My Little Ranma: Friendship is Dissonant

Chapters

A Day in the Life
Where in the world am I now!?
How'd you like them apples?

A Day in the Life

My Little Ranma - Friendship is Dissonant
Chapter 1
A Day in the Life

My surroundings are quiet save for the sounds of a gentle breeze stirring the dust across the vacant construction lot. Twenty metres separate me from my opponent, a mere skip for a martial artist of my calibre. Who am I? Ranma Saotome, heir to the School of Anything Goes Martial Arts and I'm the best there is at what I do.

The guy I'm facing off against is Ryoga Hibiki. He and I go a way back - all the way back to a bread feud back in early high school. That's over seven years ago and old Ryoga the pig-boy still hasn't gotten over it. Oh yeah, pig-boy is actually a pig - well - he is if you get him wet with cold water. He got cursed when I knocked him into a cursed spring in China, but it's the idiot's fault It happened to him in the first place. Who the hell chases someone for an honour duel across Japan, and to China over a piece of curry bread?

Ryoga really is a pig in mind, spirit and sometimes body - his sheer stubbornness knows no bounds. Me - yeah, I got cursed there as well, I turn into one of the best looking girls you'll ever see, but I'm all man, even when I'm a girl got it? The curse kinda blows, cold water makes me a girl, hot water a guy, but we're talking only body here - there's no way you'll get me into any of that frou frou stuff you hear?

In any case, I'm getting pretty bored here. Pig-boy seems to be relishing this fight for some reason. I can't see why - I've come out on top at the end of every fight we've had to date, even on the occasions in which he has some sort of kooky magical gizmo to give him a boost. He's used quite a few of them over the years; he might temporarily get the better of me down on occasion, but I always get him in the end.

Ryouga's finally speaks! "Ranma, for insulting Akane's cooking and refusing to be her taste tester, I challenge you to this duel! After I defeat you, apologise to her and eat whatever she gives you till the competition!"

A stupid reason for a fight if you ask me. Did I mention before he's pig headed? Akane Tendo is my fiancée off an arrangement her old man and mine made back before we were born. This was supposedly to join our two schools of martial arts together, but there's only one martial artist in the equation, and it's not her.

As a martial artist Akane doesn't bring much to the table other than gorilla like strength and a temper like you'd never believe. She's a flat chested, uncute, short legged tomboy, whose charm may only be in her smile, not that I get to see that much at all given the fact that we get on like oil and water. To top it all off, I can't get away from her as my old man and I are staying at their dojo.

Anyway, my tomboy fiancée has entered one of those tv cooking competition shows, along with my two other fiancées, Ukyou and Shampoo. Apparently they want to declare before the nation which one of them will be the best wife for me. Don't ask about the other engagements, there's long story there, but it just shows how irresistible I am.

To prepare for the competition, Akane has decided to practice her cooking, and guess who's the test subject? Most guys would relish the thought of a girl cooking for them, but they haven't tried Akane's stuff. Seriously, most of her cooking is like toxic waste and there's no way on earth you'd want to eat it after trying one bite.

Akane is her usual supportive self of my cause when it comes to my fights with Ryouga. Apparently she is here as an impartial witness to our duel. "Ranma, this fight is all your fault! Don't you dare pick on poor Ryouga!" she shouts to me.

On hearing this, Ryouga's eyes gain a sparkle to them and he raises a fist heavenwards as he makes a declaration, "Don't worry Akane, I'm going to teach him how to act around a lady! Today Ranma, you face crushing defeat as the very luck of the gods is with me!"

I take a closer look at Ryouga and notice that he's wearing a pendant around his neck. It seems like it's some sort of gold coin with a horseshoe imprinted on it, and it's attached to a chain. No doubt he's just had a few lucky coincidences that he's chosen to attribute to it. Nothing to it, I'll just beat him up, take the "charm" and hawk it off at the pawn shop - heaven knows I could do with some cash.

Ryouga's eyes flash as he dashes forward to attack me. I don't notice a change from his usual berserker style - rapid, broad, and powerful swinging punches with minimal focus at all on defence. One would think that Ryouga would be easy to put down with my level of training, but his style is deceptive. He is capable of switching to quicker styles and does so on occasion, and I'll grudgingly admit he can take quite a beating as well. Trying for a counter and knocking him out in one hit is a trap many fall into - a blow that would at least stun most people barely registers to him, and if you're not ready, he'll simply floor you with his monstrous strength after you hit him.

I keep my distance from him, forcing him to attempt to close the distance. It is far easier for me to parry and dodge Ryouga's kicks than to allow him an exchange with fists and is frustrating for him to no end. If I keep it up for long enough then he'll try and taunt me into closing.

"Curse you Ranma! Stand still and take your punishment like a man! Or are you too much of a girl to face me head on!"

He's sure like clockwork today. Time to wind him up a little with a counter taunt, "Are you sure the luck of the gods are with you? Looks more like bad luck to me! You're so slow today, even Akane could dodge you!"

"Raaaaaaanma!", growls a glaring Akane from the side. Whoops, I keep forgetting that Akane thinks she's a better martial artist than she actually is.

"How dare you insult both of us! Prepare to die Ranma!", cries Ryouga as he makes another charge at me.

Visibly riled, his punches are just a fraction sloppy - there is a lot more power to them, but are a tiny fraction overextended. Seeing the advantage coming my way, I accept his challenge for a close in exchange, and I use my superior speed to put a few quick blows in before we disengage from each other.

To my satisfaction, I come out of the exchange with only a few spots where my arms might bruise a little, but Ryouga hasn't fared as well. I managed to slip a few hits around his face, and he grins at me as he wipes a small trickle of blood from a corner of his mouth with the back of a hand.

"As weak as ever Ranma! Your punches are like featherlight touches!", scoffs Ryouga.

