Just a silly idea that I thought I should share in honor of Halloween. Takes place just after chapter five.

Needless to say, this is utterly non-canon.

And no disrespect or insult is intended, only LOLs.

But for once, may I recommend the Gdoc version as the one to read? There's a format dependent joke I'm quite proud of, but simply couldn't get to work on FimFiction.

I skipped up the steps to the gate and beyond, pausing only a few moments to let my eyes adjust.

Yeah. I was really worried, alright…

The inside of the church was well kept... and kinda standard to be honest. Pews, a lectern, some stained glass…

Seen one church, you've seen them all in my opinion. There was a sharp smell in the air I didn't recognize though. One I felt I should, strangely enough... Weird, but what else is new? I decided to just ignore it for now.

Mom snarled at me in a motherly fashion, making a gesture at my hood. Oh, right. Heads uncovered.

I pushed it back with a deep sigh, because I knew this wouldn't end well. I took the opportunity to swivel my ears completely around and crack my neck.

If I was going to get a ton of problems from this, then at least I intended to feel comfy getting them.

I absently rubbed a itching hoof against the other, before walking into the church proper with my arms folded behind my back. Secretly hoping, this farce would soon be over...

But why was mom staring at me? “...What?” I asked, trying to ignore the strange acidic smell in the air.

Without a further word, she raised a shaking hand… and pointed at my hooves.

I looked down…

Only to see the stone under me hooves glowing white, as it was slowly melting at my touch. Flames were even licking up along my legs, and the hem of my robe had caught on fire.

I reacted quite rationally for the circumstances… which means I screamed like a banshee, flew out the door (both literally and figuratively) before stopping, dropping, and rolling across the disgusting asphalt.

“...Oh, for fucks sake. Can’t a gi- guy take a five minute bathroom break without something happening?” A irritated (If quite sexy sounding...) male voice said.

I raised my shaking head from the dusty parking lot I was laying on… only to have my heart catch in my throat as I saw the handsomest pegasus I’d ever seen…

Granted, the only other pegasus I’d seen, but I was a sucker for the mad science look he had going. The white pelted and gray maned stallion was sitting on a small cloud just above the roof I’d somehow missed, and was wearing nothing but a pair of flight goggles and a scowl.

I gave him an awkward smile and a wave, trying to ignore the tingling between my legs the idea of having him above me in a different angle gave me. “...Hi. I take it you’ve had the same revelation I did, and you are giving the noble demon gig a try?”

He snorted at me, before gliding down… but he did suddenly have a smile on, so bonus.

Then he completely unashamedly started checking me out. “...Wow. I must admit, I thought the show was exaggerating!”

I managed to mumble out a thank you, while my cheeks suddenly felt hotter th-

With a curse, i fought down my sudden appreciation for the male form, before getting on my haunches and checking my hooves.

“Don’t worry, it seems the divine is a good sport about things… The flames doesn't seem to do much other then scare the bejeezus out of you... and ruin the floor. Even if I don’t even want to know what this will do for our insurance premiums.” The he leered at me. “Although, you might want to invest in a bit of asbestos, if you intent to go to church again, if you follow.” Then he nodded at my undamaged, but now completely exposed lower half.

I was just about to eek and cover up… when I realized. What was the point? I just chuckled at him. “So, what’s your story?”

I jabbed a hoof towards the church. “My dad’s the preacher.” His ears perked up, and he listened towards the church before wincing. “My condolences, it seems he’s comforting your… Mom, from the sound of things?”

I winced myself. “...Yeah. Wanna guess why she dragged me here? Just a hint, it turned out to be accurate.”

The stallion winced again, before giving me a hoof to get onto my own. “...Ouch.”

I shrugged of the destroyed garment, before extending a hoof at him. “Fluttershy slash Anthony Weaver, a pleasure despite the circumstances.”

He took it, and gave me a firm shake. “Oh, another member of the rule sixty-three brigade, huh? Name’s Great Scott slash Gwendolyn Smith. Likewise…” He tilted his head for only a moment. “...Hey, wanna bang?”

I mock swooned. “Oh my, how romantic. How shall I ever say no?”

He shrugged still grinning at me, ending it with extending his wings in a way that made me start drooling. “Oh, a romantic, huh? Well, I don’t mind, but I don’t see much point in ‘staying pure for marriage,’ when holy ground catches fire under my hooves.” He gestured towards the church. “How about I glide in and tell dad I’m handling you, and we could go see what manner of restaurants around here don’t have a ‘No shoes, no shirt, no soul, no service.’ policy?”

I was just about to protest about priorities, when my stomach growled like a bear’s after hibernation. “...Fine, but you’re the one buying.”

