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Chapter 13: The Attraction

Applejack and Fluttershy were in Applejack’s bedroom, the former waiting for the latter to start talking. Fluttershy was rocking back and forth sitting in the bed next to Applejack, and Applejack knew that if she was going to get anything out of Fluttershy, she’d have to coax her into it.

“Look, ah don’t wanna push ya into talkin’ about somethin’ you’re not comfortable with,” she said, “but ah always feel better when ah talk out mah feelings. It gives you the willies at first, but once you start it’s pretty easy to continue until you’ve gotten it all out.”

Fluttershy looked at Applejack warily. “I know you’re right,” she said, “but I don’t know where to start. There’s so much going through my mind that it’s hard to focus on one idea.”

Applejack smiled as an idea came to her. She put her foreleg over Fluttershy’s shoulder. Fluttershy started to rock a little bit less. “Why don’t ya start from the beginning?”

“The beginning?”

“When’d ya first realize you had a thing for Dash?”

Fluttershy pondered the question carefully and shook her head. “I don’t remember when it started. The first time I noticed it was when I saw her with Thunderlane.”

“Thunder-who?”

“A pegasus from flight school,” Fluttershy explained. She started to rock a little bit more. “I was, well, all I could feel was this jealousy. Dash spent all of her time with him outside of class. They played hoofball with the other colts, ate lunch together, and Dash was always with him on the weekends.” Fluttershy took a deep breath and exhaled.

“At first I thought I was jealous that Dash wasn’t spending any time with me,” she continued, “and that was true, but it wasn’t the only thing. I often saw her with Thunderlane in the hallway, and every time I noticed myself wishing that I could be Thunderlane.”

“Do ya mean you wish you were in Thunderlane’s position, as Dash’s colt...er, sorry, marefriend?”

“Oh, I never admitted it to myself at the time, but that must have been what it was. I was jealous because I wanted Rainbow Dash to be with me and not him. But Applejack, there’s something really wrong with all of this.”

Applejack frowned and retracted her foreleg. “If yer gonna start tellin’ me it’s wrong fer a mare to like another mare, ah’m gonna have to stop you there because it just ain’t true.”

“Oh, no no no, it’s not that at all...” Fluttershy said, “although I’m not sure how my parents would feel about me being a fillyfooler. It’s about what I want from Rainbow Dash.”

“Well, what is it exactly that ya want?”

Fluttershy looked at Applejack with a heavy gaze that made Applejack’s heart sink. This had been weighing on Fluttershy’s mind for a long time; that much was evident in her face, which looked worn and weary from years of carrying the burden.

“Well,” Fluttershy said, ready to make the effort to confess, “it’s about what I don’t want as much as it is what I do want. I don’t want to marry Dash, or adopt a foal, or even move in with her.”

“Wait...” Applejack said, having been put off guard, “really? Ah always took you as the type that’d want to settle down and raise a family.”

“I don’t feel old enough for that yet,” Fluttershy said. “I’ve heard from other ponies that your twenties are supposed to be the time you have fun, dating casually and enjoying yourself.”

“Till when, you settle into marriage and live out the rest of yer miserable life?” Applejack asked. She hiccuped a little and covered her mouth.

“That’s not what I meant at all,” Fluttershy said, drawing away from Applejack. “I mean, marriage is nice, but it’s a different kind of nice, and I always thought you were supposed to have one before you have the other.”

“So ya feel like yer missin’ out on something?”

Fluttershy nodded, twiddling her hooves.

“Did ya ever date anypony durin’ flight school?”

“No,” Fluttershy answered almost immediately. “Well, there was this one time...” Fluttershy shuddered and lost herself in a memory, but she snapped out of it soon after. “That doesn’t count though. I’ve never had a colt or a marefriend. To be honest I wasn’t interested in anypony else besides Dash, and she was obviously taken.”

