War Machine of Doom

by lolitsme

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Trixie, Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 7561

Trollfic: Twilight stages a coup with Trixie.

Trollfic: A peek into the perilous purview of pointlessly perverse purple prose.

Trixie commissions a War Machine™ from the Diamond Dogs and uses it to revenge Twilight Sparkle. Nonsense ensues.

Published 2014-02-02 04:50:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-02 04:50:04 UTC

Chapter 1: Did you know this field has a limit of 250 characters?

The War Machine of Doom

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction by lolitsme

The original grammar-less version can be found here if the reader desires to read something less dense. Spoiler alert: the plotline is the mostly the same between versions, except for many ~~important~~ minor and inconsequential details, and so it is extremely inane regardless of the version chosen. Regardless, it is recommended to read the original before this version.

Chapter One: The Establishment of the Premise of the Work of Fiction and Subsequent Mild Cliffhanger to Pique the Reader's Curiosity as to what Events will Follow to Entice Further Readership in a Manner Generally Accepted for the Medium of Serial Fiction

A large fusion-powered ball of mostly hydrogen plasma emitted many photons of black-body radiation and other fusion-related phenomena onto the cluster of buildings in which cartoonish equine lifeforms lived during the early portion of the twenty-four hour unit of time known as a day. Said cluster of buildings was a town named for the colloquial name of these equine lifeforms, "pony"; thus, the name of the group of buildings was Ponyville. However, some of these habitations within the town of Ponyville were not exposed to the aforementioned photons emitted by the large ball of plasma. Some examples of these living areas included the dwellings of dogs named for a covalent crystal mineral made of carbon, which perhaps were not so much buildings as holes excavated underground. In addition, these holes may not have been located in the vicinity of the other buildings generally referred to by the name Ponyville. Furthermore, some of the living areas were not spaced far enough apart for one house to not cast a shadow on the other, and so these buildings were not illuminated by the photons of the bright ball. These buildings and subterranean spaces will hereafter be referred to as "hiding" from the bright ball, due to the affinity that one of the rulers, a tall white equine with a horn and a pair of wings, of the country or kingdom that contains the town of Ponyville with the large ball of plasma.

Anyway, speaking of hiding, there was one of these cartoonish equine lifeforms who was also hiding from the large bright ball of plasma (on another note, it's rather unhealthy to look directly at this ball) inside one of the spaces underground that were dug out by the canines named for a usually transparent crystal. This equine with a blue coat, lighter blue mane and tail, a horn, no wings, and a wand and crescent cutie mark in multiple other shades of blue was thoroughly planning her revenge on an entirely different pony that had a lavender coat, dark blue mane and tail with purple and pink streaks, a horn, no wings, and a pink starburst with white sparkles as her cutie mark. This blue pony's name (or, rather, her title) was The Great and Powerful Trixie. Whether this title was earned or self-proclaimed is unknown, but her stage persona suggests the latter, as she has a proclivity to brag and enhance the truth. The world may never know exactly how great and powerful this supposedly great and powerful Trixie is.

Inside the excavated space underground, it was quite dim and poorly lit. This lack of light is mostly due to the fact that the numerous wave-particles known as photons which are seen by us as "light" that were being emitted by the large ball of plasma or any other source of illumination were not able to reach the underground tunnel in which the blue horned equine was located. Unfortunately for the blue pony, her situation required secrecy from the ruler of the land, and rumours abounded about her ability to see anything that reflected photons from her big ball of fusion-powered plasma. Thus, the blue pony felt (mostly from intuition and paranoia) that it was best for her to keep her plans underground, as it were. The consequences of the elder ruler (also rumoured to be a goddess) finding out what her plans were for her favoured student would likely have been dire. Said plans involved a large mechanical, magical, and electrical automaton in the shape of a pony. Incidentally, the size of this automaton would likely have prevented the Great and Powerful Trixie from hiding the automaton inside one of the numerous indoors living spaces located within the town of Ponyville. Thus, the last available location for the Great and Powerful Trixie was within the underground tunnels of the dogs named for hard transparent crystals.

Her robot was mostly blue (like her) and had various coloured streaks in other shades of blue and some shades of purple running down its body from the head. The body was made of a blue metal, which could have been mithril, some other generic grey metal dyed blue or turned blue through some other means such as an illusion. The cockpit, located in the head as one might expect, was mostly comprised of a translucent teal material closely resembling plastic but probably much more resilient. The inside of the cockpit was only large enough to comfortably seat one pony (obviously the Great and Powerful Trixie) and had a vast expanse of controls in the form of (mostly extraneous) joysticks and buttons. Some of these controls were labelled things like "left front leg", "right back leg", "secondary lasers", "fireworks", "emergency ejection system", "self-destruct", "kill", "car wash", "chaos defrost" and "wash dishes".

