Chapters Flash Sentry and the Elements of Homosexuality
The verdict is in! You're gay!
Shining Armor fumed as he trotted back and forth in his office. Captain of the guard, vanquisher of changelings, and married to the hottest goddess in all of Equestria, and yet he’s never had to face a challenge like this before. Today was supposed to be his day off, but stress and indignation prevented him from the relaxation his wife had begged him to enjoy. It didn’t help she was only communicating through letters though, having business to attend to with the Griffin Kingdom emissaries.
Shining Armor was a stud by unicorn standards, but even he suffered dry spells from time to time; sex too. Sex was on his brain. Then again, he was a stallion, therefore sex was always on his brain. However, today it was worse than usual. Three weeks without sex to Shining Armor was almost as bad as his sister living in Ponyville and not even mentioning him until he was engaged. He remembered that mare, Applejack; he wouldn’t have minded a quick fling before meeting his fiance. Damn those flanks were fine!
Shining Armor lifted a hoof and gingerly closed his drooling mouth. He was married! He couldn’t even look at another mare without the goddess of love finding out! Except his sister of course. Though she didn’t count. She did have nice flanks though. Shining shook the image out of his head. Damn Twilight and her highly detailed cutie mark!
Shining smacked his head on the desk, sighing deeply. He resolved to never forget another date with Cadence and go paintballing with his friends ever again. The last time he did that, Cadence had been flirting with him to frighteningly levels. Lesson learned: never ignore a mare in estrus. He would never look at a couch the same way again.
But returning to the matter at hoof, he had a challenge to stand up to. A journey so fraught with danger nopony except for him could handle it. An impossible quest destined for greatness or tragedy. He could very well die on this excursion, but that was a risk he was willing to take. For the sake of sanity itself.
He picked himself up and trotted to the door, opening it with his pink magic. The guards guarding the captain of the guard while in the guardian study room dedicated to the guarding of the castle saluted as they continued guarding the vacant room. Shining glanced at them, but didn’t recognize the stallion he was looking for.
He was looking for a very specific stallion. The one stallion behind all his stress and worry. All his terror and sorrow. Well, besides the sexual frustration. HIS sexual frustration, at least.
He really needed something to take that out on. At least he’d get that out of this possibly deadly venture. One thing’s for sure: once he finds that stallion, he’s gonna have to go to tartarus for some rest and relaxation.
As the castle guards watched their ever calm captain trot down the hall of the ever tranquil capital, they learned what it meant to be truly afraid. Miasmic waves of emotions pooled out of Shining’s composure; wavelengths of anger, stress, and frustration seethed from the powerful stallion as he passed by. One of the pegasus guard’s wings popped out as Shining passed by.
Shining cantered through the halls of Canterlot Castle looking at each guard in turn, trying to pick out the source of his troubles, but came up empty each time. If he was to find this stallion he would have to dig deeper into his sagging bag of tricks. Throwing discretion to the wind, Shining screamed the name of his frustrations.
“FLASH SENTRY!!!”
No answer. He screamed it again.
“FLASH SENTRY!!!”
And again
“FLASH SENTRY!!!”
And one more time for good luck.
“FLASH SE- Oh hey Steel Heart. Keep up the good work! -NTRY!!!”
After ten more bellows of the name Flash Sentry, and a couple reminders for the guards to stop sleeping with their eyes open, Shining found his quarry… smoking poison joke inside the armory.
“SOLDIER WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?” Shining ~~practically~~ screamed.
“Woah dude, chill your teats. You’re harshing my mellow,” Flash slurred out in response, “I’m on break anyways. You can’t do anything about it for another fifteen minutes,”
Shining grimaced. His thoughts churned for a moment before a cruel smile crept onto his face. He had been planning this for weeks; he was prepared. “You’re right, I can’t do anything about it as your boss. Fine. You’re right about that,”
Flash gained an extremely smug look on his muzzle...
“You’re fired.”
...which was quickly dismissed to make room for a look of panic.
“What?!” Flash screamed in shock, dropping his bong. Shining lifted it with his magic and took a puff of his own. Damn, that was some joke.
“Yes indeed. You’re fired, making you a normal citizen of the Crystal Empire. Which means I can now order you to follow me as your prince and ruler. Or would you rather explore the dungeon instead?”
“N-no sir,” Flash stuttered, his ‘mellow’ now completely out the window.
“Then follow, pleneighan” Shining said, barely suppressing his rage at the individual before him.
“Y-yes s-sir,” Flash once again stuttered, still scared shitless. Together they left the armory as prince and civilian.
And so they walked.
And they walked
And walked a little more, stopping only for Shining to pick up a shiny bit.
And kept walking until they were all the way at train station: the edge of the Empire.
“So Flash,” Shining took a pause to pull the bong out of his armor and and take a puff, “Why don’t you tell me why you’re still here in the Empire, and not off somewhere on some grand adventure, or galavanting around with a pretty mare.”
Flash shuffled nervously, “Well sir, I’m still here because this is my home. This is where I belong. It’s the place I was planning on protecting for as long as I lived. Until you fired me that is.” He mumbled that last bit.
Shining tumbled the ex-guard’s words around in his head for a moment before saying, “But why would you care about this place when you could be rubbin’ up next to some hot piece of plot, way down in the south where it’s nice and warm.”
“Well to be honest, I hate any temperature over sixty-eight point five degrees Fahrenheit and I’m not really looking for a relationship right now. The only thing I truly loved was my job. Until you stole it, that is,” He stated as passionately as somepony high on joke could (besides the last bit of course).
“Well son, let me be the first to tell you: That’s sad. You could at least stare at a couple mare’s plots when you think I’m not looking. All the other guards do, so why don’t you?!” He asked raising his voice a little more than was necessary.
“Sir-er I mean Shining what brought this on? You’ve never brought this up before?”
“Well Flash, let’s just say some of your preferences have caused me a lot of trouble as of late,” Shining took another puff to try and sooth his fraying nerves.
“And what preferences would those be?”
“Well for one you’re gay-” Shining started before being interrupted by Flashes yelling.
“GAY!? That’s what’s you think of me?! You think I’m bucking gay?! That’s what you dragged me all the way out here for?! You mother bucking dumbass!!”
“I’m gonna stop you right there, civilian. For one, that is no way to address your ruler and second, you’re as straight as a mountain road and you know it,” Shining said with a snort of amusement at his own joke.
