The Mailmare

Chapters

Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 9
Chapter 1
Chapter 8

Chapter 2

The Mailmare
By theamberfox

Chapter 2

Yes, of course, it all made perfect sense now. I am Twilight Sparkle.

This revelation actually explained a lot about my life. Most notably, it explained the nonsensical thing called sleep. Every day, when the sky grows dark and the lights begin to turn on in ponies’ houses, I start to feel strangely fatigued, physically tired regardless of what I had been doing that day. But what use was there in always tossing away the night, the beautiful starry sky, the radiant moon, the peace and quiet, and all that time I didn’t have to spend working at my job? What use was there in lying on a soft surface with my eyes closed and my mind slipping out of consciousness for all those long hours? Those questions had always left me flabbergasted, but now I felt like I finally knew the answer behind it all.

I was the normal, boring Derpy Hooves during the day, but at night someone else, or something else, took over and I became Twilight Sparkle. And this mysterious pony, my unknown alter ego that ruled the hours of darkness, was most likely going on amazing adventures and attending wild parties while I was left with only a fading, surreal recollection of these experiences. I used to call these bizarre memories ‘dreams’, but now I believe they were actually hints to my secret Twilight Sparkle life. These fabulous reveries, where I rode a dragon, ate a muffin the size of a small cottage, and battled intensely with the villainous ‘Salmonella’, were all hints to the alternate reality that encompassed every second of my nights.

But that wasn’t all. I had also realized something about the taxes I had paid over my lifetime. Why in the world did I ever have to pay taxes? Could Princess Celestia, whom I understood to be the most powerful being on this planet, not pay for our roads and racetracks? Could she not feed the poor and save the orphans from a life of misery all on her own or did she really need my two bits? I had always believed that my tiny contributions were meaningless to the princess, but now I understood. I understood that this money was not going to the princess, but instead, it was going to Twilight Sparkle, to feed her insatiable desire for excitement, adventure and what I could only assume was a prestigious and exhilarating life.

And I must admit, at first this train of thought had forced a gleeful admiration of Twilight upon me. She got to have all the fun while I did all the hard work. I longed to trade places with her, live her life instead of mine. But it wasn’t soon after that this admiration turned into pure hatred, for I began to realize that Twilight was truly an evil, despicable creature. She got to have all the fun because she was stealing all the fun out of my life and I wanted it back.

Steaming with rage, I threw the letter on top of the table nearby, ran up the stairs of my house, and darted towards my bedroom door. Twilight Sparkle only took over at night, but if I could fool her into believing that it was now night-time and that, like usual, I was fatigued from a long day of hard work, then perhaps I could bring her out of hiding, catch her by surprise and confront her once and for all.

But as I neared ever closer to the door of my bedroom, which stood only slightly ajar, I began to have second thoughts and my pace slowed to a crawl. I realized I was going up against an unknown foe and I had no idea what to expect from her, or it. I didn’t even know what she really was. Was Twilight a magical being or a wizard, casting a spell on me when the moon arrived in the night sky? Was she a ghost or an insect? For all I knew, she could be some kind of grotesque, anthropomorphic potato with a ravenous appetite for blood!

I knew that any of these things could lull me to sleep, work their way into my head and take absolute control while I lay unmoving, unaware of their presence. The very thought of a potato crawling into my head at night, digging and chewing on the soft and fragile tissues of my brain sent cold shivers down my back. My hair rushed towards the ceiling, desperately trying to free itself from my body and the perilous unknown that lay ahead. Shamefully, I too was preparing to turn around and run away, but soon stopped myself, for I knew that I had to confront whatever was on the other side of that door or I would be forever condemning myself to a life of boredom and oblivion. And that was a life I never wanted to live, not even for a second.

Well except for Tuesdays, anyway. Tuesday was couch potato night and boredom, oblivion, and frightening amounts of nachos are all essential components of a successful couch potato night. But on every other day of the week, I can plainly assure you, boredom and oblivion are part of a life I never wanted to live, not even for a second.

Breathing deeply, I gathered what little courage I had mustered and gently pushed the door open. It creaked loudly as it gradually swung inward and my eyes grew wide with wonder and even fear as, little by little, more of the quiet room inside was revealed.

At first, I stood frozen, fixing my gaze into the messy room. I could see nothing peculiar about the place. And aside from a creative assortment of half eaten muffins haphazardly spread around the area, it hadn’t changed much since I first moved here. The bulky white dresser now had a bright yellow lamp and a small round clock on top of it. And the window, with its flowing blue curtains pulled aside, let in a fat ray of beautiful light from the sun that fell down upon the surface of the bed, its dull grey sheets and pillows bundled against one corner of the plush surface.

It had always been my sanctuary, a place of artistic expression even, but now it was, without a doubt, a deathtrap. But I was too determined to save my freedom from the clutches of Twilight Sparkle’s grasp and so I swept away all the last traces of my apprehension.

“Oh my!” I said loudly, glancing quickly into each corner of the room. “I sure am tired from all that hard work I did today!”

I closed the door behind me and rushed to the window. And after yanking the curtains closed, I watched the beam of sunlight as it vanished completely, shifting the atmosphere of the room from a happy sanctuary to a dark and ominous cavern.

Perfect.

“I am going to bed now, for I am most certainly fatigued!”

I lifted the sheets and crawled under the mess of the covers, resting my head against one of the pillows and closing my eyes. But though it was comfortable, I refused to relax, tensing my muscles and pinning back my ears for even the slightest hint of my evil oppressor.

The gentle ticking of the clock engulfed the room.

Tick tick tick tick.

“Where are you Twilight?” I whispered.

Tick tick tick tick.

“What are you?”

Tick tick tick tick.

“Are you going to attack me?” I asked, my voice growing louder and more panic-stricken.

Tick tick tick.

“Are you going to bite me?”

Tick tick.

My eyes opened. “She’s going to bite me.”

Tick.

“YOU’RE GOING TO BITE ME, AREN’T YOU!?” I screamed, throwing off the covers and leaping out of bed. “I’M SORRY, TWILIGHT! PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!”

I yanked the door open, ran down the stairs and immediately crashed into the large table near the kitchen, knocking it over and sending me, the table and the letter still sitting on top of it hurtling to the ground.

Dazed and tangled amongst the wreckage of the now ruined table, I rubbed my head with my left foreleg and simultaneously looked at my right. To my absolute horror, my leg was scratched and bleeding!

“WHY TWILIGHT!?” I sobbed uncontrollably. “WHY WOULD YOU BITE ME!?”

Part of being a mailmare was getting bitten by large, aggressive dogs and animals and acquiring an assortment of elliptical red owies, so I was quite familiar with the appearance of a bite mark. But upon closer inspection, my injury didn’t really look like a bite mark. No, this owie was perfectly straight. It looked more like I had scratched my leg crashing into a very solid table, which admittedly, I had just done.

And so, realizing that I probably hadn’t been bitten and that Twilight probably hadn’t come out of hiding yet, I casually stopped sobbing and glanced to my left. Sitting amongst the pieces of broken table was a letter. It was the same letter that had started all of this and yet, it remained unopened. I was determined to change that.

Carefully lifting the flap of the envelope, I pulled out the letter and set it on the floor in front of me so I could properly read its contents.

To my faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle

I’m sure you’re curious as to why I chose to send this letter through the Royal Equestrian Mail Service, but I think that answer ought to be fairly obvious. And despite the rumour that the REMS is traditionally unreliable and slow, I have the utmost confidence that they will take better care of their princess’ mail.

I’m truly sorry to hear about Spike’s rather unfortunate stomach illness. And though I understand that you’re concerned about the dragon’s health, I can safely say that I did not need to know the finer details of his experience. Not now, nor ever, do I want to know what colour it is, what it smells like, how frequent it is, or anything else of that nature. And in regards to your enquiry, no Twilight. I absolutely forbid you from writing a scientific journal, a research paper, or anything else about the ordeal. And to tell you the absolute truth, I find the notion that you even considered creating such a thing, disturbing.

At any rate, I wish Spike well. Just tell him to stop eating rocks and I’m sure he will get better very soon.

As for you, it’s quite obvious that you could use a holiday. So contained within this envelope are two tickets to the Annual Magic Users Convention to be held at 5:00pm, the 23rd of April, here in Canterlot. It is a prestigious event, reserved for only the most reputable and influential unicorns, alicorns, and other magic users. And after all the amazing accomplishments you have made, I think you’ve earned the right to attend.

Please remember to wear the proper attire for the event and don’t forget to find someone to look after Spike while you’re away.

Your devoted mentor,
Princess Celestia

There were two things that became immediately apparent to me after reading that letter. The first was that my alter ego, Twilight Sparkle, was being invited to another undoubtedly awesome party. The second was that I needed to learn more about Twilight, so that I could impersonate her and go to this party myself.

I learned that she was Princess Celestia’s student, which was a very prestigious responsibility. I also knew that she was looking after or had otherwise enslaved a dragon, which was yet another awe-inspiring characteristic of my evil counterpart. And finally, I knew that she was a unicorn, alicorn, or some other competent magic user that had made numerous significant discoveries or accomplishments.

So basically, I learned that my doppelganger was awesome. Unfortunately, I already knew that. So if I wanted to attend that party, I would still have to find out what she looked like and what she actually did. Then I could properly masquerade as her and take back some of the priceless fun and entertainment she had been rudely stealing from me.

Well, surely gathering some light information about her won’t be a problem. I have lots of time. After all, the 23rd of April is…

I looked at the calendar hanging on the wall.

…today.

Today was indeed the 23rd of April, which meant that I had less than a day to prepare for the party. It also meant that the REMS had, unfortunately, been very careless with the princess’ mail. To me, it was almost unbelievable that they had done such a poor job of delivering such an important letter, but it was delivered to the right place in the end, so I suppose it was a forgivable mistake.

Pulling myself out of the wreckage of the table, I glanced over to the clock on the wall. It was early in the morning, but I would still have to be very efficient if I wanted to attend the party. I needed to find some way to gather enough information on Twilight, disguise myself as her, and arrive at Canterlot for five o’clock.

Of course, the fastest way of obtaining information about Twilight would be to ask the all-knowing pink demon, but I wasn’t willing to risk my life like that again. Instead, I opted to ask some of the other ponies around town. If I was fortunate enough, I would still learn something about her and have enough time left over to prepare for the party.

So with not a moment to lose, I slung the mailbag back over my back, placed both the letter and the two tickets inside of the bag, and wandered out the front door. To my surprise, standing directly across the street from my house was a light blue pegasus with a striking, multicoloured mane and tail. This mare was better known around town as Rainbow Dash, vigilant spectator of the skies and obnoxious protector of egotism.

And while my description of her is perhaps proof enough, I confess I was never incredibly fond of Rainbow Dash. She was a show-off, always trying to make it look like she was better than everyone else. However, that part of her personality wasn’t actually what bugged me. It was something else, something tragic and heartbreaking that happened nearly a year ago.

I was going to the local bakery, a pleasant little shop owned and operated by the equally pleasant, Mr. and Mrs. Cake. Regrettably, that sinister pink witch of a pony also worked there from time to time, making my weekly visits a life-threatening wager, but as long as I arrived during her absence the journey was always worth its weight in gold and my fear of the pink pony would quickly slip to the furthest reaches of my mind. My visits were so valuable to me because that bakery, Mr. and Mrs. Cake’s beloved bakery, was the only place in Ponyville that I could find my one true love. Inside that bakery was something so beautiful and amazing that even Celestia herself could not compare. Inside that bakery were the most delectable treats in the world… muffins.

And Mr. and Mrs. Cake baked the most undeniably scrumptious muffins! They were incomprehensibly amazing, much better than anything I had ever tasted! Soon enough, it had become a weekly necessity for me to buy dozens of these muffins in all sorts, shapes, and sizes. But it was because they were so incredible and because they had become such an essential part of my life that I always had this horrible rumbling feeling in my heart that, one day, my true love would leave me... And on that one warm, innocent summer day, my greatest fear became reality. For when I walked into the bakery, with a smile on my face and a pair of massive bags slung over my back to hold a great bounty of the delicious treats, I heard this conversation.

“No, no. I don’t like muffins. They’re totally gross!” a voice complained. “Don’t you have anything else?”

I stopped. My mouth fell wide open and my legs started to tremble. Gross..?

A voice I recognized as Mrs. Cake’s quickly responded. “I’m sorry dear, but we just don’t have time in the morning to make more than one thing for breakfast.”

“Then why don’t you make something new for a change?” the voice continued. “You could make bagels! Bagels are great and they’re so cool! They’re like doughnuts, but you can toast them and put butter or jam or anything you like on them!”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! Bagels!?

“Oh dear, I don’t know…” Mrs. Cake hesitated. “I think most ponies prefer our muffins.”

I felt myself relax a little. My mouth finally closed shut and my body stopped shaking, but I was still worried. They would never stop selling muffins, would they?

“Oh come on!” The strange voice persisted. “Everypony got sick last time you made muffins!”

“Well, everypony makes mistakes sometimes…” Mrs. Cake intervened with a trace of regret in her tone.

“Yeah, but everypony’s tired of those old things!” the voice interjected. “You know, I bet business would really pick up if you started baking something else. We all need some change in our lives every once in a while. I mean, you’re probably pretty sick of baking muffins all the time. I bet you would really like making something new.”

Following the stranger’s argument, there was long period of silence that filled the room. My body started to shake again. It sounded almost as if Mrs. Cake was actually thinking about making bagels! But more importantly, it almost sounded as if she was going to stop making muffins!

“I suppose you’re right.” Mrs. Cake finally admitted. “Tomorrow, I’ll start making bagels instead. It’ll be nice to make something else for a change.”

No… that’s… that’s impossible…

I wanted to say something. I wanted to scream and shout and stop her! She couldn’t just stop making muffins! But I was helpless to the cruelty of the world around me. I was so traumatized that I couldn’t do a single thing. My body froze, my vision blurred and soon enough the whole bakery faded into a bizarre darkness.

I awoke on the cold floor of the bakery only a few moments later. A rainbow-coloured pony was standing over me, looking down at me. She actually seemed worried and even asked if I was okay, but the only thing I cared about was the muffins. I asked her if there were any left. She simply shook her head. It felt like someone had kicked me hard in the stomach and I curled into a tight ball on the floor, ignoring the pony above me. My vision faded again and before long, I fell unconscious once more. And for the second time in my life, I awoke at home on the soft bed in my room with a note on my bedside table.

You must have gotten really sick from those muffins. Don’t worry. I talked to Mrs. Cake about it already. They’re not going to make muffins anymore. They’re going to make bagels instead.

Your saviour,
Rainbow Dash

Rainbow Dash… She ruined my one true love and though I eventually learned how to bake my own muffins, they were never quite the same as the delicacies that once filled my life with such immense joy. I eternally loathed her for what she did to me. Regrettably however, I needed her help now, so I put all my past feelings aside and started to approach her with a big, fake smile on my face.

“Why hello there, Rainbow Dash!” I cheerfully exclaimed, walking quickly towards her. “How are you today?”

At the moment, she was standing in front of one of the many public bulletin boards positioned around town. Typically, these were used for announcements, but ponies would also use them as a sort of free classifieds. They would put things up for sale, list job openings or ask for volunteers for help with events like the Sisterhooves Social.

“Not too good, actually.” she said, maintaining her focus on the bulletin board.

On her back was a pair of heavy saddlebags, each full to the brim with large sheets of paper. In the silence that followed her response, Rainbow Dash reached into one of the bags, pulled out one of the sheets of paper and affixed it firmly to the center of the bulletin board. She then slowly backed away and turned around, letting me see both her face and what she had just put up. She looked very angry.

“Some… jerk has been spreading rumours.” she fumed, furrowing her brow and very nearly foaming at the mouth.

Turning to look at the text on the poster attached to the bulletin board, I quickly learned exactly why she was so angry:

Rainbow Dash is NOT a fillyfooler!

This was then followed by a large picture of Rainbow Dash, passionately saluting the viewer for absolutely no reason I could possibly understand, and then some more text:

This has been an important public service announcement from Rainbow Dash!

I smirked.

“It’s NOT funny!” she intervened. “And when I find out who’s responsible for this, I… I…I don’t even know what I’m going to do to them!”

I actually knew who had been spreading this rumour, but I was definitely never going to tell her that. You see, in an effort to teach the poor, obnoxious and misguided pegasus in front of me a lesson for what she had done to my precious muffins, I had grown an immature habit of trying to get on her nerves whenever possible. In other words, I had started playing a series of pranks on her, starting with the classic ‘bag of flaming doodie on the doorstep’ and eventually working my way up to this, my most recent scheme.

I had, through my own clever means, distributed similar posters to the ones Rainbow Dash had made and posted just now. However, the posters I created said quite the opposite. They were made to convince everypony that she was none other than a jester! I wanted everypony to think she was a clumsy oaf! A clown! A FILLYFOOLER! And what a joy it was to see how angry Rainbow Dash was about the whole situation!

“You wouldn’t believe what some ponies have been asking… or doing to me lately…” the irritated pegasus continued, covering her eyes with a hoof. “This is even worse than when somepony threw a flaming bag of crap through my window. I mean, what kind of pony even does something like that anyway?”

Oh, that’s right. Due to some unforeseen circumstances, the flaming bag of doodie just kept falling through the cloud that was Rainbow Dash’s doorstep. So instead, I had thrown the bag into an open window. It essentially accomplished the same thing, right?

Meanwhile, I was smirking and biting my tongue, frantically trying to prevent myself from laughing out loud.

Only adding to her frustration, and to my shear delight, a stout, pale green stallion walked by the bulletin board, stopped briefly to look at the poster, and then continued on down the street with a tremendous smirk decorating his face.

“Yeah right, whatever you say Rainbow Dash.” he chuckled, rolling his eyes at the pegasus as he walked by.

“YOU WANNA SAY THAT TO MY FACE, WISE GUY!?” Rainbow Dash fumed, waving her hoof in the air and sending the offending pony scrambling away from her as if the enraged mare was literally breathing fire on his tail.

When he had disappeared out of sight, Rainbow Dash let out a heavy sigh and slowly rubbed her eyes. By now, I realized I had probably gone too far with my little joke, but it was difficult to be empathetic with a pony painted in more elaborate colours than a carnival tent. She even looked like a clown.

“You know that, even as a small filly, I’ve always dreamed of being in the Wonderbolts, right Derpy?” she asked quietly, her mood picking up slightly. “Well to tell the truth, I’m not really all that interested in being an ace flyer or an acrobat of the sky or anything like that…”

“You’re not?” I asked, honestly surprised by what she had revealed.

“No.” she answered frankly, letting a smile work its way across her lips. “I’m more interested in something else. You see, all my life, I’ve always wanted to be a real first-class player and I think being a part of the Wonderbolts, even just for a few days, would really boost my social standing, maybe give me a couple awesome stories to tell. But now…”

She sighed again.

“Well let’s just say this whole fillyfooler mishap is attracting the wrong crowd.” she declared with a frown.

“A player?” I asked, still not quite picking up what she was putting down.

“Oh come on, Derpy. Don’t play dumb with me.” she said, simultaneously smirking and winking back at me. “A charmer, a debonair, a real smooth talker… I want to travel the globe and be the kind of mare that’s always getting some of that juicy stallion rump, if you catch my drift.”

She grinned tidily, winked at me more times than I could count and gave me a few gentle nudges to the ribs.

“You want to be a cannibal!?” I asked.

The colourful pegasus stopped what she was doing and just glared at me before asking, “Is there a reason you came over here, Derpy?”

“Oh! Yeah!” I said. “I wanted to ask you about a pony named-”

I paused and cemented a sober look onto my face, taking a quick glance around to make sure nopony else was watching or listening to our conversation.

“Twilight Sparkle.” I whispered, leaning forward.

“What?” she asked.

She seemed genuinely confused by my question, but I could understand her reaction. I had even expected that kind of reaction from her or anypony else for that matter. This Twilight Sparkle was truly a mare of mystery.

I repeated, “I want to ask yo-”

“Yeah, yeah, I heard you.” she smiled. “I just don’t get why you’re whispering and looking around like that. Are you feeling alright?”

“Rainbow Dash, my entire life may depend on the next words that come out of that mouth of yours and I’ll be damned if I let you toss away my existence for another one of your childish jokes!”

For a moment after that, there was complete silence. Obviously the mare, currently in a state of shock, was finally beginning to understand the gravity of the situation. I just hoped she had something useful to tell me.

But just as she was about to open her mouth, we were curtly interrupted.

“Oh Rainbow Dash, I’m so glad I found you!” a rather timid voice sounded out from behind me.

“Oh, hi- WOAH! What in Celestia happened to you, Fluttershy!?” the mare replied, her eyes like saucers, fixated on the pony speedily approaching us.

Upset that I had been interrupted, but somewhat interested in why this pony had caused such a dramatic change in Rainbow Dash’s attitude, I turned around. Approaching us was a female pegasus. On her head and tail was that dreaded pink colour I found so insufferable, but what was more interesting was her delicate yellow coat, which was literally printed with elliptical red owies. There must have been at least three dozen of these wounds on the pegasus, but they were very small and didn’t look to be all that painful.

“It was horrible.” Fluttershy said.

Her words were weak, but hastened. A dim sense of panic seemed to weave itself into her voice as she spoke.

“I was in my garden, tending to all the pretty flowers and yummy vegetables, when something strange crawled out of the bushes to my right.” she continued. “It was a tiny little turtle, about the size of a coin, and he was slowly crawling towards me. He was just so adorable; I didn’t think I’d ever seen such a little turtle. But before I could get a proper look at him, I heard a rustling on my left and I was surprised to see that there were two more little turtles, just like the one on my right. They seemed to be multiplying. But I thought they might just be hungry, so I smiled at them and turned around to get some food out of my cottage.

“And that’s when it happened… Behind me, there were a dozen more of the little turtles and they were beginning to circle around me. Rainbow Dash, I was such a fool! Until just then, I didn’t even realize that they were snapping turtles!”

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow, “So?”

“And then they attacked.” Fluttershy continued softly, her eyes wide with fear. “It was horrible! I screamed and screamed at the top of lungs for someone to help me, but no one came to my rescue! No one came to save me from the turtles! I couldn’t believe it! I was screaming so loud, just like this…”

Perhaps it was because she was such a quiet and timid pony, even when describing a vicious attack, or maybe it was because Rainbow Dash was rolling her eyes and not even really paying attention, but I can’t honestly say that either of us were prepared for that demonstration. It was the most ear-shattering, mountain-crumbling shriek I had ever heard. It was the kind of high-pitched scream that a pony would let loose if they were cornered and about to be throttled by a blood-thirsty, knife-wielding maniac!

Fortunately, it didn’t last for long, because Rainbow Dash almost immediately leapt forward and tackled the otherwise quiet mare, throwing her to the ground and using her cyan coloured hooves to cover her mouth tightly. The two pegasi remained this way for nearly a full minute before the multicoloured pony was convinced that Fluttershy wouldn’t scream again and lifted her hoof off the pony’s mouth.

“I think I have rabies…” Fluttershy reluctantly confessed.

“Oh you’ll be alright,” I reassured, “they just stab you with this really big needle and then you’re cured!”

Unfortunately, I think my support had the wrong effect on the pegasus, because she squeaked and slumped against Rainbow Dash’s shoulder lifelessly.

“Oh great.” the more colourful and conscious mare sighed. “Listen Derpy, I don’t know what you want, but I don’t really have time to help you right now. Why don’t you just go ask Twi yourself? She lives in the library down the street. It’s a big tree. You’ll find it.”

After having said this, she pulled her limp friend into the sky and flew off in the direction of the nearest medical facility, the multicoloured pegasus looking as if she were having some difficulty keeping both the heavy sacks of paper and the pink haired pony aloft.

I felt a grin work its way across my face. It was time to venture into the very heart of my doppelganger’s malevolence and find the truth behind her bizarre existence.

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Author's Notes:

Hello everyone! I’ve been a little busy lately, so this chapter took a little longer to get out than I would have liked, but I hope you enjoyed it nevertheless.

I’d like to give a quick shout out to both my editor, Specter Von Baren, and my prereader, themadkossak. You’ve both been a really big help with this story.

If you have any questions or comments about the story, feel free to email me at admin@theamberfox.ca. I also keep a close eye on the comments below, so you can reach me there too.

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Disclaimer:

“My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” and its derivatives are the sole intellectual property of Hasbro©. I do not have, nor claim to have, the rights to the intellectual property that this story is based on.

Chapter 3

The Mailmare
By theamberfox

Chapter 3

I was quite pleased with my progress. I had obtained the necessary information to continue with my search. I knew where my doppelganger resided, or at least where she kept her belongings, and now, as I headed down the street towards the enormous tree, I was confident that I would soon find everything I needed.

But when I arrived at what was apparently supposed to be Twilight’s home, I couldn’t help but stop and contemplate its very existence. Why hadn’t I noticed this place before? It’s true that at first glance, it appeared to be mere foliage, but while a lesser pony might be fooled by this simple deception, I was much too clever to be tricked so easily. There were so many obvious windows and balconies. There was even a path leading to a bright red door at its entrance and a big sign with a book on it that advertised to passersby that it was undoubtedly a library. In addition, it’s not as if I had never been here before. I recognized all of the houses around it and even the very shape of this odd tree.

Given my superior reasoning and flawless observational skills, the only logical explanation seemed to be that Twilight had cast a magnificent spell to conceal her residence and it was now only visible to a pony passing by if they knew for sure that it was supposed to be there. In every other situation, it would appear as if it were only a simple tree, with no characteristics of a house whatsoever. Yes, that seemed much more reasonable than the ridiculous notion that I was so clueless I had actually mistook this obvious library structure to be just a big tree.

Satisfied with my conclusion I started to approach the front door, but soon stopped. No, I can’t use the front door, or any door for that matter. That’s exactly what she wants me to do!

The Twilight I knew was much too clever, too evil to just let me in the front door. There would certainly be a trap, some kind of horrible trench waiting for me on the other side, filled with rusty nails, venomous snakes, burning fire or those treacherous bagels! But though Twilight was indeed clever, she would never be clever enough to fool this mare into meeting her end in a pit of terrible dough rings.

As an alternative, I decided to enter through one of the large windows, waiting until nopony was looking before I tried forcing it open. To my dismay, it was either securely locked or the kind of window that would never actually open for me. But I wasn’t about to give up and I tried another window and another until every view port had been checked and discovered to be firmly locked.

I glared at the tree. She’s mocking me. She wants me to give in and use the front door, but that will never happen.

She was all too crafty, this Twilight Sparkle, but I wouldn’t let myself be stopped by a simple lock.

“I will never fall easy prey to your traps!” I said, aiming a persecuting hoof at Twilight’s house. “Nor will I back down from a challenge!”

Soaring a short distance away from the tree, I glanced over the library once more. And after taking a deep breath, I surged forward, crashing full force into the largest window, shattering the glass and colliding into a dense wall of books. The barricade of literature exploded and books flew in every direction, making a complete mess of the library and leaving me with an adrenaline rush and a slight headache from the impact.

At first, I had felt bad about the mess. Even if this was my evil alter ego’s house, it still wasn’t very nice to break somepony’s window and throw their books all over the floor. But then I realized that this was my house, so why did it matter what I did to it? After all, Twilight Sparkle may have bought and lived in this strange tree house, but she did so using my money and my body, so it’s only fair that I should get to break a window and make a mess of the place every once in a while.

Well that was all very reassuring, but now I faced a different problem. Why did Twilight Sparkle live in a library with all these books anyway?

Fortunately however, my excellent deductive skills had yet again reached a spontaneous and perfectly reasonable conclusion. Twilight Sparkle is a philosopher.

It explained why she had so many books; philosophers were stern intellectuals. And being a philosopher was also the perfect excuse to do wild and radical things. Philosophers were powerful thinkers. But to be a powerful thinker, one must first live intense experiences thwarting crime, making astounding accomplishments in the field of magic, and attending magnificent parties in their most wild and uncontrollable state.

Similar to my opinion of every philosopher in this country, I now had every reason to believe that my doppelganger was a truly terrible monster. She was trying to do something far worse than ruin my life; my life was meaningless to her. She was trying to take over the world! She was siphoning knowledge and power from the princess herself and soon she would have enough power to overthrow the kingdom!

But amid this frightening conclusion, I felt a wave of reassurance wash over me. Twilight would never actually take over the world. That would simply be ridiculous. Why? Because I wasn’t about to let that happen.

From this point forward, I was not attending this party for myself. I was attending this party for the freedom of the entire world! I had to find some way to ruin Twilight’s reputation and make the princess disown her as a student. Only then, would she lose her connection to the alicorn and her ability to gain the valuable knowledge that she needed to take over the world. But before I could do any of that, I needed to learn how to act like a philosopher.

I scoured the pile around me for something that would teach me about philosophy. But when I had only just barely begun my search, the worst possible scenario occurred.

My Twilight’s dragon slave had stumbled upon me.

“Oh my gosh! Are you okay?” the little scaly fiend asked, feigning his curiosity and concern as he worked his way down the staircase, brandishing his terrible gnashing teeth like knives.

Although, in his current state he didn’t look quite as threatening as I had originally anticipated. He was wrapped in a blanket and his face was very queer. Celestia had spoken of the dragon having some stomach illness in her letter, but I wasn’t sure what to make of him. Whenever I had a stomach illness, which happened more often then I would like to admit, I spent the day in the facilities. It was like a little private resort, but with a lot more porcelain and a lot less fun. So although I had actually expected the dragon to be here, I had not expected him to stumble upon me, but rather be restrained to the facilities for the entirety of my visit.

“Uhhh…” I hesitated, trying to stall for more time.

My excellent mind was failing me when I needed it most. What if this dragon attacked me? What would I do then? I couldn’t just give up when the world needed me!

However, it then occurred to me that this dragon was, in the end, a slave. He was being used by Twilight Sparkle, just as I had been for who knows how long. If I could convince him that I was here to save him, then maybe, just maybe, he would help me.

“Little one! I am here to rescue you from the tyranny of your tyrannical tyrant!” I announced, slipping several times as I tried to clamber over the precarious stack of books and pose heroically before him.

“What?” he asked.

“Never fear, for I am not the one to be fearful of! I have come to stop Twilight Sparkle’s reign of terror upon all who fear her!” I raised a hoof in the air majestically, but immediately lost my balance on one of the larger books and fell squarely on my face.

“What… WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!? Twilight, what did you put in that medicine!?” the dragon screamed, dropping his blanket and hurrying back up the stairs into the bathroom.

It hadn’t worked quite the way I had planned, but for now, it would suffice. Nevertheless, I tried to ignore the unsettling noises now coming from the bathroom upstairs and continued my search for a book on philosophy.

The first book I found was called ‘The Foal’s Guide to Philosophy’, but I was no foal, so I kept searching.

The second book was called ‘The Art of Philosophy’. This book seemed much more appropriate for a pony of my stature, so I scooped it up and threw it in my bag. I was sure Twilight wouldn’t mind if I borrowed just one of her books. In any case, she had probably bought them all with what was originally my money.

Now all I had left to do was find a picture of Twilight Sparkle and I could return to my house and prepare. And what better place was there to search than her bedroom? Surely my villainous alter ego would be just as egotistical as she was sharp. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if I found a ten foot tall statue of her surrounded by glowing candles and offerings of food and coin. In fact, I expected a brilliant alter of her narcissism.

Although, what I saw was quite strange and very different from what I anticipated. Twilight had a very large, comfortable looking bed in her room, but why would she ever need such a thing? I thought that it must be purely for aesthetic purposes and perhaps the odd minute or two of relaxation in her exhilarating life. She also had a large vanity, covered with several different jars, combs, and tubes of strange pastes. And by her bedside, she had a table not entirely unlike mine. On this table was a picture of her and Princess Celestia along with a book titled ‘My Diary’.

Though I was happy I had found what I was looking for, my mood sunk when I saw what Twilight actually looked like. She was a purple unicorn! Every bit of her was undeniably purple and she had a big horn sticking out of the top of her head! How was I supposed to pretend to be a purple unicorn!?

Concerned, but not willing to give up, I plopped the photo of the unicorn and her mentor into my bag. This was certainly going to make it more difficult for me, but it wasn’t an impossible task. I would just have to find some way to change my colour and grow a horn before five o’clock. Twilight Sparkle did it every single night. Why wouldn’t I be able to do it just this once?

Perhaps, I thought, this “My Diary” book can help me learn how she changes so drastically and perfectly night after night.

I flipped open the book to a random page.

