Friendship is Balls

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Slice of Life
Length: 6069

Applejack asks her best friends to come watch her sister's hoofball game. The girls know they are in for the most boring Saturday morning in Equestrian history.

Applejack asks her best friends to come watch her sister's hoofball game. The girls know they are in for the most boring Saturday morning in Equestrian history.

Published 2013-08-31 19:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-31 19:40:02 UTC

Slice of Salt

"Yeeeeeha!" Applejack tossed her hat into the golden sunlight and jumped up so that it plopped right back down on her blonde head. "That's the spirit, team! You show them namby-pamby Trottingham yokels who's boss! Woo!"

Her hollering was drowned out by a sea of cheers as the inning ended and one group of petite foals waddled across a copper brown diamond to trade places with another. It was a crisp Saturday morning along the fringes of Ponyville, and just west of town—nestled between the red apple orchards and the green city parks—there lay a field in which a quartet of bases was geometrically arranged with pale lines, brown dirt, and bone-white bases situated on gritty mounds of sand.

The visiting team wore blue, and were presently taking their position along the bases and the outfield. The team scampering into a line of kickers wore red tops with yellow hoofbands. Among the little foals lining up to the kicking plate was a familiar young sprite with a scarlet mane and a matching bow. Upon seeing Applejack's grinning muzzle, she smiled and waved at her older sister with an energetic little bounce.

"Eyes on the game, Apple Bloom!" Applejack called from the bleachers as she waved back. Happy parents and siblings surrounded her, chatting amicably as the game proceeded into noonday. "Yer gonna smoke them varmints! I just know it!"

As if on cue, Apple Bloom tripped on her front hooves, winced, and hobbled back up to stumble into line.

Applejack grimaced for only half a second before uttering, "Hey! Way to pull yerself back together, sugarcube! Now kick that ball like there's no tomorrow!"

As the foals lined up to the home plate, several disproportionately larger adults stood around them—two coaches, three chaperones, and three referees—and every one of them looming like gangly statues over the already awkward sports event. One of them grasped an inflatable red ball and rolled it ever so gently towards the opposing team's pitcher in blue. The little colt braced himself to catch the unbelievably light object, but still somehow fell back with a gasp when it made the slightest bit of contact with his hooves. Meanwhile, the foals standing in the outfield teetered tiredly on their short legs. Two were having an errant conversation while one drooled and the third basepony simply twirled in giggling circles.

"Shucks... They are so doomed." Applejack tilted the brim of her hat forward so that a menacing shadow crossed her glinting green eyes. "Lil' whippersnappers'll never know what happened to them. It'll be like the flamin' bastion walls of Tartarus itself fell down on their tiny heads."

She twitched once, twice, then returned to an innocent smile.

"Ahhhh... Certainly is a swell day for a good ol' game of hoofball." With a warm breath, Applejack leaned back on the bleachers and smiled aside at the ponies closest to her. "I wanna thank y'all for comin' out here on such short notice to help me cheer on Apple Bloom. With Big Mac bein' sick with the pony pox and all, this is the one day I can afford to leave him alone in Granny Smith's care. I don't know about you, but a mornin' spent watchin' sports in the sunlight is a might bit nicer than luggin' around vomit buckets all day. Heheheh..."

Silence.

Applejack blinked. Her brow furrowed as she leaned forward. "Uhm... girls?" More silence. "Girls?!"

Rainbow Dash was sprawled sideways on her back, snoring. Fluttershy's delicate body leaned against her as she drifted in and out of sleep. Rarity was dressed in a white summer frock, levitating an umbrella over herself while simultaneously sketching across a notepad. Twilight had her nose deep in a book while a limp dragon whelp slept curled up on her back.

Applejack felt the urge to frown. She channeled the energy instead into clearing her throat, then giving the seat beneath her a swift buck with both hooves. It was through a sheer miracle alone that the bleachers didn't snap completely in two. A reverberating wave of metallic thunder ran through the stands, rattling mare after mare out of their separate stupor.

"Gahhh!" Rainbow Dash shot up like a bottle rocket, hovering as she wiped the drool from her fuzzy blue chin. "Uhhh! You go, Sweetie Bloom! Way to roll that Scootaball! Uhm—" Just as her squinting visage began to ascertain the situation before her, she was encumbered by a squeaky pegasus clutching her side.

"Avalancccche!" Fluttershy shrieked.

"Uhhh... Fluttershy?" Barely awake, Rainbow Dash parted their hug and gazed at her with thin eyes. "We're nowhere near any mountain."