“Tell you what? I think I can live with that if I get a shot at wooing you,“ He chuckled at my blush, before miming patting his pockets. “but give me a sec to get my wallet, kay? I seem to have left it in my pants.”

I was just about to chuckle nervously at the joke, deeply worried how mom would react…

When a pillar of fire burst forth, melting a deep gash in the asphalt.

“WHO DARES HARM MY DAUGHTER SLASH SON?”A voice bellowed forth from the flames… “PREPARE TO FACE THE FULL FURY OF THE LIGHTBRINGER!”

And my jaw fell to the freaking ground, as I recognized both the voice and the slightly pink shape blazing like a morning star at the center of the inferno.

The soft-pink colored flame crowned with a blaze all the colors of the rainbow, stepped forward with the asphalt bubbling around her hooves…

But Princess freaking Celestia, just got a huge grin on her face and her visage faded to… Well, as normaller a winged unicorn with northern lights on her head gets. She trotted forward, and pulled me into a tight hug I was too shocked to fight. “Our darling first born! We have waited long to finally see your true glory! How is your mother?”

I was… not sure how to respond. One one hand… Well, the freaking devil, in the shape of Princess Celestia.

...But on the other, she was so, so soft and warm, and there was something I’d always found comforting about the smell of sulphur that suddenly made a bit more sense…

I hesitatingly returned the firm, but gentle hug. “...She’s not taking the news well, but other then that…”

Celestia/Lucifer snorted. The small flames from her nostrils tickled enough to make me giggle. “Bha! I shall simply have to make her scream for her other Lord, for a month or two… again.”Celestia let out a giggle, while smiling a perverted grin. “They always seem to come around after the twentieth orgasm…”

I stuck my tongue out in a disgusted grimace. “Dude, too much info.”

She chuckled softly, before leaning in and giving me a soft kiss right over the horn. “...We have missed you, Fluttershy Skyfury. We shall not relinquish you as easily, this time…”

“...Er, I’m flattered, but what about my… other dad?” I blushingly took a step back, and dusted myself off. “...And why the My Little Pony look?”

Before… dad, could answer, a small cough was heard from the entrance of the church. I turned, and saw a short, dusky skinned man in a priest smock standing with my mom by the doors. Mom was shaking, but the man seemed… mostly bored, actually.

“I swear, if you claim the name Monica Smith, then I for one, fucking called it, and two, I will kick your your plot up between your ears for letting Gwendolyn go through this alone…” The man simply stated.

I gave a slow clap that was mostly ignored. The man had cajonas, I’d grant him that.

Scot had however darted up to his dad, and was furiously trying to drag him inside.

But Celestia just sat down on her haunches, one hoof cradling her chin and the other poking her temple lightly, as she was lost deep in thought. “Monica Smith, Monica Smith…”A light came in her eyes, as she lowered the hoof she had been prodding herself with. She extended it in front of her. It twisted oddly, and somehow, this made the sound of fingers snapping. “Ah, The-Forsaken-Twister-of-Flesh, She-Who-Whores-Envy, The Whore of Babylon or like I prefer, Cloud Kicker, was about as restrained and subtle as ever, then?”

The face of Father Smith darkened. “I found her with two dogs, one woman and a bucket of lard…”

“Ah, my condolences. She’s never been one for restraint, I’m afraid…”

Scot paled a bit… before looking a bit green. “My mom’s Cloud Kicker?”

“Yes…”

The stallion turned a bit greener, before unceremoniously starting to walk away. “Excuse me, but I need to go burn my computer and cry in the shower for awhile…”

“...Raincheck?” I asked.

“...Sure, but I don’t think I’m going to be capable of… getting it up, for awhile. Sorry.”

“Fair enough,” I said, before waving him off.

He waved back with an awkward smile, before taking to the sky and shakily flying off.

I suddenly felt a burning sensation in my neck.

I turned and looked at mom.

And Father Smith.

...And ‘dad.’

All of them looking incredulous at me.

“What? He’s cute.” I gave them a light glare. “Or am I supposed to become a nun just because the world’s gone cuckoo for coco-puffs. I think not.”

I stalked up to the shocked looking so called ‘Lightbringer,’ and poked her hard in the stomach. “And you own me and mom and dad and my brother freaking explanations!”

“Oh, this?”she said, sweeping a hoof between herself and me.

“Yes!”

Celestia giggled softly. “Let’s just say, that Faust owed me a favor…”She rubbed her hooves together, grinning like a Saturday morning cartoon villain. “Pray tell, my darling foal, are you familiar with the prophecy about the Antichrist, The End Days and the return of Christ himself?”