Dear Dairy,

I HATE ASPARAGUS! I HATE IT SO MUCH!!! It’s so green! Why is it so green!? Of course, there’s that white asparagus too, BUT IT’S NOT FOOLING ANYPONY!!! It’s just as terrible as the rest of those horrible, tiny leafed, green monsters…

These strange ramblings seemed to continue on for several more pages, so I skipped past and flipped to a different, more recent part of the book, still intent on finding something useful inside the book.

Dear Dairy,

Today was just terrible! Spike caught me dying my hair! Now he knows! No one can ever know that I actually have blonde hair! Haven’t you heard those jokes they tell!? They say things like,

“If both a blonde and a brunette fell off the top of a building, who would hit the ground first? The brunette, the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions on the way!”

You see!? I can’t be blonde! Blondes are stereotypically regarded as stupid! I’m not stupid!

I tried explaining this all to Spike, of course, but he just laughed! Can you believe that!? He laughed! It’s not funny!

But it’s okay, there’s no need to panic. I found a spell that will wipe his recent memory. He won’t even remember catching me dying my hair in the first place. It’s odd though, it says that a side effect of the spell is that whomever it is cast upon will start to like eating rocks. What’s that all about? I guess that means I’d better pretend that it’s actually ‘normal’ for dragons to like eating rocks.

Regardless, I’m going to make sure the bathroom door is locked before I start dying my hair. I’m also going to hide all my dyes inside the drawer of my vanity so he never finds them.

I slammed the cover of the book closed. The nerve of that Twilight Sparkle! How dare she think that blondes are dumb!? Did she not know that I, a blonde, was the inventor of the cabbage bran muffin, a scrumptious delight that critics have regarded as “a perilous unknown that leaves all whom explore it, incapacitated in a gutter, pleading for a stomach pump”!?

I sighed. I suppose this did actually help my situation. Now I just needed to take the hair dyes out of her vanity and I could match Twilight’s bright purple visage without exerting too much effort on my part.

And with the dyes placed safely in my bag, I believed I had everything I needed to attend the party except a horn and, as the princess requested, something nice to wear. But because I didn’t exactly know what philosophers were supposed to wear, I thought it was best not to take something from Twilight’s house and instead, simply use something of my own. I wouldn’t want to be caught out in the streets hauling an entire wardrobe of dresses out of somepony else’s home. Even if it was technically all my stuff, other ponies would think I was very strange.

When I arrived back at my humble abode, the first thing I did was dump all the contents of my bag onto the floor. Normally, I would have emptied it all onto the tabletop, but that was significantly more difficult to do at the moment since it was still in pieces from my unfortunate blunder earlier in the day. All the same, the following items fell out of my bag: a letter from Princess Celestia, the two tickets to the Annual Magic Users Convention, several differently coloured hair dyes and pastes, a picture of Twilight Sparkle standing next to the princess, and a book entitled “The Art of Philosophy”.

Eager to get to work and not wanting to waste any time, I yanked the top off of one of the jars of hair dye and subsequently watched as it slipped out of my grasp and dropped to the floor, spilling the majority of its contents and making a terrible mess of my kitchen.

Curses! That precious purple dye was a fundamental part of my plan. If I didn’t have the proper disguise, I would have no chance of destroying Twilight’s relationship with the princess and saving Equestria from the stranglehold of tyrants.

Glancing once at the picture of Twilight, I realized exactly what I had to do. I threw myself on the floor and began furiously rolling around in the purple puddle. But it wasn’t long after I had started rolling around like a pig in the mud that all the dye had been sopped up. And after looking in the mirror nearby and noticing that I had just barely covered half of the dull, grey hair on my body, I was completely overcome with terror.

I couldn’t show up to the party with such strange splotches of grey matting my new beautiful violet coat. I need to improvise!

I quickly threw open the cupboards and began searching for everything that had even a hint of purple in it, immediately throwing it all into a pile on the floor.

Purple pen ink? Perfect! Blueberries, grapes, plums? Mostly purple! Flowers? More or less, purple! Soap? Close enough!

And before I even had time to understand what I was even doing, I had collected an alarmingly massive pile of purple, blue and red objects on the floor. But that still wasn’t good enough!

I can’t dye my coat with this mess! It needs to be… combined somehow.

I frantically stomped on these purplish things, desperately trying to mash them into a fine, purple paste. It was somewhat painful to see so many of my belongings being maliciously destroyed like that, but it was all for the greater good. At least it was all for the greater good until another purple object caught my eye.

Oh…

It was mocking me, that thing. It was mocking me because it was the second jar of purple hair dye, a jar that was in every way identical to the last except that it had not yet been spilled on the floor and rolled around in by an idiot.

I looked down at my hooves and the purple disaster I was currently standing on. I’ll just have to clean that up a little later…

I pushed that horrible, gelatinous blob of purple into the corner of the kitchen and opened the second jar of hair dye, making sure not to spill it this time. After that was done, the rest of the process went swimmingly. Even when it came to dyeing my mane and tail to match the photo, with those dazzling stripes down the center, it was a relatively simple task.

The only part that was difficult was recreating that odd cutie mark on her flank. It was the most peculiar and complicated thing! Why in the world would a pony named ‘Twilight Sparkle’ have a compass rose as her cutie mark? Furthermore, why would she have a compass rose with the wrong number of points on it? Everypony knows that a compass rose has four major points, not six! What was that even supposed to symbolize, confusion? If anything, it only strengthened my opinion that Twilight was truly an otherworldly being with a deficient knowledge of the world she was trying to take over. Sure, she had done a pretty good job of deceiving the world up until now, but that was all because I wasn’t involved. Now that I was involved, things were about to change.

Alas, I could not reach far enough to accurately paint the image on my flank. But that didn’t stop me from devising a cunning solution to my problem. I painted the image of her cutie mark on the wall and, before I allowed it to dry, I pressed my flank up against it, twice for each side. The result wasn’t very clear and was even completely mirrored from the original picture, but I doubted anyone would really notice the difference. At least, they wouldn’t notice as much as I would notice that horrible multicoloured stain left on my otherwise white wall.

With that done, it was time to gain some philosophical knowledge from the literature I had borrowed. Of course, I didn’t have time to read the entire two hundred-page epic, but I was confident that two or three pages, starting with the cover, would be more than enough.

The Art of Philosophy, written by Princess Trollestia

Although I despised philosophers, they were wretched, conniving creatures that were always doing what they called ‘disproving my logic’, which was essentially embarrassing me in front of my peers, seeing that this book was written by a princess made me slightly less wary of their kind and much more ready to believe the words contained within it. Princesses were always the most honest, knowledgeable, and trustworthy of ponies. Surely a princess would never succumb to the evil that overtook so many of the philosophers I had met, the ones that said such things as, “Derpy, you cannot sell air as your occupation, it is not something that can be bought or sold.” and “Derpy, you mustn’t lure others into your pyramid scheme, it is immoral.”

Chapter 1 – The Basics of All Philosophers

Ah! This first chapter seemed to conveniently outline what I needed to know in a few simple steps. This was certainly enough to firmly grasp what a philosopher did.

1. All philosophers must wear a suit and tie at all times and, if appropriate, a large top hat, for that is the way of the philosopher.

That seemed to be perfectly sound advice. Dress snappy and you won’t sound crappy. The book also explained that this point was further illustrated later on, but I didn’t have time to bother with the question of ‘why’.

2. All philosophers must always ask ‘why’, for that is the way of the philosopher.

I almost laughed out loud. What nonsense! What use was there in knowing ‘why’ when one can take action instead?

3. All philosophers must speak in a strong, incomprehensible accent laced with many complicated and lengthy words, for that is the way of the philosopher.

Unlike the last point, this actually made sense. Philosophers, however cruel and conniving, were intelligent creatures. Luckily for me, I was already well-versed in a strong, incomprehensible accent laced with many complicated and lengthy words. I knew the Queen’s English.

4. All philosophers must be able to justify their actions through interpretive dance, for that is the way of the philosopher.

Yes, this last point was the bee’s knees, the cat’s pyjamas, the icing on the cake! Many times before, I had seen philosophers leaping and bounding about like they were possessed, but in reality, they were only justifying their actions through interpretive dance, a truly necessary art for a cunning intellectual.

Although there were a few more points, I felt I had learned everything there was to know about philosophers, so I slammed the book closed and turned to the mirror. Presently, I looked like a bizarre, winged, hornless version of Twilight, which simply wouldn’t do. The book had told me that I was supposed to wear a suit, tie, and even a top hat, which was actually perfect. As well as providing me with appropriate attire for the occasion, I could hide my wings beneath the suit jacket and my non-existent horn under my hat. And as long as I never took off my top hat, no one would know that I was missing the signature feature of a unicorn.

Being the stylish young pegasus that I was, I didn’t even have to leave the house to find these things. I simply moved back to my room and swung open the closet door. Inside was a wide variety of admittedly underused suits from my days as a professional philanthropist. Grabbing a striking, pitch black suit, matching top hat and a red tie that perfectly clashed with the ensemble, I was now completely prepared for the Annual Magic Users Convention.

I smiled at the mirror in front of me. I almost felt bad for Twilight, my evil, conniving alter ego that was trying to take over the world. She wouldn’t even know what hit her.

When I arrived at the castle, however, I found the atmosphere of the event to be rather unsettling. The sun hung low in the orange sky, its glorious light reflecting off the palace windows in a magnificent fashion. A diverse gathering of unicorns were scattered throughout the colourful courtyard, conversing pleasantly with each other, sampling hors d’oeuvres and generally looking to be having a good time. Worst of all, these unicorns were dressed in very formal attire, making even me, in all my supreme grace, look hideously underdressed.

Moving my eyes slowly around the scene, I prepared myself for the daunting task that lay ahead. I had to assimilate myself into this group and gain their acceptance before I could pull the rug out from beneath their hooves and desecrate the evil Twilight Sparkle’s position as Celestia’s student, thus saving the world from disaster. But while this goal ran through my mind, something unusual popped out of the corner of my vision. Hiding in the crowd, one pony stood tall like a brilliant silver statue, defying everypony else in a way I previously thought unimaginable. She was wearing a magnificent violet hat and cape, with a shining crystal broach, a mixture of soft green and blue. The material on her garments was dotted with an assortment of cyan and yellow stars in all sizes, with both items resting carefully on an otherwise unimpressive, light bluish mare with a striped silver mane and tail.

I realized it was really only her clothing that I thought to be so fascinating and, moreover, only because it reminded me of some kind of great superhero, like the amazing mare in my dreams who had fought the evil ‘Salmonella’. But with the image of righteous justice now plastered in my mind, I had no choice but to set my priorities aside, confront this pony and ask her where exactly she had obtained this fantastic hat and cape. Before I was able to do so, however, she gazed in my direction and a dastardly smile crossed her lips.

“Ah ha!” she shouted triumphantly. “The Great and Powerful Trixie knew you would be here, Twilight Sparkle!”

She said my name, or rather my doppelganger’s name with such malice. Her tongue seemed to pierce my soul and dig into my very essence.

I changed my mind. I didn’t want to talk to her anymore, though I quickly realized a conversation with this individual was perhaps inevitable. Against my will, this strange acquaintance of Twilight’s charged towards me.

Drawing ever closer, she cried out once again, “Trixie has a score to settle wi-”

And stopping, frozen directly in front of me, her expression changed completely. For a moment, she said nothing at all, just staring at me like there was something incredibly wrong with my appearance. It was disquieting. I wondered if I had forgotten something. Had I missed some hugely important part of Twilight’s facade?

But I had barely enough time to think, let alone reach a proper conclusion as, after a moment or two, she flatly asked, “You’re not Twilight Sparkle are you?”

My following actions were mindless, drenched in adrenaline, saturated with the Queen’s English. I leapt forward and tackled the unicorn, throwing her to the ground and bracing her tightly there with my hooves. Her hat flew off in the commotion, revealing her dazzling horn and landing in a starry lump to my right.

“WHO ARE YOU!? Her spy? Her ASSASSIN? HUH!?” I glared into her quivering eyes. “Who told you? How did you know? HUH!? Speak to me! TELL ME!”

She was visibly shaken now and her pupils shrunk to the back of her skull. “I… I saw… I mean… your eyes are…”

It had been unwise to confront this mare in public. The other unicorns were staring at us now. I should have led her into a dark alley first.

“…weird…” she finished.

“OH!” I exclaimed vociferously.

How in the world could I forget to take those out?

I stepped away from the mare and chuckled to myself. “My sincerest apologies miss!”

I extended my hoof towards her. After a moment’s hesitation, she grabbed onto it and pulled herself out of the dirt.

The crowd, though noticeably unsettled, slowly returned back to their light conversations. Many of the more disturbed guests started to move towards the building and passed the two guards standing at its entrance, flashing their tickets as they entered.

The angered mare beside me, however, simply picked her hat of the ground, dusted herself off, and plopped the magnificent purple thing back on her head. At the same time, I plucked out my contact lenses and slid them nonchalantly into my coat pocket.

“Wait…” the mare asked, dropping all of her resentment and looking at me even more strangely than before, “you don’t mean to tell Trixie that you’ve just been wearing contact lenses?”

I nodded. “Oh yes, quite.”

“And that you’re eyes are perfectly normal… when you’re not wearing them.”

“Indeed.” I confirmed again.

“Why?” she asked quizzically.

“Well, I happen to use the contact lenses to make my eyes look funny, out of place if you will.”

“No, no, Trixie wishes to know why you want your eyes to look funny.” she asked. “Why do you wear those contact lenses if they only make your eyes look deranged?”

My face contorted. What an absolutely bizarre question. Wasn’t it obvious?

“To fool the pink one…” I said with a generous amount of condescension.

“What?”

It seemed my superior ingenuity was far too vast for her to comprehend. I suppose that was to be expected. Even the most brilliant minds are baffled by my wisdom.

I tried to think of a way to dumb down my answer even further. But how could I explain? How could I tell her that, after my encounter with the pink daemon, I used the contacts to pretend I was a half-wit? How could I put into plain words that if the pink pony believed I was stupid, she wouldn’t bother trying to brainwash me? How could I communicate that the lenses were on sale for a third of the listed price at the Canterlot Department Store? You just can’t beat those kinds of savings!

Finally, I knew what I had to do. I had to follow my instruction and the way of the philosopher. I had to justify my actions through interpretive dance!

I flailed my hoofs wildly in the air and spun in place. I could feel my mane and tail flowing majestically in the cool breeze. It was breathtaking. I was truly an extraordinary dancer!

“Look!” I shouted. “Look at what I am doing!”

But my dancing was too much for her. She couldn’t handle my elegance and was transfixed, completely motionless with an expression of awe and wonder painted heavily upon her face.

“Do you understand now?” I sung out.

But she seemed confused. “What? No!”

Why oh why did I have to be such an excellent dancer!? She was too amazed by my dancing prowess that she couldn’t focus. She couldn’t grasp the true meaning behind my movements!

“Forget it!” she interrupted. “The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn’t care! She would rather know why you’re pretending to be Twilight Sparkle.”

Defeated, I stopped my display of shear beauty. Planting all four hooves firmly on the ground, I turned back towards her.

“Ah! You see, I’m trying to ruin her reputation and disown her as Princess Celestia’s pupil.” I stated matter-of-factly, astutely maintaining my strong accent in the process.

The unicorn’s eyes instantly widened and soon began to tear up before me. She even lifted a hoof to her mouth.

“Good heavens!” she said joyously, dabbing the moistness away from her face. “That is the most beautiful thing Trixie has ever heard!”

Obviously, this mare knew something about Twilight’s terrible exploits and, upon hearing of my plan to thwart her campaign, was rendered nearly speechless.

She took a moment to collect herself and set her hoof back on the ground. “Who are you?”

“Well…”

I wondered, should I tell her? I supposed it couldn’t hurt to let one overly emotional mare know my secret. Perhaps she could even help me with my endeavour.

“My name is quite simply, Hooves.” I smiled, deciding it best to reveal only part of my name.

“Well, it is an absolute pleasure to meet you, Miss Hooves.” She smiled back and tipped her hat towards me graciously.

“I do say, that is a fantastic hat, miss…” I tapered off, trying to fish out her name.

She looked puzzled, as if I should have known her name by now. But how could anyone expect somepony else to simply know their name without being told it first?

“Trixie.” she said.

Strange, I swear I’ve heard that name somewhere before.

“It is very nice to meet you, Trixie.” I said.

Suddenly, an assertive voice interrupted us, calling out over the gentle ambience of the crowd. “If the remaining guests in the courtyard would please make their way into the main hall, Princess Celestia would like to commence this evening’s events!”

“Ah!” I nodded. “Perhaps we should continue our conversation inside then?”

The bluish mare with the fantastic hat bit her lip and her gaze fell to the floor.

“As much as the Great and Powerful Trixie would love to admire the utter annihilation of both Twilight Sparkle’s reputation and her occupation, she does not…”

She gently rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof.

“…she does not actually have a ticket.” she finished, glancing back towards me and grinning stupidly. “She came so she could throw a banana cream pie in Twilight’s face and disgrace her in front of a large audience of her peers before the Annual Magic User’s Convention started, but it seems that won’t really be necessary... or even possible for that matter.”

I paused for a moment, watching the mildly embarrassed, but still very stylish unicorn in front of me. I do have a spare ticket and it certainly would be nice to have such a well-dressed acquaintance so dedicated to my cause at the party.

“Nevertheless, Trixie wishes you all the best.” she continued begrudgingly.

I really do love that hat. I needed no more convincing.

“Nonsense! You shall attend the party with me!” I announced abruptly, ripping the two tickets out of my pocket and passing one to the mare.

Wordlessly, she slipped the ticket out of my grasp and levitated it in front of her. She seemed doubtful, even astonished of its very existence, her eyes glazing over the simple slip of paper like it were made of solid twenty four-karat gold.

“I…” she hesitated, her face remembering that wide, teary-eyed expression from before. “Trixie doesn’t know what to say…”

“Then say nothing at all.” I grinned, forcing out my accent in a completely convincing manner. “I would much sooner face this battle with a willing second and a delicious banana cream pie, than face it alone.”

Trixie beamed back at me with the most genuinely happy expression I had seen in years. Yes, she will be a fine co-pilot in this, my journey to the very source of mayhem and wonder, a party that no pony will soon forget.

________________________________________________________________________

Disclaimer:

Chapter 4

The Mailmare
By theamberfox

Chapter 4

“Your ticket please, miss,” one of the golden armoured guards muttered from beside the entrance.

He was perhaps as apathetic as they came, his eyes glazed over, his mouth maintaining an indifferent expression as he leaned casually against the stone archway. He was bored and it was obvious, but I suppose I would have been too if I had to stand outside that magnificent party, collecting tickets while everpony else got to enjoy themselves inside.

“But of course!” I replied with a pleasant smile, ignored his lack of interest and presented my ticket to him.

As he nodded in confirmation, I noticed a clear bottle filled with a neat amber liquid poking its neck out of a nondescript brown bag at his feet.

“Is that what I think it is?” I gestured at the bag.

The stallion perked right up and pushed the bag away with a hoof. “What!? Uhh… No! I uhhh… I don’t know what that is! Sompony must have left it behind!”

I leaned in towards him and whispered softly into his ear. “It’s okay; you don’t need to hide it from me.”

“I don’t?” he asked cautiously.

“No.” I shook my head slowly. “I know all about maple syrup addictions. I just recovered from one myself…”

He acted like he didn’t even believe me. “Maple syrup?”

“Powerful, powerful stuff, it is.” I tried my best to express feelings of absolute sincerity and understanding. “It gets into your head, doesn’t it? It makes you do some pretty wild things, doesn’t it? And before you know it, you’re putting it on everything. Bread, pasta, salads… everything gets covered in that sweet, sweet garnish, not just pancakes or waffles.

“But don’t worry. You’ll get over it… You just need some help from a friend like me.”

“What?” He still didn’t seem to want to admit his dependence on the delicious, sweet sap.

“Yep, I’ll rid you of your addiction; don’t worry! I’ll take this nasty thing away and you’ll forget all about it.”

“No no, that’s alright.” The stallion shook his head in desperation. “You don’t have to do that. It’s not even maple syrup.”

He really needed help. That sugary delicacy had warped his sense of reality.

“Shhh shhh shh!” I reassured him with a hoof on his shoulder. “It’s okay. We’ll beat this together. And no one else ever has to know about it.”

I reached down, picked up the bottle and stuffed it in my jacket pocket.

CRUNCH!

It was at that point that I realized I had put my contact lenses in that very same pocket.

“AAHHH!” I cringed and shoved my hoof into my pocket. “My contacts!”

Something sharp poked the end of my hoof and I yanked it back out, only to realize it was now littered with shards of broken glass.

“It’s in my hoof! IT’S IN MY HOOF!!” I screamed and flailed my foreleg around like an idiot.

The guard was equally as horrified. “What the buck is going on?”

I soon realized that my actions, while moderately jarring to a normal pony, were probably a thousand times more horrifying to this tripped out, maple syrup junkie, so I stopped flailing around at once. And since the shrapnel seemed to be gone and it didn’t look like I was actually injured, I planted my hoof carefully back on the ground and regained my perfect composure.

“Sir, you need to calm down.” I said firmly, looking the guard directly in the eyes. “Deep breaths. Deep breaths…Woosa! Woosa!”

The guard was still very distressed. “Why are you telling me to calm down!?”

My efforts were proving futile, so I did what anypony would do in that situation.

I grasped him firmly on the shoulders and screamed at the top of my lungs, “CALM DOWN! YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!”

The soldier’s expression was now simply one of shocked confusion, like he wasn’t even a part of this world anymore. But at least he was calm.

“You sir, have a nice evening.” I smiled, lowered my hooves back to the ground and ushered myself into the palace.

I pitied him, that strange maple syrup junkie, I really did. But I couldn’t help him. My mission was too important and I had to go on.

Just through the doors, Trixie, my faithful companion, was waiting in the foyer with a somewhat impatient look on her face. She had, you see, casually gone ahead of me when we had reached the entrance, obviously not expecting to have to wait as long as she did.

“What was that all about?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, one of those guards back there was an addict.” I said plainly. “I was just doing my part to keep the streets clean.”

Trixie nodded slowly. “Word...”

I ignored her inane ramblings and continued on into the main hall with Trixie following closely along beside me.

“So what exactly is your plan?” Trixie asked almost enthusiastically. “Trixie would really like to know how you are going to step all over Twilight’s reputation.”

“Well, first things first, my dear.” I replied, working to preserve my strong accent over the ambient noise of the building. “We need to gain acceptance from this populace and make them believe I am truly, the one and only-”

“Twilight Sparkle!” A voice cried out from behind a seemingly impenetrable wall of ponies ahead of us.

And not a moment later, a magnificent white princess appeared out of the dense crowd ahead and came strolling toward us in an exceptionally elegant fashion. In addition to her standard attire, the golden shoes, crown and torc that usually adorned her flawless image, Princess Celestia wore an extravagant and utterly breathtaking ball gown. The chest was made of a soft cream-coloured satin, the material clinging against her tightly, while the length of the dress, beginning at her midsection and made of several layers of lighter, transparent yellow fabric, was almost the complete opposite in appearance. Covering her hind legs and most of her multicolored tail, it was long and flowing, washing down around her like a gentle breeze. Complementing her splendour, her mane was smooth and unusually tidy, rolling down around the back of her neck and falling just over her shoulders, the colours continually moving and changing around her as she walked.

She was exactly how I imagined her, the picture of elegance, royalty, and leadership. But I must admit that I was absolutely terrified of her. I was afraid that she might see past my clever disguise and my plan to save the world would crumble under her careful vigilance. But it wouldn’t end there, would it? She would see me as a traitor, a conspirator, a blemish on this great country, and lock me up for trying to impersonate her student. I would spend the rest of my days in a cold, damp cell with only a lumpy mattress to sleep on and nothing to eat but bagels… endless walls of bagels in every hideous variety. Of course, I would refuse to eat these monstrosities, preferring death over stale baked rings, but they would never take no for an answer! They would force-feed them to me, one by one, shoving them down my throat! And that very same night, as my insides revolted from being filled to the brim with hundreds upon hundreds of those disgusting rings of dough, I would lie down on that lumpy mattress, thinking that the worst was all over, only to realize that the mattress itself… was made of bagels!

Oh, the HORROR! My muscles seized up and I braced myself for the worst.

And then, I felt the strangest feeling inside of me… not entirely a foreign feeling, but certainly a feeling that had long since abandoned my life. I felt myself being drawn to my pocket. But not just my pocket, I felt my hoof move to my side and rest itself over the bottle there.

It was the maple syrup. I wanted the maple syrup. I needed the maple syrup.

“I’m so glad you could make it.” Celestia smiled pleasantly as she stopped directly in front of me.

Her words were like an arrow, piercing my soul, and I felt my hoof move away from my pocket and fall back on the floor. And then, just like that, it was as if it never even happened and I forgot all about the bottle in my pocket…

I think she bought it! All my worrying was for nothing and I felt a sigh of relief rush out of my lungs. She really thinks I’m Twilight Sparkle! I glanced to Trixie at my side and flashed her a quick smile, intent on sharing my joy. My companion however, wasn’t paying attention at all. She was quiet, focused on the princess and the glass of dark red liquid that was levitating in the air beside her.

“And I’m so glad you remembered to wear clothes.” Celestia added softly, leaning in towards me. “I know it’s been hard living with all those nudists for as long as you have.”

Oh yes, the nudists. They were certainly a peculiar sort, the residents of Ponyville. I can recall one particular morning when an individual came into town fully-clothed. She was wearing only a brown cloak, of course, but the residents were absolutely horrified! They hid in their houses, sealed their shutters and locked their doors, afraid to even look at the individual. But she was a foreigner and didn’t seem to know our customs very well. Now this individual has learned, of course. She visits our town, without her cloak, almost every single week and there is no reaction from the Ponyville ponies whatsoever. I must admit though, why in Equestria would she ever want to hide those fascinating black and white stripes?

I responded with a cheerful laugh. “Oh, absolutely your highness! I must have at least a dozen pressed suits in my closet that haven’t seen the light of day in years.”

She laughed back. “How does that friend of yours, Rarity, even make a living? I mean, she sells dresses to a nudist colony? Do the townsfolk use them as cleaning rags or do they just like having a full closet in case they have some kind of revelation one day and decide, ‘Oh Wow! Maybe I should just put on some clothes and act like a normal pony for once!’”

We both laughed a little louder. Trixie, however, remained transfixed on something else.

But all that aside, I couldn’t help but notice that there was something odd about the princess. She was gently swaying from side to side and she had this strange fragrance wafting all around her. It definitely wasn’t something I would call a ‘pleasant’ aroma. Indeed, she smelled like she had eaten a couple dozen pickled eggs for breakfast.

Nevertheless, I was much more comfortable with Celestia now. She had appeared every bit as elegant and royal as I had imagined, but she was so much more relaxed than the stone-faced aristocrat I originally believed her to be. I was really enjoying her company.

“And who’s your friend?” Celestia asked, smiling and gesturing at Trixie with her hoof.

My companion, however, was still staring awkwardly at the princess and the glass floating in the air beside her. But when she finally noticed the hoof pointing gingerly in her direction, she snapped herself back to attention.

“Uhh- The Great and Powerful Trixie, at your service.” she declared, lifting off her hat, nodding kindly at the alicorn, and then replacing her hat back on her head.

“I see.” Celestia replied. “Well Trixie, that is certainly a ‘great and powerful’ looking hat you have there. You’ll have to tell me where you got it some time.”

“Why, thank-”

“Sister!” another voice called out, interrupting our pleasant conversation.

In quite nearly the same fashion as her sibling, another princess soon came barrelling out of the crowd towards us. She was wearing a dress not entirely unlike the one Celestia had on. The most obvious difference was that this dress was made of a much darker fabric, a deep violet with an obsidian trim around its slightly frillier edges. Similarly, she also wore a crown and torc, both a perfect black against her midnight blue coat of fur, and a set of four shining silver shoes. And finally, her mane, filled with what seemed to be tiny, flickering stars, gently caressed her picture. Just like the sun princess beside me, she was quite the sight to behold… or at least she certainly would have been if her foul mood hadn’t soured her appearance as quickly as it did.

“Sister!” She scowled at Celestia, her voice loud and her eyes filled with contempt. “We can scarcely fathom thy crude behaviour! What is wrong with thee!?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Luna,” Celestia responded, taking a sip out of the glass of crimson liquid that had been floating in the air beside her all this time.

“THAT! That drink is what we’re speaking of!”

“This?” Celestia looked momentarily at the glass and then back at her sister.

“PRECISELY! Thou art DRUNK!” Luna accused. “The festivities have yet to even fully begin and yet thou are almost completely inebriated. And thy breath reeks of a potent and fetid odour! It is really just horrid, Celestia. Even here, from this lengthy distance, our nose is filled with its powerful stink.”

It was strange to see Luna so angry with her sister. After all, hydration is an important part of life. Did our ancestors, the great pioneers and explorers of the time, not strive to keep a waterskin always at their side when they explored the unkempt wilderness of the forests and mountains? And even the very wilderness itself, did it not need water to survive? So why was Celestia, in all her grace, being criticized for merely keeping true to the world we all live in?

Celestia just batted the air with a hoof. “Oh Luna, you just don’t understand. I’m actually performing a very important experiment.”

“Really? And what might that be?”

“Well…” Celestia grinned. “I’m testing to see how many bottles of wine it takes before I start speaking incoherently to my subjects.”

Celestia smiled hopefully, but her sister’s jaw just fell open.

“What purpose could that possibly serve!?” Luna fumed.

“Science doesn’t need a purpose, Luna. Science needs results.” Celestia pointed her hoof at her sister reassuringly. “And you can rest assured good sister, I have results. After two whole bottles of wine, not even my own student has seemed to notice anything strange.”

Celestia then pointed over to me. Luna followed the end of her hoof until it finally directed her gaze at my innocent expression. But even after Celestia’s hoof had been lowered back to the ground, Luna said nothing.

Trixie and I smiled stupidly back at her while Celestia took another sip from her wine and quickly pointed again. All the while, Luna just continued to stare.

“Celestia, that is not Twilight Sparkle.” Luna said monotonously, shaking her head and pointing at me. “She doesn’t resemble her in the slightest! Her eyes are a completely different colour, her coat’s all blotchy and it’s exceedingly obvious that this mare is hiding feathery appendages beneath that costume of hers. We wager she doesn’t even possess a horn on her head!”

“Oh don’t be ridiculous, Luna. That is definitely Twilight Sparkle.” Celestia replied, rolling her eyes.

“Indeed, I am most definitely Twilight Sparkle,” said I, seeing an opportunity to strengthen my identity.

Trixie was quick to follow. “Oh yes, she is definitely Twilight Sparkle.”

“I think this wine is getting to your head, little lady.” Celestia whispered to Luna in a condescending fashion. “Perhaps you need to go lie down.”

“WE HAVEN’T EVEN HAD ANY WINE!!” Luna screamed back.

“Well maybe that’s exactly what you need.” Celestia said, moving the glass of red liquid close to her sister’s mouth.

“No! Celestia, we don’t want any wine.” Luna shoved the wine away, knocking it out of the air and onto the floor, its fragile glass container shattering and the red liquid quickly spreading across the surface below.

Celestia was instantly horrified by the loss of her beverage, staring at the glass on the ground like it was her dead father.

“Oh Luna… What have you done?” Celestia moaned quietly.

“YOU!” The moon princess spoke quickly and pointed at me accusingly. “Thou need to cease falsifying thy sister’s pupil and depart this place before thou art thrown out!”

“Luna...” Celestia whined. “My wine is all over the floor.”

For a brief moment, I was awestruck… appalled… aghast. I couldn’t leave! Not now! That would be just like admitting that I was a fake and a failure. Everything I worked so hard for, dyeing my coat, breaking into Twilight’s house, vanquishing her dragon slave back to the lavatories, reading that incredibly dull book about philosophers, even smashing my contacts… it would all just go to waste!

“It was like a brother to me, Luna… but now… now my wine is dead! It’s dead!” Celestia lamented, tears beginning to form in her eyes.

But then something miraculous and wonderful happened. My faithful companion came to the rescue!

“The Great and Powerful Trixie has heard just about enough of your accusations, Princess Luna.” Trixie waved her hoof threateningly. “If you are so sure that this is not Twilight Sparkle, when both Princess Celestia and Trixie are sure it is, then why don’t you prove it?”

Luna stood in shock. Trixie, on the other hoof, had a look of triumph on her face.

“Thou can’t truly be serious?” the moon princess asked.

“Trixie is always serious.” My companion glared back, a twinkle in her eye.

