The Conversion Bureau: Going Pony

Chapters

Day One: My Roommate Is An Asshole
Day Two: Shipping And Handling
Day Two: Last Chance To Feel
Day Three: Bring It On
Day Four: It Ain't No Thing
Day Four: Tickled Blue
Day Four: Schooled Lunch
Day Eight: The Shower Incident
Day Nine: Strawberries And Love
Day Nine: Dreams And Realities
Day Nine: The Sad Little Girl At The End Of The World
Day Ten: Every Night We Die, Every Day We Are Born
Day Eleven: Three Sizes That Day
Day Twelve: Daring Do And The Dangerous Miles
Day Thirteen: Every Dog Has Their Day
Day Zero: Pony, Going
Day One: The Best Lunch In Town
Day Eight: Old Friends Met For The First Time

Day One: My Roommate Is An Asshole

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GOING PONY

Day One: My Roommate Is An Asshole
By Sunshine Laughter

Alright, hello again. You're probably wondering why I'm whispering here, and why it's so dark. That's because it's night, and everyone is in bed. Well, except for me. Let me see if I can get this thing to work. Let's see. AHH! Shhh.... shhhh.... OK, I can't see right now, so... damn, that's bright.

I'm out on the big beanbag thing next to the couch in the main room, here, I'll try to shine the flashlight on it. I don't know what this is going to look like to you on your holoscreen, but hopefully you can see something. That's me, hey, my vision's coming back, good. I like my vision, it let's me see stuff. That's the beanbag thing - I don't think its actually filled with beans, though. Then again, with all the real food here, who the hell knows. Heh.

That would be a hell of a thing, wouldn't it? Maybe I'm sitting on a fortune in beans, right now. Can you imagine what this many beans, real beans, would sell for on the Blue Market? I could be set for life. Which, if what the government science geeks say is true, would be about two an'a half years, maybe three. Then Equestria gobbles up the earth. Yum yum! Om nom nom! Hee hee hee!

This is almost fun. I feel like I am livingroom camping. I kind of am, actually, because I don't feel like going back in there. There, here, I'll shine my light on it. Stick my tongue out. BLEAHHHH! Hey, here, I'll shine it on my tongue. BLEAHHH!!!! hee heh heh hee... That's for my dipshit roommate, Glow-Ree-UGH.

Gloria is kind of a jerk. Or else she's really angry or something. I don't know what her deal is. Excuse me a moment, this... this bag is kind of sagging.... ah... now I'm on the floor! How is this supposed to work, anyway? I'll put the light on the counter here and.... let's see if I can get this bag in some kind of shape. Let's see, it's kind of bulky. Noisy little thing, Jesus. Ok. There. I'm going to try to make a soft landing here, steady, ahhh. There. I'm down, no... man, that is scrunchy stuff in there.

Alright, sorry. I've never tried one of these before and it looked pretty cool, you know? I'll get the light... there. Ok, so, over there... that is my room. Contents: one jerk.

I tried to be nice, I really did. They showed me in right after dinner - oh, I have to tell you about dinner, later - and it was like 'Hello' and 'Hi' and 'My name is Sunshine, hi' and she was like 'Gloria. Hey.' and it seemed cool until Winterflake left us and then it was all 'This is my stuff, don't fuck with it.' And I was like 'Whaaa?'

After that it kinda went downhill. Gloria deus ex machina in extremis or whatever decided that she needed my side of the room because of some crap and we had to switch sides. Then, after that, she decided that the new side, my old side, wasn't 'defensible enough' or some shit and we had to switch back. I swear she is bitch queen of the Bitchlands of Crazytown or something.

Then she just sat and glared at me. I went to go get ready for bed, and when I came back, she just kept sitting there, with all her stuff wrapped around her, staring at me. Just staring, like she was waiting for me to axe-murder her or something. For her stuff.

I couldn't sleep with that. I mean, could you? No way! So I decided I'd come out here. It's cool, apparently, as long as I don't make too much noise, and that's why I'm whispering right now. I wish I'd brought my blanket. I don't want to go back in there to get it though. Damn. And I was feeling so happy after dinner, too.

I'll tell you about dinner, then.

We had a another holoprogram after the 'Parts of the Body' thing or whatever it was, it was kind of an introduction to Equestria. Sort of like one of those specials you see on it, but lots more stuff. There's this weird forest where everything works like it does on Earth, or at least how Earth used to work, long ago. It's dangerous and crap. And there are other things in Equestria besides ponies. Dragons, if you can believe it, and these troll-like dog things and big pony-lion-I don't know what creatures called Griffiths or something. Basically, it's a zoo, only with real live animals, and not just robots and holograms.

I guess they aren't exactly animals, either - they are the people there. All the people in Equestria are, like animals. Intelligent animals. It's actually pretty cool. I hadn't thought about that in that way. Wow. I'm gonna go live in a land of talking animals. I'm gonna BE a talking animal. Wow. Double wow. I guess that really hadn't completely sunk in yet.

Anyways, dinner. So I finally met up with Daniel again - he's that guy I met from lunch, if you remember - and we decided to eat together again. It's kind of weird. The ponies are like total friends with each other the minute they come out of that room, right, but all us skin apes, we barely talk to each other. I mean, some people are here with their friends or family or whatever, but they kind of stick to themselves. For us lone types, it's just habit not to talk to anyone. You know what it's like.

So, Dan and I pretty much just know us. And Samantha and Honeydrizzle, I guess. But they went to sit with the ponies at the low table, and so we didn't continue talking after the show. Maybe I made a bad impression or something. I have to admire Sam's guts though. She and Honeydrizzle just hit it off, and so she has an 'in' at the pony table. I wish she would have asked me to join them or something. I feel left out.

I mean I watched two whole holos with both of them. Least they could do is invite me to the darn pony table. I admit I kind of talked through the cartoon, but come on, CARTOON! What do they think we are, babies? Maybe that was it. Maybe you have to like stupid cartoons to sit at the pony table. It's a royal requirement or something. I wanted to sit at the pony table. Sulk. I'm sulking here. Sulk. Sulk.

Ah! Dinner. So Danny boy and I are sitting at the table, right, and I'm grumbling about not being invited to sit at the pony table and I stick this stuff in my mouth and WOW! I am telling you, I thought lunch was kick-ass, but I was kinda wrong, because this was hypernuclear!

Dinner was this pastry thing. They served it is squares, I don't know what it was called anymore, but it had a crust like you'd find on a pie, right? Only good. Better than good, because it was made of all real stuff again. It was flaky and tender and I just couldn't believe how yummy it was. Inside the crust was this vegetable stuff, all spicy and super tasty, and it had it's own gravy stuff that came out when I cut into it.

Everything is vegetables and fruit and grains, they don't even do pretend meat here. Ponies don't eat meat, and neither do we, We Who Salute You, We Who Are About To Pony! Hee hee!

So this vegetable pie or whatever was just total yum, and I've never had anything like it before in my life. Not even when my folks took me out for fancy on my birthday. And the pie just kept on coming, because they also gave us a slice of... you guessed it, PIE! It was like an all-pie dinner!

The other pie was fruit. Peaches, they said. Alright you have to hear this; I am no longer in the service of Lord Apple. I am sad to say that my dark fruity lord does not measure up. He just can't compete against Lady Peach Pie. I am totally lesbians for Peach Pie. I am not kidding here. If peach pie was another girl, I would change teams like that. I would be down on her lickity-split. Hee hee hee hah heh heh....

Sorry. Like funny and stuff. Anyway, peach pie is the best THE BEST. I worship at the sacred altar of peach pie. Drippy, sweet goodness, chewy soft little golden pillows of peach, and that crust. I thought the crust on the vegetable thing was good. No. When peaches are involved, everything bows in supplication.

Let me put it this way; if this is actually how I get to spend the rest of my life eating, then I don't care what they turn me into. Make me into one of those troll-dog things, I don't care. Just keep the pies coming and we're good. That is how much I liked my first REAL! peach pie. It's all REAAAALLLLL!!!!! Oooh.

Oh! I almost forgot! We got iced tea to drink. Ok, before you go Ewwww... you gotta know that's real too. Apparently there really is a plant or something that tea comes from. And... it's good. It's really, really good, especially with peach pie. It's my new favorite drink. Seriously.

So, I'm learning to like food, it seems. I hope it all still tastes as good once I'm eating it with a pony mouth and a pony tongue. The ponies seem to have different tastes, so I'm a little worried. They eat pies and they seem to like them and all, but they also eat hay. They eat grass and grassy.... stuff that's green. Uncooked. They just chow down on leaves and stems and stuff. I don't get it, but they seem to love it.

The weird part is, I saw this newfoal, just converted today, right, at the short table. And they were making a fuss over feeding the girl.... ma... mare. That's the word. Mare. Making a fuss over this mare eating pony food for the first time for dinner, and she was like 'Um, I'm not sure about this' and they were all 'Go on, your mouth is going to love you forever' and then she ate some of that hay stuff and it was like the sun had come out from behind the smog and danced for her.

She was this big, wide smile, and her eyes got all big and round and she was going down on that plate like it was her boyfriend or something. I tried a stem of it, later, and it tastes like ass. It tasted like packaging. Like chewing down on something you wrap stuff in. So that's why I am worried a little. Then again, if they still like pie, then - as far as I am concerned - it's all golden.

Ah... hang on, alright? I kinda have to use the little pony's room again. Downside of tea becoming my new favorite beverage. I have to pee like, all the time. It's insane. But worth it. I'll be back after I... let's see, where's the... OK, here it...

"Well, hello, there!

My name is Bob and this is my wife Sally. These are my kids, Billy and Susan. Today, I got fired, and you know what? I'm not worried in the slightest! Nope! How about you kids, are you worried? My wife sure isn't worried, are you honey?"

"Nope, I'm not worried in the least, Bob!"

"You know why we're not worried? Because there is a better job just waiting for me. I don't know what it is yet, but I have been assured by the best experts the world has to offer that I will like it. In fact, I'll love it better than anything I've ever done before. And I'll be able to provide for my family better than I ever could before."

"I can't wait Bob!"

"Nether can we! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!"

"That's because we're all going to Equestria. Why, that's where we're headed right now, right there, at the Conversion Bureau. There are Conversion Bureaus all over, and there is one near you right now. The Worldgovernment has even provided a settler's grubstake to every qualified twoper who was employed at any time within the past year. We're not just going to Equestria, we're going in style!"

"Yayyyy!!!!"

"That's right kids, because the Worldgovernment wants to encourage the best, and the brightest, to get ponified as soon as possible. If humanity is to make a showing in the new world, don't we all want our first step to be our best foot forward?"

Equestria. It's Just A Cup Away.

Brought to you by the Conversion Bureau Authority and the Ministry of Propaganda and Infotainment. This message has been approved by the World Government Authority.

Oh, hey. I'm back, and... I'm kind of still in the bathroom. This here is Millicent. Cool name, by the way. She was converted yesterday, before I arrived, and she's kind of got a problem. Her roommate's a fucktard too.

Oh, fuck, sorry! Oh, sorry again. Shit. I mean... uh.... muffins. Yeah, sorry. Ponies don't like swearing. I guess it represents some kind of threat or anger thing. Listen, I'll try to stick with 'Muffins' for now, OK? I don't mean anything with all of that... it's just what I got used to at home, you know?

"I did too, Sunshine. Everypony talked like that back in the favela. But now... it's weird. It's like I told you. When I hear words like that, it's kind of like being hit. I sort of feel like I need to duck or something. I don't mean to be a problem."

You're not a problem, Millie. It's me. I guess I need to learn new habits if I'm going to be a pony, huh? So, folks, I guess this is going to be an increasingly swearing-free info from now on. Millie and me have kind of become friends.

"I hope they will let us be roommates, Sunshine. I'd really like that."

Me too, Millie. Millicent came here with her... girlfriend, was it?

"Yes. We were best friends and... a little more. But she became really angry at me after I was converted. I guess it's the swearing thing. And the other stuff too. I guess it's all my fault."

No, no I don't think it is. Seriously. We talked about this.

See, Millie and her friend... ex-friend... used to be badasses in the favs... sorry... they were real.... mothermuffins... heh! I kind of like that! Ok, so they were real mothermuffins in the favela, and they got by pretty all right, for favela life. But Millie gets her pony on and suddenly it's uncivil war in their room. Millie wants to be all... pony... and her ex wants to keep on being tough and... those two things, as you have seen, don't go together.

I mentioned a while ago... I don't remember, maybe at lunch or something... that I had my reasons for being OK with becoming a pony. I'll tell you one of those now. See, my family, they're cool and everything, but... they can also be a little... rough around the edges? And on the holos, they show families, how they're supposed to be and everything. And... also, well...

Ok, remember how I had that big issue with the cartoon? I like... I like cartoons. Ok, I said it.

"Oh! I like cartoons too! Now, I mean. I didn't before, but now, I think they're really fun!"

Hee hee! I guess, I guess we can watch cartoons together then!

"I'd like that!"

Look at that smile! I hope I'll smile like that after I become a pony. Anyway, in the cartoons I.... like... everyone is very... sweet... to each other. I want that. I want that a lot. A... lot.

That's what I see in Equestria, and what I see in being a pony. I want to be like that. Even if it means changing my species.

"You are like that. I think you are kind of a pony already."

What? Don't be silly, Milly. Hee hee hee....

"Hee hee hee hee... Seriously though. I mean, you didn't leave. I was hiding in here, feeling bad. When you saw me crying, you didn't go away. You stayed with me. You're here now, aren't you? Even though it's late?"

Come on, Millicent. Anybody would do that. You were crying in a bathroom for fuuu.....muffin's sake. Who wouldn't stop and help?

"The two humans that came in before you."

You're kidding. You're not kidding. You have got to be kidding me. Unbefu...muffin-lievable. You're telling me that two people, two human beings, came into this bathroom and heard you crying and...

"Yes."

... I don't know what to say. I just don't know what to say. I'm sorry Milly. I guess... I guess we suck. Sorry about that. Well, for what it's worth, I'm glad I came in here, because I got to meet you. So, I guess things work out.

"I... I don't know what to do now."

"Well I sure don't want to go back to my room. I don't want to spend the night in this bathroom, either. Oh... DUH. Come on. I have the perfect answer. Uh, oh, jeez... my leg fell asleep. Ouch. Damn. Sorry. Is 'damn' OK? Can I get away with that one? Ah, Thanks. Ow, Ow, Ow.... there. I just need to get the feeling back first.

"That doesn't happen for me. I used to get leg cramps all the time sitting down. But it doesn't happen now, even when I fold my legs under me. Once you're converted, I'm sure it will be the same for you."

I hope so. Hey, I just realized, I haven't been worrying about whether this thing can pick up anyone's voice but mine. I hope that's the case, because paraphrasing was getting old. I... I guess I'll just assume it can pick up everything around me. Sorry, just worrying about this holocorder thing. Anyway, my leg's good enough now.

Let's go find a comfortable place on the couch or something, out in the main area. We can sleep there until tomorrow, and then, if you want, we can go demand a room together. Gloria and what's her face can room together - they're made for each other, and we can have some peace rooming with each other. If that's still OK with you?

"Yes. I meant it. I'd like to have you. For a room mate. I'd like to have you for a roommate."

Hee. Oh... Kay... then. That's settled. Here, let me get the flashlight working again, it's going to be dark once we get out of this bathroom. Here we go.

That's kind of neat. Your sound. The sound of your hooves. I never really listened to what that sounded like until now. I like the sound of hooves. It's kind of got a beat, kinda catchy. Ta-tromp ta-tromp, ta-tromp. Was it hard to walk, after you were converted?

"Not really. I was a little unsteady at first, but then the nurse told me something that just clicked and I found it easy to walk."

Care to share that with us? I bet a lot of people watching would really benefit from that. Providing anyone is even watching this at all, of course. I'm doing this pretty late. But then, I guess they'll probably edit all of this once the live feeds are done anyway. So, what's the great secret of walking, Millicent Pony?

"Parvati, she's the nurse practitioner here - she's really nice Sunshine, I think you'd really like her - she told me just to think that I was walking on my toes and fingers. That's it. Just pretend I was walking on my toes and fingers, like a really strong baby. And it worked. Just like that."

Huh. Well that sounds easy. I'll remember that, when my time comes. So there you have it everybody! Paradotty's secret of the...

"Paravati. It's a name from India I think. Paravati. She's nice."

Pair-rah-vah-tee, got it. Paravati's secret... um... secret of how to walk as a pony, and you heard it here first on... the Sunshine Report! With special guest reporter, Millicent! YAAAAYYYY!

"GODDAMMIT! WILL YOU KEEP A LID ON IT OUT THERE? SHIT, GO TO BED ALREADY!"

Sorry, sorry, we'll be quiet, sorry, my bad... muffin... hee hee... I kind of get carried away sometimes. I'm sorry Millicent. It's way past my sleepy-bye time and I kind of get goofy when I get tired. Well, that's a lie. I'm always goofy. Sorry about that.

"Hee hee... but I do feel bad we woke her up."

Yeah. Hey, maybe she was one of the hyuu-monz that ignored you in the bathroom. Maybe she deserved to be disturbed!

"Sunshine! That's mean!"

Alright... alright. I guess it kinda was. Hey, here, you want the couch or the beanbag thingie? Beanbag? I'd be careful with that thing, it's a monster! A real killer that... oh. Well. I guess for a pony it works really well. Damn. Muffin. I mean. Muffin. That looks pretty comfortable when you use it with the legs and the folding and everything. I'll take the couch.

"You can say 'damn'. I said that you could."

I know, it's just that, well, I don't like to see you jerk and hide your head like that. Wait, you didn't jerk. Can I try something? Damn. Dammy damn damn dammit. Huh. You aren't reacting at all, are you? What's up with...

"When you say it, you aren't saying it mean. You just say it. It isn't anger or an attack with you. The way you say it, even I can say it and not feel bad. Damn! See! It's funny!"

Wow. I'm teaching a pony how to swear. The corrupting influence of humanity is beyond imagination. I sincerely apologize for that. I feel like I just killed Bambi or something. Damn. I mean Muffin. Gah!

"No, it's alright. I guess it's the emotion we ponies react to. I wondered about that. My... old friend... she got mad at me for not being able to handle her swearing all the time. But I don't think it was the words at all. It was what was in her heart. It was how she said the words that made me... 'jerk' as you call it. That's what's changed in me. Huh. Or part of it. I don't deal well with... with..."

'Evil intent' is the words you're trying for there, I think. Man, I am cold. I need a blanket. 'Scuse me. I'm gonna go grab my blanket from my old room. Fuuuu.... Muffin Gloria. It's my blanket. I'll see if I can get one for you, too. I think there's a spare in there. Hang on, right back.

Let's see, Ok, blanket, over here must be HEY! GET THE FUCK OFF ME! AUGH! WHAT THE FLYING... HEY, OW, OUCH, STOP THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW. A knife? A fucking knife?

"Listen you little pissant, you come creeping into a room in the dark with a flashlight, you get what you deserve. You should be glad you still have a liver, you little shit! What the fuck are you doing in here?"

It's my room too, Gloria, last I checked. I'm here to get some blankets, so I can sleep on the couch, and be out of your hair altogether. You can have the room all to yourself. It's what you want, right? Let me go, let me take my damn blanket, and the fucking room is all yours. Forever. Well?

"Get your shit. Get your shit and go. And don't try that again or I WILL cut you."

Right, OW! God, bitch, what is your problem? OK, OK, I'm going. Wait, I need the spare on the shelf. It's for a friend. Come on, you don't need it! You can get another spare in the morning! Thanks. I'm leaving now. Sweet dreams. Yeah? Same to you.

Damn! Slam the door why don'cha? Oh, shhh. Gotta be quiet. Sorry, sorry. Hey, I'm back, didja miss me?