"Stupid purple pony with a horn and a dark blue mane with purple and pink streaks thinks that she can embarrass the Great and Powerful Trixie twice," she grumbled in a powerful manner, "I'll show her the true meaning of embarrassment." Were the pony she was talking about here, she may have responded that it was an honour to learn from an expert in the field.

"Um, excuse me, pony, but I would like to inquire into what exactly my pony master is doing with the large machine that closely resembles a pony?" said a tall lanky brown diamond dog.

"Excuse me?" said the Great and Powerful Trixie with much sass. "Trixie's name is Trixie, not pony master, you mangy mutt!" she added indignantly.

"Apologies, Trixie, but I was curious as to what exactly you planned to accomplish with the large mechanical robot that you commissioned us to construct."

"Oh, Trixie is simply using the large transformer machine to defeat Twilight Sparkle and rule Ponyville forever!" shouted Trixie melodramatically.

"Okay then, master Trixie, is there any way in which I can be of service?" asked the diamond dog obediently.

"No, there is not, stupid dog, so I would firmly request you to leave the premises," replied Trixie haughtily. "It is now time for me to leave and take over the settlement of ponies known as Ponyville, so I will set out inside my large robotic model of a pony." The dog left as per the blue magician pony's orders and left for his living area which was somewhere else in the vast network of tunnels. On his way back, he started to sniffle and cry because he felt much affection for the blue pony since he'd first seen her but had not been able to express his desires sufficiently well and now she hated him. Trixie teleported into the cockpit located at the cranial area of the large robotic pony and commanded it to dig itself and her out of the tunnel.

Trixie emerged above ground at a very familiar looking gem field. In fact, it had been at this exact patch of ground that a certain white ponyfriend of the pony she was going to revenge had been ponynapped by the dogs named for crystals that she now lorded over. However, Trixie did not actually know that because she had no affiliations with all of the parties involved in the aforementioned incident, so perhaps the previous use of the word 'familiar' was not appropriate because it was completely new and foreign to Trixie. In the general vicinity of the area that used to be littered with holes, there were still many clear coloured minerals commonly referred to as 'gems'. Trixie, however, was not interested in the plethora of shiny sparkly gemstones or various colours available to her. An apt comparison for how many gems were in that field would be akin to a jewelry store that had recently been purchasing a lot of new stock and also doing poorly in terms of sales, which would result in the store having a lot of gems and jewelry inside of it.

Trixie was still sitting inside the cockpit inside the head of her large and gigantic metallic replica of an equine lifeform that was not actually alive. She was rather preoccupied with the controls at the moment, due to the complexity of making a quadrupedal robot move while having to individually control each of its leg-analogues. She silently cursed her own decision to make the controls so complicated for the sake of saving money and repeated her mantra of "back left, front right, front left, back right" as she operated the controls and made the robot move itself (and her with it) to her destination. If only she had some sort of short label or name, perhaps a single letter, that she could give to each of the controls to simplify her task. Unfortunately, she did not have the bright idea to do so, and continued her laborious method of operating the robot to the town of Ponyville.

Chapter 2: I didn't, until just now.

Chapter Two: The Initiation of Conflict by the Antagonizing Party who Appears to Have the Clear Advantage and the Subsequent Loss of Hope by the Protagonist(s) and Their Entourage of Minor Supporting Characters due to a Lack of Methods to Respond to the Offending Act of the Antagonist with Brute Force or Otherwise Resolve the Conflict Peacefully

The large ball of mostly hydrogen plasma in the sky was still emitting large amounts of photons onto the land of Equestria, mostly because it was still around the halfway point in the twenty-four hour unit of time known as a day when the Great and Powerful Trixie rode into the town of Ponyville in her gigantic robotic model of a pony that was not to scale, actually a few times larger than an average pony. In fact, the robot was so large that if one uncoiled and lined all of the wires inside it end to end, it would circle the land of Equestria more than thirty four times, and if one were to coil them back into a large ball, it would be approximately the size of an extremely large pony rolled up into a ball, about the size of the robot pony that the Great and Powerful Trixie was riding in.

And so the giant automaton and Trixie made their way into the main central meeting location of the town of Ponyville, colloquially referred to as the "town square" even though it was more of a circle than a square. A certain pink pony with a certain flower as her cutie mark screamed in horror immediately before fainting in shock.

