Laid out by a bloody marshmallow, albeit a marshmallow that’s functionally immortal, and has super strength, and lightning breath, but a marshmallow nonetheless. Sure, I could say I fought at my best, but then I’d be lying, yeah, I got stepped on, literally, this marshmallow is all foot, stomach and sweet, gelatinous hell. A marvellous creation by the intrepid mad magician Mario, my mortal nemesis. Yeah, I, a commander in the god kings army, an earth knight of unparalleled skill, beaten by a quivering mass of gelatine and sugar that was crafted by a madman, isn’t that a shit. Still, all things considered, the death of any pride I may have had is arguably the least unusual thing that happened within the day. You see, as I write this, I am currently living inside a library, that is also a tree, that is home to a unicorn, that talks. Yeah, a talking unicorn. But onto our glorious story, a tale of ponies, aliens, lasers, guitar solos, asteroids, functionally immortal marshmallows and deus ex machina. Yes, apparently ponies and the magic of friendship have very weird effects on the world. I suppose I had it coming though.
Mario, my nemesis, had challenged me to a fight, a conflict on the old Plateau; I had expected another of his failure experiments, like the faceless man, dreadfully mighty, terrifying monster. The thing couldn’t see, smell or hear anything, and ended up suffocating because it couldn’t breathe. So I went, well aware of the Plateau and its mythology, of strangers from other worlds, of ancient and powerful magics, of foul smells wafting from below. I’m not superstitious, so I ignored the tales, as you do, I took up my sword, put on my finest armour (no harm in wanting to look good) and set off for the Plateau. The journey took me a day, and it was free, as you would expect, that’s typical of journeys to fight a nemesis. When I arrived I charged up a steep slope to the top of the Plateau, drew my sword and was promptly stepped on by the aforementioned functionally immortal gelatinous wad of sugary goodness. One day I’m the knight commander of the god kings army, the next I’m passing for a corpse on top of a plateau. Though needless to say, I wouldn’t be writing this if I were a corpse, and as such, I do believe it is time for our story to really begin.
“Oh…um….e-excuse me….a-are you alright?” the first thing I heard as I was coming to was a very soft voice, my response was a harsh grunt, which I regret terribly in retrospect. I rolled over, resisting the urge to wake up, and found myself face down in grass. I was less than pleased, and began rising slowly to my feet, like some sort of slow thing that rises to its feet, I’m terrible with similes. As if noticing my slow rise, the soft voice from before spoke again, far quieter, and sounding very nervous “Oh my, you’re hurt,” naturally I was inclined to look at the source of the voice.
“What….” That was all I could manage, standing before me was a yellow horse with a pink mane, with a very worried look on its face. Where I come from, horses do not talk, and so I was inclined to believe someone was attempting to fool me, but as a man of humour, I decided I would go with it, “Pray tell me horse, was it you that spoke those kindly words?” I chuckled with a smile
What happened next caused me to faint yet again, “Oh yes,” the horse replied with a smile, “and I’m glad you can talk too, maybe, you can tell me what you are and where you got that nasty bump on your head.” At about this point I blacked out, and it wasn’t until it was getting dark that I found myself laid out on a small bed with a bandage around my head. I was inside a small cottage, not entirely unlike the one my brother used to live in, strange boy, and the mysterious horse was nowhere in sight. Assuming it was just a dream, I sat up and looked around. I noticed a great deal of animals in the house. Rubbing the bruise, I smelled something delicious, “I made you some soup, so eat up okay?” that quiet voice again. I quickly slammed into the wall behind me in fear. What was this abomination?
“S-Stay back, demon!” I hollered, again, in retrospect I regret that, she was just nursing me back to health. “I shall not partake of your evil brew!!” All regrets I am nursing tenderly, in all honesty, how was I to know she was the first friend I’d make in this world?
“Oh, I-I’m sorry, I guess I startled you. I-I’ll just leave this here,” she said while gingerly placing the bowl on the table near my bed. I looked at her in fear, a talking horse of those colours, impossible, I believed I was going utterly mad. Mad or not though, I was being fed, and I had offended my host, who appeared to be harmless.
“No, no, it’s okay, I am merely not used to horses talking to me,” I mumbled, lifting the bowl of soup to my mouth. Taking a quick gulp, it was as if liquid happiness and joy flowed down my throat, and I finished the bowl in mere seconds. The pony looked at me in confusion, was it odd of me to say that horses do not talk to me?
“Ponies,” said the pony. I stared blankly, what did she mean? “O-oh, forgive my rudeness, m-my name is flutt…,” I didn’t catch it that time, in fact, I had to ask her four times before she stopped mumbling. “Fluttershy,” she finally managed to squeak out in her ridiculously quiet voice
I stretched a little, and heard my armor creak, which was odd, because it doesn’t normally, I looked up and saw the jointing was dry as a bone, it need oil….and a clean. “I don’t suppose you know any tailors, Fluttershy?” I asked, I quickly shook my head, “first things first however, my name is Jethan Aberricht, a knight in service of the god king, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance,” I smiled politely, as unnerved as I was by the fact the pony could talk, I grinned and bore it.
