Cranky & Drift

"Now there was a time when you loved me so."

"I couldn't do wrong, and now you need to know."

"See, I've been a bad, bad, bad, bad man, and I'm in deep."

"I found a brand new love for this man, and can't wait till you see!"

"So how ya like me now?"

-The Heavy

...

"Interloper!" young Thunderhooves shouted as the buffalo closed in around Cranky Doodle Donkey.

"Take it easy, I don't want any trouble!" Cranky replied, shaking his head and backing away.

"You should have thought of that before you began poaching our tribe for fur!" Thunderhooves shot back, slamming his hoof against the ground.

"I don't know what you're talking about, honest!" Cranky protested loudly, sweating.  "I'm just trying to cross the desert!"

"You're the only non-buffalo we've seen in the past several days, aside from our honorary!" Thunderhooves retorted.  "And you are wandering our sacred stampeding grounds!  I refuse to believe that you just happened to be crossing this desert! Kill him!"  The buffalo began to close in around Cranky, who sank to the ground, bracing himself for the end.

"Hold it!" a voice called out among the crowd.  The buffalo ceased their attack, and turned.  Cranky looked up to see a stallion, yellow of coat and black of mane, navigating his way through the crowd.  He sported a brown, hooded cloak and had a large knife strapped to his side.  His cutie mark was a wooden log.

"You have something to say, No-Moss?" Thunderhooves asked.

"Listen, mate," No-Moss replied in an accent that Cranky didn't recognize, "I really don't think our poachers would just up and wander the desert in broad daylight where we could catch 'em, do you?"

"I suppose that would be incredibly stupid," Thunderhooves replied, nodding slowly.  "Still, this donkey is trespassing upon our sacred stampeding grounds, and he must answer for that!"

"Yeah, sure, obviously he needs to answer for that!" No-Moss said, feigning laughter.  "How dare he and so forth,"  No-Moss gently shook his hoof at Cranky, who stared back at the stallion wide-eyed.  "I'll guard him on the way back."

"Very well, back to camp, where the donkey will stand trial!" Thunderhooves shouted as they all took off.  "If you try to run, we will trample you into the dust!"  He glared back at Cranky, who gulped.

"Don't worry, mate," No-Moss replied, trotting alongside Cranky.  "You'll just get a slap on the wrist or something.  I'll plead your case and get you on your way.  I know how to talk to these guys."

"I appreciate that.  No-Moss, was it?"

"That's just the tribal name the buffalo gave me.  Name's Drifting Wood," the stallion replied.

"I'm Cranky," the donkey said, nodding.

"Name or current mood?" Drifting Wood asked, cocking his eyebrow.

"Both, actually."

...

"Guilty!" Thunderhooves' father, Chief Quickfoot declared, stomping his hooves repeatedly as the other buffalo reciprocated.

"In my defense," Drifting Wood said, turning to Cranky, "you didn't give me a whole lot to work with, mate.  Multiple eye-witnesses identified you as being at the scene of the crime."

"That's because I was there!" Cranky shouted, scowling.  "Everyone was there!  That part shouldn't have come as a surprise to ya!"

"See, that right there?  Admission of guilt.  That's the mistake you kept making on the stand," Drifting Wood replied, shaking his head.

"Oh for crying out loud," Cranky muttered, smacking his forehead, "are you some kinda idiot?"

"Well I was going to save your ass during appeals, but now you can forget it!"

"Okay, this is ridiculous.  Chief?" Cranky called out.  The Chief ceased his stomping and gave Cranky his attention.  "This is just a big misunderstanding.  I'm on a very important journey, I've been walking for days, and I got lost in the desert.  I'm sorry I trespassed, but please, don't punish me for a simple mistake!"

"Hmm," Quickfoot grunted, scratching his chin.  "You seem genuinely penitent.  Very well, I will offer a compromise.  You will do a favor for us, and in return, we will let you go"

"My client and I will have to deliberate," Drifting Wood interjected, attempting to lead Cranky off to the side.

"No we won't!" Cranky replied quickly, swatting Wood's arm away.  "Just tell me the details."

"Seeing as how you are non-buffalo, you just might be able to catch the poachers who have plagued our steps.  You will follow our herd from a distance beginning tomorrow morning and keep an eye on things.  Should you see any suspicious activity, you will investigate it, then report back to us."

"You'd trust me to do that?" Cranky asked.

"No-Moss will accompany you and make sure that you stay the course and complete your task," the Chief responded.  "Similar attempts by him alone have been unsuccessful, but with a second pair of eyes, perhaps we will be able to identify our culprit."

"What exactly's been happening?" Cranky asked, sitting down.

"We believe they track us during the day," the Chief began, "and at night, they kidnap our kin, two at a time, and..." the Chief began to shudder.

"And?" Cranky asked, leaning forward.

"And..." the Chief's lower lip began to shake as tears formed in his eyes.

"And what!?" Cranky asked, his eyes widening.

"They shave us!" a buffalo cried.  Cranky turned to look at the speaker and a short scream escaped his mouth.  Before him stood a completely hairless buffalo.  He sobbed into the bend of his elbow as a nearby friend patted his shoulder.

"Men, women, even children," the Chief added, shaking his bowed head, "they take them all, blindfolded, and de-fur them!  Then, they put them back the next morning, naked as the day they were born, except more so!"  He allowed a sniffle.  "Our Shaven are exposed to the elements of the desert!  The unforgiving sun, the bitter cold of the night, and most of us do not have the necessary funds to purchase the trendy coats and accessories required to fill the void that has been left behind!"  All eyes glared at one particular Shaven who was clad in a rather nice fleece hoodie and comfortable flannel pajama bottoms.

"These were a gift!" he whined, backing away and lowering his head.

"The whole situation sounds horrible," Cranky interrupted, nodding his head solemnly.  "It's also a little bit weird, but mostly horrible.  I would be honored to aid you in your attempt to catch the ones responsible!"

"Splendid!" Chief Quickfoot exclaimed, clapping his hooves together.  "Do this for us, Cranky Doodle Donkey, and you will not only be forgiven of your transgressions, but regarded as an honorary member of our tribe!"  The other buffalo stomped their hooves in agreement and began cheering his name.

"Told you I'd get you out of this," Drifting Wood said, nudging Cranky.

"Never become a lawyer," Cranky replied.  "Though I guess you did stop 'em from killing me on sight in the first place, so thanks for that, kid."

"All in a day's work," Drifting replied, rapidly raising and lowering his brow while grinning.

"A day's work, huh?" Cranky asked.  "We'll have one of those tomorrow while we play lookout."

"Yeah, about that," Drifting replied, "that's really more like two days' worth of work for me, so I'm gonna have to ask you to pay overtime.  And then, of course, there are my legal fees."

"Let's just get some shuteye and get this over with," Cranky sighed, walking away.

"Alright," Drifting Wood whispered, "new friend!"