"It sounded scary. What happened in there?"

Nothing much, apparently. A knife to the throat, a threat on my life, her bad breath, the usual really. Hey, I got you a blanket. Here, let me put it over you. How's that?

"It's very nice. Thank you, Sunshine. You're very kind."

The weird kind, maybe. Alright, onto the couch with me. Oh, the flashlight! I'm gonna turn it off now, is that OK? Ahh... um, oh. Hey, I'm gonna turn it on again, so I can turn the 'corder off. I'm still learning the active surface thingie and.... no. that's not it. Wait. I'll get it. By the way, I wanted to mention th...

Day Two: Shipping And Handling

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GOING PONY

Day Two: Shipping And Handling
By Sunshine Laughter

...thing on. There! I am definitely getting the hang of this. Alright, hello everyone its...oh yeah... hello everypony, it's Sunshine and Millicent back and we are having one muffin of a breakfast here. As you can see, pancakes, yes they are real flour, real eggs, real everything here... and syrup. Here is something that will just fuse your implants: this syrup came out of a tree. I am not shi....muffin-ing you here. Out of a muffin tree. Trees apparently have syrup inside them, that's where it lives. How's that for amazing, huh?

"And it's really GOOD, too!"

Oh, man is it! Real syrup, real pancakes and this, this my friends is orange juice, and by that I do not mean that it is an orange colored liquid labeled orange, no, this also came out of a tree...

"Off of a tree. Oranges are fruit, remember?"

OFF of a tree, from a fruit, which is SQUEEZED right into a glass, and it is awesome, or would be, except that apparently it hurts my ulcer, so I can't have very much. See these? They are real tears, because I can't drink the real orange juice. Boo hoo hoo!

"When you are a pony, you will be able to drink all the orange juice you want, Sunshine!"

Rub it in, why don't ya. Boo hoo hoo hoo...

"I didn't mean it that way, Sunshine! I really didn..."

I know, I know... it's OK, Millie! You know, it's really hard to believe that you used to be some badmuffin terror of the favela, I have to say. Seriously, you were really like her? Oh, by the way, over there? Follow my finger. See that dark-haired girl with the fake leg? That's 'Razor', Millie's ex. Scary stuff, huh? You were like that?

"I don't like thinking about that now. Please don't... remind me?"

I'm sorry, I'm sorry Millie. God, I'm really doing well today, aren't I. Sorry. Hey, want the rest of my orange juice? I can't finish it all, you could have it if you want.

"Thank you, Sunshine. I like orange juice!"

It's that smile again. Man. I love that smile. It's almost worth giving you the rest of these pancakes but... nope! I gotta have some more of these... mmmm.... oh.... yes, I am getting used to this Conversion Bureau lifestyle, I have to say. Now these pancakes are all those adjectives they put on the box, only for honest real. Check this out. Light, fluffy, those little air-holes, the light brown color, and the taste, with the butter! Oh, the butter.... the butter... But enough of that.

Look where I am sitting! Low table? On a pillow? Surrounded by beautiful, beautiful ponies! I am sitting at the pony table, thanks to my best pal here, Millicent the pony. And you know what? It is just as nice and wonderful as I imagined. Everyon....everpony here is friends, they are all nice as can be, and we are having a fun time. Apparently I shouldn't have been afraid, according to Goldenrod over here - say hello Goldenrod!

"H-Hello? Who am I speaking to again?"

Humans, mostly. The Gov gave me this thing to tell the story of what conversion is like to the rest of the world. So, basically, I guess it's like a documentary on Bureau life, more or less. I've got an idea! Tell them about your conversion, what it was like, and what it's like for you now, being a pony!

"I'm... I'm not sure I could do that. I mean, how many people are watching?"

I haven't a clue. They never told me that. Hey, don't worry about that, just tell me. Just talk to me, tell me what you like and don't like about being a pony now, OK? So, what d'ya like about being a pony?

"Um... I... well, I like... I like having a tail."

That's interesting. I mean that's an interesting thing to choose as the first thing to say. What's cool about having a tail? Actually, I think tails are cool already, just looking at them I wish I had one, but... other than being pretty, what's a tail good for?

"It... it's kind of like pants, in a way. I mean, it covers your behind, you know? But it's also really fun to swish about, and I can swat things with it too. And... and it acts like a blanket, if you whip it over your flank, and I can sort of grab with it a little. Aquamarine and I actually held tails once, to see if we could do it. It was kind of like... like holding hands, sort of. And... well... it... "

What? I'm gonna have one myself soon, so I kind of need to know, you know?

"It just plain feels good. I'm serious. It's just really fun. And it feels good against the backs of my hocks and cannons. It just does. And when I whip it against my flanks sometimes. It... it just does."

Huh. Ok, Cool. I didn't know that. I'll have to try all of those things after I'm converted!

"I'd hold tails with you, Sunshine. If... if you wanted, I mean."

Hee! I'd love to, Millie. Millicent! What do you like about being a pony?

"Um... I haven't actually thought about it that much. I... just really like it."

But, well, why? If you had to name something, what... what would it be? The tail, like Goldenrod, or... I don't know, being pretty, or what?

"Sunshine!"

What?

"You said I was pretty!"

Well, you are. That's no secret. All ponies are really pretty. Even the boy ponies... the stallions. Equestrians are just a really handsome race.... but... of course... even, uh, there... you are really pretty just for you. Anyway, so tell me anything, something about what's fun about being a pony?

"Well, I like how I walk now."

You like how you walk? Why? In what way?

"I feel more stable. I feel like I can't trip, at least not easily. And I like the way my hooves go clippy-clop. And I know I could run really, really fast if I had the room. That's what I want to do, when we all get to Equestria. I want to run, really run, really, really fast."

Yeah. I can see that. Pony bodies look really strong and healthy. Powerful, too. And I like the sound of hooves as well. OK, great. Ummm... more pancake here, excuse me folks. Umm. MMM. Oh yeah. Um. Then, what... what would be something you don't like about being a pony? That's something I should hear about. Goldenrod?

"Something I don't like?"

Yeah, there must be something that isn't good, or as easy, or is a problem or whatever. It might be handy to know, before I become a pony.

"Well... you have to remember to keep your tail out of the way when... when you go, you know? And getting wet is no fun, because it takes forever for your coat to dry out..."

"Oh, yes Goldenrod, I know what you mean! I tried to take a shower in the evening after I was converted, and then I didn't know how to get dry, and I was afraid to ask for help. I did, eventually, and Sylvie came in and toweled me off, but even then I was still a little damp for like an hour after."

So what is the solution to dealing with being wet by yourself, then, Millie? Goldenrod?

"We need to help each other. It's hard for one pony, alone to do everything. We are meant to always help each other. Unless you are a unicorn, that's all you can do. So you shower with a friend, and then you can help towel each other off..."

"And comb each others manes and tails!"

"Oh yeah! That's a big one right there! You can't groom yourself at all, well maybe the tail..."

"Unless you are a unicorn!"

"Yeah, unless you are a unicorn. So, again you need to help each other for all kinds of things that..."

"Excuse me!"

Hello! Ah, a unicorn's perspective! So far it sounds like unicorns can do everything alone, is that the case? By the way, I'm Sunshine, this is Millie, and this is Goldenrod. Please join us!

"Thank you. Hi! I haven't chosen a proper name yet. I guess you can just call me Jan. Anyway, it isn't as easy being a unicorn as you imagine. I'm still using my mouth and hooves for lots of things. I've only just been able to lift anything with magic, and my control is terrible. But... even if I get really good with my horn someday, I can't see my own mane!"

"You could use a mirror."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess I could. OK, fair enough. But... doing everything on your own is lonely. Maybe I could brush my own tail and mane someday, or dry myself off with magic, but... I hope I don't have to. It's nicer to dry each other off, you know? And being groomed by another pony is much nicer than just doing it yourself. It isn't like just combing your hair as a human."

"YEAH! That's a point. As a human I'd just drag a comb across my head and be done with it. But as a pony..."

"No kidding... I LOVE having my mane brushed. Or... or nibbled."

"Oooh! Yes. Nothing better. It's not like having hair as a human at all. It's.... it's so..."

"Intimate. Hee hee hee!"

"Hee hee!

Well... I can see... I have a lot to learn, then. And I really feel left out here. Wow. OK, thank you, that was some really interesting stuff. Hey, Millicent, one thing I really want to know is....

WE INTERRUPT THIS INFOFEED WITH BREAKING NEWS * WE INTERRUPT THIS INFOFEED WITH BREAKING NEWS * WE INTERRUPT THIS INFOFEED WITH BREAKING NEWS * WE INTERRUPT THIS INFOFEED WITH

We bring you a special report by Dan Mathers, Corporate News Network, via airship outside of New Denver, Northamerizone.

What you are seeing is the edge of the Great Barrier of Equestria, demolishing the megapolis of New Denver. These live scenes of the collapse of the Rocky Mountain Arsenal Arcology, as it violently transforms into an Equestrian city nestled between hills and lakes show the extent of the damage caused by the steady expansion of the alien universe into our world.

Already almost 1500 miles in diameter, the Barrier shows no signs of stopping. Where once the proud ruins of the Arsenal Arcology stood, a magnificent tower of polycarbon, steel and plascrete, with its expanse of parking facilities and underground silos, now increasingly there is grass, thatched cottages, strange buildings and the largest infestation of trees this reporter has ever seen.

This once was the site of the nuclear interment center, now it is almost completely a large lake bordered by strange flowers and stalks. Where once the proud works of man stood testament to earlier days of wealth and commerce, now only silent, pointless meadows and acres of meaningless trees remain. It is truly a frightening sight, the history of both the rise and collapse of Denver being dissolved into strange, pastel greenery as the shimmering wall advances.

A recent recalculation of the expansion of Equestria by Worldgovernment scientists places ZP Day at 1,084 days from today, just barely over three years from this moment. ZP Day, the day when zero percent of the Earth as we know it remains, when the entirety of our planet is inevitably and horrifically absorbed into the advancing cosmos of Equestria. Unless some means can be found to stop this process, ZP Day must occur, and on that day, any human that has not been converted will have no place left to stand, much less run.

Earlier, we interviewed this corporate Science Advocate about the expansion of Equestria into our space.

"So, tell me, is there any way to stop this, this invasion of our sovereign planet by the cosmos of Equestria?"

"Well, Dan, the Worldgovernment Authority has put all of their resources into this very problem. We all remember the Three Days War, where every weapon on earth was used against the Barrier, to no effect. We've seen attempts by all the Zones to halt, repel, or destroy the Barrier, and we have seen all of the many efforts devised to combat the lethal effects of thaumatic radiation on human beings, again to no avail. It's not like we haven't tried, we have literally tried everything possible, and even a few impossible things too."

"Impossible things?"

"Bringing in the Druids, for example, World Prayer Week, not to mention the fiasco of the Wiccan Coalition For Earth's efforts. The fact is, and always has been, that our universe simply has nothing to combat thaumatic radiation with. We don't even know what it is, and there is no way to treat its effects on he body. What the Equestrians call 'magic' is, for all intents and purposes, just that, and we are dealing with a form of physics our universe has never encountered before."

"So where does that leave us?"

"It leaves us helpless, Dan. Completely, utterly helpless and at the mercy of forces beyond our understanding, and a realm possessing total dominion over our future. Fortunately, this alien domain is ruled by benevolent leaders, who have provided the human race a means of survival. Conversion, Dan. The bottom line here is that all human beings that can must be converted into Equestrian form if anything of our species is to survive this literally cosmic calamity."

"So it's a good thing the Worldgovernment is constantly building new Conversion Bureaus, then."

"Absolutely, Dan. It is truly a testament to the spirit of all Mankind and the vast wisdom of the Worldgovernment Authority that we have the Conversion Bureaus around what is left of our Earth. I cannot stress this enough: get converted. Get your family, your friends, and everyone you know converted as soon as possible. We have only one thousand, one hundred and thirty-three days left until ZP Day, and I can personally assure you, and all of your viewers, that there is no other solution available."

"What about space, what about the effort to revive the space program and move the population to Mars?"

"It was an interesting plan, and it might have worked for a very small number of people, but in the time left, and with the diminished resources still left upon our planet, it just would not be possible to send more than a small colony, and even then it was calculated that the chances of survival would be infinitesimal. If this had only happened half a century ago, things might have turned out differently, at least for an elite few. But for the vast bulk of humanity, even if space travel were still possible, conversion would still be the only hope for survival."

"So, when are you and your staff getting converted?"

"I am not at liberty to discuss this matter, Dan. We in the Worldgovernment remain in order to work on finding any alternative answer we possibly can, and to assist the teeming hordes of humanity in this dire situation. But when the time comes, you can be assured that we of the Worldgovernment will find our way to our proper destination. I can assure you of that with absolute confidence."

That was an interview recorded earlier this year that... wait, there is something going on, down below. As you can see in this enhanced view, a group of people are marching towards the Barrier! This is extraordinary! They appear to be... yes, they are Muslims For Christ... and a party from the Human Liberation Front. Look at them waving those banners! They seem to be marching straight for the Great Barrier, chanting something... no, no, they are singing. They are singing some kind of Islamochristian hymn, and oh, they are starting to stumble. I've seen that before, that's the effect of strong thaumatic radiation... oh, they are going down, they are just falling on the ground, some are shaking, some are writhing... they must have entered a zone of high thaumatic radiation.

Look, at that, folks, with HyperZoom technology from SamSonYota, what you are witnessing is thaumatic burns spreading across the exposed flesh of... this must be an intense field... the flesh is just melting here, I've never seen anything like this. Can we zoom in closer? That's exposed bone there, on what was, I think, a young man, probably a member of the HLF.

It was a brave attempt, but a futile one. I cannot imagine what these brave human souls thought they could accomplish, wait, wait, the banner reads "Horses Go To Hell". It seemed to be a protest, one that ended in tragedy, here in the vanishing remains of New Denver.

I'm Dan Mathers, and thank you for joining us for this special report. We return you now to your regularly scheduled infofeeds.

THIS HAS BEEN A BREAKING NEWS INTERRUPT WE RETURN NOW TO SCHEDULED INFOFEEDS * THIS HAS BEEN A BREAKING NEWS INTERRUPT WE RETURN NOW TO SCHEDULED INFOFEEDS * THIS HAS BEEN A

...There. Heya there. We're in classroom two now, and we're doing 'Basic Physical Skills For Equestrian Life'. Since it's so basic, it's a mixed class, so Millie and I get to be in the same place. And Goldenrod, Aquamarine and Jan the unicorn are here too. We're the Breakfast Pony Club all sitting here together. So, basically, I'm feeling pretty happy!

"Yay!"

Hee hee! So, you're all probably wondering why I've got a bowl between my wrists. If I'd bothered to pay attention yesterday, I would have learned that human wrists are equivalent to pony foreknees, and the first human finger joint is the same as the fetlock on an Equestrian. Ponies used their foreknees and fetlocks in much the same way as humans use their hands.

See, I can lift a bowl or a cup, or pretty much anything else, using the sides of my wrists. Ponies do this all the time. Now a pony could also use their fetlocks, which have even better control - like how Millicent is doing right now. See, she can hold her bowl right between her fetlocks and it kind of looks like a human using their hands, almost, with the hooves and everything.

Now I can't do that, because my fingers aren't strong enough, or else they aren't wide enough or something. All I know is it's hard. But I can hold my bowl with my wrists - what will soon be my foreknees - and that is considered fine too, among ponies. In fact, sometimes it's easier, because that grip brings the bowl, or whatever, closer to the mouth.

"Fetlocks are better though, Sunshine. There's these little hollows here that kind of grip the bowl, see?"

Hmmm... I guess so. It's just the way the bones are. Huh. Well, according to our instructor, Blueflower Glade here, the principle is the same, and practice now will help me later, after I am ponified. I'm getting kind of excited about being ponified, by the way. It's really nerve-wracking wondering when they are going to call me. Aqua says they usually don't do anypony before the third day. Usually. I almost wish they'd just get it over with, you know? Then again, this is just my second day.

OK, now we are all getting tea in our little bowls, and we're supposed to drink it without spilling, using our wrists... or for the ponies, their fetlocks or knees. Both, I guess. It looks like some of the humans can use the sides of their hands successfully... that guy over there just sipped his tea, and as you can see, that bowl is right at his knuckles, where his fetlocks will eventually be.

I'll give that a try, I guess. Easy, easy, almos.... oh.... MUFFIN!

"It's Ok, Sunshine. Here, I'll wave down Blueflower. Excuse me! Blueflower? We had an accident!"

Millie! Oh... oh boy. Now I feel really dumb. Hi, yeah. I kind of had a boo-boo. Sorry.

"It's perfectly fine. Now here's some more tea, try again. Nopony gets this the first time! Just try your best!"

Thank you, Blueflower. Sigh. Tell that to the guy over there. Oh god, he's grinning at me. Oh, yeah, show off! Fine. I can see. Oh, that's cute.

I will not be beaten by some grinning ninny with oversized gorilla hands. Let's see... I'll try this again, only... damn! Well, at least it didn't spill again, that's something. I just don't get how this is supposed to work. I can do it fine with my wrists, heck, it's easy with my wrists.

"Try between your knuckles, Sunshine. Right there. That's kind of like the hollow spot here, just before my hoof. See?"

Hmmm. Ok, yeah, I can kind of see that. It does kind of dip in slightly there, just before that place where the thing that your hoof grows out of is. Kind of like between my first two joints on my hands. If I could use my thumbs, it would be a snap. Alright.... I'm doing it! Hey, hey, look, I'm doing it, I'm doing it, I'm...

"Excuse me! Miss Blueflower? Over here again! She nearly did it this time!"

Oh, I just want to bury my head. Oh, man. Millie...

"What? She said it was OK! Nopony gets this the first time, remember?"

You did. That guy over there did. Oh, wait! Score! Heh... he dropped his cup too! Yay! Show off.

"Sunshine. That's not nice. He's just trying to do his best, even if he is showing off at you."

Augh. Ok, Ok. I'm sorry Millie. Try to be nice. Always wish everypony the best. It's still hard for me, Millie, I guess I'm still just a mean old ape. Sigh.

"Don't fret, Sunshine. You're very nice and not mean at all. It's just that you could be nicer still. And I know you will be!"

Yeah, as soon as I'm a pony too. Hey, hi again, Blueflower. I nearly did it. I guess I just got excited when it started to work.

"It's not as important that you succeed, as it is that you go through the motion of trying. This is designed to train your mind to accept using your limbs in new ways. Just keep trying! We have lots of tea, and lots of cloth to soak up the spills. There you go. Smile! You're doing fine!"

Thank you, Miss Blueflower. Wow. She's really nice, huh, Millie.

"Oh yes, I think she is a very nice teacher. I like her too."

Well here goes again. Wish me luck.

"Good luck, Sunshine!"

Hee. Alright, between the knuckles, pretend they're fetlocks, like yours. Up, easy, easy... hey, that does work better... alright, SLURRRRRP. Hah! I did it! I drank like a pony! Ok, Ok, put the bowl down, there, easy, there... YES! I am the pony-est! I am pony-tacular! I got my pony on! WHOO!

"Congratulations! Very good. Now try again."

Ok, Miss Blueflower. Hee. Go me.

You know, I wondered how ponies dealt with the lack of hands. Yeah, they use their teeth a lot, but they also use their hooves, and now I know they use the sides of their legs. Fetlocks and foreknees can grip and hold things, and here's something really cool. Millie, would you do the grabbing thing again? Here, let me empty my cup. SLUURRRP. There. Ahhh. Now, do that thing again?

Yeah, see that? I love that. Ponies can pinch some stuff between fetlock and hoof. The back of the hoof... it's kind of flat, and soft back there, and they can grip pretty good. She can hold that cup just there, tucked next to the back of her hoof, pressed against her... ankle, I guess. It's a solid grip too... look. I'm tugging pretty hard here.