Still trembling, Fluttershy gulped and mewled, "Sink... hole...?"

"Seriously, Applejack," Rarity muttered as she glanced up from the notepad she was sketching on. She adjusted a sunhat over her glowing horn and said, "Must you recreate the Canterlot Symphony's Percussion Section with your hooves? It's certainly not conducive to a relaxing morning of foalish recreation, now is it?"

"Well, that's just the thang," Applejack said as she watched Rainbow Dash and a jittery Fluttershy touch back down to the bleacher seats beside her. "I invited y'all here to give my lil' sis some moral support. Relaxin' is all well and good, but the darlin's heart is gonna be torn up somethin' awful if she looks up here and sees half of my friends catching flies with their mouth."

"Oh dear!" Fluttershy gasped with a pair of hooves clamping her muzzle shut. "Mmmm!" She tried to keep her lips closed for as much as she could manage between words. "Iwouldneverthinkofeatingpoordefenselessflies!"

"She means that she doesn't want us to be yawning, Fluttershy," Rainbow Dash said, then promptly frowned. "Which is kind of a bit impossible with how unbelievably boring this whole mess is!"

"Rainbow!" Applejack glared at her, tilting her hat so that Apple Bloom couldn't see her frown from a distance. "T'ain't a neighborly thang to say!"

"But it is!" Rainbow Dash rubbed the sleepy grit out of her eyes and tossed both hooves forward. "Just look at it!"

At that precise moment, the pitcher in blue rolled the bouncy inflatable ball lightly towards the home plate. One of Apple Bloom's teammates licked his lips, ran forward, and bucked at the ball with all his might. He missed, slipped, and landed with a hard bump to the flank. His eyes went wide... then watered... then clenched shut as he sobbed towards the high heavens. A cooing mother trotted down from the bleachers, entered the field, and knelt down to nuzzle him, pausing the game entirely.

"Awwwww..." Fluttershy's eyes sparkled. "The poor thing!"

"He shouldn't have even been trying to kick a ball to begin with, if you ask me!" Rainbow Dash grumbled with forelimbs folded. "How old are most of these kids? Four? Five? They can barely tell the difference between glue and oats!" Her voice cracked, "Never mind trying to buck hoofballs the length of a horse trough!"

"I just dun get it," Applejack said, removing her hat to scratch her scalp. "I thought you lurved competition and sports, Rainbow!"

"I do!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, waving her forelimbs about. "When something actually happens! But look at this! This isn't a game! It's... it's a stagecoach crash in slow motion! I seriously don't get hoofball! Everything's dumbed down until it's slower than a river of molasses! How do you get competition out of that?"

"It's just as important to teach these young'n's camaraderie and teamwork, Rainbow Dash," Applejack said with a glaring expression. "Y'know, not everythang has to be a heart-wrenchin' fight to win the gold—" At the sound of a ball colliding hard with a foal's flank, Applejack spun about and spat angrily into the field. "Hey! Watch where yer tossin' that red ball ya little blue-wrapped celery huffer! Yer lucky the referee doesn't tan yer hide somethin' proper!"

"Unnnnnnnnghhh..." Rainbow Dash pulled at her face, mane, and eyelids. "Soooooo booooooring..."

"It is relaxing," Fluttershy said with a timid shudder. "I do like that, at least."

"Fluttershy, you'd enjoy staring at snails as they raced each other across the sidewalk."

Fluttershy smiled. "Oh, Mr. Fiddleshell and Ms. Dewstreak are long retired these days."

"Guhhhh..." Rainbow Dash flipped so that she was draped upside down like a paralyzed cat over the bleacher seat. Her mane dangled opposite to her flicking tail. "Just what's the friggin' score, anyway?"

"Twelve to Sixteen!" Applejack said between smiling teeth that reflected Apple Bloom's random glances from below. "Our team's winnin'!"

Rainbow Dash perked slightly. "Whoah, really? We must be pretty far into the game, then!"

"Actually, it's just the third inning."

Rainbow's ears instantly drooped. "You gotta be kidding me! Just how many innings are there?"

"Nine."

"Unnnnnnghhh!" Rainbow Dash covered her face with a pair of hooves. "I'm not going to survive this."

"Just take even breaths, Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy said.

"I don't need to breathe." Rainbow Dash glared upside down across the field of foals. "I need to get unbored." She glanced left and right. "Just where is Pinkie Pie with the snacks, anyway?"

