Once upon a time in the bright and colorful springboard of the authors iphone, there was a story, yes, a wonderful story, a story fit for the emperors of ancient china. This story was full of twists and action and high class vocabulary.
This story was art, a story the author was proud to call his own
personal favorite.
After vigorously reading the new chapter of the story, the author-of-not-said-story scrolled down to the bottom of the page and typed "Lol" even though the author-of-not-said-story did not in fact "Laugh out loud" or even chuckle for that matter.
A more accurate acronym would be "IFTMA" for "I found that mentally amusing".
After commenting a generic, non encouraging of helpful comment the author sighed sadly for he had nothing more to read. In a stroke of utter genius the author decided to use the search bar and type in "Lyra likes humans, HIE" for that was his favorite type of story. After finding no new stories he ,again, sadly sighed, wallowing in his tragic turmoil.
That is until the most idiotic idea ever, came to him.
"Why don't i write my own?" after he IFTMA it off. He pressed the back button, only to find that he could not withdraw his finger. His finger was stuck, as if by glue, or more correctly, was fused to the screen. Before the author could genius-ly concluded it must be a cydia tweak he installed, a voice broke the silence like thunder.
"We are all the authors of the stories you like, Jimmy; write a story"
said a voice sounding like a mix between Morgan freeman, Mr.T, and Batman.
"Wait what? My names not Jimmy. And i can't write a story, i'm not good at writing!" said the author.
"I'm calling you Jimmy because "The big rule book of self inserts" says I can't call you by your real name and I have to use a generic ridiculous name instead. Said the Voice.
"But self inserts are the worst stories!" Jimmy exclaimed.
"Well at least they have the guts to post a story they put their hard work into. So.Write.A.Story." Said the voice.
"No! I'm bad at writing, i already told you, and why should i write a story if there's plenty of authors i can piggyback off of." Jimmy replied.
"Why don't you post a story so others can tell you how to improve?"
The Voice asked.
"But that would mean my story isn't already perfect!" Jimmy exclaimed.
"Ok, i've had enough of this shit, as punishment and education i'm banishing you to Equestria as a self insert." The Voice commanded.
Obeying the voices command the plot device, or something jimmy didn't know what was called, began sucking him in. That is to say the finger fused
with his iphone screen began pulling him in. After getting to jimmy's elbow, the iphone realized the plot hole of a small screen pulling in a whole human being, and expanded to the size of a iphone 5 screen. After sucking him in to the shoulder it then again realized the plot hole of sucking in a whole human and expanded to the size of a ipad. Where it sucked his upper half in, and again
got stuck. The idevice in response, turned on siri and swore at him, and then expanded to the size of the fictional "iboard" and sucked him in whole. After which the device realized how long it took and Jimmy's lack of reaction, it sped up time so it only took a few moments.
"Oh and by the ways, i'm sharply and annoyingly changing it to first person" said the voice.
"WHAT? I screamed as i fell though my iphone screen.
After falling for a couple minutes i though i could see something green, like grass green. It appeared as if it was growing larger, really fast now, so fast it was about to fill my vision- *WHAM* and then i blacked out.
~/~
"Uhhhhhhg" i moaned groggily as i woke up.
‘Why does my body feel like shit?’ i wondered.
After prying my eyes open i noticed something.
"Thats no ceiling" i said as i saw the sky.
"Wow, the price of just having a roof above your head is just too damn high i guess" i muttered.
I then got up after rolling over onto my hands and knees.
"I'm out side, i totally knew that."
'heyyyyy is that PONYVILLE i see in the distance'
"Nope"
"daYYYYYUMMMMNNNNN" i screamed at the sudden voice in my head.
"Of course it is, this is a self insert remember?" it continued.
"I though i was just high"
"You don't own nor do drugs"
"I though i might be so high i didn't know i was high"
"Only you, only you"
"Well, me being me, me being awesome, i guess i will go into town and kick what ever evil happens to be there's ass"
"Rip grammer"
"Shut up"
"Nein"
"So yea, i'm just to fast to sexy to strong"
"You misspelled "too""
"How could i misspell something i said"
"I would tell you but something is saying i'm not allowed to, also i have a secret to tell you"
"What"
"This world is like communism-"
"Wait wat?"
"-if it works its because "Magic" and when it works you ain't gotta explain shit"
"Ooookay?"
"But seriously, this shit got more magic in it then duel monitors"
"I'll be heading to the town now...."
"Oh, and i can't let you do that, you're a computer nerd, you are not strong, nor invincible, nor will you be kicking an evils ass any time soon"
"Says who?"
"Sayyys me BIATCHHHH!!!"
And then the voices authority made its self present in the form of a timber wolf coming up behind Jimmy and KOed him back to the depths of his mind. The wolf then, happily wagged it's tail, grabbed Jimmy in its jaws and headed of to a hut to show the yellow pony what it found.
