This chapter is Not Safe For Wooona!

Meanwhile, in Kiel, Germany…

“God-dammit all, where is that stupid thing?” I muttered under my breath, while trying not to actually inhale any of the drifting clouds of dust.

I’d spent nearly an hour going through the dusty old attic, but alas, my query had proven elusive.

Just as I was about to give up, a fluttering of tiny wings darted directly for me. I couldn’t help but turn my neck and smile as a tiny weight nestled on my back just between my wings… even it it made them flutter a bit from the touch.

“Oh? Did I find a good spot?” my wife said in her new high-pitched voice, sounding utterly mischievous. He rubbed his tiny blue hooves along both borders were orange fur met equally orange feathers, turning my knees to jelly and making my involuntarily trust my rump in the air. “Ye~es!” he drawled in that gosh darned German accent that had made me pop the question all those years ago in the first place. I was just about to protest that this was hardly the time when he near jabbed his hooves into both my sides, making me let out a throaty moan that made me blush almost as much as trickle that had started flowing down the insides of my hips.

With quite the effort of will, I raised my head and gently shook him off.

Seab— Asta let out a giggle as he tumbled away and took to the air. “Come on! Those wings and that horn aren’t fooling anypony…” My cheeks near caught fire as he growled seductively at me. “...my sweet girl.”

I’d tried to ignore the leaf-green light now filling up the attic, and how my wings was near throbbing... but a certain perverted breezie was making it rather hard.

Something large, blue and pink landed on my nose; making my pupils turn into tiny pin-pricks as my eyes landed on something that also was rather hard at the moment. “Say…” Se- Asta growled suggestively as he near marched up my nose and gave me a peck straight between the eyes. “...if I took you up the nose, would that count as skullfucking?”

I snorted before blowing upwards, making my horndog of a wife fly away with a tiny “Ee~ek!”

“Come on!” he protested as he struggled free of an old cobweb. He gave me this adorable pout and crossed his fore-legs as he hoovered… well, at the ready. “We haven’t as much as petted since this mess started! Can’t I at least give you a horn-job?” The sultry look I was being given jumped from the megawatt range, all the way to jottawats. I swear I felt the air heat a bit from it… or perhaps that was just me. “I’ll even swal~low…” He poured on the accent as thickly as possible, while making this rather obscene humping motion mid-air that made my knees go wobbly. “Riding it like a stripper-pole, while smacking it and giving you dirty talk in German the way you like, you naughty girl!”

My mind betrayed me and I actually ended up picturing it. I swear my cheeks caught fire as a few green sparks fired from my horn.

I let out a groan and forced myself to sit down so I could bury my face in my hooves.

Something small but warm landed in my mane. I felt a bit better as Seabr- Astra started stroking the crown of my head. “Come on, Applejack. Face it, we’re probably stuck like this,” he said in a gentle voice. “I’m just trying to make my special somepony realize I don’t give a damn as long as we’re both together. You know that, right?”

“That’s not my name, Asta…” I muttered but my heart simply wasn’t in it. Any pretense I’d had that it was just a sick joke from sufficiently advanced aliens or whatever, had kind of just faded away as Honesty made manifest had slammed into existence inside my sternum a few hours ago. The orange and green gem was one thing, but how I’d started getting this certainties as soon as anybody spoke? Just seemed like it was far too much for any joke.

Abandoning any pretense of even trying to look human, I just sagged down onto my stomach and the dusty floor. I honestly wasn’t certain if I should growl or purr as Seabreez- Asta started rubbing me gently behind the ears.

“No offence, Prinzessin…” I murmured happily as he started literally massaging me behind my right ear, both from the gentle touch and hearing the old pet-name I’d gotten. It might have become more than a bit ironic and changed from Prinz thanks to this debacle, but it still made my heart flutter every time. “...but is this so bad?” He let out a tiny content sigh that made my pulse spike for a moment. “I realize it is a bit strange, but you would not believe how soft a throne your pretty new mane makes…”

I let out a neutral grunt. The tattered shreds of my masculinity hated to admit it, but damn did this body come with a upgrade in that department. It looked as if somebody had taken the gleam of gold, nicked a few stars from the heavens and somehow glued the mix to my head and butt.