"Excuse me! Pardon me, everypony!" Pinkie frolicked her way up the stands, rudely bumping past row after row of grunting, frowning parents trying to crane their necks to watch and cheer on their foals. "Munchies Mare, coming through! Hey! Love the cider hat! Heehee! Ahem..." She plopped down in the middle of the group with a tray full of popcorn bags. "Sorry I'm late, you guys! They had a full line in front of the concession stand! I stood there for almost half an hour before I finally got to the front! Whew! Boy, did the snacks smell skunky-wunky!"

Fluttershy gawked at her. "My goodness!" She glanced disdainfully at the popcorn bags. "Could it be that a mold had gotten into the food?"

"Nope!" Pinkie grinned at her friend. "Turns out it was the port-a-potty! So, after making water, I washed my hooves and went on over to the snack bar on the other side of the field! And, viola! Snackies! Just like you askies! Snkkt—hehehehe!"

"Well, awesome!" Rainbow Dash stretched an upside-down hoof out. "I can't wait to get some of that buttery stuff down my throat!"

Just then, Pinkie Pie's blue eyes crossed. "Unngh!" She stamped her hoof across a seated pony's shoulder in front of her, knocking his camera into the next row of parents. "I knew I had forgotten something!" Bouncing up, she carried the tray back down the stands in a fuchsia blur. "Bee arr bee, poni poni poni!"

Rainbow Dash sighed like a slashed Manehattan tire. She heard a delicate humming sound to her side, and glared towards the source of it. "Rarityyyy?" She asked in a suspicious tone, between the gnashing of teeth. "Why aren't you boredddd?"

"Unlike some ponies, Rainbow Dash, I know how to utilize time and creativity in tandem," the fashionista remarked, squinting past a pair of dark-lensed bifocals slid halfway down her white muzzle. She continued to slash a black pen across the flimsy leaves of a notepad that was levitating before her and her umbrella. "The contrasting colors of the adorably young polo players here has given me some much-needed inspiration."

"But Rarity," Fluttershy stammered. "This is hoofball, not polo."

"Horses for courses, darling."

"I asked you to come here to root for my lil' sis, Rarity," Applejack said in a mildly irritated tone. "Not to play games on yer... portable boutique thingy."

"Yeah, Rarityyyy..." Rainbow Dash suddenly hovered under the shade of the unicorn's umbrella, nudging her frowning face towards Rarity's flicking ear. "Wouldn't giving the game your complete and devoted attention be the generous thing to do?"

"Uhh!" Rarity gawked at Rainbow, flabbergasted. "But I am devoting my attention to this... nnngh... celebratory exchange of sweat and dirt." She brightened. "Albeit creatively!" She licked her delicate white lips as she stroked the pen across the notepad some more. "Through these designs, I'll be sure to immortalize this recreational moment in time forever! Just... uhm... in the fashion sphere of things. Eheheh..."

"Is this a gift to yourself or a gift to Applejack's little sister?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Oh, puh-lease..." Rarity wagged her bored eyebrows in Rainbow's frowning face. "As if complete and utter loyalty doesn't know when to compensate for this tedium with anything besides blunt statements of the obvious."

"Applejack's 'honesty!' She can so deal!"

"Uhm..." Fluttershy smiled lightly and raised a hoof. "I for one am happy j-just to be here with all of my nice friends—"

"Fluttershy, darling, don't interrupt when a lady is trying to silence an argument."

Fluttershy's ears drooped as she gazed towards the field. "Okay."

"Land sakes!" Applejack growled. "Can y'all just quit yer fussin' and try and enjoy the game?!" She glared over the shoulders and manes of her friends towards a lavender shade beyond. "Twilight?! Could you get yer royal nose out of a book for one measly second?!" She blinked, then suddenly winced with a blushing expression. "Erm... if you wouldn't mind, Yer Highness, I-I mean..."

"Oh, but I am enjoying this!" Princess Twilight exclaimed, glancing up over the floating manuscript as her wings fluttered excitedly. "Did you know that the game of hoofball was invented as a means of quelling the last war between griffons and ponykind?"

"Jee, what a big surprise," Rainbow Dash said, rolling her eyes. "They probably just needed a way to bore themselves so badly that they didn't want to draw blood anymore."

