Mad-Lib #1: The Invitation
The rain. The God forsaken rain. My worst enemy when I’m sporting new attire that I bought for the convention. Hopefully the castle has a laundry service or something that will help me with this. Oh right, the story…
Anyways, just yesterday in the village I live in, Haliflanks, I was preparing to host a convention in Canterlot where I would show off my latest invention, lightning gears. Essentially what they are is a set of electrically amplified gears with a hydrophobic chemical lining that should prevent them from short-circuiting. I plan on demonstrating how they can be used in day-to-day inventions such as chariots and rainbow factories. I will also be sporting a new set of boots I put together that use them. I'll be surprising them with mechanically generated sparks that they will create from under me. It should make quite the impression on my investors.
But I digress. Considering the vast success of my company, Finest Industries, I’ve become quite the celebrity all around the world. I even caught the attention of the princesses of Canterlot not too long ago. Celestia invited me over for a 5-day stay in the castle for the convention. It was awfully nice of her, and it’s not everyday you get to meet royalty, so I gladly obliged. I even packed my nice tux and nice pants for the occasion. Equestrian culture still baffles me. Even in high-class society, they don’t wear pants. I’m sure it will be just as new to them as my invention!
And now that brings me here, on a chariot ride to the castle, in the dark of night, in the rain. Next time I’m inventing a chariot with a stainless glass cover. International travel has never been the fun part of my occupation, but hey, it’s what I signed up for. Now I have more time to think about how I should approach the princes… oh never mind we’re here.
So I get out of the chariot and make a quick dash for the door to get out of the God forsaken rain, only to be stopped by the guards.
“Hey, what gives? I’m expected to be here on account of your ruler!”
“Nopony enters Canterlot Castle without direct permission from her Majesties, Princess Celestia or Princess Luna.” – one of the guardsponies stated.
“It’s fine Golden Glow, I’ve been expecting him. He’ll be staying here for the next few days and I expect the finest treatment towards him from you two.” –reassures a familiar feminine voice out of my range of sight.
And just like that, Princess Celestia teleports in front of me and guides me into the castle. Once we get inside, I immediately bow to her, giving her the proper condolences for being hospital and so generous to me.
“At ease, Sir Finest.”- she said.
“Oh no need for formalities when around me Your Highness. Just call me Frog or Finest, whichever you prefer.” I reassured her. I never liked formalities. My clients always referred to me like that, and it felt so unnatural.
“If that’s the case you may refer to me as Celestia if you wish. I feel as though the treatment should be mutual if we are to share the same roof for the next few days. You know, I’ve always admired you and your works, though it has always been from afar. It’s such a pleasure to meet you in person” she admitted with a slight pink blush in her cheeks.
“Oh really? You’re kidding! I’m just a small inventor from a small village. Why would the princess of an entire nation, with magical abilities beyond that of anypony in the world, pay attention to me?” I questioned out of flattered curiosity.
“Oh not just me. My sister has been anxious to meet you too. I would say she’s your biggest fan.” she revealed. “Oh and by the way, may I have a maid take your coat? And maybe everything else? They’re rather damp if my observations are correct. I will have them cleaned by tomorrow morning for the convention!” she reassured me.
“Yeah I guess I don’t mind. It’s just that I’m normally never naked where I’m from. Though I know the culture is different here, so I guess I might as well become accustomed to it.” I said with a slightly nervous look on my face.
Then she leaned in and whispered to me, “As dashing as you look in those clothes, I think they would look much better off.”
“Wait what?”
Then before I could even process what I was just told, the maids she was referring to earlier removed my top hat and began to undress me. As soon as I recollected myself, everything from my tux to my lightning boots was taken away to be washed.
“Princess…”
“Please, call me ‘Tia”
“Umm ‘Tia, may I be escorted to the room I’ll be staying in?”
“Yes, just follow me and we will be there in no time.” And with that she threw a suggestive wink at me.
Nervous as hell, but seeing no way around this, I obliged.