In a location that was most definitely not the town square, a sizeable gathering of ponies were present at the Ponyville Golden Oaks Books and Branches Library, one of which was Ponyville's resident librarian (of course), Twilight Sparkle. The other ponies, in no particular order (especially not alphabetical) were Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. They were gathered in the library built from a tree to celebrate a certain momentous occasion, one so earthshakingly important that Ponyville's premier pink party pony with preternatural predictive powers felt it necessary to throw a party in celebration. The party was aptly titled "No-houses-destroyed-in-Ponyville-for-a-week-party", in celebration of the incredibly rare event that no houses in Ponyville had been destroyed within the time frame of the past one hundred and sixty eight hours.

As a result of this particular party, Pinkie Pie had felt it necessary to decorate the library, as she would for any other party she threw. Along the walls and floors were a variety of decorations added specifically for a party, in accordance with the usual conventions of a Pinkie Pie party. These decorations included, but were not limited to, mostly spherical rubber objects filled with a lighter-than-air gaseous fluid, thin long strips of paper twirled a non-zero number of times, a long white piece of fabric with (most of) the title of the party written in legible but still poor hoofwriting in blood red ink. The colour of the rubber flotation devices varied from pink to blue to yellow to several other hues of colour in between the three mentioned colours. The strips of paper also had very varied colours, including vermillion, celadon, scarlet, chartreuse (despite the protests of the white fashionista pony who was Pinkie's friend also), lavender, mauve, and brown.

Suddenly, one of the many windows in the library shattered into exactly seventy pieces, which would have given the pony responsible, likely Trixie, seventy years of bad luck had the glass been part of a mirror instead of a window. The sound of the window breaking into seventy pieces was greatly overshadowed by the resulting thud of what sounded like a large metallic object making contact with the ground in a violent manner. All nine of the candy-coloured equine lifeforms gathered and exited through the main entrance of the library to see what was the cause of such a large commotion.

Upon seeing the purple pony who is also a librarian that she wished to revenge, the Great and Powerful Trixie's eyes lit up in anticipation. Correspondingly, some red lights in the eye-analogue of the giant equine-shaped robot lit up to notify her of the presence of the previously mentioned purple librarian pony. "Twilight Sparkle!" she shouted with authority, though nopony other than herself heard much of anything because Trixie was still inside the cockpit of the giant metallic robot machine in the shape of a pony. She cursed a series of increasingly colourful words as she fumbled and bumbled with the controls until she found the one for the microphone activation sequence. As she pressed the button, several panels on the mouth-analogue of the giant robot spinned around, revealing similarly giant speakers (capable of producing sounds up to 193 dB, at which point the atmospheric pressure becomes a limiting factor). She repeated her statement of her rival's name. "Twilight Sparkle! I, the Great and Powerful Trixie, have tolerated your continued and prolonged harassment and embarrassment for far too long! Trixie challenges you to a duel, in single combat, and the loser of this duel will leave Ponyville --"

At this, Pinkie Pie, Ponyville's premier pink party pony with preternatural predictive powers, perplexingly and paradoxically popped into the periwinkle pony's (Pinkie's prospective patsy) periphery to shout "FOREVER!" in her trademark menacing tone. Trixie, for her part, was quite obviously surprised and scowled menacingly in a feeble attempt to reassemble her facade of bravado. Pinkie Pie shortly reappeared next to her friends, looking on at the robot with an expression of awe that suggested she'd stayed in the same spot for the past sixty seconds or so just like the others.

Trixie finally composed herself enough to continue with her tirade. "Yes, exactly what she said. The loser of the duel will be exiled from Ponyville, forever!" This time, Trixie was ready for the not as surprising interruption from Pinkie Pie, and was able to complete her sentence despite her accompaniment.

Silence reigned in the wake of her words. It was as if there was a zone about forty metres around where suddenly the personification of silence decided "oh, why not" and decided to annex the land from Equestria. Naturally, due to the way silence operates, the celestial diarchs, rulers of the land of Equestria were completely unaware of the transgression that silence had made. Were they to be aware of the impunity with which silence had attacked, they might have retaliated accordingly with judicious application of the Royal Canterlot Voice, which would effectively disperse silence for the next few minutes afterward due to ringing ears.

Finally, after an academy-record-breaking six minutes, the tyranny of silence was overthrown. Twilight Sparkle shook her head to clear it and spoke up. All she managed was a single word, and yet with that one word she managed to say all that was on her mind: "WHAT?"

"You heard what Trixie said perfectly well, Twilight. Unless you've become hard of hearing as of late?" Trixie snapped in a snippy sort of way.

Twilight shook her head again as if it might change the circumstances under which she'd meet Trixie once more. "A duel?" she said tentatively, "No, no, no, no! This isn't the way it's supposed to have turned out! We were supposed to meet at a nice restaurant, or have a candlelit dinner, not confront each other for a high-stakes conflict with irreversible consequences!" Twilight took a deep breath in and was about to continue her rant (she was only about seven percent done) when Trixie cut her off.

