Oh Will Helm!

by RF and AG

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 1794

Private Will Helm is known around the Royal Guard for his screaming. What they don't know is that he is also known for facing the ridiculous situations.

*Based off this Omake Chapter from my Metro crossover.

Private Will Helm and Of the Fallen Squad have seen their share of stupid and ridiculous situations in the past. They have usually been one of the first to find the aftermath of weird situations in Ponyville but now they come face to face with something that will put their sanity to the test; The Multiverse. They will face the silly situations that only Discord could have imaged. Follow the story of Will Helm and Hammerhead Squad at your own risk for things are about to go off the deep end.

This story has been rated W for What the Formaldehyde. It may contain scenes of excessive Jimmy Rustling, Strong Language, Instances of Insanity, Violent Pornography and Violence against Klondike bars.

Viewer Discretion is Strongly Recommended.

Will Helm and his squad as it is will have limited descriptors since the Willhelm scream is universal. I want you, the reader, to envision a pony doing the Willhelm scream. That is the pony who you will be seeing through this. Names will be given but that is all.

This is a story of randomness. There is no editor to this for it would drive them insane. Expect the most random ideas from VasQwibQwib and I.

Published 2013-09-02 00:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-02 00:40:01 UTC

Will Helm vs. Sharks

        “So… what exactly are we doing here, Sergeant Slaughter?” Will Helm spoke with a slightly nervous twinge. The cold air of Northern Equestria biting each soldiers exposed fur. They had been trudging for hours after leaving the training station in the Crystal Empire.

        “Sharks.”

        Sergeant Slaughter’s quick reply made the entire group freeze in place. They didn’t care about weather anymore, they were too shocked at their commanding NCO’s reply. It was an earth pony guard named Arm’n Hammer that spoke up.

        “Are you fucking kidding me?! Sharks?! Did Blueblood send us on this mission or something? Cause if he did then I’m just going to walk to that snow bank and become a goddamned polar bear!”

        “Listen here Private, these orders come from all the way at the top. This is beyond Blueblood’s level. Top brass sent their best soldiers on a mission about sharks and we will do our mission even if it chops off two of our legs, leaving us to freeze in this icebox while it goes and watches a new episode of Family Stallion before sending a rather well written out editorial about the nations lack of dental plan for non-existent beings! Do you understand?!” The Sergeant was posed on top of a small cliff of ice in front of the soldiers. He was standing on top of a barrel that was lying on its side. One of his hind legs was on the barrel while the other on the snow and both of his front legs were pushing somewhat at his sides. The cliff was only a couple of meters higher than the squad but it still loomed over them.

        “Where did that ledge come from?” The pegasus guard Uber Clean whispered to the earth pony guard Ash Ketchup.

        “I don’t know, it was flat just a moment ago!”

        Will Helm raised a hoof into the air, “Umm, sir. Why are you standing like Captain Morgan? You know he copyrighted that stance right?”

        Before anypony could blink, Slaughter had his right foreleg wrapped around Will Helm’s withers. The other hoof was pressed against Will helm’s lips. “Shhh, he doesn’t need to know. As long as no pony squeals, I’ll avoid a lawsuit.”

໔໔໔໔

        A pair of binoculars were resting, on a bipod, on top of the peak of the Crystal Palace’s tallest spire. Behind them stood a pony with a red overcoat and golden buckles over top of a white undershirt. A blue cape flew in the breeze behind him, a times nearly taking off his red Pirate Hat. he stood much like the Sergeant, including standing on a barrell, did but with a certain ease as if he had done it countless times before.

        “Aha! Another lawsuit in the making! No one steals my pose and doesn’t pay me my dues!” Captain Morgan exclaimed while brandishing a sword.

        Unfortunately the overly complex swishing methods he was using the sword for, set his balance off. The Crystal flooring was not great for placing a barrel on in the first place. The barrel under him was sent flying, followed by Captain Morgan tumbling forward and off the side off the spire.

        Throughout the Crystal Kingdom, a somewhat girly shriek could be heard emanating from a single pony falling off the top of the Palace. In a matter of seconds, the pony smacks face first into the hard pavement covered road.

A pony shape indent was made in the ground, in the exact place that Captain Morgan hit the ground. A few moments later, his head rose above the impact crater; eyes swirling in circles to catch up with the rest of the world.

A sole, non crystal, pony moved over to the dazed pony. Not a word was said until the helpful pony looked to his right, just in front of the crater. There, a single undamaged barrel sat. No crater, no dents, not a single indication that the barrel fell from the spire.

“Fucken barrels,” he mutters. “Can’t trust ‘em. Can’t trust a single one.”

“You have to let it go, Pew. There was nothing you could have done to help Stephano. He is in a better place.” Another pony spoke up while joining Pew, who continued to stare down the barrel.

“Geez thanks, Mean Joe!”

The pony named mean Joe walked away slowly, passing the still dazed Captain Morgan. Getting no farther than a few meters away, Mean Joe stopped. “Hey Colt. Catch.”

With that he threw the jersey he was wearing at Pew. The pony leaped up and caught the jersey in his right hoof.