“But I’m not gay! Wait, what?” Flash stopped, confused. His wings were fluttering in anger.
Shining sighed. “Do you remember when Princess Twilight visited a couple months ago? You know, the lavender alicorn princess?”
Flash rubbed his chin with his hoof. “Hm… oh yeah. The mare that ran into me, right? Twilight Sparkle.” He distinctly remember helping her up as she… blushed? Oh yeah. Mares tend to do that when they have physical contact with members of the opposite sex. “This isn’t about her, is it?”
“Actually, yes. You’ve been ignoring that fine piece of flank, my little pony.” At those last few words, Flash could’ve sworn he saw Shining lick his lips.
“So?” Flash shrugged. He wasn’t the type of stallion to pay attention to mares. He had better things to do, like nap on clouds and play his Xbox-pone. Shining patted him on the shoulder, harshly. Flash winced in pain.
“My sister has sent you a total of forty cards, three boxes of chocolate, and ten romance novels. Everypony knows about my sister’s love for books, and you still didn’t get a hint?” It was true, Princess Celestia once stated that if libraries had marriage rights, Twilight Sparkle would have her own harem.
“So what? Yeah, sure, it was nice. Chocolate was delicious, plus those books were actually good,” Flash commented as he thought about the latest novel he read. It was a nice read, a love story between a vampony and an ordinary mare. “Especially that Sunset novel.”
“What?!” Shining screamed in shock, his eyes threatening to pop out of thier sockets. “You liked that piece of trash? You really are gay!”
Flash jumped back and stretched his wings to make himself look bigger compared to the large stallion. “I’ll say it one more time. I’M! NOT! BUCKING! GAY!” Flash yelled, punctuating each word with the stomp of his hoof
Shining took a breath. “Forgive me, I theorized you were gay the entire time. This only confirms it. Seriously though, Sunset? Everypony knows Brokeflank Mountain had a better movie.”
Flash shrugged. “Well, true. But-”
Shining jumped at his chance. “See? You are gay!” Shining poked Flash’s chest with his hoof twice as the pegasus froze, his mouth open to reply. Flash close his mouth, the gears turning in his head, and opened it again. Still, nothing came out. Shining tried to help the poor pegasus, now feeling pity rather than anger.
“...” Flash was staring into space.
“Flash, tell me,” Shining ordered as he waved a hoof in front of Flash’s face. The ex-guard shook his head, coming back to the land of the living. “Have you ever been to a strip club?”
“No.”
“Have you ever been to a hoofball game, even one at home?”
“No…” Flash stared at the ground, embarrassed.
“Have ever had a hooficure?”
“Yes!” Flash’s spirit returned as he dared to face his prince again. Joke muddling his mind, hope filled his chest. Perhaps he wouldn’t fail this test of character!
“What did you think of Hoity Toity’s latest line of clothing?”
“Well I thought he could’ve done better on the frills of the pegasus set, but the normal set perfectly accentuated the base provided the customer has toned flanks.” Immediately after the words left his mouth, Flash felt an epiphany on the grave of his strait life. He held his face in his hooves as he began sobbing.
“Don’t worry, it’ll be okay…” Shining reassured patting the pegasus’ back in sympathy, suddenly feeling like he had done something very wrong. Flash reared his head back to the heavens and screamed at the injustice of life.
“No it won’t be okay! First I get fired while on break, then my prince threatens to throw me in jail, and now I find out I’m gay!” Flash continued to cry.
“Yes, it will. I promise,” Shining whispered as he hugged Flash tighter.
“W-what?” Flash sniffed.
“You heard me. So Flash, did you enjoy being part of the guard?” Flash took a deep breath to calm down before answering.
“Well, yeah. Good job security, excellent dental health program, and all I have to do is walk around and pretend to be intimidating.” Flash gave a weak grin, faking optimism.
“Good answer. Well Flash, I have a proposal for you. Well, more of an order. Say no, and it’s to the streets for you! Say yes, and you can get your job back!”
“Um, I think I’ll go with yes.” Flash said while poking the ground with a hoof.
“Perfect. Oh, here comes our ride now. We’re going on a little trip!” Shining turned his head to the descending carriage pulled by his personal guard.
“Where are we going?” Flash asked as the two stepped inside the carriage.
“Oh, just some place where a few friends can help you out. Say, Flash, I hear Ponyville is pretty nice this time of year.”
Flash groaned, the image of a certain alicorn penetrating his thoughts.
Author's Note
In case you're offended by the events in this fiction, I will admit a few truths. I have more gay family members than the average person ever befriends. This is a parody of stereotypes and social stigmas, and not to be taken seriously. Plus I'm writing this because there is not enough homolove! (Despite being questionably straight myself...)
However, I am totally gay for Big Mac. Who isn't?
Thank you I HV NO FEAR for editing this!
Flash Sentry and the Elements of Homosexuality
“Okay, now what?” Flash asked, curiosity replacing his drug-induced anger from earlier. They had flown for several hours to the small village near Canterlot. Home of the Elements of Harmony and the magical birthplace of an alicorn, it was quite a tourist attraction nowadays. The two stepped out of the carriage before it flew off, ordered by Shining to return first thing in the morning. The two began their first steps in their dangerous quest.
Shining Armor smiled and led his ward across the town until they were in front of the library. “First, before we go through this we must make sure you’re dedicated,” Shining explained as he turned to the giant treehouse. “I want you to go inside and turn down Twily muzzle-to-muzzle like real stallion. A real gay stallion with big balls. Gigantic balls.” Flash, again, swore he saw Shining lick his lips as he turned toward him. Flash nodded, accepting his sentence. He was gay now, it was time to let down the mare. Gently.
Flash knocked on the wooden door of the tree. While he waited, he examined the door. It was a deep red color and the candle out front was a nice touch. Probably not the best color for a library theme, but who was he to judge. As he tapped the ground impatiently, he heard a few voices speaking inside. One sounded like a child complaining while the other was much more stern. The two voices bickered for a few more moments and then went silent. Flash flicked his ears forward so he could hear hoofsteps approaching the door. He fought the urge to piss himself.
The door swung open, revealing the alicorn princess Twilight Sparkle. Her eyes widened as she examined Flash. Her mouth opened in an excited gasp as she raised a hoof to cover it. “Flash, you came!” As she gazed upon the young pegasus her eyes sparkled like the starlit sky during a fireworks show. Flash was unsure, but he could’ve sworn there was an insatiable hunger hidden in her eyes.