"And you still have the speed and grace of a fattened pig! I could have read a whole manga in the time I had to dodge some of your punches!" I retort.

It seems Ryouga is more unhinged than usual today as he charges me with a battle cry, and an angry red hot battle aura visible for all to see.

Perfect.

I let him close into range for punches, maintaining a cold calm aura as I deflect or evade his blows whilst leading him through the spiral steps for one of my favourite moves. As I draw near the end of my spiral, a feint to his face allows me to snatch the pendant from Ryouga. With my target acquired, I throw up an uppercut that is nowhere close to hitting him.

The hot and cold auras spiral together as a roaring dragon of ki begins to ascend upwards, carrying Ryouga with it. I shout the name of the technique to increase the focus and power of the spiral, "Hiryu shoten ha!"

With that, the dragon of ki buffets Ryouga upwards and away from me. I survey my surroundings - collateral damage has been minimal which means my control over the technique is increasing. On the first occasion I executed this move, I had little control over the ki tornado that formed and required an extremely large spiral. These days I don't need much of one, only an opponent with a sufficiently hot battle aura. I guess Ryouga hasn't picked up on that yet, even though he helped me with training for the technique.

Watching Ryouga fly into the distance, I stuff my hands into my pockets along with the pendant, and start walking back to the Tendo Dojo.

I call out, "Yo Akane! I'm heading back now, it's close to dinnertime. Ryouga's probably gotten lost after that move, and he won't be back for a few days. I'm not staying here to wait for him, he can have another rematch next time he comes by the dojo."

My good mood at getting rid of Ryouga quickly allows me the grace to not rub in the fact that I'm not honour bound to eat Akane's cooking after winning the duel.

The walk back to the dojo takes the best part of fifteen minutes, and most of those are spent bickering with Akane. Thankfully I manage to avoid triggering Akane's temper, and we arrive at the dojo with a distinct lack of bodily harm on my person. Maybe there is something to this pendant after all, I'm feeling pretty good right now.

Akane shouts out, "We're home!" as we take our shoes off in the entryway.

We hear "Welcome home!" from the kitchen; it sounds as though Akane's eldest sister Kasumi has been cooking. Things are looking on the up and up as it seems unlikely that Akane will have a chance of cooking tonight.

Kasumi calls out to me, "Ranma, you should go and wash up after your day! You must be dusty! Dinner should be ready after you're done."

Dutifully, I head off to the furou to wash up. I'm pretty compliant with Kasumi's requests when it comes close to dinner time, as her cooking is divine as Akane's is toxic. If I did otherwise, she could allow Akane to "assist" with my portion of dinner as payback.

I quickly wash up, enduring a change to my female form as I scrub down in cold water - this is followed by a soak in the hot water of the furou, changing me back to normal. These days I hardly notice the changes in form as I have now lived with the Jusenkyou curse for a few years but it still vexes me that a manly man like me is afflicted so.

Kasumi's timing is perfect as I hear her call, "Dinner's ready!" as I leave the furou. As I take my position at the dining table, I see Akane, Kasumi and the middle sister Nabiki are present, but noticeably absent are Mr. Tendo and my old man.

Noticing my searching glances, Kasumi offers an explanation before I ask. "Father and Uncle Genma have gone out training with grandfather Happosai tonight."

"More like drinking," snipes Nabiki.

"Now, now, Nabiki," admonishes Kasumi.

"At least we're not going to be fighting over food tonight," I mutter. Cheerfully, I shout out "Itadakimasu!" as I start digging into my rice and help myself to servings of grilled fish, fried chicken, and deep fried tofu.

The sisters start talking over dinner about how their day has gone, with gossip about neighbours, friends, and school rumours being their main areas of interest. I promptly tune out of the conversation, and concentrate on enjoying my dinner as it's a rare occasion that I can eat without some sort of interruption from either my old man or Mr. Tendo.

Unfortunately, Akane chooses to include my day as a topic of conversation. "Ranma and I bumped into Ryouga today! I told him about my entry into the cooking show, and Ryouga tried to defend my cooking in a duel with Ranma!"

"Good going there, Saotome," quips Nabiki.

"Wasn't my choice," I mutter.

"Well, Ryouga wouldn't have to do these things if you just do what I ask!" fumes Akane.

"Yeah, yeah," I reply, disinterested, as I take out the pendant and have a look at it. The pendant has a part that looks like a coin with a horseshoe imprinted on one side, and on the other, there are two winged horse thingies with horns chasing each other in a yin yang arrangement. One of them seems to be chasing a sun, the other, a crescent moon.

I hold the pendant up to my face by the chain, and can't resist the urge to spin the coin on it. As it spins, I feel a small amount of energy emanate from it, a strange mix of ki and magic.

"Ranma, what's that?" asks Akane.

"It's the pendant Ryouga misplaced in our little tussle today," I reply.

Curious, I feed a little more ki into the pendant as I spin it a little more quickly. More of the energy I sensed before radiates out and I sense that one is golden, and the other is cobalt.

"Looks like it's gold Saotome," comments Nabiki.

Feeling brave and foolhardy, I gather a ball of ki in my right hand, and keep the pendant close to my face with the other.

"You might be right there Nabiki! Say, how many lab monkeys can we buy with this if it's pure gold? I think we need as many as we can get to test Akane's cooking." I tease, as I prepare to spin the coin while infusing my ki into it.

The moment I start, I hear an enraged battle cry from Akane, and feel the familiar blunt trauma of the dining table meeting the back of my head. As I start careening face first towards the floor, the energy I felt earlier coalesces into a visible rainbow. The rainbow light washes over me, and as my head forms the filling in a floor and table sandwich, the last thing I hear as my world goes white is...

"Ranma you idiot!"