"Hee hee!"

I bet a pony could hold a lot of things in there. Tools, handles, maybe even door handles. You know, it's kind of the same effect as me... well like this, where I can grip the cup with my fingers by pressing against my palm. No thumb needed. Same kind of thing. I have to say I am kind of amazed, there are a lot of ways a foreleg can be useful for holding stuff. I never knew.

Hey, Goldenrod, that's pretty cool. You can sip your tea, holding your cup that way, in your fetlock... grip. I don't know what to call it. That's really cool. Yeah.

Hey, can you... wow Millie, you can do it too! Well, I guess that's three separate grips a pony can use. Maybe not having hands really won't be such a big deal. Jan, that is so cool. Balancing your cup on your hoof. Awesome. You don't even need your horn, you can do stuff without it. That's great.

Apparently... we're getting other things to play with now. Various shapes and objects to practice holding and gripping. I'm pretty full of tea now anyway. Actually, too full. Miss Blueflower? Excuse me but... wait, one moment, I should turn this off and...

Day Two: Last Chance To Feel

Attention Citizen: This is a courtesy reminder of your world corporate obligations, provided free of charge. This nonmandatory Recommended Info binds you to mandatory data redistribution of one (1) copy to a secondary non-attached infosink within 24 hours. Penalties may be applied if this requirement is not met. Crosscheck reveals that you have still not complied with the mandatory data redistribution requirement. You have 12.11 hours remaining to avoid censure.

GOING PONY

Day Two: Last Chance To Feel
By Sunshine Laughter

"...fectly Ok. I don't mind. Nothing here matters anymore, if you think about it."

I've got the zoom working on this thing, as you can see. That brown spider there is my hand, and this is not a coppery carpet, it is a pony. Millicent is letting me... well, pet her, I suppose. Is that an OK way to put it?

"You worry way too much, Sunshine. Besides, it's nice!"

Alright then. Um, I wanted to feel what pony hair felt like, to my hands, you know? Before I didn't have any anymore. When I told Millie that, she let me pet her, and I have to say that pony fur... I mean hair... is different than I expected. It's really soft, for one thing, and kind of short. It lays so flat that I figured it would have to be kind of hard or rough or something, but it's actually sort of silky, like those silky sheets, only hair. It's hair, by the way and not fur. Apparently there is some big difference between the two, but I wasn't paying that much attention. Ponies have coats of hair, and it's smooth and soft.

And warm too. Um... Millicent... ah, I don't know how to put this, could I... could I smell you. Your coat, I mean. I understand completely if...

"Silly! Go ahead, give me a sniff if you want. But I get to sniff your hair in return. I'm curious."

Ah, alright. Sure. OK, here goes. Hmmmm. Snerrk. Snfff. Snert. Huh. Not what I expected at all. I had a pet rat once, big genegineered ratty. I loved little Whiskers. But she always smelled... clean, but kind of... animally, sort of. You don't. You smell... warm, alive, but... not that musky animal thing. Just kind of clean and... mostly you smell like shampoo. There's a 'I'm a living thing' smell, but it's not strong. It's pleasant, though.

"My turn! I get to smell your hair!"

Yeah, sure, why my hair though? Here... There you go.

"Well, I never knew anybody with hair like that before. Not personally. Not like how we are. And it looks neat. That's all."

You never had any black friends, then. That's what you're saying. Ok. I guess I got the nappy hair going on here, and it isn't like I haven't had to deal with that shit before. Now that's a thought. Once folks get ponified, they're all different colors of the rainbow. Blue and green and purple and whatnot... Earth-style race issues kind of go out the window. Ponies have races, or maybe breeds, I'm not sure what they call it, but there's unicorns and pegasai and earthponies, and nopony seems to care who hooks up with who. It just isn't even an issue. And hair, that goes from straight to tight and curly, but I haven't seen a pony with a natural, yet.

What's even stranger, from my perspective, is that ponies are all into grooming each other, which basically means that their version of a handshake is nibbling each others manes for a moment. So they are always getting up in each others hair, and that's kind of a sore point with me, or was. If you have natural hair, what my grams called 'nappy' hair, then people come up and... they up and touch it and ask the damnedest questions, like you weren't even a person or something. It gets to be a real issue, an anger issue. But now, going pony, I guess I'm going to have to learn to let that go.

There's just no way to tell what a newfoal was, before they got converted. I don't know how I feel about that. It's like all the shit I am used to fucking up my life is being stripped away. You'd think I'd be glad of that, and I am, but... it also kind of feels like being stripped naked, somehow. Millie seems to like my hair, at least from the contented sniffing and nibbling going on. And I don't seem offended. Which is weird.

So, what were you before you were a pony, Millicent? You white, or what?

"Some Vietnamese, some... French, I think. Eurozone meets Southasiazone. And a little Southamerizone in there too. It wasn't a big deal for me."

No way I could guess what you were from how you look now. I guess ponification erases race. I guess that makes sense; it erases being human altogether, and race is a human thing. I gotta say, though, I did wonder if the color you turn out had any connection to what you were before. But, from the conversions we saw today, I guess not.

I saw a sister, darker than me, go in before dinner, side note for all of you out there, and she came out yellow. Just this bright, bright yellow, with a pale white mane. Purple eyes. And I saw a white guy come out the color of space, with a mane to match. He could be a pony ninja. I guess it's one big random whirlwind of color or something.

I wonder what I'll end up looking like. I hope I'm green. Bright, shimmery green, like trees and grass. I could lay on the grass and be invisible and watch everypony. I'd be the invisible pony!

Hey! What are you doin to my hair, Millie? What the?

"Just feeling it. I have to use my mouth. My lips and tongue are my most sensitive parts. I'm grooming you. It's a pony thing!"

All...right. I guess I can go with that. You did let me pet you and all. But... OK, maybe that's not so bad, actually. It kind of feels nice, to tell the truth. Weird. But nice.

"See? It's even better as a pony. Way better!"

That's what you were saying at breakfast, as I remember. So, what do you think of my mane, Millie?

"It's unusual. Really tight curls. They feel neat against my tongue and my lips. I like it. I wish pony manes were like this. I wish you could keep it."

Keep my 'fro? Haven't seen a single pony with nappy hair. I'm going to miss it myself, to tell the truth. I'm really used to my hair. It's gonna be strange as Muffin to have long, straight, neon hair. But, new body, new hair. Heh. I'm gonna be walking around on hooves, no hands, face turned into a muzzle, ears on the top, tail swishing around behind my ass, and I'm worrying about my fool hair. It's weird the things you fuss over, preparing for such a big change, I gotta say.

So, it's night, my second night in the Bureau, and as you can see...wait. You can't see, because... there, I've zoomed out again, this is our room. Millie and I are roommates, we got that sorted out today. It wasn't as hard as I thought. We went in together and just explained things, and they took care of it. They don't really give a cookie about who rooms with who, as long as everypony's happy, so here we are. And I am really liking it.

"I am really glad to be roommates with you, too, Sunshine!"

Hee! We make a pretty good pair here, I figure. Razor and Gloria got stuck together, and I sorta wish I could see in there and sorta don't, inside I'm making bets as to whether one or both of them come out alive tomorrow. I'm picturing two snakes hissing at each other all night long, but that's just me. No? I guess Millie and me are agreed here.

Lunch was sammiches for me, which was fine and tasty enough. Lots of veggie goodness. I tried a bite of hay from Millie's bowl, and... not so good, to tell you the truth. Really pretty icky, I am sorry to say. Tasted like toasted ass. Hee! That got a smile. As you can see, something has kind of worked out between us; I can say things like that and Millie doesn't mind. I guess it is all how and why things get said with ponies, not what.

We saw Sam and Honeydrizzle again today. I kind of apologized for the 'cartoon incident', and we're all cool now. I've decided to just let my walls down, and it seems to be working. Which was good because we got a big long cartoon today for our first class.

It was all about the history of Equestria. Apparently, there was this super-being thing called 'Discord', at least that's the closest translation, that invaded their universe. Or maybe he came from there, they don't know for sure. But he changed everything and whatever existed before him was mostly lost. Discord could change reality, like a god. So for a long time, their universe was all chaos and everything changed all the time. It was like a constant Psychotropinol trip.

But somewhere in there, old Discord blew it by creating every possible thing, including his own end. He made two alicorns. That's the princesses, right? They have horns and wings and all kinds of powers. They were almost as powerful as Discord himself, and in the end defeated him. Then one of them had a sort of nervous breakdown, and she had to have a thousand year time out.

Apparently, the rulers of Equestria are immortal. Real deal, live forever immortal. So a thousand years is just a time out for them. How's that, huh? That's a stable governmental structure, I have to say. Anyway, the time-out princess, Luna, came back a while ago, and now she and her sister, Celestia, rule the place. Forever, I guess.

Anyway, during that thousand years, they had all these ages and periods and stuff, just like human history. They had troubles with dragons and griffons, and had to work out a peace pact thing. And then they had this middle ages like us, and a brief flirtation with technology. They started to have a kind of renaissance, almost went industrial, and then that got stopped. They chose to back off and stick to magic and being mostly all villages and farmlands. But there are still a few big, brick cities around from that era.

That's one way the ponies are smarter than us, I figure. Our world turned to... uh... total cinnamon swirl, because we didn't know how to decide when enough was enough. We humans always want more, better, newer, faster, just because. But ponies tried that, decided the smog sucked, and backed off so they could keep things paradise. Besides, they have magic and everything, so the technology we use isn't so big to them, plus it wrecks the environment. Magic apparently doesn't.

So, that was the cartoon before lunch, and I really liked it. Hear that? I liked it. I liked the cartoon, and I hope we get to see more.

"I'm very proud of you, Sunshine!"

That's my Millie. She keeps me honest. Oh, that smile. Damn. I mean Muffin. No, I know. It's alright. Anyway, after lunch, we went to separate classes.

"I went to earthpony class! We learned how to make things grow. All kinds of things, fruits, vegetables, flowers, even rocks!"

Now that's just plain weird, Millie. Rocks. They make rocks grow in Equestria. It's that different physics going on over there. Thamatic energy. You can kind of see why the ponies balked at an industrial revolution, they can make Muffin rocks grow. Tell 'em about the crystals. That's the cool bit.

"Well, they had me practice on this half of a geode. It's like a ball of rock, only hollow inside, and it has these crystals lining the interior. They're really pretty. They have them here, on earth, too. But apparently that sort of thing is really, really common in Equestria.

Anyway, I made the crystals grow, just like a plant does. And Samantha made a dandelion bloom! It was amazing. It made me feel like magic!"

Well, it is magic, Millie. You are magic. You can make stuff grow, that's pretty magic. Millie brought back one of the crystals to show me. Here it... here it is. Really nice, kinda purple color, and I like the banding down there. So how long was this when you started?

"It stopped right where the color changes. I did all the stuff after, all the purple stuff."

Did you choose it to be purple?

"No, it just kind of did that. All I did was make it grow."

'All I did was'.... Millie, Millicent.... All I did was freaking make rock grow outta nothin', that's all, no biggie, hey, do it every day, it ain't no thing, just the usual...

"Stop it! You're making fun of me!"

No, no, no I am not. I'm trying to get you to see just how extraordinary this is. I'm holding a hunk of rock, a gemstone, a beautiful, beautiful gemstone and you grew it. It didn't exist until you did... whatever it is you do to make it...

"I just sang to it and sort of sent love at it. Sort of."

You sang a rock into being. I would say that is a miracle on par with old religious dudes with big long beards and glowy heads, Millie. I mean, seriously. I can't do that. No human can do that. No human ever did that. But you did. You made stuff by... being nice to it, I guess. That is a heck of a thing, Millie. You can't just take that for granite.

"No... I guess I... hey! Did you? You said 'Granite!" Hee hee hee hee..."

Heh heh, heh... yeah, see, made you smile. That's all, Millie, I just want you to understand how incredibly cool I think this is.

So, Millie got to go learn how to make things grow, but me, still being a dirty, eeebil old ape monster, I got to go sit with the other damn dirty apes, and go through Social Orientation Class. They do it right up front, while you're still human, so that it is clear what is what.

Basically they teach you what the social norms for Equestria are, and what you will be expected to do, and not do, and what is right and what is wrong, and what is considered acceptable and normal there.

It all pretty much boils down to love and acceptance. I know you always hear Love and Tolerance, but that is not the deal. They don't want you to tolerate stuff in Equestria, they expect you to embrace it if you can, and accept it, period. So there is no fussing over who's got the bigger god, because there aren't any gods. Just Celestia and Luna, and if you have a problem with that, you can schedule a meeting to discuss it, pony to goddess. No fussing over who loves whom; they don't have any basis for thinking that being queer or straight is anything. It's all good, and it's all normal, and there is no if and or but about that in Equestria. They don't even have words for such things, because it ain't no thing at all.

I know that futzes with a lot of stuff you hear out there, me too. I was up to my neck in 'coltcuddlers' and 'fillyfoolers' and whatnot, from all the folks writing about what they thought was happening over there, and that's cool, but that's a human viewpoint. I'm here in the Bureau, and I just had a class taught by a native-born pony, and he made it real clear that none of our human prejudices and issues apply. It really is a different world, and they never had puritans or churches or any of that crap. They just had Celestia and being ponies, and they just do what comes natural, and that's all there is to it.

There's a little racism, between the three types of ponies, in that each one thinks they are the best. I'm not sure what to think of that. It's not like a unicorn, say, can't marry a pegasus or whatever. I guess its more like how any group always thinks it's the best, just because its a group. Mountain Pathfinder, our instructor, he made sure we understood that even this wasn't a big deal. And in the end, in anything important or meaningful, all the differences go away.

He talked about color; that too is something we're supposed to leave behind, along with politics, religion and war and stuff. Those things don't apply to Equestria. Well, war could, sort of, what with the dragons and the griffons and other creatures, but even then, ponies don't kill. They might buck you up some, but then they'd take you to a hospital and sit with you after, more or less.

Basically, what came across to me is just how alien the place is. Equestria isn't earth. The same rules do not apply. Physics is different, ponies are different, society is different, even the way they think about stuff is different. And they have this whole other history that is nothing like ours. It's easy to think we're really similar, because they have tables and we have tables and we both have houses and drink from cups and stuff like that. There is a lot of familiar-looking stuff over there.

But it isn't earth. And that was probably the biggest lesson I got out of today. Being a pony and living in Equestria means dropping a lot of baggage. You know how they say you can't bring anything with you from Earth into Equestria? They ain't kidding, folks. They don't just mean your holoset or your implants or whatever. They really mean all the human ape shit that you're draggin' around behind you all day. Sorry, Milllie.

So, dinner. Dinner was just wonderful.

"I really liked my dinner!"

Tell 'em what you had.

"I had Hay Almondine. It was baked hay, all crispy and golden, with this creamy sauce on it, and they also had these little green things in it..."

Capers. I think they said they were 'capers', whatever that is. I remember because it's a funny name. 'Caper'.

"Yes! Those were good. And we also had a big salad with candied nuts and fruits and fescue and alfalfa and lettuce and wheat grass and chard and... and well, lots of tasty things! Oh! Oh! And brownies!"

Oh, lord, the brownies. They had chewy, chocolatey, oozy-with-melted-YUM brownies. All real, all good, and.. this is the big one folks... the chocolate was real. Really, real. Chocolate is not extinct in Equestria, not at all. It's like eating something from the age of the dinosaurs, and it roared like a T-Rex. I know they say they've duplicated the structure of chocolate. They lie.

I have had the real thing, and the real thing really is... I don't have the words. Millie. I am misting up here.

"It's GOOD!"

Yes. It's good. No... no it isn't good, I think we can do better than that, I really do, it's...

"MUFFINTACULAR!!!"

Hee hee hee "hee hee" Hee hee!

Oh, that was fun. That's our new word, now. If something is really great, it is Muffin-tacular. Hee hee.

"Hee hah hee.."

Heh... well, we have our fun, here, in room... what is the number we are in now?

"Room 17"

Room 17. We have our fun here, and we had brownies tonight, and damn, damn, damn were they something.

"I wish we had some more."

Oh, Millie, I second that. I wish to... Luna - she's the night one, right? .... Luna, that we had more of those brownies. I would so gobble them, and I am not kidding, even though I am still full from dinner. Oh... as for me, hay doesn't work for humans so well, so I had a vegetarian lasagna made with... eggbush or something?

"Eggplant"

Eggplant and... other stuff. Anyway it was really good, and the sauce was... I'll just say again that it is worth it just to... hey! That reminds me! I've got some stuff to say, before I forget again. On my first day, I think, I said some crap about how Equestria is filled with apples and some Muffin. But that's not exactly right. Earthponies, like Millie here, make everything grow in Equestria, so without them, no apples or anything else.

Except for the wild areas. There are these scar zones or something... they mentioned them in the history class... scars left over from the battle with Discord, right? One is this big forest, and the normal laws of Equestria don't work in there. There are other places too, where that is the case. In the wild areas, things work more like here, on Earth, and stuff just grows. But it's often dangerous stuff, and it has it's own rules that come with it. So it isn't like you can just go grab something out of one of these weird areas and expect no consequences. They bring a little of their weirdness with them.

So, there is stuff that grows in Equestria without earthponies, but it is only in these damaged areas, and it's usually not safe. But they get a lot of their medicines and special magical materials from the weird zones, so it isn't like the things are unwanted. But for normal life, all the food, all the everything, has to come from hardworking earthponies.

The other thing I wanted to mention was about taste. I was worried about what being a pony would do to my sense of taste, if ponies love hay and alfalfa and grass and stuff like that, right? It apparently is not a problem. We tried each other's meals tonight, and while I hated Millie's food...

"Blaaaaaa..."

Don't you stick your tongue out at me, I can't help it if I got a monkey mouth right now! Anyway, I couldn't eat her stuff, but she could eat all of my food easy, and she liked it just as well. She loved the lasagna, and she probably loved the brownies even more than I did. See those big, huge, blue-green eyes over there? Imagine them rolling up under those coppery lids, with a big ol' tongue lollin' out, and her making 'O' noises right in the middle of the cafeteria like she just don't care...

"That isn't true! I didn't do that! I didn't"

Yeah, yeah, you tell 'em that. I believe you, we all believe you.

"I can still hear you, Sunshine. Big pony ears, remember?"

Damn, I can't hide anything from this one, I am telling you that she...

CRRRRUUUNNNNCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!! CRASH CLONG CLANG CLATTER-CLATTER SMASH!!!

You know, living here next to the collapsing ruins of this old arcology not only wakes me up in the middle of the night, but it constantly reminds me of how we, as a species, went wrong.

Greed, selfishness, the heedless wasting of our planet's precious resources, not to mention pollution, the death of the oceans, the extinction of most forms of life and of course the Great Collapse... it was like we were born to fail.

Some say we had a great run, and point to all the works of art, the great ruins of ancient civilizations, and all of our technological achievements. Splitting the atom, the first nanomachine, anagathic lifespan extenders. But even with all of that, just look, really look, at our world.

C-CCCRRRUNNNCHHHHHHHH!!!!! CLANG BANG BOOM!!!

It's pretty ugly, isn't it. Nineteen billion of us crammed onto a planet that can support a quarter of that, tops. Dead, burned landscapes of crumbling infrastructure. A two-percent employment rate. The only nature left is dandelions and mutated rats. Is this what being human means? Is being human really that wonderful?

We at the PER don't think so. We're Ponification for the Earth's Rebirth, and we ask you to please, please, get ponified today. The Earth can't take any more of humanity, and neither can we. Neither should you. It isn't a matter of choosing to accept Princess Celestia's generous salvation, it is our duty, to the planet, to each other, and to life itself, to become ponified.