"So do you, Twilight Sparkle, forfeit the duel? That's all I care about really, since I am extremely monodimensional and singularly motivated by the prospect of your defeat or embarrassment at my hooves," Trixie said, ignoring the majority of what the purple librarian pony said.

"I love you Trixie, don't you see?!" proclaimed Twilight in an extremely dramatic manner that is so dramatic it is incapable of being documented with mere words.

Pinkie Pie's eyes widened and she gasped one of her trademark gasps which almost inflated her into a round pink balloon with legs. Before she's able to express her surprise in another fashion, though, she remembers something critical to her. "Wait, Trixie, did you break houses on your way here?!" she asked menacingly.

"Huh?" said Trixie, who wasn't capable of parsing her speech at that fast of a rate.

"I said, did. You. Break. Houses. On. Your. Way. Here?!" repeated Pinkie Pie, putting just the right amount of emphasis on each of her words and advancing on the giant robot containing Trixie.

"Of course Trixie did, how else do you imbeciles think I got this giant robot pony, which Trixie made entirely herself, Trixie might add, in front of the Ponyville library? This robot is bigger than the puny dirt roads you have in a backwater hick-town like this!" she responded, as if the fact was clear as a particularly clear day.

Pinkie Pie sighed. "So much for my no-houses-destroyed-in-Ponyville-for-a-week-party'. Well, there's always next time. Right, everypony?" Her head lowered dejectedly.

"Now is not the time for that, Pinkie Pie! I'm kind of busy declaring my love for Trixie here!" Twilight said, mildly aggravated that her metaphorical thunder was being stolen.

"Wait, I've got an idea! We can make the party a Twilight-is-finally-proclaiming-her-love-for-Trixie-that-she's-had-for-years-party! This'll be great! Suddenly, for no reason other than because Pinkie Pie, the red writing on the white banner switched from "No-houses-destroyed-in-Ponyville-for-a-we" to "Twilight-is-finally-proclaiming-her-love-". Despite her strange abilities, the new writing wasn't any smaller than it originally was, resulting in the longer new party name being even more cut off than the original was. One would think that Ponyville would have gotten better at the whole "fitting it all in" thing by now, but apparently Pinkie Pie keeps banners hidden all around Ponyville that are deliberately too short "in case of unintentional inadvertent innuendo emergency".

"Oh will you shut your trap for once?" asked the Great and Powerful Trixie, extremely aggravated at how long her victory over Twilight Sparkle(which was supposed to be quick and painless for all parties involved, save Pinkie's) was taking. "Now just where did you get the idea that a pony of the Great and Powerful Trixie's status," she continued, throwing a multicoloured pyrotechnic display into the air above her giant robot, "would harbour any sort of affection for a disdainful pony like you?" She raised her nose upon saying the last word for extreme emphasis.

"I - I thought that you might have wanted to be special someponies, but I see how it is!" Twilight started to cry, and shook her head emotionally. "I guess I'll leave Ponyville forever so you don't ever have to see me again," she added before running off with a velocity of thirty-two feet per second north.

Rainbow Dash, finally taking the conversation by its metaphorical reins, piped up and said "Oh no you didn't! You didn't just make Twilight cry, did you? Because around these parts, there's a pretty severe penalty for doing that without a good reason, and you definitely don't have one, you jerk!" She was about to fly up towards the face-analogue of the giant robot pony head was to some degree interrupted when her tail was grabbed by Applejack's mouth.

"Ah get that you're a mite angry at Trixie, Rainbow Dash, but don't ya think we gotta help Twi first?" she suggested suggestively.

Rainbow Dash was about to retort but then deflated a bit before realizing that yes, Twilight Sparkle was higher on the imaginary priority list than showing up Trixie for being extremely rude. She waited only a small amount of time, around a second or two, resulting in a total delay of fifty-seven seconds between Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash's departures, before shooting off at a velocity of thirty seven metres per second north-northwest. The time at which Twilight and Rainbow would meet up is left as an exercise to the reader, given that Rainbow Dash can spot Twilight Sparkle from four kilometres without obstructions.

Inexplicably, none of Twilight's other friends (including, but not limited to, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, possibly Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and all of her other friends that weren't present to witness what had just happened) felt the need to go look for her, probably because they knew Rainbow Dash was on the case already and she was figuratively the fastest pegasus alive. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on the many possible points of view that one can take in a story like this), they were present to witness the first (and last) hostile takeover of Ponyville by way of embarrassment and bravado.

