in all her glory.[239] And damn if it wasn’t beautiful. I wish I coulda been there. I’m pure for Larry, but I’m sure if I saw her at that moment, I’d be getting a little frisky if you know what I mean.[240]

Celestia bared witness to her sister’s final transformation. Before, knowing of the “good” still in her heart (how she felt it, iunno, the “force”?), she thought that with her arrival, she could help Luna win her inner struggle of light and darkness. But with this ultimate transformation, and the ultimate eclipse that came with it, she knew that any last hopes of redeeming her sister had vanished into the night sky. Celestia knew that no more words could be spoken to get through to her sister. Now was the time for battle.[241]

It all came down to this. The climactic clash between the two princesses. Ravaging emotions, love against hate, sister against sister. What the last couple of chapters had been hyping up, what the Civil War itself was building up towards. The final confrontation. With the eyes of Equestria, as well as the ever watchful gaze of history upon the two, and everything building up towards it, surely it must have been a battle to end all battles. But of course, reality lets us down again, ‘cuz it only lasted for three minutes.[242] Not counting the minute in which Celestia just laid on the ground defeated as Nightmare Moon laughed loudly in the night sky.

Sure their struggle caused the abject destruction of the Royal Castle. If I were an English teacher, I would overanalyze and say that its destruction symbolized the complete annihilation of the childhood bond between the two sisters; how their past love for one another was destroyed by evil and jealousy. But I would never overanalyze like that. And I never will. I don’t rely on overanalysis, I rely on pure, Brita filtered normal analysis. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Move along, move along.[243]

According to history, Celestia was holding back. For while Nightmare Moon’s love for her sister was totally gone, it did not mean Celestia’s was. And it was this continued love for her sister that caused her to stay on the defensive in an attempt not to hurt Luna, which allowed her to be beaten back by Nightmare Moon’s raw power.[244]

Yeah, sure. Whatever. And your dog ate your homework too, huh?

Anyways, as Nightmare Moon celebrated her victory, by giving a minute long maniacal laugh for no pony in particular, Celestia had one last ace in the hole. The ace that would win the war. The ace that changed history before, and would do it once more. The ace…of spades. I mean the Elements.

With that, Celestia knew to use the Elements to defeat her sister; it was the only power she had left that could win against Nightmare Moon.

It was not as though Luna was too stupid to know to hide them, although, I will say in the only critique I have against her; she could’ve at least gone the extra mile to hide them in a more secretive place. But it seems as though that’s a common problem for “villains” of Equestria, if Sombra and the Crystal Heart are to be considered as well.

Buttt…it’s not as though their admittedly terrible hiding spots were completely stupid (notice I do say completely); they had good reason to believe no pony could ever get the chance to wield them. In Sombra’s case, he did not think any Crystal Pony would be free enough to reach the top of his tower, especially as this was during his hard-on for stairs, placing stories of them spiralling into the sky.[245] And for Nightmare Moon, it was just that she did not think Celestia could wield them all. After all, sealing Discord was a two-pony job. But Celestia, of course, seems to keep secrets from everypony, even her most trusted of family. For as she continued to rule over Equestria, her dark power grew stronger and stronger, until she could most definitely wield all six of the Elements on her own, secretly.

This then brings up the question, how did Celestia find them so fast? Even though they were like, barely hidden, locating them should have at least taken some time. Well, I’ll answer this real quick. Celestia, as the eternal dark mother, constantly emits dark magical energy that no pony can touch, feel, sense, or see, and as such, is completely unfalsifiable (a sign of legitimacy in my eyes), and would attract such instruments of dark power to her very twisted essence; leaving the task of finding them and releasing them to be a cinch.

I’ve already covered in Chapter 10 the reasoning behind Luna’s sealing into the moon, but let’s cover some of Celestia’s blatant lies covering this up. Supposedly, as the Elements represent “friendship” (friendship of my ass more like it), her “love” for her sister allowed her to seal Nightmare Moon peacefully into the moon, removing her as a threat to Equestria and to herself.[246]

But let’s examine this now. I’d hardly say that during such a difficult moment for Celestia (even though she’s probably soulless, I’m sure that even such a heartbreaking action would give her reason to pause) that she would be in any kind of friendshippy mood at the time. If anything, she was destroying friendship by forcefully banishing her longest friend and family member to the moon, so how in the wide, wide world of Equestria could the Elements have this power? Obviously, it couldn’t be friendship, which acts as further evidence that my dark magic Elements claim is not only legit, it’s leegit. Truly I am the smartest, sexiest, and most powerfullesst pony of all time! How could Larry not love me, amirite?

And with the end of that, Celestia raised the sun once more, signalling her victory. Her forces in the Everfree rejoiced, the free ponies across Equestria celebrated, and Celestia returned with a triumphant appearance. But inside, Celestia was sunk in defeat, and an aching pain would remain in her heart for the next thousand years. She would never cry again in front of anypony, as now was the moment of victory, but she surely cried on the inside.[247]

Supposedly, some had speculated that she wanted to make Equestria shine (and as I had recounted in Chapter 9), she wanted to make a land where she and her sister could live in peace. All of her actions, everything she did, she did it out of her love for her sister. In the last few years, she had forgotten about this, and placed other matters before her, but now, in those last moments, she only realized the truth once it was too late. And now her sister was gone, to be sealed for a thousand years in that eyesore we call a moon, and a dulling pain replaced her in her heart. A pain that would define generations, ending the Civil War era, and bring in a new age.[248]

I hope you had as much fun recounting Celestia’s greatest failure as I did. It was a rockin’ rollercoaster, with twists and turns (especially once Celestia began conveniently winning), and I threw up while on it more than once (due to my weeklong hangover after that crazy party), but let me just say, at least it ends on a happy note. At least for me.

There’s still some stuff I gotta wrap up before I can completely “close the book”, so to speak, on the Equestrian Civil War. Tie up a few more loose ends, laugh at Celestia’s failures and sorrow, you know the drill. So let’s get to it.

Chapter 23: The Spoils of Victory – Thunderhide, Recovery, and a Post-War Equestria

While the war was essentially won on the day when the eternal night was vanquished by the morning sun, many continued issues, remnants of the war if you would, needed to be quickly laid to rest before the “healing” process could begin. You know the type of healing I’m talking about. Those quacks who “say” that this medication will help, but they’re secretly sneaking in nanomachines into your body to record everything you say and think, and kill you slowly from the inside out. And don’t go telling me that Equestrian medical science hasn’t advanced to that kind of point yet, and that you don’t even know what the hay a nanomachine is. You don’t know secrets like I do. That’s a fundamental truth.™

So anyways, Luna’s forces were pretty much defeated, Nightmare forces and monsters alike fleeing back to the darkest parts of Equestria, while the strongest of the Nightmare was banished alongside their princess to the moon. While Celestia had ways to keep the monster population in check (and she suspected that with the Nightmare leadership gone, the monsters would no longer pose any immediate problems for now), she still feared the power of the Nightmare. For while they were defeated and fleeing, they still held the greatest threat to the future of her regime, especially once their full capabilities were taken into consideration.

Celestia declared the war over of course, but she put her now excessively massive army, made up of earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi alike, to work, sending different squadrons to capture as many of the escaping Nightmare forces as they could.

Luna’s righthoof pony, Thunderhide, who was named the regent of the West during Luna’s rule at the castle and was essentially the ruler of the pegasi during the western occupation, was defeated and was imprisoned during the pegasi’s revolt after the Battle of Canterlot.[249] Interestingly enough, it seemed that while the pegasi, weakened by the continuous Nightmare presence in their cities, still had it pretty much better off compared to the rest of Equestria, with a greater food supply and resources in general.[250] In fact, many pegasi apologists blame Luna for her poor wager at the Battle of Canterlot, as the severe weakening of forces in the western cities, as well as the populace’s subsequent morale boost once seeing Celestia had won the battle spelt utter disaster for Thunderhide’s stint as ruler. But to them I say, “How dare you insult O glorious Luna!” It wasn’t her fault Celestia was a filthy cheater cheater pants. What adds insult to injury is the fact that she doesn’t even wear pants. That’s how filthy of a cheater she was.

But all could agree that Thunderhide was among one of the most complex players in the Equestrian Civil War. From what is known now, he did not exactly agree with Luna’s ideology, but rode off her coattails, seeing her regime as the best way to remove Celestia from power. For apparently he was one of the pegasi who was still angry about that whole “major losses in life during the Crystal War” and the “blatant disregard for the pegasi sacrifices made” or something, and blamed Celestia for the initiation and the poor conclusion of the war. Another one of those thinking ponies who actually could think before accepting Celestia’s victory propaganda as truth. Along with the whole supporting Luna thing, I’m starting to like this guy. Shame he wasn’t an earth pony though, I guess that means we could never truly be friends.

He originally joined Luna as he thought that Luna was the best way for him to make change in the nation’s structure for the betterment of his pegasi brethren, as he saw Celestia’s structure as corrupt and incapable of change; needing to be destroyed before Equestria could be reborn. In this manner, his ideals can be have said to have been along the lines of the radicalists who Luna won over to her side early on as well. The only difference seems to be that while Thunderhide “eventually realized he had traded one princess for an even worse one”251, the radicalists were perfectly fine with it, and believed that as long as their own ideological ends were achieved, they could justify any of the means.

Nonetheless, it seemed that he had stuck with Luna, not out of loyalty, but because he believed perhaps he could change her. Even under some of Luna’s more (in historian’s words) “questionable” actions (eg. the Eternal Night), he tried to ensure the best for those who lived in the regions of Equestria where he ruled, perhaps under his own self-held honor, or as an apology to the populace for his own missteps.

Not including his rule in the west, he also aided Luna in constructing many of the preparatory war plans, probably once convincing himself that he could change Luna once Celestia was taken care of. This was a role he was far better at; he had one of the keenest military minds, along with strong battle experience, especially once taking his leadership role in the Crystal War into account. The only reason why he himself did not fight on the front lines and lead the Nightmare forces himself was his age; he was at least over eighty at the time of Luna’s rebellion.[252] But he still heavily contributed to the war effort, sending letters detailing strategy and battle plans to Princess Luna. While he did seem to slightly question the logistics of the plans for the Battle of Canterlot at first, he, along with the others, later agreed that with such numbers, it would be an assured victory.

Some military experts even go as far to say that if Luna did not hedge everything on the success of the Battle of Canterlot, and instead took a more traditional method in war, in accordance to Thunderhide’s early strategies of pragmatism, the war may have gone a very different path.[253] Of course, as I had previously stated, her reasoning behind the orchestration of the Battle of Canterlot was not without purpose, as a traditional war would not yield the fruit that Luna sought at this time. Canterlot was meant to end all hope in Equestria for good.

Thunderhide previously thought that he could change Luna once the war was won; he took some of her more ~~crazed~~ sensible actions as stress gained during her warring with her sister. He reasoned that once Celestia was defeated, he could approach a slow realpolitik strategy in convincing the princess towards a more balanced rule. But with the defeat in Canterlot, and Luna’s subsequent placement of “in” in “insanity”, he knew he placed his bets on the wrong horse.

In accordance to this, his handling of the “Revolt in the West” was jumbled and suffered from little strategy. In truth, even with the limited Nightmare forces in Cloudsdale in which he resided, he could have put down the revolution if he had properly militarized his troops as part of his original contingency plan. But realizing the will of his populace, and that any hopes at change in Equestria were dashed in Canterlot (very fitting), he allowed the revolt to succeed, and surrendered to the pegasi forces shortly after.[254]

Dang, I’m losing track here. I thought I cut all that backstory crap back in Chapter 21. Okay, anywho, with Luna’s banishment to the moon acting as her punishment, Thunderhide was forced into trial on account of his actions during the war. Yes, Luna’s defeat and sealing in the moon was all well and good (to Celestia only. I would never say that under any normal circumstance), but the public demanded justice. And Thunderhide, along with the rest of the captured radical extremists and mutinous generals, as the next in command, were an easy target.

Plans for Equestria’s reconstruction were currently still being worked on, and they were still taking into account the supplies and stocks for the rebuilding effort. Of course, Celestia put an emergency program into play to provide food and shelter for those who severely needed it (probably slipping in some primitive nanomachines in their food at this time, as evil takes no breaks) in the worst stricken parts of Equestria as a temporary countermeasure as the planning continued. But at this moment, most of Equestria was encapsulated by their “Trial at Fillydelphia”, towards the end of 1010.[255]

Historians say that the trial was interesting in that Celestia gave the defendants a chance to actually speak, in fact, even more than she gave her sister during her own trial. These ponies were facing war crimes and treason charges, and the fact that it wasn’t simply a show trial baffled historians, especially taking into account the gravity of their actions. But of course, these historians are all fools. It was a show trial. It’s always a show trial with Celestia. She’s one tricky fuck. And I’m sure many a stallion in Canterlot can vouch for that statement; she does have that rowdy unicorn blood in her after all.

Celestia “supposedly” gave them a chance to explain, something that some more of the monarchist historians (aka, the most morally reprehensible. Who would actively support Celestia? Ew.) found especially surprising, as these extremists had more than enough time to spout off their ideologies on the nation stage for all to hear. Apparently she wanted to “understand her enemies, and why they did the things they did. [Celestia] wanted to learn from her past mistakes, and listened to the problems of others more intently. She wanted to give the silent the chance to speak, but more importantly, give them a chance to be heard.”[256]

Revisionists considered it to be a misstep by Celestia, as this would cause later ideological struggles and radical thinking further down the line, but these monarchists say that such an action was simply “a testament to the graciousness of her highness; that she would give the chance to hear the words of such deplorable and terrible criminals in order to uphold the principles of justice and the fundamentals of good that Equestria represents.”[257] And to that I say, into the trash it goes. It, being a pronoun for your opinions and your books. I think the Canterlot library would actually thank me for it. You know, if they ever found it was me who stole ‘em. But they could always place a thank you letter or something in the newspaper. For as I said, it’s the thought that counts.

Some revisionist monarchists (an utterly ridiculous title, I know) even suspect Celestia’s allowance of these ponies to sprout their ideologies as part of her own plan. They believed that she was not so foolish to think that allowing them to speak would not lead to political problems in the long-run (in which I rebuke that one must never underestimate the stupidity of Celestia), but rather she endured it to punish herself for her foolishness, and allow Equestria to decide its own political future.[258] And to that I say, that’s the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book I’ve ever heard. But I suppose such a possibility wasn’t totally out of the question (in this case, it seems as though two wrongs do make a right after all), ‘cuz as the former unicorn whore she was, her having some sadomasochistic tendencies would not be completely out of the question.

Such a conclusion is of course, strongly criticized by revisionists and monarchists alike (what), citing that Celestia would never take such a political risk after returning stability to the intensely fragile nation.[259] So Celestia’s reasonings behind this remain another mystery of history.[260] Of course, traditionalist historians (jeez, another faction of history?) tend to lean towards the monarchist’s side of the whole “Celestia attempting to understand her enemies”.

I’m just fastballing all of these theories so you can see all the sorts of different beliefs historians hold, and the disagreements they have. For nothing is absolute in history. No matter who, what, or where, there will always be an alternate theory, another way of seeing things. That is what many say is one of the greatest principles of history; the sheer number of differing opinions that historians steadfastly hold.

And then that’s where I come in and throw all that crap out, because my beliefs are the only ones that are actually important. Celestia did so ‘cuz she’s the über dumb. Next!

Thunderhide became a clear scapegoat (scapegoat (n.) a being considered only slightly better than an actual goat.[261])by the public, due to his role as the highest ranking member of Luna’s surviving rule, the Nightmare forces notwithstanding. When given the chance to speak, he had made “no apologies, for he knew exactly what he had entered once he took arms against Celestia”, but instead made his case for the “change that Equestria needed to undergo, in racial and ideological terms”.[262]

“He knew he had no chance of public redemption, nor did he attempt to seek it. He likely knew of his fate; he was an old pony all the same. But in his last recorded words, he had attempted to make a lasting mark on the world, and in impassioned speech, made his beliefs clear for all of Equestria to see. To see why a pony as previously beloved as him would choose to take such drastic measures, and why the old Celestial system could not be upheld.”[263]

On a total sidenote, do any of you know where I could find a pegasus feather? Living in Canterlot, it’s pretty rare to see any pegasi around. I mean, there are a few who I see around Canterlot University. Heck, my professor technically is a pegasus himself. But, how do I say this lightly? He has the kind of face that makes me want to jab forks into my eyes before I approach him for a favor. Maybe I could slip something into his drink and snatch a feather from his wing then? I suppose that would be possible.

I also need a bright rainbow’s glow, whatever that is. Do you think Skittles® would do the trick? I mean, they’re already packed with “SUCH INTENSE FLAVOR” and have “THE TASTE OF THE RAINBOW IN EVERY PIECE”.[264]

Moving right along here, Thunderhide’s speech towards to the betterment of Equestrian society sparked something in many of his former pegasi supporters. Before, they considered him a hero, and to see the measures he took, the depths he would sink to, in order to accomplish the morals he steadfastly believed in, struck a chord in many. In fact, many pegasi historians cite this as the revival of pegasi nationalism, after its initial quelling in the Classical Era.[265] While the growth of the movement would be slow, its very existence was one of the many changes in post-war Equestria. For as Luna and Thunderhide had wanted, with their defeats, came a new age, in which the populace would no longer be so accepting of Celestia’s words, and began to think for themselves, especially with the many political opportunities that were laid before them in the trial. They would love their ruler still (ugh), but she could no longer brandish the control she had before.

It was this moment in which the trial was best known for, and it was for this moment in which the trial still holds significance in history today. As for the actual logistics of the trial itself, historians noted that Celestia was surprisingly lenient, much to the chagrin of some of her still more fanatic supporters, choosing instead to banish Luna’s little cabal under maximum lifetime house arrest for their crimes.[266] Despicable as always. What kind of sick monster are you Celestia? Why not just slit their throats too while you’re at it?

With such cruel punishment methods, Celestia truly welcomed in a new age, one where increased police brutality and the “might makes right” ideology rang true. Take some kinder lessons in punishment from your predecessors, like the Equinus Republic, or dare I say, the Griffon Kingdom. What can I say? If there’s one thing I can agree with those griffons about, it’s that beheadings bring nothing but joy. Cuz anything would be more merciful then to be forced to continue living while Celestia is still in power. In fact, as Celestia’s rule is essentially suffering within itself, why doesn’t everypony just die? No, I mean it. Literally just beat yourselves senseless with a waffle iron. It’s more merciful than this state of eternal suffering we call Celestial rule. You know, everypony except me. And Larry. Because we’re enlightened you see.

While Thunderhide too was sent to maximum house arrest, he died little more than a few weeks following the trial.[267] Some pegasi historians hypothesized he might have been assassinated, as his sudden death was extremely suspicious.[268] But most say that it was probably due to the stress of the past years, as Celestia would not have much to gain by killing him in such a manner once the damage was already done.[269] In fact, most postulate Thunderhide may have actually purposely set up his death to seem suspicious to ensure his martyrdom, and strengthen his cause among his supporters.[270]

But enough of all that. With all that political stuff over, Celestia only had to mop up the remains and consequences of such a taxing war.

On a military sense, the Equestrian army (still rather large in size, at least compared to the military-apartment classification system I hold) continued their missions against the Nightmare continued as usual, with more captures every day. Eventually, within a span of a few months, all the known surviving Nightmare forces were rounded up and locked away in Tartarus), bringing an end to the military remnants of the war.[271]

Thankfully, instead of choosing to wipe them out completely, Celestia placed a powerful sealing spell that would supposedly hold forever, to ensure their imprisonment (along with the imprisonment of all the other dark beasts there), and, as an added layer of protection, had an assortment of loyal “holy” beasts she had befriended (like a goddamn Cerberus. How anyone can say Celestia isn’t aligned with the dark is beyond me), guard the entrance to prevent further escape.[272]

With all that in check (at least for the moment), Celestia adjusted to life in her castle in Canterlot (which was somewhat damaged, but not to the extent as the rest of Canterlot. I wonder why.[273]), choosing to rule there from now on instead and abandon her previous castle, which would continue to stand in ruins to this day. Her reasons for this change in location was that not only was the castle too unstable and dangerous, and its rebuilding as a waste of resources, but also that the castle “held too many painful memories for her there”.[274]

Now focusing on the national-social-structural side of things, Celestia finally proposed her reconstruction plan, and allowed many of the tired recruits to finally return to their homes and assist with the reconstruction effort.

“Celestia always would talk in such a strong, grandiose tone, with words such as ‘overcome’ and ‘rebuild’. I did not worry for Equestria; I knew that with our glorious majesty back on the throne where she belongs, Equestria would indeed pull through. I was more worried for our princess herself. She held a strong image for her citizens, to return as a beacon of strength that the nation needed at the moment. But I knew that Luna’s actions and banishment must have hit her especially hard. She would never cry in front of us again, but she would retire into her room once her duties were done and isolate herself, hours on end, for many a sleepless night.”[275]

SQUEEEEEEEEhem. Sorry about that. There’s just something of Celestia in pain that makes me feel all tingly inside. Getting back on track, Equestria began to rebuild, falling back to the tenants of the Three Point Plan of longs past. It was, of course, not as efficient as that plan was (which speaks loads of this plan’s inefficiency; as I said, the Three Point Plan sucked pretty hard, its success due to historical embellishment).

Historians say that this was because “while the citizens understood the importance of rebuilding, the war had hit them far harder than under Discord, perhaps on a psychological level. The reconstruction was completed indeed as expected, give or take a few extra years to return Equestria, and Canterlot in particular,[276] to its architectural glory, and reformulate the nation’s infrastructure. But while ponies everywhere rejoiced the end of the war, they had lost a certain innocence with its passing; the optimism that shaped the Classical Era laid scattered with the wreckage of the past.”[277]

And indeed it did. Equestria lost its innocence like a poor drunk earth pony, seduced by a slutty unicorn tramp. But that would imply it had innocence in the first place. No, it lost that a while back, once Celestia groped the living heck of it centuries ago when she first took power. Equestria now was more like a newlywed unicorn bride, maintaining to her husband that it was her first time in the honeymoon suite, when in truth she secretly lost her true innocence longgg ago. I’m glad I’m mature enough to move past such sultry temptations unlike those stupid unicorns.[278]

Anyways, all this analogical similes aside, Equestria indeed entered a new age. The Classical Era was long finished, and the Civil War that followed it was over too. Equestria: next stop, Conjunction Junction. I mean Millennial Stagnation Station.

Chapter 24: The Millennial Stagnation – Equestria in Stasis

The Millennial Stagnation Station was a new period in Equestria’s history, and among the longest, lasting for, you guessed it, one thousand years. What, you want to get a medal or something? Get outta here.

Sure, history was able to break it down into several subsections, splitting it into delectable chunks of sugary sweet historical goodness by event significance. Technically, the last century of the Millennial Stagnation wasn’t really considered to be a stagnation (by some only. I can assure you that under Celestia, Equestria will always stagnate and die; alone, drunk, and unfulfilled, in a puddle of its own urine), so technically, the Millennial Stagnation couldn’t really be called a “Millennial Stagnation.” Again, history could take some lessons from me in naming. Try perhaps the “Nonacentury Stagnation”, or the “CelestiaEVILEVIL FROM HER BIRTH TO FOREVER Stagnation”. Doesn’t it just roll off the tongue?

The Millennial Stagnation (I’ll concede for now, only because it’s less letters to write than my suggestions) is another point whose exact timeframe is still debated by history. It seems that historians have difficulty reaching consensus on this, with many splitting the millennium as they saw fit. Some considered the restructuring period as its beginning, while others believed it began once the rebuilding was over, as that was when the true stagnation begun. But no matter how you see it, you can’t argue it existed. Until now.

Yes, once again, in my radically different yet all-revealing history, imma gonna argue contrary to all them idiots. The Millennial Stagnation never existed. And you’ll see why in a moment.

Well maybe I should rephrase that. Yes, Equestria was in a new age, so I shall continue to title the age as the “Millennial Stagnation”. But it’s a name I keep only for clarity purposes. For as I just revealed, the “Millennial” part of the name was a lie, and as I shall reveal now, so was the “Stagnation”.

So the Millennial Stagnation (when I say that, don’t think of it as a literal Millennial Stagnation, but rather as an age simply called the “Millennial Stagnation” for no real reason in particular) was indeed its own thing, and was characterized by Celestia’s political funk,[279] Equestria’s inability to return to or surpass its Classical levels of glory (in the eyes of historians), and the social unrest of Equestria, specifically in the pegasi and earth ponies, at the time.

Equestria rebuilt itself, the nation had resources to sustain itself, yada yada yada. But there would be some changes brought on following the war. Many of which, as I said, would also serve to further characterize this age.

First let’s cover the military, as I can also cover some of the pegasi crap there. Following the Last Roundup campaigns of the Nightmare forces, most of Celestia’s war forces returned home for the reconstruction that I had aforementioned. However, there were still many a pony who stayed behind and intended to join the army permanently.[280]

Maybe that thought that had nowhere else to go? Or felt bonded to the friends they made in battle, and vowed to serve their princess for the rest of their lives? Or, as the more likely possibility, these were the clones that I was talking about. After all, no sane pony would want to spend their lives serving Celestia when they could just go home. Besides, where would the clones go from here anyways? Back into the pool?

The Equestrian military was going under quite the upheaval upon the Civil War’s conclusion, especially keeping the results of the Trial at Fillydelphia in mind.[281] The remnants of the URINE forces and what remained of her Civil War forces were essentially reformed into a new army, the Protective Pony Platoon, which stands to this day.[282]

The PPP? A little inappropriate, don’t you think?

Anyways, the, pfff, “PPP” was made up of all three races, and was further divided into unique subsets. The most famous of which, Celestia’s Royal EUP guard, still serves to this date as well.[283] Of course, the PPP and by extension, the EUP guard, were of course, somewhat different than their predecessors. Most notably in that they were built upon Celestia’s greater reliance on clones. Yes, there’s no “real” sources on this or anything, but c’mon. What sane pony, given such a tremendous army-building resource, wouldn’t use it to its full potential and manipulate it for their own ends? Unless you’re implying that these mirror pools are only used for fun one-off shenanigans. Which is an utterly ridiculous sentiment and will be ignored starting now.

Not only was this “clone restructuring” done because of their ensured loyalty and powerful skills (clone deterioration notwithstanding), but there was more to it than just that. After all, like all things Celestia did, there’s always a hidden agenda. Obviously while only a minimal number of pegasi generals actually rebelled, Celestia understandably would have some distrust over the past pegasus monopolization of the forces, especially knowing that many pegasi would be inspired by Thunderhide’s speech. Therefore, Celestia under the guise of “fairness” ensured that all kinds of pony would be allowed to die in a blaze of glory under her name, effectively allowing earth ponies and unicorns to volunteer for the army as well.[284] And what was even better, was that the unicorn guard was mostly filled with the clone veterans, ensuring that she had unicorn spies infiltrating the army (as they would obviously stay eternally loyal to Celestia as long as they lived), allowing Celestia to secretly observe the pegasi’s actions. For these clones would inform Celestia of any possible future pegasi-military insurrections, as well as fulfill the “equality” clause of the PPP without actually needing to risk any of her pure-blooded prissy unicorns in an actual combat situation.

Of course, apparently sources agree that many unicorns supposedly volunteered readily to help their princess in her dire time of need.[285] But…let’s just pretend they’re clones right? It makes thinking so much easier for me. And I don’t like overworking my brain too much. It’s starting to hurt when I think too hard, and I’m starting to get more and more nosebleeds. Maybe some more of Larry’s smart pills will do the trick.

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OH GOD WRONG PILLS WHY DOES LARRY EVEN HAVE SO MANY VIAGRA PILLS WITH HIM WHAT SHOULD A MARE DO IF SHE HAS AN ERECTION LASTING OVER 4 HOURS OH LAWD CELESTIA HELP ME

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Ahem. The newly made General Firefly (or fyre flye in accordance to the Old Canterlot way of spelling); the replacement of General Thunderhide, was known for her heroics during the war, especially in her leadership in initiating the pegasus charge into the Everfree Forest and her crazed appreciation for Celestia (which is most likely why she was promoted in the first place).[286] But she is more remembered for another role of hers, which began when she volunteered to put on an air show to boost the morale of ponies during the restructuring period on the first anniversary of Luna’s defeat.[287]

Of course, Luna’s banishment was not exactly a cause for celebration for Celestia (since she was still in her “silent grief” stage), but she had to maintain her façade for her citizens and herself, and so the first ever “Summer Sun Celebration” took place.

Her team’s aerial display was responsible for the formation of the Wonderbolts, a subset of the pegasi army, whose duties surmounted to little more than flybys for children’s birthday parties, I’m sure. I would go into the history of their formation, but it seems as though every pony and their mother already know it by heart, especially if they can make plays and uniforms about it in a minute’s notice.

Eventually, Celestia would go pretty crazy on the whole “eternally loyal clone thing”, and would make some earth pony and pegasi clones join the ranks as well. After a while, the normal pegasi presence would begin to be overshadowed; the bulk of the army now replaced with mirror pool clones of unicorn, earth pony, and pegasi origin alike.

While Celestia’s placement of these spies to infiltrate the formally uniquely pegasi army was a diabolical move on her part, it had a side effect of increasing pegasi unrest. For even though the pegasi were pretty dumb, they weren’t as dumb as the unicorns (and of course, both of their races’ intelligences combined is still less than half of us earth ponies’; that stupid earth pony brain study notwithstanding). They surely noticed this racial integration; more specifically, these clones slowly taking their place, and as expected, started getting pissed. The creation of the Wonderbolts was also possibly a concession to the pegasi military, but the pegasi’s slow loss of majority in the PPP was not lost on them.

As seen in history, pegasi were always prone to the sin of pride, boasting “We’re Numbah One” and doing triple keg stands upside down on clouds.[288] Which is why they’re my second most hated pony race, behind the obvious unicorns (alicorns don’t count, they’re just cosmetic differences). With this in mind, the pegasi’s seeking of more power was understandable.

They didn’t want a new country or anything, but they wanted more pegasi in power; a greater political representation, if you would.[289] This would be problematic, especially given the established unicorn aristocracy’s staunch refusal to relinquish any of it. And Celestia obviously couldn’t have this, for as said in chapter 12, it would threaten her balance of racial power that was needed for her regime.

While she would be willing to make weak-willed concessions (as we’ve seen; the creation of the Wonderbolts), she could not totally undermine the structure which helped her maintain her hold on the throne. And it was this failure to live up to the words of Thunderhide that caused anti-Celestia sentiment to grow, silently but surely.

Slowly too. Did I mention that? This pegasi movement was strong, but took many a century before it had any noticeable impact. You would think ponies who would pride themselves on their quickness would get a headstart on something like this.

Historians specializing on past pegasi society state that,

“While they were unhappy with their Princess, they still did love and respect her. It would take a while before Thunderhide’s words would truly take root, they would eventually grow into an uncontrollable problem. It was an absolute certainty. And Celestia knew this as well.”[290]

So with that military/pegasi stuff out of the way, which will be returned to after the pegasi nationalization movement really picks up steam, I can cover some of the political and economic factors that historians say defined this era’s stagnation, and then chew their words up and spit it back in their ugly faces as I prove them wrong.

Politically, yes, there was the appearance of change. Celestia began taking less and less of an active role in politics, slowly isolating herself from the rest of the nation (except when absolutely required of her, such as the “morale boosts” during reconstruction, and the Summer Sun celebration).[291]

She was supposedly in her “grieving phase”, not wanting to show her weakness to her citizens who needed her strength, therefore choosing to spend more and more time in her room alone.[292] Which, by all means, is perfectly fine with me. Less of Celestia is always a good thing.

With this, the radical propagandist policies and her cult of personality of the Classical Era dramatically shifted into a less, how should I say; obnoxious form. As Celestia began to close herself off from the rest of the nation, it would only make sense that her regime could no longer continue to pride itself on her godlike strength. With this, certain freedoms came with it; governmental control over communication and news lessened, and all external ways of thought control slowly began to dissipate completely.[293]

But I’m ahead of the uptake from all you morons. Yes, supposedly, one would think I was quite pleased with this; Celestia began granting greater freedoms to Equestria. However, I know that such an action was only made for appearance’s sake.

While all obvious forms of control were removed, the subtle forms not only remained, but grew stronger as a result, spreading its roots across all of Equestria like a silent weed. The thought police, the paranoid police, the hidden messages in breakfast cereal boxes; all of these secret ways of keeping us ponies in check only increased as a result.

Celestia probably only rid herself of obvious propaganda to give an appearance of concession to those demanding change; to make it seem as though she had heeded Thunderhide’s words. But it was all a sham; a fascade. Celestia was like an ~~ogre~~ onion. She has layers you see. Not like layers of complexity, but more like layers of EVILLL! Like on the outside, she maintained her strong appearance, in an attempt to convince the nation that their glorious leader was still strong. But on the inside she was grieving over the loss of her sister and her failures that led to all of this suffering (this most delicious layer of all). But inside that was another layer, one that secretly wanted to keep her secretly evil and secretly manipulative methods at full, secret power. Secret.

All in all, while it seemed as though Celestia had changed, in truth, she really didn’t. She never does. And she never will. Which is why a well thrown javelin to the back of a certain pony’s head could be the answer to all of Equestria’s current problems. I hope that pony I paid off for the Equestrian Games keeps his word.

I will admit though, that while Celestia’s inner methods of control remained, the disappearance of her external methods still made this “stagnation” the best era ever for Equestria under Celestia’s rule. For Celestia began to take a back seat to politics, and we would all benefit from that. Of course, she still manipulated certain things, but as a whole, she left many things untouched, which would allow Equestria to flourish as a result of its new freedom from its oppressive ruler. Ya know, until Celestia busts out of her angsty state and places Equestria back in deep shit again.

With Celestia’s non-interventionist actions, Equestria began to move towards an isolationist policy, like its former neighbor, the Crystal Empire.[294] You know, the nation that Celestia previously attempted to open up, which caused a bloody war which acted as a catalyst to the even worse Civil War, and had a net result of causing it and all of its citizens to disappear into the cracks of time? Yeah, hopefully Equestria does better than that.

And it did. Not only in the political spectrum, but in the economic spectrum as well. For despite data that said otherwise, I have found a source that said that Equestria’s economy not only flourished during this period, it flourished exponentially.[295]

Equestria’s new isolationism, and reliance on itself theoretically should not have changed the country as dramatically as the other 99% of the sources say. For Equestria was always rather isolationist, only opening up to its griffon neighbors once it was a greater power than the sorry nation. Some historians say that it was because of Equestria’s “lack of economic change in a changing world” that the “stagnation” could fully take hold.[296]

A certain historical economist (holy frick, that’s actually a thing?) can be quoted as saying,

“As soon as Equestria was back on its hooves, [she] should have opened up wider to the world, not only drawing more heavily from her newly established relationship with the steady Griffon Republic, but by seeking help from some of the flourishing smaller pony nations to the east; loss of political presence on the world stage notwithstanding.

This may have been humiliating before especially in regards to the Griffons, as Griffo-Equestrian politico-economic relations a scant years past consisted entirely of the Griffon Republic’s sole reliance on her Classical-level economic power. However, bowing [her] head in shame and asking for help from the weaker nations or establishing stronger inter-trade connections with them, while seemingly foolish on an immediate political standpoint in terms of the balance of power, would have been benefited Equestria tenfold in the long run. Such an international system of trade would have completed the ‘economic revolution’ Equestria needed to sustain its postwar self, and allow herself to evolve along with the times.

But it was the official power base in Canterlot, who foolishly held to their newly-restored pre-war pride with the ‘return to normalcy’ in a post-war world, and refused to ‘sink to such a point’; a decision that Equestria would suffer for. And with the princess’ own grieving period, her absence in these political meetings only heightened its detriment; an effect that can be owed to the loss of Celestia’s wisdom and good sense.

For with the Celestia-absent government’s decision to crudely stick to the system of the past, it ensured it would fall far from its former status, especially with the tremendous costs of the post-Civil War reconstruction efforts; an economic dip that Equestria would not fully recover from. An immediate rethinking of the system of old was needed in this new age, and the lack of progress or change made in this regard ensured Equestria’s continued stagnation.”[297]

And in response to that excessively boring block of test, a certain historical genius can be quoted as saying,

“Fuck you. I’m not reading all that.”[298]

So by following its whole “isolationism or bust” policy, Equestria, instead of pursuing other economic opportunities (like, I dunno, maybe gold mining?), chose to shut down all potential losses of revenue, instead of using them as a basis to open new gains.[299]

Cuz it’s all about the gains brah. Lift errynight and erryday. Not me though, I prefer sitting down on my sofa and eating Cheetos off my stomach. But there is a certain beauty in watching Larry carry all his heavy crap by himself after the donut shopkeeper is anonymously alerted to his presence and kicks him out from his box-home near the back dumpster. That’s the kind of manly conviction I like to see, if you know what I’m saying.[300]

Back on track now (that’s a lie, this train of love has no brakes), Equestria chose to cut off its promised trade agreements with the griffons.[301] Not really trade agreements I suppose, rather more like its promises to provide necessary resources to the steadily growing nation at large subsidies to allow them to return to economically flourishing levels.[302] These trade agreements, made shortly before the Civil War, were expected to take full precedence with the completion of the war, and the Equestrian reconstruction that followed it.[303] But with Equestria’s sudden refusal to honor these agreements once reconstruction efforts were completed, there would obviously be some political fallout from this.

Celestia was still in her moody, “I-wanna-be-alone” state, so she didn’t have many objections to the decisions that the unicorn ruling class made (as she wasn’t exactly present in many of these meetings for many of these post-reconstruction years), even if it was essentially blowing up the bridges she had been building for the last couple of years.

Were the Griffons super pissed off about this, especially as it occurred without so much as a warning or a formal apology from the princess, who seemed to disappear from the political stage? Sure. Did this cutting off of Griffo-Equestrian trade policies deal a massive blow to their own restructuring? Of course. But was this great for the world as a whole? Absolutely.

For the pro-Equestrian griffon ruler, Valorua, was forced to resign in shame, being scapegriffoned into accepting the blame for this betrayal, which paved the way for a harsher, more by-the-numbers ruler, Chancellor Papillon.[304] If they were in a buddy-cop action-comedy film, he would totally be the tough, plays by the rules kinda griffon, in contrast to the goofy, yet lovable cop pony actress who rakes in the big bucks at the theater. Like a good cop-bad cop sorta situation. Which fits this perfectly because Papillon may or may not have been evil. Or at least that’s what all the books say305. In my graciously intelligent, wise, and humble opinion, I’d say he deserved a posthumous Clover Peace Prize for all his work in the field of ethnic cleansing.

For without continued Equestrian support, in the Griffonzillania Republic, or whatever the heck the nation’s called, Chancellor Papillon took more radical actions to support the Griffon’s rapid growth efforts, the most infamous of which were his food saving plans and a greater initiative on agriculture, to support the now rapidly growing griffon population.[306] Known as the “Great Pounce Forward”, the plan was a spectacular failure, and was responsible for the mass famines that would overtake the nation. Some even theorized Papillon purposely orchestrated its failure as part of his plan to grant himself more and more power to “stabilize” the nation, eventually allowing himself to be crowned supreme emperor fifteen years later.[307]

And the Griffon Republic eventually became an empire again. What is this now, like the 56th one? And now you can see why I honestly couldn’t give two shits about griffon history, it’s like someone’s just recycling plots at this point. It’s like poetry, it rhymes.

Celestia’s actions (or rather, lack of action) in dealing with the Griffon Republic…Empire…thing was viewed as an indirect cause to the crisis. Of course, most place the blame on Papillon for his, planned or not, incompetence in the management of the Great Pounce Forward, and many defend Celestia in this, saying that after Griffon trade lines were cut off, so were any form of political communication, so Celestia would have no idea of the Griffon’s suffering until many centuries later.[308] But nonetheless, Celestia’s political withdrawal and absence in the world stage, no matter how slight, was the catalyst for the mass starvation and millions of deaths that resulted from it in the Griffon Republic.

And that’s something I can say I respect. Seriously, one of the only good things Celestia was able to accomplish in her regime was only achieved due to her not doing anything. Quite a curious correlation we have here, no?

While most would condemn the voicing of my positive opinion over a famine that killed millions of innocents (what? It’s a free country, or at least it would have been if Celestia wasn’t still alive), a totally certified griffon academic source had personally told me,

“I don’t think [the mass Griffon deaths were] that’s enough. [They should have killed much, much] You are going to have to pay me more, Miss Change.”[309]

See, even trusted griffon academia* sees the famine in a positive light, so I’m not (as big of) a bigot like you claim.

To close off the economic side of things, Equestria, ignorant to the suffering of the Griffons, were able to free themselves from the “trade agreement burden” (as the Celestia-absent government had called it), and the unicorn ruling class expected their economy to quickly return to Classical Era levels.[310]

But it didn’t. Sucks to be them.

Or at least that’s what most scholars say. As you know, I’ve always had my doubts about Classical Era numbers and its accelerated growth rate, and called them into question by branding them with my “historical embellishment” stamp of justice. So by-the-by, no matter what historians say, what facts they spew out of every bodily orifice, I will make the bold (and truthful) claim that the Stagnation/Classical economic numbers, once all the bull is cleared out with my eyes of truth, were in fact, mostly the same. Because of this lack of actual change or economic detriment, this essentially proves the falseness of this so-called “Stagnation”.

Anddd, even if I’m somehow wrong (which I, for some reason, doubt incredibly), I would say a small dip in our economy is a great price for indirectly causing the deaths of millions of dirty featherclaws. For other great deals and more, check out some of our great coupons at Genocide ‘R’ Us.

"Our Vision is to put knives in griffons’ hearts and a smile on pony faces."[311]

With nothing new and Celestia still probably in withdrawals, probably consuming more cake by the ton than usual, Equestria was stuck in a period of inactivity. But not a stagnation, as I’ve said. Just nothing really that interesting happening I guess.

There was some other bullshit in which Celestia, in an attempt to ameliorate the angered bourgeoisie, and to an extent, the rest of the population (who were starting to feel ignored by their princess in her absence), started an extended family program (which may have also been an attempt to fix her own loneliness and guilt for banishing her sister), in which members of high class would be chosen to receive titles as her many “nieces and nephews”.[312]

While the main goal of this was to keep the upper class satisfied (whose happiness was what the regime’s lies depended on), it was also done to provide the nation with the appearance of Celestia’s presence. For while these “relatives” were given no real political or ruling power, their very existence alone gave the impression that they represented Celestia in her absence, even if they were just figureheads313. This definitely satisfied the unicorn populace, with many now trying to present themselves as more favorable to the princess in their own attempts to gain these positions.[314] But, by choosing only unicorns to fill these positions, it would have a negative effect on the already dissatisfied pegasi and earth pony groups. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t do anything drastic for a few more centuries.[315]

I mean sure, there were dinkly earth pony protests, especially owing to the fact (as I had said), us earth ponies really did get the short end of the stick, and the slow “questioning Celestia” postwar movement, but they were quickly put down and/or ineffectual.[316] You might say this was a huge leap in the politico-social realm, as Luna and Thunderhide were achieving what they had initially planned, but to that I say, whatevs.

Of course it’s great that us earth ponies (and by extension, pegasi, I suppose, who began short-lived protests as well) were starting to rebel against Celestia, but in all honesty, these events got little more than thirty participants.[317] And while it’s great that we’ve got some numbers, I’m afraid I won’t be entirely satisfied until I see Celestia’s head mounted on a pike above Canterlot. I’ll just have to keep waiting then. But it was a step in the right direction at least.