Seabreeze moved to my left ear and started rubbing it down. A coo I couldn’t have stopped even if I wanted forced itself out of my throat as he continued. “How delightfully soft this this new pelt of yours is…”

“Was that some type of body-hair jab?” I murmured happily. “Because it kinda sounded like one…”

My breezie boyfriend leaned forward and gently gave me a love-bite on the ear, almost making me swat him off with it, but Seabreeze just dodged and laughed as the limb whooshed past him. “I didn’t say a word that I didn’t like the old one!”

I gave a snort, but at the same time I couldn’t quite stop a smile. “I wasn’t that hairy…”

We just laid there in the dust and silence for a bit. It was really, really nice, not only to have my lover just galloping up and down my back giving every bit that caught his eye a rubdown, but just the silence and being able to pretend things were normal for a few glorious moments. For an hour or so, we were just two lovers, distracted by each other while up in our attic.

No magic crap.

No circular philosophizing.

No existential dread.

No freaking worrying about pants…

Somewhere along it all I’d started smiling wide with my eyes closed as Seabreeze just buzzed about working the kinks out of my back.

Just a boy fussing over his girl, trying to cheer her up. As far as normalcy went, I think I rather liked it.

Felt darn peculiar to think of myself as the girl in that equation, but there’s only so long you can lay on your freaking teats and feel a cool draft over your marehood before you kinda have to wake up and smell the —Ha!— roses.

That, and perhaps it was the mental changes I’d felt and tried not to think about…

I felt my cheeks heat again as Seabreeze started doing his best to preen the wings I’d rather neglected for a while now.

...but the idea of being his Mrs. just didn’t sound so bad.

I had to grumble out a “Stop. Not there.” as Seabreeze started trying to give me a tail massage.

“...Why?” he asked in a puzzled voice.

I took a deep breath and tried to ignore the burning of my cheeks. “Because even the thought is making me wink and I’m not ready for that yet.”

“You sure?” Seabreeze asked gently, hooves just resting on the base of my tail but not rubbing. “Because I’m going to be honest, Prinzessin, you’ve never been quite this pretty in my eyes…”

Something warm and nice welled up in my chest…

Sadly, the same plus another damn wink and quite a bit of wet stickiness happened under my tail, rather severely freaking me out again.

With a sigh that sent a warm shiver down my spine Seabreeze took to the air. He hovered near my face on those pretty near silent wings of his before giving me a tiny peck on the cheek. I get a pet on the same spot as I blushed happily. “Take your time, Prinzessin…” Just as things actually started feeling a bit romantic again... I got another ogle from my little horndog. “...those hips are worthy of near any wait!”

I let out a hot snort and turned towards the old boxes and various detritus again. “How about you make yourself useful and help me look instead?”

“Sure, sure…” Seabreeze said neutrally as he flow over and lit his antenna, illuminating the corner of the room far better than my ratty old flashlight had. “So, why do you have dust up to your elbows?”

I took a deep breath. “Promise me that you wont laugh.”

Seabreeze landed on one of my old telescopes before giving me an odd look. I cringed slightly as his eye lit up and he patted his head with a grin. “Feeling a bit nude, are we, dear?”

I swear, I turned redder than my b- Big Mac for a moment before I mumbled out a simple yes with my face buried in my hooves.

The utterly perverted grin I saw when I dared to look up didn’t exactly help matters. “Never had a girl with only a hat on!” he said, hardly helping matters.

I gave of a snort and a single flap of my right wing, making the giggling perver fly off towards the very end of the attic. “I’m sorry, Prinzessin…” he said with a kind smile as he came drifting back, “...but you just look so utterly adorable with those freckles, and especially when you blush that I simply can’t help myself.”

I fluttered my eyelids at him half-jokingly. “Oh my Ritter… what is a poor princess to do with a dashing knight who thinks so little of decorum?”

My… well, I was rather certain he wanted to do something to my virtue at least, gave me a huge grin and rubbed his hooves together. “The dungeons, the chains and the riding crop?!”

I sighed, even if it was with a smile. “Good to know you’re still thinking with the same head as always, at least.”

My col— boyfriend flew over and settled on my head again. “How about this than, my fair Lady?”Until you find a headpiece worthy to rest upon your golden stresses I could valiantly serve the part?”

