The Canterlot Minstrel Show

by Theobservantpilgrim

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Princess Celestia
Length: 3656

Join Twilight and Celestia as they go to see a once in a lifetime play at one of Canterlot's most prestigious theatres.

Twilight and Princess Celestia attend one of the most unique shows in the history of Equestria, a cautionary tale about the dangers of society.

Published 2013-09-01 15:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-01 15:40:02 UTC

Chapter 1: The Entrance

The nightlife of Canterlot is one far distant than the more common activities that were held in the town of Ponyville, as they tended to hold to an air of a more civilized nature. While the highlight of a social event in Ponyville was typically a party held on more than an occasion due to an eccentric baker in town, Canterlot social events were treated with greater respect and were appreciated for their uncommon occurrence. While there was the typical demonstration of the theatrical arts by the thespians in the Canterlot Theatre, tonight was of particular note as a roving band of performing artists were granted the venue for their performance. For on this wonderful evening comes a once in a lifetime show meant to be enjoyed by the highest echelon that Equestria has to offer. A show of which, the land has never seen the likes of before. Ladies and gentlecolts, those of respect and humility, welcome to the one and only Canterlot Minstrel Show!

Twilight Sparkle, or rather more appropriately named Princess Twilight Sparkle, replaced the pamphlet into the pouch in the back of the seat in front of her. If such words could do the play justice then she should expect a poor performance. However, given the rarity with which she usually attended plays who would she be to judge their performance? She kept her eyes ahead as the lights waiting patiently for the show to begin, silently contemplating about whether she may enjoy the show or not. Though deep in her thoughts words not being said, the tall alicorn who has ruled the land for more than a thousand years took notice of what appeared to be concern and rightfully inquired.

“Is something a matter, Twilight?”

“Huh?” She uttered, snapping out of her quizzical imagination. “Oh, not at all Princess. Thank you again for inviting me to this show. I’m just a little bit cautious about what to expect.”

Princess Celestia’s form towered compared to Twilight, and so their seating arrangements had been less than desirable as they made an effort to be seated in front of an elderly couple who were pretending to enjoy the show. “No needs to fret Twilight, though we are quite high up the acoustics in this building are great so the sound will carry on.”

“It’s not that, it’s that I’m not exactly well versed in the theatrical arts. So I’m not quite sure if the show will be good or not.”

“Well then I suppose we’ll simply have to wait and see.”

And with this Twilight nodded. Such a novel adventure, to watch a show with a mindset of objectivity, and to make determinations based solely on its merits. This shall be a play to remember. At least if they can possibly revise the pamphlets to be more informative to the uninitiated theatre-goers.

What seemed to be an hour passed and when the auditorium was completely full with the esteemed citizens of Canterlot and curious travelers of foreign yet refined lands, the lights began to dim leaving one spotlight illuminating the stage. Soon, on the stage, from behind the curtains, appeared a fine colt dressed in a beautifully crafted coat which gleamed in the light, who held up his hoof as he began to speak.

“Ladies and gentlecolts, all who have come here this evening, welcome to the first demonstration into the world around us through unencumbered eyes, we travelers have come far and near to set forth an astonishing tale of tragedy, merry, terror, and above all else, a revelation into the core of ponies. Tears will be shed, cries shall be heard, yet we ask that you keep in mind the thesis upon which our whole show is meant to elaborate upon. And with no more hesitation, let us begin the show.”

And so the colt withdrew back behind the velvet sheets from the ceiling, the lights illuminated the stage, and the show began.

Chapter 2: The Bumbling Country and it's Inhabitants!

Two aspiring young looking unicorns traveling about the countryside, their hooves clopping along the cobblestone path until their steps were softened by the transition to a clearly poorly maintained dirt trail.

The husband said to his wife “My dear, I do believe this is a fine day for a walk through the country. It would be nice to appreciate the simpler life of toiling in the fields all day alongside people of a similar intellect, oh ha!”

The wife replied rather optimistically “Oh honey, I am quite sure these, ahem, ‘folks’ as they prefer to be called are quite illustrated in the general fields of mathematics and language, perhaps not the same as you or I, yet I am quite positive they are educated.”

“I may appreciate your optimism but why don’t we demonstrate the folly of your assumption my dear. Verily there is one of those sad workers in the road, hopefully smoothing out the track for the presence of someone of the higher breeding.”

And so they approached a farm working earth pony whose hat kept the sun out of his face, although the hat looked as though it were picked apart by some ferocious insect or other manner of creature. The wife quickly approached and then tearfully fell backwards exclaiming “Oh my, what is that stench!”

The pony dropped his tool and quickly set his ruffian hooves on the startled lady and set her back upright, though his smell continued to knock her off her balance.

“Well ma’m I dun rekkin’ dat dang ol’ acta filly foolery ain’t gonna do ya’ much gid!” he shouted at her, beads of vile liquid coming from his mouth and splashing the face of the proper unicorn lady. This atrocious behavior did not stop as the very smell of what was left of the pony’s decayed teeth sent the lady reeling back to her husband.

The husband quickly got between his life partner, the pony who he loved so much, and defended her. Though, being a gentlecolt, he was obligated to attempt to resolve the situation peacefully. “Now see here you rapscallion!” he announced, holding his hoof out to shame the foolish pony.

This turned out to be a mistake, however, when the pony grabbed him by the hoof and nearly shook his whole body up and down, misinterpreting the gesture as a greeting. “Well fancy meeting sum city folks! What brings you to me n’ mines pert of da road!”

The poor gentlecolt managed to slip through the firm grasp of the lowly wretch and held his own hoof whilst howling in pain. This however did not deter the terrible creature and instead elicited a smile. “Well how about that, we be habbin’ ourselbs a good ol’ fassin’ hoedown! Too bad my one eyed, five hooved cousin ain’t hur, udderwize we wud have ourselbs a nice wedded couples’ dance! Oh well!” And with this crude statement the filthy creature set to dancing what is colloquially known as a ‘jig’ which stunned the married couple before it. The wife looked to the husband who continued to yell in pain, and motioned for the two of them to escape whilst the muddy cretin was distracted.

Chapter 3: Pegasi of Prey!

And so they traveled along the cobblestone path, now out of sight of the terrible mud pony and found themselves among a more populated though still less civilized area, with filth littering the streets and things best left unmentioned now staining the bottom of their hooves. Pegasi infants were left to fend for themselves in the streets as their mothers quarreled amongst themselves over insignificant items of values.

“Oh honey, where are we?” The wife was in a state of pure terror, holding herself close to her husband aside her.

“I’m afraid I do not quite know dear. This area is so unfamiliar, yet I suggest we best keep our wits about us!” The husband advised, his form shaking from the same fears that plagued his beautiful unicorn wife.

And it was then that their fears were confirmed as the shadow of one pegasus followed by her pegasus companions approached. They were covered in a layer of grime that cast a fowl stench and with scars and stains of dry blood tarnishing their coats. The first, who appeared to be the leader, exclaimed out with a flow of words best unsaid yet managed to utter out “…Filly foolin’, goat cheese suckin’, horned manure heads had best fork over all yous bits, and den we gonna stomp you!”

The two were frightened and clutching at one another until the wife spoke up and said “Oh my. Pardon me madam but don’t you mean or you’ll, ahem, ‘stomp’ us?”

Another flood of language best not suited for young children spewed forth from the mouth of the aggravated leader which essentially boiled down to “Well looky hur, looks like we gots ourselves an educated type. Well I gots a question fo’ yous. What’s my hoof plus yo’ face equal?”

“I do believe that such a connection between the two objects in such an equation would lead to a distinct sense of pain.”

And then the brawl commence where the two were besieged upon by the dastardly pegasi. The assault left them bruised and bloodied and would’ve left them not much else if the husband’s quick wit did not allow him to trick the terrors attacking them. As loud as he could muster, he pointed at the opposite end of the street and shouted “We’re over there!”
Luckily the pegasi’s natural lack of intelligence served as a benefit to them as the two ran off without looking, just trying in the quickest manner to flee from the presence of the roving gang of pegasi. Unfortunately their desperation led to their undoing as they fell into a river and floated along, their fates unknown.

Chapter 5: Striped Terror!

The two unfortunate unicorns of such higher standing were now reduced to an unsavory level of near death, coughing up water and straining muck from their clothes as they clambered back onto shore. They were alive, yet still left in peril as they discovered that they were deep in the void of some uncharted forest, the untamed wild lands to which has led the demise of even the bravest of ponies.

“Oh dear!” The husband exclaimed “We are utterly lost!”

Yet the wife charged onwards. “Not for long honey: for if we persevere we will be sure to come to a settlement of civilized unicorns.”

“No civilized unicorn would dare to trek into this bruise upon Equestria.” Said the husband as he collected his composure and following his wife into the thick brush of untamed land.

Their journey had been rather cut short as they approached the sounds of tribal music playing. In unison, they looked at one another unsure of what to expect, yet continued and came upon what appeared to be a primitive settlement of lean-tos circled around an absurdly large pot which stood taller than even the princess. Gathered around the pot were the inhabitants of this blight to Equestria, a group of zebras who stared at the uninvited guests. The zebras were better cleaned than those who they group had met previously and they courteously ceased their incessant noise, though this is where their ties to civilization ended as they continued to stare at the two adventurers.

One of the eldest, steadying herself upon a gnarled root, made her way between the zebras and the unicorns and began to speak.

“Come travelers, we welcome you. Pardon us, our flavored stew. It appears you two are hurt; take a seat upon the dirt. Our remedies shall stop your pain, and cause your wounds in time to wane. “

And with this the group parted slightly to allow a spot near the cauldron to which the couple gladly took their seat. Afterwards their cuts from their previous encounter were covered with ointments of herbs and potions were drizzled over their scrapes which made the abrasions simply disappear as though they had never existed.

As this continued to occur, the wife looked towards the elder and asked “We thank you for your hospitality madam, and it is so wonderful to see such well mannered ponies in a place as this. We do not have much in the way of bits; though please allow us to repay you.”

“No repayment do we need. Simply heal at your own speed. We will gladly accommodate to ensure that you both are feeling great.”

Despite this, the husband was still perplexed by this unfounded generosity and spoke “There must be a catch, so what is it?”

The rest of the zebras gathered around the two, surrounding them with grins of horrifying blackened and yellowed teeth, led by the initial smile of the eldest. “Meat is not a thing to waste, and suffering leaves it a horrid taste. Tiredness to your heads the elixirs gave, and sleep shall strike you like a wave. While you’re still awake, make one last wish. For now we shall feast upon your flesh.”

The two ponies then fell limp to the Equestrian floor, though the wife managed to utter before her consciousness was fully robbed of her “The Princess shall come” and then was asleep without further incident. Afterwards the group hoisted and heaved the two ponies into the cauldron and began to cook.

Just then Princess Celestia appeared and destroyed the veil of darkness with rays from the glorified star. The light cast upon the soil bringing innocent life as the zebras bowed in submission to their leader from beyond their home. The two pure unicorns were hoisted out of the pot by the use of Celestia’s magic and set upon the ground as she herself stood by them and looked about her subjects dismissively.

“You all disappoint me.” She began, her voice booming throughout the ink-like blackness of the forest, frightening off what few miniscule beasts which were not victimized by the insatiable hunger of the forest’s equine inhabitants. “I have given you the wondrous life of harmony with the world, a closer connection than other ponies could believe. Yet you have taken this gift and used it as a weapon, making these woods your territory and murdering all life that enters. However, I shall not punish any of you, for you warrant your own punishment by simply existing, and so I shall take my leave with those of my subjects who have remained loyal to me.” And so she rose upwards hefting along the two drowsy bodies of the innocents, leaving the brutish cannibals behind.

The two awoke several hours later in a hospital in Canterlot, home at last among their intellectual and well mannered peers. With a yawn and a stretch, they both clambered out of bed and gained their balance, approaching each other ashamedly.

“Well.” So began the wife. “I do believe that I have learned that at times we are given the instincts to judge ponies based on their appearance for a very good reason for the sake of our safety, and I shall use this knowledge in the future.”
The husband smiled and concurred “And I have learned that I should not underestimate even the most unworthy of villains, as they may be more sinister than one may imagine.” To this, they both nodded in agreement and took their leave of the hospital.

Chapter 6: Epilogue

The curtains closed and fanfare followed, signifying that the play had ended. And while the audience in near unison sighed in relief the curtains drew back and the entire cast composed solely of unicorns was lined up on stage, bowing as though they were proud of their performance. As they continued to bow, a solitary unicorn who was recognizably out of place among the performers as he was clad in a suit, tie, and a floppy hat that is commonly called a beret, stood tall on the middle of the stage and took a bow and then began to speak to the audience.

“I thank you all for appearing here tonight. I am the author of The Canterlot Minstrel Show, and I apologize if any of you in the audience were shocked or disheartened by this play, and I must implore that no offense is intended. The play is fictional and all the characters portrayed, aside from Princess Celestia, were also untrue in nature and used only to aid in conveying the message.”

One of the Canterlot residents who had appeared at the play spoke up at this. “Wasn’t the message that unicorns are superior?”

The author loosened his tie and began to perspire out of nervousness. “Well, actually that’s the exact opposite of what I was attempting to declare with this play. What the play actually is meant to say is that all ponies are equal, and that we all have our flaws. It’s meant to be a statement against racism, not for.”

The audience appeared quizzical compelling one of its members to voice concern. “Pardon me sir, but what is racism?”

With renewed pride, the orator author answered. “Ah, racism is the belief that some ponies are better or worse based on silly things like color, appendages, and ability with magic.”

“Sir, you are clearly intelligent so shouldn’t the fact that we don’t even have a word for this phenomenon mean that this ‘racism’ is not quite widespread?”

“Well . . . Um. . . I believe” But before the author could finish his sentence he was swiftly cut off by a balled up piece of used paper, followed by several others causing the actors and author to flee from this assault.

Twilight Sparkle finally stood from her seat and exclaimed in joviality “Yes!” holding the corrected pamphlet high. The punctuation was perfected, the structure was sublime, and the language was so compelling so as to make even the most ignorant of pedestrians feel the need to see the play. But her joy was cut short as one of the irate audience members stole the pamphlet, balled it up, and joined in the barrage with his peers. Naturally this combined turn of events shocked the purple princess, all the more so when her taller peer stood and gestured for them both to leave in quite a hurry.

Now outside, the two caught their breath as the rest of those who have seen the play filed out of the theatre in droves. The royal duo walked down the street, the air calming down the further they managed to get away from the vicinity of the disaster.

“Did I miss something? I thought the play was going rather well.” Twilight said, looking up at Celestia.

“Well aside from the ending where evidently I appeared on stage to save the protagonists, I don’t think you missed much.”

“Ah, a deus ex machina? I suppose I can understand where they come from; I myself detest that in just about any story.”

Princess Celestia smiled gingerly as the two continued on their way back to the castle, perhaps never again to pay mind to the shortly lived but immortally infamous Canterlot Minstrel Show.

Chapter 4: The Intermission

The curtains returned to hide the stage and light returned to the audience. Princess Celestia, as one would expect any pony to do in a show such as this, shifted uncomfortably in her seat and glanced at Twilight who was nose deep in the pamphlet again, jotting down notes in it with what appeared to be a splinter dipped in popcorn butter.

“Well Twilight that show was certainly” She paused for a moment before coming to a considerate adjective to use, “interesting. Wouldn’t you agree?”

The studious and busy alicorn quickly dropped the makeshift quill and looked up. “Oh yes, I especially liked the romance. And that speech that one character said was quite amazing!”

Princess Celestia chuckled, thinking back onto the scene in which the actor playing the farmer gave a performance which elicited joyous exclamations from the audience that could have shook the roof of the building before whining down into the whispers of awkward shuffling. “Yes Twilight, I agree. It was quite amazing.”

“What about you Princess, what do you think?”

The alicorn pondered for a moment and then replied “I’m sure it’ll all come together in the third act.”

Nervously, hoping to elude suspicions that she had not spent the last two acts editing the brochure, Twilight continued. “And I loved those costumes, such craft and skill!”

This created another giggle in the tall princess as she thought back to the farmer who was dressed in what appeared to be rags covered with dirt and a hat to hide the actor’s horn, although quite poorly. It also brought back the thought of the pegasus who had wings of craft paper and cardboard which stuck outwards and whacked the other actresses casually, all of such topped humorously with a head cloth that seemed foreign to a city environment, again to hide the unicorn actress’ horn.

Though this laughter did not comfort Twilight who kept applauding the play “And those set pieces? Just wow! I can see a lot of time and effort went into making those backgrounds!”

Princess Celestia smiled and shook her head, her chuckling subsiding as she remembered fondly of the massive backdrops which were drowned in paint that’s efforts at best could have been said to have been performed by a school filly or a particularly disabled adult. With mere stripes of green used to represent foliage which may have been stalks of beans or overgrown grass, and what appeared to be stick ponies for the pedestrians in the cityscape.

The chatter and train of thought were both cut short as the lights cut out and returned back to the stage, signaling the commencement of the show. The curtains drew back, and the actors re-appeared.