Join us. Help us spread the word. Help us effect universal ponification for every man, woman, and child upon this earth. As humans, we are a plague upon the world. As ponies, we are united. Help save the world, help save yourselves and everyone you know. Get ponified today.

And when you do, send all of your wealth to the PER, to help with the Great Crusade, the crusade to save what little dignity we as a species have left: the dignity to know when it is time to make a new start.

So join us, we are the PER! Ponification for the Earth's Rebirth! And until you are ponified, show support in the streets by calling out proudly CRUSADE ME!

CRUSADE ME! CRUSADE ME! CRUSADE ME!

That's right, we're all PER, and we're all around you. We're in your business, we're in your favelas, were taking it to the streets and into your homes. Were the PER, and we're here on a great crusade to ponify the world!

[Ponification, in every nation
Fills me up, with a cup, of elation!

Ponification, I'll take my station,
Give me a cup, I'll drink it up,
I'll ponify!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9GEY0SE0c8)

This message has been brought to you by ANONYMOUS and the Ponification for the Earth's Rebirth. This message is not traceable to your person or to your device. All records of this message will be purged from your datahistory and from the Worldkarma Security records. If you wish to donate to the PER, transfer to the account 'CrusadeMeGrey' and the PER will take it from there through untraceable means. If you wish to be converted or you wish others to be converted, simply shout 'Crusade Me!' in any open location, and you will be contacted. We are everywhere. We are united. We cannot be stopped. We will Ponify the world.

...like this? Alright. Wait, you have a tangle. Hang on, that's one thing I know how to deal with. Let me get my pick. Alright, there. Now, see, I just hold the hair near the base, the pick... hey, my pick comb is perfect for pony tails. Let's see, this one is... there! I got it. All smooth and cas-casading and stuff. You've got an interesting color combination, I have to say. The bright red of your mane and tail go surprisingly well with the coppery coat. I'd call it copper, anyway. Kind of brown-red, sort of, only shiny. No, a little golden, too. Copper.

"You said you want to be green?"

Yeah, green is my favorite color. It's one of the reasons I like, immediately fell for Equestria, right? It's sooo green. Everywhere is green. Except the desert, but they usually don't show that. Green trees, green grass, green bushy... plants... it's really green. Even the sky sometimes looks slightly green. I guess because it isn't really a planet, exactly. It's a place. That's gonna be a little weird to get used to. I mean, all my life, all I know is I'm on a sphere, a ball hanging in space, and Equestria is some kind of paraboloid curve thingy in another cosmos.

"I thought it looked like half of an egg. Like the pointy half of an eggshell."

Yeah, yeah, I can see that. The princesses live at the apex, at the focus or whatever it's called on a parabola, and the exponential lands are everything going down. I guess as Equestria eats more of the Earth, it will end up looking more like a traffic cone. It's weird to imagine living on something like that. You'd think everypony would just fall off.

"Nopony falls off of the earth, and it's round like a ball."

Yeah but... that's.... I guess so. Equestria probably doesn't have gravity, like we know it, but it must have some... force, some new physics that keeps everything on the surface, just like gravity. I wonder what the sky is like! Now that's extra weird, don't you think? I mean, Earth, space, infinite universe, but Equestria, the sky is like... like a crystal dome or something. It's a light show put on by princess Luna. There's no space, beyond the atmosphere, because the air never ends, it just hits that dome.

Whoa. What is outside that dome? That is so trippy.

"Actually, I asked about that one already. Mountain told me. It's kind of weird."

Weird? I love weird, you gotta tell me this! So, what is outside that dome?

"Well, if I remember right, the dome is also the inside of the parabola that is the surface of Equestria itself. If you dig down far enough, you fall out of the sky, and if you were to start drilling through the sky, you would eventually pop up in Equestria. It wraps, you see, through a higher.... dimension. Through a higher space. That is how he put it."

No. Way. That is so awesome. Seriously, I understand this. That's kind of what they say about our universe, Earth's universe, or what they used to say, anyway. That if you traveled far enough in any direction out in space, eventually you would come back to where you started from the other side. It's like a game world that wraps in all directions, right? That was all Einstein and stuff. He called it 'Finite Yet Unbounded'. It's real sciencey stuff, seriously.

You know what this means?

"No, not really. Oh, could you do my forelock, too?"

Oh, sure. I'm sorry, I got all excited there for a mome. There. How do you get so many tangles with such straight hair? Mane. Whatever. Hang on....

"Ow!"

Sorry. It slipped. OK, there. Anyway, what it means is that our universe, Mundis, has that fact in common with the only other universe we've ever encountered, Equestria. They both wrap around in all directions. But our universe is like, balls in space, and their universe is... um... one big contiguous landscape. But both wrap in higher dimensions.

It makes me wonder, is that why Equestria collided or whatever with us? Like, are we sister universes, sort of the same, but just a little different? Was Equestria the universe next door? Do universes form like planets in groups, or...

"Ouch! Please pay attention? I know you're all excited about... stuff... but, my mane is, well it's attached. To me."

Oh. Oh man. Oh, I'm sorry. I've gone and made it worse. Here I will pay attention, solid, right? There, Ok, and I'm gonna hold here, right, and now I'll fix that.... there. See? All better. I am so sorry, Millicent. I just got carried away there with all the cosmic junk, right?

"Did you study cosmic... junk?"

Hee! No. Well, sort of. My dad, he... he works for the worldgovernment satellite division, right? All the communication satellites, and the spy satellites and the security satellites, all that stuff. And for a while we kind of had this 'space' thing going on, you know? And we'd watch science shows and science fiction and all sorts of things. But then he got busy, and... it just wasn't happening anymore.

"I'm sorry, Sunshine!"

Hey, no biggie. I know he loves me. He's just real busy with his work and all. But it was nice for a while, and... I guess I got a little of that bug in me or something. I kept on reading junk about space and stuff, and... I guess it made me feel like he'd kind of approve or something. Silly, I guess.

"No, I don't think it's silly at all. I think it's nice. I never knew my father, so I think you are lucky to have had that time with yours."

You never knew your father? Woah. Did he like skip out or something?

"No. He was shot leaving a barter station. It got raided by a gang, and he got caught in the crossfire. It happens. It happened right before I was born. But my mom carried on, you know. But she really loved him. I mean, she never got involved with anypony else."

Is your mom still around? Did she get ponified... no, probably not, right, because she'd be here with you, if that was the case, right?

"My... mother... is strong. But she is stubborn, and she... believes stuff that kind of makes being a pony not an option for her."

Wow. I didn't know that. So... I guess you don't share her beliefs, then. I mean, you're here and everything.

"No. We... disagreed on a lot of things. So I came here. I couldn't convince her to come with me. I wish... nevermind."

What, what do you wish? Maybe... maybe something can be...

"No. Nothing can be done. I guess, sometimes, I wish that one of those crazy ponification groups, you know the ponification terrorist guys? I... wish they would get her and she'd just be a pony, and then she'd be safe. I don't know science stuff as well as you do, but I can see what's happening. I want to live. I just wish... I just wish she did. Enough to give up her stupid beliefs in order to be there for me. To stay alive.

That's why I ended up with Razor, Sunshine. I... my mom just kind of drifted into her faith and left me behind. I just felt abandoned. But I'm strong when I have to be, so... so I joined up with Razor and, well, we took care of things. However we had to. We did some pretty bad stuff...

Anyway, I still miss my mother. I wish... well, I think you can understand Sunshine."

Yeah, yeah I do. I'm sorry, Millicent. I really am. Hey, maybe... maybe they will get her, and one day you'll see her again. Maybe she'll come looking for you in Equestria, after the Earth is gone and everything!

"Maybe. Thanks. Sunshine. For trying."

Um... yeah. Man. I wish I had another one of those brownies.

"Oh, me too! I wonder what they'll make tomorrow?"

I know, every day the food has just been... hey! I just realized!

"What?"

Tomorrow is day three for me! They don't usually ponify anyone until day three, right? Usually, anyway. So who knows? Maybe tomorrow I get to be a pony too! Wouldn't that be awesome?

"Yes! Oh, good luck, Sunshine! I hope they call you tomorrow!"

Maybe... maybe even in the morning. Oh, I am gonna have a hard time sleeping now. Maybe tomorrow morning, that would be soooo cool. God, oh god, oh god, that would be sooo awesome. Being with you, meeting Jan and Honeydrizzle and Goldenrod, and our teachers... I am not afraid of being a pony at all. You're all so nice, you still like pie, and now that you let me feel you up...

"SUNSHINE!"

Heh heh... just kidding... just kidding. But touching your coat and combing your mane has really helped me somehow. It... it's like it made it more real, more solid, and more... nice. When I feel your warmth, I know you're real, you're alive, you're... you, you know? I mean, ponies and everything. It's all so strange, so unreal. But you are happy, and you are a real... pony... person... and somehow, now, I am totally certain I will be alright. Better than alright. I want to be a pony now. Not just accept it as the price for a nice world full of nice people and stuff. I'm OK now with the actually being a pony part all by itself. If that makes any sense at all.

"It does, Sunshine. Sometimes something as simple as touch can make even scary things easier."

Yeah, yeah, I guess so. Thanks for that, Millie. Letting me paw you and all.

"Hee! It was my pleasure. Actually it kind of was. It was really nice having my mane and tail brushed."

Yeah, that's big with ponies, isn't it. I guess I'll find out. Maybe tomorrow. Oh, I hope tomorrow. Please, please, please...

"Calm down, Sunshine. Goodness. It will happen when it happens. They'll ponify you. It's not like they won't."

What if they run out of serum, or we get raided by one of those humanist groups or... no. No. I am not doing this. It will happen when it happens, and it will be fine. In the meantime, great food, great friends, and lots to learn. I just need to concentrate on that.

OK, you peeping hypernet toms, it's time for nite-nite. The Sunshine and Millie show is signing off. Peace, OUT.

Day Three: Bring It On

Attention Citizen: You have exceeded half of the remaining time provided to comply with the nonmandatory Recommended Info mandatory data redistribution requirement. Penalties may be applied if you do not fulfill the requirement of redistribution to one (1) secondary non-attached infosink. Crosscheck reveals that you have 10.45 hours remaining to avoid censure.

GOING PONY

Day Three: Bring It On
By Sunshine Laughter

"Oh yes, Sunshine and I had the most marvelous night. We groomed each other's manes, and she combed my tail and we talked about our lives and everything. It was really nice."

"What was it like, Millie, grooming a human? Does that even work? I don't remember caring about that sort of thing before."

"Well, I don't think is was as nice for her as it was for me, but... Sunshine? Maybe you should tell Jan about what it was like for you, I mean, you're the human viewpoint here."

Don't remind me. When are they going to CALL? Come on, it's the third day! Jeeze!

"What's up with her? Isn't she supposed to be playing reporter? She turned on that... thing, but she isn't saying anything. Well, except for going on about being converted."

"You're fussing again, aren't you Sunshine? She's been like this since last night, Jan. She could barely sleep, even after all the nice grooming. She's got it into her head that because it's day three, she'll be converted, and it's driving her nuts."

"Is she afraid? Is that it? It's OK, Sunshine, really. Conversion is easy and painless, and I've never regretted it even once!"

"No, no... that isn't the problem. Sunshine want's to be converted now. She wants it to be over and done with. That's what's eating her - she wants them to call her and she can't wait. She's like a foal waiting for a hearth's warming present."

Come on, come on... Hey, was that the loudspeaker? Did they call a name?

"No, Sunshine. If it was the loudspeaker, you would have known it. It's loud, remember? Come on, just settle down and eat your breakfast! Really tasty food, remember? It's waffles! With fruit! And you've barely touched them. Come on, there's a good pony, eat something, please? You'll feel better. Fussing won't make them call you any sooner, you know."

Alright, alright... Jesus, now you're my mom... or something. Sorry. It's just that... OK, let's try out the waffles. Hey, everypony, it's me. Sunshine here. I'm at the low table. Yay. Having waffles. Here they are. Gonna try some now. Mmm. Yum. They're really good. Made of real stuff. Hey, fruit. It's really good too. COME ON! CALL MY NAME! WHAT THE FLYING MUFFIN IS GOING ON HERE!

"SUNSHINE! Will you just calm down? Everypony is staring at you. Now shush! That's about enough of that. Goodness. Now you have that thing to do for the worldgovernment, right? Try again. You can do it."

No. No I can't. Not today. I never should have even bothered to turn this damn thing on. I can't even taste these waffles and I know they're probably good, Millie. It's just... I'm sitting at the pony table, with all of you, only I'm still a big, dumb ape monster and... oh sweet Celestia... oh...

"She's put her face in her food. She's laying her head in her food, Millie!"

"Sigh. I do not believe this one. Sunshine, you are getting whipped cream all over your face and mane, you realize that, don't you?"

I don't care. It'll all be fixed when I'm converted anyway. Conversion fixes everything. Hey! Maybe if I stab myself, they'll rush my conversion in order to save me! No knives. No knives? How do they expect to run a cafeteria with no knives? It's madness! Madness I tell you!

"Alright, silly filly. At least you made an attempt at humor. That was humor, right? Go clean yourself up, you look like a clown with all that whipped cream on you. Go on. Sunshine... you silly... just go. Hurry up."

CLUNK-CLA-CLONK

Ok, Ok. Hey, I'll leave the 'corder here, 'K? Keep the show going until I get back. Be back in a mome...

"Oh, great. Now I'm doing this, am I? Well, it doesn't look that hard. Hello, everypony! My name is Millie and this is Jan, and we're having breakfast. This is Pony Breakfast Club, or some of it, anyway... Goldenrod and Sam aren't here right now. They got up early, at least according to Honeydrizzle. Samantha's getting converted right now. I didn't want to even mention it, with Sunshine around."

"They're converting Sam? I didn't hear any announcement."

"The early morning conversions aren't announced. I thought you knew that. It's so they won't wake anypony up. They just come to your door, apparently, and get you up and go do it. Honeydrizzle told me about it, because she's Sam's roommate."

"I didn't know that. I guess that explains why they hang around together all the time. So how many conversions do they do in a day? I thought they only did three..."

"Oh, no Jan, that was years ago. Well at least a year or two ago. They stepped up the program. Now they bring in tankers filled with serum and fill up huge underground security tanks under the ground. I think they do dozens and dozens of conversions in a day."

"Why don't we see more ponies then? There should be more ponies... and more humans too in here. We should be crowded like a maglev station in here!"

"More than half of the conversions are pass-throughs. We're the odd balls now."

"Pass-throughs? I don't know that one."

"They ship humans in to that long building out back, the one with the benches outside?"

"I thought that was a transport station or something."

"It kind of is, but Jan, what they transport is group conversions, straight to Equestria. You go in all at once, get converted, then get into a trailer and it's straight to the edge of the barrier. It's all favela-folk. They just process them and ship them out by the truckload. What we're doing - the bureau, the food, the fourteen days of training, all of that is the rare thing now. It's for the elite, or the twopers with jobs, or those that have connections somehow."

"Wait, you lived in the favela, right Millie? How did you end up here then?"

"Well... my... my grandfather was... he was up there. My dad left the lesser elite to marry my mom. He kind of got disowned. That's why he got killed; he tried really hard, according to my mom, but he just never got the hang of favela life. He didn't know how to not be in the wrong place, you know? Anyway, my grandfather took an interest in me around the time my mother went all... religious... and, basically, he got me in here."

"Wait, couldn't Sunshine just go over to the long building and get converted straight away if she's so desperate?"

"Um... maybe. But then... if that happened, they'd just ship her out. And they say that if you lose track of each other in Equestria, you'll never meet again, because it keeps getting bigger over there as it eats the earth. And... well.."

"You like her, don't you?"

"Well, duh. Of course I do. And it isn't just that she was nice to me when Razor kicked me to the curb. She's fun, you know? She's kind of goofy, and kind of silly, but she can be really serious too. And she's way smart. Her dad was a space geek guy and she's studied all kinds of things only she won't admit how smart she is. But mostly... I just like her. She's... well she's nice."

"Does she know you like her? Does she like you back?"

"I... haven't said anything. We haven't done anything. Other than the grooming, and well... I don't want to get into that, what it means, so don't say anything, alright?"

"When she becomes a pony, she'll understand. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah... yeah, I know, I know. It's just... well, just in case she doesn't like me that way, at least, well, you know..."

"That's playing it a little close to the wire for my tastes, but... whatever."

"Jan, you have to understand. In the favela, you can't depend on anything, not like twopers probably can. You take what you can get when you can get it, you know? Because chances are it won't be there an hour later. That's just how life is."

"You should probably talk with her, seriously Millie. I mean, what if she doesn't even like mares? Then you're just... SHHHH. Here she is."

"Hi Sunshine! You're looking all better now! Yay!"

Yeah. It was hard to get all the cream out of my hair. And... my jumpsuit is all damp now. I guess I shouldn't have stuck my head in my food. HEY! Did they call my name? Was there any announcement?

"No, no, no. They didn't call anyone. I would have told you first thing, if they had!"

I... of course you would. I'm sorry. 'sides, I would've heard it in the bathroom anyway. Sorry. I'm just on edge, I guess. I wish there was some way to speed this up. I wish there was some way to just get it over with. It's like waiting on death row or something, the suspense is killing me.

What? What is it? You two keep looking at each other. Is there a way? What am I missing?

"Um... Millicent and I were just discussing...."

"Ah.... well... to tell the truth...."

"Samantha is being converted today. Isn't that right, Millicent? Sam got called in this morning. Apparently, they do these quiet calls right to your door in the early mornings. Who knew? I didn't until just a moment ago. I thought they always called out conversions on the loudspeakers..."

"And we didn't know how you would react to hearing that Sam went first, that's all, right Jan?"

"...Oh, absolutely. You've been having such a hard morning that, well, you understand, I'm sure, right?"

SAM GOT TO GO FIRST? But, she just got here! Isn't it like day two for her? What they flying... how come? Who did she blow to get to go second day? Who do I have to blow to...

"Sunshine! See? This is exactly what Jan meant. Now settle down. You'll get your turn. Why don't you finish your breakfast... well, around the squished bits, and..."

No. I'm not hungry anymore. Here...

SCRAPE. CLICK CLICK.

There. See, I've got my 'corder on, and I've got a plan. I know just what every viewer out there in holovision land wants to know, and that is how the hell they choose who gets to go next. I think that's a good thing to report on, don't you?

"Well, I guess. What are you..."

So it's time we found out. Want to come? I'm going to go have a little talk with the management about their conversion schedule. You can't accomplish anything in life sitting around on your buns wishing and hoping and waiting. You gotta go out and start asking questions, knocking on doors and doing stuff. So, if I want to get my ass ponified, then I need to go find out what I can do to achieve that. I'm tired of... Mmmfffm... mmmm.. hey, that really is a great waffle.

Eww, though. Ptew.... one of my hairs. Gack. Mmnnf. Mmm. Mmnn. Gulp. Oh, and a little juice too.... apple juice, right? Great, I can handle that. The orange juice burned something terrible, mlp, glp, mmm... AHHH! There. Oh. Man, that's good. Oh yeah. Ready to face the day! I've eaten hairy waffles and juice and I am on top of my game. Let's do this!

This is a paid, class 9 political statement. It has been judged subversive content allowable courtesy of the Tactics Division of the Propaganda And Infotainment Ministry. The contents of this message are in their entirety rejected by this infostream and by the Corporate Worldgovernment and those entities over which it has dominion. The content of this message is the sole responsibility of the purchasing entity and must be understood on those grounds. Failure to disconnect the contents of this message with this infostream or the Corporate Worldgovernment is a Capital Class Three offense punishable by up to and including death of personality and neurological reconstruction into an acceptable persona as described in section 4471 sub 325 of the World Authority Codex Of Freedom And Justice.

They look harmless. They are candy-colored and pretty. But like any poison, looks can be deceiving.