Fluttershy however, lit up at the mention of a tailor, “Oh my yes, I do, my friend Rarity is the most stylish pony in all Ponyville,” about this point I began wondering, are they all friendly, because I do not like nasty horses. “Oh I guess, if it’s okay with you we can,” I had completely missed what she was saying, so I just nodded. “yay,” that sound was the single saddest yay I had ever heard, and not emotionally so, but just…it was really damn quiet, you know, “I can’t wait for my friends to meet you.” Ah yes, her friends, one of whom I am living with, whose very quill is inking this tale. However, she does not become an important part of this story until much later.
I would certainly assume Fluttershy and I earned more than a few glances as we wondered through the town. Rarity, a remarkable beauty, even by human standards, runs a small boutique in town where she wiles away her free time experimenting with fashion, dare I say, she certainly understands the finer things in life, although her approach is sometimes….extreme, to say the least. A small bell rang as we traipsed through the door to the store, “Yes, who is it, I am quite busy at the moment and haven’t a moment to spare unless it is direly important.” Sophisticated sounding, it definitely made me curious as to who exactly was speaking.
“Rarity, it’s…um…it’s Fluttershy,” that same quiet voice, which I doubt Rarity heard, I was however, kind of worried that this tailor may not be able to cater to my needs, as the majority of her mannequins were horse-shaped.
“And she has brought a customer,” I said, half expecting to be shooed out by an old nag, what revealed itself however, was anything but. I would wager that Rarity is the sort of pony that young colts would fantasize about, and I must admit, I am an admirer, her pristine white coat and perfectly managed mane are an example to us all, human and pony, “Ah, good day madam,” I said smoothly, an obviously sophisticated pony such as her deserved to be treated as such, and I was not about to let my reputation as a true man of the court fail. Even if it were just for a pony.
“Oh, Fluttershy, I don’t have time to make your woodland friends clothing, I simply must complete this shipment of dresses.” Sophisticated, and I believe I should have mentioned, correct with her priorities, even if I am a knight of great importance. It was at this moment that something caught my eye. A small purple lizard had walked out of the back room of the store. However, as soon as I saw it, my knightly instincts kicked in.
I braced myself; I looked at the lizard, a dragon, a baby, but a dragon all the same. My eyes were filled with the flames of righteous fury. I was enraged beyond all decency. A dragon, alive, and here of all places? I had to be rid of it. I took a deep breath and focused, all my fury, and hate, and anger building into a furious tempest within my very core. Just as the tempest was about to burst out of me, I opened my mouth, and out flew unparalleled power, “FUS RO DAH!!” of course I immediately regretted it, I had inadvertently launched Rarity through a wall, and practically demolished her back room, cloth was scattered all around, and the dragon had passed clean out the back wall, skidded along the road, and collided with an apple stall, I paid said stall no mind, however, at the time I was not aware that the stall was the business of my workout partner, and had I been aware, I would have been very afraid. Of course, I was anyway, Rarity had stood, and had transfixed me with a glare that would have melted lead. “Oh, god king help me,” was all I managed to choke before I was set upon by a hellish nightmare that ws both beautiful, and terrifying.
“How dare you, you come here with dear sweet Fluttershy, expecting me to dress you, then you not only yell in my store, but you destroy my stock of fabrics, and launch little spikey wikey out into the street, why, I have a mind to throw you back into the forest where you belong,” she snarled, although snarled isn’t the word I am looking for, it will do. Needless to say that, by this point, I was quivering in fear of this mare. It was at this point that I heard the doors to the boutique slam open, and a very odd accent saved me.
“Now what in tarnation are ya doin’ Rarity?” besides a certain unicorn that I met that evening, this pony was by far the cutest thing I had seen, and that was saying a considerable amount considering I had seen Fluttershy.
“N-Now now ladies, it was habit, i-instinct. My training as a knight,” I had struck a chord with both ponies with that one word, both Rarity, and the orange ponies eyes lit up.
“Now, you wouldn’t mean the hard workin, strong, loyal and honest sort of knight do ya?” The pony with a ponytail asked.
“The sort that sweeps maidens like myself off their hooves, and whisks them away to a life of luxury?” asked Rarity, her face beaming.
I was shocked, “I-I suppose so,” I said, quite out of sorts with this whole situation, I stood as Rarity stepped off me, and found my hand quickly seized between the hooves of the other pony.
“The names Applejack stranger, and I am always glad to meet new friends” she said, beaming at me. I simply stared for a good thirty to forty seconds before nodding like some dope. I had this awful nagging feeling that my time here in Ponyville was only going to get weirder.