Flash gave a sympathetic smile and bowed. “Yes princess, I have.” His wings giving a small flap of shame. Twilight squealed with joy and jumped forward, wrapping her forelegs around his neck and frantically nuzzling him as her wings popped out from her sides.
“Chokey. No breathy,” He managed to gasp out of her bone crunching hug.
“Oop. Sorry bout that, Flashy dear,”
He stepped back, nearly losing his balance.
“Now now, Princess. Aren’t we jumping to conclusions-”
“No, of course not. If you came all the way down here it obviously means that you love me and that you want to spend the rest of you natural life with me-”
“Well actually I came here to-”
“So I’ll have a shred of happiness until you die and live on, unhappy and alone-”
“I don’t think it’ll happen quite like tha-”
“And then we’ll have thirty foals and-”
“Twilight!” Shining yelled, trying to help out his young ward.
“Oh right, sorry. Guess I’m jumping ahead just a bit."
“Just a bit?” Shining inquired.
“Ok maybe alot.” Twilight rubbed the back of her head sheepishly, “What were you trying to say, Flash?”
“Well the thing is, we can’t be together because-”
“What is it Flash? Are you s-seeing another mare?” Twilight’s eyes shined as tears dampened her cheeks. Her lips began to quiver as the tears streamed down her face. She stifled a sob, trying not to lose face in front of her dream stallion. She had been dreaming of that moment since she first met him when they would finally reunite, elope, and have thirty children. In all honesty, Flash didn’t care and couldn’t take the pathetic sight for long.
“No! In fact, quite the opposite,” Flash mused out loud. “Twilight, I’m gay.”
Twilight abruptly stopped sniffling in wonder. “Oh, why didn’t you say so?” A smile on her face began to form. A sense of hope erupted in Flash’s heart as he perked up his ears and fixed his posture.
“Well, I didn’t know until earlier today. Shining Armor helped me to figure it out,” Flash answered. “I guess we’re cool then?”
Twilight’s smile erupted into a barely contained grin. “Are you kidding? We’re beyond cool! What if you turn out to be bisexual? We could have threesomes!” Twilight’s excitement caused her horn to spark in her fantasy. “Even better, we could go ~shopping~!”
Oh no she didn’t!
“Shopping? You want to go shopping?!” Flash scolded, stomping the ground with a hoof for emphasis. Twilight winced at each stomp. “I find out that my entire life was a lie and the first thing you want to do is go shopping?! Do you know how stereotypical that is. It’s... it’s-”
Shining placed a hoof on Flash’s shoulder. Flash looked up to see a smile of approval. “I’m glad Twily took it well, but she has a point. I think it’s about time you have your first lesson in homosexuality.”
Flash frowned. “Shopping? Isn’t that kind of a stereotype?” Shining merely shook his head in response. The white prince turned to his sister.
“Twily, mind helping me out? I need a couple messages sent.” He leaned in and whispered his request to his lavender sister. Twilight cooed and nodded in excitement before retreating inside her tree. Flash could see green and magenta lights flashing inside the windows, but Shining distracted him from investigating. “Follow, young padawan.”
The two began trotting away from the library. “So what now? We’re going shopping?” Flash asked as he looked up to the older stallion. Shining nodded as the two neared the marketplace. “So, what exactly are you doing here?”
Shining motioned him to stop before entering the market square. “I’m going to teach you the right way to be gay, obviously.” Flash shrugged his shoulders as Shining continued. “I may not be the greatest of teachers to a stallion in need, but after the numerous threesomes my wife has put me through, I can assure you that you’ll be raising flags wherever you go after I’m done with you. Mmm, flags...” Again with the licking. Flash was sure that he saw some drool too.
“So, we’re just going to buy stuff?” Flash asked as Shining levitated a bag of bits toward him.
“We’re not ‘buying stuff.’ We’re shopping! Two totally different things!” Shining declared as he salivated from his ecstatic grin. Flash took the bag of bits and put his neck through the string to carry it as Shining took the lead. Their first stop was the Apple Family apple stand.
Shining gulped as the sexiest mare in Ponyville blinked at him, wondering why the Crystal Empire’s prince was here in Ponyville buying apples. It took all his willpower to not peer over the stand and stare at her apples. It took even more willpower to not take a big ole’ bit out of them. Something inside Shining warned that flank biting was a nono in public, especially since you’re married to another mare. He was like a dog on the end of his leash: all he could do was sit there and bark.
“Heya Shinin’!” Applejack greeted with a friendly smile. “Anythin’ I could get ya’ll?” She gestured toward her collection of red, shiny apples. Flash’s mouth began salivating, his stomach catching up with him after his trip with the joke bong. His eyes traveled from apple to apple, each one seemingly juicier than the last.
“How about that one?” Shining pointed to a random apple in the pile. Applejack happily picked it up and gave it to him.
“Here ya go. That’ll be-” Applejack was interrupted by a hoof placed on her mouth, muffling her speech. Shining lifted the apple with his pink magic and looked it over, until he huffed and threw it back on the pile.
“It wasn’t shiny enough.” Shining pointed his nose into the air. “I need something with more… luster.” Applejack sighed, having dealt with snobbish ponies before. She sifted through her apple pile before finding an apple that looked nearly identical to the last one.
“Too small.” Shining barely glanced at it.
“Ah, okay. How about this one?” Applejack held up a new apple.
“Too lumpy.”
“Too large.”
“Perfect! No, wait. This one is too red.”
“Amazing! No, wait, too amazing! I can’t eat that!”
“Yes, yes! That one!” Shining Armor bounced in place as he pointed to the last apple in her pile, Applejack having thrown out each rejected apple in desperation to fit Shining’s needs. Her ears pinned to the side of her head in frustration.
“That’s the first one ya picked ya ninny!” Applejack complained as she took Shining’s bit. Satisfied, Shining took a bite of the apple and waved her off, leaving the stand behind with Flash Sentry in tow. They made sure to stay out of earshot before discussing.
“What was that exactly?” Flash asked, curious on how that was supposed to teach him to be homosexual. All Shining did was act like, well… a complete and total ass. Yea that’s the phrasing he was trying to come up with.