“We used to play tennis together, my wine and I…” Celestia bit her lip, tears streaming down her face. “And eat brunch on Sundays…”

“No, what we mean to say is, that’s not even hard to do.” Luna smiled incredulously. She was practically pointing and laughing at us both. “Thou might as well be asking us to blink.”

Trixie’s complacent expression disappeared and she decided it best to avoid full eye-contact with the alicorn.

Celestia finally looked up from the mess on the ground and at her sister, “But Luna, you killed my wine!”

“Sister, we will get you more wine in a minute if we must, but right now we intend on proving that this Twilight Sparkle is an imposter so we can remove her from the building. One thing at a time!”

Still saddened by her loss, but slightly less so than before, Celestia stopped her whining.

“Well, why don’t you ask her a question that only we would know the answer to?” Celestia meekly suggested with a frown on her face.

“That seems terribly cliché,” Luna admitted, “but alright…”

Uh oh… I wasn’t really sure I could answer a question like that. I didn’t know very much about Twilight at all, only that she was evil and had some kind of fervent hatred for asparagus.

“Whoops…” Trixie whispered in my ear.

Luna took only a brief moment before continuing, stroking her chin gently as she tried to think of an appropriate question to ask.

“What does Twilight Sparkle fear more than anything else?” Luna asked smugly.

I stared blankly off into the distance. At first, my mind jumped to the one thing that I feared the most, door-to-door salesponies. But then I realized, I know this. I know what Twilight Sparkle fears above all else.

“I, the one and only Twilight Sparkle, fear that somepony will find out I’m actually a natural blonde.” I replied confidently.

Luna just laughed. “That is just the most ridiculous-”

“That’s correct.” Celestia nodded.

“WHAT!?” Luna cried out in disbelief.

“Yeah, she’s totally blonde. This one time, I walked in on her when she was dyeing her mane…” Celestia chuckled to herself. “You really should have seen it, Luna. She was so upset about it she actually threw up. Can you believe it? She was so paranoid about other ponies finding out she was a natural blonde that she just threw up! Right there in front of me!”

Celestia laughed a little harder. “At first, I was just shocked. But after she made me promise that I wouldn’t tell anyone I went back to my room and just died laughing! That pony takes herself waaaaaaay too seriously.”

“Nice one.” Trixie winked, extending her hoof out towards me.

I could hardly believe it… It seemed like something a pony only ever heard about in legends, but it was really happening right in front of me. This was one of the most notable events in the history of my entire life.

This was the day I got to celebrate the all-important hoof slap.

I had practiced the movements countless times before, but this was the first real, genuine hoof slap I was ever confronted with.

I lifted my hoof into the air and prepared for contact. I could feel the very world freeze around me. Only my hoof seemed to move, tremble in the air as it neared closer. It was indescribably beautiful. And then…

I missed completely.

All of my practice and hard work went straight down the drain! I failed catastrophically! My hoof missed the point of contact and I could only watch as it sailed straight towards Trixie’s face. And in the same slow sequence, I watched helplessly as Trixie’s expression contorted into one of shock and distress as my hoof collided into her eye.

“You idiot!” she yelled, rubbing a hoof over her injured eye. “That’s the last time I hoof slap you!”

“No! Give me another chance!” I begged, falling to my knees. “LET ME REDEEM MYSELF!!!”

“Cease thy incessant flapping jaw at once!” Luna interrupted.

I slowly got back up, trying my best not to look stupid.

“Listen well, we don’t care about hoof slaps, nor do we care if thou answered the question we asked correctly or not, we’re still going to prove thou art no Twilight Sparkle. Now, remove thy garments.”

“Woah there, Luna!” Celestia intervened. “We can’t just go around ordering ponies to take off there clothes. This isn’t some kind of nudist colony!”

Celestia grinned, pointing at me with a hoof and winking.

I mirrored her expression and pointed back at her. I have no idea what she’s talking about…

Luna looked at her sister with disgust. “But-”

“No buts Luna. If you’re really so determined to convince me that this isn’t Twilight Sparkle, you’re going to have- Oh!”

Celestia’s gaze fixed on a unicorn standing across the room. “Hey! Hey Thunderhorn! Hey! Thunderhorn!”

And like a foal discovering a new toy, she just turned and ran off.

“Wait, sister! Where art thou going!?” Luna cried out in dismay.

But her older sister just ignored her. “Hey Thunderhorn! Hey, do you like mmm-bananas?”

Luna turned back to me, furrowing her brow in anger. “Stay thy tongue, thou scheming pretender! We know thou art up to no good and we’re not going to stand idly by and let thou crash these festivities, pretending to be thy sister’s apprentice. We shall cease thy debauchery before long!”

And with that, she was gone too, chasing after her older sibling in a hopeless attempt to scuttle her fun.

“I think that went well.” I proclaimed.

“Did you notice how stupid Princess Luna sounded?” Trixie scoffed. “The Great and Powerful Trixie thought she sounded like a complete idiot!”

“Indeed!” I chuckled. “Absolute rubbish, it was! I mean, how difficult is it to talk like a normal pony?”

We both just laughed. Princess Luna is such a socially awkward pony…

We spent the next little while mingling with the crowd, exploring the area and generally trying to get a better grasp of what we were dealing with. Upon doing so, it became immediately obvious to me that this convention was far more crowded than I had originally anticipated. The massive room was packed with hundreds of ponies, mostly unicorns, bustling around what looked to be embellished market stalls. Each stall had a large, colourful sign hanging above a long table that was filled with all sorts of wondrous items. And behind these tables, ponies yelled and screamed at the top their lungs, vying for the attention of the massive congregation all around them. It was a place a pony, such as myself, could only ever dream of. The things I saw and heard, even smelt… they were in every way incredible and amazing, unbelievable even…

It was… truly magical.

“I’m going to tell you about the miracle of PoniClean!” one stallion with a jet-black mane and scruffy beard had yelled out.

And he did show us a miracle, for his magic potion had cleared that spot on his rug in practically no time at all, twice as fast as the competing stain remover!

And underneath a stall brightly labelled ‘The Clop Chop’, a younger looking pony with a short, curly blonde mane and a blue apron had showed us another marvel. For when his device cut those terrible onions, not a soul in the room did weep. Not only that, but he didn’t even have to remove the skin! It was truly an awe-inspiring event.

But while these ponies captured my attention, and my heart, they could not sway my companion. Trixie even refused to allow me to buy any of these wonderful things, trying to convince me that they were all just ‘junk’.

“The Clop Chop!? Junk!?” I had said with astonishment. “Why, the very notion is absurd!”

But she had persisted and soon enough, a booming voice resonated across the room and I forgot all about PoniClean and the Clop Chop.

“Testing! Testing! One! Two!”

It seemed that Celestia, levitating another glass of wine beside her, had somehow found her way onto the stage at the end of the room and was preparing to properly address the attendees of the Annual Magic Users Convention, who, upon hearing her voice, quieted down considerably and focused their attention on the stage.

The princess certainly is drinking a lot of that bizarre, rotten liquid. I thought, staring at the white alicorn as she wobbled around on stage. Perhaps she just doesn’t want to be wasteful…

Admittedly, I did the same every so often, drinking foul milk or eating spotted bread, even when I knew the consequences would be dire. But it wasn’t that I was cheap, but rather because I enjoyed the sense of accomplishment I felt when I finished something. Whether it was a magnificent painting or simply a loaf of bread, the feeling was always the same. So like a vicious dictator of food, I conquered muffin after muffin, bread roll after bread roll, and no amount of mould, spot of green, or terrible, rancid smell would ever stop me! HAHAHAHA! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE WRATH OF DERPY HOOVES YOU INSIGNIFICANT PEON!

“Three! Four! Five!”

“Sister…” A quieter voice intervened.

“Six! Seven! Eight!” The princess rambled on.

“Sister, stop it.”

“Nine! Ten! What’s that Luna!?”

“Thou have no need to test it any longer, it works.”

“Luna, I can’t hear you! I’m testing the microphone!”

“We know thou art-”

“Look Luna, I don’t have time for this. I need to start my speech now!”

Celestia looked out over the crowd. And then, in one quick motion, she downed an entire glass of wine.

“Does this microphone make me look fat!?”

Trixie made no hesitation in yelling back. “Yes!”

Some of the ponies around us looked at her with offended expressions, but she just smiled back at them.

Celestia began to fiddle with some knobs on the microphone stand in front of her. There was a horrible piercing, screeching noise and the crowd cringed as if thousands of angry hornets had just flown in through the windows and were now buzzing violently around the ceiling.

“How about now?” the princess asked in a much lower volume, ignoring the crowd’s distress.

This time, there was no answer.

“Okay!” Celestia announced. “Let’s begin with a brief outline of this thingy we’re all at. What’s it called now? The Anal Magic Convention? Good heavens! You ponies sure have some weird interests.”

The crowd looked around at each other with disturbed expressions and made muffled comments. Celestia ignored them again as she pulled a collection of papers from out under her dress and began to shuffle them madly in the air. However, she only seemed to be making the papers more disorganized.

“Yeah! Okay! Whatever!” Celestia barked, glancing down at her notes once before fixing her gaze back over the crowd. “Most likely, you spent the first bit of the evening wasting your money on the crap these ponies are trying to pass off as magical devices or potions or whatever. Yeah, don’t believe any of that garbage. They pay us a royalty to say that. It’s all mostly just junk. Believe me, I tried PoniClean… It turned my carpet white!

“Now either I’ve spent the last century believing my carpet was actually supposed to be pink, or that stuff’s really just bleach. Now don’t get me wrong, maybe my carpet actually is white. But let me ask you this? What the hell happened to my carpet to make it turn pink?”

Celestia looked over the crowd and raised her hoof questioningly. Nopony seemed to know how to respond to that.

“Yeah, I don’t know either.” She shrugged. “I blame the teenagers. You know the ones that hang out by the convenience stores? I tell you, it’s always those rotten teenagers… They’re always running around, buying candy and acting all nice and polite to you, but they’ve always got something hidden up their sleeve.”

Celestia wagged her hoof out over the crowd, who all still had the same clueless expressions on their faces. “Believe me, I know!”

She looked back down at the paper floating in front of her. She shifted them all slightly, pulled one of the sheets out, crumpled it into a ball, and tossed it loosely behind her.

“Okay! So the first thing we’re going to do is move into the dining hall to get some grub and some more wine! You can never have enough wine. And just in case you haven’t already had some wine, have some wine now before you regret not having any wine in the first place.

“Now about the food, I’ve been told that after what happened last year, we’re having a set menu this time with a choice between about half a dozen different items or something like that. And no going and substituting anything or I’ll personally take a dump on your plate and call it the daily special!”

Celestia looked out over the crowed inquisitively, as if to reinforce her point even more. “I’m not kidding, I’ll actually do that!”

“Hahaha, thou are very truly funny, sister. Hahaha…” Luna had a kind of desperate frustration clinging to her tone of voice as she leapt into view and started pushing her sister off-stage. “We’ll take over from here. Hahaha… Off thou go…”

“Oh no no no no... I can do this, Luna. You just sit your-”

“Celestia!” Luna glared at her sister.

“Woah! Okay! Calm down little Luna! I’ll let you do the speech if you really want to, you adorable little filly you.” Celestia ruffled up her sister’s mane (as much as one can ruffle up an ethereal mane anyhow) and, consequently, knocked her obsidian tiara onto the ground.

“Sister!”

“Hahaha! Okay, you can go right ahead now, Luna. I won’t interrupt you. Do your thing. Stun the crowd with your amazing linguistic feats. I’ll just be over here getting another glass of wine.”

Celestia just tossed all of her papers into the air behind her and stumbled off the stage, nearly tripping on the way down the stairs.

Luna quickly used her magic to gather up the papers and form them into a neat pile in front of her before yelling back at her sister, “Celestia! No! No more wine!”

Since Celestia seemed perfectly ignorant of her orders, the moon princess placed her tiara back on her head and then signalled to a pair of guards standing to one side of the stage. The two soldiers, taking the hint, immediately took off after Celestia.

“Hooves.” Trixie looked at me. “We need to stop those guards.”

“Smashing idea, my faithful companion!” I responded boldly. “We can’t let them assassinate the princess!”

“Wait, what!?” Trixie had a very bizarre expression on her face. “No, we have to stop them from stopping Celestia from getting a drink! If Celestia’s drunk, we’ll have a much better chance of convincing her that you’re actually Twilight. If she sobers up, she may not believe you anymore!”

“Right! We can’t let them assassinate the princess’ hydration!” I pounded my hoof into the air courageously. “Tally-ho!”

Trixie’s muddled expression didn’t change in the slightest, but we both started pushing our way through the crowd anyway, trying to make a path to Celestia and the two guards.

“Our apologies, loyal subjects.” Luna smiled at the confused crowd. “We didn’t know that our dear Princess Celestia fancied wine as much as she does. Do not fret though, she will be back to her normal self before the evening’s up.”

I pushed my way past a pale green stallion and a dark blue mare with a messy mane and tail. Both ponies gave me dirty looks as I went by. The guards were walking slowly, but they were still gaining ground faster than we were.

I pushed harder.

“Ahem!” Luna cleared her throat elegantly. “Now, following the delectable banquet we have prepared for you all, we will have a number of presenters. Each of them is prepared to showcase their unique talents and discoveries in a way that is most impressive and entertaining. It’s all going to start with an intriguing explanation of Professor Cornelius Hoofington’s ‘Theory of Magical Constraints in Relation to the Relative Horn Density and Mass of Unicorns!”

The crowd released a series of ‘oo’s and ‘aa’s, which was followed by polite, yet enthusiastic stomping of their hooves against the floor.

Even through the moving crowd, I could see Celestia. She was almost at the table now. The guards were getting closer.

I looked at Trixie. She wasn’t even trying to be gentle now, forcefully knocking the ponies around her to the ground, ignoring the crude insults that followed.

“Yes,” Luna acknowledged happily, “we too are quite excited about hearing that one.”

They were almost upon the princess now and we were still so very far away. I pushed more ponies out of my way and got even more dirty looks. Celestia was at the wine bar!

“Finally, we’ve gathered the Royal Equestrian Symphony Orchestra and they’re going to play several fantastic pieces of music for our grand ball at the conclusion of the evening. We hear they are accepting requests this year.” Luna squealed excitedly. “So if any pony desires to hear ‘Piano Sonata Number Thirty-Four in C Minor’, tonight is thy most opportune moment!”

Celestia popped the cork out of the bottle of wine closest to her. She lifted the bottle in the air.

“Celestia?” One of the guards rested his hoof on the princess’ side.

Back on stage, Luna continued. “We are most excited about the evening and we sincerely hope you all are as well!”

“Your sister has told me that I can’t let you have any more wine,” the guard said politely, but forcefully.

Trixie and I had almost broken through the dense crowd. We had a perfect, clear view of Celestia now.

Celestia turned to face the guard. “Oh…”

“Now, let us all relocate ourselves to the dining hall!” Luna announced.

The crowd started moving and talking loudly. On stage, an evil grin formed on the moon princess’ face. She knew what we were trying to do.

Then, just as we reached the end of the crowd, a sea of ponies rushed in front of us both, pushing us out of the way as we had done to them!

“Pardon me,” one said.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” said another.

I tripped and fell to the ground. My hat teetered on my head…

The hole from which I could see Celestia had vanished and Trixie disappeared onwards, past the sea of ponies.

“Sorry.” Another pony bumped into me from behind and I could feel my top hat begin to fall from my head!

I was doomed! Everypony would see my head and the horn I lacked. They would know I wasn’t Twilight Sparkle and kick me out! I would be banished to that cold, dark cell, lost forever in a world of torment… and bagels!

Princess Luna glanced in my direction. Her eyes pierced through the crowd, that cruel smile stuck on her lips. But it wasn’t just her… They were all looking at me!

But instead of moving to stop the black top hat from falling, I felt myself inexplicably pulled towards that damned bottle in my pocket! I knew that I had to keep my hat from falling, but I couldn’t stop myself! I couldn’t stop my hat from falling and I couldn’t stop that terrible addiction I thought I had banished so many years ago!

My hoof rested on the cold glass in my pocket. The world around me turned black.

But Luna’s grin grew stronger, still visible through the darkness. And her eyes, they were like beacons of light, shining through the night.

And then, without any warning at all, I felt my hat stuffed back onto my head! And the darkness, Luna’s piercing eyes and horrible grin, the pull of my hoof towards the bottle, it all just vanished!

Surprised, I looked up to see Trixie grinning back at me.

“Don’t be so clumsy!” she scoffed.

The other ponies that had been looking at me turned away. And on stage, Luna’s expression changed to one of disappointment and anger and not a second later, she teleported away. Soon, the entire crowd vanished too and we were left, staring at an empty corridor. Celestia was nowhere to be seen and the wine bar, and the wine, was being carried away by two armoured guards. The bottle the princess had been opening was taken away with them, its cork firmly replaced.

We failed… I frowned and let out a heavy sigh. Granted, I still don’t know what we were doing, but we still failed at it…

“I’m sorry Trixie…” I said, averting her eyes. “I wasn’t strong enough.”

“Oh, get up!” Trixie rolled her eyes. “We can always find another way to keep Celestia drunk!”

I slowly pulled myself back up and looked towards the dining hall. Princess Luna was walking slowly towards us.

“Oh, hello there, imposter!” She smiled as she stopped in front of us. “Thou may have kept thy hat on thy head, but now Celestia is going to be as dry as a bone.”

“Ha!” Trixie grinned back at her imposingly. “Celestia was awfully drunk, princess. The Great and Powerful Trixie does not think she will even have time to sober up before the end of the night!”

“Well then thou are surely a fool.” Luna returned the expression coyly. “Did thou not know about the speed of an alicorn’s immune system? We can recover from a common cold in an hour and from an overuse of alcoholic beverages in a mere fifteen minutes. Celestia shall be sober before dinner is even served!”

“WHAT!?” Trixie shouted, unsettled by the princess’ barrage of random facts.

I glared menacingly at the princess. How does her mane even work? How can she sleep at night if it’s constantly moving around like that? I think it’s making me seasick.

“And don’t think our sober sister will actually be fooled by such a pathetic disguise.”

Luna laughed heartily and turned around. But as soon as she started to walk away, she stopped and craned her head back towards us.

Trixie was sweating beside me. I would have been too, but I couldn’t seem to remember how to sweat.

“Oh! And Celestia expects you to sit beside her the whole night, Fakelight Sparkle!”

She closed her eyes and laughed again with her head held proudly in the air.

“Wow…” Trixie’s panic disappeared and she stared at the princess with a very plain expression. “That was just about the worst insult Trixie has ever heard. One would think that after spending a thousand year alone on the moon, one could do a little better than that.”

“Yes, that was most unimpressive indeed, your highness.” I added.

Luna’s eyes snapped open and she scrunched up her face. She looked like she was about to say something, but couldn’t think of anything and so she just ran off.

“Pfft!” Trixie rolled her eyes. “She is soooo weird.”

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Author's Notes:

Hello everyone! Naturally, I’ve been pretty busy with life in general (hence the tardiness of this chapter), but I seem to always find enough time to work on this bizarre story of mine. I really hope you all enjoyed this chapter. It’s definitely longer than usual, but I figure that somehow makes up for how long this took to write.

In that respect, I seem to always find a way to underestimate how long my stories are going to be. With ‘Shadows of the Sun’, I planned on writing a 100 page story divided into 10 chapters. It ended up being more than 300 pages and 14 chapters. (And now, I’m even planning on writing a sequel to carry on that story.) And now with this, I planned on making it 40 pages long divided across 4 chapters. We all know how well that worked out.

I guess I just always manage to find enough inspiration to make my stories longer, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It does mean, however, that I’m going to stop estimating how long my stories are going to be. What that means to you, is that ‘The Mailmare’ is probably going to be longer than I expected. Regardless, I really hope you’re enjoying the story and, if anything at all, the extension to the story is something you’re looking forward to.

Thank you and everyone else who’s jumped onboard this crazy story of mine. I really hope you’ll stick around to see the conclusion.

And as always, my special thanks goes out to both my editor, Specter Von Baren, and my prereader, themadkossak. Your time and patience are much appreciated and you both really help keep this story rolling on the right track.

If you have any questions or comments about the story, feel free to email me at admin@theamberfox.ca. I also keep a close eye on the comments below, so you can reach me there too.

________________________________________________________________________

Disclaimer:

Chapter 5

The Mailmare
By theamberfox

Chapter 5

As we made our way into the dining hall of the great palace, a room filled with so many tables and chairs it would make your head spin and possibly even fall off your neck, I began to reflect on my predicament. Yes, I had managed to convince Princess Celestia that I was indeed Twilight Sparkle, her one and only star pupil, but for how long? Trixie seemed to believe that we didn't have much time left and the only way we could preserve my facade was to keep the princess saturated with expired juice, or as they had dubbed it, 'wine'. And though I did not truly understand her reasoning, I decided to trust in my friend's presumably greater judgement and follow her lead. But keeping the princess full of wine was a goal and like every goal, there were so many things in our way, preventing us from advancing along the path of glory.

The worst of our problems were created by Princess Luna, Celestia's well-dressed sister and the famous 'guardian of the moon'. She had seen right through my disguise and for some hidden reasons I could not possibly hope to understand, she was almost immediately disgusted with me. Not only that, but she had made it her objective to reveal my true identity to the world and throw me out of the party, ignorantly condemning our world to the reign of Twilight Sparkle, a terrible tyrant, a conniving thief and a loathsome philosopher.

So when it had come time for our fair Celestia to get another drink of wine, it was only natural that Luna had ordered the guards to take it all away and thwart our genius. And though both my companion and I had tried to stop her and save the wine, our efforts had been hopelessly futile.

So with the wine gone and the events of the night quickly rolling into motion, Trixie and I approached the table ahead of us with our thoughts swimming with worries over how we would keep enough drink in Celestia's belly to last the night. Indeed, we were both so preoccupied with our concerns that we hardly even noticed the event that was unfolding right there in front of us.

"Where did thou get that!?" Luna demanded.

Celestia was sitting at the head of a very long table, right beside where I believed her sister was supposed to be sitting. But her sister was not sitting, she was standing, glaring at a glass of crimson liquid on the table.

Celestia pointed at her sister, waving her hoof mere inches from the moon princess' nose. "Well, you know what they say Luna, 'One for the road, two for the...'"

The white alicorn stopped abruptly.

"For the...." she repeated.

"Celestia, thou art so drunk thou can't even finish thy sentences! We demand thou stop drinking that insidious wine!"

"No, no! I remember!" Celestia bopped Luna gently on the nose with her hoof. "Two for the princess!"

Luna was momentarily stunned. "One for the road... Two for the princess..."

Celestia nodded enthusiastically.

"How does that even make any sense?" Luna asked. "It doesn't even rhyme."

"Oh, well you see, you get one for the road, like if you were gonna go somewhere," Celestia explained as she waved her hooves wildly in the air, "and then you gotta give two to the princess, but I am the princess, so I get all three."

"What? No, we meant-"

"Oh, hellllooooo there Twilight!" Celestia slurred. "You and your friend with the funny, pointy hat-thingy can sit right here, right beside your friendly neighbourhood princess."

She pointed to a spot at the table where two ponies, most likely a husband and his wife, were sitting. However, upon setting sight on these two individuals her immediate reaction was to grow wide-eyed and delirious.

"Woah!" She gasped in shock. "When did you get here?"

The husband, a bright green stallion with a sharp yellow mane and tail looked to his wife and blinked several times. The mare, a pale pink pony with a long white mane and tail returned the expression.

I thought their confusion was perfectly understandable. That stallion was almost certainly the most ridiculous and outright repulsive combination of colours in all of Equestria. Piercing green and yellow? That's just plain terrible! His wife ought to be ashamed!

The stallion turned back to the princess and humbly replied, "Um, your highness, we've been here for the last ten minutes."

Celestia hastily responded, "But what are you doing in Twilight's seat? That's Twilight's seat. Can't you see that's Twilight's seat?"

"Sister," Luna intervened, "if thou do recall, thou insisted that Mr. and Mrs. Peapod sit there."

"Pffft!" Celestia giggled childishly, clumsily covering her mouth with a hoof. "You two have PEE in your name? Why would you do that? Why would you pee in your name!?"

"And then thou made that exact same joke..." Luna grumbled, sounding very displeased with her sister.

Mr. and Mrs. Peapod frowned and shifted in their seats.

Not at all swayed by the couple's discomfort or her sister's disapproval, Celestia only began laughing more loudly.

Luna smiled weakly at the two ponies. "It may be best if you both sat elsewhere..."

The two looked at each other, then back at Luna, and then nodded and got up to leave.

"Yeah, get out of here before you pee in my dinner too!" Celestia shouted.

Celestia continued to laugh, but her initially delightful reaction soon triggered a set of terrible consequences. For, right in front of my very eyes, the princess experienced what I could only imagine was a tragic and unbearable pain. She clutched her stomach tightly with one of her fore hooves and fiercely pounded the table with the other, desperately trying to distract herself from the unknown illness inside her body. Yet at the same time, she was still laughing. It was a very disconcerting sight indeed.

Mr. and Mrs. Peapod seemed incapable of witnessing such a horror and they took this dramatic event as their cue to leave.

"Sister!" Luna cried out. "See what thou have done! Thou has finally scared off everypony except these two."

The dark alicorn loosely gestured at Trixie and me, obviously not very satisfied to be in our company.

Luna plopped herself down in her seat. "Why must thou be so rude!?"

Rude!? I was appalled. Celestia's stomach was going to burst wide open and Princess Luna was worried about her etiquette!? How absurd!

My thoughts immediately jumped to her rotten beverage. There was no doubt in my mind. It was the fault of that rancid drink that the princess was in such pain! But why then, were Trixie and I trying to feed her more of it!? Was it possible that, even now, Twilight was controlling my subconscious state and forcing me to do her bidding? Was I really just a puppet in her gruesome game? Had I been fooled all along!?

And what about Trixie!? My companion! My friend! Was she just another of Twilight's diabolical minions!?

Curses! I WILL destroy you Twilight Sparkle! You won't control me!

As I panicked, Celestia's pain intensified and she was soon rendered completely inoperable. She madly gasped for air and at one point, after taking in a huge breath, she drooped forward and her head crashed down against the table with a tremendous loud smack. Nevertheless, she still laughed and pounded the table with her hoof, leaving big dents and gashes in the surface of the wood.

This laughing... Twilight is MOCKING ME!

I glared at Luna with a look of shear terror on my face and pointed towards her collapsed sibling. "MY WORD! DON'T YOU GET IT!? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!? THE PRINCESS IS DYING! WHY AREN'T YOU DOING ANYTHING!?"

But just as soon as I had finished speaking, Trixie was hit by the same horrible plague. She too had started laughing and holding her stomach. And soon enough, she had completely lost her ability to stand upright and tumbled to the floor.

"OH DEAR SWEET CELESTIA! IT'S CONTAGIOUS!" I shrieked in revulsion.

Meanwhile, Celestia's injuries only grew worse. Like Trixie, she had lost her ability to balance and fell out of her chair and onto the floor, laughing with such an intensity that it could peel the paint off the walls.

"Thou art a complete idiot." Luna stated, pressing her hoof up against her face.

"BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT BLIND!" I shouted back in anger.

"Is thou truly serious!?" Luna retorted. "They. Are. Just. Laughing! Laughing, foal!"

I looked back at the two ponies incapacitated on the floor, gasping for air.

"Laughing!?" I repeated.

I looked at the horrified crowd of ponies, all just staring at us, completely mortified.

"LAUGHING!?" I repeated the word with more volume and vigour and I smashed the table with my hoof.

Luna stared at me coldly.

"Well alright then." I replied with a nod and sat down in the seat closest to me, the one previously occupied by Mr. Peapod. "I suppose we'll have to wait until they're done then."

Luna's face contorted and her mouth hung open in disbelief. It was the kind of face that a pony could only dream of describing properly. It was simply one of shock and awe and it looked really quite disturbing.

But what I found most unsettling was not Luna's expression, but that all the ponies around us, the ones who had been staring at us, had almost the very same expressions on their faces.

These ponies need to learn how to relax. They should be happy Trixie and I aren't being controlled by a diabolical tyrant!

I decided to try and start a conversation with the moon princess, maybe pass the time and lighten the mood a little. "Have you read any good books lately, your majesty?"

"No." was her immediate reply.

"I myself read a very interesting book on philosophy. Of course, I had to skim through it a bit to-"

"Shut up." she interrupted.

Why do ponies always interrupt me? I really do hate being interrupted.

Since Princess Luna did not seem to be in a very talkative mood, the next few minutes were spent listening to Celestia and Trixie laugh while I casually brushed off my suit and continued to be the victim of that impossible expression on Luna's face. I'm sure that she too had determined it would be too difficult to hear each other over the racket the two ponies were making on the floor, but I still found it very rude that she was content to just staring at me like that. I tried to ignore her gaze and instead focused on the incredible damage Celestia had done to the table. With as many gashes and dents as it had now, it was practically a war zone. It reminded me of the postmaster general's table. But I'm pretty sure he was never laughing when we met.

I smiled pleasantly. The postmaster had been doubtful of my abilities at the start of the day. But when he learns of all that I've accomplished, I'll be in for a big, juicy promotion.

Trixie and Celestia finally calmed down enough to climb into their respective seats, their eyes wet with tears and their hooves slightly bruised from their incessant pounding on the floor. Celestia took a brief sip of her wine, which had miraculously been left untouched by the whole event, and Trixie straightened out her hat and her long silvery mane. Both ponies giggled periodically.

"Ha... ha... Ohhhh..." Celestia wheezed. "Alright then. I've really got the munchies now! Who's up for some food?"

Luna's bizarre expression had finally turned back to normal, but she still seemed a little stunned. Trixie appeared to be on the same boat and she just sat there beside me with a huge smile on her face.

"Capital idea, your highness!" I boldly exclaimed.

"Hmph! Capital idea..." Luna mocked quietly and looked away.

Celestia began waving her hoof in the air childishly, attempting to signal one of the waiters over to our table.

With both the princesses distracted, my companion took the opportunity to speak her mind and whispered in my ear, "You know, Trixie is really starting to admire the princess when she's drunk. She's certainly more entertaining than Trixie was expecting."

"Yes, I too have grown quite fond of the princess." I whispered back. "She has admirable leadership qualities. Though I am beginning to question her sanity. I fear that Twilight Sparkle has already contorted her mind beyond repair."

"Yeah sure, whatever..." Trixie raised an eyebrow.

My superior wisdom and intellect seemed to have soared above Trixie's head. It was truly a pity she did not share the same deep understanding of our situation.

"Look, let's just make sure she stays this way." She said with true sincerity. "From what Trixie's gathered, Celestia will have enough wine to last until after the meal. But then we're going to have to find something else to keep her satisfied."

I simply nodded in understanding. I really like that hat.

I had to admit, Trixie was a keen strategist. She seemed to have a much better grasp on the 'here and now' of our situation than even I did. Combined with my powerful foresight and profound perception of our ultimate goal, we made an excellent team.

I turned my attention back to Celestia, still waving her hoof. It seemed that she had at last garnered the interest of a particularly stout waiter in a dark blue blazer, who came rushing over to the table as fast as his little legs could carry him.

"Are you all ready to order, your highness?" the waiter eagerly asked.

His voice had a predominantly irritating quality, like he was overly happy just to be alive and standing there in front of us. He was much too peppy for my taste. He was practically oozing pep. It was as if he had stolen the pep from every other pony in this room and shoved it down his throat, like some kind of monster that fed off of pep and pep alone.

I casually shoved my pep beneath my seat. He's not getting any of my pep!

Celestia lowered her hoof and grinned. "Yeah, I'll have the potato salad."

The waiter gave her a blank look. "Actually, your highness, there is no potato salad on the menu this year, but I am sure the chefs would be more than happy to-"

"Oh no." Celestia waved her hoof objectionably. "I said no substitutions and I mean it! I don't want to have to lay a big, fat steamer in my own meal!"

The waiter, who seemed to be stricken with instantaneous paralysis at this statement, looked to be having a wonderful time imagining that scenario. His face turned the most luscious green, a colour I've only ever seen on a pony's face once before, when Creme De La Creme, a prestigious food critic was tasting my cabbage bran muffins for the first time. It was a real shame, because after she tasted my exotic delicacies, she refused to give me her review. She just whined and complained about having to go to the hospital. Honestly, I thought she was simply being lazy and that interesting green expression was just a well-played act. Ponies of considerable importance and reputation, such as herself, develop the most obscure ways of avoiding any and all work.

But since I'm such a compassionate and understanding pony, I played along with her game and went to visit Creme De La Creme in the hospital the very next day. I even brought with me a basket of freshly baked cabbage bran muffins, hoping she would reconsider giving me her review.

