You can't Flim Flam the Zim Zam

by MarineMarksman

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Alternate Universe, Human, Comedy
Length: 1515

If there is somethin' strange in your neighborhood, who ya gonna call? George Zimmerman! If it's somethin' black and it won't look good, who ya gonna call? George Zimmerman!

One day in Ponyville, a group of wild zebras invades the town and starts causing all sorts of trouble.

There's only one man who can save the day.

George Zimmerman.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-30 18:21:38 UTC

IT'S HAPPENING

A loud yawn escaped Twilight Sparkles lips as she awoke from her slumber. She smacked her lips as she rolled out of bed and made her way into her bathroom. She hopped into the shower and turned it on, smiling as a torrent of perfectly warm water drenched her tail to snout. After shampooing her mane and rinsing away the suds, she quickly dried off, brushed her teeth, and did her mane. She glanced at her reflection and stared at her usual mane style.

"Eh... I'm going to try something different." she commented. Grabbing a stray hairband from the bathroom counter, the librarian pulled her long flowing mane back with her telekinesis and wrapped the hairband around it. She looked back at the mirror and looked at her new ponytail from several angles.

Satisfied with her work, the mare raced downstairs and made her way to the kitchen. She put water on the kettle for some tea and opened up the fridge. Feeling too lethargic for cooking, she grabbed some leftover hayfries, put them on a dish, and tossed it inside of the microwave for thirty seconds.

While she waited for her hayfries to warm up, she spotted her number one assistant/slave running downstairs with a sack over her head.

"Good morning Spike." she said.

"NO TIME! GOTTA DASH!" he shouted as he ran out the door and slammed it behind him. She could hear screaming in fear as he ran away from the library.

The purple unicorn shook her head in disappoint as the microwave beeped it was ready. As she brought her hot plate of hayfries over to the dining room table, the tea kettle started to whine. As she made her way back into the kitchen, she made a mental note to invent an insult equating Rarity to a tea kettle for future use. After preparing her cup of tea, she made her way back to the dining room and gobbled down her hayfries and chased it down with a bit of tea.

"Mmmmm..."

After putting her dishes away, she opened the door with her telekinesis and made her way outside.

The sounds of air raid sirens were music to her ears as she watched several ponies running up the street, looks of fear on their face.

"Good morning Fluttershy!" she greeted as she spotted Fluttershy running past the library, followed by dozens of frightened woodland creatures.

"RUN BITCH RUN!" she responded.

"Alright, have a good day, Fluttershy!" she said, waving at the fleeing butter yellow pegasus.

"GOTTA GO FAST!" a flock of special foals exclaimed as they ran past her library.

Twilight walked out into the street and looked in the direction everypony was running away from.

"IT'S HAPPENING!" Ron Paul said as flew by in his Supercongressman costume, "I TRIED TO STOP THIS!"

Ignoring the congressman, the unicorn peered into the distance, spotting a large dust cloud approaching Ponyville, and fast.

She continued to casually sip at her tea as she watched the approaching dust cloud. As it grew closer, she spotted what was causing the dust cloud.

She saw dozens of zebras, as the smell of watermelon, purple drank, and fried chicken filled the air.

"OH SHIT!" Twilight exclaimed, dropping her tea in shock, turning tail, and running.

But one does not simply outrun a zebras. Twilight would have known this if she watched the Olympics more often.

"OOGA BOOGA WHERE DA UNICORNS AT?!" they all chanted.

"THERE'S ONE!" one exclaimed, pointing at the fleeing Twilight.

"OOGA BOOGA THERE BE A UNICORN!" they all chanted, chasing after the fleeing unicorn. Twilight noticed them chasing after her and she cried in terror, trying her best outrun the approaching zebras army. But it was useless, considering Twilight spent most of her time inside reading and these zebras had the endurance and speed of an Kenyan Olympic runner.  It wasn't even ten seconds later when Twilight found herself get knocked to the ground. She looked around for some way to escape, but found herself completely surrounded by zebras.

"SOMEPONY! HELP! PLEASE?!" she begged. Everypony in town watched from their home's windows, tears steaming down their faces.

"WE BOSS ZEBRAS NOW. THEY WON'T SAVE YOU!"

The zebra hoard slowly started to approach the lone purple unicorn. She curled up in a ball and started to cry, knowing what was coming.

*BANG*

Everypony stopped what they were doing and looked towards the source of the bang, and spotted a a cloaked figure, a smoking black Kel-Tec PF-9 9mm handgun pointed up in the air.

"WHO YOU BE?! KILL PONY, BANG BANG, WE TOLERANT ZEBRA SOCIETY NOW, SUCK MY DICK MUH FUGGA KILL PONY YO!" one zebra exclaimed.

The cloaked figure threw off his cloak and revealed his identity to everypony. The one, the only. The enemy of thugs. The savior of neighborhood everywhere. George Zimmerman.

"My zimmies have been rustled." George Zimmerman said, bringing up his handgun and opening fire. With each round, a zebra fell to the ground, limp and bleeding. As his gun clicked empty, the zebras charged at him, screaming war cries like the savages they are.

Zimmerman pulled out a machete and charged at the mass of white and black striped thugs, machete raised over his head. As he reached the lead zebra, he brought his machete down on his head, beheading him, before kicking his corpse into the zebra hoard, managing to knock down a few zebras.

One zebra through a punch at the Zim Zam, only to have his hoof cut off and shoved up his ass for his trouble. Zimmerman then picked up the screeching zebra and beat a couple zebras down with it.

"I'm gonna beat a motherfucker with another motherfucker." Zimmerman said, before tossing the zebra he had been using as a club into a nearby wall. As the remaining zebras charged, Zimmerman reloaded his handgun and gunned down the remaining zebras.

However, little did he know, one zebra got away. The zebra hid behind a wall and pulled out his Obama provided cell phone and called his homie.

"YO HOMIES WE NEED BLACK UP. ZIMMERMAN IS KILLING HOMIES LEFT AND RIGHT!" he shouted into the phone. Zimmerman rounded the corner and kicked the zebra down, before shooting him execution style.

Zim Zam picked up the phone and held it up to his face. "I did it in self-defense." he said, before closing the phone and crushing it to dust.

He walked back out into the main street and looked into the distance, spotting the zebras black up incoming. Hundreds of zebras, rushing towards the town in a black and white blob. The smell of watermelon, purple drank, and fried chicken grew much stronger.

"Do not worry, comrade." a new voice said.

Zimmerman turned around and spotted Christopher Dorner, sporting a jetpack and a multishot grenade launcher. "I got your back." Dorner said.

The Zim Zam nodded before shaking Dorner's hand. "I'll watch the neighborhood... you watch the sky." Zimmerman said.

Dorner nodded, before activating his jetpack and flying off. The former Naval officer hovered over the approaching hoard and brought up his grenade launcher. He quickly fired off all six rounds in random areas of the crowd. They detonated one by one, sending zebras flying.

He dropped the spent grenade launcher and pulled out an M249. He dove towards the mass and opened fire, spewing hot lead into the crowd. For each round, one zebra fell. Eventually, the LMG clicked empty, and Dorner tossed it down at the crowd, managing to hit one zebra in the head, killing it through severe head trauma.

Dorner landed beside the Zim Zam, whom stood defiantly at the center of the town with an AA-12. The former LAPD officer nodded to Zimmerman, shrugging off his backpack and bringing up an AR-15.

"Are you ready?" Zimmerman asked.

Dorner nodded. "You can't corner the Dorner."

Together, the two heroes charged at the approaching zebra army, their guns blazing. Zebra after zebra fell under their firepower. All the zebras could do is watch as one by one they fell under the wall of bullets coming their way.

"RELOADING!" Dorner exclaimed, letting his spent magazine drop to the ground before loading a new one into it, before continuing his fire. The Zim Zam's AA-12 clicked empty. He dropped the automatic shotgun and drew his handgun, bringing it up to bear and continuing to fire.

Soon, only one zebra was left. He was recording our two heroes with an Obama provided phone and shaking in fear and the two approached him.

"Wh- who is ya, cra- cracka?" the surviving zebra asked.

"I'm the fucking neighborhood watch." Zimmerman replied, before emptying his handguns entire clip into the zebras chest.

All the ponies in Ponyville cheered for our heroes. Everypony came out of hiding and began to party in celebration of the deaths of hundreds of thugs, thanks to our two heroes, George Zimmerman and Christopher Dorner.

ZImmerman approached Twilight Sparkle, who looked up at him with tear stained eyes.

"T-thank you..." she said.

Zimmerman nodded. "You can't flim flam the Zim Zam."