Shining puffed his chest out in pride, “First rule of shopping! Always settle with the best, even if it was your first choice in the first place! Second, barter. Never settle with anything less than you want.” Shining’s rules created a question that floated in Flash’s mind. He raised a hoof in question.
“So why exactly did you go through the entire batch of apples?” Flash hissed, slightly irritated at his prince and mentor’s attitude. Shining laughed, slapping Flash’s plot as he did so.
“The third, and final, rule is to only buy a fraction of what you try! It ensures you get the best of the best. Now, it’s your turn!” Shining stepped aside and waved toward the building they were now standing in front of.
Carousel Boutique. Flash gulped. As a pegasus, fitting clothing was as fun as a prick in a balloon factory. Not only did his pegasus instincts resist every urge to stand still, his wings would always pop out at inopportune times. Shining took the lead and knocked four times. Using his magic, he forced Flash Sentry to take entry with a simple levitation spell as Rarity invited them in.
“Welcome the Carousel Boutique, where everything is unique, chic, and magnifique! Why hello Shining Armor, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Rarity asked as she ran a hoof through her mane. Her eyelashes fluttering toward the duo as her magic levitated a ponnequin and several pieces of fabric. Flash felt a small twinge of his former heterosexuality emerge, but it was quickly pushed aside by a raging urge to try on clothing.
“Actually, Miss Rarity, today I’ve brought Flash Sentry to be fit,” Shining answered, a mischievous glint in his eyes. Rarity bit her lip in anticipation, eyeing the pegasus from mane to tail. Flash shuddered as he felt her stare reach his toned flanks. Rarity purred as she began levitating numerous outfits from around her shop and lifting them over Flash’s side, sizing him up. One outfit lingered near Flash and bumped into him.
“Uh, excuse me?” Flash stepped back, eyeing the black leather jacket. Rarity squeaked and jerked her head, ordering him to try it. Flash shrugged and slipped his forelegs into the jacket, walking to a mirror to check himself out. The leather looked nice on his light colored coat, and he admired the way it accentuated his muscles as he made studly poses in front of the large mirror. Shining coughed in his ear
“Pst, not gay enough,” Shining whispered to Flash. The ex-guard gasped, realizing he was acting too not gay! He was missing the point of the lesson. He couldn’t be satisfied with Rarity’s first pick, he needed more…
“Rarity, how many outfits do you have for pegasi?” Flash blurted out, causing Rarity to blink rapidly in confusion.
“About thirty, darling. Why?”
Flash threw off the jacket and whipped his mane back. “I want to try them all.”
~three hours later~
“I can’t believe you let me buy this,” Flash grumbled as he flew beside Shining Armor, carrying a bag with his chosen outfit. After trying on every single outfit Rarity had on stock, plus a few custom fits she crafted in the moment, they had finally left the Boutique with a much lighter pouch of bits.
“I don’t know, makes you look like a pretty little pony,” Shining teased as he used his magic to smack Flash’s plot. Flash winced, but he thought he was getting to like it.
Huh, green really was his color. This summer dress was going to look great on him.
Author's Note
I might as well add a disclaimer. This is a satire, don't take it too seriously.
Flash Sentry and the Elements of Homosexuality
“So am I completely gay yet?” Flash asked as his mentor led him through town. They had been traveling on a dirt path through an orchard for quite a few minutes. The sun was beginning to descend, but there was a good hour before nighttime. Shining shook his head as he chewed an apple, then reared back and swallowed. He smacked his lips before answering.
“Slow down there, nopony is going to like you if you’re too fast. It can be quite a disappointment. Trust me, I know.” Flash scratched his head, not understanding the implication of Shining’s answer. He still had much to learn, after all. Shining motioned with his streaked electric blue tail for Flash to stop. In front of the gate they had arrived to were two earth pony stallions waiting for them. Trained in the ways of the guard, Flash detected their power levels were only topped by alicorns. They could probably destroy planets if they yelled loud enough.
“Hey there friends! Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres!” the dusty brown stallion greeted as the two Crystal Empire visitors approached. “I came as soon as I got your message, Shining Armor!”
Shining nodded. “Thanks for coming, this is very important. Flash,” -he turned to the pegasus- “this is Braeburn. He’s a visitor from Appaloosa and a cousin of this big guy right here. Say ‘hello’ Big Mac!”
The scarlet stallion made eye contact with Flash. The small pegasus shuddered under the gentle, yet stern glare. “Eeyup.”
Flash’s wings popped out. Embarrassed, he blushed as he forced them down.
“Hm… an interesting prospect.” Braeburn started circling around Flash, examining the stallion as Shining stepped aside. “Well-defined muscles, excellently toned-flank. Here, let me see…”
Braeburn whipped out a hoof, smacking Flash’s rear. Violated by the sudden invasion of his space, Flash yelped. Braeburn clicked his tongue in disapproval.
“Shame, fresh meat hasn’t been broken in yet. Have you ever explored the pleasures and wonders of SEEENNSation?” Braeburn neighed as he reared up on the last word. Flash, rather than dignify that with words, shook his head and edged away.
“Well we gotta start somewhere!”
“Anddd that’s enough for now,” Shining blocked the incoming strike to Flash’s flank with his own. Shining gave a small yelp when his pale white flank was smacked, a red hoofmark left behind. “Come on Braeburn, we can’t overwhelm the poor colt. We have to start small. What do you think Big Mac?” Shining turned to the red stallion
Big Macintosh chewed the straw in his mouth, pondering. Several methods came to mind, but only one fit the pegasus. Once he found the answer he spit out the straw of hay. “Give him the movie.”
Shining and Braeburn’s jaws dropped.
“Y-you sure?” Shining quivered in place, his heart racing. The movie was notorious for its emotional invocation on ponies, especially on mares and stallions of their persuasion. Big Mac nodded, not needing to say another word.
“I don’t get it. How’s a movie going to help me?” Flash asked, alternating his gaze between the three stallions. Big Mac rubbed his blonde mane while Shining sighed.
“Flash,” Shining started. “What we’re about to show you is possibly the saddest movie in history. Unless you’re a heartless changeling, you will cry a river.”
Flash shrugged. “So? I don’t see how that’s relevant.”
Shining smacked his forehead. “Remember Brokeflank Mountain?”
“Y-yeah…” Flash shuffled his hooves nervously. “I cried a lot.”
“Exactly!” Shining cried excitedly, jumping in place. “In order to be gay, you have to be able to cry. Be honest with your feelings and cry like a little filly!”