Even with my eyes clenched tightly, I am blinded by white light and feel lightheaded, but the rest of me feels compressed. I'm certainly reeling a bit from the impact this time, good old Akane has done a good job of flattening me with the dining table. My disorientation continues for a good ten to twenty seconds before my vision suddenly clears and I can see my surroundings.

The first thing I realise is that I'm fifty feet in the air at night, falling head first towards a large pond in the bottom of a gorge. My body feels as though it is being electrocuted, and with my limbs locked up, there is nothing I can do to make my upcoming dive graceful in anyway. I count the moments down, resigned to a nasty entry as the surface of the pond quickly fills my vision.

Hitting the water feels like someone bludgeoning across my cheek with an ice mallet, and as my whole body submerges under the water, movement returns to my limbs. Kicking hard, I break the surface of the water, and take a large gulp of air. As I tread water, I immediately sense wrongness with my body.

Taking quick stock of myself, it looks like my hands have been replaced with hooves, and my neck is way longer. My immediate thought is of yet another curse in my life, this time, an animal one.

Mentally sighing, I awkwardly wade to the edge of the pond and start dragging myself out of the water. As I do so, the universe displays its love for me as something small, heavy, and blunt hits me on the top of my head and bounces onto dry ground.

Muttering curses, I glance at the offending object and see it is the pendant that has been the cause of this whole mess.

Hold on. I can talk?

I'm not aware of any Jusenkyou curses that turns its victim into a talking animal so what's happened to me is outside of my previous experience. Getting out of the pond feels odd -as I attempt to stand on four limbs, it feels as though I'm getting up on my middle fingers and toes - I stumble the first few times before I gain my feet and balance. Once I am standing, I take stock of my form, firstly by craning my head around, and then looking at my reflection in the moonlit pond.

What I see is an equine shape I've never encountered before. A short stubby body, short legs, and a disproportionately large head, with eyes the size of dinner plates. My pigtail has carried over to my red mane and tail. The light of the moon doesn't allow me to discern my exact colouring, but it seems to me that my fur is a light colour. The strange part is that I'm still wearing my usual Mandarin collared top with frog ties - it covers over the front half of my body, while my pants have gone. On my rump is some weird brand thing consisting of a horseshoe with the first kanji for my name inside the horseshoe. Magic does weird things - I just shrug this off as something similar to how Ryouga loses all his clothes but ends up with his bandanna as a neckerchief when he turns into a pig.

I look between my hind legs and I find out one some bad news - I'm a mare. Typical of my luck I suppose. I spend the next few minutes getting used to my equine body; working out how to walk, canter, and then gallop, followed by attempting to get the hang of standing on hind legs only. That one takes a lot longer, but I'm motivated by the fact that both my old man, and Ryouga were able to stand on hind legs in their animal forms and fight as martial artists.

A short while later, I am satisfied with my progress. I am able to stand on hind legs only, and can manage a fair few of my daily katas. During my training period, I discover a few interesting things about this body - the limbs have a far greater range of motion than what I thought was possible on an equine, and that I could hold things on the base of my fore hooves. Holding stuff there was just weird though, it's kind of like the way my old man does his signs when he's in his curse panda form.

Confident about my basic abilities, I move onto ki techniques. I start off with simple channeling into my muscles to improve strength and speed, then onto the chestnut fist, a technique that allows me to punch very rapidly. My techniques involving ki all seem to work in this body, but I notice that the flows are a little different, it seems that I can draw from my surroundings if I concentrate.

One technique I've picked up is folding up stuff into a ki storage space using the Hidden Weapon School of martial arts. It's a pretty handy skill, as it allows me to carry around more than I should without being encumbered. It's not infinite storage - I can manage about as much as a large backpack before I find the technique's drain on my ki reserves annoying. I take stock of what I have on hand - a tent, sleeping bag, canteen, wallet, and kettle. Enough weird stuff happens in my life that I pretty much have these things on hand at all times.

I fill the kettle with water from the stream feeding the pond and gather wood that's strewn around the bottom of the gorge. Starting a fire with hooves is a little awkward, but I'm awesome enough that it's no great trouble. Once the water is sufficiently hot enough I pour it over my head.

Nothing happens.

Well, nothing happens other than my head getting drenched again. So whatever magic has turned me into this equine, is stronger than Jusenkyou. If I could get hold of this magic and control it I can finally be free of my curse!

With great enthusiasm, I just about prance over to the discarded pendant. As I pocket it, I have another look at it. The two horse thingies emblazoned on one side of the coin might be the ones responsible for this magic. Nothing to it, I'm just going to have to go and find them or their owner and get them to do some magic for me. I gather up my things and store them away in my ki space.

Looking around the gorge, I can see the sides are a bit too sheer to climb up in my current form. Further downstream, the stream drops off another sheer cliff, so upstream it is. As I start hiking upstream, I get to see one of the strangest changes in the sky ever. The moon literally drops down under the horizon, and the sun rises quickly to a mid morning position.

I don't think I'm on earth any more.

I feel a ripple through my body, and I look at myself - I've turned into a stallion! My curse hasn't been suppressed, only changed! I've gained some size, and my mane and tail has turned black, but the brand on my rear stays the same.

There's only one thing to say at this point in response to all this weirdness.

"Curse you Ryouga! This is all your fault!"

Author's Note

As with anything involving Ranma, this is going to be a romp with a vague loose plot. This chapter is somewhat full of Ranma tropes but I wanted to introduce him properly. C&C appreciated.

Where in the world am I now!?

My Little Ranma - Friendship is Dissonant
Chapter 2
Where in the World am I Now!?

I trudge upstream, breaking up the monotony by continually training and getting more used to my new form. I walk, run, jump on rear hooves only, then do the same on my front ones, and work into other variants after that. This continues till I come up to a series of caves honeycombing both sides of the gorge. The entrances are all roughly about the size of a small van.