I aimed an eye up at the whisp of pink and the upside down smile I could barely see leaning down. “Have you been reading the dictionary and trying to write poetry again?”

I got another small love-bite on the ear for that one. “Oh please, you blush like a virgin seeing a cock for the first time if I so much as go ‘Roses are red...’ Admit it, Prinzessin, you love it and don’t even try pretending otherwise.”

Seabreeze yelped slightly as I reached up and grabbed him. I had to be a bit careful with his wings as I lifted him down to my chest, and to not give him a giant hickey were his face should have been with my kiss… but judging how he was soon near purring against me I’d gotten my message rather well across.

Still, certain things simply can’t be said enough. “Fine. I love you and your little poems,” I gave the grinning and dewy eyed breezie another peck, as well as a careful stroke on the chin. “Just give me a few more…” I hesitated and sucked in a breath. “...however long it will take for me to actually come to term with the whole mare thing.”

Seabreeze did his best to give me a hug, while resting his tiny head against the fur just above the Element I still didn’t quite know how to feel about. “I love you,” he simply said.

I felt a few tears fall. It had already been a bit too long for my taste. I’d nearly thrown up a few times just from going online and trying to read news and crap like that… but hearing words like that, and on some level knowing them to be true? So freaking worth all the other crap.

I held my love a bit closer. What more could I possibly do, to do something like that justice?

“Hey, wanna bang now?” Seabreeze asked in a chipper voice.

In answer, I bopped him on the back of his head. Had to admit that it made me smile, though.

I made my way down the ladder with my husband slash hat along for the ride, and headed for the kitchen.

Before long, I had something resembling breakfast sizzling away in a pan, while Seabreeze bussied himself with a jar of honey, a teaspoon and a grin so wide I had to bite my lip not to laugh at.

“You know?” Seabreeze said between licks of a long, hard object covered in honey I was trying not to think too much about. “I’ve figured something out.”

“Oh?” I flipped the slice of bread I was frying with a flick of my magic and the pan. “And that would be…?”

“I’m basically the breezie version of Chuck Norris.”

The pan crashed into the ceiling and spilled its melted butter all over my back. Aside from a nagging voice telling me it should have been a much larger issue than that, it just felt slightly warm as it started dripping down over my fur as I stared at my miniscule husband. “...Go on.” I said as the toast landed on my horn with a splurt.

Out of old habit, he started counting on a hoof as if he still had fingers. “I’ve got enough honey and syrup and sugar to feed an entire breezie city, and I got my greedy little hooves on it myself! I’ve owned cats. I’ve caught myself one of those hot-shot pony demi-goddesses and she turns into this adorable puddle if I as much as scratch her behind her adorable ears.” He wiggled a wing, and a wind somehow sprang forth from the tiny oven fan and ruffled my mane. “Heck, with the weather around her actually working the four winds are mine to command!”

I couldn’t help but chuckle as I pulled my cackling little megalomaniac over with my magic and gave him a peck. I carefully ruffled his pink rat’s nest of a mane with a hoof. “Glad to hear you're keeping things neatly centered and in perspective!”

Seabreeze eyed the toast stuck on me with a gleam in his eyes. “...You gonna eat that?” He gave me a wink and a tiny nudge. “If you know what I mean?”

“Really?” I deadpanned. “You want to nibble toast of my horn?”

Seabreeze just started nodding his head like a tiny hyper metronome.

My eyes drifted to one of the bottles of liquid honey on the counter. “Oh, fine,” I said as I floated it over. I swear, my horn-hound of a husband’s eyes near popped out as I started pouring the honey out all over my horn and the toast. “But only because I’m in need of a shower anyway, and you will owe me for this.”

With a squeal of joy so high-pitched even my new ears barely cough it, Seabreeze all but pounced my horn and started nibbling on its rather silly looking passenger.

I shook my head slowly as I started cleaning up.the mess up. It was a bit distracting having my tiny stallion crawling all over my head and making moaning noises as the bit of fried bread slowly went away, but this was hardly the first time I’d slobbered myself in honey to distract my beloved pervert with a sweet-maw, so I managed.

Naturally, just because of that, the dang doorbell rang.

Both me and Seabreeze froze on hearing that.

“...Probably just a door-to-door quak, right?” Seabreeze said while forcing himself away from the toast on my horn. “Nothing to worry about.”