In the wake of her victory, Trixie found it very appropriate to start laughing maniacally. Her laughs started off fairly quietly, as the realization that she had actually defeated Twilight Sparkle was just starting to sink in. Just as her laughter started to pick up, however, she realized she was not being dramatic enough and sheepishly stopped momentarily to lower the light blue screen keeping her safe. Now safe to laugh at her heart's content about her glorious and hard-won victory, the volume of her laughs started at 60dB and increased quadratically for six seconds before peaking at its maximum volume. The exact loudness of Trixie is again left as an exercise to the reader.

Once she was finished laughing, she got up off of the floor of the cockpit of the giant robot in the shape of a pony that she had commissioned from the dogs named for a usually white transparent crystal made of covalently bonded carbon and stood majestically in a gentle breeze she summoned that made her cape billow beautifully in the wind. "Now that I have defeated Twilight Sparkle in single combat, Ponyville will be mine to rule --"

"FOREVER!"

"Shut up, Pinkie Pie!" everypony else shouted.

Chapter 3: I mean, it's quite a reasonable limit, if you think about it.

Chapter Three: The Incredibly Unforeshadowed Plot Twist In Favour of the Protagonist(s) Just as They Appear to be Inconsolable and Defeated by the Mechanisms and Machinations of the Antagonizing Party Resulting in a Surprise Ending that the Author Hopes the Average Reader Would not Have Been Able to Predict Through Normal Means Followed by Even More Surprising and Nonsensical Plot Twists that are Only Foreshadowed by This Title Resulting in the End, the Victory of the Protagonist and Reconciliation for All in a Thrilling Conclusion

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SPECIAL SOMEPONY MAKERS!" shouted the Cutie Mark Crusaders as they rushed out the door and flung a love potion and pinecone at Trixie. Surprisingly, their plan didn't horribly backfire and end up with the three of them covered in the liquid generally found within the trunk of a tall wooden plant with many branches and leaves. In fact, both of the objects they threw struck true. Furthermore, Trixie's mouth had been hung open in shock at what had just happened, allowing the potion to smash in her face, getting a significant amount of liquid love potion into her mouth and glass in her face. The pinecone also hit her face, but unfortunately for all parties involved, did not make it inside her mouth for her to eat. This extremely minor detail was actually of no consequence and did not matter at all to the plot.

The effects of the love potion were immediate and obvious. Trixie's eyes turned from regular ones equipped with parts such as (but not limited to) the vitreous humour, a lens, a retina, an iris, and a pupil into round white balls with pink hearts on their fronts. Whether Trixie was still capable of seeing with her eyes was debatable, however, what was not debatable was that she was now in love with Twilight Sparkle with all her heart, which remained as it was unlike her eyes. In fact, if one were to be an omniscient narrator, one would be able to see that Trixie loved Twilight Sparkle so much that it was more than all of the love in the world, which is a lot of love. One might also object to such a comparison, citing that Trixie must be part of the world, but if one were an omniscient narrator like I, one would also realize that such a fact simply made Trixie's love for Twilight out of this world.

Trixie immediately jumped twenty-three feet down from the cockpit of her gigantic robot pony to the ground and teleported to where Twilight Sparkle was. It seemed strange to all of the onlookers that she would jump down right before teleporting directly to her destination, but none dared to question the motives of one who loved Twilight Sparkle so truly, madly, and deeply.

Once she arrived at her teleportation destination she shouted "TWILIGHT" at her peak volume (which you would know if you'd done the exercise), which was so loud that all of the birds within a one mile radius flew from their roosts in the trees. The largest of the birds ousted from their resting place had a wingspan approximately as long as the following blank space (not to scale):

Admittedly, the bird was not very big.

Twilight Sparkle was also within one mile of Trixie and so she heard her, though she was not rudely awoken like some of the birds because she was neither asleep nor a bird. She instantly recognized the sound of the pony she loved, despite having resigned herself to thinking she'd never love her back, and turned around and started to run back at the same speed that she left at, but in the opposite direction. Trixie and Twilight's faces smooshed together at considerable speed, but their love was too great for them to care about the possible physical and mental ramifications of smashing your head into somepony else's at Mach 0.05. They transitioned flawlessly into a kissing motion and soon enough Twilight's fantasy #37.2.6, variation seven, was being acted out live.

After three minutes and fourteen seconds, Twilight broke off the kiss. "So you do love me!" she said, half relieved that her worst nightmare wasn't coming true, and half worried that this was still part of a dream.

"Yeah," said Trixie, satisfied with the single word response. Trixie wrapped her right foreleg around Twilight's neck and her left foreleg around the other part of Twilight's neck and nuzzled her, in what an ordinary person would call a hug. Then, the two lovers started to walk back to Ponyville at a leisurely pace of one metre per second south-west.

