Prologue: Salvia Divinorum
Spike Finally Gets It
By ManicTrip
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit!
Okay, I know this is going to sound fucking crazy.
I know that I’m likely just tripping fat balls right now. Scratch that – the fattest balls. Perhaps I ended up just dying right there on the couch, a pipe in my right hand and a bag of hot Cheetos spilled over my lap. Or maybe I’d really woken up to some Matrix-like reality.
Whatever the case being, I definitely didn’t anticipate the headache that followed. Raw sensations pounded against my skull, as if the inside had been mercilessly beat by a shovel.
Fuck! Smoking salvia had to be the dumbest thing I’d ever done. Considering my track record is undoubtedly an endless stretch of idiocy, it’s pretty clear that I’d set a new high. Or a new low. I don’t really know how to properly explain my fuck-up, and I don’t really care. Something huge happened, I tell you. Something so unnecessarily massive that I can only lie here now in pure, utter shock, gawking at my new surroundings…
…and then promptly pissing myself in fear.
One moment I’m watching my favorite pony-toons while inhaling concentrated salvia, and the next I’m face-down in lawn soil, completely nude. What. The. Fuck. I’d been looking forward to experiencing hallucinations, but this was just downright ridiculous.
I reacted quickly. Spitting the dirt out of my mouth, I pushed my aching body off the ground and stood. It took a while before my brain fully registered my new environment. It was considerably warm, and when I brought my head up to face the sky I could see the sun above spawned rays of yellow, orange and red.
My eyes were literally detecting the yellows, oranges and reds! The fact that I could stare up at the sun without suffering eye damage made it clear that I wasn’t home.
I spun around to discover the plant life at my feet appeared strikingly similar in design and shading to the sun. None of it was real. The navy blue expanse that made up the sky, the generic-looking sun, the perfectly smooth grass – such a lack of detail rendered everything a visual graphic. Like it was some kind of cartoon…
It didn’t take long for me to figure it out. My brony senses had been nagging at me since I’d woken up in this animated land. There was no way I could remain in denial any longer. The evidence before me spoke volumes.
“Oh, shit. I’m in Equestria.” I muttered nervously, clutching at my temples. “Fuck, fuck!”
I wasn’t handling this new development very well. I kind of panicked right then and there, but you can’t really blame me for doing so. My senses were too busy getting raped by Equestria’s foreign laws of nature. Calming my mind was proving to be an impossible task. My heart was beating way too furiously for its own good, and I could only focus on my lower half’s exposure to the cool breeze.
So what did I do then?
I whimpered like a lost little puppy.
“Hi, there.”
“FUUUUUUCK!” I shrieked pathetically.
I’m not a Chinese shaolin monk, so I didn’t expect to calmly observe and analyze the current situation. Sadly, I’m also prone to jump scares, so it wasn’t surprising when every one of my limbs flailed madly in all directions.
I shot my arms left and right, while my legs recoiled and twisted around each other. I probably looked like some asshole trying to bust new moves on the dance floor but failing miserably. The speed and force of my motions were unstable and erratic, and my bare foot suddenly made contact with a cold, steely surface.
“Ugh.” Uttered whatever the fuck I kicked. It actually went airborne for a moment before dropping back down with a soft thud.
“AGH!” I yelped out, throbbing jolts traveling up my leg.
Instinctively I reached out to the source of the pain, my extended fingers only lightly tapping my toes. In a panicked state I lost my balance, toppling head-first into a nearby bush.
A second later I discovered it was a thorn bush.
So there I was, thrashing about in my birthday suit as I cried in agony. I guess you could say things weren’t going so hot for me. In just a short span of time I’d swallowed dirt, stubbed my toe and fallen into a death trap. My life had become a slapstick comedy. And I assure you I wasn’t laughing.
I finally clawed my way out of the bush, panting heavily and shuddering from the cuts scattered across my face. I didn’t bleed out, but they still stung like a bitch. Everything was beginning to piss me off, so at that point my only desire was to return home. Only I had absolutely no idea on how to accomplish this.
Breathing soon became an easier task, and I took the rare opportunity to relax and collect my thoughts. Scanning my perimeter, I spotted a round, purple creature sprawled on its back a few feet from where I stood. After getting a closer look, I instantly identified my favorite character from the My Little Pony series.
I stayed where I was, staring over Spike’s unresponsive shell of a body. He appeared just as he was depicted in the series. Short, stubby legs and arms. Lime green ears protruding from his head. His large, grey underbelly stuck out into the air like layered cake. I hadn’t noticed it before, but he was kind of a fat little guy, wasn’t he?
His eyes were closed and his body lay lifeless. With a shaky foot I cautiously poked his right arm. The cold, steely scales I’d stubbed my toe on earlier made contact again.
No response.
I poked at him again. This time I applied more force to my nudges. Nothing. Not even a single twitch of the eye. Was he even breathing? I didn’t want to bring my face any closer to him, so I couldn’t’ tell.
“Wake up!” I barked, hoping for any kind of reaction.
His body remained limp and soulless. Did I kick him right in the head or something? Still, even if I did, the dragon’s scales should have been more than enough protection from my fleshy toes.
“Wake up, you fatass!” I yelled in frustration.
I don’t know what came over me, but I suddenly had the intense urge to kick him as hard as I could. It was stupid to think he’d wake by inducing another concussion. But I was upset, tired and pretty fucking wacked out of my mind by then, so I did it, anyway. I kicked him with all my might, predicting he’d fly spectacularly a thousand feet into the sky.
I was wrong. I ended up just tearfully weeping out curses while squeezing my tender foot. He’d been punted into the same thorn bush I crawled out of, and he still wasn’t making a single sound. That wasn’t a good sign.
I rubbed the back of my head in contemplation.
“Fuck, dude. Don’t tell me I killed one of you already.”
Once the throbbing in my foot subsided, I took a few steps back. I pretty much just left him there, in the thorn bush, and waited for any sign of life. After minutes of mute observation I felt my junk had been hanging out for far too long. It was pretty chilly underneath the belt, so I promptly scavenged for anything to cover myself.
Fortunately there was a selection to choose from. I picked off an oversized palm leaf and wrapped it snugly around my waist. It was definitely itching in the crotch area, but it wasn’t too uncomfortable. For now it’d have to make due, at least until the salvia wore out of my system.
But when was that going to happen? Was I still hallucinating, or did I actually die? I couldn’t be sure, but I hoped it was the former. Because if my life did suddenly end, then it probably meant I was stuck in ponyland. Fuck!
“Ghrr…Ugh…”
I whipped my head in the direction of the thorn bush. Slow, throaty utterances escaped the baby dragon’s mouth. His head then lifted shakily, held upright by his hands. I stared in daft silence as he rose, trembling, and finally popped out of the bush, landing squarely onto his ass.
He sat in a daze, his body swaying unsteadily. “Ughr…h-huh?”
This was the moment of truth. Our eyes were about to meet, and I already knew what was going to follow. He’d freak out; I’d shriek out . He’d run away; I’d hobble away. He’d make it home safely to a loving family and town; I’d end up tripping over a cliff and plummeting to my painful death. Out of all the various possibilities, my mind kept coming to a similar finale: I’d die.
“Took you long enough to finally wake the fuck up.” I said loudly. I stood my ground, watching as Spike massaged his cranium. Instead of fleeing I decided to stay. Perhaps there’d be less likely a chance of my untimely death. But I was probably gripping at straws. It was only a matter of time.
“How’s your head?” I asked.
Spike groaned, rubbing his face. “What happened?”
My index finger pointed to the sky. “I saw the whole thing. Some pegasus asshole just swooped in and knocked you the fuck out! He carried your body up and dropped it into that bush! It happened so fast I couldn’t do anything!”
“W-what?” He said, his eyes widening. “Why?”
“Don’t ask me. He was probably on drugs.”
Spike appeared puzzled. His eyes now fully open, the dragon anxiously switched his gaze from left to right, almost as if in a panic. He propped his hands on his knees and stood slowly. As the seconds passed, his facial features contorted further into a desperate frown. I didn’t know why, but it was deeply unsettling.
“No need to worry. The asshole’s gone.”
And then he said it, all the while focusing his stare right on my crotch. Actually, it was more like he was staring right through my crotch, as if it didn’t even exist.
“Excuse me,” Spike gulped tensely. “but where are you?”
“What are you talking about?” I replied.
His pupils constricted into tiny dots. He looked to the left of me, speaking to nothing but thin air. “U-uh…Who said that? Who’s there?”
“Get your eyes checked out! I said it!” This couldn’t be happening. He had to be fucking kidding me, right? He couldn’t be implying…
“But…” He quivered, utter terror plastered on his mug. “where are you?”
Spike Finally Gets It
Prologue: Salvia Divinorum ~ END