My heart near jumped into my throat as I heard a key turn in the lock. There was only a few I’d given copies, so that… Oh God, no, not right now!

“I’m telling you, Harald!” a nasally woman’s voice I know far too well said, before the giantess of a woman all but stormed in with a tiny man with glasses and his nose in a thick book he didn’t even look up from. “It has to be drugs! Why else would our son write and tell us he’s turned in-”

I gave my mortified and staring mom, and as usually oblivious dad a half-hearted wave and a what might be the most awkward smile I’ve ever had on my lips. “...Hi, mom. Hi, dad. Fancy seeing you here in Germany.”

My dad actually lowered his book down far enough to give me and Seabreeze a once over with those mint-green eyes of his. His grey eyebrow rose slightly, before asking in his thick austrian accent. “...What’z ze mazz of ze planet Jupiter…”

“1,8986×10^27 kgs,” I mumbled out on mortified autopilot.

Dad raised a finger in triumph. “Aha, but I waz not zer finizhed! Ze planet Jupier’z moon Callizto!”

“1.075938×10^23 kgs,” I said, trying to ignore the feel of honey slowly dripping down my cheek before adding, “...Plus minus 0.000137.”

Dad gave me a smile that made my shoulders feel lighter by several tons, and a nod before diving headlong into his book again. “Very zer good! Glad to zer brain of my litte aztronomer iz ztill zer brightezt zstar of zem all.” He wiggled his thick mustache at me in a way that made my cheeks catch fire, before meaningfully patting his shiny, bald head without looking up. “You may wizh to invezt in zome more wearablez zen your honey and zer regurgitationz of Apis mellifera, however. People may, you know, perform zer ‘talk’ otherwize.”

Mom, who had been gaping like a fish and showing me her tonsils, finally had her eyes roll back and gently folded in two onto my floor.

Dad just rolled his eyes. “Meine Liebe, ztop with zat. Our zon haz juzt turned into zer winged unicorn. It’z iz zer not like zhe haz forgotten zer raida of Marz, or anything equally actually dreadful.”

“3 396,2 plus minus 0,1 km at the equator, 3 376,2 plus minus 0,1 km at the poles…” I answered, still not quite believing this was actually happening and running on autopilot.

Dad shot another proud smile my way, before gently poking mom in the side with his foot. “Meine Liebe, cut zer dramaticz already.” Dad waited a moment before giving another harder poke. “...Meine Liebe?”

Dad’s book landed with a hard twack after falling from his now slack fingers. He just stared slack jawed at mom for a moment. “My God! She actually fainted this time!”

It took me a moment to actually process what dad had just said. “WHAT?!” I shouted before rushing over as it finally clicked.

“Ich wusste es! Der verdammte Akzent war falsch!” Seabreeze mumbled triumphantly from atop my head, even if I ignored it as I levitated mom over to the living room couch.

Dad just snorted at him. “Ich habe nicht all die Jahre in der Schule verbracht um wie normale Leute zu sprechen!” he chided, but from the half-hearted chuckle he gave afterwards, and how his eyes didn’t leave mom his heart just wasn't in it.

I was just about to dart off to get the first-aid kit and the smelling salts, when mom started stirring. “Ugh… I had the most horrid dream!” she said with a hand to her forehead as she rose up.

She froze and went wide eyed at seeing me. i lifted a hoof and gave her a tiny wave and a waxen smile. “...Hi, mom.”

Without much fuzz, mom slumped back down again; out like a light.

I buried my head in both hooves. “Ugh… and the day was going so well.”

“...So,” Seabreeze asked in a careful voice, “I take it I’d get shouted at if I try to finish that toast?”

“Yes,” I growled while trying to ignore my dad’s giggles.

“Just checking.”

Author's Note

I'll just skip the "It lives! Muhahaha!" joke and move on.

So~o...

AJ slash Seabreeze.

Just me, or is that crack-paring a site first?

The original plan was for the, at the time, unnamed fiancee of AJ to end up a merepony, but then Ain't Easy Being Breezie aired and I just knew I needed to do this.

I just don't care if this is the thing that finally lends me in pony hell, this chapter was a hoot to write.

Edit* Thanks to FrozenSound for the fixed German!