Their stroll out of the woods was rudely interrupted by a brilliant flash of light from the sky. Down descended the deity and diarch of day, demonstrably devastated and desperate. "Stop, Twilight! This isn't allowed of a pony of your station! It's unbecoming!" she shouted at her student. Twilight, to her credit, didn't care and simply started running away, Trixie following closely behind. Celestia, never one to be outsmarted by literally the dumbest and simplest plan in the book of "running away", used her horn in conjunction with her affinity for the sun to conjure up a blindingly bright light in front of Twilight. The light was so bright that Twilight, despite being four metres away, was instantly blinded by the barrage of photons. Trixie, close behind, was also blinded. Celestia, owing to her incredibly overpowered demi-goddess status, was not affected in the slightest by her spell, and shut it off once the desired effect was accomplished. Unfortunately, the light was so bright that Rainbow Dash, who had just spotted Twilight and was making her way to her position, was also blinded and crashed unceremoniously quite a ways away from the other ponies into a pile of razor sharp leaves. She was almost dismembered in a horrific manner but luckily survived with only minor injuries.

In the town of Ponyville, many members of the community that had the extreme misfortune to have been standing outside when the bright light spell was cast were blinded and all collapsed to the ground in agonizing sensory deprivation. Luckily, none of the characters named previously in the story were affected, with the exception of the flower pony who fainted after seeing Trixie's giant robot. She had just regained consciousness mere seconds before being blinded. "My eyes! MY EYES!" she screamed, but it was no use. No amount of screaming would return her eyesight to her; only time could perform such a feat.

Twilight no longer cared. She didn't care about anything that was trying to keep her away from her one true love. She especially didn't care for her (now former) mentor who appeared to be preventing her from furthering her relationship with Trixie, as described in unlikely but unfavourable scenario #14b, section iv of Twilight's Declaration of Love. In fact, she didn't care for Celestia so much that she decided to shoot her with a beam of pure magic. A little known fact about alicorns (even by Twilight Sparkle) is that they are only vulnerable to a select few things in the universe, and these few things are different between each specimen. Celestia's, unfortunately for her, was pure magic, and thus the beam which she was too shocked to dodge hit her in the chest.

What happened next was that she exploded into a cloud of green fire and was knocked back one seventh of a furlong. In her place was a certain queen of a certain group of black chitinous equine lifeforms that had the capability of changing their form into any other equine lifeform temporarily. Doubly unfortunately for Chrysalis, her disguise made her extremely vulnerable to what Celestia was vulnerable to, but didn't confer any of the advantages such as being able to control the sun or near-immortality. She was confused in more ways than one, as well - Twilight didn't show any outwardly visible signs of noticing her deceit, but still fired a spell at her, probably assuming that she was Celestia. What reason could she possibly have had for attempting to strike down her mentor so suddenly? Or what about her disguise gave her away? There were so many questions bouncing around her head, like it was an extremely spacious bouncy castle that was very popular to a select crowd of thoughts that specialized in being annoying and unknowable called questions. Such an amount of questions was not conducive to thinking rational thoughts, and so the first thing that came out of her mouth was "buh?" in a very weak and pained voice.

Before Chrysalis could collect her thoughts to any meaningful degree, Trixie saw that in what she thought was Celestia's place was an impostor, a changeling no less. She, following Twilight's lead, also shot a beam, using her innate magical sense to follow Twilight's beam's path. Though her beam was weaker (a mere forty kilothaums compared to Twilight's gigathaum), all of Trixie's beam's energy was concentrated into making Chrysalis go flying as far away from their current location as possible. Thus, Chrysalis was sent flying away, screaming a Wilhelm scream (though perhaps not entirely appropriate) and soon she was but a distant speck in the sky.

Then from the sky descended yet another beam of light. However, this time, the sky darkened around it, as if clouds had blackened out the entirety of the afternoon sky save a small circle through which sunlight peeked through. Once more, the white pony with wings and a horn descended from the heavens. This time, what appeared to be the real Celestia touched down onto the ground gave a spiel on how Twilight wasn't supposed to love Trixie. In retrospect, what happened the second time was just about exactly the same as the first time up until the beam of magic fired by Twilight. This time, her evocation of raw magic into the physical realm emitted purple and pink light (a shade or two different from the original due to a difference in power expenditure). Furthermore, Celestia was outright killed, owing to the nature of her weaknesses. Her body exploded violently (is there any other way something can explode after being shot by a laser beam?) into a veritable blizzard of white flakes which shortly coalesced into a ball of light floating in the space her body used to occupy. The ball shimmered, flickered, and scintillated on its way to Twilight, who was still blind and thus unable to perceive the differences in the physical appearance of the manifestation of what likely was Celestia's soul. Twilight heard a raspy, wispy voice saying "I'm so very proud of you, Twilight. It's time you became a princess." and was three parts startled to four parts creeped out. Then, the ball of light dissipated into her horn and then Twilight acquired a brand new set of Princess-tier™ wings (batteries not included). Along with this (and somehow more noticeable to Twilight), her eyesight was restored to its previous state, as if her eyes had been a computer that performed a system restore.