Long story short, I'm not allowed to visit ponies in the hospital anymore.

"Ok, so I'll have the egg salad." Celestia smiled.

The waiter coughed once, letting the colour return to his face before he spoke. "Um, your highness, there is no egg salad either."

Celestia slammed her hooves against the already battered table. "Well what in Celestia's name do you make in that kitchen, lad!?"

I tapped Trixie gently on the side and whispered in her ear. "She's not allowed to do that. She can't use that expression!"

Trixie just shrugged. "Why not?"

I was much too distraught to answer my companion's question. Celestia had used the forbidden expression!

"Pardon us sir," Luna said, "but perhaps you could just read us our options? Celestia seems to have eaten our menus."

"Eaten them, your highness?" the waiter asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

"Yes." Luna clarified with a look of frank frustration. "She was upset there were no appetizers, so she ate all the menus."

"And they were terrible!" Celestia shouted. "They tasted like cardboard. Your head chef should be ashamed!"

"Uh... right. I'll... I'll tell him that." The waiter stared back at the two alicorns in disbelief. "Well, tonight we have five options available on our set menu. The first is a wonderful pumpkin and squash soup and that comes with a small dinner roll in either sourdough or rye."

"And that's food?" Celestia asked.

The waiter didn't seem to know whether or not he should be offended. "Yes."

"OK. I'll have that."

"Of course, your highness." the waiter replied. "Would you prefer sourdough or rye?"

"What?"

"Would you prefer a sourdough or rye dinner roll?"

"What in Celestia's name is a 'dinner roll'?"

I jabbed Trixie in the side. "Did you hear that!? She did it again! It's like she doesn't even care!"

"So?" Trixie said, sounding slightly annoyed. "Trixie thinks you're overreacting."

Overreacting!? Why the very notion that a pony wouldn't care about the forbidden expression was abhorrent. If anything, I should have been reacting more strongly to Celestia's nonchalant utterance of the forbidden expression!

"Uhhh... It's just a small piece of bread, like a bun." the waiter answered.

"And it's food, right?"

"Yes."

Celestia looked around in bewilderment. "Why in Celestia's name do they call it a dinner roll?"

"Ahhhh!" I yelled, squirming around in my seat and clutching my chest.

My heart was pumping so fast it felt like it was going to explode.

And then I remembered about the maple syrup, that bottle of beautiful amber liquid I had taken from the guard at the door. I remembered about my addiction, that horrible feeling of always wanting more. Some part of me knew that I shouldn't resort to drinking that sweet nectar. Some part of me knew that I couldn't return to that life of misery and regret, but that very same part knew that I had to do something to counteract the effects of the forbidden expression.

My hoof reached for the bottle...

"Are you going to be okay?" Trixie asked.

I gasped. "The world is... fading..."

It was like the whole room was filling with a dense fog. The forbidden expression had been uttered too many times! I was losing my grip on reality!

My hoof fell on the smooth, glass surface. I gently caressed the long, slender neck of the bottle and started to pull the container out of my pocket. I can't believe it... After all these years...

The waiter glanced at me for a moment before looking back at Celestia and finally responding. "I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that, your highness."

"And you call yourself a waiter? By Celestia, what have you been doing with your life?"

"Auugghhh!" I screamed in pain.

I rolled around in my chair and moaned. That had done it! My heart had finally burst and now the little pieces were just swimming around in my body, like little tiny fish. Except they weren't fish, they were pieces of heart!

"I'm... sorry..?" The waiter, no longer visible through the fog, seemed to be speaking in my direction. "Is she going to be alright?"

The fog had completely closed in around me. I was going numb. I couldn't even see Trixie's face!

Well... that's a lie. I could see Trixie's face, but it looked more like a shrub than a face. It was like one of those garden sculptures that ponies cut into shapes with chainsaws. It was all leafy and green and covered with little specks of red from the mistakes the sculptor had made.

And then the worst possible thing happened... I realized that all my efforts to reach for the bottle of delicious syrup in my pocket had been in vain... I remembered that ponies cannot grab things with their hooves. We lack the necessary flexibility and dexterity to do that.

I pulled my hoof back out of my pocket, leaving the bottle of syrup still inside. Well that's unfortunate...

Celestia chuckled frivolously. "For Celestia's sake, Twilight, get a hold of yourself."

"UUGGGHHHH!" I groaned painfully and fell out of my chair.

I don't honestly know what happened after that. I think I must have passed out. All I know is that I awoke on the floor several minutes later with a very sore noggin. I also decided that it would be best to blame Twilight Sparkle for everything. That tactic seemed to be working well for me.

"Oh, you're finally awake." Trixie grinned down at me from her seat. "We were going to do something, but we ended up spending the whole time arguing about why you passed out instead. Then the waiter got impatient and told us we either had to order food or actually do something to help you and... well, we were pretty hungry..."

My vision was still a little blurry and my head was pounding, but I swore something was missing from Trixie's usual appearance. Eyes? Nope, those are still there. Torso? No, that's still there too. Hmm...

"What... what happen?" I stuttered.

With a sincere expression, Trixie replied, "Somebody set up us the bomb."

"We get signal!" Celestia shouted at me, a full glass of wine sloshing around beside her.

I must have still been a little dazed, as I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. They seemed to be speaking with very poor grammar on purpose! It must be Twilight Sparkle's fault!

"What?" I asked.

I did realize that Celestia was now wearing a top hat identical to the one I had on. This situation is growing odder by the minute... Perhaps if I add one to the situation, I can even things out a bit.

Princess Luna leaned over me with a very displeased look on her face.

"Main screen turn on!" Celestia yelled, the undersized top hat wobbling on her head.

"It's you!" I said, glaring hard at the moon princess.

She frowned at me. "We have no words to describe the idiocy of this situation."

I felt like I was even less informed than I was when I had first woken up. And adding one had not helped my situation. It was still very odd. I really am terrible at math...

Noticing my puzzled expression, Trixie chuckled softly and smiled. "The general consensus was that you couldn't handle hearing Princess Celestia say her own name in a common expression."

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. "What?"

"You know, like 'What in Celestia's name?' or 'by Celestia!'?"

"Celestia was saying that?"

"Yeah."

"She's not allowed to say that."

"Why not?"

"It's very clearly written in the constitution!"

Trixie shook her head. "What are you talking about?"

"We had almost forgotten about that ridiculous old scroll..." Luna admitted with a very upside-down smile. "When Equestria was founded, the alicorns signed an agreement that said we couldn't use our own names in those expressions."

"Really!?" Trixie asked, fixing a confused stare on Princess Luna. "Why would you-"

"Don't ask." Luna said.

"Well, what are the repercussions of violating the constitution?"

"Celestia must pay the offended pony a total fine of three whole bits."

Celestia threw her hooves in the air dejectedly. "I can't afford that!"

Trixie's ignored the princess' remark. "That's... that's not very much money..."

"It was a significant sum of money a couple thousand years ago." Luna corrected. "The constitution has never been updated."

"What else does the constitution say?" Trixie asked.

"Actually, that's it." Luna said. "And that's the only written constitution in all of Equestria. And it's not that we wouldn't sign anything else or you go the short end of the stick... You ponies just didn't want anything else from us. You just didn't want us using our own names in those expressions. In fact, you could have cared less if we sold you all into slavery."

"Oh! We should do that, Luna." Celestia grinned. "Tomorrow, you and I will wake up early and sell all of the ponies in Equestria into slavery. Then I can pay Twilight! And we can have a picnic! And go bowling! And eat burritos!"

"Art thou really suggesting we sell the entire population of Equestria into slavery for only three bits?" Luna asked with a hint of scepticism.

Celestia rubbed the back of her neck. "You think we could get more than that?"

"Thou really are drunk, sister." Luna said.

"Drunk with awesome ideas!" Celestia countered.

Luna said nothing.

"Anyway..." Trixie turned back to face me. "Celestia agreed to stop using those expressions on one condition... You had to give her your 'totally tubular' hat. Though, apparently it was your constitutional right not to have to endure those expressions, so it seemed like Trixie traded away your hat for nothing..."

"It really is totally tubular." Celestia was ecstatic.

The white alicorn leaned back in her chair, trying to get a good look at the hat on her head. However, she didn't seem to realize that it was physically impossible to look at a hat you are currently wearing and just kept leaning further and further back until-

CRASH!

Luna planted her hoof firmly against her face and sighed loudly.

But if she has my hat, then... I reached up to feel the crown of my head. But instead of feeling my bare mane as I had expected, and feared, I felt something else, something different...

Trixie looked at the princess stumbling around on the ground and then back at me. She grinned curtly.

"Did you not expect Trixie to have a plan?" She shook her head slowly. "Trixie is offended by the very suggestion! Nevertheless, she will let you borrow her hat for the rest of the night."

"I'm alright!" Celestia reassured as she got back in her chair.

My eyes lit up. "You mean... I get to wear your awesome hat!?"

Trixie squinted her eyes at me. "Only because Trixie doesn't have any better options right now..."

"WEEEEEEEEEE!!!" I squealed and pulled the hat further onto my head.

It was a really awesome hat.

"Don't you dare wreck that hat, Hooves!" Trixie glared, pointing her hoof at me sternly.

With a massive grin plastered on my face, I got up off the floor and sat back down in the seat beside Trixie. I had no plans on destroying such a wonderful hat and, albeit temporary, gift from my new friend.

I proudly saluted Trixie. "I shall guard this hat with my life."

"Wait..." Luna squinted her great eyes at me. "Trixie, you called her 'Hooves'!"

The moon princess laughed. She had a huge smile on her face.

"Thou heard her, right sister! Haha! We knew she was a fake and there is thy proof! The butter on the cake! The icing on the bread!"

Trixie pointed her hoof at the dark alicorn. "Trixie doesn't think you're using those expressions correctly..."

"Not one pony cares, foal, because thou uttered this impostor's real name!" Luna giggled. "Now, get out of our sight! Thou have lost!"

"Is that true, Twilight?" Celestia looked at me. "Are you an impostor?"

I was in terrible danger of losing my false identity! But I had a plan... I always had a plan... I had... interpretative dance!

I leapt out of my seat, preparing for the most dramatic display I could muster.

"Oh no! Trixie is not letting you dance again!" My companion forcefully pulled me back into my seat. "Besides, she has a perfectly reasonable explanation for this."

"Oh really!?" Luna laughed.

"It's okay, Princess Luna." Trixie answered. "Trixie knows you are too young to properly understand. She won't belittle you for your mistakes."

"We art thousands of years older than thou!"

"And yet, still not old enough to understand that age is not determined by the years a pony has lived." Trixie smiled.

"That is the very definition of age!" Luna shouted in frustration.

"Age is entirely dependent on a pony's collective wisdom and you, Luna, are still very young. But do not fret, Trixie shall impart some of her greater wisdom upon you."

Luna had given up arguing.

"Trixie called her 'Hooves', because that is her nickname." Trixie made a gesture, as if she was expecting a round of applause.

"Her nickname is 'Hooves'?" Luna laughed again. "That is the most ridiculous-"

"THAT MAKE'S PEREFECT SENSE!" Celestia shouted. "They call her 'Hooves', because, she has hooves!"

"Sister! That's idiotic! Everypony has hooves."

"Nope! Sorry, Luna. I've made up my mind!" Celestia stuck her chin proudly in the air. "And you of all ponies should know: when I make up my mind, I don't change it until somepony is banished to the moon!"

Luna bit her lip.

"Okay! Get that outta here! Forget about it! It's done with." Celestia took a long swig of her wine. "Now! Trixie! I believe you were just about to tell us a story, before Hooves had woken up?"

The princess pointed her hoof at me and winked.

I returned the gesture. I still have no idea why we're doing this.

Celestia then took a sip of her wine and leaned in towards the center of the table expectantly.

"Of course." Trixie nodded. "Trixie was going to tell you a story of epic proportions, the story of why the Great and Powerful Trixie hasn't held a proper mailing address since she was eighteen?"

Celestia happily shook her head up and down.

"What?" Luna intervened. "That doesn't sound epic at all!"

"Ah, yes." Trixie nodded again, ignoring the moon princess. "Well, as the Great and Powerful Trixie may have already informed you, she was following in her famous uncle's hoofsteps and had always dreamed of living in a beautiful mansion in central Manehatten. So after she graduated in the top of her class at Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns and discovered her true passion in the entertainment business, she purchased a magnificent new house right in the middle of the city. It would be Trixie's very first time living outside of her parent's house and she was very excited."

Luna was steaming mad. "Thou has just glazed over nearly half a dozen more interesting stories than how thou lost thy mailing address!"

Trixie ignored Luna again, leaned forward and started waving her hooves in the air.

She breathed in and out loudly. "Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!"

"What is thou doing now?" Luna raised a hoof questioningly.

"Trixie is initiating a flashback." she replied quickly, finally answering the alicorn but still flailing her hooves around. "Woo! Woo! Woo!"

"That's not how you initiate a flashback!" I loudly interrupted. "It's 'Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!'"

"Oh please, Trixie knows how to initiate a flashback and it is most certainly not 'Shhh!', it's 'Woo!'"

"No, you're both wrong," Celestia jumped in, shaking her head vigorously, "it's 'Zow!'"

"It is NOT 'Zow!" Trixie and I chimed in.

Celestia planted her fore hooves on her hips. "But have you ever tried 'Zow'?"

"Shut up! Just shut up!" Luna cried out. "Ugh! Nopony cares! You're all complete foals!"

The moon princess leapt out of her seat.

"If thou have need of us, we are going to be in the little filly's room, avoiding this terrible story." Luna grumbled and stormed away.

"But Princess Luna! You can't go in there! You're not a little filly." I shouted after her, shaking my head.

"Yeah Luna! You're really fat!" Celestia shouted out and broke into a fit of laughter.

Luna picked up a nearby vacant chair and threw it against the wall. "UGH!!!"

The chair shattered into thousands of tiny pieces and several of the other guests glanced in her direction to see what the commotion was.

"Ooooo..." Celestia pretended to be afraid. "Somepony is angry tonight."

It appeared that I had helped construct a genuinely humorous situation, as both Celestia and Trixie were giggling pleasantly. Wanting to extend both my companion's and the princess' glee. I decided to add something else.

"Yes. Luna seems very perturbed, very perturbed indeed." I said.

Trixie and Celestia stopped laughing.

"How very unbecoming of her." I grinned.

Silence.

"Ooooo...." I pretended to be afraid.

It wasn't working. Twilight Sparkle must have trapped them in a temporary stasis in a futile attempt to embarrass me. Oh, you'll get yours, Twilight, you fiend!

"As Trixie was saying..." Trixie slowly pulled her eyes away from my flailing hooves and started flailing her own. "Woo! Woo!"

"Zow." Celestia corrected with a slow nod of her head.

"Trixie doesn't-"

"Just try it."

Trixie shrugged. "Zow! Zow! Zow! Zow!"

I had to agree with Celestia. 'Zow!' had much more pizzazz than I expected. It was much like finding a hole in your pocket. At first, you're sad, because you lost everything that used to be in your pocket, but then you realize that you've got a casserole baking in the oven.

And thus, we entered the mysterious realm of Trixie's flashback, a world that seemed much like the one we were in now, only with much more talking.

"It was so very long ago that Trixie arrived in Manehatten, her hopes and dreams packed tightly into her saddlebags. Late into the evening, the streets were all but abandoned. And only the snow falling from the dark, clouded sky above kept her any company at all as she ventured onward to her future."

Trixie spoke with such passionate emotion. Her words were powerful, but quaint. They seemed to wrap themselves around you, embrace you and lead you on a glorious journey.

Trixie's horn lit up and she swept her hoof across the table, a brilliant image forming in its wake. The picture moved and changed, telling exactly the same story as the one she described, a pony wandering alone through the snowy, barren streets of a strange city.

"But no weather, no lack of company, no darkness would deter Trixie. She wandered on and eventually reached the bright red door of her new house... and her new life..."

Celestia and I were sucked into the story. It wasn't only what we saw and heard, but what we experienced. We could see a great red door. We could hear the snow crunch beneath our hooves. We could smell the wetness of the earth, feel the bitter cold, touch the rugged door with the end of our hooves. It was truly amazing.

The character looked up in bewilderment and, before long, a smile formed on her lips. She was happy. She was happy for all that she worked for, all her dreams that had come true, all that simply was. And because the character was happy, I was happy too. I saw what she saw and I felt what she felt. I was there. I was her.

Trixie's words poured into my ears. "Only one thing stood between Trixie and the wonderful dreams she had longed to live. Only one thing stood in her way... a simple door.

"All she needed to do now was put the key in and turn the handle..."

A small golden key was lifted out of my bag and pushed into the keyhole. The key turned and the door opened. The image turned black and a bizarre, sickly smell wafted into my nose.

Trixie spoke again. "But though it was Trixie's dream to own and live inside that wondrous house, she could have never dreamed of the things that waited inside. The horrible, terrible things..."

I gasped loudly as a bright flash illuminated the picture and all was blinded in its light. Nothing remained but myself, lost in a great expanse of white nothingness.

But the white light soon receded and I was joined by strange silhouettes, silhouettes of dark, disturbing creatures.

Trixie continued. "Through the blinding light, Trixie could only catch faint glances of the horrible, screeching abominations around her. Their tongues were long and extended inwards and outwards like clockwork. And on top of their heads, they brandished terrible, sharp horns, like nothing she had ever seen before!"

As the monster silhouettes appeared in the image before me, I couldn't help noticing that they looked vaguely familiar. Actually, the whole story sounded vaguely familiar.

"But standing in front of her, amongst these horrible monsters, was a mere pony. A pony that Trixie could only believe was manifested from pure evil."

Standing there before me, in the middle of the room, was an ominous grey pony with a dark, charcoal mane.

Well, that's different...

"Petrified, Trixie dropped her keys and her bags, opening her mouth wide and shrieking louder than a rusty nail on a blackboard. Shortly after, the bright light dimmed before her, the noises settled to a murmur, the grey pony became a simple blurry grey object and Trixie promptly passed out on the floor."

Mimicking her actions, I too felt myself scream and the world fade around me. But when all turned black, I opened my mouth.

"You know, this exact same thing happened to me." I interrupted. "Well, except the pony was pink."

The image, the smells, the feeling, it all seemed to spark and fizzle and after a moment, it all just caught on fire. But as soon as the fire started, I was pulled back into reality and I found myself sitting there with Trixie blowing furiously on a flaming table in front of us.

"Awww... What happened!?" Celestia sniffed. "I liked that story. Very dramatic!"

When the fire was put out, leaving a smelly, smoking black spot on the wood, Trixie gave me a fierce look. "What do you mean this happened to you!?"

"Yeah! I had the same experience." I shook my head in agreement. "Isn't that weird?"

"No, that's not weird! That's impossible. This didn't happen to you. This is a very unique experience that could only ever happen to the Great and Powerful Trixie. You must be confused."

"Nope. I'm pretty sure it's the same experience."

Trixie scoffed. "Ok. Then what happens next?"

"You wake up in your new house with your saddlebags in one corner of the room. Your keys are on top of them and you begin to think that it was all just a dream until-"

Trixie and I spoke simultaneously. "you find a note on your bedside table that says:

"You sure haven’t been to many parties before, have you? Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it."

Celestia clapped her hooves together excitedly. "Hey cool! Is this part of the story!?"

"Wait, what?" Trixie asked. "You actually had the same experience!?"

"Uhhh... yeah." I answered. "That's why I wore those contacts- AWWW! Now I remembered I broke those..."

It sure was difficult finding a pair of contact lenses like those. They don't usually sell the ones I buy. I think they must be imported or something, because you have to look really hard to find that fancy brand called 'Defective! Do Not Sell!'.

"Well then..." Trixie stated plainly. "Trixie hopes you're happy. You've just devalued one of the most life-altering moments of her life. She thinks she shall go cry about this when she goes home..."

For a moment, we sat in silence, reflecting on our similar experiences.

Wait... If they already ordered their food... What am I going to eat!?

"I still don't get it." Celestia shrugged. "Why don't you have a real mailing address?"

Trixie's response was far from enthusiastic. "Well, after Trixie woke up in that bedroom, she sold her place and refused to live in a house ever again. She didn't want to have to endure the same terrible experience she had in her youth.

"Trixie lives in mobile homes now. She doesn't have any problem with those and it helps her save money, not having to rent a hotel room when she travels."

"Well, Trixie, that wasn't quite as epic as you made it out to be..." Celestia admitted.

"No..." Trixie sighed. "No it was not."

"Good evening, everpyony." Luna announced, returning to her seat. "We are feeling much better now."

"Yeah, I always feel that way after I take a big dump." Celestia smiled.

"Great! Thank you, sister." Luna smiled back. "Now we don't feel so well anymore."

"Always happy to help." Celestia said.

Celestia downed her entire glass of wine. She then fumbled around, looking for more.

"Hey!" She looked at her sister in horror. "Luna, I don't think I have any more wine!"

Luna's previously defeated expression imploded in on itself and was replaced by an evil grin.

"Oh." Luna chuckled quietly, staring directly at me. "Good."

________________________________________________________________________

Author's Notes:

Hello everyone! I don't have much to say this time, but I hope you enjoyed the chapter and that you're looking forward to the next one!

My thanks goes out to both my editor, Specter Von Baren, and my prereader, themadkossak. Your time and patience are much appreciated and you both really help keep this story rolling on the right track.

If you have any questions or comments about the story, feel free to email me at admin@theamberfox.ca. I also keep a close eye on the comments below, so you can reach me there too.

________________________________________________________________________

Disclaimer:

Chapter 6

The Mailmare
By theamberfox

Chapter 6

Princess Celestia is out of wine!

I immediately began hyperventilating. I remembered seeing a pony hyperventilate in the dentist's office one time and it seemed like a good idea. After all, oxygen is an important part of life. It keeps you going. It makes you smart! It makes you tough! So if a pony were to get some extra oxygen in their diet, wouldn't they be even tougher and smarter than usual? To think otherwise would be absolutely ludicrous! No pony can have too much of a good thing. That's why they call it a good thing and not a bad thing!

"Woah! Calm down, Hooves." Trixie held me by the shoulders and stared directly into my eyes. "This is not the time to panic."

Panic!? Me!? What a ridiculous notion!

"I'm *huff* not *huff* panicking!" I explained through exasperated breathes. "I'm *huff* strategizing!"

Yes, I was sure this new hyperventilating tactic would lead me to glory. But it certainly was a peculiar feeling, this extra toughness and smartness. Indeed, it almost felt like this excess of oxygen was actually a poison. My head felt clouded and strange, like it was trapped in a sea of thick cream cheese. And my limbs, they felt heavy and weak, like they were also in a sea of thick cream cheese. All I wanted to do was lie down and just get away from all this cream cheese, but I needed to fight through it! I needed that extra oxygen, that extra boost if I was going to save the world from the wrath of Twilight Sparkle.

"Stop it!" Trixie slapped me across the face.

I narrowed my eyes to thin slits. She had gone too far. She had interrupted my concentration when it was at its finest and now I had nothing! All my extra smartness and toughness was gone!

"I don't think you know what you're doing, friend." I said warily, my gaze unblinking, fixed upon her face.

Trixie stared back at me with the same harsh resolve. "The Great and Powerful Trixie knows exactly what she's doing. She always knows exactly what she's doing."

"Do you really? Do you truly understand what you have done!?" I prodded her in the chest. "Do you understand the consequences, the action and the reaction, the past, the present and the future and how it will all change now because of what you've just done!? Do you really, truly understand!?"

Trixie did not respond immediately. Instead, she continued to stare. Her lips trembled, as if she wanted to say something, but couldn't. It was as if my words had touched her very soul and made her regret what she had done. Or perhaps it was something else. Perhaps she was so determined, so convinced that she was right that she could do nothing else...

Or perhaps, as evidenced by the rest of the table's clear mystification as well as the small amount of drool on my chin, I was still just recovering from my hyperventilated state and the excellent speech I thought I had made was not quite so excellent and was actually a lot more incoherent than I imagined.

"Um... Your highness? Princess Luna? Ladies?" The stout waiter with the irritating voice had returned with a cart of food and was looking upon us with concern. "A thousand pardons, but I have brought your meals. Would you care to eat them now, or am I interrupting something important?"

Luna, who had remained silent for all this time, motioned for the waiter to come closer. "We believe those two idiots are in the middle of a duel or something, but honestly, we wouldn't mind our meal now. Making sense of this situation is a rather fruitless ambition."

"Fruit! Oh yeah! I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse!" Princess Celestia snatched a plate from the cart.

The waiter turned pale at the thought.

Maybe it was her breath, which still smelled like two dozen pickled eggs, or maybe it was her new hat, which was really my hat, but whatever the case, the waiter seemed to have an interesting habit of changing colours whenever Princess Celestia opened her mouth.

"Can you two wait until after we eat before you continue your duel?" Celestia asked.

Celestia looked down at her plate. On it was a large bowl of thick orange soup, garnished with a small green leaf that floated gently on the surface. Crowded around the plate like vigilant soldiers guarding their castle was an assortment of about twenty different kinds of dinner rolls in all sorts and sizes. I was both intrigued and slightly bewildered by the display, but everypony else just rolled their eyes.

"I think we're done." I looked at Trixie. "We're done right?"

"Trixie doesn't even know what we're doing." she shrugged.

"Oh, I don't really know either. I was just trying to make a scene." I smiled and shrugged. "I like making a scene. Making a scene is fun."

"What is wrong with thou!" Luna complained. "'Making a scene is not fun!"

Trixie shook her head in disagreement. "Not true. Making a scene is very fun. In fact, Trixie has the most fun in her life when she's making a scene."

"Hey, I like making a scene too!" Celestia grinned. "I think making a scene is an important part of a healthy, balanced lifestyle."

Celestia's grin deepened and she leaned over the table.

"This one time... I was making a scene... and... while there was this wine on the table, right? See, I like wine and I think wine is an important part of a healthy, balanced lifestyle..." Celestia leaned back away from the table and looked at her sister. "By the way, I still need some more wine, Luna. I'm all out and I really think I need some more wine."

Celestia looked at the waiter as he set a plate down beside Luna. The moon princess had ordered some kind of salad and her plate was covered in a jungle of leafy green foliage. It honestly seemed like too mundane of a meal for a pony of her size and stature, but then again, I really can't say I knew what a princess was supposed to eat.

"Waiter! Bring me more wine!" Celestia commanded, pounding the table with her hoof and raising her empty glass in the air.

As if it were terribly funny that she made such demands, Celestia chuckled at her own display.

The waiter looked to the princess with a bright smile on his face and an eager twitch in his limbs. There was nothing he wanted more than to please Celestia and get her more wine. But before he said or did anything at all, his gaze was inexplicably drawn away, towards the other, younger princess.

But the dark alicorn was not quite as happy as her sister. She stared daggers at the waiter. Shaking her head in disapproval, she rapidly drew her hoof across her neck in a very threatening manner.

"Well!?" Celestia tried to sound annoyed, but the playful giggling between her words spoiled the attempt. "Your princess needs more wine, lad! Do you intend to keep her waiting!?"

"I'm... I'm sorry, your highness. We don't... we don't have anymore wine." the waiter said, sounding very unsure of himself.

"No more wine! How dare thee utter those bitter words at the royal table!" Celestia could barely contain her laughter. "Get me something else then. Anything with alcohol in it."

The waiter looked at Luna.

Luna shook her head.

The waiter swallowed hard. "I'm sorry, you highness. We don't have anymore alcohol."

"No alcohol! I swear, you are the most useless waiter in the world!" Celestia frowned.

The white alicorn pressed her fore hooves against her temples and closed her eyes. The entire table fell silent as she slipped into deep, contemplative thought.

Not too much later, her eyelids flew open, she turned to the waiter and she asked him in a rapid and desperate tone, "What about mouthwash? Do you have any mouthwash?"

"Sister!" Luna was aghast. "We will not let thou drink mouthwash!"

"Well, what do you want me to do, Luna? Shrivel up and die?" Celestia frantically cried out. "I'm dying here!"

"Thou art not dying, sister. Thou art finally sobering up."

Trixie and I looked at each other. We were both still worried about that. We needed to find more wine, fast... Though, I still had no idea why we needed to feed the princess so much expired juice.

Perhaps, I thought, our plan is to send her on a lavatory vacation? I do hope she sends me a postcard...

Celestia cringed. She clutched her chest with one fore hoof and held herself up with the other. She seemed to be in a great deal of pain.

Her voice dry and raspy, she shouted out, "Sober!"

She cringed again. Her mouth gently quivered and her eyes watered. Her pupils shrunk.

"Princess Celestia?" The waiter seemed very worried now.

Celestia shot her hoof into the air in the most magnificent fashion. And, for a moment, she seemed to hang there, frozen in time and space. But it was a fleeting moment and she soon fell from her statuesque pose. She slumped onto the table, her hat flew off and her face slammed against the bowl of soup in a spectacular fashion. The bowl capsized and dinner rolls and a monsoon of orange liquid flew in every direction, thoroughly soaking the table around her.

"Oh dear! Your highness, are you alright!?" The waiter panicked, rushing to the alicorn's side.

Celestia plucked a now very orange face off of the table and turned it to the waiter. Her expression was dead. Boring and plain, it told me nothing of her mood and I had no idea what to expect from her next.

Celestia giggled childishly.

"I completely forgot about the soup." She smirked. "I was all like, 'Sober!' WHAM!"

Celestia threw her hooves in the air.

"Right in the soup!" She laughed again.

The waiter frowned and scratched his head. "Shall I get you some more soup, your majesty?"

Celestia just giggled.

Luna sighed. "Don't bother. It will likely take thou a week to find all those bread rolls again. We shall clean it up."

"Princess?" The waiter seemed puzzled.

But Luna ignored him and focused the magic around her horn. Gradually, all the soup on the table, in the bread rolls and on Celestia's face, mane, and beautiful cream coloured ball gown began to gather in the air. It floated there for a moment before transforming into a puffy orange cloud that drifted over top of Celestia's overturned bowl. The bowl turned itself upright and then, from the bizarre cloud, it began to rain. And for only the second time in my life, it rained pumpkin and squash soup.

The first time it had rained pumpkin and squash soup was at my eleventh birthday when I developed incredible psychic powers. The psychic powers were a rare gift from a genie. He told me I could use my powers only for good and never for evil. So of course the first thing I did was use my powers to feed the orphans outside my window, by showering them with a righteous spray of pumpkin and squash soup.

The orphans quickly fled and without delay, the genie turned to me and angrily asked, "Why did you do that!?"

"I wanted to feed the poor," I replied.

"They aren't poor! They're cats!" he shouted back.

"All cats are poor." I replied earnestly.

The genie then took my powers away and impaled himself with a fork, never to be seen again.

Turning my attention back to the soup, I noticed the last of the cloud had dissipated, the bowl was full and the scattered dinner rolls were gathered and neatly placed around their centerpiece. Finally, the little green leaf was found and returned back to the exact center of the meal and the setting looked, for all intents and purposes, perfectly identical to how it did when Celestia's meal first arrived.

"Eww." Celestia whined, seemingly unsure of what to make of this strange magic. "It's been on the ground. I don't want soup that's been on the ground."

"Now sister, we filtered out every particle of dirt, dust, and anything else that could possibly be unappetizing." Luna explained matter-of-factly. "We dare say thy soup is cleaner than it was when it first arrived."

Celestia just leaned forward in her chair and smelled the soup. But just as soon as the warm scent had filled her nostrils, her head darted backwards and she turned to Luna with a look of great disgust, agony and even horror!

"Where's my hat!? I don't have my hat!" she squealed.

Luna rolled her eyes, her horn flared and, from out of nowhere, that undersized black top hat of mine appeared on top of the white alicorn's head. As soon as it did, Celestia merely grinned happily, as if she hadn't a care in the world, and she leaned back forward to smell the soup again.

Luan rolled her eyes again.

"Is that what you did on the moon?" Trixie teased. "You learned how to clean up soup?"

The waiter wandered back to the cart and picked up another plate.

"It's not just cleaning up soup!" Luna argued. "It's much more complicated than that!"

The waiter walked over beside Trixie and set a plate down in front of her. It appeared to be some kind of pasta, tortellini perhaps. The whole thing was drenched in so much tomato sauce I honestly couldn't tell. The only thing left untouched by the thick dressing was a small, oblong piece of toast.

It both amazed and saddened me, that piece of toast. As a young filly, I had taken lessons from the great "Master of Toast". It was not an easy life and it required an immense degree of concentration and diligence. And even after five years of careful study, I could not cook a perfect piece of toast like the one that waited on Trixie's plate. But after those five years had passed, I realized that the great 'Master of Toast' was actually a piece of toast himself. At that exact moment, a giant iron 'E' fell from the heavens and crushed the 'Master of Toast' under it's tremendous weight.