໔໔໔໔

Of the Fallen squad continued on their trek to confront the apparent sharks in Northern Equestria. The cold snow barely affecting them, aside from Will Helm who seemed to be carrying a pile of snow the size of Sergeant who was nowhere to be seen.

“Sergeant, why are you riding on top of me and not, you know, walking with us?” Will Helm questioned.

“Have you no sense Will Helm? An officer must always ride his steed into battle! It is the rule of the Red Coat Army!” The giant snow pile didn’t move an inch yet somehow spoke.

“The Red Coat Army sir?”

“Precisely! Now you are learning, Will Helm. The sooner you understand, Will Helm, the sooner I can stop giving a fuck about you.”

The single file line of soldiers suddenly came to stop as their Point Pony fell backwards, rubbing his nose. “Phound somting sir!”

“Excellent work, Pony Spock!” The long eared pegasus pony gave a salute before returning to rubbing his nose. Sergeant Slaughter hopped off the back of Will Helm, trotting up to the front of the group. “Now what could it be hmm? How could we even tell with all this snow?”

A female guardspony rose her hoof, “Umm sir, we could always just cast a heat shield to allow us to clear any excess snow.”

“Hmm,” Sergeant started up while tapping the solid object he could barely see. “Is Cialis right for you? I think we should try it! Cialis, cast a heat shield! Will Helm, help her cast the shield”

“Yes sir,” Cialis and Will Helm grumbled while igniting their horns. A quick blast of heat grew from the two ponies, encompassing the rest of the group before exploding outward. The blast continued on for a short distance before dissipating. For simply no reason at all, the snow stopped coming down. This left what Pony Spock had bumped into, visible in front of the rest.

“Are those sharks? Encased in ice?” Arm’n Hammer spoke up.

“It looks to be just that, Private.” Sergeant Slaughter spoke up while running his hoof over the block of ice.

“This is completely illogical! There is no way that sharks could have been encased in an sheet of ice this far north. Sharks have never existed anywhere outside of the Southern Ocean.”

Ash Ketchup slowly turned his head to look at Pony Spock, his eyes wide with his right eyelid twitching. “But, Pony Spock! Snow is frozen water! The science is completely sound! Haven’t you heard?”

“That the bird is the word?” Will Helm spoke up.

“No, Will Helm! No! You don’t get to speak now! Your speaking rights have been revoked! If I hear one word out of your mouth I will pick you up and let that frozen shark eat you for a mid morning snack!” Uber Clean spoke while pointing a hoof at Will Helm.

“But it’s 3 p.-”

“That does it!” With that Uber Clean launched himself at Will Helm. His hoofs somehow wrapping completely around the pony’s neck.

“Aaaiieeeeee!” Will Helm screamed before losing his voice due to being strangled.

“While Private Clean is strangling Will Helm, do go on with what you were saying Ash.”

“Thank you, Sergeant. Now, long ago there was a legend about three deadly forces. Forces that were rumoured to be more deadly than Discord, Celestia, Luna, The One Ring, and a box of Cheerios put together. Those forces were known as The Sharknado, The Sharkalanche, and the Three Headed Flying Octoshark. If any of these three forces were released, than the world as we know it will end.”

“Right you are, Ash Ketchup!” The voice came from above the massive ice sheet. Standing on top of said ice sheet was non-other than Pony Cobra Commander. The fully black armoured and helmed pony stood looking off into the distance. “It seems that Celestia has sent her best to find me. Alas, you are too late Of the Fallen Squad! Within minutes the Sharkalanche will be released onto Equestria! Mwuahahaha!”

“I told you the science was sound Pony Spock! It was sound!”

All of a sudden, a loud roar of a motor came behind them. Of the Fallen Squad looked up, even Uber Clean who was still strangling Will Helm. Above the squad flew a massive green machine that looked a little bit like a plane with wings and was mixed with a helicopter. On the side of the plane was a logo that had the name G.I. Pony Joe and was the colour of the Equestrian flag. Underneath the wings were a set of tubes carrying something that would most likely exploded upon contact with something else.

“Not today, Pony Cobra Commander!” A distinctive male voice spoke up over a set of loudspeakers. With that five of the tubes fired off a volley of their explosives. The impact with the ice sheet caused everything in front of Of the Fallen Squad to blow up. Yet not a single pony was harmed for the explosion soon collapsed within itself.

There, where the Sharkalanche stood, was nothing but more snow and an empty field. A distinctive chopping sound came from the squad’s left. In the distance a black helicopter looking helicopter flew off. The G.I. Pony Joe plane thing flew around a few more times, a voice coming from the loudspeaker.

“And remember kids, don’t do drugs! Drugs are bad for you, m’kay?” Without a second thought the plane flew off into the direction it came, leaving Of the Fallen Squad to sit and stare at the scene that had been played out in front of them.

Sergeant Slaughter jumped onto Will Helm’s back, who Uber Clean had finally given up strangling. Will Helm almost collapsed under the sudden weight. “Well gang, it seems that this mystery has been solved! Who wants a barrel of Captain Morgan’s rum? Will Helm is paying!”

With that the squad headed back the way they came, each of them talking as though nothing had just happened. None of them heard the faint shout in the distance.

“Fucken barrels! I’ll get you if its the last thing I do!”