“What about my masculinity?”
Shining scoffed. “You don’t need that anymore. You’re gay!”
Braeburn sighed. “Alright everypony! To the barnhouse!” With those words, he gathered the trio together and pushed them toward the barnhouse with his head.
A few errands in preparation for the movie left the four stallions winded, but excited. Braeburn had found a nearby unicorn and prepared popcorn, Big Mac had moved the furniture with his legendary strength, and Shining had retrieved the television and brought it inside the farmhouse. On Braeburn’s insistence, Flash Sentry had entered the Apple Family’s home and asked Applejack for a particular favor.
“I don’t feel very comfortable in this,” Flash grumbled as he examined his legs. Shining had egged him to slip on his green dress, and the pink socks were Braeburn’s suggestion. As hard as it was to admit it, Flash felt the socks met the spirit of the dress perfectly. It was part of the plan on the road to homosexuality, but Flash couldn’t help but miss the fleeting bits of masculinity slipping away. At least he looked cute.
“Well ain’t you a perdy one!” Braeburn flirted, winking at the blushing stallion. Flash, already uncomfortable with the crossdressing, backed away. Without looking, he accidently bumped into Big Mac who had been moving the couch at that particular moment. His movement completely undisturbed to his powerful stance, he merely gave Flash a once-over.
“Eeyup. Cutie pumpkin pie.” Flash’s face flushed under the stallion’s gaze. Shining jumped in between them in excitement.
“Alright guys! Time for the movie!” The other three leaped on the couch, taking control of their portion. Shining used his magic to slip out a vhs tape from its casing and checked the cover. The Colt in Striped Pajamas “Yup, here we go!”
Shining popped the cassette tape into the tv, bringing it to life. As the movie’s opening credits roared, Shining galloped to the couch and hopped next to Braeburn. The cowcolt stallion handed him a bag of popcorn, one that Shining happily munched on. Flash felt small, being squeezed in between two powerful stallions. Big Mac chose to sit at his left, Braeburn on his right.
Alright, time to show off what he learned today. The movie began. It started out as happy as can be, starring a happy yet rebellious colt playing around his new home. Strict parents, nopony around to play with; it was just another coming-of-age film. Flash nibbled on a biscuit, trying to keep crumbs off his new dress and wondering how this was supposed to further his homosexual agenda.
His answer came as soon as the thought entered his mind.
Flash felt a hoof on his back. He sneaked a peek to his right, eyeing Braeburn as the stallion yawned and reached over. Flash wiggled in his seat, getting comfortable as he allowed the contact. If he was gay, then he better get used to cuddling other stallions. Flash wasn’t sure about his disposition toward Braeburn, so he neither encouraged nor fought the contact. Like Big Mac told him, sometimes being passive was best.
Flash rolled his eyes at the games the two colts played. Chess through a gate? How exciting was that? He wondered why the buck this was considered the saddest movie in Equestria.
As the movie continued its boring run, Flash felt the hoof on his shoulder move. Braeburn casually shifted his hoof until his foreleg was wrapped around Flash’s side. Before Flash could react, Braeburn squeezed and brought Flash into full contact with his side, eliciting a squeak from the pegasus. With pressure holding him captive, Flash leaned onto the older and more experienced stallion.
The colt’s father was upset that he had disobeyed him. How typical. Why did Twilight recommend this again? Even if he was gay, that didn’t mean he needed a mare’s advice on everything.
Braeburn, sensing no resistance from his target, made a daring move. His hoof slid down until it rested on Flash’s waist. The green dress prevented fur-to-fur contact, but Braeburn had a plan. Without moving his face, Braeburn eyed the smaller stallion. The fresh meat was nearly done with his biscuit, a completely bored expression on his face. Seeing his chance to make things more exciting, Braeburn went in for the kill.
Flash nearly jumped when he felt the hoof slide down his flank to the hem of his dress. He bit hard on his biscuit, resisting the urge to scream as Braeburn hiked his hoof up. Once the hoof began making small circles on his cutie-mark, Flash opened his mouth to squeal. Unlike Shining, he was not enjoying this!
Salvation came from an unlikely source.
smack!
Flash looked down as a red hoof slapped dusty orange. His eyes traveled up. Big Mac, in all his glory, stared disapprovingly at his cousin. Braeburn shrugged and let go of Flash without any hesitation. Wanting to get away from his assailant, Flash scooted close to Big Mac.
Big Mac wrapped his foreleg over Flash’s shoulders to make him comfortable. For some reason, Flash felt safe with this contact. Rather than just sit and be passive, Flash leaned onto Big Mac approvingly. Taking the hint, Big Mac readjusted and wrapped his foreleg over Flash’s waist and leaned over as well so Flash could rest his head onto the muscular neck. Realizing how fun cuddling could be, Flash purred and wrapped both his arms around Big Mac.
A jolt of realization struck Flash like a lightning bolt. As the young colt ran with his friend into the rain shelter, it dawned on him that the camp was extremely familiar. As a guard, he had taken the proper history classes but never really payed attention. Wars were practically non-existent since Celestia rose to the throne, and it used to be his job to keep it that way.
No, don’t go in there! It’s a trap! Flash buried his head into Big Mac’s side as he heard the hopeful whispering of the colts on screen. A hissing sound and small cries poked the balloon in his lungs as he finally gave out.
“WHY?! How could they do that! Whyyyy…” Flash sobbed as his tears soaked Big Mac’s red coat. He nuzzled the stallion, his muzzle damp with sadness. Big Mac leaned over and patted the stallions back with his free hoof, occasionally rubbing a wing joint as Flash’s wings fluttered in anguish. Critically acclaimed as the saddest movie in Equestrian history since My Sister’s Trainer, it had a pronounced effect on the infantile homosexual. A small puddled formed underneath the couch as Flash cried tears of despair.
Braeburn leaned back from the sad display of sensitivity. “Is he always like this?” he mouthed to Shining. Shining shrugged in response.
“Cry like a little filly? Beats me. At least he’s learning, right?”
Braeburn scrunched his lip in thought. “I suppose that’s right. Good ol’ cuz stole my prize though.” He quietly stuck his tongue out at his cuddling cousin.
Shining punched his shoulder playfully. “Oh beat it, will you? The kid’s a sucker for the protective types. He’s a guard at heart, after all.”