“...Please tell me you are joking.”

I tried to ignore how mom began shaking.

“Oh, not at all… But…”

“...But?”

“The Antichrist is meant to be defeated by Jesus at the second coming, right?”

“To my knowledge…”

“Yes, and I saw no reason for a child. Now, imagine Jesus...”Her grin grew a few sizes more. “beating up everypony.”

My mind went blank, as I tried to imagine what diseased mind would think up a plan like that…

...Apparently my biological father.

The Devil.

...Fuck. My. Life.

Her wings flared, and she leaned back and laughed proudly… somehow not noticing the two facepalmings and my own facehoof going on at the same time.

“Is in not foolproof?” she continued, proud as a peacock at her own ‘brilliance.’ “Who will follow a man that puts Derpy in a headlock? Or that curbstomps Lyra? It is genius!”

“...I’m fairly certain the defeat is meant to be a bit less literal than that…” Father Smith said, but he was mostly ignored.

“And I’ve finally gotten an accurate view off hell published! Do you have any idea how much PR damage that hack Dante did?”Celestia continued, clearly ignoring everybody else. Her face did darken on the mention of Dante, though. “Freaking fan fiction writers... If there is a fouler crowd of imbeciles, I do not know them…”

I gave off a hiss, and my death glare finally made her snap out of it. “Oh, bugger…”She put on a awkward smile. “...But I’m certain your’s is good?”

I stopped… before grinning wickedly. “Well, then I’m sure you wont mind me reading you some, right?”

Celestia suddenly started sweating bullets. Mom just crossed herself, now actually smiling sweetly.

Father Smith just facepalmed. “That’s it. Screw this madness. My son needs me.” Then he stalked off, barely sparing a second glance at the nervous looking Devil.

My smile turned positively foul. “How about we start light… with some Goku slash Superman?”

For a moment, all was still… then Celestia’s eyes turned to tiny pinpricks, and she threw her head back and screamed. “Noooooooooooooooooo!”

One incredibly awkward car ride and introduction later…

”’...and as the glow of Goku's super saiyan mode reflected of Superman’s pecks, the saiyan leaned forward, put his monkey tail around Kal-El’s waist, and said: “My love for you is... over nine thousand!”’”

Celestia’s eyes and ears twitched.

“‘”Pink kryptonite may have turned me gay again, Goku…” The Man of Tomorrow said, his eyes wild with lust. “...But it was you that lit this raging fire in my heart… and my loins.”’”

Celestia let out a soft whimper.

“‘Then they kissed, they banged… and lived happily ever after. The End. Then they banged some more.’” With a sigh, I put away my first work.

Don’t get me wrong, I knew how much it utterly sucked… but the way people run away screaming anytime I read it? Priceless.

I ignored the glassy eyed Celestia muttering something about: “...Not even while bound in the deepest pit, did I suffer so…”

I gave her my sweetest smile. “Wanna hear one more? The next one has Robocop slash Jareth the Goblin King in it!”

Celestia fought back a whimper, as I smiling sweetly reached for the next stack of papers… then she surprised me. She forced a smile on, and said: “...For you, yes.”

Then she bit the inside of her lip, as she tried not to scream.

...And from all stories I had heard, the Master of Lies tells none, because they are too easy...

I leaned over the other way over the bed, and gave her a hug.

“Love you, dad. Thanks for listening to my crappy story… and for finally being a part of my life.”

As i breathed deep the wonderful smell of brimstone, she hugged me back. I pretended not to notice the wetness that fell on my head, but I did.

“...It was no trouble…”She hesitated, but only for a moment. “...and I love you too.”

We just leaned against each other for awhile.

“...So, I take it I have five siblings I’ve never met, then?”

“...Yes.”

“Oh! Can’t wait…” I tapped the rock in my chest. “but what about this thing?”

“...What about it?”

“...Are you telling me, that this is literally kindness made manifest… and that you made it?”

She waved a hoof in the air in a dismissing fashion. “Oh, I have a entire road of the near useless things…”Then she leaned a bit further down and nuzzled me affectionately. “But I made sure to send the the six prettiest to my six prettiest!”

“Huh,” was my articulate reply…. but I admit, the compliment put a smile on my face. “...And they work just like in the show?”

“Yup!”

“...That doesn’t sound very… Eh, you know, evil.”

“Ah, but I am supposed to be evil by divine mandate… thus the vilest thing I can be... is good!”

...I decided, that that, was the dumbest thing I had ever heard… but I didn’t see any… Well, good, coming from me pointing that out, so I shut up.