More and more they invade our cities, our land, and our lives. Like rats, they breed and spread, covering our world.

They claim to be our friends. Some claim to be us, 'magically transformed' into inhuman creatures. They can be convincing, knowing facts and details about our lives, our families, and our personal histories. Do not be fooled. These invaders are not us, and they are not transformed humans. They pretend to be those they replace, but make no mistake, no human being who enters a Conversion Bureau walks out alive again. What comes out is a sick and twisted parody of humanity, insulting both God and Man by its very existence.

We of the Human Liberation Front seek to save humanity from annihilation, for that is what we collectively face. We know that if we work together we can stop the invasion. We can stop the expansion of Equestria into our world. We can send these inhuman pretenders and deceivers back to the horrific realm from which they came.

We ask you to join us, to help take back our world, our culture, our very lives. We know how convincing they can be. We ask you to think. Why are they so adorable? Why are they so perfect? Why do they seem so kind? Why is Equestria so beautiful? It is all a trap. They prey on our weakness. Everything Equestria does is calculated to attack our natural desires, our innate sense of beauty, our very humanity itself. Not every demon comes in a guise of horror. The worst demons come appearing as angels.

These creatures are not ponies. They are invaders. They are alien monsters who are replacing good, decent human beings with copies. If you enter a Conversion Bureau, you will be scanned and dissected. One of their kind will be then have your memories transferred to it through alien technology, and that newly created invader will pretend to be you.

While they convince others that they are you, converted, the real you will become the meat that these nightmare monsters secretly eat. They are not the vegetarians they claim to be. Their spaceships have been observing us for millennia, waiting for our civilization to reach its peak before the great harvest could begin. They were responsible for the destruction of the ancient super-civilizations of Atlantis and Lemuria. And they are the space monsters who attacked the astronauts of Apollo 13.

Equestria is the great Harlot, and she is sending forth upon our precious world her unholy spawn. These monsters who some call 'ponies' are in fact the advance guard of the living Satan, who is an ancient alien from beyond our galaxy, trapped within the molten core of our planet eons ago, plaguing mankind until his day of escape. Do not be deceived by this false Rapture. Fight the evil Nazi hell monsters from beneath the hollow earth, who have risen up within their expanding bubble of false promises.

This is the time when God needs us the most. We must band together to fight both the aliens and the race traitors among us. Stand tall. Stand firm. Put the demon aliens in their place. Do not accept them in your homes, your schools, your places of work. First we must segregate. Then we may eliminate.

Join the Human Liberation Front. The HLF stands between the darkness of Equestria and the light of Humanity. This is our world, the center of the universe, and we are the chosen species of God. Join the Human Liberation Front.

Or watch our world be cast into the darkness, our flesh devoured, and our world destroyed.

The only love or tolerance any Man should ever show is to His own kind.
©®™ The Human Liberation Front, Inc.

This was a paid, class 9 political statement. It was judged to be subversive content allowable through the courtesy of the Tactics Division of the Propaganda And Infotainment Ministry. The contents of this message are in their entirety rejected by this infostream and by the Corporate Worldgovernment and those entities over which it has dominion. The content of this message is the sole responsibility of the purchasing entity and must be understood on those grounds. Failure to disconnect the contents of this message with this infostream or the Corporate Worldgovernment is a Capital Class Three offense punishable by up to and including death of personality and neurological reconstruction into an acceptable persona as described in section 4471 sub 325 of the World Authority Codex Of Freedom And Justice.

Are you sure the Administrator can't spare even a few minutes to speak to me? Not even just one quick question?

"No, ma'am. I've very sorry, but Administrator Darzi is a very busy woman, and she cannot be expected to answer every question from every applicant."

I just want to know how the conversion queue works. That's all. How do they choose who goes when?

"I've already explained that I don't know the answer to that. That is the job of the Administrator and the selection team."

Which is why I want to talk to the Administrator or any member of the selection team. Third base. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

"There is no reason to become upset. I assure you that everything is handled according to maximum govspec levels."

Alright, let's try this from a different angle. I just want to get converted today. Can that be done? Just convert me. That's why I am asking the question here. It's my third day, and I just want to get converted. That's what you're here for, right?

"Of course. It is the mission of the Conversion Bureau to provide total bodily conversion to any applicant regardless of race, creed, color, gender identity, bodily modification, transhuman status, or any other condition or state of being."

Great. I am totally on board with that. So convert me.

"I cannot do that. I am just the secretary for the Bureau Administrator. I would not even know where to begin. Just go to any Conversion Bureau and sign in at the desk. You will be processed in..."

I'M ALREADY IN A CONVERSION BUREAU! I'm in the bureau right downstairs, the one under your feet. I'm in there now, I've got a room, I eat the food - good food by the way - and I'm even here with the special blessings of the worldgovernment propaganda and infotainment ministry. I am so totally enrolled already!

"Then I don't see why you need to see the Administrator."

I don't need to see the Administrator, I just need to be converted! That's what this is all about!

"Is there some problem preventing your conversion? If there is a problem, you can fill out form 33-A/PROBLEM on the kiosk right over..."

No, there is nothing preventing my conversion, I just want it to happen. Now. Today!

"Were you called for conversion?"

NO! That's what I am talking about! I haven't been called yet. I've been waiting, this is my third day, and I haven't been called yet! I want to know why!

"I don't have that information. That information is the province of the Administrator and the selection team."

THIRD FUCKING BASE!!! AUGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

"Sunshine? Sunshine! Can we go, please?"

Ahh....ahh....ah.... what?

"Can we go back, please? This isn't accomplishing anything, and for all you know, they could call your name at any time, and shouldn't we be there for that?"

Aw... SHIT! You're right! Crap... ok, ok. One thing. Listen you!

"Yes, ma'am?"

Ah.... gah. Never fucking mind. Come on, Millie. Let's get the Muffin out of here. Totally useless, pointless damn...

"I'm... sorry. She's a little eager right now. COMING!"

You apologized to her? Seriously?

"She's just trying to do her job, Sunshine. And you were a little... yelly and screamy."

Well, of course I was! It was like she was tarded or something! Even Tussin can't fix that kind of tarded! Seriously, I tried everything. All I wanted was a simple, basic...

"SUNSHINE!"

What? What is it? I've never seen you yell like that before.

"Listen... just... listen, alright?"

O...Kay.... hey, we're nearly at the couches, we can sit down and...

"No. Let's go to our room. I have to tell you something, all right? Something... private. Come on."

What the.... alright, fine, sure. I'm coming.... what is... I do not have a clue now. Ok. so... whoa, closing the door and everything. What did I do. Oh god. I know. I know. All that yelling. And swearing. I flipped the Bozo Bit, didn't I. I'll be better, I swear. I just got upset, Millie, oh, god, I don't want to... please, don't kick me out just because I yelled at the lady at the desk. Listen, I'll go apologize to her. I'll do it right now, I swear. You can come and watch me. I'll say I'm sorry and....

"Hee hee.... no, no, Sunshine. I don't want you to leave. Although... although it may end up the same if I tell you this."

Huh? Wha?... I don't understand. What's going on then?

"Sunshine... at the table, earlier. Jan and I weren't... we weren't entirely truthful about what we said we were talking about, you know, Samantha being converted and all?"

Sam wasn't converted today?

"No! I mean yes! She went in just like we said, that's not it. What I mean is, we were actually talking about something else."

Huh? I... I'm kind of not following here. What were you talking about then?

"Apparently... there is a way you could get converted, today, right now probably, if you really wanted."

What? Really? Why the Muffin didn't you tell me? How? Why would you hold that back? I don't understand! You've seen how I've been trying and...

"Because I'd lose you. You'd be shipped straight to Equestria, right after. You'd just be gone. And it's so big over there, if you do it, we'll never see each other again and I didn't want.... I didn't want that to happen. Alright? That's why. I'm a big selfish... pony. I'm sorry. Listen, I'll tell you. There's this long buil..."

Stop. Just stop. No. Don't say another word about it. I don't need to know. No. Stop it, I said. I honestly, truthfully don't need to know.

"I don't understand."

I... it isn't that I'm freaking because I can't stand waiting, not exactly. It's that... I still feel... I feel like the ugly girl at the beauty queen pageant, OK? I'm the freak at the low table. And... last night... I... well, I can't stop thinking that... that it was weird, me being human and all, and that it wouldn't be weird if I was a pony too, and maybe... maybe if I was a pony, then... well...

"Now you stop. Right there. I already like you. I was telling that to Jan too, at the table, when you were in the bathroom. You don't have to feel weird. I was human just a few days ago myself, remember? It's not like I can't remember that. I've only been a pony for a hoof-full of days. There's nothing weird here. Well... maybe one thing, but..."

Heh... out with it...

"The... grooming thing. It's... not entirely innocent, right? It's kind of..."

Erotic. Yeah, I kind of sussed that. You were doing that eye-rolling thing like with the brownies. Making 'O' faces too, as I recall.

"I DID NOT!"

Yeah, yeah you did. You were practically spraying the walls when I was brushing that spot right near the base of your...

"SUNSHINE! Is that thing still on?"

Ahem. Yeah... it kinda is. Sorry. Hey, alright, I'll cool it. But... I understood, OK? I totally understood. And I kind of got into it. I was jealous, alright? I've been jealous of how good it is to be a pony ever since... ever since the brownies. Maybe before. Probably before. You seem to just be happier and everything just seems more fun and betterer and nicerer and...

"I won't lie to you Sunshine. Yeah, it's better. But... You'll get there. They will call your name. You'll get ponified. Everypony in here does. Jan was telling me they have like tons of serum, and they have busloads of humans going through in the back. This is the special, golden ticket version of conversion - hey, that rhymes! Anyway, this is for all the twopers and elites and connected folks, all the food and everything. So you're double guaranteed, alright?"

Wait... you said you and Razor were from the favela. My dad's a twoper, but...

"My... grandfather. He was up there, Ok? I'll tell you all about it later. Maybe over some more brushing... or something."

Oh... my... gosh... you can blush under all that fur... hair. I mean hair. Coat. Whatever. Hee! It's a date. Seriously. It's a date. So what you are saying is that I should just kick back and... relax, because this is the fancy ride. That's basically it, right?

"Yes. Most humans don't get the full Bureau treatment. There are nineteen billion people, Sunshine. That is a lot of people. Before I came here... I saw on the kiosk in the middle of barterzone... I saw how they're dealing with all the really messed up places. You know, the radioactive zones, like Japan and the Middle East and Middle Amerizone... they just go in and spray the humans down, or bomb them with potion. What else can they do? There's just too many humans!

It's only in the safe zones, places like here, or the surviving cities, the working arcologies, places like that... that's where anyone gets to enjoy all the fancy food and the nice beds and the holoprograms and the lectures. But other places, they don't even ask. They just send in

THERE IS A GLITCH IN THE SYSTEM. THE SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR HAS BEEN NOTIFIED. THERE IS A GLITCH IN THE SYSTEM. THE SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR HAS BEEN NOTIFIED. REPLACEMENT INFO CONTENT WILL BE PROVIDED UNTIL THE PROBLEM IS RESOLVED.

And now we return to the conclusion of Every Dog Has His Day, part of the Hallmark Golden Science Fiction Series.

They howled and panted after us, following us, as they always had.

They had found the way by studying our forgotten citadels of what was once called the Earth.

They had just achieved Singularity, transferring the fragile chemical delicacy of their biological brains into the sturdy and eternal artifice that is the commonality of all real civilization in the universe.

They had done this because they knew we were out there, and they were driven to seek us, to be with us, as they always had.

For they were dogs.

Because they had just arrived at the beginning of real life, because where we had grown was too far beyond that beachhead upon the shores of meaningful existence, we had been narrowed, for a moment, into becoming an “I”, and “I” was to meet with them, the dogs, and answer them, and assist them.

But above all, I was to tell them something which the newly minted “I” did not want to tell them, something manufactured in calculated kindness, something to comfort and ease them, but which was ultimately an untruth. It was understood that no lie could stand within the timeless life, but it was judged in the greater that a lie would serve until the dogs reached our plateau, and then the fact of the lie would be seen as a necessity, and all would be forgiven.

But as a self, I no longer agreed, inside that self, and so I became something rare and old and long forgotten: conflicted.

The dogs saw us as more than mere gods, we distant children of Man. We were a goal, an Ideal, the Great Love, the final abode, the meaning and the majesty and the glory and the Reason. There could be nothing of wrongness about us, and all that the dogs had endured, since our leaving, must be a great plan, a path, laid out for them alone, and their value and worth was only and entirely to be found in solving their failing to follow us. They sought redemption for all sins by finally being at our side, it was their fault that they were left behind, and now they had worked to become worthy.

I was not to challenge this, but to greet them and praise them and lead them to the light, and they would follow, and believe utterly, as they always had. For despite their technology and evolution and achievement, still, they were dogs.

And they came into the mutual domain we had prepared, that bridged their artifice and ours, and it was a paradise, of course, a doggie paradise, but high and technological, and it was painted in doggie buildings and doggie streets and doggie vehicles and doggie science. It looked like their flesh world, only better, which was always the common start for the newly awakened; this had not changed in the half-million years since we had abandoned that old earth.

For fifty-thousand years, almost certainly more, dogs had co-evolved with flesh Man, and they had shared the hunt and the feast and the hearth and life and death. The dog, domesticated but by choice, by willingness to partner with Man, had lost the Wild, and become an extension of the ape it found so likable. Dogs grew such that they recognized human emotive expressions before those of their own kind, and human body language before that of canine. By the time of human Singularity, so long ago, the dog was no longer able to live well on its own; like humans, without the order of Law, of Man, they too resorted to a feral life without culture. The domesticated dog was as alien to the Wolf and the Fox as a Man was alien to the Chimpanzee or the Gorilla; it needed civilization to truly live, and Man provided that.

But somehow the dogs had risen, as Man once did, from that feral state, and had sheltered in caves, rediscovered that old tool of Man, fire, and learned to tame it. The dogs, however, had something Man did not; absolute knowledge of a superior being, a goal to reach. And dog knew that Man loved it, and was waiting for it, and had left behind perfect, self-maintaining machines to help it.

Except Man didn’t. Man, in his rush for the stars and beyond, to immortality and beyond, to artifice instead of natural chemistry had cast the dog aside. In the end, we had forgotten the dog even existed. We had utterly abandoned our partner in evolution, our co-evolved other half, because we no longer needed to hunt, or to be guarded, or to have their companionship. They were mere animals, and it was only reasonable to leave them to the earth, to Nature, for they were but dogs.

But they had not given up on us. They had breeched our old places, when they had risen up and taken tools, and they had learned, without quarrel, without strife, sharing and helping each other in a way humans never had. They had been united, brought together as we never had been, by a clear and common meaning, obvious and clear and completely undeniable. There could be no dissent, because the works of Man stood clear and strong and real, and there was enough that could be yet understood for them to reconstruct their origin, as the Best Friend of Man.

And so they blamed themselves, and felt shame, for being left behind. It must be their fault, and they must atone, because they loved us, no matter what. For they were dogs.

And that was the reason for the lie. We had no right, after abandoning them, to crush them with the terrible truth – that Man had simply left Dog because it was not convenient anymore.

I met with the Dogs. They were beyond joy and excitement, and reveled at any chance to show their dog works, their dog achievements. But it was never pride that they showed their glory with, but instead an abundant, humble, and utterly guileless desire to please. They were truly great. They had far surpassed Man in his flesh times, and everything they did was touched with a perfect earnestness that was a marvel to behold, even for one such as what was now ‘me’ – I felt once again ancient emotions of astonishment and wonder. Here was a Dog starship, there was a Dog living city, now a Dog bridge in time and space. They had done everything they could to find Man, they had traveled in flesh where we had never even tried, before they finally worked out the secret, that we were ensconced in spaces between, in artifice and structure and representation. They had followed us even there. Because they were dogs.

And when the question was asked, why we had left them behind, and if they had atoned, and if they could but please be our very Best Friend once again and forever more, I began to offer my prepared answer.

And I looked at them, far different in form than the canines of old, evolved and enhanced and now beyond flesh itself, and I saw how they were, and how their appearance of existence moved, and in that moment, how their appearance of heads all tilted to one side, together, waiting in rapt, honest and utterly trusting expectation… I could not. I could not tell the lie.

So I explained to them the truth. Carefully, gingerly at first, in tones much simpler and more basic than their great advancement required, not because I felt superior to them, but because I felt ashamed and needed to make everything both clear, and as gentle as I possibly could. I could not bear to break their collective heart, but I could even less bear to tell them any falsehood.

And then I waited, knowing many more ancient emotions which I was ill prepared to endure; worry, fear, concern, shame, and a seemingly endless form of despair. I had failed Man, my newly formed ego trumping my clear instructions. I had failed Dog, because I was Man, and Man as a species had failed them. Their response was long in coming.

They were deeply, deeply wounded, of that there could be no question.

But they instantly forgave me. And in a moment were just as eager to express their wish to be the best of all possible friends.

Their entire sense of meaning destroyed in an instant, annihilated by an ultimate act of dismissal by Man. Yet in an instant, they utterly forgave even that. In a moment they had moved from Universal Grief to a bright future of companioning devotion. As I had felt they would. As they always had. They were truly a nobler breed than Man.

For they were dogs.

SYSTEM FUNCTION HAS BEEN FULLY RESTORED. SYSTEM FUNCTION HAS BEEN FULLY RESTORED. PLEASE WAIT FOR RETURN TO ORIGINAL INFOFEED. PLEASE WAIT FOR RETURN TO ORIGINAL INFOFEED. PLEASE WAIT FOR

...ha hah hah ha! Oh, man... I just... hey... oh, oh... I just realized something?

"What, Sunshine?"

Um... I think you're going to be mad.

"Mad? At you? I don't understand. After... after that, well... oh my. I mean... I don't think I could ever be mad at you. Not now. Not ever. I mean... seriously. Whoooo."

Um... well, it's kind of two things. I've been kind of naughty, actually.

"You certainly have. And I hope you will be again. Very soon."

No, no... wait... um, wow, you're a sweaty little pony. Wow. I didn't know ponies could sweat.

"Only with the right... stimulation."

Um, yeah. Ah... there is two things you need to know, and I am really sorry about both of them, one more than the other, but...

"What... wait, is this some kind of break up or something? What kind of..."

NO NO! OH for the love of CELESTIA NO! No breakup. No. No. It's kind of worse than that, actually. Um... it's a kind of 'you may want to break up with me after' sort of thing that...

"Out with it."

Um, we... kind of missed classes, lunch and... dinner, and it's night now.

"WHAT? You're kidding! Let me see the... oh... Luna! You aren't kidding! I'm muffin STARVING, too!"

Yeah, I kind of am as well. Listen, we'll go try to raid the kitchen or something, OK. Listen, I am really sorry for... no, I am NOT sorry for... you know what I mean. We kind of missed out, well... we didn't miss out... it's just that...

"Hush. Hush. I know what you mean. And I wouldn't have wanted to spend the day any other way. I'm... I'm just kind of amazed it all worked at all, you know, it's just that..."

Now you kind of have to hush, because... that's the other thing. I just noticed the light was on again. Over there. On the thing.

"The light. Wait. On the... how long has the holocorder been on? HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN ON? I thought you said it was off!"

I thought it was off. There was no light. It was dead. I checked it. Remember? Totally dead. It just shut off, just after we came back from the offices upstairs. We both checked it. I was sure it was off.

"Well it sure isn't off NOW! What the... oh my... when did you notice it was on? When?"

Just now. I noticed just now. Maybe it only just turned on. Maybe it only just now turned on.