"Actually, it's quite the opposite!" Twilight pointed at the floating pages in front of her. "It says here that the first game ever played was between Commander Hurricane and Slade Bloodtalon, almost four thousand years ago! The game was arranged in hopes of settling a border dispute, but because it ended in a draw, both sides decided to make a non-aggression pact and just use the sport to settle future border disputes. Back then, the rules of the game were completely different, and there were higher stakes involved! Why, in the first three centuries alone, no less than three hundred hoofball players died from blunt force trauma, belly lacerations, and dysentery! It was Equestria's first and last bloodsport!"

In the field before them, a foal in blue rolled the ball to homeplate. The red thing barreled its way towards another of Apple Bloom's tiny teammates, only for the filly to dive to the side, covering her head and trembling as she turned her flank to the evil, bouncing sphere.

Rainbow Dash pratfalled to the bleacher beam with a metallic clang.

"I'm so glad you found this book for me to peruse during the game, Spike!" Twilight exclaimed with another exciting page-flip. "It's nice to know that—Princess or not—I'll never run out of things to learn! I do hope you left a marker so that we could put the book back once we return to the library later."

Green smoke puffed through the air with a relentless snoring sound.

Twilight blinked. "Spike?" She twisted her head, frowning at the curled-up ball of purple scales nestled on her backside. "Spike!"

"Snkkkt—I don't know!" He sat up, eyes red and bleary. "I-I don't know where Rarity's socks went!" He blinked over at Twilight, then at the field full of sweating foals. "Oh. Yeesh. Are we still here?"

"Don't be rude, Spike," Twilight said with a hard glare. "We're here to support Applejack and Apple Bloom, not to nap the day away."

"I can't help it..." Spike waved a hand before his yawning maw. "Nyup... Nnngh... Reading puts me to sleep."

Twilight's eyes scanned the flipping pages. "But I'm the one who's reading."

"Yes, well..." Spike shrugged. "Second hand words. I can't expect you to understand..."

"Did you know that the longest perfect pitching streak was made by the legendary stallion Derek Jockey nearly two decades ago! It hasn't been beaten since!"

"Wow..." Spike droned. "How fascinating. What broke his streak?"

"It says here that he died in a freak snuggling accident over a fateful weekend in Las Pegasus."

"Huh. That sure is... uh... fascinating..."

"Spike, could you at least try to have some sort of invested interest in this event?"

"To be honest, Twilight..." The dragon squirmed atop her back. "It's a little tough to enjoy the moment, what with things around here being so stiff and weird."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, I don't exactly think that every pony around here has gotten used to you being a princess yet."

"What are you talking about?!" Twilight chuckled. "My friends don't treat me any differently!"

"I wasn't talking about the girls." Spike turned and pointed. "I was talking about them."

Twilight gazed at a quartet of heavily armored pegasus guards whose muscular girth was devouring an entire half of the stands where the equines were seated. A few squirmy Ponyvilleans sat a respectable distance from the weaponized entourage.

"Oh, right..." Twilight blushed with folded ears. "Well, I-I still have to have a talk with Luna and Celestia about not needing them to follow me wherever I go."

"You'd better." Spike frowned as he glared at the stone-still stallions. "Cuz, if you ask me, I think they're all trying to take my job."

"Spiiiiike..." Twilight rolled her eyes and returned to flipping through the book. "They're bodyguards, not number one apprentices. I promise: you're not about to be replaced. Not in a million years."

"Hey, I can be your bodyguard too, y'know!"

"Oh really..."

"Yeah. And just because they got armor and wings and stuff doesn't make them any better at keeping you safe!" Spike turned and gazed tiredly at the group. "You hear that, schmucks?" He yawned heavily, then pointed a limp claw at them. "I'm watching you..." He lowered his snout and curled once more atop Twilight's back. "Mmmmm... like a h-hawk..." He was snoring less than five seconds later.

"Fear no more, my little ponies!" Pinkie Pie bounced back with the tray of popcorn bags. "I have returned with the munchies! That's right, fillies! It's snackocalypse now!" She plopped down, grinning wide. "I love the smell of popcorn in the morning. Smells like... victory." She hoofed a bag of kernels to a grateful Fluttershy and a thoroughly drooling Rainbow Dash. "Someday, this hoofball game is gonna end!"

Fluttershy took a single bite and instantly grimace. "Oh, wow. It's very... uhm... mushy."

"Mushy?" Pinkie blinked, then her whole face went pale as her eyes lit up like fiery coals. "Unnngh! I forgot the salt!" She angrily snatched the bags back and stomped off with the tray in tow. "I knew it! This is the way the flippin' meal ends! Not with a bang, but with a whimper!"