We continued down, corridor to corridor, in an uncomfortably long trip to my room. Well, uncomfortable for me, because she walked directly next to me, making sure to flirtingly rub against me every so often.
“I know this is probably a question I should have asked earlier, but what floor will I be staying on?” I asked.
“Oh, you will be on the top floor with Luna and I. That’s where the VIP stays. After all, ponies like you deserve only the finest, Mr. Finest.”
“I thought we were done with formalities?”
“Oh but your name sounds so much cuter with formalities!”
“Well regardless you still agreed to not using formalities Celesti…”
“ ‘Tia.”
“Right.”
“Anyways, we’re here!” she proclaimed with a skip.
And with that I opened the door to see magnificent decorations that were styled very reminiscently of the day. The carpet was incredibly soft; the walls were painted with crimson, gold, and white designs; and the bed was massive… This was too good to be true, even for a VIP room. But then that last note clicked in my head. A massive bed? But they knew I was arriving alone when they prepared this room. Suddenly the realization came to me. This was too good to be true.
“Princess, this is your room.”
“What an astute observation Finest, welcome to our bedroom!”
“Nice try, but I know that there’s a guest room somewhere. If you do not mind, I’d much rather stay there.”
“Aww, you’re boring.”
She then guided me to the next room down and announced with less enthusiasm, “Okay, here we are! Enjoy your stay at Canterlot Castle!”
“Lucky Luna…” she muttered to herself too softly for me to hear.
“I’m sorry, what was that?”
“Nothing! Once again, enjoy your stay!”
And with that she left to her room and I began settling into my new temporary bedroom. It was much darker than Celestia’s. Everything was in shades of blue, purple, and black, with some white contrast every now in then. Not necessarily as luminescent as I imagined, but beautiful nonetheless. Though I couldn’t have cared less what else was in the room. I was too exhausted to care so I just set the alarm and went straight to bed.
Day 2
RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! The alarm went off.
I got up and turned off the alarm, only to see something that really intrigued me. A lot of the trinkets and inventions I had built and sold over the past several years were laid out all across the room. I was in too much of a haze last night to notice any of this, but regardless it was still nice to see that Celestia wasn’t lying when she said her and her sister were fans of my work. I felt like I was at home already, minus the organized mess. And also the clothes that the maids stripped off of me were on the side of my bed, perfectly washed and still functional. I decided to put on my tux, comb my hair and such for the convention. I planned on getting everything else on, but suddenly, a loud set of knocks came from my door.
“God I hope this isn’t who I think it is.”
I pulled my composure together and opened the door to see an indigo and violet mare. She looked an awfully lot like… Oh shit it’s the other princess.
I immediately bowed to her as I did her sister.
She gave me a confused look and then asked, “Who art thou and why art thou in my bedroom?”
“Wait, this is your room? Your sister told me this was the guest room. She must have been just as tired as me. Although she sure as hell wasn’t acting like that. Anyways, my apologies.” I continued while putting on my hat and monocle, “My name is FrogFinest. I’m the owner of Finest Industries, a company just outside of Equestria.”
A shocked look came upon her face, and then she became a nervous wreck.
“A thousand pardons Sir Finest. I did not recognize thee without the rest of thine attire. I am just quite a fan of thy works and…”
It’s always the hat and monocle that they recognize. Well, it makes going incognito easy, so I shouldn’t complain.
“It’s fine. In fact, I would say I should be the one apologizing for staying in your room for the night. I’m just on my way to host a convention and I need to get going very soon. I’m sorry to cut our conversation short, but I have a lot of ponies waiting for me. I will gladly continue our conversation over dinner if you wish.”
“Art thou going to the MechCon? I actually planned on attending to see what thou hast in store next. It’s just that I am not sure if I shalt go and risk scaring away the attendees. There are still many ponies who fear me after the previous events, what with my attempts at revenge.”
“That’s a shame. However, I may be able to help you out. Would you like a backstage pass? You won’t interfere with anypony then and you will get an up close look at my presentation.”