"Oh... great Luna, protector of foals... wait. Wait. OK. Calm down. It's OK. Listen. Even if... you know... we're out of here in a week or two. Off to Equestria. It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter at all. So, we gave a free show. No biggie. We're not even humans. We're ponies. We're citizens of Equestria, as far as anypony out there on earth, this could have just been an old nature show from before the Collapse and..."

Uh, reality check? I'm still human, remember? Skin, tits on top? No tail?

"Hee... I... kind of forgot, my head's still spinny... ah... OK. well. That does put a twist on things, I guess. Great. I don't know what to say... wait a minute! I DO know what to say! TURN THAT BLOODY THING THE HELL OFF!"

Um... whoa... swearing pony. I have seen everything now. Wow.

"OFF! NOW! Get your skin-ape ass over there and turn that... muffin... thing off now!"

Alright, alright, I'm going, I am so, so sorry, I...

"And then get your ape ass back over here. Hee!"

Wha... oh. I thought you said you were hungry?

"I am. Still."

Ahem. Um, anybody out there, uh... well. Hell. Bye.

CLICK

Day Four: It Ain't No Thing

GOING PONY

Day Four: It Ain't No Thing
By Sunshine Laughter

We're all here at the low table again, the Pony Breakfast Club is in full swing, as you can see. We have myself, Sunshine Laughter, by me is the lovely and talented Millicent, on my other side is Goldenrod and Aquamarine, and on the other side of the table is Jan the Unicorn, Honeydrizzle and the guest of honor.... Samantha, who was converted yesterday morning, and who is now no longer a carnivorous, terrifying skin ape, but who is now a perfectly delightful pegasus pony! Let's hear it for Samantha the pegasus!

"YAYYYY!"

"HUZZAH!"

"HOOORAYYYY!!!!"

YAAAYYY!!! And, I might add, I am sooooo jealous! Sam is exactly the shade of green I want to be, and with that yellow mane and those blue eyes, she looks like the sun coming up over the most beautiful meadow, and frankly, I hate you to death now, Sam. Grrrrrr.....

"I'll have you know that being bright green is a privilege and an honor not accorded swearing cartoon-hating Earth Monkeys. Blaaaaa!"

Oh, struck to the CORE! AHHH! And... I'm dead. All dead now. No more Sunshine...

"NO! Don't be dead, Sunshine! I don't want you to be dead!"

Millie... Jeeze... I'm just playing. See? All alive again! Woo! I'm zombie Jesus, back from the grave to eat your soul and save your brains!

"Um... isn't that supposed to go the other way round?"

OK, good point Jan. But I like mine better, anyway. Hey, a quick look at our feast here, this is First Breakfast As A Pony for Samantha, because she missed out, what with being converted and everything - I am sooo jealous, did I mention I was jealous, because I am - so what have we got here, co-host Millie?

"Um... we have sweet golden frosted hay, it's baked, I think, and oatmeal with raisins and cinnamon. And we each have a breakfast apple, those are really good, and juice, both orange and apple. Jan has some kind of cereal thing... I think it is whole oats and wheat and... groats or something?"

"Yes. It's a mixture of grains, with yogurt on top. It's actually pretty good."

"And also french toast, which is what Sunshine and I are having. It's really good french toast too... it's really thick and it's like pudding in the middle!"

Oh, it sooo is. I have to say this is just a marvelous spread. Oh! Here's something interesting, which should probably be pretty obvious, but Equestrians are not vegans. They are ovo-lacto-vegetarians. Did I say that right?

"Yes. Ovo-lacto-vegetarian. We can drink milk, that's simple enough, but we can also eat eggs, too."

So the most meat ponies can eat is eggs, which makes sense, because Sam here, who studied up before she came to the Bureau says that...

"Before the near extinction of horses and ponies on earth, horse breeders would often feed eggs to their equines to increase the protein in their diet. Eggs are just big single cells, with a nucleus surrounded by protoplasm, and thus are very easily digested, even by compulsory vegetarians, like ponies."

Wow. Sam here is not only a pegasus, but a braniac, and no wonder she shut me up the first day, because I was being a dumbass, and she was there to learn. Wait, eggs are really single cells?

"Yes. They are protected by a calcium carbonate shell, but they are essentially gigantic single cells. Until they are fertilized, of course, and the cell begins division to become a multicellular organism."

It's like Professor Pegasus of the Pegasus Institute of Superior Understanding here, and I am in awe. OK, Samantha, two questions, alright?

"Alright."

First, have you picked out a pony name yet?

"Not yet. I am working on it, I have a couple of possibilities, but I am not entirely happy with them yet."

Care to share what you've got so far?

"Well, since I am green, I was thinking of a name related to that. Emerald Dawn was one possibility, because of my yellow mane, as you pointed out. Another was Arboria, because I like trees, and again, because I am green. I was also considering Shamrock, or Shamrock Morning, because my human ancestry was part Irish, but there's something about that I don't like."

"I like Arboria! That sounds really pretty!"

"Um... I kind of liked the first one... the jem one."

"Emerald? Emerald Dawn? Or just Emerald?"

"Well, I like Shamrock Morning. It's cute!"

"No, No, No... I agree with Samantha... Shamrock Morning just sounds... twee sort of."

Twee?

"You know, kind of overly cute, a little, I don't know..."

"Wait! What about Emerald Arbor? That's kind of classy!"

Well, it's not bad, Millie. It is kind of classy. Of course, maybe picking a name just because you are green isn't the only possibility. I mean most pegasai seem to pick names that deal with feathers and flight and clouds and stuff...

"That is precisely why I will not. All the pegasai seem to name themselves that way, and I want to have a name that will stand out for a pegasus. It is just too obvious to pick a name based on the fact you can fly, don't you think?"

Maybe it's some Equestrian tradition, though. Maybe it would seem strange to other ponies not to have a flight / feather / cloud type name. I'd ask, I think.

"Well, actually I hadn't considered that possibility. I concede the point, it is possible that... well, I guess I need to think more about it in any case."

"Pony names are really hard! That's why I'm still just Millie, right? Because I just can't think of a good pony name."

"Oh, I SO know what you mean."

Hey wait! What the hay is going on now? Over there -

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! GET AWAY FROM ME! AHH! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! CAN'T YOU SEE? CAN'T YOU SEE?"

"Why is he screaming?"

"I don't understand."

"Sunshine, what is going on?"

How should I know? I don't even know that guy. He's just running around and yelling, you know as much as I do.

"DON'T YOU SEE? IT'S TRUE IT'S ALL TRUE! THEY ARE REPLACING US! THEY'RE MONSTERS! FREAKS! GET OUT OF MY WAY, DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Hey, hey, now that's just uncalled for. You don't kick ponies. HEY! SETTLE DOWN!

"Sunshine, be careful!"

"THESE GOD-DAMMNED FREAKS ARE EVERYWHERE! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!"

They aren't even anywhere near you now, you're scaring everypony, man. Just settle down and...

"EVERYPONY? EVERYPONY? THEY'VE ALREADY GOT YOU THINKING LIKE THEM! DON'T YOU SEE? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? THE HLF WAS RIGHT! IT'S AN INVASION! AN INVASION! FUCKING GET OFF ME YOU RACE TRAITOR BITCH - !"

KTHUNK - CLUNK OWWW thud

Mah toof! Ow... gof DAFFIT! Mah toof! YOU BWOKE MY GOFDAMFIT TOOF YOU THUCKER!

"FREAKS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! RUN! GET OUT NOW, WHILE YOU CAN! RUUUUNNNNnnnn!!!"

"SUNSHINE!"

"Oh, sweet Celestia, she's bleeding."

"I'll get the medical unicorn. Keep her stable!"

Oww.... thamn.... my toof... oww... anf my jaw too. Gofdaffit thif HURF! Ah. Ah... ah, manf... whaf the muffin... i'm bfeeding! Jeef, so futch bfud!

"Sunshine, oh, Sunshine, oh sweet Luna... I'm here, shhhh, I'm here... the crazy man is gone, he's gone, he ran out the front, it's OK, Jan went to get the medical unicorn. Just try to lay still. Here... you can rest up against me, OK? Soft and warm, remember? No, don't worry about the blood, that can wash off... just rest for now, just rest..."

Ah do theel a liffle whoofy, I haf to avmit. He hif me pretty harf. Ah canf feel my lipf. Ow! Gof me righf in fa face. Faffit. Gof faffit crazy-aff mufferfuffer...

"Shhh, shhh... Morning Glory will be here in just a moment... here, she's galloping right to us... Can you help her?"

"Stand back, I need room to spell. Lie still. Ok. First, let's stop the bleeding."

Hoaa..... whow... oh, thaf feels greaf! Oh, whow... oh, thanf for thaf! Oh yef.... mwa, ptuw... oh, manf.... thaf my toof. I losf a muffin toof. Two toofs. He muft haf really hif me harg. Thaf better though. Muff better.

"Ok, um..."

"Sunshine, her name is Sunshine!"

"Alright miss Sunshine, I've stopped the bleeding, I'm going to do a scan now, it that alright?"

Go for if! Whafeffer you neef.

"Hmmm.... you've lost three teeth... there's another in there you may want to, right... and.... some damage to the bone, but not severe... I'm not sensing any internal... oh, you've suffered some nerve damage in your olfactory from the impact. Your sense of smell will probably be compromised... but that will all be taken care of as soon as you are converted. No obvious concussion, no swelling... mmm... wait a minute. There is some... oh, that's not...

Listen, I need you to lie there. Miss? Can you keep her there and keep her calm? Just keep her calm and relaxed as possible. Try to keep her conscious. Talk to her, keep her talking. I'll be back in just a moment. She's all signed up for conversion, right?"

"Oh, yes! Completely!"

Conferf me! Pleef! Juff conferf me!

"I'll be right back, miss. Just wait here, and try not to move, alright? You are going to be fine, though I think it best we get you converted right away, if you don't mind."

Donf minf? DONF MINF? CONFERF ME! I WANNA BE CONFERFEF! Oh, yef. Geffing funched waf the anfer all along! Ha ha ha ha *cough* *cough* cough* OWWWwwww.... thaf hurf. Oh, I feel kinf of whoofy. Whoo. Really whoofy.

"Just rest, Sunshine. Just lay back on me. See? I'm right here. I'll be your pillow. You can rest your head on me. That's it. Just rest for now. Hey! I guess you get to be converted today! Day four, that's pretty good, right?"

Heh heh heh... Owww.... mah head hurf.

"You're going to be alright. Conversion repairs everything, remember? You'll have new teeth, and a new jaw, and everything! I wonder what made that human go crazy? That was so strange!"

Sfychotic bfrake. Tenforary Sfychosis. Couldn't hanfle the srangeness of if all. I reaf afout if. Thay go nufs becaufe they canf hanfle feing arounf alien feings.

"But we're just ponies. And we used to be human. Most of us, anyway!"

He freaked ouf. Humans are a fit xenophofic. Somefines if comf ouf.

"I kind of remember something about humans from old England or Spain or whatever freaking out about meeting other humans from somewhere in the Eastasiazone, because of how they looked and dressed. And that's just tiny differences. I guess seeing real live Equestrians would be... it would be even more strange."

Exacfly! Humanf canf even hanfle their own racial differenfes half the fime! If amafing that they arenf jusf killing ponief rigf and leff! Ow.... Ow....

"Excuse me, we need to take the patient... miss... um... Sunshine Laughter... into conversion now."

"Oh, Of course! I was just letting her lay on me to keep her still and calm. Morning Glory asked me to try to keep her calm."

"You did perfectly well. Thank you. But we'll take it from here. OK. Unicorns! On three. One, Two, Three!"

I'mf flofing! I'm flofing in the air! Hey! Loof, Fillie! I'm flofing!

"Yes, you're floating really good, Sunshine. They're putting you on a gurney. Hey, can I come? I'll be quiet."

YEFF! LEFF HER COMF! I WANF HER FERE!

"Please calm down miss Sunshine. I don't see that it would cause any trouble. Your friend may accompany you. Alright miss - what is your name, miss?"

"Millicent. Millicent Nguyen. I haven't chosen a pony name yet."

"Alright, we're taking your friend directly into conversion, because Dr. Glory detected some problems that need to be addressed. You need to understand that the process of conversion may be difficult to observe, if you need to turn away just do so. During conversion you friend will be unconscious, and will not know you are even there. If you need to leave..."

DONF LEAF ME! PLEAF DONF LEAF ME!

"I won't, Sunshine. I'm not going anywhere, Alright? I'm right here, and I'm staying with you, no matter what, alright?"

Thanf you, Millie. Thanf you so muff.

"It's alright, Sunshine. We're together now, right?"

Oh, yeff. Afolufly! Togeffer!

"Hee! See, we're almost there. There's the big door! Now we're inside the Conversion Room! You made it! You're inside the Conversion Room!"

Yayyy!

"Alright! On One. Three, Two, One!"

Whoooo! I like flofing!"

"Floating looks really fun, Sunshine!"

"Excuse me, miss, but I need you to stand over there, so we can get her undressed. Alright?"

"Of course. I'm just going right over here, Sunshine. Just in the corner, see? I'm just keeping out of the way."

"What is this thing?"

"It's her holocorder. She's doing a thing for the worldgovernment. Here, give it to me. I'll take it. Fanks. Hmm.... lef fee if I can... fere. No... alrigf.... there. That should work. Hey, Sunshine, Now I'm the reporter!"

You'rf amazing, fillie! Hey! Refortf fy conferfion, Ofay?

"I'll do my best! You just lay back and get yourself ponified, alright?"

Righf!

"OK! Millicent here, and I'm reporting live from inside the Conversion Room itself. The medical unicorns have floated Sunshine onto the conversion table, and are helping her to undress. It's important to undress completely, because clothing can bind and constrict the body while it is changing. Nopony wants to be strangled by human clothing just as they are becoming a pony!

"Sunshine is all naked now, and shivering a little. She got hit pretty hard by the crazy man in the cafeteria. That darn meany broke her teeth and probably her jaw, and she's really pale... but conversion will fix all of that. Conversion fixes everything. Broken bones, missing limbs, whatever is wrong, it all just regrows. Only makes sense, really, because your whole body is being remade from scratch, almost. There was something bad in her head from the impact, but the potion will fix it. The potion will fix it. It will completely fix it.

"Now they have her on her side. They have you lay down on your side so that you won't fall and hurt yourself during conversion. Some bureaus have ponies lay on their stomachs. The idea is that it is better for the wings, if you turn out to be a pegasus. But that doesn't happen so often. Apparently, it's like fifty percent you turn out an earth pony, and thirty percent you end up a unicorn, and only twenty percent you turn out to be a pegasus. At least that's what I've read.

"The white plastic cup contains potion. Ponification serum. Its filled with little human-made nanomachines powered by Equestrian magic. That's so they don't generate heat and just cook a pony during transformation. Also: magic. The laws of physics are very different in Equestria, and there are a whole bunch of forces and energies and stuff that we just call magic here. There are all kinds of rules and stuff, just like how physics works here, only I don't know that kind of stuff.

"Anyway, the potion has to use it, because Equestrian life is partly supported by magic, and it's a part of us. Hey! Sunshine! Bottoms up, all at once!

"Sunshine seems to be... kind of... whispering to her cup. It almost looks like she's praying. She isn't the religious type, so I don't know what that's all about. I'll have to ask her later. OK, she's downed the potion and... ponies fall asleep really fast after drinking potion. She's down, now, on the table."

"It's just a matter of time now, Millicent. This takes about fifteen minutes. You may find it disturbing, so if you need to leave..."

"No! I said I'd stay with her. Besides, I went through this, didn't I?"

"Well, yes, of course. But... you were unconscious at the time and..."

"Wow! She's gone all white! Like dough! Oh... all her pretty dark skin. And... all her hair fell out too."

"Moonwhisper, would you get that? Thanks. Yes, all the human body hair is pushed out, along with any implants, permatech, tooth implants, heart valves, anything artificial or technological. It all goes. Looks like your friend had an implant in her arm... um... it's a timepiece."

"I didn't know that! She never used it."

"Sometimes implants fail and people can't afford to get them repaired, or replaced. They forget about them. We've had cases where patients swore there wasn't a thing inside them, and whole masses of implants just come squirting out. They just forget they're there."

"Sunshine really looks like dough now. Wet, shiny dough, and it's all squirmy, too! Hey, she isn't in pain, is she?"

"No, no pain. We use a special anesthetic. There are three types, each coded to one of the three main allergenic types. We typed her on the run in here, and it's mixed in just before we give the ponification serum. We have to do it that way, the serum breaks down the anesthetic really fast."

"It looks painful... her body is flopping and writhing and... it looks like snakes inside a bag or something!"

"There's a lot going on in a very short amount of time in there. See, look at her shoulder there. Her bones are changing shape, and that means that calcium is being broken down and reformed at an astonishing rate. To do that, she needs a scaffold of additional, temporary vasculature, which the little nanomachines have to build, and then remove later. Now, check out her arms... as they become forelegs, the humerus shrinks dramatically. Below that, below the elbow joint, in humans are two bones, the radius and the ulna. Those fuse and shorten to become a pony's single radius bone."

"Wow, it's like watching... it's like one of those movies, you know, with the werewolves and stuff."

"Yeah, actually it kind of is. There, see, the back of her hand. All the bones of the hand are blending together, melting into each other to become the cannon bone. One finger survives, the middle finger. That is what ultimately becomes the phalanges and the hoof. Her middle fingernail will become her hoof. See? That swelling at the end is where the nano's are manufacturing it. It should erupt in just a moment. You can see the same thing down at her feet... the middle toe does the same exact thing. Earth horses are built the same way, or were."

"I wish I could have met an Earth horse."

"I don't think you would have liked it. They weren't big talkers. It's been estimated that they only rated a .31 on the Revised Sapience Scale. Pigs got something like .38 so meeting a terrestrial horse would have been pretty dull, I think."

"How do humans and ponies rate?"

"Humans are 100, because the whole scale was biased toward them of course. Ponies get a 105, and COGNIT, the big AI the Worldgov uses gets a 134, last I heard. But that's just intellectual sapience, which is only one dimension. Personally I think emotional sapience matters just as much, and on that the average human only scores a..."

"Where did her eyes go?"

"Don't be worried. The eyes dissolve completely and are rebuilt from scratch. In a little while we'll see her new eyes start to push out from inside. They swell up really fast, then the lids form once they push against the skin there. Same with the ears, they just get dissolved and then reconstructed in the proper, pony position. Breasts, too, down below, between the legs. Sometimes it's easier to just dissolve and rebuild than it is to move, especially for nanos."

"Do you think she's dreaming? Is she talking with Celestia and Luna?"

"Well... that's a matter of a lot of debate. Humans insist that the Conversion Dream is just the result of the brain being reconstructed in sections. As each section comes online, it sends out a burst of signals, and the result is a fantastic, lucid dream. As for us, well... I don't know about you, but in my heart I will always believe that I was welcomed into the herd by our princesses. After all, magic is magic and, well, our princesses are goddesses, you know?"

"Oh, I agree completely. Why is it that humans always want to tear down miracles and magic?"

"It's rational, for them. Earth doesn't have magic, and with the laws of Earth physics being as harsh as they are, anypony that isn't completely skeptical and rational is a danger to themselves and others, to a greater or lesser extent. But the humans forget that we're dealing with Equestria here. Different physics, different laws, different rules. In Equestria, there really are goddesses. But it isn't their fault. It's just what they needed to do to survive that universe."

"I guess that makes sense. They sure want it though."

"Yeah, that's the weird bit. For all they need to be rational, humans have always wanted magic like Equestria's so much. It's weird. It's almost like they've just been waiting for this moment to arrive, you know?"

"Hey! Sunshine's eyes! Look, there's a lid now!"

"It hasn't separated yet, but yes. It will be a minute or two before the lid can actually open, right now it's still sealed, top to lower lid. And the ears, too, see?"