Confused and slightly depressed, I sold that giant iron 'E' and bought some kind of 'toasting machine' at my local drug store. I still haven't used it yet.

"What kinds of soup can you clean up?" Trixie snorted. "Vegetable barley? Corn chowder?"

"It's not just soup! It's an extremely complicated combination of filtration and gathering spells that require years of practice."

The waiter walked back to the cart to retrieve what I assumed would be my own meal.

"Ok, so you can clean up coffee and milk and stuff too? That's cool. Did you do anything else on the moon, or did you just spend all one thousand years learning how to clean up soup and stuff?"

"Yeah, what did you do on the moon, Luna?" Celestia added, taking a substantial bite out of one of the dinner rolls.

"We did lots of things!" Luna declared, nodding feverishly. "We also... um... well, we wrote a song!"

"What's it about?" I asked.

The waiter set a plate in front of me. On it, was one thing and one thing only. It appeared to be some kind of brown lump that the chef had seared dark lines into over the grill. Other than that, I could not hope to describe this disturbing thing in front of me.

"Is it about soup?" Trixie asked. "Because if it's about soup, Trixie doesn't want to hear anything about it."

"It's not about soup!" Luna protested.

The moon princess then hung her head, as if she knew she was going to regret what she was about to say.

She took a deep breath before continuing, but still, her voice quivered ever so gently when she spoke, "When I was alone... on the moon..."

"Hey, what is this?" I pointed to the brown mass in front of me.

"Hey, yeah! What is that thing?" Trixie asked, eyes wide with interest. "It's like, totally weird!"

"Ugh!" Luna's head snapped back up and she gnashed her teeth. "You ponies are impossible! Can you not hold your attention to one thing for longer than five seconds?"

"But, just look at this thing!" Trixie exclaimed, waving a hoof at the brown blob.

"Yeah, this is not what I ordered." I said to the waiter.

"Miss, I believe you were unconscious when everypony else ordered." the waiter explained. "As such, Princess Luna insisted on ordering for you."

"Ohhhhh..." I slowly nodded. "Well, what is it?"

"It's called meat." Luna said begrudgingly. "And we ordered it for thou because..."

The dark alicorn took a second to collect herself.

"Because we wanted thou to demonstrate thy excellent magical ability that we have heard so very much about." Luna said, trying to forget her anger.

"What?" Trixie sputtered, her mouth full of pasta.

"Meat needs to be properly cut before it can be chewed and ingested." Luna said. "Thou must wield a knife and cut thy meat into manageable portions. But that is something we're sure thou will be more than capable of."

Luna let a sly grin work its way onto her face. Somehow she knew I had no chance of actually cutting that brown blob into smaller portions. That's why she ordered it for me. She wanted me to look like a fool! She wanted to prove that I wasn't a unicorn!

"But you still haven't explained what meat is." Trixie noted.

Luna's grin grew larger. "Oh, we won't badger thee with all the petty details. It is simply a Canterlot delicacy."

I poked the meat with the end of my hoof. It was soft and squishy and when I pressed down upon it-

"WOAH!!!" Trixie, Celestia and I all cried out at once.

The meat secreted some kind of strange, red juice!

"MY WORD!" I yanked my hoof away. "You're right, Princess Luna! This meat is incredibly delicate! I can't even touch it!"

Celestia was holding her thumping chest and Trixie's mouth was hanging wide with wonder, bits of pasta falling out and onto the table in a very uncivil display.

Slightly annoyed, Luna tried to correct me, "That's not what 'delicacy' means."

I poked the meat again. More strange red juice squirted out of the odd brown lump and once again, Trixie, Celestia and I cried out.

This 'meat' is just plain wrong!

"What is that!?" Trixie asked, pointing at the red juice.

"It's freakin' me out, guys!" Celestia panicked.

I pulled my hoof away. "Princess, this 'meat' is much too delicate to eat! I wish to order something else!"

"That is not what 'delicacy' means." Luna was quite a bit more agitated now. "Could you even-"

I poked the meat again, harder this time. A significant amount of red juice fled from the meat.

"Stop poking it!" Luna snatched the plate away from my hoof.

The moon princess directed her attention towards Celestia. The white alicorn was still staring wordlessly at the meat.

"Sister!?" In addition to her annoyance, Luna sounded surprised. "Why is thou acting like this? Thou hast seen meat before!"

Celestia's expression instantly reverted to it's normal, relaxed state.

"Everypony else was doing it." She shrugged innocently. "I didn't want to feel left out."

"I want to poke the meat again." I said.

"Can I poke the meat too?" Trixie asked.

"I wanna poke the meat." Celestia whined hopefully.

"No!" Luna shouted.

Celestia peered over at her sister. "You can poke it too."

"Nopony is poking the meat!" Luna picked up a fork and a knife up off the table and leisurely tossed both utensils in front of me. "Twilight is going to eat the meat."

I looked at the fork and the knife with some hesitation.

Convinced enough that I wouldn't poke it again, Luna slid the plate of meat back in front of me and smiled curtly. "And we are all going to watch her."

"Pardon, Princess?" the waiter interrupted.

I was surprised he hadn't left yet.

"Would you also like me to watch Miss Sparkle eat the meat?" he asked.

Luna raised an eyebrow at the waiter. "What? No, we don't care what thou does."

"Well then, with your permission, your majesty, I would like to watch Miss Sparkle eat the meat."

"What!?" Luna was furious. "No! Just get out of here! You're a waiter! Do your job!"

Disappointed and ashamed, the stout waiter returned to his cart and slowly began pushing it away.

"Now, now, Luna." Celestia lectured her sibling, waving a hoof in her face. "That wasn't very nice. He just wanted to see some meat get eaten."

"We don't care!" Luna growled. "Just hurry up and eat that meat already, Sparkle!"

"I need to consult with my meat eating advisor first." I declared with a firm nod.

"No! No meat eating advisors!"

"Princess Luna, Twilight Sparkle has a right to an attorney." Trixie slammed the table with her hoof. "Who are you to deny her that right!?"

"We are the guardian of the moon! WE ARE PRINCESS LUNA!!" she argued. "And she does not have the right to a meat eating advisor!"

"And do you have any proof of that claim?" Trixie argued back, jabbing her hoof at the dark alicorn.

Luna pointed back, but at me instead of Trixie as I had expected. "OK! And does she have proof that she's actually Twilight Sparkle!?"

I started to speak. "I-"

"You don't have to answer that." Trixie interrupted me.

My new friend turned to Luna with a smug expression.

"You know what?" Trixie said. "Even if she wanted to, Twilight couldn't eat this meat."

"Of course she can't. She can't even pick up the fork. She's not a-" Luna was cut off.

"She can't eat this meat because she doesn't know how!" Trixie declared, pounding the table again with her hoof. "Not one single pony has told her how to eat this meat!"

"She does have a point, Luna." Celestia agreed. "Hooves doesn't know how to eat the meat."

Luna was boiling over. She looked ready to explode.

I crouched down low in my seat to avoid the blast.

"I ALREADY TOLD HER HOW TO EAT IT!!!" Luna screamed.

"OBJECTION!!!" Trixie intervened. "That was not a proper explanation and you know it!"

"Sustained!" Celestia cried out.

The white alicorn slammed the table twice with her hoof. Several bread rolls fell off her plate and some of the soup splashed onto the table.

And then the inevitable happened. Luna exploded.

"NO! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!!! SHE IS GOING TO EAT THAT MEAT WHETHER-"

"OBJECTION SUSTAINED!!!" Celestia cried out with such power that the whole room shook under the weight of her voice.

The older sister then slammed her hooves against the table with such fury, determination and strength that the entire table exploded. The cups shattered, the plates shattered, even the massive wooden legs supporting the table shattered! I blinked and before I even knew what had happened, I was thrown from my chair and there was a tremendous boom as something hit the floor! When I opened my eyes, the table legs were gone and the huge, flat surface of the table was sitting on the ground, covered with smashed glass and porcelain and splattered with all our food.

Trixie, Luna and I were lying on the ground and Celestia was standing over the table like a champion standing proudly in front of her troops. Her magnificent mane and tail flowed majestically in the fictional wind and her dress gleamed in the faint sunlight as it crept in through the windows behind her and cast long shadows over the room.

The only thing that seemed out of place was that little black top hat, still sitting precariously on her head.

"Objection sustained!" Celestia firmly announced once more.

When I looked down at her feet, I saw it. The meat was there, perfectly intact, but covered with chunks of food and glass. I had to admit, it actually looked more appetizing with the extra colour.

Trixie sat on the ground beside me. She was in the exact same spot she had been in previously, but her chair was just gone. It was as if the chair had simply disintegrated into thin air, as there was certainly no trace of it left anywhere in the near vicinity. And with it gone, Trixie just blinked her eyes and watched seemingly nothing at all.

And Luna... Luna didn't seem to know what to say or do at all. She, like nearly all of the ponies in the dining hall, acted as if a meteor had struck our table and the only thing that was left was that stupid meat. I swear she had even forgotten how to breathe, as her face turned paler by the minute.

Finally, Celestia looked at the mess around her and seemed to regain her awareness of the situation.

"Luna?" Celestia asked as she planted her rear firmly on the ground a few inches away from the table. "I may need you to clean up my soup again."

Luna batted her eyelashes at her sibling before responding in complete monotony, "We won't ask how you broke our table like that, as we firmly believe we will never truly know, even with an explanation, but why, sister? Why did thou feel so inclined to do that?"

"I thought it was appropriate." Celestia gently nodded. "You were acting like a real foal."

Luna glanced over the broken table lying on the floor. I think she wanted to take it all in one more time. If nothing else, it really was an interesting phenomenon. It was like watching a mountain stand up and walk away. No matter how many times you saw it, you would never really believe it.

And then, with a heavy breath and an empty voice, Luna said, "We will try to be more considerate of others."

"Good." Celestia said. "I expect nothing less."

Still unknowing of just what we were supposed to do, Trixie, Luna and I scooted ourselves closer to the table and propped ourselves up in sitting positions. And from that point onwards, we proceeded to pretend that the table legs were still there, the chairs were still beneath us, and the table wasn't an absolute disaster. It certainly made a lot more sense than the reality of the situation.

"Would you care for some meat, Twilight?" Celestia asked me.

I looked at the food spattered, glass covered brown lump with uncertainty. "Uh... Yeah, sure. I'm pretty hungry after all of that."

And with that, the table erupted back into it's regular disorder.

"What is wrong with thou!?" Luna asked in shear frustration. "Was that all for nothing!? Do any of you have any common sense at all, or do you prefer to live on the very fringe of your own mind!?"

I think, maybe, that the princess was trying to offend me, but she wasn't doing a very good job. Perhaps some ponies might be offended by her suggestion, but I think I prefer not to have any common sense at all. No, I have more extravagant, interesting and diverse sense, not just boring old common sense.

But before I could express my feelings to the princess, that irritating waiter appeared out of nowhere and interrupted us again, "Pardon me, Princess Celestia, your highness?"

I think Princess Luna was really starting to hate that waiter.

The waiter, however, seemed to be the only one left who was still concerned with the destroyed table and his eyes remained focused on the catastrophe I had refused to believe.

Predicting his question, Celestia responded quickly. "Oh, don't worry about the table, waiter. We haven't really noticed a difference."

"Actually, that's not why I am here, your highness." The waiter finally turned away from the disaster and looked at Celestia. "I'm here because you requested that I was to inform you if one of your guests made a substitution to their meal."

Shocked by this news, Celestia stiffened in her place.

"Of course! Thank you, sir!" Picking herself up off the floor in a hurry, she then turned to us and with a quick nod, she said, "Ladies. I have important business matters to attend to."

She then took her leave from the table and abandoned the rest of us to ignorance. What was she talking about? The waiter seemed to know, but he did not have any desire to share that information with us and hurried back to the kitchen instead.

I didn't let it bother me. I was hungry!

I reached across the table for the meat.

"At least let us clean it off first." Luna said. "We don't like thou, impostor, but we do not wish to see thou stuff thy mouth with broken glass."

I reluctantly complied and paused for a moment while Luna lifted the meat up, plucked all the broken glass and bits of food from it, and set it down on the cleanest piece of porcelain left on the table. I imagine it was part of Celestia's soup bowl, but I could be wrong. There really wasn't any way to tell anymore.

When she was done, I stared at the strange brown blob for a moment. I still wasn't really sure I wanted to eat that thing, but after looking around once more, I concluded that it was the most appetizing thing left on the table and I just kind of bit gently into the side of it. My teeth sunk effortlessly into the meat and I proceeded to tear off a tiny chunk and sit back in my seat.

Luna and Trixie both watched as I leisurely chewed the meat once, then twice, then three times. It was... It was strange. It was juicy and... interesting and...

"THIS IS FANTASTIC!!!" I shouted in delight. "This is the best thing I have ever had. It's amazing. It's wonderful! It's tasty and delicious and savoury all at once and I..."

Trixie looked a little surprised, obviously not expecting me to actually like that horrible-looking brown mass.

Luna just smiled.

"I want more." I said.

I picked up the meat with both hooves and ripped off another chunk of the thing. The juices rolled gently down my arms and soaked the cuffs of my white shirt, but I didn't even care. I didn't care what I looked like eating this thing. Nothing in this world, even muffins, could compare to what I was eating now!

Luna's smile grew brighter.

"Give me some!" Trixie pleaded.

I didn't want to share it, but it felt criminal to keep this magnificent thing all to myself.

I tossed the juicy brown lump to Trixie. With her magic, she caught it in mid-air and very gently nibbled the side of it.

"This is amazing!" Trixie laughed out loud.

She took a massive chunk out of the thing with her teeth and then passed it back to me so I could do the same.

Luna started to laugh. It was quiet at first, insignificant even, but the more we chewed and swallowed and enjoyed that awesome thing called 'meat', the louder it grew.

We ignored her and ate the meat like ravenous animals! Trixie seemed to forget her magic and simply stole the thing away from me with her bare hooves. And after what only seemed like seconds, the huge blob of brown was reduced to a tiny scrap and eventually disappeared completely. The only thing left of it was the red juice that covered our lips and hooves and the delicious taste that still coated our throats and our memories.

But that wasn't enough! We wanted more! We wanted so much more! But seeing that there was none left in the immediate area and finally starting to recognize the now passionate volume of Luna's laughter beside us, we felt we couldn't ignore her any longer.

"You alright?" Trixie asked, licking her lips and her stained hooves a few times before wiping the last remnants off on the tablecloth.

Luna smiled fervently. "We should ask you the same thing! After all, thou just ate every last scrap of the meat!"

Trixie let out an exasperated sigh.

"Alright, Trixie admits defeat, your majesty." Trixie bowed gingerly, not really putting much effort or care into the gesture at all. "You were right. Trixie was wrong. The meat was delicious."

"That's not what we mean." Luna shook her head. "What you just ate was..."

Luna paused and gently giggled to herself. But Trixie found nothing funny in her laughter. The long silence seemed to concern her more and more and my companion's attitude quickly took a turn for the worse.

"What!? What was it!?" Trixie demanded. "Was it garbage!? Was it-"

"LAMB!" Luna finally cried out.

Trixie looked like she had seen a ghost, but I didn't quite understand.

"What do you mean?" I asked Luna.

"You ate a sheep!" Luna grinned and put a strange emphasis on her words. "You ate an animal that we cooked over the grill! You ate an animal and, we dare say, you enjoyed it to!"

Ate... an animal... The thought filled my head like a cloud of buzzing locusts. Did I really eat an animal... and... enjoy it?

"You mean..." Trixie's voice shook in the air. "You killed something... and then fed it to us?"

Luna chuckled and nodded with content. "Yes!"

Trixie's face turned a faint green and she turned away.

My stomach began to rumble.

Suddenly, Trixie turned back to the table with a smile as big as her face. The green was gone completely and she seemed quite genuinely happy about something.

"Hahaha!" Trixie laughed.

Luna was astonished. As was I.

"Trixie was just joking! She loved the meat! The meat was delicious! She doesn't care that it came from a sheep!"

"But..." Luna's grin quickly faded. "Thou hast eaten an animal!"

"All the better!" Trixie pounded her chest with her hoof. "Now Trixie feels like a vicious conqueror!"

My faithful companion got up from her seat on the floor and raised a hoof threateningly.

"BOW DOWN TO THE GREAT AND ALL POWERFUL TRIXIE, MORTALS! BOW DOWN NOW OR TRIXIE WILL BE FORCED TO EAT YOU!!!"

When she had finished shouting, Trixie returned to her seat with a proud look on her face.

"How many ponies can say they've eaten an animal!?" Trixie smirked. "How many ponies can say they enjoyed eating an animal!?"

Luna was a little more disgusted than angry. She was visibly shaken by Trixie's response, evidently expecting a much different reaction.

"And thou?" Luna cast a worried glance towards me. "Don't tell us thou enjoyed it too?"

My stomach was still rumbling in an unsettling fashion.

And then I burped and the rumbling feeling was gone.

I shrugged. "I thought it was pretty good."

Luna looked horrified.

"What have we done...?" she whispered to herself.

"I'll have some more if you've got it." I added. "I didn't get to-"

But before I could finish my sentence, screams and hollers filled the air like trumpets!

Panic arrested me and I had absolutely no clue what was happening.

"WHY!? OH CELESTIA, WHY!?" a voice cried out in dismay.

"The horror! THE HORROR!" another voice shrieked.

"And that's what you get for making substitutions!" Celestia's voice warned.

Luna turned pale, Trixie turned pale, and I finally realized what 'business matters' Celestia had been referring to.

A disgusting scent wafted in my direction.

I didn't want anymore meat.

"Well, what do you know. I think I made enough room for dessert." Celestia smiled as she wandered back to our table.

Luna was clearly not enjoying herself. "Sister... We are not even going to ask."

"Haha!" Celestia laughed. "I pooped on that pony's plate!"

Luna covered her face in embarrassment and shame.

Celestia sat down at the table and scratched her head.

"I still can't find any alcohol, though." she admitted. "It's too bad, because I think I'm sobering up now. I really thought I would enjoy pooping on that pony's plate, but I kind of feel... bad for him..."

I could tell that these weird new feelings confused the princess. She tried to shake them away, but it was a futile effort.

"Well, I guess if I'm sober, it might as well be during the speeches and the presentations." the white alicorn sighed. "Twilight? Did I give you a program in that letter I sent you?"

I never got a program, so I shook my head in denial. But to be honest, I wasn't really thinking about that, and from what I could tell, neither was Trixie.

Celestia was changing. Her voice was growing clearer and more elegant. It was like she was turning into a completely different pony and it was happening so fast it was unreal.

And then it hit me. I finally understood! I knew what the alcohol was doing to her! The alcohol must have suppressed some kind of gene in the princess that made her boring!

Luna slowly turned to her sister and smiled. She knew exactly what was happening. This is what she wanted all along. She wanted the princess to be boring! The boring princess must have paid more attention to boring details like clothes and the colour of a pony's hair and the sound of a pony's voice. The boring princess would be especially boring and so she would see that I wasn't really Twilight Sparkle! The boring princess would throw me out of the party!

Oh, but if only she knew the truth. If only she knew that I was fighting an evil minion of the darkness! If only she knew that my goal was to keep a terrible tyrant at bay!

I hid my face behind a hoof, trying to disguise my appearance from Celestia.

"I really do hope I did, Twilight." the boring princess said. "It would be a very foolish mistake on my part if I forgot to send you a program. I know how much you like to plan ahead and follow all the events in their precise order. You know, that's part of the reason I asked you to come..."

The boring princess was very boring and I found it especially difficult to pay attention and listen to her boringness. However, when her boring voice suddenly shifted to a more interesting, concerned voice, she grabbed my attention again.

"...Twilight?" the slightly less boring princess asked.

I peered over the top of my hoof and looked at the two alicorns. Luna was as happy as a pony could be, but Celestia was really very concerned.

"Are you alright? You don't look well, Twilight." Celestia asked gently.

Trixie leaned towards me and whispered in my ear. "We need more alcohol! Anything! Now!"

I began to sweat. We had neglected this problem for far too long and now it was almost too late.

I felt around in my pockets, hoping, wishing for something to be there that could help me. But when my hoof fell back upon that cold bottle resting in my pocket, everything went terribly wrong.

My mind went fuzzy. I forgot all about our problem. I forgot all about Celestia and Luna and Trixie and the entire party. All I wanted was that sweet, delicious syrup. But when I pulled the bottle out of my pocket, I could feel somepony else's eyes watching it. Trixie saw it. She saw the bottle and she smiled.

"Haha! Hooves, you devil, you!" Trixie chuckled quietly. "Why didn't you tell Trixie you had that bottle? That's exactly what we need."

Exactly what WE need!? I thought, instinctually becoming defensive of my beautiful bottle of tasty maple syrup. HA! I think not. This bottle is mine.

"Give it to Celestia." Trixie said, still smiling.

I turned slowly to face my friend and stared at her with a cold gaze. "I don't want to give it to Celestia."

"What do you mean? Celestia needs that bottle." Trixie persisted.

I was starting to get angry. Why did she want it? What was she going to do with it?

"Well I don't want to give her the bottle." I fought back.

Trixie leaned in closer, but I quickly leaned away. She was trying to take it from me!

"I think you should give the bottle to Celestia, Hooves. Is that so hard?" she asked.

"Well, no... and... yes." I replied, gently caressing the bottle with the end of my hoof. "Now it comes to it, I don't feel like parting with it. It's mine, I found it. It came to me!"

"There's no need to get angry." Trixie said.

How could she say such a thing!

"Well if I'm angry it's your fault!" I gnashed back at her. "It's mine... my only... my precious."

"I think you've had that bottle quite long enough."

"You want it for yourself!" I screamed and jumped to my hooves.

Without looking back, not even once, I ran through the dining hall, passed all the tables, all the waiters and all those stupid nobles and straight out into the main hall. When I got there, I rushed behind one of the stalls and pushed my back against a corner. I wanted to make sure that no pony had followed me, so I carefully peered around the stall and out into the hall. But no pony had followed me. The whole room was empty... deserted. Sure, the signs and the stalls were still there, but all the ponies were gone. They were all in the dining hall, eating and having a good time, not a single care in the world plaguing their thoughts.

I was... I was finally all alone. All alone with the maple syrup... the stupid maple syrup....

I hated it. I hated that stupid syrup, that stupid thing in my pocket and I was beginning to realize again why I had left it all behind in the first place.

I wanted to smash it... I didn't care if I needed it. I didn't care if Celestia needed it. I didn't care if the whole world needed it! I wanted to smash it!

I ripped that horrible glass bottle out of my pocket. But as soon as I cranked my neck back and prepared to deliver the fatal blow, somepony interrupted me.

It was Trixie. She was just standing there, looking at me, but somehow she had still stopped me from breaking that bottle. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was her eyes, maybe they had some kind of mysterious telekinetic power that I didn't know about. Or maybe it was some kind of mind-controlling drug in her brilliant starry purple hat, the very same one she had put on my head earlier this evening.

Or maybe it was something else entirely...

Trixie smirked and slowly shook her head. "Don't be stupid, Hooves."

Maybe I was finally beginning to understand what it meant to have a real friend in this world.

I gently set the bottle on the ground and smiled back at my friend.

"Derpy." I said. "My name is Derpy Hooves."

"Well don't expect to get the other half of Trixie's name, Derpy." my friend said with a smile. "Trixie hates it. It's like something from the back of a cereal box."

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Author's Notes:

Hello everyone! Sorry this chapter is so late. I have been busy with a number of other projects. In addition to my usual activities, I'm learning how to sew...

...for the exclusive purpose of making pony plushies. It's really hard work designing patterns and getting everything to fit properly. I never imagined I would have to do so much math...

Anyway, my thanks goes out to both my editor, Specter Von Baren, and my prereader, themadkossak. Your time and patience are much appreciated and you both really help keep this story rolling on the right track.

If you have any questions or comments about the story, feel free to email me at admin@theamberfox.ca. I also keep a close eye on the comments below, so you can reach me there too.

________________________________________________________________________

Disclaimer:

Chapter 7

The Mailmare
By theamberfox

Chapter 7

“So…” Trixie looked at me questioningly. “Are you going to tell Trixie what happened back there or does she have to force it out of you?”

I was calm now. Calm and slightly ashamed. I looked back at my friend. She was sitting beside me as she had been for some time now. We had both been quiet, but I think it had been for different reasons.

I started to say something, but my voice was dry and the words stuck in my throat like one of those toys they hide in the bottom of the cereal box. I know I should have answered her question. At this point, Trixie deserved a real answer from me. But whether it was shame, or maybe fear, or maybe something else entirely, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her the truth.

“Okay, fine.” Trixie shrugged nonchalantly, a tiny smirk on her face. “We can do this the hard way.”

I shifted uncomfortably and looked down at that wretched bottle of amber liquid on the ground. The floor was too hard; the walls were too ugly; the room was too cold. It all just made me want to get up and run away. I didn’t want to be here right now, not if it actually meant explaining myself. I didn’t want to do that. Besides, why would I need to explain myself? It wouldn’t do any good anyway. It’s not like my understanding of our situation could be different or, Celestia forbid, completely wrong.

Still shifting my position, trying desperately to find some comfort in what felt like a bed of hot needles, I felt a smile make its way onto my face. Me!? Wrong!? Why even the thought is just plain silly! Hahaha! I’m laughing at how silly and unreasonable it is!

Trixie ignored my discomfort. “If you’re not going to tell Trixie what happened, then answer her this…” Trixie paused for a moment before stating her question. “What are you really doing here?”

My head jerked back in her direction so quickly it felt like it could’ve snapped off. How could she even ask that!?

“What are you talking about!?” I asked. “You know why! I have to thwart the evil Twilight Sparkle’s plan to take over the world!”

To further express my point, I pretended to throttle something between my two purple fore hooves. Though, even to this point, I’m not quite sure why I did that…

“That’s why I’m here!” I said, dramatically releasing my stranglehold on the imaginary thing’s neck. “And, if I’m not mistaken, that’s why you’re here too!”

Trixie shook her head in both disappointment and disagreement with me. “That’s not really why you’re here. Do you even know how ridiculous you sound right now? Come on, Derpy, tell the truth.”

“That is the truth!” I was astonished. “But if you can’t handle it, then that’s your problem, not mine!”

Trixie pushed her long, silver mane out of the way and rubbed the back of her neck with her hoof. “You’re a tough nut to crack, Hooves.” But despite her apparent frustration, that tiny smirk once again grew across her lips. “That’s alright, Trixie’s never one to give up easily. She appreciates a challenge!”

Trixie closed her eyes and tapped her hoof against the floor. I imagined she was trying to come up with some brilliant strategy to make me talk. But it wouldn’t work!

Trixie’s eyes opened and she said, “how about she tells you a story instead?”

My friend’s logic confused me greatly. Perhaps, like myself, she was also experiencing some minor indigestion from that ‘meat’ thing we had for dinner. The meat had been good, yes, but like a three bean burrito in a library, you always regret eating the whole thing right there and then.

“A story?” I asked hesitantly.

“Yes,” Trixie nodded curtly, “a story about Trixie’s own reason for being here.”

“But I thought you were here because you wanted to help me stop Twilight Sparkle.”

“Trixie is here because she has a score to settle,” my friend quickly corrected with a glint of evil shining in her eyes. “That may or may not include humiliating Twilight Sparkle.”

“You mean…” This time I was the one who smirked. “You have a grudge, Trixie?”

“Trixie does not hold grudges!” Trixie barked back, deeply offended by the very notion. “Grudges are for foals! Trixie is no foal…” That glint of evil shone in her eyes again. “Trixie holds vendettas. Vendettas are entirely different things, definitely nothing like grudges! Vendettas are much more sinister and devoted!”

I nodded my head in acknowledgment. But despite her argument, I knew they were the same thing. Grudges and vendettas were really just synonyms of the same true meaning. Obviously, I knew that because of my job as a mailmare.

You see, on the day I was hired, there had been several other ponies, nearly two dozen, waiting for an interview with the postmaster general. We were all sitting outside his office, fiddling with our hair, reading magazines and otherwise trying to distract ourselves from the stress of the situation when, suddenly, the door quietly creaked open and a depressed-looking pony stumbled out. Following close behind, the postmaster general was shaking his head in what appeared to be clear dissatisfaction with the first applicant.

“Before we waste anymore of anypony’s time,” the postmaster had said with a polite grin, his great white beard bobbing up and down humorously as he spoke, “does anypony else have a vendetta they’d like to share with me?”

The applicants looked around the room, sharing looks of confusion. But after a moment, two ponies both reluctantly raised their hooves in the air.

The postmaster shook his head once more and waved them out the door with his hoof. “Go on then. I can’t be hiring ponies with vendettas now. Nopony feels safe getting their mail delivered by a pony with a vendetta.”

They were noticeably disappointed, but the two complied with his request and followed the first pony out the door.

But even after they had left, the postmaster wasn’t done, not yet.

“What about grudges?” he asked. His head was still bobbing up and down. It was beginning to make me feel sick, all that up and down motion like that. “Does anypony have any grudges?”

Three more ponies grumbled, got up and pulled themselves out the door, all while the postmaster just waved his farewells and smiled that polite, tight lipped smile of his.

“Scores to settle?” the postmaster asked, rolling his eyes as he watched more ponies stand up. They weren’t the only victims left in his strange game, however, and he would have to shake his head and roll his eyes several more times over the next few minutes. “Axes to grind? Bones to pick? What about blood-pacts of ill-will? Those are always interesting… Does anypony have any of those? Yes? Okay, out you go then…”

By the time the room had settled down only about three ponies of the roughly two dozen initial candidates were still sitting in the room.

The postmaster stroked his beard slowly and stared stupidly at the vacant doorway.

“Ah!” The postmaster said in a startling fashion. “What about just a strong resentment towards a single pony or a group of ponies or even just everypony? Now, before you answer, let me clarify. You’re allowed to dislike somepony, I’m just concerned with the kind of resentment that would cause you to smash packages or rip letters open or construct those whatchamacallit… doomsday devices.”

And all at once, the rest of the ponies sighed heavily, got up and left out the door.

"It was the doomsday devices, wasn’t it?" The postmaster grinned, directing his question towards a pale yellow pegasus with a long, graceful pink mane as she walked meekly by. “That was it, wasn’t it? That’s what got you?”

“Ummmm… Yes,” The pony nodded shyly. I think, she did have lots of pets and a cottage by the forest.

“See? The postmaster always knows.” He lectured the mare with a nod of his head. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found a pony building a doomsday device in the mailroom. And it’s always the innocent looking ones too, the one’s with lots of pets and cottages by the forest.”

The pegasus blushed.

“Well I’m sorry, but you can’t build them here. Okay?”

“Okay…” The pegasus lowered her head, looking very sad as she made her way out the door with the others.

Like a farmer after a hard day of work in the fields, the postmaster sighed deeply. He looked once around the nearly empty room before coming to a direct and sudden focus on me, the grey pegasus sitting quietly in her chair, biting her lip and fidgeting like a two year old in the dentist’s office.

“You don’t have any of those things?” the postmaster half-asked, half-clarified.

“No.” I answered as rapidly as I could, still fidgeting in my seat.

He seemed shocked to hear my answer… but also very pleased.

“Well alright then.” he responded with a big, bright smile. “Usually I have to go through a lot more than that; always forget to ask the group before the interview though. It’s a shame too, the first one is always so excited and I feel bad shooting them down like that, but you know how it is…

“Well anyway, welcome aboard. You’re an official employee of the Royal Equestrian Postal Service now.”

“Ok.” I said quickly. I continued to fidget and bite my lip.

The postmaster paused for a second and raised a questioning eyebrow. “What’s wrong with you girl?” he asked. “You got the job. You already nervous about your first day or something? Because you shouldn’t be nervous, there’s nothing to-”

I couldn’t hold it any longer, “I’m sorry sir but I have to go potty like really really REALLY bad.”

It was then that the postmaster realized I had no clue whatsoever that this was a waiting room for job interviews. In fact, I hadn’t even come in here for an interview. I just thought it was the line for the restroom. I admit though, I had begun to find it awfully peculiar there were such specific qualification requirements for the washroom.

“Well then don’t just sit there, girl. Go already!” the postmaster barked, the smile gone completely off his face and the first hint of anger showing itself in his voice. Little did I know, his anger would only increase as I spent more time with him.

I jumped from my seat and rushed past him. But his constantly bobbing beard had made me so sick and dizzy and confused!

The postmaster shrieked. “No! Not in there, girl! That’s my office! THAT’S MY OFFICE!”