Historians say that these protests were another sign of Celestia’s losing of control, and the shift away from the Classical Era. For most would never think of rebelling against Celestia in pre-war times, but with the many radical changes in Equestria with the Lunar Rebellion’s conclusion; Celestia’s rule, while still universally loved and respected (gag me with a spoon), could no longer be seen as absolute. And this would be another sign of Equestria’s stagnation.[318] While I support this anti-Celestia movement, I again strike this factoid from contributing to this “false stagnation” thing these historians keep trying to push. It’s not gonna happen so stop it. The stagnation was a lie and you know it.

Celestia continued to isolate herself for a couple more centuries, which of course, would not do her in favors in quelling the slowly growing dissent, or in doing public morale any good to push Equestria away from “stagnation”. I mean, sure, she would appear in celebrations in which an appearance was expected (eg. the Summer Sun Celebration), but ponies were expecting their ruler to have a greater presence during these difficult times. While most historians do say she was a tremendous leader (blechk), and her continued absence would only hurt her nation which needed her strength at the time, most white knight historians jump to her defense and say,

“As the Equestrian Civil War has reminded us, Celestia may have been our goddess and leader, but she was still just a pony at heart as well. She could not be expected to be faultless in this matter; the loss of her sister would of course need time to heal. The fact that she was able to continue to stay strong through those tumultuous times of the Civil War, watching ponies die on the battlefield because of her own self-perceived failure, and the reconstruction period that followed it, was a testament to her inner strength itself.

When we needed her to be strong for us, she was. But there was only so long she could maintain that façade, and she needed time to recover. In this context, the Millennial Stagnation, and the faults that came from it, could not have been said to arise from Celestia’s weaknesses, but rather, it was an eventuality; delayed from being forced to stay strong for so long.”[319]

Ya know, I heard rumors that Celestia during this period, all sad and lonely, sought comfort from elsewhere. I heard she was getting action from King Sombra. But you know what, there are so many flaws in that story that I’m not even going to try. I only bring it up because it makes Celestia seem more sad and pathetic. Celestia’s booty call. Have you ever heard of something more pitiful?[320]

While it seemed that Equestria was forever doomed into continued political and economic stagnation (to which I say, ONCE MORE, did not exist), discoveries in science were not deterred. For there was one discovery made that would break Equestria out from its stasis. This moment, coinciding with Celestia decision to finally move on (which was what, more than nine centuries later?) was commonly recognized as the moment in which Equestria transformed itself and broke free from the shackles of the past.

Let’s talk about love. Let’s talk about hope. Let’s talk about railroads.

Chapter 25: Road to the Modern World – The Booming Century

As I said before, the last century of the stagnation, known as the Booming Century, ended the economic and political “struggles” of the past. With the creation of the railroad, this effectively ended the Millennial Stagnation, and allowed Equestria to start doing stuff again.

So then why in blue blazes is the booming century just a subset of the Millennial Stagnation, and is forced under its umbrella name? Well, historians said that technically while Equestria’s economy improved from pre-1910 levels, it never reached the same heights as Classical era levels, so it was still a stagnation.[321] And while Celestia began to be more open in politics and accessibility (during her search for succession, will be covered in due time), technically her sister was still banished at this time, so it’s still a millennial stagnation.[322]

But wading through all this bullshit, I know the real reason why it’s called that. As I said a million times before, historians just suck at naming things. They would rather keep a name that made no sense and bullshit their way an explanation for its shitty name than be forced to think of a new one. And to that I say, whatever. For I ~~bullshitted~~ justified the reasoning behind the stagnation’s name last chapter anyways (that under Celestia, everything is a stagnation), even though I did admit that the Stagnation was the least stagnant out of all of Celestia’s eras. Things are just funny that way, huh?

So blah blah blah, if this is a sub-era of the Millennial Stagnation, whatever. As I said before, I only keep the Millennial Stagnation name because it’s easier to write.

Before the creation of these railroads, the transition to this Booming Century was defined by Celestia’s gradual return to the political sphere. Equestria finally began trying new things to improve the economy (possibly because Celestia finally awoke to the “stagnation” that her country was undergoing); the most significant of which was shifting from its fiercely isolationist policy into a form of imperialism.[323] To accomplish this and give the country the “boost” it thought it needed, Celestia finally began to establish some new foreign relations, and by that, I meant she began to establish colonies in the east through force.[324]

You might think that I would be against such an idea, because the very concept of imperialism was based off the unicorn ideals of superiority and manifest destiny; belief in their “right to rule”.[325] And you would especially think I wouldn’t want any other creature to be forced under Celestia’s subservience; truly the cruelest punishment anypony could go through.

But you would be wrong. For I am a pony who is filled with love and tolerance, and fully respect all new opinions.

In truth, this indifference is mostly due to the fact that I hate all other non-pony animals wayyy more than I hate unicorns, so I have no problem in seeing us ponies rule over them under our hoof, even if that hoof happens to be Celestia’s.

But that love and tolerance thing too. Like 80% to 20%. Okay, 90% to 10%.

Unfortunately, this advent of imperialist ambitions did not cause Celestia to begin a greater plan for oppression and genocide of other creatures in foreign lands like I hoped. Figures; she’s a terrible ruler who can’t even listen to the opinions of her subjects.

Instead, she began this new foreign policy in Saddle Arabia, a large island that lied to the east, which unfortunately habited ponies.[326] I guess Celestia just couldn’t resist oppressing more ponies after all.

Sources say that Saddle Arabia was chosen as the “great imperialist experiment” due to its abundance of resources and very fertile plains.[327] Like seriously, just big tracts of land.[328]

It was thanks to this new relationship that Equestria’s economic stagnation did not reach full critical mass like me after my weekly ice cream buffet.[329]

Some whispers in the dark say that there are rumors that Celestia had secretly overthrown the previously flourishing republic of Saddle Arabia, using her agents to invoke a revolution in order to implant her puppet government; one that would cater to her every whim and fancy, and could be easily appeased by animal light shows.

But I don’t see anything interesting in that. So let’s move on.

While trading stations and ports in Saddle Arabia would certainly help the situation and temporarily aid Equestria through some of the greater economic hardships, (that is, of course, if there was a situation at all, which I clearly have explained before was simply not true), Celestia knew that this would not be the lasting solution she needed to solve this crisis.[330]

Of course, this didn’t stop her from keeping her grip on Saddle Arabia for the next century. God, Celestia, you’re such a selfish prick. Why don’t you get off your ass, and do some real good, like sending your agents to ~~slaughter all the impure~~ give “international aid” to the nations in the south? Saddle Arabia’s such a waste of time when there’s so much more appropriate oppression that can still be done in this world.

Let’s get to the real solution that was mentioned like, many a paragraph before, sapping away any of the suspense. In case you already forgot what it was (and I wouldn’t be surprised, your brain is nothing but a waste of animal fat compared to me), it’s trains.

While Celestia’s imperialism took place in the last few years of the ninth century of the era, scientists made a bountiful discovery at this time as well. The creation of the first-ever, “steam engine”. Co-invented by an Apple and a Rock331, the possibilities from this discovery were limitless. Even Celestia was rather interested in this, and the project was given her official backing, with the first ever prototype steam train made only five years later.[332]

Resource management in the Classical era mostly followed the tenants of the Three Point Plan, in which some of the more resource-prosperous areas would provide a certain amount of supplies to nationalized “resource-zones”, which would act as stores and deliver these essentials to cities of greater need.[333] Most towns and cities of course, subverted this by creating their own resource bases (such as the creation of apple farms, a staple food in basic pony diet), in an effort of self-sustainability, and to avoid the hassles associated with these bureaucratic zones.[334]

But with post-war recovery, it seemed as though the areas lying to the west, the most touched by Nightmare occupation, had its economic infrastructure suffer the most, and never truly were able to return to its pre-war levels. Of course, the earth ponies were much more acquainted with farming, which resulted in the east enjoying the fastest recovery and more of the benefit, while resources in central and western Equestrian had to be transported by simple horse-drawn carriages.[335] This of course, led to racial disputes, especially as the earth ponies eventually became so prosperous they could improve upon their own city, Manehattan, which would soon rival Canterlot in its glory.[336] ♫EARTH PONIESS! FUCK YEAHH! ♫

While of course, Central and Western Equestria could fend for themselves (after all, Canterlot was still recognized as the Mecca of aristocracy), this slow method of resource transport would serve to limit their growth, causing their cities to be “stuck in the past”, while earth pony cities began to flourish in wealth and power.[337] AWW YEAHHH! SUCKS TO BE YOUUUU

Of course, this caused the steam train to be an excessively interesting concept to Celestia. The nation had previously experimented with more efficient ways of resource transport even back in the Classical era, experimenting with hot air balloons to little avail.[338] But the steam train, while needing a huge undertaking to reach its full potential, was certainly too fascinating for Celestia to pass up.

So, Celestia, taking a gamble (how reckless. You’d never see Equinus or Discord do such a thing. And especially not Luna.[339]), approved the creation of an national, transcontinental railroad system, pushing its approval through the slogs of bureaucracy very quickly with the full extent of her power.[340]

“She saw something in the invention that others didn’t, and we are glad her wisdom paid off. For the creation of the Equestrian railroad would be the breakthrough the nation needed.”[341]

This new system, while acting as a huge blow to the dwindling national budget, obviously was seen as a great risk. But as mentioned, it was a risk that paid off, and it fully jump-started the economy back on its feet. Which in my opinion, didn’t need the jump-starting. It was like using a defibrillator on a goat with a stroke; just a waste of everyone’s time.

Nonetheless, the creation of this railroad created a multitude of new jobs for ponies who were unsure of their place in the world. From planning, surveying, and construction, the railroad opened up new opportunities for many a pony.[342] Not only that, with its completion in 1929, it truly opened up Equestria in a way its citizens had never seen before. Earth pony, unicorn, and pegasi cities (at least the pegasi cities that could be visited by ponies on the ground) were visited by ponies who would never before have the opportunity to go to such places. Canterlot in particular, was filled with tourists, with the highest ever numbers recorded for that year’s Summer Sun Celebration.[343]

With this new freedom to travel to any part of Equestria without requiring a recklessly long journey, the possibilities exploded. Ponies began setting up shop in different places to provide new items to ponies who had never seen such things before.[344] It promoted racial mixing, with a slow, but steady integration of the three pony races in the cities.[345] And, most of all, it allowed resources to be transported across Equestria much more quickly than the previous system, which promoted an influx of restructuring in aiding towns that needed the help.[346]

Not only that, but with the later extensions of the railroads (a process, that might I add, would continue on, even to this day), it allowed more and more earth pony settlers to explore the unexplored regions, especially the deserts to the south, in attempts to establish new prosperous cities and towns. Before they were hesitant to bother with such things, as even if they were to settle and create a new town, they wouldn’t know whether or not they would have a strong enough customer base to support themselves; especially because not many ponies would normally venture into these unknown deserts (after all, you wouldn’t want to run into a buffalo or something. You might need immediate sterilization after that).

But now the railroads made this problem a thing of the past; if your town could thrive and prove bountiful enough to warrant it, even new towns could earn the potential to have the Equestrian Railroad Line extended to the area, which would accentuate the town’s success even further.[347] The fear and the problems of establishing new settlements vanished like a fart in the wind, and with the construction of more and more new townships,[348] Equestrian prosperity expanded as well. The railroads, town constructions, and Equestria as a whole, would all benefit from this mutualistic relationship; new towns would continue to be built throughout the rest of the century, continuing even to the present day.[349]

Even a jaded pony like me could see the strengths and benefits of this new railroad system in Equestria. But what I really love about it was its use of coal and fossil fuels to power the steam trains.

Think about it. A pony invention that is fueled by the desecration and burning of the fossilized remains of the ancestors of land stock vermin. It’s like Hearth’s Warming Eve and all of my birthdays combined into one. Sure, some trains still relied on pure pony strength to pull it, but the steam train system is still the one that is most relied upon, pumping tons of the ashes of who-knows-how many corpses of filth into the sky each day. And god bless Equestria for it.

But like always, this brilliant solution that seemingly solved all of Equestria’s problems (the economy, the question of transport, racial-social issues, and the problems regarding stagnant national growth) that was approved and pushed by Celestia was not accomplished because of her keen leadership instincts and skills, but just her dumb luck as usual. Her magic 8-ball must have been having a good day or something.

Nonetheless, I gotta give credit where credit is due.

Thank you, me, for being so awesome.[350]

With the invention of the railroad, Equestria truly “stepped into the modern world ~~and put the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 to the test~~”,[351] defining the Booming Century, and paving the way to the new world.

With the initial economic bang’s slow end towards the new millennium, it would be at that point in which the Booming Century would truly be declared over. Of course, the Millennial Stagnation wouldn’t be declared over just yet (because even though the Stagnation should’ve rightfully been declared done as soon as the railroads solved everything, historians still suck at naming), as it would only “officially” end with the redemption of Princess Luna. And believe me, there’s an alot’s[352]worth of stuff that has to be covered before that (the mane six, Celestia’s evil plans, yada yada yada). But there was still one more significant event during this century that must be addressed before I can truly move on.

The Second Battle of Canterlot.

I’ll try to mow through this quickly, cuz I know how much you guys hate reading about battles. Wrap your legs around my hips; we’re going on one more ride~~, Larry~~.

Chapter 26: Movements in the Dark - Canterlot 1969

The Second Battle of Canterlot, while quite an important battle within itself, is more known for its role in later history, mainly in acting as a catalyst for things to come. Nonetheless, the battle must still be recounted in order to soak in all the historical context goodness. And hey, you know that writing about attempted unicorn genocide is always a-okay in my books. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend a Friday night. The only thing that would make this day even better would be if I had access to that mirror pool to get me some double-Larry action. And if the attack had actually succeeded. But now I’m getting ahead of myself.

In all honesty, this battle doesn’t need all the buildup that was required for the Equestrian Civil War. It’s pretty straightforward, on the front and narrow so to speak. To really get ourselves back into the head of things, let’s turn to see how our friends,[353] the Nightmare forces are doing.

During the Stagnation, the Nightmare forces were still trapped in Tartarus, supposedly for all eternity. But of course, being eternal creatures of darkness themselves (just like Celestia. I bet under different circumstances they probably would’ve been great friends), their power still could not be underestimated, as they still retained their war numbers, and now, experience, owing to that, y’know, eternal thing.[354]

So the Nightmares bided their time, licking their wounds as their strength began to return, unbeknownst to Celestia.[355] Technically, they had returned to their full power by the end of the first century of the Stagnation, but they continued to wait for a more opportune moment, especially with that Celestia-placed seal on the gates of Tartarus still in effect and running at full strength. They had to wait for the seal’s power to slowly diminish, no matter how long it took, and hope Celestia wouldn’t notice their growing power in the wake of her own national problems. But most of all, they continue to wait for they knew Nightmare Moon’s return would come soon.

How exactly they knew, I don’t really know.

Maybe it had to do with the fact, as eternal creatures of darkness, they would be acquainted with the dark powers of the Elements as well, and as such, would know its full power and how long Nightmare Moon would be sealed for.

Or perhaps they had a pony traitor infiltrate Celestia’s quarters, learn of this vital information, and return to report to them.

Or maybe it had to do with the fact that there was a freakin’ legend in a picture book that said Nightmare Moon would return in a thousand years.[356] Why the heck Celestia would release this legend (albeit quietly, in an obscure book that not many would read) in the first place is beyond me. Another mysterious question that can only be answered by concluding Celestia’s the über dumb.

History says that they had to wait and slowly rebuild their strength in Tartarus before they could truly escape.[357] The magic seal that persisted in the gates of Tartarus would be weakened in due time, and upon their escape, they planned to strike the heart of Equestria once more with their Nightmare Princess, and reclaim the victory that they felt they deserved.[358]

They planned to escape and reunite with Nightmare Moon on her return, crushing Equestria with the full extent of their combined power. Their logic in choosing Canterlot first, was probably due to the fact that it would be the expected place Nightmare Moon would go to upon her own release, and as such, held the most likely chance of reuniting with her. But most of all, they probably chose Canterlot on a personal level; it was the place they suffered their most humiliating defeat, and after nearly a thousand years of rumination, they wanted the victory that they felt they deserved. Preach it, soul sister.

But it seemed they sucked at counting, for while they managed to get the day right, they attacked some forty years too early.[359]

This of course, had the net effect of their forces lacking Luna/Nightmare Moon’s contribution in their attack on Canterlot again, but, like before, they still managed to be quite a threat to behold.

What I found curiously interesting was that this mistake made it seem as though the Nightmare Forces had no concept of time. I mean, I know they had no true education, and the lack of sun on Tartarus didn’t help things, but still. If the Nightmare force leaders were still alive (or if they could be considered alive in the first place, but semantics schemantics), there’s a great book on math I could recommend them. An Abhorrent Offense: Princess Luna and the Invasion of Privacy.[360] Oh, and Cheerilee’s math book crap thing. But mostly buy mine. Seriously.

Anyways, the fact that ALL of the Nightmare forces somehow made such a grievous counting error (I mean seriously, even I learned how to count to four without using my hooves when I was in the third grade), only cements the possibility that they were tricked; fooled into thinking a thousand years had passed.

It had been suspected in history that this timing confusion was the work of another dark figure who lurked in the nethers of Tartarus; a villain from generations past.[361] One whose potential for dark power greatly outshined any other threat that would rise against Equestria, and as such, did not want the Nightmare Forces to conquer Equestria before them. For this villain saw the Nightmare forces as more of a threat than Celestia, and therefore did not want to have to face them (especially as they did not have as great magic to steal, it was more intrigued by pony magic), so they purposely orchestrated their failure. It was a being, who, once given the opportunity, would be sure to rise up again and become the greatest threat that Equestria had ever known.

I am of course, speaking of Celestia. She probably just happened to trick the Nightmare forces when she went to Tartarus a couple of times by herself to give Cerberus a quick bone.

Get your minds out of the gutter, I meant bone as in the kind a dog would enjoy, doggy style. Oh god I’m just making it worse. Well whatever you’re thinking, I wouldn’t put it past her; she’s a former unicorn after all.

So if the perpetrator of this was indeed Celestia, this would make it a false flag attack, something that is not looked too kindly upon by most citizens, and have caused violent revolutions to erupt for less. Of course, if this is the Griffon Kingdom we’re talking about here, they probably would’ve started a civil war over which side an egg laid by a rooster would fall off on a triangular roof. (You clawed idiots, it’s obviously the right. Cuz roosters hate Marx.[362])

Besides, who else could be in Tartarus, the deserving ghosts of the critics of the Equinus Republic? Sure, there was a small confrontation in the Classical era regarding the Celestial sisters and some long-forgotten, immortal creature of evil from a far off land (but still managed to know Discord pre-petrification. How, who cares?), who sought to snatch all of the magic of Equestria away from us ponies, but why should he matter?

If you so press on, I believe his name was…Crunch the Rockdog.[363] Well anyways, that moment was just one of Celestia’s many “successes” I glossed over in the Classical era, and as such, hold little importance now.

Like before, I’m sure he’ll never be relevant in history again. Trust me on this one, I’m a doctor. I’ve got a PhD. Multiple actually.[364]

But of course, this false flag attack wasn’t noticed to be Celestia’s doing by anypony at all, because they’re all so dumb. This is why ponies like Celestia continue to rule over us. Because even as we improve from our idiocy from the Classical Era, we’re always gonna stay the same. Which is why this essay will change all that. Larry and I against the world. No, me and Larry. I want to be first.[365]

Why she would do this? Eh, iunno. Probably to cement something she probably had in the works long ago. And will be covered near the end of the chapter so hold your horses, ya dingus. I’m trying to maintain suspense here.

Upon the day of the Summer Sun Celebration (which is, as I remind you, the anniversary of Celestia’s final confrontation with her sister, and the expected date of her return), the Nightmare forces broke away from Tartarus when the magical seal was the weakest, somehow escaping Cerberus as well.[366] In all honesty I’m not too certain how that happened either, although admittedly Cerberus did have a rare habit of leaving his post.

After the battle’s conclusion, Celestia probably punished Cerberus for this by spraying him with strong squirts of water, spanking him with a large newspaper, and taking away his balls. Oh god no, stop going there. Why were you even thinking all that? You really are filthy.

I meant balls as in the ones you play with. I feel like I’m making it worse. Although, admittedly, I do fully endorse the spaying and neutering of pets. Only because I’m all for the chemical castration of all non-pony species. ANYWHOOOO

Back to the escape of the Nightmare forces, they first returned to their dark hiding places, where they had slumbered before Luna sought them out herself. They had long, twisting tunnels underground, rivalling even the Diamond Dogs in prowess, and certainly much, much deeper within the earth, where no light could penetrate.[367] These tunnels; mostly unused during the war, were now used to sneak unnoticed near the mountain of Canterlot, as well as re-equip themselves with their weaponry before beginning their assault undetected.[368]

The city was in a much worse situation than the last battle. And that’s saying something. I mean, it wasn’t really like in a bad state like the first Battle of Canterlot (this “bad” is of course used in a context-oriented sense; as long as there are unicorns in Canterlot, it’s always gonna be bad), in that the city was filled with weary citizens and military alike, but rather that it was bad ‘cuz it had too many civilians in one location. Many ponies had stayed up for the entire night during the Summer Sun Celebration, and the streets were even more crowded than they ever were before.[369] This massive influx of visitors could be especially owed to the fact that with the advents of trains, the Summer Sun Celebration received attendance numbers higher than population numbers ever were in pre-war Canterlot.[370]

It was unknown if the Nightmare forces knew of such a thing when they planned the attack, but in the end, it all worked out to their favor. For the more civilians they were, the more chaos would be wrought once the battle begun. It would leave civilian evacuation plans unruly and unorganized, leaving the city in greater disarray, and allowed for a greater chance of Nightmare victory.

So in a flash during the night, the city found itself about to be under attack.

Celestia of course was “unprepared” for such a thing, although she did have her multitudes of royal guards (“supposedly” as usual) to protect the city from such a sudden assault, as well as her Canterlot defense squadrons stationed in, I’ll let you guess.

Trottingham? Damn, you suck at guessing. Canterlot, ya moron.

The assault was unluckily noticed before the Nightmare could fully breach the city and lay waste to its innards as they intended to. While it had been many centuries before the Nightmare’s last attack, the suspicious figures lurking in the dark, as well as Celestia’s own memory caused defense measures to be enacted immediately upon sighting the forces (convenient as always, Celestia).[371] And it wasn’t a moment too soon (of course it wouldn’t be), for the Nightmare began their full assault, charging upon the Canterlot gates. The Canterlot military quickly pushed to meet them, and while fighting a noble battle, utterly failed to fully repel the Nightmare assaults, especially in the face of such pure fury.[372]

Admittedly, the clone army were much weaker than ever before after years of continued clone retardation, and with their continued use over generations, they stopped being treated as an actual force of defense and more like the fodder for the baddies. Because not once after the Equestrian Civil War have they done something useful again; they’re mostly there for appearance’s sake now.

But they did manage to ensure the Nightmare didn’t fully breach the city, so they’ve got that at least. If I was a teacher I would give them my “You Tried” sticker. But it doesn’t have an explanation mark or anything, just a period.

Most of the remaining military, on Celestia’s commands, went on the defensive, and focused on evacuating all immediate citizenry still in the area, while Celestia took on the bulk of the forces alone. The Nightmare supposedly let up from their brutal charges, perhaps in fear of Celestia, and instead wheeled out their catapults of dark energy, firing upon the city in bursts of destructive black and blue.[373]

In this regard, I suppose they had a decent strategy going for them. But ninety Hundred Years of Solitude certainly gave them enough time to plan this out.[374] For they knew of Celestia’s own raw power, having experienced it in its full “glory” in the first battle of Canterlot, and without Nightmare Moon there to give them their own alicorn power boost as they were hoping, they were forced to rely on other tactics to succeed. And by firing hundreds of these catapults at once, it ensured maximum chaos throughout the city, as they smashed through Celestia’s temporary, makeshift barriers, and rained devastation upon the city.[375]

In this sense, the Royal Guard’s shifting role to protect the citizenship made more sense, along with the fact that they were completely useless offensively. And with so many attacks on so many sides, especially with the Nightmare’s greater focus on attacking the more accessible powerless civilians (who were still in the process of evacuating), and without boasting the organized numbers of the first battle, Celestia was clearly in trouble.[376]

In essence, the Nightmare’s tactics were solid. As a rock. The chaos caused by these catapults was excessive, and even Celestia had to shift from her offensive strikes to an immediate defensive strategy to protect her city. She would pull off some of her “city-wide defensive bursting barriers” like she had previously used in the last battle, but that was not exactly something she could pull off in rapid succession, and its success was limited by the Nightmare’s own strategic tactics; most stayed far away from the city out of the offensive barrier’s maximal range while continuing to bombard it with catapult fire.[377] And with Celestia having to continuously defend against these hundreds of catapult strikes alone, this would indeed tire her out, and leave the city open for an easy capture.

In a normal war situation (that Celestia “conveniently” made the plans for, in the event that a sudden war would break across Equestria), Celestia would send a call for her numerous reinforcements across Equestria (which would be expected to arrive soon, as the railroad system greatly improved mobilization times), but this tactic was better for preparing for a war, not arriving to fight a battle already in process.[378] The train ride still would take hours, and even for the fastest of pegasi like that bullshit “Miracle in the Everfree”, it would still take an hour or two to reach Canterlot from Cloudsdale.[379]

And none of these were feasible methods in this scenario. For as I said, this battle was already in progress. While ponies did indeed send word across the land to those nearest who could help, messages still travelled slowly, and these reinforcements would arrive nowhere near in time. It’s like that funny “what-if” scenario I mentioned in Chapter 22 all over again, where everypony was already dead when the reinforcements finally arrived.

So how the heck nowadays, the recently crowned Princess Twilight gets letters from a burping dragon instantaneously is still a mystery to me. And if you tell me it’s through magic, I will cut you.

Celestia was being pushed to her breaking point in magical exhaustion, still forming barriers and protecting who she could, while the Nightmare forces remained relatively unscathed, continuing to fire shot after shot.[380] I wish I could see that too. If only there was a “Celestia’s Failures” Scrapbook somewhere in history. All those pictures of her in misery, exhaustion, or reaching an emotional breaking point would be worth their weight in gold. And you can bet that if I could go back in time, I’d be making a lot of those contributions to that book too. ;) Probably write a funny little caption below some of em.

“Sipping appletinis at my window, watching Celestia trying to defend a city in a battle she knows will most likely end in her bloody defeat. Fun-filled day 06/21/1969!”

And so, Celestia was shot down in a bloody rain of dark fire, ending her unholy regime. Canterlot was of course, sacked, pillaged, and burned to the ground, a dark mark on the once proud unicorn mountainside, and it was left as a cruel display of the dark prowess brandished by the new leadership. As the Nightmare began establishing their dominance across the land in similar battles, opposed only by the scattered and weakened national military, Equestria eventually fell under their complete control, as they reformed the nation into what they had desired, and prepared a proper welcome for the return of their true leader.

ORRRRRRRR, AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

BUT GUESS THE FUCK WHAT.

IT DIDN’T.

“Celestia, far more tired than she had ever been, defending so many ponies in her city of Canterlot at once, was physically, and magically, exhausted. It seemed as though she was ready to fall at any moment; anypony with eyes could see she was pushed to her very limits long ago. But she persisted, for us.

However, it was not a battle she could keep on fighting. And she didn’t have to. For more and more ponies would begin to join in the defense. While there were many ponies who were essentially, powerless, and needed to be evacuated to somewhere safe, there were many ponies who could fight as well. They weren’t initially there; they must have been caught up in all the confusion regarding immediate evacuation, as well as the fleeing mass of panicked citizens. But once the safety of citizens was mostly ensured, with only a few stragglers remaining near the front lines, it was these ponies who stood up, and helped to fight this evil alongside their princess. And as always, we were reminded that our princess, while a powerful leader and goddess, was still, in fact, a pony who would need help from time to time. And it was these heroes who answered the call.

Unicorn, and even pegasi magic, were all used to expand one of Celestia’s weakened golden barriers. Before, the barrier was feeble and extremely weakened, but now the barrier grew larger and greater in strength. It had surpassed the size of legends I had heard from the Civil War; it long outgrew the boundaries of the Canterlot gates, and threatened to swallow the cliffs as well. And at this moment, the Nightmare forces chose to retreat, being chased from the city by crowds made up of heroes, soldiers, and goddesses alike. It was Canterlot’s own little miracle. The battle was over.”[381]

Freakin’…SERIOUSLY? The day was saved due to unicorn (and pegasi) intervention again? Not even the military-trained clones this time, just a buncha pansy assed unicorns (and pegasi) picked literally off the street. And I’m expected to believe that?

Ooh, us unicorns are just so great. Ooh, us unicorns are just so special.

That’s a bunch of baloney. Big fat baloney. I’m sorry for my foul mouth today, but I hope you can see where I’m fucking coming from. Ridiculous.

Whatever.

WHAT THE FUCK EVER!

I’M OVER IT!

I’M FUCKING OVER IT![382]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And so the battle ended. Ho-hum.

The importance of this battle is not only the result of the battle itself (which Celestia won, big FUCKING surprise), but what followed afterward. Celestia knew that she could no longer shoulder the weight of Equestria by herself. While she had promised to do so before, and would continue to do so to the best of her ability, she knew that she had to start thinking towards the future.

And so, recruiting some of the strongest, and magically capable unicorns she knew, especially those from the recent battle, Celestia began an all-new project. Her own school; Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. But most of all, this set up something else. Her search for succession.

Therefore, upon reviewing the battle’s aftermath, not only was this a catalyst for her opening of this school of hers (which would play big roles in history to come, and open the door to a buncha other shit), but if I may get back to the false flag attack thing (which I know I obviously can, because ain’t none of you gonna rat me out to the coppers without receiving a personalized lesson in how snitches get bitches[383]), it was also a sign that Celestia could pull off these false flag attacks without the public noticing. It was an experiment an’ was it![384]

For now Celestia knew she could coordinate these false flag attacks in the future, in greater complexity and succession, without any fear, for she knew that no pony would ever trace her back as the true culprit.[385] With these two consequences of battle in mind (but mostly the false flag attack thing, wayyy more important in history than that school of hers), one can now easily see the significance of the Battle. For while one might think it held little importance, and should have been relegated to a simple footnote in history, you will see that it instead, shaped the present future in many ways to come. In the past future. Future’s past. Whatever.[386]

Chapter 27: Search for Succession – Six Fated by Choice

The opening of Celestia’s prissy-ass school. You might think that wouldn’t be worth all the hoopla,[387] but there was more to its opening than you may think. At least to some ponies.

Ah yes, I remember now.

Back in the days when I was still young and innocent to this world’s evils, I would attend school while my mother would lay on our couch/bed (we had only the one at the time) in her drunken hazes. My thoughtful unicorn schoolteacher would wax poetic to us, inspiring us of an advanced school that Celestia herself instructed, only for the best of the best.

And my eyes were lit aflame with the possibilities. To learn from Celestia, the goddess of the sun and the protector of Equestria herself; to have her teach a pony like me! I still remember, ponies would laugh, crudely in their whispers, thinking I wouldn’t hear. But I heard their words as clear as day. That they said I was doomed to a life of nothingness as soon as I was born to parents like mine. Born to a dead lunatic and a drunk.

But I would prove myself. No, I wanted to prove myself, not just to those Canterlot folk, but to the world! And maybe, just to myself. I would escape the drudgery. I would make something of myself. Of the Loose name.

I worked harder than I had ever worked before. I could hear the jeers of the others, laughing as they played while I stayed at home and studied. But I persisted. My hard work would pay off. It had to. Perhaps it was due to the dreams of youth, but I had thought in my heart of hearts that I could do it.

My mother, in her perpetual drunken stupors, would always encourage me. She once told me that I could be whatever I wanted to be; I could do whatever I set my mind to do. And with shaking knees, yet a steady heart, I sent in my application to Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.

And my dreams were promptly crushed in a single rejection letter. A form letter too, to further add to my shame. It described my failure in great detail, filling the page with my anguish in just a few words, scattered with flourish prose and large-sounding words in an attempt to make me feel better about myself.

But the truth stood there, uncaring and cruel in its candour. Saying I needed to be gifted as well as a unicorn to be accepted.

And there that fool of a pony stood, silently sobbing those bitter tears into the page.

You said I could be whatever I wanted to be. You said I could do whatever I set my mind to. So why, mama?

It was at that moment I learned of the blatant racism present in our society. Celestia the dream-crusher. Celestia the monster. This oppression that we are forced to bend our knees to, a crushing weight lingering on our backs for all time!

That one day, a day that would live in infamy.

I vowed to myself.

That one day,

I would change the world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hm. I usually don’t like sharing that kind of stuff with other people. Did I get into Larry’s pills again? You would think I would learn my lesson after the last time.

Well anyways, if that story got you a little down or something, I’m totally over all that crap. Cuz I learned about the magic of history instead. And alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.

Wait a sec, what the heck was I talking about before all that?

No, yes.[388] Celestia’s School for Shitty Unicorns. I mean stupid. I mean slutty.

Sigh. Let’s just get on with it.

The school was important for one major factor. It was to provide the appearance of Celestia’s graciousness in teaching magic to these young unicorns as the very goddess of Equestria herself.[389] But in truth, there was an ulterior motive. There’s always one when it comes to Celestia.

All the good talk involving its opening in Canterlot. The best of the best! The true magically elite! Celestia herself! It sounded too good to be true. Most dreams are.

Unicorn families everywhere (notice a distinct lack of earth pony families, and pegasi too I suppose, in that phrase. Fuckin’ racism I tell ya) applied their children to such a prestigious school.[390] This of course, gave Celestia quite the pool of unicorns to choose from.

For as I said, at this moment, Celestia began to think to the future. She knew she probably could not maintain this façade and her regime forever; she had to think for a post-Celestia Equestria. Sorry, was I drooling just now? Ah, whatever, not like you can tell through a page.

She would (unfortunately) continue to rule as she saw fit, but she knew one day her time would come and somepony else would have to take her place. So she set up this school, to choose a unicorn pupil (because of course, as I said before, the regime did depend on unicorn superiority after all), and groom her to be the future princess of Equestria.

Of course, this agenda was kept private to herself. If word got out regarding this, it would create quite a cacophony of events, ranging from reactions to Celestia’s future retirement, to thousands of unicorns vouching their children to become Equestria’s successor. And that’s not even mentioning the whole “Equestria built upon unicorn superiority” thing.

If you ask how I might have found this out, well, the proof is in the pudding. I was rummaging through the dumpster a few weeks ago to find something that might make Larry love me, when I found some week old pudding. And somepony had clearly written all of this in there. Thank youuuu, divine will.[391]

Celestia went through a few “star” pupils throughout the decades. They haven’t really been mentioned in history, but a few, rare pictures of them exist. All the old favorites. Titty lips, bacon hair, crappy Twilight recolor, you know the rest.

It would be years before she came across a pony with the, in her words, “true magical prowess” she was looking for.[392]

k.

Twilight Sparkle. A very special pony. Ms. Future princess pants. I’m not mad or anything.[393]

Apparently her magic power impressed Celestia greatly. Her outbursts were recorded to be high unicorn level, even when she was just a young filly, and she was able to hatch a dragon’s egg with great success.[394] I can hatch a dragon’s egg too y’know. Give or take a few years. And I’d need to find a dragon to hatch one for me. Or I could just skip the middlepony. Do any of you know where I can get me some jewels, perchance?[395]

Twilight Sparkle.[396] Certainly a pony whose played a very role in present history. One of, if not the most important pony in these recent-most years, jumping in with her friends to face on some of Equestria’s greatest dangers. A pony, one could say, who was responsible for changing the course of history. A name to be remembered in the annals of history.[397]

k.

Twilight Sparkle was obviously chosen well-beforehand to be Celestia’s successor, perhaps even before her acceptance into Celestia’s School. Because Celestia, the eternal puppetmaster she was, spinning her webs of lies and deceit, had to always be prepared. And prepared she was.

She would construct a plan, one so devious, yet would simultaneously ensure the “protection” of Equestria for years to come. The greatest lie ever told.

The “strength” and the “magic” of friendship.

Celestia was always a real stickler on the whole “friendship” and “no hatred among all living folk; love and tolerance” thing throughout her years. And now, with Twilight Sparkle, she could enact her beliefs, and shove ‘em down our throats as she saw fit.

The Elements of Harmony. Practically unused since the confrontation with Luna, Celestia wanted to use its dark power again. No, she needed its dark power to spread her control across Equestria once more. But she could not use it without purpose. So she had thought of a devious plan.

A plan so brilliant that it would even make Discord, Sombra, and Nightmare Moon take pause and applaud, if it wasn’t for the fact that they were the good guys.

A plan that would intertwine friendship and the Elements into a bond so close that it would fool everypony under the sun. Everypony except for me. And Larry. Cuz we don’t go out that often, and when we do, we try to wear these cool tinfoil hats. They reflect the sun’s rays you see. And I’ve got other some personal reasons too for keeping mine on.

So back to the plan. What was it?

It was simple. Celestia would pass on the Elements of Harmony to Twilight, and her later friends.

!!!

!!!

!!!

Let that sink in for ya, I’ll wait.

You got it yet? Okay, moving on.

Passing on the Elements to new ponies. These tools of dark power, whose very essence and truth behind its power could flip Equestria upon its head, out Celestia from her position as ruler, and return the world to a greater chaos than under Discord. And she was passing them on to new ponies.

It still blows my mind to this day! But once you see the methods she used to ensure her plan’s success, you can see Celestia’s (it pains me excessively to say this) geniu-BLARGHHHHHH

Sorry, threw up there for a bit. Mighta been all the alcohol from before. But most likely the utter distaste I had in saying that line.

Intertwining dark magic and friendship. Has there ever been such a greater deception? You should have already known this, as the truth behind the Elements’ real power has already been covered; heck, so have the truths behind the first defeats of Discord and Nightmare Moon, so you might think there wouldn’t be much to talk about.

WRONGGG! There is still much to be learned.[398] The Elements are expansive, like the universe, and the secrets behind the methods of it all; what Celestia did to ensure the strong belief in the power of friendship to power her regime, still reveal so much more to us historians.[399]

So join me. As we take a journey through space and time (mostly just in time, to the recent past) and explore the cosmos together. And by cosmos I mean all of Celestia’s shit. Let’s go!

Celestia could not of course, choose any ol’ pony off the street to wield the Elements. She had molded Twilight into one of her own, fiercely loyal to her every beck and whim. To respect her as a teacher, to fear disappointing her, and to love her like a mother. And it was this trickery! that allowed Celestia to practically assume full control over Twilight’s life. To know what she would do, how she would think, and more importantly, ensuring her total subservience to Celestia for life. She would be made into a “Celestia2”, so to speak.

Twilight’s eternal loyalty, and the fact that she was easy to predict in her devotion, never once thinking to betray the princess, allowed her to be granted the great responsibility of wielding the strongest element of them all and uniter of the others, the Element of Magic.

So that was pretty easy, Twilight would be chosen as Celestia’s future successor and wielder of the Element of Magic. But the real difficulty came in deciding the other five. To ensure the success of her friendship plan, Celestia needed five other ponies to wield the Elements as well; five ponies who needed to believe in their friendship with Twilight.

Sure, she could’ve just had Twilight and one friend wield them, like she did with Discord,[400] or have Twilight wield them all herself, like she did with Nightmare Moon.[401] But it would be better to have this six, to fully encapsulate the necessity of friendship.

Obviously, while Celestia was very trusting of her new (let’s just call a spade a spade) “slave”, she could not trust in her skills in making friends, especially as she seemed to be quite an antisocial bookworm to start with.[402] Sure, she had a “friend” in her dragon assistant, Spike (who also “coincidentally” served the Princess, as well as served as a private hotline for Celestia to send out urgent texts to her purple-colored student[403]), but a dragon? Wielding an Element of Harmony? Have you been getting into the cough syrup again?

And yeah, she technically had another friend, her earliest friend, her BBBFF, Shining Armor.[404] But that’s more of a family thing, and Celestia’s here to promote the whole friendship thing. So that wouldn’t work out either.

Thus, to fully complete the illusion of friendship, Celestia had to formulate these friendships herself. Using strict criteria as her selection basis, she had to choose ponies still young enough to be molded into her tools and similar in age to Twilight, who would not only “fit the group dynamic”,[405] but could easily form friendships with her, and more importantly, unknowingly serve Celestia’s ploys as she so pleased.

And so these “mane six” were decided upon, years before any of them had actually met each other. In fact, the selection of these mane six may have even been finalized before Celestia even came into contact with Twilight. Who knows how deep the rabbit hole goes? Only those who dare to venture and take a Leap of Faith.

This mane six. Huh. I just realized I’ve been using this word, but I have no blazin’ idea what it means. There’s no context or anything behind this wording that I can think of; it’s never been so much as used in history.

Alright, I’ll come up with something real quick.

“Mostly Annoying, Nausea-inducing E-diots-who-are-literally-all-worst-pones 6.”

That E in the beginning of that last one is for extra emphasis.[406]

So obviously Celestia pre-picked the other five ponies to fill in the spots of the elements. But how did she choose such a random assortment of ponies? What exactly were the criteria? After all, she had all of Equestria as a potential selection. Why did she choose five ponies from specifically one town? How did she ensure that the Elements would be in the best possible hooves?

Let me take you on a journey. A rollercoaster, full of crazy twists and revelations, not for the faint of heart. For everything before this, all of the chapters preceding this one, were merely filly’s play, this is the big pony’s leagues now.

Lucky you, I happen to be one of the few in this world who possess a method to discover the secrets behind Celestia’s selection process. I shall be using secret techniques passed down from generations, in the honor of my deceased father, famed conspiracy theorist, Foil Hat,[407] to do my (other) family’s name proud, and more importantly, reveal this truth in a way that will force you to scrape your brains off the goddamn walls once I’m done. With flawless logic and impeccable intelligence, this method is one which it is rumored that its user becomes one with the universe, gains knowledge far beyond any pony could ever dream of, and identify the truth. I should warn you, it is extremely difficult to pull off, and in recorded history, can only be accomplished a few times per lifetime. So don’t let my efforts go to waste, try to keep up.

HYPER! CONSPIRACY! ANALYSIS! TECHNIQUE! ULTRA! EX!!

The known order of which Twilight met these five ponies is obviously one of grave significance, and as such, will be used accordingly in this method. When it comes to the introduction of the friend, “Pinkie Pie”, her true introduction (simultaneously the first pony Twilight met in Ponyville, but the last of the five to be formally introduced), shall be treated as the latter, for it was then that the two truly got to know each other.

The gloves are off,[408] so let’s begin.

Starting by using Twilight as a jumping point (as the pony initiator, and principal chosen one by Celestia, this only serves to make sense).

Twilight is purple.

Purple is a color.

Green is a color.

Green vegetables are a good source of calcium.

Vegetables.

My grandmother is a vegetable.

On the subject of relations, my uncle is rather flamboyant.

Fruits.

Apples.

Applejack.

BAM! There’s one right off the bat, the first friend Twilight made. Let’s keep going on from there. Next!

Applejack has hooves.

Who else has hooves? Bon-bon.

Bon-bon sounds like bonnet.

Bonnet.

Bonnet has six letters.

Six Elements of Harmony.

You might think that I’ve just reached the jackpot with this when it comes to relating this to the other ponies, but no. This is just something I wanted to bring up. Returning back to bonnet,

Bonnet.