Naturally, the first thing Twilight did after regaining her sight and fighting off two of the most powerful beings in existence was to kiss Trixie. "There, now stupid Celestia is gone and we can be together finally," she said, relieved that the conflict in the story had finally been resolved.

"Yay," was all Trixie had to say.

Twilight suggested that they return to the library to tell everyone of the good news and conveniently leave out everything she thought they wouldn't want to hear, namely how she'd killed Celestia. Trixie voiced her agreement in a fashion involving using her vocal cords to produce pressure waves in the air perceived by Twilight to be words of affirmation. Having communicated adequately well to reach an agreement, the two equine lifeforms with blue and purple coloured coats began the relatively short walk back to the Ponyville Golden Oaks Books and Branches Library.

Twilight stepped on three leaves that had fallen off of a nearby tree, making a satisfying crunching sound. Trixie didn't notice the noise made by this action. They left behind the remains of the leaves without a second thought. Twilight suddenly thought of an important thing to do now that she had apparently become a princess in Celestia's place. What was she going to do with her sister? It would be a patently bad idea to leave her in a position of her after killing her sister in hot blood (to be honest, Twilight had been feeling quite angry with her when she'd killed her), so she did the most obvious thing: she made Trixie a princess in her place.

"Right, so I'm figuring Luna's going to be bloody pissed that I killed her sister, so to be safe I'm going to make you a princess instead," said Twilight. Before Trixie had a chance to respond, Twilight had conjured up a piece of parchment, written the words "You suck and we killed your sister, so we're dethroning you too. Trixie's replacing you. Love, Twilight" on said piece of parchment, and set it on green fire (indicating it was mail-fire, not burning-fire), sending it to her intended recipient.

"Ok," said Trixie.

Chapter 4: I only ran into it after making stupidly long chapter names for this story.

Chapter Four: The Possibly, Potentially, and Probably Unnecessary Additional Chapter to Wrap Up Loose Ends and Provide Both the Perspective of Minor Characters not Involved in the Main Action and a More Complete Sense of Closure to the Reader Who may not Have Enjoyed Where the Previous Chapter Left Off in Terms of Finality that in Other Works may have Been Called an Epilogue but Probably Not, Especially in this Work Because the Original Titled it Chapter Four and Not an Epilogue

"Oh darling, I'm so worried about those two darlings and what might have happened to them. Maybe Twilight tripped and got dirt on her side! Oh, the poor darling!" said a white unicorn with a fancy purple mane and a propensity for calling things 'darling' (who I don't even need to name) to nopony in particular.

Then Rainbow Dash flew back into the library through the still-open door despite her injuries. She looked absolutely horrible, despite feeling fine due to years of experience crashing unexpectedly (as opposed to crashing expectedly, which for her was an incredibly rare experience). Her body was covered all over with streaks of brown dirt and mud, and the mud also had clumps of leaves stuck to them. Less obviously, there were a few cuts and scrapes as well, and Rainbow had a tired look on her face.

"Oh my darling! You look absolutely dreadful! I simply must wash you and get you clean before anything else happens at all, darling," insisted Rarity, pulling her into the lavatory of the library.

Almost simultaneously, a yellow blur shot out of a corner of the library, saying something along the lines of "oh my gosh there's an injured pony that is also my friend within two hundred metres of me I'm practically contractually obligated to treat and baby them until they get better" in an extremely quiet voice almost completely lost to the noises the blur made as it made its egress to find supplies for treatment.

Rainbow Dash lowered her head (all the while being dragged by Rarity) and notified the others of her failure to find Twilight at all.

"Ooh, ooh, did you try looking at the big bright light? Historically it's been shown to work zero out of zero times, which means you'll never know if it's effective or not if you don't try!" said Pinkie Pie excitedly.

At the mention of the big bright white light, Rainbow Dash shut her mouth and said nothing more for fear of embarrassment, not wanting any of her friends to know about her incident involving her crashing into the ground due to the extremely bright white light despite the fact that her friends would probably be supportive of her regardless of the circumstances (extenuating, attenuating, or otherwise) involved. Rarity finally completed her task of pushing Rainbow into the lavatory and shut the door.