And that was the day I simultaneously got my job as a mailmare and learned that ponies don’t like it when you leave a disaster in their offices... Oh! And I also learned what a vendetta was. But it was hard to believe that such a mature pony, such as Trixie, would hold a grudge. I began to wonder what Twilight could have ever done to her. Perhaps, I thought, Twilight had stolen Trixie’s face. But then again, that wouldn’t explain why Trixie still had a face on her face…

“Ahem!” Trixie announced loudly, waking me from my daydreaming. “Anyway, it is a story about the horrible thing that Twilight Sparkle did and why she must be punished.”

Trixie looked at me with a grim expression and I could have sworn the room had grown darker. "It wasn’t that very long ago… maybe a few months, maybe a year… It doesn’t really matter. Exactly when it happened is not important. But exactly where it happened… well that’s a different matter.”

She leaned back and rested her head against the side of the wall, gazing at the ceiling and displaying some indescribably deep emotion in her eyes. “Trixie was travelling at the time. She had begun the story of her life in a small, peaceful town, but over time, she realized she wasn’t content with impressing the gullible, credulous, slack-jawed yokels anymore; she wanted to globalize her act, make it a thing of wonder across the entire world, as it very well should have been since the beginning! But there was, however, one very crucial thing that stopped Trixie from advancing her career as the most awesome pony in existence.”

I took a wild guess, “your speech impediment!”

Trixie frowned. “What? No! Trixie doesn’t even have a speech impediment!” She swallowed hard. “No! the problem Trixie faced was much more deep-seated than that. The problem she faced was having too much condensed awesome on one place.” She shrugged nonchalantly and grinned. “Trixie was, and still is, a badass! But nothing comes without a price, and the price of being a badass was paid by making random visits to shady inns.”

That made an awful lot of sense, I thought with a few brief nods of my head. Badasses are always getting in fights, kicking over tables, breaking bottles and otherwise showing everyone who’s the boss. And what better place to do all those things then in a shady inn?

However, there was one problem I had with Trixie’s story. “But you don’t seem like a badass…”

Trixie scoffed. “Well that’s because Trixie is the best badass…” She hesitated a moment, unsure of what she had just said. “The worst… badass..?” She looked to me for help, but I had nothing. “The most badass!” she concluded. “Trixie’s so badass you don’t even know she’s badass.”

I nodded feverishly. “Yeah!”

“Anyway, Trixie was such a badass she decided to stay at this questionable inn on the side of a road going absolutely nowhere.” Trixie eyes darted from side-to-side deviously. “She definitely wasn’t staying there because her show bombed and she was broke! That didn’t happen! Absolutely no way!”

Once again, I nodded feverishly. “No way. Didn’t happen!” I concurred.

“She was staying there because rumours were spreading of an upcoming rival badass, rising through the ranks and becoming a threat to Trixie’s awesomeness! And this rising star was rumoured to be at that very inn…

“So after Trixie beat up the thirty ninja assassins and half a dozen super dragons waiting to ambush her outside, she made her way into building and walked straight up to the counter and demanded a room and free refreshments from the bar. And she did this all, because she’s such a badass!”

I knew this story was a one-hundred percent correct slice of Trixie’s lifestyle. Why? Well, I’m not entirely sure why, but I didn’t feel like I was in a position to question her, especially not if she had beaten up thirty ninja assassins and half a dozen super dragons.

Looking very proud of herself, Trixie continued telling her story. “So after that, Trixie just strode into this bar, sat down and ordered herself a glass of milk.”

That didn’t seem like a very badass drink to me. “But why would you order milk?”

Trixie smiled delightfully. “Ahhh, you see that was all part of Trixie’s plan! Trixie ordered a glass of milk because she knew by ordering the least badass drink in the bar, she would actually be even more of a badass for not caring about how badass her drink was!

I nodded feverishly. Now that she's explained it to me, it makes perfect sense! I just didn’t know why it made sense.

“But while Trixie was sitting there at the counter waiting for her badass drink, this totally nerdy tourist walked in the room. She seemed to be looking for directions or something. Probably because she was a dorky tourist. Either way, Trixie paid her no mind, she was too much of a badass to associate herself with a dorky tourist. And besides, her drink was going to arrive soon.”

“Oh!” I waved my hoof in the air, trying to get her attention to ask her a question. “But wouldn’t associating yourself with the least badass pony in the bar only make you more badass for not caring about how badass your associates are?”

Trixie sighed heavily, rolled her eyes and asked the following question is a very condescending fashion, “Derpy, who’s the badass here?”

I quickly realized the error of my ways. I shouldn’t have doubted the most badass pony on the planet.

Trixie shook her head. “Not you…”

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled.

“Do not concern yourself with such trivial apologies.” Trixie lectured like the true badass she was. “Trixie’s sure you couldn’t have possibly known better, being so uneducated in the ways of badassery, so it’s not your fault.”

Trixie nodded at me once before returning to her story. “Anyway, back to the matter of real importance, the tourist was much too touristy for even the Great and Powerful Trixie to ignore and she just had to ask these stupid questions! She said to Trixie:” And in such a hastened and breathless manner that it could have rivaled even the terrible pink one herself, Trixie rushed through what seemed like a day’s worth of speech in a few short seconds. “‘Hi. I’m sorry, but you do you happen to know where the ‘Forest of Nightmares’ is? I know you’re probably wondering: why would a pony like me want to go into the Forest of Nightmares? Well, it’s actually kind of a funny story; you see I somehow got myself involved in this wacky adventure and now I have to save the world with these six inconveniently located magic items and stop the evil villain whose main goal in life is irrational and completely idiotic, but it’s okay because along the way I’ll meet lots of different ponies and develop my currently narrow-minded character into a much more open, intelligent and courageous individual with a zany personality!’”

I was surprised Trixie could remember that whole thing word-for-word. And I was even more surprised that Trixie was able to repeat it without stopping to take even a single breath. Only the most badass pony in the world could do that!

“But Trixie didn’t give a hoot about this stupid tourist!” Trixie loudly exclaimed. “No hoots were given at all! She just wondered why her milk hadn’t arrived yet. But Trixie wanted more than anything to make this tourist go away, so she replied casually: ‘Seems like you’ve done a lot of research into this.’”

What a witty and insightful response! I thought.

Trixie grinned, seemingly pleased that she had managed to get this far into her story. “Well she answered with:” And once again, Trixie spoke in the same, rapid tone as before. “‘Oh, yes! I always do a ton of research. My sensei said it’s going to be a very important life experience. She’s been trying to get me to leave my room, but I kept telling her, there’s way more to learn from books than the narrow-minded hooligans you meet on the streets. Those silly street ponies are too busy frolicking around all the time to get any real learning done. You know, the only reason I’m going on this whole adventure is because the evil villain I’m trying to stop stole all my library books and ran away with them. What a jerk!’

“Being the genius that she is, Trixie soon realized what the true identity of this evil villain was. So she asked the foolish tourist, ‘Don’t you think your sensei just made this whole thing up to get you out of the house?’

“But apparently that wasn’t what the mare wanted to hear. She began to panic! It was like the end of the world, hearing that her sensei had set up this whole thing just to get her out of the house! She started hyperventilating and looking around the room, desperately trying to find some kind of answer for this trespass. Fortunately for her, and unfortunately for Trixie, she had found an answer in Trixie’s newly arrived glass of cold milk.”

Trixie clenched her teeth and furrowed her brow. The next part of her story was obviously not a pleasant one.

“Trixie had planned on using the glass of milk! Lured in by the cold beverage, the rival to Trixie’s throne would finally show itself and Trixie could defeat her rival in glorious combat! But this stupid tourist pony was so angry and confused it seemed as if she had no mind at all! She reached her hoof out and knocked over the glass of milk! All of the contents spilled onto Trixie’s lap! Trixie’s plan was ruined! Now she would look like a total dork! Just like this foolish tourist!

“And, not knowing quite what to say, Trixie just watched as the coward said not even a single word of apology and ran away with her tail between her legs like some kind of stupid, ugly rat thing or something! And when she was gone, Trixie unleashed her rage by destroying the entire inn! Ask anypony! That’s what she did!” Noticing that some mysterious liquid had formed on her eyelids, Trixie hastily wiped it away. “She didn’t cry over spilt milk! She didn’t fall into tears at the bar of some crappy dump in the middle of nowhere! She was a badass! A BADASS!!”

Her story over, an unsettling silence filled the room. Neither one of us said a single word. Neither one of us even made eye-contact. But somehow that was enough, and I came to the sudden realization that Trixie hadn’t been telling the whole truth. From what she told me in her story, Trixie didn’t seem like a badass at all.

Breaking the silence, I opened my mouth and asked the still watery-eyed pony a single question. “You destroyed the entire inn?”

“Yes?” Trixie quietly sniffed, answering my question with what seemed like another question.

I was certain now. Trixie was definitely lying. She wasn’t a badass… She was: ‘CAPTAIN RAINBOW: Hero of the Universe and Destroyer of Evil Things’! Her story about being a badass had been merely a cover-up, a clever ruse to protect her secret identity.

Don’t worry, Trixie! You’re secret is safe with me.

However, despite my promise to keep her secret safe, I was overcome with excitement. “That’s friggin’ awesome!”

Trixie sniffed again, this time looking at me and smiling. “I know, right?” She wiped the last of the mysterious liquid substance from her eyes. “This is just allergies, by the way.” She pointed to her eyes. “There must be some… allergy… things… floating around here.”

“I wish I could do that.” I admitted, ignoring her last comment. “I tried to do that with the bagel shop down the road a couple days ago, but they just got angry at me for breaking their window!”

“Well these ponies knew how badass Trixie was, so they didn’t make her pay for the windows.” Trixie’s voice still sounded a little choked. It must have been the allergy things floating around here.

“Awwww! That’s totally radical!” I exclaimed. “You should come help me blow up the bagel shop!”

Trixie smiled a little wider. “Yeah, Trixie could probably do that… It’s not like there’s anyone more badass for the job…”

Then I remembered something very important, even more important than punishing the evil bagel shop and their terrible doughy rings. “Oh… But we need to ruin Twilight Sparkle’s evil plan first, don’t we?”

But if Trixie really was ‘CAPTAIN RAINBOW: Hero of the Universe and Destroyer of Evil Things’ then it was my duty to aid her in whatever way I could, even if that meant giving up my maple syrup addiction… again…

Looking down at the bottle of amber liquid, I said, “Yeah, I guess we can do that.”

Trixie smiled gently.

“Oh! But you know what we should do?” I grinned.

Trixie looked up expectantly.

“We should totally make a dramatic entrance!” I shouted enthusiastically.

“Yeah!” Trixie said with such a passionate excitement it was like she forgot all about everything else in the world. The only thing that mattered now was the gloriously dramatic entrance we were going to make.

“I love dramatic entrances!” I said, shaking with enthusiasm.

“Trixie loves dramatic entrances too!”

It was a true battle, preparing for that entrance we were going to make. We studied linguistics and enunciation! We researched drama, horror, romance and fantasy! We made a cape out of a tablecloth and a hat out of newspaper! And after all that, after what seemed like a year, even a year and three whole days, (but was really only about twelve minutes) we had the perfect plan!

A cool draft rolled through the massive room, licking at my flowing white cape like some kind of weird licking thing. The wind probably liked the taste of raspberries or mustard. After all, my cape had both raspberry and mustard stains on it. But they complemented my cape! Of course they did! I was sure I didn’t look like a crazy homeless person!

“But, you may ask, now that we know cosmic radiation is such a prevalent issue in our modern lives, how do we protect ourselves against it?” An odd looking unicorn was standing on a large stage at the end of the room and speaking loudly in an irritating, nasally voice as I burst into the room. Several eyes looked in my direction, and one pony even commented that I looked like ‘that unusual time-share agent that was always throwing brochures down his chimney’ but most ponies remained fixed on the presentation the unicorn was giving.

“Well, the answer is quite simple, really,” the unicorn explained intelligently. “You see, we can utilize common household materials to create something I call a ‘cosmic deflector’.” The unicorn presenter lifted a large, silver dome-like hat up high into the air for everypony to see and then slowly placed it on top of his own head.

Meanwhile, I continued running towards Celestia’s table with the utmost haste. Celestia and her sister were sitting quietly, listening to the presentation, and like many others, they were blissfully unaware of my approach.

“It’s fits on just so.” The unicorn presenter smiled when his hat was securely attached to his head. He seemed very proud of his stupid, ugly metal hat. But how anypony could be proud of some stupid homemade attire like that simply baffled me. “This particular ‘cosmic deflector’ has been made from regular, everyday tinfoil, but I’m sure as more ponies realize the danger of cosmic radiation, more fashionable cosmic deflectors will be created and made available for purchase. The current design is merely a temporary solution for a-”

“HOOVES!” Trixie boomed desperately from the other side of the room. Her awesome newspaper hat, the one that kind of looked like a sailboat, shone radiantly atop her head. Her fore hoof was raised high into the air. She seemed to be reaching out towards me, guiding me like a sea-captain guides his crew.

I stopped beside the princess’ table. All eyes in the room were looking at us now. They wanted to know what was happening, but I couldn’t tell them, and neither could Trixie. It was too soon for that!

“HOOVES!” Trixie screamed again. She directed her trembling hoof at Princess Celestia this time. “CAST IT INTO THE SUN! BANISH IT INTO THE FIRES OF OBLIVION!”

I turned to look at Celestia again. She was surprised, but remarkably calm.

“Are these some of your new friends, Luna?” Celestia looked at her sister, who was much less composed. “That one kind of looks like Twilight, doesn’t she? I mean, only if Twilight had been in a terrible accident or something, but still…”

Princess Luna was mortified! Her jaw was hanging wide open. And though she may have been at a loss for words now, I knew she was going to ruin everything. She knew what we were trying to do and we were running out of time!

I looked back at Trixie.

“DESTROY IT!” Trixie yelled again, her voice completely filling the huge room.

Trixie’s powerful voice shook Luna back to life. She turned to her older sister. "Celestia, these are the two delinquents we were speaking of earlier!"

I glanced down at the bottle in my teeth and the amber liquid splashing around inside and, for a moment, I wanted to run away again. Despite everything that’d happened today and all the goals I still had yet to accomplish, I felt I should just run away, forget Trixie and return to feeding my addiction in the safety of my own home.

"Are you sure?" Celestia asked her sister. “Because I want you to be absolutely sure. I don’t want to throw the wrong ponies out of the party. That would be a careless and awful gesture on my part, dear sister, and it would not be prudent to display myself in such a fashion in front of such a large crowd of my loyal subjects.”

But then I remembered the bagels. Only a pony as evil and terrible as Twilight could create such a horrible, disgusting waste of dough. I had to stop her! It was my duty!

I twisted off the cap and hurled the bottle of amber liquid at the white princess in her cream coloured ball gown! The bottle spun wildly in the air! And even though the contents of the bottle had miraculously stayed within the tight confines of their glass prison, I feared it would never actually reach Celestia. I feared it would break and the contents would disperse like droplets of rain in a hurricane!

"Yes!” Luna hastily cried. “Just look at them! They’re a couple of fools! PUNISH THEM!!!"

But my fears did not become reality! It stayed true to its course and the bottle gradually slowed its frantic spin.

“Alright then, Luna.” Celestia nodded slowly. “But I just want you to know-”

But before she finished her sentence, Celestia caught the bottle! She hadn’t meant to, no, certainly she hadn’t meant to catch it! She hadn’t even known it was there! But nevertheless, the neck of the bottle was now firmly wedged in Celestia’s gaping mouth.

Both princesses just sat there, paralyzed. The entire room seemed to freeze!

Celestia blinked.

I blinked.

In the silence, I waited and wondered. Panic rushed through my veins and I began to sweat. But a moment later I saw a small, seemingly insignificant bubble rush from the neck of the bottle, up through the amber liquid, and pop at the surface… And then, another bubble… and another.

Celestia is drinking it! I cheered wildly and Trixie ran towards me with a big smile on her face and that awesome newspaper captain’s hat on her head. Haha! We shall not be punished today, Princess Luna!

“VICTORYYYYYYYY!!!!” Trixie and I both screamed happily as we ran toward each other.

And when we reached each other in the big room full of tables and chairs and confused ponies, the most wonderful and spontaneous thing happened right there in the middle of it all.

Like clockwork, we both stopped at precisely the same time. Our eyes met and I felt a strange, powerful connection with Trixie. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was like a void had been filled inside my heart, and under that gorgeous smile and beneath that shiny silver hair of hers, I knew I had found the one pony in my life I had been eternally searching for.

We moved in close. My heart beat faster and faster. It felt like it was going to burst!

She closed her eyes.

I closed mine.

And then… we touched.

It was everything I had ever dreamed of, the best feeling in the world! I finally got to celebrate the all-important hoof slap!

Oh, you just can’t imagine what it was like! Given a million years, I could never describe the amount of shear gloriousness that was our hoof-slap. When our hooves made contact that day, oh it felt like everypony in the whole world was cheering for us! And from that moment on, gone were my days as a hoof slap virgin and newly born were my days as a true veteran of the hoof slap.

But in all the glory of losing my hoof-slap virginity, I had completely forgotten that Princess Luna still despised me. And she really, really despised me now. So although I had solved Celestia’s booze crisis, the journey to thwarting Twilight’s Sparkle’s plan to take over the world was not over yet. It was just slightly more coherent now.

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Author's Notes:

Wow! It's been a long time since I wrote one of these 'author's notes' things. However, if any chapter is deserving of one of these, it's definitely this one.

Firstly, I will start off by saying thank you for not abandoning this little story of mine. It really means a lot to me and I'm going to try hard to finish this in one more week! That's right! I've got all of chapter 8 typed up and most of chapter 9 typed up to, I just to fix some little things and they'll be released very soon.

The second thing on the agenda is to explain why it's taken me so long. To be brief, I procrastinated too long, realized that my lengthy procrastination had made it incredibly hard to continue this story with as much zeal as before, slowly lost touch with my editors and prereaders, procrastinated some more, thought about abandoning the story, and then eventually convinced myself that I would do this world, and my faithful readers, a terrible wrong by stopping now. It's not fair to start a story like this and leave everyone hanging for all eternity.

Lastly, I want to apologize to you, my readers, for making you wait so long, and to you, my prereaders, for failing to tell you what was going on, and to the one person who is probably most important in this endeavor of mine, my editor, Specter Von Baron. Good sir, much like my poor prereaders, I told you nothing about what was going on. This story could not have begun without you and I certainly hope it will not end without you. Regretfully, I have made the decision to post this chapter without your help, not because I did not have the time and not because I did not want your help, (in all honesty, the whole world knows I want and need your help...), but because I did not wish to trouble you with this silly story that you have probably long forgotten. But if this ever happens to catch your eye, or your ear, and you are still willing to help a writer in need, such as myself, please find some way to contact me. Regardless of the choice that you make, you have helped me realize the joy of writing and I will forever be in your debt.

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Disclaimer:

Chapter 9

The Mailmare
By theamberfox

Chapter 9

“Nobles of Equestria!” I passionately announced. I needed to calm these ponies, settle the mayhem and regain the full attention of the room. Fortunately, it took no more than those three words. And when all were quiet and listening, I continued on. “Princess Luna, Princess Celestia… other ponies who are not necessarily nobles or prominent magic-users but still managed to get into this party somehow...”

Trixie cheered at this statement. I winked back at her.

“I am not the pony you thought I was.” I professed. “I was merely posing as the one you’ve come to know as Twilight Sparkle to accomplish my righteous goals!” The word ‘righteous’ made me squint my eyes. For some reason, I thought that action gave the word more of an effect. “These goals are not simple nor are they easy, but they are noble and just and worthwhile. These goals, as I will soon explain, are the one and only thing stopping a terrible super-villain from taking Equestria and crushing it and all our hopes and freedoms into dust.”

Luna, still staring at me, looked quite displeased. One might even say she was completely disgusted with me right now. Nothing ever pleases this princess, does it?

“This one I speak of,” I announced, “this terrible tyrant and monster determined to ruin our lives and stomp on our freedoms is none other than Twilight Sparkle herself!” I slammed a hoof against the stage so hard it cracked the floor. And for a split second, I began to wonder if this stage was constructed according to the proper standards, because I don’t think I should have been able to do that! That’s just plain dangerous! “The very pony I was impersonating!”

I do not know whether they had secretly known all along, or simply didn’t care about the convoluted backroom politics I was currently so deeply involved in, but every member of the audience deemed it quite appropriate to simply remain seated, say nothing, and watch me with a blank expression.

Somepony coughed loudly. A chair screeched against the floor as somepony got up and headed to the washroom. I wasn’t having the effect I expected… Maybe I need to be louder…

So I started again, more loudly this time, “This one I speak of-”

Luna, however, had finally broken free of what I imagine was the most stunned, awe-inspired silence I, or any other pony in that room, had ever witnessed. “You are an absolute… complete… idiot!” she screamed. “You came here and wrecked this entire party for that!? On what grounds could you possibly believe that Twilight Sparkle is a super-villain? Better yet, on what grounds could you possibly believe that coming here, pretending to be somepony you’re not, acting like a moron the entire time, and then revealing your ridiculous idiocy in a similarly ridiculous fashion would possibly convince them to believe you?”

I shrugged.

“About anything!?” Luna added sharply. “It’s like you have no brains in your head at all! Did you not, even for a second, think that it would have been better to keep pretending you were Twilight Sparkle!? At least then you would have convinced everypony that Twilight Sparkle was such a complete nutcase that they would end up ignoring and avoiding the real Twilight!”

I shook my head in disapproval. “Ah… See, one would think that, but…”

But Luna hadn’t finished her ranting. “As of today, I have honestly begun to think that stupidity is contagious! Because, after having spent just one short evening with you, I have started to feel more and more stupid! At this rate, I fear that if I don’t do something right away, I’ll become almost as stupid as you are! Of course, two ponies having absolutely no intelligence would seem impossible, but you have revolutionized my understanding of stupidity. Only now that I’ve met you, do I truly understand what stupid is!”

While Luna’s ranting was fairly nonsensical, rather unpersuasive and quite rude, I had to admit, I don’t think I had entirely thought this one through. More or less, I was ‘caught up in the moment’, as some would say, and I had just thought it would have been a good idea to reveal my identity at that time. But, come to think of it, my original plan was a lot like the one Luna had described, impersonating Twilight to destroy her reputation and disown her as a student. Unfortunately, however, I fully realized that was impossible to do now. Unless…

I decided the next best course of action was to pretend it all didn’t happen. Surely nopony would notice if I was quick.

I hurried over, picked up Trixie’s hat, put it back on my head and declared to the audience, “NEVERMIND! This didn’t happen! I am still Twilight Sparkle! What you just witnessed was merely AN OPTICAL ILLUSION!” I then followed up my announcement with some super spooky ghost noises and limb flailing, to further prove my point of course. “ooooOOOooOOOoooooo!”

Luna’s face closely resembled a ‘vortex of hate’. And if you don’t know what a ‘vortex of hate’ is, then you should probably get out more often because I see it all the time… Regardless, if she had been angry before than she was furious now. But since Luna had actually been furious before, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of her now.

“WHAT!? YOU!? WHAT!?” Her legs were trembling, her eyes were red, and her words were incoherent and full of saliva. I don’t think I ever actually feared for my life before, but if there was any point in my life when I thought I was going to die, ignoring any and all situations involving the pink one, it was then. The amount of saliva flying from Luna’s mouth was enough to drown a small mountain village and I could already feel myself choking.

And on that note, I suppose it was fear that convinced me to say what I said next, as any rational, intelligent pony would have noticed the error with my next few words. “HAHA! PRINCESS LUNA! You are so funny! YOU ARE JUST LIKE YOUR SISTER!”

Of course, that was not what Luna had wanted to hear at all! And if I wasn’t sure what to make of her before, I was absolutely certain what to make of her now. She was definitely going to kill me. And it wasn’t just from the sheer volume of saliva she was spraying from her mouth, because that had stopped now. She was done with senseless words. Now she seemed more interested in feasting on my intestines or doing something equally as gruesome and horrible to me.

I feared the worst… She would probably try to force-feed me bagels…

Fortunately, however, Celestia and Trixie seemed to have realized this even before I did and they both had made their way onto the stage.

“LUNA!” Celestia yelled, trying as hard as she possibly could to get Luna’s attention. “LUNA! STOP!”

“NO!” Luna declared with such malice and volume that it made the paint on the walls begin to peel.

And to my great surprise, behind the grey paint on the walls was a delightful orange colour.

There it is! I could see the orange now! LUNA WAS RIGHT AFTER ALL!

“WHY SHOULD I!?” Luna screamed. “ARE YOU GOING TO CALL ME FAT AGAIN IF I DON’T!? OR LAUGH AT ME!? OR SEND ME TO THE MOON!?”

Celestia didn’t seem to know how to respond to that, but she held her sister back all the same.

“CELESTIA!” Luna screamed again. “Do remember now!? Do remember why you sent me to the moon!?”

Celestia was trying so hard to hold her sister back that she didn’t have time to think of a reply. But, as I would soon learn, Luna was never expecting a reply.

“It wasn’t because I wanted some ridiculous eternal night, like you’ve been telling everypony!” Luna’s horn began to flare. “It was because of some idiot like her!” She pointed at me and glared at her sister. “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE, CELESTIA! I don’t care if you have to send me to the moon for another ten-thousand years, I’M GOING TO KILL HER!!!”

Luna reached her magic around my throat and began to tighten her grasp. I was going to die. I was going to die and I never got to tell the postmaster what I great job I did delivering that letter. He would have been so proud. He probably would have given me a promotion… and a parade… and a statue in my honour…

“IT’S NOT HER FAULT!” Celestia screamed back, her voice, even at its loudest, only barely comprehensible amidst the chaos. “IT’S MY FAULT! I’M SORRY! I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU!”

Luna shook her head and scoffed. “HA! Told me what!? Told me about your drinking problem!? Give me a break! It’s not like I don’t know already!” Surprisingly, she was distracted enough by this that she had loosened her grasp on my throat just enough so I could breathe again. “Smothering what’s left your honour- our honour in booze doesn’t matter to you, but strangling a senseless moron does? You don’t deserve to rule this country anymore, Celestia!”

“I uhhh… I uhhh…” Celestia hesitated and a smile worked its way across her lips. “I’m not drunk, Luna. I haven’t ever been drunk.”

I admit Celestia seemed much more serious than she did earlier, but I still failed to grasp this ‘drunk’ thing everypony was talking about. It seemed to me that it meant a pony has had too much to drink, but Celestia did not seem at all bloated or having any strong desire to go to the washroom, so how could she have had too much to drink? It just didn’t make any sense.

Regardless, her words seemed to have had the opposite effect of what Princess Celestia wanted, because Luna just became even angrier. “WHAT!!??? But you’ve been drinking all night!”

“Yeah… About that…” Celestia rolled her eyes. “You should know better. Alicorns can’t get drunk! Remember when we were young and I got cancer, bronchitis, small pox, polio, cholera, ebola, malaria, and athletes hoof all at the same time!? Everypony thought I was going to die… especially from the athletes hoof! They were all like: ‘Oh my gosh! Her hooves are so stinky and gross!!!’” Celestia smiled and chuckled to herself. “But I recovered from all of that the very next day. So when it comes to alcohol, we recover from that far too quickly to be affected. If you ever drank any of the stuff you would have known I was just pretending…”

“PRETENDING!?” Luna cried out.

“Yeah! Watch.” Celestia chugged what was left of the bottle of amber liquid, which was about three quarters of its original contents, and threw the bottle away. “OMG!!?? I’m drunkers, Little Luna!” Celestia laughed. “See? I’m fine. Not drunk.”

“BUT WHY WOULD YOU PRETEND TO BE DRUNK!?”

“It’s fun.” Celestia shrugged. “To be honest, I always pretend to be drunk at these conventions. Ask anypony. I always thought the real convention was really dull and so I started pretending to be drunk like two-hundred years ago. After other ponies started figuring it out, it became like this big inside joke.” Celestia directed her attention to the crowd. “Right!? I’m always doing something wacky at these things?” Nearly every pony in the crowd acknowledged that statement in one way or another. “See? Honestly, it’s not even about the convention anymore.” Celestia giggled and covered her mouth. “Oh! You should have seen what I did last time, Luna! There was this big cake, right? And I hid inside the big cake! But here’s the best part- I was naked! And then-”

“CELESTIA! Look at me!” Luna obviously didn’t want to hear about Celestia’s naked cake story at all. “This is NOT making me less angry! It’s only making me hate you right now! You knew how much these things mean to me!”

“Oh, Luna…” Celestia shook her head. “You haven’t been to one of these things for a thousand years. Things change! Now ponies are more interested in things like:” Celestia pointed to the back of the room where a familiar looking individual was standing. “SURPRISE GUEST: QUEEN CHRYSALIS!!! Give her a hoof everypony!”

Chrysalis smiled and bowed a few times for the audience. Following that, she vanished in a flash of light and reappeared looking like the splitting image of the noble Princess Celestia herself. And all of this happened while the ponies of the audience cheered and stamped their hooves on the ground in joyous glee and admiration.

The real Celestia smiled and laughed cheerfully as Chrysalis changed back to her usual appearance. “She’s always really good at these events! You know, she’s been coming for the last thirty years!”

Both Trixie and Luna were quite confused by this new fact. But since Luna was still infuriated and busy trying to strangle me, it was Trixie who spoke up first. “But didn’t she invade Equestria a little while ago?”

“Yeah… She was a bit miffed that I forgot to invite her to the royal wedding. She told me she was going to invade Equestria,” Celestia rolled her eyes, “but she always tells me she’s going to invade Equestria when something like this happens. So when she threatened to invade for the tenth time that year, I was just like: ‘Okay! Yeah! I totally believe you!’ and she was like: ‘I’m not kidding, I’m gonna do it this time!’ and I just laughed it off… But, wouldn’t you know, she did invade Equestria! Colour me surprised!

“But it’s okay… I explained everything to her and she was okay with it. In the end…” Lost in her thoughts, Celestia scratched her chin and directed her attention towards Chrysalis. “What’d we do?” she asked the queen.

Chrysalis laughed and grinned, showing a set of very sharp looking fangs. “I think you banished me with the power of love.”

Celestia laughed so hard it brought tears to her eyes. “Yeah! Yeah, that was pretty funny! At least all the nobles were laughing about it. Everypony else thought it was for real and they were like, super confused. But you know that just made it even more hilarious.”

“I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t think it would have been funny!” Chrysalis remarked, once more showing her fangs in that strangely delightful smile of hers.

I thought it was funny too, but Luna didn’t seem to care. “You’re not listening to me, Celestia! Can’t you see how angry I am!? You never tell me ANYTHING! I’m-” She stopped and stared at me for moment. Then she stared at Celestia. And finally, her lip quivering slightly, she stared back at me.

And in a completely unexpected turn of events, she let go of my neck and I fell to the floor, gasping for air.

Panicked, Luna looked to her sister again, “Does that mean that this pony, the one pretending to be Twilight, was really just part of some elaborate joke of yours!?”

Celestia rubbed the back of her neck. “Well… about that…” Celestia smiled. “I actually have no idea who this pony is. I’ve never seen her or her friend before. I was just kind of rolling with it.”

Trixie and I smiled these big innocent-looking grins. And for the second time that night, I feared for my life.

“WHAT!? YOU!? WHAT!?” Once again, Luna’s legs were trembling, her eyes were red, and her words were incoherent. It was apparent to me that Celestia’s explanation had not properly addressed all of Luna’s concerns. “You’re serious!? …YOU’RE SERIOUS!” Luna turned to face me before asking, “Then you had no idea about any of this!? You… HOW DID YOU EVEN GET HERE!?”

“Me?” I asked, slowly getting up off the floor and dusting myself off. “Well…”

And so I told Princess Luna everything, right from the very beginning when I received the letter in the mail. It was interesting to watch her, because, despite what I thought was a clear, concise, and completely rational explanation of my adventure, she seemed to find everything about it utterly unsatisfying. Indeed, another pony might even consider her current state to be one of anger. I suppose a pony could possibly draw themselves to that conclusion from the way she stared at me with those unblinking eyes and loud belaboured breaths, but I was fairly certain that wasn’t the case.

No, she wasn’t angry now. My story made too much sense for her to be angry. I was absolutely sure of Twilight’s evil tyranny and the terrible deeds she had done and nothing was going to convince me otherwise. The only possible explanation was that she was having a difficult time understanding the gravity of the situation. No doubt the revelation that one of her sister’s pupils was plotting her demise was unsettling. And even more importantly, she had no doubt come to the realization that I, like Trixie, was a superhero now, and she was having a difficult time coming up with a proper reward for my daring exploits.