Cautiously, I keep to the middle of the gorge, but as I reach the first cave entrance, a burgundy coloured eel the size of a small car pounces out at great speed, yellow serpentine eyes narrowed and focused, it's maw stretched open with me as its intended meal.

A ki powered leap avoids the attempted bite, and as payback, I use the snout of the eel as a springboard. An outraged roar erupts beneath me as my hooves make meaty impact, and I launch myself further along. The eel's roar acts as a siren call as more of its comrades launch themselves out of their caves at me.

I turn into a whirling dervish of hooves, flitting from one eel to the next. As an eel attacks, I make sure it regrets attempting to turn me into a snack by ensuring I get at least one decent blow in after I make my evasion.

Three eels come at me at once. The first snaps at me, front on, but before its mouth can close, I land a punch on a fang, pushing me to safety, rebuking the eel for using such a straightforward attack as my hoof cracks the fang. The second snaps close to my tail; I contort myself away to the side, and I see eye to eye with my attacker, right until I land my counter in its eye - turning it away, roaring in pain. The third comes at me from below, and I snap a kick on its chin to gain height, and its upwards movement is diverted away from me.

My dance with the eels continues in this manner without respite, as they seem to be quite hardy - most of my blows merely stun them momentarily. With each eel I evade and counterattack I add more effective, but increasingly difficult techniques with each passing minute, and start taunting each eel that fails in its bid to swallow me. I'm unsure whether any of them understand my words, but my mocking tones seem to enrage them further.

Despite their size, the eels have been disappointing as far as challenges are concerned, their attacks are well telegraphed to me well before they come close. Feeling whimsical, I decide to keep in the middle of the mass of caves, and start running around on the backs of the eels, forcing them to contort around each other in their attempts to snap at me. In their hunger, more eels join the fray, and the tangle of serpentine bodies quickly turns into a knotted ball of giant eels.

I hop away from the melee, satisfied with my handiwork. It seems that every single one has left its cave and has ended up in the giant knotted mass of hissing angry eels. I'll give the eels credit for persistence - even now, the ones closest to me are writhing with all their might in an attempt to get to me. As they do so, their action chokes their neighbours, who then also react by writhing around as well, tightening the knot of eel bodies. Plumes of rock dust waft around me, a result of the eels smashing rocks and crashing against the walls of the gorge.
Feeling good about myself, I bow once to my erstwhile opponents, pull one eyelid down and stick my tongue at them, then turn around and continue my march onwards upstream, the roars of the eels gradually fading into the distance.

The march upstream is monotonous for an hour or so till I start rounding a corner in the gorge. A gentle breeze blowing behind me increases in strength with each step forward till it turns into a blustering gale that threatens to blow me off balance. I frown as I see the cause - the gorge narrows and the way forward is impeded by a wall of oversized brambles, proudly shooting up from the stream, gnarled branches with sharp thorns challenging all who dare to attempt to pass.

The way forward does not seem obvious to me as the thorns are large and sharp enough to do a fair bit of damage. Some small gaps are present at ground level that would allow a small animal through, but are too small for me to crawl through. Higher up, the brambles seem to thin out a little, but are well short of the enormous height of the gorge.

Experimentally,I hop up a fraction off the ground, and find the wind is strong enough to blow me forwards. A fun idea comes to mind and I grin as I run up to the brambles, leap upwards, turning myself so that my hooves face the brambles directly. The wind blows me towards the brambles, and as I make contact, I push myself away and upwards, effectively bouncing myself off. As I gain height, the wind blows me back, and I repeat my motions, laughing as I scale up the wall of brambles by continually bouncing off it by pushing myself upwards and away, the wind blowing me back into contact.

About three quarters of the way up, I find a gap that is large enough for me to squeeze through and I let the wind blow me into the tight space. A narrow, twisted, thorny passage through reveals itself as I make my way in. The wind continues to push me hard, and I use my body as a sail, floating from one spot to the next by nudging myself away from the brambles. Tumbling and freewheeling my way through, a few close calls occur and scratches on my flanks mark the price of passage.

My celebration at clearing the brambles is short lived - the wind dies off suddenly as I clear them, and I find myself cursing as I'm caught stalled in mid air, with the ground a long way below. Gravity reclaims its hold on me and I gain speed rapidly as I plummet towards the unforgiving rocks below. I break my fall by rolling hard as I reach the ground, the momentum drives me forwards quicker than I expect and the last thing I feel before I black out is my head making contact against a large boulder.

The first thing I see as I regain consciousness is the sun dropping under the horizon in the same strange rapid motion the moon did at dawn. Once the sun sets, the moon rises at a speed that is unbelievable to my eyes. At the same time, I feel the familiar ripple of magic course over my body as it changes into the form of a mare.

I still feel a little concussed from my collision with the boulder so I make camp for the night. My stomach growls at the lack of food, but it's nothing I haven't gone through before - there isn't anything around that I can see that eat, even as a horse. Hopefully tomorrow I can get out of this gorge and find some food. I pull my tent out of my storage space, pitch it, and drift off to sleep immediately.

I dream of my male human form, climbing a mountain made of giant bowls of rice, ramen, and okonomiyaki. Scattered around are boulder sized pieces of takoyaki, tempura, and fried chicken. Atop the mountain, shining like a beacon is a cask of magic water from the spring of drowned man. Climbing, I see three rivals for my prize racing upwards - my old man, Mr. Tendo, and the old lech Happosai.

"Ranma, let your poor, suffering father be freed from his cur- urk!" shouts and gurgles my old man, as his efforts in scaling the mountain are disrupted by Happosai, who with a single flick of his pipe tosses my old man into a koi pond which materialises out of nowhere as he lands. An enormous splash of water and koi carp flies from the pond, and a dazed looking panda appears when the water clears.