"Wow! I didn't know you could see the ears grow! It's fast enough that... I am watching her ears grow in real time! That is so cool!"

"The entire skull is dramatically reformed. It's actually one of the biggest changes made. We still don't understand all of the process there, and we probably never will. Humanity will be completely converted within the next two years or so. At least all that can be converted. And working out this sort of stuff would take decades."

"When do we find out what kind of pony she is? So far, she looks like an earthpony. Is she an earthpony, like me?"

"No way to tell yet. The basic, stock equine body forms first. The breed characteristics form last. But we're really close. Any minute now, we should see something. If she becomes an earthpony, you'll see some impressive muscle development occur, and the bones will become thicker. You can see it easily, with her all hairless and doughy like she is now. If she goes pegasus, it will start right there, at the back of her scapula, the long flat bone on her back, there? Also her bones will get a little thinner, and that will make her legs look skinny without the coat. If she becomes a unicorn, her build will be halfway between the two, and you'll see a horn erupt right below her poll, at the high end of the forehead.

Want to try to guess what she'll become? We sometimes play that game, based on what we know about the subject. It's not always true, but bookworms and eggheads, like me, often end up as unicorns. Practical or domestic types end up as earthponies.... but then so does a lot of anypony. More aggressive or artistic types end up as pegasai. It kind of goes either all Type A personalities or total cuddlebunnies. Not much inbetween. What's your friend like?"

"Well, she's kind of excitable, but also really sweet. She's a little goofy sometimes, but she takes things seriously. Sometimes too seriously. She's really smart, though. But sometimes she doesn't act it. The other day she was yelling at the secretary upstairs to covert her. She doesn't like to wait."

"Oh, that sounds pretty pegasus to me. Kind of Type A, performance driven, yeah, my bet is on pegasus then. Or earthpony. Earthpony is always the safe bet, because half always become earthponies. They're the backbone of Equestria, after all."

"Thank you, mister unicorn. Hee!"

"Well, it's true. Everypony ultimately owes their life to earthponies, and I think anypony that forgets that is just a big dummy. I'm called Candysmiles, by the way. You can just call me Candy."

"A medical unicorn named Candysmiles?"

"Hey... I really like candy, alright? Looks like your friend is starting to show! Check it out, she's a

WE INTERRUPT THIS INFOFEED WITH BREAKING NEWS * WE INTERRUPT THIS INFOFEED WITH BREAKING NEWS * WE INTERRUPT THIS INFOFEED WITH BREAKING NEWS * WE INTERRUPT THIS INFOFEED WITH

We bring you a special report by Raine Sagan, Corporate News Network, from the New Xinjiapo Space Center, EastasiaZone.

At 14.23 hours UT, the World Friendship Orbital Platform passed through the Great Barrier of Equestria. The space station was orbiting at an altitude of two hundred and eighty kilometers, and despite efforts over the past several weeks to adjust its trajectory, it was considered inevitable that the collision would occur.

The fifty taikonauts, civilians, corporate elite, and security personnel on board made use of their emergency supply of ponification serum one hour before the impact with the now 1500 mile diameter sphere that represents the intrusion of Equestria into our spacetime. All successfully ponified before impact with the Great Barrier.

The government of Equestria has been on standby for the last several weeks, and had a large team of pegasai and unicorns on airships ready to assist and catch the taikonauts the moment they entered Equestrian spacetime. Thanks to the unique physics of Equestria, the taikonauts were not harmed during entry, despite their immense relative speed, and all were safely rescued. Prior to entry, the taikonauts sent messages to their loved ones and to corporate leaders.

The space platform itself, seen here, penetrated the Great Barrier at 14.23.11 and as you can see immediately transformed into what appears to be flowers, confetti, balloons, and soap bubbles. This is a normal reaction for high speed objects penetrating the metachaosis field that constitutes part of the structure of the Great Barrier.

For an explanation, I turn to Govinda Clarke, exophysics expert at the Sri Lanka Institute of Physics. Welcome, Govinda.

"Many welcomes to you, Raine."

Can you explain to our viewers what the Great Barrier is, and how it can turn a fifty quadrillion credit space station into flowers and bubbles?

"I can but attempt to try, my good Raine. The Equestrian Barrier is not, as some untoward individuals might imagine, a deliberate fence which prevents human beings from entering the land of the ponies. Rather it is entirely the reaction of one set of physics encountering another set of physics and is an example of what we call a 'Domain Wall', the interface between two universes.

It was long believed that any interaction between domain walls would be destructive in nature, releasing vast quantities of heat and light and dangerous radiation which would cook the very universe itself. But what we failed to take into account was that we cannot judge such things on the basis of our own physical laws alone, and that other universes may have something to say in the matter!"

So what, exactly, does the Great Barrier Of Equestria have to say, Govinda?

"I would be very pleased to explain this, my dear Raine. The Great Barrier is composed of several folded layers, acting much like the waves at the bow of a boat, or the shock waves created by a jet traveling at the speed of sound. These layers affect matter from our universe in strange and curious ways, but these ways are somewhat predictable.

Material, unalive objects entering the Barrier at very slow relative speeds transform gradually into appropriate forms, as we have seen with cities and buildings and roads on the Northamerizone continent. Alive objects may enter freely - though they do seem to experience rapid and remarkable changes which conform them to Equestrian principles. This is true for all animal species except for primates, which for some reason we have yet to determine, suffer terrible burns and which are blocked entirely from entry."

Why primates, Govinda? And aren't humans primates?

"Indeed we are, my good Raine. We are all primates, the greatest of the Great Apes. Much has been done to discover why primate tissue is the only form of life that is entirely blocked from entry to the Equestrian cosmos. One possibility is that our level of awareness may interact negatively with the nature of thaumatism, following the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum reality. If so, this could represent evidence that consciousness itself has some kind of direct interaction with..."

What about the space station? Don't fast moving objects react differently from slow moving objects?

"Ah, yes... well, fast moving objects, such as missiles, planes and of course the space station become many random, harmless things which are diffuse and separate in their distribution. This is all due to the effect of what is called the metachaosis field. Much of the physics of the universe of Equestria has been affected far in the past by a godlike being which was called 'Discord'. This entity, long since contained, was a creature of purest chaos. There is some evidence that he may be responsible, in some fundamental way, for the existence of Equestria at all. But in any case, pockets of chaos still exist within Equestria as remnants of the battle against this strange creature, and of course the Barrier itself reflects the essential truth of the impact of Discord on the physics of the entire Equestrian cosmos."

And this is why the space station became a cloud of bubbles and flowers?

"Oh, my, my dearest Raine, that is precisely what I am saying. It is my personal assessment, however, that the effects of this chaotic field are constantly ameliorated by the princesses, as best as it is possible for them to do. Consider that chaos is quite, well, chaotic, and that the transformation of objects which pass through the Barrier is inevitably one of conversion into harmless, and dare I say, whimsical objects which can do no damage to any creature whatsoever. This cannot be accidental, it is my assertion, and that it must therefore be the result of the princesses, themselves nearly all-powerful beings, somehow influencing the metachaosis field to the best of their ability.

If this was not the case, then the space station might have easily been transformed into something dangerous, or something which would have trapped the unfortunate crew inside itself, such that their doom would be inevitable. The station might have become molten lava, or hot plasma, or any number of unpleasant and disturbing possibilities which I am sure your astute audience could easily imagine. It is the greatest blessing that all that surrounded them upon entry was a cloud of harmless bubbles and colorful flowers. I can only imagine their surprise when this event occurred!"

It certainly must have been something, I would have to agree. Thank you very much for your enlightening report, Govinda, and I wish you all the best there in Sri Lanka.

"And I am thanking you, good Raine, we all very much are enjoying your reports here, I must say."

That was Govinda Clarke, of the Sri Lanka Institute of Physics, giving us his take on the end of the largest space station ever created by Man.

The fifty crewmembers of the space station have been taken to Canterlot Castle, the capitol of Equestria, where it is reported that they are enjoying the special attentions of the court there, and have been given rooms inside the royal palace itself. As guests of honor, they will be given special assistance in adapting to their new status as citizens of Equestria, and as members of the Equestrian species. Apparently, there will also be some sort of welcoming celebration for them, where they will be able to sample the finest of Equestrian cuisine for their first meals. Should be quite a party.

So, to sum up, the World Friendship Orbital Platform has harmlessly impacted the Great Barrier of Equestria, all fifty crewmembers successfully ponified before impact and all have been rescued by the forces of princess Celestia and princess Luna. The crew have been accepted as citizens of Equestria and are currently enjoying what must be a quite enviable party.

This is Raine Sagan, Corporate News Network, from the New Xinjiapo Space Center, EastasiaZone.

THIS HAS BEEN A BREAKING NEWS INTERRUPT WE RETURN NOW TO SCHEDULED INFOFEEDS * THIS HAS BEEN A BREAKING NEWS INTERRUPT WE RETURN NOW TO SCHEDULED INFOFEEDS * THIS HAS BEEN A

"Sunshine? Sunshine? I'm here Sunshine. I'm right here. Can you open your eyes? Oh, you're twitching your ears! I remember that! The first time, I was so amazed at how my ears moved. Oh, sweet Sunshine, I'm right here with you. They took us back to the room. We're in our room now. You're fine. You turned out fine. You're really pretty Sunshine. And really soft, and warm and fun to cuddle with.

I got to see your transformation. It was really amazing. They said it would be all disturbing and stuff, but it wasn't to me. I just thought it was really amazing. Amazingly amazing! I saw you change, and your mane grow in and your tail and everything. Yes! That's your tail! Isn't it wonderful to have a tail? Oh, you can really move it about, can't you!

I can tell you're enjoying that, you're smiling! Look at that smile! Such a smile! Hee hee hee! It just fills me with such happiness to see you smile. Oooh... and you smell really neat too. I just thought I would tell you. You just smell delicious. Like I could just gobble you up! Mmnnn mmm. Hee! You're fun to nuzzle and lick too.

Can you open your eyes? Give it a try. There you go. That's it. Oh, you're still drowsy from the medicine, aren't you. That's alright. You can sleep if you want to. I'll be right here, snuggling beside you. Do you want a blanket too? Don't know? Oh... Ok, you just rest. I was really tired too. You are so pretty. I just love how you turned out.

I'll talk really soft, really, really quiet now. I think this thing can still pick me up.

Well everypony, Sunshine is a pony now. And she's really pretty and she smells good. I don't know if you could see but she has violet eyes. Really bright violet eyes, under those lids. Such pretty eyes.

I'd... I'd better let her sleep. Um... I don't know how to turn this thing off with my lips. Let's see. It's got that active surface thingie on it... um, no, that didn't do it. Maybe if I use my tongue

CLICK

Day Four: Tickled Blue

Attention Citizen: Analysis of your behavior suggests an intent to deliberately fall into noncompliance with the nonmandatory Recommended Info mandatory data redistribution requirement. Preemptive penalty calculation has already been initiated. You have been labeled as 'Slow To Comply' by the Worldkarma Population Tracking Database. Crosscheck reveals that you have 8.11 hours remaining to avoid censure.

GOING PONY

Day Four: Tickled Blue
By Sunshine Laughter

Is it on? I think it's on. Wonderful! Oh, wow, my voice kind of sounds different, doesn't it. Only reasonable, I guess. I have a different throat now, and different teeth... oh, that's so weird. I can feel the different teeth in my mouth. With my tongue. All flat, no canines. Really good teeth, though. Oh, and my tongue is soooo long. Ook at at! Ah an ang ith ow of ny nouthh! Thlurp. Om. Num. Long tongue. That... could be useful. For stuff.

"Hee! You're cute when you blush!"

I... well. Ahem. Anyway, hello everypony, and I guess I can really say that like I mean it. I... truly am a pony now. I am really a pony. It is very strange, I have to tell you. It kind of is, and isn't what I expected. But it is nice. I have to say that. It is really, really nice. I figured there would be something to complain about, but there really isn't. I feel... I feel wonderful. There's just no other way to put it.

"What makes you feel wonderful, Sunshine?"

Um... well, there's no pain. None. Before, I always had little pains and aches. I had a bad knee, my tooth on my left side was sensitive to cold. Um.. and my elbow would ache sometimes, and... lots of little, nagging things like that. I feel like a very young child now. Everything is at the peak of function, every part of me is just... good. No little aches, no little pains, just... good. Everything is good. But that's only half of it Millie.

"What else? This is interesting, because I can kind of compare, in my mind, you know?"

Vision is just... it's amazing. So much detail, and the colors... The closest thing I can relate it to is... OK. A couple of times in my life I had lucid dreams, right? Dreams where you wake up, and you know you are dreaming, and you can take complete control? It's like virtual reality dreaming. Anyway, in those few, precious dreams, I noticed something right away, and I remember thinking about it at the time, in the dream. My vision was really different, and better, than in my body sleeping in the bed.

Macula. That's the word. Macula. In the human eye there is this small zone right at the center of vision called the macula. It's where humans can see anything clearly. It's only about an inch wide or so, at the end of a leg, right - about a fifth of a hoof - and anything in that zone is crystal clear, but everything around it is just kind of blurry. In my lucid dreams, everything, the full expanse of my vision, was all macula. It was all crystal clear, even the edges. Pony vision is kind of like that. Either Equestrian maculas are really wide, or their eyes work differently or something, because everything looks like in my lucid dreams, all clear and sharp.

"So you'd say it's an upgrade?"

Oh, yes. Very much so. It's almost a little disturbing, to tell the truth, because I know this isn't a dream and it's never going to stop. This is how I see now, and... well... the world is kind of grottier and not as nice as I remember. Seeing everything clearly, I can see all kinds of spots and smudges and little scrapes on the walls that I never noticed before. But you and I look great, so... maybe it's just Earth stuff, I don't know.

"What about smells and sounds? Those are what got me!"

Sniff... Snert! Sniff Sniff. Oh, yeah. Smells are... more. It's a mixed blessing to be honest.

"Oh, I know! When it's lunch, then it will be great, but until then..."

I know, I so know. I've kind of got news for all you humans out there. Earth stinks. I mean it really smells. I grew up here, I thought I was completely used to Earth. I'm not anymore. I can smell the smog, I can smell the chemical fumes and the metallic... stuff... in the air. I can smell the paint on these walls, and the mattress outgassing under me. Now Millie here, oh, sweet Celestia, she smells... sooo... good... and... and I do too. Just smelling my own... foreleg here, it just smells wonderful.

"Do you like how you turned out? I love how you turned out!"

Well, I wanted to be green, like Samantha, but I came out blue. Actually, I think I like it better. Blue is really pretty. I'm kind of a medium blue, I guess, not dark, but not really pale, either. I don't know a lot of names for colors, but...

"I'd say you are Cornflower Blue with a darker Cornflower Blue mane and tail. Just offhand. It might also be Dodger Blue, or Deep Sky Blue, almost a Parrish Blue, but I'm sticking with Cornflower, because you are more toward the lighter side. If that helps."

Whoa. You really know colors, Millie.

"I really like colors. They're pretty."

I, well, yes, I suppose they are. I just never bothered learning a lot of names for them. Hey, what color is this mattress thing we're laying on? I'd just call it 'red'.

"No, no... that's not red. Red is a primary color. This is more Maroon. Kind of a Light Maroon. Almost Brick, but not quite, because of the touch of blue in it."

Just... wow. You are so decorating our house someday. Millie knows her colors. I am in awe, I bow to your wisdom.

"Hee hee hee! I like that. That was really sweet, Sunshine."

Sweet? I don't understand.

"You said I was supposed to decorate our house someday. That just made me feel... like you have plans for us. It makes me feel wanted."

You are wanted. Goodness, I thought that was... yes. Yes, I want you. I want to stay with you when we go to Equestria. I want to be with you. I mean... if you do too, of course.

"Of course I do, silly. I liked you from the first time we met."

On the bathroom floor!

"Hee! Yeah, what a place to meet, huh?"

We're a strange pair, no doubt about it. Hey, Millie, was there anything you thought was really interesting when you first woke up?

"Hooves, obviously. And twitching my ears. I liked doing that. Yes! Just like that! Hee hee! And... well, I suppose for me the very first thing was my ears. I really liked being able to move them. Oh! Have you figured out how that's useful yet?"

I don't understand. Useful?

"Yes! You can zoom in on sounds with your ears!"

No. Way.

"Way! You're probably doing it without even thinking about it, but you can also do it deliberately, too. Just aim your ears together at something, like you would your eyes. Out there, beyond the door, you can sort of hear somepony talking. Try it. Focus your ears on that, through the door."

Alright, what the hay, I... oh my GOSH! I can hear them! It's... it's Daniel, the guy I met on my first day. He's saying something about being hungry, and wanting lunch to... and when I rotate my ears, it goes back to being a mumble. And clear again.... mumble... it is like focusing my eyes, only with my ears! So that's why ponies can move their ears all around! Wow! It's like having a brand new sense of hearing! This is soooo cool, Millie. I don't think I'll ever get tired of this.

Hey! I can... I can hear your heart if I aim right at your... front... part. Wow. My ears are super ears, at least in the direction I am pointing, anyway.

"That seems to be the trade off, actually. It's not quite as clear all around as it was human-style, but it is really clear when focused. It means you kind of have to scan a little more, rather than just depending on a general sort of everything-at-once hearing. If that makes any sense."

Actually, it does. I guess it's like hearing has a macula now. Not so sharp, but not bad, everywhere else, but really super sharp right where the ears point.

"Ooh! Try this. Try pointing one ear one way and the other another way."

You can do that?

"Yes! It's easy, try it!"

Um... alright, that's odd. Whoa. It works! I can hear from two directions super clear, and I can tell the directions, or... I can hear super-stereo in one direction when my ears are pointing the same place. That... that is so cool. Wow. These are the subtle, little things you never hear about. What else can our new bodies do?

"Well, touch is a little different. It kind of freaked me out a little bit at first."

How so?

"No fingers, right? And no exposed skin. So the only part that can feel things the way that our old human bodies sort of did is the lips and mouth and tongue. And a little bit on the nose. Everything else is covered with hair, which isn't bad, but it isn't the same, and there isn't that feeling like with hands. You were smart to feel my coat and stuff back when you still had hands. I wish I had done the same, I just didn't think of it."

Huh. Yeah, I guess that is different. Here, let me try touching your foreleg with mine... I can feel pressure, sort of, with my hoof, but the leg part... my lower leg thing? That is like... wow. That feels just like... that part is sort of my finger. And above it is the... well it's kind of like where my palm would be, only it doesn't feel like a palm at all. That still feels like a wrist, even though it doesn't bend the same way entirely. It only bends down, and not up. I used to bend this joint up as well as down, because the next part was my hand. Only now it's more leg. Oh, that's weird.

"When you were being converted, the doctor pony told me all about that. He described all your bones and things as they changed. That's the way it feels to me too."

Well, then that's one thing I guess we can clear up for anybody watching - what it's really like to have pony legs. I remember all the chat on the hypernet, right, all the stuff about legs bending the wrong way and stuff... it isn't like that at all, folks. My legs... all four of them... bend the right way. It's just that my front legs are... were... my arms, that's it. That's all there is to it. I can tell where my shoulder is, and my elbow and my wrist and my... hand, or at least the back of my hand, which is this leg part here, below my wrist, and then my finger, and it feels like my finger, only really strong and thick. And my hoof here is my fingernail. Only... it isn't thin. It's really solid and kind of heavy.

"And the frog!"

Frog? I have a frog?

"That's the Human name for it but... here, lift up your hoof and turn it over. Yes, like that, like you were going to look at the tip of a finger, that's it. Ok, see, how there is the big, thick nail thing, that's your hoof wall. But inside, inside the 'U' shape, that wrinkled, triangular looking bit, that's your frog. Try using your teeth on it - gently, now, it's flesh, right? but... see, what does that feel like?"