Braeburn snickered. “Heart, yeah. You really going to give him his job back?” A cruel smile creeped onto his face.
Shining returned the grin. “When tartarus freezes over.”
Apple Bloom was thirsty when she woke up late at night. Yawning, she hopped out of bed and out of her room, stopping at her sister’s to knock. Not getting a response, she nudged the door open.
Applejack was sitting on a stool by her window, her back to her younger sister.
“Sis?” Apple Bloom whispered. Applejack, in a bout of shock, spun around. The binoculars on the lanyard she was wearing jumped and smacked her in the face. “What are you doing?”
“N-nothing!” Applejack lied, scrunching her lips awkwardly as she did so. Apple Bloom, not knowing the signs of such an obvious lie, left the room and decided to get water herself. Applejack sighed in relief and turned around. She readjusted the binoculars and continued to watch the ongoing sleepover. Now that she got properly rejected, Twilight no longer had dibs on the sexy pegasus. Applejack had a thing for pegasi. The four stallions had ended the movie and were now getting comfortable for the night with a preemptive pillow fight.
That night Applejack became a mare.
Flash Sentry and the Elements of Homosexuality
Shining hummed a catchy tune as he flipped a pancake with his pink magic on the Apple stove. He had slept well in the comfort of the barn with the others, the night being warm in close vicinity with the boys. The royal stallion decided to get a headstart and make breakfast for the host family before everypony woke up. The smell of syrup and apples drifted out of the kitchen, attracting the attention of sleepy ponies crawling out of bed.
First up was Applejack, who promptly sat at the table and waited patiently for food. Her tangerine coat was clean and sleek, her mane was shining and brushed to perfection. A smile was pasted to her face as she stared into space, sighing occasionally.
“Whoa Applejack, you’re glowing today,” Shining commented as he began the final touchups on an apple crepe. Being married to the alicorn of love had its benefits: house husband training being one of many.
The sweet scent of crepe drew the mare out from her blissful daydream. “Ah had a wonderful night’s sleep, Shinin’.” Applejack gave a dreamy smile as she held her cheeks in her hooves. “What else can Ah say?”
Shining returned the smile as her sibling returned from the barn. Big Mac glanced at Shining’s handiwork and decided no help was needed, instead taking a seat next to his sister. He noticed her misty eyes and chose not to comment. A straw of hay hung out his mouth as he chewed it. If Shining recalled correctly, Flash had chosen to spend the night in his embrace to avoid unwanted advances from Braeburn. Even homosexuals had standards.
“Oi, where’s your cousin?” Shining asked as he leaned back for a difficult pancake flip. Big Mac huffed.
“Appleloosa. Somethin’ ‘bout business.”
“Huh,” Shining muttered to himself. “Would’ve thought he’d at least stay for breakfast. Any word on Flash getting up soon?”
“Eeyup. Went ta powder himself up.”
Shining stifled a laugh. The young colt was learning pretty fast, perhaps a little too fast. Speaking of fast… Shining had plans for him today. “Of course. What else is a gay pony going to say?”
“Haaaaayyyyyyyyyy,” a new flamboyant voice called from behind. Shining, not recognizing the intruder, whipped around and charged his horn. The sight before him dispelled his magic and sent it to his other horn.
On the doorway to the kitchen leaned Flash Sentry onto his wings, his signature green dress and pink socks hugging his toned body, his mane dampened and restyled to appear more feminine. For a moment Shining thought Rarity had brainwashed Rainbow Dash and replaced Flash. Applejack gave an encouraging catcall as Flash sensually slid down the door frame onto his hooves.
“Whoa,” Shining complimented as he gave a small clap. “I give that a solid eight out of ten. I think you’re ready for the next lesson.”
Flash purred as he strutted by, whacking Shining in the face with his electric blue tail as he grabbed the pancake pan with his mouth. Shining followed the younger pegasus as they set the table and served everypony waiting. Apple Bloom arrived just in time for the crepes.
Breakfast was fantastic and each pony showed their appreciation in their eyes as they chewed. Shining was the epitome of husband domestication and nopony could deny it. Everypony helped clean up the plates afterward, and the Apples gladly taught Flash proper dishwashing techniques. He was beginning to model the proper way of the homosexual.
Now the two Crystal Empire residents stood in front of the door, preparing to leave for the next lesson. Flash gave Big Mac a hug as a goodbye, prompting the older stallion to leave a peck on his forehead. Shining rolled his eyes. Flash was more smitten than a baby dragon for a pony with a diamond cutie mark. Huh. Wait a minute…
His train of thought was derailed by an abrupt knocking on the door. Shining cleared his throat and turned to his former guard. “Flash, you’re familiar with pegasus culture, correct?”
Flash stretched his wings out from his dress. “Well, yeah. I mean, these didn’t exactly come with the uniform…”
“Good. I wasn’t sure if you were that sheltered or not. You look like a momma’s boy for all I know. Whatever you do: Do. Not. Freak. Out. Do I make myself clear?”
A nod and a salute was all the prince needed before he opened the door.
“Squee!!” Flash squealed as his wings shot out and he fainted in shock. Drool flowed out of his maw along with a few snores.
A light blue pegasus with a severely wind-blown mane poked the unconscious pony with a bemused expression. “Really Shining? Did he just squee?” Shining gave a jolly laugh.
“Nope, he just said ‘squee.’ Poor boy doesn’t know how to squeal like a proper fangirl yet.”
“Ah.” Soarin nodded. “He didn’t know I was coming to teach him?”
Shining shrugged. “I’m a prince. He should’ve known I have these connections.”
Soarin sighed, his wings slowly rising. “I’ll get the cloud.”
Cold water drenched his face, awakening Flash Sentry from his blissful slumber. He had dreamt of rainbows and fluttering wings as the Wonderbolt taught him the double rainbow cascade. And by cascade he meant se-
“Whoa there little guy. Calm down!” Soarin warned as he held up a hoof to help the pegasus up. Remembering how Big Mac had acted around him, Flash took a few breaths and tried to be more sensitive to the weathered pegasus. His heart rate eventually calmed down enough so he could face every pegasus’ hero. Flash took the offered hoof and stood up. Looking around, he realized he was on a cloud above Ponyville. Something inside him wondered why he hadn’t noticed that in the first place.
“Sorry about that. Just a little fangasm, ya know?” Flash smiled. Soarin couldn’t help but buster a laugh.