"I get the cure for you Ranma, and let you have it if you marry Akane!" exclaims Mr. Tendo, scrambling up a takoyaki boulder.

"None of that Soun!" cries Happosai as he bops Mr. Tendo over the head with his pipe, "I would miss my dear little Ranma-chan if he was cured. He still hasn't modelled my newest silky darlings yet!"

Happosai reaches into his gi and pulls out a pink,lacy bra, "When Ranma-chan has modelled enough of my silky darlings, only then can we consider a cure! Now you two! Bow before your master and seek forgiveness for daring to deprive me of Ranma-chan!"

A giant ki manifestation of himself appears behind Happosai as he releases his battle aura. This demonstration cowers my old man and Mr. Tendo, and they begin to prostate themselves before him. As they do so, I leap towards the three of them, snatching the bra from Happosai and kicking both my old man and Mr. Tendo down the mountain. With great satisfaction I watch both of them tumble far away, out of the fight for now.

"Ranma m'boy, I'm so glad that you've accepted my present!" smarms Happosai. "Now all you have to do is turn into Ranma-chan so you can model for me."

Before I can retort, my head is knocked over from a blunt impact and I am soaked. Somehow Happosai has snuck around me and dumped a wash basin over my head. I pull the basin off to see Happosai has backed a good twenty metres from me.

"What happened to my Ranma-chan?" laments Happosai. "If there's no more Ranma-chan, then you're useless as a heir like my other students. I insist that you give my silky darling back!"

I stare down at my hoof which is still holding the bra, my whole body shaking in anger. "Useless!? You've never been my master, and my skills are greater than those two!" I tear the bra to shreds, throwing away ribbons of silk.

The diminutive form of Happosai darts around me, gathering the shreds, caressing them in his arms. I barely hear his reverent whisper, "You destroyed my silky darling."

He lifts his head up, smouldering rage in his eyes bearing at me. A barrage of Happo daikarin bomb my position as Happosai screams, face flushed red, "You destroyed my silky darling!"

The Happo daikarin explode, chunks of takoyaki and fried chicken are ejected into the air, heat from explosions snapping at my hooves as I am pushed hard in defence. Deflecting some of the chunks into the incoming Happo daikarin gains me a little breathing room, allowing me to pull something from my ki space and throw it into the air. Happosai flickers over to my thrown object, places it against his cheek for a moment then throws it away, destroying it with a Happo daikarin. Instead of being weakened, his battle aura flares, "You dare throw me a something that has been worn by a cross dresser! For that a lesson is in order!"

Happosai draws from his back a Happo daikarin the size of a small house, dwarfing his diminutive stature. "Learn your place!"

The Happo daikarin hisses my doom as it flies towards me at an impossible speed, heat from its explosion searing my entire body, my eyes blinded by the flash.

I open my eyes, surprised at the lack of pain, and find myself lying on a red carpet. Glancing around, I am disconcerted by the opulence surrounding me. The carpet leads to two golden thrones on a dais. Stained glass windows depicting horses in action line the throne room.

A dark sapphire figure struts from the dais, ethereal cobalt mane wafting, crown sparkling atop the horned head. A crystal covered hoof lifts my muzzle upwards, causing me to gaze into a pair of sultry cyan eyes.

A regal voice speaks to me with kindness, but I make no sense of what she is saying. It seems like she speaks in that fancy English that is used in the plays I endured in high school. I mutter, "I don't understand." and her face changes to one of puzzlement.

"Dost thou understandeth me now?" queries the mare.

It seems like she can speak Old Japanese, something I barely understand. I give a non-committal nod in response.

"We sensed thine coming, and were anxious to meet thee before..." her words trail off as I feel a familiar ripple work through my body. Eyes widen in surprise as powerful wings beat, lifting the mare from the ground, blowing a breeze into my face.

Her next words are so loud that they blow me back a foot, " WHAT SORCERY IS THIS!? HAVE IT AT THEE, CHANGELING!"

The horn on her head ignites in a cobalt aura, as her eyes menacingly narrow. A blue flash lances from her horn as the corona of the aura peaks, lashing through the carpet, leaving a deep furrow in the marble beneath at the spot I just hurriedly vacated.

Her horn flashes again and again, with me dodging each attack thanks to the charge up time, but staying on the defensive is not in my nature. I feint to one side, and she attempts to anticipate my move, missing me entirely, allowing me time to gather my own energies.

"Moko takabisha!" I shout as a golden beam of energy roars from my hooves. My opponent looks surprised for an instant, but counters in time with a blue beam from her horn. The two energies clash, coalescing into an expanding ball which suddenly explodes, pushing us apart. We both hit an invisible barrier simultaneously, causing ripples to propagate through the throne room.

I hear a crack, and the throne room shatters, falling away to reveal us high in the air, the mountain of food below us. Realising my disadvantage instantly, I quickly close the distance to the mare, who has spread her wings out to recover from her tumble. I pin one wing against her body as she bucks violently, trying to shake me loose. We plummet downwards towards the peak of the mountain, grappling the whole time, with me head butting her every time her horn lights up.

Rice explodes everywhere as we impact near the peak of the mountain. Happosai in the shape of a horse sits atop the peak, drinking from the cask of curse water.

"Ranma m'boy that's more appropriate company for you!" he quips.

Food flies everywhere as we continue our fight, rolling down the mountain. We tumble past a horse shaped Mr Tendo who has burst into tears lamenting, "The schools will never be joined!"

My old man, still a panda, pulls out a sign, "I'm just a cute panda."

Our descent down the mountain continues, neither of us giving any quarter, until finally, the mare somehow frees herself and takes to the air. Backing away from me and flying higher, she shouts one last thing as a ripple surrounds her and she fades away.