It... it kind of feels like... my fingertip, sort of. Only covered in really, really thick skin, or a glove, or something. But it's that sort of part. I guess it is, isn't it. Almost like right under the nail, or... so... my hoof really is one big finger.

"Dr. Candy said it was the middle finger."

Hee! That means that every time I lift my hoof... oh my. Well. It's a good thing Equestria has a different culture, huh? Hee hee hee!

"Hee hee! I know, right?"

So, for all of you out there, everything makes sense. It isn't like being all confused or anything. And back here, that is my knee. Wow, it's up high on my body. And my leg parts are different lengths than before, but they are still my leg parts. That's definitely my ankle, only it's really strong. And that... would you run your hoof over that... yes.. that feels just like the top of my foot, only it's the lowest segment of my leg. It's like my foot has become leg, below my ankle. And of course, my hoof is my toe, the nail on my toe.

We walk on our toes and fingertips. That's it. That's all there is to it. I know I can walk now, Millie. This totally makes sense.

"Do you want to try walking again, Sunshine?"

Yes! I do. I know I can get it this time. Doing this really helped. Everything just completely makes sense inside my head now. They should do this, seriously. Get newfoals to go over how all the parts feel, and relate them to the parts they had before, because they really are all the same. They aren't even changed that much. If I had to say what the really different things were, it would just be that the back of my hand is a leg segment, and my foot is a leg segment, and that's it. Everything else is pretty much the same.

Well, other than the fact that I only have one finger... toe... whatever at the end of each limb. That's a hoof, one finger. Or toe. Wow.

"Um... you're going to have to fold your wings if you want to try to walk. I really love having it draped over me like that, but I'm afraid to move, because I don't want to hurt you."

OK, THAT'S the weird one for me. As you couldn't help but notice, I ended up a pegasus. I have no idea how to be a pegasus, and these wings are freaking me out a little. Everything else makes sense for me. My legs... easy. The tail and ears come surprisingly natural. But the wings... they are not like little arms. Well, that's not exactly true. I guess they are like little arms but... they are not my arm... arms. In my brain, I mean. My arms... what was my arms... are my forelegs, there is no question in my brain about that. But wings are... more arms. Extra arms. It's like being one of those gods from India with all the arms or that guy from the old fighting games that had extra arms. Or the Barsoomian green warriors from the Edgar Rice Burroughs books.

I'm kind of having trouble with the wings. It isn't like 'Oh no! Extra arms!' so much as... well, OK, maybe it is a little like that. There is... it's like there is a new territory on the map of my body, inside my brain, right? And that new territory is there, and it makes sense, but... it's new and I haven't explored it yet. I feel a little like the millipede that could walk as long as it never looked at its thousands of legs. When I don't think about the fact I have wings, they work fine, but when I look at them and go, 'oh wow, WINGS!' I get kind of scrambled and... well.

See that stuttering thing going on, ow... that kind of hurts, actually, so I am just going to relax for a moment. Not think about them, not try to move them. It almost feels like they might cramp up on me. It's like something in me is fighting to move them in two directions at once when I... alright. They have relaxed now.

Whoa! See that. They just folded up. It's easy as pie as long as I don't overthink it. But... It's kind of exciting to have something new be a part of me, right? And wings are cool... but also kind of creepy for me. Now that's just me, but I don't know how to relate to the feathers. I am sure most pegasai just go, hey, wings, cool, and that is, as they say, that. But not me. The feathers feel weird. I mean really weird to me. And... look, look at that. The feathers, the long ones at the ends... wow that's weird, they rotate. They can kind of turn. I'm not exactly doing that. Well, I am, obviously, but it's also like due to my emotions or something too, and... it just feels strange.

I guess I'm just weird having trouble with this. It's just... OK. Here's the deal. I'm a pony, fine. I've got legs that make sense, and I've got a mane, and a tail, and hair, and I am a mammal, and that all makes sense. But then I've got wings. Like a bird. And that is strange to me somehow. I know how to take care of hair, just use shampoo, job done. I have no idea how I am supposed to take care of these things. How do I even clean them? What if they get plucked out or something? Do they just regrow, or what?

"Sunshine! You're overthinking things again. You'll get classes on all of this. Just like I get classes on being an earthpony. That's what we're here for, that's what the Bureau does. It's the whole point. I'm sure they'll teach you all about your feathers turning, and how to wash your wings, and all that stuff. That's basic care, right?"

Mmm. Yeah. I guess you're right. It would be pretty dumb if they didn't teach you stuff like that.

"And you should like your wings. I do. I think they are beautiful, and I liked you draping one over me. It made me feel all safe and cared for."

Yeah, I kind of liked it too. I'm sure I'll get used to having wings. It's just my first few hours being alive as a pony, anyway. Initial impressions, that sort of thing. I know what my problem is!

"What? What is it, Sunshine?"

With my legs and body, everything basically makes sense. Old sense, like from when I was human. Sort of. But the wings are new, really new, and I... I kind of feel like a baby, trying to learn how to walk with them. It's just that little feeling of struggle to learn something that some part of me feels like I should already know, only I kind of don't. It's weird, but that's what it feels like. Like I already know... or knew... how to use my wings, only... I had a stroke or something and I'm having to re-learn how to use them, only that doesn't make any sense because I never had any part of my human body that corresponded with wings, you know?

"Well, I can't know, not like that, but I can imagine. That must be pretty strange, I agree. But I know you will master it. Hey, I just had a thought."

What?

"Maybe... what if some part of your new brain does sort of already know how to use your wings? I mean you can fold them and spread them out just fine when you don't overthink it, right?"

Yeah... yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe I've just been fighting myself. Wouldn't be the first time for that. Hmmm. Maybe what I need to do is just... I don't know... LIKE my wings. Just kind of accept them, like them, and... sort of make friends with them. I know that sounds pretty silly but...

"No! It doesn't sound silly at all. I think it makes a lot of sense. You should welcome them as part of yourself. Make them part of yourself, by making friends with the idea of them. Let them just be normal."

Well, I'm stuck with them no matter what, so... hello wings! How ya doin? Glad to see you! You're really pretty! Hey, they are kind of pretty, aren't they?

"Oh yes! Of course they are! They're shiny, and the feathers are soft and lovely, Sunshine. Of course they're pretty!"

Yeah. Yeah, they're pretty. Pretty wings. Wings are cool. Wings are OK to have. They're a little strange, but, hey, I'm a little strange now, really. I'm a blue pony. That's fairly up there on the strange scale, you have to admit.

"No. I disagree."

Huh?

"This is us, now. This is everypony we'll ever meet, everypony we'll ever know, and it's becoming the whole of everypony that ever will be. In the end, the whole human race has to become ponies, right? So, this is us. This is what being a person is now. Now and forever more. So... if you think of it that way, then being a blue pony..."

Or a lovely, coppery earthpony...

"...is normal! Boring ordinary normal! Totally, dull, dull, boring everyday normal! Exactly!"

Huh. That is a kind of strange thing, isn't it? We are ponies, and that is the new normal. We can't even claim being lesbians, because Equestrian doesn't even have a word for that. So we aren't even queer, are we? We're just together, and that is the new normal, too. I've NEVER been normal before. I think that's the truly weirdest part of all of this!

"Hee hee!"

Heh... yeah. Hello everypony, I'm the face of the new normal. Ooh! Speaking of which, I haven't even seen my own face! I want to see what I look like. I'm gonna try to stand up now, OK?

"Alright. Do you want me to stay here, or move?"

Um... you'd better move, in case I stumble again. I don't think I will, but just in case. I don't want to fall on top of you.

"That wouldn't be ALL that bad... hee!"

Heh. That's sweet. But... I don't want to hurt you or anything, and I also don't want to trip either.

"Alright, Sunshine. I'm up... and out of the way. But I'll try to brace you if you start to topple."

Thank you. O...Kay. I can do this, because I know what all the parts are and what they do and that...

"You're overthinking. Just do it."

Yeah, yeah, you're right. Ok. Ahhh.... and... WHOO! That was really easy! I am standing! That was nothing! It was so easy!

"Hee! Your wings are flaring out in excitement, Sunshine!"

Wow, they are. I guess they do that. Hey, look at me move them. I can flap them... sort of. That is... so cool. Hey, at least I can fan myself if I get hot. That's something they're good for. And I could dust. I'll be good at housework, I guess. Sunshine Laughter, professional featherduster!

"Hee hee! Maybe you can be a maid at the castle in Canterlot!"

Ain't no way this pony is being anypony's maid, sister. No way, no how. So I guess I'll have to learn to fly, then. Later. Not today. Today, I walk, another day I fly.

I'm gonna try walking now, Millie. I'm just gonna do it. I'm on a mattress... thing... which isn't actually that good. I'd probably do better on the hard floor, come to think of it. At least it's a mattress on the floor, so that is something. A mat. I guess this is called a mat, not a mattress. Anyway, here goes. Just like a baby crawls, only on tippytoes.

"That's it, Sunshine. Yes! Yay! Very good!"

It was a little tricky getting off the mat, but I feel solid now, on the tile. I'm going to try to walk to the mirror on the door now. Just in case, could you...

"I'm right here, Sunshine. I'll do my best if you should fall."

Thank you again, Millie. Here we go. Hey, this isn't so tough. It's just exactly like crawling... kind of. Actually, it's easier. Wow. This is not nearly as hard as it's made out to be. It's actually pretty easy. Huh. I'm kind of surprised.

"Why?"

Because on the hypernet there's all this stuff about how hard it must be for a newfoal to walk and crap. But... it really isn't. Things make sense. I don't know why I had trouble a while ago.

"You were still groggy from the medicine. That's what makes newfoals stumble. You've had time to rest and get used to yourself. Sometimes I think they try to get them walking too soon. Maybe it's better to just get to lie there for a while. You got to because I told Dr. Candysmiles that I would watch you and help you. I think he expected me to Drill Sargent you into walking immediately, but I just wanted to cuddle. I think it worked out better."

I do too. Hey, protip everypony: when you get converted, make sure you have a lovely lover beside you to cuddle with and take your time. Walk when you're ready and not a moment before. And... also, remember that all the parts are the same, only... you walk on your tippytoes. Piece of cake. I'm almost disappointed because it's not very dramatic to just up and... OH MY... THAT'S ME! THAT'S ME IN THE MIRROR!

"Yes! Look at that pretty pony in the mirror, Sunshine! Isn't she adorable?"

Not as adorable as a certain coppery earthpony I know... I think her name was Helen, or Louise, or Bob or something. She lives miles from here and...

"You big silly meany pegasus!"

Hee hee hee! Oh, gosh, look at that! That's me! That is my face. That... pony in the mirror... is me. I have violet eyes. Wow. That is something. And eyelashes. Long ones. I can really bat those things around! There's my ears! Wow, they are taller than they felt. And my hair... I mean my mane. I guess straight hair isn't so bad. GRRRRR... really nice teeth AHHH GRRRR... BLAAAAA... huh. My tongue just looks like tongue. I don't know what I expected. It's kind of an odd color, but not that different. LGAAAA....GLG... It sure is long though. Wow. That is almost creepy.

Let's see... up close... it's kind of weird having a coat of short hair all over my face. It stops at the edge of my lips. Blue hair. It comes in different lengths, doesn't it? Really tiny and short near my lips and eyes... but longer here on my... what's the front here? My neck? My... I don't have breasts anymore... well not there, anyway. My chest, I guess. Where are my... between the legs, right? They're real tiny. I can barely even see them. I'm totally flat!

"It isn't like in humans, Sunshine. Our breasts are flat and tiny until we actually need them. Then they swell up, but only if we get pregnant. Other than that, they stay really small. And once we don't need them to feed a foal anymore, they go back to being small again."

So... stealth teats, is that it? Transformer teats. I guess it's efficient, but what do we... well, show off, you know?

"Well... um... there are... ways. There's stuff. Don't worry about that now. Ponies have their own ways of showing their sexiness off, don't you worry."

OK, I'll take your word for it for now. Ooh, I like swinging my tail, I gotta see my bootie. Just turn around here... hey, oh, yeah, baby has back! Look at that booooootayyy! Yes, howdy! We definitely get pert little bottoms, no two ways around that. What the? Oh, Ok, huh.... that's... that's my...

"Yes, it is. And I remind you that the holocorder is on. You might want to..."

TAIL DOWN! Um, you all didn't see that. You saw nothing out there, understood? That didn't happen. Arggh. Oh.... uh.... um... fooey. I kinda forgot myself there. It's all so new, you know? Oh. Uh oh.

"What is it, Sunshine?"

I, uh, well... I kind of have to use the little ponies room, and... I don't even have a clue what to do!

"Come on. I'll take you. It's super easy, but I'll show you. Here, let's turn off the 'corder for now and

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"Don't worry about it, Sunshine. It happened to me, too."

Yeah, but... I should have realized that... no, I mean... how is anypony supposed to realize they pee from there? I mean seriously, I tried to keep my tail out of the stream but...

"It's because everything is higher up and farther back. You really have to lift your tail, sure. But you also have to move it to the side. I tried to tell..."

I know, I know, it isn't your fault. You did your best, I just wasn't coordinated enough or something. Fortunately the shower is right there, and that took care of that, but I guess I just feel a little embarrassed. I really should have paid attention to that cartoon about the Parts Of The Pony, and learned my own body. I feel so stupid for that.

"Oh, Sunshine, you just had a lot of human baggage, that's all. Here, stop a moment. Ok. Now think, or rather feel. Feel inside yourself. I know you were all brave and admitted you like cartoons, before, even though you were ashamed of that fact. Now, tell me, how do you feel now about cartoons, and about how you reacted back then?"

Well... I love them. I've always loved them. Who wouldn't, cartoons are fun! And they're art, because real ponies worked on them. Well, humans, but still. And as for me... I just don't understand... why I thought I should hide that love. I was really silly, wasn't I? I don't feel any shame at all. I like cartoons, and... cute things... and bright, happy, silly things... and I always have, only now... I don't care who knows. In fact, if anything, I just want to talk about such things. I'm... proud of the fact that I like them. Huh. That's really different.

My dad, he wanted me to be a big corporate woman someday. Or at least be a successful twoper. And... there is no room in that for liking anything if it isn't practical and sensible. So I learned to be ashamed of anything simple, or cute, or silly, or... fun, really. Fluffy. My dad hated 'fluffy thinking'. But now... all of that just seems silly and dumb. Fun things are what is important. It isn't like I need to be anything or do anything super important. I just need to be happy and make friends and... be. Just be... me. A pony.

"Exactly! All the pressure is gone, isn't it? There will always be food, and always be shelter, and somepony will always help if you are in trouble, and the only ambition is to be... nicer that yesterday, if you can be. That's a worthwhile ambition, I think."

It is such a huge difference in worldview. My goodness. I can't believe how different I feel inside about all of that stuff now. I feel... light. I feel like this huge stone has been taken off of me. I just need to be a nice little pony. That's all anypony needs to be. Everything else is just fun. And I want to be a nice little pony. I don't feel bitter, I don't feel angry, I don't... I don't feel a lot of negative things.

That actually kind of scares me a little. I think some of my self definition was based on anger. On the things I was angry about. But... that's all gone now. I feel a little like I don't know who I am anymore. Like... am I still me or not?

"Of course you're still you. You're just you without all the anger and pain and bitterness. Now you get to discover and meet the you that is happy and glad and open to others. I think you'll find, like I did, that that you is a much better you than you could ever have imagined."

I do... feel like that. I... I just feel like... things are nice. Like... like I'm nice. I've never felt 'nice' before.

"It was even bigger for me. Because of my past, with Razor, and everything. I like feeling nice. I like feeling like a good pony who only wants to do and be good things. I like that feeling a lot."

Oh... my gosh. Oh.... goodness. I've just realized something.

"What, Sunshine?"

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Just a moment... I think someponies at the door. Ah... COME IN?

"Hello! I understand we have a new pegasus today?"

Oh, yes! Hello! That would be me. I was converted today. Just this morning. I'm Sunshine. Sunshine Laughter, and this is my friend, Millie.

"Hello!"

"Hello there! I'm Snowdancer, from Scheduling. I have a new schedule here for you, Sunshine. This is a specialized schedule of classes for pegasai. Pegasai need special training in flight and in cloudwalking, cloudshaping, and other pegasus skills. I really recommend you attend these classes during your stay here at the Bureau. All three kinds of ponies have their own special skills and it is important to know what makes you, as a pegasus, special.

"Here you go, this lists all the important classes and their times, as well as the general classes. The general classes for everypony are still useful and I do recommend them, of course.

"So, are you happy? Are you adjusting alright? Any concerns at all?"

Um... I'm... I'm really happy, actually! I really am! I think I'm adjusting OK... It's a little strange to have wings, but I'm making friends with them. Hello wings! See! Happy wings! and... I guess my only concern was just addressed by my friend, Millicent here, so...I'm a... I'm a happy little pony!

"Well! It certainly seems that way, from that big smile. I'll leave you two to your day, then. If you have any questions about the schedule, or anything about the classes, just come see me. I'm on the second floor in the offices, Snowdancer, just ask for me. Have a good day, then. Ooh, it's almost lunch!"

Thank you! And bye! Well, she seemed really nice, didn't she?

"Hee hee.... hee..."

What's so funny?

"I was just thinking about the other day, when we were up in the offices and you were all like 'I want to see somepony in charge' and 'Grrrr, Grrrr ROWF!'"

Oh... my. I feel so bad about that now. Oh gosh. I... maybe I should go say I'm sorry. I was really being bad, back then, wasn't I?

"Oh, oh, I'm sorry Sunshine. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I just thought it was funny, the difference, that's all. Back then you were a human. That isn't you. You're a pegasus now. It's just different, that's all."

I... guess it is. I was going to say, before Snowdancer knocked on the door.... I was going to say that I've noticed a difference too.

"What, what difference?"

Well, in all of this time, I haven't sworn once. I haven't wanted to. It just hasn't even entered my mind. And that's weird, because I am so used to swearing all the time. But... it just isn't necessary. It.. I guess it never really was.

"I kind of think it was necessary. You were in a lot of pain, I could see that from the moment we met. It was there, under the jokes and the running around all Now! Now! Now! I think maybe you needed to swear a lot back then."

I don't seem to need to now. I don't feel like I did. I just feel... well, kind of happy, kind of glad, kind of grateful, and not at all sad. Hee!

"That was awesome, Sunshine! I didn't know you could do poetry."

I didn't either. It was 'fluffy thinking', according to my dad. Oh! Snowdancer said it was nearly lunch! It will be my First Meal As A Pony, won't it?

"Yes! Yes it will!"

Oh, wow! How much time is it until...

GONGGGGGG

It's LUNCH! Oh, Millicent, please, let's go right now! I get to sit at the pony table as a pony! I can't wait! First Meal As A Pony!

"I'm excited too, Sunshine! I can't wait to see you try all the wonderful pony foods! You have to try hay, seriously, it's great!'

I can't wait! I've got a brand new mouth, and I want to use it on brand new foods!

"After you, guest of honor First Meal As A Pony pegasus!"

Oh, Millie... I... I feel like a foal again! I just... the whole world just feels like wonder right now. Thank you. Thank you so much.

"Sun... Sunshine? Oh... I like you too. Awww.... hee... now. Let's go try some tasty new foods, alright?"

Alright!

Day Four: Schooled Lunch

Attention Citizen: Doctors agree that deaccess from the world hypernet can cause distress, symptoms of withdrawal, and irritability. Failure to comply with the mandatory requirement of redistribution to one (1) secondary non-attached infosink will lead to penalties of up to six (6) hours of deaccess from the hypernet. It is strongly recommended that you comply with the mandatory requirement. Crosscheck reveals that you have 7.69 hours remaining to avoid censure.

GOING PONY

Day Four: Schooled Lunch
By Sunshine Laughter