I modestly suggested a small castle filled with jewels, but even that did not entice a response from her…

“Hold on a minute.” Celestia said with a raise of her hoof, stopping me before I suggested two small castles filled with jewels. “Where did you say that letter was addressed to?”

Princess Luna, oblivious to the world, was shaking violently now. I guess she must have finally understood her situation and was now deeply afraid for her life. She must have realized that no reward she could give me would ever be enough payment for my heroic deeds. That did not, however, explain why her eyes were changing color; they were kind of green and catlike now. And, if I wasn’t mistaken, she was growing taller too. How strange. Perhaps she’s gained some kind of supernatural powers with all this new knowledge I have given her.

Ignoring Luna’s metamorphosis, I responded to Celestia with a smile. “32 Meadowview Lane” Though I wasn’t quite sure how that was at all relevant to our situation. We had much more pressing matters to deal with right now; like how I was going to be rewarded.

Maybe we could host a semi-annual parade in my honour. I nodded in approval of my own suggestion. Yes, that would quite excellent.

“Ahhh...” Celestia nodded. “I must have addressed the envelope wrong.”

Now I knew I wasn’t mistaken. Luna was as tall as her sister! And her pretty ball gown, the deep violet dress with the obsidian trim around its frilly decorative edges, was now clearly too small for her. And if you looked close enough, you would even see that it was splitting at the seams. It was also evident to me that her coat was a much darker shade of blue than it was before. Now it was almost black.

Celestia chuckled lightly. “You see, I wanted to send it to 32 Meadowview Road! Isn’t that funny? I had the address wrong.”

I stood there for a second, merely chewing my lip and wracking my brain. 32 Meadowview Road? Hmmm… Who lives at 32 Meadowview Road..?

And then it came to me.

“OH! You mean THAT Twilight Sparkle!?” I laughed and tapped the floor with my hoof. “She lives in the library, right? You know, I thought that place looked familiar when I broke in there; oh, Twilight’s a really nice pony! She’s the one that lent me ‘Overdramatic Baking Tales from the Deep’. You know, one time I-”

Luna didn’t seem to care much for my story. “AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I STILL DON’T CARE, CELESTIA! I’M GOING TO KILL HER! I’M GOING TO KILL HER!!!”

And so, still smiling at how funny my predicament had been, even with Luna now choking me as best as she could and Celestia and Trixie desperately trying to pry her off, I couldn’t help but think, I can’t believe I forgot about Twilight Sparkle! Oh, I’ll definitely have to send you an apology or something my friend, because-

“That’s enough, Miss Hooves.” The detective sighed in a most exemplary manner. “I think I can put all the rest of the pieces together on my own.”

I smiled and started to get out of my chair, but was caught halfway when the detective said, “That doesn’t mean you can go yet, Miss Hooves.”

Reluctantly, I fell back into my chair and waited for him to continue.

“We still have some other matters to deal with.” The detective started flipping through his very long list of notes, but frowned and gave up before he reached the end. “First, Miss Hooves, I have some questions I would like to ask you. For all intents and purposes, your answers will be off the record. I just…” The detective looked back at his notes for moment and then back at me again. “I just need some kind of explanation… Do you mind?”

I thought it was understandable enough. My story had been rather long and he had been so good at not interrupting me until now, so I was glad to answer his questions. “Yeah. Sure.”

“Okay.” He stared at me for almost a full minute, thinking long and hard about which of his many questions he’d like to ask first. Finally, he blurted, “Why did you always have to stop at regular intervals and announce things like: ‘The Mailmare! Chapter 1!’?”

I was about to answer, but he just kept on going. “I didn’t have so much of a problem with that as I did with the silence that always came before it. I mean, you’d just sit there for what seemed like forever and you wouldn’t say a word.” The detective seemed to get more and more aggravated as he spoke. “One time, you were quiet for so long I actually left the room to relieve myself, and when I came back you were still quiet. We were even going to call a doctor, but then you just starting speaking again like nothing happened! What is wrong with you!?”

When he was done, I admitted, “I like to build up suspense.”

The detective’s eyes went wide and his mouth seemed to move like he was going to say something, but the only thing that came out was: “Okay…”

The detective took another moment to recover before asking, “Well then, tell me this: why are you so afraid of that pink pony? It honestly doesn’t seem like she’s done anything wrong. I mean, she just tried to-”

“Don’t ask me about the pink one.” I said sternly, cutting him off before he finished his sentence. It was one of the only topics I wouldn’t discuss.

The detective continued with his questions like nothing had happened. “What part of Trixie’s story made you think she was superhero? From what you’ve told me, she sounds like a total wuss! And a liar! And even more to the point, what made you think she was this ‘Captain Rainbow’ you’ve been talking about? Who is ‘Captain Rainbow’?”

I thought the answer to that question was obvious. “Detective, ‘CAPTAIN RAINBOW: Hero of the Universe and Destroyer of Evil Things’ is Trixie. I thought I made that pretty clear.”

“You’re just using circular logic!” the detective argued, his mouth agape. “You can’t do that! That’s… That’s not fair!”

“Well if that’s not fair, then maybe you shouldn’t be the one setting all the rules.” I added perceptively. “You’re only making this more difficult for yourself.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. I-” This time, the detective cut himself off. He seemed to realize he’d never be happy with any of the explanations I gave him. “Alright, you know what? Whatever. There’s only one thing left on the agenda and then I don’t want to have to even look at you. Do you understand?”

“Is it muffins?” I asked. “Cause I sure am hungry.”

“What? No. The last thing we have to deal with is your punishment.” The detective sounded very cross.

“But don’t I get a fair trial!?” I panicked.

“Haha!” The detective smiled and laughed. “No! Celestia outlawed those years ago! Now you just get one those drinks with the little umbrella in it.”

“Can I choose the drink?”

“No.” He shook his head. “It’s a Shirley Temple.”

“AAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!” I moaned like a dying camel. “Those are gross!”

“Well, you get what you get,” the detective lectured, “and in that regard, your punishment would usually be in the form of getting ‘banished to the mine’-”

“NOT THE MINE!!!” I shrieked.

“I said you would usually get banished to the mine.” He corrected with a heavy sigh.

“NOT THE MINE!!!” I shrieked.

“You’re not going to the mine!” He barked. “No, Princess Luna said that wouldn’t be fair to any of the other bad ponies already in the mine.”

Whew! I thought, staring at the detective and his big list of notes. I really didn’t want to go to the mine. The mine was a terrible place! You didn’t ever want to go to the mine!

“Instead,” the detective continued to read through his notes, “our lovely and benevolent princess of the night has specifically requested another punishment for you.”

“NOT THE MINE!!!” I shrieked.

“I already told you, you’re not going to the mine!” He yelled back. He then shook his head in annoyance and returned his eyes to his papers. “No, Princess Luna said, and I quote: ‘Her life is already a living hell, why keep her from it?’”

I remained silent. I had no idea what Princess Luna would have meant by that, but frankly, I was just happy not to have to go to mine.

“So instead of-” The detective stopped when he realized what he was about to say and chose his next words very carefully. “Instead of the usual punishment, Princess Luna wants a restraining order.”

“Against who?” I asked.

“Against you.” The detective pointed at me with a very incredulous expression. “Who else would she file a restraining order against?”

“You?”

The detective’s strange facial expression continued on in silence for a few more moments. After a while, he resolved to ignore my comment completely. “You are to remain at a distance of five leagues from Princess Luna at all times.”

“AAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!” I moaned like a dozen dying camels. “But I already have six restraining orders! And what’s a ‘league’ anyway?”

“Apparently it’s like five kilometers or something…” the detective mumbled. “Wait… Six!? You have six restraining orders!? Why am I not that surprised..?” The detective scratched his head. “Anyway, if you had six before, now you have nine.”

“NINE!?” I gasped.

“Yes. Apparently the postmaster general, who I gather is your boss, as well as some mailroom pony also want restraining orders against you.” The detective cringed when he read the details. “One said you wrecked his ‘blueprints for a better tomorrow’ and the other said you-” The detective frowned at me rubbed his temples. “…Took a dump in his office?” He shook his head in dismay. “Oh! And he also wanted me to tell you that you’re fired.”

“AAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!” Now I moaned like two dozen dying camels.

The detective tried to cheer me up, “Well at least you’re not going to the mine, right?”

“NOT THE MINE!!!” I shrieked.

The next thing I knew was getting thrown out of the police station and onto the street. But, to my pleasant surprise, as I lay on the conveniently placed pile of smelly trash they had thrown me on, I noticed a familiar face peering down at me.

“Finally!” Trixie let out a frustrated sigh. “You were in there forever! Trixie thought they were going to send you to the mine or something.”

“No.” I answered. With Trixie’s help, I picked myself out of the trash pile and stood facing her with a frown on my face. “But they gave me another three restraining orders…”

“Hah!” Trixie smirked. “Consider yourself lucky! Trixie has to do,” she scrunched up her face to display what I could only imagine was extreme discontent with her situation, “community service…”

Considering how terrible this day had been, I had to smile at her attitude.

“You should really wash that dye off.” Trixie remarked, pointing at my still purple coat. “It makes you look like a dork.” She grinned. “Oh, and give Trixie back her hat.”

I was reluctant to give Trixie back her hat. Wearing that hat had been one of the better parts of this experience.

“I also got fired from my job…” I added as she placed the magnificent starry purple hat on her head.

“Pffft!” Trixie scoffed mockingly. “Who needs a job!? Jobs are for schmucks! Trixie doesn’t have a job!”

Once again, I found myself smiling at her. Maybe she was right! I didn’t need a job. She had that awesome hat and she didn’t have a job; how could she be wrong?

“You know what!?” You’re right, Trixie!” I declared, pumping my fore hoof into the air and looking at my comrade with a fierce determination glowing in my eyes. “I don’t need a job! I have a better idea!” I grinned. “I shall become a rebel without a cause! No gates shall hold this mare back! I’ll budge in line! I’ll order pizzas and never tip! I’ll make promises and break them within the hour!”

This time it was Trixie that frowned. “Well… Trixie doesn’t think there’s much money in being a rebel without a cause…”

“No…” I admitted with a sigh, lowering my hoof and letting the grin fall off my face. “Probably not.”

“Trixie’s not saying you can’t be a rebel…” Trixie stared at me in silence for a brief moment. “She just thinks that you might want to have some kind of reason to be a rebel. Otherwise you’re just going to come across as being a lowlife.”

“Well, what about being a rebel to stop the evil Twilight Sparkle?” I hopefully suggested.

“Well the problem with that is you’ve already concluded that Twilight Sparkle really wasn’t all that evil.” Trixie shrugged. “But don’t get Trixie wrong, Twilight’s still a dork… just not an evil dork.”

“Yeah…”

I chewed on my lip as I thought about all that had happened. I hadn’t really realized it until now, but today was a brand new day. Between the chaos of the Annual Magic Users Convention and the retelling of my adventure to the detective, the entire night had just disappeared without me noticing.

It was now early in the morning and the sun hung low in the sky, the orange tinted orb floating above the horizon and partially hidden amongst the clouds. The wind that gently rolled past was a bit chilly, but somehow I never felt cold from it. With the birds in nearby trees happily chirping and singing all around me, I actually felt warm. And I guess I began to realize, this whole experience hadn’t been so bad after all.

“You know…” Trixie removed her hat and tried to straighten her hair with her hoof. Though, she only seemed to be messing it up even more. “You’re pretty good at making a scene and telling stories and stuff… Would you…” She drifted off.

Scraping some of the residual garbage out of my mane and off of my coat, I waited patiently for her to continue.

My friend stopped trying to fix her hair and plopped her hat back on her head. “Would you like to come help Trixie with… you know… magic shows?”

“YES!” I was so happy and excited by her offer I couldn’t contain myself. “ABSOLUTELY! I would LOVE to come and do magic-related stuff with you! I could help you move your stage and be like this awesome narrator pony and I could help you-”

“A simple ‘yes’ would have sufficed.” Trixie said, stopping me before I got too carried away.

A big smile found its way onto Trixie’s face and she started slowly walking away, the cool morning wind nipping at her cape as she followed the streets through the city. I hastened to follow her.

“But Trixie likes your enthusiasm.” my friend added. “She’s already starting to find ways to incorporate you into her act…”

The sun slowly rising higher in the sky, its color gradually changing from dark orange to light yellow, the two of us made our way down the street together. My new friend and, for all intents and purposes, new coworker, went on and on about her magnificent plans and how we would be showered with praise and riches wherever we went. All the while, I just followed her with wide-eyes and giddy anticipation. But it was more than just a new job with my new friend that got me so excited. I had really learned a lot today. But if there was one thing that stuck out the most, it was that I learned not to make shallow, uneducated presumptions about other ponies. All along I had assumed that Twilight Sparkle was an evil tyrant set on conquering the world and destroying our nation, but if I had sat down and thought about it for a minute or two I would have realized that she wasn’t a tyrant. She was the friendly librarian down the road.

But it wasn’t just Twilight. I had prejudged a lot of ponies today. I thought Celestia was going to be this big, scary, cold-hearted political figure, but she was actually really nice. Even though she had known all along that I was only pretending to be Twilight Sparkle, she was so accommodating, even going so far as to play along with my silly farce.

And Trixie… At first, I had thought she was a sinister assassin or bounty hunter, sent to stop me from ruining the tyrant Twilight’s plans and gobble up my brains like a hot apple pie! But that wasn’t true at all. If it wasn’t for her… well, I can’t honestly say where I would be right now. She helped me find my way when I was lost, showed me a world of knowledge I would have never figured out on my own, and risked everything she had for me. In less than a day, she had gone from a complete stranger to my very best friend; and that’s something I wouldn’t trade for the world.

Also, she was ‘CAPTAIN RAINBOW: Hero of the Universe and Destroyer of Evil Things’, which was pretty cool too.

As if on cue, my friend suddenly stopped moving forward and looked at me. “Oh! Trixie almost forgot!”

“Woah- What the HECK!” I couldn’t believe it. “Are you referring yourself in third-person!?”

Trixie was silent for a very long time. She reminded me of the detective, never knowing quite how to react to my genius. In the end, she seemed to have decided the best way to respond to my question was by leaving it unanswered.

And so, carrying on like nothing happened, Trixie retrieved an already opened letter from seemingly nowhere and passed it to me. Curious, I looked inside and pulled out a lone piece of paper. On it was written:

Our party was cut a little short. You two missed the music. I told Luna it was the Royal Equestrian Symphony Orchestra. I lied. It was somepony by the name of ‘DJ Pon-3’. It’s like a full-on rave in here right now. It’s pretty radical.

Gotta go now. Luna- I mean, Nightmare Moon is breaking dishes again.

-Princess Celestia

P.S. I know about the restraining order… Yeah, that’s right. I know about things before they happen. I’m just that cool. Anyway, I’ve made an exception.

P.P.S. Check the newspaper when you get a chance.

I wasn’t quite sure what to make of that letter until I looked back at Trixie to see her grinning proudly with two very familiar tickets floating in the air beside her.

“Looks like you’ll need to buy a new hat for next year.” she said, chuckling and giving me a newspaper.

I began to question how Trixie had all these items so readily available, yet I had never noticed them before. And then I realized, It’s magic! She doesn’t have to explain it!

On the front page of the newspaper was written: Nightmare Moon Returns! Equestria in Chaos!

When I read that title, I realized what Celestia had meant. I really did owe Princess Luna an apology. Like so many others, I had made assumptions about her too. But as I learned, she wasn’t evil. She wasn’t trying to prevent me from saving the world. She only wanted to enjoy all the magnificence of the wonderful party and I…

I felt like I ruined it for her. If I had only listened to her, then maybe I wouldn’t have caused her so much pain and suffering. And so, in addition to apologizing to Luna, from that point forward, I vowed to never make petty assumptions about any ponies ever again.

Trixie shook her head. “Not that one.” She flipped the paper over and pointed at a different, less prominent article near the bottom corner.

In a sudden and inexplicable move by Princess Celestia, all forms of surprise parties have been outlawed. While most ponies remain confused, but unaffected by the ruling, one hyperactive pink pony has fiercely protested the new decision.

I don’t think my smile could have been any wider. Take THAT, you pink devil!

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Author's Notes:

Well, it's a little late, but it's finally done!

Unfortunately, I never did find a replacement editor, so I apologize for any spelling/grammar errors. If you notice anything major, please tell me and I'll fix it as soon as I can.

I guess I don't really have any plans for writing anything else anytime soon. One of these days I'd like to write a one-chapter long story, but I don't have any plans for that. I'd also like to write a sequel to my first story, but I can't say how long it will take before I get around to doing that.

With all that aside, thank you all for reading this ridiculous story of mine. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

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Disclaimer:

Chapter 1

The Mailmare
By theamberfox

Chapter 1

“Alright Miss Hooves,” asked the detective, leaning forward in his chair and peering over the table at me, “as you may already know, we have nearly a hundred eye witnesses claiming that you are solely responsible for bringing the terrible Nightmare Moon back into our peaceful country. Do you deny this claim or do you indeed accept responsibility for this disastrous event?”

Smiling only slightly, I carefully nodded my head, “No, I guess that’s true sir. I am responsible for that, but you can’t ignore that Trixie did help me.”

The detective sifted through several papers lying on the table directly in front of him, slowly moving them from a small pile on his right to a much larger pile on his left.

“While the department agrees that Trixie did play some part in this mishap, we have enough evidence to suggest that she was not the primary influence.” the detective said, not bothering to look up as he continued to work through the pile of papers.

In the brief silence that followed, I looked into the large mirror on the wall beside us, but my reflection was one that I hardly even recognized. I was wearing that fantastic purple hat on my head, its surface beautifully decorated with blue and yellow stars of various sizes. And my coat, partially hidden beneath the stained black suit I wore, was still a faint violet colour instead of the dull grey I had grown accustomed to. I wonder how hard it’s going to be to get that colour out.

“Now since you’ve already admitted to your crimes, the department doesn’t actually need any more information from you,” the detective continued, raising his head, and his gaze, back towards me, “but I must admit that you’ve piqued my curiosity, Miss Hooves. Just how exactly did you manage to rouse one of the most villainous ponies in history… at the Annual Magic Users Convention?”

I grinned, “Well, I guess it all started yesterday, at a meeting with my boss not entirely unlike this one…”

“An anvil?” the dreary grey stallion asked in disbelief, his bewilderment replacing any and all irritation he should have had with me. “You dropped an anvil on somepony?”

I looked directly back at him and hesitantly admitted, “Um... yes…”

“And a piano as well?”

“Yes,” I nodded before quickly adding, “but it wasn’t a grand piano.”

The expression on his face, his furrowed brow, the long wooden pipe dangling out of the side of his gaping mouth, his huge fluffy white beard and mane… it was expressing his confusion almost too well and I must admit, the whole situation was beginning to make me smile like a complete nincompoop.

Trying to regain my composure before I started laughing, I opened my mouth once again, “I also dropped a pot of flowers and-”

“Enough!” he shouted, interrupting me quite rudely.

The postmaster never seemed to appreciate my joyful exuberance, or any facet of my life for that matter, and thus, I never came to appreciate any of his characteristics either. And though I now consider him to be a truly detestable stallion, I still remember the day I was first hired and the glow of his bright smile which had filled the room. Indeed, he was much more spirited back then, so completely full of life. But shortly after I started actually working with him, his attitude worsened. I could have sworn that his appearance during my interview was merely a façade, a cruel act that he used to lure unsuspecting victims into his den of pure evil, but my coworkers quickly tossed that theory aside. Each and every one of them said he wasn’t like this before, but that something unexpected, terrible and altogether catastrophic must have happened to him recently, perhaps even the very same day that I was hired. However, I still have no idea what that life-altering event may have been.

“Enough, Miss Hooves.” he repeated. “I’m trying to be sympathetic, but as usual, you are not making it easy for me. In the past week you’ve misdelivered thirteen of your letters…”

His words abruptly pulling my wandering attention away from the stallion’s past life, I tried to understand what he was getting at. Thirteen was definitely an unlucky number and though it never even crossed my mind that the postmaster was a superstitious pony, it would make a lot of sense. It would certainly explain why he was always knocking on his oversized wooden desk whenever he spoke with me. But I always believed he was far more forceful than was really necessary, the stallion slamming his hooves so violently upon the desk that he severely dented and scratched the previously perfect surface.

“Misplaced seven more…” he went on.

But if he was superstitious, surely he would have realized that seven was a lucky number. Wouldn’t that have cancelled out the negative energy of the previous number? In fact, I considered seven to be ‘very lucky’ and thirteen to be only ‘kind of unlucky’, so the luckiness would have easily offset the unluckiness of the situation, therefore creating an overall result of ‘kind of lucky’...

Or was it ‘almost lucky’? Math was never my greatest subject in school.

“And now I hear about this incident? Miss Hooves, you are very fortunate that mare isn’t going to sue us for that.”

“Who?” I asked, my smile falling.

The postmaster was obviously going off on some strange tangent now, his inane mutterings irrelevant to the topic of luck.

“The one you dropped the anvil on.” he said plainly. “I don’t know her name, but I hear she’s a very important pony.”

I flashed a strange glance back, “Why would I drop an anvil on-”

“Miss Hooves!” he shouted aggressively, slamming on his desk and crudely interrupting me yet again.

There were many things I disliked about the postmaster, but none more than his constant interruptions. He was always acting like I was some kind of brainless idiot that needed to be told when to stop talking. But I am no brainless idiot. I was the inventor of the cabbage bran muffin. No simpleton could invent the cabbage bran muffin, a unique flavour that critics have regarded as ‘a disturbing adventure into the unwelcoming world of backwater baked-goods’.

The postmaster continued, “I realize that anypony can have a bad day, but…”

He paused and looked directly into my eyes, his facial features regaining the same expression he had before and forcing another stupid grin back on my face. I lifted a hoof to my mouth and diverted my gaze to the coat rack, trying to hide my amusement.

There, on the coat rack, the postmaster had hanging both his large coat and bizarre pointed hat. They were bright red with a thick white trim running around their edges. It seemed like a very strange getup to me, but then I suppose he was a very strange pony.

“…but you seem to find a way to make every day here a bad day.” the postmaster finally concluded with a sigh. “Listen, I’m going to give you some time off. You can relax for a while and regain your composure and, hopefully, when you come back, everything will be just fine and dandy and I won’t have to speak to you like this again.”

“Oh! Like a vacation?” I asked, my eyes widening in anticipation as I lowered my hoof back to the floor and turned my attention towards the stallion.

“You could call it that.” he cautiously replied. “Don’t worry about the mail; we’ll have somepony else cover your route while you’re gone.”

I hadn’t been on a vacation since I went on a ‘permanent vacation’ from my last job as a professional philanthropist. I didn’t mind the job and it definitely had its moments, but it always felt like I was just giving my money away and getting nothing in return. I guess I just wasn’t very good at it.

“Just one last thing, Miss Hooves.” the postmaster added, setting his pipe down on the brim of a glass ashtray nearby. “I want you to deliver today’s mail… without any screw ups. Can you do that for me..? Please..?”

“Of course! Neither rain, nor sleet, nor-”

“Miss Hooves,” he interrupted again, “at this point I don’t really care if you have to wait until it stops raining, just get the mail delivered properly. And if I hear about any problems, you’re going to have to start looking for a new job.

“Now hurry up and get out of my sight before I change my mind and simply fire you.”

I blinked once before turning around and hastening out the door. I didn’t like the postmaster, but I suppose I could understand what he was so angry about. I admit that I hadn’t done the best job of delivering the mail lately, losing a few letters and damaging some of the packages, but I never would have thought I would lose my job over it. After all, I really liked delivering the mail. It was fun getting to see everypony’s reactions when they received their letters and parcels. Some ponies were so happy to get mail from loved ones, their smiling faces beaming back at me, while others were simply confused, staring at their mail like they didn’t even know what was going on. There was only one reaction I truly didn’t enjoy seeing. It was the one where ponies got upset with me, like they never wanted to receive anything in the first place, but that’s not really my fault is it? I mean, I didn’t send them that broken lamp or those smashed dishes, so why are they angry at me?

Pushing my apprehension aside, I worked my way down the hallway and entered the mail sorting room only to be confronted with the same clueless looking individual I encountered almost every day of my life. I could tell his life was going nowhere fast; he seemed like such a failure. Frankly, I’d be surprised if he ever accomplished anything useful since he spent nearly all of his free time in that mailroom drawing these complicated diagrams on one of the many decidedly random chalkboards scattered around the walls. They were all incredibly detailed pictures of carriages and wagons with metal pipes sticking out the back and not a single pony at the front to pull them. And instead of reins, they had their spare wheel attached near the seat of the caravan as if the panic-stricken rider was supposed to grapple onto it when they inevitably lost control and careened off a cliff.

“At it again, are you Karl?” I chuckled lightly, approaching the unicorn from behind while he furiously ran a piece of chalk across one of the empty boards.

“Just take your mail and get out of here, Derpy.” he said with a sigh. “I’m very busy right now. I believe I’ve finally discovered how to power the engine of my device! I’m going to use internal combustion to push pistons in-”

“Oh you and your crazy contraptions, Karl!” I laughed. “One of these days you’ll learn that there’s more to life than being cooped up in this mailroom, working away on these funny pictures.”

He sighed again and turned around. I could tell by the annoyed expression on his face that he was obviously not very convinced by my argument, but I wasn’t worried. I would find a way to clear his mind of this nonsense.

“Like what?” he asked with clear hesitation in his voice.

“Like romance! Adventure! Political intrigue! Love!”

“I think love and romance are essentially the same things, Derpy.”

“Pfft…” I scoffed. “Amateur.”

He just closed his eyes and shook his head.

“Tell you what, Karl,” I said confidently, “I will show you the error of your ways, but first you need to do something for me.”

“Look, we can talk about this later, just please take your mail and go. You’re late, so it’s the last bag sitting on the counter. You can’t miss it.”

“Oh, so you think you can get out of this argument just like that, do you Karl?” I raised an eyebrow to demonstrate my excellent deductive skills. “Well it’s not going to be that easy.”

“Alright, alright...” he complied, the annoyance easily visible on his face.

“Good, now close your eyes.”

“Close… my eyes?” he asked with hesitation.

“Yes,” I confirmed, “and don’t open them until I tell you to.”

Without a word, he sat down and closed his eyes. I think he was more eager to watch me leave than discover the true meaning of life, but that’s exactly why I was doing this.

I quickly jumped into action, grabbing the chalk eraser near one of the boards and vigorously erasing everything in sight. I would convince him that his drawings of these convoluted machines were but a complication of reality and as soon as I abstracted them away, dissolved them into the very fabric of life, he could realize his full potential… or something like that anyway.

But when I finally erased every last thing on those chalkboards and told him to open his eyes, I wasn’t exactly sure I liked the full potential of Karl. The unicorn exploded, his entire body trembling as he glared at me with a passionate flame glowing in his eyes.

And while he stared back at me, I realized something that I hadn’t thought of before. I realized that erasing those diagrams may not have been the smartest idea because, although I had abstracted away the complications of reality, I now had to deal with a pony that was focused, attentive and obviously one-hundred percent in love with me.

He was speechless for now, but I knew what he wanted to say, which is exactly why it was so awkward. He was a nice pony, but I just wasn’t really all that attracted to him.

“Derpy,” his voice quivered, “do you know how long-”

“Oh! You know what?” I interrupted, half shouting my words at him. “I’m going to be late! So although I’m really, truly glad you’ve discovered the true meaning of life, I just don’t have time for romance now, Karl. I’ve got important mail to deliver.”

“Romance!?” he asked, the fire in his eyes intensifying.

I really shouldn’t have done that, mentioned that word. Because now that he knew I was aware of his love, he started to approach me. And soon, fear blanketed over me like thick pancake batter. He was surely going to pounce on me, smother me with his unconditional love!

“Don’t worry, Karl.” I hastily consoled. “We’ll have dinner together sometime, I promise.”

I jumped to the side as he leapt towards me, barely managing to escape his adoring grasp. And knowing that I couldn’t afford to stick around any longer, I latched onto the mailbag sitting on the counter beside me and flew out the door of the mailroom as fast as I could, his powerful voice shaking the entire building as I launched into the sky.

“Hoooooves!!!”

Arriving back at my humble abode in Ponyville, my attention immediately turned to the large white mailbag. It was unusually light today, feeling almost as if it was completely empty as I lifted it off the ground and plopped it onto the kitchen table. And sure enough, upon overturning the bag for my diligent inspection, only a single, brilliant white envelope fell out. To my wonderment, this envelope had perfectly articulated writing upon its front, but some kind of intricately detailed wax marking stuck on the flap. It was an image of two alicorns seemingly racing after one another in a circle. And while I was quite amazed with the detail of this strange, red gunk stuck on the side of the envelope, it was still simply gunk and I had no choice but to forcibly remove it. After all, I was going to deliver this letter properly and that meant I wasn’t about to unsettle the poor recipient’s stomach with the grotesque image of some identifiable gunk plastered on the side of the letter.

After carefully peeling off the red lump and removing every last trace of the marking, I flipped over the envelope and focused my attention on the opposite side. On the top right corner was a stamp with a pretty blue butterfly fluttering through the wind over the number ten. The ten was for the number of bits it cost to send the letter, but I had absolutely no idea what the butterfly was doing there. If anything at all, I believed that this butterfly only sabotaged ponies’ beliefs of our postal system. After all, what would a child think when they saw this, that butterflies delivered our mail? To me, the mere thought was completely unacceptable, to think of a world where the children grow up believing we live in some kind of magical fairy tale world oversaturated with rainbows and happiness and delicately choreographed song and dance! Unspeakable!

But I would not let my annoyance with our country’s stamps intrude on my job and I turned my attention to the top left corner of the envelope. On it was the sender’s information.

Princess Celestia
Royal Canterlot Castle
Canterlot

We never got many letters from the princess, so I found it to be quite strange that I was about to deliver one of them. She generally had other methods of sending and receiving her messages. I heard rumours that she stole and hatched baby dragon eggs to be used exclusively as magical mailboxes, slaves that existed for the sole purpose of sending instantaneous messages. Though I had also heard these baby dragons were especially susceptible to falling in love with white unicorns, turning into massive, terrible greedy monsters at random intervals, and eating extremely valuable jewels because they apparently ‘tasted delicious’, so I don’t actually believe any of these rumours. Everything about them just seemed too farfetched. I had tried eating a jewel before, but I only managed to chip my tooth and I can assure you, the resulting visit to the dentist’s office was not a ‘delicious’ experience.

The main attraction of the envelope, located in the direct center, was of course, the recipient’s address.

Twilight Sparkle
32 Meadowview Lane
Ponyville

I remembered hearing that name before, but I couldn’t remember where I had heard it or who it was. More importantly, however, I remembered that address. Something about it seemed awfully peculiar. It almost felt like the address listed on the envelope was… my own address.

I picked up the envelope and rushed outside the door, down the pathway and into the street. Quickly spinning around, I stared at the number on my house.

“Thirty Two” I mumbled quietly, still holding the envelope in my mouth as I confirmed the number near the front door.

I fluttered my eyes in confusion and looked down at the sign near the end of the street.

“Meadowview Lane” I mumbled more loudly.

Blinking once more, I looked back at the number on my house.

“Thirty Two”

I carefully set the letter on the ground beside me.

“Thirty Two Meadowview Lane.” I announced loudly, attracting the attention of several mares and stallions in the immediate vicinity.

And though the most common reaction to my announcement had been one of surprise and misunderstanding, ponies staring at me awkwardly as if I were delusional, one pony reacted in a completely different manner. This was a pony I both recognized… and feared.

I had first encountered this unusual and terrifying individual about five years ago, the very same day I moved to Ponyville. Unable to find work in my hometown and longing to escape the tragedies of the bustling urban living, I had made the decision to move to Ponyville on a whim. It was a foolish choice perhaps, as I really knew nothing about the place. Well before I even knew what it looked like, I had already spent what little I had to purchase a house and tightly packed all my hopes and dreams into a pair of tattered saddlebags. (In reality, I had quite recklessly left most of my dreams behind when I left, but thankfully the nice ponies that bought my old apartment were kind enough to send them to me several weeks later.)

On the night I arrived in Ponyville and made the trek to the door of my new home, the town was all but deserted. It was perhaps rightly so. Well into the winter months, the cold was biting and heavy frost clung to my coat like popcorn between one’s teeth. It kept me grounded and slowed my progress to a crawl, but I eventually reached the bright red door of my house and after fiddling with the keys for a brief moment, I turned the lock and opened the door, clumsily stumbling over the threshold and into the world waiting for me on the other side.