As soon as I finished that sentence, I was immediately tackled to the ground and squeezed to near death by the dark alicorn.
“Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! Thou hath made me very cheerful!
“Okay enough! ENOUGH!” I screeched in pain.
“Oh, a thousand pardons Sir Finest…”
“It’s fine princess. And please, just call me Frog or Finest. I am not a fan of formalities, though the thought is appreciated.”
And just like that we were off to MechCon. I never really met a fan as touchy as her. Well, aside from yesterday, but I want to leave that memory in the past. Luna was really grateful, even though it was no skin off my nose giving her the backstage pass. I had planned on giving it to somepony at random.
The trip to the convention was rather uneventful, aside from the immense amount of stares that went our way and the few screeches of terror. Seriously, what the hell is up with Canterlot? Aren’t there hot shots all over? Is this even considered new to them?
At the convention, I was preparing to begin my presentation of the lightning gears, double-checking the hydraulics and taking other miscellaneous safety precautions, greeting my investors and such, when I ran into Luna… waiting outside of my dressing room. With an overly excited look on her face. I hope she isn’t gonna be one of THOSE fans. I have to share a roof with her after all and that could make these next few days not as smooth as I would have hoped. Oh well, she’s just another pony, so I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
I made my way to the stage and she began to follow, still being very touchy and asking far too many questions, many too personal for me to answer willingly. After the presentation, I got roaring applause from the audience and a very enthusiastic cheer from my little fangirl on the side. I would say it was a perfect presentation. Well, minus the pony whose hair was set ablaze from one of the sparks from the gears. She turned out fine though, just with a slightly darker mane than usual. It looked nice on her if you ask me.
Day 1 of the convention came to a close after several of my technological rivals and colleagues presented their inventions, and then we hit the afterparty. Luna went home to begin her business and raise the moon, while I hit it off with my investors and colleagues.
After a fun night of drunken singing, dancing, and storytelling, I went back to the castle and planned on moving my stuff to the VIP room and going straight to sleep. I didn’t see Celestia at all, which was sort of a pleasant surprise after yesterday’s events. All I remembered was getting to the bedroom door and then feeling very dizzy and everything going black.
Day 3
Man, each day was just getting better and better for me. First I was sexually harassed by one of the princesses of an entire nation, and later I find out that the other is supposedly one of my fan girls. And this journey isn’t even close to being done. I still have 2 more days here. Oh well, let’s nip this problem in the flank and get out of bed. That’s when a distressing thought struck me. Wait… A bed? Didn’t I pass out in front of the door to Luna’s room? Where the hell am I?
So I opened my eyes to see that I was in the same room as yesterday: Luna’s room. Thank God it wasn’t Celestia’s. Oh that wouldn’t end well. Anyways, I made a move to get out of bed, only to find that I cannot move.
“What the bu-“
I then turned around to see a sleeping indigo princess holding onto me like a freaking teddy bear.
Dammit, why does she have to be bigger than me? I can’t freaking move! Wait, pants check… Okay, I’m good. Thank God.
Dammit, this is humiliating. Well, she’s not awake. But I kind of have to wake her up if I want to get out of this hell of a vice grip.
“Psst!!! Luna!!! Wake up big spoon! Equestria to Luna, Day 2 of the convention starts in 2 hours.” I whispered loudly enough for her to hear, but not loudly enough to be heard outside.
Instead of getting the response I wanted, she rolled me over and began hugging me from the front. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!!!!!
“I’m sorry Luna, you’re a sweet girl, but I have to do this.” And with that I performed a telekinesis spell to bring over a glass of cold water and poured it on us both. My coat was a necessary sacrifice. But unfortunately, the water did nothing but make her squeeze me harder because she was cold now. I’ve seen dead ponies that are lighter sleepers than her.
Well, since we are drenched in water I guess there is only one thing I can do. I then magically activated my lightning gear boots, and the sparks from those shocked us both, causing her to temporarily let go of me. Taking the opportunity, I slide out of the bed as quickly as possible. When the smoke cleared, literally, Luna was still asleep. Why am I still surprised at this point? Now she is back to her original position, just with one less live action teddy bear. Seriously, what the hell is with that?