I wake up the next morning, feeling great from a good nights sleep, with only vague recollections of a dream involving food. As I put away my tent, I glance at my pendant - the rays of the morning sun glint off the horn of the horse chasing the moon.

Resuming my march through the gorge, I reach the end at a plateau rimmed with tall trees. Climbing to the top of the tallest one, I survey my surrounds. The stream meanders to the south into a desert, girdled by snow capped mountains. To the east is a flat grassland broken with bluffs, and a seemingly impassable mountain range looms to the west. Looking north, I can just make out the outline of a sparkling white castle on the side of a mountain.

Decision made, eastwards it is for now, as the way forward looks more inviting.

Three days travel eastwards later, and I can safely say that I'm sick of tall grass and trees, bushy grass and shrubs, short, bushy, tough grass and cactii. The only reason I'm still travelling this way was that I climbed to the top of a bluff and saw the outline of a town.

Crossing over a ridge, I see a sight that delights me, a valley filled with apple trees. Just beyond the orchard is a small town that looks like it's out of a western.

In the orchard, groups of horses similar in shape to my current form are working. The sight is somewhat amusing, as most of them are wearing cowboy hats and a few of them are even wearing vests. They seem to be working in teams harvesting the apples. Some climb the trees to pluck the apples, others seem to resort to bucking the tree trunks. The apples are collected into baskets which are then loaded onto carts which are pulled into the town.

I repress a snicker at the sight of the pastel coloured horses at work as they seem have looks of determination on their faces. The whole vista seems somewhat saccharine to me, and a thought crosses my mind - if Azusa or Akane were here, they'd be likely kidnapping one or two of them and strangling them to death with affection.

Rummaging through my inventory confirms that I have no means for trading with the horses, and the fact remains that I don't know whether or not they are friendly. I make the decision to retreat out of sight and to wait for nightfall.

When night comes, the orchard is abandoned, so I scurry up the nearest tree with a crown ladened with apples. Plucking one off a branch, I savour the sweet aroma for a moment before biting into the crisp, juicy fruit. The apple tastes like ambrosia to me after three days of travel and is quickly consumed as I shudder, recollecting the memory of eating like a horse for the first time.

I gorge myself till my appetite is sated, and fall asleep on a large branch.

Tremors in the tree rouse me from my slumber the next day, and I blearily look around. A herd of buffalo is stampeding towards the town, feathers in their headgear, war paint and menace on their faces.

Leaping out of the tree, I race towards the town, ready for a fight.

Author's Note

Looks like Ranma has finally found sapient beings to interact with.

How'd you like them apples?

My Little Ranma - Friendship is Dissonant
Chapter 3
How'd you like them apples?

I charge through the orchard, thankful that the trees have been planted in tidy rows. Heat burns through my legs as I force ki into my muscles, eking out every bit of speed that I can. The buffalo trample down a path, kicking up a huge plume of dust, and I realise that they will reach the town before me.

I see the strangest sight as I reach the town. The townsfolk have raised up barriers, and are throwing apple pies at the invaders rather than risking a direct physical confrontation. Scoffing at such an ineffectual defence, I hurl myself into the stampeding buffalos.

I land on the head of a lead buffalo, bringing him down to the ground, kick another on the cheek causing him to stumble into another with both tripping over as a result. I leap from one buffalo to the next, landing knock out punches on as many as I can.

The pies stop flying and the buffalo stop their charge.

The eyes of everyone in the town are on me. A banner hanging across the Main Street slowly flutters to the ground, bearing the words, "Annual Appleoosa Apple-pickin' Apple-Pie Apple-Run."

In the silent pause, a lone tumbleweed drifts across the main street.

Oops.

An angry yell from the crowd initiates the action as pies start flying in my direction. At the same time, the buffalo stampede at me, heads down, horns leading. The buffalo charge is easy enough to evade, being no more than a very fast dash straight at me, but the flying pastries are another matter altogether.

Tears well in my eyes at the sight of perfectly good pastries being wasted.

Leaping to evade a buffalo causes him to butt heads with another, a solid cracking sound reverberating as a result. In the midst of a summersault, I snap my mouth wide open and snag a whole pie in one bite. My eyes light up in delight as the pastry melts in my mouth, leaving a moist, sweet, yet slightly tart apple filling on the top of my tongue. There's just the right hint of cinnamon in the filling as well.

Another pie barrage approaches my position in a tight but wide spread. The buffalo charge at me en masse, again with decent speed, but in a straight line. Vaulting over the lead buffalo, I land on the head of another in the middle of the pack and use the violent head toss to launch into the air into the oncoming pies.

I guzzle the first pie in the barrage - good food like this belongs in my stomach - the rest within reach I snatch, stacking as many as I can on one fore hoof. To my dismay, my flight through the air only allows me to save about a dozen or so pies, the rest flying past me into the charging buffalo.

The pies hit the buffalo as I reach the apex of my leap, with absurd results. A few buffalo are hit right in the face and seem to be stunned for the count, falling over, and ploughing into the ground. Others are hit in the flanks and end up veering off to the sides, through the barricades and coming to a stop as they smash into the sides of buildings.

As I land, I drop an axe kick on the head on another buffalo, causing eyes to cross comically as the head is driven into the dirt as forelegs give way. At the same time, I catch another two pies, one with my mouth, which I devour, the other with my free hoof, which I add to my stack. With my free fore hoof, I vault over my next assailant, hoof standing on his head and distracting him long enough that he collides head first into a building. The resultant damage from the impact is respectable - spiderweb like cracks propagate up and down the side of the building - a back kick to the rump causes the buffalo's head to impact a second time, knocking him out for the count. This renders the wall into fragments, exposing the interior like a cracked egg.

A quick glance inside reveals a queen sized bed covered by a bed sheet with an apple and apple pie pattern. Smirking, I grab the bed sheet and place my pies inside. I quickly fold the four corners of the bed sheet together so I can carry it on my back and fall into one of my old mans special techniques, the umi sen ken.

The horses look around confused, stopping their pie barrage as I disappear from their sight, but the buffalo aren't so easily deterred - they continue trampling around the town looking for me. I approach the horses - they are scouring the area with their eyes,ears swivelling, noses taking deep sniffs...

"He's here! I kin smell 'im and me ol' bones a'rattlin!" screams a wrinkled old mare, setting off a panic as the horses renew their pie barrage, this time carpet bombing the area in an attempt to flush me out.

To counter, I use the go shin dai ryu sei fu technique, increasing my speed yet maintaining my stealth. I dart from barricade to barricade, offering a mere glimpse of my position as I deprive the horses of their ammunition, filling the bed sheet on my back to the brim with pies. Pies are still tragically lost, as some of the horses have quick reactions and start throwing them as they see me grabbing pies. Some friendly fire results and a few are staggered as a pie lands on their face, almost making me laugh and lose my hold on the technique.

The soil around the horses has been loosened from my darting around. If I wished, I could bury them all with the final umi sen ken technique, but I decide against it as none of them seem to be true fighters and they've so kindly provided me with food.

Instead, I take to the roof tops, pie laden bed sheet on my back and jump to the top of the clock tower. With the size of the bundle on my back, the thought of yelling, "What a haul! What a haul!" crosses my mind as I roof hop from building to building, angry buffalo and horses in pursuit on the streets below.

Spying a carriage, I place the bundle inside, then face my pursuers, buffalo and horse alike. I gather my ki, breaking out a visible battle aura, the glow stopping the mob in its tracks.

"Saotome Ultimate Technique!" I shout as my muscles tense into tightened steel coils, and the ground I stand on cracks. "Fast break!"

I leap backwards, landing between the shafts of the carriage, slip into the harness, and sprint out of town, a cloud of dust left in my wake. Glancing behind brings a chuckle to my throat as I see the whole town frozen in place, mouths slack jawed for a few seconds, before they all simultaneously realise I'm making my escape and start their pursuit.

Galloping along, carriage in tow, proves challenging as the ground undulates and I take care to avoid tipping the carriage. Ominous rumbles behind urge me onwards - if I was unencumbered, my pursuers would have no chance - but I feel reticent about leaving my cargo.

I grit my teeth and pull harder, the carriage jostling and careening from side to side. The unrelenting sounds of hooves striking earth hard behind spur me onwards. My eyes narrow as a ravine draws near, sheer cliffs warning of a precipitous fall. Determinedly, I push more ki into my legs as I reach the edge of the ravine and jump.

I soar over the ravine in a graceful arc, the carriage groaning in protest at the abuse, and land on the other side. My graceful landing is momentary - the carriage lands short with the rear axle off the edge - as it tumbles downwards into the ravine it drags me as well. I skitter around, struggling to find purchase, but manage to drag the carriage off the precipice.

I continue my gallop with every intention to leave my pursuers behind, looking back to see whether the ravine thins out my pursuers. The first of the horses and buffalos reach the ravine and baulk at the length of the jump, skidding to a halt at the edge. Unfortunately for them, others behind fail to see the ravine and charge into them at full speed, pushing them over.

Bedlam ensues.

A quarter of my pursuers manage to stop short of the ravine, more than half end up either running over the edge or are pushed over, the remainder attempt the jump and fail. The sounds of bodies hitting water clears my conscience of guilt from causing mass injury.

Only one pursuer remains.

A lone figure leaps from the herd, soars high over the ravine, flipping over three times as it clears the ravine easily, doggedly maintaining the chase.

The carriage proves to be a greater encumbrance after the jump. The rear wheels are fluttering, turning into a great drag on my speed and allows my lone pursuer to gradually close up over the next minute.

A small ochre coloured buffalo leaps onto the roof of the carriage, glares at me for a moment, then jumps, rear hoof extended towards my head. I counter at the last moment, turning head down and bucking with my rear hooves, knocking my assailant back against the front of the carriage.

The next moment, I feel the carriage hit a bump - looking back, I see that the carriage has run over my last assailant, the hot sun beating down on the unconscious body. Unwilling to risk the ire of the crowd following me, I regretfully push myself onwards, hoping that help will soon arrive.

I maintain my bearing, tolerating the heat of the sun, and continue my gallop for another hour, when a cry from inside the carriage stops me dead in my tracks. Peering inside the carriage causes me to put a hoof to my face and shake my head,

Along with my bundle of pies is a baby foal with a horn on its head, crying for attention.

My nose wrinkles at the smell in the carriage - strangely enough, the foal is wearing a diaper. Looking more closely inside, I find a saddlebag with a green apple embossed on the side. One side of the bag seems to be designed to hold the foal, the other contains baby supplies.

I spend the next few minutes working out how to change a diaper on a foal. The little orange bub wriggles and twists the whole time, making my task frustrating. Somehow I manage to get her clean, but the cloth nappy proves to be a problem. Giving up in the end, I tie it around the foal in a manner similar to the loin cloth on a sumo wrestler. The milk formula proves simple to mix and putting the bottle in her mouth quietens her down.

The trek continues till late in the afternoon, when I reach another ravine, this one too wide for me to jump. Down at the bottom flows a small river. A few small cave entrances are visible around the ravine walls, which seem to be traversable by foot.

I unhitch myself from the carriage, ensuring the doors are secure and that the foal is asleep. I trek down and examine the caves, finding one adequate, being sufficiently deep and hidden by shrubs that I feel comfortable with resting in it for a while.

I make two trips back to the carriage, the first to gather the bundle of pies, the second for the foal. Slipping on the saddlebag, I gently place the foal in the carrier, happy to see she stays asleep. I then kick the carriage so that it falls into the river at the bottom of the ravine. It smashes into pieces, and the current from the river carries the majority of it downstream.

Feeling parched, I climb down to the river and sate my thirst, at the same time, I clean the baby bottle, and fill my kettle. Remembering the times Kasumi baby sat for a neighbour, I gather some wood, light a fire and boil the water, placing the baby bottle inside to sterilise it.

Satisfied the bottle is clean, I boil some more water and refill the baby's thermos for later then return to the cave. I open my bundle of pies and eat my fill till my stomach is bloated, then lie down in a curled position for a nap, the foal nestled in the saddle bag.

My slumber is soon interrupted by the mewing of the foal. Once again, my attempt at child care ends up somewhat lacking - I manage better with the bottle but the nappy still ends up looking like something belonging on a sumo wrestler.

I clearly have to return the foal back to the town. I wait till nightfall before commencing my trek back. When the sun sets and the moon rises, I once again feel a ripple through my body as I turn into a mare. A look of puzzlement becomes etched on the face of the foal - when I make some soothing noises, she then points between my legs.

Heat rises from my cheeks when I realise what she wants.

Shaking my head and saying no brings on a bout of strident cries that threatens to bring on a migraine. I quickly make another bottle of milk and shove it in the foals mouth, thankfully quietening her down. Looking in the saddlebag, I realise the last of her formula has been used up, and there's no way I'm offering to be on tap to feed her. The quicker I can return my accidental companion, the better.

The moonlight provides enough light that I get my bearings. Without the carriage, I travel far more quickly, but I take a more circuitous route to avoid any pursuers. Thankfully, the rhythm of my galloping lulls the foal asleep and keeps her that way.

The journey back to the town takes me the best part of the night, with dawn threatening to break just as I arrive. I keep to the shadows in the moonlit town, thankful that the whole town is asleep, looking for a suitable doorstep to leave the foal. One building stands out with its white painted walls, and a red cross painted over the top. Assuming this one is a hospital of sorts, I skulk towards it.

The moon sets.

The sun rises.

I feel my body change, and the foal wakes up, and stares at me, momentarily confused.

Her lips break into a pout, and her eyes squeeze shut as her horn lights up.

A keening wail of "Maaaa-maaaaaaa!" from the foal threatens to burst my eardrums, and I find the foal and I bathed in an orange glow, levitating upwards. A moment later, a flying grey winged horse collides into us midair, knocking the foal and I back to the ground. The mare looks apologetically at me with her golden crossed eyes, and as she opens her mouth to say something, a large bell falls from the cart she is towing.

Still dazed from the fall, the best I manage is nudging the foal clear before the bell falls on my head, causing a resonant bonging sound. As I black out, a flight of white winged horses in golden armour approach.

Wind rustling the hair on my head rouses me back to consciousness. A muzzle has been placed over my snout, and chains are wrapped around my body and legs - I'm trussed up like a mummy. Feeling stiff, I attempt to shift around, but the only movement I can manage is my head, and around my ankles. My slight movement is rewarded with the shaky point of a spear in my face, wielded by a visibly sweating guard. Resigning myself to some minor discomfort, I settle myself down as best as I can.

Effectively gagged by the muzzle, I can only make noises of annoyance, but think the wiser of it when the first sound I make is rewarded with a sharp jab of the spear.

Looking around, I realise I'm flying in a chariot pulled by the armoured flying horses, up above the clouds. The sun is in a mid-afternoon position, shining behind a stack of large fluffy clouds with rainbows cascading through them.

Ahead of us is a sight that rivals anything else I've seen before, taller than Kirin's castle, and more imposing than Jusendo. We approach a shining ivory castle perched upon the side of a mountain, golden spires gleaming atop spindly towers, impressing its presence on the valley below like a guardian. The architecture of the castle reminds me of the palace in that western cartoon with the blue genie that Akane seems to like.

I never got the point of that movie. Every djinn or spirit I've ever come across has been trouble.

The chariot rounds the castle in a broad loop twice before another winged horse joins us and leads us down to land on a large circular platform. Upon landing, a trolley is wheeled out, and I am unceremoniously dumped and secured against it.

The guards wheel me through the labyrinthine corridors of the castle. The grandeur and scale of this place dwarves all the others from my previous adventures. Each passage way we go through have high vaulted ceilings propped up by ornate columns. Rich tapestries hang on the walls between stained glass windows, themed with the sun and moon.

Finally, we arrive at a set of heavy, intricately, decorated double doors which slam open at our approach. A white horned horse looks at me disparagingly as he walks past, head held up so high that it reminds me of Kuno with his bokken.

I'm pushed through the doors, into a throne room which looks somewhat familiar. The guards leave me in the trolley on the red carpet, close to the dais, and I feel as though I'm one of the insane asylum inmates from the movies Nabiki likes.

A tall, elegant, winged horse, wearing a golden crown atop a horned head approaches. A single nod from her head has the guards leaving us, the doors of the throne room slamming shut with ominous echoes reverberating.

A golden aura surrounds her horn, and the muzzle on my head falls to the ground.

I voice my protest at my treatment immediately, "Let me go, you freaky circus animal!"

I'm about to open my mouth to continue my tirade when her horn lights again, this time the aura encases my muzzle and clamps my mouth shut.

A stern visage mixed with disappointment crosses the face of the white mare as she replies to me in perfect Japanese.

"You've been a troublesome stallion, my little consort."

Author's Note

And so it really begins. Derpy pwns Ranma.

Trivia from researching for this chapter:
Thoroughbred horses can gallop at around 40mph, buffalo around 35mph.
If a sumo wrestler's obi (wasashi) falls off during a bout, disqualification occurs. This rule only came in after European sensibilities regarding nudity were pressed into Japanese society.