“Fangasm? Nice one! You know, most colts and fillies just stand there and drool.” Soarin emulated his fans’ behavior, waving his hooves and rolling his eyes for effect. Flash giggled. “You know what kid, I think you’re one of a kind! Just like that girl, Rainbow Dash.”
“SOARIN?!” cried the voice of a young mare. The two stallions jerked their heads to see a hovering, and somewhat deranged, mare flying just before them. Flash recognized her from the castle: rainbow tail and mane with a cyan coat. The one and only Rainbow Dash.
“Buck,” Soarin cursed under his breath. He used his hooves to turn Flash back to him. “Quick lesson sonny, or else we’ll never get alone time. Got it?”
Flash frantically nodded, internally screaming in fear for his homosexuality from the attractive mare. Soarin smiled and brought their muzzles together.
The effect was immediate. Rainbow Dash gave off a screech that resembled a dying pterodactyl and dropped from the sky. With a small pomf, the unconscious fangirl landed on a cloud. She wouldn’t see daylight for a good three hours with the spike in blood pressure. Her wings sprung from her sides, blood rushing to them even in her sleep.
Flash had a similar reaction as his wings popped out. He had never kissed a pony outside his family before. Of course, like any other pony, he kissed his mother as a colt. And his father. And his aunt. And sister. And second cousin. The Ass as well. Okay, perhaps he had more experience than he gave himself credit for. His thoughts turned off as he leaned forward and accepted the kiss.
The immediate sensation was moisture. Everything about the kiss was wet, most likely thanks to the cloud. It certainly was making Flash and his dress moist. Flash moaned as Soarin deepened his hold onto the younger pegasus, coaxing his mouth open and slipping his tongue into Flash’s mouth. Flash’s wings shuddered as their tongues intertwined.
Taking the initiative, Flash slipped a hoof between Soarin’s wing joints and pulled the stallion closer. The two began exploring each other as their hooves traveled everywhere in reach. Their speed picked up until Soarin leaned over, causing Flash to fall backwards onto the cloud. Flash felt a hoof slip under his skirt.
The make-out session lasted quite a few minutes before the two pegasi pulled away from each other, panting. Soarin wiped his brow and grinned.
“You got some guts, kid!” Soarin peaked over Flash’s shoulder toward the ground. It was then Flash noticed his wings had been beating the entire time. Flash followed his gaze toward the ground and saw a small clearing in the forest underneath them.
“Um, are we going somewhere?” he asked, scratching his groomed mane.
“Yup! We’re going camping!”
“First thing’s first, whip out your stick.” Flash obeyed, whipping out his stick from under his dress. He kicked out his forelegs as Soarin kneeled in front of him. Licking his lips in concentration, the Wonderbolt leaned forward and gingerly took the stick in both hooves. He moved his hooves up and down, slowly as to not hurt it. “You don’t want to be rough at first, otherwise you’ll hurt yourself.”
Flash relaxed as his camping partner took charge. Soarin intensified his movements, then abruptly slowed down to a crawl. Flash couldn’t help but coo at the mastery of it all. Soarin eyed his work with a gleam in his eyes as he began to finish it off.
“When you think you’re about done, you ought to take it in your mouth and suck it,” Soarin suggested as he placed a hoof on Flash’s knee while holding the stick in the other. Flash shuddered at the physical contact. He was never going anywhere without his dress again! With that suggestion in mind, a question came to him.
“Why? Can’t you just use your hooves to finish?” Flash asked as the Wonderbolt cocked an eye at him. Soarin shrugged.
“I suppose you could, but it’s better this way. It just feels right, trust me.” With that said, Soarin leaned forward and opened his mouth, taking the stick. His teeth nibbled on it, his tongue licking every inch of it. Flash watched the show in awe, a satisfied sigh escaping his lips.. Once he finished, Soarin stood up on all fours with the stick in his mouth.
“And that’s how you whittle a stick with your bare hooves!” Soarin announced as he turned his head and spat the wooden stick onto the fireplace where they were gathering kindle. He would use it later to start the fire, but nightfall was a ways away. Flash applauded, giving a whoop as he did so.
“That was awesome!” Flash exclaimed. “So can I grab some of your nuts now?”
Soarin nodded and tossed the jar of peanuts to Flash. Soarin grabbed a banana he had brought with him and slowly peeled it. He made eye contact with the other pegasus as he slowly ate it.
“Twilight! Twilight!” A rainbow blur cried as it dashed into the library, interrupting Twilight’s concentration. The alicorn rolled her eyes and put down her journal, sliding it under the table.
“Yes Rainbow Dash? What is it?” she asked, still somewhat glum over yesterday’s rejection. Rainbow Dash jumped to the table and reached for Twilight’s journal. Twilight pushed to stop her, but the scuffle led to a tug-o-war between the two frantic mares.
“Yes!” Rainbow Dash rolled backwards, holding the journal. Twilight shakingly stood back on her hooves as Rainbow Dash took a pen in her mouth and began erasing and writing words.
“What are you doing?!” Twilight screamed, frantic to take back her property. “What are you doing to my Celestia fanfiction!”
Rainbow Dash scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Pft, you are such an egghead. Everypony knows that self-inserts are laaaaaaame!”
“No they’re not!” Twilight screamed, her wings outstretched in anger. “They’re the most accurate depiction of writer’s imagination through use of an avatar!”
“Pleaseee.” Rainbow Dash scribbled a few more words before flipping to a new page. “Ahem. It was then the solar princess lay her angelic wings on the bedsheet of her divine shade, bare and awaiting my entrance as I lowered my-”
“Okay that’s enough!” Twilight interrupted as she used magic to snatch her journal back. She hugged it against herself, her eyes dampening. “What do you want?”
“I just had the best idea ever!” Rainbow Dash dashed to her friend and grabbed her shoulders. “The only thing better than lesbian fiction… is slash fiction!”
“What? Rainbow, that’s the same thing!” Twilight hissed. Rainbow Dash scrunched her lips in realization.
“Oh yeah. I meant dudes, Twilight! We can ship dudes!”
Twilight’s eyes widened. “W-why… WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?!”
The two mares squealed and promptly got to work, spending the whole night writing. Well, Twilight did. Rainbow Dash just took all the credit.
Author's Note
Thank you I HV NO FEAR!!! (for editing)
This is probably the gayest chapter I have ever written, literally.