The word has a letter that is repeated twice, the letter n.

N.

The fourteenth letter of the Alphabet.

Twilight’s fourteenth friendship lesson to Celestia (including the unwritten lessons given in person to Celestia herself), is on the consequences of the events of the 76th Best Young Flyer’s competition.

Where did this competition take place? Cloudsdale.

Known to be the birth place of one certain famous flyer, who proudly boasts their self-title of fastest flyer in Equestria.

I am obviously referring to ~~Kevin~~Hoops the pegasus.

Examining Hoops’s birth records, one can see he was born on the twelfth of February, in 1994.[409]

02/12/1994.

Using math here,[410]

0 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 9 + 9 + 4 = 28

Using another method, multiplying the previously obtained “14” by 2 (as this was to be the second pony that Twilight would befriend) would obtain a result of 28.

This is obviously no coincidence.

Coincidence starts with “coin”.

Coins are associated with wealth, prosperity, and luck.

Luck? Sounds like a certain pony already referenced in this essay.

Lucky Foot, the famed Discord historian and spreader of lies.[411]

What else spreads easy?

Butter.

A six lettered word again!

Not only that, as like before, it has a letter that’s repeated twice.

The letter t, the twentieth letter of the alphabet.

14 + 6 + 20 = 40

And 40 = 0 + 4 + 14 + 1 + 9 + 8 + 4.

Or, if you would, 04/14/1984.

A date? But what is its significance?

The popular book series “My Small Horse” had its first book, “Rescue at Midnight Castle”, be released on April 14, 1984.[412] CONNECTION!

A character feature in this book was a petite, baby purple dragon named Spike (no relation to another certain purple dragon in history).[413]

But that’s not gonna stop me from making that link anyways.

You might say the name, “Spike the Dragon”, is more commonly known as the often forgotten assistant to Twilight Sparkle, and you would be right.

Spike the Dragon.

Known most infamously, not for that “saving of the Crystal Empire” stuff (that was practically superfluous and will be addressed later on), but for his one minute role as the replacement of the holder of the Element of Loyalty, during Discord’s return.

Finally allowing us to create a link to that cyan pegasus, Rainbow Dash.

No breaks! Keep on chuggin’ along!

Rainbow Dash is most known for her rabid fanaticism to the “Daring Do” book series.

Again, going off the first book of the series, “Quest for the Sapphire Stone”.

What fashion oriented pony is known for her obsession of sapphires and other precious gems?

A certain famous pony called Sapphire Shores.

Sapphire Shores wears a lot of jewelry.

She shares this in common with the current member of the Power Ponies since her joining in issue #4, the superhero, Radiance.™[414]

She has the power to create attack constructs with her magical jewelry.

What else is constructed?

Buildings.

Or maybe a boutique?

Who owns a boutique?

Hoity Toity owns a vast chain of fashion boutiques across Equestria.

Who has connections with Hoity Toity and a majority of the Canterlot elite?

Spike. Again. Judging from his easy pulling of strings in making Hoity Toity attend a dinkly little fashion show in Ponyville.[415]

Spike has an obvious crush that everypony with a brain and a working set of adorably large eyes can see.

A crush on a pony named Sweetie Belle.

I’ve met her before (and in all honesty, I have no idea what anypony could see in her, but I digress), and she seems just as oblivious to this as most idiot children, but Spike’s well-known crush can be easily discerned through my arduous and careful research.[416]

Notice how Spike lingers around this, “Carousel Boutique”, a location in which Sweetie Belle is known to frequent for some unknown reason.

Not only this, Spike is known to do things that Sweetie Belle enjoys to do. (eg. Spike takes out the trash and becomes filthy as a result of this. And this fits in with a certain letter in Celestia’s friendship archives in which Sweetie Belle is recorded to have said she enjoys getting “a lot dirty”.[417])

In fact, recently, Spike was seen bringing an apple pie to the boutique. And Sweetie Belle loves sweet things; it’s in her freakin’ name. She likes bells too apparently, but I haven’t been able to find anything regarding this in the “Spikey Belle” pairing.

I probably could’ve gotten all the data I needed to further prove this relationship if it wasn’t for the Royal Guards thinking I was planning a kidnapping. God, I hate those guards. And by default, Celestia.

Anyways, upon my (might I add, highly illegal) brief questioning in the Ponyville confinement building and subsequent release, I had learned that apparently Sweetie Belle’s sister is Rarity. Which makes things even easier for me.

So with this, we have reached Rarity.

And it is at this point in which we can start to realize why Celestia specifically gave ownership of Spike to Twilight, when all other “hatching dragon egg” tests of this nature had no such reward (or else every student of Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns would have a dragon of their own). It is because Spike plays an instrumental role in deciding Twilight’s friends.

I mean, technically only 2/6th of the six were decided upon using Spike as a jumping off point. But just as I had said before, that’s math that you just can’t ignore.[418]

Continuing on now,

The Author of Power Ponies is widely suspected of plagiarism from some more classic comic works. Comparisons have been drawn between Radiance, and Green Maretern, another famed comic superhero who preceded Radiance, yet has practically the exact same powers.[419]

But Green Maretern is known to possess a significant difference, his weakness to the color yellow, and as seen with his affliction with the terrifying parasite, Parallax[420]; a problem with fear.

Yellow and fear. Sounds a lot like our friend (friend used purely in the perjorative sense only), Fluttershy.

And from Fluttershy, we shall reach the last pony of them all.

Fluttershy was decided upon through her connection with Parallax.

Parallax; the fictional alien parasite, was an ancient entity that embodied the yellow light of fear.[421]

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate.

And do you know what I hate?

Immigrants.

Immigration has the word “ration”.

Rations are what you need when you have a lack of food.

A type of food is carrots.

Golden Harvest won ninth place in the 42nd Equestrian carrot growing competition.[422]

Prizes are often made from gold.

Gold can be stolen by thieves.

Thieves often suffer from kleptomania (or why else would they feel the need to steal?)

Kleptomania.

Castle Mania!

A famous film from the 1980’s in which two groups of two ponies go into a haunted castle and hilarious, yet scary hijinks ensue.[423]

It starred hilarious comedy star, Hard Candy, who also had a bit part in the critically panned movie, “It Came from Applewood”.[424]

What else came from Applewood?

Hard Candy.

But more significantly, Influenza.

More specifically, the Applewood Fevers.[425]

Do you know what else rose fevers?

The coming of Photo Finish’s new fashion line.[426] Or at least it rose my apathy towards it to a fever pitch.

Apathy?

An antonym of Empathy.

Path.

Telepath.

Psychics.

PsyCHIC.

Chick-Fil-Aid is a well-known subsidiary of Equestrian nationalized animal health care, providing sandwiches to chickens in need.[427]

i.e. A waste of our tax money.

Where am I going with this? You might think I was going with the psychic/Pinkie Pie route, but everyone knows psychics don’t exist. They’re just trickster ponies who live in the realm of pseudoscience, with no real supporting evidence to back up any of their claims.

So instead, let’s put it together.

Parallax.

Immigrants.

Ninth place.

Kleptomania.

Influenza.

Empathy.

Psychic.

I.E. a waste

P.I.N.K.I.E. P.IE.

Completing the pentfecta.

And that’s how Celestia decided upon Twilight’s friends. Of course, Celestia had to shift life events around, and provide the perfect set-up to appropriate Twilight’s befriending of these ponies. Like paying off ponies in Ponyville to never be “part of the foreground”, so to speak, when it came to Twilight; ensuring that they always stayed away from mane events in order not to complicate matters. And let’s not even get to the supposed belief that the six had some special bond with each other regarding their cutie marks in their fillyhood. Can anyone else say, Celestia’s manipulations?

However, most of this dirty work and planning was not done by Celestia herself, but rather by her upper aristocracy echelon, established during the Millennial Stagnation, titled “The Echelon”. It seemed that creativity is another one of Celestia’s weaknesses (among many).

The Echelon was another secret government organization that not many knew of, and is suspected to have a hand in many of Equestria’s conspiracies and world events. You can expect them to be the ones behind things like market values, the strength of the bit, and orchestrating international crises. To put it simply, when Celestia wanted to manipulate something, they would be the ones to actually organize everything and do all the work for her. It seems even when it comes to secret manipulations, Celestia just comes up with the plan and delegates the rest to others. Our glorious leader, fillies and gentlecolts! What do you princesses even do besides smile and wave?

Moving on, while she did not mention the reasons behind her actions, nor her plans to pass down the Elements (or the Elements’ power at all), she did tell them that she expected great things from these six ponies, and that they needed to build a strong friendship with each other.

This briefing was taken accordingly by The Echelon, and with their own socio-political powers (they’re the cabal that pulls the strings behind the world’s events after all, but they still have to work under their own puppetmaster Celestia of course), created convenient “story” opportunities throughout Equestria to arise to set up their eventual meetings (eg. making sure that these five ponies would all be living in Ponyville by 2010, paying off the Ponyville mayor to give them important roles in the upcoming Summer Sun Celebration of ’10 in which Twilight was set up to be the inspector of, etc). And under Celestia’s continued supervision, The Echelon would continue to create new setups every week to continue to build their friendship over the years.

For this reason (and the many others, such as their prominent role in manipulating the world), The Echelon was forever shrouded in mystery. You might ask how I would know of their existence then, and to that I say, it’s a secret. Suckz to be you.

And following that satisfying non-answer, you might then ask how the heck Celestia could have used events that haven’t even happened yet (Spike’s short-lived role as Rainbow Dash, Twilight’s friendship letters, the Spikey Belle relationship) as a method to decide Twilight’s friends. And there is a very good answer to that, one I believe I have used before in this essay.

A) Because shut up.

2) It’s magic, I don’t have to explain shit.

With all that now out of the way, one can see how this “mane six” group was fully established. And with the formation of these so-to-speak, “future would-be-friends”, all Celestia had to do now was to put her plan into motion. The pieces were in play, the chips were already down. But these six weren’t friends just yet. Celestia just needed one last piece to complete her wicked puzzle,[428] an event that would force these six pre-picked ponies into friendship under extreme adversity, and in doing so, allow her “Passing Down of the Elements” plan to succeed. And isn’t it just lucky that Nightmare Moon was scheduled to return after her thousand year hiatus on that one certain day?

Conveniently giving Twilight the book detailing Nightmare Moon’s eventual return as a reading assignment a day beforehand, Celestia began to prepare. The wheels of history were now once again in motion. And no matter how I try to resist, or make a wheel of my own, they just won’t stop turning. Join me next time as we begin a whole new chapter in this book we call history.[429] Literally. Chapter 28.

Chapter 28: The Elements of Harmony II – Resurgence of Illusion

The events behind Nightmare Moon’s return are (as previously mentioned) said to be the official ending point of the stagnation. And despite all that era’s bullshit, Nightmare Moon’s “revenge” and “redemption” were indeed a new turning point in Equestrian history. And with this change, things would never be the same.

Celestia’s plan was now in full swing; its success dependent on this moment in history. Well, a lot of moments actually, as we’ll get into later. But definitely this first one.

A lot was riding on Twilight Sparkle and the smooth-sailing of her “friendships”, a plan that Celestia had put over a decade of time preparing for. Yes, Nightmare Moon’s scheduled return could be a great boon to building this six-wise friendship if everything went according to plan. But, on the off chance it did fail, Celestia could just scrap the six and start from square one. Set up a new six group of friends, what have you.

But obviously that would take a lot of effort, and Celestia already invested a lot of time into these six, so (for the moment at least), this was it.

This was it!

You might think that there’s not exactly much to say. Historians, while continuously citing this event’s importance on later events and reshaping the modern nation, don’t exactly have much to discuss in regards to the event itself. Most of it is already known; Twilight and her friends united in Ponyville against this old foe, reawakened the Elements, freed Luna, etc. But as you’ve learned through the past 27 chapters of this essay, when it comes to Celestia, nothing is ever easy. Except for getting into bed with her.[430] I’m sure a lot of stallions could vouch for that.[431]

There’s a lot more behind Nightmare Moon’s return than these historians (and Celestia) are privy to admit. For such an important event, “kicking-off” the show so-to-speak (the show of course, being a colloquial term for Celestia initiating this new façade), there’s still a lot hidden from us. For such a recent event, you would think it would be quite difficult for Celestia to continue to hide the true details from us. Count yourselves lucky you have such a gracious historian to help you see the light. Yes, yes, you can stop your cheering now. No need for applause, educating the minds of you ignorant peons is its own reward.

Returning to the end of the Civil War now, as we (and Celestia) know, Nightmare Moon was due back in a thousand years to the dot. Which is weird because there’s no “i” or “j” in “a thousand years”. Another one of Celestia’s twisted mechanisms, I’m sure.

With this knowledge in mind, Celestia obviously wouldn’t fuggedaboutit;[432] during the thousand year off-time, she would have time to prepare. And within the context of the years leading up to it, the coinciding periods of her Search for Succession and Nightmare Moon’s imminent return cannot be ignored.

In order for things to run smoothly in accordance to this first of her master plans, many assumptions had to be made. Celestia would need to be able to read Nightmare Moon’s actions to a “t”. Which again, was probably difficult, because ~~Nightmare Moon~~ Luna didn’t have a “t” in her name.

Which is why Celestia probably went “screw it”, and decided to negotiate with Nightmare Moon directly. If Celestia could get Nightmare Moon to play the Game of Negotiations with her, things would go much easier for her.

So in essence, the whole background in understanding the details of the Nightmare Moon event was just that it was another quasi-False Flag attack. Case solved!

No, case not solved.[433] Not only does directly negotiating with her evil (yet excessively superior) sister raise some major flags, it makes Twilight Sparkle’s journey along the roads of friendship completely meaningless!

Which is exactly what it was. A twisted delusion created by Celestia to fit her own goals. I’m not gonna hear any rebuttals to this, y’hear? And after you hear what I gotta say, I don’t think you’ll need to.

And with that, let’s begin.

The first clue we have to understanding Celestia’s role in all this can be seen in the legend itself (which by-the-by, was something that she wrote), when describing Nightmare Moon’s return.

“The stars will aid in her escape.”[434]

Well, correct me if I’m wrong, but is the sun not a star?

Obviously, not only did Celestia allow Nightmare Moon to escape, but she did it to drive the mane six to reactivate the elements. This is the most logical conclusion that can be derived from this.

But let’s get into specifics here. As I said, Celestia must have made a deal with Nightmare Moon. History says that Celestia and Nightmare Moon never faced a direct confrontation during the crisis of her return; such a conflict could have been catastrophic in terms of pure magic power, and in regards to Nightmare Moon’s seething rage. However, if I may add my two cents here (and I know I can), Loose Change rulez and history droolz.

Because history took a shot and a miss. Again. To the surprise of no-one.

The sisters had to have met up. And it all works out from simple logic.

So Nightmare Moon escaped her imprisonment on the moon. Fantastic Gymnastic.

But let’s think about this. If Nightmare Moon did escape on her own (and did not meet up with anypony before her first documented appearance), why the heck would she go after Ponyville first?[435] Why not Canterlot? Or, (under her old knowledge) the Castle of the Two Sisters?

Upon returning to Equestria for the first time in a thousand years, why the heck would Nightmare Moon go to the dinkly little town of Ponyville? (a town, which might I add, did not even exist during her time.) Even if you say that it was because Celestia was scheduled to appear there on that day,[436] how would Nightmare Moon know this? She was kind of in the moon at this point, so she wouldn’t know about the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration, let alone that the Celebration existed in the first place.

So what was she there for? To make a bragging speech on a victory she hasn’t even earned yet to ponies she doesn’t even know, laugh maniacally while a few lightning bolts flash in the background (because apparently she can do that now), and then disappear into smoke?[437] I mean, I know she likes evil laughs and all, but to go this far. Really.

If Nightmare Moon was truly on her own, why not just walk right up to the six when they began their search for the Elements (the one thing that she knew could defeat her) and slaughter them with her magical powers of darkness? No, instead as soon as she confronted them at the celebration, she fled, and silently followed the six in their journey, choosing to act like an idiot and play some practical jokes on them. (like spooky trees? Really?)

It defies all other sense of logic. And whenever there’s a noticeable lapse in logic, one can always suspect Celestia to be behind it all. Nightmare Moon must have made a deal with Celestia!

As to explain why she acted like an idiot? Well, whenever some pony makes a deal with Celestia, I guess their IQ drops significantly by a couple of points. As soon as Nightmare Moon made this deal with Celestia, she lost all respect in my eyes.

Let’s cover the background behind this deal that obviously went down. Obviously Nightmare Moon’s first act upon her return would be to go to the royal castle immediately (which is where Celestia would expect her to be at her first visit; as Nightmare Moon would obviously first want revenge on her sister), which is how this foul deal was able to go forth.

Upon the sisters’ reunion, there would obviously be some bad blood. Alicorn venereal diseases aside, I’m sure that if not a direct outright magical confrontation, there was probably the exchange of some foul words. Probably like “poopy head” and the ol’ comeback, “I’m rubber, you’re glue”. But after some civility was returned to their reunion, Celestia would present a deal and her terms.

Celestia must have made a bet with Nightmare Moon, telling her that if she could beat her “mane six”, her six chosen warriors, she would be given control over all of Equestria and rule it as she saw fit. I know this spits in the face of everything the Equestrian Civil War represented and all the reasons for why Celestia fought her sister in the first place, but hear me out. It’ll make sense by the end of it.

Under such great conditions, Nightmare Moon obviously agreed, especially when Celestia promised to take herself out of the equation, not to interfere with this fight, and even give the Elements’ location to Nightmare Moon herself (which, of course, was in the very castle that they were both in). The only stipulation was that Nightmare Moon could not directly touch the Elements or the six until Celestia’s groupies had reached the Elements themselves; only then could she do as she pleased with the both of them.

While wary of her sister, Nightmare Moon accepted the deal, thinking that once she had beaten these “chosen six” using her ghostly powers and destroyed the Elements personally, she could have her final end-all-be-all “NO HOLDS BARRED, SUMMER SLAM ROYAL RUMBLE 2010”[438] fight with Celestia that she always wanted, and destroy Celestia herself. With all of this in mind, Nightmare Moon quickly assumed victory was for certain. Oh, you sweet beautiful thing. As wise as you may have once been,[439] you really don’t learn anything do you? I would think that in the face of the Battle of Canterlot, you would know to:

Never assume victory is assured because…

Celestia’s always got some unfair shit to pull out her ass.[440]

And Celestia had indeed. But more on that later.

With this, now Nightmare Moon’s idiocy can be fully explained. Why was she doing stupid things, like transforming into a prickly thorn when she could have easily possessed the manticore instead and slash the ponies apart with her claws? She made a deal with Celestia so she couldn’t! And that IQ thing too. But mostly because Celestia told her not to.

You might ask how exactly I got this information. After all, this second sorta false flag attack would be not only intensely secretive, with only Celestia and Nightmare Moon knowing the exact details, but highly damaging to the stability of the regime. How could any of us normal ponies know about such a foul deal?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With the deal now completed, and Celestia keeping her secret ace in the hole up her sleeve in her ass,[441] now all that was left was to cross her fingers[442] and hope for the best. And by that, I mean she manipulated every damn thing in sight to make sure it all goes well. Always the predictable one, she is.

In the day leading up towards Nightmare Moon’s “surprise” reappearance in Ponyville, Celestia was nowhere to be seen. Not found in Ponyville, where she should have been, and not in Canterlot either.[443] So where was she in all of this? Obviously she was kinda busy meeting up with Nightmare Moon earlier on in the ancient castle; her absence tying in with my Nightmare Moon deal I mentioned before.

And don’t worry about possible contradictions this time (not that you would normally need to worry about them in this essay), because I’ve got evidence! Multiple sources confirm that on the day of the celebration, Celestia was noted not to be seen by anypony, not even appearing in front of Twilight.[444] The only contact received from her at this time was a letter delivered by a certain Spike the Dragon, which tried to assure Twilight on her worries over the return of a certain Nightmare Moon.[445] Worries, in might I mention, were deliberately placed there days before by Celestia to prepare her for the coming event.

This letter that was sent might be seen as a possible contradiction; after all, how could Celestia respond to Twilight when she was busy negotiating with a certain princess of evil? But what did I just say about talking about contradictions? Get back into the corner and think about what you’ve done.

This message was probably a pre-written form letter, I’m sure. A response set to be immediately sent to her upon the sending of Twilight’s own letter; after all, nopony can even write a response that quickly.[446] And this form letter response by Celestia wouldn’t be above the realm of possibility; Twilight was known to write to her mentor about many inane academic things, like thousand word essays on the studies of comets without even so much as a prompt. I mean seriously, who gives a shit? I’m surprised Celestia didn’t start doing this sooner.

The letter itself, upon form-letter based analysis, makes this proof even clearer.

“My dearest, most faithful student [INSERT NAME HERE],

You know that I value your diligence and that I trust you completely.

But you simply must [INSERT AFOREMENTIONED PROBLEM]!

My dear [INSERT NAME HERE], there is more to a young pony's life than [ADDRESS PROBLEM], so I'm [SOLVE PROBLEM]. And, I have an even more essential task for you to complete: [TRICK HER INTO MAKING FRIENDS TO COMPLETE EVIL FRIENDSHIP PLOY].

Love,
Celestia”[447]

Heck, in the letter itself, Celestia even directly instructs Twilight to make some friends! (as seen above) Real smooth there Celestia, real smooth.

Under the guise of sending her to “check over the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration”,[448] a job that may I mention did not need to be specifically done by her, Twilight slowly became indoctrinated into the cult of friendship that Celestia and her Echelon had planned for her years in advance. She met her friends (in the pre-picked order), came to rest at her library (which was pre-picked for her, due to its spacious environment and lots of books to “advance certain friendship plots), and encountered Nightmare Moon upon her first arrival back into the realm of history (which was pre-picked).[449]

Owing to this encounter, along with Celestia’s seeming disappearance, a mission was presented to Twilight, a test-pilot of sorts. Or a pilot of tests, whatever. And with the bare minimum of a bond formed with these five pre-picked ponies (after all, Twilight was purposely kept dense and obtuse over the whole friendship thing throughout her life to strengthen her learning of the lesson even further when the time had come), these six would unknowingly begin their journey into a much greater world than they knew.

Twilight Sparkle. Applejack. Rainbow Dash. Rarity. Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie.

Chosen by fate. United by destiny.

jk, Celestia’s behind it all.

Their quest for the Elements to “save the day”, would of course be countered by Nightmare Moon, who continued upon her own path of stupidity and spookiness. Oh no, dark palette-swapped Wonderbolt rip-offs! Whatever shall we do? OOOooooOOOOooooOOO!

Nightmare Moon’s incompetence aside, Celestia knew that her absolute failure in posing any kind of a threat (which was kinda weird, considering that Nightmare Moon did single-hoofedly start a Civil War the last time she was evil; Celestia must’ve counted on that “dumbing down” effect she had on ponies) would only serve to strengthen the bond between the six.

By giving the semblances of a threat without ever actually posing a real threat, the six would begin to learn to count on each other, and learn of each other’s strengths. But most importantly, it would serve to show Twilight the real meaning of friendsh-PFFTTTTTTTT.

Sorry, couldn’t help myself there. It just keeps getting more and more ridiculous. And you thought my version of the fall of Equinus was bad.

The story goes on from there. Some might even go as far to say it was in fate’s hands, a history already made. Upon confronting Nightmare Moon and watching her destroy the old Elements, Twilight realized the truth behind the Elements of Harmony. And with the power of friendship and the help of her friends, the six reawakened the true Elements, defeated Nightmare Moon, and freed Princess Luna from the darkness.[450] Then Celestia would return at that very moment, giving hoofbumps to all, all-the-while running her victory lap.[451] Luna would have a return party, Twilight would stay in Ponyville, yada yada yada.[452] If there’s anything the historians were right about, it was that this history was already set in stone. Literally. I bet Celestia and her Echelon already had the stained glass window made before all this crap even happened to save on costs. And to snag a great deal on glass prices.

Sure, history says that their friendship was spontaneous and spur of the moment, and it was because Twilight and her friends had learned the magic of friendship that they was able to use the Elements, not because of anything else.[453] But as we know, history is often wrong (when it’s not mine). And was history wrong on this one too? The short answer? Yes. The long answer? Yesssssssssssssssssssss.

For while I said that history was already set into place once Twilight and her friends set off on the journey, there was still many more explanations behind everything, hidden from the eyes of everypony except those who are more insistent to see the truth.

What really went on behind the six’s confrontation? What exactly was Celestia’s plan behind the deal? Why did she take such a great risk by doing this? All this and more, on Equestrian Mysteriez: Solved 4 Good.

Which is right now. Let’s roll.

First question; how was Luna supposedly purified by the mane six? It would stand to reason that purification entails the use of light magic. However, as we had stated, the Elements of Harmony were incapable of light magic.

A problem behind this event was the lack of true witnesses regarding the use of the Elements on Luna; wait no, on everything that the Elements were used on. No seriously, how could it be that there were never any witnesses around when the Elements were used, other than the pro-Celestia mane six to ever behold its power? Really think about it. Nightmare Moon’s sealing, Discord’s sealing and re-release later on, Twilight’s own ascension; all only had the mane six and maybe Spike there to see them be used. Suspicious, no?

This is certainly something that must be questioned, for it is too much of a coincidence. Perhaps it was always deliberately set up like this? But why?

Because.

Pause for dramatic effect.

The Elements used by the mane six were a façade all along! Why else would Celestia leave them unguarded for a thousand years, spell out their whereabouts in a handy reference book (also coincidentally found in the Ponyville Library),[454] and tell Nightmare Moon of their location? For it was because the real Elements were kept secret; and these “fake” elements were only made and planted there to strengthen the illusion.

In fact, to push it even further, upon their “activation” with the magic of friendship (somepony hold back my mane, I think I might laugh/throw up again), the fake elements re-assembled to resemble the six’s cutie marks, as well as take the form of easily marketable accessories, in order to make the six think that they were all special destined friends.

Indeed, the six fake Elements in their stone form may have once been the real Elements, but they were like an empty container, a husk of their former selves. In truth, while they retained their old appearance, they were really empty in power, their true essence taken from them and replaced with something else. Which is probably how they fooled Nightmare Moon.

Upon the false Elements’ release, the six’s eyes were said to glow white in unison (an obvious method for them to be blinded from what was really transpiring before them, and to make it so they wouldn’t question things as much), and a rainbow would shoot out from them, striking the target in question.

Nonetheless, with this, Celestia left a major hint for us intelligents again. She chose to represent the false elements with the power of a rainbow, a “Rainbow Power”, if you would.

But what is the science behind a rainbow really? The splitting of pure white light into distinct colors. Representing the corruption of the purity of light!

Once again consolidating my theory; the Elements were powered by dark magic all along. In fact, this explains why bacon hair turned into some she-devil in the mirror world, or at least according to the testimony of a disgruntled royal guard who happened to eavesdrop on a certain conversation, who for all intents and purposes for his safety from Celestia’s retribution, shall remain anonymous.[455]

The real purpose of this rainbow? Its main purpose was said to represent the unification of the six friends, and the full power of friendship. But in truth, they were just made to be flashy colors to give the appearance of real power, so upon the battle’s conclusion, the mane six and Equestria would believe in the magic of friendship. To make them believe that the magic of friendship was stronger than Nightmare Moon, and on a subtle note, were stronger than Celestia herself. This planted seed in particular was important in allowing her to retire one day, to be replaced by Twilight, a pony who wielded the power of friendship; a “greater power than herself”.

So, in the end, the extent of these false Elements’ power was little more than a pretty little light show. And in a cruel twist of irony (probably deliberately set up by Celestia), Luna was indeed defeated thanks to the light. Just not like, “pure” light, more like light as in the flashy stuff.

And it would be for this reason that Nightmare Moon had lost. You know, ignoring all the stupid things she did. Celestia obviously could never entrust the real Elements to her, in risk of her actually being able to take their dark power for her own. So little did Nightmare Moon know, but in that deal she had made with Celestia, Celestia was in control the entire time, with the real elements in her possession all along. Nightmare Moon had played right into her hooves, and lost for her arrogance. And stupidity. I must have mentioned that stupidity thing a few thousand times by now.

I guess I’m just disappointed in Nightmare Moon. You had so much potential, girl. I’ve seen it before. You think you really got something, but in a second’s time, it all dissipates into thin air as soon as you trust Celestia with anything. I’ve certainly learned not to.

But let’s analyze where the real Elements were. And the story behind Celestia’s own actions at the time.

Obviously, as concluded, the mane six never once held the real Elements during this time. After all, if they were the real Elements, if Celestia with her Elements could not rehabilitate her sister during the Civil War, why would it now? The Elements were powered by dark magic after all, how could they do anything like redeeming? All they could do was punish “evil” through its own version of evil.

In truth, when it came to Luna’s purification, Celestia handled it with her own power, a redemption spell if you would, which in turn, explains her disappearance while shit was going down.

After all, it is said that upon Luna’s redemption, Celestia randomly appeared from the adjacent castle window to forgive to her sister.[456] Isn’t that nice. Nicely convenient!

Of course, purification spells, while strong, were not always enough, especially in dealing with an alicorn princess possessed by the strongest of Nightmare forces. They could not be used by a being so impure such as Celestia, with all her naughty sexual escapades. How can you still have wear a white coat after all the stuff you’ve done? Don’t tell me it’s part of your fur, that’s just more lies. Oh, and the whole mother of dark magic thing too.

Therefore, to properly use the purification spell, she would need an extra helping of dark magic. What? Don’t question my logic here. That’s just how magic works.

Just think about it. If the dark becomes too dark, then it becomes light! And if it’s light light, that’s simply too much light. And if you look at something too bright, you see black. There we go.

So where did Celestia hide the essence of the true Elements? Well, while a mare certainly has many secret areas to hide things in (and technically, so does a colt), this is another one of those “Celestia hiding it in plain sight for us smarties to see” kinda deal.

For has anypony noticed that the main jewel of Celestia’s crown is purple? And wasn’t purple the dominant color of the main Element of Magic?

If purple is the “leader of the Elements”, so to speak, purple would obviously be the dominant color in their combined power. And so the purple jewel in her crown represents Celestia’s “crowning achievement”, if you would excuse the pun; her hiding of the true essence of the elements. And that extra purple jewel on her…bib thing? Just some extra evil she keeps behind. In case of purple-related emergencies.

And let us not forget, when a unicorn uses dark magic, what color does their horn turn into? Usually, unicorn horns shine a specific light in regards to the unicorn’s own personal magic, but under all the documented cases of dark magic, it is always known to be purple.

As this unites with my Elements = dark magic theory, as well as the Celestia evil crown theory, this observation clearly holds weight. And water. Weighted water.

This discovery can even be extended past my original idea. Twilight Sparkle is a purple unicorn isn’t she? Another one of those “clear hints” of Celestia! Celestia was behind her birth, and she made her purple on purpose, as another hint that not only was Twilight chosen and molded by dark magic, but she would hold the darkest magic of all as the leader of the Elements and future successor to the throne! It all fits!

And there’s more!

Spike! Purple!

Twilight’s balloon! Purple!

And that’s all I have. But believe me when I say that these three things obviously point to the obvious point of the evilness of the color purple.

So Celestia needed another source of dark power to properly fuel this powerful redemption spell, and by using her own power, the true foul essence of the elements sealed in her crown, and that extra helping of dark magic (now we know why she’s wearing a bib all the time), simply waited outside the window for the whole time to hit Luna with the spell.

And when did she choose to fire? As soon as that rainbow hit. The mane six would be conveniently blinded, Nightmare Moon would be kinda occupied with an engulfing show of pretty lights and rainbows,[457] and no one would be any the wiser. Everypony except me. Because I’ve realized the truth, and I am better for it.

For in this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of Celestia’s lies. But because, I am enlightened by my intelligence.

I gotta say, it sure feels good looking down upon others. I can see why Celestia likes it so much.

With all this finally explained, the event was pretty much over.

As I said before, with Luna redeemed, Twilight made the same mistake that her previous foe had made; she had played right into Celestia’s hooves. For throughout the experience, and experiencing first-hooved the real “power of friendship” (which just happened to actually be a nicely colored rainbow light show and a well-timed dark-magic powered redemption spell; real great lesson for the kids, Celestia), Twilight had learned about friendship and magic. Unfortunately, she also learned more than she would ever know.

Twilight would of course plead with Celestia to allow her to stay in Ponyville with her friends, saying that she had “learned how wonderful it is to have friends, [and she did not want] to leave them”.[458] Celestia, you really don’t let up for a second, huh? It’s not enough that you had to manipulate your way to shove your friendship ploys down the poor pony’s throat, you had to make her beg for it. Just another way you get off, I suppose.

So Celestia of course “graciously” allowed Twilight to stay, all-the-while reciting the moral on the importance of friendship just to make sure it really sunk in.[459] Another victory lap for Celestia. Ugh.

If there’s one lesson Celestia needs to learn, it’s to close her legs once and a while. And subtlety. She needs a big ol’ heaping lesson in subtlety. And there’s nothing more subtle than closing your eyes during the Equestrian Games, to take a nap of sorts during the javelin tossing event. If you’re reading this (and I hope that you are, I’ll be sending a copy of this essay your way once the world is ready for it), please keep this lesson in mind for next year.

To close off this event properly, we’ve got to get into what would become of Luna. For it’s not as cut and dry as you might’ve thought.

In Chapter 22, as I said, Nightmare Moon was most recognized as the evil, vampiric-like pony instead of the envious, crazed Luna who created the name in the first place. This was the reason for Celestia creating Nightmare Night, in an attempt for her to attempt to separate the villainy of Nightmare Moon and the “good-heartedness” of Princess Luna. To make it seem as though instead of Luna turning ~~flutter~~batshit ~~crazy~~ great and starting the war herself, that she was instead possessed by the Nightmare forces. Creating the front that the one who started the war was Nightmare Moon, which would allow her to retain Luna’s “good” image (good in the figurative sense of course, there was still that whole dream invasions thing) for a thousand years.

Of course, all this prep work would go to naught once Celestia was actually given the opportunity to reform Luna, making one wonder why she bothered in the first place.

You might think that as according to modern history, the sisters’ reunion was a joyous and touching one. Finally, the sisters were a family again, and could see past their mistakes of centuries long ago, and more importantly; could forgive each other and themselves. After a thousand years of sadness and isolation, such a reunion must have been heartbreakingly sweet.

But it wasn’t. Sure, Celestia had to put on a show for everypony else, especially at Luna’s return party in Ponyville, but there were some hidden secrets and secret hidings that would transpire upon Luna’s return to Canterlot. Namely the whole re-banishing to the moon incident.

For once Luna had played her part, in her happy return and redemption for all of Equestria to see, in the privacy of her castle, Celestia, using the dark essence of the Elements, went up and banished her to the moon again.

Why? Probably for the shits and giggles.

How do I know this? How the heck can I make such a claim? After all, the sadness that befell Celestia after the Equestrian Civil War and the forceful banishment of her sister had characterized an entire era. And upon reuniting with each other, they both would have been so happy and their love for one another would fill up the old wounds in their hearts.

So why in the wide, wide world of Equestria would Celestia do something so rash and OOC-ish?

Well, not to worry, I’ve got proof. Again.

Brief photos of Luna after her reawakening show her in her what I assume to be original form (as no pictures of her survive before this point in history). A solid light blue mane, and a paler blue complexion. However, upon on her next public appearance, little more than a year later, she looked drastically different; her height becoming closer to Celestia’s and her coat and mane became much darker, with a starry effect within. What’s the deal with that?

The official reason was that this was just her weakened form, it would take time for her to regain her strength and return to her normal form.[460] But fuck that.

There is one explanation and one explanation only. Celestia must’ve gone and banished her sister to the moon again.

As I said, with her return, Luna played her part. She showed to Equestria that the final remnants of the Equestrian Civil War were now over; both sisters had forgiven each other, the balance between sun and moon had returned, and most importantly, Equestria had gained a bit of its spirit back; content that this new power of friendship could defeat even the strongest of evils. The Millennial Stagnation was finally over (and thank freakin’ goodness for that).

So with the illusion of friendship now strengthened in the minds of the six and all of Equestria, while simultaneously hiding the true culprit behind the victory, Celestia and her dark magic, she had succeeded in her evil quest.

Upon redemption, Luna was indeed returned to her weakened state, which allowed Celestia to banish her to the moon again without any real problems. Ignoring all the pain she had went through during the Stagnation, and how happy she would have been upon her sister’s return. No, this is surely the most logical thing she did in dealing with Luna. Because she knew the dark powers of the Elements and the redemption spell couldn’t redeem her, ‘cuz even when it was all said and done, the redemption spell was still dark magic after all. And, as an aside, when all was said and done, Celestia was still an evil prick too.

So, faced with the possibility of having to deal with Equestrian Civil War Part 2: First Blood upon Luna’s re-strengthening, it’s clear what Celestia did, sisterly love notwithstanding. Best to strike when the iron’s hot, right? Or when the alicorn sister is weak, whatever idiom floats your socks.

Heck, I bet she even laughed maniacally while shoving more cake in her mouth as she did so. She probably saw it as payback from the last time they fought.

In the end, however, in order to maintain the continued illusion, other preparations had to be made. For while the real Luna was secretly re-banished for no real reason in particular, everypony across Equestria knew that Luna had returned (because Celestia wanted to show off Equestria’s strength without actually having to deal with the return of her sister), and as such, new complications arose. And with this, Celestia was forced to hastily create a Luna doppelganger.

Stop laughing. No, I mean it. It’s not the weirdest thing to come out of this essay.

Celestia had of course experimented with clones before. The mirror pool, of course, was one of her most darkest and sinister of cloning secrets. But there was always the problem of clone deterioration, something that continued to weaken her military to this day. So, contrary to popular belief, during her off time in the Stagnation, she wasn’t entirely in grief (after all, a couple of centuries mourning for your banished sister isn’t exactly reasonable), but rather, she was experimenting with ways to improve upon her clones. Maybe experiment with making a few Luna clones to help her loneliness. And maybe she tried making a few Starswirl clones as well! That would explain why Starswirl somehow kept living on, right? R-r-right?

Of course, Celestia’s experiments yielded little fruit, and for the moment, she had to stick with her mirror pool clones. But upon realizing that by re-banishing Luna to the moon, she had opened up a whole box of troubles she hadn’t even realized (the least of which would be Luna’s understandably pissed off return after another thousand years); that she would have to fool the public into thinking Luna was back for good this time. So the secret clone experiments returned after their centuries of hiatus.

Because the process of experimenting in the creation of a proper Luna clone took a long time (as Celestia did not exactly have the mirror pool to use, given that Luna was kinda banished before she had to chance to be forcibly plunged into it), Celestia used the fact that “Luna was readjusting to new society” and was therefore kept locked up in Celestia’s castle, as the royal excuse.[461] And apparently that stupid excuse worked. Because Luna wasn’t to be seen for at least a year. Not even at the gala. And no pony would ever question it.

No pony until now, of course. However, it seems that I’ve struck a few three years too late. But you know what they say, better late than the early bird’s worm. Because like heck I’m gonna be some dumb bird’s breakfast.

Traditionalists also agree upon this excuse, stating that her lengthened absence was because Luna still felt quite shy, and much preferred to watch over the night in solitude as she adapted to her the changes of the nation and her lost thousand years.[462] But again, this is another convenient excuse.

No, she was absent because Celestia had to keep experimenting on constructing a Luna clone from scratch. One built in her own image, yet still shorter and lankier than her (to fit in with some descriptions of Luna’s past appearance). And more importantly, one who would be stupider than the original (and given that IQ drop from the Nightmare Moon deal, is saying something) to ensure she would never rise against her again.

That’s why this new Luna’s appearance became “retconned” into being her original form and her previous returning appearance was said to have been her “weakened state”, even though that’s what Luna always looked like. It’s not like anypony other than Celestia could refute this claim; no pony still alive had ever saw Luna’s original appearance. Stop arguing with me, this totally happened. All other “canon” reasons pale in logic with this one so zip it.

And Celestia succeeded. Once perfecting her formula by adding Chemical Socially Awkward, this new Luna was sure to be a hit. But of course, this doppelganger was not perfect. Adding “Chemical So. Awks.” was a last ditch resort, and would only serve to heighten possible distrust in this false Luna’s true identity. (for the sake of clarity, let us rename this false Luna into the singular “Luna”; after all, the real Luna wouldn’t exactly be making any sudden appearances in history, if you catch my drift). So Celestia, all the while continuing on her crusade of consuming baked goods, searched for another way to make perfect(er?) copies. Something we will return to reallll soon.

Sure, Luna’s present awkwardness upon her return was explained away by traditionalist historians, saying that Luna, during this “rehabilitation” back into society, would often use the Royal Canterlot voice, which also had to net effect of scaring most ponies away.[463] But she would continue to use it because that’s how she always talked; after all, in the past, it was the only way Luna could speak and have anypony properly pay attention.[464] But I say that’s stupid, and you’re stupid. No. We’re sticking with the doppelganger and Chemical Socially Awkward idea. Luna’s Royal Canterlot voice can be explained as mild retardation brought on by the doppelganger creation process.

So with this Luna question now put to rest once and for all (to summarize, the real Luna was sent to the moon, while a fake one was put in her place, with nopony none the wiser), we can finally end this whole façade of an event we call Nightmare Moon’s return.

With the powers of the (false) Elements now in these “right” hooves of the six, it ensured that their strength would never go forgotten again. These elements were sure to solve every moment of crisis, be it rogue attacks of evil or invasions of the sinister, like a deus ex machina shoved in to save the day.

And they would always be used.

Always.

Because the writers (of history mind you, which would obviously be the fabricators, Celestia and her Echelon) would never give up their dark power; that would be absurd.

Now if you would excuse me for a moment, I need to get to my part-time job. I know it’s shameful that such a brilliant mind as myself must devolve myself into such labor, but the trials of geniuses are never easy. Where’s my weed-whacker?

The real hidden Elements and the role of the mane six would come into much more importance in the next year, but for now, the rest of Twilight’s time in Ponyville was devoted to inane things, like pest management and dealing with snide zebras.[465] Ooh, perish the thought.

We’ll just skip most of the backstory and situations that the mane six found themselves in once a week (according to regularly scheduled programming), which often cumulated in a friendship letter to Celestia466.

After all, what kind of idiot would spend their time watching the playful 22 minute misadventures of these pastel ponies? They’d have to have less of a life than some writer who writes 100,000+ word fanfictions for the better part of a year.

Anyways, if you want a recap of this crap, just read the letters in Celestia’s archives. Or illegally watch them through Celestia’s supposed multiscreen spiritual plane in which she watches these “episodes” in the lives of these ponies in high definition video quality and sound, with appropriate directorial direction and camera angles. But now I’m just sounding absurd.

Let’s move on, shall we? The Elements and the six weren’t done screwing around with history just yet. And with a certain someone’s return, it ensured that these mane six, in accordance to Celestia’s ultimate plan, would have a role to play in Equestria yet.

Chapter 29: Return of Chaos – The Great Game

To whomever is responsible for signing the lawsuit cheques for Silly Filly Press,

I had recently purchased (well, perhaps purchased may be too strong of a word; let’s say acquired) your book, “How the Sea-Pony Wished Upon a Star and Unknowingly Started Racial Prosecution Under An Emergent Fascist Regime: A Collection of Filly’s Tales and Legends that Start Off Whimsical But End in Destruction and Death; Longest Most Rambling Title for a Filly’s Book Award Winning Edition”, and I am writing to lodge a formal complaint.