Spike, once the distraction in the form of the love of his life was removed, snapped back to reality (gravity, however, did not go). His draconic brain took a few seconds to remember his train of thought (before it had been utterly derailed by his intense love) and his face lit up as if a light bulb had lit up above it (but not actually). He raised a claw and almost struck his forehead with it in a gesture of exasperation. "I have to write a letter to the Princess about what's happened to Twilight!" he exclaimed, producing a writing utensil, comprised mostly of a feather, from who knows where on his body. He started to recite the words he was writing. "Dear Princess Celestia," he managed, before pausing to contemplate the placement of his words. It wasn't that the princess would chastise, rebuke, or even castigate him for improper word choice; rather, he was searching for words that would suitably convey the immense urgency compelling him to write the letter. Ironically, or perhaps unironically, his pausing to carefully consider his choice of words was greatly diminishing the urgency with which he wrote the letter. After a (luckily brief) pause, he continued.

"Help! Twilight ran away because Trixie doesn't love her back and we don't know where she is. Help! - Spike." He rolled up the letter and blew on it with his signature green dragonmail flame. In his haste, he blew a little too vigorously and heated the surrounding air to a temperature above the comfortably range within a considerable radius, causing the ponies in his vicinity to shy away from the unpleasantly warm and/or hot air. At this, one of the equines, if they had been more self-referential than they were now, might have made a pun on the phrase "hot air". Alas, they were not, and so the pun remains unmade.

The green dragon-mail flame of Spike, having been blown indoors (not by zombies) instead of out of a window as it usually was, slowly floated towards the main entrance to the library that was also a tree. The door to the main entrance of the library then glowed with a shade of lavender (specifically the one denoted by the hex code #B57EDC in the RGB standard, corresponding to a hue of 275.1 degrees, 57.3% saturation, and 67.8% brightness in the HSB space) and opened due to the force applied by telekinesis of a certain quadruped lavender equine lifeform with wings and a horn.

The dragon-mail flame reached its destination a mere seven metres from its source. It would have broken the record for "Most roundabout method of communication of something seemingly incredibly urgent but actually completely inconsequential" were it not for a series of letters addressed to Princess Celestia from Pinkie Pie about a dire cupcake shortage in a faraway land. Its recipient looked mildly surprised at the letter suspended in the air in front of her.

"Whoa, how come I have a letter?" she asked. Her eyebrows raised themselves by two hundred and sixty four micrometres, indicating confusion.

Before anyone could respond, the blue pony accompanying her from behind ran forward and snatched the letter out of the air. "I must read this correspondence that was clearly intended for you for no reason in particular!" she exclaimed, unfurling the letter. She read it for several seconds, since she was literate and thus capable of reading the written word. "Twilight ran away? What? I have to go find her!"

"Uh, no? I'm clearly still here. Who even wrote this, and why was it sent to me?" asked Twilight.

"Wait a second. I sent that letter to the Princess! How come it went to you?" asked Spike the purple and green dragon, just as confused. Somehow, he didn't notice two new appendages on her sides.

"Oh no wonder. I killed Celestia; Trixie and I are the new princesses of Equestria," explained Twilight with a note (specifically D#) of pride.

"Oh, darling, this is marvelous! Simply MARVELOUS! I'm friends with royalty now!" said the white unicorn who was more preoccupied with social status than the other occupants of the library.

"Congratulations, Twi! We're all so proud of you," said Applejack.

"Now I have to throw a Celestia-and-Luna-are-overthrown-and-Twilight-and-Trixie-are-the-new-princesses-party!" shouted the pink pony, preoccupied with party planning.

At a point later in time and higher in elevation, at a party named in a certain way by a certain pink pony...

"So, uh, yeah. My five friends are also princesses now because they're cool!" said Twilight, "That should be it for the spell. Any minute now..."

Rainbow Dash waited about four seconds before piping up. "Don't tell me you messed up the spell and we're stuck in an alternate universe now where everything sucks and we have to spend another seventy five chapters and eight hundred thousand words getting back."

As soon as the words left her mouth, the five ponies who were Princess Twilight's friends glowed with an intensely bright light (exceeding that of the great plasma ball in the sky by twenty-fold) and suddenly they were all alicorns too. They sparkled for a brief moment after their transformations and investigated their new appendages with varying degrees of confusion, curiosity, and excitement.

"Whoa, this is totally radical, man!" said Rainbow Dash, poking her new keratinous head-protrusion.

The other ponies muttered and mumbled various words of agreement.

They lived happily ever after. The end.