“Oh right, hold on a minute, ah think we got sidetracked,” Applejack said, attempting to reel the conversation back in. “You told me what ya didn’t want if you were datin’ Dash. So what do you want?”

“Oh, well, um...” Fluttershy said, and she couldn’t look Applejack directly in the eye. Applejack leaned closer and put a hoof on Fluttershy’s leg. Fluttershy let out a sigh.

“I feel so selfish,” she muttered.

“Don’t go puttin’ yerself down now,” Applejack said. “We all have needs we’ve gotta satisfy. Oh, now hold on...” It was all starting to make sense. Fluttershy’s anxiety had been especially rampant when this very topic came up in conversation at the party, and her claim of selfishness fit in perfectly with Applejack’s theory. “Yer lookin’ to be ‘friends with benefits,’ right?”

“Oh, but please don’t tell anypony,” Fluttershy said. “It’s bad enough I’m attracted to my best friend. I mean, I do care about her deeply as a friend, but I’ve always found her so attractive and I can’t help but think about what she must be like under the covers. When I’m in heat especially, it drives me crazy at night and whenever I’m around her. I’m surprised she hasn’t noticed by now.”

“Shh...” Applejack whispered, patting her leg to slow Fluttershy’s shaking. “Ah think ah get it. Ya always thought what you were s’posed to do was find a pony and get married before ya started ruttin’. But with Dash, you wanna skip the marriage part and jump straight into the sex. Ah’ll admit it’s dangerous territory, but there’s nothin’ wrong with it, really. As long as both partners agree, ah reckon it’d be a lot of fun, and enjoyin’ yerself can’t be wrong, can it?”

“I’m not so sure about that...” Fluttershy said. “I was with Pinkie Pie at Sugarcube Corner a few weeks ago, and she was eating a lot of sweets. They were tasty, but they made her sick, and I remember her saying that she had enjoyed eating a little too much.”

“Well, of course, moderation’s important,” Applejack said, “but what’s got you so tied up on the idea that what you want is wrong?”

“My parents always used to tell me. ‘Sex, Love, Marriage, Foal,’ you can’t separate them. I think that was part of why I didn’t want to admit what I really wanted.”

“Ah see, it’s how you were raised.” Applejack said. Fluttershy lowered herself into a lying position on the bed, and Applejack soon followed her. “Ah guess ah’m more open-minded, ’cause ah never found out what mah parents would’ve really wanted, and Granny Smith never wanted to talk to me about it. But Big Mac’s always said ‘whatever makes you happy,’ so ah don’t think it’s a bad thing that you want this. The question is now, what does Rainbow Dash want?”

“I almost found out once,” Fluttershy said.

“Whaddaya mean?” Applejack asked, scooting closer to Fluttershy to hear her better.

“Oh, I shouldn’t say,” Fluttershy said. “Rainbow Dash asked me not to tell anypony about it after it happened, and I promised her I wouldn’t. I don’t want to break my word.”

“Ah know what Pinkie would say,” Applejack said once Fluttershy ceased to talk. “‘Breakin’ a promise is the fastest way to lose a friend,’ or somethin’ like that. But this sounds important, and ah think you know by now that sometimes keepin’ a secret can lead to a big misunderstandin’. Dash and I are real close, and ah know a lot about her that maybe even you don’t know. Ah promise yer secret’s safe with me.”

“Are you sure?” Fluttershy asked. “Because I really want to tell you, but it might change the way you think about Dash...”

“Fluttershy, look. Ah know secrets are important, but this is killin’ you. Ah’ve never seen you look so tired. Ah promise I won’t tell anypony what you’re about to tell me.”

“Okay, then...” Fluttershy said, and now Applejack was tensing up. She could sense that this was important. Fluttershy began. “Dash and Thunderlane had been going out for about two years, but she was flying past his house on the way to school. Thunderlane had said his family was going to Fillydelphia for the weekend, but Dash could see candlelight in the house. She got curious and peered into the window, and she swore she could see Thunderlane kissing another mare named April Showers.”

“Consarn it, that two-timin’ knucklehead! She musta been devastated.”

“She was furious,” Fluttershy said, “so much so that she broke into the house and slapped April in the face. April quickly left, and Thunderlane and Dash screamed at each other for hours before Dash broke down and started crying. Apparently he tried to console her, but she said they were through and flew out of the house. They never talked to each other after that, not even a greeting in passing.”

“That doesn’t sound like the kinda thing Dash is willin’ to admit,” Applejack reasoned. “How’d ya find out about it?”

“She flew back to our dorm and started pouring herself a drink,” Fluttershy said. “I was always against it, but Dash snuck in alcohol and stored it in a fridge under her bed. We were of age in Cloudsdale but the flight school forbid alcohol on campus.”

“Let me guess,” Applejack said, “she got drunk and started talkin’ to you about it because you were the only pony she could confide in.”

“I was the only pony at flight school she could trust,” Fluttershy said. “She told me that. She confessed how much she loved him and how hurt she was that he obviously didn’t love her back. She went on and on about wondering when the right pony would ever come and was afraid of being alone for the rest of her life.”

“She musta been pretty drunk, then.”

“Oh yes, she’d had quite a few drinks by that point, but I knew her feelings were real. When she started crying again I hovered over to her and gave her a big hug. She looked like she really needed it. I’ve never felt anypony hug me so tightly and so close, not even Pinkie Pie, and I started to get the feeling something was wrong. She kept saying how I was her only true friend and only I could understand how she felt. I stroked her mane and hushed her, trying to calm her down, but then she took me by surprise.”

“What did she do?” Applejack asked.

“She kissed me...” Fluttershy whispered. The two ponies let the words hang over them so they could slowly sink in. They could hear a cool breeze blowing in the apple trees and the stars twinkled in the sky as bright as they’d ever seen them.

“Mouth-to-mouth?” Applejack finally asked, admittedly an awkward way to break the silence, but it was the only thing she could think of. Fluttershy nodded.

“I was so surprised that I didn’t react at first. But then, for a split second, I was ready to finally show her how much I wanted her. I wanted to hold her close to me and kiss her until all the bad memories faded away. But I think Dash took my initial hesitation as a sign that I didn’t want any of that. She pulled away, horrified, and I tried not to show how upset I was that it didn’t go further.”

Fluttershy stopped talking for a moment, looking quite conflicted. She was holding her stomach in her hooves and looked to be on the verge of tears.

“I...” Fluttershy said, “I think I wanted to take advantage of her. At the time, I thought I just wanted to comfort her and show her she was not alone, but looking back, I wanted to take the opportunity to move in on her when she was at her weakest, the weakest I’d ever seen her. I was so selfish...” Now tears were slowly leaking from Fluttershy’s eyes, and she turned her head away from Applejack to try to hide them. Applejack stroked her moist cheek with her hoof, and Fluttershy turned to look at her once again.

“That’s not the way ah see it,” she said. “Ya coulda told Dash ya wanted to be with her, and Dash might have said yes. She was drunk and vulnerable and woulda probably agreed to whatever you wanted to try to make herself feel better. But you didn’t take advantage of her. You knew it would make her uncomfortable and you avoided doin’ somethin’ you woulda regretted.”

“That’s not how it was,” Fluttershy said. “I was ready to do it, I really was, but she looked at me with such fear in her eyes that I knew I had to stop. Her fear reminded me of my own and I held back. I was afraid of letting my feelings show, and because I was a coward I pulled back.”

“That wasn’t cowardly at all, Fluttershy,” Applejack said. “It’s the bravest thing ah think you’ve ever done. You sacrificed pleasin’ yerself by recognizin’ what Dash needed first. You were there for Dash when she needed somepony she could trust. You stopped the cheap fling to save the friendship, and if ya didn’t truly care about her, ya wouldn’t have done that. But what happened next?”

“Well, that certainly made her forget about Thunderlane for a while,” Fluttershy said. “She spent a long time afterward convincing me she didn’t like mares that way, not that I wasn’t attractive, but that she would never date a mare. The more she confessed, the more I didn’t believe her, and then I realized that we could have been something after all. If only Dash had liked me the same way, we could have been together, and I didn’t even think it was a possibility until she kissed me that night. I know Dash was hurting more, but I could feel my heart breaking, too.”

Fluttershy was noticeably less shaky, but she looked like she was ready to pass out from exhaustion. Applejack smiled and ran a hoof through Fluttershy’s mane.

“’Shy, you’ve spent all this time makin’ sure Dash got what she needed,” she said. “You’ve been holdin’ back yer feelings fer years to save Dash the discomfort of admitting she might be bisexual. But she’s more mature now, a much stronger mare than she was in flight school, perhaps more willin’ to accept that she likes mares. And that night, even though she was drunk, she opened her heart to you. It’s about time you opened yer heart to her.”

“After all these years, you’re saying I should tell Rainbow Dash how much I want her? But I know she doesn’t want me, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship by making things awkward.”

“Sugarcube, think about it,” Applejack said. “There’s a few possibilities. Either she doesn’t like you, and you end up right back where ya started, or she does like you, and then you have some work to do but it could turn into somethin’ mighty fine. And if yer friendship with her is in jeopardy if ya admit yer feelings, then it wasn’t a strong friendship to begin with. Ah wanna see you take that risk, really go after what you want like you never have before. And ah’ll back ya up every step o’ the way. Does that sound like a deal?”

Fluttershy looked at Applejack timidly. “I don’t know...”

“Look, if Dash gives ya a hard time, ah’ll kick her in the flank and straighten her out. You’ve got nothin’ to lose.”

Fluttershy gazed at Applejack. “Go after what I really want?”

“Absolutely.”

“Tell Dash how I truly feel?”

“Exactly that.”

Fluttershy smiled, the first smile she’d had all night. “It’s a deal then.”

“Alrighty then, well, it’s way too late to start tonight, but first thing in the mornin’ we’ll come up with a plan. Sound good?”

“So soon? Shouldn’t we think about it for a little while first?”

“Fluttershy, you’ve had years to think about it. It’s time to act.”

Fluttershy smiled bashfully. “That’s true, I suppose...”

“Then it’s settled. Tomorrow we make a game plan. But tonight, we gotta get some shuteye. There’s a sleepin’ bag under the bed if ya don’t mind the ground too much.”

“Um...I don’t know about that,” Fluttershy said. “The last time I slept on wooden floorboards I ended up with a splinter. Could I just...?”

“Sure ya can sleep next to me on the bed if ya want. I won’t read anythin’ into it.” Applejack gave her a wink. Fluttershy chuckled and took a relaxing breath. Applejack scooched over to give Fluttershy room to lie down. Fluttershy lay with her back facing Applejack’s, and the two of them closed their eyes. As Fluttershy began to breathe deeply, however, the feathers in her wings brushed up against Applejack’s back.

“Consarn it, ’Shy, yer wings are ticklin’ me,” Applejack said with a laugh.

“Oh, I’m ever so sorry,” Fluttershy said. “Should I sleep on the other side?”

“Yeah, that’d prob’ly be fer the best.”

Fluttershy flipped over and lay with her stomach facing Applejack’s back. There was some space in between them, but it was pretty snug fit on Applejack’s bed. Fluttershy had nowhere to put her forelegs so she draped one over Applejack’s back and tucked the other one beneath her. Applejack smiled but made no comment.

Fluttershy thought she would find it difficult to fall asleep, but being here, lying next to a friend she could trust, made the night that much more calming. Fluttershy shut her eyes, hoping for the most refreshing night of sleep she’d had in a long time.