And with that slightly traumatic scene out of the way, I showered, got dressed, and prepared for the rest of my day. I just have to host 2 auctions today, so I will be back at the castle to eat whatever they have to serve. So far I haven’t gotten a taste of a royal meal and I have been dying to try some of the castle chefs' creations ever since I received the invitation.
The trip to the convention was pretty uneventful, just like yesterday. There was, however, something very interesting to me. There was a street performer that was performing tricks with his pet Tiger, which he called Yale. Strange name for a tiger, but the tricks were really outstanding. I never thought I would see a tiger breakdance, but now I can say I have. It was very amusing.
But I digress, the convention was very amusing, I got to meet plenty of fans, blah blah blah, you get the picture. It was a fun time but it’s not the part of the story you want to hear.
So it was mid-afternoon by the time I finished cleaning up my gadgets and setting up for tomorrow, the final day of the convention. I went to the castle for a royal meal, and on the chariot ride there I mentally prepared myself for whatever was to come my way while I’m still here.
I showed up at the castle and immediately made my way to the Dining Room. Everything in there smelled divine. The long table was stocked full of exotic fruits and vegetables, there were five different salad bowls filled to the brim with different types of salads, and there was even a cupcake bar for deserts. A CUPCAKE BAR! This had easily been the best part of the trip so far. As soon as I sat down and began preparing for my royal feast, one of the maids interrupted me.
“Um, Mr. Finest, the guest dining room is one floor down. This is specifically for the princesses and whomever else they allow.”
“It’s fine Swirlstick, he’s our guest of honor after all.” said an all too familiar voice. “He should be allowed at least one meal with royalty.”
My suspicions were confirmed; it was the lady of the Sun herself.
“Thank you Celestia. My heart was practically shattered into a million pieces when I heard I couldn’t enjoy all of this.”
“Oh it’s fine Frog. I planned on spending some time with you anyways.”
Oh God.
“We didn’t see each other yesterday because I had Day Court duty all day. Though I did hear that you got... very well acquainted with my sister last night.” she teased.
“HOLD THINE TONGUE SISTER!” shouted Luna from the other end of the room with a clearly embarrassed look on her face.
“Glad you decided to join us Luna.” Celestia said with a cocky grin.
“By the way, now that you mention it, what happened last night?" I asked Luna. "I passed out in front of the bedroom door and I woke up to… well, THAT. I’m just wondering what happened in between.”
“Well, you see…” Luna stuttered.
“I had a set of maids take you in and lay you on the bed. Luna was asleep at the moment, and the rest, as from what I was told, she was cuddling you. It would have made a cute scene to watch. All I know was what the maids told me though, they could be wrong. Who knows, Luna HAS been awfully lonely lately...” Celestia explained with a very amused look on her face.
“SISTER I DEMAND THOU TO HOLD THY TONGUE!!!”
“Right… Well anyways, I’ll just get to eating. It’s been a long day of auctioning and I’m famished.”
After I treated myself to an amazing three-course meal, the mare of the Sun decided to speak up.
“Since I’m free for the of the day until I raise down the Sun, is anypony here interested doing something to waste time? I have a list of things we can do!”
“How many events does that list include that involve me keeping my pants on?” I spoke up.
“Well one of them I guess… If you two want, we have can play Monopony. I haven’t played it yet, and I think it’s a perfect time to try it out, since we have free time and a guest here.” she offered, referring directly to me as the guest.
“Sure, why not? I’ll go easy on you two. Being on top of the business world grants me the ability to know how to manage my money efficiently.”
“Oh I’m sure you will find my sister and I do not lose so easily, Mr. Finest.“
“Is that a challenge?”
“Maybe.”
“Well what’s your say in this Luna? I’m sure you can figure out what our plans are.”
“Sure, it sounds like fun. How do you play?”
After explaining the rules to her, she seemed confident in knowing how to play. After having one of the maids set up the game for us, we sat down and began to prepare.
“So, if you are so confident that you can beat us…” Celestia began.
“Oh I know I’m gonna win. I’m just gonna stall it out for the sake of having fun.”
“In that case, how about we make this interesting?”
“I thought we were going for a friendly game here.”
“Oh come on Tadpole, if you KNOW you can win, than what do you have to lose?”
“Okay Sunbutt, how about you never call me that, and I’m in.”
“What’s wrong, can’t take the heat of a little trash talk? And I thought you were the type of stallion that can take a few hits. I’m disappointed to say I was wrong.”
“Name your game Sunbutt.”
“If you win, you can have your VIP room with a Jacuzzi for tonight. If I win, you’re staying in my room tonight.” She told me while licking her lips.
Good God this mare is creepy. I am considering getting this thing over with just to avoid the innuendo.
“And what if I win sister?” Luna questioned.
“Then he stays in your room for tonight.” Celestia answered.
“Oh… I see.” Luna replied awkwardly.
“You have a deal Celestia! Can you have one of the maids begin preheating the Jacuzzi? It’s gonna be a long and relaxing night.”
“Oh trust me, after this, it’s gonna be more than that.” she replied with a suggestive smirk.
“Just pick your piece and roll.” I told her with a clearly aggravated tone.
After a long game of finances, taunting, and throwing house pieces at one another, the game finally came to an end.
“DAMMIT! 'Never played it' my flank!”
“I think you underestimate me Mr. Finest. I rule Equestria. Finance has been a big part of my job for over a thousand years.” she said with a clearly satisfied grin.
“Well so much for the Jacuzzi.” I said, defeated. “Good game Luna, you did really well for your first game.”
“Thank you Frog, I am sorry for the circumstance you have been thrown into. I wish you the best of luck!”
“I’m sure going to need it.”
Now I had to bunk with the ruler of Equestria. This is not what I imagined when I accepted their invitation to come here. I just had to survive one more day, and then I would be home free.
“So how exactly is this going to work princess?”
“You are so forgetful sometimes. Just call me ‘Tia, remember?”
“Got it. So do I get my own bed, or is your bed the only one here?”
“The latter.”
“Fantastic. Well I’m just going to rip the band-aid off and go to sleep.”
At a slow pace, she motioned over to me. “You know Mr. Finest, you’re really cute whenever you’re nervous. Though there is no need for any of that. Just enjoy your stay, and have a great night.”
And with that I got in bed, and just tried my best to tune out whatever else she was saying or doing. Just as I was getting comfortable too she got me in the same death grip her sister had me in the other night. Dammit, what’s with these ponies and cuddling? Is it some part of Equestrian culture that I haven’t had the pleasure of knowing? Ah fuck it; I’ll let her have her fun. Not that I mind. I mean, she is a nice mare and everything. It’s just that I’m not used to being forced into situations like this. On the other hoof, I did get myself into this mess. There’s no use either way, she has guards waiting to attack me if I even dare retaliate. Oh this is going to be a long night.
Day 4
So after that surprisingly comfortable slumber, I wake up while it’s still night out. I guess that means she’s still asleep. With a nudge my suspicions are confirmed. She still has me in her grip. Good God this whole situation is degrading. Hooves crossed that she’s a lighter sleeper than her sister.
“’Tia. Get the hell up! The Sun needs to be raised and I need to be able to move!”
“*yawn* Come on can’t we have five more minutes?”
“Don’t think so. You have obligations as a princess. By the way mind giving me some space? My claustrophobia is kicking in.”
“Oh come now, we still have fifteen more minutes.” she said examining the clock. “How about we have some fun while we are still awake?” she asked suggestively.
“I have a convention to host in two hours. As much as I would like to catch some beauty sleep in your extreme bear hug, I have my priorities. Sorry to disappoint.” I replied sarcastically.
“Oh well, anyways you’ll still be returning to the castle after the convention though, right?” she said, letting go of me in the process.
“Of course. My luggage is in here anyways, and I don’t want to risk them getting stolen at the convention. But don’t get any funny ideas.”
She just responded with a giggle and continued onto her business with raising the sun. As interesting as that would be to see, I have already had enough of her for one day. And it’s only morning still. I got dressed in a new tux and pair of pants and began my day. I made sure to wake Luna since it was the last day and all. Fangirl or not, she still doesn’t need to miss out on the final day of the convention, especially since she missed the auctions yesterday. I’ll even sign a few things for her once she’s back, with her doing the same, of course. I’m sure somepony in the office will enjoy an autograph from Princess Luna. I might even get some from Celestia too.
Anyhow, she gladly followed, even though she forgot to brush her mane and everything.
“Was sister too hard on thou last night? Thou sounds exhausted.”
“No, it was rather comfortable despite her touchy-touchy ways. She was just a bit exhausting this morning. Anyways, do you just plan on following me around all day? I’m just showing off my final invention and then I have to help take down my panel and everything.”
“Well, I never considered doing anything else. Maybe we can partake in lunch together afterwards?”
“Better than eating with investors. Those guys are money-hungry sharks. Anyways that sounds like a great idea.”
“Lovely! Anyways did I miss anything yesterday?”
“Oh it wasn’t much. Just a couple of auctions that went on for too long.”
“Oh, I missed that? I was really looking forward to getting an autographed invention too.”
“It’s fine. I can always sign everything in your room. That could make up for it.” I joked.
“THOU WOULD DO SUCH A THING? MAY MANY BLESSINGS COME UPON YOU SIR FINEST!” she commended in her “royal voice”.
God my ears are bleeding! I hate unnecessarily loud noises.
“Sure. I mean it was a joke, but I can sign a few things. Maybe you can sign a few things in return. It would be nice to have some memorabilia and maybe somepony I know would like something signed from you.”
“Oh what a joyous day indeed. Thank you Sir Finest for being such a good friend in all of this. Even if there are parts you hate.”
“Trust me Princess, there are only two things I hate in this world: spiders and beehives. Despite some days being harder than others, I can say I still enjoyed it. But let’s save our goodbyes until I depart.” I replied.
I was being genuine about what I said; I mean there are plenty of fun parts about my trip here. Even the board game, despite me getting my flank handed to me by a princess.
“If that is as thy wishes.”
So with that out of the way, we headed straight to the convention. Lunar Mooner was fangirling it up, asking question after question at the panels, mostly what I thought and why I thought it and such. She’s quite easy to excite. It’s probably for the best that I keep that comment to myself.
After a long day of panels, photoshoots, lunch with Luna, interviews and such, it was finally time to close the convention. I made some fun memories here too, but that would take away from the tale, now wouldn't it? Anyways we returned back to the castle, and I began to pack my bags and sign everything in Luna’s bedroom. Literally everything. I signed the freaking carpet out of her request. I said my goodbyes to my best friend in all of this, the cupcake bar, and made my way to the princesses to say my goodbyes. First, I decided to deal with Luna. I didn’t think I was ready to handle Celestia yet, and it seemed fitting to say goodbye to her last.
“Well Luna, it’s been fun. If I ever return, remind me not to bunk next to you. No offense of course.”
She jabbed me with her fronthoof and replied, “Thy needth to stop teasing us.
I get enough of that from sister. It has been a most ‘fun’ experience.”
Now onto Celestia. Oh this can only end well.
“And you, remind me never to play Monopony against you again. You’re a freaking cheater and deserve to feel ashamed for it.”
She just giggled and leaned into me replied with a whisper saying, “I’m gonna miss you too.” And with that she then gave me a small lick on the face. And before she could even see the red tint on my cheeks, I turned around and headed for the chariot. God this princess is weird. She leaves an impression though, that’s for sure.
“Come back anytime!” Luna yelled.
“Maybe!” I replied.
And with that, I conclude our story. It was a tale of one-sided love, lust, and tigers, and certainly an experience that’s gonna be hard to drink out of memory.