Rainbow Dash froze, blinking at her hoof, emptied of the bag of kernels. Her ears drooped sadly on either side of a melancholic expression.

Applejack's banshee shriek shook the pegasus out of it. "Foul ball?! That was way past the line! What are you, ref?! Blinder than a fruit bat stuck in a dairy farm?!"

"Really, darling," Rarity droned above the reverberating echoes of the bleachers. "Must you?"

"Well, I don't see you offerin' any enthusiasm to this here game!"

"I would hardly call that exemplary charisma, Applejack. Why, if I were in Apple Bloom's place, I'd be utterly embarrassed to hear my older sister roaring like an infuriated manticore at this event's most esteemed officials."

"Oh..." Applejack folded her forelimbs with a smirk. "And since when were you the gul-darn expert on big sisterin'?"

"Uhh! Why, I'll have you know that I've enlisted Sweetie Belle in many extra-curricular activities!" Rarity turned her nose up from her illustrations. "The Ponyville Thespian group, volunteer seamstressing, Cheerilee's elementary school chess club..."

"Hold on a second..." Rainbow Dash pivoted about on blue hooves. "You made Sweetie Belle join the chess club?"

"I didn't make Sweetie Belle do anything. What do you take me for, a sisterly despot? Why, she chose the function on her own volition!"

"Why do we find that hard to believe?" Applejack added, her green eyes glued to the game.

"I do not know, Applejack. Perhaps you should enlighten me."

"It's just that..." Rainbow Dash scratched her colorful head. "Well..."

"Well what?"

"Chess isn't exactly the most exciting thing in the world for kids, and Sweetie Belle—let's face it—she's... uh..."

Rarity glared daggers Rainbow's way. "Do go on..."

Rainbow gulped and smiled nervously. "She's got a nice mane!" she exclaimed with a shrug. "Alright? Cool! Now, back to the game."

"No..." Rarity lowered the notepad. "That wasn't what you were really going to say, now was it, Rainbow Dash?"

"Sure it was," Rainbow blurted. "I said it, didn't I? Now let's watch the game. Oh! Look! He's kicking the ball!" Rainbow pointed with a smile, an expression that swiftly waned. "Aaaaaand now he's running in the wrong direction..."

"No! No, Snails!" Applejack stood up on her hind quarters and cupped two hooves around her orange muzzle. "Go right! Go right around the diamond, ya hear?!" Her face blanched. "Wait! No! Don't run towards the playground outside the fence! T'ain't recess—Awwwww... dag nabbit!" She slapped her hat down onto the bleachers and sat with a slumping frown. "That's the third Saturday in a row..."

"Rainbow Dash, I do not know if I quite like what you are insinuating about my younger sister," Rarity said in a knifing tone. "She is more than aptly equipped for an activity as refined as competitive chess."

"Right! And I'm not saying she isn't! It's just that..."

"Just that what?"

"I dunno..." Rainbow shrugged. "If I was in her place, and the only thing I had to look forward to on a school afternoon was staring point-blank into a wooden board full of black and white squares, I'd be pretty darn bored with myself."

"Well, it's a good thing you're not Sweetie Belle." Rarity returned to her notepad with a haughty expression. "And Sweetie Belle is certainly not you. Hmmph!"

"Wait a second..." It was Rainbow Dash's turn to glare at Rarity. "Now I'm not so friggin' sure I like what you're saying about me."

"Uhm..." Fluttershy squeaked as she crouched low between the two heated mares. "Could you not argue so closely around me? I-I feel like an angry sandwich..."

"There's nothing to argue about." Rarity flung a bored look through the corner of her eyes. "It is simply a known fact that nothing can hold Rainbow Dash's interest for longer than five minutes unless it has something to do with Wonderbolts, thunderstorms, or explosions."

"Hey! I happen to like explosions!" Rainbow Dash growled, lifting up with an angry bristling of blue hairs between her flapping wings. "That's one thing you've got missing from both chess and lameball here! And another thing! I so too can pay attention to something for more than five minutes! It's not like I've got the brain of a hungry tubeworm or—"

"Backies with the Snackies!" Pinkie Pie sang as she plopped back down.

"Ooooh! Popcorn!" Rainbow Dash grabbed a bag and instantly guzzled it. "Mmmf! Awesome!"

"Gobble with extreme prejudice!" Pinkie commanded through a victorious smile.

"Nnnngh..." Rarity returned to her sketch with a sigh. "I rest my soft, velvety case."

"Mmmff..." Rainbow gulped a wad of salty, buttery popcorn down and squinted at her. "Rest it over what?"

"Thank you for the popcorn, Pinkie," Fluttershy said. "But you really didn't have to go through all of that effort."

"Are you kidding?!" Pinkie scoffed. "And let my bestest of best buddies go without their crunchy goodness and—" She went silent, frozen in place with a pale gasp. "Nuts!"

"What is it?" Fluttershy did a double-take. "The popcorn tastes fine!"

"No!" Pinkie stomped her hooves and stood back up. "I forgot nuts!" She went red in the face as she stormed through the densely packed bleachers. "Rgggh! I swear!" Her angry voice squealed. "I feel like a grocery pony sent to collect the bill!"

"Oh come on, Pinkie! Mmmmf..." Rainbow Dash muttered between bites. "You don't need to crowd surf over snacks!"

"Nuts don't surf!"

"Uggh..." Rainbow rolled her eyes and hoofed a bag over in Twilight's direction. "Hey, Twi! Got hungies for the munchies or what?! They won't snack on themselves!"

"Uh, sure... maybe in a moment, Rainbow," Twilight said, her wings fluttering on either side of Spike as she pointed at a glowing page in front of her. "According to this, when a hoofball flies higher than fifty feet in the air, that is the moment when pegasi are allowed to use their wings and fly up to catch the object in question."

"Oh really?" Fluttershy asked.

"Yes, in such a case, it's called a 'feather-high' play, because the pegasi can officially use their wing-feathers. However, this creates imbalance across the playing field. So, the rule works both ways, and applies to the line at the plate. But only to unicorns. They call this the 'magic feather standard,' but only if unicorns are playing. Because otherwise, if it's all earth ponies, then the 'feather-high' play only applies to equines with sarosian blood in their genes, since they are known to jump higher than most other earth pony hoofball players and thus the 'feather-high' rule can still apply, unless of course the game is being played in the daytime, during which anypony with sarosian genetics would be greatly handicapped."

"Oh... uhm..." Fluttershy fidgeted. "That's very... uh... interesting, Twilight, Y-your Highness..."

"Hey..." Rainbow Dash spoke between scarfing bites of popcorn. "Is there a rule in that book about public lobotomizing? Like, for when the ponies get bored to death and wanna release the pressure in their skulls?"

"Could y'all can it?!" Applejack grunted, suddenly leaning forward on the edge of her seat. "Apple Bloom's just stepped up to the plate!"

"Mmmmf!" Rainbow Dash sputtered through several buttery kernels. She somehow managed to pump her hoof and shout, "You kick their butts, Apple Bloom!"

"Aim for the fenceposts, sugarcube!"

"But the ball! Mostly kick the ball!" Rainbow's voice cracked. "Or maybe even kick the ball through their butts!"

"You can do it, lil' sis!"

"Woohoo..." Fluttershy felicitously added.

From a distance, Apple Bloom could be seen standing before the plate with squirming hooves. The little filly bit her lip, bouncing from side to side with a nervous flounce of her crimson mane.

"Oh dear..." Fluttershy bit on the edge of her hoof. "Is she okay?"

"Looks like she's gotta go," Rainbow Dash muttered.

"To first base, you mean?"

"Nah, like, to the little fillies' room."

"Eyes forward and knees apart, girl!" Applejack shouted. "You can do it!"

The pitcher rolled the ball. Apple Bloom tensed up, gritted her teeth, and dashed forward with a heavy kick.

"Strike!"

"Dag nabbit..." Applejack griped beneath her breath. "Ahem—That's okay, Apple Bloom! You got this!"

"How in the hay did she miss the flippin' ball?" Rainbow Dash squawked.

"Shhh! Not so loud, Rainbow."

"It's huge. It's red. It's bouncy. And it's full of air." Rainbow Dash shrugged before tossing a few more kernels into her mouth. "Mmmf... it'd be like a dragon missing a full-fisted punch of Twilight's balloon."

"Shhh! Hush!" Applejack hissed. "For goodness' sake!"

"What?! That's spot on!"

"Actually, Twilight's balloon is more of a mauve color, not red," Rarity corrected.

"Not like it matters anyways," Rainbow remarked "Aren't all dragons color blind?"

"Spike happens to love it whenever I wear my fabulous yellow scarf around him."

"I was talking about his eyes, not his spines, Rarity."

"Will y'all stop fussin' over pretty clothes and pointy objects and help cheer on my Apple Bloom?!"

"By all means. Ahem..." Rarity tossed a delicate smile towards the field. "Stiff upper lip, Apple Bloom. You certainly have it within yourself to kick a garish piece of rubber across a desolate field full of detestable dirt!"

"Oh no! They're pitching it so fast!" Fluttershy covered her eyes just as they reflected a bouncing red streak. "I-I can't watch!"

Apple Bloom ran a bee-line for the ball and kicked it furiously with a grunt. "Nnngh!"

The ball curved wildly; the filly began to run.

"Foul ball!" a referee shouted.

"Oh for pete's sake!" Applejack again tossed her hat. "That was inside the line!"

"I'm inclined to agree," Rarity said, folding her forelimbs. "I don't suppose it would be in the spirit of friendship to insist that one or two of these officials got shot?"

"Well, actually..." Twilight spoke absent-mindedly through the edge of her mouth while reading. "If one was to put a pointed bulb of lead into a long, cylindrically ribbed metal chamber affixed to a wooden stock and fueled by an ignition of compact blasting powder, such an act—however atrocious—would be feasible."

"Oh. How... uhm... quaint..."

"Is it over yet?" Fluttershy asked amidst her blind trembles.

"Come on... come on..." Rainbow Dash teetered upon the brink of a narcoleptic coma. "Somepony just do something already!"

The ball rolled. Apple Bloom lunged across the plate for it. She kicked her uniformed leg for the sky.

"Strike!"

"Augh!" Applejack hissed, but hid it behind a proud grin. "No big whoop, Apple Bloom! You got this in the bag! Just believe in yerself, darlin'!"

"Oh no..." Fluttershy choked back a sob. "She's going to miss the ball again, isn't she?! This is horrible! Absolutely horrible!"

"Like Tartarus, she will!" Rainbow Dash grunted. "Applejack didn't raise no scrub!"

"Darn tootin'! I didn't—wait... What?"

"Speaking of Tartarus..." Twilight suddenly perked up. She gave her rump a shake. "Pssst! Spike! Wake up..."

"Huh... nnngh..." The whelp lifted his weary head with thin eyes. "Wh-what is it?"

"Did you file away the Whinniepeg Tome Of Ancient Summonings like I had asked you to earlier?"

"Nnngh... I barely had time. We were up all night trying to do that stupid experiment, and then you told me about this hoofball game at the last second."

"Oh... uhm..." Twilight chuckled nervously. "Whoops..."

"Why else do you think I'm this pooped?"

"So, did you put away that Tome or didn't you? It has a lot of dangerous high-level magic spells in it."

"Pfft! Then why did you leave it lying around?! It's not like you did anything with it yourself!" Spike sat up and frowned. "Why, I barely had enough time to sweep up that purple dust you left lying all across the floor of the library overnight!"

"Foul ball!"

"Dag nabbit! Ahem. Give it all ya got, Apple Bloom!"

"Wait..." Twilight dropped the manuscript in front of her as she squinted at Spike. "You... swept up the purple dust?"

"Uhhh... yeah?" Spike planted his hands on his elbows and frowned at her. "What else was I supposed to do?! Y'know, for a Princess, you've got a lot to learn about being tidy!"

"Uhhh... Spike? That was a Level Seven Summoning Circle."

Spike's slitted eyes shrank in their sockets. "Meaning...?"

Twilight gulped. "Oh dear."

With hard, glaring eyes, the pitcher leaned back, thrusted forward, and rolled the hoofball at high speed. It bounced towards the plate, and Apple Bloom's anxious body. Holding her breath, the steely filly ran forward as fast as she could.

A clawed foot slammed into the ball instead. The red sphere sailed into the stratosphere as a giant, flaming gargoyle landed with a thud, forming a crater in the middle of the field and bellowing at the foals with a glowing furnace for a mouth. "Wresssssschkkkkkkk!"

Fillies and colts shrieked, running every which way. Their parents immediately dove out of the bleachers, swept them up, and scampered for the hills as the hulking monstrosity began tossing burning clumps of dirt every which way with its stone talons.

"Holy Guacamole!" Spike gasped, then yelped as he fell off Twilight's back.

"Everypony!" Princess Twilight Sparkle shouted from where she hovered majestically above the bleachers. "Stand back!" Her horn glowed brighter than the sun. "I'll fix this with a teleportation spell and—"

"Don't worry, your highness!" The armored guards beside her unleashed razor sharp poleaxes with metallic ringing sounds. "We shall protect you!"

"No, wait!" Twilight reached a hoof out. The four pegasi charged ahead, undaunted. Frowning, she shrieked, "Hey! Who's wearing the tiara here?!"

"For glory!" The four guards hurled themselves like missiles at the burning demon. "Yaaaaaaugh!"

The fuming gargoyle simply spun around and backhanded them all with a fiery fist.

The guards pinballed off in several directions. One crashed hard through the bleachers, wincing. "Ow, my glory!" The rest flailed skyward, summoning a gasp from Twilight.

"Oh no! Hang on!" With a burst of magic, the alicorn sailed after them. "I'll save you!"

In the meantime, Applejack ran over the figure of Fluttershy with her head hidden in the ground. She slid across home plate and stood before Apple Bloom. "Get behind me, sis! Playtime is over!"

The gargoyle swiveled about and roared mightily at the farm siblings.

Apple Bloom squeaked in fear while Applejack raised her angry forelimbs. "I ain't scared of no fartin' gravestone with legs! Now ya git ya mangy fire-face out of this here town before I buck you into gravel!"

"Such hellish amber hues..." Rarity cooed from the bleachers, her blue eyes reflecting the demon. "Such vomitous texture to his wings..." She suddenly beamed while scribbling furiously across her notepad. "Ideaaaaaaaaa!"

Beside her, Rainbow turned a bag of popcorn over, emptying its contents down her gullet. She kept a hungry eye locked on the monster at all times. Finally, when the last kernel flew down her throat, she bit down, swallowed, and smirked devilishly.

"Half-time show."

The pegasus kicked off the bleachers so hard she bent their metal frame down the center. In less than a millisecond, she met the creature's chest before it could pounce upon the ponies at home plate. The resulting explosion lit up the field with color and charcoal.

The gargoyle stumbled back, its wide glowing eyes gawking at the fresh chunk ripped out of its steaming chest. With a snarling sound, it breathed fire at the blue blur orbiting it.

Rainbow juked and jived, dodging each flaming blast. Skirting to the sidelines, she grabbed the handles to a rusted shopping cart full of reserve balls. With a grunt, she hoisted the thing up, tossed the balls towards the heavens, flew upside down, and repeatedly bicycle-kicked a barrage of inflatable red spheres down at the churning beast. "Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!"

The gargoyle whimpered as its body jolted from each reverberating death ball to its torso, shoulders, and skull. Cracks formed in its skin, filling the air with ash and sulfur. At last, it looked up, peering through eyes tearing with lava. It gasped upon the receiving end of a thunderous blue dropkick.

"Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Rainbow Dash bellowed as she came down upon the abomination with the force of a million rainbooms.

The field exploded, tossing copper dirt and metal fence bits skyward in a dissipating mushroom cloud.

"Hey hey hey!" Pinkie Pie frolicked back towards the chaotic scene with a jar full of mixed nuts balanced on her fluffy skull. "I hope I came just in time to save the day—" A decapitated gargoyle skull flew like a missile into her body. "Ooof!" She tumbled across the floor, then looked up wearily. A gasp escaped her lips.

A cracked, smoking, lifeless husk of a gargoyle head rested in the grass in front of her.

"Oh... oh no..." Pinkie sniffled. "The horror... the horror!" She scampered directly over the demon skull and clutched at the shattered and spilled bottle full of nuts. "This cost me three bits!" She wept salty tears. "Waaaaaaaaiie! That's at least two shifts at Sugarcube Corner to make up for ittttt!"

In the meantime, Applejack and Apple Bloom burst out of a tossed mound of dirt. "Ptooie!" she spat out grass and hugged Apple Bloom to her chest. "Whoah, nelly! Now how could you call that?"

"Can we j-just skip to the afternoon fruit punch and ice c-cream?" Apple Bloom whimpered.

"Nnnngh!" Rainbow Dash came bursting out of a pile of sulfuric ash and brimstone. She spat on the ground, her grinning face covered in soot. "Buck yeah! I love hoofball!

"Mistah peanuts..." Pinkie Pie wept into the fractured shells. "He dead."

Author's Note

I figure it doesn't count as "breaking" the SS&E Itinerary if it's something I wrote in under three hours.

Special thanks to Pilate for Rainbow Dash's early line about enjoying sports:

"I do!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, waving her forelimbs about. "When something actually happens!"

Squirrels
-SS&E