We sat in content silence some more. I… knew, I should be disturbed by all this…

But I just felt so warm and safe under her wing and against her side. My smile just seemed to come easier and easier, the more the wonderful smell of her sank into the room, and this invigorating feeling near radiating from her seemed to warm my very bones…

“...If you're the Prince of Darkness… what rank does that give me?”

She raised an inquisitive eyebrow. “...And you ask this, why?”

“Because I hate paperwork, and I wonder how much of it I get to burn.” For a glorious moment, I saw mountains of forms and papers, all writhing in agony as I willed it!

A warm hoof patted me gently on the head. “...How about we leave the family pyromaniac streak to a another day, dear?”

I grumbled as my dreams of punishing bureaucracy itself turned to the boring type of ash, but I relented and switched subject. “...Hey, I’m feeling random. Wanna see if the others wants to play monopoly?”

“Some evils should not be trifled in even by demons, dear…”

I couldn’t decide if she was being serious or not, so I dropped it. “Fine…” Then my stomach growled. “...but how about a not at all awkward dinner? I’m starving.”

She was just about to answer, when she tilted her head, as if hearing something only she could… then she winced. “Sorry, my little darling Archdemon of Kindness… but your sis Twilight set a field on fire. I need go put her out before something happens…”

“...She’s alright, right?” I asked nervously. “I mean, I hardly doubt the UN will send in a anti-magic brigade or something, but…”

Dad leaned forward, and kissed me just above my horn, in turn making me blush. Then she gave me a wink. “Please, like that would happen. And aren’t you forgetting something?”

Then just like that, without a whisper of power… she was gone.

Perhaps it was just me, but the room immediately felt… cooler, but not in a good way.

...It also felt lonelier.

With a sigh, I… heh, fluttered off the bed.

...Now what?

My cell I’d nabbed on the way to my room ,started playing the song I’d picked for an unknown caller.

The thought of perhaps literally damning a telemarketer cheered me up, so with a telekinetic jab I put the thing into speaker mode, stopping the dashing Professor Elemental mid “Horse!”

I jumped up on the bed again. “Yes? The Archdemon of Kindness speaking?”

“...Wow, took you long enough to accept that title,” a only half joking voice said.

A big smile came to me, as I recognized a certain roguish pegasus from earlier. “Hi, Scott!” I gave off a small snort. “Your one to talk, Mr. My-mom-is-the-dark-goddess-of-banging…”

“Actually, her domains are apparently knowledge, technology, porn and sex…” he sounded as if he wasn’t certain if he should be proud or disturbed. “...We… actually had a long talk. Dad had her number for emergencies and she popped out of the screen screaming just as I set fire to it... It was… nice, if a bit disturbing.”

My mind actually processed what I just had heard. “Wait a moment…”

Scott barked out a laugh. “Yeah… Mom’s the Archdemon of The Internet.”

“...Well, that explains the rule of first adopters, I guess…” I managed after a few awkward moments. “...And the cat thing?”

“Actually, mom just loves cats. I must admit, I didn’t think it relevant to the demon pony thing, but still… Explains much, doesn't it?”

“...And you got my number that way?”

“Oh, yeah. Mom knows everybody, everything, and everything about everybody.” Scott paused for a beat. “...Apparently, she’s a pretty big deal in He- In Eq- In you know where.”

I hesitated, but only for a moment. “Hey, does that offer of a date and being taken to cloud nine still apply? Todays bean crazy, and I would actually like if it ended on a high note…”

He managed to sound calm… but since the squeak nearly broke my phone’s speakers, he didn’t fool me. “I haven’t eaten yet. I’d love to…. but hey, watch this!”

I jerked back, as sparks started shooting out of my phone…

Then a certain gray maned pegasus just stuck his head out of the screen. He gave me a proud grin. “Mom shared some of the tricks of the family trades, if you follow…”

His hooves grabbed the sides of the screen, and he pulled it open like if it had been nothing but a tent entrance. With a jump, and a small flourish of his wings, he was soon standing by my bed.

My eyes drifted down, as I saw how he was standing ready, as well.

With a grin that made me start drooling, he stalked over… and kissed me where I least expected.

“…Oh, my!” was all I managed, as I quickly began feeling like the luckiest demon mare in the worlds!

Then they kissed, they banged and lived happily ever after…

The End.

Then they banged some more.

*Sniff.* I just love happy endings.

And just as a bonus, the optional theme song for this chapter may be found through this carefully crafted link.

Thanks for reading even my little slip of sanity.

Happy Halloween/Nightmare Night everybody!

Author's Note

A few things ended up on the cutting room floor.

They may be found here, for any that are curious.