The world that waited for me on the other side, however, was not any world I could have ever expected. No, it was far more wretched and terrible than even the most intense body odour. For as soon as I had entered, a light flashed brightly from inside the dark room of the house and everything within it was illuminated at once, as if the very sun itself had risen inside my new living room. At the same time, a deafening barrage of noises pierced my eardrums; terrible screeching and high-pitched wailing that filled the room as quickly as the light had touched the corners.

The sudden brightness was nearly blinding and my vision became blurred, giving me only a squinting, deranged glance of the screeching monsters around me. Their long, snakelike tongues extended rapidly outwards, curling back in on themselves before extending again and again in pulsating motions. On the very crown of their heads, they each brandished a terrible spiky horn, wider at its base and sharper at its point than that of any normal unicorn.

And while this intense horror ravaged my senses from every direction, a single pony was visible in the chaos, peeking through the obscurity like the bright moon peeked through the clouded winter sky outside my door. I was sure she had been driven into madness, her eyes shut tightly as she babbled incomprehensibly and pranced around me.

This pony was a colour that still haunts me to this very day. Her coat, her mane and her tail were all the very brightest shade of the most horrendous pink.

Petrified, I dropped my keys and my bags, opening my mouth wide and shrieking louder than a rusty nail on a blackboard. Shortly after, the bright light dimmed before me, the noises settled to a murmur, the pink pony became a simple blurry pink object and I promptly passed out on the floor.

It was morning, several hours later, when I finally awoke, tearing myself from the sheets of the bed and jumping onto the floor, my eyes darting around the room like wasps. But despite the horrible events of last night, the room was empty except for the bed I slept on, my saddlebags neatly packed in one corner with my keys resting gently on top of them, and a small note on a bulky white nightstand.

You sure haven’t been to many parties before, have you?
Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.

Have a super-duper-awesomely-spectacular day,
Pinkie Pie

If it hadn’t been for that note, that strange slip of paper on the nightstand, I would have easily thought it all to be just a mere dream. But now I knew that this entire town was riddled with something far more serious than a bad cold. It was the host of a cult and this Pinkie Pie was its leader. She was almost certainly leading a band of pointy-headed, snake-tongued monsters and trying to involve me in some kind of extraordinary ritual or initiation that threatened to erase my existence forever, only giving me unsettling promises that I would soon ‘get used to it’ and ‘have a super-duper-awesomely-spectacular day’.

Well either that or I had grossly overreacted to a welcome party.

Whatever the case may have been, I thought it best to avoid this strange pink pony to the best of my ability and I admit I was doing a respectable job of it, but now… now she was right here in front of me, staring me in the eyes and approaching me with a dreadfully happy and hurried hopping.

Pinkie Pie had an alarmingly wild hairstyle, huge tufts of hair puffing out erratically on her mane and tail. Her eyes were closed as she pranced about, but their soul-piercing gaze stained my memory like blueberries on a white tablecloth. And as she hopped ever closer, I found myself frozen in place, paralyzed with fear and unable to react to the bright pink that descended upon me.

“Hey there Derpy! Whatcha up to?” she said, stopping unexpectedly and flashing a chilling smile at me while her hair continued to bounce up and down pendulously.

“OH, DEAR CELESTIA, WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME!?” I screamed, unconsciously backing away from her in horror.

“Oh, hahaha!” she cackled.

Her laughter was beyond any shadows of a doubt, disturbing. It shook my nerves violently and once again, I was frozen in place, pathetically fixing an unblinking stare down the witch’s throat.

“Derpy, you’re so funny! I just wanted to say hi and ask you why you’re screaming your lungs out like a super loud and crazy screaming baboon in the middle of the street.”

It hadn’t occurred to me before that this pink demon might actually be able to help me with my problem. And as much as it pained me to admit it, if anyone knew where I lived, it would have to be this terrifying, all-knowing monster that had ambushed me on the very first day I had arrived here. And if she could confirm that this was indeed my address, then I could get away from her and escape to the sanctuary of my own home as quickly as possible.

“IS MY ADDRESS THIRTY TWO MEADOWVIEW LANE!?” I desperately screamed back at her.

“Hahaha!” she laughed again.

Her laughter was so horrible. I couldn’t stand it. I closed my eyes and quivered in fear, pleading that she would answer and leave me in peace.

“Of course it’s your address, silly-willy.” she said as soon as she had stopped laughing.

The adrenaline kicked in at once and my heart, unrestrained, seemed to burst from my chest. With not a moment to lose, I snatched the letter lying on the ground and darted into the house. I then threw the letter on the floor of the living room and slammed the door, locking it securely behind me.

A few heart-wrenching seconds later, I carefully pulled myself to the window and peered out through the gap in the curtains. Outside, Pinkie Pie tilted her head to one side and then laughed once more, sending violent shivers coursing down my spine. Soon after, however, she stopped her wretched cackling and bounced away, finally disappearing from my sight and putting my mind at ease.

Like thick marmalade, I slid down the wall and consolidated myself on the floor. I had narrowly escaped her this time, but I was certain I wouldn’t be so fortunate again. She was always there, always watching, and always laughing.

But I had more important things to worry about at this point in time than the possibility of my imminent demise and I began to pull myself along the floor to the now bent envelope resting by the doorway. The letter was indeed interesting, being addressed to this very residence, and I wanted to know why it had been sent here. Pulling my eyes over the letter and looking down upon it, I read the face of the envelope once more.

Twilight Sparkle
32 Meadowview Lane
Ponyville

Knowing that I and I alone lived in Ponyville at the address ‘Thirty Two Meadowview Lane’, I believed there was only one conclusion that could be reached at this point in time. The conclusion that I made was ever so obvious, that I, Derpy Hooves, am also Twilight Sparkle.

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Author's Notes:

Hello everyone! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of my new story.

For those of you interested in getting better, proper look at the cover art I created for this story, there is a copy of it on my blog on fimfiction. There is also some general information about the story there, but to sum it up, I plan on making this story four chapters long with each chapter lasting about ten pages.

And for those of you who are interested in, but unfamiliar with my other work, you can check out "Shadows of the Sun", a much deeper, darker story about politics and tragedy. (It is, however, just about the complete polar opposite of the story you have just been reading.)

________________________________________________________________________

Disclaimer:

Chapter 8

The Mailmare
By theamberfox

Chapter 8

“Ummm… I’m not really sure what’s going on here,” the unicorn presenter with the silly tinfoil hat admitted to the room of shocked faces. One pony was even crying, though I honestly don’t know why. Perhaps she had simply been frightened by the shear gloriousness of our hoof slap.

Celestia pulled the bottle of maple syrup from her lips, swished some of the residual liquid around in her mouth, swallowed and smiled a silly toothy smile, revealing a shiny silver bottle cap pinched in between her front teeth. Turning to face the presenter, she promptly spit the cap out onto the floor and resumed her peculiar facial expression.

Luna twitched.

“Don’t worry about it, buddy. You were getting kinda boring anyway.” Celestia laughed cheerfully and took another quick swig from the bottle of amber liquid. The unicorn presenter frowned. “You know, I watched this same presentation two-hundred and fifty-three years ago.” Celestia nodded insightfully. “Guy just like you walked up on stage and complained about ‘ambient rays’.” She rolled her eyes and smirked humorously. “I waited politely through his entire presentation, walked back behind stage, and proceeded to tell him exactly why his theory was wrong and well… kinda stupid too. I guess I didn’t want him to feel bad by ridiculing him in front of the crowd or something...

“But that was a different time, a time when I had…” Celestia pondered her next words for a moment. “What is it called?”

But the crowd did not have an answer; nor did the unicorn on stage; nor did I.

“Grace!” Celestia smiled politely. But after what was only a second or two, her smile turned upside down, seemingly causing her to drink from the bottle again. “Well I certainly don’t have that anymore. And this… this is just too boring. It’s like…” Celestia stopped and rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “It’s like… having a heart attack in a volcano filled with other ponies having heart attacks would actually be a more pleasurable experience than this right here, you know? Like, you can’t really see it, but I’m sitting over here and I’m like,” Celestia lurched forward and dramatically clawed at her chest. “AAAAHHHHHH!!!! I’M DYING!!! I’M DYIIIINNNG!!!” Celestia flung her hooves into the air and waved them about. “I’M DYING BECAUSE YOU’RE BORING AND ALL THESE OTHER PONIES IN THIS VOLCANO WITH ME ARE DYING TOO, BUT I GUESS THEY COULD BE DYING FOR DIFFERENT REASONS BECAUSE I HONESTLY HAVEN’T HAD THE CHANCE TO ASK THEM WHY THEY’RE DYING BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY DYIIIIINNNG!!!!”

Luna watched the whole thing with a very blank expression. Her right ear twitched.

Celestia took a huge breath and then said, “So you know what!? I’m just going to end it right here, right now.” Celestia pointed fiercely at the unicorn on stage and boomed out, “I know what you’re doing, you devil! You’re just trying to get everypony to buy your stupid hats! Well the jig is up, buster! You lose! Nopony will buy your hats! Not now, not ever!!!”

The crowd gasped loudly and the unicorn presenter looked around the room, having obviously no clue what was happening.

Celestia narrowed her eyes to thin slits and glared at the presenter. The room fell silent. And without any warning at all, the unicorn presenter screamed in frustration and in a flash of light, he transformed into a much more feminine creature with translucent green, paper-like wings, a strange, crooked horn on her head and long slender black legs.

“Queen Chrysalis!” Celestia shouted in surprise. “Guards! Guards!” she called frantically, once more waving her hooves around in the air. It seemed to me that her occupation consisted of a lot of flailing about.

Luna’s mouth twitched.

Several armored ponies, having just realized that this was actually a real emergency, rushed into the room and toward the stage. Although, I had no idea why everypony was so concerned. I mean, sure, maybe she was acting a little inappropriately for such a fancy, one-of-a-kind event, but cross-dressers are just a natural fact of life. And if this ‘Queen Chrysalis’ character wants to dress like a stallion for the first half of the party and a mare for the second half then we shouldn’t be so judgmental of her.

On the other hoof, she really should have considered investing in a good quality exfoliating scrub. Her pores were so bad it almost looked like she had big holes in her legs. And I won’t even begin to mention the atrocious state of her mane and tail…

“Curse you, Princess Celestia! You may have found me out,” Queen Chrysalis laughed hysterically, “but I’ll be back! You cannot protect your precious little ponies from my pyramid schemes forever! And the first time you misstep, I’ll ruin your self-sustaining economy and then I’ll have the largest GDP per capita!!! Hahahahaha!”

And In another bright flash of light, the weird queen with the terrible hygiene was gone, just before the guards had reached the stage to put a stop to her bizarre, unexpected reaction.

Luna’s eye twitched.

“Awwwww!” Celestia roared and pounded the table with her hoof. “Not again! Last time she tried to take away all our love so she could suck us into some expensive telephone dating service and this time she tries to sell tinfoil hats to protect us from imaginary radiation.” Celestia hopped on top of the table, which was still broken and only a couple inches higher than the floor. “Well fear not, Equestrians! For I shall protect you from Chrysalis’ evil schemes and Equestria will always have the largest GDP per capita!”

I think Celestia was expecting a roaring applause from all over the room, but she received only a very enthusiastic clapping and vociferous encouragement from a table of economists in the far left corner. But these economists were really having the time of their lives! They were so happy one of them even fainted! The rest of the ponies were, however, left as bewildered as Trixie and I and so we both shrugged and quietly returned to our places on the floor beside the broken table and proceeded to act like we had never even left the room in the first place.

“What a couple of lunatics.” I joked, prodding Princess Luna in the ribs and laughing.

Luna stared at me strangely and waited a very long time before answering with a very monotonous, “Yes.”

Luna seemed a little different. Her neck twitched.

Celestia stepped off the table and sat down again. “Well, I can’t thank you enough for the whiskey, Twilight. You know, you really are like the little sister I never had.”

Luna’s nose twitched.

“Haha!” Celestia slapped her real sister on the back. “I’m just joking, little Luna, joking! Haha!”

Is that what they call it now? I wondered. Whiskey? I hadn’t actually bought any maple syrup for a while now, so I wasn’t incredibly up to date with all the street-slang for it.

Celestia smiled. “Well anyway, without this whiskey, who knows!? Maybe we would have actually bought into Chrysalis’ evil schemes.” She chuckled. “I guess it would have been kinda funny to see all those ponies wearing those stupid foil hats. Though I fear the first lightning storm would put the death toll in the thousands!”

“Oh, it was no trouble at all, Princess Celestia.” I reassured her. “All in a day’s work!”

Celestia fixed a questioning look in my direction. “Twilight, you know as well as I do that you never do any real work.”

I just stared back at her in silence. She was oddly serious right now. Perhaps the effects of the syrup wore off more quickly than that of the wine.

But Celestia smiled and laughed again. “Oh, I’m just kidding, you egghead! But it’s funny though, I think I was about to do something very important before I started drinking this whiskey.” Celestia took another quick swig from the bottle. “But for the life of me, I can’t seem to remember what it was!”

Luna’s entire body seemed to twitch.

“Haha!” Celestia enthusiastically pounded the table with her hoof. “Oh Well! Couldn’t have been that important!” But afterward, she, quite unexpectedly, put on a very grim face. “But now we’ve got a real problem. See, now we’ve got a couple o’ minutes to kill before the next presenter starts. So? Anypony gotta a suggestion? How can we murder a couple o’ minutes!?”

It seemed that one choice word Celestia had used, ‘murder’ to be exact, had caused Princess Luna to reach some sort of incredible epiphany. For as soon as she heard that word, she spoke up immediately. “The royal we have an idea, sister dear!” She smiled queerly. “Yes! Thou hast merely forgotten what the royal we have discussed earlier. Yes! When Twilight and her friend were away. Yes!”

“Hmm?” Celestia, Trixie and I mumbled all at once with nearly the same amount of confusion in our tone.

“Oh, yeeessss!” Luna grinned a great big toothy grin. “Thou hast just forgotten, silly dear! We were going to give Twilight here such a wonderfultastic opportunity when she returned! She’s going to speak in front of everypony! With that speech you told her to prepare, yes? Yes.”

Something about Luna’s voice sounded very strange right about then, like something inside her head had simply popped and now she was really losing it.

“Yes, yes, yeeesss!” Luna chuckled. “Yes, Twilight, thou art going to trot thy silly little bottom of thine up on to that stage and thou art going to present a really good speech. Yes!”

I pointed at myself and raised an eyebrow in her direction. A speech? Me?

I was certain she was losing it now… she was acting much too nice! She had lost all of her grumpiness! Why, she was downright pleasant now! Letting me speak in front of such a large audience? That sounded like one heck of a wonderfultastic opportunity!

“Don’t be silly, Luna.” Celestia patted her sister lightly on the head. “Twilight’s a terrible speaker. She can’t even chew bubble-gum in front of a crowd, let alone open her mouth.” Celestia scrunched up her face, making her repulsion quite clear. “She just gets it stuck in between her teeth and then complains about how the milk doesn’t loosen the gum up. But everypony knows you drink milk to loosen the-”

But Luna just cut her sister off, “Yes. Yeeess, she is a terrible speaker.” Luna giggled abruptly and for an unusually short period of time. “And that’s exactly why she needs to speak. Yes. She needs to get better at it. She needs to learn. She needs learn about the magic of friendship speaking! Because she’s definitely Twilight Sparkle and not some silly imposter! Yes. YEEEESSS!”

And with that, she hopped to her feet and walked quickly up to the stage.

"YES!" Luna said again to no pony in particular when she was almost halfway up to the stage.

“Do you think she’s alright?” Celestia asked Trixie in an unusually sober tone.

“She’s fine.” I nodded.

“Yeah, if this evening has been any indication, she’s not really acting that unusual.” Trixie said with a roll of her eyes. “You might want to give her some milk to loosen some of that crazy though.”

Celestia nodded in agreement. “Yes, that’s what I was thinking too; I’ll get the waiter.”

“Haha! Yes!” Luna declared loudly, somehow reappearing directly behind Trixie and me and making our hair stand on end. “Twilight! You forgot to come with the royal we! Yes! Yes, thou hast forgotten to come with the royal we up to the stage! That’s the most important part. The stage! Yes.”

Luna whisked me up off the floor, her horn glowing dully as she held me in mid-air with her magical power.

Trixie and Celestia looked a little more worried, but I was sure everything was going to be just fine. I was excited about giving my prepared speech! So I just decided to hang there helplessly as she pulled me to the stage. It was a rather comfortable ride, actually, like floating on a cloud.

…Well, at least most of the time it was comfortable. Every once in a while Princess Luna would accidently drop me, but she always apologized for it, so it was okay.

When we were finally nearing the stage Luna’s head snapped backward and she smiled at me. “Hast thou noticed how orange the walls are today, Twilight dearest?”

Come to think of it, I didn’t think the walls were orange at all.

“You know, I actually haven’t noticed.” I responded with a cheerful nod. “But I’m sure glad you pointed that out.” I looked around the room once more. “For some reason, they look grey to me…”

“And what of the ceiling?” Luna asked with a crooked grin. “Hast thou noticed how much it has been melting this evening?”

I started to turn my head up towards the ceiling to inspect this ‘melting’ for myself, but Princess Luna grabbed my cheeks firmly with both her fore hooves.

“Thou does not have to look! Yeeessss!” she blurted out with a healthy grin on her face. “Thou knows it’s true because the royal we said so! Yes! Yes.”

She let go of my cheeks and walked more quickly towards the stage, now dragging me along the floor behind her. At that point, however, I had other concerns than being dragged. I was afraid! Why in the world was the ceiling melting!? Even if Luna had let me look, I don’t think I would have wanted to! That sounded terrible!

When we came to the stairs leading to the top of the stage, Luna lifted me and accidently dropped me on every single step, but like always, she kindly apologized, so I didn’t mind… even if it hurt a little bit… or a lot... When we reached the top at last, she dropped me in a heap on the ground in the center of the stage and smiled at the big crowd of ponies.

“Well, this evening is certainly going just exactly just as the royal we had planned it so!” Luna announced. She must have been scared of the melting ceiling too, because her words weren’t making much sense. “Yes! Don’t you all agree to those words the royal we spoke!?” Luna didn’t give them time enough to even nod. “Yes, you do! So, the royal we need to throw it off balance a little bit, don’t the royal we? Yes? Yes.”

The noble ponies in their handsome black suits and their pretty coloured ball gowns looked more confused than ever. And for some reason, I still thought the walls looked grey, not orange. Maybe it was one of those pictures that, while it normally looks like just a bunch simple coloured dots, when you focus your eyes and stare at it for a couple of minutes then you can see a picture of a house or a puppy or something. I hated those things. I didn’t have so much free time that I could waste it on silly trick pictures!

Maybe I would just have to get Luna to point it out to me again.

Meanwhile, Trixie and Celestia were talking to each other and periodically glancing up at the stage. Maybe they can see the orange…

“YES! YEEEESSS!!!” Luna smiled and tilted her head slightly to the side. “Yes, the royal we need to SHAKE IT UP!! So let us all listen to this glorious speech the real, genuine Twilight Sparkle, student of our sister, the wonderful and royal and not drunk at all Princess Celestia, has prepared for us. Yes.”

Luna stared at me. “What is thou doing on the floor!? Get up! Thou has a speech to make. Yes! Yeeesss! Get up!”

She pulled me to my feet and pushed me to the front of the stage.

“A speech!” I said. “Of course! I almost forgot!”

And much to Luna’s apparent surprise, I pulled a crumple of papers out of my suit pocket.

“It’s a good thing I wrote this speech last week in preparation!” I announced to the crowd, who were still looking very concerned, but slightly less so than before. I suppose they, like me, were realizing that a melting ceiling wasn’t the worst thing in the world, especially one that was melting as slowly as this one. There was hardly even any ceiling on the floor yet.

“Of course thou did!” For a split second, Luna seemed intensely angry at me. But it didn’t last long and she smiled again. “Thou art the real, genuine Twilight Sparkle, student of my sister, the wonderful and royal and not drunk at all Princess Celestia! Yes! Yes!” Luna giggled childishly. “Now make the speech, now. And remember,” Luna yelled at the top of her lungs, “THE REAL TWILIGHT SPARKLE WOULD HAVE SOMETHING INSIGHTFUL AND WITTY AND INTELLIGENT TO SAY!”

Luna slowly moved away and sat down in the back corner of the stage. All the while, the crowd looked at me in great anticipation.

As they should, I thought. This will be a speech to remember…

"Ponies of Equestria!" I called out to them. “Our fair princess has promised you a speech! But tonight, I do not have a speech for you…”

I glanced back at Luna. She frowned at me. I merely smiled back and turned to face the crowd again.

“No, for you, ponies of Equestria, I have a legend!” I bellowed, drawing in the attention of the few stragglers that weren’t yet drawn to my voice. “I have a magnificent truth that few ponies know and yet, a truth that few can live without knowing!”

I smoothed out the piece of paper I had pulled out of my pocket and lifted it into the air.

“This!” I said, motioning towards the ratty old script. “Is not that truth!” The crowd of ponies fidgeted in their seats, not quite sure what to make of my words and yet, drawn into them all the same. “It is not that truth because a truth, a legend as great as this cannot be captured by mere words! And nor should it be! For the legend of two great kingdoms and the one who stood between them is one of epic proportions and nothing that could be told by a mortal being.”

The noble ponies in front of me were now completely entranced. A thief could have walked into this room and stolen every single pony’s wallet and not a soul in the room would pay him any mind. Even Princess Luna was completely quiet.

“Though I, the pony who would tell you this powerful legend, am of mortal flesh myself, and thus, one who can never truly give voice to this legend, I will attempt to retell it to the best of my ability.” My voice was like a cannon, my words like steel piercing their hearts. “For only then, when it is all said and done, will you know what you should have known long ago. You will know the legend of… The Muffin Man!”

At that moment, I noticed Luna was no longer entranced in my story, but was instead, gritting her teeth together in a very aggressive and irritated fashion. I wasn’t exactly sure why, because every other pony in the room was as silent as the night, their eyes like stars watching me from afar. Perhaps she does not like hearing the same story twice? No doubt a pony as old as her would have heard this story at least once before.

I continued regardless, raising my voice slightly and watching the crowed attentively as I went on. “Oh, do you know The Muffin Man? The Muffin Man? The Muffin Man? The one true knight in a sea of falsity and evil, he was a hero who took no sides, fought for no kingdoms, and lived for no riches. He alone fought for justice, lived for the happiness of the others, and took only the side of truth.

“It was a dark time, long ago, when the fields were bare and the lakes were dry. Two mighty kingdoms sat atop two different mountains, each one so convinced they had nothing in common with the other that only hate and prejudice ever left their gates.” I stamped my hoof against the floor and watched as every pony in the room, well except for Luna, jumped in surprise! “Each one grew and ate and lived from a different crop. One was a kingdom of wheat, oats and salt and the other was a kingdom of milk, eggs and butter. And whenever they met each other, in any circumstance, they would make it their objective to hate and ruin the other! It was not long before the kingdoms and their folk had enough of the bickering and the fighting. They, like all good inhabitants of this world, wanted peace! But peace, they thought, was something that had to be won! Peace was something that had to be fought for! Peace was the spoil of war! And so, when they had argued enough, the two kingdoms declared war on one another, only content with the other’s complete destruction!”

The crowd gasped and several ponies leaned forward in their seats or looked to one another in shock and awe.

“But why!?” I asked them all, pleading to them as if I were pleading for my very own life. “That, my friends, is what The Muffin Man asked that day. How are they so different? How do they live apart when they are meant to be together?” I pressed my fore hooves together and closed my eyes. “The muffin man alone knew this truth. But more importantly, he knew the war could be stopped, and much bloodshed prevented, if he could only share this truth!”

I glanced behind me, if only for a split second, to see if Princess Luna was still discontented with my telling of this great legend. However, from her quickly reddening face, it was quite obvious she wasn’t enjoying herself.

I decided to cut the story a little short, to save the moon princess some discomfort. “By the time The Muffin Man knew of the war, some said it was already too late to stop it. But he wasn’t one to give up, not now, not ever! And when the armies marched from their gates, taking all their hatred and bigotry with them, The Muffin Man marched from his own gate, taking with him a cart full to the brim of his secret weapon.” I glanced over the crowd, wide-eyed and amazed with my own words. “He brought with him, a joining of the two kingdoms! He brought with him wheat, oats and salt! He brought with him milk, eggs and butter! But none of this was left in its raw form, as one might have expected. No! These things were put together, combined into one all-powerful thing! For the whole is greater than the sum of its parts and only through these glorious items in the back of his cart did he know how to show them!”

The crowd leaned even further forward in their seats, so far in fact I thought they would fall to the floor. But as engrossed as they all were, they wouldn’t even have noticed if they fell… Well, except maybe for Luna. Luna would have noticed. Luna definitely would have noticed. And she probably would have been angry about it too!

“But though he had his secret, he did not have his time. For when The Muffin Man arrived, the war had already begun, the ponies were already fighting, and indeed, they were dying…” I wiped away a single tear, shed for the lost souls of a pointless war. “It was dark and terrible to witness all the bloodshed, but The Muffin Man was a true knight and a banisher of the darkness! He did what was right. He did what was just. He did what only a hero could do! He strode into the middle of the fighting, pulling that wagon on his back and dodging the arrows and the magic and the hate and loathing that flew this way and that!”

I could actually hear the grinding of Luna’s teeth now. That and the tapping of her hoof against the stage forced me to quicken my pace, if only by a smidgen, as this story still deserved a proper telling, no matter how many disliked its message or its voice.

“Only when he reached the very center of the fighting, with his shoulder pierced by an arrow and his leg nearly slashed to pieces, did he finally stop!” I was shouting now. “And when he stopped, he mustered everything that was left of him and cried out these very words: ‘Your fighting ends now!’”

The noble ponies gasped again. Every eye was on me, unblinking, unmoving. Even Luna was watching carefully!

“And when he loosed those words, the fighting that had grown from differences, ended from commonalities. For those ponies, though they may not have entirely understood why, stopped completely! They didn’t know this pony that stood before them with his battered wagon and his broken body, but they all understood one thing.” I watched the crowd carefully. “If this pony was so committed and so noble and so determined that he would kill himself to get here, in the middle of a war that he had no part in starting and no part in ending, then his words were worth listening to, even if it was only for a second.

“Knowing this, the muffin man made his words count. He said to them the one thing that would change their hearts, the one thing that would stop their swords and their arrows from flying at each other’s throats. In the perfect silence, he said this: ‘What you seek, you will not find! What you want, you do not deserve! What you think is so different, is actually the same! You point your sword, where you should be pointing your hearts! The world is only as different as you make it out to be and the differences that do exist are things that should be treasured, not thrown to the dogs!’ And when he said this, even he did not expect what would follow. It was not anger or sadness or even happiness and understanding, as he had wanted, but instead, what followed was only more silence. They knew he wasn’t done. They knew he had something else to say and so they listened.”

I paused for a moment. They were all so eager to hear the end. And, in my head, I felt like him right now. I felt like The Muffin Man, speaking to a crowd of ponies I did not know nor did I have any reason to fight for. And yet, I was here. I was here to stop the reign of terror the evil Twilight Sparkle had begun. And so, after I had finished the legend of The Muffin Man, I knew it was time to end another legend, a legend of my very own creation.

“Perhaps he knew it, perhaps he didn’t,” I said with grave tone, “but the next words The Muffin Man would speak would be his last. For his wounds were deep and his strength was gone. But that did not stop him from committing those words to something he truly believed in. He told the crowd this: ‘I have here before you a pact! A joining! I have peace, for you, your family, your neighbour, your king… I have peace and all you need to do is take it from me! Do not end what you have yet to experience. For if you do, you will never know what it was that you have lost!’”

Some ponies in the crowd had to wipe the tears from their eyes. And it was then, that I knew I had done The Muffin Man the service that he deserved.

“And after that, he was no more.” I said, tears starting to form in my eyes. “The Muffin Man fell, never to rise again. But when he fell, the most remarkable thing happened. Every single pony there, regardless of the kingdom they came from, dropped their swords and their bows and their weapons, and rushed to help him. And though The Muffin Man did not survive the day, no matter what they tried to do, his wagon and its contents lived on.” I looked out into the crowd, no longer seeing the individual ponies inside it, but the union they were all a part of. “The things he left them were called ‘muffins’. They were everything the ponies of the two kingdoms could have ever hoped for, and yet, they realized they could only be made from all the ingredients they both possessed. And they realized what he had meant that day. They realized they could work together to make something better, something good. An everlasting recipe to peace and freedom, the muffin ended the terrible hatred between two kingdoms. The muffin ended what should have never begun.”

I closed my eyes for a minute, to let it all settle in. When I opened them again, I said, “And so ends the legend of the muffin man. His true name never spoken, but his legacy never forgotten. He brought together two vastly different things, and with them, formed peace and a nation we refer to today as only: Equestria!”

And as soon as the last word was spoken, every pony rose from their seats and the room erupted into a shower of praise, a roaring of voices, and a thundering of hooves. These ponies, however they chose to enjoy their night up until now, had found some common ground on which to share their happiness. And though I was held responsible for this deed, I only bowed my head before them, knowing I was unworthy of taking the praise from the pony that truly deserved it.

“NO!” Her voice was powerful beyond belief. It was like a windstorm, sweeping through the room and bringing everything else to an abrupt and forceful halt. “I’M TIRED OF THIS NONSENSE! I’m tired of talking like a proper princess while my sister makes a mockery of everything I stand for! I’m tired of trying to enjoy a night that I will obviously never be capable of enjoying!” The noble ponies in the crowd below did not seem to know quite how to react. “And most of all, I’m tired of you!” Princess Luna pointed an angry hoof in my direction.

The room was very quiet. Quiet enough that it was impossible to shrug off Luna’s antagonism. But that doesn’t mean a mare can’t try…

“Me?” I asked innocently, taking one slow step backward.

“Yes! You!” Luna shrieked. “You’ve ruined everything! You’ve ruined the pleasant, pre-meal banter, the delicious food that followed, the interesting and insightful presentations… You’ve even ruined my sister!” Without turning her hateful gaze away from my direction, she pointed at Celestia. “Look at her!” Celestia smiled ignorantly and waved back. “She’s broken!”

Acting as if all the eyes in the room weren’t looking at her right now, Celestia took a massive swig from the bottle of whiskey and swallowed hard.

“And what was that story you told just now!?” Luna shook her head. “THE MUFFIN MAN!? That was complete BULLSHIT!! It was a total lie! That never happened!”

Bah! I rolled my eyes. Really Luna? As if ‘Overdramatic Baking Tales from the Deep’ is just a book of complete lies! That’s probably about as likely as Twilight Sparkle being a friendly librarian and not an evil, tyrannical overlord!

“You’ve destroyed the entire night,” Luna accused, “and you’re not even supposed to be here! No matter what you or anypony else thinks, YOU ARE NOT-”

I knew it was rude, but I had to cut the princess off before she said another word. “ENOUGH!” I declared in my own authoritative voice, a voice that stole all the attention away from Luna’s complaints and frustrations. “Perhaps you are right, Princess Luna. Perhaps it is time to stop hiding in the shadows. Perhaps it is time to let everypony in on the secret I was hiding for so long.”

Right then and there, everything came to a standstill. The ponies did not move, did not speak, did not even breathe. Even the horrible nausea from that meat thing had finally stopped churning in my stomach like a disgruntled walrus. Luna herself merely watched with stunned exasperation and wonder as I threw off that amazing, beautiful starry violet hat and that less impressive stained tablecloth that was my cape and stood before the crowd of ponies with a very smug expression on my face.

Everything was finally going to end. Everything I worked so hard for. Everything I planned. If this whole journey was to be described as a charging train, full of inevitable events and roadblocks that constantly and consistently barred the way onward, then this was where that train was going. This was the end of the line. This was the destination. This was where I got off and went home.

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Author's Notes:

Oh yeah! See! We're really rolling along now! But in all honesty, it is as I said before, this chapter was done when the last one was published, so it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise that it's out already.

On another note, this marks the first time in sixteen months that I've written a chapter without any help from prereaders, editors. Yes, this is truly a landmark on the path to glory! This chapter will have, by no stretch of the imagination, the most spelling and grammar errors ever!

And on a very related note, I really could use a prereader. In all honesty, I'll take just about anyone, but I'd really like to find someone with a bit of experience in the field and who can also read 10 pages of text within a two day time frame. (Because, as you all know, I've only got about four or five days left to meet my goal...) So if you're at all interested in doing something like that, send me a pm and we'll work something out.

And for everyone else, thank you for reading! I hope you're looking forward to the last chapter as much as I am!

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Disclaimer: