I had been about to take a well deserved shower after a long day of school. I had just completed my third day of junior year, and I was exhausted. Shedding my clothes like a sweat encrusted second skin, I had just begun to strip off my final garment when the screaming began. Long, sobbing requests for help, full of pain and terror. Without a moment’s hesitation, I bolted out of my home and ran into the forest, toward the sound of the fearful cries. Little did I know that I was racing towards my future. Little did I know that soon I would leave everything I had ever known behind. My name is Jason Quinn, and I am the last child of man.
Charging through the forest, regardless of the thorny vines that ripped at my bare limbs, ignoring the sting and dull ache of cuts and bruises from the rough forest floor, I raced onward. I had only one goal in mind, and that was to race as fast as possible toward the sounds of screaming ahead of me. My foot collided with a rock, splitting my big toenail along the length, the pain pulling a gasp from my lips. But still I raced on.
Left and right, then left again, I dodge through the trees, stumbling blindly into and through obstacles. All the time, the screaming grew louder as I grew nearer to the source, the noise now ringed with the taint of despair as well as fear. I could only hope I didn't arrive too late.
I was accelerating, afraid to arrive too late to assist, when suddenly I burst into a clearing to a very strange site. A stone archway leading into a cliff, covered in strange, beautiful calligraphy. Little did i know that I know what a key part this passage would play in my life.
Curling and swooping, the writing formed crude pictographs of horses and dragons, fire and waves. The script reminded me vaguely of European glyphs, but it was not in any language I understood. The carved stones that formed the archway were rough, as if they had been carved with bare hands and raw determination. The work looked more like the crudely carved stone of the Neolithic, not the smooth arches of the copper, bronze, iron, steel, or digital age. The archway lead into a rocky mountain, expanding into a narrow winding tunnel, crudely hacked from the stone. All of this I processed in one second, before a scream echoing from within the tunnel. Without a second thought I, resplendent in my tidy whities, leapt into the passage with a deep roar reverberating out of my throat.
The tunnel was dark and dry. After a few hundred feet I was in complete darkness. From feel I could detect a rough hewn stone floor, covered with dust and sand. My sensitive fingers detected chisel marks in the wall, scattered haphazardly, as though the carver had been swinging in a blind panic. That, combined with the echoing screams and all encompassing darkness, served to set me on edge. My swift jog that I had maintained outside had been slowed to a painfully slow walk. I tripped through the tunnel, bumping and bruising my hands as I used them to guide me. After a few minutes of stumbling, the dry dusty air had turned cool and moist, and my feet felt the rough sandy cavern floor transition into mossy stone. The rough chiseled walls changed into natural cave walls, saturated with gently trickling water. Almost as soon as I detected this transition, I noticed a slight light, far ahead of me. Eager to reach it, I accelerated my pace, finally breaking into a dead run, so desperate was I to escape the confines of the tunnel. I threw myself out of the tunnel’s mouth with reckless abandoned, a relieved sigh escaping my lips. Unfortunately, my relief was short lived as I quickly fell to the ground, yelping with pain
. A vortex of colors surrounded and overwhelmed me, painfully bright. I shut my eyes and hissed with pain, but that offered no relief. The back of my eyelids looked… different. The coloring looked almost like a drawing, just one uniform shade of dark red instead of the tapestry of veins that composed a typical eyelid. My pupils, now adjusted, caused no pain when I opened my eyes. My eyes widened as I looked wildly around, astonished at what I saw.
Birds sang and flew through the air, pirouetting in a sky bound ballet. Trees rocked softly in the breeze, their leaves glistening green in the light. A small stream babbled to my right, as if it was singing praise to the golden sun overhead. All of this was typical of the world I knew. What was not typical, however, was the strange…physics of this place. Everything was composed of bright colors, and everything had strange shapes as if the world was now animated. The only difference was that now, instead of being a flat two dimensional object safely nestled in the confines of a screen, the animation was 3d, and all around me. The effect was almost sickening. In fact, it was sickening. I immediately puked onto the ground, my sensory organs overwhelmed with the strange nature of the world all around me. Finally, after emptying my stomach, I began to calm down and adjust to my surroundings.After a few minutes I was almost completely calm, up until I looked at my reflection in the stream.
My skin tone was now universal all over my body, a pale off white. My arm and leg hair was gone. My dark, shaggy blond hair, before shaded and mixed with both light blond and brown, was now a pastel yellow. In other words, I was now animated. With a fearful yelp, I clawed at my arms, attempting to wipe off the strange color. I threw myself to the ground, attempting to wipe away the shading in dirt. As this did nothing, I began to panic (more so than I already was). Luckily (for me) another scream brought me to reality, only this time it was followed by ear splitting howls.
Twisted physics and strange color schemes aside, I had come here on a mission. I bolted toward the source, charging off into the forest, my feet tearing on exposed rocks and dead fall from trees. Sunlight dappled on my skin as I threw myself forward as fast as I could, the source of the scream getting closer and closer. Finally, after nearly five minutes of running full speed, I emerged into a clearing. One side of the clearing was hemmed in by a cliff. In the past, several massive crags of stone had detached themselves from the cliff face, and impaled themselves into the grass. This, however, was not what caught my attention.
What had caught my attention was the small, brightly colored creature that lay, quivering in fear, on one of the tall rocks. Surrounding the creature was a pack of… things. Slobbering beasts with shining green eyes full of hatred, whose powerful, strange bodies only moved at the joints, as if the flesh was frozen hard in one position. As I looked closer, I realized that the creatures had no flesh. Instead, lengths of wood composed the bodies of the beasts, fused together lengths of wood varying from the size of a log to a tiny twig. One of them attempted to scramble up the rock, snarling and howling at the brightly colored creature cowering at its peak. The sound of the howls made me realize these creatures were wolves. Wolves made of wood. Wait a second… that’s a rather familiar concept. And the brightly colored creature on the rock looks rather familiar too…uh oh.
This couldn't be real, it’s… impossible. These creatures were familiar for a very important reason. All of them, every single one, were from the TV show My Little Pony. The realization nearly killed me. My mouth dropped open, and my heart began to race. Random, fevered thoughts raced through my head, most of them along the lines of “I MUST HAVES TEH PONEH!” For several seconds, I didn't move, until I was knocked out of my stupor by another shriek from the pony (as I now knew it was) on the rock. A young filly, judging by the length of her mane and the over sized bow attached to it. With a deep guttural roar and no semblance of a plan, I threw myself at the wolves.
The beasts seemed surprised by my intervention, but quickly recovered, allowing the nearest one to sink his teeth into my leg. Strangely, the wooden teeth had barely penetrated into my calf before the beast had released me and circled, snarling. I, half dead from exhaustion, surprise, and adrenaline, did the only thing that occurred to me at the time. I threw myself on top of the closest wolf, bearing down on it with my tall, skinny frame.
Luckily for me, the beast, who was rushing in for another bite, was struck off balance and fell sideways under me. A sharp crack resounded from the wolf's side, causing it to unleash an unholy howl, before exploding into a pile of twigs. I stumbled to my feet, only to be knocked down under the fearsome charge of another timber wolf. As the monster straddled me, it took a few seconds to roar into my face, a fearsome, terrifying sound.
The roar of the timber wolf was cut short by a yelp, for as the creature screamed at me, I shot my head forward, crunching its wooden lower jaw with my forehead. The beast leaped back yelping in pain, giving me the opportunity I needed to clamor back up to my feet. By this point the wooden canines were circling me, eyeing me warily. Once more, I gave the loudest, deepest, most fearsome roar I could muster. “Who’s next then? I can go all day.” I snarled.
The nearest wolf leapt at me, but by now I had recovered sufficient wit to crouch and take its impact on my shoulder. The beast, stopped in its murderous midair flight, flipped awkwardly over my shoulder and landed painfully on its back, its lungs emptying of air with a violent “oof!” I turned and stomped on its ribs as hard as I could. My eyes watered as my feet, already cut and bleeding by my run through the forest, were further tortured by splinters being driven deep into my flesh. I was rewarded by a sharp crack, a howl of pain, and a splintery explosion as the timber wolf disintegrated into twigs. I slowly turned toward the rest of the pack, who were sitting back on their haunches with their ears laid back, looking quite astonished. “Run.” I barked, staring at the wolves with cold eyes.
Without a moment of delay, the wolves turned and bound off into the forest, their howls echoing off into the sky in a evil chorus. I turned and watched the progress of the fleeing wolves, a smile dancing on my lips. From behind me, I heard wicked chuckling. I spun, looking for the source of the laughter, only to see the small filly grinning at me with massive, yellow and red eyes. Those eyes were familiar somehow. “Discord.” I whispered.
“Well well well, what do we have here? A hairless, alien ape and it knows my name. Were you in my cooking class in Canterlot, perhaps?” the filly gave a sardonic grin, and then exploded in a flash of purple light, blinding me. When my vision returned, the massive draconequus, Discord, towered over me, his smug grin flashing in my face. “Now, as you apparently know who I am, would you care to tell me who YOU are?”
I admit, of all the characters in the show, Discord has always been the one who I could relate to most. A sarcastic smart ass with a chocolate milk fixation. A man after my own heart. Shaking off my surprise, I jerked up my chin impertinently “I’m Jason. The human.” I said, staring down my nose at the giant draconequus. “never heard of you” Discord replied dismissively.
I admit I was a little disappointed my strange form hadn’t surprised the draconequus. “Aren’t you surprised to see a bipedal, sentient primate?” I said, genuinely shocked that Discord hadn't commented on it. He gave an insane grin. “My boy, I’m the master of chaos! I revel in the new, the unexpected. It would take a lot more than you” (discord gestured dismissively in my direction) “to surprise me” (discord gestured grandly at his own chest.) He then began floating over me, turning midair spirals in a most annoying manner. “What was with all the wolves? And the get up?” I said irritably, pointing at the carnage around us. The smile disappeared off of Discords face.
“Princess Celestia, in all her divine wisdom (Discord rolled his eyes at this point) has appointed me to scour this land in search of brave ponies to bring to her attention and reward as I see fit. The good old ‘pack of rabid timber wolves attacking a helpless foal’ bit seemed like as good an idea as any to find them. But,” he said, a chaotic gleam coming into his eyes “she said nothing about reporting a, what were you called? Human.” I snorted irritably and stamped my foot. I quickly regretted that, as my poor, bleeding, splinter encrusted feet were immediately send into throes of violent agony, causing me to fall, squawking in pain, onto my backside. Discord watched this for a few seconds with an amused look on his face, before letting out a long sigh. “I suppose that, even if you’re not a pony, you did act bravely, and do deserve a reward. A healing, for starts.” Discord wiggled his claws, and a ball of purple smoke popped into existence.
The smoke engulfed me, smelling vaguely of chocolate milk and completely obscuring my vision. Suddenly, I felt it began to tingle on my skin, causing sweet relief to flow over me. All of the aches and pains left my body, the wounds on my leg from the timber wolf bite, my cut up feet, and countless other minor abrasions all healed perfectly. I stood up and eyed Discord cautiously. “Thank you.” I said. The deformed chimera stopped his midair spiraling and looked at me “Don’t be” He replied with a wicked grin “you’re still a thin, weak excuse for a primate with a white hide that probably never see’s the sun.” I bristled in anger and opened my mouth to speak, only to be cut off by Discord “allow me to… fix that.”
Discord thrust forward with his lion paw, sending a tendril of smoke across my eyes, obscuring my vision. When it cleared, I found myself strapped to an operating table, with Discord standing over me in green scrubs. We were in a small, well lit, white room with no doors or windows. The draconequus regarded me with a crooked grin "Hmmm. We don’t have a lot to work with in the first place, but I’ll see what I can do.”
I opened my mouth to voice my outrage, but Discord, fast as lightning, stuffed a rag into it. “Let’s see… first, a general tune up!” the chimera snapped his claws, and I felt every muscle in my body tighten and swell.
The belts across my chest, stomach, and thighs all tightened as my muscle mass increased and shifted. Discord clapped and giggled with childlike glee before continuing. “Now, stamina!” He said, forming a fist with his claw. Discord wiggled his fist through the air, summoning a stream of purple smoke that flowed through the air into my nose. Immediately, my lungs were on fire, every breath burning. I grunted in discomfort, but he studiously ignored me. “Hearing” Discord giggled. He then wet both of his thumbs in his mouth, before jamming them in my ears.
The sensation was one of icy cold, and massive discomfort. I did my best to shift my hand to shoot the draconequus the bird, but the belts on my arms were too tight. “Now vision” Discord squealed with glee. Two golden disks shot out from under discords talons and landed on my eyes, burning like two drops of molten lead.
My pained grunts turned into muffled screams. Discord rolled his eyes. “Oh, don’t be such a big baby.” He scoffed. Discord then cracked his knuckles and gave a wicked grin. “Now, let’s work on that complexion” a cocoon of purple smoke engulfed my body. It flowed into my acne, searing the skin, and hovered over the rest of my body, engulfing me in a painful barrage of scorching heat. The pain of all these processes drove me nearer and nearer to hysteria, every nerve on my body engulfed in fire. Just when I thought I would die if the barrage on my senses continued any longer, I heard the draconequus cry out with glee. “Perfect!”
Blackness engulfed my senses. I felt nothing. I couldn't see a thing. I was just floating in an empty void. After several minutes of this, just when I had resigned myself to an eternity of floating in a black pool of nothingness, I heard a loud voice ring out. “This was fun; see you later, my ugly little human!” Discord cried. Suddenly, I was back in the forest, lying flat on my back in the middle of a path.
Over my head the sky was blue and full of singing birds. I sat up, rubbing grit out of my eyes, then stopped and stared at my hands. My milky flesh had darkened to a peaches and cream color. Realizing that discord had modified my body while he was playing doctor, I of course examined my face. My probing fingers detected no acne, and all of my scars were gone as well. Looking down, I saw that my entire body was now lean and well muscled, like a statue of a Greek god. My vision, which usually would be slightly blurry without my glasses, was now perfectly clear, clearer than it had been anytime within my life. I could count the spots on a ladybug's back from twenty feet away. My hearing was improved as well, as I could hear the ladybugs wings buzzing. Discord had turned me into some kind of perfect human. I rolled my shoulders and gave a laugh, overjoyed with my new body. Then, as my stomach growled with hunger, reality began to set in again.
Turning a full circle, I assessed my surroundings. Trees grew tall to my left, great oak tree’s with shining green leaves, full of chattering birds and squirrels. Grass grew to my right, forming soft blankets over rolling hills, shining bright green in the sunshine. I sat on a beaten earth path that forked ten feet in front of me. All of the branches of the path wandered and meandered away, curving with the lay of the land like a dusty red snake working its way over the countryside. At the intersection, a wooden sign stood, adorn with three arrows.
The sign was weathered, and the words on the arrows were barely legible, so faded was the paint. Two arrows pointed along the various forks of the path, and one pointed along the branch I was on. The arrow pointing to my left read FILLYDELPHIA, 30 MILES. The words shared the left arrow with a crude picture of a cracked bell. The sign to the right read BALTIMARE, 40 MILES. This lettering shared it’s arrow with a crude drawing of a pony in a yellow raincoat. The arrow facing me read CANTERLOT, 25 MILES, and showed a crude drawing of a crown. I looked at the signs for a few seconds, and then a massive, silly grin broke out on my face. Jumping into the air, I spun around and ran as fast as I could towards Canterlot.