So the next chapter, in case any of you have noticed a pattern, will feature the last guest appearance of everyone's favorite ponies. Will it be a mare this time? Or a stallion? Any guesses?
So many possibilities...
Flash Sentry and the Elements of Homosexuality
Interlude: My Little Immortals
“When in Rome, do as the Romanes do,” the man whispered to himself as he smugly adjusted his tie in one fluid motion. He strolled through the main hall of the Palace he had mysteriously appeared in mere moments ago. Every guard was preoccupied with another, confessing their undying love and creating intimate moments as the man walked. The unicorns touched horns together, the pegasi beat their wings in moments of ecstasy, and the earth ponies were demonstrating their stamina as few stopped to regain their breath.
He was a traveler, one who walked across the crossroads of the universe. Among friends, caped crusaders, and even ponies he spread love. Homosexual love to be precise. Females of all species were vulnerable to his charm, but he held a special place in his heart for love that only males could share. No male to this day could resist his magnificent suit, and those who claimed to do so were quick to change their minds upon his arrival.
This new world was strange, alien even to him. He was used to traveling across worlds that could only spawn from human imagination, but this one took the cake. One of his many friends had suggested they rendezvous here during their vacation. Regardless of the fact that the dominant species appeared to be equines, the man had a job to do.
The Palace was quite extravagant, even for his tastes. Most of the architecture appeared to be made out of crystal rather than marble. As the man strutted toward the crystal throne, he couldn’t help but notice that any monarchy or nobility was surprisingly absent. Strange, must be a rather laid back dimension.
Speaking of dimensions: magic in this world was abundant, most likely tied to the life-force of the planet. Magic was very useful, after all. Watching some of the more creative unicorns in the corner was proof of that. Part of the man was jealous as he observed the display..
“Ah…” the man sighed as he sat down on the throne, eyeing his new castle. “It feels good to be the king.”
Fortunately for the man, his statement was not spawned from hubris. In several civilizations across the multiverse he was hailed as their ruler, sometimes as a god. Other than the more cult-like practices, he rarely interfered in their worship. After all, he had earned it and rightfully deserved his place among their legends and gods.
He reminisced about the good old days, when the greatest homosexuals back home had taught him everything he knew. Then he grew up, became sexy as hell, and surpassed even the greatest of men in homosexuality. And that was without the suit and tie.
“You’ve done good,” the man congratulated himself. It had taken him a grand total of ten minutes (Not his best, but he was feeling a bit off today) to turn the entire castle’s guards gay for each other. “You’ve done good.”
A rip in space/time abruptly appeared before him. The man didn’t bat an eye as a strange blue box popped into existence before the tear repaired itself. It was a blue police box, like the ones in those movies back in the day. Like the ones back home. A small brown pony poked his head outside the blue door, taking in his surroundings before leaving his sanctuary. Hourglass cutie mark, rugged brown mane…
“Tennant!” The man on the throne casually lifted up and strode forward to greet his old friend. The pony whipped his head back to the man, widening his eyes as recognition took hold. The earth pony yelped and leaped into the man’s open arms, embracing him with tender feelings and tears.
“It’s good to see you again!” The man set down the earth pony and kneeled down, eye to eye. “You look… different. New haircut?”
The pony scoffed. “Well golly, I wonder what could possibly be different about me. Maybe I purchased a new tie, bow ties are rather nice. Maybe it was the fact I’m a completely new species never before seen in our dimension!” The excited pony began bouncing in place.
“Ah.” The man rubbed his chin in contemplation. “So that’s how multiuniversal regeneration works. Interesting. Very interesting”
“Yup! It’s Time Turner now, but you can call me Doctor Whooves. Everypony does,” the stallion said with a flip of his hair. “But enough chit chat for now. I have important news!” The Doctor reached into, what can only be explained as the infinite complexity know as Hammar Space, and pulled out a rather large contraption. It looked like a giant PKE meter with several knobs and dials.
“Hey buddy,” the man called out to the distracted stallion, pulling on small levers. “What is that?”
Doctor Whooves noticed the man was pointing at his thingy-ma-what’sit. “Oh, this is my Hiney Whiney Detector™ . It goes boop when there’s stuff.”
“What kind of stuff?”
The stallion grinned. “Homosexual stuff. What else?”
The man returned the smug grin, adjusting his tie as he did so. The stallion briefly swooned before shaking his head to clear his thoughts. Now was not the time to be gay, that could wait for later. A blasphemy, of course, but a necessary one at that.
“We need to hurry,” Doctor Whooves warned. “We haven’t much time. She’s on her way there now.”
The man gasped. “You don’t mean..? Where?!” He groaned as the stallion slowly nodded. There was no way that pink menace could have followed him here! Unless… this was her homeworld. There wasn’t any other possible way! Damn fangirls...
“She's on her way to Ponyville now, to spread her false ‘love.’ “
Cursing under his breath, the man adjusted his tie again. “Damn femme fatale. Shoving her heterosexual agenda down our throats. Doesn’t she understand what true love is?” The stallion nodded in agreement as he handed the gadget to the suited man. The man’s eyes widened as he saw the measurements on display.
“My god… is this what I think it is?” The measurements were off the charts!
“Yes,” the stallion confirmed, a tad excited. “You know what that means!”
“My-.” The human reached his hand down, receiving a pair of sunglasses from the stallion. He put them on without missing a beat. “-god.” He whipped them off dramatically, revealing a smaller pair of sunglasses in their place. The stallion nearly dropped unconscious as blood rushed to his cheeks.
“We found him!” The stallion stomped his hooves in excitement. The man nodded.
“The chosen one.”
The man walked to the police box as the stallion took point, leading him to the control console. The stallion entered several coordinates as the man adjusted his tie once more.
“Well Tennant. Looks like this is going to be Legen-”
“...” The stallion blinked at the man. He waited a few heartbeats before finishing. With a whoosh! the machine disappeared, on it’s way to save homosexuality as a single echo was left in its place.
“-DARY!”
Author's Note
Sorry for the short chapter, but I wanted to foreshadow something. I promise another, longer chapter will be here in awhile. And then the epic finale! Just who is this mysterious pink menace? Surely, Pinkie Pie would never get in the way of true love?! Also, I kind of don't want to be beat to death by a dildo so I decided to play it safe.
Also, for anyone who gets it: a little reward