I had recently attempted the recipe for the “Love Poison of Hearts and Hooves Day Legend” as described in great detail on page 73. To be exact, I had attempted to use the poison on a pony that I had been infatuated with for the past year (for testing purposes only of course), who, for anonymity’s sake, shall be henceforth addressed in this letter as “C. Larry”.

After his rejecting of all my clearly obvious advances (and honestly, who could resist a body like mine? I have attached a tastefully nude picture to this letter, marked Appendix A, for reference’s sake), I was forced to devolve to such a level.

I am quite knowledgeable (if I may say so myself) on its supposed potency and in its role in bringing down the Equinus Republic (please spare me from pretending you don’t know what I’m talking about; I know Celestia probably paid you off to keep that a secret), yet by following the recipe exactly, the effects that I had sought seemed to be unavailable. In fact, if I may state it in my blunt, professional opinion, it “sucked major balls”.

Well, perhaps “following the recipe exactly”, isn’t the best choice of words to use. But if the day comes when a chicken feather can’t be used as an adequate substitute for a pegasus’, and Skittles® aren’t seen as a valid magical ingredient, then slap my ass and call me Judy. The potion’s color is supposed to be brown, right?

Yes, I am very aware of the "do not attempt at home" disclaimer placed in large bold letters at the start of the page, and the “poison effects may vary”, as I’m sure your lawyers are quick to point out. But I chose not to read that part at the time, so I certainly can't be held accountable for that.

Therefore, if I may “jump the lawsuit”, so-to-speak, I am officially lodging this formal complaint over this certain recipe of a certain love potion printed in a certain one of your books. Certainly.

I demand an immediate apology, retraction and re-printing of all offending copies, and financial restitution (preferably in the thousands range, though I will be the better pony and ask for an amount in the millions range instead) for all the emotional distress caused by this abject failure on your part.

I went to all the effort of slipping the drink into his cup of whisky, and after drinking it, he just ended up looking at me a little awkwardly as I dutifully stared at him for ten minutes. Upon realizing the failure of my master plan (one of the few failures I had ever received, I can assure you), I broke down crying.

And I mean like all-out bawling, like a slobbering mess. Cuz once you get rejected for the fifteenth time from a homeless pony who’s living in your house and your backup plan “Operation Hot Larry” goes sour, you know your life has gone from bad to worse.

Luckily, it all worked out in the end. After seeing me totally break down, sobbing on the floor; y’know, the works, I got a pity fuck from him later. And now we’re in a happily loving relationship for three days straight already, so things are finally looking up for me I guess.

Nonetheless, for all ten minutes of my emotional distress and humiliation, I still do stand firm in my demands from your fat cat capitalist publishing press. On top of the lawsuit, I am writing to seek a full refund from the book that I had ~~stolen~~ purchased regarding the poison, and I also demand that your publishing firm buy up all copies of my self-published book, "An Abhorrent Offense: Princess Luna and the Invasion of Privacy” as a further apology.

In the event that these demands are not achieved, you can expect immediate action from my highly professional legal team (just me and my anonymous legal advisor, who shall be known as “Crazy L.”), as we go over to your headquarters and beat up your CEO with sticks until he starts to sing campfire songs in the voice of a little girl.

Looking forward to hearing from you,
Loose Change

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The return of such a grand character (of history), Discord, is of course considered to be one of the most significant events of the new millennium. Well, its significance is behind the circumstances and consequences of the return of Nightmare Moon, but it’s still probably ahead of the Pegasi Spring. For good reason too, Discord’s return would be the last shining beacon of hope that us historians would see for a while yet; he was the only one capable of defeating Celestia at her own game (that I know of at least), and the only one with the power to return Equestria to its righteous past.

The events surrounding his re-awakening, rampage, and resealing could be said to have two major impacts on history. The first, and most significant of which, was the strengthening of the pro-friendship sentiment around Equestria and the greater expectations and responsibilities it placed on Twilight and her fun chum squad. The second significant thing of course, was that it also allowed Discord to proudly return into the annals of history, and set up his future redemption.

Of course, like everything in history, there’s so much more than all that. There’s so much more you peons don’t understand. So many things hidden from your eyesight, yet as plain as the nose on your face. Seriously, have you ever heard of rhinoplasty before?

Don’t worry, you’re not completely hopeless just yet.[467] You’ve got Equestria’s greatest scholar, Loose Change, watching your back.[468] You just need a re-education lesson so you can see these things more clearly. It’s like how wearing these spiritual bracelets I bought from that shady looking shop-pony in the alleys of Canterlot allows you to see UV radiation, the very thing that Celestia uses to poison us each day. I’m telling you, once you appreciate things in a different light, you’ll be able to see things how they really are. And Discord’s return and defeat would be a shining example of this. For nothing is as it seems when Celestia’s involved. Show us a copy of your long-form weight records already! What are you hiding?

Let’s just get to it, starting from where we last left off with Discord.

You might think nothing particularly interesting probably happened with him; he was still stoned off his mind for well over a thousand years, but best be assured that he had a plan yet. And he would be back~~, bitches~~!

In the official story, Celestia knew Discord would escape eventually, especially with the “switching” of the Elements of Harmony to the mane six weakening the seal of his stone prison, but the question is why he chose to take so long.

After all, he could have escaped a season ago when the switch first occurred. Wait, did I say season? I meant year.

Traditionalist historians say that it was the same scenario behind the escape of the Nightmare forces. While the seal was weakened, it would take another year before it would weaken to the extent that Discord needed to escape.[469]

But I say otherwise. Discord took a while to escape for a different reason entirely. Mainly because he couldn’t. At least not at the moment. I’ll explain in due time.

In my version of things, while Celestia knew Discord would eventually free himself, she was content in the knowledge that she held the upper hoof, and her possession of the Elements of Harmony would defeat him. And she probably thought that with his release, she could simultaneously teach the six a good friendship lesson. So she wasn’t exactly bothered too much by his escape, at least initially. She might’ve even planned some portions of it out!

All Celestia had to do was place the Elements in a box with a charm that Discord couldn’t access. And how did that work out for ya, huh? Like always, this security measure failed miserably. Our supremely powerful goddess everypony!

Technically, those Elements were pretty powerless (we’re talking about the fakes after all), but if they were missing, she couldn’t reseal Discord under the guise of the mane six’s own power and pwetty lightshow. However, Celestia still did hold the actual Elements’ power elsewhere (and not with her like you may think. More on that later). So, their loss to Discord while regrettable, was not the end-all-be-all that mane six had thought it was, and Celestia was not too peeved from this.

When Discord talked to Celestia (and the mane six, who were present too for some reason) for the first time in well over a millennium, Discord let slip that he knew of her dark power and the truth about the Elements of Harmony. Discord may have been unaware of this at the moment of his sealing, but after years of solitude and thought, he surely must have reached this accurate conclusion.

How do I know this happened? How could Discord tell Celestia he knew of this during their confrontation without alerting the mane six as well? Well this time, I’ve got proof that this occurred.

Yes, you may shut your agape mouths, I feel like you’re just demeaning me at this point. Using transcripts from the most reliable and academically-oriented source present at the event, who once bribed with enough cupcakes spilled the beans,[470] a certain Pinkamena Diane Pie.

According to her, the pre-Discord conversation quickly switched topics to discuss chocolate rain.[471] What could this mean?

Well, chocolates are made of cocoa.

Cocoa can be deadly to diabetics.

Aka, upon his release, Discord promised to rain down death upon Equestria.

Wait, that can’t be right, it doesn’t fit in with Discord’s nature. Let’s re-examine this then.

Chocolate rain.

Chocolates can be delicious.

Deliciousness is good.

Of course. How could I make such an oversight? Upon his release, Discord promised to free Equestria from the shackles of Celestia’s chains. As you can see, sometimes Hyper Conspiracy Analysis Technique Ultra EX can easily backfire after it’s already been used once.

Well anyways, freeing Equestria was exactly what Discord promised to do, I’m sure of it.

Let’s examine this further. What exactly did Discord say to tip off Celestia of his knowledge?

Returning to the transcript, certain lines of his draw immediate attention.[472] Let’s get down to that good ol’ analyzing business.

“I don't turn ponies into stone.”[473]

The first significant line of this exchange. With this, it’s clear that Discord is immediately drawing attention to his prior stone imprisonment to catch Celestia’s attention.

“I just borrowed [the Elements] for a teensy little while.”[474]

Teensy?! Teensy. Not only does this line signify that Discord has the Elements in his possession, but it tells Celestia of something else entirely. The use of the word “borrowed” makes it seem as though he knows that the Elements are no threat, and therefore, by “borrowing” it, he intends to return it. And I think the evilness of the word “teensy” speaks for itself.

Already a line is being drawn, an evil “connect-the-dots” if you would. Discord has already drawn out Point A (stone imprisonment + Elements usage) and Point B (teensy = evil + new Elements hold no power). And now all he has to do is connect ‘em to each other.

“Oh, I'd forgotten how grim you can be, Celestia. It's really quite boring.”[475]

And there we have it. The piece de resistance.

Grim. Grim reaper pony anybody? Or, the bringer of death and evil. To really ensure Discord’s point is hammered even further, he adds more to this statement, calling her boring too. Boringness leads to apathy. And apathy is the root of all evil. So with this, he was directly calling out Celestia for her evil.

Therefore, upon deciphering this message, Discord’s message to Celestia was quite clear. “I know the usage of the Elements is evil, and you are too. However, I also know that the real power of the Elements is not within the new Elements; they are with you instead.”

In fact, I heard from my source that Celestia became progressively angrier and angrier as Discord spoke. The evil connect-the-dots was realized. And once Discord issued his challenge to the mane six, did you notice that none of the sources say that Celestia went as well to help them? She just wished them good luck and kinda just stood there.[476]

For at that moment, Discord was hinting that if she was to intervene further, he would be more than willing to spill these state secrets to all of Equestria, and as such, restricted Celestia’s intervention. Celestia was forced, like the mane six in his challenge, to play Discord’s game, by his rules, his way. And that meant she’d be sitting this one out.

After all, if the mane six and the rest of Equestria were to find out everything that he had uncovered, there would be catastrophe in the streets, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

So why I am revealing the truth so readily in my essay? Because as I said, as scholars, we have a right to educate all others. Consequences be damned. Come at me Celestia! I ain’t afraid of a “goddess” who can’t even pull off a decent protective charm on a box! I’ve got a shiv with your name on it!

Therefore, Discord effectively removed Celestia from the equation, like the clever master planner he was. Of course, this brings up the obvious question, why did the six not question Celestia’s logic here?

After all, the six were the only ones who could use the false Elements of Harmony yes, but finding them after they were hidden by Discord could have been a task done by the entirety of the Royal Guard and Celestia herself. But no, it had to be the mane six. Celestia and her Royal Guard were too busy with the whole twiddling of their hooves and sitting on their asses thing that had going on. They just couldn’t be bothered with this kinda thing. Of course.

So Celestia’s lack of intervention here only solidifies my point that Celestia was forced to stay away due to Discord’s knowledge. After all, logically, she had no reason to rely solely on the mane six. The six’s lack of questioning on this shows that not only were they pretty stupid, but blindly believed in Celestia’s belief in them.

How could this be? Well, years of being molded by Celestia and her Echelon into the ponies she wanted them to be certainly didn’t help. For it was this devotion to the words of their princess that made them such a great tool for Celestia to use, and caused them to be chosen as the successors to the Elements of Harmony. That, and the actual hypnosis that she put them through.

Yes, not only were they hypnotized figuratively, but literally as well. This probably happened once they embraced the powers of the false Elements, like a “in using these false Elements to defeat Nightmare Moon, you also consent to be forcefully hypnotized to serve the Equestrian will” kind of deal, allowing Celestia to manipulate them subconsciously to serve her foul will.

In fact, on an aside, this hypnosis explains why sometimes these six could act “out of character” in certain situations. Celestia was manipulating them using this innate hypnotism to force them to act OOC-ish, to serve to create a conflict that could only be solved by the “magic of friendship”. Think of the hypnosis from when Twilight put the Want It Need It Spell on Ponyville times a hundred.[477]

Because Celestia was creating friendship conflicts on purpose.[478] It’s all a conspiracy I tell you.

That explains Celestia’s utmost trust in the six over all other ponies, ever over her *pssch “elite” royal guards. Sorry, cracking up there. The royal guards are literally a joke nowadays, always being propped up to be defeated by the “villain of the month”, so to speak. I bet even I could take ‘em. And have you seen me?

I mean, even if I were Celestia (perish the thought!), even I wouldn’t trust them. When was the last time they did anything useful? No, really? They couldn’t even find Celestia’s pet bird, hidden by notable doormat, Fluttershy. Let me repeat, the elite of the elite royal guards lost to Fluttershy. Rather pathetic if you ask me. And I know about pathetic, I’ve had to beg a homeless pony to love me before. This alone might explain why Celestia wouldn’t trust them too much, but I’m gonna stick with my hypnotism theory. It makes Celestia seem that much more manipulative and evil, something I’ll always accept with loving arms.

This also explains why Celestia initially seemed so nonchalant in facing Discord or learning he had stolen the false Elements. Because she knew that those sparkly necklaces and crown were pretty useless when it came down to it. If Equestria was truly in danger when the new Elements disappeared, especially with the return of the a hundred year ruler who supposedly “oppressed” Celestia and Luna in their fillyhoods,[479] left Equestria in shambles, and forced them to rise up with the Elements to defeat him, you would think Celestia would be MUCH more fearful, or at least show some kind of emotion other than being slightly peeved. Her first reaction to discovering Discord had escaped was less of abject rage and fury and more of a pony who discovered her appointment with her hairdresser would be delayed till Monday. Such a reaction doesn’t exactly inspire Celestia’s concern with his return.

This just goes to show Celestia always knew that the “new” Elements held little power and was aware of Discord’s eventual return a longgg time ago. Notice in the transcription that things only changed once Discord revealed he knew of the truth, in which only then, an emotion similar to that of anger and fear appeared on her face. Not that I would know, I only have a transcription here, but I can easily postulate.

Let’s examine Discord’s riddle. Maybe I can wring out a bit of extra analysis from that. Discord had said that the Elements were back where they began. What the heck does that mean? It could be assumed to be the Ponyville library sure, (which is where they were eventually found) but at the beginning of the ~~episode~~ day, the first time the mane six met was at Sweet Apple Acres. So we can cross that out. Could it mean the first time the six met overall? I suppose that’s possible too, all six did first unite at the library. But if Discord had such amazing foresight, why not go further?

After all, Twilight was born in Canterlot. Or even further, she began in the womb. Or if you insist on going further (which I should warn you not to do), she really began as a glint in her daddy’s balls.[480] There are multitudes of possibilities really. But let’s quit this topic while we’re ahead.

Let’s turn our discussion[481] to how Discord found out about all of this during his rumination. While Discord was locked in stone, he kept a watchful eye as well. He had a knack for sensing magical imbalances (that was pretty much his whole power after all), and in sensing Nightmare Moon’s return, he knew the lightshow used to defeat her was in essence, useless. He knew the real power of the Elements was in Celestia’s hooves (from when he sensed her reform Luna from behind the window), and the physical Elements themselves were simply flashy light toys. The ones with knockoff names like “SUPRAPONY” and blinking LED lights for some reason that stop flashing after an hour.[482] He knew that the real power to fear was in Celestia’s hooves all along, and therefore, after he ensured that Celestia could not take any real action of her own (by blackmailing her with the release of the truth if she was to interfere), he had thought he had sealed the greatest opposition to his return.

So Discord, knowing the Elements themselves were powerless, had no qualms with returning them to the six. But, despite all his intelligence (it seems only the truly enlightened in knowledge, me and Larry, were smart enough to notice the truth), like everypony else, he believed that perhaps they had another power in friendship.

Or something along those lines. For while he knew the Elements’ power was really from Celestia’s dark mechanisms, he suspected some kind of importance to the “power of friendship”, or why else would Celestia push the concept so hard? Therefore, even after sealing Celestia’s interference, and with it (in his mind), the power of the Elements, he went the extra mile to destroy friendships, just in case.

How Discord did so, I’m not sure. Unfortunately, just like with the Equinus orgies, this information isn’t privy to history. Celestia probably wanted to keep the mane six’s downfall a secret to avoid others from exploiting their weaknesses.

Well, let’s break this down then. It couldn’t been through manipulation (see my explanation rebutting the “Disorder of a Hundred Days"). So…um, maybe he used love potions again? Does that make sense?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes it does! In fact, using love to destroy friendships was the perfect solution for him. After all, I’ve seen many stuck-up unicorn bitches in my time at Canterlot, and I know the best way to destroy friendships between two mares is to throw a colt into the mix. Whether it’s jealousy, romantic rivalry, or sleeping with somepony else’s coltfriend when drunk, love has a certain power to smash even the most powerful of friendships. Which is why I don’t need friends when I’ve got my one and only life companion right here, my husbando Larry.

To re-catch our original train of thought before it leaves ~~imagination~~ historical truth station, under the principles of relationships in Japonyese culture (don’t ask me where that might be, a pony island to the east probably), the different natures of the corrupted six tie in exactly with such things. Therefore, upon Discord sneaking them a different form of the infamous love potion, each of the prevalent five[483] were affected in different ways, releasing their hidden inner romantic side for the world to see.

Break it down!

Applejack revealed her tsundere side, as a country girl who just can’t be honest with her feelings. It’s not like she wanted you to hear her talking to herself, b-b-baka.

Rarity became a yandere, holding a near obsessive love for one thing. In this case, it was some handsome stallion named Tom,[484] supposedly quite the large and sturdy fellow, who she had loved with all her heart, and became violent towards all others who tried to interfere in their love.

Pinkie Pie was revealed to be the rare kuudere, characterized by her dual nature. On the outside, she was supposedly cold and distant, but in truth, she was just afraid of rejection. Upon drinking the love potion, she seemed to become unfriendly, as she closed herself off from everypony. But all she really needed was to let the right one in to make her smile.

Fluttershy was shown to be one of those dominatrix types who gets off to S&M type romance. Don't judge pls. We all have our fetishes. It makes sense too. Outside she’s all benign and friendly, but in the bedroom, she’s probably quite a doozie. Must have some unicorn in her.[485] The only difference between her pre- and post- love potion form was that she was now more revealing in her fetish, blatantly punishing her “perceived masochistic victims” in public.

And lastly, Rainbow Dash became a hopeless romantic, which is why after drinking her dose, she rushed back to Cloudsdale to meet up with her Original Childhood pegasi friend with a black colored coat, dark red mane and green eyes, whom she had made a ten year promise with long ago, who was strangely never mentioned or brought up before. She rushed to confess her love to him right before he left Equestria 4ever, and he chose to stay behind with her as they shared a blossoming romance that was sure to capture your feels and be the envy of all romantic fanfic writers everywhere.

Now I don’t exactly have any evidence that all this actually happened, but according to some sources I have interviewed,[486] this is totally how these five would act in canon when facing a romantic situation. And if you can’t trust the guys who are writing 100,000 word long romantic fanfics about pastel colored equines, who can you trust? The hospital doctors? Gurl, please.

And I’ve got some token information to back it up too. Rainbow Dash apparently is a big sissy; she does love hooficures after all.[487] So it only makes sense that she has a secret pegasi childhood sweetheart back at Cloudsdale, ‘cuz she’s a major softie. And Fluttershy was previously a fashion model, and as such, must have surely ventured into the fetishized world that this line of work had offered. After exposure to that kinda environment, I wouldn’t blame her adoption of all sorts of kinks. Doesn’t mean I still don’t judge her though.[488] I know this is only two out of the six who were corrupted,[489] but as you may know, that’s math you just can’t solve, so you must acquit. If the glove fits. What was I talking about again?[490]

So with this information in mind, this all fits in with how they supposedly acted when they encountered Discord's love potion. We should be lucky he didn’t given them the other kind of love potion he had. But if such a scenario did arise, I'm sure I could find plenty of other fanfic writers to provide me with good sources for that too.

Of course, friendship was useless,[491] it was more of an appearance. So Discord didn’t really have to go to all that trouble. Especially considering that while he was so focused on that, he had overlooked the real downfall of his plan.

For the one thing Discord did not consider was that the innate dark magic of the Elements was not with Celestia, but was actually sealed within the six all along.

Let me explain. Celestia realized that she needed a new host for the Elements to feed off of, as she was too lazy to wield them herself and would rather have other more expendable ponies[492] carry the weight of that dark magic.

Celestia, of course, did this once she knew the mane six could be fully trusted after Nightmare Moon’s defeat. Think of the Nightmare Moon incident as a test run of sorts, a crucible they had to pass, before the Elements’ true power could be transferred to them. But the power wasn’t sealed into those useless trinkets like you may think.

“Oh!” you might say, “she must’ve done this when the ‘new’ Elements swirled around the six, transformed into the shapes of their cutie marks, and seemed to enter their bodies.”[493]

No, you insignificant waste of space. I just said in the last chapter that those things were just decoys, light shows.

No, Celestia sealed the dark essence of the Elements into the six when she treated them all out to donuts at the end of the Grand Galloping Gala in 2011.[494] Probably mixed it into the batter and all that. While they thought they were biting into delicious donuty goodness, in truth what was really occurring was that the deliciously dark powers of the Elements were entering their bodies through their digestive tracts. True story. It’s the only incident in which the transfer could have possibly occurred.

This would explain why the first thing that happened to Twilight upon moving into Ponyville was receive tickets to the aforementioned Gala. Immediately after using the Elements to reseal her sister to the moon, Celestia probably thought to herself at the last moment, “Why the heck do I still have to do all this crap? I’ll just let those six idiots do my dirty work from now on.” And upon realizing she missed her golden opportunity to complete the transfer upon the defeat of Nightmare Moon, she decided to pull off her ploy at the upcoming Gala.

In fact, further proof of this could be found at Celestia’s own admittance; Celestia had practically outright stated that she had wanted the Gala to go sour,[495] practically demonstrating that she had planned it out from the very beginning. To purposely ensure the six would have awful nights; paying off the animals to avoid Fluttershy, telling her nephew (in title only) to act like a dick (not that he needed much prodding mind you, he was a unicorn after all), hiring the shittiest party planners beforehand, etc. All this to ensure that the six would meet at the donut shop in Canterlot and allow Celestia to seal the Elements’ dark magic inside of them.

She would have two helpers to pull off this feat (not including the work of The Echelon, who must have worked especially hard to ensure that her plan would go off without a cinch); a certain Spike the Dragon and Pony Joe, the latter of which is the sole worker and proprietor of the Canterlot Donut Shop.[496]

Spike would act as the centerpoint to the plan; the mane six would arrive at the shop to meet up with him upon the disaster of their nights. And let us not forget that Spike serves not only Twilight, but Princess Celestia as well. Suspicious, no? Of course, Celestia didn’t really have to worry about him spoiling the plan; dragons are known to be pretty stupid.[497] Celestia didn’t even have to tell him anything regarding her true intentions, she’d just have to suggest this great donut place conveniently near the Gala,[499] and Spike, the gluttonous dragon he is, would be ensured to stay there for the entirety of the night.

It was Pony Joe who would prove to be more difficult to keep quiet. After all, he was responsible for making the dark essence’d donuts after all, serving as a pretty clear witness to all of Celestia’s trickery and crimes. Pony Joe was forced to do Celestia’s dirty work for her, but there was no way to ensure he could keep his trap shut. So, in order to close the loop, she forcefully eliminated him once the Elements were successfully transferred and his job was done (probably giving the original Luna a buddy in the moon this time). Of course, as she didn’t have the Elements this time to use, she probably just used her extra purple evil bib magic. After all, if this wasn’t considered a purple-related emergency, then what was?

But Pony Joe’s disappearance would surely be looked at with some kind of suspicion, or at least some semblance of acknowledgement, and Celestia had to deal with this too. So after banishing Pony Joe to the moon after the mane six had gone home, she quietly replaced him with another one of her tested doppelgangers, called “Donut Joe”. Celestia must’ve been getting better at this whole doppelganger cloning thing, because he looked near identical to him. The only problem was the name I suppose; he had a magical requirement to only be addressed as “Donut Joe”, so these clones were still not yet without their flaws; Celestia had yet a ways to go before perfection. But luckily (or unluckily, depending on whose side you’re on) nopony had ever questioned this sudden name change upon his next appearance.[500] I’m not sure if this was a testament to his forgetability or the simple fact that nopony really cared. Which is kinda sad if you ask me.

Getting back on trainhopping here,[501] this explains why it took Discord so long to escape. After Celestia and Luna’s “lost connection with the Elements” he was not biding his time as so many believed, he was physically unable to escape because the Elements’ switch to the six had not occurred until mid-2011; not late 2010 as so believed. Only when the switch was properly completed in 2011 could Discord escape free.

But unfortunately, it seemed Discord never caught onto the connection. He remained unaware of the true switching during the Gala; understandably so, one would normally not think such an event would be significant, and so he paid little attention to it, ignorant to the subsequent magical imbalance that followed. And he did this all the while the real threat of the Elements’ power was being scarfed down by the six alongside multicolored sprinkles and low-fat glaze.

Knowing the Elements themselves were little more than magical trinkets, this explains why he seemed so nonchalant during the two chances he could have been sealed by the six upon their reunion with the Elements. He knew the six wielding the Elements had no real power, so he had nothing to fear. But he did not know of their ingestion of the Elements donuts, which is why he was so taken aback when he was actually sealed the second time.

In fact, Celestia had planned out the first “Discord re-petrification’s” failure, purposefully allowing the six to fall. And how did she accomplish this? Well, if all the six really were all there, than the Discord sealing would’ve gone on without a hitch, because it was never about friendship, it was about the dark magical essence inside them. But, on this first attempt, a certain blue pegasus wasn’t there. She was off gallivanting in Cloudsdale.

And who took her place? A certain Spike the Dragon. The same Spike the Dragon that was used by Celestia in the past to decide upon Rainbow Dash as a member of the mane six. It was almost as if this replacement was necessary to ensure the first attempt’s failure.

Now you can all see that Spike is clearly becoming a very prominent figure in Celestia’s manipulative mechanisms. Could it be that he was privy to Celestia’s plans all along and was secretly following orders? Could he be a more diabolical figure in history than we had all suspected? Could he be a secret member of The Echelon?

Nah, I did say he was quite stupid after all. He was probably just a favorite pawn that Celestia liked to use, as a figure that was very present in the spheres of both Celestia and Twilight’s lives.

So the failure of this first attempt was all in accordance to Celestia’s own master plan. When Twilight would see all hope was lost, and sunk to her lowest point, at that moment Celestia would spam Twilight her own friendship letters through a certain dragon intermediate.[502]

The purpose of this? To allow Twilight to come to the “solution” herself. The solution of “friendship”. Why did she go to all this trouble? To really hammer the point home. After all, upon Twilight’s darkest moment, she would be much more receptive to accepting new ideas. And by not outright stating the conclusion that she wanted her to reach, but sending hints in the form of friendship letters instead, it would force Twilight to come to this conclusion herself, making it seem as though the idea was her own, when in fact Celestia had really just incepted the idea into her brain.[503]

Only once she had ensured that Twilight reached the conclusion of “Friendship = Good, DURRRRRRRRR” and the six believed in the true power of friendship once more,[504] did she set up Rainbow Dash’s return[505] and allow the six to be reunited. And with their reunification, unknowingly using the dark essence of the Elements, they defeated Discord once and for all.[506]

To summarize the lesson they learned from all this,[507] if the Elements work when Friendship = Strong, then Friendship must always be strong to savee da world! Long live da friendship![508]

So at the end of the day, when you really break it down, Twilight and her friends didn’t save shit. They didn’t reach a sudden epiphany on the powers of friendship or any shit like that. Celestia just manipulated them, as usual, to do her bidding. Like all ponies Celestia meets, they just end up being pawns in her sick, sick game. Which is why I’m so glad I never got the opportunity to learn from that she-bitch.[509]

With this, Celestia had won. Another sad day in Equestria’s history. Not only was Discord defeated, resealed along with his chaotic magic back into his stony prison, but the mane six’s belief in friendship was stronger than ever, and this (incepted) belief would stay with them for all their years to come. It was almost as if Discord’s very return was already a predestined victory for Celestia. And of course it was, Celestia had planned this out from the very beginning. Knowing when he would escape, what he incorrectly believed in, and his ignorance to where the true essence of the Elements now lied. The only unforeseen factor was with Discord’s subtle reveal of what he knew. But even despite all that, she had enough contingency plans to spare to ensure that she came up on top.

And with this, for the first time in his life, Discord had lost the Great Game.[510] The puppetmaster himself had been out-gambled,[511] by Celestia of all ponies. And keeping Celestia’s famed idiocy in mind, what a blow to the ego that must’ve been. But where Celestia lacks in proper smarts and leadership, she makes up in devious manipulation tactics. So you’ve got that going for ya, Celestia. That and probably a million STIs.

And so we reach the end of Discord’s Second Coming. But I can already hear some of you attempt to poke holes in my story, so I’ll just play along with some of your pathetic complaints before wiping them out with my flawless logic. As always.

Let’s read it out loud. The first complaint, "If Celestia had hypnosis over the mane six, what was the point of teaching them the lesson of friendship on Discord's return? What was the point of anything for that matter? Why didn’t she just control them to do her bidding for all time?"

WHACK!

That's the sound of me smacking you in the face.

If you insist on an actual explanation,

WHACK!

That's for doubting me.

WHACK!

And that's for flinching.

But this does have a totally legitimate explanation.[512] Celestia knew that this hypnosis could only last so long. Plus she's lazy too. Add sloth to the list of her deadly sins.

Yes, hypnosis would be easiest, but she was in it for the long term, and more importantly, for the easiest solution. Why go to all the effort of hypnotizing the ponies to believe in the power of friendship each time you need them to believe, when you could instead just have them learn the importance of friendship themselves? An ultimate friendship lesson, which was the solution to a national crisis that threatened to allow chaos to reign supreme, would sure be something they would keep in their hearts forever. And bam, there it is. They had learned the importance of friendship themselves through their own experiences, and would probably do Celestia's friendship biddings voluntarily from now on, rather than need Celestia to hypnotize them each time.

"But wait," you may ask, "Orchestrating the lesson alongside Discord's return sounds like it would be way more complex than just hypnotizing them. There were so many factors that she needed to rely on to ensure that the plan would go off perfectly. Didn’t you say that Celestia did this because she wanted to take the easiest way out? Why would she go to all this effort to plan this out when hypnotizing them to learn this lesson permanently would've been far easier for her to do?"

Well, there's a perfectly good explanations for this. It's because...

Um...

WHACK!

Chapter 30: The Breaking Point – Nationalization and Nationalism Collide

I think upon this, I should finally get into the pegasi boiling point that I previously mentioned. Also, as an aside, how high do you think the temperature needs to be to get a pegasi’s body to start to boil? 1000 degrees? Maybe higher? Just curious.

What I meant to discuss was the “Pegasi Spring”. I know that pegasi revolting isn’t exactly something new or exciting, but hear me out. It’ll have relevance yet.

As you know, ever since the end of the Civil War, I’ve been building up the whole pegasi nationalism idea. An idea that would come to a head towards the beginning of the new millennium, before Nightmare Moon’s return, but during Celestia’s early grooming of Twilight Sparkle.

So you might ask, why am I only covering this now? Why not cover history in its chronological order?

WHACK!

Well as I said, the aftermath of the Pegasi Spring would be coinciding with another significant event that occurred after the first return of Discord, so think of this as just being a backstory for that. And this fulfills all that pegasi tension foreshadowing that’s been building up in the past few chapters. Too much tension and no release can be pretty painful ~~for most guys~~, I’m sure.

To understand the Pegasi Spring and how the pegasi reached such an ultimate point, one must first look at the background behind it. Yes, a backstory to a backstory. I’m fully aware of how ridiculous this sounds right now.

Most agree that it all really began in the last quarter of the Booming Century, which as you know, was characterized along with the rest of the age with the advent of the train system and technological advancements. Alongside these advancements came rapid industrialization, which would provoke a great change throughout Equestria as well.[513] The last quarter of the Booming Century also had the opening of Celestia’s School of Inept, Stupid, and Untalented Unicorns, but that is neither here nor there right now. Well, I suppose it was kind of a reason for the Spring in its own way as well, but not as much as the whole industrialization thing.

For industrialization would have its own aftereffects, a shockwave if you would, that impacted all of Equestria even to this day. With industrialization came nationalization, as certain key industries, such as organized mining, became absorbed into the government.[514] This was most likely so Celestia could keep control over such significant systems; iron and other metals were needed to continue to lay down Equestrian railroad lines, which was certainly a growing necessity.[515] And with the advent of new machinery and a fledgling factory system to help support supply, this was a great boon towards the Nationalized Rail’s success.

But of course, once Celestia grabs a hold of something and feels up its power (like literally grabbing it by the balls), she always has difficulty letting go. Like the unicorn tramp she always was. If any of you have been touched in a way or in a place by Celestia that made you feel uncomfortable, I can recommend a great support system for you. It’s called “Buy Ten Copies of My Book: An Abhorrent Offense: Princess Luna and the Invasion of Privacy and see if you feel better”.

Celestia’s excuse for taking over these systems was said to “reduce the monopolization and privatization of key industries, and to avoid corporate greed. With nationalization, corporate bureaucracy could be stripped down and a leaner, more efficient system could be put into place”.[516] And I do agree with Celes-BLARGHHHHH

I do agree with somepony that corporate greed was starting to set in its ugly claws like it does for all corrupt corporations.[517] However, let’s face it, this was all just a front, an excuse for Celestia to take more power. This would give Celestia free rein to take control of any industry she wanted, and rule over it with an iron hoof. It was also probably just a way for Celestia to try to prove the efficiency of her government, something she probably felt she had to make up for after centuries of inactivity and absence during the Stagnation. Think of it like a petulant child screaming, “I’m still relevant”! Celestia, you’re like an early 90’s rap artist in the new millennium. Your time is done, return back to the sea of pop culture triviality where you belong. And anyways, it seems that I wasn’t exactly the only one who didn’t like the government’s taking of more power.

For an industry that was described as key was the sphere of weather control, with Celestia promising a complete nationalization of weather towards the end of the 20th century.[518] This understandably got pegasi pretty angry; they were given this role by Celestia back since the Classical Era (even though that was pretty much just a formality to appease them) and now it seemed as though Celestia wanted to take it back from them.

During the Classical Era, while still obeying Celestia’s orders to some extent when it came to weather management, as a whole, the pegasi could control the weather by their own means. Of course, they would obey the natural laws, placing rain clouds in areas that needed them, etc.[519] But with Celestia’s planned nationalization and bureaucratization of the process, it not only seemed that Celestia didn’t trust them with their jobs, but that she was trying to take a part of their culture from them, pissing them off even further. They had already had begun a slow, general distaste of Celestia’s actions since the Stagnation, and this was to be the breaking point.

Especially with the fact that the vote moving towards weather nationalization occurred in her mostly unicorn parliament (it was Canterlot after all), with little pegasi representation.[520] I mean there were a scant few pegasi scattered in there, but everypony knew that they were probably hypnotized or forced into silent subservience by Celestia. It’s like an unspoken rule at this point. So even the pegasi knew it was all a sham.

And of course, that was exactly what Celestia was trying to pull. Or at least the unicorn aristocracy, who themselves were growing wary over how much they could trust the pegasi. Holding in some past wounds over the whole civil war thing, huh? So the unicorn aristocracy secretly demanded Celestia re-take control from them (which Celestia surely conceded), causing this nationalization crisis.

This removal of their own private control over the weather, and being forced to now have their millennial-old jobs performed under the watchful eye of Celestia seemed to be the last straw in the year 1997. The concept of pegasi exceptionalism was always high in their society; their belief that their way of doing things was unique or even superior than other ponies’,[521] so it was understandable that they wouldn’t take this action lying down.[522] There began to be greater murmurs among the populace of a possible pegasi uprising, or at least an all-encompassing general strike, beginning in Cloudsdale.[523]

Such a rash action from the pegasi would not only be a huge threat to Celestia’s regime and her unicorn power base, but potentially ruin a young Cloudsdale citizen of grave importance to her plan, Rainbow Dash. For Rainbow Dash was fiercely proud of her hometown, and these whispers of revolution could potentially corrupt her mind and lay waste to all the effort Celestia put in to keep her (for lack of a better term) loyal to her eventual role as Twilight’s friend.[524] For if she even had the slightest bit of doubt in the princess, her role as one of the future holders of the Elements could escalate into catastrophe.

As for Fluttershy, eh, who cares? I know she lived in Cloudsdale for a brief time too, but she was spending more time on the ground at that point, and I doubt she cared enough about Cloudsdale politics/pride to really get involved. Also I kinda forgot about her in this theory so we’ll just pretend she was a non-issue at this point.

Finally, the pegasi were ready for a revolt, which meant Celestia would have to act quickly to ensure the success of her future plans. Rainbow Dash was luckily shielded from the mounting revolutionary talk due to the efforts of The Echelon and some surely convenient hijinks that ensued, such as Rainbow Dash just missing their radical public speeches due to a handy unscheduled parade that just happened to be passing right through. But The Echelon knew they could not keep this up forever, especially once the pegasi began to march on the streets to start their protests.

Therefore, they quickly devised a way to move Rainbow Dash out of Cloudsdale (on her birthday no less, from what I heard. They must truly hold some despicable power in society to be able to accomplish such a feat) before things truly got out of control. Of course, Rainbow Dash wasn’t meant to end up at Ponyville so soon; Celestia had plans for the six to converge at Ponyville at a later time, but in the face of this pegasi crisis, she was forced to move her there earlier than planned out of pure desperation. And it makes sense too. Why would such a fiercely pro-Cloudsdale pony move to Ponyville? If she wanted to join the Wonderbolts, why not stay in the skies? Celestia’s mechanisms I tell you!

As for the pegasi, as an external way of calming them (for if things with the pegasi truly did get out of hand, all of Equestria would be hearing about their revolt eventually), she introduced major benefits that came with industrialization and demonstrated how much more efficient the weather process would become in an attempt to appease their anger.

As I said, nationalization and industrialization came hand-in-hand, and Celestia surely saw the benefit in mixing them together. Celestia was like a tricky salespony, telling them that all the benefits of industrializing weather was a package deal with nationalization. And industrialization was ensured to make the process easier, introducing elements to streamline the weather making process, such as the infamous Rainbow Factories of Cloudsdale.[525]

She then added the new rain production system, in which pegasi would lift large bodies of water to pegasi towns for the creation of rainclouds.[526] Of course, this wasn’t a natural or necessary process; evaporation was doing this job for millennia prior. But this was just to make an excuse for the earth-living pegasi to participate in their own towns, to give the sense of unity amongst their race, and to serve as a point of pride for them. And we all know how easily pegasi can be fooled once you get their pride in the way.

As an added precaution, she had the process guarded by members of the Wonderbolts, [527] to not only make them seem relevant (because trust me, they weren’t and aren’t), but to provide a Celestia-loyal supervisor just in case such a mass pegasi gathering could prove detrimental to her plans.

This seemed to work in the short-term; the pegasi ended their planned protests and soon would take on these new jobs provided by the industrial weather factories.[528] But even Celestia knew this peace wouldn’t last for long; they may have been convinced that nationalizing weather was a benefit to them, but the pegasi still demanded political concessions. They saw the problems behind the crisis emerging in the first place as a result of the lack of fuller pegasi representation in the Equestrian government.

With this, in essence, the Pegasi Spring was anything but over; newer protests would surely start again before long. And the longer Celestia took to answer these new demands, the more the pegasi nationalism movement would grow out of hand.

Of course, historians say that Celestia was all for joint-representation, especially as pegasi and earth ponies already held positions in the political sphere.[529] But historians pin the blame mostly on the unicorn aristocracy, who prevented the pegasi and earth ponies from taking a greater political role, and ensured that they would always be kept in the political minority.[530] I’m glad those historians and I can reach some sort of agreement some of the time at least.

But I feel as though historians won’t exactly agree with me on the next part.[531] Celestia could not grant these concessions (because she’s a shitty leader and also) because she needed to hold on to her unicorn support. As I said, the tenants of her regime were built upon racial superiority, and therefore, she needed to keep the unicorns high upon a pedestal and satisfied. What, do you unicorns want us to help you wipe your asses too?

In lieu of this, Celestia instead chose to enact her secret plan B to ensure the long-term pegasi “shutting of ups”[532]. Project CADENCE Alicorn.

What did it stand for?

Candy Ass Dictator of Evil’s Namby-Pamby Clone’s Emergence as an Alicorn

Or to put it frankly, Celestia would create the means to ascend a pegasi clone of herself to alicorn status to fulfill the desired pegasi representation.

As you know, Celestia had been experimenting with clones and doppelgangers for many years prior to the new millennium. The successful non-mirror pool made usable clones, Luna and Donut Joe, had demonstrated that not only could they integrate into society, their clone status undetected (marginally. Luna and Donut Joe were still very awkward and scruffy-looking respectfully), but that Celestia could pull off such a magical feat. It’s a good thing I’m always suspicious of those who are different from me/those I don’t like. It’s this trait of mine that helps me catch Celestia’s tricks.

I mean sure, this whole Pegasi Spring/Cadence scenario “technically” occurred during the experiment’s hiatus in 1997, which was way before these clones’ creation in 2010-2011. But let’s just say Celestia saw a glimpse of the future during the time she still held the Elements and therefore knew about doppelganger Luna and Donut Joe’s eventual creation, so I can quickly move on from this topic. You don’t think the fallacy police noticed anything, did you?

So all-in-all, Cadence was created as a result of further clone experiments (which explains why she kinda has that Celestia-alicorn like body structure, because she’s a semi-clone of Celestia), but as a pegasus in infant form. Of course, like always, the clone was flawed in many ways when it came to personality and power, and most significantly, she was pink and not white. But Celestia probably saw this color difference as a benefit anyways; less people would notice the resemblance if they were different colored. And this way Celestia could re-sell all those incorrectly-colored pink Celestia toys she had commissioned for idol worship and what not[533] by repackaging them under Cadence’s name. As evil as you are, at least you’re environmentally aware. Except for the whole polonium poisoning situation you have going on below our hooves.

And how do I know Cadence was a clone of Celestia? After all, most alicorns share the same body structure (probably because there’s only like four of them in known existence). Well, let’s examine this closely. Apparently Cadence has the innate ability to spread love wherever she goes, using a love spell to "help couples remember how much they love each other".[534] So pretty much she manipulates the minds and hearts of all the ponies she encounters to suit her own fancy. You may not look like Celestia, but you're Celestia through and through. An Apple to the core. A Celestia to the jelly filling. I'm implying Celestia's a donut here.[535]

And besides, didn't we just condemn Discord for all his love potion maneuverings? Both in bringing down Equinus and the mane six in his first return? Why is it that Cadence can do the same shit and get off scot free? Subverting the law and performing the same actions that you condemned past villains for because of your title and position? If you’re not a Celestia clone, I don’t know what else you could be.

Anyways, with the pink pegasus infant Celestia clone completed (that’s not a phrase you’ll hear in many academic works), Celestia took her back in time using those infamous time spells, into the year 1985 before the nationalization crisis even began.

The present past (of 1997) Celestia would explain it all[536] to past past Celestia (of 1985) in order to properly put the preparations in place. In fact, maybe Starswirl popped up too to give a few pointers. Considering all this time travel crap, it’s only reasonable.

So Cadence was the product of another 1997’s timeline; she was never made in our current timeline and was born from a timeline that has been replaced with ours (and for clarity’s sake, ours is a timeline that now has Cadence existing since 1985, if we assume the theory of a splittable timeline to be true). Now Celestia’s choice to deliver present past Cadence to the year 1985 is important, but I’ll get to that in the next chapter.

For now, let’s just get into Cadence’s supposed backstory. Or more accurately, let’s break it down as the bullshit it really is.

Cadence was said to originally have been a pegasus, mysteriously found alone in forest and raised from infancy by earth ponies.[537] Oh god, sometimes Celestia makes it so obvious I don't even have to try. It seemed as though Celestia got a little too greedy in her set up; trying to satisfy both pegasi and earth ponies by practically shouting, “Hey look! I’m ascending this pegasus(HINT HINT!) who was raised by earth ponies!(HINT HINT!) So now both you folks have alicorn/political representation!” I mean yes, the earth ponies, while a few centuries behind the pegasi in radical thinking, also began to have their seeds of revolution begin to sprout after seeing the Pegasi Spring, but trying to appease them both at once by making Cadence a product of both races is just lazy.

Once Cadence became of suitable age closer to 1997, Celestia then created a crisis in the earth pony village she grew up in, regarding some jealous loser named Prismia, and had Cadence confront her and teach her how to open her heart and love. And upon Prismia’s redemption, as per the official story, Cadence was immediately ascended to alicorn status.[538]

Are you for real? Befriending some lonely prick makes you an alicorn? I mean, I know Celestia just needed to rush an excuse to ascend Cadence before the Pegasi Spring really started getting going, but come on. We all know you suck, but at least put a little more effort into your ascension excuses than that. At least try to make it seem convincing.

So at the very height of the revolution in late 1997, when it seemed that pegasi nationalism would break from its floodgates and let loose its torrents of dissent and anger, Celestia suddenly announced that this random pegasus had ascended to an alicorn, was officially adopted as her royal niece, and would be made a princess.[539]

The pegasi should have been suspicious of such a thing, as this random pegasus nopony’s ever heard of suddenly popped into existence through weird time logic (ask Starswirl the logistics of the whole thing), was apparently living in an earth pony town the whole time without any pegasi knowing, and her backstory just kinda appeared out of nowhere. But again, pegasi are pretty dumb, so they didn’t exactly question it. All they knew was that now one of their own was an alicorn princess, and they were completely satisfied with that.

In fact, Cadence didn’t even need to do anything in particular for the pegasi. Not use her new political powers to alleviate any of the “oppression” they felt they faced, not offer them greater freedoms, no nothing. It seemed that the whole purpose of the spring was just to get one of their own in power, to make it seem that they play a big role in the Equestrian political system. And with this now achieved, the pegasi couldn’t have been happier with the results.

In fact, there was a big coronation ceremony for Princess Cadence, a big ol’ waste on the ol’ taxpayers’ money. Of course, Celestia probably saw of it as a good price to pay to stop the likelihood of a pegasi revolution. Pegasi from all over Equestria came to watch Cadence’s officially princess-ing (is that a word? Well, it is now.[540]) and the Pegasi Spring finally came to its wimpy ass conclusion.[541]

Both sides had achieved what they wanted; Celestia had nationalized the weather (practically placing it under her complete control, or at least more complete than it was back in the Classical Era) and appeased the anger of the pegasi for many years to come, and the pegasi finally felt they had the political recognition they deserved, as one of their own was “spontaneously” made into an alicorn princess and would serve pegasi interests.

But of course the latter part of that wouldn’t be true; Cadence was made specifically upon Celestia’s orders. As such, Celestia probably implanted a hypnosis chip into her head, so she could take control of Cadence if necessary.[542] Most importantly, Celestia molded Cadence into the perfect little mare, one who would never cause any trouble and act as a cutesy yet completely benign princess, at the loss of any interesting character traits. Like everything with Celestia, Cadence held a false appearance; Celestia was in control of this cloned body all along, even without Cadence’s knowledge. It’s all a fascade. Is it ever not with Celestia?

So the pegasi were satisfied by this “representation” (again, they're literally the easiest to trick), but earth ponies weren't as much (because we're smarter; and that “Cadence raised by earth ponies" shtick wasn’t exactly satisfying), but for the moment at least, it seemed to appease racial issues.

After the fiasco that had occurred when she had attempted the nationalization of weather, Celestia halted her plans of further nationalization of key industries, lest she have another crisis on her hands. But she definitely still had it up her sleeves. Many specialists have predicted the next one to be integrated would be the food industry; after all, it was practically already nationalized since the Three Point Plan of the Classical Era and the structure for it was already in place.[543] And the claws of industry have already started to be sunk into agriculture; have you seen those new industrial cherry factories?

However, if she chose to do it now, she could have the earth pony equivalent of the Pegasi Spring to deal with, so soon after the Pegasi Spring had already occurred.

If I had to give a name to this future event, I’d call it, the “earth pony version of the Pegasi Spring”. So anyways, Celestia would have to hold off of that for now.

Nonetheless, earth pony anti Celestia-sentiment would one day certainly explode in the future. I don’t know how long until then, probably a couple of decades until they even reach the same breaking point as the pegasi, but I’m crossing my hooves for that moment. So long as, y’know, Celestia doesn’t time-travel again and ascend an earth pony this time to appease them like she did with the pegasi. Thoughifyouascendmeiwouldnthaveaproblemwiththat say what?

Chapter 31: The Royal Couple – Love, Secrets, and Lies

So the pegasi were pleased for now, with the ascension of one of their own who they didn’t even know existed a day ago. Hey, whatever floats your boat I suppose.

And Celestia was satisfied with this outcome too, right? No, of course she wasn’t. She’s never satisfied with anything. That’s why she has such an insatiable hunger. For food and stallions.

Yes, this ascension was all well and good. The Pegasi Spring was stopped in its tracks, and it seemed that no further revolts would occur for a while yet. After all, it was a point of pride for the pegasi (and as you know, the pegasi really, really have a problem with that) to have a member of their own race ascend into the highly sought after alicorn status. A supposed sign of genetic purity and power. They thought this meant their pegasi brethren were closest to gods (keep in mind they thought Celestia and Luna were born alicorns thanks to their alterations of history, nopony else knew the truth that they had ascended as well. Until now) and deserved to rise up to the same level as their god-princesses. Probably rubbed it into us earth ponies’ faces too, the pricks. Well, little do they know they were all playing into Celestia’s hooves, and alicornification is nothing but having to deal with sheening a new horn. And having new, stronger wings. And that coat, oh god, that luxurious coat. Just to know that you’re special. You’re someone.

No! Fuck that noise. I’m sexy enough as it is. I don’t need any of Celestia’s alicorn shit. #overit

But there was another way to ensure greater unity. To truly “lock-in” the bonds between unicorn and pegasus. If the newly appointed Princess Cadence was to marry a unicorn.

After all, apparently all the pegasi were infatuated with her (probably had to do with her whole love magic, which is another word for whore magic, something she must’ve picked up from Celestia) and supported her every move. So if she was to have a strong marriage with a unicorn, it could possibly inspire better relations between the two species. What, and us earth ponies just look on from the sidelines? Whatever.

Obviously Celestia had some marriage preparations to make. But she couldn’t choose just any joe unicorn off the street,[544] it had to be someone of political and strategic significance. One who could be a big player in the game of politics. And who better than the future captain of the Royal Guard? But more significantly, a pony who is Twilight’s older brother as well, Shining Armor.

What could be more perfect? Twilight’s own brother becoming a prince would pave the road to her own royalty. And it would make it seem that Twilight was a worthy candidate for her own ascension, at least in the public eye.

It would say, hey, this Twilight’s important enough to be ascended too! Yeah, I know it’s a unicorn ascending, but she’s the brother of that Shining Armor. You know, the one married to your pegasi princess, Princess Cadence? In fact, she’s best buddies with Princess Cadence! The Princess you knew probably for like half a day! Ignoring all the times Twilight saved your lives too y’know. Mostly that Cadence relationship thing.

So Cadence was immediately set up to marry Shining Armor. Isn’t that rather convenient! Sure, it wasn’t an arranged marriage or anything; that would probably piss off the pegasi even more, as that would make it seem like Celestia was forcing them together. No, apparently Cadence went to “pony high school”, Canterlot Academy, the dream of every little filly. High schools truly are the best setting for an epic pony fantasy adventure, right?

Here was where Cadence supposedly met Shining Armor and they both fell in love. Which of course was all according to plan. For even if it didn’t have the appearance of an arranged marriage, it might as well should have been. For once again, everything was planned by The Echelon. In fact, Celestia was perhaps too overzealous in her efforts, as seen in her attempts at quickly establishing a bond between Cadence and the young Twilight as well by manipulating her into becoming her foalsitter. Sheesh Celestia, you couldn’t be more predictable if you tried.

Of course, Shining Armor wasn’t the captain of the Royal Guard just yet, but give it time. Never underestimate the lengths Celestia will go to in order to get what she wants. And with his acceptance into the Equestrian Military School, his fate, like the mane six’s, was already sealed. As the captain of the Royal Guard, he would command the respect of the other unicorns, and be seen as a worthy piece in the game of national relations Celestia played.

In fact, Cadence’s drop-off point at the year 1985 was chosen because that’s when Shining Armor was born, set up so they would be the same age. In fact, they shared the exact same birthday (or found-date for Cadence, because she was found as an infant by the earth ponies instead, which became her unofficial birthday); evidence that the marriage was preplanned and Shining Armor was pre-picked. Heck, Celestia probably didn’t even do that as another hint to us smart historians or anything, she was probably just trying to making it easy for herself so she would only have to throw one birthday party for the both of them in the future, instead of having to go to the effort of throwing two. Celestia really did think of everything beforehand. And her foul preparations are just another reason why I hate her so.

Once everything was set up, Shining Armor and Cadence’s example of such a happy love would prove to all of Equestria that the pegasi and unicorn system way of life could coincide.[545] And as long as their love seemed to be strong, the pegasi would be happily satisfied with this turn of events. It was the perfect topping to the “Ending the Pegasi Spring” Cake.

So all Celestia had to do now had to make their love seem unbreakable, to prove this unity between pegasus[546] and unicorn. And as their wedding day approached, a certain discovery would provide her the very means to do so. It’s like the Nightmare Moon crisis all over again. No, scratch that, it’s exactly like the Nightmare Moon crisis all over again. I’ve said it once,[547] and I’ll say it again. Celestia really is predictable. Learn some new tricks already!

Some of you may be wondering how exactly I know how Celestia thinks. It seems as though every one of my predictions rings true. And that is correct, I know Celestia better than she may even know herself.

I have the most experience out of anypony in Equestria when it comes to understanding the princess. After all, I saw her that one time at the Summer Sun Celebration seven years ago behind a crowd of ponies. Didn’t even get to talk to her or anything, but I saw her. Slightly. I saw a section of her at least. It might’ve been her flank,[548] or maybe a different white colored pony. But it was probably her.

And in that one glance, I suddenly understood everything that needed to be understood. How she thought, how she would act, how she ruled. And that experience alone gives me a greater advantage that any other experience any of those other historians may boast.

So as the only one around here with any balls (and I’m a mare; although Larry has ‘em too but I’m speaking on the historian front here), it seems I’m forced to be the one who will keep wading through this cesspool of the rotten excuse we call history. Time to separate the lies from the chaff, the wheat from the truth.

Chapter 32: Ambitions of Power – The Queen and the Princess

When speaking of Cadence, there is another pony who must be mentioned. One who has close ties to the second newest alicorn princess and was responsible for using her wedding as a point of EVILLL!

Shining Armor? No.

Shining Amour, Shining Armor’s imaginary griffon rip-off? No.

Chrysalis. But now that I realize it, that description also describes Celestia too. Ah whatever, Chrysalis and Celestia go hand in hand. Wait no, hoof and hoof. The heck’s a hand?[549]

Chrysalis and Celestia? Having a prior relationship? Surely you jest! Well I ain’t no jester. And don’t call me Surely. Or Shirley. She’s a bitch too.

In fact, Chrysalis’ very origins was dependent on the work of Celestia. I’m sure some of you may have seen this connection from a mile away, but let me explain further.

To discuss the birth of Queen Chrysalis, we must return to Celestia’s dark magic cloning experiments. As you know, her doppelganger system was used throughout history in some very devious ways; replacing Luna and Pony Joe, and making Princess Cadence to end to Pegasi Spring. And if a few of these clones were able to solve such crises, think of what could happen if Celestia had perfected the process. But that was just it. There was a problem with perfection.[550]

For with all of Celestia’s attempts, her clones were always unsuccessful; they always had a particular flaw. Though Celestia was slowly getting better with time and experience (because compared to mild social retardation and incorrect naming, being pink and bland was much preferable[551]), she still hadn’t managed to crack the egg. The egg of perfect cloning.

But lo and before, thanks to her dark powers, she would stumble upon the secret. Through baking.

Yes, remember I told you that baking was the root of all dark magic?[552] Well, baking is more sinister than it seems.

For on that certain day to be remembered in history, Celestia, on another one of her many cake binges, had eaten her way through the royal cake supply. The royal bakers were probably scrambling to get pastries into her mouth stat, but Celestia, in all her impatience, fired them. How I know all this is something you’ll have to wait til’ the end to learn. You’ll just have to trust me on this one.

Celestia, now hungry and desperate for food, tried to concoct some kind of sweet cake to shove in her face. Using magic and a variety of ingredients, she had attempted to make something adequate that she could swallow so fast that it wouldn’t even touch her tongue. That’s exactly the type of glutton she was.

But somehow, and I’ll just jump straight into it, Celestia made a new creature entirely. The first-ever changeling named “Chrysalis”, formed in Celestia’s own image was created purely by accident through a royal mishap in the kitchen.

I know baking can hold untold dark powers, but my god. To mess up a cake this bad and end up creating a dark magic clone of yourself by accident? I’d usually assume this kinda thing was all part of Celestia’s plan, but this is so dumb of an idea, that it had to have been the real story. Yes, Celestia was the one who birthed Queen Chrysalis, and she did so completely unintentionally.

Perhaps it was her lack of thought due to the hunger, sugar deprivation, or just the aftereffects of the cake binge hangover setting in, but Celestia somehow stumbled upon the secret that she had spent decades upon decades searching for. Stupidity breeds success, at least when it comes to Celestia. Come to think of it, that’s how Celestia won most of her matches, right? Pure dumb luck brought on by her stupidity. That, or manipulating the odds so far before the match had even begun to ensure she’d win. She’s either really smart half the time or really dumb. I’m leaning towards the latter.

I know some of you are rolling your eyes at this concept; I do admit it is one of the stranger ones in this essay (and this is the essay with intergalactic space orgies used as evidence). Celestia making Queen Chrysalis out of baking materials? And by accident no less! But it’s true, and the proof is in the evil baking concoction. Chrysalis is the same height and stature of Celestia; in Celestia’s madness, she must’ve cut herself by accident and her blood had entered the cake batter. And Celestia’s already enough, but if you throw the dark magic of baking into the mix; combining such dark forces into one! It’s no wonder that the result would be an eviler form of Celestia. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far, but Chrysalis definitely at least looked the part.

Just look at her. You might think that she looked more insectoid than baking…oid, but look further. Past all the obvious insect parts (like the insect wings) so you can extrapolate the baking parts. The holes in her legs? Air bubble holes caused by the vital baking ingredient, yeast. Yeast makes air bubble holes to make batter rise, and the same logic applies here. And they were especially concentrated on her legs because that’s what makes her taller.[553]

And she (and her kind) all secrete a thick green syrup, almost as if a pony in a cake-induced stupor had added too much glow-in-the-dark syrup[554] to the cake mix. The black body color? Not just a representation of her eviler appearance. Have you ever heard of black bread? Or in this case, black cake?

The only questionable quality of this newly made species was their eating habits. Queen Chrysalis had said herself that her hive needed to feast on love. But changelings do not eat love; that would be ridiculous, ‘cause love isn’t a tangible thing. She must have been told to say that. But for what? And why? By who? And if not love, what do they eat? Patience, friends,[555] the truth shall come when it comes.

So all-in-all, while Celestia didn’t end up making that cake she wanted, she did find the secret to making perfect doppelgangers that she’s been looking for in her experiments for years and years. I’m sure that balanced out for her in the end. Of course, like all clone doppelgangers, it had its flaws, but not ones that were significant enough (to Celestia). I mean sure, its base form looked like Celestia if she was dyed in tar, had her mane dyed green, and shot full of arrow holes; which by-the-by, is exactly how I’d like her last moments to be once the world turns on her when they see the monster she really is (short of the head on a spike thing though ☹). But in that wicked concoction of flour, eggs, and sugar, somehow Chrysalis was born with the intrinsic power to transform into a perfect doppelganger clone anyways, so it didn’t matter that its base form was ugly as sin. But what can I say, when you’re based off someone like Celestia, I suppose ugliness just comes with the package.

Celestia had finally achieved what she had sought after for so long. And now, she could put her preparations into place. She could begin to make the clone army that she always wanted. Yes, those were her intentions all along. Not to build a better Equestria, not to create a world where her sister and her could live in harmony, not to spread friendship across the land. She wanted to build a secret evil clone army since the very beginning, have that purple unicorn take over for her, and retire in peace.

Unfortunately for her, she’ll be retiring alright.

In pieces.

BANG!

Sorry, just thought that’d be a cool thing to say. Learned it from one of those old 80’s Applewood films.[556] It sounded intimidating though, right?

So Chrysalis could transform into any pony she wanted to. Oh god, I just made the connection. Cadence and Chrysalis had shared a deeper connection than I had first realized; they were literally both created by the same hooves of the dark master. They had more in common than they both thought. Which explains why Chrysalis was able to mimic Cadence’s appearance so well, because she had an evil spiritual connection with her. In fact, maybe Cadence was made out of dough too! That would certainly explain how Chrysalis had nailed down Cadence’s patterns and mannerisms so perfectly, they were both a jib cut from the same cloth.[557]

But I’ll get to the reasoning for Chrysalis transforming into Cadence when time dictates it. First let’s get back to Celestia’s first meeting with her new dark clone. Unlike with Cadence, this thing possessed all of her raw magical powers (she was an alicorn herself, if you count bug wings and a holed horn as alicorn appendages too) and Celestia’s personality as well.

And it was that last point that would be especially significant. Chrysalis, as a clone of Celestia, was able to meet on common ground as her and reach an understanding immediately. Once Celestia got over the initial surprise, they probably had a very pleasant conversation, introducing themselves politely and talking about the weather.

This lied directly in contrast to what I feel most ponies’ reaction would be upon creating an untold cursed spawn from your baking equipment; screaming bloody murder while trying to beat your new evil creation to death with a baking pan. Of course, Celestia wasn’t like most ponies; she’s all kinds of fucked up. So she stayed and chatted with her grotesque looking doppelganger creation.

As Chrysalis was essentially an exact double of Celestia, they already shared all the same interests, the same manipulative and deceitful tactics, and maybe they even talked about their common interest in torturing ponies till they snapped (Celestia of course, taking a mentorship role in that last one, cuz Chrysalis didn’t have much experience in that yet). Essentially, after conversing with Her Little Baking-Abomination, Chrysalis became Celestia’s first “true, true friend”.

For a pony who preaches the wonders of friendship so much, it’s kind of surprising it took her so long to actually make one. But let’s really think about this. Her first true friend was just an evil doppelganger of herself. That’s kind of sad if you think about it. I mean, even I’ve got Crazy Larry.[558]

But what’s a good friendship without any fights? Clouds always have to roll in once in a while, and the sign of a good friendship is being able to make up after a fight. Not that I would really know or have much experience, I’ve only had the one friend. But he’s more than enough.

So Celestia hit an immediate bump in the relationship, what, twenty minutes in? They both had the same interests, so this would logically mean they would both have the same evil plans for Equestria. Only difference being that they weren’t exactly looking for a joint leadership type of thing[559]; they wanted to rule Equestria by themselves.

Seems like the best of friends didn’t even know how to share. Sheesh, even I know how to share. You throw a tantrum really loudly until the other pony just gives up and lets you keep whatever it was you wanted. Worked for me for twenty straight years so far. This is basic social skills, guys! Try to keep up.

So with their own ambitions of power and plans for the future of Equestria, Celestia and Chrysalis argued for many a while on how it should all go down. Well, Chrysalis was the clone of Celestia after all (but probably held a bit more brains than her, as her brains made of sugar and cinnamon still held more value than that pathetic lump that Celestia calls a brain. Chrysalis attempted to take control herself, and even questioned some of the more inane things that Celestia did.[560] Like why the heck Celestia called herself a princess when she was clearly the only ruler around (except for Luna clone, but even I think I’d forget her too); she clearly should’ve been a queen.

So Chrysalis officially crowned herself Queen while Celestia attempted to argue about some shit like “princesses are the symbol of youthful beauty”. Yeah, and tooth fairies poop gumdrops, what else is new.

I’m sure you’re wondering by now where all my sources are. How the heck did I know all this went down? After all, there are no records of this, right?

Wrong.

BANG!

Sorry, just wanted to try that 80’s catchphrase thing again.

There were records of them. I saw them. Some point in my life. I think I was kinda dizzy at the time. But I saw them! The transcriptions! Unfortunately for me, immediately after reading it, a winged red she-demon burst from the ground underneath my feet, and swallowed the records whole. She didn’t swallow me though, like you might think[561]; just the records. Then she pressed a finger[562] to my lips and whispered, “shhhh.” And after she ate the papers, she exploded into a million points of light. Then the sky became all trippy with intricate patterns and colors and I had to go lie down. And here we are now.

But then the question arises, who would transcribe such a peculiar meeting between Celestia and her dark clone when their encounter was completely accidental and Celestia would have good reason to keep all this a secret from everypony?

BANG!

Shoot first, ask questions later.

Sorry again,[563] that’s the last catchphrase I’ll say in this essay, promise.

After their really intense argument, even probably throwing a couple of blows at each other and making a mess of the royal kitchen, I suppose they reached an agreement of sorts. A secret agreement. An evil agreement. An agreement which could rain destruction upon the world upon its release! IT WAS…

Another false-flag attack.

Yes, I know this is rather shocking and new to you, but please keep your collective gasps until the end.

This attack was to be made for the betterment of the both of them, to help them mutually achieve each other’s ambitions.

Certain arrangements had to be made once this deal was in place. And that will be covered as well. But for now, let us approach the climax of it all, when all the shit would go down.

Let us approach the Royal Wedding of 2012.

Hey, by-the-by, do you remember that time when I promised not to make any more cheesy movie catchphrases?

I lied.

BANG!

Chapter 33: The Planned Invasion – A Royal Wedding

The 2012 Royal Wedding was pretty significant. Not because of the whole “importance of the couple’s love” thing, but in general. A Royal Wedding like this would understandably be a pretty big deal in Equestria. Celestia was unmarried (probably so she could stick to her bachelor humpin’ days), and Luna… ignoring the awkward mass of a doppelganger we have here, even the original Luna wasn’t exactly the type that ponies would swoon over. Sure, a few weddings of Celestia’s extended family during the Stagnation occurred, but they weren’t exactly “royal royal”. More like, “pompous douchebag”. Which is a subset of “royal royal”, I suppose. But yeah, this would be the first official wedding of an alicorn princess. And as you know, there was a lot riding on this. The pegasi’s love and support for this coupling, thousands coming to Canterlot for the occasion, and all eyes of Equestria on the couple.

But little did they know that a deal was already made between Celestia and Chrysalis. This momentous occasion would be fraught with deception, lies, and more lies. Wait, deception is just another word for lie, isn’t it?

Well, technicallyyyy I know I promised that I would reveal the secret deal behind the Royal Wedding of Celestia and Chrysalis, but unfortunately, my transcription cut out right before that. Seriously. It covered the whole kit and caboodle of their meeting and befriending of each other and then it just went CAPUT! But don’t worry, I’ll be covering the secrets behind the Royal Wedding yet, transcription or no transcription.

In true essay style (that I’m only breaking out 33 chapters in), I’ll break this event down piece by piece. Well, maybe not piece by piece. More like a vandal who chips off pieces from statues of the Canterlot Art Exhibition as souvenirs however they see fit. Which by-the-by, also fits me to a T.

What? The gift shop didn’t have anything impressive! And what, I’ve got to pay for that junk?

Using these clues, these events that surpass coincidence, I will uncover the truth. I will reveal the exact plan that went down, the foul deal that was made. And the clues Celestia left behind for us, much like a cookie thief would leave a paper trail. Of cookies.

Things that nopony in history could ever know of, things that went down behind closed doors and hushed whispers. For everything is connected, and upon pinning the tail on the dotted donkey, you will see the truth. This is Conspiracy 101 guys! Which was a shitty course to take. The prof didn’t even mention orgies once.

Wake up SHEEPLE. Oh god, I’m so, so sorry. Nopony should ever be referred to as sheep. As an apology, I’ll give you vouchers to buy my book, “An Abhorrent Offense: Princess Luna and the Invasion of Privacy”.[564]

Time to open your eyes to the truth. Yes, popular consensus is that Chrysalis had planned the attack on her own, unprovoked, to replace Cadence and marry Shining Armor to sap away his love and feed her hive. That’s the commonly accepted story; Chrysalis and her Changelings were just some obscure terrorist species who just decided to attack Canterlot for the shits and giggles. Not even to feed her starving hive, as many incorrectly believe, they just did it because they were EVILLL. Villains as deep as we’re ever gonna get, guys, at least according to the MAN.[565]

But it’s time to wipe the slate clean, cuz that’s all wrong. Seriously, even the first sentence of that whole thing is wrong (as it contradicts my previous chapter), so I’m not even gonna bother taking that shit seriously. No, Celestia clearly planned this attack with Chrysalis. Fo’ sho’.

False flag attacks aren’t exactly anything new to Celestia. In fact, I feel like at this point, it’s just expected from her now. But it was the overcomplex methods that she had attempted to use to hide her role in the matter that makes this certain case so interesting. Of course, as I said, she just couldn’t resist leaving behind that paper fortune cookie trail behind for us to follow, cuz she gets off at the concept of being caught. Ignoring all the “for national security and stability” stuff, it seems she totally likes to endanger state secrets to satisfy her fetish. But if I can be honest too, if I was ruler of Equestria, I’d totally put my nation’s safety in jeopardy if it meant satisfying my fetish. Fifty Larry overload, mmmMMMMmmm.

I’ll be right back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Getting back on track here, it’s time to reveal the totally true stuff I’ve learned from analyzing this event. Let’s do this.

First things first, why would Celestia choose to jeopardize her planned Royal Wedding? After all, a lot of things were riding on its success, and if anything was to go wrong, the pegasi nationalism/anti-unicorn sentiment could be brought back at full fighting force. Why would she choose to take such a risk?

Well, she wasn’t taking a risk. She had it all planned out from the start with Chrysalis. In fact, for Celestia, her alliance with Chrysalis was made purposely to strengthen the effects of the Royal Wedding.

Strengthen? By planning a false flag terrorist attack on the same day?

Yes, if you’ll just sit tight and shut yo’ mouth. It will make sense as it goes along.

So now we know Celestia’s intentions here; her plot with Chrysalis did not use the Royal Wedding as a cover, no, it was based entirely around the Royal Wedding. But what aboutChrysalis? What was she getting out of all this? Well, that was easy.[566] But that’ll be covered once the Royal Wedding is over, to fully appreciate at the juicy, context goodness. Just sit tight for now. It’ll all be revealed at the end of the chapter, believe me, I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.[567]

With the details of payment all sorted out,[568] it was time to put the plan into motion. But I haven’t exactly answered the question I posed at the start of this.[569] Why would Celestia choose to influence the Royal Wedding? Why go to all the effort to use Chrysalis and promise her some unclear reward for something that could easily backfire?

Well, I suppose Celestia shared certain traits with her banished sister yet. That’s probably why they were related. Because it seemed that Celestia too thought that if you’re gonna go all in, you gotta go all in.[570] And ironically enough, she would choose to pull off such a great gamble at the very same city where Luna had attempted the gamble of her own. Only for Celestia, it made even less sense to do such a “high reward but higher risk” gamble than it did for Luna. But the key difference, I suppose, was that Celestia actually managed to pull it off without a cinch. I’m not even gonna yell this time. Just…goddamnit Celestia. History sure loves to suck you off every chance it gets, huh?

Maybe it was her adequate planning, or the fact that she didn’t even have an enemy, it was more like she was putting on a performance for all of Equestria to see. Appearance is everything, something she learned of when she chose to ascend to alicorn status. And it was exactly for appearance’s sake that she would take this risk.

Let’s think back to the reasoning behind the Royal Wedding in the first place. What, did you think it was a celebration of Shining Armor and Princess Cadence’s 2pure luv 4 each other? Noo. I mean, yes, they had a loving, genuine relationship,[571] and yes, that’s why they thought they were getting married. But I’m talking about Celestia’s reasoning for the Royal Wedding. She set up the Royal Wedding, even set up Cadence from birth (but without telling her about her true origins or even letting her know about the hypnosis chip in her brain of course; Cadence was blissfully ignorant to all this) all for what? No, tell me, I forgot.

Oh that’s right! Thanks for reminding me, have one of my “You Tried.” stickers. ‘Cause you really did.

The Royal Wedding, and the “birth” and “rebirth” (alicornification) of Cadence was all for the appeasement of the pegasi; to entangle pegasi and unicorn beliefs so deeply together with the couple’s union so that they could never be freed, like an orgy of snakes experimenting with the Kama Poonta.[572] Sure, if the marriage was to go on as normal, everything would be fine and dandy, and Celestia would succeed in her goal.

But I guess she didn’t just want to succeed 100%, she wanted to go the extra mile. So what, add 1609.34 meters to 100% I guess. Not sure how the conversion on that works out, but I’m 91% sure that’s over 100%.

She wanted to prove to the public that their union was strong by having their love beat a seemingly unbeatable foe. And in doing so, it would fulfill another separate agenda of Celestia’s, which will be explained when we get to it. Sure, the Pegasi Spring had ended well over a decade ago and the pegasi were already satisfied, but Celestia had to go one step beyond. She had to ensure that pegasi nationalism would never be a problem again, and this Royal Wedding was to be the best way to accomplish such a feat.

In the end, the Chrysalis invasion was all just a ploy, a method to make it seem as though Cadence and Shining Armor possessed a love more powerful than anything in existence. And it had another intended after-effect; to beef up Cadence so she would be more respected, and to satisfy the fear that she was just a powerless figurehead (which she was, but Celestia didn’t want that leaking out). Most importantly of all, she needed Cadence front and center, in order to sell more copies of that month’s Playfoal when she was the featured centerfold (which I’m sure was totally a thing that happened).

Sometimes, with all this perfect manipulative planning to ensure things always go Celestia’s way, it makes me think she’s smarter than I give her credit for. But then I think back to all the times she was a terrible leader and the über dumb, and I settle right back into my old beliefs. And I feel better about myself.

Celestia would take this risk. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. Which is a physical impossibility.[573] But she would try it nonetheless, and because history has such a raging boner for her, it seemed that she would succeed in it.

Now when it came to The Echelon and their role in things here,[574] it seemed that they, like the Royal Couple themselves, were left mostly in the dust. Maybe not to the same extent, but still very significantly. For while they knew the Royal Wedding was planned for its role in ceasing pegasi nationalism (probably because they were behind the wedding’s preparations as well, given their role in setting up the couple’s romance in the first place), they did not know of the creation of Chrysalis and the deal that took place. I guess even Celestia keeps some secrets from others too. The Echelon knew a lot, but when it came to her false flag attacks, Celestia probably saw it better to leave them ignorant on those matters.

So, let’s see how this Celestia-Chrysalis plan really went down.

First things first, Chrysalis needed an army. This was supposedly to give Chrysalis a greater presence and to help her appear like more of a threat. After all, if it’s just one infiltrator to the wedding, then whatever. But if it’s a whole army of ravenous spawns of evil, well now you’ve got ponies’ attention!

As per according to the deal (a deal that I admittedly have not seen, but can easily guess what was on it and who promised what through simple logic), Celestia promised to provide the army. And did so she did.

Time to bust out that simple logic I was just bragging about in the parentheses above. The proof, the proof! How did I know Celestia promised to give her an army? Well, don’t you find it suspicious that Celestia’s entire kitchen staff was laid off?

I mean, yeah, they were fired after Celestia’s recent cake outburst that was behind Chrysalis’ birth, but I get the feeling she does that sorta thing all the time, and calls crawling back to them once she gets hungry again. But this time they were laid off permanently. This even resulted in having to bring in freakin’ Applejack to manage the catering of the entire Royal Wedding, with only minimal help from the royal servants. So why was Celestia’s staff permanently laid off?

Because Celestia had to make Chrysalis’ army alone in secret, which meant there could be no kitchen access for all non-Celestia personnel for the next few couple of months.

Of course, this meant that she would be making the army all by herself. It was probably hard work at first, but once she reduced the portion size of the recipe she used to make Queen Chrysalis, she’d be making baker’s dozens full of smaller Changeling soldiers by the hour. That would explain why all the Changelings had both horns and wings and look exactly the same as one another; they're all based off the recipe for the original alicorn clone, Chrysalis. And Celestia probably saw it as good practice too, should she ever get around to making her own evil clone army. And with this, within the month of the wedding, Chrysalis would have her minions.

The only question was how she would get them out of Canterlot. She obviously couldn’t just release them out in the streets during the event; ponies would wonder how they got through the defensive barrier in the first place and start pointing hooves.

So taking a page out of her supremely evil predecessors, the Nightmare forces, she would smuggle them out through the underground. Heck, I bet she even used some of their old tunnels too, as it was a convenient underground network spanning all of Equestria. After Celestia found of the existence of these tunnels when dealing with the aftermath of the Second Battle of Canterlot, if you were her and were presented with such an advantage, wouldn’t you want to keep that for a rainy day?

And in dealing with the taking of prisoners (the real Cadence and eventually Twilight, as part of the plan), the forgotten Canterlot Crystal Caverns just above the Nightmare caverns would prove to be an effective prison. Sure, she could’ve trapped them into the Nightmare tunnels themselves, but that would risk their discovery of the fact that Celestia was using them for her own personal gain. The Crystal Caverns would prove good enough. They weren’t easy to get out of, but not impossible either, so long as a pony present there knows how to fly.[575]

All of these preparations in Canterlot would also force Celestia to keep Twilight and her friends away for a while. Yes, they would unexpectedly come as the replacements for the Cakes for the Equestrian baking competition (something that held more significance in history than you might think), but for the most part, Celestia kept most of her foul preparations away from them. After all, if they were to burst into the royal kitchen without permission under the innocence of “exploring the castle” or “looking for the Little Filly’s Room”, the ruse would be discovered. And worse, if the mane six were to find the truth, the resulting cognitive dissonance could spell havoc for Celestia’s friendship plans. Also, the dark essence of the Elements would most likely rip them apart with all the stress of such a discovery. Probably. Hopefully.

That’s just how Celestia rolls I guess. So you better keep ‘em from discovering your secrets! We wouldn’t want a certain newly alicorn’d lavender Princess to go exploding, now would we?[576]

Princess Celestia of course accomplished the six’s ignorance by purposely spreading misinformation on who sent the engagement letter to Princess Twilight. Confusing Shining Armor into thinking his imaginary counterpart, Shining Amour already sent a copy of the letter to her (for some reason he actually fell for that, how the heck anypony could fall for that just astounds me. Maybe he was already stupefied by Chrysalis’ mechanisms at the time), then saying Princess Cadence sent it. Then Luna. And I’m sure Celestia milked this cycle of “who sent what” to its fullest potential before finally promising to inform Twilight about it. And by that, I mean literally waiting until the last second and sending an abrupt wedding invitation in the mail. After all, pissing Twilight off over the marriage was all necessary for the plan’s success. As I said, Celestia knew exactly how Twilight thinks. She was counting on it.

So the mane six were sent to Canterlot, all with their own missions given to them by Celestia. Whatever, only Twilight and Applejack’s role had any real importance out of ‘em all. As I always say, two out of six…is totally superfluous to this point. Why would you even bring that up?

Anyways, supposedly there was a threat made against Canterlot, which provoked its defensive mechanisms. But let’s look at this logically.[577] Under the official story, why would Chrysalis even announce her intentions? If she had already infiltrated Canterlot and had taken Cadence’s place as a foreign intruder, why choose to keep everypony on edge by announcing a threat anyways? Why even warn them of this?

Now back to my explanations; it was a plan by Celestia to incite the public into worry and fear, and to make the Changelings seem like a huge threat. And after all, when the populace is afraid, they’re stupid. And more accepting of things that don’t make a lick of sense. Making the threat well beforehand would keep them afraid and stupid for the events to come. An absolute necessity for Celestia.

Now let’s talk about some of Canterlot’s defensive strategies before the Royal Wedding itself, mainly the protective barrier cast around Canterlot. Regarding barriers in general, whenever a serious threat was made in Canterlot, it became traditional policy (following the Second Battle of Canterlot) to create a defensive barrier to be powered by a unicorn squad.

But Celestia subverted tradition and placed all the responsibilities of the barrier’s creation and maintenance surely on Shining Armor. But why? The official reasoning was that Shining Armor was the most capable of defensive spells, and he could really show off his stuff as a magical prodigy and Captain of the Royal Guard.[578] But I call bullshit on that one.

Sure, this barrier was far weaker in technique and power than Celestia’s during the Battles of Canterlot, but nonetheless, holding a barrier alone for such long periods of time still tires ponies out very easily (as seen by Celestia’s usage of this during the Battles of Canterlot and Cadence’s barrier during the Crystal Empire’s return). Why not return to your tradition of having a whole bunch of unicorns maintain the barrier to boost its power and offset the magical strain like what happened in the Second Battle of Canterlot? Why only use Shining Armor, the very groom himself, who’d be sure to already have a lot of stress preparing for the wedding?

Because Celestia needed to tired him out. While Chrysalis’ threat was needed to provoke the ponies of the city into a state of panic, it would be far too suspicious if, in light of this threat, Celestia declined to put up a barrier. So Celestia was forced to have a barrier to satisfy the public in the short-term, but she went out of her way to make sure it was the shittiest barrier ever, to ensure that the Changeling army could eventually break in. And she would choose to do so by tricking the tired Shining Armor to do this. But Celestia, if you wanted to have the shittiest barrier ever, you could’ve just held it yourself. OOOHHHHH

And having Shining Armor in a weakened state would make him more prone to hypnotism by Chrysalis. More significantly, it would make him less observant when it came to his contact lenses.

For it was said towards the Chrysalis-infiltrated Royal Wedding that Shining Armor had green eyes due to hypnosis.[579] It would make sense, Chrysalis' magic color was green, so his eye color meant that she took control over him. Or maybe, what I find more likely was that Shining Armor needed contacts (he was supposedly a nerd after all back in high school, it wouldn't surprise me that he would need corrective eyewear, although admittedly no data of this exists), and Celestia mixed green hypnosis potion into his saline solution to dull his senses, giving him the green eyed look. That makes sense.

So by weakening Shining Armor even further, as well as keeping him under hypnosis for the time being (because he needed to be kept out of the picture at the moment, until his time to shine finally came), Celestia orchestrated this whole shebang. And I’m sure she loved it.[580]

Moving on, why don’t we cover some other ponies who should’ve been relevant in this scenario? Mainly Celestia’s primary reinforcements, Princess Luna and the army of royal guards.

As we’ve already said, Princess Luna was replaced with a doppelganger a while back. But a pony of doppelganger Luna’s ineptitude (both social-wise and magical-wise; though I suppose she had sufficient power for some darkness shows and cheap tricks, like turning spider plushies into real spiders) and her total lack of understanding overall ensured that Celestia had to purposely keep her in the dark on this one. While keeping Luna out of her plans should have been a good omen for the plan’s success (doppelganger or not, Luna’s name alone was associated with many failures so far; the Equestrian Civil War, the return of Nightmare Moon, etc.), this instead made her into a wild card, something that could not exist in a plan that needed to go as smoothly as this one.

I mean, all that shitting on doppelganger Luna aside, I’m probably making her sound worse than she really was. She had adequate intelligence (for a failed clone I suppose; above the Royal Guard clones at least), blended in with pony society well (as a social cripple who needed to be taught by Twilight how to use her inside voice in public), and never made her identity as a clone obvious (probably because she was still oblivious of this fact herself). She was nowhere near as great of an idiot as Celestia. But that’s like comparing the toughness of a stone to a diamond; Celestia’s neigh unbeatable on this one. Luna was just simple, awkward (even more than the original, which is really saying something), and easily satisfied; let’s just leave it at that.

Let’s get back to looking at this. Going off the official story that Luna was redeemed and turned to the side of good and that Celestia wasn’t behind the Changeling invasion, why the heck wouldn’t she seek her out for help in this situation? Luna was (supposedly) an alicorn princess too, with powers at least close to Celestia. If Chrysalis really was such a powerful threat, Luna could have at least showed up and helped Celestia fight her.

And where the heck was Luna anyways? I know that “officially” (we’re just all gonna ignore that doppelganger thing like it’s the elephant in the room I guess) Luna didn’t exactly feel much warmth towards the extended family program, especially as it was pretty much made to replace her, but the first ever alicorn Royal Wedding in history, as well as the wedding of your own alicorn niece, and you MISS it? This just screams conspiracy. And if she was so busy “watching the skies for danger” as the excuse was, how could she not notice the extreme danger when the Changelings were smashing themselves against the barrier and its ultimate collapse? See, all these official explanations fall flat. Another possibility that’s not so official, but also thrown around as a popular rumor was that she fell asleep after staying up all night.

And that sounds normal enough, if it wasn’t for the fact that things would be so much more convenient for Celestia (and me) if the reason was simply because she was an ineffectual doppelganger who would just get in the way of the false flag attack, and was locked up in her tower to ensure she wouldn’t interfere. To be honest, I like this explanation better than the falling asleep thing. I mean, I know you’re supposedly nocturnal and everything but JEEEEEZ.

So Celestia needed to keep Luna occupied, probably telling her to go back to looking at the “pwetty lights in da sky with your birthday telescope” from the tower and to ignore any screams of terror in the city and the citywide magical barrier bursting in a theatrical display. Stick to your starwatching and applebobbing, buddy. And I bet she said it in a demeaning tone like that too.

Heck, not even that. I bet Celestia just tricked Luna with the stargazing by taping a piece of black construction paper with white dots to the end of the telescope and telling her it was the sky. Celestia was seen with the telescope beforehand and changed shifts with her sister; she was probably just setting everything up to keep Luna out of the loop and non-involved when the Changelings did break-in.

And the military! Ooh yes, let’s talk about the military. During the Royal Wedding itself, keeping in mind the huge threat made before the event, you’re telling me that not one guard could be bothered to even show up at the ceremony itself or try to stop Chrysalis as soon as she revealed herself?

How can it be that in just one episode (of this saga we call history) there seem to be multitudes of them all over Canterlot, but in the next, they're all gone? Seriously, so these guards are present for the dress rehearsal wedding but not for the actual wedding itself?

And let’s not forget the fact that there were hundreds of royal guards ready to protect the city the day beforehand, literally marching through the streets, but upon the moment of invasion, they all seemed to vanish. Only one or two could actually be recorded to be seen during the invasion itself, and they were totally ineffectual too.

Ineffectual? Sounds like our good friend,[581] the Luna doppelganger. So there’s a clear relationship between the two, Luna and the royal guards, during all this.

Sure, there was the obvious connection that the royal guards were clones too as well, and were also obviously fiercely loyal to Celestia. But their continued clone deterioration and low intellect also ensured that throughout the years they could no longer be trusted to the same extent as before, and could no longer be Celestia’s ace in the hole. In essence, to put it bluntly, like Luna, they became wild cards during the event themselves. As I said, even despite their loss in usefulness, they were kept for appearance’s sake. But they were no longer the perfect clone army Celestia had desired them to be, which was why she worked so hard in better-perfecting the cloning process. As wild cards, like with Luna, they needed to be dealt with.

To answer the age-old[582] question on where did all the bulk of the protective forces go, there’s a clear answer. Celestia made the unorthodox and unprecedented move of relieving all of them from duty (except for a couple who seemingly missed the memo) right before the wedding, and telling them to disperse. Like before, if there were too many of them when the invasion began, that could prove to be a problem, right? Canterlot would erupt into a full war zone between the Changeling forces and the useless royal guards. And the last thing she needed was a third Battle of Canterlot jumbling up her carefully crafted plans. Such a bloody battle between forces of such numbers would surely take precedence over the Royal Wedding itself, and I would think the public and the historians would remember the wedding not for its success in quelling the aftermath of the Pegasi Spring, but for the bloody battle that occurred in the city at the same time. Which would destroy the whole point of the thing.

And the only reason the royal guards and Changeling army were there in the first place was for appearance’s sake anyways, to make it seem like Canterlot was gearing up for a threat and to show the danger of the threat respectively. Celestia was in no way preparing to have them both fight a battle with each other.

So conveniently, all the royal guards were sent away from their posts on Celestia’s own personal orders. But these were secret orders, so there’s no real evidence of this.

What, I’m no military captain. I’m not exactly in a position to get a copy of these state secret orders. And if you think I’d ever volunteer to join Celestia’s army in the first place, you must be high on shrooms.[583]

But this is the best explanation on why most of them disappeared, especially after that accelerated build-up of forces a day before. While probably most of them were kind of confused over the whole thing, they had to obey the absolute words of their princess (for they were clones after all). They all had left their posts a few minutes before the barriers fell to ensure they wouldn’t interfere and to minimize all probable casualties from the guards who had no idea that there was no real threat. Yes, I’ll repeat it, ALL the guards did this in the span of a few minutes. Don’t underestimate the power of Celestia’s secret military orders.[584]

And thus, the army was gone for the scene, and the only ones who could fight Chrysalis’ army were the mane six. I suppose Celestia set this up too so they would have something important to do to keep them relevant in the sphere of history. And also to ensure their defeat due to the Changelings’ overwhelming numbers (and ambush), and to guarantee the non-use of the Elements of Harmony.

But with all that in mind, where did all those royal guards go? With numbers of that size, where could they have gone to stay completely out of the city while the invasion was going on? Well, Celestia probably just tricked them and locked them in a room with Luna to play Yahtzee until the whole thing blew over.[585] Told you that “ineffectual” connection would come back. As I said, eliminating the possibility of casualties would make the wedding still be fondly remembered in history, keeping the Changeling invasion as a footnote to strengthen the appearance of the power of love between the royal couple. The lack of guards on the streets made it seem like that Changelings were able to defeat them all, which would give them the impression that they were a bigger threat than they actually were (even though in actuality, most of the royal guards were with Luna, probably arguing amongst themselves on whether a straight or a full house was worth more points). The Changelings get a beefed up appearance and the royal guards (and Luna) are kept safe and oblivious over the whole thing. What a surprise, Celestia crafts another win-win scenario for herself.

Still doubting me? What if I told you that upon my own personal infiltration of the Royal Castle the night after the wedding,[586] in Luna’s private quarters I found a pair of dice.

Dice?

Dice.

Yahtzee.

We have surpassed coincidence and entered the void. Let go of your earthly tether to what you call “realism” and “logic”, and join me up here in the “enlightened pony realm”. We’ve got enough Doritos for all, friends![587] Beware all who enter here without thought, only true truth seekers need apply.

In the end, the only pony who was available to confront Chrysalis during her reveal was Celestia. Who already planned out the entire confrontation beforehand, for as we already know, she was in cahoots with Chrysalis. This just goes to show that Celestia deliberately set things up so she’d be the only one to face her. But why?

Because this was all part of her plan. For in their confrontation, Chrysalis, who was supposedly strengthened after feeding upon the pure power of Shining Armor’s love, apparently had the power to overwhelm Celestia.

This accomplished two things. First, it showed the pegasi and unicorns across Equestria that the power of the couples’ love for each other was strong enough to even beat Celestia, their all-powerful goddess! That would get them thinking, “That must be one strong love then,” further substantiating the legitimacy of the couple and serve to promote positive relations between the races even further.

And second, it would prove that Celestia could be defeated. Many traditionalists were shocked at seeing their princess defeated, power of love or not, and were sure to spout out many an excuse. Oh, she was just stressed out at the time, guys! She didn’t get enough sleep the night before! Or, she was suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome beforehand and just didn’t want to worry anypony!

But I wouldn’t fret too much over it guys, this was all part of Celestia’s plan. This whole show was just to show that Celestia wasn’t as all-powerful as previously believed (a fact already revealed by me back in Chapter 12), which would help break down her powerful cult of personality.

And why would she want that? To pave the way for her replacement and eventual retirement in favor of her chosen heir, Twilight Sparkle! It was to be a sign that she could be defeated, maybe even that she was slipping. Which would make her succession by Twilight all the more accepted by everypony.

Chrysalis was quite the good actress too apparently, she even nailed the "smiling with incredulity after beating Celestia" part. But she shared her genes with Celestia, the greatest actress of them all. For Celestia can pretend to be actually competent and a good ruler for over a millennia. I think that deserves a Golden Hoof Award right there.

Upon Celestia’s defeat, the Changelings broke through the barrier and entered the city. What is this, the third time Canterlot fell under attack? And it certainly wouldn’t have been the last.

As I said, the royal guards were no longer present in viewable sight in Canterlot at the moment, they were all occupied with an intense Yahtzee match with their Princess of the Night. But conveniently, at that very moment, the streets were empty of civilians and tourists as well. And don't go saying that most of the ponies would be in the castle, watching the wedding. This was supposed to be a big event, and even though the castle was huge, it wouldn't be able to fit everypony.

The streets were literally empty. Almost like the citizens of Canterlot were told to leave the streets open to keep them out of danger. And I know this order to be a fact, ‘cuz I was there. A royal order was sent out the night beforehand, declaring that all ponies who were not officially invited to be in the castle were all told to stay inside as the ceremony began (under the guise of the threat, and to avoid overcrowding at the moment of the wedding). But how nice of it that we are told to stay inside at the very moment coinciding with when the battle began (which also coincided with when the wedding was happening, but whatever).

Sure, I didn’t really want to stay in at the time, and I never listen to royal decrees either. But it seemed like my door was unable to be opened. It wasn’t because I had a massive hangover and overslept the entirety of the Changeling invasion or anything, no, it must’ve been because Celestia put a magical lock on all our doors. That rat bastard.

So yada yada yada, the mane six escaped Chrysalis’ clutches briefly, only to be thrown into an all-out brawl with her forces. Supposedly, it was quite a fight to behold.[588] Not like I would know, I don’t have any actual sources or accounts of this event, besides the words of immediate news articles, probably rife with Celestia-approved inaccuracies. Supposedly all other ponies were “good little citizens, and obeyed Her Majesty’s royal orders”, especially after seeing the Changelings burst in, and thus, no witnesses to the battle between the Changelings and the mane six were seen. But it’s not like you saw it either, so get back down into the mud like the rest of us.

The six apparently fought very valiantly, but were overcome by sheer numbers, as well as ambushed in the room where the fake Elements were kept. But this brings up even more questions. How the heck did the Changelings know where the fake Elements were? After all, they were just shown to break through the barrier. How did they know that that should be the first place to go to ambush them? And how could such a huge horde get into that location so quickly without being noticed by the six beforehand? Well, that’s easy peasy.

For Celestia deliberately planned the absence of the use of the Elements. Even though she told the mane six to seek it out upon her defeat (instead of grabbing somepony who seemingly should’ve been more helpful, like Luna. Conspiracy hint hint!), with this ambush, she ensured they wouldn’t be used. The Elements couldn’t save the day in this event; that would just be another notch in the already full belt of the façade of the power of friendship. No, in this scenario, Celestia needed the power of love, which is why she set up the six’s failure.

As to how they got in so quickly? As I had mentioned before, there were still a few Changelings lying in wait in the Crystal Caverns. They all did have wings after all, and upon receiving the signal that the magical barrier was broken, they flew right into a hidden passageway that led to the Elements room and lied in wait to complete the ambush. And that’s how the mane six were defeated (good thing for Celestia that they never questioned this).

With Celestia defeated, trapped in a Changeling cocoon (for appearance’s sake only. She was probably enjoying her time surrounded in syrup), the mane six captured, Shining Armor still in hypnosis, Cadence stuck to the floor with green goo, and Luna and the guards in the middle of the deciding round of their Yahtzee tournament, it seemed as though the day was lost.

So what did all the Changelings do once Chrysalis declared their victory and told them to “go wild”?

They only cornered and tied up the few stragglers still in the streets (probably the tourists and the one or two royal guards that missed the memo) who ignored the curfew warning. Oh no, what a terrifying punishment from these monstrous conquerors! Rope burn can hurt a lot! And what if they're tied too tightly? Oh, would somepony think of the children!

Wait, they weren’t even tied up with rope! No, they were tied up with sticky green syrup, the same green syrup that was easily obliterated with a simple spell from Twilight to free Cadence.

Celestia, I feel like all of your actions in trying to make the Changelings as little of a threat as possible is only proving to be counterintuitive to your original intentions. Well, whatever, it’s not like you ever listen to my advice before.[589]

The Changelings did supposedly fire green magical bursts into the city to accentuate the destructiveness of their invasion. But curiously, they didn't really destroy anything. It’s not like they toppled buildings or started fires or whatever. Those spells were literally just appearance-based, causing thick grey smoke to bellow from the ground. Almost like it was all a show. Evidence? I'd think so.

So sheesh. This was a lame excuse for an invasion if I’ve ever heard one. The one time the enemy gets into Canterlot, historically known to keep out some of the greatest threats Equestria had ever seen, and they don't do anything.[590] They don't even burn down orphanages, and I'd think that's the first evil thing anypony in their situation would do. No, they tied ponies up and snarled. Menacingly! Give me a break.

Another sign that this was all fabricated by Celestia. After all, this invasion was super lame. And anything super lame can be sure to have Celestia's hoofprints on it.

Getting back to the events in the castle now, while Chrysalis sung about her victory (why ponies even break out into spontaneous song in the first place still astounds me), she had said that she had always had the objective was to feed on a place like Canterlot since she was small.[591] But, if she really did have this dream since she was small, why only attack now? Why not immediately? I know most scholars say she had to build up her forces, whatever. But this still doesn’t make sense, at least when it comes to my theories, because she was born full-grown. Well, perhaps “small” meant back when she was still dough. Batter can have dreams too you know. Not all life starts in the oven!

And at this moment, when Cadence was freed and reunited with Shining Armor (and Chrysalis just let it all happen, probably because she was told to by Celestia), she gave him strength through the power of love, and with the union of their hearts as one, they re-formed the protective barrier and kicked Chrysalis and all her Changeling forces to the curb.[592]

So what, just touching the ends of your horns gives you strength? I suppose I know the power of the phrase, "just the tip", but this is just ridiculous.

And upon using the spell powered by love, the two's magical bodies briefly formed the shape of a heart. How lovingly dovingly fantastic. Celestia probably placed the innate knowledge of this spell into Cadence’s mind when she was created, just like how she set up her genes for her cutie mark, and gave her the ability to spread love. Celestia's really just trying to push this power of love thing now if she needs to rely on visual symbolism too.

And what the what, it worked. With the Changelings’ defeat, everypony was fooled and believed that the power of love saved the day. The Royal Wedding would continue a few days later to the rejoicement of all, and everypony just totally forgot about the terrorist attack and the terrifying powers of the Changelings of a few days prior. I mean, the ability to transform into others could easily wreak havoc on any political system and society itself, but who cares? There’s a Royal Wedding dance party I gotta get to!

So in the end, the Royal Wedding completely succeeded in its intentions, with both pegasi and unicorns well-satisfied, as us earth ponies just kinda stared at the whole thing awkwardly, wondering when it would be our turn to be manipulated by Celestia.

And with its completion, and the Changelings conveniently not being vaporized like the Nightmare forces were as soon as they touched the barrier (further evidence that Celestia chose to have Shining Armor put a weaker version of the spell on purpose, and weakened it even further herself), but rather just getting “blasted off again”, it ensured that they’d be back. Back for their payment at least.

For now that they had fulfilled their part of the bargain, it was time for Celestia to fulfill hers.

So let’s cover Chrysalis’ terms of the bargain.

Like the public explanation and her own admission had explained, Chrysalis desired to feed. For like Celestia, she too had an insatiable hunger. But not for baked goods, what, you think she was some sort of cannibal or something? That’s disgusting.

No, she ate live ponies.

Let me explain. If Celestia, the pony, has an insatiable hunger for baked goods, it is only obvious that the Celestia clone made out of baked goods would have an insatiable hunger for ponies. As I said in the last chapter, it would make even less sense for them to eat love. Can I eat friendship and rainbows too? And poop butterflies?[593] That whole love thing was only said as a ploy by Chrysalis to give a logical reason on how she could be strengthened by Shining Armor’s love, that’s all. If you give what she said more thought than your five seconds of acknowledgement, you’d remember that love isn’t a tangible thing; you can’t even hold it,[594] let alone eat it. No, this whole “eating live ponies” thing is the only logical explanation.

And that whole “putting ponies into green cocoons” thing, covered in ooze? Well, that was just their practice of putting prey into cocoons to keep ‘em warm. Also, because they secrete green syrup and its part of their blood, they were probably just sweetening them up. What’s a donut without a good glaze?[595] With all this in mind, it makes you wonder how Celestia even made clones with such monstrous abilities. But that’s a question for her, not me.

Of course, it’s not like this was the only thing Chrysalis wanted, but it was her most pressing desire at the moment. What’s the point of becoming a powerful queen if you just starve to death in a week afterwards? Especially as Celestia did vow that if they were to murder any ponies for food without her permission, she would go to the ends of the earth to punish them. She’s sort of honorable in that way I guess. Y’know, if there was any evidence that she ever said that. Which I shall choose to believe there isn’t.

To break it down then, Chrysalis was lacking a decent food source. A problem that Celestia would only be so glad to solve if Chrysalis was to help her. A “you scratch my back, I scratch yours” sort of deal. And Chrysalis would be given a small kingdom of her own (that was literally to be titled “The Changeling Kingdom” and was totally a place that existed before, according to Celestia) far to the south of Equestria (where no pony would ever come across them under normal circumstances) as an added bonus.

Celestia promised to feed them these live ponies (as they needed to eat), so she gave up her secret military force, the 10th legion. The legion that nopony had ever heard of before (as there is only known to be nine legions, which are all then divided into various subset regiments) and with no record of their existence. But don’t you find it suspicious that the military force that nopony had ever heard of before was never heard from again after this incident? Almost like they…disappeared. Not because they never existed, but because they were given in a deal to be feasted alive by unholy sentient baked goods. Can you now fully appreciate the extent of Celestia’s crimes?

It was perfect, the multitudes of ponies who nopony had ever heard of would feed the new Changeling hive for many a year at least. And because nopony knew them, nopony would even notice. With the trade of that many ponies as food, it ensured Chrysalis would be satisfied with the deal and her new kingdom, isolating herself from interfering further in Equestrian politics, and more importantly, it would keep her mouth shut regarding Celestia’s involvement in the whole thing. Win-win for Celestia and Chrysalis! Not so much for the 10th legion I suppose, they’d be eaten alive. This is what you get for be so deathly loyal to Celestia. And for being clones too, but I suppose they couldn’t exactly control that.

To ensure the longevity of the new Changeling Kingdom, Celestia even ensured that it would be near a forest. After all, as I said, all forests with thick brambles and twisted vines hold mirror pools, right? As long as the Changelings always left one guard alive, they could keep making more and more batches of food for themselves. And unlike Celestia, they wouldn’t mind the clone deterioration; it’d probably make ‘em easier to chew anyways.

It sounded as though Celestia had the plan all worked out. The only problem was that she couldn’t exactly meet Chrysalis herself; that would be excessively suspicious and bad for her image. She needed an excuse.

Which is why shortly after the wedding, the mane six and Celestia were known to meet up with Chrysalis. Sure, the official reason was that Ponyville was infiltrated by Changelings seeking revenge, three obscure blank flanked fillies were kidnapped (I think one of them was that Sweetie fella, but I don’t care either way), so the mane six had to go rescue them. But this was the aforementioned excuse to allow Celestia to meet up with Chrysalis privately with her royal guards.

After all, as I said, the Changeling Kingdom didn’t come into existence until that very year (otherwise more ponies should know what a Changeling is, not just the pony who was kidnapped by them), but before the crisis, Spike would burp out a message and a map from Queen Chrysalis herself, conveniently telling them what was going down and where to find her Kingdom.

But how did Chrysalis even find a way to deliver this message through Spike? After all, he was almost exclusively the magic mail deliverer-thing for Celestia. So only one pony could have provided Chrysalis access to the use of Spike-Mail© to directly contact the mane six. I’m not implying anything here, but I am directly yelling in your ear that Celestia’s behind it all.

And to top it all off, after the crisis and Chrysalis’ supposed “second defeat”, Celestia showed up to take everypony home and wrap it all up, like the cops arriving after the good guys had already saved the day.[596] But of course, this too was just a façade, to give Celestia the excuse the go see the Changeling Queen herself.

Seriously, at the end of this “Return of Queen Chrysalis” crisis, it is well documented that Celestia asked to see Chrysalis alone with her guards,[597] after meeting with the mane six when they supposedly beat her. Why would she need to do this? Because the whole adventure was just a ploy, a cover-up story, to allow Celestia the excuse to properly deliver her payment.

This explains why Chrysalis specifically attacked Ponyville; to provoke the mane six into action (after they didn’t do much in the first Changeling crisis) and to boost her own image as a threat so nopony would suspect connection between her and numero uno of Equestria. Nopony except me.

In the end, upon meeting with Queen Chrysalis, Celestia used a powerful space-time magic to transport the entirety of the 10th legion to her location (which was a necessity for this spell apparently), and completed the transfer and deal. Celestia would leave them to their fate as she returned to leave with the mane six, as the hungry Changelings prepared to enjoy their first meal. Probably with copious amounts of green syrup. Well, enjoy your retirement, guys. You’ve earned it.

With this, we can close the chapter on the Changelings. Forever. I mean it. And close off this chapter in general. The Royal Wedding may have accomplished everything it needed to, but this did not mean the changes that came with it would dissipate into thin air. There were to be some changes, and Celestia would have new plans (as usual). Let us march forward![598]

Chapter 34: Defeats and the Dilemma of Reformation – The Final Game

In the interlude between the Royal Wedding and Twilight’s ascension, many a thing had happened, most notably, the return of various past villains. Maybe it was just a final “boss rush” before Twilight could unlock her alicorn status, but as it stands, there were many old and new challenges for her team to face. Of course, this was all covered in signs of Celestia’s interference, like a pony leaving Dorito dust hoofprints on everything. It’s just a part of my personal style, Larry! I’ll clean it up when I’m good and ready![599]

To start things off, let’s cover the return of the Crystal Empire. To be honest, there wasn’t really much on this to note, but it’s necessary to set up the real hay and potatoes of the fic.

But before I can do that, (as an aside to the aside) I feel I should delve more deeply into Princess Cadence herself; more specifically, her role as the Crystal Princess and her cutie mark.

As you already know, Celestia had made small genetic alterations to Cadence in her doughy pre-formed state. Like the love spreading ability, implantment of the hypnosis chip, etc. But one of the most significant changes Celestia made[600] was to arrange her cutie mark to be a crystal heart. The logic of which was supposedly quite simple. Heart (power of love) + crystals (for completely coincidental reasons, of course).

And hey, would you look at that, the Crystal Empire just happened to be powered and protected by a crystal heart. And the Crystal Heart, the ancient Crystal Empire artifact, represents royalty, power, and all that is good in the empire. Ain't that swell. I guess that means once the Empire returns and is reconquered, we know who should rule over it, huh? I mean she's got the sign on her butt and everything. She’s gotta be that Crystal Princess, right?

Celestia truly was clever. Not only did she create Cadence in order to solve the Pegasi Crisis, but she planned for the future as well; Cadence acted like another one of Celestia’s Chekov's guns.[601] To reclaim ownership of the Crystal Empire and simultaneously gave Cadence something to rule over due to her “fated right”.[602] Big fucking surprise. Celestia plans so far in advance that everything just works out.

But as I said earlier, there wasn’t much to discuss when it came to the Crystal Empire’s actual return. In fact, if I may put it bluntly, it was an utterly forgettable experience, at least in the eyes of true history (me). I mean it was alright; a lot of things happened I suppose. The Crystal Empire finally returned to historical relevance after centuries of inaction, Sombra stayed hardcore till the end, getting brutally shattered into pieces thanks to another deus ex barrier, and the rest of the mane six arrived ~~to help save the Empire~~ to sit idly in the sidelines when shit really went down, as they watched Twilight save the day again.[603] So it was all par for the course really.

And don’t tell me that’s all wrong and Spike saved the day. All that crap was superfluous ‘cuz it never happened. I met the guy, and he doesn’t even look like he can save a soufflé from deflating, let alone an Empire. And as if a dragon could ever save anything. Preposterous.

I bet Twilight was just giving the credit to him to boost his ego. And well done with that, Twi; as if a dragon would need an extra push to turn into an arrogant and greedy monster and destroy everything.[604]

Whatever. Your future princess, I guess. Totally qualified to lead us all.[605]

What was way more important to me were the consequences that happened afterwards. To be specific, the transfer of leadership to the Royal Couple and subsequent moving in of soldiers into the Empire.[606] As mentioned, all of this allowed Celestia to seize Sombra’s dark artifacts for her own and purge the libraries of all the sources she deemed to be unsavory. But most significantly, with this, she would steal the Empire’s greatest prize of all, its independence. After hundreds of years of fierce isolationism, the Crystal Empire finally fell into Celestia’s clutches.

For while the Royal Couple were granted the right to rule the Empire, Cadence and her husband were to be puppet rulers, figureheads if you would, who would never hold real power. Instead, it would be Celestia who would manipulate everything behind the scenes; with the Empire’s recapture and integration into Equestria, this ensured its complete control was completely in her hooves. This pretty much gave her the opportunity to finally fulfill that longer-than-millennia desire of hers to control the Crystal Empire, all-the-while delegating all the “dealing with the inane Crystal ponies and their fairs” that turned better ponies mad[607] to Cadence.

And there ends our recollection of the Return of the Crystal Empire. You might think that was pretty short, but I’ve covered all that I can with it. In fact, it would’ve been so little importance to history,[608] if it wasn’t for the fact that it had one major role to play in this game yet. But, on the plus side, we’re probably done with talking about Stoic Boredom and Princess Raggety-Bland in this essay, so we’ll just leave the “happy couple” and the Crystal Empire alone for now. Seeyah! You won’t be missed.[609]

What else happened in the meantime? Well, I already covered that Chrysalis’ Return thing before. I suppose I should close off the Nightmare forces’ thing as well.

After their defeat in the Second Battle of Canterlot, the Nightmare forces were forced to retreat, to be hunted down and sealed in a more permanent fashion in Tartarus once more. Of course, their numbers were reduced once more upon the failure of this Second Battle, and they were once again powerless. But, with Nightmare Moon’s own defeat with Celestia’s purification spell, the weakened Nightmare forces that once occupied her body were able to escape, choosing to lie in hiding in the shadows as they returned to full strength by harnessing the power of the full cycle of the moon. And once they were strong enough, they chose to establish their base on the moon itself as they bided their time.[610] Just another sign that the moon holds some wicked dark energies of its own, I suppose (which again, supports my moon’s usage with the Elements theory).

Anyways, they would need to possess some physical bodies in the meantime to re-strengthen themselves, and the natural fauna of the moon would serve them well. And to accelerate their growth of power even further, they chose to strike as a nightmare in the dreams of the unsuspecting back in Equestria. To ensure that they would return to fight one day. And to exact their revenge on the redeemed Luna.

I guess the Nightmare forces’ have the worst karma in the world or something,[611] for they messed up big time in coordinating with Luna again. For while they fretted over and plotted their revenge over who they thought was their treacherous former princess while they were back on the moon, little did they know that she was only a doppelganger; their true Princess was sealed back inside the moon the whole time, right under their noses.[612] And I bet this Luna would have even willingly joined their side all over again, given that Celestia betrayed her for no real apparent reason. But alas, their reunion was not to be. History’s full of cruel ironies sometimes.

Well anyways, that’s all there is to know about that. Sure, they caused a few nightmares in a select few six (a book voucher to whoever guesses which six we’re talking about). But that’s nothing that a little insomnia can’t fix.[613] And sure, supposedly they struck again, staging an elaborate attack on Ponyville. But that was such a non-threat that nopony really mentions it. I heard sources say they were even defeated by baking sheets and a turtle. A freakin’ turtle![614] I mean Nightmare forces, I know you only had the pansy-ass moon bunnies to possess as your army, but when you fail to this degree, you shouldn’t be surprised that your battle is completely forgotten by history on the next day.

And by-the-by, while we’re on the subject, why does everything exciting only happen in Ponyville? Canterlot stuff, I understand, it’s the freakin’ capital of Equestria. But Ponyville, not so much. Why not Las Pegasus? Or the cities near Unicorn Range? Basically why aren’t any other non-Earth pony towns attacked ever? Always Ponyville. Whatever.

~~I’ve also heard rumors regarding the incident about something about the Element of Generosity (already forgot her name. Charity was it?), being possessed into becoming the next Nightmare Moon. But the very idea of some prissy fashionista becoming a Nightmare induced threat is not only absolutely ludicrous, but incomprehensible as well. And apparently she changed back with the “magic of friendship”~~ again~~?~~ ~~Gag me with another spoon.~~ ~~So I’m not even going to continue to discuss those rumors. In fact, I’m crossing it out. Don’t try to stop me, I’m totally doing it.~~

So we’ve ran through another threat of the month. But if I’m speeding through all of these so quickly, surely I must be building up towards something big. And yes I am, for the return of this past villain would be the most significant thing to occur in these last couple of months, besides the release of this essay. And the creation of canned bread. And the ascension of Twilight Sparkle. Whatever.

The return of…Trixie.

I mean Discord. Who the heck is Trixie? Some obscure show magician? How could anypony ever consider her a credible threat, much less a “period-defining past villain”? Get out of here.

Obviously, it’s Discord. And believe you me, covering his second return is gonna be quite a doozy. Let’s get started.

Discord was a significant figure in many respects, and with his return in 2011, he forcefully pushed his way back into the eyes of history. For after his Great Game with Celestia, many significant events would unfold because of this, and more importantly (in my eyes), Discord revealed for the first time in all of Celestia’s years, that there was another who knew the truth behind it all.[615] Celestia’s crimes, the dark magic connections, and all the rest of the fixings.[616] Sure, Discord was still soundly defeated by the end of his first return thanks to Celestia’s bullshit,[617] but his actions cannot be understated.

For Discord had sown the seed that he knew would be the key to his return. As soon as he hinted that he knew more than he was letting on to Celestia, it ensured that he would hold relevance yet.

Celestia knew this herself; she knew that she would have to privately confront Discord on his knowledge sooner or later. But she waited a bit, probably a bit out of fear,[618] and mostly because she was kept busy with her accidental creation of the Changelings and her subsequent plan. But it was not as though she did not prepare to deal with Discord at all during this time, she was just a little more preoccupied with the Changelings. Once all that was over, she could go into it, horns blazin’.[619]

She knew she had to communicate with him, but given that he was still petrified, this would be a very difficult thing to do. To discuss matters with Discord in the first place while he was trapped as a stone statue would be quite difficult, if not impossible. After all, she couldn’t just release Discord on her own without negotiating with him first; if he was somehow to escape immediately upon his release, this could be prove to be catastrophic to everything Celestia had worked for.

Think about it, if the six had learned that Discord had escaped “supposedly” on his own (even though it was really Celestia who released him in this hypothetical scenario), they would think the power of friendship was not as strong as they thought, especially if Discord could break out of his stony prison in little more than a year. So Celestia could not take such a risk in releasing Discord first and negotiating with him later; she would have to do it in a more controlled environment.

The only other option other than returning Discord to the physical realm, was to have Celestia travel to his realm. Because according to Discord’s own words,[620] he was still fully conscious during his paralysis. This meant that while his body was imprisoned through dark magic, his mind was in the same dark plane of existence, separate from ours, but still conscious. So if Celestia was to make any sort of a reasonable discussion with the “villain” (who’s the real villain in the scenario, Celestia? I think you’ve got your roles mixed up), she would have to travel to that dark plane of existence herself.

Now, there was one obvious way to get there; follow suit in the example of Discord and get sealed into stone yourself. But it couldn’t just be any kind of stoning, after all, creatures such as the cockatrice could easily petrify a pony just by looking into its eyes. However, to assume the cockatrice’s petrification and the Elements’ petrification were the same would be a huge mistake. Cockatrices could turn one into stone, yes, but the petrification process of the Elements of Harmony was on a completely different level of dark magic. After all, if self-proclaimed god of chaos Discord could be sealed so easily by one wrong look at a cockatrice, he would’ve never risen up to become such a big threat. No, the Elements’ petrification process was much more powerful, so Celestia needed to use a method more similar to its strength.

And what better way to achieve a level equal to its power than just using the damn Elements themselves? You would think that’d be the smartest thing to do, but I suppose Celestia thought this through more than I had thought. For remember, most of the dark essence of the Elements were currently sealed inside the six (who in turn, were all unaware of this, and thought it came from the false Elements), and besides the bit of extra dark essence still in her purple bib jewel, Celestia was essentially powerless to reach the heights of the Elements alone. She was one of the most, if not the most, adept in dark magic in all of Equestrian history (with maybe Sombra trailing in a distant second as the dark scholar, followed by the Nightmare-possessed Luna), but even she paled in comparison with the Elements. So if she wanted to be sealed in order to speak to Discord on the same dimensional plane he was trapped in (which is totally how the petrification method works apparently), she could not rely on her own power, but would need to ask the mane six to seal her.

However, even Celestia could prove to be smart sometimes. Or more like she could prove to see the excessively obvious signs. But I suppose that’s still a feat for a pony such as herself. For the simple request of asking the mane six to seal her into stone like with Discord would obviously be one responded by suspicion and confusion by the six. They would immediately think, "Why would Celestia request this from us?" and "Isn't that what we did with Discord?" They might start thinking that it was almost as if Celestia was the bad guy here. And she didn’t need that sort of idea in their heads at all (even though it was quite true); it would throw a screw into her masterplan.

Andd, if she did somehow manage to trick the six into petrifying her (how? Probably a mixture of their stupidity, hypnosis spells, and Celestia’s manipulations), she risked the chance of sealing herself, just like Discord, forever as an eternal statue. After all, remember the dark essence of the Elements in the six had no real “redeeming” power; why would it free ponies from prison? So despite what the mane six believed, their Elements held no such power of light. Remember, all of these “redemption spells” and other garbage used in the past were secretly pulled off by Celestia alone. So using them to free herself after she was petrified would understandably be very difficult for her to do, given that she would be kind of immobile at the time. But imagine if she did manage to seal herself without thinking of an escape route. Celestia’s name would fade away into history, as she would be sealed for generations and surely never be mentioned again; much like how villains from the Classical Era are usually forgotten by most ponies but then reappear out of nowhere centuries later for the next big showdown.

So with this high risk, low reward set-up in play, asking the mane six to seal her was clearly out of the question.

I can already hear some of you ask, “with Celestia’s knowledge, couldn’t she have used another method to communicate with Discord?” And to that I answer, yes, yes she could. And in fact, yes, yes she did. But this method was not through magic. I mean, I guess it was a type of magic I suppose, but probably not the type that you’re thinking of.[621]

Yes, Celestia relied on another way. Because there were other ways to get stoned to Discord’s level, y’know.

For she did have to use a “new magic” to accomplish this meeting alright, the magic of drugs. What better way to talked to a stoned draconequus than getting stoned yourself?

As the DARE program had taught me (which stood for "Drugs Are Really Excellent" I think, but admittedly, I wasn’t paying attention), drugs are a gateway to dark magic. As the trained instructor had told us, drugs were supposedly the "bane of all good" and would expose our young minds to “hellish”[622] behaviors. We learned that when high, you begin to see into the darkness of your soul and beyond, viewing things that should never have been seen by mortal ponies.[623]

And it is for this reason, to view the darkness of the unfathomable secrets of history, that I always blaze it 420 erry day. It’s not because it’s fun or enjoyable or anything, it was because I was dedicated to discovering Celestia’s dark secrets, no matter what the means. Because drugs would open up a viewpoint into the true darkness of the world (as we were taught), this would mean that if I blaze one up, I’d get a glimpse into Celestia’s dark secrets as well, right? This is why many of the theories of my essay were written using this method. Who needs sources when you could just use drugs?[624]

Smoking a shit ton of weed every day; the things I'm willing to do for you guys. It’s all for the purposes of discovering truth and enlightening you fools. So get off my back, coppers, I need this for my essay. It’s not recreational; it’s purely for academic use only.

Of course, poking smot only gives one a glimpse into the darkness. To become truly one with the darkness; to enter that dark plane in which Discord’s mind resided after his encounter with the Elements, you would need much more than a metric shit ton of weed.

And with this a new problem arose. Celestia could not rely on the illegal street drugs to accomplish this. It would be suspicious for her to even be spotted with any dealers, especially the most reliable of which, my homemare, Tricky G. She’s a good bud of mine who I can always rely on for some good bud. She’s got the stickiest icky in all of E, g.

In accordance to this early hypothesis I postulated even before I started this essay, made as early as 2011 after Discord’s first return and defeat, I had told her to watch out for any hooded member of royalty or Royal Guard attempting to purchase large amounts of weed from her, and if so, to report immediately back to me.

She responded with a, “Sure, whateverrr you say, holmes. But that’s gonna be like, an extra fifty bits per purchase for, y’know, uh, observance fees.”

And despite the fact that for the first two years, I found out she was selling me dried parsley, I still treat her word as god. At least more god than our actual supposed god, Celestia.

Anyways, the fact that she had nothing to report for the last two years (as I continued and still continue to pay her for her helpful work, just in case) does fit in with everything. As I said, if she or a member of royalty was caught with the stuff, it would completely ruin their reputation and integrity as well as cause abject suspicion.[625] After all, have you seen Tricky G? Not exactly the model of sophistication we’re talking here. I heard she even hangs out with the homeless.[626]

So if not by the dealers, how did Celestia accomplish such a drug-related feat? Well, it’s here where we bring back the Crystal Empire. Its capture was of course, vital to the façade of the importance of Princess Cadence, as well as another way to ensure Twilight was ready for her eventual ascension, etcetera, etcetera. But the real big game behind its capture was the fact that it was the last place one could find high quality Mary J.

It wasn’t grown in the fields or anything mind you, that would’ve been too obvious. No, Sombra grew it himself in his own secret weed labs, hidden underneath his castle. After all, he was a skilled horticulturist, right? That would explain why he would be growing top tier, state of the art stuff. With his skilled knowledge of plants, growing the stuff would be the most logical thing he could do.[627] And as a later practicer of dark magic, he too would realize their properties in unlocking the secrets of darkness. Probably used them a few times to advance his learning on the dark arts (because it’s not like they had instruction books on the stuff at that time, most dark magic was found through experimentation). I’m absolutely sure of it. 420% sure. What time is it again? I’ll be right back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So that’s just another reason ~~(that I just thought of)~~ why so many of Celestia’s royal guards stormed the Empire upon the six’s departure. To destroy the sources (like I said in Chapter 1, were totally real, and to bring tons and tons of saddles worth[628] full of Sombra’s magical weed, for the purposes of Celestia’s communication with Discord.[629]

Obviously, this must have been something that she had been planning for a while (like I said), as even before the Royal Wedding, she held a multitude of baking and cooking contests.[630]

Some might say that she was just testing the waters, to decide catering for the approaching wedding. But to that I say, if that was the case, why was Applejack randomly chosen at the last minute to handle food? This was to deal with the whole “firing of her cooking team” that I’ve already covered in the last chapter, but it’s still relevant here. If these cooking contests were so meant for the wedding, why was the completely non-participating Applejack chosen to cook all of it? Why wouldn’t you have chosen any of the winners of those competitions to make the food? Especially when you had Pinkie Pie, the masterbaker, right there anyways!

And what makes my theory all the stronger was the fact that Celestia was tasting the food of those competitions herself. I know that she was supposedly quite the cake connoisseur631, but wouldn’t it make more sense that she was just personally deciding what to choose as her munchies? After all, she needed to be well-prepared for this; she’d have the largest case of munchies in all of Equestria once she smoked that giant joint.

For as I said, in order to even come close to the raw petrification of Discord, she would need to smoke tons and tons of that good stuff. According to a weedologist scientist (who assured me that that was a totally real profession after paying him), to achieve a stoning even close to Discord’s, one would need to smoke “like, ten metric tons of weed or something, fo’ shizzle.”[632]

When it came to the details behind Celestia’s munchies (yes, I am still going on with this topic. It is a realm of history that is too often ignored by most other excuses for historians), she had decided to choose the winner of her National Dessert Competition as the sole creator of her post-blaze food. Which, unfortunately for that year, happened to be all four mmmain contestants. How lucky for them.[633] And if you can’t tell, that was sarcasm.[634]

For they’d be forced into secret subservience for a year to create a heaping load of sweet treats, be banished inside the moon for their efforts (to close the loop and to ensure that the secret never got out), and get quietly replaced by a new batch of perfected Changeling-based doppelganger clones. And nopony would be any the wiser. The poor winners of course being, let me read off the sheet here.

Gustave le Grand. Hah! A filthy griffon? No sympathy for that poor bugger.

Mulia Mild? A mule? See above.

Pinkie Pie? Well obviously she couldn’t be replaced by any clone or anything like that; it would be too much of a risk for Celestia to kidnap her prized Element of Laughter into slavery just to make baked goods. And besides, it’s a stretch to assume Pinkie Pie would ever be involved in cloning hijinks, and the rest of the six could probably pick the real one out from a mile away. They were friends after all.[635]

And finally, Donut Joe. Oh man, the Joe name just doesn’t get any luckier when it comes to Celestia, huh? The irony of banishing the clone Joe and re-replacing him with another clone Joe was probably not lost on Celestia, but she doesn’t exactly seem like the type who would give a shit. If it’s any consolation, you can finally meet your original counterpart inside the moon too. And the original Luna would probably be happy to see all three of the new guests join her living quarters. After all, misery loves company.

Getting track’d on backs here, once the whole Crystal Empire crisis was solved, and the ignorant captain of the Royal Guard (why even choose Shining Armor to be the captain if you’re gonna go to all the effort to keep your secrets from him?) was entrusted to be back at the Empire, Celestia set to work constructing the largest joint in existence.

Planning began immediately, with the Luna doppelganger told to play in the dirt of dream forests or something to keep her occupied. For like before, she was a wild card for this too (like she was for everything. Which makes one wonder why Celestia didn’t just go up and re-banish her to the moon again. I guess she needs to keep her there for appearance’s sake). The mane six also could not be present to see its construction, so like always, the Echelon pulled some strings to ensure they wouldn’t be in Canterlot for the rest of the ~~season~~ year.

Early construction was halted with the 2012 paper shortage (something the populace apparently didn’t notice), due to an planning underestimation error of the amount of paper they needed.[636] To help solve this, Celestia probably just used some of Twilight’s stupid letters (as they already served their purpose after the defeat of Discord), which explains why only copies are available to the public. Sure, supposedly the real ones are kept safe by Celestia, but who are you more willing to believe? The government or me?

Of course, this wouldn’t be enough. So while the paper making factories went to work to construct more paper for purposes that were never explained to them (which was a rather slow process; paper didn’t grow on trees after all), Celestia took a brief break to do some diplomacy with the Saddle Arabians. Y’know, pacifying their demands for greater freedoms by taking them out to see random forest animals be levitated into the air with fireworks flashing behind them, or whatever you idiots consider to be “entertainment” these days.

“But Loose Change!” you might ask, and then I would hit you for interrupting me again. You’d think you would have learned your lesson by now. But the point you would surely make is that “if the joint really was so large, how could it be hidden from everypony in Canterlot for so long? Wouldn’t somepony notice?”

Well, given that this was Canterlot mind you, most unicorns’ heads were too far up their own asses to look up a few times. And to the ponies smart enough to actually do so (me and Larry), we of course kept our eyes peeled once we suspected such foul construction was occurring.

But lo and behold, we unfortunately couldn’t see anything either. I suspect the joint was constructed behind that huge tower of the royal castle. The tower’s already shaped like a joint well enough, so it would have more than enough space to hide the actual giant joint being constructed behind it. Isn’t that convenient. More evidence that Celestia had planned the creation of the tower for this purpose all along. I don’t care if it was constructed during the Classical Era; she could’ve just looked into the future using her dark powers and know that such a joint would be needed.

Funny that she didn’t use this to predict Luna’s fall, but this isn’t evidence of weaknesses in my theory, but rather of Celestia’s own stupidity. It’s her fault she didn’t bother to do so, not mine.

With that paper shortage finally over, the joint was eventually completed. With Luna still poking around in the dirt like a neutered moron (which she practically was), Celestia finally got around to smoking that giant joint of hers, finally succeeding in communicating with Discord on that plane of darkness.

There’s no evidence of what they discussed in their meeting (and even less so that they met beforehand at all, or that Celestia even made a giant joint), but bear with me on this one. You’ve trusted me tons of times throughout this essay, and I haven’t led you astray yet. The only words that come out of my mouth[637] is the language of truth. And love. And whatever the language is for ordering more rounds of beer.

Upon meeting with Celestia on that plane of dark magic, Discord was surprised. And pissed. Probably more of the latter. For the master ruse master was probably still angry that he had been outrused after his first return.

But Celestia made a deal with him once more. This was the entire reason that she went to all the effort to discuss things with him. She needed to eliminate Discord as a threat, on a more permanent basis. And if she could mold him into a tool for her future use, well, that would just be an added bonus.

Hey, has anypony else noticed that Celestia just keeps on making deals with villains? Isn’t that kinda weird after her purely anti-villain policy (eg. Sombra, Luna in the Civil War, etc.) pre-Twilight Sparkle?[638] I mean it’s not like I’m making excuses or anything to prove my points, you b-b-baka.[639] Celestia just happened to start doing this. Like a pony jumping onto a sick new trend.

Don’t look at me like that! I can’t explain all the shit Celestia does! Why don’t you just ask her all your shitty questions? What, do you think I know Celestia more than she knows herself?[640]

Well, I guess Celestia always does this because she knows it’s the only way she can win, since she has no honor.

As to why Celestia bothered to make a deal with him at all? Well, I suppose as both rulers and villains (though Discord’s status as a villain was debatable, I usually just think of him as a moderate) they had a cursory understanding of each other. Discord of Celestia; knowing how to push her buttons and make her afraid of his knowledge, and Celestia of Discord. For Celestia knew that while Discord was smart and surely knew it was a trick, it was a deal that he would surely take, to prove his ruse superiority once and for all.

And with that, the Great Game was on once more. But it was to be their last. Final Round, 5 stock, no time limit. Who’ll nail the final smash? Let’s see how it goes.[641]

What were the details of the last Great Game? I just said, 5 stock, no time limit.

But what was more important here were the terms. Everything always comes down to the terms. And this game would be quite simple, something that Discord was sure to love.

All he had to do was convince one of the mane six to relinquish her Element to him by the end of the day to regain his freedom. Of course, they spent an eternity (or at least they probably did, cuz as I mentioned, there’s no actual “evidence” on this) debating the ground rules of the bet beforehand.

Discord happily approved the concept of the bet, for as traditionalist historians said and I agree with, Discord loved himself a challenge.[642] To prove better than others, and to fill his immortal time. Not like he had anything better to do at the moment.

As both master rusers, they had to be careful not to slip up and gave an advantage to the other. Discord loved to make deals, but he had to be especially careful, for this was the Luna-backstabbing-dealing Celestia he was playing against. Celestia agreed not to seal him again if she lost (a deal I sincerely doubt she would ever keep, she loved ruling over others like a fatty loves cake, which by-the-by, was an analogy that also happened to apply to her), but Discord could not use any of his chaotic magic to forcefully manipulate them, and had to rely on other means.

Celestia even granted Discord the “advantage” of turning Fluttershy, as she knew Discord knew she was the biggest pushover and would fall the easiest.

Of course, like the master manipulators they were, they both had aces up their sleeves. Discord himself had a catch; he agreed not to use magic to convert Fluttershy or any other pony, but this did not mean he couldn’t manipulate other creatures, something he intended to use to his full advantage.

But Celestia had the real ace, the ace…of spades.[643] For she had Fluttershy’s secret subconscious hypnosis kept on, in which she could manipulate her in case things got too out of control. And as a last ditch resort, upon Discord’s release, she kept a passivity spell (yep, I remembered that ~~plot point~~ factoid from Chapter 12) on him while he was dazed from release. Of course, this passivity spell was somewhat different; it was set to kick in if Celestia actually lost somehow (which was a scenario she really doubted would occur). And this passivity spell was not combined with an aging spell (which would make no sense to use in this scenario), but with a reforming spell instead, the same one she had used to reform the original Luna a few years before.

Why she didn’t use that reforming spell on Nightmare Moon when she confronted her during the war, iunno. She probably had a hard on for sealing “evil” threats using her Elements at that time, sister or not be damned.

Or, according to that pissy thing called “reality”, the spell was only created recently and was thought to have not even been possible. In fact, it was a spell that Celestia had heavily researched and created herself for the entirety of the Millennial Stagnation supposedly.[644] For the purposes of reforming her sister herself after she lost her connection to the Elements? Possibly.

But I’ll stick to my guns like a fly on ol’ lardbutt. There’s enough nutrients in that thing to feed generations of future flies.

After finally agreeing to the deal, probably with a whole ton of articles and clauses to ensure “fairness” (which in truth, was just them making sure they had covered all exploitable bases), Celestia was able to free Discord. Almost.

First she had to come off of her high. That giga-kilo-shitton of weed would do that to you. After the consumption of her munchies, she could get down to business.[645]

But not in the way you might have thought. Because Celestia could only free Discord by using the six’s false Elements, anything other than that would make them question the power of friendship. So she took Discord’s statue with her to Ponyville, and had them release him on their own.

She tried to alleviate their fears by saying she “cast a spell ensuring Discord couldn’t take the Elements again”. Bloody ‘eck, Celestia, try a little harder please. If this so-called “spell” of yours always existed (which I really doubt), why not use it before? Heck, why not use it literally all the time? Whatever.

She even comforted Fluttershy before the whole thing. Saying she “trusted” her and everything. Yeah, she trusts you alright. Trusts you enough to give you away as the advantage to Discord to convince him to follow through with the deal. She trusts your hypnotism, not you. But as the fantastic actress she was, one wouldn’t even be able to tell. And I would know. I told Spike about the whole hypnotism/deal thing and he looked at me like I was, like, an idiot or something. Me! So all this is obviously just due to Celestia’s fantastic acting of course.

And in fact, it is recorded[646] that Celestia disappeared right before his release. Now let’s look at this more closely. Why in blue blazes would Celestia, under the official reasons (aka, ignoring the dark magic power of the Elements, and Celestia being the immortal puppetmaster she is), not want to ensure that Discord’s release went smoothly?

Now let’s look at the real reasons. When it came to reforming/releasing enemies, Celestia’s the only one who can get ‘er done. As stated before, even though the true essence of the Elements was sealed inside the six, this power could never be used to reform/release anything due to its dark power. So yes, Celestia had to be the one to do the releasing. But she couldn’t actually be seen doing this, or the six would know their Elements were a sham. So she made the convenient excuse that she had a “meeting” to get to (she’s a freakin’ supposed god. Who would fault her on her tardiness?), when in truth, she released him as soon as she left. And placed the passivity spell on Discord too. She must have placed the spells from a pretty far distance as soon as she was out of sight. Far-distanced spell casting. I guess that’s just a thing she can do now too.

As soon as Discord was released (and none the wiser to that passivity reforming spell on him), he immediately went to work. Slowly attempting to convert Fluttershy (with more subtlety than that bitch Celestia ever had, that’s for sure), and corrupting some of her animal friends while he was at it.

Well, maybe not corrupting. He doesn’t really do that (as we’ve seen throughout history). He probably just gave them a love potion that passed immediately across their blood-brain barrier through magic. Giving them a love for swearing and flooding.

Seriously Discord, learn some new tricks. It’s getting old.

Now while I was relying on Spike as my source for Discord’s second return, after telling him that whole hypnosis thing, he thought that I was completely insane, and ended my interview with him right then and there.[647] But whatever, I found myself a deeper, juicier confidante. One who shared a ~~selfish~~ loving and twisted mind like mine, known by the pseudonym, “Deep Carrot”. And he would continue the recollection on from there.[648] But now my hired certified animal translator looks at me and my interview questions like I’m some kind of idiot. Whatever, she knows she won’t get paid if she walks out on me.[649]

After (from what I've been told) spinning houses, paper-eating, and an unfortunate dinner party, everything supposedly came to a head at Sweet Apple Acres. Perhaps this was a deliberate set-up by Celestia to create an allegory to Faust’s Tree of Knowledge? This was to be Fluttershy’s point of destiny, to side with her friends or with Discord. The religious imagery just speaks for itself here. As well as the Celestia-manipulated evidence. Not even speaking at this point, probably shouting.

And in a move that shocked even Celestia, Fluttershy somehow broke free of Celestia’s hypnosis (which was probably Celestia’s own fault, decreasing the spell’s strength because she thought she was weak-willed. Celestia, Fluttershy was the secret dominatrix type, y’know). The surprises just keep coming I guess, ‘cuz Celestia was surprised even more so when Fluttershy actually conceded to Discord.

With this, Discord finally won the bet. Final Round Winner: Discord! Kiss your throne goodbye, Celestia!

But no. No. NO. NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Of course not. I guess I forgot all about that detail I purposely mentioned before. I guess I just got overexcited there in picturing Celestia losing.

Because Celestia, like always, was a saddlesore cheater.

Supposedly, Discord “self-reformed” and submitted to Celestia after seeing the wonders of friendship, which revisionist historians say was Celestia’s plan all along. But I’ve already broken down the bullshit of friendship. Give me a few more years and I’ll break down the bullshit of love too.[650]

No, it was Celestia’s backup plan. The passivity spell that was to activate in her loss, turning Discord good. And nopony even suspected anything over what just happened, leaving Celestia to laugh all the way to the cake shop.

With this final match of the Great Game over for good, Discord, neutered and (for lack of a better term) non-villainified, would serve Celestia as she always wanted. She probably even set him to bow to her and literally say her mantra, “Friendship is Magic”, as a form of further humiliation. But hey, she let Twilight complete the friendship victory lap this time by letting her recite the moral. Further evidence that Celestia truly was preparing to pass the torch to her. Celestia2’s prepped and ready for take off!

But let’s get to closing this up. With this powerful spell on Discord at all times, Celestia ensured that he would never turn against them ever again. Ever. No, I mean it. Never.

Okay, we’re clear! S.S. Celestia2, you are permitted to blast off! To the moon of bullshit and lies![651] For it’s time for one last topic. The ascension and rise of Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Chapter 35: Princess Twilight Sparkle – The Binding Lies

Before we start, can I just say how bullshit Twilight’s ascension was? No, how bullshit everything surrounding Twilight was. Ms. Popular Pants. Ms. I Can Probably Get a Taxi Whenever I Want Pants. Ms. Why Do You Keep Focusing On Her When I’m Everything She’s Got and More? Pants.

What can I say? Twilight’s got a lot of pants.[652] And I’ve got a lot of baggage.[653]

Let’s just wrap this up.[654]

Upon the defeat of Discord (again. The “Discord side” of Discord must’ve been rolling in agony of this second loss to Celestia if it wasn’t for the fact that the “other Discord side” of Discord was forcefully reformed), Celestia purposely left the Elements of Harmony with Twilight to set up the ascension. For with her success with Celestia’s test at the Crystal Empire demonstrating that she could handle failure (as per the official story. The real purpose was probably just to see how many pairs of pants she could wear), it proved that she was ready to be ~~alicornified~~ ~~alicornized~~ ~~alicornificated~~ ascended.

Sigh. Sounds like a dream.

Wait, no, fuck that shit. More hashtags.

#stilloverit

#fuckCelestia

#totallynotcryingintomyicecreamrightnow

#alsoplspickupmoreicecreamLarry

And with the true candidate for alicornification obvious to all, after supposedly reforming the wicked spirit (but glorious leader) Discord, Fluttershy was of course, ascended to alicorn status immediately. Oh wait, she wasn’t. Pro-unicorn bias rears its ugly claws once more.

Let’s look at this though. Why didn’t Flutershy ascend? Not that I’m complaining mind you, the last thing we need is ~~another pony taking a spot as an alicorn away from me~~ another "nice" pegasi ascending.

Obviously when it comes to actions, Fluttershy had just “reformed” Discord, eternal tyrant of history and all-powerful god of chaos. So this would obviously be seen as a feat worthy of ascension by most of the public.

Of course, Celestia knew the real truth behind it all and the fact that Fluttershy didn’t really do jackshit. So that might be a reason.

But mostly, when it came to Celestia’s thinking here,[655] other than that whole unicorn racist favoritism thing (which of course was a big factor as well), it mostly just stemmed from her suspicion of how she broke free from her secret hypnosis.

I already covered the reasons on why that failed, but the last thing Celestia was, was logical. After that first misstep in controlling Fluttershy, she felt she could no longer trust her (at least to the extent that she had with Twilight, for Fluttershy was still a wielder of one of the Elements after all), and doubted her own abilities to keep her under control. Which, given her status as notable doormat, still must have surprised Celestia greatly, character development be damned.

And then of course, there’s also the fact that Fluttershy was never even set up to become an alicorn princess in the first place. So there’s that.

With this in mind, it would make sense for Celestia to ascend a princess who she knew would always be loyal to her, even without the hypnosis. All thanks to Celestia’s grooming of Twilight as her faithful student.

Now I know why Fluttershy couldn’t ascend, but if Twilight ascended, why not the other four? You know, the lovable Applejack, the ever-precocious Pinkie Pie, and the last two losers. They weren’t rewarded for any of their troubles. Why is this? Well, other than the fact that ascending the rest of the six except Fluttershy would stick out like a sore thumb,[656] their lack of acknowledgement by the princess (at least to the extent of Celestia’s clear Twilight-bias) fits in with my hypothesis perfectly. That everything behind Twilight’s history and future ascension was all to fill Celestia’s foul agenda.

For as covered before, the ascension of Twilight Sparkle was nothing more than a decades-old plan finally coming into proper fruition. Twilight’s new alicorn status would forever open new doors for the future and beyond, and prompt a possible new change for all of Equestria. Celestia’s master-most masterplan came to fruition, and she could now retire anytime she wanted (hopefully choosing to retire in the sun and burn herself alive. That would really be for the best.) Of course, she did no such thing, and continued to rule probably for the shits and giggles, or at least until she gets bored and passes the duty onto Twilight.

But let’s keep looking at this. Because literally anypony would be better to ascend than that foo’, Twilight. What, I’m not jealous of her or anything. I don’t have a seething hatred for her after she stole my rightful position as Celestia’s star pupil and heir.

It’s not even Twilight herself (she practically had no free will of her own once Celestia set her eyes on her, so I can’t blame her for everything), she’s okay I guess.[657] I just hate her for what she has.

What she does.

What she is.

What…

What the heck you looking at me for? I told you I’m over it.

No, fuck this, I’m done.

Fuck you and fuck this fucking couch! I don’t have to take this!

I DON’T HAVE TO

TAKE THIS!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a good hard cry, a good long look at myself in the mirror, and a good talk with Larry, I think I’m feeling better now. And I feel like I should apologize. I’m sorry, couch. You didn’t deserve that.

But seriously, let’s get on with this. Probably because it’s good catharsis.

Let it all out, Loose Change. Let it all out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Okay.

While there were other possible candidates besides the mane six, Celestia of course could not simply give the throne to these “deserving” members next in line.

Luna? That idiot doppelganger?

Cadence? The even blander clone made of dough?

Her royal extended family? I think they’re a worse choice than the clones.

No, Twilight was the only possible option, as she was the only one who was not only actually intelligent, but the only one who actually had a soul.

Let’s keep analyzing this, moving on to some ponies who actually had some leadership experience.

Celestia probably could’ve called the real Luna back from the moon or something, but I think the real Luna would’ve be more mad than grateful.

And as much as I would love to experience a rule under Discord, Celestia would never go for it (even though he was effectively neutered).

Sombra? Kinda dead.[658]

Chrysalis? That’s a big no. I think her cannibalistic ways would catch up to her eventually. And besides, she already has her own kingdom now.

Princess Erroria? Wha-? Who the heck even is that? Where the hay did you even get that name from?

Milky Way? Now you’re just fucking with me.

So that’s that. Twilight was literally the last possible choice to be the next ruler of Equestria. When I think of it like that, I feel better about myself. Thanks Larry.[659]

With all that out of the way, let’s look into the details that prompted Twilight’s ultimate ascension. Just let me bust out this source o’ mine,[660] and…

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

UGHHHHHHHHH.

Jeez Celestia, you really can’t come up with any good reasons for ascension, huh? I mean, I know your own explanations behind ascending were full of shit, but that doesn’t mean the other alicorns’ have to be too. You could at least try to put some effort into it.

‘Cuz just like with Cadence, this utter excuse of an explanation for ascension was (contrary to what I just put) utterly inexcusable.

I mean seriously, Twilight ascending because she solved a problem she caused? Mixing up your friends’ cutie marks, oh no! And you weren’t even subtle about it. No warning or anything. Just accidentally activate this life-changing spell from this book, fix it, and then you’re a princess! The solution isn’t even that hard or anything, just look at some stock photo of your friends if you’re ever in trouble, and I’ll flash the answer to you in your head.

What the frick, Celestia. I know you couldn’t ascend Fluttershy, but compared to this, Fluttershy’s work is like the Second Coming of Smooze. At least put a little effort to try to match her feats.

Maybe make another deal with a villain or two? Anything?

Whatever. So they sang songs, they fixed shit. They probably had a goshdang golly of an ol’ time.

And with the solving of the spell, Twilight ascended into alicorn status. Ho hum.

I feel as though there’s not much more to say about the whole thing.

She had a ceremony, wore a pretty little princess dress, had ponies from everywhere and all her loved ones gather from far and wide to attend her coronation, and they sang one more joyous song. But you know what? I don’t even care.

I finally see what I’ve been missing all along. As long as I’ve got Larry, this couch, and a good stock of Doritos, I’m good.

Let’s wrap this up as neatly as we can.

Regarding Twilight, with her ascension, things were pretty much set. And boring for her. Nothing really changed, or at least, nothing that immediately comes to mind. Celestia completed her plan, years in the making, but she didn’t exactly intend to do anything with it at the moment. So Twilight would just have to wait and get busy preening her new pair of wings and deal with all the rest of the anatomical troubles that come with it.[661] At moments like these, I’m glad I’m an earth pony.

So yeah. Twilight’s a princess now. Whoopdy shit. Conclusion time!

Chapter 36: Conclusion - The Future and Beyond

It’s been quite the adventure, hasn’t it? Covering the entirety of Equestria’s history, picking the truth from the lies like a Timberwolf picks its teeth after a good meal.[662] It feels like we’re at the end of a great journey now, but I’m content that we have covered it all. We have literally revealed all there was to reveal of Celestia’s lies and deceit.[663] The conspiracies are out there now for all to see (or all to read, I suppose). Even more so now, as along with its submission to my professor at the University of Canterlot, I have sent this essay to all corners of Equestria, as well as to every significant figure in history.

From the graves of the Caballeros, to the ghost critics of Equinus, to Discord’s residence itself.[664]

From wherever the dust of Sombra’s corpse[665] may fly, to the grave of Thunderhide, to a one-way express trip to the inside of the moon, to the Changeling Kingdom.

To the Crystal Empire, to the six in Ponyville, and to Celestia in Canterlot.

And to Luna too I suppose. But whatever, she’s just a doppelganger. It’s okay to forget about her.

I promised my essay would reveal it all. And it has. Once the truth gets out to the public, the world will be enlightened and be bettered for it. If this should happen to cause a nation-wide revolution, with past villains coming out of the woodwork and citizens everywhere revolting in the light of my impeccable logic and theories, well, that’s no concern of mine.

Because I promised to reveal all of Equestria’s history to you. And I have.

For with Twilight’s ascension into alicorn status, I can end here knowing that there is nothing in the future that would be significant to Equestrian history again. Ever.

Or at least, there won’t be an event that can’t be explained by this essay. There are no contradictions whatsoever. NONE.

In the unlikely event that something does come to fruition, please look at this chart.

Unexplainable Event? → Celestia’s behind it all.

For example, magical weeds come and the Elements have to be sacrificed into some fruity tree to save Equestria from total destruction?

All a ploy for Celestia to root their evil back into our lands, killing us slowly like a spreading cancer. A Second Polonium Age if you would. Or more like the millionth by now. Wouldn’t be too out of place; she’s done it before and she clearly has the capabilities to do it again.

And if Crunch the Rockdog is freed from Tartarus, and somehow returns to absorb all pony magic from Equestria and generally just wreck shit? Well, Celestia probably would just make a secret agreement with ol’ Captain Crunch (they’re probably friends), just like with Nightmare Moon and Queen Chrysalis, for him to pretend to be defeated with the magic of friendship by the mane six and RAINBOW POWER™, when in actuality, the spreading rainbow across the lands that came from his defeat would simply further spread the rainbow of darkness across the land and envelop us in its evil.

Of course, this is just conjecture. Even I can recognize a ridiculous premise when I see it. But take solace in knowing that while you may not see me for a while, Celestia rules your hearts and minds, and continues to plunge the world into eternal darkness under her oppressive hoof.

Well, perhaps solace isn’t the right word. Fear? That’ll do.

So then you may ask,[666] “Loose Change, once Celestia’s evil plots come to fruition, what are you going to do? After all, all of your theories have been completely and trustworthily accurate, so your intelligence must have surely allowed you to make predictions of the future, you sexy sexy mare!” And to that I thank you.

Well, I’m counting on the success of this essay. Everypony will be sure to see the truth with this. And if they’re not enlightened after reading it and choose to ignore all my words, well, then they deserve to live under Celestia’s subservience forever.

As for Larry and I,[667] I suppose I could seek diplomatic immunity in the Griffon Kingdom. They do possess great love for me and my works, such as, “Griffons: Just Why? Why Do They Cling to Life So?” I’m already hearing a tizzy of reviews and good talk going on over there, or some kind of talk at least. You know what they say, no press is bad press. But on the other hand, compared to living the rest of my days with those filthy griffon scum, maybe I’ll just stick it out here, for better or for worse.

For I’ll always have Crazy Larry by my side. We’ll be yelling obscenities at strangers on the street for all the days to come. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Also, I’m not too afraid, for I know that LordSmoozeWillComeAndSwallowAllOfCelestia’sEvilsInHisJawsAnd-AllLoyalPoniesWillForeverLiveOnInHisSingularityOfPurpleTang, say what? Hopefully I ~~said~~ wrote it quickly enough so none of you peons will hear the true secret. This paradise is for Larry and I alone, got that?

So, for now at least, I’ll just keep living life in the moment. While it may be a while until we see each other again, fear not; this is not the last you’ve seen of me. For we will meet each other again. After all, I’m already planning my sequel, Equestria: Future Predictions Unleashed!

Of course, such an academic work is contingent on how I do on this current essay. But given that it’s my magnum opus, and the fact that I’ve been sweet-talking my professor who’s marking this essay throughout the work, I’d say my chances are pretty good. I’ve heard him say under his breath upon giving it to him that I’ve got like, a one in a million chance of getting one hundred percent. What, that’s like a million to one odds in my favor, right?[668]

And so we reach the end. I’d like to thank me, me, and the Frito-Lay Corporation for all of their help in writing this essay. And Crazy Larry too! He provided good sources and good support to me throughout this essay (but he provided even more in bed). And he helped me come up with those cool chapter names too!

But enough Ands. It’s time for goodbyes.

Until next time.

If there’s something strange, in your history books, who you gonna call?

Somebody else. At least for now. I’ve got some major wedding plans I’ve got to attend to.

Smell ya twerps later.[669]

Bibliography

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Chapter 2

Brave, StrongSoul the, ed. The Bison: A Millennia of Spoken History. Vol. 2. Misty Plains: Buffalo, 2008. Print.

Sweetie Belle, A School Filly. 19 Mar. 2013.

Clever, Clover the. My Life in a Few Words. 5th ed. Vol. 10. Canterlot: Canterlot, 1804. Print. The Pre-Equestrian Collection.

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Honey Bunches of Oats. N.d. Back of Cereal Box.

Chapter 3

Unsourced

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Sombra, King. A Small Horse's Guide to Basic Spanish. 1st ed. Vol. 1. Crystal Empire: Royal, 947. Print.

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A Paid Sponsorship by the Hot Topic Retail Chain.

"Speculation/Luna Eclipsed." Public Forum and Discussion. 8 Dec. 2011.

Chapter 4

Monacle, Shining. Obscure Unicorn History: 350-389. 4th ed. Vol. 2. Canterlot: Canterlot University, 1953. Print.

The Pony Formally Known as Pitbull. Back In Time. Rec. 2011. MK, 2012. Vinyl.

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Chapter 5

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Transcription of the Passing of Article 48, Equinus Parliament. (379) (enacted).

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Chapter 6

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Chapter 7

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Equinus Records - 388-389. Vol. 38. Trottingham, 389.

My math skillz.

Pages, Sticky. How the Sea-Pony Wished Upon a Star and Unknowingly Started Racial Prosecution Under An Emergent Fascist Regime: A Collection of Filly’s Tales and Legends That Start Off Whimsical But End in Destruction and Death; Longest Most Rambling Title for a Filly’s Book Award Winning Edition. Vanhoover: Silly Filly P, 2005.

Chapter 8

Worm, Book, comp. A Collection of Primary Sources Under the Discord Era. Trottingham: Trottingham P Inc., 2001.

Worm, Book, comp. A Collection of Primary Sources Under the Discord Era.

Worm, Book, comp. A Collection of Primary Sources Under the Discord Era.

Foot, Lucky. On Draconequus' Wings - Discord Re-examined.

Foot, Lucky. On Draconequus' Wings - Discord Re-examined.

Worm, Book, comp. A Collection of Primary Sources Under the Discord Era.

Chapter 9

“Celestia's Hot Minute: A Gracious Appointment with Her Majesty." Interview by Hot Topic. 17 May 2013.

Chapter 10

mathz. Again.

Dodino, Spaghetti. That’s A-Pony – 50 Recipes for Pizza Pies. Canterlot: Yummy Yummy in my Tummy Tummy Books, 1987. Print.

Cheerilee. Math You Can’t Ignore: For the Ponies Who Flunked Grade School. Ponyville: Twilight’s Unofficial Printing Press 3000, 2012. Print.

Le Grande, Gustave. Baking as Easy as 1-2-3. Talonzania: Yummy Yummy in My Abdominal Region Abdominal Region Books, 2003. Print.

Chapter 11

Dial, Sun. Our Golden Age: Celestia and the Classical Era. 1st ed. Canterlot: Canterlot P Inc., 1954.

Chapter 12

Superpony Returns. Dir. Underwhelming Film. Perf. Handin' Hoof. Legendary, 2006. Film.

Neckbearded, Fedora the, comp. The Life and Times of a Forgotten Wizard - Starswirl: The Collected Journals.

Change, Loose. An Abhorrent Offense: Princess Luna and the Invasion of Privacy. Rep. Canterlot: Canterlot University, 2010. Print.

Skies, Sunny. Equestria’s Finest Hour: The Impact of the Classical Era. Canterlot: Canterlot P Inc., 1981.

Change, Loose. Fuck You. Canterlot: Suckit Inc., 2013.

Chapter 13

Skies, Sunny. History in Our Hooves: Viewing the Classical Era Today. Canterlot: Canterlot P Inc., 2011.

Skies, Sunny. History in Our Hooves: Reviewing the Classical Era Today. Canterlot: Canterlot P Inc., 2012.

From Crazy Larry.

Horsewell. 1948: A Novel. Manehattan: Penguin Books, 1994. Print.

Skies, Sunny. Equestria From the Ground Up: The Three Point Plan and its Consequences. Canterlot: Canterlot P Inc., 1999.

Bloomberry. In My Time: The Best I’ve Ever Seen. 4th ed. Manehattan: Manehattan P Inc., 1965.

Hour, Finest. A History of the Mud-Living Ponies. 3rd ed. Vol. 4. Canterlot: Canterlot P Inc., 1958.

Play, Literary. A-Fun with A-Unneeded Alliteration. Vanhoover., 1997.

Words, Unmudded, comp. Equestrian 520 Mortality Rates. Rep. Ed. Sunbutt. Canterlot: n.p., 521. Print.

Pincher, Penny. The Horse Before the Cart: The Equestrian Recovery and Growth of Infrastructure. Manehattan: Manehattan P Inc., 1800.

Skies, Sunny. The Classical Era is Literally All I Know – This Is What I Get for Forgetting to Pick My Major. Canterlot: Canterlot P Inc., 2013.

Just Larry.

Chapter 14

Maple, Beaver. Never Say Never 2.0: The Faust Story. Tronto: Penguin Press Not to Be Confused with Penguin Books, We Hate Those Guys Inc., 1996.

Crust, Upper. On the Unicorn Aristocracy and Other Social Issues. Canterlot: Canterlot P Inc., 2011.

Dial, Sun.

Speedster Sr., Winginton. The Forgotten Seeds of Rebellion: The Neo-Classical Order. Cloudsdale: Cloudsdale P., 1946.

Jazz, Scat. A Digest History of Equestrian Outhouses. Manehattan: Penguin Press Can Go Buck A Mule, Yes We Made A Separate Subsidiary of Our Company Just to Spite You Books., 1997.

Speedster Sr., Winginton. The Forgotten Seeds of Rebellion: The Neo-Classical Order.

Speedster Sr., Winginton. The Forgotten Seeds of Rebellion: The Neo-Classical Order.

Dodino, Dr. Spaghetti. What are Fingers? Anthro Puberty and You. Canterlot: Oh My~ Books Org, 1989. Print.

Skies, Sunny. NOTE!! I forgot which one the quote came from, just pick any one of her books to cite, the prof probably won’t even bother checking the bibliography

Symewise, Critical. The Plussmart Dictionary: “Notwhite” and Other Useful Words. 1564th ed. Trans. From Oldspeak. Canterlot: For the Glory of Big Sister Press., 2013.

teeheehee

Change, Loose. Fuck You. 2nd ed. Canterlot: Suckit Inc., 2013.

Chapter 15

Hard, Rock. From Latticed Beginnings: What We Know of Our History. Crystal Empire: Gemstone Books, Crystal Books. Print.

Bond, Covalent. The Isolation Question: A Crystalized Debate. Crystal Empire: Last Crystal Pun I Swear Press, 932. Print.

Crystal Empire Does What Equestrdon’t. Crystal Empire: Message From the Empire, 948. Propaganda. Print.

Pony #61, Crystal. Sombra: The King, the Pony, the Legend – A Ghost Written Autobiography of His Majesty’s Early Life. Crystal Empire: Royal, 941. Print.

Pony #61, Crystal. Sombra: The King, the Pony, the Legend – A Ghost Written Autobiography of His Majesty’s Early Life.

Pony #61, Crystal. Sombra: The King, the Pony, the Legend – A Ghost Written Autobiography of His Majesty’s Early Life.

A Record of the Royal Crystal Empire Transcripts – 948-49. Crystal Empire, 949.

Rider, Jousting. Understanding Medieval Equestria. Canterlot: Canterlot University, 951. Print.

Pony #61, Crystal. The Crimes of Sombra the Mad: A Witness’s Firsthand Account to Terror 949-950. Crystal Empire: Royal, 951. Print.

Sombra, King & transcribed by Crystal Pony #43. CRYSTALSS. 1st ed. Vol. 1. Crystal Empire: Royal, 750. Print.

Billy Foal. For the Longest Time. Rec. 1983. MK, 1984. Vinyl.

Pony #61, Crystal. The Crimes of Sombra the Mad: A Witness’s Firsthand Account to Terror 949-950.

Pony #61, Crystal. The Crimes of Sombra the Mad: A Witness’s Firsthand Account to Terror 949-950.

Chapter 16

Play, Literary. Redundant Things are Redundant and Other Truths. Vanhoover. 2002.

Shine, Ski, comp. An Indispensable Anthology of the Classical Era’s Governmental Decrees. 1st ed. Vol. 3. Manehattan: Equestrian Society for the Learned Pony, 961. Print.

Fruit, Juicy. The Lost Empire: The Crystal War and What We Know Now. Canterlot: Canterlot. 2012.

Taste, Moving. The Crystal Conflict – Forgotten by History, Retold Now. Canterlot: Canterlot. 2013.

Sombra, King. The Art of Horticulture: The Beauty of the Magnoliophyta. Crystal Empire: Royal, 947. Print.

Cheerilee. Math You Can’t Ignore: For the Ponies Who Flunked Grade School. Chapter 12: Dividing by Zero. Ponyville: Twilight’s Unofficial Printing Press 3000, 2012.

Dasher, Lightning. A Spectator of History: A Colt’s View of the Crystal War. Canterlot: Veteran’s Press, 954. Print. [subject to governmental ban, officially released to public 2012]

Sombra, King. The Art of Horticulture: The Beauty of the Magnoliophyta.

Taste, Moving. The Crystal Conflict – Forgotten by History, Retold Now.

Dasher, Lightning. A Spectator of History: A Colt’s View of the Crystal War.

Lost in Translation. Dir. Sophia Coltola. Focus Features, 2003. Film.

Anonymous. Trans. of Princess Celestia & Luna v. King Sombra, Crystal Empire, Crystal Castle. Crystal Empire: n.p., 952. 10. Print. [under overwhelming circumstances, released to public 2012]

Sombra, King. The Art of Horticulture: The Beauty of the Magnoliophyta.

Will, Iron. "‘No Means No’ & Other Phrases to Make Your Enemies Cower in Fear." WRESTLING CATCHPHRASE SEMINAR AND MONSTER-CART RALLY!! Dodge Junction. 14 Apr. 2012. Lecture.

My loving mother, Loose Skirt.

Fruit, Juicy. The Lost Empire: The Crystal War and What We Know Now.

Fruit, Juicy. The Lost Empire: The Crystal War and What We Know Now.

Shine, Ski, comp. An Indispensable Anthology of the Classical Era’s Governmental Decrees.

See compiler’s note on p. 352, “…[it] was one of Celestia’s most well-received speeches…complemented [by] the loving cheers of its listeners”. Shine, Ski.

Chapter 17

Grey, Murky. Clash of the Princesses: Conflict of the Moon and Sun. 1st ed. Canterlot: Trottingway Press, 1680. Print.

The Hero Equestria Deserves. Victory in the Glory of Her Majesty! Canterlot: Sponsored by the Equestrian Government, 953. Propaganda. Print.

Pantheon, Bronze. Through the Arctic Cold: The Crystal Campaign 951-952. 2nd ed. Vol. 2. Cloudsdale: Silver Lining Inc., 984. Print.

Muzzle, Deep, comp. Off the Record: A Collection of the Releases of Equestrian Declassified Reports. 1st ed. Canterlot: Canterlot, 2011. Print.

Squealer, Filly. A Mare in Celestia’s Court: My Experiences with the Princess. 1st ed. Canterlot: Big Life Books, 979. Print.

Trans. of “Luna's Hot Minute: Memories of the Starry Night." Interview by Hot Topic. 27 June 2013.

Trans. of “Luna's Hot Minute: Memories of the Starry Night."

Grey, Murky. Clash of the Princesses: Conflict of the Moon and Sun.

“An Aside with the Princess; On Politics, On War, On the Future.” Interview by Filly’s Free Press. 19 January 1011.

Ponyville’s 32nd Annual Flea Market, Town Square, Apr. 4-6.

Light, Night. A Portrait of a Forgotten Princess: Luna and Her Fall. 1st ed. Canterlot: The Prance Leg Historians’ Society, 1146. Print.

Light, Night. A Portrait of a Forgotten Princess: Luna and Her Fall.

Change, Loose. An Abhorrent Offense: Princess Luna and the Invasion of Privacy.

Apollo, Justice. Trans. of the Ponies of Equestria v. Luna, Canterlot, Royal Supreme Court of Equestria. 16 June 998. Print.

Light, Night. A Portrait of a Forgotten Princess: Luna and Her Fall.

Quibbler, Inked. "The Trial of the Century: Day 3 - Luna's in the Wrong and Celestia's Right. What Else Is New?" The Canterlot Phoenix 18 June 998: n. pag. Print.

Apollo, Justice. Trans. of the Ponies of Equestria v. Luna, Canterlot, Royal Supreme Court of Equestria.

Trans. of “Luna's Hot Minute: Memories of the Starry Night."

The Universal Right to Privacy Regarding Dreams and Other Apparitions of the Mind, Equestrian Parliament, passed under Celestia. Clause 23A, ii. (998) (enacted).

Buy it now for 35 bits! Hardcover edition for 45! What a steal!

Chapter 18

Side Note: I know to use ≤ because the crocodile eats the bigger value.[39]

Redheart, Nurse. Treating Burn Wounds. Ponyville: Asclepius’ Hardened Rod Press, 2002. Print.

Sweetie Belle, A Very Wary and Annoyed School Filly. 29, Apr. 2013.

Intelligence Quotient Tests of Change, Loose; 03/03/12. 05 Apr. 2012. Raw data. Screwed In MD: Mental and Reactivity Labs, Canterlot.

Lion, Ponce De. Treading on Blood Stained Grounds: The Final Years of the Third Griffon Civil War. 1st ed. Vol. 1. Talonzania: Talonzanian National for the Make Betterment Glorious Knowledge, 1917. Print.

Nero. Flickering Flames: A Witness to the Third Griffon War. 2nd ed. Vol. 1. N.p.: Make Good for Smart Praise Magnificent Books, 1919. Print.

(me).

Nighter, All. Citizen's Poll 49677. Rep. Vol. 89. Canterlot: National Equestria Collection of Records and Surveys, 997. Print.

Shouter, Colt. A Stallion in Celestia’s Meetings: My Experiences with the Princess. 1st ed. Canterlot: Big Life Books, 980. Print.

Volume 2.

Pages, Sticky. How the Sea-Pony Wished Upon a Star and Unknowingly Started Racial Prosecution Under An Emergent Fascist Regime: A Collection of Filly’s Tales and Legends That Start Off Whimsical But End in Destruction and Death; Longest Most Rambling Title for a Filly’s Book Award Winning Edition.

Chapter 19

Biscuit, Smart, and Pile O' Rocks. Earth Ponies: An Anatomical and Encephalic Study. Rep. no. 379. 3rd ed. Vol. 17. Trottingham: Trottingham Sci., 1987. Print. The Study of Ponies.

Dodino, Dr. Spaghetti. What are Fingers? Anthro Puberty and You.

Rabbit, Jade. Eternal Night: Discussing the Lunar Age. 1st ed. Vol. 1. Canterlot: Canterlot, 1847. Print.

Luna, Princess. "Re: cUt mY liFe iNtO pIeCEs ☹ X☼X ☽ ☾." Livejournal. N.p., 3 Aug. 1002. 5 May 2013.

Rabbit, Jade. Eternal Night: Discussing the Lunar Age.

Rabbit, Jade. Eternal Night: Discussing the Lunar Age.

Drum, War. Ponies Start Wars, Militaries Win Them: The Forces of Equestria Reconsidered. 1st ed. Vol. 2. Cloudsdale: Ratatat, 1999. Print.

Rabbit, Jade. Eternal Night: Discussing the Lunar Age.

Picker, Nit. The Unspoken Revolt: A Forgotten Revolution? 1st ed. Las Pegasus: History's History Printing, 1986. Print.

Picker, Nit. The Unspoken Revolt: A Forgotten Revolution?

Griffon, Edward. The Rise and Fall of the New Lunar Order. 5th ed. Vol. 1. Cloudsdale: Cloudbeater and Wifelauncher, 1899. Print.

Griffon, Edward. The Rise and Fall of the New Lunar Order. 5th ed. Vol. 1.

Griffon, Edward. The Rise and Fall of the New Lunar Order. 5th ed. Vol. 2.

Griffon, Edward. The Rise and Fall of the New Lunar Order. 5th ed. Vol. 2.

Luna, Princess. my totalyy originel poetry pls do not steal. "Re: cUt mY liFe iNtO pIeCEs ☹ X☼X ☽ ☾." Livejournal. N.p., 4 Aug. 1002. 6 May 2013.

Griffon, Edward. The Rise and Fall of the New Lunar Order. 5th ed. Vol. 2.

Picker, Nit. The Unspoken Revolt: A Forgotten Revolution?

Thunderbolt. Thunderhide; Patriot or Rebel? Vanhoover: Equestrian Historical Association, 1954. Print.

Thunderbolt. Thunderhide; Patriot or Rebel?

déjà vu!

Picker, Nit. The Unspoken Revolt: A Forgotten Revolution?

Griffon, Edward. The Rise and Fall of the New Lunar Order. 5th ed. Vol. 1.

Rabbit, Jade. Eternal Night: Discussing the Lunar Age.

Rabbit, Jade. Eternal Night: Discussing the Lunar Age.

Rabbit, Jade. Eternal Night: Discussing the Lunar Age.

Rabbit, Jade. Eternal Night: Discussing the Lunar Age.

Griffon, Edward. The Rise and Fall of the New Lunar Order. 5th ed. Vol. 2.

Griffon, Edward. The Rise and Fall of the New Lunar Order. 5th ed. Vol. 2.

Chapter 20

me.

Talker, Sweet. On Heroism: The Glory of Celestia and the Equestrian Civil War. 1st ed. Canterlot: Canterlot Canters, 1919. Print. [under overwhelming circumstances, released to public 2012]

Cheeks, Full. Nightmare Reimagined: What We Know. Vol. 1. Canterlot: Nyctal, 1967. Print.

Boss, Shield. Igniting the Fuse: Celestia and War. Vol. 1. Canterlot: Spearspony, n.d. Print.

Pony, Nice. Epic War Battles of Equestria! The Battles That Defined the Nation. 2nd ed. Canterlot: BluMac, 1980. Print.

Boss, Shield. Igniting the Fuse: Celestia and War.

Stormcloak. Trials of Shadow and Blood: A Guard's Recollections of the Civil War. Comp. Fast Transcriber. 1st ed. Vol. 1. Canterlot: Canterlot U, 1012. Print.

teeheehee vol. 2. it’s the square of 13

Stroker, Chin. What We Missed: Rethinking the Equestrian Civil War. 1st ed. Vol. 1. Canterlot: History's History Printing, 1989. Print.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History. 1st ed. Vol. 3. Manehattan: Same On and Shoe Shine, 1973. Print. Equestria - A New History Ser.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

"Lunar Divisions Across Equestria, 1009." Map. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History. 1st ed. Vol. 3. Manehattan: Same On and Shoe Shine, 1973. 363. Print. The Equestrian History Ser.

"Lunar Divisions Across Equestria, 1009." Map. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Boss, Shield. Igniting the Fuse: Celestia and War.

Boss, Shield. Igniting the Fuse: Celestia and War.

Star, Morning. Struggle and Triumph: Living in the Times of the Two Sisters. 1st ed. Canterlot: Veteran’s, 1013. Print. [subject to governmental ban, officially released to public 2010, unaltered copy used instead]

Pretention, Mr. Struggle and Triumph: Living in the Times of the Two Sisters.

Tailor, Fresh. The Equestrian Civil War and the Battle Plans and Stratagems That Won It. 1st ed. Vol. 2. Canterlot: Veteran’s, 1945. Print. Equestrian Military Ser.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Boss, Shield. Igniting the Fuse: Celestia and War.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Seinfoal, Jerry. Talking Funny. 1st ed. Fillydelphia: ComedyLaughs, 1990. Print.

Talker, Sweet. On Heroism: The Glory of Celestia and the Equestrian Civil War.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

My loving grandmother, Loose Screw.

“[Celestia]…relied on the earth ponies…”, p. 411. Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Drum, War. Ponies Start Wars, Militaries Win Them: The Forces of Equestria Reconsidered.

My experiences pickpocketing.

Chapter 21

Stitcher, Saddle. Our Greatest Battle: Recounting Canterlot 1010. 1st ed. Canterlot: Stitcher Hist., 1818. Print.

Trans. of “Luna's Hot Minute: Memories of the Starry Night."

Ponyson, Lynn. "The Far Side." The Canterlot Star 12 Nov. 2012: C15. Print.

Drum, War. Ponies Start Wars, Militaries Win Them: The Forces of Equestria Reconsidered.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Tailor, Fresh. The Equestrian Civil War and the Battle Plans and Stratagems That Won It.

Luna, Princess. NOBODY UNDERSTENDS MEEEEE 06/14/10. "Re: cUt mY liFe iNtO pIeCEs ☹ X☼X ☽ ☾." Livejournal. N.p., 14 Jun. 1010. 6 May 2013.

Tailor, Fresh. The Equestrian Civil War and the Battle Plans and Stratagems That Won It.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Stitcher, Saddle. Our Greatest Battle: Recounting Canterlot 1010.

Stitcher, Saddle. Our Greatest Battle: Recounting Canterlot 1010.

Stitcher, Saddle. Our Greatest Battle: Recounting Canterlot 1010.

Star, Morning. Struggle and Triumph: Living in the Times of the Two Sisters.

Seasons, Golden. Remembering. 1st ed. Fillydelphia: Quartz, 1039. Print.

Seasons, Golden. Remembering.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Cheeks, Full. Nightmare Reimagined: What We Know.

Drum, War. Ponies Start Wars, Militaries Win Them: The Forces of Equestria Reconsidered.

Pony, Nice. Epic War Battles of Equestria! The Battles That Defined the Nation.

Pony, Nice. Epic War Battles of Equestria! The Battles That Defined the Nation.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Chapter 22

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

"Lunar Divisions Across Equestria, 1010." Map. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Respark, Track. On the Western Front: The Pegasi and the Civil War. Las Pegasus: Gliders, 1801. Print.

Donütz, Steeled. Memoirs: Seven Years and Twenty Days. In the Nightmare. Bridlelington: Equestria Pub., 1959. Print.

Rabbit, Jade. Luna: Last Days of the Eternal Night. 1st ed. Vol. 1. Canterlot: Canterlot, 1851. Print.

Pony, Nice. Epic War Battles of Equestria! The Battles That Defined the Nation.

Tailor, Fresh. The Equestrian Civil War and the Battle Plans and Stratagems That Won It.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Drum, War. Ponies Start Wars, Militaries Win Them: The Forces of Equestria Reconsidered.

Threads, Spinning. The Last Stand: Behind the Everfree Fields. 1st ed. Canterlot: Stitcher Hist., 1879. Print.

Threads, Spinning. The Last Stand: Behind the Everfree Fields.

Threads, Spinning. The Last Stand: Behind the Everfree Fields.

Threads, Spinning. The Last Stand: Behind the Everfree Fields.

Threads, Spinning. The Last Stand: Behind the Everfree Fields.

my own visits.

Drum, War. Ponies Start Wars, Militaries Win Them: The Forces of Equestria Reconsidered.

Tailor, Fresh. The Equestrian Civil War and the Battle Plans and Stratagems That Won It.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Respark, Track. On the Western Front: The Pegasi and the Civil War. Las Pegasus: Gliders, 1801. Print.

Pony, Nice. Epic War Battles of Equestria! The Battles That Defined the Nation.

Drum, War. Ponies Start Wars, Militaries Win Them: The Forces of Equestria Reconsidered.

Threads, Spinning. The Last Stand: Behind the Everfree Fields.

Stars, Shimmering. From Sisterhood to War: The Celestial-Lunar Split. Canterlot: Equestria Pub., 1509. Print.

Stars, Shimmering. From Sisterhood to War: The Celestial-Lunar Split.

Stars, Shimmering. From Sisterhood to War: The Celestial-Lunar Split.

“Celestia's Hot Minute: A Gracious Appointment with Her Majesty."

Stars, Shimmering. From Sisterhood to War: The Celestial-Lunar Split.

sex.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

take that you pigs. get a warrant.

Stars, Shimmering. From Sisterhood to War: The Celestial-Lunar Split.

Pony #61, Crystal. The Crimes of Sombra the Mad: A Witness’s Firsthand Account to Terror 949-950.

Stars, Shimmering. From Sisterhood to War: The Celestial-Lunar Split.

Stars, Shimmering. From Sisterhood to War: The Celestial-Lunar Split.

Stars, Shimmering. From Sisterhood to War: The Celestial-Lunar Split.

Chapter 23

Thunderbolt. Thunderhide; Patriot or Rebel?

Respark, Track. On the Western Front: The Pegasi and the Civil War.

Thunderbolt. Thunderhide; Patriot or Rebel?

Thunderbolt. Thunderhide; Patriot or Rebel?

Pony, Nice. Epic War Battles of Equestria! The Battles That Defined the Nation.

Ford, Red. How the West Was Won – The Western Front 1008-1010. Cloudsdale: Sliders, 1962. Print.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Finch, Sparrow. The Fillydelphia Judgments. Fillydelphia: Gavel Books, 1110. Print.

Finch, Sparrow. The Fillydelphia Judgments.

Robin, Atticus. Reassessing the Fillydelphia Military Tribunals: Transitional Justice, Trial Narratives, and Historiography. Fillydelphia: Cornerstone, 1800. Print.

Move, Mirror. Reviewing the Reassessments of the Fillydelphia Military Tribunals. Canterlot: Fearow, 1111. Print.

Prose, Flourish. I’m a Poet. Don’t You Know It? Canterlot: Timey Wimey Books, 1798. Print.

Change, Loose. The Loose Change Dictionary. 1st ed. Canterlot: Canterlot University, 2013. Print.

Thunderbolt. Thunderhide; Patriot or Rebel?

Thunderbolt. Thunderhide; Patriot or Rebel?

okay, I did my part, now where’s my money you corporate whores?

Fire, Sun. The Revival of the Wings: The Rise of Neo-Pegasi Nationalism in a Post-War World. 1st ed. Vanhoover: Feather, 1818. Print.

Finch, Sparrow. The Fillydelphia Judgments.

Thunderbolt. Thunderhide; Patriot or Rebel?

Thunderbolt. Thunderhide; Patriot or Rebel?

Fire, Sun. The Revival of the Wings: The Rise of Neo-Pegasi Nationalism in a Post-War World.

Fire, Sun. The Revival of the Wings: The Rise of Neo-Pegasi Nationalism in a Post-War World.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestrian Civil War: A Complete History.

Celestia’sbehinditall.

Change, Loose. Suck it up, Puss. Canterlot: Canterlot University, 2013. Print.

Nibitz, Sir. Voice of the Unseen – Private Recollections of a Private Advisor. Canterlot: Canterlot, 1080. Print.

Another unicorn racist I presume.

Quill, Flowing. To the End: A Changing Equestria in a Changing World. Canterlot: Canterlot, 1042. Print.

Not cited, Chapter 3; "Hey stallions, if you want a good time…”

Chapter 24

Disco, Funky. How Celestia Lost Her Groove, But Got it Back. Las Pegasus: Duck!, 1975. Print.

Drum, War. Ponies Start Wars, Militaries Win Them: The Forces of Equestria Reconsidered.

Shaker, Mover. The Great Transformation: Analyzing Equestrian Military Reform. Cloudsdale: Gliders, 1305. Print.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestria: A New Complete History. 2nd ed. Vol. 4. Manehattan: Same On and Shoe Shine, 1980. Print. Equestria - A New Complete History Ser.

Crop, Creamy. On Wonderbolts – 1011 - 2004. 7th ed. Cloudsdale: Wonderbolts P., 2012. Print.

Shaker, Mover. The Great Transformation: Analyzing Equestrian Military Reform.

Shaker, Mover. The Great Transformation: Analyzing Equestrian Military Reform.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestria: A New Complete History.

Crop, Creamy. On Wonderbolts – 1011 - 2004.

Bluto’s frat parties which I’m not “officially” invited to, but that doesn’t stop me from sneaking into his place and stealing his beer.

Fire, Sun. The Revival of the Wings: The Rise of Neo-Pegasi Nationalism in a Post-War World.

Fire, Sun. The Revival of the Wings: The Rise of Neo-Pegasi Nationalism in a Post-War World.

Star, Shooting. The Absent Princess; An Era Under Sabbatical. Manehattan: Same On and Shoe Shine, 1798. Print.

Star, Shooting. The Absent Princess; An Era Under Sabbatical.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestria: A New Complete History.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestria: A New Complete History.

Change, Loose. Totally True Records: Don’t Bother Checking. Canterlot: Canterlot University, 2013. Print.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestria: A New Complete History.

Bits, Juicy. A Proposal on the Equestrian Economic Need for Change. Canterlot: Canterlot P Inc., 1815.

Change, Loose. A Proposal to Not Waste My Goddamn Time. Canterlot: Canterlot University, 2013. Print.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestria: A New Complete History.

What was I implying here again? Was it sex? I don’t even know.

Lion, Pounce De. From Non-Intervention to Détente: A History of Griffo-Equestrian Relations. Canterlot: Canterlot University, 2004. Print.

Lion, Pounce De. From Non-Intervention to Détente: A History of Griffo-Equestrian Relations.

Lion, Pounce De. From Non-Intervention to Détente: A History of Griffo-Equestrian Relations.

Lion, Pounce De. A History of Griffons. Vol. 37. Talonzania: Talonzania University, 2007. Print.

Lion, Pounce De. A History of Griffons. Vol. 37.

Lion, Pounce De. A History of Griffons. Vol. 37.

Lion, Pounce De. Same Old, Same Old. Another Book on Another Goddamn Griffon War That Nobody Cares About. 1st ed. Vol. 5. Talonzania: I Didn't Even Read the Book lol, I'm Making This Citation Up Inc., 1970. Print. The Griffon Kingdom, Republic, and Empire: 650-1820.

Star, Shooting. The Absent Princess; An Era Under Sabbatical.

My griffon maid Constancia. Who should shut her filthy mouth and be grateful for what she’s been given, lest I have her shipped back to the mudlands where she belongs.

*this source may not be academia nor trusted

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestria: A New Complete History.

Finally a company I’m glad to support. Doesn’t mean I still don’t expect a cheque in the mail.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestria: A New Complete History.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestria: A New Complete History.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestria: A New Complete History.

Poneigher, Hoofry. Equestria: A New Complete History.

Watcher, Cloud. Defining the Millennial Stagnation 1010-2010. Canterlot: Canterlot University, 2012. Print.

Watcher, Cloud. Defining the Millennial Stagnation 1010-2010.

Watcher, Cloud. Defining the Millennial Stagnation 1010-2010.

Star, Shooting. The Absent Princess; An Era Under Sabbatical.

Not cited, Chapter 3; "Hey stallions, if you want a good time…”

Chapter 25

Bucksley, Albus. Brave New World: The Booming Century and its Impacts. Canterlot: Canterlot University, 2002. Print.

Bucksley, Albus. Brave New World: The Booming Century and its Impacts.

Said, Soft. The Birth and Sustenance of Equestrian Imperialism. Canterlot: Canterlot University, 1989. Print.

Said, Soft. The Birth and Sustenance of Equestrian Imperialism.

Said, Soft. The Birth and Sustenance of Equestrian Imperialism.

Speech, Squiggly. A Brief History of Saddle Arabia. Manehattan: Pressing Matters Press, 1987. Print.

Said, Soft. The Birth and Sustenance of Equestrian Imperialism.

Robin, Flying. Fertile Lands and Vital Regions: Erotica for the Landscape Enthusiasts. Fillydelphia: Nothing Wrong with Your Fetish Books, 1989. Print.

Second Stall, Washroom of Captain Kidd’s Ice Cream Buffet.

Said, Soft. The Birth and Sustenance of Equestrian Imperialism.

Layer, Rail. A Brief History of the Equestrian Rail. Ponyville: Ponyville, 2009. Print.

Layer, Rail. A Brief History of the Equestrian Rail.

Skies, Sunny. History in Our Hooves: Viewing the Classical Era Today.

Skies, Sunny. History in Our Hooves: Viewing the Classical Era Today.

Watcher, Cloud. Defining the Millennial Stagnation 1010-2010.

Oppenheimer, Rich. A Brief History of Manehattan. Manehattan: More Brief Books, 1997. Print.

Bucksley, Albus. Brave New World: The Booming Century and its Impacts.

Choo, Chugga. A Brief History of Transport. Manehattan: Tired of These Brief Books Yet?, 2001. Print.

Not cited: The Battle of Canterlot 1010

Layer, Rail. A Brief History of the Equestrian Rail.

Layer, Rail. A Brief History of the Equestrian Rail.

Bucksley, Albus. Brave New World: The Booming Century and its Impacts.

Bucksley, Albus. Brave New World: The Booming Century and its Impacts.

Bucksley, Albus. Brave New World: The Booming Century and its Impacts.

Bucksley, Albus. Brave New World: The Booming Century and its Impacts.

Salad, Bean. Explosive Growth – How Equestria Got Back On its Feet. Canterlot: Rowdy Ruff, 2007. Print.

Salad, Bean. Explosive Growth – How Equestria Got Back On its Feet.

eg. Ponyville.

eg. Appppppppppleloosa! The Musical.

You’re too kind. –Loose Change

The words of the Flim Flam something-or-other.

Berries, Sour. A Filly’s POP-UP Guide to Equestrian Animals.

Chapter 26

“Friends” used in the most distant sense of the word; they haven’t returned any of my application letters yet, probably, y’know, because most of ‘em are dead.

Cheeks, Full. Nightmare Reimagined: What We Know.

Pony, Nice. Epic War Battles of Equestria! The Battles That Defined the Nation.

Scriber, Sun. The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide. 1st ed. Canterlot: Canterlot, 1100. Print.

Cheeks, Full. Nightmare Reimagined: What We Know.

Cheeks, Full. Nightmare Reimagined: What We Know.

Pony, Nice. Epic War Battles of Equestria! The Battles That Defined the Nation.

Please buy, I’ve only sold one copy so far.

Cheeks, Full. Nightmare Reimagined: What We Know.

On Chickens and Leftist Ideologies: The Effect of Kutie Marx on the Egg Laying Habits of Roosters. Author unknown, book probably nonexistent.

Lurker, Shadow. The Lost Evil: Tirek the Mighty. Canterlot: Ow the Edge P, 1030. Print.

Prominently Heavily in Debt, Permanent Head Damage, Particularly Heavy Drinker, the list goes on and on.

fuckgrammar

Cheeks, Full. Nightmare Reimagined: What We Know.

Cheeks, Full. Nightmare Reimagined: What We Know.

Pony, Nice. Epic War Battles of Equestria! The Battles That Defined the Nation.

Pony, Nice. Epic War Battles of Equestria! The Battles That Defined the Nation.

Slices, Cheese. The Summer Sun Celebration: A History that Shaped the Festivities. Manehattan: Gliders, 1976. Print.

Stitcher, Button. Another Great Battle, Not to Be Confused With Our Greatest Battle Though: Recounting Canterlot 1969. 1st ed. Canterlot: Stitcher Hist., 1974. Print.

Stitcher, Button. Another Great Battle, Not to Be Confused With Our Greatest Battle Though: Recounting Canterlot 1969.

Pony, Nice. Epic War Battles of Equestria! The Battles That Defined the Nation.

Marquez, Cutie G. Chronicle of a War Foretold: Analyzing Nightmare Stratagems Throughout the Years. 1st ed. Canterlot: Veteran’s, 1995. Print. Equestrian Military Ser.

Pony, Nice. Epic War Battles of Equestria! The Battles That Defined the Nation.

Stitcher, Button. Another Great Battle, Not to Be Confused With Our Greatest Battle Though: Recounting Canterlot 1969.

Pony, Nice. Epic War Battles of Equestria! The Battles That Defined the Nation.

Taker, Risk. Doomsday Scenario: Equestria’s Preparations for Another War (If It Should Occur). Cloudsdale: Gliders, 1905. Print.

Pony, Nice. Epic War Battles of Equestria! The Battles That Defined the Nation.

Pony, Nice. Epic War Battles of Equestria! The Battles That Defined the Nation.

Eyes, Wide. I Was There - At the Forefront of War. Manehattan: Recalling P, 1980. Print.

Clearly not over it.

Defining Snitches get Bitches: You’ll be needing a ten-pony nursing squad every day for the rest of your life once I’m done with you.

Play, Literary. The Joy of Inserting False Palindromes Without Any Real Literary Value Or Purpose Into Basic Literature. Vanhoover., 2009.

Until now. Caught ya red-hooved. Loose Change style.

Who am I, Starswirl?

Chapter 27

Shouter, Loud. The Secret Art to Throwing Bricks. Aquastria: Snail Co., 2002. Print.

Love, Tough. Oxymorons For Dummies. 2nd ed. Fillydelphia: Hungry Minds, 1999. Print. For Dummies.

Dots, Lined. Making Prodigies Modern: The Rise of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. Canterlot: Canterlot UP, 2001. Print.

Dots, Lined. Making Prodigies Modern: The Rise of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns.

Change, Loose. "Chapter 10: The Elements of Harmony – A Role Spanning History." Equestria: A History Revealed. Canterlot: Canterlot U, 2013. Print.

“Discussing Our Newest Alicorn Princess – An Interview with Celestia" Interview by Icy Frost. 1 March 2013.

Ignore [382].

“Discussing Our Newest Alicorn Princess – An Interview with Celestia”

Change, Loose. "Chapter 14: The Establishment of the Dream – Pillars of Compliance." Equestria: A History Revealed. Canterlot: Canterlot U, 2013. Print.

déjà vu!

Horse, Heigh. The Changing Political Landscape: Equestria’s Evolution. Canterlot: Canterlot U, 2012. Print.

Sagan, Carl. Cosmos: A Personal Voyage. Canterlot: PBS, 1980. Print.

(me).

Foot, Lucky. On Draconequus' Wings - Discord Re-examined.

Stars, Shimmering. From Sisterhood to War: The Celestial-Lunar Split.

According to Canterlot source, Twinkleshine, who Twilight totally blew off after being invited to Moondancer’s party.

“Spike’s Hot Minute: A Minute with an Honorable Dragon." Interview by Hot Topic. 21 June 2013.

“Shining Armor’s Hot Minute: A Minute with the Captain of the Royal Guard." Interview by Hot Topic. 4 April 2013.

On Pony Social Relations and Group Dynamics. Rep. Ponytucket: A Study conducted by Hasbro Inc., 2009. Print.

Aren’t I clever.

“Obituary for Foil Hat: 1963-1999.” Died from lightning strike when he stood upon a lightning rod during a thunderstorm to get a better reception of the theta rays from aliens.

Dodino, Dr. Spaghetti. What are Fingers? Anthro Puberty and You.

According to these stolen records from the Firefly Cloudsdale hospital.

My math skillz.

Change, Loose. "Chapter 6: The First Draconequus – The Origins of Discord." Equestria: A History Revealed. Canterlot: Canterlot U, 2013. Print.

Bloom, Berry. My Small Horse: Rescue at Midnight Castle. 1st ed. Ponytucket: Hasbro, 1984. Print. My Small Horse.

Bloom, Berry. My Small Horse: Rescue at Midnight Castle.

Excelsior, and Pen Kirby. "Power Ponies." Power Ponies Issue #4. Manehattan: Mar-Vell Inc., 1964. Print.

Toity, Hoity. "Ponyville Fashion? More Like a Total Disaster if I’ve Ever Seen One." Rev. of Ponyville February 2011 Fashion Show: Featuring the Designs of Rarity. The Canterlot Star. Print.

Spying.

Rarity, and Sweetie Belle. "November 9, 2011: Rarity's Friendship Letter." Letter to Celestia. 9 Nov. 2011. MS. Ponyville, n.p.

Cheerilee. Math You Can’t Ignore: For the Ponies Who Flunked Grade School.

Dellon, Ink. "Introducing the Green Maretern!" All-Equestrian Comics Issue #16. Manehattan: All-Equestrian Publications, 1940. Print.

Marz, Sheet. "Green Maretern: Emerald Twilight Vol. 3." Green Maretern Issue #50. Manehattan: DC Comics Inc., 1994. Print.

Don’t ask me how it works, comics are just dumb sometimes, I guess.

Skeeter, Pen. "Local Mare Proves to Be Sufficiently Adequate at Her Special Talent in Equestrian Crop Competition." The Ponyville Express. Print.

Castle Mania. Dir. and Perf. Grey Haber. Hasbro, 1983. Film.

It Came From Applewood. Dir. Salt Leo. Perf. Hard Candy. Paramount, 1982. Film.

Cross, Red. In Sickness and in Health: Documenting All Equestrian Pandemics of the Millenium. Canterlot: Good Health, 2007. Print.

Toity, Hoity. "More Like, a Total Smash…ing Success!" Rev. of Bold and Brash: Photo Finish’s 2013 Summer Line. The Canterlot Star. Print.

Cross, Red. Our Equestrian Health Care System Explained. Canterlot: Good Health, 2003. Print.

Does that even exist? I can’t see puzzles as anything other than a mind-numbing chore of boredom

Is it a book? Is it a wheel? Tell history to make up its goddamn mind!

Chapter 28

Chill, Douche. Fighting Fire With Fire – A Burn Specialist’s Guide to Everything. Vol. 1. Las Pegasus: Pyros, 2000. Print.

Chill, Douche. Fighting Fire With Fire – A Burn Specialist’s Guide to Everything. Vol. 2. Las Pegasus: Pyros, 2000. Print.

Winkles, Rock B. You Talkin’ to ME? A Guide to Manehattan Accents. Manehattan: Wossamotta University, 1963. Print.

Rusty, Saddling. Mystery on the Griffonese Express. Trottingham: Collins Crime Club, 1934. Print.

Snider, Solar. The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide. 5th ed. Canterlot: Legends of Friendship and Magic, 1996. Print.

Viewer, Show. "The Mare in the Moon." The Canterlot Star Oct. 2010. Print.

Viewer, Show. "The Mare in the Moon."

Pony, Background. "I Saw Nightmare Moon." The Canterlot Star Oct. 2010. Print.

Even though this event took place in October. But Nightmare Moon wasn’t exactly known for her smarts.

Not anymore though, thanks to that subsequent IQ drop.

The disturbing imagery from that mixed analogy was completely unintentional.

I may have mixed up a few analogies there again.

Dodino, Dr. Spaghetti. What are Fingers? Anthro Puberty and You.

Viewer, Show. "The Mare in the Moon."

“The Hero Behind Luna’s Return: Interviewing Twilight Sparkle." Interview by The Ponyville Express. 17 November 2010.

“That Dragon Friend of the Pony Behind Luna’s Return: Interviewing Spike the Dragon." Interview by The Ponyville Express. 19 November 2010.

I had learned that Celestia responded immediately within seconds after Twilight sent her letter on that day; knowledge gained from my own personal interview/bribe of Spike the Dragon afterwards regarding the incident.

Celestia. "October 2010: A Letter to My Most Faithful Student." Letter to Twilight Sparkle. Oct. 2010. MS. Canterlot, n.p.

Celestia. "October 2010: A Letter to My Most Faithful Student."

“The Hero Behind Luna’s Return: Interviewing Twilight Sparkle."

Viewer, Show. "The Mare in the Moon."

“The Hero Behind Luna’s Return: Interviewing Twilight Sparkle."

“The Strange Events Behind Last Night: Our New Princess and What You Need to Know." Interview by The Ponyville Express. 17 October 2010.

Best, Buddy. Friendship and History – A Necessary Relationship; Friendship and Its Impacts on Equestria. Canterlot: Canterlot University, 2012. Print.

Snider, Solar. The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide.

Strong Brad, Crystal Empire Royal Guard, PO box 78989, in on weekends from 8-5, and should’ve really thought twice before trusting me with this information after refusing to be my very special somepony back in grade school.

“The Hero Behind Luna’s Return: Interviewing Twilight Sparkle."

“The Hero Behind Luna’s Return: Interviewing Twilight Sparkle."

“The Hero Behind Luna’s Return: Interviewing Twilight Sparkle."

Viewer, Show. "The Mare in the Moon."

“Princess Luna: Celestia Explaining the Return of the Royal Sibling." Interview by The Canterlot Star. 22 October 2011.

“Princess Luna: Celestia Explaining the Return of the Royal Sibling."

Dawn, Starry. The Return of Our Lunar Princess: Adapting and Learning to Live in the New World. Canterlot: Starry Bright, 2013. Print.

Dawn, Starry. The Return of Our Lunar Princess: Adapting and Learning to Live in the New World.

Dawn, Starry. The Return of Our Lunar Princess: Adapting and Learning to Live in the New World.

Fan, Solar, comp. A Collection of Twilight’s Friendship Letters 2011-2012. Canterlot: Canterlot University, 2013.

“The Hero Behind Luna’s Return: Interviewing Twilight Sparkle."

Chapter 29

Except for that nose thing. You really do look atrocious.

And your nose. It really draws all attention away from the rest of your body, y’know?

Foot, Lucky. On Draconequus' Wings - Discord Re-examined.

And I literally couldn’t get her to shut her trap until a few hours later.

The Pinkie Pie Transcription of June 28, 2013.

Thank goodness that Pinkie Pie has such a powerful memory; remembering these lines off the top of her head.

The Pinkie Pie Transcription of June 28, 2013.

The Pinkie Pie Transcription of June 28, 2013.

The Pinkie Pie Transcription of June 28, 2013.

The Pinkie Pie Transcription of June 28, 2013.

Sparkle, Twilight et al. "October 15, 2011: Group's First Friendship Letter." Letter to Celestia. 15 Oct. 2011. MS. Ponyville, n.p.

Like her mentee, Twilight in that instance. The tree doesn’t fall too far from the apple it seems. Or the unicorn pupil is destined to follow the dark path of her master.

m-muh oppression.

I told you not to push this.

Or more like one-pony rant.

June 30, 2013 Ponyville night market altercation incident: “Loose Change detained by authorities for assaulting street vendor over faulty product.”

Excluding Twilight for the moment, she would be broken with a different approach.

Believe me, it was very difficult to get a source for this, but ~~unlike most things in this essay,~~ it is legit.

And I know she’s probably had a little unicorn in her a few times as well ;)

For the purposes of anonymity, she had left her pseudonym, “xXyaoiluver99Xx”.

Gums, Gabby. "Rainbow Dash: Speed Demon or Super Softie?" Foal Free Press[Ponyville] 4 Apr. 2012: 1+. Print.

I don’t practice what I preach, bite me.

Including Twilight, who wasn’t exactly corrupted by these means per se, but that’s not too important to my point, so I’ll just roll with it for now.

Where are those pills?

Pending trademark.

See: the mane six.

Plush, Infamous. Coming Inside Ponies: The Science of Magical Theory and Physical Bodies Explained. Canterlot: IWTCIRD P., 2001. Print.

The Pinkie Pie Transcription of June 30, 2013. And for the record, buying all these cupcakes is really sinking a hole into my monthly budget.

Pinkie Pie recalling the events of the 2011 Grand Galloping Gala; “Celestia: ‘I was hoping [you six] could liven things up a bit.’”

Not to be confused with its shittier competitor, the other Canterlot Donut Shop which had previously been the place of address to a certain Crazy Larry.

After they turned down my sexual advances for the fifth time. And have you seen me?[498]

déjà vu in-citation!

That Twilight and Spike had been to multiple times before, given that Joe already knew her name. But it was Celestia’s push that counted, incepting the idea of going to that location into Spike’s mind.

Equestrian National Dessert Competition 2012.

Analogy, Confused. Hitching Rides on Trains. Saddlesworth: Chugachoochoo, 1999. Print.

Three guesses to who that was.

Celestia really likes to incept people I guess. Maybe she has a lot of practice in doing so. Cuz would you look at that, she even has an easily manipulable doppelganger who can enter ponies’ dreams. How funny.

A point now hammered so far within their brains you could cut them open and it’d be etched in their skulls.

Probably thanks to The Echelon. For after all, Rainbow Dash did go all the way back to Cloudsdale to reunite with her long lost love. There was probably a big heapin’ pile of contrivances they had to pull off to get her back to Ponyville in time. But despite all this, The Echelon didn’t know all the details behind Celestia’s “using Discord’s return to her advantage” thing. Celestia only tells them what to do and what she thinks they need to know. The latter of which is usually very little.

OR DID THEY? DISCORD WILL RETURN, BITCHES!

As set up by Celestia.

Something you’ll never hear me say, even facetiously, because that’s just what Celestia wants.

No really, I’m super over it. Stop doubting me!

His first sealing during the Age of Discord doesn’t count. It wasn’t exactly a proper “game” between equal opponents, it was more like the two Celestial princesses sitting down with him to play a chess match, then promptly flipping the chessboard off the table and shooting him in the face.

Or out-puppeted maybe?

Doesn’t mean I’m gonna apologize for smacking you in the face though.

Chapter 30

Wrench, Greasy. Our Revolution of Industry – Industrialization and the Booming Century. Cloudsdale: Hard Day’s, 2007. Print.

Wrench, Greasy. Our Revolution of Industry – Industrialization and the Booming Century.

Layer, Rail. A Brief History of the Equestrian Rail.

Coin, Bit. Champions of Industry – The Eternal Struggle Between Politics and Economics. Cloudsdale: Sitting at Your Desk P, 2009. Print.

Except for you, Frito-Lay, I love you.

Respark, Match. The Pegasi and Weather Nationalization. Las Pegasus: Gliders, 1999. Print.

Miracles, Flying. Solar Eclipse and Vicious Weather – A History of Pegasus Weather Control, Post-War to the Modern Day. Cloudsdale: Internal Cloudsdale Press, 2000. Print.

Brick, Yellow. Mistakes Were Made: Paving the Road to the Pegasi Spring. Cloudsdale: Why Need Bricks In the Clouds?, 2002. Print.

A claim that was dubious as best. But this was a problem that the unicorns had too. I’m so glad us earth ponies are above all your shit. And that’s why we’re the greatest.

Or lying on clouds. Or hovering in midair. Fuck, I don’t know anything about pegasi sayings.

Brick, Yellow. Mistakes Were Made: Paving the Road to the Pegasi Spring.

And holder of the element of loyalty. But specifying those fancy names aren’t even important, they’re just shams anyways. They’re all elements of dark magic in the end.

Grimdark, Not. A Guide to How Rainbows Are Made. Cloudsdale: Wrong Chute, 2011. Print.

Grimdark, Not. The Method Behind Cloud Factories. Cloudsdale: Wrong Chute, 2011. Print.

Crop, Creamy. On Wonderbolts – 1011 - 2004.

Respark, Match. The Pegasi and Weather Nationalization.

Enlove, Peace. Race and Politics – Breaking Past the Unicorn Stronghold. Trottingham: Equalist, 1999. Print.

Enlove, Peace. Race and Politics – Breaking Past the Unicorn Stronghold.

And who needs their support anyways, to heck with ‘em.

If I may use an English-borrowed Crystalese phrase here.

She probably just wanted to start that whole cult of personality thing again.

Inscriber, Diamond. Our Crystal Princess - Cadence, A Background of Her Life. Canterlot: Canterlot, 2012. Print.

Both do have gaping holes in the center where their hearts should be.

Clarissa, Fortunate. Clarissa’s Fortune Telling Wonders. Vanhoover: Diamond Bright, 1991. Print.

Inscriber, Diamond. Our Crystal Princess - Cadence, A Background of Her Life.

Inscriber, Diamond. Our Crystal Princess - Cadence, A Background of Her Life.

Brick, Coin. To End Before It Begins: The Events Behind the Conclusion of the Pegasi Spring. Canterlot: Back to Work, 2000. Print.

Change, Loose. The Loose Change Dictionary.

Brick, Coin. To End Before It Begins: The Events Behind the Conclusion of the Pegasi Spring.

A precursor to the hypnosis with the mane six I suppose.

Melt, Snow. The Next Precursors to Spring – The Question of Equestrian Nationalization. Canterlot: Canterlot, 2012. Print.

Chapter 31

She’s already had enough experiences with joe unicorns after all, what with sealing Pony Joe into the moon and such.

And screw the earth ponies apparently, they’re not important enough for this. Unless Celestia sprung for polygamy with the Royal Couple, which I really doubt.

Well, pegasus ascended to alicorn, but let’s not get mixed into semantics here.

Actually, probably millions of times by now.

Not exactly that hard to miss, ZINGGG!

Chapter 32

Apparently I’ve used that word before though.

Something that I have to fret over every day.

Going off Celestia’s glimpses of the future here, meaning that Cadence was made after Celestia’s knowledge of Luna and Donut Joe, even though Cadence was made years beforehand in an alternate timeline. Time travel make enough sense to ya, yet?

Change, Loose. "Chapter 10: The Elements of Harmony – A Role Spanning History." Equestria: A History Revealed.

You use your legs to stand up, right?

It’s killer on your arteries.

For the record, you guys are not my friends.

Commandopony. Dir. Marked Less. Perf. Bulk Schwarzeneigher. Some Kind of Fox from a Particular Century, 1985. Film.

The fuck’s a jib?

After months and months of planning and begging.

Technically, it already was a joint leadership type of thing, but ignoring the Luna doppelganger’s social anxiety, what does she even do? Raise the moon, a job that Celestia had already proven capable to do herself? Watch over the night? Just install some goddamn security cameras and be done with it!

Resorting to ad poninem so quickly, huh? Count yourself lucky you’re on the “exempt” side of the law, or the fallacy police would be bustin’ your ass with clubs right now.

You racist. Not all evil anthropoid-like she-demons eat ponies you know.

Dodino, Dr. Spaghetti. What are Fingers? Anthro Puberty and You.

Wait, why am I apologizing? You should be the one apologizing to me for interrupting my one time to be cool. I don’t exactly get those chances often. Pssch, whatever.

Chapter 33

50 bit cost to fulfill. What? Read the fine print.

String, Harpsicord. Anthropology: Analyzing Humanoids. 1st ed. Ponyville: Oh My~ Org, 1994. Print.

A paid sponsorship by Staples & Barcaloungers, selling only those two things since 1986. Don’t trust our competitors, they stole the business model from us. We were here first.

I just need some time to…y’know, get my words straight.

The devil isn’t in the details. She’s here in Equestria, living under the name Celestia.

Great essay style so far, huh?

Change, Loose. "Chapter 22: Götterdämmerung - Twilight of the Gods, Clash of the Celestial Sisters." Also, a surefire way to lose all your bits in poker.

Rub it in why don’t ya. Whatever, me and Larry are perfectly happy as is.

Which would be weird because they aren’t even quadrupeds.

See what I’m talking about with the über dumb thing?

I hope you didn’t think I forgot about them, huh?

This also ensured that Twilight could only escape the tunnels once reuniting with the real Cadence, which all fell according to plan.

This essay doesn’t have to end up anywhere near Ponyville. My terms: make me an alicorn princess. And CEO of Frito-Lay. And beat up the guys at Silly Filly Press for me. And buy up all the copies of “An Abhorrent Offense: Princess Luna and the Invasion of Privacy” at 1000% the cover price. And personally apologize to me for crushing my dreams.

Using my logic.

Scribbler, Stat. "Shining Amor: The New Captain of the Royal Guard." The Canterlot Star 5 Sept. 2009: n. pag. Print.

Flasher, Longcoat. "Making Sense of it All: An Expose to How the Changelings Got In." The Canterlot Star 30 Apr. 2012: n. pag. Print.

As usual.

Used in the colloquial sense only, as if I could ever be a friend with such a Celestia-tainted social moron; I don’t care if she supposedly got “better” after the intervention of Twilight Sparkle. As I said, she’s simple like an old mutt, and contrary to popular belief, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, especially if the original old dog was sealed into the moon and replaced by an inferior clone.

Age as in maybe a minute ago.

And if so, in the event that you were to have any extras, can you please drop them off at my apartment?

Except for the fact that, y’know, a few guards were still in the streets. I guess Celestia’s secret military orders aren’t as absolute as I just said, huh?

No idea how large this room probably was. Much larger than my studio apartment though, I’m sure.

Shh, don’t tell nobody. What I did was kinda illegal, unless you have specific permission from a high-ranking official, or if you’re a part of Twilight’s ragtag group of goodpals. Good thing no big important ponies are reading this, huh?

For reference’s sake, I don’t consider any of you to be friends. Just wanted to make sure you knew.

Cap, Feather. "What…happened yesterday? Love Conquers All, Royal Wedding Rescheduled." The Canterlot Star 22 Apr. 2012: 1-5. Print.

Like that time I wrote “KILL YOURSELF” a hundred times in my privately published poem, titled “Dedicated to Celestia”.

Though, as a complete sidenote, monstrous cocatrices did invade the city soon after the wedding, so I guess this reputation of Canterlot’s is slipping. Unless of course, Celestia was behind that too.

Cap, Feather. "What…happened yesterday? Love Conquers All, Royal Wedding Rescheduled."

Cap, Feather. "What…happened yesterday? Love Conquers All, Royal Wedding Rescheduled."

No seriously, do you think I should get that checked out? How the heck can those caterpillars I ate “accidentally” on a dare mature into full grown butterflies in my colon? I literally have bugs flying out my ass at the moment!

Makeup, Clown. Music and Love: It’s Just There in the Air. 1st ed. Detrot: ICP, 2009. Print.

A bagel. That was not a rhetorical question apparently.

Commandopony. Dir. Marked Less.

See p. 26. Price, Cooking. Friendship Is Magic Reports: Issue 4. Californeigha: Independent Distributers' Whinny, 2013. Print. Main Ser.

A military reference in memoriam for the 10th legion. Those poor (possibly non-existent) saps.

Chapter 34

Just gotta say, being lectured by a formerly homeless pony on hygiene habits, even if he is my current lover or not, is pretty humiliating.

Besides the whole “ensuring Cadence’s wings were smaller than hers” even though she was born a pegasi. I suppose Celestia just had wing envy and didn’t want her younger niece to have bigger wings than hers.

I’ve used this word before, but now that I think about it, what the heck is a Chekov? And for that matter, what the heck is a gun?

“Fated right” being the picture on her butt. Real legitimate of you there, fate.

Penner, Skeet. "Local Dragon Saves Everything! Crystal Empire Returns." The Ponyville Express 11 Nov. 2012: 1-3. Print.

Skeeter, Pen. "Local Dragon Ruins Everything! Wonderbolts Appear Briefly." The Ponyville Express 11 Dec. 2011: 1-3. Print.

Still waiting for that call, Celestia.

Penner, Skeet. "Crystal Empire Under New Leadership. Nopony Complains." The Ponyville Express 12 Nov. 2012: 1-2. Print.

Rest in pieces(?) Sombra.

Oh big surprise, Celestia conquers another pony-living region to manipulate for her own gain. And in other news, ponies need air to survive!

ehh, except maybe for Stoic Boredom. I love Larry and all, but that guy’s got a fine ass.

Ear, Pencil. "Fashionista Regains Color Scheme. The Story Behind the Thwarting of the Ponyville Nightmare Invasion." The Ponyville Express 12 Jun. 2013: 1-2. Print.

Being unnatural creatures of evil would do that to ya, I suppose.

Y’know, if they had noses.

It’ll introduce a whole slew of other problems, but hey, your nightmares will be gone. Every cure has its side effects after all.

Though to be fair, sources say it might’ve actually been a tortoise.

I mean if you want to be technical, there’s Luna too, but she wouldn’t be an issue for at least another thousand years.

And I intend to be the second “great revealer”. I think I’ve uncovered far more than Discord had, history-wise anyways. And on a blood purity level, I’ve already got him beat.

Change, Loose. "Chapter 29: Return of Chaos – The Great Game." Equestria: A History Revealed.

Which I always like to see in our shitty princess.

A pun that will make more sense by the end of this chapter.

"Spike the Dragon Remembering the Second Return of Discord." Personal interview. 9 Mar. 2013.

And if you’re about to answer with “Friendship?”, give me your home address so I can personally go over there and sock you one in the mouth.

Going off our conclusions from Chapter 7, I assume this word is used to describe something that is evil.

Or something like that; all I know is that the instructor succeeded in his mission, getting us all to use drugs, right?

The slogan of all decent essay-writing workshops, I’m sure.

And she definitely wouldn’t want to restart that drug craze after the events ten years ago.

Disgusting.

What else can a horticulturist do with their degree? I bet all you good horticulturists have a secret weed lab somewhere.

Not to be confused with the city.

And the weed must have been in pristine condition too, given that it was unaffected by the passage of time of a thousand years thanks to Sombra’s curse.

I know that they were supposedly annual, but shut the fuck up for a second and let me talk.

Gums, Gabby. "Celestia: Just Like Us?" Foal Free Press[Ponyville] 2 Apr. 2012: 1+. Print.

Advice from Snooping Dog. No certified degree.

Cooperation between different species ends up screwing them all over. Thanks equality!

I know my jokes are usually so deep that I gotta point them out to you. To confirm, yes, that was sarcasm, the highest form of humor.

I guess The Echelon actually did manage to succeed on that front. Despite all the lies that brought them together, they really were friends to the end. It would’ve been respectable if it wasn’t for the fact that I now must regurgitate the contents of my lunch. Excuse me.

Where am I getting the source from now? Who knows?

Or quill, but don’t be a smartass.

Well, I guess the only one who she didn’t really make one with in modern times was King Sombra, but he was in his drooling, snarling stage at this point, so it wasn’t really an option. That’s also probably why he was the only one out of all of them who got brutally smashed to pieces.

You’ve got me becoming discorded Applejack 2.0, Larry. That’s just what love does to me, I guess.

Not cited: Chapter 31, “I know Celestia better than she may even know herself.”

They play with items on? scrubs.

Foot, Lucky. On Draconequus' Wings - Discord Re-examined.

Not to be confused with the Elements.

Hearted, Kind. "The Fascinating Story Behind the Discovery of Reformation Spells." Equestria Times (73)11 (2012): 25-39. Print.

T’was a noble sacrifice. I shall never forget you bakers. For at least a minute.

"Spike the Dragon Remembering the Second Return of Discord." Again.

I should’ve known never to trust a dragon with anything important. Our supposed hero of the Crystal Empire, everypony!

After all, this was a fairly recent event. Not many good book sources out there detail Discord’s second return well.

And spoiler alert, she won’t be getting paid anyways. But it’s for her own benefit. Next time she’ll learn to ask for the bits up front.

If it wasn’t for the fact I don’t want to. Cuz I’m loving what I’ve got right now.

Say hi to Luna and the bakers for me.

Chapter 35

Note: Twilight has never been shown to own any kind of pair of pants.

But if you think I’m gonna pay extra for baggage fees, then you’ve got another thing coming. It’s all carry-on. Just start the train already.

Larry, hold me.

Trust me on this one, I’m the Celestia expert here after all.

Dodino, Dr. Spaghetti. Anthro Puberty Part 2: What to Expect When You’re Expecting to Do the Do. Canterlot: Oh My~ Books Org, 1993. Print.

If being a blindly subservient Celestia slave is okay to you.

?

And thanks, couch. For always supporting me. Whenever I needed a place to sit.

Larson, Thankful. "The Equestrian Fairy Tale: The Story Behind the Rise and Ascension of Princess Twilight Sparkle." Equestria Times (74)2 (2013): 1-24. Print.

Can anyone say, wing boners? I can’t, because that’s idiotic. Let’s use the actual anatomical terms here, guys. She popped a pair of chubbies.

Chapter 36

Which probably consisted of ponies who were slow runners.

Which is another word for lies.

Which believe me, was quite a bitch to find a sending address to.

?

And I shall permit you. It is the last chapter after all.

Cuz if you think I’ll be staying in Equestria for that long once Celestia’s shit goes down, you've got another thing coming.

Not cited: Cheerile’s math book. I’m probably right on this one anyways.

I actually do love you guys. Also, on a totally unrelated sidenote, please buy all my books.

Chapter 1: Abstract

From the very beginning, all of what traditional Equestrian history had told us was filled with lies and deceit. Every inch of history, every word that scholars had analyzed to death; it was all to propagate a twisted lie. With the help of secret sources and Larry who lives in a box behind the donut shop, I have pieced together a history that no pony had dared to even think of. The ramifications of its release could be catastrophic to the regime. But I stand true to the idea that as scholars, we strive to approach the truth. And so it must be done.

Despite the tremendous help from Crazy Larry, this essay mainly utilizes forgotten sources from the Crystal Empire, whose libraries and volumes of academic work remained unscathed by Celestia’s alterations of history for a millennium. Of course, once the Crystal Empire reappeared, with its rapid re-assimilation into Equestria through its puppet ruler, Princess Cadence, the contents of its grand libraries were purged by the Equestrian Royal Guard within a week. In fact, it just so happened that the Captain of the Royal Guard, Shining Armor himself, also “happened” to be the husband to that ruler, therefore allowing him to move his agents effortlessly into the kingdom to destroy her state secrets. Luckily, I was able to enter the Empire unmolested, and take dedicated notes to document Celestia’s secrets. So don’t bother checking the Crystal Empire libraries because my sources aren’t there anymore. But they were totally real. Believe me. I’ve got those citation doohickeys and a bibliography at the end of this essay to prove it, so you know it must be legit.

There is a lot of ground to cover, from the secrets behind the establishment of a theocratic state, to the very nature of Celestia and Luna’s existence. The full extent of their lies can be seen as far up into the Pre-Equestrian Age, truly spanning across history.

Author's Note

I strongly suggest to follow along with the bibliography while reading! It'll make the whole thing much more entertaining.